The Frank Skinner Show - Guest - Toyah Wilcox

Episode Date: March 13, 2010

Frank, Emily and Gareth celebrate their one year anniversary with Absolute Radio, they've got cake, they've got balloons and they've got old pig iron.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time, though. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner, and I'm here with Emily and Gareth and this is the Absolute Radio podcast.

That'll do, won't it? There you go, that was Addicted to Bass by Buettone. The producer just pointed out that really I should never have played that on Absolute in the first place because it's essentially a dance track. Now I've played it twice. I don't know. Yeah, so sorry about that. I remember when I first played it, we got a text message on 8-12-15

immediately afterwards saying, where's Whitesnake? And that was from the managing director of Absolute Radio. Yeah? Where's Whitesnake? And that was from the managing director of Absolute Radio. Yeah? Who has this albino asp that gets lost around the studio sometimes. I hate that. I hate it when that happens.

Anyway, as it's the first anniversary, I'd better at least play this. That's the morning! I feel it's the signature of the whole piece. We've got cake, we've got balloons. We've got pig eyes! We've got all anniversary pig eyes! Yeah, we have. My friend Robin sent in these

purple and blue balloons with a big number one on the top. That's the numeral. There isn't a big number one on the top. I'd take that. I mean, that'd be on IG, wouldn't it? And we've got a cake with a picture of me, Emily and

Gareth on it. We've got guests. Yeah, we've got everything. And it's only one year. It's almost as if people are feeling that two's pushing it. You know what I mean? Take a big deal of the big one. Yeah, celebrate while you can, right?

So, anyway, it's lovely. And thanks for all your text messages and emails congratulating us, of which there were none. OK? I don't care. We're not sentimentalists on here. So I'm going to play another. What a jingle we haven't played for ages.

What about this one? See, I've only played... Just remembered why. OK. for ages. What about this one? Just remembered why. Okay. I love it. It's about me. We have just had a congratulations. Do you remember those girls in Philadelphia PA who were up until 5am? Do I? They've said happy birthday, Frank, Gareth and Emily. Your name's spelt wrong, Gareth, but never mind.

Thought that counts. I wonder what musical they're doing this week. I mean, I've got it into my head that they gather together in the early hours, having been out all night drinking Sourdy Pop and Dr Pepper, and then they talk about the boys from the frat. I don't know what that is, but anyway, there's boys from it. And then they recreate musicals for their own amusement. That's what I think. Annie, I hope. Oh, I love a bit of musicals for their own amusement. That's what I think.

Annie, I hope. Oh, I love a bit of Annie. Well, they did Annie last time, I think. Maybe this time it'll be Oliver. I can see one of them now with a quietly ragged wig on and her mum's hat going, Oliver, Oliver, never before has a boy asked for more. Actually, I do think he actually does that one, does he, Fagin?

No. Basically, every song I do from Oliver, I do as Fagin. Where is love? It doesn't really work, I'll be honest with you. So, yeah, I was walking through Cirencester this week. Do you know it? Gloucestershire? Oh, yes, there's a very nice agricultural college near there. Is there?

You go there if you've got land to manage. Anyway. Well, I didn't go there. And a man went past on a bicycle. Yeah. And he started pointing at me and laughing. Which I know is a nice thing for a comic, but he looked like he was in a state of shock.

Right. And he was pointing a state of shock. Right. And he was pointing at the side of his head and pointing at me. Like, you know, when people say, you're mad, you are. And then I realised he was pointing at... He's got his earpiece in and he was listening to a podcast. Oh, I love that. So this bloke is cycling through Cirencester of all places listening to the podcast. He looks up

and there's me. Funny life could always be like that. Oh, I'm pleased for him. It reminds me a bit, I was at a party once with David Baddiel and the people put on Some name dropping. And people put on three lines really, really loudly. So loudly that the neighbours

came round to complain and me and Dave went to the door. And they looked very, very confused. I'm sure they didn't know who we were. They were blind. No, that wasn't... See, that was an anecdote that wasn't going well and I thought it needed to be ended.

But I'm not happy with it. Absolute Radio. And our special guest today, by the way, is Toya Wilcox. Oh, I used to love her when I was a young thing. What's she going to be talking about, I wonder? It's a mystery. It is, but we'll find out soon enough. But I like a bit of a mystery.

There isn't enough of that in life, I think. No. And we had a reply from Steve Sprange. Oh, Steve Sprange, the cat owner. sprange the cat owner yeah the cat owner case you didn't hear last week steve sprange um he uh he emailed us actually he didn't he didn't even text us he he didn't even text us on hey 12 50 um he emailed us because he's got a new cat and he doesn't want to he doesn't have a name for it so we asked people to suggest there was all sorts of stuff came in my mate of mine texted you in the week with cat 22.

That's good. That would be particularly good if it was the 22nd cat you'd had. Hi, peeps. Thanks so much for putting my question out there on Saturday's podcast. Did he say hi, peeps? He did say hi, peeps. But we should, you know, stay with it. Frank, stop being so judgmental.

That's my job. Let's just stop it there. Oh, Frank, don't be so mean. Unless you're sending an email to Samuel Pepys. And even then, it's a bit formal, isn't it? I love the idea of emailing Samuel Pepys. If you're at school with Samuel Pepys in the same form, hi, Pepys, I mean, that would be all right.

I can't think of another... Carry on. I suppose it could be a friendly name for Bo Peep. I love Steve Strange. Leave him alone. Carry on reading it. He's made a decision. Being a bit of a film buff,

I believe I will go for John Wayne's True Grit Rooster Coburn's cat name, General Sterling Price. Yes, I think that's a good choice, I have to say. That was your choice. Well, yeah, it was. It just always struck me in the movie, it was the best ever name for a cat.

It gives the cat a sort of grandeur, which they don't always have. Even if it was badly maimed, I think it would retain that. I'm picturing that now. I'm picturing a three-legged. It would look like it was hurting some sort of battle. Yeah.

Speaking of being battle-scarred and being called names, Mark Owen. He's... I don't get the Mark Owen thing. Tiger Woods. Filthy devil. No, but Tiger Woods was torn to pieces.

Well, he nearly, if he hadn't got in the car and tried to escape. And then John Terry, he got absolutely... I think the phrase is dragged over the coals. Do you see?

They lay down in the dressing room, both Ashley and Cheryl, and JT was dragged across them. Dragged over them. I'd like to see that. And there was Ashley as well. And now it's Mark Owen. But people are quite nice about Mark Owen. I know. Yeah, well, it's sort of expected from pop stars, isn't it?

They're supposed to do that sort of thing. I don't think it's that. It's because he's like a little woodland creature. He's Sylvanian. Yeah, he is. I agree with that. But there have been ten of them, Frank. Ten.

Ten Mark Owens. No. They film in the Smurfs. He's cheated. He's had ten women behind her back. Who keeps count? Well, he didn't. He said, I think it's about ten.

Oh, OK. But apparently, the good news is... If I was him, I think every time I committed the act, I wouldn't be able to resist going, take that! You just... Frank! You've got the band name. OK. I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.

Thank God he isn't in Deep Purple. Oh, Frank! Sorry, carry on. Listen, do you know what I love most about this whole thing? Other than that someone else's personal life isn't going very well. It's the fact that one of the women that he had an affair with, guess who she's signed up with now? She needs a bit of representation.

So she needs a sort of publicity guru to help her out. She needs a publicity guru. Who would you go to? Well, my guess is... Bang, bang, Maxwell Silver. She's a sort of publicity guru to help her out. She needs a publicity guru. Who would you go to? Well, my guess is... It's Maxwell Clifford. I'm glad. He's a recurring theme on this show every week. Oh, I love Maxwell Clifford.

He swoops down on those in trouble, like this terrible old white-haired buzzard. In his leather jacket, Frank. Well, you say leather, I say suede, some say knitted. I mean, that's what I like. Something for everybody with Maxwell. It's got a quilted motif, though. Well, let's go into I think we need to play some adverts. Obviously

someone's got to pay the bill. But I mean, you know, that cake didn't come out of nowhere. That cake actually came from my management company. Can I say I've made up with my manager? We had a row on the show last week. Oh. But now he's actually in today and we're best friends again. So that's lovely. Any couples listening who had an argument maybe last night,

it's a very similar thing with a manager. There's a lot of playing hard to get and all that. If there's any couples listening, why don't you use us as an example? Me and my manager, we hugged and made up and everything's lovely now. And at the end of the day, that's what it's about. It's not about strife, it's about life.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. OK, Mark Owen we were talking about. The cheating woodland creature. Yeah, we should say that he's more of an elf. He's a mischievous elf. That's what he is. He's he's not well though is he i think he's gone into uh well i don't know if he's not well but he's done what every cheating man does which is which is suddenly check into rehab as soon as they're

caught well not every cheating man cheating man with quite a bit of money. Yeah, yeah. I think the normal man's version of that is, sorry, I was drunk. But no, yeah, he's actually gone into rehab, which is... I think it's to get away from their partner, maybe. Yeah, get out of the house. I think that's probably safe. I don't know. Who's going to be next on this?

I mean, they're queuing up. Not me, in case you're wondering. No. My favourite, I think, would be David Cameron with, say, Rusty Lee. Now, I know we might think better of him because of, you know, you'd think, oh, well, at least he's broad-minded. But I just think he's been so perfect. I know he's brought the wife in as well to talk about him.

I think there's something, it would be perfect, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah. That would have been good if in her interview Sam Cam had said, the thing about David is serial adulterer. Do we call her Sam Cam? Yeah, she's Sam Cam now. Oh, that's her new name. Yeah.

Yeah, it would have been good if she'd said... Because she said things like, oh, he's so messy around the house and he's always channel flicking. And also he lies. Pathological liar. Pathological liar. Making promises you can't keep.

That's what he did. Yeah, I hate it when he does that. And also, we say things in the house, you know, and then when he goes outside, he's like completely indifferent. I wish he wouldn't do that. I liked it when she said, he was quite different from anyone I'd ever met before.

I was like, yeah, he wasn't a Marquess, basically, that's why. He was Borderline Marquess. Yeah, he was quite posh. He once came on Sky News, we had an interview, and it said David Cameron. Underneath it, it said Borderline Marquess. Borderline Marquess sounds like a character from an oscar wilde short story that's it let me introduce you to borderline marquis the third good day to you

mark mark and hammersmith has just texted in said hi frank a stranger has just walked up to me and punched me in the face because he was so annoyed you didn't put the adverts on oh i'm sorry about that ad rage yeah we knew it was gonna happen yeah i mean i mean i think that's fair enough i bet it's the man from rotten seal he was absolutely irate but to be fair to him he did what he says on um yeah so i think one thing about marco in one plus he'll have is at least he'll be able to go on Piers Morgan's show and cry. Oh, yeah. That's got to happen soon, hasn't it?

He's got to be next. Yeah, I was asked to go on, you know, and I just couldn't. There's nothing that I'm not upset about. That you're going to cry? No. Why does everyone cry on it? It's become very fashionable now, crying, generally. Oh, it's so hot right now, crying.

Yeah, it is. You'll see, at the end of the football season, you can see you get fans, whoever gets rele hot right now, crying. Yeah, it is. You'll see, at the end of the football season, you can see you get fans, whoever gets relegated, they cry. And you can see them looking out the corner of their eye for the camera man before they start, like, ulting with their head in their hands.

And the players do it as well. You know, I do care about the club. Look at me pretending to cry. I hate it. Ronnie Corbett's the only one who didn't cry, wasn't he? He was quite happy. I think he did cry, but he was just below the line of the camera. Oh, my wife is so much bigger than me.

Exactly. She hurts me. Yeah, he didn't cry. They obviously got him on, didn't they? Because they thought, we'll talk about Ronnie Barker, he'll cry. That's safe. So, Ronnie Barker's dead. Yeah, and that was it.

He said, yeah, very sad. And then they moved on. And that's quite right, because he's an old pro. He wasn't going to play the game, but he won't be asked back. You either cry or you're out. God, when I said I had nothing I was that upset about, they offered to have

one of the runners from the production company peeling onions at the side of my chair just off camera. That'll arrange for something very bad to happen in your personal life. I know, well, if anything happens they'll be on the phone the next morning. I might phone them while I'm

still in the ambulance. The money was good, I think. What was it, John? Ten grand, was it? Was it more than that? The money's good, I think. What was it, John? Ten grand, was it? More than that. Was it the more than that? I mean, the money's good, but, you know, I don't twang for the mouse as... Twang for the mouse? I don't twang for the mouse as what Ry Cooder said

when his manager said that Disneyland were offering him a million quid to do a gig there. He said, I don't twang for the mouse. I've always thought that was a marvellous way to live your life. Do, yo, be, go, go! So, I tell you what, we've talked about this before, I think, but there's another article about new office jargon. Oh, yeah.

I really like this. People, they moan about people inventing new words and stuff, but I like the fact that the language is a vibrant and organically growing thing. Don't you, Gareth? Yeah, well, the thing is with jargon... I just wanted a yes. Anyway, so...

No, sorry, go on. The thing is with jargon is, though, it can exclude people sometimes. It's good for the whole thing. Well, you say that like it's a bad thing, exactly. Well, they had some more examples. Apparently, they went to various businesses, and at the Department of Health,

they have a phrase for old people who are old but not actually ill, and they call them the welderly. Oh, that's clever. And I said, that's good. That's clever, yeah. And apparently they have a thing also called webinars. Oh, that's clever. And I said, that's good. That's clever, yeah. And apparently they have a thing also called webinars. What's that? Which is when they have a seminar, but they do it through the internet thing, see a webinar.

Oh. And my own particular favourite, and I don't know quite what it means, is they use the phrase low-hanging fruit. I don't like the sound of that. Oh, well. In the end, we have to have that dog put down.

But I think it must mean that something like the easy option, doesn't it? But I was wondering, I was thinking that we should have some jargon for this job. Oh, I see. So low hanging fruit is the opposite of like punching out of your,

punching above your weight or something. I get it. Yeah, I suppose it's the opposite of, like, punching above your weight or something. I get it. Yeah, I suppose it's the opposite of high-hanging fruit. If we're going to be strict about it. You shouldn't punch fruit, Em. OK. No. I think we've tried to stop that, I think, in this country.

So what's our jargon, then? Well, I was thinking, as I played Every Breath I Take by Police, I was going to start using the phrase about giving it a bit of elbow room, which means not slagging off a song that you don't really want to play. OK. Because of the elbow. I use elbow room because, obviously, I never actually want to play elbow ever. But, you know, it's part of the job.

And I'm not going to do that sighing and stuff anymore. I'm going to give these tracks a bit of Elbow Room. I like Elbow Room. I also thought of... We know when people send in texts on... Hey, 12, 15! And they're rude. They know we can't read them out,

so we have to ban them from being read out. We could call those texts an texts, an Asbo loot. Oh, very good. And finally, I thought you could have a Gareth dote, which is an anecdote that doesn't go anywhere at all. It sounds like it's going to be and then it lets you down. Yeah, good. I've got some.

Oh, he's got that look in his eyes. No, actually, mine are quite nice. Oh, OK. Frankincense. So when Frank says something that just makes perfect sense and is really good. Full of wisdom. What he's done is he's battled wickedness

with kind character, like they do in the Walt Disney films, and it's very undermining. I really need some sort of advice on how to handle this in the press. Bang, bang, Max will still run the game. Come on, Max! Found me! You just found me! And then for an anecdote from Emily, so she'll tell us something like that she had no friends as a child,

just a butler called Stevenson who she used to hang out around with. And that would be, they're called Emerys. I'm loving it. Oh, I love it. And then people who just phone up going, oh, that Emily Dean is so fit. Which we get about 100 of them. We do get that.

I would say it's the most things that we get said. It's somebody, oh, I've changed the webcam. I can't see Emily. Yeah, that thing about can you move the webcam. I hate that. Oh, no, I loved it when that man said, I tune in to see the skirt, not the skirting board. That was great. Well, I thought it was coarse. I don I tune in to see the skirt, not the skirting board. That was great.

Well, I thought it was coarse. I don't think you can do comedy, that kind of thing. See, that is the... That's the global... Not global. What's the word when someone has to do with the internet? Come on! No.

Anyway, it's a bit like a modern version of those builders that used to leer at women, except we get it through technology. Oh, it's awful when that happens. So I thought we could put, instead of listeners, we'll call those people lechoners. Oh. Oh, I love a lechoner. Faber takes from a lechoner. That's all excellent, I think.

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Gareth and Emily and Toyah Wilcox is our guest after the news. That's all you need to know, factually wise. I mean, you know, that's that. What else? I saw Emily on the news.

Oh, did you see it, Frank? Beware this woman. She's highly dangerous. Was that what it was? Oh. Yeah. Apparently some shoplifting in Harrods. Salad's been going missing all over town.

Yeah, it's... No, I thought you were very good talking about... Oh, Frank. It was one of those things. I was watching the telly, and I knew Emily was going to be on News 24, and then it was after six o'clock, so I had it on in the background, keeping an eye out.

And then they went on to the Oscars things, and I thought, here it goes. And my girlfriend was in... She was downstairs. I started going, Kath! Kath, it's Emily! Kath! Kath, it's Emily! You know the way, I could be watching the telly and it can be the

orange-faced alligator eating tribe from Abyssinia. I don't care. But if it's like a shop that's in my street I'll go, come here! It's that shop we see every day, live, but it's on the telly. And it was like that.

Like, seeing Emily... Like, Emily's someone I don't see very often. Seeing her on the telly was extra... I just want to watch things on the telly that are basically me and my life. Oh, well, I got a lovely text from Frank, and Gareth, I got a lot... Oh, no, I didn't hear from you.

Never mind. But, no, it was great fun. I love being on the news. I love the news. I want to do it again. But then a man... Well, it's easy to get on the news. Any one of us can do that.

Anyone listening who wants to get on the news, you know what you have to do. You know, there are many choices. But there was a sort of elderly make-up artist who does your hair and make-up and I didn't really like the way he did it. I had to go with it. But he said he curled it and it was a bit Bonnienie langford it was a bit but i like that i like that i like it when you're langfordian okay i wasn't so sure yeah i don't

think you should have done the whole uh i'll scream and scream until i'm thick though i think you took the whole lang the bonnie thing too far it was, no, I thought you did very well, actually. Do we have any, have we had any contact from listeners? Yes. Good. Do you want to tell me about it? Well, we had some feedback. We had some feedback during the week.

It says, hi, Frank and Emily. I was listening to one of your podcasts and you mentioned that Admiral Nelson didn't say kiss me hardy and that he said kesmet hardy remember that? yeah, kesmet which means fate well a friend of mine gave me a book and it says that Nelson did in fact say kiss me hardy and eyewitnesses

did see hardy kiss him twice yeah, what kind of a book was that? I'm asking myself it was the book of general ignorance by John Lloyd and John... oh, that was a book was that? I'm asking myself. It was the Book of General Ignorance by John Lloyd and John... Oh, I thought it was that book, was it? Yeah. And after the second kiss, Nelson replied, God bless you, Hardy.

Right. And was that his last words then? God bless you, Hardy. Well, he says, but did you know that his absolute last words were drink, drink, fan, fan, rub, rub? Oh, those aren't very dignified last words. Was he trying to remember the name of Titty Titty Bang Bang? Is it Rob Rob Fan?

No, no, it's got something rude in it. Well, my favourite last words ever was David Garrick, the 18th century actor. Oh, yeah. When he died, his last words were, Oh, dear. Something marvellous about that. Oh, dear.

Makes you wonder what he saw as he slipped into the next world doesn't it absolute I'll tell you what I did read I read that Ernie Wise, a statue of Ernie Wise has been unveiled in his hometown which I can't remember the name of it's in Morley

and his wife apparently when they took that you know, that moment, it must be a big moment for any sculptor when the cover comes off and the audience go, oh! Well, apparently, the cover came off and they went, um... And it looks, they say, I mean, I saw a picture of it, I mean, it looks like Max Headroom. It looks... they say, I mean, I saw a picture of it. I mean, it looks like Max Headroom. It looks, Google him.

It looks nothing like Ernie Wise at all. And God bless his widow, Doreen. And I think if you're a British comedian from the 60s and 70s, you've got to be married to someone called Doreen. I'm guessing the next answer. Got to be. Yeah, yeah. I bet she's got a cracking pair of pins.

I bet she has, yeah. Does she do voodoo? Well, it'd be no good using this statue because the voodoo gods won't know who it's supposed to be. And I think you'll find that Max Headroom was simulated. Anyway, she said, and I love this, from Doreen Wise, Ernie's widow. She says, no statue ever looks like the person, let's face it. Well, what is it?

Doreen has completely condemned the art of sculpture in one sweeping step. She comes after years in obscurity, following the sad death of her husband, she comes out and she's some sort of art critic. I would like to see a series, sort of like Renaissance religious art, with Dore with doreen wise oh that'd be awesome in which she comes and assess things like well the baby jesus has always looked like mikhail gorbachev

and just says like negative things about art a bit great so yeah she's got a point though has she oh i think so those henry moore, the figures are awful. The women look awful in them. I wish they'd unveiled the birdie white. It'd be like, that's a weird abstract. A stone with a hole through. That would have been brilliant. One local resident said... I'm a very local news reporter, though.

I'm getting into the news. Five minutes on News 24. She's looking for work. I'm saying, are we suddenly? I can see you doing the weather. Basically, because when you have to use the phrase, in the north, I'd love to see your lip curl into a sneer.

I love north. One local resident said it looks as if he's falling over and he said, it's frightening people. I like the idea of people being frightened by the statue. Well, if they think it's falling over... If you're out in Morley and you suddenly look up and there's a large, clay, max headroom

apparently hurtling towards you, that's going to frighten... That's fair enough that that would frighten people. I'd like to know what Sister Wendy Beckett thought about it, but I don't know. I think she's... I don't know, was she in the Bahamas, apparently? We've had a text in about Lord Nelson, as you do on Absolute Radio.

Sorry, chaps, Nelson's last words were God and my country, from Jay in Watford. What was the question that he was answering? Well, exactly. Also, I don't believe... Things you like. I don't believe he was answering? Well, exactly. Also, I don't believe that was the last words either. I think that's what they said to the peasants. I think that's what they, I mean peasants just to the masses. I think there was like a 19th century Max

Clifford figure saying that. I don't think he really said that. To the peasants, you mean like how you refer to our listeners? No, I love our listeners. How very dare you? But they, I think that makes a point because what did you say was his real words garris there's a fan fan i don't know i don't know i think it might be true yeah i think so he was obviously giving them instructions on doing the kiss of life or something perhaps that's what kiss me hardy was about he was he was asking for the kiss no tongues i meant like you know that no but haven't i just discovered a massive historical secret is that he was saying give me the kiss alive hardy

but i can't i can't breathe and audio's going kissed him on both cheeks he's going no no fan fan rob god in my country and then he died with. I mean, such was the pressure of his death. The eye socket completely blown outwards. Like when a... Anyway. So, we have to... We have... What have we got now? We've got Toyah Wilcox coming up, which I'm very excited about. I know we've got Toyah Wilcox,

but have we got another ad break now? No. We haven't got an ad break. The Killers. Oh, we've got the Killers next. Oh, that's professional. That exchange. Did you just see that put me off, you say? Oh, my God. You can't turn around to the producer, Mitch, and go, what have we got coming up next? Well, I think people like to see the workings.

The innards. Yeah, you know when somebody buys you a nice, you know one of those nice Haunter watches that you get? They're quite expensive. Oh. Wrong. But when you get one of those nice Haunter watches Some of them you get like a glass bag

So you can see all the workings People like that, they like to know that I don't know what I'm playing next It makes them feel Oh he's not so special They knew that already It's alright that everything's I still don't know what I'm playing. Oh, yeah, I'm playing the killers.

Yeah, I'm giving it some elbow, Roo. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Toya Wilcox is in the studio, and here she is. Good morning, Toya. Good morning, Frank. Thank you so much for coming in. It's a pleasure.

But you've been here before. Yeah, about 25 years ago. It could actually be 30 years ago. This used to be Granada TV, and I rehearsed in here with Lord Olivier and Greta Sacchi and Roger Rees for a film called The Ebony Tower. How marvellous. Lord Olivier. Oh, it was fantastic. And rather than rehearse in a rehearsal room, we rehearsed in the executive offices of Granada

so that staff could bring food in. And Lord Olivier did have a nurse at the time who looked after him, but it meant that we were treated like royalty. Yeah, that's sad. How old would he have been then? Was that towards the end? It was towards the end, yeah, yeah. I was about 25, 26 when I made that film. I'm thinking of getting a nurse, maybe just for the end. Yeah, yeah. I was about 25, 26 when I made that film. I'm thinking

of getting a nurse. Maybe just for the shows. Do you know, I recommend it. It's fantastic. I think it's sort of fallen off the bandwagon of what rich people do. People get, you know, PAs and all that. But the nurse. It's not just about

being rich. When you live for a long time there's certain things you get really bored of, like blowing your own nose, doing your own shopping, cleaning your own fingernails. You know, a nurse can do all that for you. Is this Lord Olivier talking now, or is this your own personal experience? This is my personal experience as a middle-aged woman. I've got to tell you, many years ago, I was in Birmingham City Centre. This would be, I mean, long before I did comedy or anything like that.

And this coach went past, and it must have been a tour boss. And you were on it, and you were just walking up. You walked up the aisle, and you got your bright orange hair and that in those days. And there was loads of people. This was going, I think, Corporation Street or somewhere by that. And everyone stopped. All the passers-by all stopped and there was Toyah Wilcox's tour bus. You know what it was? We were going to

the Odeon to do a concert. Because they used to reverse the tour bus down the side of the Odeon on New Street. Oh, OK. And I can remember... Did you remember me? Do you remember me seeing... I seem to remember there was a problem that day with about 500 screaming kids outside the Odeon

that blocked the street. They were with me. Were they with you? Were you kind of in the middle of it? I was working for Barnardo's at the time. It was an outing. Oh, OK. But really, it was like...

You know when you see the kids looking through the window of the toy shop and thinking, it really was... It was show business was going past all us normal people. It was very exciting. I loved all that. I bet you did. I can remember once, I'm afraid I was one of the organisers of the royalty celebrity It's a Knockout.

And all of us were on a coach going to Alton Towers. That's very brave admission. There was me, Tom Jones, Sheena Easton, Cliff Richards, Christopher Reeves, John Travolta, and we were on a coach. Is that a craft? Well, it gets worse. Going through the country lanes, going to Alton Towers, and Princess Fergie was at the front of the bus doing the royal wave with her hand, shouting down the bus,

wave to the subjects, everyone. She didn't say that. Yes, she did. And Sheena Easton was singing, we're all going on a summer holiday. Come on, Cliff, join in. And it was one of the maddest things I've ever been through because we stopped every village that we went through

with just licking the windows to get a look at Tom Jones or Jane Seymour or John Travolta. Yeah. So it was another one of those moments. Great. It was like Celebrity Express. That's a fabulous collection. See, what Cliff should have gone, my baby gets the morning track.

He should have fought fire with fire. That's the trouble with Cliff. Go, Yobby, go, go. So the humans, this is a very strange genesis to the humans. It is. It's utterly peculiar. It was originally formed because my husband had a call from the president of Estonia three years ago asking him to play solo in Estonia for the president's birthday.

I should point out, anyone who doesn't know your husband is Robert... Robert Fripp of King Crimson. He's not a painter and decorator. No, no. He's worked with Bowie and Gabriel and all the big guys and Robert couldn't do it so I phoned the Estonian embassy up and said I will put a really small

inexpensive band together and we'll come over, we'll write all the music and perform it for the president. And they said yes. So I... Opportunity. how brave were they so the humans really it's bill reeflin who's been drumming in rem for the last seven years but he plays bass in the humans chris wong who's my md who also plays bass and the vocals and the reason i created it like that i have spent 32 years in the music business fighting the volume

of keyboard players lead guitarists drummers and i just thought get rid of them i only want my voice to work with bass frequencies and it just went from there and then my husband heard it and he said i really like that can i come and join you and i thought oh this is trouble this is trouble because my husband is a list and he really is demanding and you know he has to have his nurse and he has to work. All of that. So he joined us and he's on the album and he's recording the next album with us in May

and it is a very weird set-up because we don't use drums. OK. And people can't get their head round it because they're waiting for the drum to kind of kick into the chorus and stuff like that, but we don't do choruses. It sounds like the drum to kind of kick into the chorus and stuff like that. Well, we don't do choruses. It sounds like there's a bit of clapping on the album. That's Bill.

OK. Yeah, you know, Bill the rhythm man, you know, kept slipping in the rhythm, you know, finger clicks, clapping. OK. Yeah. No drums. No drums. Well, I don't know.

Well, then who's the idiot in the group? Because that's hugely so obvious, isn't it? It's the lead singer, isn't it? So, do you get on all right? Is it all right working with your husband? Because I was imagining it can be a bit tense. OK, we'd be married. It's our 25th year married this year. Wow.

My husband and... Do you want one of our anniversary balloons? Yes, I do. I want the long phallic-looking one. Oh, sorry, it says number one. I thought it was something else. Goodness. I would like... No, Bill

is my husband's best friend, so they get on great. And then both Bill and my husband think that I'm a cleaner, a nurse, a psychiatrist, a shopper, you know, anything but a singer. So it is a very strange relationship in the rehearsal room. I imagine you're quite a strong woman now to work with.

I can't see you being walked over. No. Not unless you really want that. Well, it depends who it is, doesn't it? Well, exactly. These boots are, of course, made for walking, isn't it? So if anyone wants to go and see the humans, how can they do that? Well, the humans are next touring in June and August.

But before that, I have the Toya Band, which is going out. So come and see me in the Toya Band. Don't share the glory. No, that has drums. That's very, very loud. I definitely want to see that. It's rock and roll. It's all the hits and everything. And I'm taking part in a series of concerts called Exposed, which is happening in the Midlands.

And it's putting together established artists with unsigned bands. So basically to encourage audiences to come and see new music by going to see established acts. So I'm playing The Robin in Wolverhampton on March the 27th and then The Asylum in Birmingham on April the 23rd as part of the Exposed brand with about five other unsigned bands. And the

idea is that we have a really good festival type feel evening. Well, that sounds fabulous. And will you be singing? It's a mystery! Oh, yeah. Absolute Radio. So I think we are, actually, we need to have a bit of a confession here

because when we knew you were on the show, Emily absolutely lit up. I was really excited. Oh, bless you. Come on, spit it out. Well, when I was younger, Toya, I was a massive fan of yours and I had a special, it was my favourite thing ever, it was a make-up kit and you could look like Toya. Yes.

And I tried to but I got in trouble at school because I did my eyes all orange. Do you know, I loved designing that make-up kit. It was amazing! Was it called Eyes to the Soul? Yes! Yes, it was! You know, I've still got boxes of it in my attic. Oh, I'm going to have to get one of those off you.

Oh my God! That's made me so excited! I tell you, I understand why Victoria Beckham loves designing clothes, because I was given the opportunity to design this make-up range in 1981. I absolutely loved doing it. Did you actually do it, though? I always sit there, people just put their names to it and don't do anything. Well, you can do that, you can do it like merchandising,

but I sat down and designed the colour palettes. Oh, I feel so happy knowing that, I wasn't cheated. The factory was up in the borders in Scotland and I had a lot of involvement. I just absolutely loved it. It appealed to the Hitler in me because I was telling people what to do. Oh, this could be good.

He loved his make-up, Hitler. Oh, God, yeah. Does it include a moustache? Well, it does now. As you get older. Well, it does now. As you get older. Oh, it does. Can I just say to anyone listening, it definitely does. Tyres wax my soul.

Soul, I said. Carry on, carry on. You've just said, I'm dumbfounded. I'm sorry, I've spoiled everything. Can I say, you have stuff out, you have gear out we can get. There's a Humans album, aren't there? Yeah, the Humans album. I sell everything on rememberthe80s.com, ironically,

and I sell more on that than I get through any record company. But I also have a fantastic album out, a Toyer album out, called In the Court of the Crimson Queen, which has just been signed to Japan by Sony, so we're off, you know, to promote that and do a bit of touring and stuff. But this is me and a guy called Simon Darlow who wrote Slave to the Rhythm for Grace Jones. Oh, yeah.

Now, Simon and I are long-time collaborators and we wrote this album two years ago and it's just great and and it's taken off, and it's selling brilliantly. So when I do the Toya shows, that's the music I include in the Toya shows. And when I do the Humans shows, it's just dead weird, and you get the Humans album material.

OK. Have I confused you completely? No, no, I also have a website about my alcoholism called I Don't Remember the 80s. That's fabulous. Please, I encourage you to tune in to it. Great. So what else?

Because you strike me as someone... I read a thing about one of your blogs on the internet and you said you don't like... See, I thought you'd become one of these country recluses who maybe had a trout farm. You're not really like that are you you like you like doing stuff oh i really i love working i do about um 200 shows a year and then there's telly on top of that at the moment i'm getting ready to do an arena tour next year of holograms there'll only be 10 performers real living performers and the rest is all holograms and it it's this brand new concept but goodness are you are you turning up for it

or are you just being no i'm doing i'm turning up you're gonna be real yeah we're real who's real they they no i think that'd be a great no i think it's going to be a bit like the gorillas and arlene phillips is doing the choreography and all of that. So I'm hoping it... Because I haven't seen any of it yet. I've just been told I'm doing it. I'm hoping it's going to be like the gorillas and you'll be with these really funky kind of cartoon 3D characters. Oh, that sounds... What's it called, that?

I'll look out for that weird article. You know, I have been told... You don't even know. Why should you know? You've got a lot on your mind, Toya. It's just, thanks to the menopause, I can't remember. I can barely remember who I am at the moment. Shall we close on the menopause? I'd also like to close to say, Toya has become a proper friend of the show already.

Oh, definitely. I think she's going to get the jingle, let's face it. Yeah. Or maybe it's not here anymore. Oh, I'm sorry. I was surprised, Toya. It's a bad omen. Just talk amongst yourselves. I was surprised to discover that you came. It's a bad omen. Just talk amongst yourselves. I'm a surprise to discover

that you came from Birmingham because you speak beautifully. Hold it, hold it, hold it, here we go. Brand of the show. Not many people get that toy.

No. It's been absolutely fabulous having you on. It's great. It's been lovely, it's been great fun, thank you. And you've been

beyond our expectations. That sounds loaded to me. Yeah, I suppose if they'd been very low, but they were, they were high and you were better still, so it's been great. our expectations. That sounds loaded to me. Yeah, I suppose if they'd been very low. But they were. They were high and you were better still. So it's been great. So go and see Toya.

Where again are you on this week? 27th March, the Rob in Wolverhampton. 23rd April, the asylum in Birmingham. Yeah, so get to that and you'll be able to go up. And there might even be in the merchandise some free make-up kits. Or not free. Or moustaches. They won't be free. They'll be 17 shill up. And there might even be in the merchandise in some free make-up kits. Not free. Or moustaches.

They won't be free. They'll be 17 shillings and sixpence. Thank you very much, Tyra. It's been joyous. Thank you. Absolute. Radio. Johnny Cameron has texted in,

trying to disguise his name by changing his first name. Yeah. Morning, Frank, Emily and Gareth. Frank, could you please say hoity-toity to my girlfriend Avril? During the week, we were walking through Hyde Park and she said she was feeling a little cold, so I did the chivalrous thing and offered her my jacket. However, in true Emily Dean

style, she turned it down because it looked a bit common. Oh, well done. Well done, Avril. I can only say hoity-toity! Oh, I see you're spreading a terrible influence. Oh, thank goodness for that. A superior air. We just had the bosses, two of the bosses, Paul and Tony from Absolute,

came in with a massive big cake from, where was it from? And a knife. Where was it from? Was that for the cake? I hope so. I must admit, yeah, when they ran in with a knife, I think oh my god we've gone too far we shouldn't have played addicted to bass they're taking it very badly maybe i misread that maybe it's addicted to bass maybe it's some sort of fish fetishist yeah yeah maybe addicted to big mouth billy bass don't worry remember the fish on the plaque oh yeah Don't worry. Remember the fish on the plaque? Oh, yeah. Don't worry. Be happy.

If you don't remember it, just trust me. So, look, we've had a bit of a special occasion on the show. Some of you might think that Garrett's baby, Ethan, was born, not born on the show, but during the show. How long ago was he born? Eight months. Yeah, so eight months. So just four months into the show.

He's been around for two-thirds of the show. Oh. You was he born? Eight months. Yeah, so eight months. Just four months into the show. He's been around for two-thirds of the show. You might remember him sounding like this. But not anymore. No, no, he sounds like this. He doesn't. I made that up. That's Marky Smith, by the way. We have a special. We have a bit of a special.

Go on, Gareth. Tell us. Well, apparently he can speak. Oh, he can speak? He's eight months old. How long does it take them to speak? No, it does take... Well, it was weird.

Laura went to a mum's group and she left him for a minute, went out of the room. When she came back, the other mum said, how old is Ethan? She said, eight months. She goes, he's very young to be speaking.

How is it? And Laura said, you can't speak. I love he's already talking behind her back. Oh, I love it. And they'd said to him, would you like a banana? And he said, yes. Well, I wonder if he knows no. He probably hates bananas.

To be fair, Frank, I didn't know no either. I just knew yeah. No, I think you only picked up no in the, what was it, about four years ago. And there's a lot of footballers. Very grateful for that. So. Frank. I'm terribly sorry, everyone.

I'm saving that for my autobiography. Of course. Sorry, Gareth. You know, I was interviewing Gaza once and he said that to me. I asked him about something. He said, oh, Frank, I meant to save that for my autobiography. Well, that's fabulous news, though. Have you actually heard him speak yet?

Yeah, well, he's been saying my, my and da, da for a while. Oh, has he? But also, we don't ask him questions. We don't ask him if he won the stuff, because we don't think he can answer. So I've started, and he does sort of say things that sound a bit like yes. You know, you've introduced decision-making

into the household. Well, it's not before time. Spurred something wasn't all on Laura's shoulders, that's what I'm saying. Well, look, that was our anniversary show. May I say that we've all had an absolutely... We're not going, but just in case, we're all killed in a road accident this afternoon.

It's been a fabulous year. I am driving to West Bromwich. Anything could happen! So, yeah, it's been great. And we love, we love Absolute, don't we? We love them. And we're going to eat their cake. It will be marvellous. Thank you, anyone who's been listening to us

on more than one occasion that was just an accident. Thank you very, very much for your loyalty. And we love you all. Good day to you. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.