The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: The Lightning Seeds

Episode Date: July 18, 2009

Frank, Emily & Gareth discuss chat up lines, the fourth plinth and their hair dreams. They are also joined in the studio by Ian Broudie aka 'The Lightning Seeds'

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. It's the Frank Skinner podcast, Absolute Radio thing. And I'm here, I am Frank Skinner. And yes, and I am. And I'm with Emily and Gareth.

Hello. Hello. And what we do, we do the show, and then we go into another studio and do an intro to the show, which always seems a bit cart before the horse to me, but that's what we do cart after the horse horse after the cart which should have been before moving on don't get bogged down in all that cart before the horse is the wrong way around isn't it i mean deliberately the wrong way around

it's making a point that we do things the wrong way around look i've been doing things the wrong way around for years i know what business is it of yours? Anyway, this is the podcast, and we had Ian Brodie on the show. Ian Brodie. Yeah. That was amazing. Yeah, you were like a poppy gazing up at him in awe. Gareth's really worried, though, because he wants to get his glasses,

and he's worried that he'll see him again, and he'll know that he's copied him. You want to get his glasses? Not literally his glasses. No, I need some new glasses and I thought his were amazing but then I thought what if I bumped into him somewhere. That would worry me. Oh, you've got the same

glasses as me now. Yeah, that would worry me. Say if I met someone and they'd got the same teeth as me. I mean, I do meet people who have the same teeth as me but I don't always have spare change. But I would be worried if someone had copied my glasses after one chance meeting on a radio thing. Yeah.

But, you know, you might never meet him again. Yeah, it's quite possible that. It all swells, isn't it? Yeah, and if you do meet him, you can just take your glasses off, put them in your pocket, and address him as... You know, you like blur. You're a blur fan. The world would be a blur. Do you receive my meaning?

Oh, let's do the podcast. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and Gareth. Hello. Good morning. I can't think of any other information that I have to give by way of certainty.

So, good morning to you all, dear listeners. And it's a bit of a sad week, obviously. Fern Britain's left this morning. Oh, yeah. Did you watch it? I didn't. I didn't go so far as to do that. You weren't that sad, then. No. No. Did you watch it? I didn't. I didn't go so far as to do that. You weren't that sad then. No.

No, did you watch it? Yeah, hell yeah. What a surprise! Were you moved? I sky-blast it. Do you know, I did cry. Only when I saw Philip Schofield cry, because he never shows any emotion. No. But it was a weird old thing. Are you suggesting that Philip Schofield is

some sort of a goddamn droid? Philip Schofield's a goddamn droid! Yeah. Are you suggesting that? No, I wouldn't possibly suggest that. I've seen him working with animatronic things. Really? Yeah, I saw him in Doctor Dolittle at the Hammersmith Apollo.

Oh, I saw him in Joseph. And Gordon the Gopher, who used to work with Gordon the Gopher. That wasn't animatronic, but... No, that wasn't animatronic. I think there was a man in there. Yeah. No, I thought there was a man in there. It was a tiny bluff.

I don't even bear thinking about it. Anyway, Fern left. So, obviously, the whole thing... I mean, there were lots of tears. Chris Biggins was there. Obviously, Biggins was in the studio. Because he's worked as a stunt double for many years. Frank?

She did look quite upset though because all the vt packages the clips they showed was from the day's pre-weight loss so you saw her little face sort of curling up with horror every time they showed oh yeah i've seen her little face curl up with horror over quite a period of time that's a terrible poor fur so she kind of left in installments really you know you were on it i was on it yeah because they showed touching messages from all sorts of people like lionel richie saying fern you've been great i don't remember leaving a touching message you didn't leave a message but they showed a clip of you and david baddiel and it was you philip schofield saying let's go over to Michael Ball, and you saying, isn't Michael Ball on the show every day?

In quite a staving way. And that was my move into Britain. Ah. Well, I'm sorry, Fern, if you're listening. If they'd have asked me to make a nice message... Oh, OK. ..I would have made a nice message. Would I? Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, it's sad to see Fern go. Yes, and did they have some sort of celebratory... What they should have had, of course, is normally one would have a brass band. They should have had a gastric band. Actually, people who play music with their behinds, I imagine, is what a gastric band is. Did they have a cake?

Did they have a cake? I guess they avoided a cake. No, they had Michael Ball singing Life is a Cabaret. A cake jumped into fern it's a sort of old mix on the both of you stop it well it's all right now to do to do those jokes because she isn't anymore we're just talking about her former self okay she probably does jokes about i bet she probably hates fat people now i bet she really lies into fat people i'm choir. That's what happens, isn't it, with the ex-fats? Is it like smokers? She's an ex-fat.

I don't mean that she lives in Singapore. I mean, she used to be big. Anyway, we shouldn't feel... I think she seems a nice lady, and she's going on to lots of... I was once in Fern's dressing room. She wasn't in there. Well, she couldn't be. No, I turned up, and there's a lot of people on,

and so they'd run out of dress rooms, and they put me in Fern's dress rooms. I'm not kidding you. There was a hundred pairs of shoes in there. Really? Absolutely. Some horseshoes. I didn't understand it.

Absolute. Radio. I'm Frank Skinner. Still. You have to say every link, apparently, if you're a proper radio person. I'm still Frank Skinner, and we're still on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth.

And I'll tell you something. It's slightly off-putting today, because we have windows on the studio, and there's a man cleaning the windows. Didn't they clean windows this early? And, oh, he's going down. He's going down his rope now. But it's kind of, I thought it was somebody from Capital Radio coming to see what he was up to. He's sort of abseiling, isn't he, down the side of the building?

Yes, abseiling radio, that's what he's doing. So, speaking of absolute, I realise what a company man I've become the other night, because I've been absolute, now, what, four months? Yeah. I went to see Placebo at the Roundhouse in Camden Town, North London, which, as you may know, is a large conurbation in the south-east of England. And this guy, actually, I know his girlfriend,

and so she came over and the boyfriend was there. And he said, someone mentioned the radio show. And he said, oh, what's it on? And I said, it's on Absolute and he said oh that's like smooth FM isn't it and I said no I said it's like a rock stage

he said it's got slightly more edge and I thought then someone else spotted in and started talking but I couldn't I went away but I could feel it rising up in me he was talking to someone and I said don't get talking to him in and started talking but I couldn't I went away but I could feel it I feel it rising so I went I went back he was talking to someone and I said don't get talking to him we don't know what he's

talking about and he was one he was quite a young guy but he had one of those you know when people wear a a young men now they wear a bag a shoulder bag but the strap is on one shoulder but the bag goes it goes right across oh yeah like a record bag yeah so they wear it right across their chest kind of thing which to me is the sign of the devil yeah it's like people who are too cool for school so i pointed that out when you say you pointed it out frank i bet you didn't do it in a really reasonable night so he'd angered me i won't have absolute radio spoken of it i mean if there's anyone from Smooth FM listening, I mean, I don't mean for one second.

Actually, probably for one... Actually, I don't... I mean, he's rubbish. But Absolute Radio, I think he's great. They'll probably find the same comedy answer when I'm at the Mediterranean. Anyway, I got genuinely angry. So you picked on him for his bag? I didn't pick on him. He picked on all of us. He picked on everyone for his bag i didn't pick on him he picked on he picked on all of us he picked

on everyone who's listening as well it was since the sounds of absolute listeners you were you were i'll get a number i'll i'll give it out later you see someone walking down the street with their back over their shoulder like that not over the shoulder right across their body over their head. They're saying, oh, I'm so cool. Look at me, Mr. Cool. Mr. Cool, they're saying. Although, Frank, whilst we're on the subject of bags, may I raise the subject of your bag? Would you like to tell the listeners what bag you're currently sporting? Well, I'm carrying a small black bag.

It's not a bag, it's a sack it looks like you're it looks like the fa cup draw you're carrying around it doesn't look like i'm constantly connected the fa control wherever i go leaving different numbered balls in locations and then there'll be a big national hunt maybe easter we'll see why do you carry it well i'll tell you what it's i i need a bag and i can't decide what a man of my age should carry i'm not prepared to go to man bag territory you know you see these guys with the little it's a bit rio ferdinand i know what you mean yeah exactly well footballers if you talk to footballers after a match they've always got their wash bag like a leather wash bag with them which i

but so this bag is actually i'll be straight with you it's uh it's a virgin airlines first class um bag but it doesn't say anything on it no well i've turned it inside out it says all right because i'll show you because it's got the frayed edge i always well i've seen that and i'm wondering why is it got a frayed edge on the outside no we don't all right it's the grunge you feel but But if you look, look, inside it says, it actually says Opa Klaas. I'm showing them now, obviously on radio. You'll have to take my word for this, dear listener. So, yeah, not wishing to be the kind of bloke who walks around with Opa Klaas written on his bag.

Yeah. You don't want to show that on the outside, but if anyone ever questions you, you can show them the inside of your bag. Yes, well, what I like about it, it's sinister about the black sack. There's an element of Albert Pierpoint, the former hangman. Or like a sort of medieval alchemist, it looks like. Medieval alchemist, yeah. What a great name for a racehorse. Absolute radio. Oh, God, let's play the jingle.

That's the morning. There you go, that's got that out the way. Is that still our only jingle? Well, we have got... But, you know, it's a bit Smooth FM. Actually, I discovered, I made a slightly disparaging remark about Smooth FM, which is unnecessary because it turns out that Emma, our producer, her husband works for Smooth FM and now I feel I've caused a bit of a rift.

Oh, now you've done it. A bit of a family rift. But obviously Smooth FM is for people who like that kind of music and God bless Michael Bublé and Elton John and all that. That's all right if you like that kind of thing. Some people like heroin. Actually, I am condemning that. If anyone's listening, don't do that.

Don't do that or Michael Bub buble to be honest but if you got to do one do michael buble that's what i always say so i went i've been having a look at the plinth this week those of you don't know um there's a plinth in the corner of uh of uh nelson in the middle of it and uh someone gets to go on it for an hour every hour for the next... Well, anyway, it's 2,400 people get to go on it. It's 100 days, isn't it? It's 100 days, yeah. And there was a war, wasn't there, called that?

So they've nicked that idea. It's a 100 days war. Yeah, they've nicked that completely. It's quite a war theme. So, well, before the 4th plinth, it's quite a war theme in Trafalgar fourth plinth it's quite a war theme in trafalgar square isn't it it's kind of well it's it's nelson in the middle yeah and some other people in the middle i know yeah and uh and then it's uh george the fourth um who's one of oh you know your statues don't you and then it's i don't know the other two but i know they're both men

from the uh from the colonisation of India. They'll be war people. Well, they're not, they're colonisation people. OK. I mean, there's an element of oppressor about them, I suppose. Yes. Are they statues that sort of communicate, maybe we did some things wrong?

Well, yeah, but they're obviously celebrating. Anyway, on the fourth plinth, I go past there. I went past yesterday and there was a woman throwing roses off there to people. And I've seen a man saying, don't worry, be happy, I thought. So the idea is that people go up there and do whatever they want for how long is it? It's an hour.

Well, this is it, you see. I think it's people go on there and they find out how long an hour can be. That's what people do. And as anyone who's ever done stand-up comedy knows, an hour can be an eternity, an absolute eternity. So people get up with their idea, which might be throwing paper planes or something with loving messages on. But I thought it'd be interesting to ask our listeners,

who I've now come to see as quite a bright, sharp, inventive lot, actually, which I like. I think we thinned out the early... Because we used to get in the first few weeks, you know, where's Whitesnake? We used to get things. They actually managed to text in that tone. And now I think we've thinned it out.

They've gone now. We've got down to the quintessence of what we want our listeners to be. You know, bright, sort of funny, interesting people. So I'd like to know what you'd like to see on the plinth. Not necessarily who, but what. What would you like to see for an hour? And what would you do? I'd quite like to know.

Can we ask them that? And can I say, there are legal... Well, let's not ask them too many things. I was slightly exaggerating the bright thing. The, yes, there's legal restraints i mean on the actual plane you're told you can't do anything that you couldn't do you know anywhere else in public and you have to be on your own so you can't uh you can't do anything that's a two or three hander i don't think i've watched the live feed which has become a bit like big brother in my life

because it's just on telly i'll watch the sea lions a couple of weeks ago and i might watch the lions tonight they don't utilize their time enough though lions no they're lazy i mean you know they have the meat and what else the people on the plinth you know what i'm talking about and there was a woman and she was going thanks so much for coming thank you well they haven't come to see you they just happen to be in trafalgar square but she just threw should they just throw things at people no it's uh it's one it should have been andy warhol got it right famous for 15 minutes 15 minutes would have been good enough four times as many people an hour is a very long time frank skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Now, some of you may have read in the newspapers that there was a bit of an incident at Deal or No Deal. And it just so happens that we have our Deal or No Deal correspondent with us. Yeah. Because Gareth... Oh, by the way, if you're going to text in, I forgot to say this. This is so unprofessional. 81215 is the text number to say what you'd like to see most on the plinth.

We've had one response so far that has just said me. I mean me, as in Frank. Oh, anyway. So, yeah, so Gareth does the warm-up for Deal or No Deal. So you were there when... Yes, I was there. So what happened exactly? Live, live, live.

Well, the guy got to the last couple of questions, the last decisions, Simon. And he got his wife down. Now they get their other half down to sit on the stool behind the chair to help them with it. Yeah, to help them just guess at random what's in the box. What's in the box. And it was all very stressful. And his wife, Angelaela hunched over and like on you know as it was all happening hunched over and um you know noel noticed something was wrong

everything had to be stopped and just because she hunched over she hunched over and was like kind of shaking i think she fainted she sort of fainted and had some sort of episode she had an episode she had an episode oh god what off not holby city another program that's why we had to stop okay yeah you can suddenly show it in the middle of deal or no can i just ask how much money was at stake it was it was quite a lot of money it was a five-figure sum. And it was quite... Five-figure sum? I've never read that in the paper. This is from the paper. I can't remember what amount of money it was. I was going to say no one would

remember. I think it was a five-figure sum. Was it a cool million? But it was quite a worrying moment. They had to bring a wheelchair on and just take her off because it seemed like she'd just collapsed. To be honest, I mean the hunch was warning yes yeah she didn't just go out and she folded and then so it was she was absolutely fine that's me i mean she died at least there's

plenty of boxes about no they're quite little boxes so you'd have to... If you were going to put a corpse in those boxes, you'd have to cut it up into quite a few different pieces. It's sort of a reverse of the old... Stop it. It's horrible. Yes, you're right. That'd be terrible. I dream of the day... Next week, corpse or no. I dream of the day when...

Corpse or money. Noel opens a box and pulls her head out. No, it was a terrible moment. And basically what happens, they wheeled her off. Everything stopped. Gareth, can you fill? I had to come on and follow her collapsing, which is not an easy thing to follow.

Well, the trouble is, I mean, we can laugh about it now, because we know she's all right. But for all you knew, it should have been. She was fine. But, yeah, there's not a lot that's funny. Did you make any jokes, tasteless jokes about her? Well, I started off making... Don't tell us what they were. Did you make any jokes, tasteless jokes about it? Well, I started off making, no, you can't make... Don't tell us what they were.

No, I didn't make tasteless jokes. You can't make, no, it's quite a fragile audience, deal or no deal, so you have to take care of them. What do you mean they're fragile? No, I mean... He's got the giggles now. There's a big brittle bone crowd coming. That's, oh, well, I bet you handled it very professionally. It was a big brittle bone crowd. Oh, well, I bet you handled it very professionally. It was a nightmare.

I started off doing jokes, but then I realised how inappropriate all my jokes are, and by the end we were playing I Spy and charades. Do you know that sounds like the story of my career? Absolute. Radio. These two are being slightly squabbly, actually. Gareth and Emily, about who reads the text messages.

He's been really annoying me. No, because... I'm sorry, Gareth, but you just went, you mean opening... Look, don't make me come round there and knock your heads together. Because they sit on the opposite side of the desk to me, I should say.

It's a bit like a job interview. Me on my own on one side and those two on the other. Those of you who consult the webcam... Why do you do that? That's good. It's good that you do that. We're asking for what you'd like to see on the plinth in the corner of Trafalgar Square.

And it's on, if you want to text us on 81215, we'll discover that. I have to say, Gareth, I don't really feel that was the inside story on what happened on Deal or No Deal. It was basically what was in the papers. A woman fainted. What happened after? Me, me, well she was

fine, but just me floundering was what happened behind the scenes. And how did the husband get on? Did he carry on and play? It was amazing actually because he was down to the last couple of boxes and he had the choice whether to swap or not and then

like it was opening the last box right so he did essentially it was an episode of two it was an episode of deal or no deal yes that was the amount of drug it was amazing and he won he won 35 grand oh god it's worth having the wife faint isn't he i imagine he would have sold it for that yeah actually noel could get in one of those boxes he's quite a short man they should start the show like that she'd come out on a spring he is an amazing makeup he's an amazing man you're gonna say he's an amazing man because you're the warmer man you want to keep that job am i right no yeah i'm sincerely in his cosmic he's cosmic ordered you to say that yeah do you have to warm Noel up as well?

Are you like the teasers in the horse stud? They don't let me near him. OK. That's just as well. Have we had any text messages? Emily, would you like to read? No, you do it. Oh, don't start that.

No, no, I'm sorry, Frank. He can do it. He's made such a fuss about it. Keith from Orpington. I want to see a person dressed as a giant pigeon on the plinth in Trafalgar Square. That would be alright. Actually, what you could have is a person dressed as

a giant pigeon with small Lord Nelsons sitting on them. I think so close to Parliament that would be a coup. Yes. If a Lord Nelson sat on the pigeon's head though, that would be lovely. Yeah, Lord Nelson, that's good.

Use it as a golf tee with practice balls, not the heavy ones. Someone said, I'd like to see someone on the plinth holding a very small target and inviting people to throw large darts at them for an hour. Didn't we make a rule we were going to read out people's names? Yeah, can I tell you what the name is? From Clayton. That's a weird name. Somebody called Clayton.

Is that a name? Yeah, yeah. Clay. Somebody called Clayton. Oh, yeah. Is that a name? Yeah, yeah. Clayton Moore, who played the Lone Ranger. Oh, there was Clayton in Dallas as well. Well, there you go. See, now it's all fallen into place. Played by Howard Keel. I like the idea of playing practice golf.

And that darts thing, there used to be a French street performer. He used to stand outside La Centre de Pompidou. And, yes, La Centre de Pompidou. He used to stand outside la centre de Pompidou. And yes, la centre de Pompidou. He used to stand there. He had a big fat belly and he used to invite you to throw darts in his belly. And he used to dip them in disinfectant or whatever it was and you could throw them really hard and they stuck

in his belly. It was fantastic. It's the best act I've ever seen. Is that true? What do you mean is it true? How dare you? I'm telling you I saw it many times. Can I just say something? I'd like to make up with Gareth. I'm offering my little finger to him.

That's what my mum used to make me do. Yeah, but that looks like a provocation. Sorry, Gareth. It's okay. Oh, you haven't said sorry, though. Well, did I do something wrong? Oh, okay. Yeah, all right.

People don't know you. You can do this off air for god's sake what do we think can i ask we won't be talking off air i'll tell you what split the nation is this this kid who was out in the australian bush he's either a fabulous survival hero or he's a hoax so that seems to be the two views in the newspapers what do you think i think um i think that his father seemed to give up quite soon on finding him because he was there 12 he was missing 12 days and his father had buried a rose and lit a candle and was on his way home he was like oh well he's not 12 days i think there's

still every chance he's gonna come back yeah it is there's not much day in paris almost like the dad was thinking oh god i want to go home now. He did have his flight booked home, the dad, on the day the son was found, which I think is suspicious. Yeah, did he book a flight home? When they said he'd built a shrine, I had an image of a sort of Taj Mahal-type structure, not buried a rose.

What kind of building a shrine is that? Buried a rose. If I came back from being missing and my dad had buried a rose for me, I'd be like, what? What, Dad? Why? Yeah, exactly.

I think I want the flowers buried. What were you thinking about with that? I bet the room was already half redecorated when he returned. How much is he getting for his story, then? 100,000? Is that what's making people suspicious? Well, you know, it's the old Shannon Matthews thing, isn't it, now, that people make up. I wouldn't be surprised to find that Karen Matthews

probably sent him out there. No, I probably can't say that. I don't know, can you blacken the name of Karen Matthews? Wouldn't be easy. She's certainly blackened the teeth. Oh, God. Oh, God. The producer now is doing

one of those cut throat signs and pointing at the deck, so maybe I should play some music if you're listening karen don't absolute radio did you see michael jackson with his hair on fire oh yeah the old pepsi yeah the old clip i have to say i mean it was brilliant because he was dancing like in a fantastic michael jack Jackson way with his head completely on fire. Wow. It was like a really brilliant kind of...

And he didn't seem to have any idea, did he? No, he had no idea. And it was, I mean, but he burned to the scalp, almost to the skull. It got me thinking that if all my hair had burnt off, you know, it's a blank page. You get to choose things. You're going to have to wear wigs probably.

You get to choose what your hair would be for the rest of your life. And I think most people aren't happy with their hair. Am I right? I've always loved that. I don't know if one could do this. I've always loved the Afro. Right. And I've always thought if I was a black person,

I'd definitely have a big Afro regardless. I just think there's something fantastic. That was Michael Jackson, early Michael Jackson, when'd definitely have a big afro, regardless. I just think it's something fantastic. Like those Michael Jackson, early Michael Jackson, where they've all got big afros. Just looks brilliant. So if all your hair was burnt off, you would have an afro? Well, I don't think I could get away with an afro, because I think it would be seen as, I don't know, sort of not.

People might notice. I see you in a sort of Annie wig, like a red curly hair. Do you? Yeah. I'm thinking maybe Fatos are from Steps. You know, that slightly blonde dreads type of look. I think I could

carry that on. Yeah, that's good. Sorry, guys. I think I would, I mean, it's quite similar to the Afro, but Bob Dylan hair. Bob Dylan when it's really big. The old Bob Dylan. So the don't look back Bob Dylan, yeah. That's quite, I mean, that's quite Afro. I'm not being rude, but I don't think that would suit you.

Well, stuff you. No, steady. I do think you'd look like a small mouse looking out the bottom of a ball of wool. Or Damien from Blur. I've spent my whole life trying to get my hair to look like Damien from Blur's hair. You've got the kind of general manner of Damien. Damien? Damien. Of Damien.

What would you go for, Em? I might go for a sort of lap dancer's look. Like a long blonde extent. What, again? No, we said if you were going to change your style. Does any lap dancer listen you cheeky um if there's any lap dancers listening i don't understand why you can't put change in their briefs well it has to be notes all the time the trouble i know there's some sagging but you don't always have notes frank skinner on absolute radio

absolute radio you got chatted up this week didn't you i did don't make it sound so dramatic Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You got chatted up this week, didn't you? I did. Don't make it sound so dramatic. It was a man in Tesco Metro, Frank. I told you it would happen eventually. Just if you believe. If you build it, he will come.

When someone chats you up in Tesco Metro, I think that's wrong, though. I've heard tales that a lot of people meet people in supermarkets. Oh, yeah, but I'm there to do my shopping. I'm not there to be chatted up. Well, you say that. And a man came up to me, and he was with a child who was about 11, which I thought was wrong. And at first he just said...

In what way was it wrong? Can we just establish? You shouldn't be chatting people up if he's got 11-year-old children. Well, no, because she was talking to him, and then suddenly he broke off to say, he looked at me and he went, them jeans is nice. And I said, oh. And at first I genuinely thought he was commenting on my Is he a pirate?

Them jeans is nice. And no mistaken. Ahoy there. They're a bit ahoy there. Oh god. Them jeans is nice. It's hardly a chat up line is it? Hi there. They're a bit ahoy there. Oh, God. Them jeans is nice. It's hardly a chat-up line, is it?

Well, let me tell you the end. Okay, sorry. He said, them jeans is nice. I said, oh, thank you very much. I said it like that. I bet you did. And he said, yeah, fit your rear well fine. And I said, oh.

And I did a face like... I'm getting a picture of this guy. I did a face like Joan Sims, like a really disapproving face. Oh, really? You didn't say that. I was really upset that it was wrong because the child was looking all confused. Fit your real well. Well, fine.

Are they those jeans that you've had? That's an anagram of a chat online that you don't have to put into the right grammatical order. Surely. Are they those jeans you've got that were done by lasers though yes because you've got laser emily's got laser jeans yeah yeah they were made to fit my body you stand in this booth and um yeah that it takes all your measurements i've never i haven't taken the jeans off since he said that i have to say you must have wanted to put me in bed well they fit my real well fine well yeah they're sprayed on yeah they're made with lasers yeah oh a bit that's expensive isn't it of course it is yeah that's interesting i've never thought

i've had any clothes made by uh lasers not since i used to go out with john michelle this is a sort of suggestion it used to come up with on a regular basis. I've never been... Is it a chat-up line? I find it a bit too forward, to be honest. What would you say? I mean, you're in a long-term relationship, as is Gareth. If you had to chat someone up, a girl, like today, what would you say?

You mean if I was single? Yeah, if you hadn't met Cass. The closest I've ever had to a chat online, and this is something I stumbled across accidentally, is I used to say, you smell nice. That's quite nice. Yeah, and in Birmingham it was, you know, you didn't often get the chance to say it non-ironically.

Do you give her a sniff first? Do you give her a sniff? No, I didn't. You smell nice. It's an interesting one because to me it wasn't, because it could be a reference to their perfume. Yes. It might not be too personal.

Do you know what I mean? And you could just get away with it being just a compliment. Yeah, that's how it started. And then I realised people liked it. I must have started using it more cynically. What would your chat-up line be? Well, the one that I've never used it, but I've, you know, made it in my head,

is I go up to the woman and I take her by the hand and I say, hello, I've just been to the toilet and I didn't wash my hands. Right. Do you think that would work? No. Well, not in the swine. I mean, this is the swine flu.

Not in Tesco Metro either. I should say, in the studio today. I'm just going to reach across. So if my voice suddenly sounds like it's further away from the microphone, that's because it is. There's hand hygiene gel in all the studios now. That's so bad. I've already used it. The swine's. It's not unpleasant. It's sort of Melanie, isn't it?

Is it Melanie? Yeah. It's amazing what they do with these corpses. Oh, God. So we're quite excited today because we've got Mr Lightning Seeds coming in. Wow. Ian Brodie. Ian Brodie.

I have to say, I've never seen Gareth so excited. It's kind of second to Damon Albarn coming in. Yeah, this is big for me. So we're quite excited about that. And we're going to celebrate by playing the lightning seeds new single absolute radio i went and saw um placebo the other night ian ian brody is our guest in the studio today and uh how do you feel about on course um actually it's that's strange on course isn't it because um we were talking about this the other day

because we were rehearsing a bit and our drummer was saying that he finds that sometimes it's about if people decide to put lights on or if you don't, you get an... And sometimes it's the strangest things that make encores happen. And then sometimes you feel like, is it a bit of a pantomime going off and coming on yeah that's silly because everyone knows it's going to happen it isn't a spontaneous thing anymore is he yeah so i suppose if you get a second encore it's an

encore i mean it you know and then you think well you know but then if you don't put the set so it's it is a bit of a it's a strange thing when you when you're trying to do a set list as well and you think you know you leave off a really good song because you're trying to do a set list as well and you think you know, you leave off a really good song because you're probably doing you know, so it's I've always thought I'd like to adopt a policy of not ever doing an encore and just do the show but then

everyone would think you were grumpy, wouldn't they? Well, the Who did that once. They toured and said no encores and I went and saw them at somewhere like the empire paul wembley or something as it was in those days and it it felt it did it felt like you've been slightly snobbed yeah yeah but it is when i do a stand-up tour i do an encore but i've got the encore written and ready and i always think well i'm doing it regardless of what the response

people are walking out i am i've gone out there as people with coats on. I hear the slapping of seats going off and I still go out and do it because I've written it. I'm going to do it. Some bands, they hold their biggest hits back to the encore. Some to the second encore, which shows tremendous confidence. They're coming back.

Don't worry about that. Yeah. Well, when I went to see Blur recently, they did two encores and the crowd was like too cool to say more so the crowd was like they're coming back but we're not going to say anything did they stamp well i was there screaming more like a psychopath right because i was like they might not come back they might not come back but everyone else knew they definitely

were going to well i think we can get from the horse's mouth here that pop stars know very well they're going to come back, don't they? Well, it's... Yeah, I mean, I think if you've staved your best song, you're going to go back and do it, whatever happens. I'd play it to an empty auditorium. But... And then there's the thing of if you haven't got another song and everyone's clapping, it's a bit of a strange thing as well.

You put the lights on, you know, but... Well, I've seen bands come out and do a song they've already done in those situations, which is alright. You can't really do that if you're a comic. I don't like it. You remember that funny bit from earlier in the set? Well, it worked before. It worked so well, yeah.

And also there was the clapping thing. I've never been very happy when the audience are asked to clap. How do you mean asked to clap? You know when the bloke on stage starts going, come on, everybody, hands above the head, and you're supposed to join, and if you don't join in, you're seen as a bit of a wet blankie.

Right, so you think it's like the Mexican wave type thing? Yeah, but do you do that? Do you get people to clap? To clap? There's bits in a couple of the songs where there is clapping on on the songs i do a song called a song for no one and there is two of the band clap and i'm on the acoustic which is an old gospel thing isn't it that people oh i think if the band clap i've come to be entertained by the band not to be part of it that's my view well

i do like it if everyone joins in though and it's part of the rhythm it's that's pretty good i think you know i mean like but i'm not much of a one for hands above the head and kind of that one no well i'm glad to hear that i'm glad we've sorted those two things i'd like to stamp them out i'd also like to stamp out people holding up their video phone things throughout the whole thing i'm you know i'm a cigarette lighter man myself. I'm a traditionalist. If you're going to hold anything above your head, it's got to be a topless woman or a cigarette lighter. That's what, you know, that's what gigs are all about.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. That was The Fall, Wrong Place, Right Time. And that was actually produced by Ian Brodie who's in the studio with us today. It was. That surely is the highlight of your career, producing The Fall.

Well, it was a great show, Curious Orange. It was at the Edinburgh Fringe, or at the Edinburgh Festival. It was with the dancers and giant hamburgers and everything. I'm sure it was about, I think it was about William of Orange, but that wasn't... I don't think anyone ever quite worked out what it was about. But it was a great visual thing.

It included Michael Clarke, didn't it? Yeah. The ballet dancer. Yeah, yeah. I think it was his troupe. Yeah. Can I just ask, is that what brought you together professionally, for Three Lions, your shared love of the four?

No, in fact, I didn't realise that Ian had produced Curious Orange, the album, for ages. I just, I don't know how I found out, actually. I just saw, I think I saw your name on the album. That's all you get away with. You kept it quiet. See, if I'd produced a Fall album, I wouldn't talk about anything else for the rest of my life. Was it fun?

Because Mark can be tricky, can't he? Mark's a real character, you know, and he does things in a way... I think that's what's so great about him is he does things in a way that no-one else does them and he doesn't accept any kind of, you know, well-trodden path or something. He just does things very differently, you know, which is challenging but at the same time good fun, you know. We're talking about Mark Eastsmith, in case you don't know,

who's the lead singer with The Fall. He's more than the lead singer, I mean, he is The Fall. Absolutely, yeah. As he has often said, if it's me and your granny on bongos, it's The Fall. And, yeah, I mean, I've heard tales of him saying to the producer, I want to record the whole thing onto a cassette player and then play it back and that's the album So a lot of that goes on

actually, there was a great moment when we, when you finished mixing and you mix a record and then you take it for a process where they kind of master it which is kind of getting it ready for the CD and you have guys who specialise in that and they're always quite

strange guys, they're always quite strange guys. They're just in these darkened rooms and no one's quite sure what they do. They do stuff to it and then it's mastered, you know. And I remember going along with Mark and Mark had a bit of a reputation for stuff like that, which to a mastering engineer is sacrilegious, you know, to put it on a cassette and that.

And I always remember this guy sitting there and Mark mentioning the cassette thing and wondering if we could actually master off the cassette. And the guy didn't say anything, just got up, left the room, came back with a kitchen knife and just laid it on the desk, looked at him and carried on. And, you know... Did Mark take it well it well mark said that guy's great oh i want to do a proper plug the album is out now the lightning seeds um album it is four wins

yeah it's called four wins and the single is out now is it as well uh the single i think is out in a couple of weeks i don't think it's out yet. It's kind of on the radio, I think. Yeah, is it? Okay. There we go. And what's it called? The single. Yeah.

Don't Walk On By. There you go. Don't Walk On By. And it's out. The 3rd of August. We just played it. And it's a beautiful... You know, Gareth, when it's out,

you are a creepy stalker. I say, I have no interest in football at all. So I bought Three Lions because it was a Lightning Seed song. That is why I bought it. You are fired! That is the worst thing anyone's ever said on this show. My goodness me, people have said some bad things. I'm snubbed by my own love child.

Absolute Radio. Robert Duke by my... Um, Robert Duke. Yeah, Robert Duke. You know, I'd love one of them. Is there a Robert Duke, bye, Mark. Robert Duke. Yeah, Robert Duke, you know that. I'd love one of them, a Robert Duke. Say a Robert Duke of Edinburgh. You could keep in your window to ward off travelers. Everyone would.

Yeah, I'd quite like one of them. That's what I'm going to do. We often have sort of advertising ideas on here. What did we have? We had the bottle opener in the shape of the male, you know the male symbol with the arrow? Yeah. Yes.

I sense you don't. I'm not certain. Oh, come on. Is there a male symbol? There is a male symbol. Trust me, I'll email you it. I wouldn't know how to do that. I'll draw it.

I'll draw it now. Can you two talk? Okay, Roger and Les have texted, matter to that i'll draw it i'll draw it now just can you two talk okay we um roger and les have texted and they said they walked down the aisle to pure your song pure and oh there it is do you recognize it yeah i've seen it yeah that's it that's the mail with an arrow coming out of it that's brilliant they walk down the aisle to no one ever founds in and say i'll walk down the aisle to your joke about something or other. I mean, people just don't.

I did have a man who texted in earlier and said he'd stopped drinking because of me. I know. He said you're an inspiration. Yeah, I think it's just because I look so rattled. He thought, that's not what I want to look like when I get older. Yeah. That's great. I think everybody should stop drinking.

Shall we do that? Shall we have that as a competition on the show? I'm not joining in. I don't know how we'd do it, actually. Sort of phone in. No. Oh, God, I'm just saying absolutely anything now. So, Ian, this is me now thinking of about ten things I was going to ask you about. And one of them is... Now, I remember when you were absolutely mad about the Beach Boys.

I used to go around your house and used to say, listen to this. And it would just be one track, not even a song, but just one vocal track going. In the loveliest way. Yeah. And he'd say, hey, what do you think of that? Brilliant. And of course I had to go, yeah, because I wanted to seem cool. But looking back, it was slightly frightening.

But there's a song on the album which is called Ghosts, which I think has got a Beach Boys influence. Am I right about that? I think probably everything I do has a bit of a Beach Boys and Beatles-y influence. Well, you did surf into the studio. That made me wonder. I'm not sure about that wig, though,

that fringe wig and the colourless Jackie. I think you're taking the whole Beatles thing too far. But they wore, after all, they were four lads who rocked the world. Did they rock the world or shook the world? They shook the world. That's it, they shook the world. What fell off it, we'll never know.

Absolute. Radio. So I'm going to Latitude. I'm going after this. I'm getting in my car and I'm heading to Suffolk. Brilliant. That's the kind of character I am. You're trying to sound cool in front of Ian,

so he thinks you're all rock stars. Well, you know, we don't get many pop stars here. No, I know. I should point out, I'm actually doing, I'm doing a kind, I'm in the literary tent. So I'm not going down there hey man just as i saw ian reevaluating you when you said that yes i ate it when he does that there's a slight twitching around the mouth area yes i'm not the last i went to v um which is um

a festival in case you don't know and i stayed for um about half an hour i watched um i think it was faithless and it was all west ham fans in shirts and tattoos and so it didn't seem like i associate festivals with peace and love you know me and i went home i went home after half an hour so you didn't like it much then no not all that one festival no i've been to i've been to other but that was one of my recent festivals when i thought maybe I'll never go to another festival. But obviously I'm being paid to go to this one. That makes everything different. And I'm not camping.

Are you staying for a couple of days? I'm in a sort of a hotel type thing. What do you mean a sort of a hotel? Either it is or it isn't. Well, you say that, but I think it's a house that's been converted into a hotel. In other words, they've bought some little soaps. What, you're staying at someone's house?

It's been converted for the festival into a hotel. Like a B&B. Well, I think it's... I told Tom York he's staying at the same one. So it must be all right. Temporary though. You'll have a drab time with him, won't you? Why? He is very sombre.

I like him. I'm looking forward to seeing him at breakfast so you're staying in someone's house with tom york that's quite weird yeah i think joe brand staying in the same house i think it's me tom york and joe brand is that a sitcom reality tv show who gets voted out first they might be the two most miserable people in the country. Plus you. Tom York and Joe Brand. Plus me. It's a themed misery hotel. Seems a bit of a strange

idea. Yeah, well, I'm but, you know, Grace Jones is on. I love Grace Jones. And I went to see her at the round I'm doing all the talking. We've got a guest in the studio, but he's said he's plugged his. What do you want, Ian? You've plugged your single. I mean, just stop staring at me and that it's my turn to speak go on then say something what can i say you say what's the point i said why do we have guests

no um what do you i mean do you like festivals doing it as a band it must be quite you get all nice facilities and things not always i, I have to say, no. I don't mind festivals. I don't think they're a great place to see bands, but I think they're probably a good place to go and get drunk and spend a weekend if it's sunny and have a bit of a laugh. Festival? It's not a great place to see bands, says Ian Browden.

In absolute radio shock. So you're doing the festival on the 22nd of August. Chelmsford also on the 23rd. Well, that's just a personal view. I don't even like seeing bands in big stadiums. I always think theatres and clubs is the great place to see bands. I like lifts.

You don't see many bands in lifts. Sometimes they're not playing, but I've bombed into bands in lifts. I like seeing them close up Like a song's make-up Well Ian it's been great talking to you The single is out in August 3rd And the album is out now

And you're going to be on the road soon We can safely say Lightning Seeds are back And that's fantastic news Thank you all, have a beautiful weekend And if I don't get the swines at Latitude I'll see you next week. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.