The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Simon Bird

Episode Date: April 18, 2009

Frank, Emily & Gareth giggle like school children with this week's guest; Simon Bird AKA Will from 'The Inbetweeners' hehehe

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with swiftcover.com. For car insurance, don't wait in line, go online. Get a life, get Swift covered. Absolute Radio.

It's the Frank Skinner podcast, Absolute Radio. I don't know whether you say for or on or with Absolute Radio, but I've said Absolute Radio and with Emily and Gareth. Hello. And we have Omar Jalili on the show this week and I got my hair cut by a celebrity hair person who actually cut my hair. And apparently you can...

There's a video of that on the web. Who would want to watch that? I don't know. But my new haircut, as it happens... Ooh! So, oh, that fell away a bit at the end. I'll do that again. Ooh!

No. No, I think they were both good. Here's the podcast. Absolute. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth. Good morning. Hello. It's Saturday morning.

Saturday morning. Yes. Is that our new jingle? That's got that at the... Yeah, I like it. If only we'd captured it. Oh, we've got it. It'll be on tape.

So we can just clip that out. Saturday morning. I like it. So, what's new? Pussycat! Whoa, whoa, whoa! I thought you were going to start, Gareth. Oh, was I?

Oh, yes. Well, what's new for me, Frank, is I've been reading this email that somebody emailed in. That's it, keep it natural. Yeah, no, very smooth. Frank, on reading your... This is from Johnny Wall. You see, can I stop you immediately? Yes, please do.

There's a problem I have with emails. Why don't people use dear anymore? Dear. I never get emails that begin dear, Frank. I still use dear if I send emails. And they never use uppercase either. I know that's a bit pedantic of me, but it does annoy me. They don't use uppercase.

No. I don't really know what that is. But you're right. Capital letters? No, but I'll tell you what I get. I get Hi Frank. Who wants that? Who wants that? Am I a footballer's wife?

Dear Frank. I'd say hey. Look, don't get me wrong, I very much appreciate the readers, not readers, the listeners. What do they do? Do they read it? It's probably a braille version of this show. I think it goes out in Morse code somewhere. Does it really? Those of you who are decoding this as I speak,

I appreciate your emails and stuff, but dear Frank, or dear Emily, or even dear Gareth. But Johnny Ward says, Frank, on reading your Heaven and Hell feature on the Telegraph website, I see that the... He's unemployed, is he, Johnny? Yes, well, there's quite a lot of stuff. The Telegraph website, your Heaven and Hell feature. A Telegraph is a newspaper.

Yeah. A website. Let's break this down. Yeah, exactly. Heaven and Hell, what is Heaven and Hell? Heaven and Hell is when I think you talk about your favourite things and your worst things. I can't remember, it's been a while back. He says, I see the nethy pot is an important tool.

Netty pot is... What's that? A netty pot is like a little watering can that you fill with warm water and salt in the mornings. And you pour it up one nostril and the water comes out the other. And then you switch around and it clears your tubes. This is a very new thing. I've never heard about this. Well, that's what it is. I'm going to have to fit this in. I didn't do it this morning

because, I don't know that I've ever told you to this, but I don't actually I have my shower and all that on the evening, on the Friday night. I don't have time this morning. What? You don't bath in the morning? No, not if I'm... I don't have time. I can What? So I show... You don't bath in the morning? I don't...

No, not if I'm... I don't have time. I get up at 6.15 to come in. Dirty old man. No. You dirty... Don't leave me here. No, so, yeah, so I don't do it in the morning.

I just get up and I put deodorant over the deodorant that I put on last night. Oh, we should be grateful. Well, yeah, I like to, you know, I'm working with people in the closed area. I like to think I'm making an effort. And that's it. So, no, anyone listening and they're thinking, oh, hold on, is there a decaying vegetable somewhere in the kitchen?

It's me. Can the smells go over the radio? I think they can if you're listening on FM. Those of you listening in AM, you're not going to get anything. No, no smell. You're going to have to take my word for it. But I didn't have a time for a shower this morning. Oh, there you go, you see.

It's the boys of Star Wars. It's like the school holidays, isn't it, when you keep the same socks on for like a month. There used to be a point at the school holidays where it was possible to get your socks on the wrong feet. You're sort of a bit uncomfortable. I must have them on the wrong feet. I did that with my shoes.

I used to get... Did you ever put your shoes on the wrong feet? That's more normal. Generally, you phase that out as you get older, don't you? But I sometimes still do that. Do you really? I turned up at the airport wearing odd shoes recently. Odd shoes.

Different odd shoes or just a pair of odd shoes? Yeah, you've seen my normal shoes and you think they're odd. But no, an actual... Two bits from two different pairs. When you say you turned up at the airport, I presume just to watch planes. Yeah. Those are the people who turn up in hot shoes.

Making my notes. That one's coming again. It's the fact that you don't have to change your voice to do that. That's what worries me. What else does Johnny Worrell... He says that he used to do that, what you do with a neti pot, until he discovered the joyous SinuPulse Elite.

It's an advanced nasal sinus irrigation system. Hold on, hold on. They haven't paid for an advert. They can't. This sounds a bit suspicious. Let's lose the brand name. He says, fill it up, place the fetching nasal tip up your nostril, turn it on and moan in delight as your nostrils become free

from the hideous grime of modern living. I'm no way associated with the manufacturers. I'm just an allergy-suffering pheasant who was born on the wrong planet. Just a minute. An allergy-suffering... Is that his mistake or yours? No, no, he does say pheasant. Oh, well, then.

He is. We get all sorts of people listening. I feel bad. Now I know he's actually poultry. I mean, I was condemning him for not using the word deer. The fact that he can actually muster an email. actually poultry i mean i was you know i was condemning him for not using the word deer the fact that he could actually muster an email he's he's online and that's that's something and constantly under threat if you think about it he was born and he was born on the wrong planet he

should be from the planet of the pheasant men and he was born on earth no hold on where does the planet think of is that what he said he was born on the wrong planet. He's an allergy-suffering pheasant who was born on the wrong planet. Okay. Wow. Is this a treatment for a sci-fi movie? I think, well, it is now. I'm writing this down. Well, there you are.

Our first email is actually from a pheasant. I'm guessing, but I'm reckoning that's the first time that's happened on Absolute Radio. Absolute. We were just talking about me sticking things up my nose in the morning, but I mean things that clean my pipes out. Because it's like I had Qatar until about... My whole life, I had Qatar. There was a guitar up there.

Oh, God, you've actually done the Qatar guitar pun. I think we might have to close down the whole station. That's the one. You've broken the cardinal pun rule. You need to fire me again. Qatar. I don't know if I can get back from this, but let's try. I'll tell you what I do have a bath.

On the occasions I have a bath, and I'm more of a shower man, I have quite a strict ritual about what I do do in the bath and i'll keep this um decent obviously what i do i get in the bath i don't sit straight in i kneel and wash my face first of all because i don't want to wash my face in water where where i've been sitting oh i see so i kneel in the water and wash my face. And then I wash my behind, right? Because it's hard to wash something you're sitting on because you can't get at it. So I do that.

And then I sit. And then I do neck. So face, then behind. No, no. Yeah, that's right. To start with. But I'm still kneeling at this point. I haven't actually sat in the bath.

And then I finally arrive in the bath. And then I finally arrive in the bath, and then I start at the top. I start at the neck and go down. What, scrubbing yourself with a flannel or something? Scouring. Scouring? No, just, you know, the things, using a combination. Do you have people doing it for you,

or are you doing it all yourself? No, I'm doing it all myself. I'd like a kind of a car wash facility, but I'd be frightened. Spinning. So, actually, my girlfriend's sister had a haircut this week, and she's had a fringe.

I recommended that she had a fringe, and it really suits her, but she keeps saying, I can't stand this, I feel like I'm in a car wash. I think it might lead to some terrible trauma. It does sound to me, though, Frank, the way you approach bathing, if you don't mind me saying that,

it's a bit of a horrible chore to be dispensed with. Well, yeah, I don't enjoy it. I never wallow. The second I've finished the last foot, the last toe has been done, I'm out of there. Really? You know how people wallow in the bath? I've actually thought, you know, it's about time I tried the wallowing in the bath.

And I've lit candles. I've got a whole collection of candles, none of which match. I've got a black one I got from an Elton John do that I went to. And then one that's got a picture of Oscar Wilde and says, I have nothing to declare but my genius. And then one with Our Lady of Lourdes on. And they're all there, and I lit them all. And what I do is I light them, get in the bath,

and then I kneel, I wash my face, and then my behind, and then I go down and I wash my neck down to my feet and get out. You did exactly the same. Exactly the same. I get out immediately. I did the same thing in poor light. Yeah, and didn't wallow, not for a second. See, I can spend up to two hours in the bath

do you have to keep uh topping it up do you have an immersion heater in there yeah i can't i have the water running throughout um for quite yeah for most of that time and i just love it i do the candles thing are you one of these people who reads in the bath oh yeah how do people do the radio on as well that's always really nice people who reads in the bath? Oh yeah. How do people do that? Have the radio on as well, that's always really nice. Yeah, I read in the bath. I could spend forever in the bath just topping it up a little bit, definitely. Oh, good to me. It's my idea

of hell. Just in and out. Absolutely. You get in, you're clean. Like you're in prison or something? I think it's a whole different ball game in prison. I tell you what i'd like i don't understand those walking baths have you seen those how do you do that do you get do you walk in and then put the water in i thought it might be like a lock system like you get on canals

that half the bath is full and then you walk into the empty side close the thing and then you gradually let it into the levels go out with With Shire Horses, all worked by Shire Horses. You know this is the second time we've talked about bathing with Shire Horses on this show. That's weird. Absolute. Matthew has arrived. Now if you listen to this show next week you'll know that

Matthew is Emily's hairdresser. Do we say hairdresser or do we say stylist Matthew? Well hairdresser, I don't really know who's a hairdresser but stylist is a bit more of a glamorous word. But we don't say barber anymore do we say hairdresser do we say stylist matthew well hairdresser really knows hairdresser but sort of you know stylist is a bit more of a glamorous word but we don't say barber anymore do we so don't say barber the producer said that and i was really concerned about he was going to call matthew a barber he was going to storm out yeah how dare you so you work at a place called charles worthington that's right yeah that's a good name for a shop i think shops should have human people's names.

And you're a celebrity snipper, is it fair to say that? Well, that's the title, so yeah. I've done quite a few celebrities. We have to ask you what you've done, Matthew. Is it like a doctor you're not allowed to say? I can say if he doesn't want to know. He's done Jude Law.

He might want to say himself. It sounds nicer when Emma says it, doesn't it? Oh, go on. He's done Jude Law. him say he might want to say himself okay it sounds nicer when actually Emma says it doesn't it oh go on he's done Jude Law he's done Johnny Lee Miller who else Fern Britton my Fern yeah

my Fern my Fern okay if you'd said he'd done my Fern I'd have said oh he does a bit of gardening as well

bit of pruning oh well that's Jessica Peterson is her name is she Kevin Peterson's wife oh well that oh that's that's impressive yeah

because it's not easy when they're wearing a protective helmet no isn't there a Bond girl as well that you do Tamzin oh it's Tamzin Egerton

but she was in the St Trinians wasn't she yes that's it yeah so not a Bond girl at all oh okay

I've got it wrong I should say by the way at this point that we had a vote for everyone's favourite Bond girl last week and Honor Blackman won it for Pussy Galore. So we asked her to come in and celebrate

and she said, no, you're all right. So that didn't happen. But we're very excited and it's interesting because she was my first ever crush. I mean, when I was quite small. She was on The Avengers. And I remember she played a character called Cathy Gale, and I was so

in love with her that I had a love heart. Do you remember those sweets, love hearts? And it said Cathy on it, and I kept it for ages just because it had her name on it. Hey, now your girlfriend's called Cathy. Yeah. That's weird, isn't it? I might phone Arthur C. Clarke if we can get his number. So, Matthew, why don't you get your scissors

out and have a go? Okay, cool. Now, can I keep my headphones on? No, I was just thinking exactly that. Just cut round them. I can't believe you have headphones on. Just cut round them and I'd have, like, two bonds on the side. Just do that then. Yeah, we'll work round it.

Don't worry about that. We're professional. Who was your first crush, Gareth? Can you remember? It's funny because I was thinking if you kept your headphones on and he cut round that, you'd look like Princess Leia. Yes. And that was my first crush.

Well, perhaps I better not keep them on then. No, I might lose control. That was your first crush? Yeah, no, I think so. I think because obviously your style was... What's he spraying on your hair? Oh, is it water? Just a bit of water.

Okay. Don't panic. Everything's going to be all right. Anyone who's listening to this is going to get... It's all right. Oh, mind the wires, mind the wires. Matthew and I were referring to it as the makeover. Yeah.

Well, it's hardly that. I haven't washed my hair this morning, it's not bad. That's not bad at all, but you've got nothing, there's no product in it, this is you natural, isn't it? This is me natural, yeah. This is good. There's some scurf, but I haven't patented that. What do people normally talk about when you cut their hair?

Because I have to say, as soon as you touch my hair, I started thinking about football. Because all the years of having haircuts, I always talk to the barber, which we don't say anymore, about football. But I'm guessing you don't talk to... No, I'm glad you didn't say it. The first thing that came to my head was where you're going on holiday, because that's normally what everybody asks.

Do people say that? They still ask, and I just find... I sometimes think of actually taking the mickey when they say it back, because I just think, it's just such a cool... It's not a question to ask, but people still do. So I kind of avoid that massively. But you find you're just trying to get people that you know quite a lot, so you sort of build a relationship with them.

As this one with Emily. The conversations we have, you'd be quite amazed at, really. I imagine they're mainly malicious. So it's all good fun. But, yeah, you know, as long as you're talking about the person, you know, you're sort of talking to the client and talking about them and what they're up to, that's the main issue, really.

Not about yourself. Not about yourself. I just want to say at this point that this is the point in the haircut where the hairdresser sprayed some water on and brushed Frank's hair into a hilarious style. And they do like, it looked like a choir boy or something ready for church. It's hilarious.

Has he taken years off me? Well, no, I think he's taken you back in time. You look like someone from the 40s. David Petty always used to say when I spoke about my childhood, he used to ask me if I'd grown up in the 1930s the 40s. David Boudin always used to say when I spoke about my childhood, he used to ask me if I'd grown up in the 1930s and 40s. Maybe I'm a throwback.

Quite Albert Steptoe. I thought people... I really want to know where Matthew's going on holiday now. He's put the idea in my mind. See, I miss the days. You know, there's something for the weekend. You know, they really used to say that

when you got your hair cut. You really were offered contraception. Well, the barber would say that. That was barbers, though, wasn't it? Not hairdressers. Not stylists. Yeah, well, I don't think they sell the stuff anymore, do they? I'm guessing.

I haven't asked for many, many years. I've never been offered, but that doesn't mean it's not available. I mainly go to Catholic hairdressers. That's not really relevant. Absolute. So I'm having my hair cut live on air. You've actually got a load of hair over your sort of cape, so you look like some strange lord of the forest.

It looks like I'm a jilili with his shirt off. Yes. I'll tell you what I'm liking, Matthew, is that you never said to me what I wanted. You never asked me. You just started. I told him. I always feel on the spot when hairdressers say,

so what do you want? Because I think, you know, that's your job, isn't it? That is my job, absolutely. But I should have kind of sort of discussed it with you before. Oh, no. No, no, i'm i'm okay you know if it's good enough for fern britain it's good enough for me but i don't want a fin don't give me a thing so associate that with it with a certain type of lout

i think for a man in his 50s but no i like see i think if it was a kind of a science hairdressing which i think you'd agree with me it is mat of a science hairdressing which i think you'd agree with me it is matthew yeah is that i think you should be able to look at the shape of a person's head and face and where everything fits you know where their eyes are and all that and think oh what they need is and then you just like give me a magical formula which makes me as good looking as i potentially can be well that's what it's all about though that's sort of what makes a good stylist is you're looking at the person who's wearing it and face shape hair Well that's what it's all about though that's sort of what makes a good stylist is you're looking at the person who's wearing it and face shape, hair texture

that's all the things you have to take on board and then you create the shape that's going to sort of maximise your looks you know, sort of get you sort of I've been trying to maximise my look for many many years my head shape as well, that Rosalind Sam by the way, we've had to put paper down

because there's people in this studio after, they don't want hair everywhere. They don't want the Lord of the Forest cloak. No, my head is basically shaped like a light bulb. I've got like a big,

I imagine I've got an enormous brain, I could be wrong about that. Have you got a particularly big, what do you think, Matthew? No, it is quite big. It's quite deep.

A deep, okay. My hat size is something like eight and most people is like six and seven eight so i've got like a sort of i think i might have a little hint to the elephant man about me nothing too severe but you know just uh just for seasoning this is taking years off you this hair is it yeah do look fantastic? I love it so far. Be careful. I think it would be inappropriate for you to like it too much.

Okay. I said to you earlier, I said you've got a lot of hair. You've got really thick hair, lots of wavy hair, which is why your hair, you know, you've got that sort of fuller hair. So what we're doing is reducing that weight so it's going to sort of reduce the whole size. It's going to be a bit more, it's going to get a better shape all around. Well, you know, for a man of my age,

I mean, you know, I'm not bald. No, I'm majorly impressed. That's not fabulous. I mean, you look at that crown. A friend of mine said he realised he had no idea he was going bald. You know when you lean back on a chair and you lean back on the last two legs,

like the back two legs, he leaned back and he felt his head cold against the wall. And he thought, no, I didn't know him. And that was when he realised he was bull, which is such a shocking thing. So we had an email, didn't we, about the dog whisper? I don't know if you know, the other week,

I talked about programmes that I'd seen. You know when you go on to the listings on the telly, if you've got digital, and you can see a list of all the programmes, but you don't know what any of them are. The dog whisperer is always on, but I've never seen it. And there's also, there's a thing called sex-etra, which I can only guess, but I've never seen that either.

I bet Matthew's seen that. Oh, it's Skype, plus that. Well, I don't think we should have a rundown of sex, etc. But someone did, they wrote in about the dog whisperer. Yes, they did. God, Gareth's on fire this morning. He's so fascinated by my wet fringe. Did you hear the shuffling of papers?

Can you hear that, listeners? Yes, Lisa Cheeky. Lisa Cheeky? Is she the cheeky girl that never got... She's like Amy Osbourne. She's like the fat, cheeky girl. Lisa Cheeky says... Cheeky?

Surely it's Tracy. Maybe Tracy, but it's spelt Tree-key. No, that's Tracy. Tracy. Like the hat designer, Philip Tracy. Lisa Tracy, like the hat designer, Philip... I forgot to tell you all about the fantastic programme that is The Dog Whisperer. Did you say I forgot to tell you all?

Yes. We don't need to know that she forgot, do we? We don't know what was going on in our head. We don't feel offended. Does it begin, Dear Frank? We don't know what was going on in her head. We don't feel offended. Does it begin, Dear Frank, this? It says, Hi, Frank and the gang. Oh. It's a hi one.

OK, carry on. It's a fantastic man called Cesar Millan that goes around America and tries to solve dog owners' problems with their dogs. This is the dog whisperer? Yeah, the dog whisperer. But the brilliant aspect of the programme is it's not the dog's problem,

it's the owner's 99% of the time. Yeah. Unless, obviously, it's distemper. Or hard pad. No, please, it's usually the owner. It'd be great if you went around hearing please. A rubbish programme. It's to do with pack leadership, though, isn't it?

So it's like you have to assert yourself with the dog. You have to establish that you're the leader of the pack like you you are with gareth and i yeah really i know how you lick us in you sniff around us yeah but that's all that's all off air i'd rather keep that on the wrap okay no i think there is a similar thing i uh i actually i've got to be honest i watched the dog whisperer last night night because I knew this email was in the building about that. And it was brilliant. I'd recommend the dog whisperer. Oh, God, this bloke turns up and these dogs are just,

this dog bit him about four times. I've never realised how exciting it is to watch a dog biting somebody. It was fantastic. I could have watched an hour of it. It was jumping, ripped all his shirt. It was going to tear him to pieces. It was fantastic I could have watched an hour of it it was jumping, ripped all his shirt it was going to tear him to pieces it was fantastic you could do that, you could kind of like do

Frank Skinner with dogs biting people the new show, that could be I think that title people might get what that was about but yeah, it made me think I'd like to be one of those police dog handlers where you can just, you know, not that they would set them on people willy nilly obviously

but that part of it was exciting absolute my haircut is I feel like it's on the verge of completion would that be fair to say Matthew

yeah we're almost we're almost there you're a quick worker if I went into the salon wouldn't you take Emily says it takes two and a half hours

to get her cut well Emily she's always in there forever anyway. It's just hard to get her out of the place. I imagine the electrolysis must be 45 minutes. It's at least an hour and a half. Yeah.

I'll tell you what I'm liking, having my hair cut without a mirror. It's kind of more exciting. I should get rid of mirrors in hairstylist. And just find it when you get home. I think there's much less arguing and violence then after. No, I think it's, you're not even going to be able to hold

the mirror behind my head and I have to go, yeah, yeah, great. I hate the pressure of that. The times I've lied. I've thought it's the back of my head. What am I supposed to... Yeah, oh, yeah, that's lovely. Thanks.

Terrible. Has there been communication, Gareth? I've had the text, actually, from my wife. Yeah, that's so popular, this show. It's basically families and friends who text you. She just texted an in-joke, and it says, Gareth, how much would that haircut cost? I'd feel cheated paying for something that they take away.

And this is because we... Laura says that she always feels cheated going to the hairdressers because they take something off you. So they take your hair off you. That's quite an interesting... And then you have to pay for them to do that. I think she thinks they should get the hair as payment.

So they have to utilise that in some way. Maybe make two ways out of it or something. I don't know. What do you think about that? I've been all having people take their own hair away.

It's hard to see it when you're up. Yeah, well, that's what I think. Well, if I'm paying, well, I'm having the hair. I'll take it with me. You know, you could probably eBay some of the hair you've got, though, Matthew. I mean, I'd pay, say...

Celebrity hair. I'd pay eight quid for Britain's complete hair. If you'd like Frank's hair, text in and we'll bag it up for you and send it out. You can just turn up with a vacuum cleaner. Yeah. That would be very grateful. Well, that's a good idea. She's right.

I mean, they are taking something away, and then you're paying them. But I suppose, say, if you're in private medicine, you have your appendix out. It's a similar argument. I think, obviously, they leave you with a beautiful haircut. That's the idea. So you gain at the end of the day.

Are you going to zhuzh it at the front? Yeah. Do you like sort of what I'm calling a backseat stylist? Sorry. Are you going to zhuzh it at the front? Is jubiling in the dictionary? I always say zhuzh ye not, for as ye zhuzh, shall ye be zhuzhed. Oh, no.

Sounds like Alan Hansen. That's my New Testament haircut. What do you think about Obama's dog? Obama's dog? We were talking about... Oh, Beau. He must get haircut, because he's got the end of his tail, it's got like a big round ball on it.

Have you seen it? It's like a clown dog. Yeah, I've seen that. It's a Portuguese water dog isn't it? And apparently they got it because it's the little girl's allergic to has allergies so it's not... The Portuguese water dog doesn't make you sneeze. Yeah, that's right. I've always thought

when people say I'm allergic to cats and that couldn't you just scotch guard them? I don't think so, no. Wouldn't that stop it working? OK. I think it's the little... This is going to be horrible. It's the stuff that dust mites leave, isn't it?

It's dander, isn't it? It's the skin. It's dog dander and cat dander gets in their nose. That dog was a present there wasn't it from teddy kennedy see i think that's quite strange giving a dog as a gift well teddy kennedy i'm not surprised he has a water dog because uh didn't he drive his car in off a bridge once so those dogs have webbed feet that his life was probably saved by that dog i thought you can have some go to a dog's home and get

a stray and it would be all a lovely thing and him saying I'm a man of the people. Instead he buys a really obscure dog or he gets one from a Kennedy and it's really expensive and I'm not voting for him again. Absolute. I believe

my hair is complete. Is that right Matthew? It's all done now. Just adding a bit of product. Yeah, a bit of product. Always a bit of product. Smells great, that does. Yeah, I always think men, it just annoys me that men just wash their hair and they just go

and they never put a bit of product on their hair. I know, tell me about it. It just looks so fluffy and undone. You know, but my dream is to... I love when your hair's so short you don't have to put product in. Because you just shower and exactly... Well, you're going to be happy now.

But now, obviously, is it really short? I feel an urge to go... Have you seen that film, that TV show Prison Break? No, it's not that show. I don't want to see the mirror. I like the idea that the people watching, absolute listeners, watching this on the webcam, see my haircut before I do. It's a fabulous sort of giving to the public.

What's the vote on it? You can be honest, can't they, Matthew? Oh, very honest, yeah. I think it takes years off you. Yes. I do. Well, my dad always, when I come back from the haircut, wants to say it looks like something's come off.

Yeah. Right. And it definitely looks like, no, it looks really good. It looks like something's come off. And it definitely looks like no, it looks really good. It looks like something's come off. Are you happy with it, Matthew? I am, yes. Now if you want to have your hair cut by Matthew,

I want to say Frank Worthington, but he was a 1970s footballer who had terrible hair. What's the name of the shop? Charles Worthington. So you can go. Do they have to ask for you by name if they want you? Oh, absolutely, yes. Go in and ask for me. Okay, there you can go. Do they have to ask for you by name if they want you? Oh, absolutely, yes. Go in and ask for me. Okay, there you go.

On the unlikely event that any of our listeners could afford, Matthew. Absolute. I've seen my haircut now. I've looked in the mirror. I went to the toilet during the news, which I think is what DJs generally do. It's packed in there. Everyone's in there during the news.

Can't move for DJs. And so I looked in the mirror, and it's packed in there, everyone's in there during the news, can't move for DJs so I looked in the mirror and it's quite short and I realise what I've been doing, the way people sweep dust under the carpet, I've been sweeping things under my fringe for some time now, dry skin and sleep from my

eyes and that, it's all under there it's like when you move the fridge out it was dragging you down though that fringe, think you're probably right you know i'm feeling i feel lighter generally speaking now are you intimated during the uh the break um m that you did a very strange dog incident the likes of which i ain't never heard of before as pete waterman would say you ain't never going to be a pop idol. Go on. It was a very strange incident.

I was about the curious incident of the dog in the playground. I must have been about 11. I was at that age when you're on the cusp of suffering from really crippling social embarrassment at anything. So it was bad timing. I had my little top on and my brand new skirt,

which I was very proud of. There were loads of kids. It was a summer's day. Loads of boys and girls. And a dog came over and started... I thought, well, that's a sweet dog, and started stroking it. And then it grabbed my skirt in its mouth

and whipped it off, Bucks Fizz style, and went running off with my skirt. So I was stuck there in my pants. I mean, that is an unbelievable I think that was the school caretaker in a dog suit I never trusted him

my sister said she said it was like a proper you've been framed it looked like it had been set up for you being framed

I mean if that had been shot on video that would have been fantastic I burst into tears I reacted in a very well adjusted way and I wept well just the closeness of a dog snarling mouth is frightening for anyone if it removes an article of clothing i always find that's distressing it was more just the loitering in my

pants which wasn't great the dog the dog loitered in your pants no no you were loitering in your pants that's right the dog littered oh i don't in your pants? Oh, I don't want to talk about Emily's pants. It doesn't seem proper. No, that doesn't seem proper. Well, we talked about you kneeling in the bath. I think the listeners have texted in and said they're still getting over the terrible image of you kneeling.

I'm sorry, yeah. I don't want the show to get... I like the idea that the show is clean. I like that. It's early morning. Let's talk about... What about the cleanest thing of the week? And that was Susan Boyle on Britain's Got Talent.

Actually, she didn't look that clean. Wow. I've come to mention it. But it was a clean, pure sound that came out of her. Mmm. That's the cleanness in Susan Boyle. I don't think she looked dirty. Well, I think...

Well, OK. Well, you know, I think you can have a successful music career and look dirty. No, but she just looked normal a successful music career and look dirty. No, but she just looked normal. Amy Winehouse looks absolutely filthy. She looks like she's fallen asleep on a sun lounger and mischievous boys have come and drawn tattoos and eyeliner on her and then run off and no-one's told her.

But anyway, I'm just saying, Susan Boyle, well, OK, she didn't look... They call her the hairy angel in the Daily Mail, so... They're making this huge deal out of the fact that she looks really unkempt and unmade over. And I think everyone on talent shows in the 70s and 80s looked like that. That's what people look like. Well, everyone in the 70s looked like that, generally. I know that from my own experience.

They stopped those talent shows. That's why they were phased out. I mean, when she first walked on, I thought, I'm sure I had sex with her at a party in 1974. Oh my god. And then she said she'd never been kissed, and I thought, well, that'd be right. That could be her, then.

Eddie Large, that's who she looks like. Eddie Large. Do you know that's from the... It's her hair. I think that's so mean. There was honestly a moment... So accurate. There was honestly a moment when I thought it was P.S. Morgan. And I thought this is like...

It's the first show and they've done it as a bit of a ruse to fool the audience. You could see him in there. Yeah, that's make-up. That's not real. Is that something you thought? I always think that. I used to think Rick Waller wasn't really fat. Because I thought he was just a gimmick.

But she was an amazing singer. Oh, God. For all, whatever you might think about it, I cried like a baby when she sang. I cried as well. Did you cry, Gareth? No. I think there's too much pressure now.

When I watch stuff, you say, Oh, you've got to watch it. I cried, and then you, I cried, and then I'm there trying to squeeze something out when I watch stuff you say oh you've got to watch it I cried and then you I cried and then I'm there trying to squeeze something out but I'm just dead inside there's nothing there I've noticed that well I really I sobbed and

and also I did what you did I watched it on YouTube and cried again I cried all over again I cried when you just told an anecdote about her at lunch the other day. I cried. Yeah, I can't remember what the anecdote was. Was it me having sex with her at a party?

I think she cried as well. I can't remember. I think we both did. Once we sobered up, we were absolutely sobbing. Absolute. Guess what? Omid Jalili is in the studio. Hey.

Say somebody clap. We haven't worked out a great deal. A week of applause. We haven't worked out a greeting. Sorry, I mean, just, yeah, we don't clap on the whole thing. Yeah, we've never done that. We think it's slightly patronising. But you can tell by our faces that we're pleased to see you.

So why should we... Slightly patronising. Well, the guy asked me, can you count to ten? And you all took bets if I actually could do that. Well, it's just that our producer always gets the guest to count to ten. And he always does it in a way that he thinks possibly they can't rather than he does the sound check. They always look slightly affronted.

Anyway, I got a sneak preview of your new BBC comedy. You watched it? I did watch it. You're probably the first one. No, I'm sure that's not true. I laughed a stink. I don't know whether we're supposed to keep things secret or not, but there was some things like Jihad's Army.

Oh, did you like that? Which is a Dad's Army thing, which absolutely cracked me up. That's a classic clip, but a lot of people said they don't know that clip, that whole... Oh, really? You were talking about it, yeah. Oh, God, that's a really... Well, I don't want to say what it is, but anyway, it's very funny.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed that. And it starts with a fabulous sketch about bottle banks, which, again, I won't go any further with. And... Neil Francis, who's on before us, mentioned your gag about the Samaritans. Oh, God. I was still laughing at this morning, but it's quite strong.

But it's good. It's risky. And what I like about it is that because you're, what did you say, Middle Eastern? Iranian background. British Iranian. It means that you can talk about subjects. If an English comic said it, it might sound like it was a bit dodgy, and you can really get in there. So I really liked it.

So well done. Thank you. And we should say exactly, it's on Monday night? Monday night's 10.35. I was a bit disturbed. What channel? BBC One. Yeah, that's right.

That's the thing. I don't think I'm, it's very weird that I was a bit disturbed. What channel? BBC One. I don't think I'm... It's very weird that I'm on BBC One. I'm fit for public consumption for Middle England, and jokes like that Samaritan thing, they thought we were fine, which is... I think there was only one swear word

in the whole show, so I think as long as you're not swearing, you can... That swear word was in character as Henry VIII. Who swore in character as Henry VIII. Exactly. Who swore a lot, Henry VIII. I should warn you, I know we mention this every week, but Emily has got a weird thing about Henry VIII, in that

she's got a sort of fancy as Henry VIII. Yeah. Wow. Are you really into all that? Yeah. Into all what? Being beheaded. Yeah, that's what you like. Because my wife is really into Henry VIII. Really? Yeah, yeah.

How dare she? I was there first. Well, I actually asked her once, what's your biggest sexual fantasy? And she goes, to provide a male heir for Henry VIII. I completely relate to that. She sounds like a fascinating woman. People usually, whenever I've asked a woman that, they can't think of anything.

They'll say, I don't have anything anything. They say, do I have anything really? They always say to me, can't remember what Susan Boyle's... Can I make it clear? Yes. Nothing happened between me and Susan Boyle. I thought you said you'd slept with her. No, I said a woman who looked like Susan Boyle I slept with in the 70s.

I'm sure it wasn't her. It just reminded me of her that's all well she said she'd never been kissed did you kiss this woman? no I never no you never kissed right

kissing I've never been that keen on anyway it could still have been it could have been it never seems holy or not it's not really hygienic at the front page a guy said she has been kissed I've given her many a peck on the cheek

yeah but he said he said I've often kissed her and said, don't worry, everything will be all right. Well, I mean, that's not a romantic kiss, is it? That's pity. Poor Susan. But did you watch that moment? I did, yes.

I heard you all talking about how you were moved. I was more moved by the fat Greek guys dancing the Michael Flatley thing, because they've obviously, the baton has been passed on from the fat, hairy men dancing to the other fat, hairy men. But I was very moved by that, because that's the kind of thing we do in our family. We all do dances, and obviously that's the kind of thing

they do in the restaurant and at home, and they've just... Was it the Hammersmith Apollo they did that? That was incredible. I love the idea that your family all dance. My family... My sister Nora used to do the twist. I remember they used to do that thing of taking up the carpet and putting beer on the floor to make it slippery.

And I think some vomit, but that was accidental. And then they used to twist like there was, they were a blur of twisting girls with beehives. It was fantastic. But I love the idea of coming from a kind of family where everyone dances. Yeah, it's just something we all... From a very young age, since the kids were very young,

they were into Elvis, really advanced things for them. We'd just play on them, they just used to dance. Now, here was me thinking it was a fabulously ethnic, mysterious thing, and it's Elvis. Of course, yeah. For everything. Absolute. So we're with

Omid Jalili this morning who's new sketch show and sketch and stand up show. Yes. He's on BBC 11035 on Monday

night and he's very funny so it comes with our recommendation. I remember with my brothers seeing you on telly and we we loved it.

It's one of those things where you talk about it afterwards. You know you did the funny jaw thing when you did the funny. Oh was one of those things where you talk about it afterwards. You know you did the funny jaw thing? When you did the funny... Oh, was that like a laugh?

Yes. Yeah, that's right. I just... I'm sorry to reduce you to that. You're brilliant, but... The night before, I'd literally seen some theatre production. It was a one-man show in a fringe thing. And the opening line was just a pin spot on his face.

He went, I am the devil. And I just saw that the night before so I just did it in the show and I think everyone talks about that. I have to say, if you're listening on radio, which most of you are, you're not getting the full... Something very funny happens with Amit's mouth that you can't really see. The mouth moves weevil when I'm signing.

You should watch him on telly, you'll see all this then in its full visual glory. So you go and watch comedy, don't you? You're not one of these comics who don't. No, I think it's important to. I went to Russell Brand at the O2 last night and it was a 90 minute treatise on what actually happened with

the whole Saks Gate thing. And he answers everything really well. He's extremely ironic. But what was amazing, there was almost 95% of the audience were women dressed to the nines who felt they had a hope of sleeping with him. And they did, because he walked into the audience

two or three times and snogged a few of them. I always used to snog. During the show? Yeah, well, there was a bit he did at the end where he's filming for the sequel to Forgetting Sarah Marshall. So he plays Aldous Snow and he does a couple of songs

and the audience are briefed and they all... O2 becomes 16,000 extras. And they said, go into the crowd and snog the girls. And he did that. It was absolutely amazing. The girls were literally throwing knickers at him and bras. There was a bra on stage.

And in a lovely hat stand, he put that bra there. It was a very clever show. I'm glad he had something to hang the underwear on. He hanged the underwear on. I think health and safety. It's not like when they used to throw at Tom Jones. People were, you know, no, you can't have underwear just lying about.

Someone could fall. It was an extraordinary show. No, he's very upfront about that. When I saw him, he said... I saw the beginning of this tour at Reading, and as you say, it's very funny, and he said, you know, basically, my catchment here, as far as women is concerned,

is anyone from 18 to dead. To death. And I noticed on the ticket, it said, you must be 18 and over to come in, and I thought, he's just making sure there's no-one in who is not legitimately target. He didn't say, you must be 18 and alive. Yeah.

No, I think that's true. He should have said that because there could have been dead people there that he fancied and that would have just been frustrating for him. No, but I think it's good to go. It's good to go and see what people are doing and see what all the zeitgeists are doing. I love it.

I love watching stand-up. It's great. But you're not... You are a stand-up, obviously, but you're also a proper actor. Yes. You've been in big films and stuff like that, The Mummy and Gladiator and proper big, massive films.

And you're doing a film... Now you've sunk doing a film with David Baddiel. It's gone that way. What's happened? So David Baddiel has written it, is that right? He came to see me at the Palladium and then at the Hammersmith Apollo, and said, I've got an idea.

And he pitched it to me, which is basically a second-generation Pakistani Muslim, a kind of Homer Simpson of Muslims, who's always, you know, just lying around. Sort of Omar Simpson. Omar, yes, exactly. But his family are all quite devout Muslims, and when his mother dies, he finds out he's been adopted

and that his real parents are Hasidic Jews. So he deals with his hereditary Judaism in a very Muslim way by going out and finding out about his Judaism and declaring himself a Muslim Jew. And that's all I'm allowed to say. And that's the first 20 minutes of the film, and then all hell breaks loose. I think it's a fabulous script.

I said, well, we talked about it. I said, David, go away and write it and the first draft was so fabulous that he's developed it since and we're in production. We start shooting May 11th. Isn't that guy from The West Wing in it as well? Richard Schiff, yes.

If you go to my website, there's a clip of him talking about the movie actually. That was so neatly done, wasn't it? Yes, you saw the clip, yes. If you go to my website, there's a clip of him talking about the movie, actually. That was so neatly done, wasn't it? Yes, you saw the clip, yeah. Absolute. Oh, yeah, you're going to play Fagin in the West End version of Oliver. Isn't that one of the best parts anyone could have?

I swear to God, doing the film with David Baddiel, where I play a Muslim Jew, and now playing Fagin, the Jew, if I'm not taken in by the Jewish community now, into their bosom and stroked and loved, I don't know what. No, it's a bizarre one, though. I've never done musical theatre. And the way it actually works is that you don't...

Obviously, I never put myself in the running. Cameron McIntosh chooses you, and then you say, Oh, great, thank you. And they say, Well, now you have to prove you can do it. So then I had to do an audition. And I love lovies. Is that quite scary, though? It was a bit scary, but they're also nice.

So what was it like when you auditioned for that? Is it like three people sitting at a table and you stand? Is it like in a flash dance? No. You turn up in leg dance. No, no. I would have been more comfortable if it was like that it was actually in a theatre

and about ten of them sat there so you're on stage on a stage and there's a guy on a piano I bet there was one elderly man with glasses on a chain around his neck yes there was actually there was and he's the musical director I wouldn't say he's elderly

kill me if I say that but I love it because they're all such lovies. And because I've been around comics so long, we're just straight talking. I did it and they said, well, that was wonderful. Really enjoyed that. So do you think Fagin is something you'd like to do? Expecting me to say, darling, it's been a lifelong ambition.

I said, I'm here, aren't I? I'm here. What more do you want? And they were like, they caught my eye. They were like, he's not very enthusiastic. They were a bit confused by me. What part of me turning up to audition for Fagin did you interpret that I might not be interested? Exactly.

I'll tell you something. I was at the Chelsea-Liverpool game and they were very kind to give us a box. I had one Liverpool fan there who just eked his pleasure when Liverpool scored. And then all the Chelsea fans were screaming at us. They said, you, get them out. And just the most appalling

volley of abuse. And every time Liverpool scored, we got all this abuse. But the most hurtful thing amongst all the din, they were looking at me and they just heard this. People say, get lost. They're swear words. And they just heard this. I never thought he was funny. That was the most hurtful thing. That's the worst thing.

That's the worst thing.'s the worst thing to hear that that was appalling. That's just unacceptable. Well look anyway so when do you start in Oliver? July 20th. Fabulous

and your show is on 10.35 on BBC One on Monday night and good luck with all of it and thanks very much for coming on

ladies and gentlemen Omar Jalili is about to leave. Absolute. Gareth you're looking at me as if you've got something to say i have this week i am if the listeners don't know my wife and i are having a baby right which is good news before you pull that face at me frank well i'm not pulling the face it's just the idea that i don't want people saying my wife and i are

having one well like your son you're gonna share Charles says I am having an heir. How am I supposed to say it? Okay, well, that's great. Obviously, that's lovely. We're all pleased about that. Yeah, no, but people do look at me

as if, oh, dear. Who is going to raise that child? Well, you look, I think that's because you look boyish. You look like you're still at school.

I look younger than you. I know, it's not you've had your hair cut. I think you look younger than me. We all look, this looks like Grand Jill,

isn't it? Obviously, Emily, it? Obviously, Emily is Bridget the Midget. But, no, you look young to be fathering a child.

But obviously, it's a brilliant thing. I mean, I'm saying that. There's kids in the paper. I mean, I am terrified. I mean,

I think everyone, are you supposed to be terrified? I think everyone's supposed to be terrified. I'm terrified. Of children. I am nowadays.

I'm phobic of children. Is that a problem? That's going to be a problem. I don't want to be terrified. I'm terrified. Of children. I am nowadays. I'm phobic of children. Is that a problem? That's going to be a problem. I don't want to near me. Could you scotch-cott them? Is that going to be... Do they make you sneeze? I bet your eyes are on.

They've all got... I mean, I was talking to your wife the other week who's a schoolteacher. You may know that. You may not. You must wonder where she goes every day. She does something.

I don't keep up with her. But I was a bit... I always... When I look at a group of children, I always think nits. That's the first thing I think. I think you'd be right. Yeah. I always imagine if you're a schoolteacher with small kids, you're catching stuff all the time

because they're a reservoir of disease and infection, small children. And she said she'd had nits. Yes, I've had to do the lotion on her hair. I've had to do that. My godchildren got nits and I had to go into the chemist. How humiliating is this? A woman in her 30s going in asking for nit shampoo. It was awful.

Were you scared she was going to go, Ah, she's got nits! Ah, she's got nits! My goddaughter was born under a lucky star. Piers Morgan had the flat upstairs. OK, so carry on. And so this week, we've had, there's some parenting courses

that everyone goes on. You do three. And I went to, I couldn't go to the first two. So I went to the third one and it was about breastfeeding. Okay. So I felt a bit seedy,

like I was just turning up for the breastfeeding one. You just turned up for the breastfeeding one. You'd just turn up for the breastfeeding one. But I wasn't. They just said it. It just happened to be how it turned out. But there's men and women. Yeah, everyone went with their partners.

It was only the men. Desperately trying to lactate. Oh, God, that would be terrible. You can do it, but it hurts. And they said it was quite fun. I mean, it was good they were very professional the ladies who did it they were very good but they had um they had woolen breasts the women did no like they brought them along no it's all good i think the early implants were knitted very bad fake ones they were crocheted

no they had like standing by the like freestanding so that you could practice the moves on them you could practice doing were the babies there practicing no the babies weren't born yet

I thought they'd have had a baby they had pretend babies. Oh, it's got so... I feel we've got deeply involved in this and we're coming to the end of the show now. So what happened? Um... LAUGHTER

That was The Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth and bye-bye.