The Frank Skinner Show - Haunted Plunger

Episode Date: March 30, 2024

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week we've been nominated for an ARIA award and Frank has been to visit Carlisle Cathedral. The team also discuss the Orkney Easter egg over-order, body lotion and Lord Bertie Topham.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now listen, I'm with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli, but we're not live today. So don't text us. There's nothing sinister about it. We're just not available. We haven't been stopped from being live. It's not a gagging thing. We just

can't do it this week. Sorry, we'll be back live soon. You can follow us on X and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email via frankatabsoluteradio.co.uk Good morning, my friends. Morgan.uk Good morning, my friends. Morgan. Morning.

Before we go anywhere... Already? Yeah, I just want to say to everybody who listens and has listened to this show for a long time that I've read some things this week which have made me proud, emotional, and I love you guys. And that's why I would never leave. They had to shove me out.

I love you guys. No, that's fair enough, isn't it? I was going to say I'm over it, but that would have been a lie. Anyway, great news to start. We've been nominated for the ARIA, the big Academy Award thing in radio, as Best Comedy. Yes. Wow.

Yes, and as with all great comedy, timing is everything. It is, it is. It is a fabulous example of Chloe Maidley showing James Haskell what he's missing. I've got my cleavage out. I actually hate it when those papers say things like blah, blah. What, show them what they're missing? We've talked about this before,

so show the boyfriend what he's missing. I don't know, when I've been dumped previously by ladies. Yeah. I don't, like, I've split with Kath a few times, my life partner.

We've had breaks. Wow. And what I miss is things like little way her mouth twitches before she speaks or her winter coat hanging near the front door.

Not all those sexy outfit things. Horrible. Anyway, that's great though. I'm still excited we've got nominated. Also, I don't like to show them what they're missing. I like to, you know, I basically don't exist anymore. Yeah. You know? I've got about seven

shows left. No, I'm talking about... Oh, you've gone back to... Oh, sorry. Sorry. I noticed, by the way, the show opens with that Frank Skinner, Frank Skinner. Yeah. I'll be keeping an eye

on the skip outside when I leave. I'd quite like to use it to keep that. More like this, a big vinyl. I think a ringtone. What do you want?

Are we allowed to keep... Can we keep... This is something we could always discuss afterwards. Yes, that's true. It should be a ringtone for everyone you know. So that when you ring them... Yeah, that's true. He doesn't want to do that forever.

Imagine five years' time on his doorbell. Frank Skinner. Absolutely. No, it doesn't. Does it say it on it? Does it? Okay. I'm also keeping, I'm hoping I can keep

my email thing. But I thought slightly modified to Frank Nott on the radio. Look, enough now. We can't go on about this all morning. I'm really, I am properly, as ever, it's great to get a nomination for anything.

I'm thrilled. So I'm, yes, I'm pleased about that. Unfortunately, of course, for every light there is always dark. What's that? This week of all weeks, they're talking about putting up the state pension to 68 now before you get it. So close. So close. They're keeping that carrot in front of you.

Yeah, I'm seeing me now in like in about three months time you know those guys when you see old black and white movies about the depression

me on the street buddy can you spare me a dime yeah you can have those fingerless gloves and a top hat where the top of the

top hat's open like a tin can yes like some cartoon oh yeah hobo mate that's where I'm gonna become some bitter old bloke who wanders about in ranks what would what would be in your bindle that's extraordinary

a kindle a kid kindle in my bindle i know i know. Oh, dearest. Dearest? Dearest. I'm keeping that. I love dearest. I've written it down, dearest. Yeah. I don't know what it means yet, but, you know, I'll come up with something.

Yeah, so it's been in the news. I was trending at one point. You were trending. Trending. No offense, something I never thought I'd see. Yeah. And I think my favourite moment of the entire week was the photograph I saw in the Daily Star.

They had quite a lovely thing about you. I think we need to put a cliffhanger on this because don't think for a second that the hard iron regime of the producer has been relaxed as we hit the home straight. No, no. So we've still got, you know, obligations. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, I mentioned earlier, before that musical break, my favourite moment of the entire week was a photograph I saw some coverage in the Daily Star, my paper of choice. Oh, wow. And they did a sort of quite serious article about the show coming to an end.

They did a serious article? They did. For the star, I felt it was quite serious. Okay. And then the photo they chose to accompany it was taken from our Instagram feed and it was a photograph of you me and Pierre standing by the Absolute Radio sign. What they hadn't noticed was that you

in the picture had a giant green Grinch hand that you had around our shoulders. A stick green glove. Yeah, I think when we put it on not many people noticed the Grinch hand. Perhaps they think I've got a Grinch hand. People are so sensitive now about, you know, disability,

and quite rightly, can I say, but they might have thought I had, like, a green, rancid, withered hand. Or they'd thought, well, I did see Frank's Grinch hand, but I wouldn't have wanted to mention it. Yeah, exactly. I'd be wary of mentioning someone's Grinch hand, but I wouldn't have wanted to mention it. Yeah, exactly. I'd be wary of mentioning someone's Grinch hand, generally. I also enjoyed quite serious editorials and broadshoots referring to Beer Killed My Pig and Sit Down With Sin.

They didn't mention those things. They did. Oh, I didn't see any of those. That's ridiculous. Is it surreal that something that you heard a bloke shout at an Albion game is now immortalised in print? Yes, it is. And reapplied to my life.

I don't know if it's going to fit in the one when that bloke missed the sitter and that bloke next to me shouted, he'd have been no good on the five-inch mortars. I don't think... I think... Yeah, I think... Wow. A heck of a lead producer since the 40s. I was going to say.

But what I liked is when I was quoted in the paper, this is like... Take this, for example. Guess what? Yeah, we didn't, so... We're not just going now. I'm not going to say, boy, that's the end.

We've got erm, erm, but erm, that's it. And I thought, anyone reading this is thinking, fair enough, second hymn, isn't it? Hey? I think, hey? It's a mottering, hesitant mess. Who wants to listen to that? It's not exactly a Gettysburg moment.

I thought, what are they getting this from? A policeman's notebook in a local courtroom. It's like a court transcript. Wow. Why didn't they take out the ums and the ums? I have no idea, but they do make me sound like... Throw a man a bone. Yeah, like a loser.

But I tell you what as well, when the news broke, I was... Where were we, Pia? Carlisle. It was JFK. Where were, where were we, Pierre? Carlisle. It was JFK. Where were we? I think we were in Carlisle. Yes.

Me and Pierre's on tour at the moment. And so I woke up in Carlisle and the news broke. And I looked at my phone at about 11.30, something like that. I had two texts, and one of them was from my partner. So somebody, Kat said, I bet you've had loads of texts. I said, well, there's you and one other. So when I said the loneliest man in the world, I wasn't joking. I bet you guys were inundated, weren't you?

Well, to be fair, you're not on social media. I'm just dated. Stop it now. Stop it, Frank. Yes. In fairness, if you were on social media, you'd have seen the deluge. I love a deluge, generally. I read about the Catalonia. In Catalonia, they had a massive drought recently. And so the Catholic Church took a model of the Virgin Mary

and carried it around the streets whilst praying for rain. And they only just managed to complete the procession because of the heavy rain that suddenly appeared. Yeah, so, you know, good news. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was in Carlisle with Pierre and we went to Carlisle Cathedral, which is fantastic. We were pretty surprised. It's one of the...

Oh, really? Is it a good one? As I wrote in the visitor's book, best misery cords I've ever seen. Do you know what a misery cord is? I don't. You know, sometimes on trains and things you get those seats that aren't proper seats

but you can just about get your bottom on and stand up and it just gives you a sort of standing seat. Yes, the parrot perches. Yeah, well, they have those, choirs have those. So some of the people are sort of nearly standing up, but just like a sort of half bottom on the thing. And these ones were very ornate. They had dragons and things like that. That's brilliant. I took some photos.

I might put one up. They had my favourite, in inverted commas, mythological character, the mermaid. Yes. Oh, do you love a mermaid? I still think one day. That you'll bump into one? No, I think there's going to be, I'm going to get an alert on my phone

and they'll say mermaid found off the coast of the Faroe Islands or something like that. I would say. BBC News alert noise and then. Yeah, I would say. I know it's unlikely, but I would say of all the mythologicals, ghosts, Bigfoot, who else is there?

Dracula. Oh, not Dracula, because he's a fictional. But ones that people believe. Look, I draw the line of vampires. Don't be silly. We've got to have standards here. You just reminded me of, you know, Family Fortunes? You're familiar with that show.

When Bob Monkhurst did it, way back when, they had a woman... You know, two people go up to the counter and you have to answer fast like that. And the question was, name someone whose existence has never been proved but who people still believe in. And this guy went

Hitler and Bob Monk said I'm pretty sure his existence has been proved and then the old woman, you still you don't have to bang it after someone's already banged it, but she banged it and said driving licence

I love her and she was answering the what would you find in your handbag question from the previous round and noticed that a new question had begun. Oh my word. But I think of all the

unproven mythical probably don't exist. Like Loch Ness. Yeah, whatever. Loch Ness Monster. Abominable? Do you like Abominable? I think, again, I think the most likely, in my opinion.

Okay. I mean, what about that for a... We could do that. We can't do a texting today. Don't text because we're not live. But we could do a Twitter thing. What do you think is the most likely unproven thing that might exist?

I don't know quite how to put it. It's an anagram of a very good tweet. It's all gone a bit umber. It's gone back to my umber. When you get them. People must think, is this a might-ly character they're implying? Frank, can I ask, why do you think

it's a bit cruel to call it abominable? It's a bit rude. They could have just said frightening. It's a bit leading the witness. Absolutely awful. I mean, it's just quite extreme language, I think. To make that his title.

Unless they all have one. That's true. Dubious ghosts. I suppose he is abominable compared to your average snowman that some kids would just make out of snow. Yeah, I think it's probably good to distinguish him from that. But the mermaids, there are all, I suppose you'd call them a school of mermaids as they're half fish. There's a whole school of mermaids

that used to apparently tempt sailors onto the rocks. You never see old mermaids, though, do you? No, well, funnily enough, I went to an exhibition by, I think he was a Norwegian painter, and there was some quite, yeah, not just old mermaids, but mermaids who looked like they'd slit your throat type mermaids. Stocky. I like a menopausal mermaid.

Yeah, stocky. Sort of slightly let themselves go mermaids. Which you don't often see in art. But these ones were, yeah. Fish is very lean. Yeah, exactly. These get the, what's he called, a zempic. Yeah, throw some zempik at like ground bait.

I have an etiquette question to ask you. You were talking about... You know, my dad always pronounced etiquette, antiquity. Oh, I prefer that yeah and instead of Somerset Maugham you know Somerset Maugham

the writer he always called him Somerset Maffam oh I like that yeah but he wasn't kidding around like people deliberately he was

he wouldn't hear it wasn't an intentional spoonerism he it's not actually a spoonerism oh it's not a spoonerism is it I do apologise

I just mentioned it do you want to explain what a spoonerism is a spooner. Oh, it's not a spoonerism, is it? I do apologise. I just mentioned it. Frank, do you want to explain what a spoonerism is? A spoonerism would be... I'm trying to think of a clean one. Like, if you said it's... If it was, like, filthy weather and you said it was wilthy feather. Or Reverend Spooner said to one of his students,

you have hissed all of my mystery lectures and tasted a whole worm. Yeah, that's very good. That sounds like him. Yeah. Yes, you were talking about Carlisle Cathedral. Some of that hot content coming on our Instagram soon, I can imagine.

I'll tell you, it's a great Instagram. The hottest misery of cards on social media. It's a great... I had an etiquette question for you, which is, you know the pews? I think you do. There are those cushions. Aren't they that stock-up family in all the 28?

That's what I was going to say. Always holding their noses. Yeah, they think they are. Yeah, OK. You know those red cushions they have? You know the cushions they have hanging on the hooks? Yes. Well, they're not actually cushions. You know those red cushions they have? You know the cushions they have hanging on the hooks? Yes. Well, they're not actually cushions.

I know. So is it bad etiquette to use them? Because I get sore if I'm in that, and I find pews quite hard. Is it bad etiquette to use them as cushions? Yes. OK, OK. They're for kneeling. OK, fine.

Can you bring a cushion then? I filmed a thing in my parish church. I filmed it. I think it was like Christmas night. I suddenly appeared on the telly and gave a reading from St. Matthew or something like that. I know. And I took my publicist, Lucy, who's Jewish, and I said, hold it, where's the cushions?

And she said, we wouldn't sit on a hard wooden plank at the at the uh yeah at the um synagogue synagogue yeah thanks yeah so um i didn't know that but we do it's all part of the suffering. And? Don't want to miss that opportunity for a bit of suffering. It's like an efficiency thing, like suffer while you sit. Yeah, exactly. You're wasting valuable time. Some people do their pelvic floor. Some people just sit and suffer. It's the suffering version of earn money while you sleep.

Yeah, it is, yeah. Ask me how. Ask me how. Ask me how, yeah. Local housewife finds way to suffer 24 hours a day from home. Wow, brilliant. Well, I think it's better if you do it in church. Yes. There is some going into the office involved.

Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Oh, yeah. I wanted to ask your advice, Em. Oh, lovely. Auntie Em. Because I was in a hotel this week and I realised I'd forgot my moisturiser. Now if I don't moisturise

I can hardly, I'm like the man in the iron mask. Has it become a daily practice for you? Only if I wash. Oh. So I hadn't got any and I could already feel that. You know what Tin Man is like at the beginning of When He Can't Move? Yes, I do, because as you may recall, someone once said I looked like him. A man when I was on holiday said, you know who you really remind me of? Tin Man?

The Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz. It was the worst thing anyone's ever said to me. Were you wearing a sort of metallic face paint? Apparently I look like him. Anyway, back to Frank Skinner. It's a good lookalike. Back to Frank Skinner in the studio. So there was body lotion in the thing.

So I thought, it's for the first time I thought, can you put body lotion on your face? And I imagine bad things might happen. Yeah, because it's for your body yeah but my isn't my face my body well you've got to call them sort of soap philosophers hotline i told you about the time i put hand lotion on and then i couldn't get out of the bathroom so i could get a grip on the door handle so i had to just towel it all off no but yeah this is quite serious can i ask you a question did you put that body lotion on your face?

Yes. Oh, my God. What kind of body lotion was it? It wasn't hotel provided, was it? It was totally. Oh, my God, it gets worse. And also, there's a new move now. Even in nice...

We've stayed in some nice hotels. Yeah. It used to be, if you stayed in a not very nice hotel, you got the plungers instead of actual soap. Do you know what I mean? Or little bottles. You used to get the plunger. The sort of dispenser.

Yeah, but, yeah, the dispenser that, what I hate about it is often you have to raise the plunger in order to then press it. Yes. And it's a faff. And when you raise it up, you hear a terrible wheezing of this thing that doesn't want to be used that often. Why have you awoken me?

Leave me in peace. Press it to head. Let me sleep. Yeah, it's like the voice of the ring. The haunted plunger. Not on your face. But those things, they're like hand sanitiser. Suddenly it's shampoo and conditioner.

You're pressing those things. Back to the matter. Did you put the body lotion on your face? Can't you tell? I've got to be honest. You do look a little bit redder. Yeah. Well, I'm embarrassed. I'm walking around.

When I walked into Absolute today, I saw people thinking, well, I don't want to share a towel with him, the bad luck guy. I need to know whether I've done myself damage. It's reversible, I think. Did you... The thing about body lotion, Frank...

I think we need to come to this, because I don't know the difference between, you know, to me... Between body and face. To me, it's just... Well, I say one could argue the face is a part of the body. Speak for yourself. But lotion, you know what I mean, it covers a multitude. It contains multitudes. Anyway, we'll find more lotion news after this.

Then I'm going to play Billy Lotion. Oh, dear. No. This is dear. No. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. We're not live, so don't text us.

Don't text us. We're not live. We don't want you to waste your money follow us on X and Instagram at Frank on the radio email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk I just went to the toilet just for standing

I love that story just for standing up toilet and I went up to the next floor where I usually go and that toilet says Toilet. Just for standing. I love that story. Just for standing up toilet. And I went up to the next floor where I usually go and that toilet says, this toilet is not available. To Frank Skinner. Yeah, to you. And then I went up to the next one

and that was also not available. So I had to go, what's happening? Well, we should say that we're we're moving buildings aren't we so i think it must be to do with that we're moving from oh we're moving from the floor top floor moving down and it's all emptying i think it must be something to do with that when i came in for this record i saw two or three guys struggling a piano down a flight of stairs wow well they were in both? Well, this is the thing. I felt it couldn't have been more cinematic for me

if I'd seen two men carrying a big pane of glass across a street before a car chase went through. Was one of them twiddling his tyre going, hmm, hmm? Exactly. No, you knucklehead. Yeah, lots of that sort of thing going on. Yeah.

But just because traditionally when you move buildings the toilets don't stop working today i remember when the golden eagle did its last gig as a pub in birmingham used to have a rock a lot of rock on and literally people i mean they tore the bar down and took pieces of the they stripped the place totally for souvenirs they did that at the BBC TV centre didn't they? I think possibly the last or the penultimate record at the

BBC studios I think it was at Have I Got News For You or something and people someone took a towel machine, you know those metal towel machines like on the wall of the toilet? Yeah. Oh.

I suppose it's a souvenir. Yeah. If you went to someone's house, how unsettled would you be if their downstairs loo had a metal towel dispenser like in an airport toilet? I'd be all right with that. Yeah, I'd have questions. Yeah, I try not to go in other people's toilets.

I'll tell you what I'm not all right with, Frank. What aren't you all right with, Emily? You slathering body lotion. Yes. But what's the difference between... Let me tell you. Without getting chemical. Okay.

All right. Yeah. Try that with the chemical, brothers. Okay. I'll tell you what the difference is. The skin on your face, Frank, particularly you have very good skin may i say it's much thinner and more delicate it's much more precious yes body lotion it won't

have gone through such a rigorous testing process okay so you don't know what you're ending up with on that face of yours yes okay fragrances all sorts going on please never ever do that again okay but as i i just feel that my face will start to chip away crack and fall off if i don't put some sort of moisture it's better to do nothing than put that rough stuff on. Oh. Okay. What about olive oil? That's what I said to my boyfriend back in the old days. No, I did see a woman once, you know this, on a beach, putting crisp and dry on herself. Well, I did that.

I had a mate. Oh, you did? I did. I had a mate who was, he was half Italian, so he's very olive skinned. And he said to me, the best way to get a tan is olive oil. To grease yourself. Olive oil.

So I lay on the beach, I mean, for about six or seven hours. And I thought, this is burning. I obviously haven't got enough olive oil. And that night I was in, I think it was Kingston General Hospital. What? And the guy said, you're basically like someone who's come in and been in a house fire. He said, some of the burns on here are unbelievable. What have you been doing?

I told him and he just couldn't believe my stupidity. Did he say, why did you roll in rock salt and thyme as well? Was the lemon juice really necessary? Who would have thought? You do something sensible like put crisp and dryme as well. Was the lemon juice really necessary? Who would have thought? You do something sensible, like put crisp and dry on your body. You try to literally cook yourself like a chicken. Well, it was olive oil.

It wasn't crisp and dry. Oh, that's fine then. Crisp and dry is the body lotion, whereas olive oil is the fat. I think anything you would baste a chicken in, avoid. Yeah. So would you put body lotion on a chicken? I was in uh i was in

quite a bad way i was in the they just you know were giving me painkillers and he said you need to have cold baths just fill the water he said that's the only way you'll be able to soothe him yeah and then i won't go into that in my ankle swole up and all that sort of stuff ankles yeah i couldn't get my... I remember I did a gig and I had driven there and I had to take my shoes and socks off. You know, the sink had got beer in it with ice. I had to put my feet in there.

You were still doing gigs as a crispy burnt man. Because the show must... Usually the show must go on so yes I was Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We were discussing Alfred

Lord Tennyson last week. We should say Alfred Lord Tennyson was a Victorian poet a poet laureate in fact but that's he didn't call himself Lord Tennyson or Lord Alfred Tennyson was a Victorian poet a poet laureate in fact but that's, he didn't call himself Lord Tennyson or Lord Alfred Tennyson, he called him Alfred he called himself

Alfred Lord Tennyson always which I always imagined him saying as Alfred Lord Tennyson yeah if someone said are you Alfred Tennyson, Alfred Lord Tennyson. Yeah. Or... Yeah, if someone said, are you Alfred Tennyson? Alfred Lord Tennyson.

Got it? What if there were just too many Alfreds around? That's me, Alfred. Lord Tennyson. Yeah. Oh, God, sorry. Well, who's your favourite Alfred? The Great, of course.

Oh, I like the Batman butler. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That is a good one. What's his name? Pennyworth, I like the Batman butler. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That is a good one. What's his name? Pennyworth. I like E. Newman. The mad cover star.

Yes. Read mad a lot when I was a child. So we were pondering the mystery of Alfred Lord Tennyson and why he insisted on that sort of nomenclature. Yeah, the sort of syntax of his name. I'll tell you because he was a bit boastful. Well, we have an answer. We have an answer from David in Preston

who is clearly our sort of de Bret's correspondent. He wasn't the one who wrote about Lord Alfred Tennyson last time, was he? This is a different person. I'm unsure. But David clarifies sorry for the terrible pedantry please try to never ever apologize for that on this show no this is a palace of pedantry

he definitely didn't say peasantry sorry for the terrible pedantry please try to stay awake. Alright. It's Alfred, Lord Tennyson because he is a baron but cannot be called Lord First Name Tennyson, e.g. Lord Alfred Tennyson. That is a privilege reserved for the younger sons of Dukes and Marquesses. Of course.

Such as Lord Alfred Douglas, Lord Colin Campbell, or in fiction, Lord Sebastian. It's alright for Lord Alfred Douglas who brought down that lovely man Oscar Wilde. That's right. He can use it. Oh, Boese. Yeah.

Yeah. That's right. So he adds, this was important in Victorian times. This subtle distinction is rarely observed in the present day. Thank you, David. David Impreston, you say with some regret. Yeah.

Yeah, but I like, because David Impreston includes the word impress in a way. Yes. And he's impressive. I like stuff like that. I know now. I know the answer. And David impressed on us the importance of different title variations and things. But, yeah, so he was a baron, that's why.

Okay. Who knew? Who knew he was a baron, that's why. OK. Who knew? Who knew he was a baron? Frank, I would like to share something else with you, which is from Andy in Haywards Heath, who's one of our regulars. Hmm. Dear Frank and team, I've just been reminded of Emily's feelings

on people wearing lanyards or laminates in public to show off. Oh, OK. Do you remember? I have touched on this previously. Yeah, I'm not sure I know exactly. So what I mean is when someone's wandering through with a sort of slight air of authority or superiority, so when they're going to press a manger on their lunch break and they've still got their lanyard on, their work lanyard,

I just think you sort of want me, I'm a busy, important office worker. Put it in your bag. I just don't like lanyards in public, OK? OK, I feel I might have broken this. Why? Well, I got a Judas Priest VIP laminate this week. Stop showing off. I wouldn't say I was quick to take it off.

Yeah. Did you go to Pret with it on, though? No. Okay. I'm only going to say I didn't go to Pret. Fair enough. So Andy continues, I've just stopped to let a Porsche park up at my local supermarket

and I noticed the driver is an airline pilot. How do I know this? He is still wearing the shirt with his epaulets. Oh, OK. Sit down, mate. We've seen you. Yeah. I don't know what you can do about that because we were at Motorway Services the other day

and there was a guy in, like the the mother of all wars type that desert oh desert storm desert storm type outfit you know sort of light colored army turbo camo but maybe it's hard to get and i'd be self-conscious if i had that on in a thing i think people might ask me for help if anything went wrong if you're driving between military bases is one thing, but if you're just doing the weekly big shop with your pilot's epaulets on. I know, but pilots... If I saw someone wandering around with a pilot's uniform, I'd be straight over.

You know they're my weakness, Frank. Yeah, well, I... I can't help it, it's the authority. I never drive around between bases. Oh. That's my thing. LAUGHTER Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh. That's my thing.

Alex Ware has got in touch with us. Yes. In WWE wrestling, when wrestlers get sacked, the press release says, we wish them luck with their future endeavours. So, good luck with your future endeavours. Thank you very much. Since when do wrestlers get sacked? How does that work? You have to do something quite bad. Since when do they have future endeavours. So, good luck with your future endeavours. Thank you very much. Since when do wrestlers get sacked? You have to do something quite bad.

Since when do they have future endeavours? Yeah, well, I always say... Since when do they issue press releases? The one phrase I'm avoiding is other projects, which, as I've said, always means a thousand-piece jigsaw, in my experience. We wish The Undertaker the best of luck in his future endeavours. Presumably at a funeral home.

Is The Undertaker still a wrestler? Still going. Who was the other one? Owen R. Shyster? I don't know. Was he a wrestler? Yeah, he was the accountant. When I watched wrestling, they didn't look like that.

They looked like the men you saw fighting on pub car parks on a Friday night with big beer bellies and balding. Yeah, it was a real proper rough house. I used to go to wrestling and it was a... I must have told you about Lord Bertie Topham. No. It was guaranteed to get any crowd absolutely screaming with rage. And the crowds were mad.

I saw a wrestler roll to the side of the ring. An old woman, must have been, well, younger than me, but old. Then I thought, just jumped up and put a cigarette out on his back. I mean, it was very, very evil.

Yeah, but I couldn't find an ashtray, to be fair. I'm sorry. Who's this person who enraged the crowd? Lord Bertie Topham. Not Bertie Lord Topham. No. No, he was a baron. Yeah, he wasn't a baron.

Did Bertie Topham have... Was he branded? Did he have a top hat or a character? Yes, you had to have your thing. There were some people who were just scary blokes. I've seen women wrestling as well. There was Black Widow who wore a black leotard with like a gold, lovely gold spiderweb on it.

And she would come on, the crowd would boo. And she would give them an obscene gesture which began at canvas level and rose, rose high above her head. The most elaborate use of the V sign I have ever seen in my life. And she always did that. But Lord Bertie Topham's angle, and this is how he got the crown. Bear in mind, you know, we're in Smeddick. Yeah.

To swimming bats, where they had wrestling on. He would come out and he'd have his valet carrying his bottle on a tray. Lord Bertie had a monocle. A monocle? He had a cloak and a top hat. Right. And he would come into the ring and go,

Oh, my God, I think I can smell working class people. The audience went absolutely insane. That's it. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We were discussing Lord Bertie Topham. You've got into some deep Googling.

Yeah, of course, Pierre's looked him up. I thought, God, if he's not on the internet, Pierre will be another one of Frank's lying again. For some listeners, Frank is obsessed with the idea that I believe him to be a liar. He's in the back of the car sometimes, and I'll say to Omar, oh, yeah, I used to like this television programme,

Laramie, I can hear... ..PSing if it existed or I'm just riffing. We go through this every week. Frank will mention something obscure, like some weird Birmingham wrestler, and then you hear the click, click, click, click. And then Frank says, do you not believe me? No, that's where we are.

I think if I would rather live in a world where you are filled with these terrible suspicions, but in exchange for those terrible suspicions, I get to see a picture of Lord Bertie Topham. Because he looks incredible. I like how we've got a bit the notebook romantic comedy. I would rather live in a world. Yeah.

If that's the deal. I've never Googled. I'm happy that he is on there. What does it say? Does it say anything notable about him? It does, yes. Wrestling Codology told fans, quote, he's a real live millionaire. Wow, fair enough.

Yeah, and Lurd Bertie Topham, as you say, was accompanied with a top hat Kane, Monocle Cloak. Of course he did. Walk unhurriedly to the ring, accompanied by his faithful valet, Ponsonby. Well, Valet. Ponsonby. I mean, he's gone so group one,

hasn't he? On the posh front. So you say valet, do you rather than valet? I only know valet is the way to say it because of Jeeves and Worcester. So is that the posh way? So I'm saying it the... Well, no, because valet parking is an Americanism. I see.

So valet is fine over there. They don't know. But valet parking sounds terrible. Well, that's why. Valet for butler, valet for the Americans. It's an odd. So we've gone valet, but we get our meat as a fillet, not as a fillet. But in America, fillet-o-fish.

Yeah. So hang on, what's the dog called, Ponsonby? The valet is Ponsonby. Oh, the valet. And he's carrying a silver tray, decanter and wine glass, his lordship's refreshments between rounds. Yeah, but what used to happen... Stake and kidney pie. All of this, no explanation as to what he's doing there.

But one, Lord Bertie... Well, everyone had a second. Yeah. So Lord Bertie would take someone in a headlock... Doesn't sound very posh. And then he would march them over to the ropes so their head was sticking out and then the valet would hit them with the tri.

I didn't see that episode of Jeeves and Worcester. And it was a real loud, you know, and often it would buckle on their heads. Did the valet then say, decidedly so, sir? But I'll tell you what though, he kept up the, if that wasn't his accent, he kept it up very well, because some of them would lapse. For example, they once introduced Miss Cleopatra all the way from Egypt.

And she was there saying, you know, no one can beat me and all this. And then later on he told her off this thing and she said, I never touched her. I don't know what you're on about. I went nowhere near her.

And you thought, oh, what part of Egypt is this? The southwest of Egypt, maybe. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So we're discussing Lord Bertie Topham, the posh wrestler.

This is supposed to be a throwaway reference. Of course, you've gone deep. It's great. And he has a butler called Ponsonby who beats people with a silver tray. Is he a butler or is he a valet? A valet, he is a valet, yes. A butler is an household. I know, they were on the road, these ones.

Yeah, yeah. What about wrestling? He told fans, I love that he was a real live millionaire. A real live millionaire. Remember then, that was still quite a rare thing. They're all over the place now. Well, so there's a literary, we can meld the worlds of wrestling and literature,

which is a rare thing. Well, I don there's a literary... We can meld the worlds of wrestling and literature, which is a rare thing. Well, I don't think it is. I suggest you read Roland Barthes' essay on wrestling in which he describes it as a modern morality play. Posting that later on Instagram. And argues it very well. Well, although Ponsonby was usually the servant accompanying Lord Bertie, there were exceptions.

Willoughby, Mahoney and Fothergill were occasional names used. And following the November 1960 prosecution of Penguin Books for the publication of Lady Chatterley's Lover, Topham introduced a new assistant, a masked Gamekeeper Mellors. Oh, wow. I love that. Imagine. Literary wrestling figure. Yeah.

Topical stuff as well. Topical literary. I would have gone to see the ancient mariner. They should have got him in parts in the book. Oh, man. Clubbing people with the bird around his neck. Yeah. That Mellus.

Gamekeeper Mellus, the masked Gamekeeper Mellors. It's amazing. Did they have a Lady Chatterley? Wow. They should have. The Cleopatra doubled up. Yeah. Now, she was a bit lighter than Topham.

One of them says, describes the experience of being Ponsonby as sort of annoying the spectators by sneering at the opponent's boots and things. Yeah. Quote, by now the ringside was going hysterical with anger and at that point,

Lord Bertie emerged. I enjoyed the idea of being Ponsonby until the reality of being attacked and abused by punters hit home. Yeah, that was one thing. That was one thing. One thing Lord Bertie didn't mention in the interviews. Yeah, because people will put their cigarettes out on you.

Do you know what I do like about Ponsonby? Can I say I also saw a hat pin attack by an old lady. Do you remember the hat pin? Stop boasting. A hat pin? Yeah. She actually took a hat pin out and stuck it in this guy's leg. It was a wrestler.

What, was she a member of the audience? Yes. Why didn't someone stop her? She had a hat pin. One thing that Ponsonby would do, and this is classic Ponsonby, Ponsonby, what about when he'd make it his business to check the cleanliness of the referee?

Oh, yeah, that rings a bell. And he'd often demand he washed his hands in the water that Ponsonby would provide. He'd bring a water bowl. Yes, I remember that, particularly the fingernails, if I remember rightly, used to be studded. Yes. He was an absolute stickler for cleanliness.

He was, sort of, Howard Hughes for your Topham. No, no, that was Ponsonby. Oh, Ponsonby. Yeah, but he's following all this. Well, exactly. He's just doing what Topham wants. I don't want you to see Ponsonby as some sort of free agent. Absolutely not the case.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli we're not live so don't text us there's nothing ominous about that we're allowed to be live we just can't

you can follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk so I went to see Judas Priest in Birmingham on the radio, email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. So I went to see Judas Priest in Birmingham, picked my son up from school, packed lunch in the car ready for him. I like that you gave them a pass,

even though they're called Judas. Well, it's interesting that, because everyone says they got it from Judas Priest and Frankie Lee, the Bob Dylan song, which is actually on, there's a Bob Dylan album. I'll just mention this. It's an interesting point. There's a Bob, I think, there's a Bob Dylan album called John Wesley Harding about a sort of a Wild West. Well, he was a killer, but obviously also a hero

because it was the Wild West. And his name was actually John Wesley Hardin. But Bob Dylan got it wrong and nobody did anything about it. If he had PA with him... Were they too frightened to do that? He knows he'd have PA. It would have been all been... Yeah, but then Bob would have said,

get him out of here. Bob Dylan, no, you don't believe me. I think I'm lying. Checking up on me all the time. Asking me to drop the G. You'd assume that was a drug, wouldn't you? I'm going to drop the G tonight. Bob's been dropping his G's again.

What's going on? Frank, so hang on. Did Bob Dylan make a mistake and they were too frightened to tell him? Is that what you're saying? One forgets that, you know, pre... Google. Google and all that. People just made mistakes and they just went.

Yeah. Okay. Just saying. Go on, back to Judas Priest. So I first saw Judas Priest back in, I think, 76 at Birmingham Town Hall. Did you go to the Hockey? No. And, you know, so I met them recently, as you know, but now we went to see them in the gig.

I'm not kidding you. It's one of my best gigs. I mean, I don't know how many gigs I've seen, but hundreds and hundreds. I was watching gigs when I was 15, you know. It's honestly one of the best ones ever. If you get a chance to see Priest on tour, go. They are really fantastic. I loved it. And we met them in the dressing room.

And I'm saying that because I've met them a couple of times. And Glenn Tipton was there. He doesn't always do the gigs, but he was there. He's like a lead guitarist. And Boz was talking about a kid at school who'd been getting on his nerves and stuff like that. And Glenn Tipton, who's from West Bromwich, said, why don't you just punch him in the face?

And the lead singer, Rob, said, oh, don't say that to him. And there was no element of joke about it that's what I like I have a remedy for this problem it's really funny to imagine saying that to the head teacher if you get in trouble as a kid well Judas Priest said

Glenn Tipton of Judas Priest Judas Priest told me to do it and if Judas Priest told you to jump off a cliff would you? yes well what happened is that I have bad dad guilt in that I take earplugs when we go to heavy metal gigs, but I don't really enforce earplugs. And I said to him, I said,

really, I'm starting to feel bad about this because everyone you meet says you've got to do it. So I said, I need you to wear the earplugs. And he said, OK, I'll do it. So it's just those things you get, like, in hotels. I don't have any of those fancy noise reduction, blah, blah. But we were driving back. I said, well done.

Well done for wearing the earplugs he said yeah I took them out for the songs I really liked so that was like virtually every song so that was pointless but I am doing bad dad

someone will text in not today because there's no text today, but at some point and say, you're doing some real damage. You make me feel awful. That's all I'm saying. I'm thinking when little Brooklyn Beckham was a baby and they used to take him to football matches with those enormous ear protectors.

Maybe by the time they text in, you know. Yeah, I'll be long gone. they text in you know yeah it'll be i'll be long gone i um i knew a bloke whose wife wore industrial ear protectors at mealtimes because she couldn't stand the sound he made when he was eating well i wear them every night that sounds good to me yeah yeah i've never been without my earplugs i've got state of the art i've got about seven pairs. But it's not like big, those industrial ones. They're not industrial, but they're pretty extraordinary looking. What, you wear them around the house? Yeah.

Oh. I don't want raised hip tapping. That'll set my teeth on edge. No. Not gone lie, no? No, well, I'm getting... I don't know if you can hear it on air, but there's a lot of hammering going on today.

They're actually building our gallows in Golden Square. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, as you may... Well, as you guys know, but as the listeners may know, I grew up mostly on the Isle of Man. But it's not the only island heritage in my family, Frank. My gran was from the Orkney Islands. Okay.

I've never been. I'd like to go there. It's nice, the Orkney Islands. Windy. Shall we go? Yes. Hi. The last show.

Broadcast from Stornoway. No, maybe not do it from up there, but you know. From Stronsie. Might have an issue with the mics. Maybe. Bit windy up those parts, isn't it? No trees. There's walls, though.

No trees, though. Too windy for trees. Well, when Samuel Johnson, the 18th century writer, went to Scotland, the thing he writes about most is the lack of trees Is that right? He goes on and on about it He says something like the highest tree I saw in Scotland

wouldn't make the legs of a small table or something like that But yeah, but there is a reason for it's some terrible economic thing. Sort of deforestation But he goes on and on about it. Deforestation. Didn't he play Dr. McCoy in Star Trek?

Oh, my God. Well, as a result of my link with the Orkneys, I keep abreast of all the comings and goings, all the news. You do get Ork alerts. Frank gets those, all the news. You do get all alerts. Frank gets those, but they're sci-fi related. Yeah. I get who news.

Oh, God. There's a shop in Orkney that has accidentally ordered more Easter eggs than the entire population of the island. How many people live there then? To be fair, when I did see this i initially thought but that must be thousands and then i remembered we are talking about one of the many wakini islands so it's not that much i think it said 500 and he'd ordered 720 that's it yeah can i um ask a question about this and i aim this i think mainly at Emily, but that might be anything of me.

What about that much discussed inalienable right to return goods? You know, Kath, my partner, I would say rather than buy clothes online, she just gives them a bit of a day out. They come to our house, they get tried on, they must think, oh, I needed to stretch those folds out. And then they go back in the bag and then they go away again. When I've worked on fashion

magazines in the past, that was fairly common practice, calling designer clothes sometimes from websites. Key is leave the tag in. No, but Keith, Kath, not Keith, he never did it. That's my brother. Kath is hoping to keep them.

Yes. But I would say she keeps 10% of the clothes she gets online. The rest go back. So it's a very harsh auditioning person. Oh, God, it's terrible. It's like the crown. Yeah, but you can't get the egg. So are you suggesting you could buy an egg?

Somebody told me that the person who, when they auditioned, apparently, for Harold Wilson's In The Crown, that the producer asked them to write an essay each to say why they wanted to be Harold, why they should play Harold Wilson. Yeah, somebody told me. Didn't we know who had a little audition?

For Harold Wilson. What, for Harold Wilson? How good's your Wilson? Yeah, well, as I think I said at the Brighton conference, I probably knew. Maybe I could have done it. Pretty good. Why haven't you been in The Crown?

Good luck with your future endeavors. Because I won't write the essay. All right? What about Pierre when Frank had to audition? When was it you had to audition, Frank, for an American? Oh, God. It was a thing. I don't know if it happened.

It was something like L.A. Law, but it wasn't that. It was illegal. It was a legal thing. And I had to learn the thing, and it said an American accent. It's a legal thing. And I had to learn the thing, and it said an American accent. But my only American accent that I've got is Wild West old-timer. So I was saying,

anyone fancy a cappuccino? Because I really would like to discuss that Finkelstein case. And I didn't get it. I didn't get the part. You shocked me. They needed a sheriff's office as well as the ordinary offices that they could go and I'd be the helpful old-timer. But it was, the woman really looked at me like, just get out. What you were doing, Frank,

you were doing a bit of a Ponsonby, weren't you? Well, I've heard some names. It's a disaster. We were talking about the Easter Egg Man on the Orkneys. Orcadian egg scandal. Is it okay for me to say Orkneys? Is it over-familiarising myself? Do I have a right?

Do I dare? I think it's okay. Okay, I just want to check so i don't know why he didn't um returning thanks and why didn't he return them because it's food stuff yeah what are you meant to do take a bite out of it so he didn't like it well it would all be sealed up they look like they're on pallets i think the island of sand day which is where this is happening is remote enough that there's probably a considerable expense in sending something back. Here's the other thing.

And faff. But the guy delivered it, presumably. He must have seen it and thought, oh, no. But he'll have to pay to send it back, maybe. Yeah, but he said when the lorry turned up, filled to the brim with Easter eggs, I quote Dan Daffod, I believe he's called, he said he felt great shame and embarrassment.

Imagine being us. Yeah, well, what he actually said, which was interesting, he said he felt surprise, shock and shame. And I thought he started, honestly, with surprise, and then he got into the alliteration and got a bit carried away. Shock and shame. I can't imagine falling to my knees going, Oh, the shame of it.

So many eggs. I think he just liked saying shock and shame. Maybe he should have gone on to say that he might have been shafted by the shipliers. That's what Sean Connery would have said. He's probably been up there. Is he the last person that sat in that chair? Who talks like this?

Yeah, I don't know if anyone else talks like this. I would say, controversially, voice of controversy here, I'm nominating myself, 720 eggs he ordered. Population of 500. Yeah. Is it that many? One and a half each. If they clubbed together, they could.

Yeah, but it's not that many. I would have thought, I would generally, certainly as a child, eat more than one egg. If I got less than three, there were problems. Yeah. Yeah, so... I always dreamt as a child of a fully solid Easter egg. Imagine it.

All the way through, like a boulder. Did your parents knock at the door and pretend to be the Easter bunny? No. Oh. The first... The first egg... I love where that went. First egg my son got,

because Kath is very... Kath didn't like him having sugar and all that, you know, and it doesn't let him have a brain liquor. No. Toxic waste. She might not love those sweets. Anyway...

It's almost like she cares about him. I know. Meaningxic waste. She mightn't allow those sweets. Anyway. It's almost like she cares about him. I know. Meaning. Yeah. Yeah, never mind the earplugs. I've already nominated you best brother. Have another prime. Come on.

But she finally gave in when he was about two to get him an Easter egg. She agreed with that just once a year. And when he bit into it, it was that egg of which you dreamt. It was absolutely solid through. She couldn't take it away from him. So we had like 10 years of Easter egg in one go.

Oh my God. Craig, you introduced me though to a special kind of egg, a special kind of chocolate, which I'd never experienced. Blonde. Blondie. Yes.

I think you'll find it's called. Yeah, blonde is the best of the chocolates. I saw a blonde egg the other day. Did you? And? Noted. That's what I'm saying. I like to wait until two days after

when they're half price, even though it's exactly the same chocolate they're in within date, but they're just the context. How much we pay for their context? We're still in the old knees, are we not? Yes, they've decided very kindly to raffle the Easter eggs,

but I think you're right. That's a strange choice, isn't it? Why? It's good to raise money for charity. I know, it's good. And I'm all for the RNLI, obviously, but the winner gets 100 Easter eggs. 100 eggs.

It's appealing to greed. I don't think that's right. What would you do with 100 Easter eggs? One each. What he should do with a hundred Easter eggs? One each What he should do is distribute them In Orkney I'd build a windbreak Drystone walling with Easter eggs I think I'd get naked

and use them as an erotic ball pit that I dived into I'd get all the paper off them so they're just chocolate and I'd just roll them back in the chocolate. On your own? Oh, yeah. Like Scrooge McDuck sort of swimming in them.

Sorry, Pierre, he's completely on his own in this egg pit. Oh, yeah, I'm not going in. That sounded like a sporting metaphor. He's completely alone in the egg pit. We all are, of course. The truth is we are all completely alone. We're all alone in the egg pit. We are all of us alone in our own egg pit.

But some of us are looking at the stars. Yeah. Or, well, you're looking at the star. You were talking about it earlier. The Daily Star. You could do that. You know when Elvis sent the boys into town,

the Memphis Mafia, to buy every light bulb they could find in Memphis. Brought them back then tipped them all into his swimming pool and he sat with an air rifle for like a day and a half

until he'd shot every bulb out of the thing. Do you know what, Frank? What? And then he had to pay something like, and this is the 70s, he had to pay like $20,000 to get the port clean because it was full of broken glass. It was full of glass.

Yeah. You could do that with the eggs. That's true. If I returned to university, I would, if I decided to do a PhD, it would be in that very subject, the complicated internal group dynamic and dysfunction in Elvis' Memphis gang. The Memphis Mafia. I'm fascinated by it.

Elvisian Dynamics. Yeah, the Elvisian Dynamics. That would be a good PhD title. Yeah? I've got a PhD in Elvisian Dynamics. What does that do? Shooting light bulbs, fast food, constipation. Imagine I went on a mastermind and answered that.

Elvisian dynamics. But bear in mind Elvis, he was the first real major one. He had nothing to learn from. The Beatles always say the fact that Elvis had happened first really helped them because they'd seen what was going to be. But he was really... That's how we know. That's how we knew not

to shoot all those light bulbs. I've seen that documentary. Haven't you got a mother or a father? Keep it light, thanks. Sorry, I wasn't talking to you. I was quoting I mean, for God's sake. Well, I haven't got a mother or

a father. All right. Is it too late for me to get my job back by playing the orphan card? Let's play the Annie card, Frank. Yeah. Oh, God. No, I think there's an age limit on using the word orphan. We're beyond the orphan. We could write to Barnardo's.

Frank! It's gone, it's gone. I've missed my window, my orphan window. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. When you, we're sharp, honest,

when you buy a chocolate egg. Yes. Like, I noticed he'd ordered some Smarty eggs, for example. This is Orkney's, man. Yeah. Van Daffod. I am not keen on the fact the Smarties are put in, I don't know if they still do this,

but the tradition was to put the Smarties in a plastic bag and then inside the egg. Oh, I hate that. Yes. And it always reminds me of, you know, when you buy like a turkey and you get like the thorax or something inside in a bag. Yes, the giblets. Yeah.

It reminds me of that. And I'm on... We gutted this egg in the wild and of course it's... That's why the kinders, I don't believe you can get them in the US anymore. Kinder eggs are illegal in the US. Yes, they're illegal now. Yeah, that's because they're a choking hazard.

But there are other issues as well, I believe. Are there? Mm. OK, I think one of the main problems was that you can't sell anything in which a non-edible item is hidden within an edible item. Now you tell me. In case you take a Kinder Egg and swallow it like a lozenge

and then find there's a small thing that will build into a bicycle inside a plastic yolk. Okay. And find there's a small thing that will build into a bicycle inside it, inside a plastic yoke. Okay, what about those tequila lollipops then? That's a different world. I've got some Takis, a Takis lollipop that you dip into Takis powder and lick. And I love Takis, but that is disgusting. That's too much. I'm on I'm on

Saturday Kitchen this morning and how can that be you ask well let's not go into it but there was a thing on that where I had to pick whether I got food heaven or food hell and I held up two chocolates

and I had to hit them I think with a hammer one of them with a hammer and it was full of like coloured Smarties but it was just there was no bag, it was like a piñata and that was very satisfying to break the egg and then cascade in

Smarties, that's what they should do. Yeah as opposed to like you say a giblet bag as if you were going to boil down the Smarties. That's what they should do. Yeah, as opposed to like you say, a giblet bag as if you were going to boil down the Smarties for stock. Yeah. Can I say one more quote from Daffod, the shopkeeper on

Sundays. Quote? Okay. He said... Alexander Pope? He said, he was just riffing about where he lives and how he chose the charity, and he said, we are a small island surrounded by sea. I thought, that's unusual, Frank Highland. I hadn't imagined you were living on a traffic island

with a population of 500. It could have been surrounded by fresh water. It was a big lake. I hadn't thought of that. You never think of the big lake, Frank. No, you're right. I always miss the big lake, the big picture. There we go, brains in the numbskulls.

That's what he would have been, Pierre, brains in the numbskulls. Oh, we had, man, we had, what are they called? Cupcake, Percy Pig cupcakes we had on tour. Yeah. Did you? You just have... You take them like shots. You just take the...

I get a bit jealous. Can I be really honest? I get a bit jealous of some of your fun times on tour. Can I come along? Yeah, you can come along. It'd be a bit tragic, wouldn't it? How are you with long car journeys? Love it.

I might even drive. Yeah. Okay. I don't think Omar would like that. Oh, why? Well, you know, he's a tour manager. He's got the badge and everything. Thank you so much for listening to us.

And if the good Lord spares us and the Greeks don't, right. I'm still going to keep saying it. Orcs. We'll be back again. We will be back again next week. Are we live next week? We are. We'll be live as well. So it'll be great to. We will be back again next week. Are we live next week? We are. We'll be live as well,

so it'll be great to hear from you guys. Again, can I express my gratitude, but more than anything, my love for all the lovely stuff that's been said this week. And I've got time to just tell one very, very quick thing. A woman stopped, I was walking past a cafe

and there's a woman that sits outside who occasionally we speak and she stopped me and she said, come in, I've got something for you in my bag. And she got a tiny plastic container with about six Doctor Who cards and she said, I saw that on the market and I thought you needed cheering up. Isn't that lovely? And they are very good, Sylvester McCoy. That's all I'm saying.