The Frank Skinner Show - Guest: Tim Vine

Episode Date: May 15, 2010

This week Frank is joined by Gareth and Laura Solon (Emily is on her hols). Tim Vine is the guest, who shares a love of The Fall, Elvis and puns with Mr Skinner.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. OK, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Gareth and I'm with... Hey, hold on a minute.

That's Laura Solon, the award-winning comedian. Good morning. Good morning. Emily, our regular host. This is going to be bad news for the guys who watch on the webcam. How dare you? No disrespect, but she just does the show in lingerie on a regular basis. Yes, Emily is in Mauritius. It's going to be bootalicious in Mauritius.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So, good morning, Laura. Good morning, Frank Skinner. And thanks for helping us out. And Emily will listen to this at some point, just to check how good you were. Okay. So don't be too good or

you'll break a heart okay that's all i'm saying i don't know you're gonna be good today or very good gareth um i'm gonna go for very good oh that's good we've had a text straight off the bat today morning frank just wanted to say you were on fire last night on tv no that was a greek policeman oh that's uh thanks for that's lovely that's from baz driving up the m1 to see my boys for the week are you allowed to text when you're driving up the m1 bath um oh well now we've started with controversy i'll tell you something happened to me this morning it's about 20 past seven i was as funny as i've ever been in my whole life. And I continued to be funny till about 7.38. Then I dropped to the

floor with a massive nosebleed. And I think that might have gone for it. If only, if only that had happened sometime after 7 o'clock we would have had absolute radio gold. I say radio gold because what we actually got this week was Radio Silver.

Which, we were at the Sony Awards. Yeah. You weren't there, Laura. No, I wasn't at all. We can't just bring in stand-ins. I mean, for God's sake. And we were very excited that we were going to win the big award for Best Entertainment Show,

but we didn't. No. But Johnny Vaughan won it, and I really liked Johnny Vaughan, so you know what? I felt okay about it. I also felt OK about it, because I think the award was given, I think it was about 11 and a half hours into the ceremony,

by which case I wouldn't have cared if they'd have brought in three tigers and released them into the room. So I wasn't that bothered about it. Well, you were on your third nosebleed by then. I know, yeah. I don't know what's happening with me, actually. And I find also my hat size has gone down three and a half. Do you think my brain could be

dissolving? Leaking. Something's going on there. Anyway, we won the silver award for best... For that second, that's nearly as good as gold. I'm calling it best loser. Yeah. Well, we talked about how I never win anything. No, no well i think you were probably the

bad luck charm you were our jonah i say you were our judge you did keep trying to throw me overboard yeah if you find i'm squinting at you by the way i i sat before the show i arrived at the absolute studio it was golden square london a large conurbation in the southeast of england and i sat and where i sat was nice and you know it was fine and and then the sun came out and i was completely dazzled in my in my conversation we just took you know we look at the papers and that in the morning i was completely dazzled but i i didn't move for some reason i didn't move and now i can barely see either of you got a retina damageina damage. Yeah, I sat in bright... I've even got those things, you know those creases around your eyes

when you've been sunbathing, and there's, like, white, white laughter lines around your eyes? I've even got... Why didn't I move? I've actually got a blinding headache now from sitting, facing straight into the sun like a cat, like some sort of paralysed cat that's gone there to slumber and then he's stuck. Well, as I was leaving the Sony Awards... Oh, I like this. This is a bit...

This is a bit of a funny thing happened to me on my way to the theatre. As I was leaving, I ran into Simon Mayo, who is one of my... What do you drive? He's one of my radio heroes. I like his show with Mark Kermode. I also wanted to talk to Adam and Joe, but I didn't. How many other radio presenters have surnames that are also condiments? Ian Ketchup. I don't know.

Norman Pickles. Louise Pepper, actually. You might not know. She's more of a producer. You know Louise Pepper, Emma? Emma knows everyone in radio. Can I point out, by the way, that Emma, our producer You might not know. She's more of a producer. You know Louise Pepper? Emma? Emma knows everyone in radio. Can I point out, by the way, that Emma, our producer, won a gold. She won a proper gold

award. And I have to say, didn't come back to our table. She shook the dust off her feet. She did, didn't she? In a fabulous, old, biblical fashion. She won a gold for, what was it called emma absolute blur absolute blur which was a documentary about oasis bad photography yes yeah it was it was a documentary

documentary about uh going blind anyway i went up to simon mayo and said hello i think you're brilliant i really like your show with mark kermode. And he said, are you all right, mate? Had he got you by the throat? Yeah. And he said, oh, thank you. I like your show as well. He never said that. He said that.

That's what you say at the sound. This isn't it, Laura? I say that to everyone. Yeah. I love your show. I don't think Simon Mayer would tell a lie. No. No, well, I agree with that, actually.

I think he's a basic and honest man. I see it more as politeness. And Chris Evans hosted the evening. And I tell you what it made me realise is how jokes slow things down. Because he rattled through, didn't he? And it made me feel... It made me feel my whole life...

My whole life would have been much brisker if only I didn't have a sense of humour. That's the morning! We should congratulate Christian O'Connor, by the way, who did win a proper gold Sony Award for Best Competition. Which was

who's calling Christian, of course. And also Richard Dawkins, who got silver for who you call in a Christian. He's rather confrontational quiz, which I don't like myself. I find it

smarmy in the extreme. Our guest is Tim Vine today. He was a very, very funny comedian. The King of the Pond, I think we can call him that. Yes. So, looking forward to that. Pond King. Pond King. Pond King. Peaches Geldof Yes. So, looking forward to that. Punking. Punking. Punking.

Punking. Oh, you. Peaches Geldof was in the papers this morning. I think it was you that spotted this, wasn't it? I could not spot it. Well, I spotted it, but I didn't mention it. Oh. Oh, yeah, that old one.

What does that make me? Yeah, that's like, that's what Ferdinand de Magellan's of America, isn't it? After Columbus got all the, oh, yeah, I just saw it. That's what Ferdinand de Magellan of America is named after Columbus got all the... Oh yeah, I just saw it. I didn't think it was worth even talking about. Yeah.

I think it was Ferdinand de Magellan. I don't know. I'd get them mixed up, the brothers. It's Magellan. Magellan or Magellan. Let's call the whole thing Discoverer. Yes. So yes, Peaches Geldof is in the where is she at

she's at she's in Hollywood I think she's at a do yes she's at a do there's no question but I'm going to find I'm going to find the picture

on the internet it's on the internet but I think there's something wrong with my computer yes it says the headline I've got is hanging out at the peach. Doesn't quite work.

I think Tim Vine could probably come up with a better one. We'll ask him that, shall we? Hanging out at the peach. And we won't have this as a phone-in because it's a nip-slip item is what it is. A nip-slip? You know, they're called nip-slips. And she's got a... Not a very nice dress on, really, as far as I can tell.

But it's one of those... The top of it has an element of donguerie. A donguerie top, I'm calling it. And she's wearing no bras here. I think you can guess the rest, ladies and gentlemen. You can see her boobie. Oh, don't say that. You can see 90% of her boob.

No, two people have said it. It's 18 minutes. What is it? Yes, it's 19 minutes past eight in the morning. There are children now saying to their parents, boobie, what's that? The ma. Children know what boobies are.

They don't. Yeah. Not in our house. I must let them out of that cupboard. So, she's a strange, she's a socialite according to this article. Not in our house. I must let them out of that cupboard. So, she's a strange... She's a socialite, according to this article. Is that one of the tribes of Israel? I believe it is.

That would account for the strange... Is that her official job? Yeah, she's a socialite. I think she's a model, to be fair. She looks a bit like Jordan on this picture, but with a thinner head. If you can imagine if Jordan's head was caught in lift doors... I had done that many times.

..and kept there for maybe two weeks till the skull started to elongate. That's what she looks like. I'm not saying she's not attractive, but that's what she looks like. She looks... If Jordan had fallen into the Thames and been dragged out after, say, two to three days... She's even washed up on the shore. That's what she...

What a lovely way of describing a young lady. She even looks like she's entwined in weed because of her tattoo. A net, a fisherman's net. Yeah, but she's got spiralling leaves going up her legs and stuff, as if she's been rescued. Maybe that's the look. But as you pointed out, Laura, she looks very much like either Eugenie or Beatrice, the princesses.

Yeah, she looks a bit like them, face-wise, not boob-wise. No, I've never even... I don't think the royals... She looks a bit like... I don't know the royals... She looks a bit like... I don't know why, only because I saw a recent picture of one of the royals running the marathon. Yes. And I thought they look a bit similar.

Yeah, I don't know what they're up to, Beatrice and Eugenie. They haven't really joined in with the tabloid world, have they? But I like their big royal faces. I think there's something... I like that, though. There's something... They're generous. Yeah, they seem... Generous faces. I warm to them when I see faces. I think there's something... I like that, though. There's something...

Generous. Generous faces. I warm to them when I see them. I love... It reminds me of the carnival when I was a child and people would wear enormous papier-mâché heads, sort of grotesque, grotesque, enormous heads. And as a child, I wasn't afraid of those.

I saw them as something, they brought joy when they came to our town. Got faces that would look good in an oil painting. Yeah. Royalty needs to look good in an oil painting. And they'd say, can you just make the head a little bit smaller? A royal face.

Well, Peaches, as I believe she's known, is... That's her name. Yeah, she's got a lot of excess flesh at the armpit. I'm guessing that her arms are telescopic in some way. There seems to be extra skin there that she could reach maybe 20 to 30 feet if she needed to. It's because she has to be dragged out of pubs a lot and clubs. Still holding on to the bar.

Under the arms. People have to drag her out under the arms. Oh, my sin, there's padding, there's extra padding. Yeah, that's what it's for. She's evolved. That's wonderful. Well, once again, if Richard Dawkins is listening, it turns out he was absolutely right.

Absolute. Radio. I've received an email from Rob Walsh. All right. And it says, I've just been to the recording of Frank's TV show and thought Gareth was really funny. Oh.

Just a minute. Just a minute. What kind of, what manner of a review is that? I went to Mallorca for my holidays and I thought Spain was... I have to concentrate on the positives. I particularly found his fridge song catchy. Is there any chance the listeners could have a sample? Well, you can certainly have a sample.

In fact, the bottle's in the post. Anyone else wants to come and see Gareth, why don't you come to my TV show? Oh, well, that's fine. I do like the fridge song. It's really very excellent indeed. Thank you. But the thing is, if you do it on here,

if you did it on here, it would then be podcasted and then it would be in the hands of everyone. You'd never make any money out of it. No, well, I think that's a given. Yeah. Actually, I think it's a marmoset. Sorry, a small monkey just went past the window.

I don't think it was a gibbon. It could have been. I can't even see it now. I finished my recordings this week, so at some point... Are you releasing an album? An EP, yes. An EP. He's released a gibbon.

I think it's already got out of its own... I don't think it was a gibbon. You put that idea in my head. It was a marmoset. They can tell by the ears. It's Piccadilly, so it probably was a marmoset. Hmm. Is it Piccadilly?

Or have you said that because you want to sound all London on the radio? Oh, it's Piccadilly and now I'm mistaken, Mr Holmes. Someone thought Russell Brand had come in and got a bit overexcited. So, speaking of pets and animals, Laura, you have a bird of prey. A dead bird of prey. I purchased it.

I thought that was an interesting necklace. I purchased an owl from the European taxidermy champion. Gold medal. Gold medal. Yeah, and an owl from the European taxidermy champion gold medal gold medal is it a speed thing I don't know how they judge it

I don't know how you get on the podium I don't know whether it's like to the original bird or whether it's speed I'm guessing that three taxidermists go on stage and then animals are released and then it's how quickly

it can get through the whole process with just a pen knife and sand yeah and some sellotape but you have to have a licence for it that's the law to be a taxidermist I think that's fair no to have to own certain pieces of taxidermy bats, dormice

and owls to own a dead animal you have to have a licence yeah I think it's to check that they're not just certain pieces of taxidermy. Bats, dormice and owls. To own a dead animal, you have to have a license? Yeah, I think it's to check that they're not just going around, you know, there's not some kind of dodgy taxidermist going around just killing rare species and selling them. Well, I think that's good that that's checked upon. But you have to have the license, not me. Yeah, I have to be licensed to owl.

OK. And you have the owl already. I've got to licensed to OWL. Okay. And you have the OWL, right? I've got the OWL. I just need this certificate that I can send off and get the license. Why have you got a stuffed owl? What is it for? Just general use. More company than anything.

I'm putting it in my next show, in my next comedy show. I want it stuffed down. But is that just to make it tax-deductible? Yeah. No, it's to make it tax deductible yeah no it's to make it taxidermical i want i don't have a collection of anything so i'm gonna start without a stuffed rabbit and now oh really so i could have a museum of limited natural history if my comedy career goes wrong i have the head and shoulders of an impala. A lot of women have told me that. I didn't know they used something.

Is it called Vlad? It is called Vlad, yes. And it's on a plaque on my... I mean, not the whole thing, but it's the... What would you call it? Because they don't have shoulders, do they? Withers. They're called withers. Are they called withers? No. What, the shoulders of an impala are called withers? Well, horses have withers they're called withers are they called withers no what the shoulders of an impala

are called well horses have withers oh yeah saying animal parts um i don't know what it's what it is um anyway um that's what i have and i i i have that because a friend of mine went to america moved to america and she said to, will you look after my Impala? Because I can't, I'll never get it, I won't be able to take it abroad. Because at customs they'll demand to see the license for it. And I thought she was messing around.

Yeah, it is a very strange phenomenon. She had two bats sent by eBay, two stuffed bats in a frame, and when it arrived, it was broken. Imagine her dismay. And she put it down, and the cat ate both of them.

Wow. Yeah, I think we'll leave you on that story. That's a bit... I think I'll take things down a bit. So the phone-in is Laura going to prison for not having an owl licence. Well, I think the phone- is, what happens if you don't have an owl licence? I think you have to carry it with you at all times. What, the owl? And the licence.

You'll be some sort of Long John Silver. The sort of, the night shift for Long John Silver as an owl instead of a parrot. Absolute Radio. We were talking about the love between...

Have we had any texting on 8-12-15, by the way? On 8-12-15, I say? We had. We had one saying, Try Amerigo Vespucci re-being the first to spot America from Pete and Albury. Oh, they think Amerigo Vespucci. Amerigo. Amerigo. Yeah. Ameri... Yes.

I think he didn't even marry um sally round and become amerigo around that was rubbish can i withdraw that no and a man doesn't take the woman's name usually they did then silly did they yes in 16th century spain they did oh didn't know that actually sounds italulous. Actually, he sounds Italian. I think he went by Scooter. Oh, that's good then. So, Americo Vespucci, that's our current term. I think there was a theory that the Chinese or someone...

Was it the Chinese who discovered him? That can't be right, can it? No. Also, we had another email. Okay. It says, Chris Evans, more listeners than Wogan, from Greg. Oh, that's a bit of a retort, isn't it? Yeah. Well, I another email. Okay. It says, Chris Evans, more listeners than Wogan, from Greg. Oh, that's a bit of a retort, is it? Yeah.

Well, I think so. Okay. Adolf Hitler, more followers than Mahatma Gandhi. Fair? That's true. Hitler did once say that a thousand blockheads do not make one intelligent man. Yeah.

He was at Legoland, land i think when he said that he came up with a lot of lego based quotes he's always he was a great builder so um yes if you've got anything you want to text us about on 8 12 15 because and we just we just you know we love you we were talking about you know when you be when you go out with someone or you live or even marry someone um see i've put in now the verb live as if you live someone which of course you don't you live with them but it got too complicated in the middle of the sentence i thought i'll keep i'll keep running i'll forget i think if you hadn't flagged it up people wouldn't have noticed yeah but you'd be surprised i don't want them to think i haven't noticed that's that's what i don't i'd rather i'd rather drag myself down and have some smart alec think he didn't

even know he did that well i did do it get over it um so so when people like for example i'll give you the i think the ultimate example is i i knew a child i used to um teach this course for the long-term unemployed um and this guy turned up, and he was talking about at home. He said his wife ate her meals wearing industrial ear protectors. Wow. Because she couldn't stand the noise he made when he ate. And he wasn't joking. It made me realise what goes on behind closed doors,

as I think charlie rich once asked you know after that course i used to walk down the street i used to look at every front door and think no one knows what goes on every home is a secret world with its own rules and norms it's that thing about when you really like someone and really get on with them like you you deeply love them but you can also be deeply irritated by them like my closest friends really annoy me yes well both of them yeah well one of them's been dead since 1997 have you got a license for him yet by the way i might find him a brooding presence on that armchair, personally.

You leave him alone. OK. I wouldn't want to wait to hear him. My mate Tom, who is my best man, he can go to sleep anywhere at any time. He can just go straight off to sleep. Is he narcoleptic? No, I don't think so. I think he's just able to just go to sleep at any point.

And this really gets on my nerves, partly because I share a room with him quite a lot. Do you find it tends to coincide with any anecdotes? With you being around him? Yeah. When a Gareth-dote is told. Is he really sleeping? I've seen... I've seen one of Gareth's anecdotes take down a bolting horse at 150 yards.

It just dropped to the ground. Absolutely. So, you know, I have my... So, should we call him Sleeping Tom? Should we call him Sleeping Tom? That's what I'm asking. Sleeping Tom, do you... Are you getting it?

Yes. Yeah, that's a good pun. Yeah. And you hate the fact that he couldn't sleep. Yeah, and he would just go to sleep at any point. And I find it really difficult to get to sleep, so that's annoying. It is annoying.

And I would just look at him asleep and just hate him they're smug people are asleep if the people who can sleep on planes I could never sleep on planes anyone who sleeps on planes is intensely annoying I find the wings slippery do you know Gareth has wings yeah he's um yes uh I my my girlfriend has a habit of leaving this really annoying thing. I don't even know what the technical term is, but what are those elasticated circles that women put around their hair in order to construct a ponytail? Hair bands. Yeah, but hair band is like a hard structure, isn't it, with a click?

That's a hair band. Oh, it is. It's like a little elasticated circle. They're all over the flat, those things. All over the flat. Maybe she's trying to cover up rings from tea mugs that she's left around the flat. That's a good idea.

Which is a more annoying habit. So what she's doing is leaving them so you won't notice the stain. She must be leaving tea mugs on the bed as well. They're everywhere. And they've all got a bit of hair in them. Always a bit of hair. As if my world has got all these

hairy holes into the universe. Hairy holes. Oh, hairy holes. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You can text us on 81215. We've had a text already

from, well, it says, Good morning, Frank, Laura, Gareth. We've had a text already from um well it says good morning um already the show is the show is 50 minutes already is it that desperate that we can still use the word already it's actually an email it's from nick in detroit i always know it's in detroit nick in south detroit from that it's only more like detritus. Those hair thingies are called scrunchies if they have some thick material on them. The plain elastic bands are called plain elastic bands.

They're not called plain elastic bands. Scrunchie is one of those that has quite a lot of material. Yes, they're an 80s thing, scrunchies. They're not seen so much these days. Well, I don't know, but the ones that my girlfriend uses, they have material, they're not just an elastic band, but they are... They're not elastic bands.

That would be a bit sad if your girlfriend had to use elastic bands to tie her hair back. If I found elastic bands all over the house, I would think there was wads of ready cash being... Well, she's practising to make a really big elastic band ball. Yeah, I don't't know that's a bit 80s as well isn't it could be a postman if they're those red ones um they're not they're those things that women put around yeah it's got to be a proper name hair bands or hair ties or hair bands that's

what they're called can't be a hair tie a hair tie something you'd have to tie and they obviously don't have to tie that don't be ridiculous laura and do you think i've asked you on here to be ridiculous well that's i suppose in one respect that's my job and you think I've asked you on here to be ridiculous? Well, I suppose in one respect I have. That's my job and you get off my territory. You're not supposed to be ridiculous. You're supposed to be slightly absent-minded. Did you forget? That's your special power.

Yeah, it is. If you were a superhero... Slightly absent-minded, man. You'd be not there, man. I didn't like that pause, you see. That's why we only got the silver in the 70s. Don't blame not there, man. I didn't like that pause, you see. That's why we only got the silver in the Saturdays. Don't blame not there, man. I say that's why we only got the silver. I'm silver, hooray!

That's what they said when they announced our award. With galloping. They added galloping. They didn't just... Yes. OK. See what we haven't done this morning. That's the morning!

Oh, that's much better, isn't it? OK, so, look, we were talking about things that... You're married, Laura. I am married. I've been married for... Oh, over a year. I've been together with my husband for ten years, but married for... Well, you haven't been together with your husband

since I've been with your husband for... No, I do. Does he have annoying habits? He takes really long to order in restaurants, which really annoys me. But I think I probably do more annoying things to him because I work from home and I think that the person who doesn't work from home

is intensely annoyed by the person who works from home because they leave less. Oh, yeah, and you're still in your PJs, I suppose. Yeah. Also, when I open letters or post i i leave them where i've just opened them so there's like a paper trail and he refers to it in public he says laura leaves piles of crap around the flat which you know that's that misconstrued so you open a letter and then you leave that exactly where you've opened it i like that

there's a historical element so you'll always know where you open that letter and then you leave that exactly where you've opened it. I like that. There's a historical element. You always know where you open that letter. I know exactly. It's where I last saw it. Like, I leave it. I think, right, I've opened that. I'll deal with that in a minute. I leave it there.

So it's just covered in paper or tiny flat. Because only the other day I opened a premium bonds receipt. I'd won £25. Don't congratulate me. The moment's gone. But, you see, what I did is The moment's gone. You see, what I did is I pocketed that. I think, well, I'll deal with that later.

And now looking back, I can't quite remember when in the flat I opened that. You know when people say, where were you when Kennedy died? Well, I know that. But when people say to me, where were you when you opened that? Grassy Knoll. Grassy Knoll Grassy knoll.

I was out with him. He's a nice bloke, but full of chlorophyll. We've had an explosion on the text already. Oh, God, I wonder what that was. It's called a bubble. Another one,

they're called hair bubbles. Bubbles? Mike from Birmingham, they're called bobbles. They can also be called... It's called hair bobble, Frank, all around my house too. Why are they all from men? Glenn and Lincoln, they are called bobbles. Oh, God. Guys, they're called bobbles.

Men are quite annoyed by this. I don't think they're all called hair bobbles. Are they all from men, these things? It's a hair go-go, Frank. Hair go-go, I know, I think. It's a hair go-go. It's a hair go... They're not called hair go-go. It's a hair go-go, Frank. A hair go-go? Yeah. It's a hair go-go? It's a hair go-go. They're not called hair go-go.

It's a hair go-go, it's a hair bobble, it's a scrunchie. Hair bound. This is like what's called my bluff. I don't think there's a word for them. I think we should invent one. No, I like, but clearly it is bobbles. Why would everyone keep sending in bobbles? Because a bobble is like a round thing, like a bobble hat.

It's only a bobble if it's got a bobble in it. But a bobble hat is a round thing. In whose house? No, I'm going with that. We know what they're called now. They're called bobble. Someone's put a sign in that says moving. Is that because I've been moving or I've stopped moving?

Or are we talking about... You know, Russell Crowe got interviewed this week by Mark Lawson and he said, with the accent that you use for Robin Hood, it's a little bit Irish, isn't it? And Russell Crowe said, You've got dead ears, mate. You've seriously got dead ears if you think that's an Irish accent. And Mark Lawson said, how do you mean dead ears?

My ears aren't in some way inanimate or are they are they are they x in some way are they should i refer to them as my late ears russell crowe got he got irate yeah anyway moving i'm guessing is the title of a song so i suppose i'm supposed to press that now because i drive the, but I do it by a series of written notes that say, play the next song, Idiot, and stuff like that. Well, they say Idiot since Emma won the Gold Award, and it's become rather too grand for this show. When I say too grand, that's how much she's demanding now.

Do, yo, be, go, go! Now, what's happened this morning is, you know, that something has got've just got completely out of control we had this we said wouldn't it be good to have a phone in about things you find annoying about your partner and we that would be absolutely rock the whole show so my thing that i found annoying was the fact that my girl leaves these little elasticated circular things just starts it all up again yeah so i thought this now people are sending loads of funny annoying things but no because i didn't know the name of it that the

phone in it now they've the people have decided that the phone in is what is the name of those elasticated things that girls make a ponytail with warwick on the way to devon scrunchies to hold hair martin from lisa called hair bubbles my girlfriend used to leave them around the house and she had a skinhead i later found out she is now with another Leeds they're called hair bubbles. My girlfriend used to leave them around the house and she had a skinhead. I later found out she's now with another woman and they were her hair bubbles. That's tragic. That reminds me of when a woman I was with

found an ankle bracelet in the bed. And I said I've told the cleaner loads of times not to leave stuff you know jewellery and that around the house. How would you accidentally leave an ankle bracelet? I know, I was imagining maybe she was dusting the light bulb, slipped, and as the friction of the ankle against the sheet

tore off the ankle with that ankle bracelet. Anyway, those were in my bad days. I like that you had a backstory, though. That's quite a commitment. Yeah, yeah, but i don't feel good about it so have we can we just decide what are they called those elasticated what is the tight elastic circle next to a ponytail don't answer that well wendy says hair bubbles used to have two plastic balls on them that's what they were called bubbles yeah this is i think back to your bubble hat

reference yeah i've somebody's i feel this is the kind of phone in that one might find on on like a on a radio show i suppose what i'm trying to say in the middle of the night in the middle of the night i've got walking in my sleep there's an elasticated circle which a ponytail in order is to keep right if you change you put... I'm going to change the syntax, but I've got to rhyme out of it in the end. I'm pleased with that. If you put hair bubbles into Google, a thing with bubbles on... If you do that, the whole machinery of your computer will become messed up.

There'll be hair, there'll be elastication, there'll be PIGGAR! There'll be all PIGGAR! The thing comes up with bubbles on. So a hair bubble is a thing with bubbles on. It's not with bubbles on. These are just elasticated circles.

I won't say it again. And if you've got a hair band in... All my life's an elasticated circle. You could bring out some elasticated... Frank Skinner merchandise, elasticated circles for ladies. I could bring out lots of things. If only it was the best in other people. Anyway, our guest is Tim Vine

today. Thank God, thank God, the comedy cavalry's turning up to rescue this hell of a show. Absolute. Radio. Magnificent. That was The Fall with Hot Cake. And Tim Vine has arrived. Hello, how are you? Hello, Tim. It's great

to see you. I'm a big fan of The Fool, actually. Are you really? Yeah, I am. Although I like their earlier stuff. Oh, you're one of those. You're what Marky Smith calls a look-back boar. Is that right? Yeah, he's quite resentful.

Look-back boar! Yeah, I'm a look-back boar! Yeah. I once saw him walking in Notting Hill, and I sort of scurried after him, trying to recite lyrics to him to make him think I was a proper fan. How did he respond?

I think he just went... That was him. It's definitely him. I think I said Eldridge House to him because I remember him once going, Eldridge House! in the song and I had no idea why he did it.

So I think I just went, Eldridge House! I wonder if he remembered that. I don't't think so you must get that all the time that specific thing yeah you know people shout out things like um i don't believe it at richard wilson they shout out eldridge house at marky smith can you take away my hot cake, please? So, Tim, what are you up to? You're a busy man always. Whenever I see you, I have three or four things on the go. Do I? Yeah.

Mind you, I've only seen you, I think, twice in my life, so that means I've only ever had three or four things on the go. Well, no, I can't... You probably did all the other times as well. Yeah, well, I've just been touring with a show called The Joke-O-Motive, which is kind of me doing lots of jokes, if you can imagine. Yes.

And I'm going to do it in Edinburgh. That's really, and I'm working on a joke book. That's kind of what's making up my... It's jokes mainly, isn't it? It's mainly jokes, yeah. Because you are, I think it's fair to say you are a joke machine. Well, I suppose... I don't mean that in a bad way.

I'm a human too. I have feelings. Oh, I know that. I know. I realise that, but... I did hear the Peaches thing on the way up here, and I thought, um... Pain in my nectareen.

I thought that might be it. You see, if ever the comedy work dries up, which I know it won't, you could walk into any tabloid and say... I've had two hours to think of that, in fairness. No, no, but... I think that's very good we were talking earlier that Peaches

Geldof had a nip slip incident I think incidents still work I see pain of an exorin is not really accurate as a description of what happened it's a general comment on her it has a pre-Raphaelite nature to it

which one doesn't hear applied to Peter's Geldof nearly enough, I always think. So there might be people, I know this is unlikely, Tim, who haven't seen your work. No, there'll be lots, yeah. No, I don't think there will, because a lot of comedy aficionados listen to this show. Right.

Could you explain the Tim Vine experience? It's quite unique, I think. Well, I tend to do lots of short jokes, so I kind of, as an example, you know, Velcro, what a rip-off. It's that sort of thing, over and over again. I find with you, though, the way it's timed is that my previous laugh has not stopped

when my next one started. Yeah, I've heard people say that they miss every other joke, which means they've got to come and see me twice, which is quite good, really. That's good, and they have to arrive slightly earlier. Yeah, that's right. They have to block their ears for the first joke. It'd be rubbish if you get onto that and just hear in the jokes of what have you heard. Yeah.

Some of my jokes make people miss every other joke. What do you mean? They walk out of the room, haven't they? No, like long for every other joke. Oh, I see what you mean. That was complicated. I needed a pencil and paper yeah i don't like jokes i need a pencil and paper with i've told you that before i want this is not about you i was sorry you're gonna

ask tim a question that's good sorry how do you write a joke um yeah could you tell him that well i tend to well with with um wordplay so i tend to work backwards but that's probably that's the way most people do exactly yeah i did that last that joke last night actually for someone said they were no what was it no it's a couple nights ago i was doing um a raffle or something and they said can i read out the results in reverse order? And so I did. It's the same joke, but with a different start. Yeah. I didn't say it was original. No, mine wasn't either.

Don't get, don't get. So, you know, as in I might hear a phrase like, I don't know, I heard a phrase like, serves him right, and I think to myself, a friend of mine's got a butler whose left arm is missing. Serves him right. Work back from the punchline. It can't be that easy.

I guess everyone would be doing it. The fact is, sometimes you hear a phrase like, I've heard the phrase, serves him right, my whole life, and yet, for some reason, it just suddenly dawned on me that there could be a different meaning to it recently. So it shows there's stuff out there that just reveals itself. Well, there's a lot of English language you haven't Well, hopefully, yeah. I do slightly

wonder whether I'm beginning to run out. Anyway. I mean now, I'm running out now. At this moment? I ran out at 7.42. 7.38. I was listening earlier on this morning and you said that you were extremely funny earlier on at 7.40. Appreciate.38. You know, you said I was listening earlier on this morning and you said that you were extremely funny earlier on at 7.40.

Yeah, pretty sure. I thought you were about to tell a story about something that happened then. No, no. That made you extremely funny. I was just telling, well... Oh, I see. You said something happened to me and I was extremely funny earlier on. No, I don't know.

When I said something happened to me... We were all gripped. No, I see. I thought something happened to me in a cosmic way and I became as funny as I've ever been in my life. But it was all off edge. Ah, I see. I thought you meant it was something happened to you. a cosmic way, and I became as funny as I've ever been in my life, but it was all off air. Ah, I see. I thought you meant it was something happened to you.

No, it wasn't. If I knew that, I could in some way recreate it and get that comedy back. I'm sorry I brought it up, because it's... No, it was my best ever stuff. Right. Off air, two people that were quite tense about going on the radio weren't even listening to me.

And it was pouring out of me, like windfall fruit dropping off a tree. Right. I wish you there too you'd have left your head off sounds great what i needed was an amanuensis what's that it's a person who writes stuff down for you that's very good secretary is that as good as amanuensis i don't anyway it's not about me. It's about Tim Vine, and we'll be back with more of him. Secretary, not my type. He can't stop. Absolute Radio. Tim Vine is with us in the studio. We love Tim Vine.

Thanks. Tim, you won Celebrity Mastermind. Yeah, well, I won the episode I was in. Yeah, they didn't go... You didn't sort of win it and then go to other heats. So, yeah, I beat four people. Who did you beat? Ian Lavender, Rick Wakeman and Phil Daniels.

Was it some sort of middle-aged men's special? That's what most television is, isn't it? And your specialist subject was Elvis Presley. It was Elvis Presley, yeah, yeah. Brilliant. I mean, I'd like to have a crack at that on the... Yeah, no. Try us on a question, Tim.

Try us one of your questions, see if I get it. OK, well, what was his last number one in America? Well, I think he went to number one way down after he died. Yeah, his last number one in America might surprise you. It was Suspicious Minds in about 1969, I think. So he didn't even have a number one after he died? No, not in America, no. What have you got to do to please these people?

And was that one of the ones you got right? That was one I got right, yeah. Oh, brilliant. But it's because, I mean, you get told what, I was reading this book called The Elvis Encyclopedia, which basically had details like June the 2nd, 1963, Elvis had a swim. It has absolutely everything in it.

I have that book. Do you? Yes, I own up. Yeah, me too. But they said they're going to get the questions from there. So in that case, she sort of revises that as a textbook. So it's probably fortunate that I wouldn't have known that particularly until I sort of looked into that.

No, but at least she worked at it. And it's a broad subject. Myling Klass did the second series of Sex and the City. That was her specialist subject. Really? I mean, Sex and the City, I'm allowed. But all you have to do is buy a box and you can do Mastermind.

That's true. I had all the Elvis films. Did you? Well, I mean, that was included. Yeah, exactly. That's more than the second series of Sex and the City right there, isn't it? Exactly. What was his character name in Jailhouse Rock? Was it Deet Rivers? No, it was Vince Everett. Oh!

Hey! I think Deet Rivers might have been Loving You. Yeah, maybe it was, yeah. I will spend... That was good, I thought. You're not going to play the rest of that record? Oh, that was you. That was me, that was actually me, just doing it with my mouse.

Oh, yeah. So, anyway, we're not here to talk about Elvis. But I got two questions, just before we move on from Elvis. I got two questions wrong. I'm worried about the listeners. No, that's true, yeah. But I got two questions wrong that I thought were trick questions, actually the most easy questions.

So one of them was, what was the name of the house he bought in Memphis for $100,000? Now, everyone says Graceland. Yes. And I said Audubon Drive. Oh, you got overly clever $100,000. Now, everyone says Graceland. Yes. And I said Audubon Drive. Oh, you got overly clever. Yeah, exactly. And another one was, which was the name of his manager

who got a deal in RCA? And obviously it was Colonel Tom Parker. Yeah. And I said Bob Neill. Which I think was his first sort of semi-half-manager DJ. I think it was, kind of, yeah, yeah. But you're right,

I can feel people tuning out to this conversation. Exactly. But, you know, to hell with them. Let them go and listen to Chris Evans if that's was kind of yeah yeah but you're right i can feel people tuning out of this conversation exactly but you know to hell with them let them go and listen to chris evans if that's the kind of stuff they want so um anyway chris evans i have to say obviously he's a very fine broadcaster he uh he hosted the sonys and he had a go at um he had a go at absolute for not having enough listeners can you believe that did he really It's all very well to sit on your ivory tail a bit on radio, too. Yeah.

It's quality, isn't it? It counts. Yeah, I totally agree with that. Back me up on this, Tim. Yeah, no, I agree with you. I won't plug your new joke book. I agree with you. I'll tell you what. You're writing a joke book at the moment. I am, yeah.

It's got to have a thousand of my jokes in it. It's the truth. Yeah, and I didn't want to use anything from the last two tours, either, the moment i am yeah it's got to have it's got to have a thousand of my jokes in it so uh yeah and i didn't want to use anything from the last two tours either so i've had to kind of go through my kind of back catalogue covered under the stairs with books full of stuff written in it and do you have a thousand jobs well i've now compiled it yeah i've compiled the thousand have you any idea how many jokes you've written well certainly a thousand but it's got to be more than that because you've got two whole shows you haven't even touched upon.

Yeah, yeah, it's a bit more than that, yeah, probably, yeah. But I did have to go scraping around for the thousand, I must say, I was getting VHSes. Don't say that, that's no way of plugging the book. No, no, I know. Do you know what? I went through some stuff that I thought, you know, a big selection of postcards

where I'd written jokes that, you know, didn't work live. I thought, I'll have some of those. Again, not the way to plug the book. You can't get heckled with a book, can you? You can't. You'll be quite delayed. Read your book. It's rubbish. You get that some days afterwards. It would be that pre-emptive heckling which is based on not buying it.

That's what I'm worried about. That's what I'm trying to steer you away from, Tim. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Tim Vine is with us. Yes, you know, I went to a football match

the other day and at the end they started doing martial arts. I said to Bert Lansbury, I said, what's going on? He said, there's two minutes of ninjury time. I thought it was time

for a joke. For me. Forgive me. So, really, if you've never seen Tim Vine, you should go. You're on Tuesday night. They can go and see you Tuesday night. Yes, but you know where that is. I'm not exactly sure where it is.

You don't know. You just, what happens? How do you get there, then? I've written, I think it's part of something called a Pentecost Festival. It is. Pentecost, that's the spirit. Yeah. So, I don't know quite where I am, but I think I'm doing jokes.

Well, look, Tuesday the 18th of May at the Metra Club and Bar in London as part of the Pentecost Festival. The Metra Club and Bar. You can go and see Tim. Now, Tim, I have a tendency to pawn. Yeah, I've noticed. As does Gareth. I mean, I can't stop it.

Some people are just wired that way, aren't they? Yeah, I think so, yeah. But what you actually probably have is that you have a tendency just to tell jokes, and it's just that some of them come out as puns, isn't it? Because, I mean, you do, don't you, have a tendency to tell jokes? Yeah, I know. Many people, these people, think, oh, I wonder when that happened. 7.38 this morning.

If only they'd been there, then. Well, yeah, but I do think there are some people, a lot of people, they sort of, they disparage the pun. Well, I think that most people, when they say them, well, in conversation, sometimes people say them as an apology, and it can be, they say, I've got a friend, actually, who occasionally

will chuck one in and then go, oh, sorry, sorry. And if you apologise immediately after saying something, then it's not going to get a laugh. No. It's encouraging a groan, isn't it? It is, yeah. You've got to front it out, I find. I've really had to front out my accent.

Well, you certainly, you front it out. I love that, though. Because you wear the pon proudly. I don't know what it is. I find myself apologising for pons. Why should the pon, of all forms of comedy, get that low status? I don't know. I've heard people

say sometimes with some puns it's just simply, all you get with some puns is just the wordplay. It doesn't create any image in your head. It's just simply you've twisted a word around and that's what people go like that for. Right. But it might be like John Cleese thing because he said no puns,

no puns, no puns. It was his three rules of comedy, wasn't it? Is that right? Yeah. He said no puns, no puns, no puns. It was his three rules of comedy, wasn't it? Is that right? Yeah, he said, no puns, no puns, no puns. Mine's puns, puns, puns. It's completely opposite. Well, you've flown in the face of John Cleese's advice. Well, there's something to do. Yeah, exactly. So, you've got the joke book, you're going to do Edinburgh.

You famously didn't do Edinburgh one year. Yes, and I put a big poster up, is that what you're saying? Yeah. An enormous billboard of you saying, Tim Vine, and then in small letters, will not be doing Edinburgh this year. Why did you do that? Well, because I was planning on going up that year, actually,

and the previous year, I'd seen that massive billboard, and Omid Jalili was up there, and I said to the guy who was promoting my show, I said, that's a massive poster. Please can I be on there next year? Can you bagsy me for that next year? It's so massive. I just thought it looked great.

Right. And so he kind of bagsyed it ahead of time. But you had to pay for it, did you? Well, yeah, I had to pay for it. Yeah, but I could have got out of it. But then once I bagsyed that, I said, well, let's keep it anyway, you know. Because it was just...

I just really liked the size of it. It was just so nice. But I never actually got up to go and see it. I've seen photos of time, I said, well, let's keep it anyway, you know. Because it was just so... I just really liked the size of it. It was just so nice. But I never actually got up to go and see it. I've seen photos of it, but I never... Because you weren't there that year. Well, I wasn't there. I suppose it would have spoiled it if I was. Spotted there, looking at the poster. Yeah, exactly. See, if that photo would be on the internet,

what a sham they would have thought you were. It was a great thing to do, though. So you'll be in Edinburgh this year for the whole thing? I will be, yeah. Where are you at? The Pleasance. Oh, that's lovely.

It's great, isn't it? So I very much recommend, if anyone's in Edinburgh or if they're in London this Tuesday, to go and see Tim Vine and you will laugh. Because I think the joke itself sometimes can be slightly denigrated. I agree. Three cheers for rap music, hip-hop. itself sometimes can be slightly denigrated. I agree. Three cheers for rap music.

Hip-hop? We're not going to follow that. So, thank you very much, Tim. It's lovely. I never even got a chance to ask you about the Lee Mack Darts tournament that he spoke about last time he was on. Yeah, but I don't think he did it this year. Unless I wasn't invited. I think it's just you and him.

Well, it's me and him who take it very seriously. Yes. We both, we stand, the two of us like shaking with nerves because it matters so much, and then other comics just going, what's the matter with those two? Well, I told him,

I told him I wanted to be in it, and he started questioning me about how often I played and stuff like that. You might get through a qualification. Yeah, exactly. He's very strict. Anyway, Tim, it's lovely talking to you. Go and see Tim Vine.

That's the morning! Ben Jones is on next. He's already next door and looking up for it. He's talking to our newsreader, Sean Alan Moy, who I must say sits the opposite side of me, listening to the show, never laughs ever. I always think that maybe Absolute put him there as a sort of a try harder tactic. Never laughs, never.

He's thinking about the news. He's thinking about serious things. He's thinking about the news. I know what he's thinking about. What happened to Neil Francis? That's what he's thinking about. No, they stick together. Don't worry about that. No, they stick together, don't worry about that. Anyway, it's Rolling Stones weekend on... Well, this weekend. You'll notice by the amount of Rolling Stones stuff I've been playing. In absolute terms, it's...

In absolute terms, the weekend is Sunday. And Mick Jagger is coming along. I imagine Ronnie Wood will have his man-ogs on. Mugs. He loves a man-ogs on. Mugs. He loves a man-og. It's nice to see them doing something again. I'm not saying he loves a man-hog. I'm not saying that bad.

I think we know what he likes, Ronnie. I like to be on the same station as Ronnie. That makes me proud. Anyway, I had a bit of a strange adventure last Saturday night. I went to see the Hollywood superstar and musical's queen, Julie Andrews, at the O2 Centre. Wow. Amazing. Yes.

Mary Poppins. Yes. I was hoping she would be flown in on an umbrella. I mean, you know, she's 74, but so what? No one would have looked up if that's what she was worried about. Not that kind of party. No. But she looked up if that's what she was worried about. Not that kind of party. No. But she didn't do that.

I went by boat with my manager, and he has his own boat. It's more of an elaborate barge. Oh, furious. And we got... Oh, there was a terrible mix-up on the way. I went to the stop, because it's like up and down the Thames, the River Thames, which runs through London.

Some of you may know, some of you may not. If you don't know what a hairband's called, you're hardly going to know that. Anyway, just had a text from my girlfriend saying, it's odd you said that thing about hairbands, because I can never find one. Isn't that what living together's all about? Anyway, we got to the boat place

and then where they stop and the man said the boat doesn't stop here um it stops on the other side of the river and we could see the boat there and it was like 30 seconds to go and i said that's it we missed we're going to miss julie andrews there was tears in my eyes i wouldn't say i was crying but they were in my eyes and the bloke said um well jump on i'll give you a lift and he turned this enormous boat yeah he was did i not mention he was a dolphin um anyway he turned the boat the boat he turned it right and it went across the river and the other boat he phoned across and the other boat waited for us it was great it's like being royalty And the people on the boat said,

we're going the wrong way, aren't we? We're going the wrong way. I thought you were pirates. Yeah, exactly. We thought that the Somalis had turned up. And we turned it round and we got that. They had to wait for us. And we got on that boat.

So that's very exciting. Anyway, we got to the O2. We got, we was in a, someone said to me, Lee's Taylor's in a box. Well, I thought it was a newsflash. But I thought, what a stone do I have put in here? Is that supposed to break me in? Anyway, she was in our

box. Liz Taylor was in our box. In a wheelchair. In a wheelchair, in a box. It was a Russian doll kind of. And she looked, I wouldn't say she's old, Liz Taylor. I say she's in a wheelchair, in a box. It was a Russian doll, kind of. And she looked... I wouldn't say... You know, she's old, Liz Taylor.

I say she's in a wheelchair, and her head slightly hangs to... It lolls. That's the word to one side. But she had a lovely brocade top on. A gown. And diamonds all over her. I mean, she was encrusted.

And as I say, also, there were lots of diamonds on her as well. So, of course, she said I was happy to just sit and look at her. I pulled up a chair next to the wheelchair, got some popcorn, settled down, and then her mind has moved me along. But she was there anyway. The show started, and the thing is with Julie Andrews,

she had an operation on her voice some years ago that didn't go that well. Botched, the word is. It was botched. Yeah. I don't know if that's been legally established, but I doubt if that surgeon listens here. And the top end of her voice has gone, is what happened.

So she sang Getting to Know You. You know, getting to know you, getting to know. So she went, getting to know you. Getting to know all about you. And it was like that. But she hardly sang at all. She had four terrible people from Broadway who did all the songs. And then the show ended. She said in the second half, great news.

Something new is what she said. Something new. She said, my daughter and I wrote a Chiltern's book. And the man here, the composer bloke at the back, the conductor, has written a fabulous score for it, and we will premiere Simeon's Gift. So the second half was this terrible, terrible... As in a monkey?

Not a Simeon gift. Now, Simeon, as in the name of a person. A name, Simeon's Gift. Not a Simeon gift like someone who can peel a banana with their feet. That would be a Simeon gift. I think that's what you're getting at. No, everyone had opposing thumbs. I'm not suggesting that wasn't the case.

But it was terrible. People were leaving. It was embarrassing, because Julie Andrews was just sitting in an armchair, watching it on stage and narrating bits. I've never seen an evening like it in my life. Had I had an English longbow, I would have taken

her out. And it was about 500 quid a ticket, and I didn't pay, obviously, me and you know, and I went home. I missed the boat, I went home on Lizzie's lap. And I have

to say, as cushions go, it was like a bag full of dead sparrows. Was there nothing positive in your evening? Nothing. You got to sit next to Liz Taylor. Well, you know, yeah. But if they're in a wheelchair, that doesn't even count as sitting next to them, really.

They're in a form of transport. That doesn't count. Anyway, that's my story. Went well in here. Sean, Alan, Moy, nothing. Next call. Anyway, Ben Jones is on next. And this is the last song, obviously, because Ben Jones is on next.

Thank you very much, Laura, for sitting in today for Emily. It's a pleasure. And it's lovely to see you. And we'll all be back next week with Madame, if she gets back from Mauritius. Good day to you. Absolute Radio.