The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Sean Lock

Episode Date: February 13, 2010

This week was a bit of a love special. Frank told us all about his girlfriend's unusual catchphrases, Emily gave some great advice to all of the fabulous single women listening and Gareth struggled to remember his wife's natural hair colour.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Hello, you. Well done. You've downloaded the Frank Skinner podcast. You're really going to like it if you like Frank Skinner, and I'm guessing you do because you've downloaded his podcast. Do you like Ian Lee? Yeah, that crazy guy who used to be on the TV and is really funny? You don't?

Hmm, disappointing because I would like to recommend you go and download his podcast. You might find it funny. I tell you what, why don't you go and give it a try and see if you like it? Yeah? Nice one. Here's Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Well, this is the first time this has happened. It's the Frank Skinner Show podcast and it's Gareth Richards talking.

But don't worry, Frank Skinner is here. Yes. Why don't you do us a Saturday morning? Saturday morning! That's how you do it. I'm going to do it again. Saturday morning! OK. People think, oh, surely that's G you do it. I'm going to do it again. That's how you do it. Okay.

People think, oh, surely that's Gareth doing that. That's him doing it. And I talk like this. We've got an email, a lovely email from Andy Robinson. I had a gig with Andy Robinson this week. I don't think it's the same one. Oh, he's from Birmingham, isn't he, Andy Robinson? Yeah, the comedian.

He said he liked the show. Did he really? Yeah. So he listens and thinks it's really good. Thanks, Andy. If you set this in yourself, just so you can say that. Maybe. He said he liked the show. Did he really? Yeah. He listens and thinks it's really good. Thanks, Andy. Have you set this in yourself, just so you can say that? Maybe.

I was leaving my church. I don't own a church, but I go to church on Sunday mornings, Catholic church. And as I was leaving, another priest stands and shakes hands outside. And as I went, he shook my hand and said, oh, he said, I'm loving the Absolute show on Saturday morning. He did, yeah. I'm taking that as a blessing. Well, he's part of the, you know, he's in the priesthood so he's talking for God.

Yeah. God likes the show. I think he does. Yeah. It's nice to know he's an early riser as well, the priest. I think he meant God. God's a very bad sleeper. He's nice to know he's an early riser as well, the priest. Well, I think it meant God. I say, God's a very bad sleeper, I imagine. He's so lazy.

Well, I don't know about that. Right, read the email. Oh. Oh. Andy Robinson says... We're all becoming each other this morning. He's like, oh. Carrotles.

Anyway. It says, may I just say that your midweek podcast has brightened up my midweek. The tortoise breath story made me guffaw out loud.

Luckily, I work in a laboratory alone, which means I have kept my dignity intact. Regards, Andy Robinson.

There's a few things here. Can one guffaw internally right when he says guffaw out loud that's a tautology is what you're saying I think it's a tortoise-ology he's alone in the lab

he's alone in the lab yeah doesn't the monster mash begin like that I was working in the lab late one night presumably then he's a sort of research scientist oh I like the sound of him a match to begin like that. I was working in the lab late one night. Yeah, but I also, presumably then he's a sort of research scientist. Oh, I like the sound of him. The idea of a researcher

who's sitting in there listening to podcasts in the lab makes me realise well, we don't have cure for so many of the major illnesses. I mean, you've got to get your priorities right. I see Andy with a bubbling purple test tube. Oh, God.

Yes, I do as well. And maybe a hand with some hair on it. Yes. I think you're right. And relax. Yes, I... Well, it's lovely to hear from him now. I should say, he's lovely to hear from him now.

I should say, he's referring... We do another podcast. We've just started doing another podcast. So this goes out on Saturdays and then people listen to it through the week. But we release another one on Wednesday mornings. It's sort of a topper-upper. Mm. Yes.

Which I love. And we've exposed all sorts of big news stories on there. Like that Giacometti sculpture that was sold. Apparently they got it home and it was dropped on the way into the house and Peter Crouch was in it. Yeah. Like inside of it.

Yeah, he was inside, slumbering. All around him. I noticed there was two nostril holes. I didn't think anything of it yeah he was inside just slumbering all around him I noticed there was two nostril holes I didn't think anything of it but now it was it was it was a crouch carrier

oh god as it turned out what oh so anyway so we did the show today Sean Lott was our guest oh yeah

um Catherine Jenkins came in and she didn't sang Anarchy in the UK. You wouldn't have allowed her in the building. She gives you the creeps. I find her very frightening. She's an attractive woman, but one imagines that she liaises with Lucifer.

I could be wrong about that, but I do find her scary. And I don't know what it is. I'm sure she's a lovely person. But if I was in the same room as her, I'd be absolutely petrified. That would be a good title for her autobiography though, Frank. Liaisons with Lucifer. By Catherine Jenkins. Yeah. I love it. Yes. So...

She was in. And we had... She wasn't in. We had Bill Clinton live on the telephone. He didn't come in. We didn't have Bill Clinton. I massaged his heart a bit back because he had a little bit of an episode. He's all right now. He's all right.

John and Tony Terry came on. John and Tony Terry. They've gone ever so well with them now. They're more in love than ever. But I don't know about you, but that smell of ombre solaire is lingering with me. It's on my chest. They were trying to have a nice, quiet holiday, and then their photos were taken.

Yeah, I mean, you know, they probably don't even know that. They won't know until they'll get a text from someone. Imagine the anxiety. People taking photos. I've asked me here with my top off, my beautiful kissing my wife, kids on the end of the sun loungers, like you have them all sat together like a happy family. It's lovely.

People taking their photos. They must be fuming. And if the text does go, there'll be a mad race for JT's phone. Get off it! Leave it, damn it! That's what'll happen. Why is Ashley Cole sending me photos of himself? I wish he'd stop doing that.

Asher, as I call him. Coley. Anyway, look, we can't... These people have got other things to do other than just listen to us messing about. Well, actually, they haven't. They wouldn't be doing this in the first place. So, yeah, so here cometh the podcast.

Absolute Radio. Good morning to our regular listeners and any new ones who might have joined us. That's what they say in the Catholic Church. They say, good morning to everyone. If there's any non-Catholics in, welcome That's what they say in the Catholic Church. They say, good morning to everyone. If there's any non-Catholics in, welcome anyway. They say they don't mean it, but they say it. This is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio

with Emily and Gareth. That's the morning! That was Gareth. We don't have anything with Emily speaking. No. Hold on, I think this might be you, is it? That's in my little milk float that I drive around town. Oh, I'd love a milk float to drive.

That's my dream car, Frank. A milk float, I love it. A customised milk float, pink. That's what I want. Will you buy it for me? Thank you. Do you remember that old Les Dawson joke? He said, I remember when I first saw my... You'll know what's coming, though. He said, when I first saw my wife,

something electric passed between us. It was a milk float. It was marvellous. You could use that today in your Valentine's Day banter. I heard that Prince Charles, he used to go out

into London on a milk float with, like, an armed guard. And Prince Charles would wear a flat cap over a coat and moth. Yeah, because he wanted to see ordinary people that weren't basically either dancing or giving his girlfriend flowers. So he used to sit with like a guard and they used to drive around

and he used to say, oh God, look at those funny people going to work and stuff. What's all that about? He used to say. I can't see him on the milk float. Going to work? What's all that about? He used to say. I can't see him on the milk float. Going to work? What's all that about? Prince Charles has stand up. I like the sound of that.

Yeah. So that was I've hurt my throat. See that's what I've done. I've hurt my throat. Have you both bought Valentine's presents for your girlfriends? I couldn't possibly answer that. I have bought one for Garrett's wife. But that's something I think best kept quiet.

I'm not prepared to answer. Have you, Garrett, are you not prepared? Is it a secret? It is a secret. But yes, but Laura sent a card to Absolute. Did she? Yeah. And it was supposed to be, thank you. She's having an affair with Absolute Radio. She sent it to Neil Francis.

It was to me. But i saw i does she not know your home address are you estranged are you telling me you're estranged i've been sending text messages on my pez you go mobile phone to glamour models okay i haven't really oh i don't know but i felt you were taking us on a journey then i didn't want to go on but i went with you anyway that's what trust is all about well i am yes i have a girlfriend as you may know who um uh she's called kath people who listen will know that i mentioned a case kath has a habit of um saying things not quite correctly. Yeah, I'm familiar with this. Yes, she says, like, you know, old adages and proverbs, but she once said to me, you know what they say, Jack would eat no Sprat.

And this week, she was on about something she'd been to, she said, oh, it was like pulling blood. Which, if you think, would be incredibly difficult unless you know unless it was in canisters of some kind but my favorite she was talking about someone she'd spoken to she said so i said to you know and like she'd confronted someone about something she said you should have said it was like a fishing headlights and she's not joking as well that's what i don't understand about it i'm just trying to explain trying to explain the nature of our love. And also, I walked into work with her this week,

and she looked proper cold. She always wears a scarf. She wasn't wearing a scarf. It was a freezing cold morning. I said, why aren't you wearing a scarf? Have you lost it? She said, no, I've got these spots on my neck. I'm trying to freeze them out.

That's not medically possible, is it? Unless it's like Veruca's. You freeze them with liquid nitrogen, don't you? Couldn't you get Veruca's on your neck? Besides, it wasn't... Oh, this is a nice Valentine's topic. Yes. I don't...

Yes, also, it wasn't so cold as liquid nitrogen cold. I mean, imagine the walk to work to liquid nitrogen. It'd be like the beginning of a Uriah Heep gig. Those of you who remember Uriah Heep, I think you should be tuning to Absolute Classic Rock. You're on the wrong thing if you're waiting for... HE GRUNTS London!

Which is... That's my impression of Absolute Classic Rock, if you've never heard it. Absolute. Radio. OK, so that was, so we were talking about Valentine's Day. Oh, yeah. Things. And.

I've got a little quiz for you boys, actually. Oh, yeah? Well, apparently they did a survey and six out of ten British men hardly know anything. I mean, in terms of vital information about their partners. Right. So I've got a couple of key questions that I'd like to put to you both to see how well you fare. I should say Aldo Zilli, the chef, who's a friend of the show, did this quiz in the paper.

And he said his girlfriend was a size 28 dress size. So I hope you both do better than that. OK? I suppose if you live with a chef, that's always a temptation, isn't it? You're going to think, oh, I'll have a bit more of that. I'm sure I've seen Aldo and Silly's wife, and she's quite sweet. Oh, she's very svelte. Oh, he's silly, silly.

Silly, silly. That's what I call him. Now, Aldo, he's got a cafe around the corner, which we often go to after the show. Yeah, we do. He's our mate. Yeah. But I shouldn't think he's his wife's mate this morning size 28 now ask me anything i know whatever address phone number

whatever you want name address surname well i think we should have given your wife the cuisine she has to send you your valentine's to your work address no she was doing it as a surprise but when i was packing up the pram she'd left an envelope in it. Packing up the pram? Are you a rag and bone man on the side? They're not paying him enough, absolute. I do a little bit of rag and bone work. We're going to start calling it absolute. Okay, don't put off the inevitable. I'm going to ask you the questions now.

Frank Skinner, could you please tell me Kathy Mason's bra size? That's a bit personal, isn't it? I want the information. Yes, it's very personal information. I don't think we should have to give that sort of thing. No, OK. 32E. OK.

That stopped the clocks. All over Britain, blokes going... No wonder he's always laughing, eh? No wonder he's always laughing. They? No wonder he's always laughing. They're saying to each other. I don't think we should ask Laura's now, because then it will just become some horrible comparison. How come my girlfriend gets the...

Well, the thing is that Laura's had a baby. Laura, dress size, please. And it fluctuates. It fluctuates. Dress size, ten. Oh. Cath dress size? I'm going to go low.

If I'm going low, I'd say eight. Oh. I'd go six for Cath, but there you go. Oh, well, now you've seen what you've done. You've tromped me. I'm walking and she'll go, eight! Favourite perfume for Cath? No, she doesn't.

She never ever wears perfume. That's not what she told John Terry um okay when I first met her she used to smell of old houses old houses she was a vegan and she only ate vegetables and rice and if you do that eventually

you start to smell and remember derelict houses you know places you used to go to lose your virginity in the 70s? What? Just me? Well, those houses smelled that musty, damp smell of rotting masonry. That's what she smelled like. That's Calvin Klein Obsession.

Oh, is it? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was Jean-Paul Gaultier's Old Houses. What would that be? Maison de... Old. Old. It's old in French. Go on, give us another one. OK, shoe size. Oh.

I'd say five and a half. I'm going to go half size. That's how bold I've got. Four or five. Four or five? Four or five. or five one on one on the other five is there a club is there a club involved you tell him there's a club the one shoe she has to get on prescription it's a little bit built up that's all right yeah

it's so built up you can only drive at 30 miles an hour when you go past it. And I'd also like to know natural hair colour, please. I'd say brunette, if that's a colour. OK. Gareth? Yeah, sort of brownie, ready brownie, natural. Have you met your wife? Did she just need a passport?

Is that what happened? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Our guest this morning is Sean Locke. Oh, I like him. He's good. He's funny. Don't worry about that.

Frank, we've had a text in which I want to read out, which is to do with, you know your girlfriend mixing up her proverbs? Yes. Well, someone else, Simon Taylor, says his best friend has a similar problem with his girlfriend. She often mixes up proverbs. And one day she'd had enough and she turned around to him and said, stop winding me up like that.

You're like that boy who shouted fox. I like the sound of her. I'm loving it. They should meet. Yeah. So we thought, see what we thought we'd do. We thought we'd have a kind of a Valentine's weekend sort of phone-in-y thing. And do you remember they used to be able to get those things that says love is and then dot, dot, dot.

And it used to say what love is. It used to have very sweet things, like love is like sharing a bag of chips together and stuff like that. And it was two little sort of semi-naked cartoon characters. Yes, I never liked that element of it. One had a slightly 70s Lego Man hairdo. I remember I was on this morning once and they sprung it on me and they said,

so for you, Frank, if you had to complete a love is what would you be what would yours be and i said uh love is the only four letter word i don't use during sex and do you know how did that go down it didn't go it didn't go that well i think it was i think it might have been anna nick at the time anna nick ever did this morning it rings a bell I mean, Anne and Nick at the time. Has Anne and Nick ever done this morning? It rings a bell. Remember Anne and Nick?

Remember Anne Diamond? Yeah. An enormous great horse behind Seattle. Frank! I once walked down a corridor behind her. Frank! And, yes, you could lure her in with sugar lumps. Frank, you've got to apologise. If you're listening, Anne, she won't be listening,

or she should be opening a supermarket this time of a Saturday morning. With a crowbar. Frank! Sorry, OK. I love... Look, I used to really fancy Anne Diamond. She's sitting at home crying into a Jaffa Cake. She is not.

She's sitting... She's probably still asleep. Leave those Jaffa Cakes alone. Frank! She's just got the nose bag on for breakfast. If you're listening, Anne... OK. What was the question? Oh, yeah. got the nose bag on for breakfast if you're listening and okay what was it what was what was the question oh yeah so love is yeah so we thought we'd ask you and i know it's quite a

tricky one but we've got some quite clever clever clever we've got some quite clever um listeners i think oh yeah um and so what do you think what love is dot dot dot what would you complete it um keep it relatively you know i mean it has to be stuff we can read out nothing involving So what do you think? Love is dot, dot, dot. Where would you complete it? Keep it relatively, you know, I mean, it has to be stuff we can read out. Nothing involving a hypno and no swearing. But have a go, and if not, we'll give you an easier phone in like they have on, you know, Capital or something, where we'll say things like, what's the third day of the week? I mean, come on, make an effort.

Maybe we should have, like, different levels of phoning for different, like, sets. You know how you have sets at school? So you have top set and then... Oh, like streams. We didn't have that at our school. A remedial. There was one small room that we sat in with our gas masks.

There were two children in the class in his school. Yeah, we did, yeah. Some of them we just didn't even know. They just came in for shelter. But they used to smell of old houses as well, probably because they lived in them. OK, yes, well, we should... Frank Skinner's school days.

A novel by Beryl Bainbridge. That would be a good Frank Skinner. I might do a little excerpt from that every week. OK. You're holding a sheet of paper. Yeah, I've got an email. An email? Yeah.

You've got a hard copy of an email. That's what you've got. A hard copy. A hard copy. I love Emily. Yeah, but this is the email. Emily. I love Emily and her voice.

Will Emily... This is from Liz. See, I love Emily, her voice. Will Emily... This is from Liz. See, I love Emily, but not her voice. Oh, be quiet. Carry on. Lots of men usually say, text in and say they like Emily's voice, but this is from a lady, which is fine. Yeah, you know, live and let live, I say.

Will Emily take me under her wing and teach me how to be single and fabulous in hopes of finding a new man? Please, please, please, please, please, please, please. A lot of pleases. She does five pleases at a time with the first please having a capital P and then she's repeated it.

Well, Liz, I like the sound of you. A capital P, isn't that what Ronnie Biggs had? And she wants Emily to take her under her bingo wings. Yeah. Well, there'll be plenty of shelter under it. How dare you? And she wants Emily to take her under her bingo wings. Yeah. She hasn't got bingo wings. There'll be plenty of shelter under... How dare you? It would be your bingo wings.

If I brought up the bingo wings. OK, Liz, I think you sound quite fabulous anyway. You don't really need me to tell you how to be single and fabulous, but you don't need to worry about getting a man, Liz. What you need to do... Listen to the bitterness in that. Can you just allow me to speak to's crying as she speaks crying because i have to be with you in here okay so liz what you have to do is treat yourself like an exclusive nightclub or restaurant so like

you're the ivy liz that's what you're like and you're only going to let a very certain type of clientele yeah they have to be on the list. Yeah, exactly. You don't want riffraff who are going to spill drinks. No one in trainers. No, exactly. And that's how you have to do it. You hold out for the A-list. That's what you do, Liz.

So good luck. You deserve the best. Should she have a special section cornered off for a VIP area? Absolutely. Or she's going to have to purchase a velvet robe. Absolute. Radio. We've had a text from Samantha.

She says, Love is not having to remind my boyfriend for the millionth time that I support Arsenal, not Man United. He's American and didn't realise there was more than one team in England. How would it work if there was only one team? Well, that's basically what it's been like for Man United for a very long time. Love is an anagram of vole. Which I really like. That is true.

I like it when they get a bit romantic with it. Neil from Wilt says love is the only word Hallmark CEO has for the 14th of Feb. Wake up the lot of you. Turn us the way it is. He's suggesting that

the CEO of Hallmark loves 14th of Feb because he's invented it to take people's money. I did think that yesterday when I went past the shop where there were many Valentine's things and I thought

we're being had here. I thought that. But I don't, you know, who cares? What else are we going to spend it on? That's this week's phone-in. Food, some might say, but who cares what they think? The greedy devils. Yeah, I, uh...

You alright? You look a bit fatigued. We've had a bit of a week this week as we're with our little boy ethan he hasn't been sleeping very well anyway this is the darker side of love ladies and gentlemen a screaming child this is the i can't think of see that's it you've had no. I can't cope with no sleep. Basically, he didn't sleep. I think Thursday night, Wednesday night, I think Wednesday night we had the worst night we've had so far with our little bundle of joy, Ethan. He's waking up very early in the morning.

Oh, yeah. How early? Like three o'clock for several times. That's not even the morning, really. That's the night still. Yeah. Do you not... I always thought they should have baby alarms with a mute. three o'clock for several times that's not even the morning really that's the night still yeah and um is that do you not i've always thought they should have baby alarms with a mute button right so you just press their button and that's it yeah just shut the door we don't have to shut the door um is there a door no i i think that uh aren't you supposed to if you wait to get

them up when they cry, then they'll be spoiled for the rest of their life and think every time they cry that people will do something for them. Yeah, so basically, I think we've spoiled him already. Oh, you've spoiled him. You have to do controlled crying, don't you? Yeah, no, that's not... We haven't done that, so he's ruined.

Oh, that's ruined now. You know, what do you do? There's no reset button. So who gets... There's no way you can't undo. No. Can't get a new one. Stuck with it now.

Okay. You've ruined it. You could take the voice box out. No, maybe not. I think you can do that. I don't know. Someone will send in an email explaining. Tim Booz, apparently, was the lead singer with James.

Somebody sent that in. You ask anything on the internet. Somebody out there knows. Oh, they've all got answers. Yeah. There's probably, you know, a good way of stopping babies from crying, which are nice, you know, the old whiskey on the dummy kind of thing. Yeah.

Well, Emily's mum, she suggested alcohol. Did she? Yeah. Which tells you a lot about my childhood. Yeah. She suggested the same to me for moving house, the problems of moving house. mean i think it's just it's a bit of a cure-all she's like one of these people that used to go around selling snake oil

she suggested that when i said i can't really live with myself she suggested alcohol yeah we're a showbiz family that's how we deal with things what's wrong with you people honestly so who gets up when laura usually gets up but the thing is she does it you know as much as um but then when she gets to the end of her tether then oh you don't keep running tether yes oh what does she wander off she wanders off i should say that garrett's wife is 81 um she looks good for it though yes she does But then when she's had enough And she's angry and doesn't know what to do She wakes me up

How come you haven't woken up If the baby's screaming the headstand I can just sleep through it all I can just sleep through everything The thing is also when I'm asleep So Laura explained to me Right you need to get up You need to give him his cup

His cup's on the side Don't cuddle him just sit him up in the thing and um brilliant domestic drama are you and she says can you hear me and i can go yeah yeah and go you awake are you listening to this you taking this in yeah yeah and i can And I can go, yes, while being asleep. Well, I've noticed that on the show. But, and it's bad. So I went in and she told me the cup was somewhere, but I couldn't find the cup. He was screaming and screaming. I couldn't find the cup.

I said, where's the cup? She said, it's on the nappy bin. I told you where it was. Oh, dear. Oh, she doesn't talk like that, does she? She does at four o'clock in the morning. Nightmare. So I'm, you know, I'm going talk like that, does she? She does at four o'clock in the morning. Nightmare. So I'm, you know, I'm going to... Like, when I cry, often it's not from seeing, you know,

the plight of people in terrible parts of the world where things are happening. It's usually self-pity and being overtired. I think a man's got to be a specialist. Yeah. And I cried that night. You cried as well? I cried. So did Ethan get up to get your bottle?

He did not. You actually physically cried? I cried myself back to sleep. Did you? People can actually do that. They cry. Oh. You cried yourself to sleep?

Yeah, Laura said, oh, I'll feed him, I'll feed him. Because that's what he wants. He wants to be fed. And so I'm in the bed next to her. But she was so angry. We talked about it in the morning. But I said, I cried last night. And she said, yeah, I know, I was just so angry, I couldn't...

So she knew you were crying next to her. She let you cry. See, if I ever cry, I let Kath know. I did dog cry. And then they know. Have you considered holding up a series of sheep in front of your child when he can't sleep? And then they know. You see, that's the secret. Have you considered holding up a series of sheep in front of your child when he can't sleep? We've tried everything.

I wonder if anyone's actually ever tried counting sheep. I can't believe it. Oh, I do it all the time. Do you? I do genuinely count sheep. You don't. I do. It does work.

You can't work with it. You actually count sheep. Yeah. I imagine them jumping over a little fence. It does work, honestly. It can't work or sh count sheep yeah i imagine them jumping over a little fence it does work honestly you can't work or shepherds would always be asleep like how many sheep have i got no i think they wear they wear um they wear blindfolds when they need to be especially alert absolute radio i'm going away i'm going to be locked away what's what's happening are you ill what's happening yes i'm i'm going away i'm not going to be locked away what are you ill what's happening yes I'm

going away I'm not going to be with you anymore but I shall send another he's going to the Meadows Clinic in Arizona I'm not going there again I know I'm doing a TV show this week called The Bobble when it's on Friday night but the idea is you have to

be locked away for four days. Away from the news. So that then when they get you on the TV show, they can ask you about the week's news and they can make some things up and you have to guess which is a real news story and which is a family news story. Oh, it's very clever. So no mobile

phone or anything? No mobile phone, no internet, no television. Nothing. And we're just, no internet, no television. Nothing. And we're just, there's three of us. There's me and there's Victoria Corrin. Do you know her? Oh, yeah, she's a journalist. Yeah, and she's an expert at... Poker.

I don't think I'll do that. But see who I led you? I led you. I led you perfectly. And the American comedian, Reginald D. Hunter, or as I call him, Reginald... Oh, no. That's the only reason you're doing this show.

You just said Reginald D. Hunter. That'll give me an opportunity I rarely have, yes. So the three of us are in this house somewhere. We don't know where. Secret location. And that's it. So I'm going to spend it. I know Victoria a bit, but I don't know Reginald at all.

So, you know, we might not even get on. Do you all share a bed? Like Goldilocks and the three bears? Well, we'll see how it goes. I don't think there's any bears involved. That would be terrible. But, you know, it's an interesting experiment. I'll be honest with you.

I did the pilot. Oh, okay. You know they do a pilot, like a triad show? Yeah, the first one, yeah. And I did that. And then they put us in a house that was, that was me and Miranda Hart and Katie Brand, and they put us in a house that was,

well, they, the two girls, claim was haunted. Right. I thought they were ghosties. Yeah, they said that they had, you know, they heard things and felt cold tremors in the night. So in the end, I stopped. I thought, they're on to me. No, but, yeah, they took it very seriously, the ghosties.

They said there was an extension built on this place. It was like a big mansion somewhere in, I don't know, Leicestershire or something. Hard to imagine, I know, but apparently they do exist. And we spoke to the cleaner woman who came in, the housekeeper, and she said,

oh, she said, I won't go in that extension. I won't even go in there. She said, after they built that, she said Martin was in there, because we didn't know who Martin was, but we didn't want to. She said, and a man appeared and said, oh, I like what you've done with this. And I thought, what, it's a gay ghost?

It was turned up. A ghost turned up and comments on the extension. So anyway, hopefully they won't send us there again. And at the end, did you say, oh, the cleaner told us about the ghost and said, oh, there hasn't been a cleaner here for 40 years. Oh, I love that. He died in a horrible accident. I love it in films when they go into the pub and say,

does this symbol mean anything to you? And the girl says, oh, that'd be the... Oh, Karen, I think you got work in the cellar again. It'll be like that. It'll be like that. I'm playing the investigating man. Reginald D. Hunter will be the bar manager. Victoria Corham will play the bewildered...

She can be the wench behind the bar. Yeah, we've got it all worked out. So, yeah, when I'm on the show next week, you'll probably mention things that have happened in the news, and I'll just look at you like, you know, I'm stupid. So bear that in mind. That's usually my job. Yeah.

Oh, no. I love you garen thank you frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio apparently there's a new taste yeah now i don't quite understand this is it is Japanese? It's the fifth. It's called taste number five. It's called umami. Umami? Umami. Wait, a secret door just opened when you said that word? Oh, that's incredible.

Oh, yeah. Look at that sofa. They're calling it the scientifically proven fifth taste. Hmm. Yeah. Scientifically proven? So basically no one's ever tasted anything like this before. Like this before, exactly.

And we're going to taste it now. Okay, we've got a tube. I don't want to taste it first. Frank, you taste it first. It's scaring me. So fifth taste, as in there's bitterness. What are the other tastes? There's tastes already.

That'd be a good phone in one of the tastes. Bad taste. Oh, Frank, it looks horrible. There's already the sweet sour Salty and bitter So this is going to be neither sweet sour salty nor bitter No because it's umami Oh Frank it looks disgusting

I'm going to go for it I'll never taste this, this is a new experience for me When you get to my age you don't say that very often What's it like? You don't say that very often. What's it like? It's like chicken. No, it isn't really.

That's what everyone says. I feel I have tasted it before. Oh, okay. Let's have a taste. Let me see. It's nice. It's got that kind of thing that when you have sort of oriental food, it basically tastes like Chinese food. Can I try it with

pain au chocolat? No, no, no. You can't try pain au chocolat. You don't want to mix your fifth taste with your old taste. Here we go. Oh, it's a bit anchovic. There is an element of anchovy about it. Where's the ingredients? What are the ingredients?

Anchovies, probably. Yeah, there's anchovies in it. I'm not sure about that umami, Frank. Well, I'm liking the umami. I'd happily have it on a... I might put some on my pan of chocolat and mix the French with the Japanese. That's, I think, the French call the Japanese.

Is that right? I'm not sure. Well, that's another phoning. I don't know how you're going to do pronunciation on a text, but, you know. Absolute! Radio. Sean Locke has joined us in the studio. What about that? Yes, that Sean Locke.

The famous one off the telly. How are you? Very good, thanks. Frank. Good. Now, you're about to go off on the road. Yeah. Let's get straight to that.

Yeah, yeah, get it out of the way. It's not a normal stand-up comedy show, is it? It's got a sort of special element, interactive kind of... It's 21st century. Yes, well, at the start, it did... Oh, that's gone, has it? No, it hasn't gone, but what I've realised is I've had to... You know, there's a reason it works in a certain way, stand-up.

And what I did was I had this thing, I called it Lockopedia, just only because it rhymed. It's not an information resource. It doesn't actually rhyme, does it? Well, it does with Wikipedia. Not rhymes, scans. OK, yeah. You know what I mean.

Sounds a bit like is what I meant. Sounds a bit like. OK, yeah. Yeah. It just rhymes as a catch-all for me. I use it for loads of things. If I see a dress on my wife, I'm like, that rhymes.

I like that. That's good, because it just suggests a harmony, generally. You were talking about those flavours earlier. Certain flavours rhyme with each other. But obviously... That one didn't, actually. No, Stephen Fry would be obviously tearing his hair out. But yeah, I had this element in it where I thought,

I've got this book. Well, basically, I had all these jokes, these strands of ideas. Have you ever seen Chickipedia, by the way? No. Chickipedia is like... I'm sure I can imagine. I don't need to explain it. As soon as you've mentioned it.

But that actually does rhyme. Especially coming from you. But it does rhyme, to their credit. Yes, it does, doesn't it? Yeah. But the idea was, I had all these jokes and these ideas, but I couldn't really put it into a stand-up format. It was time to take, the effort to take to set them up.

You know when you've got, like, a comic idea and it takes too long to set up for its value? But they were funny little ideas. I thought, I'll put them in this book alphabetically, list them, and then I'll play audience battleships at a point in the show. So I'll just go, E24! I go... Who's ever in that seat has to give me their name,

a letter, and a word beginning with that letter. And that's the difficult bit. That's the really tricky bit. Because what I say is, I'll do some material on that word. And of course I can't. I'd be a genius if I could do that. You are a genius! Yeah, but I'm not. I'm not, I've realised that.

That's very much... But the fun of it is, it gets people involved in the show that would never normally shout out, because it's random, because I sort of select it by this method, and it kind of changes... Well, I do it at the end of the first half

and the end of the second half, really, now. So I have the structure stand up, and it's just a way of churning up the gig a bit. And it's quite interesting. It shows great confidence that you're going to sell out yes yes because you could say that and but that's funny e20 oh the reason the audience find that hilarious i was great with that i did it i was in bromsgrove and it did sell out but there was people didn't turn up for whatever reason oh yeah i seen babysitters yeah yeah or maybe road accidents. Yes, yeah.

Yeah, I didn't want to guess there. No, no. I was going on there. I call myself a light entertainer. And that happened, and it was really funny. So, yes, it does, there is that element to it, but it sort of works. People like the oddness of it,

the fact that people get involved who never normally get involved in shows. Yeah. And you get stuff out of them. But what I did was, originally, I had this grand idea that that would be the whole show. Mm. And it just, it was chaos. Chaos reign. I tried that a couple of times.

I did a sort of mini warm-up tour of small art centres and theatres. Okay. I can't just launch this idea into larger theatres. And I slowly reduced the Lockerpedia element. But it's still part of the show. Yeah. But it doesn't dominate the whole show now, because... You can't do it.

You can do it, but you need three, four goes before you can do it. Yeah, OK. And it's quite nice, that sort of element of failing. People aren't used to seeing comedians get up on stage and attempt something and fail. And I didn't have any get-out... They are at my gigs. Yeah.

But I didn't have any get-out clauses, are at my gigs. Yeah. But I didn't have any get-out clauses, but I've sort of created get-out clauses now. So I fail, but I still get a laugh on the failure. So the idea... Let me get this right again. They give you a letter and a word that begins with that letter. So it's about how tricky the audience want to be.

I did one in Colchester, and someone shouted out P, the letter P. So I go, so I've got a book, and I've got, under P I've got loads of jokes associated with P words. And then he shouts out a word with P and he said penultimate. So it'd be impossible

to do a joke on penultimate. But I sort of extricated something out of it. I salvaged something. It's just about the oddness of the scenario as well and the strange it's a bit, it's basically to keep me interested. Yeah. So anyway that's our phone in. Jokes about the word penultimate. the scenario as well and the strange it's a bit basically it's to keep me interested yeah so anyway that's our phone in jokes

jokes about the word penultimate is what we want I'm looking forward to that yeah Absolute Radio this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily

with Gareth and most excitingly of all with Sean Locke in fact you've got the ultimate accolade Sean in that they're filming this interview as we speak really

not many people get that really that's because you're going to go on the website and stuff yeah it is You've got the ultimate accolade, Sean, in that they're filming this interview as we speak. Really? Not many people get that. Really? That's because you're going to go on the website and stuff. Yeah, it is. I'll be all over it. You've made it. Don't worry about that. He's made an effort with his clothes, I see.

I love your jumper. Thank you. Because it's black, and then it's got, in really hard-to-see places, it's got a patch of other-coloured wool. That's dirt. I was thinking, oh, Gareth doesn't bring up the dirt. You pay a premium for that.

Yeah, it looks like... Sort of thing, my dad or my gran would have gone, that's bloody ridiculous. What, you buy a jumper that's already been patched? That is insane. Well, it's like buying Rick Deans. At least I hadn't even noticed that. It's not a jumper. They are nicely done.

It looks a bit like you might have thought you were buying a black jumper and then got it home. Yeah. To the degree that they brought to the detail. I like a surprise element when you're buying a jumper. There isn't enough of that. What? I used to sleep at your house. Do you remember that?

Yeah, that's right. What? Some sort of lodger scenario. I was a priest. He was a tramp. Yeah, and in many ways, you saved my life, Father. So you said, don't call me that anymore. No, when I was living in Birmingham and coming down to London to do gigs,

I didn't really know anyone in London apart from other comedians, I think. So Sean used to let me sleep at Dalston, wasn't it yeah it was that the one was that the flat with the bathroom in the hallway um I never went in the bathroom I guess yeah they had a bathroom in the hallway it was a it was a two-bedroom flat it wasn't really it was a one-bedroom flat but they decided to take the bathroom out of the bathroom and put it in the hallway and it had like this folding door down the side but yeah you used to stay yeah you? Yeah, I remember you took me to the cemetery one day for a bit of a treat. Yes, yeah. Do you remember that?

It was a very nice cemetery. It's a great cemetery. Yeah. I don't know if you were dropping hints. Yeah. Why don't you sleep here? Forever! No, it was a very nice...

It's at Newington Avenue Cemetery at the bottom of the road, Cousinoff Road. Yeah, it's quite a famous cemetery. Can I just say, you're the first guest. We've been on nearly a year, you're the first guest that's ploughed the cemetery. Who's in it that's any good in that cemetery? No, it's not like Highgate.

It hasn't got many famous people. It's got people like Salvation Army people in there. Salvation Army people. A few of those, because I think it started around that part of London. But it's just got some very nice Victorian graves, you know, when they really went over the top when a sort of daughter died. They really went

for it. Yeah. With angels and things. Yeah. Lions and stuff. Not a cheery subject. But it's a beautiful cemetery. And it's got, it has a weird sort of, where's Highgate? It's very well patrolled, very well marshalled. It's got this element of surprise. You don't know what's quite, it has a weird sort of, where's Highgate? It's very well patrolled, very well marshalled. It's got this element of surprise, Latter.

You don't know what's quite, what's going to happen. It's really overgrown. There's some, there's a bit of, there's a bit of off-road activity going up one end corner of it. You just don't go up there. You're making it sound like a death theme park. Yeah. Anything could happen. So you're, you've got, you're abroad this week

yes yeah well you asked me if I was doing anything else apart from the tour and I said I'm doing a corporate in Munich that's it and you thought obviously we're not going to talk about that on air but I'm fascinated there'll be people listening who don't know what a corporate is could you define it

it's a private gig for a company, usually a company for the staff of a company or often they're having a conference it's a way they for a company, usually a company, for the staff of a company, or often they're having a conference. It's a way they've had a whole day of business chat, and they bring in a cheeky chappy at the end of the day. That's it, and then they usually have a disco, don't they, at the end? People dancing, suit and tie. I don't stick around for that.

No, no, I never stick around for that. Not now I've got a girlfriend. Yeah, but you... I find that I quite enjoy the odd ones, and I've got quite a lot of material, because you have to write something for them, for each one. Do you get those? They used to send me these lists, and they'd say,

oh, Dave in sales once stole a plant from a hotel foyer when he was drunk. And you don't even have to do a joke about it. You'd say, Dave, you're from sales, stay off the plants tonight, you get a stand innovation. It's like the best thing they've ever heard. I know, yeah. I don't tend to do that. I remember you get those lists,

and basically they describe the presenters, every single person who works in the company could be a presenter on Top Gear. That's usually what he does. Loves cars. Loves wearing his jeans. Loves going out, having a bit of an adventure. I used to get things like, sadly, he's a West Ham fan.

I used to get that, so obviously you're encouraged to have a go at him. I never do that. I just do some stuff about whatever the product is or whatever the company is. I did a lot of financial ones. Just coming up to the end of the year. I see you did a lot of banker jokes. Yeah, a lot of banker jokes yeah a lot of banker jokes it's great you can be really horrible to him

I did one once it's only really what you pay to do yeah I did one with Red Rom it's just me and Red Rom on the beat you know Red Rom the racehorse not the other Red Rom and Red Rom the racehorse turned up and people stood and had their photo took with him

and then I was ready to do like 20 minutes of stand up but they just wanted me to stand and have my photo took with them as well so me and red rum basically had the same job of having a photo talk with people yeah and i said well i'll do they said you can do a bit of stand-up if you like so i went and did like 10 minutes and it went all right red rum didn't didn't do anything no it didn't even speak. Frank, Daryl Brown has just texted in saying, could Frank mention he has a girlfriend one more time, please? Now, that sounds like a man who maybe doesn't have a girlfriend, or if he has got one, her head's in the fridge.

No, I think... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's Valentine's weekend, mate. I don't normally mention it that much, but, you know, it's Valentine's weekend and love is in the air. Isn't it time to turn that girlfriend into a what? It's weekend, mate. I don't normally mention it that much, but, you know, it's Valentine's weekend and love is in the air. Da-da-da-da. Isn't it time to turn that girlfriend into a what? OK, here comes the next track. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. And that was Sean Lock's Gone Home. Even though people did send in some penultimate jokes was there any good one? The penultimate supper someone takes dinner which I quite like

I'd like to have been at the penultimate supper you'd be a bit aggrieved that you hadn't been invited to the last one yeah I'm at the penultimate oh you're at the penultimate I'm at the last yeah it's like when you get invited to a wedding not the actual thing but just come just come to the party after, it's like when you get invited to a wedding. Not the actual thing, but just come...

Just come to the party after. Oh, I hate it when I get those. You're basically there as sort of at-mos. Yeah, you're second wave. You don't ever want to be second wave. That's a good joke, though. I like that joke. By the way, Absolute Radio have got

Premier League football commentaries next season. I'm going to be doing them. No, they're already done. I've heard some of them. Arsenal lose 2-0 at home in the first game. Who'd have thought that? Someone has scored a goal. I can do those because I went to the football this week, actually.

Oh, you did? Yes. I got bought a box. Yes, that's the kind of gifts I get bought by my friends. What does it stand on? No, an orange box. No, a friend bought me, a very. Yes, that's the kind of gifts I get bought by my friends. What's it stand on? What was in it? No! An orange box. No, a friend bought me, a very generous friend, bought me a box for the Arsenal-Liverpool

game. Those are the kind of gifts I expect. Thanks for the scrunchie, Frank. I'm just saying that's where the bar is raised to. I know, but you... Oh, is that a scrunchie? I thought it was your throat. So you went to Arsenal versus Liverpool? I did. It was amazing. I took Daisy from the show.

She begged, frankly. She did beg. You took Daisy, our associate producer? I did. Well, I asked you... Tight hit, tight hit. I asked you and you said, I'm a lousy neutral. Yes, I am a lousy neutral.

I don't like watching teams that I don't care about. And you're a bit jealous of our ground, I reckon, because it is quite nice. neutral. I don't like watching teams that I don't care about. And you're a bit jealous of our ground, I reckon, because it is quite nice. Anyway. I don't care about that. So, the box, though. Oh, my God. It's not that nice.

It must be rubbish ground. The manager has got a restricted view seat. Every time I ask him a thing, and I say, what do you think of that thing when your defender broke the legs of three successive opponents and he goes, well, I could not see from where I was sitting. Well, what kind of seat have you got? He doesn't come out of his technical area. It's not his way.

I tell you what, I reckon he once got very, very drunk, right, and he fell asleep with the lower part of his face resting on the top of a pint glass. And consequently, he's got a kind of Fred Flintstone, like that circle around his mouth. Anyway. Anyway, so I saw some celebs next to my box. Who did you see? Well, walking up, I saw Gary Barlow with his son.

From Coronation Street? No, from Take That. And he knocked rather tentatively on the box door, and outside I saw a little plaque and it said Ian Wright Associates. So the door was opened and someone from Ian Wright Associates... I think he ran a solicitor. Oh, yeah. Well, someone from Ian Wright Associates opened the door

and the boxes are all quite normal and quite corporate with sort of office furniture. Ian Wright, he sort of pimped his out. It's all kind of like Victoriano and a mahogany table. Oh, whole table I thought it'd be like a stuffed animal or something in there it was unbelievable yeah I'm loving that and then on my left I had Gary Fluffy dice hanging from the window I'm guessing and then on my left was uh Michael Howard do you remember him the former conservative leader who's got something of the night about him. Him, exactly. Well, he had something of the night about him. That's it, though. It's not like a football

match. It's like an audience with. You don't get that at West Brom. You get the Dossman. Anyway, thank you very much and good day to you. Absolute Radio.