The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Tim Key

Episode Date: January 2, 2010

It's the 43rd show, but the first show of 2010 and Frank, Emily & Gareth share their New Years Eve stories.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Do I normally wear these? I can't remember. Not always.

Well, I'm wearing them today. In case you've just come in on that conversation, I was talking about my head. Not your underpants, like Calvin Classics. Yeah, not a pair of satin pantaloons that I always bring into Absolute with me. This is Frank Skinner on the Absolute Radio. Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

Happy New Year. And we're going to try something a little unique this morning. I'm with Emily and Gareth as always. Hello. Always on the radio. I mean, I'm not with them always. Don't always, no. Yeah.

We're not some sort of terrible chain gang. Yeah, what we're going to do is our regular listeners will know that Gareth began a story, a sort of family story last year, the last show of last year on Boxing Day. There's a second instalment within today's podcast, but at the end of the podcast

and this is just, this will just be on the podcast, not on Absolute Radio, Gareth is going to complete that fabulous epic. I mean, it really is. It's like Lonesome Dove. So I'm very excited, because we've never really done anything like that before.

No, it's brand new, a bonus thing. Yeah, it's a bonus thing, exactly. The show, I felt odd today, I'll be honest with you. I've got something. I don't know what it is, but I think it might be a virus. It started very good, but a vagueness came over you at points.

Yeah, I don't know what that was, but I have. Don't be so honest, you two. I'm sick of it. We want people to listen to this. No, no, I don't. Okay, hype it up a little bit there. No, I think I've got a sort of a virus. It's a great show. We had

Tim Key. Another awkward combative interview. No, he was very funny. He grew on me. Did he? Like a can can. Yeah, and there was some brilliant music, which you won't be hearing on this. But I'm going to listen to this show because I feel so like I'm in a weird dream world in my head that I don't know what's happening. What about that? Absolute. Radio. Happy New Year, everyone.

Happy New Year. So, yeah, we're back. And I want to start off with a moral dilemma. Go on. There's a picture in all the tabloids today of a woman, a drunken reveller in Newcastle, right? I have it in my hand here. And that's the newspaper. It's the authenticity.

By the way, can I say that we are live? Because the last show we pre-recorded. Yeah. And we'd never done that before. Because I sort of disapprove, really, of pre-recording. I know. You're very strict about these things, which is very irritating. I think if we were pre-recording this,

I wouldn't be able to talk about this woman in this morning's paper. And that's something I'm not prepared to give up. Anyway, we are live today. I listened to the show, actually, which I've never done before, which was weird. My girlfriend said, come on, get up. The, we are live today. I listened to the show, actually, which I've never done before, which was weird. My girlfriend said, come on, get up. The radio show's on. I thought, oh my God. And then I thought, I've done it.

And I listened to it, and did I laugh? Did you? I laughed. I laughed maybe a little too much for being cockney. You know, some of it was at you two. Mainly it was at me. But I really properly... Tell us something we don't know. It's's a brilliant show i'm starting to think i'm missing out being in it i'd rather be sitting at home listening it's great you you guys must be having the best time ever so what gem have

you come across in the papers well there's a woman um lying in the snow in um oh i told them not to publish those pictures and she's uh it's a strange picture she's got like a sort of um sort of salmon pink skirt on with a little belt and she's lying completely drunken semi-conscious with a a leg no you're not seeing any underwear or anything i'm not i'm not um i'm not digging into the into the gutter for this well she's not far from the gutter and she seems to have written something in the snow, a bit Da Vinci code. Just before she blacked out. But she's wearing

what I don't get. It's a sort of Jackie Onassis black veil, like what she wore at JFK's funeral. It's a strange mix of... Oh, I've seen that picture. No, her hair's fallen. Her straightened hair has fallen over her face, I think. So that's not a veil? I don't know.

But she is quite well-styled, that woman. I know exactly the woman you're referring to. Oh, yeah. Well, what I'm asking is, is it OK to think, ooh, that's a sexy picture? The fact that it's a woman who's drunk herself into unconsciousness and fallen into a snow-covered Newcastle street. Is that morally acceptable? It's a bit weird, isn't it?

It's a bit board-like. But it is in all the papers. And there are quite a lot of legs. Yeah, but there's a lot of pictures. There are a lot of legs? There's a lot of legs in the picture. I've only found the two so far. It's a bit like one of those spot the difference things

when you have to really explore it. There's probably three or four legs in there if you get close enough. And they're kind of at a disturbing, unusual angle. I think it's the legs at a new angle that you're finding close enough. And they're kind of at a disturbing, unusual angle. I think that's what, I think it's the legs at a new angle that you're finding erotic. Yeah, but you know, I think I'm not saying it is right, I'm just

occasionally you see something and you think, oh I feel a stirring here, should I? And I think it's good to ask people if that's alright. A one that really worried me and I felt, I really felt quite ashamed of myself. I'm really bracing myself. Oh, gosh. I actually think I should leave, it might be a bit early in the year no I dread to think I don't know I'm yeah you frighten me is someone recently involved in a prison riot of some sort no it

was a severed head on a stick no it wasn't it wasn't um it was do you remember um oh no I don't think I should say well should we discuss discuss it when the next song comes on? And we'll tell you. No, but I remember feeling bad when I felt it. Really? I felt bad when I felt it. Even I've disapproved. Well, your girlfriend had a go at me.

I don't want to have to write into my own show and complain. Your girlfriend had a go at me because I fancy Roberto Mancini. Yes, well, I think that's fair enough. Really? I think he's... I just love him. He can't even tie a football scarf, Roberto. You don't put seven knots in a...

He wears it so he can hardly see over it. It's called style. Is that what it's called? Yeah. Anyway, this week's phone-in, is it okay to find the... No, it's not really this week's phone-in. I would like to know,

if anyone's got their hands on a tabloid, have a look at this woman. She's lying with her legs sort of very neatly crossed, like she might be sitting reading a magazine in a hairdresser's. This week's finding, is the binge-drinking woman hot? Well, not is she hot, because I don't want to question her human essence. What I'm

just saying is, is it alright to think, ooh, sexy? Absolute! Radio. During that, we had a discussion about whether I should mention the other thing that I thought was sexy, and apparently I shouldn't, so I won't. And also... So the good news is we're still on air.

Otherwise, we might not have been. Yes. And people will be intrigued, but honestly, just let it go. Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it. OK, let's let it go. You know, you're making it more and more of a thing. And also, our producer, Emma, has put the blinds down during that.

Why did she do that? I don't like it. I feel like I'm working in there. She's holding a gun to Frank's head as well. She's really gone a bit... She does that most weeks. She said it in a slightly sleazy, wise-fopping way. She went, shall I put the blinds down?

Yes, I thought that. Yes, I could imagine a line on a snow-covered street in Newcastle. Wouldn't be the first time. I'm going to go as that woman to a fancy dress party. Don't that be a brilliant costume? You have to take a sort of a snow carpet that you rolled up onto your arm that you then lay out. I could be the guy in the pink T-shirt who's running towards her looking worried.

For those of you who haven't seen this picture, I can only apologise. I feel we've painted it for you in many ways. So that that's on new year's eve she's got herself into that stuff i hope she's all right i'd love to think that she's listening no i'd love that that'd be smashing you can hear it or at least conscious at this point yeah yeah she'll be saying well let having a go at my picture in paper i can't believe it. I didn't know what they're talking about. Now, people now who've just tuned in will think, oh, they've got Joan McElderry on as the guest. That's exciting.

By the way, we've got Tim Key as our guest today. Oh, yeah. Oh, I saw him in Edinburgh. I was in Edinburgh this year. Well, he won the big one. Oh, yeah. He won what's now called the Eddie, I think, this year. Which was the Edinburgh... We called it the Perrier back in the 80s. The Edinburgh Comedy Award it was this year? Well, he won the big one. Oh, yeah. He won what's now called the Eddie. Oh, is it? Which was the Edinburgh... We called it the Perrier back in the 80s.

Edinburgh Comedy Award it was this year. Yeah, I think they shortened it to the Eddie. Do you see? Do you see how they did that? Edinburgh. It was the Eddie's before, but they changed it. This isn't interesting. I don't think it was. I think it was the spot.com. Oh, this is fascinating.

This is you two arguing about what it's called. Well, we can ask him is fascinating. This is YouTube arguing about what it's called. Well, we can ask him. He'll know what it's called, for goodness sake. I'm on Google as we speak. What did you say? I said I'm on Google as we speak. Oh, so you call me a mongoose. I mean, you know, I don't mind a bit of friendly leg pulling amongst work colleagues, but, you know.

Don't take it personal. You have to retain a certain amount of dignity. I would never call you a mongoose, Frank. That would be out of order. Okay, well, thanks for that. I feel we've healed. My new... I have a...

This new year... Do you remember when I said on Bonfire Night, I went round David Baddiel's house and we all stood at the window, looking through the window at other people's fireworks? Yes, I remember that. Well, blow me if I didn't do exactly the same thing this year.

We stayed in. I wanted to go out on New Year's Eve. I said, let's go. I said, let's go onto a tall hill. There was me... Can we just establish you were at mother-in-law's? I was at my girlfriend's mum's. So there's me and my girlfriend and her sister and her boyfriend. So there was five of us. And I wanted to go out into the... five of us right and i wanted to go out

into the mood because i don't drink i wanted to go out into a nearby hill because it's sort of in the countryside oh yeah and and see uh the new year in in the moonlight you know in a slightly pagan way i thought maybe naked and covered in body paint but not necessarily anyway also at this point you will have been desperate to get out of the house, I imagine. Well, yeah, though it was very cold. Anyway, we ended up standing at the bedroom window, looking out at other people's fireworks. Again, I've become a person who sits in a window. You know those old-age pensioners you see who just look at people walking by?

That's who I am. And I'll tell you what I saw loads of. Do you know what a sky lantern is? No. Let me tell you what I saw loads of. Do you know what a sky lantern is? No. Let me tell you! A sky lantern is a sort of paper lantern thing with a candle in it, all right? And it actually floats in the sky, a light. And it was full of them.

It was either full of them or it was a Martian face. Are you sure you didn't have a bit of dementia kicking in? I've never even seen this. When he said, do you know what a sky lantern is, I thought it was just going to be like a head, a street lamp. A head? Do you mean a head? Yeah, we hollowed out some of the locals' heads.

It was in the sky! That's the nice thing in the country. You can get people's heads, hollow them out and put candles in. And most people are fine with it. Because a lot of them just live in trees and stuff in the countryside. They don't know. No one knows they're there. Yes, well, you say that.

I reckon now, beginning of a decade, end of this decade, they'll call the tens. Will they be called the tens? They'll call the tens probably the Sky Lantern decade. I think the Sky Lantern is going to absolutely take over and go crazy. They'll be called like the teens, won't they? They'll be called. Will they be called the teens or will they be called the tens?

Well, let's not discuss this on air. Yeah, but we have to wait ten years, basically, to find out. Yeah. Well, I mean, I don't know if that... I think our listeners have got quite a lot of spare time, but not that much. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Not that much. Frank, you know you fancied that drunk woman.

I didn't say that. I said I found the picture strangely evocative. Alluring. Yeah, alluring. Well, someone's just texted in and quite wisely has remained anonymous and said, just seeing the drunken picture, you have serious issues and are in desperate need of help. That's a bit over the top, isn't it? In case you you don't know there's a picture in all the tabloids today of a

woman um lying drunken woman well i'm saying drunken allegedly um she could be dead lying in the snow in newcastle if she's dead i'll feel terrible about finding it an alluring picture obviously but i'm wondering if this woman is looking at herself in all the tabloids today and thinking, brilliant, this is suitable for framing. Yeah. Because she's, I mean, that's really great coverage she's got, even though her face is covered by a veil. People have got their own TV shows on the strength of less.

Let's face it. I think she could. It would be a great thing to have, you know, to have framed at home. My sister, God bless her, our Nora, she used to, she kept a big scrapbook. She may still keep it because I don't keep any of my sort of cottons or anything. But she kept a big scrapbook wherever I was in the paper or magazine or stuff.

And neighbours used to put it through, if there was anything in the paper, they'd put it through the letterbox so she could add it to the scrapbook. And then one, this has been a while back, and I don't need to think that it's a regular thing, but basically anyway, my boyfriend, I'm not a boyfriend.

Well, you said it was a while back, and it's not a regular thing. If anyone's just tuned in now and switched off immediately, that's... It was a while back. Now, my brother, I was going to say. That's a terrible Freudian slip. My boyfriend's my brother. Yeah, my brother, well, anyway, he head-butted his common-law wife and she had to have 18 stitches in her head.

And it was in the son, you know, Frank Skinner's brother head-butts his common-law wife was the headline. And the neighbours, two or three neighbours, put it through... Oh, that was thoughtful. ...my sister's letterbox for the scrapbook. That's always lovely. That's a nice thought. I mean, I don't know if she had an appendix in the scrapbook for, like, you know, family dirty washing.

But anyway, I wasn't sure about that. Have we had any texts yet? Yeah. On 8-12-15? Well, we've had one from a man, the normal kind of... You'll have to be more precise than that. What's his name? His name's... Oh, it's

Graham Findlay. And he's the normal... It's another man besotted with Emily, basically. I've been listening to the podcast first time live. I've fallen in love with Emily. Her voice is wonderful, like sweet honey.

Like sweet honey? Well, as opposed to that savoury honey. Yeah, I like salt and vinegar honey. My favourite. Emily ran away with me, all of that. And he's a photographer. Ran away with me? With me?

No, it was heels. I don't run, darling. No, I'm sure. And he's a photographer, and we've had a look at his website and he's offered to do a photo shoot with Emily what sort of pictures well what we want done Graham is we want one in the snow

legs at funny angles well over face can you do that Graham you've got to get on with it because there'll be no snow another couple of weeks spring will start to kick in. That's true.

Well, that's what she thought. Yeah. Got to get down in the snow. Oh, I don't know about that. Well, I'll give it some thought. I mean, I only do tasteful stuff, though, mind. Oh, yeah. I like the way...

Oh, I've only seen the way Emily had her arms folded as she said, oh, I only do tasteful stuff. Oh, how lovely. It's like Les Dawson in a dress. Well, it's not every... I'll tell you what I haven't had this year, thank goodness. What? What I used to get come New Year is I used to get this idea just before,

look about the 30th of December, I used to think, what if I really don't like being in the New Year? If I don't like the next year and I feel terribly trapped in it. Oh, I understand that. So I've sorted, this year I'm comfortable. And then suddenly a New Year, and I feel terribly trapped in it. Oh, I understand that. So I've sorted, this year I'm comfortable, and then suddenly a new year starts, and I think,'s a leap you got all that if it's uh and honestly i used to get into a real fret about it and you're like you're like king canute on the

beach of time you're like king canute i've always said that you mongoose yeah i've told you i won't have that yeah i see him as more of a pole cat. Absolute. Radio. That's the morning. Oh, it's good to hear that again, isn't it? OK. Stephen Sutton has said that sounds like the soundtrack to a porn movie, that song that you just played. Yeah, well, Stephen Sutton would know. Yeah, not the highest-selling single of the decade, that song.

No. But what was is... That was fabulous. That was very Titch Martian. That was Titch Martian. You've spoiled it now. Sorry. You're a bunch of mongooses, the pair of you.

The highest-selling single of the decade was Will Young's... Whee! Whee! Whee! Also, you just said you bunch of mongooses, the pair of you. Well, that doesn't make sense. Well, I don't know. Pairs always been... Anyway. OK.

That was a mongoose impression I did there. Really? I don't know if you've heard... You know when they wrestle an egg? And they wrestle an egg out of a nest. They roll on the stomach so it doesn't break. They go, whee! Whee!

You've never seen that? When have you seen that? Do you not watch the Natural History programmes? No, I've got ladies' programmes to watch. Anyway, carry on, Gary. Mongoose rolling. Chris and Rosalie in Arbroath call people mongooses as an insult. Do they?

They feel very connected to us because of it. That's good. We've reached across the board. Will Young's song, Anything Is Possible Stroke Evergreen, was the highest-selling single of the decade. Controversial billing there. You see, I'd say Evergreen was the highest selling single of the decade controversial billing there you see i'd say evergreen was the main song you you think of with that single well it was a double it was a double a side yeah what was on the other side um it was anything is possible oh okay you know anything is possible no how does it go that anything is possible we had this this was the song we danced to at our wedding, me and Laura and I.

I'm glad you said me and Laura, because you were looking at me and I was thinking, I don't even remember dancing at our wedding. When was our wedding? Frank? What? He had that as his song. What else did you have?

Chico time. I was. Oh, my God, what sort of a wedding was it? You mean the first song that you, that real romantic one, which is the beginning of your married life, that one. Well, you have I Get a was it? You mean the first song that you... That real romantic one, which is the beginning of your married life, that one. I Get A Kick Out Of You or something. What else did you have?

Touch My Bomb, The Cheeky Girls, I bet. That is... Anything Is Possible is a very moving, beautiful song. I had Touch My Bomb, The Cheeky Girls. I actually led a homeless bloke into the arena and I said, come on, touch my bum for Locke. Because apparently it's quite lucky if you're such a homeless person, and if you've ever tried it.

It's a very moving, beautiful song that meant a lot to... Laura thought it was apt, anything is possible. Just for me getting married. Well, if Laura chose it, I like it then. If Laura chose it, you're allowed it. Laura chose it, and I chose that. You know, you have to choose your battles. Not that I don't love the song. What would you have gone for um girls and boys by blur well that would have been a bit sleazy for a wedding the thing i the thing i regret more than anything

else about being promiscuous in greece or something it's awful i wouldn't yeah and the thing i regret more than anything else is not having kfc as our wedding food because we had a buffet and it wasn't up it's good that you regret that more than anything else is not having KFC as our wedding food. Because we had a buffet and it wasn't up to that. It's good that you regret that more than anything else. If you line your deathbed and say that, you'll be a very happy man. Yeah. Well, I regret certain things about my own wedding. It.

Our first dance was Love Me Tender. Oh, that's Presley ten months later it was all over should have had Love Me for ten months I don't think there is a song called that but no

what we did have which was marvellous is that we had two DJs we had a double DJ set up you know two bloke very fat men nice

fat and they had baseball hats on with hands. Like felt hands. And when they pulled strings either side of their heads, the hands clapped on their baseball hats. That sounds classy. Well, it was in West Bromwich.

And it was... Yeah, that was... Anyway, I think... What I think is I've read all these reviews of the decade and they're all things like that top-selling single, favourite film. People should be a bit more inventive. They should have, like, weirder stuff. Also, my problem with the decade is I can basically remember

back about a fortnight. And I think, well, it's in the decade, it'll do. Like, what would be good? Like, weirdest advert would be a good category, for example. Oh, that's good. And weirdest advert, for me. Oh, that's good. A weirdest advert for me would... Have you seen these? They've suddenly appeared on the telly asking you to put your gold in an envelope

and send in... That gold you've got in your cupboard. What gold in my cupboard are you talking about? Send that in. What, the gold in my... Yes, OK. And we'll send you some money. Yeah, I bet you will.

They send you special gold, special envelopes, so everyone knows it's gold. Special envelope, yeah. It's called stuff like your old gold. And we'll have that, one of the companies is called. Oh, we'll have that. That bloke who found the Anglo-Saxon gold in Scotland, what if he'd just put it into a jiffy bag

and thought, I know what to do with it. It's a incredibly odd send gold. What do you mean? What is it when you send your gold to Acopna? I'm not sending my gold, my Tiffany Key necklace. He's not getting that. Yes, Timothy Key is the guest. By the way, that was a fabulous link.

I didn't see that coming at all. I'll tell you the ad I hate, Frank, is that, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, is the guest. By the way, that was a fabulous link. I didn't see that coming at all. I'll tell you the ad I hate, Frank. It's that... You all right? Let's get back to this ad. What's the ad you hate? You know very well what I mean. There's a funny woman singing that.

I think I heard a mongoose in here. What was that? Yeah, I don't know what that's for. Yeah, but it's not weird. It's an art... That's it. Send it's not weird. That's it. Send us your go home. I can't make sense.

Absolute. Radio. So what we were thinking for a phone-in is a more unusual category for something of the decade, like weirdest advert or worst worst animal based tv show something like that right that'd be all right because i'm sick of hearing about people's favorite film and i mean shut up about it so that's on 8 12 15 just a category you don't even have to name what it is but you can name what it is as well obviously then you're joining in even more which is lovely

we've had a few nice texts in as well regarding wedding songs we're talking about gareth who had a rather unusual first dance song for his wedding what was it unusual it's beautiful anything is possible by william okay the double a side with evergreen do you know upside down my mouth looks exactly like will young's i once noticed really yeah carry on i hope i never have to test that out oh blimey oh um okay so clive redfern says his pal had the match of the day theme tune not at his first start as his first dance but as the happy couple turned after their kiss in church and came down the aisle that's marvelous quite like that. And we've also had a suggestion. How about David Bowie's Love You Till Tuesday?

That's the first wedding song, Frank. For me. Dominic, yeah. Yes, well. We can't go back and change what happened. No, we can't go back and change. Yeah. We have still got David Tennant's mattress in the back room at Absolute.

Maybe that's got some time-travelling properties. Like bed nubs and broomsticks or something yeah did that go in time it did how strange can we edit oh no we're live so um you may remember those of you listen to the show regularly yes they exist don't look at me like that um they um you may remember that before uh well actually it's on Boxing Day, Gareth began a story and we hadn't got time to finish it. So it's the first ever, I think, radio story which has gone over obviously the serialised shows on Book at Bedtime and stuff like that, but just in a show like this.

So it began with a sort of strange tale of, I think it was your grandparents, your cousin cousin your brother so we were at my grandma's house okay um i was probably i think i must have been about 11 years old i've got two brothers um we were told if we were naughty one more time we were not allowed to go and see our cousins before we went home to where we lived okay um and me and my brother joel pushed my brother josh out the tree okay so we realized you never mentioned the fact you're in a tree that's quite an important bit of the story you should have started with that we're in this tree some sort of mongoose yeah the richards have always

lived in trees um we pushed um joel out and we realized we'd been naughty so me and my what happened how high was this drop? He didn't... He survived. Well, that's good news. It wasn't a very... How heartening. Yeah. Yeah.

What, did you claim he was windfall? When questioned about it? Well, we didn't wait around to see the consequences. My grandma lives in Slough and my cousins live in Windsor. And me and my brother decided we were going to run away

to my cousin's house. And you have to walk along the relief road to get there. Well, you're not supposed to walk there, basically. And so we walked along what's basically the side of a motorway. Can I just come in to apologise? I'm thinking exactly what you're thinking.

We've got a few more links left I'll get through it You're on your way to Slough How long is it going to take you to get to Slough? Well we have a series of adventures on the way Well let's hold it there Because I think we need to make this a cliffhanger So just a story so far

Be quicker to read the Odyssey Exactly, instead of the oddity Which is what this has become. So Gareth and his brother push Joel out of a tree. Was it Joel that fell out of the tree? And then he survived. Oh no, Josh. Josh out of the tree.

Josh out of the tree. And now they're off to slow. That's all you need to know. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We like to make listeners' dreams come true on this show, don't we? Speak for yourself. OK. Andy Nottingham has texted us.

Who? Andy from Nottingham. Oh, OK. You know. I'd really like to hear Emily's niece review Rage Against the Machines Christmas No. 1. Is this possible? Well, anything is possible. Yeah, apparently.

It's your wedding song. Yes. And I don't know if you, apparently. It's your wedding song. Yes. And I don't know if you remember Mimi. She's been on the show a couple of times. She once reviewed The Four. She did. She's my fabulous niece.

Basically, I banned her after that. I didn't like her remarks. So how old is Mimi? She's eight and a half. Okay. So we spoke to Mimi. We got her to phone in. So your sister played Mimi the... Yes, Rage Against the Machine.

Mimi's mum played Rage Against the Machine. I'm hoping that she played the radio friendly version. I can't guarantee that. I think she would have though. I think she would. She's a good mother. This is Mimi's review of Rage Against the Machine in the name of...

Hi, I'm Mimi and this is what I think about Rage Against the Machineines in the name of? Hi, I'm Mimi, and this is what I think about Rage Against the Machines. I did like the song, but there were some things wrong with it. The singer was a bit angry and aggressive and shouty, and I didn't really like that much. And he says the same words over and over again, and it's got to get a bit boring. Well, his voice doesn't sound so that clear, and he's more shouting than singing,

but I did like the song a bit. Yes. Very good. I thought it was a brilliant review. Well done, Mimi. I wish she'd gone into the politics a bit more, because I think that's fairly crucial. I had a mate tell me he'd got into the Rage Against Mach's amazing they're really political and i was like well i'm not sure they've got any policies that are gonna you know they're political but i don't think they're the

way forward also they're about 64 now aren't they how old are these people now so it's me seems to very how old is she again she's eight and a half yeah she seems very uh very pertinent very bright. Oh, she is. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, Frank. No, I've heard that. I don't know what it means, but I've heard it. Apparently the brother doesn't fall that far from the tree.

It was an apple tree. By the way, I think I've got something coming on. I don't know if you've noticed today, but I'm a bit... I don't know if it's... Last night it came upon me and I thought, I'm going to have the flu. I'm going to have the swines tomorrow. I feel like I'm living in a strange dream.

Those of you who think, oh, he feels a bit weird today, he sounds weird. Yeah, I'm really odd. Honestly, this is like Yellow Submarine. You know the cartoon Yellow Submarine? I know. With you two as the blue menace. Can I give you a nice back rub in the break?

No. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily and Gareth. It's January 2nd. Normally, January 2nd would be that day when it gets back to normal, which I always look forward to over Christmas. I just want it all to stop and just be like a normal life, doing things that are normal again.

But because of the weekend, it's dragged out. It's still bank holiday, it feels like, today. Yeah, a little bit. For goodness sake. I can't stand the stress of the weekend, you know, it's dragged out. It's still bank holiday, it feels like, today. Yeah, a little bit. For goodness sake. I can't stand the stress of the whole thing. What stress? Oh, you know, the rows, the fallings. I had a...

Oh, you know, 20 minutes into the new year, I had a row. Did you? Yeah, with my girlfriend's brother. Oh. No, that's wrong. My girlfriend's sisters. Some bloke who that's wrong. My girlfriend's sisters. Some bloke who was at the house. Well, your boyfriend, according to what you've been saying this morning.

How many ex-boyfriends have you got? Anyway, we had a big row. I mean, oh, dear God. My girlfriend, who'd gone to bed at this point, said to me, was everything all right last night? I heard shouting. Oh, dear. And I tried to tell her we were staging a small, impromptu Ibsen play.

But no. No, we had a big row about, well, it's a bit of a... It was whether or not there's a 13th row on aeroplanes. Oh, OK. Yeah. And I said I thought that many aeroplane companies didn't have one because customers didn't want to sit in the 13th row. The superstition. Yeah, I don't know quite what the superstition would be based on the idea that

something could happen to you in that row that wouldn't happen to the other people on the plane oh because i was in this plane crash but it's probably because i was in the 13th row yeah what about the other people that weren't in the 13th row but we're also in the anyway but we had he said that then that it was you know i'd made it up and it was rubbish. And then I pretended I was looking at some New Year greetings text, but really I was on my iPhone. You weren't Googling, were you? I was Googling 13th Row and Aeroplanes. And I said, well, maybe you'd like to read this.

You might find this interesting. Continental Airlines, Air Nippon, Lufthansa, Air Malaysia. I continued along this, just rattling off. But then it escalated because he said, oh, you know, I didn't say that no airline. And I said, well, no, you did say that because I got you to specify that because I knew I was going to look it up.

So I wanted a precise statement that I could tear apart. And then I said, so... It's like having a round with Ron Paul. Yeah. Honestly. there was some rompole involved and then i said oh i mean i got i got it wasn't a good start to the year i said you know just admit you were wrong and he said okay i was wrong i said now doesn't that feel better and he said no it doesn't because i wasn't wrong and of course then it escalated

i'd already had an argument with my girlfriend just before New Year because she wouldn't hula hoop. My girlfriend's sister hula hoops. You're so demanding. What do you mean with an actual hula hoop? What do you think with? I thought it might have been a crisp-faced thing. I was in a hula hoop with a burning Triumph Toledo. So why did you want her to hula hoop?

Because I have this thing. I see New Year's... Fetish thing. When it actually becomes new year i'd see it as a bit like st swithin's day you know if it rains on st swithin's day it rains for 40 days and 40 nights apparently well i always think if if new year isn't perfect if that moment of midnightness isn't absolutely perfect it'll be a terrible year in which i'm a bit with you on that so um my girlfriend's sister hula hooped and we videoed her, you know,

because she's quite good at it, and then I hula hooped. That sounds a bit creepy. Well, I... Why did you video her hula hooping? It's weird. So we could celebrate that we'd gone into the new year in high spirits. Watching a lady hula hooping. She's not a lady, she's my girlfriend's sister, for goodness sake. So, and then I hula hooped, and I must say,

I hadn't hula hooped that well over the holiday up until that point, but once the video went on, I hula hooped like there was no tomorrow. That's all I needed was a bit of incentive. But then I said to Kath, come on, we're all hula hooping, what fun we're having, come on, great. She said, oh, no, I feel a bit sick. And I said, well, that's typical of you, isn't it? I asked you to hula hoop, I feel a bit sick, I feel a bit sick. Why didn't you just hula hoop?

And that didn't go that well either. Absolute. Radio. So, we are joined by Tim Key. Hello, Tim. Hello, Frank. Now, Tim is, I'm going to call you Edinburgh Comedy Award winning comedian. What about that?

Don't mind that. In fact, I presented Tim with that very award. Did you? Oh, was that you? Yeah, that was me. I remember on the day, actually, you? Yeah, that was me. I was, I remember on the day, actually, you walked straight past me and hugged your mate. Yeah.

There was two of us. There was two of us presenting the award. He sort of took the award off me. Like, you know when you see runners in a marathon who grab water from the people at the side? It was like that. I really needed an award quickly before I hugged David. I bet you did, yeah. And I got nothing, not even a handshake. I was just overawed.

It's fine. I think you honestly didn't recognise me. Of course I recognised you. We get people on the show... You explained me, you were. We get people on the show to settle scores, Tim. Yeah, yeah. This is why people come on.

The bank bears grudges, you just need to know. Do you want me to hug you? No, you were a very popular winner, Tim, and it brought the house down, I remember. Has it changed your life, winning that award? No, not really. Really? To be honest, it's a bit of a cliche,

but it really hasn't sunk in. I was thinking about it yesterday, because it's New Year, so I was thinking about it, and I still am quite staggered by it, really. Because it is a lot. For a British comic, it's a bit like winning an Oscar, isn't it? It is amazing.

It is, yeah. It's really amazing. Did it change your life? You won it, didn't you? I think it changed it a bit. I was able to pull a bit more. Yeah, I was able to pull. Oh, were you?

Yeah, I used the trophy as a lure. Yeah, I do that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, when I that. Yeah. When I won it, it's a Perrier Award. It got more publicity, I think, because of the sponsorship. But this year it got a lot of publicity because it hadn't got any sponsorship.

Yeah, this year it felt like they'd thought quite hard about the publicity side of things. The awards was in the afternoon and stuff, so they could make all the papers and things like that It was quite a good one to win I mean it's not a bad one to win is there I thought you won the pure version Because there was no sponsors involved It was all tarnished I think it's probably the best award yet isn't it

The one that I won Yeah I think Certainly the best one in that decade Yours was so commercial It was. It was, actually. Yes, I was carried around Edinburgh by Cathy Lloyd, the former Page Three girl.

I'm surprised you accepted it. I thought you would have declined. Well... Well, you know, in those days, I needed the help. So, congratulations on that. I didn't get a chance to congratulate you on the day because you... I ran off. But that's all right. So, Timmy, you have a book out.

Yep. Now, I should explain, there might be people listening who don't know your work. There might well be quite a few. How would you... If I was an alien who landed, which I seem to remember you looked at me like I was. Have you been sort of... Have you had a quite difficult four months since then? Oh, people keep saying to me,

God, that was terrible what Tim Key did. So I think it was an accident. It looked like a deliberate snob meow. No, so... If someone said so, what do you do, Tim? Because you're not the normal stand-up comic, this is what I'm getting at. No, no, no, I'm not a stand-up comic at all, I don't think.

I basically, yeah, quite weird, actually, to win the award, because really I sort of do poetry. And I kind of do offbeat, idiosyncratic poems, and then sort of while I'm doing them, they're quite poor, and then while I'm doing them I sort of commentate on them and talk around them and stuff like that. And sometimes that veers slightly in to stand up

I do make the odd wry observational joke just to make sure I definitely won that award That's what they want They don't want too many jokes They want the odd one You did loads and loads of stand up didn't you and then just

How long had you done stand-up for, before you won? I think I started, I did my first gig at the end of 87 and I won the award in 91. So, yeah, but I'd been doing the clubs. Yeah, and I didn't do the clubs at all. Like, I basically have just done about four clubs over the last seven years, but done them a lot and done them for no money and sort of worked out i've just been working up edinburgh shows really you're an artist tim that's what you are yeah yeah yeah no i'm not an artist i just was never asked to do a gig where people

gave me money okay but i still quite like the idea of performing so i'd sort of go along and do things for no money and uh yeah kind of work out... Like, this is my... I went to Edinburgh in 2001, so I've done quite a lot of Edinburgh shows. So, yeah, but I didn't kind of do the whole circuit and things like that. Yeah, though I must say, on the day, as I say, when we announced the winner,

it got raw. I got, like... I sensed you were the favourite in the room, do you know what I mean? There was love in the room. Well, um... Don't deny it, Tim, there was love. I'm not about to deny it.

OK. No, the thing about winning it was, it was really nice to win it, but that was the most humbling thing, was that, yeah, people were really, really nice about it. And a lot of comedians were, and that's kind of my slight regret about... Because you don't like to write a speech for when you win the award, because there's always a chance that you might not win it. So I didn't write a speech.

You can always recycle next time you win something. Always write a speech, Lars. Yeah, I should recycle, yeah. But I just regret not sort of... The one thing I meant to do, I think, was to thank comedians for coming and watching my show, because it's really nice when other comedians come and watch your show and are nice about your show and things. Because, you know, everyone's sort of just focusing on their stuff.

You could have started by thanking me for handing over the award. That's all right. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Tim Key's our guest this morning. Now, Tim, we mentioned that you have a book out. Yep. Tell us a bit about the book. Thereute Radio. Tim Key's our guest this morning. Now, Tim, we mentioned that you have a book out. Yeah. Tell us a bit about the book.

There it is. Well, that's not going to work on radio. Is it not? No, you're going to have to tell us. You're going to have to describe it. Paint your word pictures, you crazy poet man. OK. It's a sort of aubergine-coloured affair.

Oh, well. One thing you can't judge a book by, I find. Is the colour. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's got a rubbish by, I find. Is the colour. Yeah. Well, it's got a rubbish cover, but don't worry about that. Inside is art, basically. It's absolutely ideal.

I did a book a couple of years ago, which was poetry. And then as it went through, it kind of subsided into nonsense. And the poem sort of became less and less. And it kind of lost its way during the book. and I had lots of footnotes and sort of discussed this problem. And this one sort of starts where that one left off so it's already lost its way when you start and it's kind of just a selection

of nonsense ideas just not even really knitted together properly but I've got a designer who designs it and makes it look nice and hopefully that sort of papers over the cracks slightly and... You know you should go into sales Tim Well we were reading the book

only this morning and laughing out loud so I think you've it's much better than Tim suggests it is It is chaotic It's chaotic Basically the way it was written was while I was doing other stuff this was kind of my thing where if you have, like, deadlines, boring deadlines that you have to meet and stuff like that,

this was my one thing where I could just sort of go to the pub just for an hour, have a pint and just write one thing. And did that over about 18 months. So you wrote in the pub? Yes. Oh, OK. Yeah. Or a disco.

Anyway. Hooray. OK. Yeah. Or a disco. Anyway. A rave. Yeah. Do you ever have one of those pens on a small torch in the end, so you can write in a rave? Yeah. I'm fascinated. You know these blokes who read in pubs?

I don't mean the newspaper, but the blokes who bring a novel into the pub. I'm always fascinated by them. That might be me. I'm trying to think. Have you ever read a novel in a pub? No. That's not me. I'm trying to think. Have you ever read a novel in a pub? No. That's not weird reading in a pub.

It's hence that Morris' song. Novel in a pub, I know. No, I don't think I'm a novel in a pub type person. Oh, well, I'm glad to hear that. But writing in a pub, I quite like writing in a pub. Or writing in a cafe. Well, I.E. Houseman. Oh, go on. I.E. Houseman. That's my I.E. Houseman a laugh.

Are you sure you want to talk about A.E. Houseman? Yeah, whenever we mention him, there's a very, very brief news item. Unrelated. Once you mention him the first time on that show, I'll try it again, A.E. Houseman. It's all right, then. Yeah, it's OK. Just that first one.

Broke in the back of it. Yeah, it always shakes me up a bit. I forgot, I hadn't pressed the... It sets off all sorts of procedures here. Whenever we say A.E. Houseman, it goes shakes me up a bit. I forgot, I hadn't pressed the... It sets off all sorts of procedures here. Whenever we say, hey, how's my... It goes into an emergency code. You're all saying it now. But anyway, yeah, it's all right, we've got the first one out the way, don't worry.

He used to... You know, he's this Shropshire poet. He used to go to the pub and he used to have about three or four pints. And then on the walk back, the stanzas would just drop out of him just from the beer yeah so are you inspired by me no i'm not inspired by a houseman i kind of um beer yeah don't misunderstand me i don't sort of go and get hammered and then oh no i never suggested that that's second to it it's just like quite nice sometimes just to have like a nice sort of um pint in a pub and write a bit of nonsense but do people come over and say what are you writing mate uh that can happen yep i'm honest about it writing this there's no shame in it no no it's a lovely thing to say. Tim Key is with us.

Tim Key has just told us about his book, but he didn't tell us what it was called. No, no, I'm going to tell you now. Go on. It's called Instructions, Guidelines, Tutelage, Suggestions, Other Suggestions and Examples, etc. An Attempted Book by Tim Key, and Descriptions, Conversations and A Piece About a Moth.

OK. I like the fact that you had to read that from the front of the book. You haven't even memorised it yourself. No, I'm not memorising it. Just go in and say, have you got any books by Tim Key? Yeah. It's the other thing. The best way to do it, actually, is to get it off the internet.

OK. It's not one of those books that you can get in a bookshop. Oh, one of those books. Frank's very familiar with those. It's fine. Yeah, off the internet. Oh, OK. Yeah. Oh, how dare you? Yeah, off the internet. Oh, OK. Yeah, can I say the website?

Yeah, say the website. It's called theinvisible.com. Or if you just Google the invisible dot, you'll be able to find it. Well, you do have to put a dot in. The dot's not invisible. It's really, yeah, I was having this discussion just now with someone from the invisible dot who said you must make sure you say it quite clearly. So any kind of conversation like this is absolutely ideal for him yeah yeah it's the

it's not great for your listeners but he's gonna be rubbing his hands with glee well those listeners that want to find your book will be glad that they've established this on the invisible not oh yeah that's the other thing you can just write invisible not anything just write anything you'll probably find it okay you'll just yeah i think look, I think look up Tim K, that's my advice. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. And also, if they want to see you live, Tim, you're round about it. It's the same website, they can do that, yeah. I'm doing my Edinburgh show, The Slutcracker,

at the Soho Theatre in February. February the 9th. Just look and see if you can say that. Oh. Yeah, that's fine, that's fine. For two weeks, in February the 9th, for two weeks at a solo theatre,

and you get the tickets at, no, maybe, there's definitely a link to it on the invisible dot. Oh, we'll go to that. Oh, the invisible dot this, the invisible dot that. It's got like this episode

of Treasure Island. Shall we go to that as a works outing? Yeah, I love a works outing. I couldn't get in in Edinburgh. Oh, really? I wanted to see you. Oh, God, all the old grudges are coming. Yeah, I love a works outing. I couldn't get in in Edinburgh. I tried to see you. Oh, really? Oh, God. All the old grudges are coming.

Yeah, and I didn't like that thing you set up now. Now, I noticed from your MySpace list of likes that you like there's a Ukrainian hula girl that you like. Oh, yeah. He's obsessed by hula hooping. I've become very obsessed with hula hooping.

I've become obsessed with it slightly. In fact, the last thing I did before I came here, when you were talking about that, is write a note saying, buy a hula hoop. I've been meaning to do that. Yeah, but Tim, did you shout at your family on New Year's Eve because they wouldn't hula hoop? No, I didn't shout at my family.

No, but that doesn't come with every hula hoop. That's it. You have to cross me with a hula hoop. In fact, if I stand next to a hula hoop, I do look like I'm in a Venn diagram. And that's one of the best things about it. If you have two, you can put your friends into Venn diagrams and various other items that you own and stuff. Yeah.

Well, I'd recommend you... I'm not ready for two yet. No, no, no. But this Ukrainian hula girl, she was in a thing called The Clique. I saw that show, yeah. Yeah, but they changed the line-up. Did you see it with the hula girl, she was in a thing called The Clique. I saw that show, yeah. Yeah, but they changed the line-up. Did you see it with the hula hoopers?

Well, I've seen a couple of hula hoopers. It was about three years ago. There's another one called Kalki the hula girl. Yes, I've worked with Kalki. Yeah, I've worked with Kalki. Yes. What did you work with Kalki on? Well, I do a thing called The Credit Crimes Cabaret, and she was on that.

Oh, I saw her on that, yeah. She came and knocked on my dressing room door, I remember, and said... We don't wish to know the end of this anecdote. No, no, it wasn't like that. She said, do you know where I'm supposed to get changed? And I thought, well, did you see the star on the door? I mean, and I said, no, I have no idea. I did know, but I thought, I'm not going down that road.

She did the book launch for my book. Did she? Yeah, it was just me and Basden and her. She did her act. She's excellent. I love her. What, just the three of you in Did she? Yeah, it was just me and Bazden and her. She did her act. She's excellent. I love her. What, just the three of you in a room?

Yeah. Sounds highly irregular. I just launched my book for her and Tom. You need plenty of room in your hula hoop. That's why I've sold two. Are you selling hula hoops

on the Invisible? Oh, yeah. You get a hula hoop free. With every book, you get a hula hoop. Well, we bought a hula hoop from the supermarket and it's in a little box like that. I thought, well, you get a hula hoop free. With every book, you get a hula hoop. Well, we bought a hula hoop from the supermarket, and it's in a little box like that. I thought, well, on earth.

And it came out in sections. Is it self-assembly, then? I know, but it's very good. It's only about 15 quid. From which supermarket? You cannot say. I don't think I can say what supermarket. Can you mouth it?

I could if I could remember it. But if I just go, you'll be polite and think you got it. Yeah, got it. Got it. But a hula hoop it's it's the thing for 2010 yeah i really want to i really want to get more into it they mean it to do that yeah i'm thinking we could do a charity we could do a sport relief we've got every absolute listener lined up somewhere on hamster teeth hula hooping that'd be brilliant let's do that yeah okay you you're with me on that, Tim? Yeah. OK, well, I don't want to put you into a corner on air, as it were. So go and see Tim's show at the Soho Theatre starting...

9th of February. 9th of Feb. Buy his book, which has the longest title ever. Do you want me to say it again? No, don't say it again. It's Tim Key's book. You'll be able to track it down. And that's it. Tim, it's been lovely having you on. It's been lovely to see you. Thanks for having me.

Sorry for snubbing you well I think the wound is healed it seems healed you seem a lot happier about it yeah I think I started off in

that's what he does he'll pretend but really he'll be moaning about you when you leave no no I'm feeling better my memory of Tim now is this jovial chap

on the show chatting a bit it's not that chap that just walked past me like I was dirt did I spit on you I can't remember whether I spat I don't think it I spit on you? I can't remember whether I spat.

Not deliberately, no. You were goshing from virtually every orifice. Tim Key. Absolute. Radio. Florence and the Machine. Yes. And she's been on a lot over Christmas.

Insert your own montage of the year over this track. Yes. It's gone the same way as Let Me Entertain You. More overexposed than David Tennant, who has been very overexposed, I have to say. Apparently he's been on the BBC 75 times this Christmas, and that doesn't include when he rides the TARDIS pulled by reindeer in that advert.

That's ridiculous. He was good in Hamlet, though. He was very good. I remember I used to be a teacher at one time we're not proper qualified teacher but i i used to just turn up at people's houses now i used to teach the college of fe and i i was teaching hamlet as for a level english and i bet you've been quite a good teacher thanks and i got involved um in a car accident. I basically pulled out in front of somebody, and we had a car crash. And it became apparent that he wasn't insured, this bloke.

But I remember I said, look, I couldn't help it. I only pulled out a little bit. You sort of swerved. He said, I didn't swerve. You pulled out right in front of me. And his wife, who was sitting in the car, wound down the window. She said, he's right. You did pull out in front of him.

And I'd just been teaching and I said, oh, how all occasions do inform against me. And he said, look, there's no need to inform anybody. It's a very strange, mixed up Shakespeare and normal conversation experience. Anyway, so that's what happened.

Can I read out a text, which I think shows me in a very good light that I'm prepared to read this text out. Okay. Really enjoy your eclectic playlist, Frank. Believe it or not... I'm not eclectic. Believe it or not, Grumbling Emily, people tune in to Absolute to not have to listen

to the usual mainstream garbage, and I'm now a Fall fan thanks to this show. Postman Paul, Belfast. That is the best. What a start to the usual mainstream garbage, and I'm now a Fall fan thanks to this show. Postman Paul, Belfast. That is the best. What a start to the... Why are you saying that? That makes me so happy. Another Fall fan.

I think if you could make a new Fall fan every day, you would turn this country into a much, much better place. Well, there you go, much better place. Well, there you go, Postman Paul. I'm sorry. I was wrong. Yeah. Oh, that's very good. Not often I say that. No. Can we tape? Can you get me that for a jingle? Now, as you know, we started Garrett's endless story of his childhood recently. Oh, God. There were trees.

Yeah, we're going to make that... We're going to do a bit every week, I think. I think it's going to be like the mousetrap. Where is he now? Are you in Slough? Just so I know. No, we're on the way. No, we're going to Windsor.

Oh, Windsor. Oh, Windsor. That's a bit nicer. So, OK, so he's pushed his brother out of a tree and now he's on his way to Windsor with his other... His surviving brother. If you get yourself an A to Z of the Windsor-Slow area, you can follow our route on the

map. I think they'll put a map on the Absolute website with the tree. Be like Lord of the Rings. Exactly, yeah. Be like Lord of the Flies. Yeah, Taz, with children being pushed out of trees, that's absolutely dreadful. I'm, what about this? I'm drawing

the fourth round of the FA Cup tomorrow. You're not. Do you get to hold the silky bag? I get to hold the silky bag and don't say a thing. Yes, I get to pull the ball's head. Where is it? Gareth, I'm telling you. Can I come and watch you with the silky bag?

You can't come and watch me. It's for boys. Yes, me and Paul Elliott are going to draw the false round at the FA That means every time I take a ball out of that bag that will mean that people will have to travel from Portsmouth

to Sunderland, they'll have to book babysitters, hire cars get their coach tickets footballers will have to be driven to stay at certain hotels just because of the ball I pulled out the bag At last, I'm running the world! OK, so look, it's been a lovely show. It's been an odd show.

To be honest, I'll be absolutely straight. I think I'm funnier at 8 o'clock than I am at 10. Why do you say that? Put a downer on it when we've had a really nice time. By the way, whatever you're wearing tomorrow for the draw, don't wear that. Thanks very much. I'm just going to wear a very large velvet bag. I think that would be sort of infitting, isn't it? And what I put in it will be my business.

Absolute Radio. So that was the show, and it was actually much, much better than I thought. In fact, it was brilliant. So that's great. And now we've got our special bonus bit. And this is... Can I set up a new reader star here? Yes.

Oh, yes. The story so far. Yeah, I mean, I know you've just heard this in the podcast, but just in very brief terms, Gareth and his two brothers in a tree when they were children, Gareth and his two brothers in a tree when they were children. Gareth and his brother Joel push the other brother. Josh, no, me and... Oh, yes, no, that is right.

Oh, God. Oh, I've ruined it already. Yes. Two of the brothers, including Gareth, push the other brother out of the tree. When they realise their terrible crime, they run away, walking over his still-simpering body and head towards windsor there's somewhere near slough possibly an industrial estate i don't know but that's the winter is your gran's house yeah yes no cousin's house in wind that's the queen that's

the gran who's got a house at winter of course i forgot my gran lived in slough yeah you're always close to an industrial okay so as you join us Gareth and his brother are running down a dirt track. Behind them is the fallen brother calling for help. Ahead of them, the cousin's house. Well, the really big problem with this journey was that you have to walk along the relief road, which is quite a busy road. It's basically like a motorway where there isn't a path you're not supposed to walk along so it was two young boys walking along the side of a very busy road i'm surprised nobody called the police or something well maybe they did and the police said oh sorry we're dealing with these kids fell out of a tree you know i mean we're in slayer we don't have that those kind of resources. Let them walk.

And it was one of those things where it seemed like such a good idea. A bit like high-rise housing. Yeah, that sort of thing. Where it dawns on me that, you know, is there a happy ending to this story? Because my parents are going to get worried. When I arrive at my cousin's house it's probably not going to be the welcome i'm expecting we're not going to be held as heroes

and i was the older brother as well so we're basically when we got there we were met by shock and confusion i mean personally i'll be happy if there's an ending of any time where are we now on the central reservation somewhere? We've arrived at the Cousins. Where do the Cousins live? They live in Windsor. Nice house? We've got to symbolise. Since it's a radio play, symbolise Windsor in some way.

Oh, Sid! There you go. It's by... Nice house? How many bedrooms? I think it was a three-bedroomed house. Nice. Done well for themselves? Yeah. They moved somewhere nice. So you arrived?

Yeah. And someone phoned ahead, the older brother lying at the trunk. I can't remember if they'd phoned ahead or if they were just surprised, didn't know where we were going. But my mum and dad were very worried. I was the older brother, so I was responsible and I'd led Joel astray. I got into the majority of the trouble. I think it's the naughtiest thing I've ever done.

Really? I think that was it. And the fallen brother, did he break anything? He was in physio for some years. No, he was fine. Some children found him and they put a string through him and hit some other fallen children.

Sir Isaac Newton formed some theories around what happened. Well, there you go, every cloud. What do you think your most naughty ever moment was? Can I just establish, is the anecdote over? Yeah, that's it. I wish I had some music to hand, but I can't. What about... Yeah, that's the naughtiest thing you ever did

was push your brother out of a tree. It's not very like you. You seem a gentle person. Yeah. Well, it wasn't so much the pushing the brother out of the tree. No-one cared about that, really. Oh. It was the straw that broke the camel's back

of a bigger naughtiness, but the taking my younger brother along the side of a very busy road. And how old was the younger brother? Probably a couple of miles. I recognise about ten, Joel's probably seven or eight. Oh, OK. Nine, maybe.

Yeah, you overstepped the mark, I don't think there's any question about that. What I did is I had the next-door neighbour's daughter, who was about four. Oh, I don't like the sound of this. Well, it's not, you think. She was standing, we used to have these, what we used to call palings, which was like, you know, they're sort of sticks joined by wire

that makes a fence. You know what I mean? Absolutely not. We never had anything of the sort. It used to be a Monty Python. Sticks joined by wire. It used to be a Monty Python. Anyway, it was a council house. So we had this fence in between the houses, in between the gardens. And this girl from next door stood on the fence. And I was about five.

And I said, get off the fence. And she said, no, it's our fence as well. I said, no, it's our fence. And she said, no, because it's both our gardens. So I picked up what we used to call a half-ender, which is an enormous brick. And I stood about three feet

away from her and threw it at her face. Frank! And there was a terrible explosion of blood and she fell off the fence, started screaming. I started screaming in a terrible panic. And, um, boy did I get into trouble. And I thought screaming in a terrible panic. And, um, boy, did I get into trouble.

And I thought I could have killed her. And had I have killed her when I was five, that would have changed. I don't know if Absolute would employ me now if I'd killed someone when I was five. I think that goes beyond naughty. I think that's borderline. Um, good day to you all. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio.