The Frank Skinner Show - Guest:Tom Basden

Episode Date: March 6, 2010

Frank had a few opinions on the Sugababes and Emily and Gareth discussed Carol Vorderman's appearence on Question Time.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute Radio. Hey! It's Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio, Emily, Gareth, podcast. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! And, um, that's all the components.

All you have to do is put them into a workable sentence. Send them to this address. The workhouse, Kensington. Okay, so we did the show today. And now we're doing the intro to the show as usual. I like the show. We had Tom Basden. He was quite a handsome man. Was he handsome? Well, you're going to be able to appreciate that like the show. We had Tom Basden. He was quite a handsome man.

Was he handsome? Well, you're going to be able to appreciate that on the podcast. It's not Ben Miller standards who is. But he had said something, didn't he? Yes. Talent as well. Talent's an aphrodisiac. Yes, that's true. Isn't he? I find it to be an aphrodisiac.

Whereas oysters never work for me. See, it's odd, isn't it? If a million people say a stupid thing, it's still a stupid thing. Am I right? It is. A thousand blockheads do not make one intelligent man. Hit list.

Yeah, that's a less good way of putting it. Yeah. Yeah. That's a less good way of putting it. Yeah. Yeah. So, yes, I enjoyed the show in a kind of a, in the way I enjoy, if I've got a toothache,

putting my tongue into the hole where it's the very source of the pain. Oh, that's not that bad. You did have a little, you had a bit of a shouty, a bit of a screamy off air, though, which we won't go into. Well, it does get mentioned, yeah, but there was tension in the air. There was tension. I mean, let's not pre-empt. Yeah. But there was, I've mean, let's not pre-empt. Yeah. But there was...

So you can hear about that. I've been trying for years not to. Yes. Yeah, so there will be that. So it was going to be difficult. With your manager, wasn't it? Yeah. Because I don't pre-empt.

But you ignored me. Yeah. Why don't you just tell the whole story now and pre-empt up to the ceiling? Go on! Well, OK, so Frank had written a script, I think, and I'm not going to do it, really. You can hear about my I Got In Trouble as well,

which you can hear about. Yes. I sometimes wonder why we do these bits and not just let them listen. I mean, what? You know what I mean? If I go and see a film, somebody doesn't come on at the beginning and say, oh, there's some bits in this where the alien creature sits on a bike

and it flies through the air. It's a bit like foreplay or something. It's a bit like... You wondered then if you could say foreplay, didn't you? Yeah, I did. And then I looked at you and I thought, oh, he can say it. Yeah, you can say foreplay. I think that's all right. I think children listen.

They won't know what that is anyway. And nor will a lot of men. And also, you know, if children are listening to the podcast, I mean,

it's come to a pretty fine state of affairs if children are being allowed to go on computers on their own. What next? I mean, okay, I don't mind a supervised look at the Angelina Ballerina site, but to me that's it.

It's amazing the way they did that thing where they can change the costume just by clicking. How do they do that? It's amazing. Anyway, here's the show. Get over it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner.

I'm with Emily. I'm with Gareth. I've got pig hair! I've got a pig head. Yes, good morning. And I hope everything's all right in your house. Obviously, the fire was a bit of a shocker. But, you know, I don't know about you.

I never much liked that sofa anyway. So, how's it going, guys? You all right? Oh, it's all right. You're sitting there just sniggering at me. We're all in this together. I stayed last night. No, come on, you can do better than that. That's three eyes.

I mean, I think the eyes have it at the moment. La, la, la, la, la, la. OK, now, and relax, and go. In the room I stayed in last night, there was a small electric fire. And it was by my bed to warm me up. You and your anecdotes again. Is that it? That's not it, is it?

Oh, no, no, that's not it. Gallop by the fireside, children. Was it one bar or two? I don't think it was a bar one, but basically when I came... It wasn't a bar one. They wouldn't have allowed you to sleep in there. I went to the toilet in the middle of the night, came back and tripped over it. Slipped... Tripped over the elect... Was it on? No.

Yes, it was on. Don't lie to make it more interesting. I was terribly burnt. Oh, I see. I wonder what that smell was. I thought it was the drains Don't lie to make it more interesting. I was terribly burnt. Oh, I see. I wonder what that smell was. I thought it was the drains. It was burning flesh. I went to a debate.

Now, how often do you get to a debate? I didn't know they really existed. This was at the Royal Geographical Society. And I couldn't find it. My mate was already there, and I'm on the phone saying, he said, well, where are you? I said, well, I'm on Exhibition Road. He said, where are you on Exhibition Road?

I said, I'm opposite this building. It's like a glass building. It's got a big map of the world on the front. He said, yeah, that's the Royal Geographical Society. And I thought, I should have seen that, shouldn't I? Really? I mean, what else is going to have a map of the world on the front? Were they having a heated debate then?

It was about, the title of the debate is should England be a Catholic country again? Oh. So that's this week's phoneme. No it isn't. It definitely isn't. Neil Francis did that phoneme anyway. Has he already

done it? Oh man. If you're not in first on this station someone's in ahead of you. There was a lot of very very posh people there. Oh, man. If you're not in first on this station, someone's in ahead of you. There was a lot of very, very posh people there. Oh, I bet. Most of them, I would say, over a hundred. Ladies with scarves and court shoes. Ladies with enormous scarves.

You've got a big scarf on today. I don't know why women wear those giant-sized scarves. Because they're in fashion. You could windsurf if it came to it. You could windsurf with the aid of that scarf. Anyway, when we left the place, I'd say there was about 700 people there. There were so many old people. Leaving there honestly took longer than...

I've left Wembley Stadium with 80,000. It took... I was out there quicker. I mean, the stairs... Obviously, all live in bungalows. They looked at the stairs with complete horror. And you're behind them and you think, I can't actually shove, but I can give them no space at all just to keep the idea in their head that they have to move forward.

Otherwise they'll stop and start looking for cake if you give them a second to themselves. And then I hosted... I'm doing my whole week in one go so I've got to rush off I think you're all be alright with that would you no I don't start the aye aye oh you two

so early on I started with a I'm self conscious now I can't do it what did you host? I hosted a diversity evening at Channel 4 oh diversity the dance troupe the one Britain's Got Talent. No, the one who robbed Susan Boyle. They didn't rob Susan Boyle, I don't want to start that rumour.

They wouldn't have had a chance against her. Well, yeah, but, you know, some stuff went missing from her dressing room. They didn't take it from her personally. I'm not saying they did it, but they were in the studio. I think it was a little girl who did the phony cry. She was laughing around. We know she's capable of dishonesty. And, you know, I don't think they had much money in that family.

Susan Boyle left some jewellery in there. I think she left... You know those heavy metal claws that you see people wear in Camden? She had one of them in sterling silver that she left in the dressing room. And some sort of um headdress she had with a with a kestrel on it i can't remember the details anyway um i hosted this thing on diversity for channel four which is about minorities getting into television that's what it's about so there was you know there was there was black people there and there was disabled people there.

Yeah. There was one lesbian. Right. And we talked about... There was a Birmingham. You were there. Yeah, exactly. I think they did, because, you know...

That's why they got you, I think. I'm not being rude, because you're from Birmingham. I said, I don't think... Did you get a lot of pitying looks? Well, I played it up quite a bit. I didn't wear shoes and socks. But I said, you know, I don't feel really right to do a diversity night

because, you know, I'm sort of a white middle-aged man, you know, not for you, Bob, in my pocket. I don't know, I'll be liked. But I thought, then again, I'd say I did it for three main reasons. You know, I did it because I think, obviously, it's good to encourage everybody. I think it's a shame if there's any wasted talent.

I think the second reason I did it is because I used to be in a bed sitting in Birmingham thinking, you know, it was impossible to get into comedy and stuff like that. Yeah. And I think the third reason I did it is that I forgot that England were playing that night. Oh. Absolute. Radio.

Something that did happen to me at that diversity evening, by the way, is that, I don't think I'll name it, but there was a comedian there who was sort of, you know, a comic, and who was doing the circuit and on some telly and all that. And she said to me, Oh, because you're on Absolute, aren't you doing the Gareth Richards show? Oh!

Well, what could I say? Apparently she's on the circuit. Gareth's been going around, obviously, bigging himself. We don't want to know what he's been doing on the circuit. No, exactly. But that's honestly what she said to me. Isn't that nice, Gareth?

No, I think I'm waiting for an apology. An apology? No, I'm happy for you to tell people it's your show. I'm just glad that you're so proud to be involved at all. Well, that's all very well, Frank. Well, is it all very well? We've had a tweet in from a bona fide celebrity. A tweet?

Yeah. I believe we now have 4,000 followers. We do. I mean, we're right up there with Antia Turner. And Dave Gorman. Dave Gorman has 63,000. Oh. I think he beats us on this station.

Anyway, so what was tweeted? I mean, I'm anti-tweet, as many people know. Frank's anti-tweet. He doesn't understand technology. But you can tweet. No, I understand prying. That's what I understand. Do you can no i understand prying that's what i understand do you want to hear this tweet yeah

pterodactyl do you know duncan valentine duncan valentine from dragon's den oh no yeah the scottish one my valentine it's not valentine it's Banner-tine. Banner-tine, OK, right. Anyway, he's off of Dragon's Den. He's the scary one, he goes, I'm out, I'm out, he says. He sent a tweet saying someone was suggesting that possibly... I think somebody shared it at the diversity evening. Anyway, carry on.

That possibly that wasn't the real you on Twitter, our Twitter page. So Duncan said, I want to know if this is the real Frank. If this is the real Frank, can you tell me where did we meet recently? So can you answer this, please? Well, I can answer that because I was actually leaving my flat the other night. And who should be on the way in but Duncan Ballantyne. What was going on? Who was he there to see? No, I think he had a key he

let himself in yeah what's your flat i think he was just out no i think he um i'll tell you something he's a much more handsome man in the flesh i don't say that in any seedy way but he is he's quite dashing looking i like him but then i do go for the henry the eighth bully so that's probably why yeah it was one of those moments when celebrities meet, let's call it that. I was once in a Birmingham public house and working behind the bar, I think he actually might have, let's say he owned it, was Paul Henry.

He used to play Benny in Crossroads. Oh, yeah. And there was a bit where I walked in and I recognised him and he recognised me and we walked across the bar and we shook hands. And it was a bit like... Bear in mind this was in Birmingham. Yeah.

Everyone stopped and stared. It was a bit like... You know on the Sistine Chapel ceiling where Adam and God are just touching their fingers like that? By Birmingham standards, it was like that. You and Benny. It was like that scene in Mephisto, the German arthouse movie,

where the bloke playing the devil shake hands with the Nazi officer in the theatrical box and the whole audience look up. You know that bit. Yeah. OK. I think Neil Francis did a whole thing on it this morning. Again, he's... Oh, God. I mean, I just can't get in before him.

It's as simple as that. Absolute. Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You can text us on 81215. We're having a bit of an exciting experiment this morning because Daisy, who is the associate producer, brackets, makes tea, close brackets,

has replaced Emma, the producer. Yeah. Yeah, so anything could happen. It's very all about Eve. I'm finding it quite exciting, but it's created a tension. I've just had an argument with my manager. That was awful. I know it was, it was an awkward moment.

My manager's in here and we had a bit of an argument, everyone else. You know when everyone starts looking at the floor? When you go round someone's house and they have a bit of an argument, they ask you why you don't let her look, it was like that. So what it's like is it's like, it's like when a parent lets the child sit on their lap and drive the car

whilst some other people are having an argument in the back seat. Yes. It's the vibe. So you're very tense indeed. Yeah, so I'm in tears. Is it like watching

somebody blow off a very large balloon? You know that feeling when you think, oh, God. I'm quite loving the histrionics, personally. Yeah, I think they're a good band.

They get a lot of stick, I think. Emily's slightly stirring. Oh, yeah, I'm fanning the flames. I wish you'd be slightly stirring and read this email. We have a lovely email from Steve Sprang. Is it Sprang? Steve Sprange. I'm thinking it's Sprange.

Can we say it's Sprange? That's much better. And also it sounds like somebody mispronouncing Steve Strange. That's great. Oh, I used to love that Steve Sprange in Bizarge. Go on. Hi, Frank, Emily and Gareth. Frank, I was wondering

if you could help. I remember you saying David Baddiel's cat is Chairman Meow. I'm getting a new cat very soon and we'd love to name it something very interesting and not the norm have you any ideas well i always used to say to dave that if i had a cat which i'm i'll be honest with you i'm not partial you know i'm not partial to cats oh no and i'm not going to say that thing that everybody says about oh they're a bit haughty and stuff like that. Because I actually find cats, they come to me and sit on my lap and stuff. I want them to be haughty.

I encourage distance and haughtiness in them. But they want stroking and stuff. And just lately, I've actually got to the point where I sneeze. But they're no whippet either, Frank, are they? And that's what you've been reared with. No, I know that. But I've actually got allergic to cats in later life. If I had a cat now, I'd have to have it Scotchgard.

I don't believe those allergies. I think that's like those food allergies. Oh, you don't believe. You'll be telling me next, you don't believe in corn circles. So if I, and I always said to Dave, if I was going to choose a cat's name, I, my favourite film is a film called true grit a john wayne film okay cowboy film and he had a cat in that and it was called general sterling price and i think that's such a brilliant name for a cat fantastic i've come up with a good one

come on well his name's steve why doesn't he call it Cat, question mark, Stevens? With an apostrophe on the Stevens. Oh, well, that is absolutely brilliant. Thank you very much. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Gareth's a bit jealous. Tablets in my jacket. That's good. Gareth? No, I have nothing.

OK. He thinks ponds are his area, so he's a little bit jealous. Samuel Johnson, a hero of mine, he had a cat called Hodge. Oh, that's a good name. Yeah. And in the life of Johnson, which is obviously the book about his life, he's talking about the cat. And the writer, James Boswell, says to him,

oh, nice cat you've got, Sam. And he said, well, I'll be honest honest with you i've had cats i like better and he said at that moment hodge looked at him and like he was a little bit offended and johnson said oh but hodge is a very fine cat a very fine cat indeed and i like the fact he thought he'd offended the cat so i think hodge is a rather fine name for a cat but what i'd really like on the on this sort of clever punning funny names for the steve sprange's cat is um i don't know if we're going to top cat stevens i think you might have frightened him off early but we'd like we'd like to know what our uh our readers yes our readers think because we do i don't know if you know but this is going out in braille. Yeah. Well, Sarah

from Stourbridge is straight in. Oh, is she? Oh, I used to live in Stourbridge. Tell her I used to live on the lakeside estate in Amblecote. Will you tell her that? Sarah, Frank used to live somewhere near you. Hey, Frank, my dad called his cat Mandu. I think it's

his name. Oh, that's good. What about Arnold Whisker after the playwright Arnold Wesker it's gone slightly intellectual this morning

don't worry I'll see to it Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio yes that's right

okay um it's still Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio still Emily still Gareth Yes, that's right. OK. It's still Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Still Emily, still Gareth. Where's Gareth? If you were hoping that that was the changeover, then I'm sorry, you're very much out of luck.

Did anyone see Question Time, by the way, this week? Yeah, I did. Oh, what do you think? Well. Oh, dear, what I didn't see. Did you not see it? But your neighbour was in it, Carol Vorderman. Oh, I thought you meant? Well. Hold it. What? I didn't see. Did you not see it? But your neighbour was in it, Carol Vorderman. Oh, I thought you meant Duncan Ballantyne.

Oh, she disgraced herself. I'm sorry. I know she's your showbiz mate, so you've got to be nice about her. She's a very nice woman. I'm sure she is. She doesn't actually live in my flats anymore. I'm sure she is very nice, but it's not enough putting on legally blonde specs. I don't know if she can afford it anymore. Sorry?

Well, she done that thing of putting on legally blonde tortoiseshell specs like me and thinking oh i'll look intellectual oh did she expect some questions yeah she did yeah oh dear um she shouldn't have done that she shouldn't have done that but it didn't go well gareth no it's quite a lineup wasn't it like she was in she was in intimidating company um shir Company. Shirley Williams was on. Boris Johnson. Will Self. Lord Adonis.

It was a bit rubbish. Lord Adonis. I'd love to be called Lord Adonis. The Lord Adonis. I love him. Surely that's what the OC should be called. If there was any justice in the world. But she kept getting it wrong, Frank. She was too informal.

Can you get it wrong on Question Time? It's not a quiz. You get it badly wrong. Like, OK, so when David Dimbleby... Do they get points? I doubt that they do. she was too informal can you get it wrong on question time it's not a quiz you know that don't you you get it badly wrong like okay so when David Dimbleby do they get points I don't think they do when David Dimbleby

does the rounding up saying and next week I'll be and she's going ooh ooh in the background you can't do that

no it's not question time and then what she was doing a kind of a the price is right approach to question time I'm liking the sound of it you're slag to question time. I'm liking the sound of it.

You're slagging her off, but I'm liking the sound of it. And then the Lord Adonis was talking about some inquiry. She said, well, there should be an inquiry into this. And the Lord Adonis said, there is one tomorrow. She said, well, there should be one. And he said, there is one.

And she went, well, I absolutely disagree. You can't say that. Was there any math questions? I think that's the problem. See, that's what you want. You want a couple of things about politics and then a bit of mental arithmetic, really, to even things up a bit.

Well, that's it. Because she's perfectly fine when she's talking about maths. She's perfectly fine. She seems like a lovely maths person. Yes. But she was like a dreadful, embarrassing right-wing auntie who had educated herself from the Daily Mail and Mein Kampf.

Oh my goodness me. She kept saying, they're all getting their knickers in a twist in Westminster. Oh, you can't say that on Question Time. We the people are so tired of politicians sitting in their lives. In case you're wondering, she just burst into the studio.

Well, trying to be the voice of the people when she's like the conservative maths lady or something she's chief of conservative maths is she?

yeah she's trying to like do maths that sends asylum seekers home or something like that oh can I just anyway Rachel Riley's on next week

that'll be better can I just interrupt short skirt sorry we've had an awesome cat name come in. OK, I'm excited. My cat's name is Oedipus.

Oh, I love it. That is good. Has he got an Alsatian called Rex? Very good. Oedipus. Oedipus. I know, I get it. Yes, I'm loving it.

Yeah. That's from Sharon, by the way. What was that other one that came in about the cat name? Oh, we had another lady. Oh, it was Adrian, actually. Someone called Adrian saying, we had two cats from kittens. One sadly died last year.

His name was Alan Cat. Alan Cat? Alan Cat, I quite like. Yeah, I like that. I think including cat in the name as a surname, like Roland Rat, you know, or Yogi Bear. I think cat, I think the full name with cat at the end is quite good. Cat as a surname, why not? Nothing wrong with that.

No, we say that. Okay, so if you've got any funny cat names for Stephen Sprange, who, let's face it, is not short on funny names himself, then send them in, because that's kind of, as you can see, we don't have much to talk about this morning. Anything you want to send in, just send in some stories from your life,

household tips, shopping lists, anything. We could just rescue us, please. Anyway, I'll get back into this row with my agent. I'll just put some... Absolute Radio. Can you believe Anyway, I'll get back into this row with my agent. I'll just put some... Absolute Radio.

Can you believe the show is one year old next week and I've actually played Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen. I don't feel I can top that, but I might top myself. I once heard Kid Jensen play that and in the instrumental break he faded it down and said, The Kid Plays the Boss. Oh, dreadful. And I was going to do it then,

but I didn't think anyone would get the reference, which is reasonable, I think. So I've become fascinated by this legal battle between the Sugar Babes and the Sugar Babes. I don't know if you know about this but the current lineup of the sugar babes oh yeah i can name them can you name the current lineup uh jade yes um amelie okay and heidi heidi yes well i i saw them um close up the other week because i did that um let's dance for comic relief show and they were

on there and i'm sitting there as a judge they're like 10 feet away and they're lovely they're lovely girls and you know singing and all that smashing but they're smashing i'll tell you what they've done they've they've i think they've lost a uniformity of image because okay two of the girls i'm not going to name names but two of them are more of the girls, I'm not going to name names, but two of them are more of the sort of, you know, if you were making a stance about, you know, women, they're in control of their own bodies, why should they, you know, be dieting and all that? They're just natural, and you think, well, that's great.

But if you're going to do that, you don't want to get in then one who's very slim and like a supermodel, because, you know... So they don't match up, you mean? You know when sometimes, have you ever bought a new piece of furniture, put it in the house and thought, oh, now the rest of the house looks... You know what I mean? I know what you mean, like a coat of paint.

It's going to be like that. So you've got the two natural women, which, don't get me wrong, I love, but then you've got the very, very... And I feel that they hate her, right, because they hate her slimness and all that. So you think there's an aesthetic imbalance? I think, yeah, I think they've messed up their image.

What they've done is they've kept some of the old stuff and brought... It reminds me, when Jo Brand, when she first started on the comedy circuit, she used to say things like, I looked at the local points of interest. I went down to the cake shop. I went and did some exercise. I opened my eyes. I mean, she did funnier jokes than that.

But yeah, I mean, she was funny in that. She was great. But I remember Bob Mills, the comedian, saying, I don't know Joe Brown's app, but I could whistle it to you. And it had a very... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she started getting more naturalistic and just talking. And so she'd be saying, yeah, but I could whistle it to you. And it had a very... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then when she started... Then she started getting more naturalistic and just talking.

And so she'd be saying, yeah, and then blah, blah, blah. And then she'd suddenly go... And you could sense the bits of the old stuff. Oh, I see. Anyway, the three former members of the Sugar Babes, Keisha and... Mucha. Mucha.

And Siobhan. They're saying, well, you know, why can't we be called the Sugar Babes? Yeah, they're trying to get the name back. There's a lawsuit. There's a lawsuit in which they get the name. But... I thought the current line-up,

if they could split the name, and the current line-up could have Sugar, which obviously they're quite partial to. Frank! And then the other one could have Babes because he's a bit more apt. Frank, oh my God, I can't believe you said that! No, I'm just trying to make peace!

Can I just say to you... Happy is the peacemaker! Can I just say to you as well... Or is he the kingdom of trying to make peace how dare you say this you're complaining about oh aesthetically they're not very appealing no i never said that okay but you're saying there's an imbalance okay there would be if they're on a seesaw bank may i draw your attention to the fall oh yeah that's very visually appealing isn't it the fall they all look great together. The four are not about looking... You know, I mean, these girl bands... I'll say they're not. ...they set themselves up as being beautiful women.

There's a brilliant balance to the four. There's a very, very ancient-looking man and some young people who look like they're worried for their jobs. Yeah. That's a very good balance. A bit like this studio. It's exactly the same line, obviously. No, I know what you mean.

I think in a band, you need variety. And if there's too many... Like, in a room, you need a load-bearing wall. And you have... So they've got two load-bearing walls at the moment and the sugar babes, and that's... Yeah, but don't get me wrong, though. If there was three like that, it would be great.

I'd respect them for the fact they haven't fallen into the trap of having to stop eating to be in a girl band. But, you know, you've got to be consistent with your image. I feel now I've said a bad thing. Can I say, obviously, I was a single man. Well, we'll soon find out. Et cetera, et cetera. You haven't, so you've alluded to a bad thing.

I think that's all right if you allude to a bad thing. Yeah, I think that's OK. I'm on edge now. I feel like I don't want to say anything sexist on the show I'm just saying that you know I'm not going to keep saying it because I'm digging deeper and deeper and deeper and that's bad

well in the future we'll just not talk about the chubby sugar baby let's not even talk about the future they're not chubby oh my god no I never said chubby he just said it oh my god they might be listening to this no

what if Carol Vorderman is listening oh my god I can see him now in a cafe eggs bacon chips beans radio

radio on behind the counter you know what did he say what did he say then what did he say cheek

yeah the cholesterol babes they could call What did he say? Cheek. Yeah. The cholesterol babes, they could call them. If they don't like sugar. The carb babes. Yeah, I'd be all right with that. The sweeteners, babe. The sweeteners, they could do that. It could be someone to live up to.

God, how long's this link? I'm running out of things to say. What should we talk about now? Shall I sing? Well, I've got something good. Younger than springtime, are you? The NutraSweet babes. That could be a good one.

Yes, too many now. Stop talking about the poor old sugar babes. Listen, we've had a text in. Old now. At 12.15. From, about a cat's name. From Janet and Anthony in Edinburgh. Our present cat is called Claus McGraw.

After my previous cat got neutered, he was called Cain as he was no longer able. I love that! I like Claus McGraw. I think that's really good. Oh, I love it. Could you have Santa Claus for a cat's name? That's a great one.

Call it Santa. Yeah. Although, of course, I wouldn't encourage anyone to give a pet for Christmas because they're not just for Christmas. Well, they say they're for a lifetime. I find they last seven to eight years max. That's without traffic.

Oh, yeah, and they're for at least one season, I find. Yeah, exactly. And this thing about seven years to one year, it's not seven years to one year. They live a lot longer than we do. They don't live the same time but in a very squeezed up way like Campbell's condensed

soup. They live a lot less long than we do. Cats, dogs, generally. They do if I catch on. Let me tell you that. For goodness sake. Tom Basden, by the way, is our guest today. He's a multi-talented young comedian. Just what I need to come on the show. A bit too talented.

Yeah, and show me up. I mean, I'm trying... And relax, OK? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had... Can I just read out a little text to you, Frank? From Michelle. Go on.

Well, you remember you were talking about the sugar babes? I feel bad about that now. I've got guilt. Okay, well, let's talk about it some more. Shell says, Frank, in a few months, Russell Brand will be interviewing you about your radio scandal, which will undoubtedly be nicknamed Babesgate

by lazy journos. Shell. Oh, Frank. I was just making a point. There was an inconsistency of email. I'd be very happy if they were all, like, natural looking. I like women like that. There's going to have to be a sacrificial lamb.

I like women that you can lie not on, but amongst. But don't get a skinny one in, then. You know, keep, you know, sisters are doing it for themselves. Don't let the side down by saying, by giving in and saying, we'd better have one skinny one. Be all natural. That's what I'm saying. Or look like the four, because they look great.

Oh. Now, listen, you're not the only one to have had a moment of shame this week. I disgraced myself. Have I had a moment of shame? Well, yeah, I think we all do. You're right. I feel bad about the sugar babes. I disgraced myself this week, Frank and Gareth.

Oh, good. What happened? Well, you know, I work at InStyle magazine. And there is a canteen upstairs. I don't often go to the canteen. I won't lie. The intern goes for me. But...

The intern? Hold on. What is this? Dr Kildare? What is the intern? Like the work experience person. You know, who's coming in to learn about magazines. Yes.

And what colour I like my tea. So, I braved the canteen. I thought, I'll mix myself amongst the canteen people, but I didn't really know the ways of the canteen people. I didn't know what to do. So I went to get... Great name for a band, that would be, canteen people. I went to get a baked potato.

Yes, I eat carbohydrates sometimes. And I put some salad. I'd say garnish, I'd call it. Not even salad, just like five pieces. Not even a full garnish. Sort of an Alf garnish. Exactly. Yeah.

Yeah. Put it in the polystyrene box at the canteen people favour, went to pay, and the woman looked at me, and I suppose, if I'm honest, I half wondered about the salad. I thought, you know, I did have a moment of thinking, oh, that's too good to be true, it's free. But did you declare the salad? I didn't, Frank. I went through the Green

Channel. If it was customs, I'd have gone through the Green Channel. Okay. Because was it a filling? Well, I don't know. Well, no. A salad is a salad. I haven't been to the even if it's a garnish. So anyway, so the lady looked at me and she went, baked potato?

I said, yeah. And she said, open box, please. What? I said, what do you mean? She went, open the box, please. Oh! Oh, dear. It's like a shag's wife in Harrods.

It sounds a bit like give me your papers, crossing the border. It was awful. Well, there was about eight people behind me all looking, loving it. Loving me being brought down. So I said, I styled it out, I opened it, I went, yes, there's salad there. There's salad. And she said, 30p extra, please. 30p. And did you pay?

I had to. I had to get my coppers out. It was so disgraceful. Do you think the siren would have gone off if you'd left with it? Salad siren. I won't be going there again. Mind you, I'm not going to anyway. Well, now we come to... Every week I play The Fall on this show.

It was the best band in the world. And I'm playing this Fall track especially for salad thieves everywhere and for Emily in particular. Absolute. Radio. We weren't expecting that, Emily Dean. That was Open the Box. Open the Box-octosis by the four. And Tom

Basden has joined us. Good morning, Tom. Hi. Morning. Now, I went to the theatre on Thursday night to see Tom's play, which is called Party. And I must say, and I'm not saying this because he's here, it was fabulous. I laughed consistently throughout. It was great, Tom. Oh, thanks, Frank. I mean, the test saying this because you say it was fabulous i laughed

consistently throughout it was great tom oh thanks frank i mean the test will be what you say as soon as i leave no honestly that was very kind honestly no that is he said he laughed at it if he didn't he would have said people were really laughing that's what i always do yeah he does say that guess to work that out or what he says tom mil God, yeah, you're working so hard on that. You're doing so well with that, aren't you? You guys are having such a good time up there. Why don't you do any of your poetry anymore? Oh, God!

No, anyway, well, yes, there is some truth in that, but as you can see, I did genuinely like it. And I felt I watched the show not long ago, I won't say what it was, but a man came up to me in the interval and said, I did genuinely like it. And I'm happy. I watched the show not long ago. I won't say what it was. But a man came up to me in the interval and said, I watched your face during that. You didn't laugh once. And that's terrible, isn't it?

Yeah. Really? Yeah. Do you know what, though? I guess you run that risk when you've got a recognisable face. Like, a mate of mine was in Othello a while ago at the Donmar. And for some reason, there was like a couple of seats that were... No, it wasn't.

No, no, no. I mean, his face is very recogn some reason there was like a couple of seats that were... No, it wasn't. No, no, no. I mean, his face is very recognisable. And there were a few seats that were lit up, and in one of those seats, Meryl Streep was sitting. And someone was in the audience just saying that everyone just watched Streep for the whole show, so you've got... Basically, you're just watching Streep watching Othello. And that was then the show.

It was sort of interpreting it through her reactions, the whole thing. That sounds all right to me, though, you say. I wouldn't mind watching the street watching. William Shakespeare's street watching a film. Exactly, yeah. I'd go and see that. It gives it a certain street credibility, we might say.

So, Tommy, when did you begin as a comedian? When someone says to you, what do you do, what do you answer? Because you seem to do loads of stuff. I don't tend to say that I'm a comedian because people can get a bit funny about that. If you meet people, just strangers and friends through friends, then I'm sure you've probably had that.

I've lied in the past. But before you were very well known, I'm sure when you say, I'm a comedian, people go, oh, right, yeah, you're really funny. Yeah, exactly. Oh, you think you're a comedian. Yeah, you know, before you were sort of very well known, I'm sure when you say I'm a comedian, people go, oh, right, yeah, you're really funny. Yeah, exactly. Oh, you think you're a comedian. Yeah, people assume

you're rubbish. Yeah. So I've kind of got into the habit of just saying that I'm a writer or an actor, really. Okay. I find that easier.

It's probably a good idea. And people tell you jokes as well, which is... So couldn't you, if someone is going to come... I should say that the play is called Party and it's on at the Arts Theatre.

That's right, yeah. Which they say is in Leicester Square, but it isn't quite, is it? Oh, it's just off. Yeah, it's far enough for me. There's only cinemas in Leicester Square, though. I mean, give them a break. Well, there is the Leicester Square Theatre, but hey, we don't want to plug someone. Is it really? Yeah, slightly. I thought it was slightly off.

Oh, this is an interesting conversation. So, Tom, can you when can they go and see and what will they see? Can you give us a little taste of what the play is about? Yeah, well, first of all, you can see it until the 13th. We're not doing it tomorrow, but we've got two today and then it's next week. And it's about a group of young idiots who are starting a new political party,

but they're completely clueless and sort of struggle with everything, including the name. Like all students, basically, Tom, they reminded me of, to be honest. Yeah, I think so. They're a bit like what I was like, I think. And so I find it a little bit humiliating doing it and thinking, oh, people are laughing at this, so it's fine, I've turned it into something funny.

But at the same time, this is eerily exactly what I was like. I was an opinionated idiot. But that's good because you've made laughing at you into an art form now rather than just something that hurts very much yeah exactly rather than yeah rather than have to kind of face those demons through therapy or something i think you'll find that will come yeah yeah for the moment now let's put it in a play. Well, I love it, and we'll talk more about it in a sec. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

And Tom Baston is with us. Tom Baston, who is in and who wrote Party, which I went to saw Thursday night, and, as I say again, was very, very funny, to the point of... You know, Tom, I not only laughed when the audience laughed, but I laughed on my own as well. I laughed because I laughed so long at some bits in it

that I continued to laugh into the serious bits. Not that it's heavy on serious bits. Oh, that was you. That was me, yeah. I was doing that, spoiling my timing. That was me. It wasn't a deliberate act of... I tell you what I notice is that you're a big collaborator.

Yeah, I suppose I am. See, I find that that's a new trend in comedy. When I started in comedy, whatever it was, 25 years ago nearly, there was none of the people really were... You know, you've got double acts and stuff, but you didn't get,'t get cooperatives of comics that were a bit like, you're in a thing called Cowards, for example.

Yeah, because I've done Cowards, that's with three others and then I do stuff with just Tim and then... Is that Tim Coo? Yeah. He's a friend of the show, he's been on. Actually, hold on a minute, we'll give him the official friend of the show! I'm not saying we asked him first, but he did come on first.

No, no, that's all right. The show was on first. I mean, you know. Okay, okay. Don't want any trouble. I've been a friend of a friend of the show. No. Exactly.

Exactly. If only we had that link, Tom, I'd have hit that now. But do you, so would you approach another comic and say, I want you to, what about doing something together?

I guess within reason, but. See, I'd find that frightening. There's no way, I couldn't ask you now, Tom, what about me and you do a play? Because I can't cope with the rejection. Okay, okay. I once wrote to Alan Bennett and asked him if he wanted to write a play with me. You can

imagine his response, I think. Well, it's a very sweet question. I'll be honest. I'm rather busy at the moment. I was thinking of Richard Griffiths for my next play, but it might be you. Aren't you afraid of rejection, though, when you approach others? Yeah,

I guess, but I guess that sort of goes for anything, doesn't it, really, when you sort of, if you ever want to sort of get someone else to do something either for or with you, you're going to get a bit of that. But I mean, I think the people that I've worked with has come quite organically, where I've just sort of get someone else to do something either for or with you um you're going to get a bit of that but i mean um i think the people that that i've worked with is it's come quite organically where i've just sort of um known them sort of for a while and that i don't think there's been a sort of like a kind of like asking someone out kind of situation where you say you want to work with me and then and then you kind of have to retract it very quickly if they sort of don't look interested

yes so it's sort of been quite straightforward I think really. No traumas? No, not really. And I think the thing is as well now is that it's a really nice way of kind of splitting costs of doing Edinburgh shows. Honestly, doing Edinburgh shows is so expensive that if you can split costs with people

it's absolutely brilliant. That's why they did fantasy football, so they could split the costs. Yeah, I'm still waiting for Dave's half. Well, I never thought of the cost. It's completely Mercantile. I don't like any of these people. I don't even think they're talented. It's a bankroll in my work.

So what is your next project? Have you got something already on the go? I'm mainly writing at the moment, to be honest. I mean, I've just recorded... I turned the play into a sitcom for Radio 4, so I recorded four episodes and the moment, to be honest. I mean, I've just recorded... I turned the play into a sitcom for Radio 4, so I recorded four of those episodes, and they're going to be out from the 10th onwards. And then, yeah, then I'm sort of writing bits and bobs

and trying to get people to kind of film them and stuff. Can I tell you, by the way, I had a meeting at Channel 4 yesterday, and as I left the room, I said, I saw this play called Party. I think you should turn it into a sitcom. So I ended up pitching your play. That's brilliant. You are trying to collaborate.

Thanks. I'm a covert collaborator. You'll never know I was involved at all. I'll just be a point where I look at the contracts and see that you're sort of owed 50% of all the money we make. That's your idea idea that's absolutely true and then one of the blokes I spoke to said he was going to see it this week so anything could happen

oh great but hey I'm doing my bit to help the youth you've got to help the youth that's the way I see it no thank you I don't know if you're aware of this, Tom. You're probably not, but I get to play two tracks of my own choice

each hour. Oh, great. So this is one of them. It's not always great. I think many of the listeners would rather I just stuck to the playlist. I'll be straight with you. I see. Are you kind of willfully obscure? No, no. There's certain things I like that not other people necessarily like. I would never have guessed from the name of this one.

It sounds just very amazing. What, Gilgamesh by Filthy Pedro and the Carthaginians? Yeah. That's so Thanksgiving. Why couldn't that be on the Absolute playlist? I just haven't heard of it. You're such a, you like to just pigeonhole people. Absolute Radio.

We're here with Tom Baston, who is talking about his play. I can't remember, I'm forgetting the name. Party. Party, yeah. I want to say Arts, because it's at the Arts Theatre. That's the kind of... That's because you were once in Arts. Oh, yeah.

That's why you keep thinking of that. It's all make... I don't understand now. There's more than one play. It's not just art. In every theatre. No. See, I'm stuck going to the theatre.

I've seen it now.'ve been in it for three months oh what made such a fool of myself i said i made a fool of myself when i was at your play what did you do oh i did a terrible part oh you know about it tom i told you and i i meant when what happened i went up to johnny sweet oh let me just get comfortable i love a story where you embarrass yourself i went up to johnny, who's in the play as well. He's one of the actors. And I said, yeah, well, it was great. I really loved it, blah, blah, blah.

And I said, you know, I'll see you on Saturday morning. He said, why? What's happening? And I said, well, you know, you're doing the show. And it was so terrible. But then... He thought he'd been propositioned as well. He sort of thought we were going to go away for a weekend with him.

Actually, I forgot. Now you come to mention it. What I was actually doing was propositioning you, of course, but it was an mistake. And I thought, well, I'd better go now because he's going to be hurt. And then I went up to Tom and then to make it worse, I told Tom about that, thus saying I didn't...

That's very you, can I just say? Then I said to you, well, I thought that was you and blah, blah, blah. But you're right to come clean, otherwise I'd have sort of discovered the next day that you'd gone around to about 40 people in the way afterwards Hello, Tom is it? Who's Tom?

You Tom? Where's Tom? So I apologise again Tom I felt so terrible, do you know I actually lay in bed that night thinking about that with a slight shudder on. Oh. Yeah. What do you mean, a shudder on? Don't ask what I mean.

You know when you've got a slight tremble in the shoulder? You're about to go into cringe mode, but you're holding it back. You're sitting on the brink of a cringe. Yeah, that's what Carol Vorderman is like on Question Time. Oh, yeah. Back in the whole nation, it sounds like we're on the brink of a cringe.

A brink of a cringe is... I like that. The brink of a cringe a brink of a cringe is i like that the brink of the i'm sorry tom and no no it won't happen again i felt so bad about it and when you're a comedy elder statesman i think you've got a responsibility to to know the youth yeah rather than become a sort of prince philip of comedy just kind of uh yeah you did very well, were you in it? That's what I was like. Oh, no, that's what you did at that diversity thing, wasn't it? I know, it was terrible. He did a diversity thing. I know, it seems hard to believe, but he did.

I liked it in my bit for the minorities. And we played the specials on it. There you go. Yeah. I haven't worked that out, but I don't like where I'm going with the calculation. Don't forget to mention your website, Tom. It's not mine, it's just

my producer's. You can't just mention any of them. It's artstheatrewestend.com where you can get all your ticket needs. That's all it offers. It's not like Twitter or anything.

Are the tickets for art available? I don't even know if it's still on. Let art go. Move on. It happened. You were great. So I heard. It was a special time for me. People can go and see you today

and tonight. We're on at three this afternoon and then half seven tonight. That's the Arts Theatre and they say Leicester Square but it isn't quite. You can see Leicester Square from outside of it. But you know, you wouldn't want to

don't sit in the Argon D'Arce right? Thinking, well I'll be, you know, I can leave at two minutes to show time because you're going to have to allow at least eight. You've got to cross the road. I'm glad we've cleared that up on the radio. Well, who doesn't go to the Haagen-Dazs?

I can meet people at the Haagen-Dazs at 7.28 if necessary. Could you? Take a little party? Yeah, I can do that. But why would you meet at the Haagen-Dazs? Just go to a members club or something? Oh, I'm sorry, Tom. Emily's from a completely different world. It really, honestly, it's like wife swap sometimes, this show.

And it's this working-class bloke who's ended up with the posh bird, which can be great for a night, but for a lifetime, it's too much. Well, look, Tom, I honestly, honestly, and for anyone, I really would go and see Partey. It's very,. Tell me about it. Well, look, Tom, I honestly, honestly, and for anyone, I really would go and see Part 2. It's very, very funny indeed. And you were, it's brilliantly written and you were very good in it. So well done, mate. Oh, thanks, Frank.

And go today, that's what I say. Well, I definitely will, I'll be there. I think you should go, otherwise there'll be hell to pay. But do stop off at the Haagen-Dazs. Yeah. That wasn't an advert, by the way. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. But do stop off at the Haagen-Dazs. That wasn't an advert, by the way. Don't forget that on Wednesdays you can get our midweek podcast, which is completely original material, which isn't on the show.

We've had a text in on 8.12.15 complaining about me. Yes, complaining about me. Oh, dear. From Adam. I'm going through the Rolode, complaining about me. Oh, dear. From Adam. I'm going through the Rolodex to see if I know any exes called Adam. Very probably. Do you have a Rolodex? Oh, yeah.

And all your exes will go on to one Rolodex. I'm amazed. I thought you'd need microfiche. You should never have made him eat the apple, you know? I know she's old, but that's really impressive, isn't it? Don't, don't. I'm not going to press the button. No, don't bother. Good on you. Frank, don't. Uh-oh. I'm not going to press the button. Hello.

Good on you. Frank, don't let Emily make you feel bad about your sugar babes comment. It's not going away, that Frank. No. How can she be morally superior? B has an E after it. How can she be morally superior when she works for a style magazine promoting superficiality? Adam.

Absolutely correct. Yes, and Anne is nothing but a common thief. Yeah, exactly. And yet she comes in Well, absolutely correct. An and is nothing but a common thief. Yeah, exactly. And yet she comes in here, I'm not morally superior, but I'm superior in pretty much every other way. So there you go. I remember Steve Coogan told me

he'd written a letter to Club International, let's call it a glamour magazine. And he said, I particularly like Stephanie on page 17 in your July issue. She really is. And then he said some various things about what she looked like and her various attributes. And at the end, he said, yeah, please, more,

more, more, and more close-ups. And then at the end, he wrote, P.S., why do you exploit women? No reply, needless to say. So I'll tell you what I did this week. I did something very youth. I watched Twilight. You know, like the cult... Oh, not that vampire thing?

Yes, with Robert Pattinson. Oh, God. Not when day fades into night. No, I didn't watch that. I've watched that many times. In fact, I liked it so much, I've named this section of my career after it. Why did you go and see that?

I didn't go and see it. It was on Sky Anytime. Oh, God. Flexible, you see. So I watched it, and first of all, my girlfriend was saying, oh, I didn't realise, he actually is really good looking. Every woman who sees it says this. I didn't.

His hair, it looked like a drawing of a fire and i hate that on men oh i know exactly what you mean i hate that drawing of a fire look like jedward you mean well yeah or jedford i think jedward is a is a it's gone out of control yeah that's a proper place that's a 999 fire that's a bushfire yeah exactly it's more exactly. It's more of a, that's more like, what was the event when the apostles were visited in their room? Funnily enough, I can't, I don't know. And tongs of fire appeared on their head. Pentecost.

Yeah, tongs of fire. That's what they have. They've been visited by the, yes. Anyway, so I watch it, and I like the vampirey bits. Oh, you don't. I didn't like Teen Love. Frank, I can't honestly, that's my, I'm phobic about those vampire things. I hate it.

That's not a phobia. No, it is a phobia. No, because a phobia is an irrational fear and surely fear of people who will bite your neck and something might make you undead. I'm scared of people making me watch those terrible films. I can't bear it. You won't watch any vampire films? No, I can't bear it. It's just, you're watching a nice thing,

and you think, oh, this looks nice. It's all about relationships, and there's a nice man and a woman, and then someone goes, and there's all fangs and blood and Gary Oldman glasses and top hats and rubbish like that. It's not real. It's awful.

That's how I find relationships in general. No, but I hated the love bits in it. Him and that girl with a small lips well she did have small lips um and but i i like that those bits were you know you know like in titanic where an hour in you're thinking oh where's the iceberg it was a bit like that i'm wanting wanting people to be eaten i was watching titanic thinking why doesn't she go off with that nice bloke upstairs on the upper deck never mind that leonardo dicaprio that's what i thought well i dare say you were thinking what on earth you're doing on the lower deck well that did cross my mind yes

absolute radio um we got paula from reading when i worked in a vets a few years ago there was a cat called dangerous brian He was so small and timid. Brilliant name. Was it his actual name or did they just, that's what they called him? Yeah, they called him Dangerous Brian, but that is with all animals. They don't have an actual name, it's just what people call them.

I've gone to the trouble of getting my pop illegally registered. I've wasted quite a lot of time and money, it seems. Oh no. I hope Stephen Sprange has enjoyed this. We haven't Wasted quite a lot of time and money, it seems. Oh, no. Oh, no. What a ridiculous... I hope Stephen Sprange has enjoyed this. We haven't heard from him, I'm just saying. We haven't heard from Stephen Sprange, but maybe he listens to...

What do we reckon his native cat should be called then, finally? What was our favourite? I liked Alan Cat. Alan Cat. Yeah, I like that. I like Oedipus. Oedipus was very good indeed. Oedipus.

Need a classical education, though, to really appreciate that. Yeah, but that's all right. And I do like General Sterling Price. I mean, that's a really good name for a cat, and it's got a John Wayne connection. Ben Jones has arrived. Has he? He's not speaking to me at the moment.

He's upset about last week. No, he's wearing full legal gowns. Why is that? So what have you got on this week, Em? What have you got on, I say, as if I don't know. She hasn't been going on about it all week. Nothing, I'm not doing anything. I'm just going on the news on Monday

and then... I might be popping up. Have you seen this woman? Yes. Salad thief. No, I'm not talking about the salad theft. I'm talking about Oscar Fashion. I'm going to be on...

I've never heard of him. Yeah. Oscar Fashion, what does he do? He remembers his brother, Justin. Oh. Yeah, go on. What am I going to wear, then? What news are you going to be on?

Because people will want to tune in. Because we've had about 90 texts today saying there's something wrong with your webcam and it's not pointed at Emily. They don't want to see me and you, guys. I love our listeners. They're the best listeners ever. Yeah, but why do they want to sit just staring at you? Not the people who want to go with the webcam.

They don't want to see us. No, they don't. Don't make it happen. Have you got any gay listeners who want to look at us and how lovely we are? No. Or girls, even. I forgot about them.

I forgot they're like men as well. Someone got a one-track did someone did i'm sure someone chatted you i think one of the guests offered you out for a fight he turned he turned so um so what news are you gonna be on and it's the bbc oh it's what was news 24 what is it new bbc news channel i'm on oh it's the BBC, oh, it's what was News 24, what is it? BBC News Channel I'm on. Oh, you're on that? Yeah, it's not like the big news. You'll be like that cab driver who went on and got asked about... I will. Yeah, asked about the new technology.

I will. So you're going to talk about what they wore at the Oscars? Yeah. The Oscars is Sunday. Sunday, so I'll be talking about that on Monday. OK, so it'll be all... Well, I'm really looking forward to that. Can we put it on our website or something?

No, it's embarrassing. No, it might be brilliant. You could get discovered. Because you're only chance now that the webcam's gone down. Often women who get discovered are reported on the news. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Well, I'm looking forward to it.

You know, I've been on telly a time or two, but I still get excited if I see myself on the security cameras in a shop. The novelty has never worn off. Anyway, we're handing you over to Ben Jones. I'm going to try and get out without him punching me in the stomach really hard. He's built as well. He is built. Yeah.

I've noticed that. Yeah, good day to you. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. you.