The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Stephen Mangan & Rhys Thomas

Episode Date: April 18, 2010

This week Frank, Emily and Gareth are joined by Stephen Mangan and Rhys Thomas, stars of new UK Indie flick 'Beyond The Pole'.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute Radio. Goodness, I went to a Bon Voyage party last night for Meow Meow. It's left me a little shaken, I'll be honest with you. Anyway, welcome to the Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Show.

I'm with Emily, I'm with Gareth. Good morning. What have you got? I've got pig eyes! Don't lead me into it. I'm trying to wean myself off the pig eye. Don't be shy about the pig eye. Maybe you're right.

So it's funny old times going on. I love the idea that volcanoes are stopping aeroplanes from flying. It's so much. It's a complex disaster movie. I love it. It's sort of old world taking on modern world and winning. Well, Laura came in when I was still asleep the other morning to tell me about it. And I just, you know, when you just incorporate something into your dreams.

I like that Laura always has to tell you what's going on in the world as well. He just lies in bed, slumbering. And she comes in and says things. Apparently there's going to be a general election. All right, fine. I can imagine it. Now, go on. So she came in and told you about it.

Yeah, and I just incorporated it into my dream, so I thought it was a dream, and it wasn't until I was on the tube and they said, oh, flights are cancelled because of the volcanic ash. And I was like, oh, my goodness. It's really happening. It's really happening. So you thought you'd dreamt the whole thing?

Oh, God. Well, all I'm worried about is, how am I going to get to Mauritius in a couple of weeks? I hope it subsides by then. I think it'll clear by then, surely. I can't believe that the whole world has been brought down by Ash. It's like being Cheryl Cole.

Oh, very good, Frank. Do you see? What you have to do, you have to think about the words involved and see if you can make any kind of play out of them. That's how my career's worked. Apparently, Frank, John Cleese, even celebrities are affected by Ash, John Cleese paid £3,000 to get a taxi,

but he got the taxi from Norway to Brussels. Well, is that preferable in any way, to end up in Brussels? I'd rather stay in Norway. You might see A-ha or something. Well, he wasn't going to Brussels for any specific reason. Oh, I don't know. He's been mysterious. Well, he's keeping a low profile, I think that's... No one can argue with that. Or was that the hunchback of Notre Dame?

One of them certainly used to. I actually... I've been to Iceland. It does feel like it's going to explode at any moment. Everywhere you go, you drive along roads and there's like hot air and hot water. If you can imagine being very, very small

and driving across a teenager's face, that's what Iceland is like. So it's only a matter of time before the whole damn place goes up, I would say. Especially if Kerry Katona can get that explosive device working. I tell you what I'd like to know. Yeah. How does, if it's sand, they say it's sand, right

How does sand stay up in the air? Oh, I see what you mean Because steam, you can see that because it's lighter than Sand's quite heavy though, isn't it? Yeah, how does that I mean, if you were watching golf And they chip one out the bunker The sand doesn't just keep going up does

it well we should get some boffins to text in on hl15 i'm starving yeah there'll be some boffins listening oh yeah but i i'd really like to know that it's confused me i think isn't it just a lot of those ba strikers just squirting lighter fuel into a volcano in Iceland, thinking, yeah, we'll stop them. Absolute. Radio. The one who dies. Well, they won't die. It's still going on.

No. It was from Romeo and Juliet, wasn't it? The film that came out about Romeo and Juliet. Was it? A little bit of trivia. The film that came out about? What was it, a documentary? The film that came out about?

We've had a text in, Frank, on 8.12.15. Well, that's good news, because sometimes I think there's no one out there. Well, there is, and this is Ivor Staples. And can I just say I like that name? He's in charge of stationery. Yeah. You had to say it, didn't you? You had to. Obviously, we all knew it was there, just under the surface,

but you had to let it out. You're like Iceland in that way. Ivor starts very politely. He says, good morning, Frank, and all at Absolute Radio. I trust you're all well, which I like as an opener. Of course, I've no idea. What am I, a doctor? For all I know, I could be dribbling with illness internally as we speak. Well, he's got something to say about the volcanic ash.

He says, the Met Office are going to have to come up with some new symbols and phrases for the weather forecast now that we have ash in the equation. So to help them out, how about this? Rain and ash becomes rash. Snow and ash becomes snatch. And hail and ash becomes hash. Well, I don't want to get soaked in sleet and ash.

That's what worries me. I'm glad people are joining in uh we're on 8 12 15 if you want to just text us about anything you can text us if you like about restoration drama and we'll talk about it because we don't care you can also text us about the life of the african to. Right? Maybe you've seen a great blockbuster film like Hamlet or Macbeth or Romeo and Juliet. I saw a film about Hamlet. Yeah, I did as well. Yeah, and that was all right. I preferred Hamlet,

but it was sort of like the making of. I don't understand. Anyway, did I have a brilliant day last Saturday? Oh, you had some good news, didn't you? Automatic promotion with three games to spare. Yes, I don't mind if I do. It was great. I went up to Doncaster.

There was me and Adrian Childs, the TV celebrity. And Matthew Taylor, who's a mate of ours, and I don't think you'll mind me saying, he was once head of the Labour Party's policy unit. Wow. He's one of the cleverest men i've ever met it's like it's honestly like hanging out with an enormous wikipedia he knows everything and we're on our way to the game and we got a phone call from a guy we know works for the albion called simmo and he said one of the players um needs uh needs

some flowers he said he just needs one flower really he said he just needs one flower, really. Flowers? He really needs just one flower. So if you pass any flowers or anything, can you just grab one? So we ended up stopping on the dual carriageway safely, can I say, and Matthew had to get out and pick a daffodil. Oh, that must have been a nice flower. Yeah, so we could take...

We have no idea to this day what it was about. Really? Yeah, I don't... Why would you need one daffodil before an important football match? He's addicted to flowers. He needs to eat flowers before going on the pitch. I resent that remark. You'll be sued by Gabriel Tamas.

No, no, no. It's that kind of thing. You say we've got a problem, a daffodil problem at the Albion. It's people like you, you see, with their little casual remarks. Anyway, we had a fabulous time. But it all ended well. Oh, I'll say.

You know what we did? Or has it ended well, Frank? I think so. Well, I don't know. I worry. You see, your happiness does mean a great deal to me, I have to say.

And I do worry about you being promoted now. Because to me, that's like going out with the really good-looking guy. You're spending your whole life living on credit, waiting for them to dump you. Isn't it better to hang around in the lower reserves? I think what it's like is when you're in the championship, the lower of the two divisions, it's a bit like when you see someone you really fancy and then you think, I wonder if I can... And then you get them. Right at the end of the season divisions. It's a bit like, you know, when you see someone you really fancy and then you think, well, I wonder if I can... And then you get them. Right at the end of the season, you get them.

And then it's like, when you're in the premiership, it's like being in an abusive relationship. You don't know what mood they're going to come home in. You might get your head rubbed up the wall. All that kind of... That's what it's like. So, you know, that's one part of life's ups and downs. But we did have KFC on the way to the game. And then, because we got promotion, we had KFC on the way to the game. And then because we got promotion,

we had KFC on the way back. So I ended up having two three-piece dinners. Oh, yeah. Well, when you don't drink, you have to celebrate in other ways. Your skin must have looked great afterwards. Oh, it was fantastic. And that little string bow tie I had with the white beard.

I don't know where that came from. But, oh, man, I absolutely KFC'd through the window. Absolute Radio. So what about Dan Gosling? Oh, Dan Gosling. You've no idea what I'm talking about, have you? Whatever next. Dan Gosling is an Everton footballer who's done his ligaments in.

And the club, to make sure he doesn't do himself any more damage, obviously he's a young bloke, he's a footballer, they've fitted a stairlift in his house. And I read that story and it said that his fellow teammates have been having a go at him about it. What a surprise. And I thought, actually, that'd be brilliant, wouldn't it? Oh, I'd love that. I think what's good for Dan Gosling is good for the gang. I'd love a stairlift in my house.

Gosling is good for the gang. I'd love a stair lift in my house. Something really... I mean, I'm not wishing one on me by need. No. But I think it's all right to have something that you don't need. I had a conversation with a lady in a wheelchair the other night and I was saying to her, I've always fancied one of those mobility scooters

because you've got all your stuff with you. I love having all my stuff with me. See, blokes don't get this. You've got to fill your pockets. I saw a bloke on a mobility scooter, and he had a little tray in the front of him. He had a chess computer. That's lovely.

Shopping with a chess computer. Well, because usually when you stand up, you don't have a lap. So you can't have a laptop. But if you're sitting down, then you will have a lap. Well, you could have a laptop on a strap around you. Like a cigarette? Sort of like a hot vodka. Or like an electric...

Well, that'd be a bit high, wouldn't it? But you could have... You know, you get... Who was that... Oh, you used to have keyboards on straps in the 70s, right? You could have a laptop like that. We should bring that back. I'm on about those mobility scooters. You get like a drinks holder. All sorts. Stuff like that. Oh, yeah, yeah. I just jump on the back of it like the men do at the bumping cars on fairs.

I start spinning them like they do on the waltzers. Come on, mate, way! Chest pieces flying in all directions. When I was at university, I used to fantasise about just being on like a hospital bed the whole time and just being pushed around by nurses to my lectures and stuff. I'm sure that could have been a rage. And did you invent Rag Week?

What did you do at university? I did media arts. What does that mean? Watch telly. Yeah. And painted. We had screenings where we had to go and watch telly and like films. But you didn't, you just lay

in a bed and then Laura came in and told you what had happened in the lecture, so that was it. Actually, that's your life, isn't it? A bed being pushed around. You know those stair lifts though, Frank? I have an apartment and so it's all on one level. You have an apartment?

But can I just get a stair lift that would be like an affixed kind of wall travelator, so I could just go from room to room? Well, I mean, what you want is a cable car. Oh, that's it, Frank. A small... I'll tell you what has surprised me. The escalator has never really progressed into the domestic home.

You know what I mean? Oh, I know what you mean. You only ever get them in big shopping centres and stuff like that. I'd love an escalator at home. That's a great idea. Wouldn't it be brilliant? But you need a down one as well. I guess it could be reversible.

Oh, no, I'd just go down on the stairlift. Oh, yeah. It would be better for me because I've got shiny wooden stairs and you don't want to be on them in your stocking feet. It's a death joke. Also, slides haven't really taken off around the home slides would be brilliant again yeah sliding down that'd be fantastic and i'll tell you what you could do

you can have your dirty washing basket at the bottom of the slide so you could chuck dirty things into that and also to soften your landing when you you'd have that slightly post sock and pant odor about you when you climbed out of it but that you'd soon shrug that off you'd have to be disciplined and not put in plates down it and stuff, because if you've got a lot of stuff, you can put crockery, because then when you got to the bottom...

No, but you've taken a negative... You're already thinking about the things that could go wrong. Let's think about things that could go right. I'd love a shoot, though. Oh, I'd love a shoot. That's right, me today. I would. Let's see how long this record is.

You might have a chance to squeeze one in. So, oh, I love the next record, actually. But, well, it's just a minute. Yeah, so if anyone is listening and they want to text us and say what gadgetry would improve your home life, we'd love to hear it. Because it's about time. It stopped that in-house thing. The sort of Tees Made phenomenon.

Yeah, the Goblin Tees Made. I'd miss her frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio we don't need to turn to text messages or we've had a text in on 8 12 15 saying frank give us a wave okay where's my where's my camera? I can't just do it, do I? Fanky, Fanky, give us a wave. Fanky, give us a wave. I'll do it the way managers do it. So I'm watching the game over here, right? Okay, Gareth, one, two, three. Fanky, Fanky, give us a wave. Fanky, give us a wave. It's always done like, I'll give you a wave,

but I'm actually quite busy. You don't want to turn around and give them a really big wave and then they think, well, hold on, do you care about us or do you care about the team? You've got to be careful. Now, we've had some texts in from people suggesting gadgets they'd like around their house. Oh, yes. Well, Mike in St Albans actually has a gadget-related anecdote,

saying he recently went to a bar in Austria that had a slide down to the toilet. He said it wasn't literally into the toilet itself, though. Slide down to the... I'm worried that that might literally into the toilet itself, though. Slide down to the... I'm worried that that might have been a whole flat that had been built downstairs. A slide, but no upward way of getting... Yes, I don't like that. The trouble about a slide down to the toilet,

wouldn't it be tempting to just use the slide and think it'll get there eventually? Cut out the middle, mate. Exactly. How do you get up? You have to clamber up oh awful well you wouldn't have to have to climb oh no there must be stairs up i'd love to slide down to the top that would be brilliant though wouldn't it oscar has said he'd like a corby trouser press dreaming big oscar you can you can buy those though i've only ever seen them in hotels but i'm sure that i'm sure you can buy them, though. I've only ever seen them in hotels, but I'm sure you can buy them. Have you ever tried one, Gareth?

Yes, I believe I have. Did it work? It took a while to heat up. It took ages. Absolutely. It would take forever. I tried to do a pizza in one in a hotel in Enfield. And, oh, man, I ended up just eating what was essentially just cold pastry.

I used one when we did the show from Preston. That's how recently I used one. My dress was creased. Hold it, Preston. Isn't that where we did the show from? Yeah, I'm thinking Prest... Oh! Clearly you were having...

Something there. Let's workshop that. That was a subliminal message. What else are we hearing from the stratosphere? Well, Edward Gardner has suggested he would like... Ed Gardner? Ed Gardner. Isn't he the Ed Gardner? He says he'd like a mini ride on railway

to deliver food and mail around the house and dirty laundry to the utility. I like that idea. I like that he's delivering mail around the house. How many people live in Ed Gardner's house? I suppose that's the way it is when you're Ed Gardner. We also had a text explaining the volcanic ash phenomenon from Ed Pizer Knapp.

Ed Pizer Knapp? Yeah. Oh, he's one of my regulars. Is he? Yeah. OK. Don't bring your work here. Ed Pizer Knapp.

Hi, Frank, Emily and Gareth. From what I can work out, the volcanic ash that stays in the atmosphere is made up of very fine particles. I like from what I can work out. I'm imagining him at a blackboard with chalk doing a series of calculations. Oh, me too.

Fantastic. Oh, talk science-y to me, Ed. It's very fine particles being so light, the forces acting upon it by the atmospheric winds could be enough to overcome the forces of gravity for some time. Hope this helps. I don't think he knows what he's talking about. Well, I think he does, but I think you read that out

and you panicked halfway through and thought, I don't understand this. Yeah, and then you transmitted that to the listeners and to us. I hate that. I feel I've been let down in a big way. What you did, you got... You actually... It's as if that

text message came with a slide and you got on it so it's lighter than sand is that is that true someone said it was like talcum powder that's a helpful analogy does anyone in the world still use talcum powder yes lindsey lohan does she said that's why her shoes had were all because her shoes were all powder yeah no but that's why her shoes were all... Covered in powder. Yeah, but that's true, because some people do, because it stops your feet sweating, apparently. I don't sweat, so I wouldn't know, but apparently people that do sweat, that's what happens.

It's the sort of thing that the people used when I was a child. Obviously, they used it when I was a very small child, on my behind. But, I mean, I can't believe it's still... I find it creepy. I'd put some on Ethan. Yeah? Like there's still children around. Yeah.

Okay. Absolute Radio. We've had an email in, Frank. This was actually sent in during the week. I like those ones. It's incredible that people would actually sit down and write one during the week when we're not even generating.

Exactly. Very loyal, these people. Mary Antoinette Lesley. Very loyal, my people. This is from Mariel from Shanghai. Oh, she sounds glamorous. I like her. She does.

Mariel from Shanghai. Brilliant. Hi, Franken team. It is a strip club in Oldham, but carry on. She's training for the London Marathon on the 24th of April. She's going to be flying back, especially to run, for the first time ever with her little sister. If she can fly, why is she running? That's amazing.

Oh, she might not even make it. There's grits in the air. Oh, the volcanic ash. Anyway, carry on. She says, we're going as the Chalk and Cheese sisters. This is because Beth is like Emily. Oh. Obsessed with fashion as the chalk and cheese sisters. This is because Beth is like Emily. Oh. Obsessed with fashion, looking beautiful and spending money.

Oh, yeah, I like the sound of her. She is cheese and I'm more like Gareth. Just plain sensible. Chalk. Gareth is plain sensible. Yeah, chalk. Why are they saying Emily's like cheese? Sort of mature and pungent. Oh, I'm happy to be described that way.

She's got that kind of white... Frank, be very careful, Frank. ...flammy skin about it. Frank. You know what I mean? Frank, be careful. Okay, sorry. That was me being careful.

I'll tell you what I haven't done this morning. Go on. If I can just get my mouse working. Come on, you idle little git. Get your mouse sorted. That's the morning! I forgot to do that. People don't often describe me as sensible.

No. Don't they? It's quite nice. This week, my mum likes a bargain. Right. Oh, dear. And likes going to charity shops, second-hand things. This week, she went to an all-new level with that. She said... Presumably. This week she went to an all-new level with that.

Right. Well, presumably she didn't go to an all-new level. She went to a second-hand level. Yeah, no. New to her. Yeah. OK. She said, oh, she phoned up Laura,

very excited that she'd got something for Ethan. She had gone out at lunchtime. It was Gareth's baby, any new listeners. Oh, yeah. She'd gone out at lunchtime. Ethan is Garrett's baby. Any new listeners? Oh, yeah. She'd gone out on her bike in her lunch break and in a skip outside a hotel, she'd found a chair for Ethan. Lovely, from a skip.

Marvellous. That's a nice present for a child. A chair. There's an old computer monitor in there. And some asbestos. It'd be an office chair, wouldn't it? They're always in those skis. Always an office chair. What's'd be an office chair, wouldn't it? They're always in those. Always an office chair. What's the nature of the chair?

She took it home on a bike as well. She's on a bike so this is, well, it's like a little chair that's painted like a giraffe. It's painted orange and has a giraffe face on it. But it's got terrible cracks down the back. It's cracked. Yeah. And it, people have thrown it away because they thought,

oh, we don't want that near kids. Look, it's cracked and's cracked and looks terrible yeah she's brought it home for ethan so how have you handled this diplomatically because obviously it's you know they say it's the thought that counts it's a nice gesture isn't it no i don't think it is a nice gesture i see skin picking as uh as an act of great warmth my my mum knows that I don't like second-hand stuff and stuff like that, and she's got something from my skin. Tighter! Tighter! Exactly. I mean, to be fair to your mum, I would have thought that was quite...

I would have assumed that, I have to be honest. I'm looking at you today. I would have thought you were quite fond of a second-hand shop or Slash Skip. Well, thank you. When I first saw you, I thought, here's a man who likes a cracked giraffe chair. No, so I've refused to even be polite about it

and have just Oh, now that's, you see, you don't know how to feel it. It was an act of kindness. You could fight fire with fire and give her like seven house bricks

to have her skip your birthday. All her future birthday presents are going to come from skips. Well, I look forward to seeing what that is. It'll be a sampled book. That's the sort of thing you always get in there. Those samples books that people have.

Absolute Radio. You know, we were talking about gadgets that could improve your life. Gadgets in the home. What about a toilet that came to you by calling it like a dog? I'm liking the sound of that. What about a toilet that came to you by calling it like a dog? I'm liking the sound of that. What do you think of that? My suggestion is just use your dog

as a toilet. Perfect. Problem solved. You could get, you know, if it doesn't have any suitable hollows in it, you could just strap a kind of a, one of those bedpan things to its back like a saddle. A poodle would be quite

absorbent it'd be a good name as well for a toilet that's true yeah um morning guys this is my idea for home improvement comes from something i've done by mistake a few times you know the button you push on your keys to unlock the car i sometimes do that as i approach the house trying to unlock the front door oh drunk i'll be bound but i think this might be a good idea especially if you rig the house with some big yellow indicators to flash so you let it you let you know if it's locked or unlocked i like that i quite like that i don't like that the yellow indicators that sounds very new very i think that's clever i mean that'd be brilliant wouldn't it yeah you could have like you could have an alarm on the house as well so to stop

people from from breaking in. Write that down. Oh, that's an original idea, an alarm on the house. That could really catch on, that house alarm thing. And Elaine says, Frank and the team, I have a Corby trouser press. It's great in the winter to warm them up before going out in the cold. Oh, so not really for any sort of aesthetic reason but that that's different you could put warming up the trousers you could put pants and stuff in there put them in when you get to bed at

night be like a bit of toast when you got up in the morning sometimes just put up last and with the hair dryer i'll do that well i sleep in my pants and i find that often like a bit of toast in the morning sort of flaky. Anyway. Bang. Well, that's splendid news. And Evie Gardner in Southern... Is this Ed's sister? Oh, maybe it is. Has suggested a huge body dryer, like the ones in Centre Parcs. I haven't been to Centre Parcs, but I like the sound of a huge body dryer.

He sounds awesome. A huge body dryer? Is that like a hand dryer? Yeah. Yeah. Like a massive Dyson. You'd come out the shower and go into no i don't like the sound of that i like toweling that's one of my favorite things oh do you yeah oh god every little nook and cranny okay well my favorite story of the week was um marie lewis was a bit of it. The headline is she's kind of tragic.

It's the kind of headline I think we all dream of in the entertainment industry. She has been jailed for eight months for stalking a Freddie Mercury impersonator. Oh my god! It says that

she became abusive because she became jealous of the 45-year-old rocker's glamorous lifestyle. Oh, well, she's got slightly mixed up there, hasn't she? Yeah. I'll tell you what I like about her. A lot of people, a lot of stalkers, when Freddie Mercury died, they would have crossed him off the list.

What I like about her, she's learned to make doing men. She's sort of, she's stalking him by proxy. I like the glamorous life of the impersonator from Five. Well, he does. He's performed 3,000 times as Freddie Mercury, and she approached him once as he was turning on a town's Christmas lights. So he gets around.

She's not a woman who's thought this through, is she? I think if you're going to approach your victim, try and get him when he's on his own in an alley, not when he's turning on the Christmas lights. Yeah, exactly. Perhaps it was dark just before. She thought, this is a good time. Whoa! And suddenly there's like

big reindeer and stuff lit up above the pool. I feel he should be stalked by a sort of a stalker-like, someone who isn't really a stalker, but is like dressed up like one. Then we could have a whole secondary world. A stalker tribute act. Yeah, exactly. That would be marvellous. There's a famous stalker.

I can't think of a famous stalker other than John Stalker, the former head of the Met. But stalker other than John Stalker, the former head of the Met. But if you dressed as John Stalker, oh, it's all getting far too complicated. Can I just say, I'm trying to concentrate, but I'm just being drowned out by the sound of flirtatious laughter. Stephen Mangan has arrived, and so has

Rhys Thomas. And Daisy, who works on the show, is out there having a whale of a time with them. She's working her magic. Oh, exactly. She is such a minx. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. It's nice, that. I love that song.

I love They Might Be Giants. I like the idea of a birdhouse in my soul. It's just, where is the tray going to be that you have to pull out with all the lime, the bird lime? I made a birdhouse at school. It had mesh. That's what we call a Gareth dote. It's a Gareth anecdote. I'm all just as defined by Frank, a Gareth dote.

Well, I think a Gareth dote, it's a bit like when you're in a building, an old building, and you open a door and you realise that it's just, even though you're on the fourth floor, it's just the outdoors and you're left there just gazing, thinking, oh, I thought there'd be a room here and interesting things to look at. But no, it's just space and a hint of danger. Well, that had an ending. It had mesh. It had mesh. Okay, let's not...

It's a payoff of sorts. Let's not reiterate. We've got an email. Frank, we've got an email. Frank, at the end of the trailer for your new TV show... Can I just interrupt so this is frank skinner's opinionated i know don't no i would like to say i loved your show last night i

know you get angry when i say anything and i praise you but i loved it and i have to say that thank you but i think people who are on the radio talking about their tv shows make it sound like oh but let me reassure you i have proper work yeah but you're not talking about it i I am. Okay. Just accept the compliment gracefully. Continue, Gary. The way I see it is I've got the radio show and when I've got a spare time, I do a bit of telly.

Yeah, I like that attitude. Let's get our priorities right here. This is our little home, isn't it? Yeah. Not in the bright lights where people are putting makeup on your face and giving you a lot more money. Who needs that? Oh, I love the sound of that.

Oh, God, I've spoilt the whole thing there. Emily's going to go into TV. Frank, at the end of the trailer for your new TV show... Oh, new TV show this, new TV show that. Why do you move your tie to the left? Oh. Were you trying to predict where they'd place the two template? That's because it's on BBC Two and they have the big cut-out 2.

I was deliberately pointing at it. Do you remember that quiz game with the robot that used to point to the correct answers? No, you don't. What was it called? Countdown? That's a rude way to talk about Caroline. It was a board game. It was a robot. It used to point with a metal rod and it was all magnetic. It was absolutely fantastic.

It was better in many ways than Penicillin. Probably that robot got out of control and killed some children. That's probably why it's not available anymore. Yeah, it was only about four inches high. Anyway, what happens is that I've developed in recent months a bit of a belly. That's not true. It's true. Really?

I can show it to you if you like. Oh, no. Uh-oh. Oh, Frank, don't get a belly out. No, Frank! Frank! Oh, my God. So I find that when I...

Octomom. No, I've taken to where... Yeah. Watch out. I've already it away. Yeah. I've already squirted a bit of ink this morning. So I find that when I have a tie on and I sit down, it's as if the tie is atop a small hill. If it goes one way or the other,

once it goes more than two inches left or right of my navel, it falls down the slope. So that's what happens on the end of the thing. It's become a real problem. Somebody put a tie pin on it, but that was just like... What do you mean, somebody? The tie pin person? Do you employ someone to do that? There's a wardrobe lady. But as the belly gets higher, the tie is more precariously placed.

I did see an advert for a thing called a myrtle. What's that? It's a man girdle. And it's not like, there's no buckles or anything of that nature. It's much more subtly. It just grips. It just grips. It takes the stomach in a vice-like grip. Liz Thomas and Stephen

Mangan are with us. They're already my favourites and they haven't even been here like two minutes. I love them. You're just basing it on physical things, aren't you? Yeah, maybe. I hate that you're so superficial. So, good day to you. Hello. Good morning. I'm glad you got in okay. Just about. What was the problem? Well, I just

knocked on the door downstairs and the very nice security man said yes. I said, oh, hello. I'm here to do the Frank Skinner show. You want to watch the Frank Skinner show? I'm afraid you're about eight years too late. I'm on the Frank Skinner. You're on it.

I mean, I'm appearing on it. Oh, I see, you brought me up. Then you knocked on your window and said, someone's here through the glass. Did you see that? I didn't even... Pointing at me. He didn't even knock that well.

I didn't hear him. Well, it's soundproof glass, luckily. He just banged on the glass saying, someone's... Someone is here. Is that soundproof glass? He just said a guest, couldn't he? Someone.

Perhaps he's... I think his hands are still slightly gelatine-formed. So he just... When he knocked on the window, he kind of went... Well, of course he'll be listening downstairs now. He'll just be sharpening his axe. Oh, well, I'm sorry about that, but I'm glad you made it. I'm here now, that's all that matters.

I feel like we're about to record an album, there's so many of us. Yeah, it's brilliant, isn't it? It's like you're the drummer and we're the backing vocals or something. It's like a big charity single. We're like S Club 7, really. S Club 5. We were just talking about this woman who's stalking a Freddie Mercury lookalike, which is about as low rent as you can get in the

stalking she's stalker look-alike we've been through all this sorry but it turns out that we have someone with proper queen connections yes am i right rhys uh yes i work with queen well what's left of them and uh i produced their dvd i'm a i'm a big fan right my dream came true i wrote this sitcom and we asked Brian May to do the theme tune for it and he said, yes, we couldn't believe it. And then we said, who makes your DVDs for you? He said, oh, no one at the moment. And I said, well, we will. And me and my friend

produced five of them. And we went on tour with them and all that kind of stuff. It's like a childhood fantasy coming true. You dreamt of producing Queen DVDs as a child? Well, I kind of dreamt... Yeah, I did. Well, I of producing Queen DVDs as a child well I kind of dreamed yeah I did no well I didn't know DVDs would exist I dreamt about DVDs first and then they came true I didn't dream about and then I dreamt about HD DVD which didn't take off so that was a nightmare okay

blu-ray has come on no I I can't In terms of any stuff that hasn't happened yet, we can tick off each week. I can't tell you these things because it's too serious. Frank, you could do that with The Fall. Frank likes Marky Smith and The Fall. Do you like The Fall? No. Well, I can stalk a Marky Smith tribute. I don't know if that is such a person.

I don't know if there are many of those around. I don't think there are. There must be loads of Queen ones. I've seen a Queen. There's a Queen band called Queen, K-W-E-N, they're Japanese, and there's a tiny little Freddie Mercury, he's about four foot tall. He does all the AOs and everything, but in a slight Japanese accent. He's a sort of travel Freddie Mercury.

He is. Just throw him into a hole door. You can look him up on YouTube. See the roadies just carrying me in a flight case. Where's the Freddie?die for all the others of all chinese you know big haircuts and things it's quite they are it's worth looking at if you're bored you know i do it quite a lot anyway we should say you youtube just made a new movie we have called beyond the pole so i watched last night and i loved it oh great that's good

oh she's coming full of it this morning it's's true, I do. She's become ecologically aware and all sorts of things. No, but it's funny. It's not like... Yeah, it's not a message movie. No, because message movies aren't good. It's a comedy about two lunatics who walk to the North Pole. Can I just say that? That's a good message movies aren't good, Stephen Mangan.

That's a nice thing to read up on. You didn't like Malcolm X? No. No, there weren't many jokes in Malcolm X. Rubbish. Weak. No, I thought... Malcolm X, just the title's quite negative.

It looked like it was called Malcolm and somebody didn't like it. Is it true that someone said it was called Malcolm... Someone thought it was called Malcolm X? That's a genuine... An American, I bet. That's true. And what was another film they had to take out? Madden's of George III.

That's right, yeah. They had to rename in America because they thought no take out. Madden, St. George III. That's right, yeah. They had to rename in America because they thought no one would have seen Madden, St. George I and St. George III. Well, I had the same problem with Mange 2. Someone asked me if I wanted Mange 2 and I said I didn't really like Mange 1. I'm not going to mess around with the sequel.

They look to me in a strange, blank way, as many of you are. But, you know, in my life, you have to just go for blanket bombing when it comes to comedy. You'll kill some, but you'll miss others. Radio. Read my mind,

killers. Shut up! And Rhys Thomas and Stephen Bang are with us. They've just made a film called Beyond the Pole, which they're now going to explain to us. Right, it's two lunatics who walk to the North Pole. That'll do it. That's it. Okay. Unsupported, no help.

Did you film in a big studio in Elstree with lots of artificial snow and all that kind of... Sadly not. We filmed in Greenland in a place... What's it called? Tobin. Tobin Sound. Right. We basically flew to Iceland, fog-free. We flew then to Greenland in a little plane,

and we landed on an airstrip in the middle of nowhere, white to snow for miles around. Brilliant. We were on a motorised skidoo for four hours, was it? Yeah. Oh, I've been on a skidoo. Across the sea. It is great, though, isn't it?

Amazing. But we weren't sitting on the skidoo. We were in a cardboard box being pulled behind it. Yeah. There was quite a bumpy moment. No padding on the seats it sounds like a taunting of the homeless taunt

we went out when we went there we were all excited and then we came back basically broken do you remember and I'd got quite drunk the night before

and I had so much red wine and I was so sick that the production manager came in and thought I'd died it looked like I'd been murdered by an Eskimo but I hadn't

like when you see a baby seal on the ice. And then I had to be bounced all the way home. It was, and we had to, we were stuck there, weren't we? For an extra night. Yeah, the snow came in. The terrible thing was, is that the production company shot 12 Eskimos as a warning. As a warning.

Before they realised. Yeah, like the Nazis used to do. They weren't actually, I must say they weren't Eskimos. They were Inuit. Inuit. So where did you guys stay then? Is there a Hilton? They were converted sea containers.

You must have been to the Inuit Hilton. That's great. The Inuit Inn. It was the holiday Inuit. Sea containers. Sea containers. So for the holiday Inuit. He's on fire this morning. Tell us about the sea. Sorry.

The premier. I'm stuck on we were. But I'll get through it. We were driven to set every day by huskies. Huskies. They drove. And they break wind.

Can they reach the pedals? No. You are nose level with their anuses, you see. Yeah. And they do... They're very tall out there, aren't they? No, because you're sitting down on these things. You're making this trip sound really...

You're really selling this greenery trip. But the other thing is, we also... We couldn't... In terms of toilets, you know, you think about toilets, how lucky we are, we just flush our chains. We shared a house together and two other girls. Where's this going? And we'd have, you'd have a toilet seat with basically a bucket underneath and a bin liner in it. And we'd just look and go, hang on, is that it?

And you could see what the person had done before you. And you'd also be aware that they could see what you did. You're also magnificent, by the way. Thank you very much. I don't know what I told you at the time. But there was one girl there, she didn't go for two weeks. And you'd also be aware that they could see what you did. Yours were magnificent, by the way. Thank you very much. I don't know, I told you at the time. But there was one girl there, she didn't go for two weeks. What, the ladies had to share it with the gentlemen? You can't not go for two weeks.

She did go, she did go, and I pretended they were mine. Oh. We struck a deal. Well, I don't think anything could be more lovely than that. Did you share it with the huskies as well? That's like Sir Walter Raleigh laying down his cloak for Elizabeth I. In some ways. So, yeah.

So that was it. It was mad. We had a guy behind us with a rifle in case we were attacked by polar bears at all times. Really? Are you allowed to shoot polar bears? Well, that comes into the film, actually. I thought they were very rare. You're allowed to.

Oh, I didn't know that. Also, we had these guides, these Arctic guides, and they said the other problem is walruses will pop out of the ice. They're quite dangerous, actually. How they kill you is they dig their tusks into your stomach and suck your guts out. Oh, they look so nice. They can suck through their tusks. They use their tusks and then suck their mouths.

Oh, OK. I think someone's been having you on. No, it's true. And you'd see them in front of me. A seal on its hind legs is about 20 foot tall. Hind legs? They have fun with the actors. Were you very near to that?

Hind legs is 20 foot tall. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. If you're wondering why everyone is giggling, I think it was Emily's just said something funny. What did I say? I don't know. She's going to say something funny.

Can you wait until I've got the mic up? Did you remember where you'd met Rhys? Yeah, no, Rhys just said he recognised me. That was all. You're not one of our webcam people. Rather slimy webcam people that we sometimes send in. Yeah, we do get people. Tell Emily to point the webcam at us.

Sometimes we get it. The camera's not pointing at Emily. What's going on this week? Is that a webcam here or is that security? That's my webcam. Oh, right, so people can watch it as well? Yeah. Well, yeah, but about four people.

All right. Who's going to watch a radio show on the webcam? Yeah. I don't know. No, I did wave Well, yeah, but about four people. All right. You're just going to watch a radio show on the web. Yeah. No, I did wave to someone today, so it certainly exists. I feel that we need to get some of the knots and bolts of this film. If people want to see it, what do they do? Well, if you log on to beyondthepoll.com, there's a load of information on there.

There's a trailer on there. Basically, the film is touring the country like a band would tour a country. Oh, so it's not just going to be you can go and sit in your local cinema. No, it hasn't worked like that because it's quite a low-budget film. It hasn't... You know, it's not like we've got

loads and loads of cinemas and all that kind of thing. We're kind of touring and gradually we're getting more and more fans. We've got about 5,000 fans on Facebook now. That's a good idea. It's a good idea. You know, we haven't got any distribution at all.

It's all David Earl Williams, the director, and Helen Baxendale, the producer. They're basically just doing everything themselves in a good way. In the films about that as well, people are doing it themselves. And it's doing very well, considering, actually. It's just two people pushing it. I might

make it sound like it's two men on a plane. I like it's two people pushing it. It sounds like it's on a big trailer. Yeah. Sho like it's two people pushing it no it's not a big trailer yeah shoved around the country no because what happened people are actually going to cinemas and saying can you get this film and then the the cinemas are getting the film in and showing it and it stars a guy called alexander stars guard doesn't it he's very famous now in he's in a series called true blood plays a very big in america this film's done very well in america actually it's won the phoenix film festival and and a few other things they seem to like it so we

can call it an award-winning it's an award is one about three awards and recently one of the top ten people in Great Britain or something yeah the right here one of the top ten yeah I'm number three it means nothing that means the radio times the list of all the people they thought would be big this year and they said that I was one of them. Oh, that's brilliant. Along with Barbara Windsor and Chris Evans and Matt Smith. Barbara Windsor could be big this year.

Yeah, because she's leaving EastEnders. It's about time. It's the faces to watch. Yeah. So I'm a big face. And what number was I then? You weren't there, I don't think. I speak to you as a man who was number 45 in the nation's top stand-up.

Oh, he's brought it up, I can't bear it. 45? I mean, I have never been so excited! Yes, I've been like Iceland this week. I've been bobbling under with the sieging rage. I was quite relieved because I could go to bed early. You're like me. Me too. I hope you weren't beaten by Joe Pasquale.

No, no, I was... I carried him in my arms in the poll. He was number 94 or something. He was there. Because he nicks everyone else's material. I don't think he nicks everyone else's material. Just yours?

No, he nicks a lot of... He only nicks good people. I take it as a bum-flattered. It's like someone covering a band. It's like a band covering a song, isn't it? It's like the Freddie Mercury. I love it how you're flattered by that. Oh no, he only takes good people's material. Yeah, that's great. I like it. There was a guy

called Gordon Astley. Do you remember him? He presented the last ever series of Tiswas and I met him. He did a mainstream comic act and he said, oh, it's great to meet you, and I met him. He did a mainstream comic act. He said, oh, it's great to meet you, Frank. He says, your stuff always goes really well. I just... It was so sweet. So what else have you guys got?

Aren't you doing an American series? I am. I'm doing a series with Matt LeBlanc. Goodness. Oh, from Friends. So we start filming in about a week, and it's set in... You know Matt Le leblanc don't you uh gareth is he what no i'm not sure is he a relative of raymond raymond raymond blanc that's the only celebrity garris ever met is raymond i've met him once in the maison

that's very exciting yeah it should be good it's about two British writers who have a massive hit over here is it called Three Lions no it's not a big hit

with a sort of history boys type you know set in a very posh boarding school with an elderly headmaster as a star and it gets bought

by the Americans and they make us cast Matt LeBlanc as the headmaster right so yeah we're filming here and over there.

Brilliant. What's next for you, Rhys? Can I just say we've had a text in, Frank, asking about Rhys. OK. Can you ask Rhys if another series of Bellamy's People is on the cards? We're going to find out very soon. It's only just finished, so they have to make their minds up and decide. We've actually filmed enough for a second series. We've filmed so much material that we've basically got a second series already filmed.

But that material must be slightly worse than the first. No, it's actually better. It actually is better than. It's better than. Genuinely is better than. I must say, I love Bellamy's paper. You know that people who say, look at this marvellous flower.

It's been growing. No, not David Bellamy. No, no. I'm a terrible fool myself. Well, look, it's been... So go and see Beyond the Pole. Yes. It's on tour.

It's touring Britain at the moment. And it's very funny. And thank you so much for coming in because we love you. You've now got into Friends of the Show. Oh, that's good. Come back and talk about other things. And I didn't mention the sport relief mile run

because Stephen beat me by quite a long way. Did he? You did, you smarmy. Oh, he's very live. Mr. Smarmy. No, but thank you so much. Thank you so much. Absolute Radio.

Time of your life, Green Day. I wanted to say Green Ray, because apparently if you sit with a girlfriend or boyfriend, wherever you go, and you watch the sun go down, if you are destined to be together forever, just as the sun disappears onto the horizon, the very last thing, you see a green ray. And if you see green, then that means you'll be together forever. If I see green dollars, I'll be together with them forever. That's what I say.

We all know that. Hey, listen, Kerry says, you know you played The Fall earlier? Of course you do. My four-year-old Ollie is clearly a Fall fan. We're in the car, and he's been quietly watching a DVD for the last half hour,

and he's just shouted, turn this up, make it more rocky. And he's playing his plastic sword as a guitar. I'm liking the sound of that. Love it. I wish he'd have gone, turn it up, make it more rocky. Also, Gary from Dunleer in Ireland has asked which Fall album you should start with,

because he's researching the 724 Fall albums. That's a little bit of an exaggeration, but there's a lot. Well, it depends whether you're the kind of person who wants the greatest hits or you want an actual slice of life. You know the way a studio album is then at a set time. If you want the greatest hits, there's a thing called 50,004 Fans Can't Be Wrong, which is absolutely marvellous. And if you want an album,

I would probably say Hex Induction Hour. Oh, yeah, that's one of my faves. You get facts as well as funnies on this show. I say facts as well as funnies. Go on, Bill. Now, Frank and Gareth, can I tell you about my little backhanded compliment from a child this week? Do you like the sound of that anecdote?

A child in question was David Baddiel's son, Ezra. Oh, he's a sweet lad. Oh, he's lovely. Do you know David? David Baddiel's a friend of mine and Frank's. No, I'm not allowed near David Baddiel. Okay. He's not. He has no cooking skills. He's not... He has no cooking skills.

He's not. He doesn't come from Throne. So, anyway, I saw David and I saw Ezra, which was always a treat, cos I adore Ezra, and he's a bit of a prodigy as well. Yeah, he's got those, like, horn head things. He hasn't, he's just very clever. Lots of make-up. Fire starter. Piercing.

So he came to kiss me goodnight, and he had a little... Kiss me goodnight and he had he had a kiss me goodnight sergeant major tuck me in my little wooden bed and he had a little goodie bag with him he'd been at chelsea david and so he had a goodie bag strange goodie bag i said goodie bags at chelsea what kind of a football ground is that i said what did you get he said i got this camera a camera what else are they going to give him some hewlettlett-Packard printer? What do they get at West Brom? Dysentery.

Bad haircuts is what you get at West Brom. Not you, Frank. No, no, not me. Anyway, so Ezzy got the camera out and he said, oh, I'll take a picture. There wasn't any film in it. He didn't want to waste the film. No, that would be ridiculous. Yeah, that's what photographers do when they're ugly models. If a bad model turns up, they pretend to take the picture and don't have film in it. He didn't want to waste the film. No, that would be ridiculous. That's what photographers do when they're ugly models.

If a bad model turns up, they pretend to take the picture and don't have film in it. Anyway, so Ezzy went to take the picture and then as he looked through the lens, he went, you look so much younger through this. Oh, Ezzy! Did you say, give me that camera!

I want it for my own! Dave had to actually drag her off it. I wrestled him to the ground. He was going blue in the fire. I couldn't have dared to watch. I was going to hit the Triffids music then, but the time is of the essence. Absolute Radio.

Ben Jones will be along after this show. He's already here. He's already arrived. Big Ben. Lumberjack-like in a Czech shirt. A little bit serial killer today. He's just come in from the Yukon. Yeah, American serial killer.

Yeah. No, not serial killer, actually. A man who goes mental in garage and shoots eight people and then turns the gun on himself. That kind of. Serial killer, they're a seedier type, generally. I know what you mean. Ben looks like he's been lovely for years.

You know when the neighbours will say, he's such a quiet bloke. I never thought for a second he'd do anything like this. That kind of post-incident interview you get. Anyway, we like him. So, he's got the baseball cap. He lives in the baseball cap. What were you saying about West Bromwich Albion?

There's no top to Ben's head. That's what I've heard. It's just like a flagon. So, yeah, West Bromwich Albion. I once looked at a website, the Everton website, when we were about to play them, and they said on there, you can tell West Bromwich Albion fans

because they all look about 52, even the children. I have never been. Did we ever get to the bottom of the gadget, the home improvement gadget? Well, Carl in Southend says, hi, I'm a firefighter, and like all the others, I have a second job. Hi, Carl. As a carpenter, I build laundry chutes and indoor play areas in homes, which include slides. Hi, Carl. So whatever you want done, Carl can do it.

Laundry shoots. See, it's all out there. I'm thinking I might... Everyone needs a shoot. Did you know firefighters have second jobs? Yeah, they all do. I didn't know that. I know a firefighter who does bits for me.

Yeah, you do. Yeah. I know a gay man, it's a true story it was so obsessed by firemen in a sort of saucy way a gay man he actually he actually bought a house opposite a fire station just so you know he just liked seeing them hanging around that's a great idea i'm not sure the heterosexuals have that kind of focused dedication i think they're a bit more casual with their fancies. Oh, yeah. I like a specialist. I have got a London Fire Brigade t-shirt, though,

but that's another story. Yeah, that was just left at your flat accidentally. Speaking of specialists, do you know that Bluebird, Bluebeard, the serial killer, when he was questioned in court, this is what I call a specialist, they said to him, do you know how many women you killed?

And he said, no, I don't know how many women I killed. I'm a murderer, not a mathematician. I love it. I love it when they get stroppy. Fantastic. Anyway, good day to you. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.