The Frank Skinner Show - Half Birmingham

Episode Date: April 10, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has a new favourite breakfast and Emily has taken Buzz for a walk with Ray. The team also discuss lazy names, deep fried food and an aggressive cockerel.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We should acknowledge at the beginning of the show that this is a period for many of national mourning and we offer our condolences to the royal family I know they're a special and unique group but bereavement is a great leveler we should acknowledge that but if the Queen lived by one philosophy it was the show must go on,

and therefore we're joining her in that one. So, morning, guys. Morning. Morning. I've received two gifts through the post. Lovely. How to be a comedian. Sick burn.

Cheeky. Open brackets and smash your first gig. Was that from David Baddiel? Close. Well, I don't know, but I've already missed that boat. I'm afraid. Yeah, that's a long time ago. First gig was not good.

And the new comedian's handbook. Again, singularly inappropriate. If only they hadn't had the word new. But they're written by Louise Stevenson. Do you know Louise? Oh, you know the comics. I don't know if I do. I might.

Well, it says... Sometimes I find that I've met people and not remembered their name, especially if I'm about to go on and I'm thinking, which jokes shall I do when I get out there? Shall I talk about that glitter ball that's right in front of the stage or whatever? Yeah, no, no, it's not. I never judge anyone pre-show. That's my life.

That's what I tell people. Yeah. One thing I noticed just from flicking through them this morning, one paragraph begins, the comedy circuit is no place for a fragile ego. I don't think I've ever met a comedian that didn't have a fragile ego, ever, in my life. Do you think it's meant to read, it's the place for a fragile ego? ever in my life. But, you know...

Do you think it's meant to read, it's the place for fragile egos? It's the great showcase for those of us with them. It's where those with fragile egos congregate. Yeah, the dressing room is where five people with fragile egos pretend not to have fragile egos. Yes. Can you imagine if it was, like I say,

like a friend or David who had sent you that? A fellow comic had sent you that book. Oh, dear. Is that the David Baddiel alarm? Apparently, if we ever mention his name, the Love Cats by The Cure plays because he loves cats. Oh, do you know it? That was the deal.

That was the deal that we had. He loves cats? That was the deal. That was the deal that we had. He loves cats? That was the deal? Can I just tell our listeners that we've been sitting around in the studio, Al at home, waiting,

and Faye and Sarah, who run the show, have had the sort of look of people who know that the house is about to fall down, but they don't want the kids to find out. And they keep saying,

it's fine, everything's fine. And an example of the cure coming on mid-chat. Anything could happen this morning. Do you know, I love it when love cuts on because it just, it reminds me of being at the fair. They always play that,

it's very much the fairground thing. It has got that feeling so did you put your elbow on a button is that what happened no I did nothing

very loose in the studio I did nothing I've got my feet up on the desk today I think that Louise sent us these books

because the quote that you I think you quoted Sarah Millican books because the quote that you, I think you quoted Sarah Millican last week Al, that if you have a good gig or a bad gig you still have to be over it by 11 o'clock the next day something I profoundly

disagree with How long do you like to take? Well if it's a brilliant gig I will squeeze the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube maybe a week or two on. If it's a bad gig, I like to do at least a fortnight. Well, you say a fortnight.

How long ago was the Brit? Well, still talking, still pining. And can I give you one more quote, which I found in the book, which, sports and comedy don't mix. I can tell you, Louise, I've got a five-bedroom house. You?

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. OK, so, yes, I should say, by the way, of Louise Stevenson's How To Be A Comedian and Smash Your First Gig and The Comedian's Handbook. Having flicked through, and I only got them about 25 minutes ago, and still found a couple of good comedy-inducing lines. Teach them that, Louise! Hey!

Teach them that, love! It's a joke, it's a joke. I actually think from flicking through, there's actually quite a lot of good common sense about becoming a stand-up comedian. So if you're thinking about it, I think that these books by Louise Stevenson might take some of the pain out, to be fair.

Really? She runs comedy workshops in Brighton, I understand. I mean, If people are considering becoming a stand-up comedian right now, I would question their timing. Well, at least they've got a natural ramp if they start now. They've got to read two books for a start-off.

Well, never mind the Comedian's Handbook, I would like to recommend the Comedian's Prayer Book. What would like to recommend the Comedian's Prayer Book. What a link that was. It's really good. We look out and we look in awe. It's really slick. I don't know if you've come across it.

It's by an author called Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner? Remember her? Congratulations and jubilations. That's just the little black tie he had under his shirt when he sang that. And I'm going, do you want to wait for my review, Al? Oh, I'd like to hear it. What if she really hates it?

And then there's just like an awkward atmosphere for the rest of the show do you want to know how many i'll go on fire it out do you want to know how many stars are yeah six wow oh um of course i don't have a fragile ego I don't want you to think that for one second. It is absolutely magnificent. Thank you, Emily. Those with faith, those without, the agnostics like myself, gather all.

It's a brilliant piece of writing and I recommend it to you, Al. I recommend it to everyone. Oh, okay. Al doesn't... I didn't even want to mention it's coming out to Al why I'm gonna get it okay um well thank you I appreciate that that's very nice can I say I was leaving church on Sunday morning the priest said if you want to sell them at the door

I said no I I don't I don't think I'll be doing that. And then a very nice lady of a similar age to myself, I mean, someone who dressed up for Easter Sunday Mass, which is a dying art. I love people that do that. Said to me, would it be, your book, would it be a suitable gift for a holy person? Well, what, no one's ever asked me that before. They never asked me that about live at the Apollo.

Anyway. I mean, your previous books might not be. No, no. Unless they were trying to unholy. But it was very nice. There's been a bit of bants about it. And you know, I was laughing last week that it was number one bestseller in the Christian poetry chart,

which I thought was not poetry, but I was happy that it was three places above Dante. It is also, this week, I noticed on Amazon, number one in the football biography chart. I think Amazon, when I have a look at their chart um categorization system i think it's it's you know i'm this time is i was three places above dante and in the other chart i'm three places above alan brazil that that car there's something gone wrong with amazon's

uh categorization so if you if you work for Amazon, have a word. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I don't normally eat chocolate. I'm not one of those people. You're not a chocoholic? I'm not a chocoholic. I'm not even... If somebody said to me, and this is an unlikely scenario,

but if I was held at gunpoint and they said chocolate or crisps, there wouldn't be a second's hesitation. Crisps are the queen of the snacks. I tell you what puts me off chocolate is the branding. I don't like the idea or I associate that sort of, mmm, chocolate, I'm a chocoholic it's a bit in the Venn diagram along with mmm need coffee

yes haven't had my coffee yet and keep calm and drink Prosecco tea towels yes God I'm all of these people God I'm so basic well I had a chocolate shredded wheat nest with chocolate eggs for breakfast. A chocolate shredded wheat nest?

Yeah, what you do is you mix chocolate with shredded wheat until it forms a nest-like consistency. I'll say it does. And then you put chocolate eggs in it and you just wait for it to set. And I had it for breakfast and I thought, you know what, it's actually quite a good way to start the day from a sort of, you know, kickstart the day.

Did you have milk with it? No, I didn't have milk with it. I lost milk in it, but I just, yeah, I mean, let's face it, Cocoa Pops are really chocolate for breakfast aren't they yeah

they're chocolate hiding in plain sight I think it's fair to say and when you know you go on your continental holidays and there's like

cake and stuff for breakfast I love that pan au chocolat pan au chocolat which I've never eaten a pan au chocolat without doing a pig impression first of all. Because it looks like the severed snout of a pig, a Pano Chocolat.

That's good. Yeah. Imagine if it's had a slight nosebleed and there's been some coagulation around the nostrils. You know when a pig's took a real good in the face? Move on 24 hours and that sort of slightly clotted look around the nostrils. The problem with the Pau Chocolat is the concept transcends

the reality. To elaborate, I find, I would say nine times out of ten, when bitten, the Chocolat is still hard. Oh, yeah. But I like that. You seem fine with this.

I like this. It's like there's a couple of reinforcing rods going through the sort of croissant. I just like saying pain au chocolat because I don't speak French. Those little tiny morsels of French we have to go ho ho ho with. Very, very enjoyable. I'm going to say negligee. There it's out there.

If you're wearing one this morning, God bless you. And better for you than bacon, apparently, for breakfast. What, negligee? No, well, probably, yeah, according to Robin Asquith was telling me.

Where do you both stand on pain aux raisins? Oh, I don't think I've ever heard of it. I don't know what that is. I think you might be able to imagine. Bread with icing. Is that what it is? The raisins. Yeah. Oh, well, that's all right.

On this show, I have chocolate raisins, and not only have I become addicted, but my sister-in-law phoned me the other day holding up an empty packet of chocolate raisins and said, see what you've done to me. They are phenomenally... I'd say there's something else I was thinking. Do you remember last week I mentioned

that people called Aaron or Aaron might want to question their parents about how much effort they put in with the boys names book when they went for that one I was also thinking

about you know just like lazy naming. Oh, yes. Like a safe, for example. Somebody came up with the word safe. What should we call this box for keeping things safe? What about a safe? Ha!

No, but really. No, I'm serious. Or a fly. Yeah. You know, people have serious. Or a fly. Yeah. You know, people have just, have not gone... Orange. Yeah. Whoever named Mexico City.

So if you can think of any examples of lazy naming, we'd love to hear from you on 8, 12, 15. I'm going to start a collection. Maybe I'll bring out a book of Lazy Naming. I can send to the comedy tutor, Louis Stevenson. It's sort of a tit-for-tat. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You were talking earlier about Lazy Naming.

Yeah, Lazy Naming. Tell you what, he's lit up the switchboard, hasn't he? Page one, the safe. Yeah, exactly. Have we got some examples? Oh, loads. Oh, good. Good ones, too.

We've got all manner of examples. We have the handler, 84. He suggests Green Park. Very fine. Meanwhile, Keith Miller puts forth... Keith Miller, the old Australian cricketer. Yeah, him. No, probably not.

No, Keith Miller, the occasional blogger and advocate for the Brussels Sprout. Oh, lovely. Keith Miller says doghouse. Yes, yes, OK. Keith Miller says doghouse yes I had to think about it for a bit you're our dog correspondent do dogs still sleep

in kennels outside does that happen anymore well you remember Butch from Tom and Jerry who forever dwelleth at the door of his at his dog house it was a bit of a devil dog though but it was yeah and a cartoon which makes it less problematic yeah true less less uh less sensitive to temperature yeah well i don't there's only one person that was a cab driver

I had once I've encountered whose dog slept outside in the modern era. Yeah. And I think he was telling me that to slightly judge me

because Ray was wrapped up in a pink blanket at the time. And also, surely to emphasise his own no-nonsense approach to life.

He did. He looked in the mirror. No-nonsense, open brackets, cruelty, closed brackets, approach to life. It was a very cruel moment. I think he was Italian, perhaps. It's much warmer there as well, you see. Well, he was Mediterranean,

and he looked in the rear view mirror and he said, as he saw me cosseting Ray in the pink blanket, he just said, my dog sleep outside. But he might mean that it was no longer with us. No, I think it was his... He'd gone for a very long sleep. They're a very poetic race.

It's like, you know... Anyway. Anyway, sorry, Al, do you have some examples? Please, more, more. Good examples of unimaginative naming of things 859

there is a road up in the blue mountains near Sydney called Mega Long Road and they add yeah it's really long I imagine

there's a lot of it in Australia because you can imagine them going very there are direct people. There is an avenue road near me, which is fairly poor. Think about it. I suspect they have loads of that, Al.

Like great big flaming line. Yeah. Sorry, Al? 840 has texted, only just turned on the radio, so may have covered this, but there's a town in Wales called Welsh Town. Is there really? that's brilliant and aldale neil has said sleeping bag why can't life be like we don't all know what we were doing there you know i'm a great champion of the uh and then everyone should wear a name badge

with their name and profession on it. Then you wouldn't have your forgetting names issue out. Jamie Sherrington has suggested fireplace. Yeah, that's good as well. I like... Use the word place particularly. Good. Oh, they make me happy.

Oh, by the way, I had a vegan egg. Speaking of Oh, they make me happy. Oh, by the way, I had a vegan egg. Speaking of Easter, I had a vegan egg in the shape of an aubergine. Extraordinary. And the joke, it was a pond. I think that was why it was bought for me, because it was a pond. It was called an Easter egg plant.

Oh, that's good. Yeah? Do you see? I do see. Yeah, I was very... I didn't realise, is this a big Mo thing, that cream eggs are only available for a brief period throughout the year?

Well, we talked about this last week and I thought that that used to be, I thought they were seasonal and then I thought that they then were so popular that they abandoned that and sold them the whole year round. And then someone suggested last year they're now seasonal again. Alan seemed to be sniggering at the use of seasonal from Frank Skinner. It gives them a perishable sound that I don't think they have.

I don't like the texture of them, personally. It's like a sort of locket. It's a locket for the well. Do you know what I mean? I don't like that when you bite in and it's all inside. There's no purchase within them.

Oh, there's no Bruce at all No, I like something you can I quite like the vegan aubergine egg I wouldn't have known if they hadn't have told me as I think they said on that programme there's something about Miriam

Okay, don't play music Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Can I say on the lazy naming It struck me that a fridge could have been called If a safe is a safe A fridge could have been called a cold Couldn't it?

We need a new cold That one isn't really I remember my biology teacher Mr Halliwell need to get a we need a new cold that one isn't really i remember my biology teacher mr halliwell used to get very stroppy if we if we spelt fridge f-r-i-d-g-e because that was not an abbreviation so we had to spell it f-r-i-g that was his thing even though no one else in the world spelt it like that what a dreadful man he was very um he was one of the most beige people i ever met in my life he was he found a beigeness where he could walk into a clothes shop i think and he would smell beige like some sort of bloodhound i mean he had

he accessorized in beige, on beige. But I think I was slightly in love with his wife, who was a games teacher. Okay, let's put that in a box. Another late review. Lazy naming. Charles Dickens has got in touch. Oh, yeah?

No. Yeah. For reals. And has suggested picture frame. Yeah. Are reals, Anne has suggested picture frame. Yeah. Are you with Dickens? No, no, I'm with Charles Dickens. He's got a bit less verbose than he used to be. He's much more direct.

We've had, yeah, 17 continuous texts from Charles Dickens saying picture frame. 988 Julie. Sorry. 988 Julie. Sorry, 988 Julie. She has texted hairdryer, which I enjoy. Oh, that, yeah. You know, Julie, whenever I hear the name Julie, our previous producer, Daisy, told us that when she was a child,

her and her sister ran an imaginary cab firm. Ah, the aspirations of the poor and uh an imaginary cab firm called julie you should know yeah exactly i'm still aspiring and um julie's cabs it was called in which they both were called julie that's what i like about it were called Julie. That's what I like about it. And the only joy of that for me is I once went in a... I don't know if it still exists,

but there's a... There's a restaurant on the road, on the Wolverhampton Road from Birmingham to Wolverhampton called Jonathan's. I don't know if I've been to that one. I don't think you will have. It was full of victoriana anyway um it's had jonathan's but without the apostrophe s and i said to the man

what the boss man it should be an apostrophe and i saw him warm and i knew i'd gone wrong because he was a bloke who couldn't wait to tell me that him and his partner were both called jonathan and so it was the plural of jonathan's the name of the thing right into his trap ah man now it was one of the greatest childhood games although i would like to also put forth the childhood game i played with my sister which was agents we played theatrical agents and my sister wore a sort of clowns wig for some reason okay and sunglasses because we thought that's what agents would wear sunglasses indoors yes and i don't quite know we would just use the phone and we'd talk and we'd say the national theater on the 14th absolutely not and slam the phone down if somebody said to me

someone you know used to play agents guess what my first what about my agent phoned me and said i heard heard Graham Norton went well. He said, I missed it, unfortunately. The elephant in the room was Sky Plus, On Demand, Catch Up TV, YouTube. iPlayer. All piled up. And I just, I let it pass. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Just do what you do to the show.

Al, I'd like to tell you about a lovely walk I had this week. Well, I'd like to tell you as well, Frank, because you don't know the full story. No, I only saw the beginning and end of it. I took Buzz for a walk with Raymond this week, Al. Buzz is my eight-year-old to those who are new to the show. Well, it wasn't just nice. It was fabulous.

We started, it started with a text. It started with a text. If Hot Chocolate was starting now, that would be the title of one of their songs. What I liked... Because it started with a kiss. That's very unlikely, isn't it? No.

I mean, that's opportunism. Tunism. Anyway. It's bold, yeah. Sorry. So, I like that. Buzz obviously thought, well, look, I'm meeting her today, so I think I'll reach out to her.

Yeah. her today so I think I'll reach out to her. So he sent me a lovely text and it was a gif of a rabbit. Oh yeah. A rabbit popping up in front of some eggs to say Happy Easter. Oh yes. He loves a meme.

And it said hiya. Oh no but that's never going to take off. Is it gif or gif? I say Gif. Somebody told me it was Jif. Well, you keep saying Jif and see how that goes down. Jif, of course, is an Easter thing. The Jif lemon. I loved this.

So it just said, hiya, happy Easter. And so I replied out with a video of Ray scratching the sofa. Ray is Emily's dog. And do you know, there was a little pause. Not an elderly relative. No. Who communicates through fabric. Or Winston.

And then Buzz replied. He said, nice video, exclamation mark. And then he said, I never knew dogs used scratch cards as well. Very good. Did he win anything? Ah, what a... My boy, my boy. So it started with a joke.

It started with a joke. That's more like it. OK. I made my way out over to Skinner HQ. I'd arranged for the pick-up. Five bedrooms. I was like the weekend access parent I felt like picking Buzz up. Every parent, no matter how loving, is glad of a break. Were you glad that I took him out? It was lovely. Me and Kath sat in the garden and talked she in about two inches

of sunblock and a broad brimmed hat Kath is like it's like living with Dracule is that she puts so much sunblock people think I am exhibiting the Northampton clown when we go out for a walk

it was all lovely and then I went to pick Buzz up from yours. And then, unfortunately, though, before I arrived, I did have a slight run-in with a white van man. Did you? It was a Sunday as well, wasn't it? It wasn't just any Sunday. Easter Sunday, they shouldn't even be out.

And it was very busy around Frank's area. There were people vying for spaces. The parking fairy smiled on me. I found one right outside. I thought, great. I pulled up out. You know, your classic parallel. Pulled up alongside the car, indicated, reversed the car in.

Beautiful. The day Reginald Mole Husband got it right. traversed the car in. Beautiful. The day Reginald Mull husband got it right. Well, suddenly a white van speeds up, drives into the space, whilst my rear's inside the space. Oh, no.

Not acceptable. That's awful. I decided, normally my policy, when this sort of thing happens, is when they go low, I go lower. Okay. But I felt actually it was

Easter Sunday, I want to rise above it. So you don't follow the Michelle Obama when they go low, we go high. Oh no. I descend right to the basement when they go low. Apparently she was in a barbershop quartet as a child, so I think that's where she got that.

Talking about Harleys. I thought, if he wants that space so much, he can have it. I looked over at the white van man. I saw a bulldog in the passenger seat. Oh, thank God it was in the passenger seat. I thought this was going to be a tale of the supernatural. It had a triumphant expression that I didn't altogether like, the bulldog. Oh, I always think they look slightly apologetic, which should have been apt.

No, this one looked gleeful. He was a gleeful bulldog. And he was staring at me. And there was something humiliating, I'm not going to lie, about the bulldog had taken the space off me. Yeah. And I thought, I'm sorry, Albert, I'm not going to lie, about the bulldog had taken the space off me. Yeah. And I thought, I'm sorry, Albert, I'm afraid I did say something. OK, I think we'll leave it there.

I'm just going to make sure this is broadcastable. Exactly. Do you want to know what I said to the man in the white van and the bulldog? I do. Al? Yes. Or should I say, oh, yes. Somebody has suggested that it's possibly the Churchill insurance dog.

Yeah, it's just that. I'm sure other insurance dogs are available. No, this one was in the front, Al. It's just a dash ornament. Insurance dogs are available. No, this one was in the front, Al. It's just a dash ornament. So the bulldog's staring at me gleefully. Favourite dash ornaments.

8, 12, 15. Oh. Box of tissues in a gold case. Tissue box case. OK. Taj Mahal shaped. I bet. So anyway, the bulldog staring at me,

the man in the white van, I just thought... Hoola girl. This is a... You know what? This is a great moment for you. I'm going to let you have it. Oh, you didn't. I'm going to let you have it.

But I'm not going to go without saying something. No, of course not. That's not really let you have it but i'm not gonna go without saying something no of course not that's not really letting him have it is it it's not remotely letting him have it i buzzed down the window you see and notice i didn't say wound down the window i wind down the window because we say that and actually none of us do that these days and that's really the classic car that's a good point uh so i took down the window i looked in i said oh well just so you know i started with just so you know of course he knew course he knew i said just so you know i was driving into that space yeah he said me too Me too.

OK. Oh. I said, see, I was already on it. I said, yeah, I was actually just about to go into that space myself. He said, great minds think alike. Oh, did they? Oh, I don't like him. Yeah, speaking as an outsider.

Do you know what I said? I'm not proud of this. It was a slightly embarrassing thing I said. I don't know. You know when you're a bit angry and you say... You didn't say get a life, did you? I think it's in that ballpark. Okay. Al, I'm really embarrassed.

I feel a bit embarrassed. Can I tell you what I said? I'm just tense. It's not broadcastable. Okay. It's a bit... I said, what a gentleman. Thank you.

Ooh, zing. Ah. That's a good zing, I gentleman. Thank you. Ooh, zing. That's a good zing, I think. Very good. It's a bit Lady Bracknell. I mean, what a gentleman. Did he look at all hurt? No, the bulldog did, though. Oh, good. The bulldog raised one paw to his forehead in anguish.

Maybe just covered his eyes. I then, so that was that. Get to the house, wandered off with Buzz. First thing, but it was all great. I thought, I'm not going to let the bulldog and the white van man, I'm not going to let that, I'm not going to have that sort of cloaked on my shoulders to ruin the harsh old mellow.

Good on you. Again, I'm going against Sarah Millican's rule. If I have an incident like that, I'll carry it for the rest of my life. I can pull up now an incident from 40 years ago that'll still make me feel sad and humiliated. Well, I started Buzzhelps because he's a very joyful little boy.

So we're walking down the road. I said, thanks for sending me that joke. He said, oh, did you like it? He said, you know what I did? I thought of that suddenly. I went upstairs and I thought, actually, I think that would be a really good joke to make. Yes. We've all done it. He said, I went downstairs and I thought, I was going to send her that. He said, did you like it? I said, it was great. Excellent.

So we discussed the joke for a while. Then we looked over the other side of the road. White van man and the bulldog are there. Okay. I said, Baz, I told him the story quickly. Do you know, he was so good, Al. He said, we, just walk quickly. Well, just walk quickly away from him.

Okay, so you didn't have a... There was no rematch. We didn't have an incident. There was no thriller in Manila. But do you know the next thing Buzz said to me, Al, which I loved? Wouldn't that be a great name for if you got an exciting letter, by the way? Yeah. If it arrived in a Manila envelope, I'm going to write that down.

Do you know what Buzz said to me next, Al, which I wasn't expecting, and I absolutely loved? We were walking, we were chatting about music. He said, what music are you into? I said, oh, I like, we both discovered we both like the 80s, we both like Elvis. And then he said, you know, Alice Cooper's had the vaccine. I said, sorry.

I said, I didn't actually buzz. He said, I don't know, he's had the vaccine. He said they both had it. I said, both? He said, yeah, him and my grandma, Sandy Mason. I said, so why are you mentioning them together? And he said, they're both around the same age. Yeah, same eye make-up.

Yeah, he's mad about Alice Cooper. I don't know how that happened, but he's absolutely obsessed with him. It's a funny old world. So I'm having my walk with Buzz and we ran into a father and daughter and they had a cavapoo and we said hello. Ray went over to say hello to the dog.

It was a charming dog. Nice people too, nice humans. And the father, he introduced himself. He said, this is Chloe. My name's Dennis. And Buzz said, the Beano, right? Huh? Good reference.

Reasonable. I think that probably wasn't plain word association. And then what I liked is he said he said buzz said where did you get your dog he said oh she was from birmingham and buzz said i'm uh i'm half birmingham on my dad's side and then he said which i liked um cheltum on my mom's side i like the idea of being half birmingham on my dad's side also when you're on hamster heat it's good to establish a bit of Cheltenham. I think you might have to Cheltenham, actually,

just to drive him. Of course. We had such a lovely time out. And the fact that we saw White Van Man at the end of the walk having a picnic with the dog and had to run in the other direction didn't mar the day. That's quite nice that he was having a picnic with the dog. It didn direction. Didn't mar the day, didn't... That's quite nice

that he was having a picnic with the dog. It didn't Andrew mar the day. I suppose it was good because you knew he was there so you could go and slash his tyres on the van. Yeah, I think that's a bit over the top. Maybe a key just down the side. It made me warm to the bulldog

slightly as well. Having a picnic with the bulldog. But it's a bit unsavoury. They're not strangers to draw. I think it's fair to say. I also discovered, we will move on now, but Al, I did discover something strange about Frank. Oh, yeah?

Go on. In his garden, I had a look through his garden he's got uh he's got a golf club sticking out of the soil yeah buzz yeah it's a bit strange isn't it it's um we um we've buried the wreckage of tiger woods' car in the garden, and that's so that we can find it for insurance purposes. It's a long story, but me and Tiger go way back. He came for tea. Unexpectedly, a mannequin he ate.

But yes, so that's why it's there. We've also been discussing all sorts of things, but we've had on the go things on the dashboard, favourite thing on the dashboard. Dan Smith has suggested sun-damaged A to Z. Oh, God, yeah. And A to Zs, they took dog-earing to a whole new level. You could have, like, 50 they took dog-earing to a whole new level. Yes. You could have like 50 pages all dog-eared

and none of them overlapping the other, so you'd get big, fat corners on your A to Z. Yeah. Apparently, I was told by an optician, that was where most people realised their eyesight was going, was trying to read an A to Z in half light in their car and they found they couldn't read it. Oh, the interesting facts just keep on coming. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

I would like to somewhat change the subject and I'm not suggesting that there's a class divide on this show but Emily strolling around Hampstead Heath talking about picnics and dog walks I would like to talk about deep fried food which is, I'm not making a joke here but it is a subject close to my heart Yeah, probably very close to your arse

isn't it yeah exactly my arse is a furring as we speak well strap in because it's going to get

worse it's great it is great it's great I've had deep fried locust and it's still tasting pretty good and scorpion there's something about deep frying I've had deep fried locust and it still tasted pretty good. And scorpion.

There's something about deep frying. It transforms. Well, you need to get yourself to West Yorkshire where a chip shop in Leeds have started doing a deep fried chip butty but it's the whole chip butty. You i mean by a body don't you i wonder how colloquial that is everyone knows that i know it a bread roll full of chips do you remember when we were doing the show in edinburgh and we had a bacon body that had no butter on it oh yeah i had some debate about whether that could be called a. I've perhaps ramped it up to say you were outraged. I was outraged in a relative fashion, certainly.

I just thought it was a tight descriptions act. I don't know if that still exists. Anyway, yeah, carry on. Well, what these, I'm going to call them heroes or innovators in Leeds have done is they've put chips into a butty with sauce or gravy or curry sauce or mushy peas, and then they deep fry that, the whole thing.

They put the whole caboodle in there and deep fry that. Oh, like the envelope of doom. Oh, it sounds amazing. I bet it does. I love the fact that there's deep fried things inside a deep fried thing. It's like a Russian doll approach.

Do you know those sort of medieval banquets when there would be a wren inside a chicken inside and all that? Is it a cockatrice or something? Probably a cockatrice. I don't know what it is. I think that's what it's called. Yes, I think you're right. Courtney Cockatrice I I don't know what it is. I think that's what it's called. Yes, I think you're right.

Courtney Cockatrice, I think, was the medieval sitcom Friends. Anyway. This thing is available with chips. Can you actually get it with chips? You can buy the deep fried butty with chips. Imagine the texture, though. One can mock these things.

And if there's one thing that the newspapers like, it's the term a thousand calories. Yeah, they love that. Yeah, that's the prize. But imagine, because fried bread has got that fabulous crustiness and then it's got a sort of softness on it. Because I only fry one side, I don't know about you. I leave the other side clammy. side. I don't know about you.

Do you? I leave the other side clammy. Oh, I don't have fried bread. I flip it when I do it. I don't fry bread. I leave it like the surface of brie on the B side. And then, so you got through that. And then the chips start, oh, man. Do you fry bread, Al?

I don't often, but I'm, you, but I'm aware of it as an idea. I'm aware of it. I'm aware of a number of things I don't indulge in. I saw a US fast food festival, and you can imagine that's the top end of fast food. They appeal to a wider audience. Yeah. For them, a thousand calories is like the footnotes. It's not even...

Exactly. And one of the things that they had was deep... They're the ombre grande of the dietary world. And one of the... One of the jewel in the crown of the new stuff on show was deep fried butter. That is like, just like eating Russian roulette.

And I just like it when people say, let's start. It's the melted butter. That's what we're after. And the batter. Let's just, butter, batter. You can't go wrong.

We've just had a contribution to the uh lazy naming oh yes uh h.e barrett men with the name guy oh yeah very good lovely work h.e barrett well done baza we're talking about the by the way i was looking at that article we're talking about the... By the way, I was looking at that article. We're talking about the deep fried. The chips look fantastic in that shop. Worth a drive to Leeds. You know, Elvis used to send his private jet, because there was

a shop or a place a couple of states away that did a deep fried banana and peanut butter sandwich that he loved so much that he'd send his private jet to go and get them. Wow. Ah, top man.

Wasn't it cold by the time it returned? I don't know if he was that aware of things like temperature. Also, that's the beauty of the jumpsuit. I think this is preamp. You've got no exposed areas. But why a chip shop? You know, I've met, we used to have a chip pan at home

and all that and you can get your oven chips and all this. But why is it that chip shop chips are always better than anywhere else you get chips from? Even if you go to a posh restaurant you will get chips as nice that chip shop chips are always better than anywhere else you get chips from? Even if you go to a posh restaurant, you will get chips as nice as chip shop chips. No, you won't. That's a good point.

I suppose you could say clothes shop clothes tend to be better. In the homemade. Yeah. Although I will have to, sorry, take issue with you when it comes to fried bread not a fan not just not a fan i find it quite sickening oh okay i mean i've seen the only place i've seen fried bread if i'm going to be totally honest is in a disappointing hotel buffet. Okay. I'd say it's certainly, I've stayed in a lot of B&Bs. Yeah.

I never have a fry-up in a B&B because I don't know what they do to a fry-up in B&B, but they seem to render the whole thing two-dimensional. So bacon, it's not supposed to be flat to the plate like a transfer.

It's supposed to have been cooked into a little curvy crispy and spongulate yeah exactly it should undulate as as the sea it should not be i suppose it's a very tranquil body of water is what it looks like and flat the tomato does not need the serrated flinstonian trouser leg no I don't I like a serrated half tomato I like that

yeah but that bread because that when you put the top on it stops them gliding around like a cog like a fabulous

cog I like to think that if you put a serrated half tomato in front of another one and turned it the egg

and the sausages and everything would turn as well, like a fabulous machine from, is it modern? What's the Charlie Chaplin film? Modern Times. Modern Times, exactly. Thank you.

I don't normally work with a prompt, but that was great. Thank you, Al. Here's to help. Yeah, I just think the concept of the fried bread, chips are the only thing I will tolerate, but I don't like this toppings business. Gravy and peas or whatever it is. I like the fact they've taken a

let's throw everything in approach to it. I wonder if this chip shop has tried deep frying the canned drinks and everything. When a friend gets a blowtorch and they just have a go at everything that they can possibly see, I wonder if there's just an element of that to it. It's like a hastily packed bag, this deep fried sandwich. It reminds me of when Kat's water's broke and we realised we hadn't packed her hospital bag and I just ran round the house picking up everything that looks soft and putting it in the bag. Is it a bit

like one of the suggestions for Lazy Name, which is the Holdall? Oh, yes. That's good. Of course they don't. Hold nothing more like. Hold It's good though Holdall Yeah The thing is with the lazy names I have to stop and think about it You have to stand back from them a bit We're too close in many ways Yeah

So yeah we'll be back to the Botty I'm fascinated Why don't we go to Leeds after the show That sounds like a terrible album Back to the body. I've got... Back to the body. I'm fascinated. Why don't we get to Leeds after the show and get one? That sounds like a terrible album, Back to the Body. Oh. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner.

I'm with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. We're on 8-12-15. If you want to text us, you can just follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show. Why don't you via the Absolute Radio website? Well, Simon F. has emailed the show. Simon F.? Mm.

Okay. He has emailed the show, or rather he's tweeted the show. Deep frying, he's used the colon, which is somewhat underused, I find find in punctuation these days yeah i heard about a burger in a bun but i like he's beginning this like a sort of uh samuel taylor coleridge i heard i heard about a burger in a bun alliteration early on yeah yeah it's actually got the tone of a sir ozzy mandius is um i heard about a burger in a bun battered and deep fried okay so imagine that we've got the burger you've got your bun

it's battered and deep fried okay then that nicely put i don't get that but i think i'm i'm with i don't get it but it sounds uh i um i just accept i'm not going to get a fractal geometry joke but i like the fact that they exist i with Al. My first thought on that was too much bread. I'm not a big fan of... I'll eat a whole fry up and not have any bread at all. I mean, I like the squidgy. It is a weird thing. I'm not questioning evolution before the scientists start sending it,

but it is weird that human beings, you would think instinct has kept us alive all these years. But like salad is a desperately sad and depressing experience. Whereas like fried bread, bacon, chip, body, everything draws you towards that. How have we survived if that is our natural instinct? Age 12, 15. How have we survived? Well, we do get quite a lot of scientific types listening to this show.

Oh, we do. It is a weird thing. You know when people say, oh, listen to your body and all. If I listened to my body, I would just eat deep fried food. That would be... My body's an unreliable source of advice

mine's an amusement park mine's a temple part of my body is a temple just the two bits on the side of my head Ryan McCormack oh I like the sound of Ryan McCormack he ought to be a handsome leading man

In Hollywood Yes he ought to be He might well be He has offered for Lazy Naming Washing up liquid That's good It's nice I like it 275 on the subject of Lazy Naming

Texted I think the animal world is full of these but my favourite is probably Anteater yeah that's good someone took the afternoon off with that one and that's from Harry I think so isn't it an odd vark

colloquially known as an Anteater possibly but it doesn't matter Ante eater is still No, no. It's true. absurdly lazy. If we go back to the chip butty, the thing I like about this story

is that when it comes to deep frying food, Scotland has really sort of taken the biscuit, if you will. In that everyone talks about the deep fried Mars bar, and then this chip shop in Leeds in West Yorkshire has sort of gone, Scotland, hold my beer. I'm going to show you.

And they've put a chip butty into a deep fryer. You think that we've stopped innovating and then along comes a story like this? But I seem to remember, see, most of the chips I ate as a young man chip shop chips i ate on the way home and so i was combining eating chips with exercise a bit the way some people have a treadmill at their desk standing desk so i i'm wondering if I was actually walking the calories off as I consume them. Well, it's a nice form of self-delusion.

I used to work. Briefly, I worked in a fish and chip shop. Did you? You didn't. And the man who run the fish and chip shop, I remember him coming in with a small bottle, it's a small bottle of vinegar, which he put into this sort of gallon container and then just topped it up with water. And that was the week's vinegar. It was a sort of Ribena approach.

Did you get to wear the white lab coat? I know, We were backstage. Oh, were you? Oh, yeah, we were. We were out amongst the shiny silver. Were you not client-facing? Not client-facing, I'm afraid. That was another part of the deal.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I know I'm showing off with my chip shop connections, but I worked briefly backstage in a chip shop. I also knew the daughter of Mr Codd. Oh, did you? Yeah. I worked with the daughter of Mr Codd.

Are you familiar with Mr Codd, Emily? Let me just think. Absolutely not. Okay. He was in the popular play Goodbye Mr Chips. That's who Mr Chips is saying goodbye to. No, that isn't true. You know what?

Had he been in the popular play Goodbye Mr Chips, I would have known him. Yes. In fact, he would have known him. Yes. In fact, he might have featured in our childhood game Agents. Yes. Well, Mr Codd was a chain of fish and chip shops. It feels, when you first hear it, like it's a pun. And then when you think about it, it isn't. It's just taken one of the things you get in a

chip shop and made it like a man's name. But he was like the founder and I think I suspect he still is and like the CEO of Mr. Cart. When you say he owned the chip shop. A string of

chip shops. When you say CEO you spell it it in C-S-E-A. What does that mean? C, as in where fish come from. Oh, lovely. Yeah, CEO is the title of the folk song that the staff had to sing every morning. And we do take our food from the CEO. Oh, oh, the CEO. we get our fish from the ceo

we get our chips from the ground but the fish comes out of the ceo right then thanks a lot everyone and um aob alan no no everything's fine fine Little meeting there at Mr Codd Did you get to know Monsieur Codd? No, I met him at her wedding I think She'd had an enormous row with her brother at the wedding

Well he's a salty character I think she went on to be Very good She went on to be a glamping mogul. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't want to get into funny names for shops, but whenever I think of a fast food shop,

I used to work in Boreham Wood, and there was a Chinese takeaway there called Lots of Rice, and I always felt they were pushing the wrong aspect here. It's like if we called this show lots of adverts. No disrespect to our advertisers, obviously, without whom. Lovely people. Without whom, et cetera, et cetera. Have we had any more Alfresco?

We have, actually. Alfresco Mond. Yes. We've had, well, we keep getting these lazy namings through. Good. But we've also had Ian Stewart Dootson, who's one of our regulars. Okay. Has a correctione for you, Frank.

Okay. Dear Frank. Shall I hit the correction? Sure. It's one of our finestly mixed jingles. Correction, correction, ole, ole, ole. Oh, yes.

So there you go. That's one of the best mixes we've ever done. So what have I done wrong? What I like is he says, Dear Frank, Divine Miss M and Alan. It's a lovely

formality to his tweet. I don't mean to make aardvark of this. Very good. But these two are not the same. He's then... What, the aardvark and the anteater? Yeah. There's a link he sent called the eight top differences between the aardvark and the anteater. Yeah. There's a link he sent called The Eight Top Differences Between the Aardvark and the Anteater

with Pictures. Okay. Well, I think we'll come back to this. I'm keen to know at least a couple. Okay. Isn't there a song, a children's song, called These Two Are Not the Same? One of these things are not like the others.

Oh, yes. From Sesame Street. Oh, well, there you go. Can you tell which thing is not like the other before me finish me song, is I believe how Cookie Monster like to say it. Okay. And this was the one that taught children spelling and grammar.

Is that right? Yes. Okay. Who was hosting that week? Tarzan. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. that wig Tarzan we were talking earlier well you were

being corrected earlier Frank were you the differences between oh yes the aardvark and the ant eater

would you like to know some yeah just give us a couple of a couple of his best his greatest hits, differences. Aardvark. Don't eat ants. Is that what it's going to be?

Aardvark, they have teeth. And Teeter, no teeth. Wow. OK. Aardvvark muscular tails with no hair okay Anteater

bushy tails okay muscular tails with no hair sounds like a book category for the biographies of Jule Brenner

and Duncan Goodhue and then finally i want to leave you with one guys ardvok they live in burrows yeah and teeter entirely terrestrial animals oh they don't borrow it's quite big a big difference. To be fair, I thought there were going to be minor differences about, you know, the snout dimension and all that. But in fact, oh, well. And they look like those things that people drink wine out of on Spanish holidays. They look like you could pick up an aardvark

and drink wine out of its nose. A carafe. No. Oh, they're not carafe. You couldn't pick up a carafe and do drink wine out of its nose. A carafe. No. Are they carafe? Al, they're not carafe. You couldn't pick up a carafe and do that. They're too tall. They're those things,

they use them in sort of competitions and things to show they've drunk a lot of wine. It's how far you can get away from your mouth and still it's still going in. Oh, it's pathetic. Yeah, well, you know. I like the contest. Al, I don't like it.

I really don't like people that drink out of those. I think I'm picturing the wrong thing. It's like, it looks like a cone. It's like a teapot with a cone on it. There's something very sort of celebratory about it. Well, it is the continental version of the Yard of Ale, is it not? Yes, yes. It's drinking as an exhibition rather than as a tremendous comfort and support,

which is how I used it. If anyone knows what those things are called... They will. They will. I'll read this. Yeah, they'll have probably emptied a few this morning whilst listening to the show. You've had some Viva off to sunny Spain moments in their life. Oh, in Union Jack shorts. They've definitely had some fried bread.

He rattled his maracas close to me. No time I was trembling at the knee. I think it's one of the lyrics of Viva España. I think you'll find it's one of the chapters of my autobiography. Oh, well, and one of the best, might I say. Can we discuss... Page one of the Manuel.

Oh. There he goes. Oh. Can we discuss... I would say, Al, I don't want to ruffle any feathers this week, by mentioning the killer cockerel, who's been reeking...

I read about this guy. Read about him. He's been reeking... He's a public menace, Al. And he's called... You are. Derek Jr. Derek Jr. Yeah. I don't know. Derek Junior. Derek Junior. Yeah.

I don't know if Derek Senior's still around. You'd think he'd have had a word, wouldn't you? With his headstrong son. Yes. He chases the owner. The owner is called Rebecca. Rebecca with a K. Yeah.

And he chases her child, the children, around. I mean, there's footage of it, and it does look like it's out to... Well, she says, I think he'd gouge my eyes out if he could. That's what Rebecca said. No evidence of that at all, I have to say. No. Rebecca, I think, has seen too many productions of King Lear. No.

If I had to guess. any productions of King Lear. No. If I had to guess. But it's a wild and crazy and dangerous cockerel. He's a devil. Killer Cockerel, of course, is Alan's cage-fighting name. I don't know if you knew that.

But to be driven out of your home by a bird. Very much so. We've all been there, lads. Well, yeah, exactly. You all were. And they're moody. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Because, I should just say, Lynn Haig from Shaw near Oldham, we have a local mobile Elvis-themed chip shop named Cod in a Trap. Oh, a trap oh nice okay well that's good i yeah my i remember my dad had two cockerels once and there's no point in our small garden having two cockerels so he decided that one of them had to go and he couldn't decide which one so he put them in the cucumber frame put the lid down and let them fight to the death.

After about an hour, we went back. That's a nice story. Yeah, I'm finished. It's a happy ending. It's a very My Dad story, I must say. We went back to the cucumber frame and they were covered in mud and blood, but both alive. And he said a rare case of sentimentality from my dad

that they'd fought so well they both deserved to live and so they did he let them both go there you go natural history natural history smethic style well there's a sort of

so there is a reign of terror I'm not sure I watched the clip with the right what with it with it with the chasing the child it's fast derrick jr derrick jr can move it i tell you she seems to think rebecca that he's showing off in front of his show because he's tired no oh yes he's showing off in front of brenda the hen who's his girlfriend. Showing off because he's tired? No. Oh, yes. He's showing off in front of Brenda the hen, who's his girlfriend. But they've got ten, have they? Twenty hens they've got.

So the whole idea, isn't it, that they're not monogamous cockerels, that they work the team, as it were. They've got ten. She said something interesting, Rebecca. She said the group tend to all follow him round, but they're frightened of him. Madonna's dancers.

Yeah, he's like a gang leader, isn't he? Yes, I think he rules with fear. And it seems... I like that about him. Yeah, what I don't like is he's heavy on the comb and light on the wattle. Judging on the picture of him, his head was a bit unbalanced in that respect. But, you know, it didn't stop him being ferocious.

She has six cockerels, 20 hens, 10 ducks, some goats and a dog, Rebecca. It's a sort of Mia Farrow type set-up. Just cram them all in and get as many as you can. And there's always going to be, if you have a menagerie, there's always going to be one bad apple.

Oh, thanks a lot. That's just how I find out. The guard, she did say, he's a very, they've got a Pomeranian and she said, Derek Jr., apologies, does fulfil the role of a guard dog. She said, we've got a Pomeranian, but unfortunately our dog's pathetic. I mean, I think that's a disgusting way to talk about a dog. I know that, if the dog's heard that.

that's a disgusting way to talk about. I know that. If the dogs heard that. I remember there was a bloke in the paper. He had a crocodile and a tarantula. And they took the crocodile. Was his name Dundee? He lived in a council flat. And they took the crocodile away from him.

And he said, I love that crocodile more than anything. I was just thinking if the tarantula had heard that so awful I to be the sort of fall back from the crocodile people need to be more sensitive what they say around animals that's my that's my motto yeah especially stuff like giddy up. You've got to pick your moment. Anyway, I think

possibly Sarah Champion is up next but I usually no, is it not the end of the show? We've got some more. Okay.

No. She distinctly I was distinctly told there were two more links to go. Last time it was a senior moment this time it was

a producer error. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And we were discussing the aggressive cockerel, weren't we? I don't know if you've seen the clip where it's chasing around the ten-year-old. I think I was meant to

see more jeopardy in it than I actually saw, because my main takeaway from it was how much land these people have like it was location location without many animals yes but they definitely need unless they got a rolling backdrop machine on the farm and a treadmill the large combed um cockerel reminded me of when i drive home i pass i go i drive through camden town in north london which is something of a punk enclave yeah but not like punks they're punks they've sort of become commercialized punks so they hold little signs that say photo opportunity media friendly punks but they look like proper scary

punks with enormous mohawk hair but you can have your photo took with them if you're a tourist which seems a bit I suppose they have a very expensive gel habit they used to do it with soap, of course.

Soap and water, yeah. And sugar water as well. There was a celebrity punk called Matt Belgrano. Okay. He sang with that track. Very good. But it's like, I'll tell you what it's like, it's like the sort of Buffalo Bill's Wild West show

of youth subcultures that you can go and have a photo talk. They should do the whole thing, Cam, to make it a theme. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Suedehead Parade. And here they come. Choose your subculture. Yeah, exactly. And then there's a big parade every weekend and people go to see them.

I'd go up and say, have you got any emo? Yeah. Have you got any boot boys? No, we've got teddies in this week, though. Oh, yeah, the teddy boys. Would you go mods? Al, you'd go mods. I think Al would pick the mods.

Well, we had a debate, remember? We were talking about mods and rockers a couple of weeks ago and a mod texted in the show and said we never done it, it was the rockers that did it all. Light review. And I watched a documentary this week about mods and rockers

and he was wrong, according to the documentary. By the way Bobby C has tweeted us to inform us that the wine receptacle we spoke of is called a poron.

A poron? I would not have got that. Actually, Al, you said again, I think your Spanish, I have my Spanish is very poor. Could you say it? Your accent was better. Poron. A poron, okay. He said it like Eva Poron. poron a poron okay he said it like eva there's a competition here when they throw it called eva poron in which you heave a poron goodness

i once met a man who did a um unsavory thing which happily no longer happens i believe a dwarf throwing competitionrowing competition. He was an unsavoury man. And he showed me a... He was defending it to me, and I was saying, it just sounds humiliating and horrible. He said, no, no, no, it's a good laugh. And he showed me a letter from Margaret Thatcher.

He'd written to Margaret Thatcher saying they were trying to close him down from performing this terrible, grotesque pantomime in shows in their towns. And Margaret Thatcher had written back to him that she always likes to support small businesses. Oh, God. Weirdest episode. Anyway, happily, they are, I think, forever gone.

Frank, before we go, Jeff Goral, we've made a sauce, it's brown, what shall we call it? How about brown sauce? Good stuff. Excellent work, what a lovely way to end. Thank you for listening to us this morning. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. we'll be back again this time next week now get out