The Frank Skinner Show - High Fashion Tunic

Episode Date: May 23, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. As the UK is still in lock down the team bring you another show working from home - direct from the linen basket! This week Frank wore an unusual outfit and has bought some memorabilia in an auction. The team also discuss the fry-up stealing rookie policeman, the left banana and there’s an update to Frank’s ruined surprise story.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Now, do not text us today because we're not live, but you can follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram or you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning, everyone. Morning. Is that what, was that what the Superbra advert used to say?

Hello, boys. Hello, boys. The Wonderbra. I like Superbra, though. Or was it Super, maybe Superbra was some sort of. That's what Superman wears to keep his pecs. What, Supergirl? Yeah. Yes, Ava Herzog over, Frank. Or was it super, maybe super bra was some sort of... That's what Superman wears to keep his pecs. What, super girl?

Yeah. Yes, Ava Herzigova, Frank. You met once, didn't you? I didn't meet her. I got close enough to be overawed. Okay. But, yeah, whatever happened to her? What do you think she's doing now,

at this precise moment, Saturday morning, Ava Herzigova? I don't imagine she's an early riser, do you? or does a personal trainer blast in their horn outside the beach house at 6am Oh she'll be juicing she'll be juicing

with an oligahawk I think she's frying five eggs in lard No That's Heva I think she's frying five eggs in lard. No. That's Heva Herzigova. H-E-A-V-E-R. The well-known hangover sufferer.

Oh, sorry, I got the wrong... Yeah, my mistake. What did you go for? Heva. She... Yeah, well, if anyone listening has got a better idea of what Ava Herzigova is doing at 8am on a Saturday morning, you can't text us direct. But I'd love, we can read it out next week at the same time. I would have thought her Saturday mornings were relatively uniform. She's got the cold ice maiden look of someone who's super efficient,

wouldn't you say? My last sighting of her was as a diamond ambassador. Ah, diamond ambassador. I mean, it comes to us all in later life, that role. I have to say the term ambassador is during my lifetime as dwindled shrunk and been trodden into the dirt

I remember Jerry Halliwell God bless him was an ambassador and stuff like that there's ambassadors of all sorts of strange things anyway good old Ava take care of yourself

I've actually I've got a sheet of paper here for careers to replace the live comedy income that I used to have and I'm just going to cross Diamond Ambassador off it now It's a tricky one

I would like to think that she had to carry a small black velvet string tie bag. I think that's all she had to do. Yeah. That was her dinner in there. No, I think she keeps her dinner in an incense burner. And she just inhales root vegetable dust. Yeah.

I don't know, she might be a big'un nowadays. Could be. I doubt it. So we were talking, I thought of you this week, Emily Dean, when you were talking about how you felt that you're very, I must say very very high standards in dress had somewhat relaxed during lockdown

you remember lockdown and I noticed this week that I had not just a shirt I had a suit I had a I was wearing at one point a John Bishop's Week of Hell suit. John Bishop's Week of Hell was a thing that happened on Sport Relief. And I was not directly involved.

Yeah. And I was not directly involved, but they asked me if I'd run with John Bishop as part of it. And I ran, I think, seven miles with him. To be honest, they'd beaten the enthusiasm out of him with rowing and all sorts of things. So he was leading a fairly sluggish pace, which I found easy to keep up with. But what the nice thing was, they gave me loads of really quite nice sportswear, track suits and stuff. But all of it, sadly, was emblazoned with

John Bishop's Week of Hell. And so I don't, I'll hell and so I don't I'll be honest I don't really wear it that much but since I've been in a lot I was actually wearing both trousers and sports trousers and the top with John Bishop's week of hell

on and I thought no I mean you know God bless he's a lovely man and that but I'm sure he doesn't want to wear stuff with my name on. And I just thought, no, it's this far and no further, was what I thought. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, I was talking about John Bishop's Week of Hell,

which was a thing that happened, I think, on Sport Relief maybe five years ago. And I've got so much, so much merch from me. Some of it just says Bishop's Week of Hell. And I try to sell it off as a religious thing. Was that Thomas R? Sort of a dark night of the soul. I got this when I took part in St John of the Cross's sport relief thing. Well, I tell you, Frank murder in the cathedral, that was a bad week.

Yeah. Wasn't it? But it made me think about, I don't even wear, I don't wear anything that's got me on. Over the years, I've been sent T-shirts with me on. Yeah, very feet on the ground. I can't walk around with... I mean, there was one tour, every tour I did,

I would have a conversation with my management where they'd say, are we going to do merchandise? And I always said, look, the people who like me are not very merchandising people. And one year... Why do you say that, Frank? Because I just said that they could be bothered when they could be spending that on drink.

Know your crowd. Yeah, they've come to see me. They've paid for a ticket. I don't expect them to get, you know, a bottle opener with me on. Anyway, one year we were offered such a good deal by this merchandise company that I agreed to it. And I still have a large box of that merchandise, including a sort of a slightly space age,

high fashion tunic with my name on. When you say high fashion, when you say high fashion, Frank. When I say high fashion, it's the sort of thing that if you had a sci-fi, if you're watching a sci-fi show, the main people wouldn't wear it. When they spoke to members of the crew, they'd be having it. It's had that sort of black nylon-y zippy type feel to it you've got Frank Skinner

merch at home we had to do something with it at the end of the tour the man the man who actually owned the merchandise company I bombed into in the street and he said you know I've got like 500 of

those mogs that we had made with one of your disgusting jokes on it. That's what I said. I said to everyone, micro don't buy merchandise. But anyway, I've got it but I can't wear it. I wear John Bishop's

merchandise at the push but I can't wear my own. If anyone owns any Frank Skinner merchandise, please let us know, by the way. I'd love to know if there's any still out there. Official, please. Official, yeah. And when you wear John Bishop running kit, do you have to move diagonally? Very fine. Thank you. Very fine. diagonally or very fine thank you very fine i remember because you came over a bit funny frank when you saw john bishop in a towel do you remember in the hotel room well i remember you

saying he was like a norse god he was yeah no no it wasn't it wasn't so much. It was much more physical. Just primal lust. Yeah, he did. He looked very chiseled all over the place. Yeah, I think he works out. Yeah, no, he did. And he was in the middle of a week of hell, so he looked pretty good.

Anyway, you know, I love a bit of free merch, especially if it's coming from a major charity. That makes it a bit sweeter to the wearing. Let's put it that way. Gives it a little frisson of naughtiness. Fringeskinner on Absolute Radio. So I got a text message from the popular broadcaster Jonathan Ross this week. Oh, did you?

Tipping me off that there was an auction of George Formby memorabilia. Did you say the L in memorabilia? I'm never sure. How do you say L? Mem memorabilia. Do you say the L in memorabilia? I'm never sure. How do you say L? Memorabilia. Memorabilia. Yeah, I think you say the L. Okay.

And so I investigated, and there was the usual couple of very nice ukuleles of the banjolele variety for sale and some other stuff. And anyway, I decided that I, you know, I haven't shopped much just lately, as you can imagine, certainly not in shops. And I thought, I'm going to go, I'm going in. I'm going in on the George Formby. You saw something?

Oh, yeah. There was something which I thought brought together two of my passions. And I thought, well, this is a double whammy. I can't resist this. So anyway, to cut a long story short, which is something I don't often do on this show, let's face it. Something I've never done my whole life. often do on this show let's face it something i've never done my whole life um i um i ended up buying um the book of common prayer um which was owned by george formby and signed in the back yours in faith george formby oh really you bought it? You bought it, Frank? I bought it. It's mine.

Oh, well, this is... I was very excited. This calls for a jingle or a celebration of some sort. Oh, Suzanne, beware of the devil. Go and spoil your heart. Sorry, that's the only jingle we have at the moment, guys, is a live jingle

of Dandy Livingstone's Suzanne, Beware of the Devil. I've found that it's a jack of all trades and a master of none, but it's stood us in good stead. So, yeah, I was very excited about it. It's accompanied by a programme to a 1913 event, which was attended by, amongst other luminaries, Princess Victoria. Wow.

And it included George Formby's dad was on the bill, which that was on there as well. Big star. Did he do a bit of a Robbie Williams, George Formby's dad? Robbie Williams' dad? No, no, he was first. He was a massive star, George Formby's dad. Oh, was he? Okay.

Also, was Robbie's to be fair? He was a singer, wasn't he? No, but I'm on about like like, he was big time, George Formby. They call him George Formby Senior now, which that must be infuriating if he has an afterlife awareness of any kind. Yeah, they're awful. Look, one thing I'd like to ask you guys

is where are we now in lockdown? Because I keep hearing from people who are saying, yeah, we're going to go up to Yorkshire for the half term. Oh, dear. Can we do that? Is that acceptable i start to feel like a bad dad because i'm still sort of observing lockdown i'm just gonna check my contract and see if i'm meant to ask answer questions like this on the radio i'm not yeah i'm not sure it's my role okay we're not we don't have our lecterns and our our sort of little uh ticker tape

look my main alert my main problem is i'm getting locked down withdrawal i miss lockdown a proper lockdown i don't like to see my i don't it's like when people cut cocaine with self-raising flour yeah if you're going to do lockdown, let's do it. Pure. Pure, absolutely pure. I want the full hit of lockdown. I want knockdown lockdown. That's what I want. And this lockdown light is not for Frank.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I think we've reached that time in the show where I ask if we've heard from the outside world Yeah, I'd like to share something with you, Frank We've had something in from someone who describes himself as a long-time reader, first-time contributor I'd like to share it with you boys It's with reference to a story you told last week about a surprise. It says, Dear Dr. Who, Dr. Miyagi and Dr. Versace,

I am Frank's brother-in-law. And last week, he complained bitterly about, I don't like bitterly, about the surprise of his birthday greeting being ruined by the fact that we were waiting on the doorstep. Do you want to quickly recap, Frank, for readers who might not have heard? I had the idea, my idea, to go...

It was Kat's sister's birthday and obviously we haven't really seen them in the flesh because of the current situation. And I said, let's drive up there. She only lives like five miles away, less maybe. And I said, we'll have a handwritten sign. One of us will hold happy the one birthday. And my child can hold Auntie Rachel.

We'll stand outside the window, get their attention. It'll be a lovely surprise. So as we set off my partner said well i've i've found her and and told her we're on the way and i was slightly outraged anyway i'll continue jack continues i should say this is my brother-in-law jack yeah i'm also a sometime script writer i mean he's playing it down rather than... He is a bit, but still. And I just wanted to posit as an idea the idea that the surprise

was lost, but in its place came suspense. And suspense can be just as valuable. To do so, I have to quote Hitchcock at length. Apologies in advance, but I think it's a really good quote. Hold on, let me give you a lead into this, right?

OK. There is a distinct difference. I can't do a Hitchcock voice, but anyway. It's OK. There is a distinct difference, Hitchcock says, between suspense and surprise, and yet many pictures continually confuse the two. I'll explain what I mean. We are now having a very innocent little chat. Let's suppose that there is a bomb underneath

the table between us. Nothing happens and then all of a sudden boom there's an explosion. The public is surprised but prior to this surprise it has seen an absolutely ordinary scene of no special consequence. Now let us take a suspense situation. The bomb is underneath the table and the public knows it, probably because they've seen the anarchist place it there. The public is aware the bomb is going to explode at one o'clock and there's a clock in the decor. The public can see that it is a quarter to one. In these conditions the same innocuous conversation becomes fascinating because the public is participating in the scene. The audience is

longing to warn the characters on the screen, you shouldn't be talking about such trivial matters, there's a bomb beneath you about to explode. In the first case, we've given the public 15 seconds of surprise at the moment of the explosion. the second we provided them with 15 minutes of suspense the conclusion is that wherever possible the public must be informed except when the surprise is a twist that is when the unexpected ending is in itself the highlight of the story

Jack ends, obviously Hitchcock is responsible for the greatest surprise in movie history with the psycho twist but I would argue this is really sound stuff and I would argue that knowing Frank, Kath and Buzz were about to turn up on our doorstep with happy birthday signs actually held us in suspense all day. And the reason why we were waiting on the doorstep

was because we were excited to see them, and it proved the highlight of Rachel's day. And the cake you refused was later eaten. End of message. Wow. Well, I have much to say on this. The first thing is, if he thinks that's the biggest film twist of all time,

he never saw The Crying Gay. I'd like to return, if I may, to my brother-in-law's explanation of why the birthday surprise shouldn't have been a surprise. If you missed the last link, I'll try and fill you in on the way. My brother-in-law, I should say, is quite a major writer of films and telly and plays, so I obviously have to bow somewhat to his um to his opinion on this but as you know i don't really bow very much to the opinion of anyone on anything

i think i think we all gleaned that from the turn on somewhat didn't we yes you see this idea of i i take the whole point of suspense i think think what I was thinking of, but by surprising Rachel with the birthday thing, was I suppose I was thinking about my theatrical legacy. Peter Houston off. Because I think it's after the surprise that the real joy of it comes because you look back then and think oh god remember that time we were just sitting around and then we heard that tap at the window and it's it's it's the gift that keeps on giving whereas the the suspense ramp i think at the time is great but i don't know if you really... Do we go back to Psycho

and remember those lead-up passages? We remember the moments, I think. I think Hitchcock himself said, if you can come up with five good moments, you've got a movie. Anyway, what else? Oh, you could just say, great email, Jack. It is a great email.

Thank you. I'm not arguing with that. I feel like you and Jack could have had this spat on WhatsApp probably. We could have done it on a phone. By the way, Jack has a Netflix series at the moment called The Eddie, which is a sort of a gritty, moving, musical Paris jazz club feel. Check it out. So, my son, he's homeschooling,

and he has to start the day with a Zoom meeting, form meeting. And on a Friday, they do jokes. Oh, God. And obviously, it's week five now. He breaks up today. But there was... So he's running out. He's used a lot of his best material.

You know what it's like, Al, week five. Oh, do I ever. Yeah, and... I think I'm about eight years into being on this show. Anyone who's ever listened to the last episode of any Radio 4 comedy show will know that material doesn't stretch forever. Anyway, today...

Did you get involved in that, Frank, ever, with the jokes? Well, I did today, because he could not think of a joke at all. And I said, look, here's one. And I wrote one. I sat and I wrote one over breakfast. Oh, I, here's one. And I wrote one. I sat and I wrote one over breakfast. Oh, I want to hear it. In between Joe Wicks and my Allbrand.

And I said, here's the joke. Why did the chicken cross the road? I said, and he said, why is it? And I said, well, everyone will guess to get to the other side. And when you say no, it'll really confuse them. And then I think the punchline should be, it was social distancing. Lovely. I thought a bit of topical.

There's not enough topical in the kids' jokes. That's true. Anyway, so he went on and there was a few jokes banging around and then it came to Boz's moment and he said, why did the chicken cross the road? And I realised it's not as well-known a joke amongst seven-year-olds. So it got quite a laugh to get to the other side. And by then, mine felt like a terrible after the Lord Mayor show.

So never work with children and animals, I think they say. And it's sound, sound words. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Please don't text the show today because we're not live, but you can contact us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram, or you can email us through the Absolute Radio website.

I just did that whole bit without reading it from anywhere. It's the first time I've done that in 11 years. Well done you. And I'm amazed that it's stuck. only say every week three times it's amazing what does no people are getting better at things during lockdown and that's that's your triumph well i of course because i'm doing home schooling i've had a complete um revision um course on all sorts of things oh yeah things that stock

photosynthesis and chlorophyll that came up and I thought I'll leave this to me if you need any help with this I remember this I remember it absolutely distinctly trapezium vertices and Absolutely distinctly. Really? Trapezium. Ah, trapezium.

Vertices. I don't know what they're called. Oh, vertices. We're going to do some Carroll diagrams today. Well, sorry. It's Buzz doing a degree. I thought it was... He's doing a degree in applied mathematics.

Didn't I tell you that? Actually, Carroll diagrams. It's high level at the posh schools, isn't it? I'm going to have to make this slightly literary obviously to try and rescue myself because maths is so out of my reach Carol diagrams are a sort of Venn diagram thing

in the same school in the same Venn diagram I suppose as the Venn diagram and they were invented by Lewis Carroll is that right? Yeah. Big man. It would also, I think, be a great name for a burlesque dancer.

But also, Frank, I would say... Carroll Diagrams. Oh, I see. I thought you meant Lewis Carroll. I was thinking, why? No, no, that wouldn't work. It wasn't that good a name for Lewis Carroll. I prefer Charles Dodgson.

You probably called it Our Carroll Diagram, didn't you? Exactly. From your Charles Dodgson. You probably called it our Carroll diagram, didn't you? Your neck of the woods. Yes. So, yeah, it's interesting what you remember from school and what you don't. Like osmosis has stopped with me, but many, many things have gone.

It was the phrase, semi-permeable membrane, that I love so much that did feel like a line of poetry I watched, did you watch the I don't know what you'd call it replacement sounds harsh

but I want to use that word the replacement for the Eurovision song contest no I didn't did you see that Al? I think I know the answer already I didn't know that it had been replaced what happened? Yeah well of course it can't happen because it's you know it is a big

live thing and people would get stuff but they they had it on anyway and it was I know these are difficult times but if I see anybody else on telly in their own home,

I think I might just go out of my house and keep walking. Are you fed up of seeing millionaires from their kitchen islands singing? Yes, Skype picture standard, sound standard people sitting in their own homes with no make-up on. I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. I can't take it. I'd rather tell he was rested completely. Just put the test card on.

Oh, I love that test card, Al. Yeah, I miss the test card. Anyway, what they did, they had a lot of very moving messages from people who would have been in this year's competition, which left me, I have to say, completely unmoved. And then they had a series of people recreating great moments from Eurovision. So like, you know, two big men with beards being Lulu and stuff like that.

And that actually made me really emotional and quite teary. I think because that is what Eurovision is about. And I thought it's just a shame that that is not happening and that all the parties aren't happening. Because I find generally people who are into Eurovision are generally people I like. And it's interesting that that was what moved me. But people saying, you know,

the world is a tough place at the moment. I thought, oh, I've heard that now, shut up. Well, I do recommend checking out the Icelandic entry. It's an absolute banger. Oh, I love the Icelandic and the Russian entry. Well, of course you like the Russian entry. The Russian entry. If only I had the Russian national anthem I, of course you like the Russian entry. The Russian entry. If only I had the Russian national anthem I'd played at this moment.

But needs must. Oh, Suzanne, beware of the devil. Don't let him spoil your heart. I bet Putin would be in tears if he heard that. Oh, yeah, he'd be moved. He won't be moved. That's his whole thing. Frank Skinner on absolute radio i should say that uh during our um mid-link conversation uh just going back to my brother-in-law's

point about suspense versus surprise earlier in the show that emily pointed out very sagely as ever that um i was completely surprised by um my brother-in-law jack writing in a long detailed um email and um it went really really you know i really enjoyed it and it was great and i'll always remember that email coming in so another vote for surprise over suspense there. Thank you, Emily. And what else? The outside world. I'm sure we've only scratched the surface.

Do you know, that's very odd. As you were saying that, you can't see this, but my dog started scratching the table leg. So you're in sympathy. We've had so many reader contributions and we do love hearing them i've had i'd like to share with you laura long on twitter frank just wanted you to know i saw an elderly gent in tesco wearing a brown leather face mask this week and it reminded me of your lovely Christmas hat, Frank.

There's a lot in that, isn't there? Because, first of all, I realised that the only hat I look good in is those crowns that you get in Christmas crackers. And I talked about this on the show, and someone made me a leather one. I said I was going to get a leather one, and someone made it. And I still wear it every Christmas. But a brown leather face mask

this is someone who I might know personally. This bloke. I mean I think we are as it becomes apparent that we are going to have to wear masks for a while yet. I think there is going to have to wear masks for a while yet, I think there is going to be more individuality and more idiosyncratic masking.

And brown leather is a great place to start. It's unlikely to get more idiosyncratic than that meme that went around of the Spanish guy with a shoe tied to his face quite early on in the lockdown. It's very handy, though, if you're going to make some sort of Middle Eastern protest. Remember the man hitting the fallen Saddam Hussein statue with a flip-flop? Yes.

One of the great moments in modern history, I thought. Indeed. I'm thinking I might take the back off a or take the bottom off a tortoise carapace oh yeah and wear that that i'm sure that'll look attractive yeah i think so sorry carry on would you use the legs oh no i'd just use i'd hollow it out first oh good for you i think you'd blow. You'd blow it like an ostrich egg. We've also had an email regarding plastic surgery. I think you mooted that Vladimir Putin had perhaps not had the best plastic surgery

known to the Western world. And we've had an email, maybe Russia is a bit behind the West, and when they wheeled Putin into the theatre, they held up some shapes and said, and what are you wanting? We have a nice octagonal. And he obviously preferred the circle.

He says, please don't give out many of my details for obvious reasons. Yes. Well, we're all walking on thin ice here. I think my point was that his face, the point Bob's making it, his face became much, much round. He's one of the few people

who did go for the circular face. I think he was working towards the sort of smiley face from way back that ravers used to wear. But he wears it with a scowl. It's a bit different. Yeah, I hadn't thought... I mean, I don't know.

I never think of Russia... I thought Russia's caught up now. They don't queue for parsnips and stuff anymore. I imagine that plastic surgery was up there with it. But I could be wrong. He doesn't look bad. He just looks like a different bloke. Well rescued.

Mm. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have a news story that I'd like to bring to your attention. There's a, as the newspapers have it, a rookie policeman. Yeah, you heard. What? Is there any other profession that you get, rookie? Oh, that, in normal circumstances,

that would be a fun texting, wouldn't it? Yeah. We'll just do it sort of on a slow version, you know, like those slow cooking people. We'll do slow textings. Just email it. Are there any other? Is this, I'm getting rookie reporter. any other? Is this, is this,

I'm getting rookie reporter. I was just going to say, Frank, that feels quite Citizen Kane, doesn't it? But yeah, I think it might be a bit more like Jimmy Olsen than a real, what you get in a newspaper report. Yes. But Jimmy Olsen,

I don't feel as had his full share of the limelight in the superhero renaissance that has come in recent years Jimmy Olsen he was a cub reporter that worked at the Daily Planet, big friends with Clark Kent and Lois Lane

but brave in his own right of course you'd think he would have at least a Sky 1 series but no of course foolish of me you'd think he would have at least a Sky One series but no, nothing often you can't second guess the powers that be in what they commission and what they don't

can you? it does make you wonder if the anti-ginger thing is still there, though it's not spoken of it might be the anti-reporter thing anyway this rookie policeman has been banned from the job for life after stealing seven fry-ups from the canteen in his first week.

Oh, yes. Most British story ever. He's got everything, hasn't he? Fry-ups and a rookie copper. There's a lot in there. For a start, it means that in his first week, he did seven consecutive days or he stole two fry ups on two days oh yeah that he wouldn't have stole two fry ups well i don't know

what he would and wouldn't do this chap because do cafes still have that you live in the north i do al the cafe still have that thing of breakfast that are so big that if you can eat them, they're free. It used to be a thing that you used to get. They used to have a He-Man breakfast in a cafe near where I lived in the West Midlands. The belly buster and stuff like that. Anyone who could eat it all, it was theirs. They didn't have to pay for it.

Which is weird. It's rewarding the obesity. Yeah, but it's got a sort of a... If you actually try and follow the logic of that um it's it's it's tricky but there was i had a friend who uh big dave who did it yeah it's had like six pieces of fried bread with it yeah even that would be a breakfast for some people i tell you what i miss fried bread yeah Ava Hurts of Gover that would last her a fortnight

I don't know I think she's a fan of the lard and the eggs you might be right she'd feed off that for weeks like a snake I'd like to see that yeah she'd live on it like bacteria go on Al so tell us more about the rookie copper and and the fry ups well he uh he he thought

he was in the right because he lived just outside of the zone where he he would have to pay it if he lived just in if basically you get the free breakfast if you live 20 miles or more away and i think he didn't quite live far enough away but he was caught red handed saying I'm not entitled to this but I should be oh very good what he said was the way he was caught was that another policeman heard

him say that he didn't quite qualify and reported him I thought he'll do well when he, that bloke. What did he say? He's chosen his job very wisely, that bloke who did that, the bloke who stitched him up. He has got copper written all the way through him in granite. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We were talking about the rookie policeman who, I mean, I don't like to call this theft. He basically ate free breakfast that he wasn't entitled to. I suppose it's theft. Yeah, seven of them, but, you know, even so. It's not quite, it doesn't, they'd have probably been thrown away if he hadn't have eaten them, but he could have paid for them, you know even so um it's it's not quite it doesn't they'd have probably been thrown away

if he hadn't have eaten them but he could have paid for him you're right well i think we're getting an insight into your integrity i feel a bit sorry for him i also the old uh saying that it takes a thief to catch a thief he could have been a he could have been a chap that was worth holding on to i i would have thought i mean he's been banned from ever applying for any job in any British police force for his whole life. Who's going to be the first to say it's PC gone mad? That's really very funny. It was you, Em.

Oh, excellent. Oh, lovely. I would just like to point out what he actually said. I'm less sympathetic, unsurprisingly. It's like on the chase. I'm the one they really dread getting, aren't I? I'm the horrible one of the Trinity. um what he actually said was or what was overheard was him saying i'm not really entitled to this but i should be i live just outside the boundary or inside presumably yeah he meant that yeah he said outside because i presume he meant the boundary through which you're allowed to claim it but you know what i didn't like that i thought that was harsh but on the other hand frank i mean it is a bit you know if you tell one lie you have to question all truths come on yeah what you think if he's the sort of man who would turn his blind eye to a stolen breakfast he might turn a blind eye to human trafficking is that what you're getting

that sort of thing right yeah well it's It's very scalable, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. I don't know if that necessarily allows. I think I could live with having a breakfast that I didn't totally qualify for. It just feels like food already exists and we might as well eat it. But not seven consecutively when you're...

Oh, well, that's the trouble, isn't it? Because it's one of those... You've got the seven. Yeah. I used to work at a furniture factory and there was a bloke that used to steal furniture every week. He sounds nice. I said, how much furniture do you need?

And he said, the thing is, I know now, I've realised in recent times that I will only stop when I get caught. And he was on the slide. He was going and he just couldn't. He knew he would never have the willpower because he'd always been nagging at him that he could have had one more poof. Could have gone away with one more poof. Could have gone away with one more poof.

But I think this tap's probably fallen into the same... I'll tell you what shocked me about it, the fact that policemen eat fry-ups at all. Because I remember once having a... In my drinking days, I was about 19, and I had a conversation with a policeman in the street who told me that what he ate for breakfast was people like me. I still remember his tone as a, I eat people like you for breakfast.

I mean, it was, oh, I mean, I was right. When you're a drunkard, you have a sort of a hotline to the police. I used to speak to the police in the street four or five times a week. I never speak to the police now unless something awful has happened. But then we were out at the same time, you know, in similar areas. So you get to know them quite well. I feel for this guy personally. He said he wants to build a rapport with colleagues.

And the chief constable charmingly said, I consider this nonsense. Yeah, well, he said he could have paid and still built a rapport. But, you know, you don't want to be the one who's paid, dear. It'd be like when the tropical bird escapes into the garden and he's torn apart by the common sparrows. Oh, God. It's a bit like that.

I'm still hungry for outside world reader contributions. Give me more. Well, you mooted a week or so ago that you'd be interested to know what cardboard cutouts people had had in their lives. Yes, I was saying... And I forgot, actually. Oh, you've had one.

Whilst I was a drama student, I had a full-size cardboard cutout of both Stan Laurel and another one of Oliver Hardy. And I think they may still be in the corridors of the Welsh College of Music and Drama They belong to you personally They belong to me and then I handed them on to a

tutor when I was moving I like Frank's acting like they're the Elgin Marbles they belong to you personally Probably as good But we've had various messages regarding what cardboard cutouts people had Will

can I tell you something by the way just while we're on before we move off Laurel and Hardy I've got a I can see them from here I'm sitting in my bedroom I've got I don't know if you remember these faces

they used to it's the things your granny used to have on the wall and they're small faces not as in Steve Marrier small like China faces I think they're made of some sort of pottery anyway and very realistic and you used to get things like old pirates

and men in turbans looking very grizzled so that the artist could do face lines. And I've got Laurel and Hardy in those little heads. Do you know the things I'm talking about? They're sort of ceramic. They're a little before your time, I know, but they were fabulously detailed heads. I must go on eBay.

I bet there's all sorts available. I quite fancy a mid-80s Bolivian peasant woman. I think... Well, we know that, but what about the decor? Yeah. That's one where the facial line artists can really go to town. Frank, imagine going to a dating agency i mean you're all loved up but in the earlier days and that's what you are got any types what's your type

prank yeah it's definitely that now that's my that's my new catchment area anyway woman no i'm bolivian oh bolivian yeah um well will palmer has uh texted or us, I had a life-size Darth Vader that breathed whenever you went near it. I took the batteries out when it went off in the night. That would have been startling. You don't want to hear heavy breathing in the night, do you? No, definitely not. Also, it just struck me that breathe really feels like it should be bro-th in the past tense.

Oh, interesting. I think English grammar missed a bit of an opportunity. There's a few of those Star Wars ones knocking around, because Joel Levy simply says, Chewbacca discovered in a loft of a rental property. That would be a great headline in a local newspaper. That's a good one, Chewbacca, because you get more bang for your buck, of course, because he's about seven foot four. That's a good discovery.

You'd probably get an extra strut out of it to keep the head erect, I would have thought. I'm looking at my Dalek. Now, I've got a cardboard life-size Dalek. We've had a few. I had John Wayne as well, those who didn't hear it last week. Yes, we had someone else. Their mother had John Wayne.

And we also had... It's always a good family gossip. Don't start me on Ackerbilk. Carry on. We've also had Kevin Keegan wearing a suit with flares, wide lapels and a kipper tie. This is from Dave Waddell. Oh, I thought you were going to say,

and Kevin says he had a cardboard cutout. No. With Bill Shankly. No, nicked it from persons. En route to an England game at Wembley, smuggled it into the stadium where it was hoisted aloft. Stewards waded in and attempted to confiscate it.

Poor Kevin was destroyed in the melee. Oh, man. So that could only happen in one very distinct era. And it did. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran don't text the show because I'm afraid we're not live

so I don't want you wasting your money you can however contact us at Frank on the radio through Twitter and what's it called? Instagram Instagram, what's it called what's the other one instagram that's it or you can email us through the absolute radio website i thought i'd learned it off by heart i was fooling myself okay i'll tell you what i did this week um it's always dangerous to share something that you love with someone else you know like when you I remember watching Man With Two Brains the Steve Martin film a film I'd always loved and I watched

it with Kath my partner who'd never seen it and I and I was saying oh man you will love it's the funniest film and because she clearly wasn't finding it funny, I stopped finding it funny as well. And it was terrible. At the end of it, not only was she sort of disgruntled that I'd led her into do something that was a waste of 90 minutes, but I felt I'd lost something. I didn't want to go back to that film.

I wanted to remember it as funny as it was. I had not quite the same experience, but this week, my seven-year-old, who's actually eight today, so my eight-year-old, although we were seven then. Happy birthday. Yes, happy birthday, boss. Happy birthday,

boss. We had a bit of spare telly time and I said, I'll show you a programme I think you'll love. Do you like Harry Potter? I think this is right up your street. So I checked on, not catch up, whatever, on demand, and they'd got all five series of Merlin. Oh, yeah.

And I thought, oh, man, just think of it. I legitimately could watch all five series of Merlin again. Yeah. And it'll be an act of kind. Yeah. So we watched, I would say, seven minutes of it. Before he said quite boldly, I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this.

And we ended up watching Garfield, A Tale of Two Kitties instead. I'm with those. Oh, man. I'm still slightly shaken from it. I was so... There's magic early on. I thought, I hope there's not a big i can't remember the first episode i hope there's not like a lot of talking about you know medieval

politics and and all that and then the you know the magic comes 25 minutes in it'll look but the magic was almost like within the first three minutes and I thought, great, got him. But no. You've got Doctor Who, Frank. I mean, imagine. He finds Doctor Who too scary. Oh, does he? I haven't tried him on Bob Ross's The Joy of Painting. Oh, we need to discuss Bob Ross. In case you don't know, I was talking about Bob Ross.

Oh, are they? This was a thing I discovered recently in which a man more or less paints exactly the same painting every week. And there's been, I think, 311 episodes. It's the Bob Ross news. I mean, he's no longer with us, Bob Ross. Greer Riddell, I'm going to say, who's one of our regulars. Hello, Greer.

She forwarded us a link to a YouTube clip, which has a video. She says, you should have a quick watch of this about Bob Ross from The Joy of Painting. It's about the company set up for his fans in West Virginia and why you can't buy any Bob Ross paintings. I've watched this. It's absolutely brilliant. I forwarded it to YouTube. Did you watch it? No. I haven't watched it yet. I've watched this. It's absolutely brilliant. I've forwarded it to you two.

Did you watch it? No. I haven't watched it yet. I haven't seen it yet. But surely Frank Skinner can buy it. He owns George Formby's prayer book. Surely he can buy a Bob Ross painting if he wants. It's never occurred to me that one of the offshoots

of Bob Ross doing all these paintings was that he could sell them, of course. But now you're telling me he can't. He didn't. I mean, I don't actually want to give it away because it's so good. Please do check it out. It's absolutely brilliant.

I feel bad for our readers, though, that are on the edge of their... Well, essentially. I mean, do you want me to tell you what happened? I'm going to think about it. Go on. They ended up, a lot of them have now ended up in the Smithsonian

and Bob Ross had said at one point I will not be the sort of painter that will ever be exhibited in a gallery that's all he's very wrong well I think

if he'd used the phrase shouldn't be then he would have actually been had it on the nose Bob Ross then he would have actually had it on the nose. That was Bobby Rydell with My Teenage Misunderstanding. It wasn't, but I don't know what song it was, so I'm just going to say anything.

I don't think there is a song called that by Bobby Rydell, but there should be. There should be. We're talking about Bob Ross of The Joy of Fainting. Of course we are in 2020 on Absolute Radio. You should check him out. He's on BBC4 and Vice. Very Moorish.

Very Moorish. Well, that's what people used to say about uh othello but i've i've found i watched about seven bob ross's and um i just can't watch the same painting happening again and again so i've he's lost me bob we've we've had other bob ross uh information coming in hathers 74 at hathers 74 has said hi franken team did you know bob ross still has merch my friend received a mug for a secret santa a couple of years ago with one of the obscene jokes on it she watched him before his recent resurgence i like the fact that she that she's sort of giving us some kudos, you know, like when people say,

oh, yeah, I was into R.E.M. before anybody else. Yeah, it's like I was an early adopter of the Smiths, yeah. Yes. But, yeah, I was watching Bob Ross back in Series 8. Before he'd even wet his brushes. I mean, I know we were laughing at the the concept of frank skinner tunics but the bob ross merch for pity's sake i imagine that mug um is one that i wouldn't drink tea out of i'd just use for my brushes oh yes that's why that's what I'm thinking. What he should have done, he's got an enormous sort of afro

in the days when white people still did that. And what he should have done, you know those sponges that you use to lean on when you're painting? Have you seen them, like a sponge on a stick? He could have bought out like a figure of him and his hair could have been the thing that you leaned on the canvas. Again, I always think I'd be good at people's merchandise.

I never had the Bob Ross meeting, of course. I was watching Ralph Breaks the Internet. Oh, yes. Do you know it? No. I do know a bit it's the sequel to um you know do you know wreck it ralph yeah oh yes i have to say wreck it ralph is a is a film about an an old um computer game character i've never found out and i could look it up but i haven't whether red kit ralph is a real actually was an old computer game character or if they've like in toy story they've just created a world where he was i don't know the answer i'd love to know

please let us know a bit but anyway in this film he was doing a series of YouTube videos in order to become a sort of YouTube sensation, Red Kid Ralph. And they're all varied. He tries every type of method to become popular. And one of them, it's only up for like four or five seconds, it's him doing Bob Ross. It seems suddenly he's got the afro. He's talking in that kind of

voice and of course i wouldn't have got that it would have been fine because i would have just thought oh that's him doing a sort of home painting thing but obviously it was a it was a richer experience that's a very niche joke for yeah for a kid maybe he was more part of the culture so that you know there's a famous artist in every... Oh, OK, sorry. Well, yeah. I know, I was going to say that, Frank, come on. Yeah, but I enjoyed that.

I enjoyed Bob Ross cropping up as a cultural reference in a Cribs cartoon. Really good. I'm looking forward to know the breakfast-ste being in the next in the next Shrek movie. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, people, I must say, actually, it has been quite a thin week for non-virus related news. quite a thin week for non-virus related news but um did you see the story about the woman's banana that turned black after nine weeks this woman essentially she left a banana in her drawer in her office drawer at work um and she tweeted about it saying look i'm just very worried about this banana and what's happened to it.

I left it in the drawer. And then she drove into work. She had such anxiety about it to discover what condition it was in after nine weeks. I mean, I don't know if she's allowed. Can I say, I don't know if you're allowed. Would that be classified? I don't think she went to work as such, did she? She was just, it was a banana mission. Yeah, she was going in specifically

to get the banana. I feel Alan would be the closest to the crime desk correspondent. I think she should be allowed to do that. I think that should be considered an essential journey because she could say look, there's decomposing fruit here. It's going to stink. And therefore, there's not a essential journey because she could say look this this decomposing fruit here it's gonna stink

and therefore there's not a jury in the land that would uh imprison her for that surely they'd go well that is an essential journey because that would really reek i think the danger is anyone who's watched a lot of sci-fi that that banana could have grown and infested the desk and it could have become animate as sort of a bacteria um banana creature i suppose you can put that forward as supporting evidence can you say anyone who's watched a lot of sci-fi you mean you yeah no there's more than me really i um i did a thing now which i look my, I became, I got in my car and I thought I'll just turn the engine over a bit. Remember when people used to say that?

I'm driven from here, I'm just going to turn the engine over. And I did it and a sign, you know, nowadays your dashboard tells you stuff all the time. And it said to me, running the engine while stationary will drain the battery. Did it? I think it used the word, because I remember being shaken by this. It used the word merely. And I thought, that's quite a thing from a sort of a robot comment. Anyway, so it turns out you have to move the car.

You have to drive. Drive it about to charge. Around the block or something. So I went. I did something I don't think I've ever done in my entire life. What did you do? I went, here come the inverted commas, for a drive. You know when people

say, I just went for a drive. What a pleasure. I've never. I've never gone for a drive. I've always been going somewhere. But I went for a drive. What a pleasure. I've never, I've never gone for a drive. I've always been going somewhere. But I went for a drive and I listened to T.S. Eliot's The Wasteland twice. Did you really? That's quite a long drive then. Read by T.S. Eliot. Well, I thought it's going to need a good 40 minutes to get the battery.

How, I loved you went for a drive. Who was it? He used to do that how was it carnu the arsenal player didn't he do it i think i think he was depressed he was lonely when he first came to london yeah and he used to go on long drives but during lockdown you need to move your tires because otherwise they can level i've returned to my role as motoring correspondent yeah but i but I did feel I was thinking I don't know if I should be doing this

where is the list of whether this is allowed because there must be lots of people whose batteries are flattening during lockdown of course this weekend they'll all be off to local beauty spots but yeah I don't know I think that the rotten banana journey i i think you'd have problems making that stick in court not the rotten banana which would stick that would stick to anything i would have thought this is frank skinner this is absolute radio I was talking previously about going for a drive in order to charge my car battery and whether that was within the government guidelines.

I take one thing that occurred to me. If a policeman stopped me, I thought I would say that we are allowed to go out. This was, you know, before they've slackened off a bit. We're allowed to go out for an hour a day for exercise. And as Formula One is classified as a sport, then I could argue that driving was exercise that's very good actually yeah your feet on the pedals yeah yeah i think i think it would have been it would have been worth a try certainly well she the woman with the banana that we were talking about whose banana um turned black

after nine weeks and she went to the office to retrieve it to the office in glasgow i mean what i would say well did you see the condition of the banana then it was pretty shriveled well i've had it virtually it's exactly the same experience with a banana in that i i left the banana i didn't realise I'd left it quite like this. Imagine if I said that. I left a banana in an office I was writing at. And then I went away on holiday. And it occurred to me that I'd left the banana. But what I didn't realise, when I went back to the office,

I'd used it as a bookmark. The banana. I had. You know, sometimes you're reading a book and instead of getting a proper bookmark, you just stick a pen in the author. So I put a banana in it. Yes, a pen, but never a banana.

Well, there was a banana on the desk. I imagined it would just be there for a few, for a day or so. Actually, you're right. I was just looking at my bookshelves now and there's a pineapple in a copy of The Christmas Carol. Well, we all use fruit as a bookmark, don't we? What else do you put in there as a bookmark? This was, if it was Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises.

I can't remember if it's set in any sort of banana-based places. I don't recall. Anyway, it was blast. It hadn't rotted. I thought it would. I mean, I thought it would have rotted. I didn't, if I'd known it was in the book, if I'd remembered that,

I'd have been anxious that the whole book would have been destroyed. But it had gone black, the banana, but it didn't have... It was just hard. It didn't feel like you could pick it up. Look, when I first saw it, I thought one of the commas in the book had been injected with some sort of growth serum. Anabolic steroids. Yeah, just one comma had dominated the whole book, you know.

In Hemingway as well, the mask of the short sentence. Deeply ironic. Was it a sort of piltdown man consistency? It was hard. Oh. Yeah, it was hard. And, I mean, jet black not like you know you get black bits on a banana that have still they've still uh got a reminiscence of the original yellow this was

oh this was as black as a the stopwatch background on an iphone oh lovely um i'm just looking do you know um i do i seem to remember t remember Tony Blair used to eat black bananas. There was a story years ago that came out about him saying he specifically liked black bananas. Oh, yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. I mean, this story really made me feel middle class because I saw it and thought, oh, I do like those sun-dried bananas from Holland and Barrett. And then I thought thought this is the most

middle class I've ever felt okay look I'm going to leave you on a on a question a cliffhanger question and then we'll come back with this favorite banana best fact stick around On Absolute Radio. So we were talking about favourite banana facts sort of thing that I know we all discuss. But mine is, and this is slightly, you know, we used to talk about big moments on this show where people say stuff as if it's an amazing fact and everyone knows it. But my favourite banana one is that a banana is officially...

Do you know what it's classified as, officially? What kind of fruit? Oh, I don't, actually. OK. Al? Is it a seed or something like that? It's a berry. Oh. I mean, that can't be right

can it? That's like the old tomato is a fruit thing, yuck It's got a business being a berry Tomato is just like red, if someone got tap water dyed it red and rolled it into a ball

that's a tomato It's a fruit, tomato it's a fruit so it's okay it's a rubbish fruit but a banana is a berry i love that fact what's your favorite banana fact uh let us know by uh email we'll talk about it next week you guys got any looking forward to that well i've got my tony blair one which i've just told you. Yeah, that is a good one. But I would say, I think the reasoning behind that, do you remember he went through what I'm calling his crystals phase due to there were some external influences. Do you remember that?

And I think it's because the riper the banana, obviously, you know, the blacker it gets. And maybe it was the intense sugar high, the energy release he was after. I don't know. Ask him. Yeah, but the problem is, if I remember rightly, the bananas, as they ripen, they produce some terrible gas

that makes the other fruit ripen too quickly and decay, which I'm not saying anything about sherry booze but because I've been one thing I've struggled with during lockdown is I had some avocados at the

beginning of lockdown they have yet to ripen you need a bag with a banana don't you that's what I'm going to do it only occurred to me reading this story remembered the fact that you can it's a sort of a ripening fast track

instrument a banana so good info sometimes this shows like a civic duty isn't it well I'll tell you if there's any filmmakers listening I mean like This show's like a civic duty, isn't it? Well, I'll tell you, if there's any filmmakers listening, I mean, on an amateur level, people who like to make, you know.

I find if you put a thumbnail into the base of the stalk, there's a tearing of sinew sound the nail going through the sort of stringiness of the stalk which works perfectly if you're doing that bit in a film where somebody sneaks up on the sentry at night and twists their neck and breaks their neck

as a sound effect the thumbnail into the base of the banana stalk works perfectly in that context. That's going to be very useful for someone. Yeah, maybe my brother-in-law can use that in his next... I think his response would be, no, you're all right. That's the level he's working at, definitely, doing his own sound effects.

Well, you know, the world's different now we've finally come back to a sort of pre-industrial society and who knows how that will affect the cinema in general no one will be able to go to the cinema anyway so what's the point of making the damn things

that's what we're all wondering anyway look good luck to everyone. And don't forget to email us the best thing you've ever used as a bookmark. Keep it clean. Keep it clean, please. Thank you so much for listening to us.

I'll be remotely and not live. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, stay in unless you need to go out. And then if you go out, be aware. Oh, it's not going to work, is it? This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. aware oh it's not going to work is it this is Frank Skinner

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