The Frank Skinner Show - Hokey Cokey

Episode Date: May 24, 2014

Frank is away so Emily is in the hot seat. She is joined by Comedians Matt Forde and Steve Hall. They talk BAFTA, Birthdays, Puppet shows and the trials of moving house.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is the Frank Skinner Show. But people, oh the producer just passed me a piece of paper saying do not text. That's a clue to what's going on today, all will be revealed later. It is the Frank Skinner Show. If you paid attention at school you might have realised I'm not actually Frank Skinner. I'm Emily Dean, I'm standing in for Frank this week week he's taking a little mini break he's not leaving the country so don't try and burgle him it's a staycation that's what he's convinced kathy is because he

doesn't want to spend money on a holiday um but i hope they're having a lovely time i should say in the interest of full disclosure we have uh we're not live today is that right boys it is indeed true you sounded really sleazy in the studio we have Matt Ford a friend of the show yeah good friend oh I can't and Steve all in the house good morning well it's not really morning but we're pretending it is there's the illusion smashed yes no tooth fairy why are we doing a pre-record? I'm not quite sure why we're doing a pre-record this morning. Why are we doing a pre-record, Daisy?

I've got plans. Daisy's got plans. Daisy's got plans. I've got plans on a Saturday night, and I don't wish to look like Arthur Scargill as a result of getting up at 5am, which is why I'm doing a pre-record. I don't know about you boys.

I bet you've never looked like Arthur Scargill early in the morning. Well, better askd john mcgregor maybe he was quite a catch in his youth i believe was he a lot of eyeliner and um arthur scargill yeah that's a lovely collection of clutch bags they don't show scargill the glam years do you know arthur scargill's clutch bag is a good name for a band? I love that. Sounds like a euphemism for something, doesn't it? Yes, it does.

So don't text in. That's very important that we tell the listeners not to text in because they'll be wasting their money. They'll be throwing good money off to bad. Just listen. Just be. That's a Buddhist section of the absolute radio. Zen radio would be quite a frustrating experience for a listener.

I've got to talk to you boys because I went to the BAFTAs this week. Isn't that exciting? Alright, rub it in. The TV BAFTAs. Oh, Matt, that's so mean. It's not the BAFTAs then, is it? No, it's a bit more

junior BAFTAs. Women from Coronation Street. Yeah, but Ian Beale was there. Beale, no, Adam Woodyatt. Beale! No way! Woodyatt in the house. How was he? Well, I'll tell you what he had on. Do you know when men... Can I tell you what he had on?

You know when men wear a tux? But they're not happy just to go for your plain black tux. There's a floral jacquard motif going on. Do you know what I mean by that? So it's black. In the lining or on the outer? On the outside. So if you look in the light, you'll see a floral pattern. Very footballers wedding of the 90s. I think Gazza got married in one of them. Yes, I think he did. A cream version. With a wine cravat, perhaps. Wine coloured cravat. Anyway, so he was there. He posed for a selfie with Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad.

Not a good look. So often you don't see Jesse Pinkman and Ian Beale together enough. That's the new... It was quite the sight. That'd be a perfect buddy movie, that. Yeah, it was good. But I wore Victoria Beckham. I beg your pardon?

I did. Thanks for the loan. It was lovely. But it was so tight. I do apologise for this in advance, if this is TMI. But it was so tight that I couldn't even get Spanx on underneath. You wouldn't need to, would you? No, Matt, I tried it on with the Spanx and the zip wouldn't go up.

And is that not the second awards do in a row that you've been Spanx free? Yes, it is. Shouldn't you have just worn a bigger one? I mean, that's the male thing. It's just, well, that clearly doesn't fit you. You suggest that I would need a bigger pair of Spanx. Well, all I'm saying is maybe they sent you a smaller one by mistake.

You know what I love about you, Matt? I love that you know me so well that you don't say you bought it. You say they sent you a smaller one. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute, Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio That was very chaotic I felt Came back from that link

I don't like it when it's not live I like all my moments in life to be live So you're both aware of that Don't live life on pre-record That's a nice kind of maxim for existence Sounds like an album by Arthur Scargill's Clutch Band. Will you let it go? They've disbanded now.

Oh, so I'm at the BAFTAs. Yeah. And I've got the dress so tight that I can't even get Spanx on. OK. Poor Matt. He normally discusses politics and... Oh, I talk about when he's clothed. He's having to discuss my pants.

I think Matt can cover every aspect of culture. Every aspect of women's pants. I'm happy to talk about it. Are you? Oh, absolutely, yes. Okay, as long as you're just talking about it. So I squeezed into the dress. It took so long to squeeze into the dress.

Two people had to help me. Goodness me. Some of our listeners are going to be playing this bit back very slowly and describe in more detail how two people helped you on into your very tight dress. This is like some Emily Dean fan fiction that someone has written. And a cat and nine tails.

But I couldn't sit down. And of course the trouble with the BAFTAs is they make you stand up and down and up and down. We had to stand for Cilla Black. You didn't have to. I will not stand for Cilla Black. We had to stand for Julie Walters. Ah, fair dues.

Yeah, fair dues. Isn't that fair dues? Pop, what did you say? Poppins. Poppins. That's her, isn't it? No, no. Oh, I'm thinking of Julie Andrews.

Julie Andrews. Oh, Walters, no. Straight back down. I'd be up for Walters. Why do you refer to everyone as if they play for Norwich? Walters. Mark Walters. Walters, yeah, yeah. So I kept having to stand up, but then a girl behind me,

who it turned out was an Olympic athlete, you'd be familiar with her work. Lovely girl, looked good scrubbed up, and they often don't, athletes, let's be honest. And she tapped me on the shoulder and she said, excuse me, your zipper keeps falling down. I know. So I turned to my date, I said, zip me up.

So he kept having to zip me up all night. Every fight, he'd go, it's gone again. It kept going. It couldn't, I don't want to get into too many details here, but the laws of physics, there were issues with the laws of physics from the frontage to the back. Do you understand? Were you trying to go for a man of kind of Liz Hurley in that dress from 94 type controversy?

Was it Versace? Yeah, yeah. With the big safety pin. Why did you pronounce it like George Galloway? Versace. Versace. Gianni Versace. No, I thought...

Was it more of a there's something about Mary? It was. I was trying to make an impact, I won't lie. But I didn't want to be undressed and I did panic. So I think the moral of this story is I won't be wearing the dress again. As much as I love Vicky, I think I'm not sure you can wear Victoria Beckham and eat on the same night. Can you stick it on eBay? No, I can't because I don't own it. night. Can you stick it on eBay?

No, I can't, because I don't own it. Will people be, if people were to Google image search Emily Dean BAFTA's 2014, would they be able to see a picture of the dress? Maybe if they search for my date, but I don't know if I'm prepared to share that information right now. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, boys, I've got my mouth full of M&Ms at the moment. I've told them about that. We need to talk about Yaya. Oh, yeah. Oh, Yaya. Now I happen to love Yaya. We're talking, of course, Matt, you're the football.

Are you the football correspondent? I'm the football. No, you're the football correspondent. I enjoy watching it, yeah. Yeah. So tell us what's happened. Well, Yaya Arturay is I would say arguably

one of the greatest players applying his trade in the Premier League well certainly last season and he's trying to stop this week because it was his birthday

and Manchester City didn't get him I think even a birthday card or a present and he's agent has thrown out a statement it's now thrown his future

at the club into disarray all over I mean what I don't understand is he leaves a fairly charmed life anyway He's now thrown his future at the club into disarray. I mean, what I don't understand is he leaves a fairly charmed life anyway. If you're on that sort of money in that sort of life, every day is a birthday, isn't it? I bet he's got a nice car. If you're earning £10 million a year, that's what he does. And 80,000 people chant your name on a weekly basis.

Yeah, 50. To be fair, that's happened to me in my life, but that's another story. Well, I've never had it. And what people don't appreciate about Yaya is the strength. To be able to run that fast with a body like his, it almost defies the laws of science. Oh, thank you very much. He doesn't have to wear Spanx either. He's a phenomenon.

But he's clearly a Mardy little so-and-so, and that's what's off him. Well, apparently Man City's excused for his sleep. What's Mardy? Is that Northern? Yeah, moody. Yeah, grumpy. Surly. Thanks for the translation. There's an Arctic Monkey song called Mardy little so-and-so, and that's what they offer him. Well, apparently Man City's excused for his sleep. What's Mardy? Is that Northern? Yeah, moody. Yeah, grumpy. Surly. Thanks for the translation.

There's an Arctic Monkey song called Mardy Bum. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Mardy Bum. Have we got to pay for that, Daisy? I'm going to see him. I'm going to see him. Oh, well, I will have seen him. Oh, yes, you will have seen him.

Oh, it's in the future, but it's in the past. Since people are hearing this, I'll have seen him. I might be dead by the time he goes out. Where are you seeing him? Finstreet Park. Fantastic. It's Friday night. Ew. I'm going to neutral neutral milk hotel at the roundhouse me jesse why did you put those haribos out man's not absolutely mental it's the bananas that have done it yeah radioactive it always is

bananas and haribo what about yaya's agent because he might be my favourite person ever because he quoted, his name is Dimitri. Hello, it's Dimitri. Can I speak to Pellegrini manager, please? He says, that's my little impression of Dimitri. Nice Bond villain. Hello, I'm Pellegrini manager. Do you want a steak, don't you? Everyone sounds like Borat,

who doesn't live in Britain in your world. Hello, I'm from United States. My name is Barack Obama. Oh, I wish life was like that. Dimitri says, none of the club shook its hand on his birthday. It's really sick, you know. Sick? It's really sick.

Yeah, I know. Why does he think it's sick? His standards of morality must be fairly warped. He also pointed out that Roberto Carlos, he said, he got a Bugatti, didn't he? Yeah. Did you read that? Exactly, a Bugatti Veyron. Which isn't it? Southampton, I think, got Francis Benally a Honda Accord.

Apparently Man City's excuse was that they did get him a birthday card but they gave it to Martin de Michaelis to post. The thing that I find quite shocking about it is I can't remember when I last got upset because someone forgot my birthday. I don't want people to remember my birthday. I pay them not to remember my birthday. Last time I got upset about someone forgetting my birthday I was three years old and doubly incontinent.

There's no easy way of saying that. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So we're talking about Yaya this morning on Absolute Radio and specifically how upset he was that Nancy forgot his birthday and his agent Dimitri, who wasn't best pleased either.

But you were saying, I mean, they did get him a cake. I saw. Did you see that Instagram picture of the cake on the plane? Cake on the plane. Have it with these mother bleeping kids. That's what Dimitri said. There's a video of them delivering it on the plane. Who delivered it?

It's some PR lady or someone who works for Man City. Right. And no one cares. He's asleep as they go to deliver the cake. And they turned into Millwall. That was a football joke. Matt didn't laugh. He was a bit jealous.

Because I made a football joke. Because no one likes us is the Millwall joke. We don't care. Oh, OK. Fair point. Well, because no one likes us is the middle one. We don't care. Oh, OK, fair point. Oh, yes! How embarrassing. I'd slightly done a ya-ya and half nodded off, so I was...

Apologies. That's OK. Accepted. Well, I'd gone mad before, hadn't I? Now I'm chilling. I think the chemistry's back between me and Matt. I was worried it had gone for various reasons. Yeah, right.

For various reasons I won't go into on this show. OK. But the chemistry's still there, isn't it? Oh, I think so chemistry's back between me and Matt. I was worried it had gone for various reasons. Various reasons I won't go into on this show. But the chemistry's still there, isn't it? Oh, I think so. Now you've gone creepy. If you are wearing Spanx now, you won't be by the end of the show. The problem is you're sort of in charge of the chemistry. Yes. Get used to it.

What were you saying, Steve Paul, on your serial killer lumberjack shirt? Goodness me. It is a bit serial killer. This is a Brutus. It's a Brutus trim fit. Classic mod since 1966. I think it looks really good on you.

No, I think it looks lovely, but I do think you're going to murder me. Well, carry on dissing my shirt. Anyway, as you were. There's this video. So he's snoozing, and it's the most half-hearted round of happy birthday. It's like they're struggling to even remember.

They're all clearly a bit sleepy on the plane. And so it's, happy birthday, dear Yaya. And Joe Hart gives him a bottle of Head & Shoulders. It's all very... I like that they have to sing dear Yaya as well. Well, what else would they sing? Well, I don't know. It just sounds inherently quite comical.

I'm not laughing at his name, but... Because there's the chant, isn't there, with him and his brother, that they do. Man City have the best chants in the Premier League. Arguably the best chants in Britain. But there's the one because there's Kolo Tori and Yaya Tori, and they all go, Kolo, Kolo, Kolo, Kolo, Kolo, Kolo Tori,

Yaya, Yaya, Yaya. They, sorry, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They go on for ages. Oh, I like that. Really good fun to go to a Man City game. Everyone should go. Well, you should have some more of your Haribos and go down there. Keep those energy levels up. To an empty stadium.

I've done it before. I did once. I got a taxi to the Forest Grand one night on my birthday and tried to get on the pitch at midnight. It was a very embarrassing episode. She'll never talk about it again. We'll be back soon with more tales of Matt Ford's pitch invasions. Naked. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh, I've got popcorn in my mouth. That's a nice way to start a link, isn't it? I got into the studio today. Steve Hall was sitting in the corner. It was like Augusta's Clue.

He had a bowl full of M&M's, a giant tub of popcorn and some Haribos. Then he ate the microphone. Honestly, he couldn't even break off to speak to me. It was shocking. You know, I'm not allowed out of the house much. I've got to take on nourishment where I can. Matt, I'm not being rude, but it was a bit, oh, I'll get the freebies.

He was cleaning up the freebies a bit. Oh, I think if there's free food and someone's hungry, then those two things go together. I don't have a problem with it. Thanks for that insight. Well, this cake, talking of Steve Hall, this cake on the plane, talking of Samuel L. Jackson, it wasn't a good cake. In fairness to Yaya, I analysed that cake quite forensically. Do you know when a cake's been in Gregg's for a few too many days and it's gone a bit dusty in the window?

Yes, but there's a trick here. Oh, go on. You just have it with a hot cup of tea. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just have a stale bit of cake with a hot cup of tea and watch the snooker. Don't take it the wrong way, but I was expecting something significantly more insightful when you said that. Well, what did you expect me to say?

I don't know. I thought there'd be some other trick or something. I'm not a chef. No, but it really is as simple as that. Really? Just have a nice cup of tea and just take a mouthful and... And it's nice. Yeah, and watch the snooker.

And I think a cake left in Greg's for a few days too long, that basically describes my face. That's how my wife would describe how she picked me up. Yeah, but at least you haven't got dust on your face. I feel metaphorical dust. The dust of life. So what was the problem with Yaya's cake? It just looked old. What sort of cake was it?

What's the design? I haven't seen it. Is it a football? It's a square, love. football love it's square i think it had an mcfc yeah and then the latin which i obviously thoroughly approve of having gone to a private school and then which means pride in battle i believe and oh lovely you could have come to our school just for the day there was a blue sort of blanket i've torn through that place like a cock in a hen house. Like a swarm of locusts. I can only apologise enough on Absolute Radio this morning.

Can we talk about birthdays, though? Because I want to know how you react. And we've already established I hate birthdays. I don't want to be reminded of them. If someone forgets my birthday, that's fine. I'm not five years old. There are things I care more about. I care more about about um matt you strike me as a little bit needy what do i when it comes how are you when it comes to birthdays though i'm good i'm good well i don't

want to sound like a idiot an idiot no but. But I like most days. So when it's a birthday, it's a double good day. You know, as long as I wake up and there's lemonade in the fridge and there's water in the tap, then that's already a good start. Lemonade in the fridge? You're a clown. I just like lemonade. I'm generally a happy person. You're one of the most naturally buoyant people I've ever met. Yeah, I would say you're very happy. Every day I'm like, woohoo!

And then if it turns out it's someone's birthday, then it's another excuse to drink. But do you... Would you get upset if a friend forgot your birthday, a close friend? Well... Or let's say... Let's say a lady friend. I don't know if you have a lady friend currently,

but let's say you did. Yeah. How would you feel if the lady friend forgot your birthday? It'd depend on what stage of the relationship. OK. If I was married, and it was sort of five... Don't laugh at me being married!

If I was married, I reckon I will get married actually, so in your face. If it was five years in and I forgot my birthday, I'd say, what, is this now a sign? Or, if you've just started dating, then they probably wouldn't even know it was your birthday. You see, I've sometimes gone over the top in the first few weeks, and that's not good, is it? In what way? Well, in terms of the present buying, because I'm very extravagant. Oh, that's good.

Well, it's not an offer, darling. No, I know, but I mean, that's a good thing that you get someone a really good present rather than a really bad present. Yeah, but then they take that as a sign. They think, oh, she's coming on a bit strong with her Paul Smith belt. Well, the thing is... I did buy a guy that, and I'd been seeing him for about four weeks. I bought him a Paul Smith belt. Well, the thing is... I did buy a guy that, and I'd been seeing him for about four weeks. I bought him a Paul Smith belt. What do you think? Well, I'm sure it's very pricey, but it's a belt.

And two books. Depends what the books were. And a DVD of the Nazis, a warning from history. God knows what he used that belt for. Funny thing is, you think I'm joking. It was Pete Doherty. The funny thing is, you think I'm joking. It was Pete Doherty.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I haven't said at all this morning, you know, this is Absolute Radio. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Show. And I should say that. So can I apologise to all the listeners, to my family and to myself? This is Absolute Radio. And you're not listening to Frank Skinner, but it is the Frank Skinner Show.

We've been talking about birthdays. Yes, much to my horror. I have one birthday incident. It's lovely to be working with Matt Ford again. Matt and I wrote on a number of series of Russell Howard's Good News. Oh, yes. And I was the victim of a rather cruel prank during the last series of

Russell Howard's Good News. What happened? Yes, Matt has just remembered it. Late one evening... Well, the stakes have raised pretty high now. Russell Howard and friend of the show, Mr Steve Williams, decided... Yes, I'm familiar with him. It would be fun to pretend to the staff that next day, and this was about 9pm, they would tell all the producers and researchers on the show that it was my birthday the next day and that everyone had forgotten about it. And it wasn't my birthday the next day, but it queued panic stations.

And I was going, it's not my birthday, they're just winding you up. And then the next morning, someone says to me, happy birthday. And I laugh, thinking they're doing it as a joke. And then at 4pm, everyone who works on the show comes in to deliver me two birthday cakes. The producer's sister had been up till three in the morning making the cakes. And they'd sent one of the runners down to Wimbledon to pick up the cakes. This utterly futile thing. They'd done me a card.

Thankfully, they'd all written nice things in the card. It could have been very tricky. And then they all sang me happy birthday. And I then had to say, it's not my birthday. How did that play? Everyone was heartbroken. Were they? Russell furious.

Russell blames me saying that I should have told the truth. I shouldn't have told the truth Was he genuinely unhappy? He was genuinely unhappy and I think someone I think they invoiced him for the cake No way! Because his sister had stayed up so late

Every cloud The Frank Skinner Show Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio This is Absolute Radio. pretending. You can tweet us though, at Frank on the radio. You might just want to tweet, I don't know. Can you think of some reasons, boys? They might just want to check in, see how we're doing. Yeah. Don't have to necessarily interact.

Just share the love. Yeah. While Frank's away, retweet some praise. Share the love was a bit creepy. I'm joined by Matt Ford and Steve Hall this morning. Hello. I happen to love these boys. But I do want to talk to Matt Ford because you've been having...

Well, let's just say you're making a little bit of an effort, aren't you, on the physical front? Oh, God. I was about to say Matt was looking trim, but that cough, there was quite a lot expectorated with that cough. I don't usually cough like that, I'm really sorry. It's because I just had a glug of water. That's okay, darling.

Um, I was absolutely... We're all God's children. I can't believe it. Well, there's a bowl of popcorn, and it looked like a piece of popcorn, so I'm now going nowhere near that popcorn. You look like an internal organ that came out. I can't believe I didn't cover my mouth, I'm so sorry.

No, but the good news is, the size of that, you've probably lost about half a stone. I'm really sorry, I usually cover my mouth. I'm so sorry. No, but the good news is, the size of that, you've probably lost about half a stone. I'm really sorry. I usually cover my mouth when I cough. Okay. You have to move on now. This is what happens when you get someone from TalkSport. Can we move on? I'm getting bored.

I'm trying to lose weight. Okay, you're trying to lose weight. Because I saw a photo of myself recently and I've got too much face. I've got basically side boob, but on my face. So I've got too much face. And I need to... I've got basically side boob, but on my face. So I've got all these side shots. This is going to be the new Daily Mail's next thing. Yeah, side face. Where are your

problem areas, if you don't mind me saying? Oh yeah, I see what you mean. And man boobs. Have you got man boobs? Well, shall I stand up? Yeah, let's have a look. You've got a lovely little physique, though. The thing is, knowing how much you drink, I think you're doing phenomenally well. Yes, mate.

I was just going to say, what is it? Is it the lager where you're going wrong? Is it booze, do you think? Well, a little bit of it lager, a bit of it food. So I'm trying to go to the gym more. But the problem is, at this time of year, because I'm a comedian, I'm doing gigs all around the place. So it's hard to fit it in. And then, so I'm trying to eat better.

But then you do gigs, you know what, I've earned a flipping pint here. So I have a pint and then, obviously I don't just have one. So then I haven't got a problem or anything. But the problem is, sorry, I haven't got a problem. It's that it's summertime. So every day you're like, this is barbecue day. This is beer garden day. This is happy day.

And we know what we do on happy day. We drink alcohol. What I need to do is find a way of not wanting lager. That's what I need for my long-term health. Yeah. And just solutions going forward. You should talk to Frank Skinner who hosts this show. Well, yes.

He's found a way of not wanting lager. Just wake up on a central reservation in Birmingham a few times in a row. It might be a deterrent. Drink Castlemaine 4X. I don't get that. Just the absolute radio has nothing against Castlemaine 4X. You see, I've drunk lager for many years. Frank's going to go mental.

I mean, he's only been out of the studio not long, and we're already talking about beer and there's praise flying around. I feel quite scared. Let's go hard on the anti-Catholicism. But I spent a few years as a student, and I drank lager all the time. I drank lager all the time. I just didn't eat anything.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I can hear feedback. Mine's on flight mode. OK, can someone turn their phone off, please? It's mine. OK. OK, I apologise, but that's not the first time that's happened, and it won't be the last.

We're talking this morning on Absolute Radio about Matt Ford's diet. So, Matt Matt let's get do you drink pints? yes because that's the first thing I did when I was first aware was switching to bottles could you do that? because there are certain people I know for whom that would be like the ultimate

in demasculation just the thing is I drink I do everything quite quickly so I eat quite quickly. I'm sort of touting for business there. I'm on the move quite quickly. Matt Ford is still single, ladies. I walk fast, I drink fast, I eat fast.

Do you know what I mean? I'm a fast guy. Yes, you are quite fast. I just do a lot of fast stuff. I think a slight impatience about me from birth. And a bottle would just disappear. Have you got that ADHD thing? Not quite. Not quite not quite okay a

little bit i think it's an excuse isn't it i just think i'm a bit i just i'm just i'm just a fast guy like i said i like you say fast because it sounds a bit less medical i'm just a fast guy could you drink guinness with that would that slow you up a bit um i'm of an age now. Why are you advocating that he swaps alcohol instead of just saying maybe just ease up on the booze entirely? You're trying to get him onto sort of less perilous drugs. Guinness is a nice, you know, a nice slow buzz. Yeah, but I would drink it fast. I don't want a slow buzz.

You'd still drink it too fast? Slow buzz? I don't want a slow buzz. If I want a slow buzz, I'll have a glass of red wine on a Sunday afternoon and then move on to pints. But I want... May I offer you a glass of red wine on a Sunday afternoon and then move on to pints. But I want... May I offer you a piece of advice? Yes, please.

I'm a big fan of you, Matt. Cheers. And your musings on Twitter. Yeah. But I couldn't help but notice virtually every day you make a reference to Alain Madras. There are a lot of curries in your Twitter feed. a lamb madras. There are a lot of curries in your Twitter feed. I think there's not four a day.

You and Rob Beckett's Twitter feeds are like culinary tours of the world. Culinary. Late night chicken curries. No, but I would say, Steve, the point being here, if you're trying to lose weight, you're going on about lager isn't the problem, it's the four lamb madras a day that might be the problem.

I've cut down my lamb madras intake significantly, but what I do on Twitter is talk about it in the hope that talking about it will help me deal with it. Yes. So not every time do I tweet about it do I consume one. But it's just a way of sort of sharing the problem. But it's the

best curry ever invented. You love a cuzza, don't you? But the problem is I have sides as well. Rice, garlic naan, onion bhaji, chicken tikka starter. Do you order them on your own or do you and your flatmate order them together? Either way. I often eat alone. Oh, that sounded awful.

Have you ever been on Saturday morning kitchen or whatever? Is it Saturday or Sunday? I can never remember. What would your nightmare meal be? You know, whether you can choose heaven or is it the food heaven or food hell? Oh, nightmare would be something... Sorry, Steve Port, I appreciate you trying to turn this into a smash hits questionnaire. We're on Absolute Radio and we have responsibilities.

Here's some music. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I just made a mistake with the faders. It was awful. It was so embarrassing. Daisy looked at me with barely concealed contempt. This is Absolute Radio, and you're listening to the Frank Skinner Show,

but Frank's not here. But I'm here with Steve and Matt. That's pretty much it. Oh, should we go to Email Corner? Let's go there. Okay, let me find Frank's jingles. Let's see what happens. Email corner!

Oh, René. You're a stupid woman. How dare you? What a mistake to make. That's what you're getting instead of email corner because I prefer it. So go ahead, Steve. We have had an email from Prisoner315. Lovely.

Dear team, but mostly Emily. Oh, lovely. I am 21 and I'm currently at university. I have a dilemma that I need some help with. Yes. My friend recently broke up with his girlfriend. No drama. It was clear they had just lost interest in each other.

Oh, it happens. The thing is, I fancied her for ages, way before my mate even went out with her. Filthy queen. I get the impression she might like me too. What do I do? And he's provided some multiple choice options here. Oh, lovely. A.

Maths and romance. Ask his permission to ask her out with the risk of him saying no. Okay. B, wait until we all finish uni about four weeks and then ask her but run the risk of her getting snapped up in the meantime. That never happens. Or C, just ask

her and hope my mate will be alright with it. Please help. Oh, well, prisoner. One of my friends once informed me, if there's no ring on the finger, the gloves are off. So I say go for it. Matt Ford?

The problem I have is that, obviously, it depends how good a friend he is to his friend, because you have to, in an emotional situation like this, think honestly how would each individual person feel. Very measured from Matt Ford this morning on Absolute Radio. What is the collateral damage how bad would your friend feel and you know how would you feel if that was done to you on the other hand this guy is randy as hell and he's ready to pop and i say get in there mate

you go mate because you know what you regret the things in life that you don't do more than the things that you do and i think you need to make a date with Destiny, and if she turns you down, ask her mate. Yeah, she's not in that band anymore. Do you know what? I think that's lovely advice, Matt Ford, if colossally irresponsible. Steve Hall. My advice is, he says they're all finishing uni in about four weeks' time,

so you should concentrate on your finals, young man. There are more important things in life. Also, you can't get angry if it's your leftovers. I appreciate that. Leftovers? No, I don't. I'm not speaking about the girl in this way, but I'm saying that, you know, the relationship itself is over, isn't it?

So, you've cleaned your plate. Don't be greedy. Well, it's tricky, because the fact that he's used the phrase, I fancied her way before my mate even went out with her. So it's like his eyes have bagsy'd her.'s there's something simmering underneath there there is a subtext to this email we have not been brought exactly i think him and his mate have got some unresolved issues i think they're going to end up going out go out with your mate yeah so there you have it prisoner 315 but we look forward to an invitation to... He's a prisoner of the closet.

Extraordinary things going on this morning on Absolute Radio. Please invite us to the civil partnership celebration. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Right, we're still in... That wasn't a very nice way to begin a link. Right. We're still in email corner. Shall I play the proper jingle?

Because I feel it's been a bit remiss that I haven't played the proper jingle. People might send in complaints or something. But I'm looking for it, Daisy, and all I can find is the Black Forest, and I don't want to go there right now. Ooh! It's pretty impressive that on a pre-record we can't find the jingle. I can't, to be fair. OK, Matt, please kick us off.

Well, not kick us off. This is our second half, isn't it? Yes. Continue. Good morning, Frank, Dean and the Cockerel. Well, at least two elements of that are incorrect. Yes. I hope you can help me with a recurring cause of tension in my house.

I have a small pile of what I call part-worn clothes on top of the dresser in our bedroom. Oh, yes. These are clothes I've only worn for a few hours after work or before getting changed to go out. Yes. My wife says that either they are clean, in which case they belong in a wardrobe, or they're dirty, in which case they belong in the laundry basket. I, however, argue they are neither. And as such have no place...

I want to be when Harry met Sally. And as such have no place with me in the newly laundered or soon-to-be laundered clothes. Perhaps Emily could advise me if I should continue this practice or if, in fact, my wife is correct, as she informs me is the norm. Long-time listener and faithful servant, Harry Ferducci. I wonder if that's his real name. I've only just, it's taken you

saying it out loud for me to understand the pun that he was doing with it. Now, I'm so pleased you wrote in, Harry, even though I feel fairly confident that's not your name. Mr Ferducci. Yes. You are so right. Part, is it part worn clothes?

Part worn clothes, yes. Part-worn clothes. They are totally their own entity. It's sort of, are they dead or alive? They're kind of a Schrodinger's cravat. I have an ecosystem in my room of part-worn clothes. And what I've done with them, they go in the white wicker basket. Everyone knows that. I've got a white wicker basket. Everyone knows that.

I've got a white wicker basket. Oh! There's a laundry basket. Oh, let's talk. Linen lined. Yes! Ew! Got a moth in it.

Yeah, yeah. I've got a lot of moths in my laundry basket. Steve, you can't just join in this conversation just because you've got moths in your house. We've got the same laundry basket. You can't just say, I've got moths too. Feel free. Carry the same laundry basket you can't just say i've got moths too free carry on your sordid little basket i happen to love our wicker baskets um so what they are it's no man's land it's it's a christmas day armistice that area is what i'm calling it

the wicker basket do you put partially worn clothes in your wicker basket no what do you put in your wicker basket things to be washed the back of the chair is for part worn clothes in your wicker basket? No. What do you put in your wicker basket? Things to be washed. The back of the chair is for part worn clothes. Oh, it's not an office chair, is it? It's an office chair. Oh, Matt Ford. It's effectively a triage system. You've got the clothes here. That's right.

But yes, they will go on the back of the chair. And how large will the ecosystem on the back of the chair. And how large will the ecosystem on the back of the chair get before you attack it? Five, six, maybe eight. Eight layers? Eight pieces? Jeans, for instance, will go on there, because you don't wash jeans immediately, do you?

Maybe a light jacket, a wind cheater. Couple of freds. I'm sorry, Alan Partridge appears to have walked into the studio. A wind cheater? Yeah, so it's a light, thin jacket that isn't waterproof, but appears to have walked into the studio. A wind cheater. Yeah, so it's a light, thin jacket that isn't waterproof, but looks like it is. So known as a wind cheater.

OK, would you put a shirt across there? Let's say you were doing a corporate, Matt Ford. Shirts are immediately in the laundry basket. I have such a high body temperature, I can't wear the same shirt twice. What about you, Steve Hall? Well, I'm similar to Fordy. It's if they pass the sniff test. You have the love of a good woman, though, so I suspect she's...

The sniff test is key. And it's more, have you worn them with deodorant or antiperspirant? If you've worn it with antiperspirant, it's probably got another day in it. Deodorant, it's straight in the basket. Definitely. This is the most disgusting conversation we ever had on Absolute Radio. Have I received them from Victoria Beckham year i don't know what to say i think i think i'm just going to talk to matt about our laundry basket which we've bonded over hey i've got moths absolute absolute radio

frank skinner on absolute radio this is absolute, I'm not doing all that. We need to talk about Jamie. Naughty Jamie Lang. I don't know if you're familiar with the work of Jamie Lang, Matt Ford and Steve Hall. I had never heard of him until this week. Well, he's a character in the Structured Reality show. Are you familiar with Made in Chelsea?

Yes, I am indeed. It's people who have cars instead of souls. That's pretty much it. They're lovely people. They just forgot to get souls. It happens. Car souls. Yes. And they call each other mate in that very awkward way posh people do.

Mate? Yeah, exactly. Oh, hi, mate. Oh, it's so random. I had some quality band. Look, mate. You're so punching, mate. That's how they talk to each other.

But he, I mean, he's heir to the MacPittys fortune. Did you know? Yeah, he's how they talk to each other. But he, I mean, he's heir to the McPittys fortune. Did you know? A crumbling empire. His great-great-grandfather invented the Jaffa cake. Apparently. If only his dad had been a Jaffa. This guy is a living campaign for increased inheritance tax. Yes. Well, what happened? He was on the phone, on a train.

What on earth was he doing on a train in the first place? I find quite shocking. I bet he said when it pulled out the station, I bet he went, oh my God, it's moving. What the hell's happening, mate? It's like when I got on a horse, I said that for the first time. I went, oh my God, it's moving. It's just called an epitabrous, so random.

No, he got, what happened? He was going to DJ in Huddersfield. That was a gig, wasn't it? DJ. Come on. Come on. These people don't really DJ, do they? What do they do?

It's not like Carl Cox at Pasha, is it? He's there with a mega mixtape. He could go for a league half-way through and no one would notice. He was gone. I forgot my Shine compilation. I'm in trouble. Yeah, it's just... It's a public appearance dressed up as a DJ set.

We're not fools, mate. If you talk on the quiet coach, you deserve to get tasered on the way to do a DJ gig. Well, this was some... It wasn't Nebworth, let's be fair, which we were talking about earlier. But, you know,

everyone's got to pay the mortgage. Oh, no, they don't in this case. But he was turfed off the train, wasn't he? Was it this at Peterborough? Because he was talking so loudly on his phone and he refused to cease and desist cease and desist and then refused to give his personal details as well yes

which are fairly easy to find I imagine but it's pretty mean making it up at Peterborough no absolutely not it's not mean enough it's quite I'm pleased that he got his comeuppance. Because every interview he's given, there's no humility there. He says he wants to be the Willy Wonka or Hugh Hefner of Chelsea.

It's kind of a combo, because people look at him and go, Hugh Wonka. But do you think... I mean, how do you respond to people talking on phones? Are you a talker? Are we saying in the quiet carriage or in general? I think in anywhere. I think a loud talker in public, because, you know, sometimes it might be bad reception, so you've got to try and give them the benefit of the doubt.

If it's on a quiet carriage, they deserve every punishment known to humanity. Wow. Yeah, I'm really quite against it. And I do intervene. I say, excuse me. Do you? It's called the quiet carriage. Do you? I can so imagine you doing that, Matt Ford. I'm a'm really quite against it. And I do intervene. I say, excuse me. Do you? It's called the quiet coach.

Do you? I can so imagine you doing that, Matt Vaughan. I'm a real stickler for it. You're very citizen's arrest, if you ever want me to say. Oh, very much so. Yes. How do you say it? I say, excuse me, you've got headphones for that, mate.

It's a quiet coach. And do you use mate? Yeah, I'll try and be as friendly as possible, but firm with these people. Yes. But a mate of mine got into, it was really funny, he was on the quiet coach, and these people were making noise at the other end, he was on the quiet coach and these people were making noise at the other end

and the ticket inspector came down and he said, excuse me mate, I don't want to cause a fuss but the people at the other end of the carriage, it's the quiet coach, would you mind asking them

to be quiet? He said, oh not at all. So he sits down and the guy goes to the other end of the carriage and he goes, excuse me lads, that guy down there

is just complaining about you lads. Do you know I love that man. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Jamie Lang, quiet carriage menace. I so hope he gets business cards with that printed on it. After his arrest, he tweeted and said,

yesterday was up there with one of the worst experiences I've had. Really? You can only appreciate the good. What about when they physically removed his soul at birth? That was traumatic. Well, he said, you can only appreciate the good when you've experienced the bad. Now, someone like Stuart Pearce has the right to tweet something like that. He has been through hardship.

Katie Holmes has earned the right to tweet that sort of thing. But being incredibly rude on a train and then being understandably ejected for refusing to stop, that's not some great... There's no wisdom from this kid. I love an understandable ejection. It would all be solved if we renamed quiet carriages silent carriages. Yeah.

I think that would... Because quiet, there's too much leeway. But you see, I sympathise and agree with all you say and respect your right to say it. However, I am aware that whenever I get on public transport, it does happen sometimes, people get up and move away from me. It happens to me so regularly on trains

because I'm a loud talker. If I'm with friends, they get up and move away and they go, oh! And often I'm on the phone talking loudly about famous people. I think that's the... It's the envy. I can't...

I couldn't... The thought of you chatting to Gary Lineker would... I'd be too envious. What, Gar? Do you mean the nursery? Yeah. And he forgot to buy me a birthday cake. Yes, I know. I know. That's what I think might inspire... What are you saying, Matt? I can buy me a birthday cake. Yes, I know, I know.

That's what I think might inspire... What are you saying, Matt? I can't believe you do that. I do what? I'm really quite upset that you're one of those people. But do you do it on quiet carriages? That's the key. No, I don't do it on quiet carriages.

I do it in my... You wouldn't be seen dead on a train, I imagine. You'd be chauffeured... Another great Samuel L. Jackson movie. No, I've got on the train. Nice. The driver's got to have a holiday occasionally.

But yeah, I feel a little bit sorry for him, I have to be honest, because I think he was made an example of, don't you? Good. Yes, and he deserves to be. If you are guilty, you don't carp about the punishment means that to other people. You take it on the chin, like the shallow man you are. OK, more from George Galloway in a minute.

What's that? Sorry, Steve Hall? Someone complains in The Quiet Carriage, the British thing to do is go, oh, I'm terribly sorry. And that's that. Whereas to refuse, to stand your ground in this horrific way. Let's find him. Let's go down to Chelsea. He's probably still at Peterborough Station.

I'm off to get some flaming torches. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Good morning, you're listening to Absolute Radio. I'm Emily Dean. I'm standing in for the fragrant Frank Skinner this morning. He's gone off to spend more time with his family, which I can't say because it makes it sound like he's lefty

or he's a disgraced MP, but he's not. He's just taking a couple of weeks off. We are not live this morning, unfortunately. Fortunately for us. But it means you can't text us, but you can follow us on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. And I'm joined by Matt Ford, and I'm joined by Steve Hall. Hello, boys.

Good morning. Hi, hi, hi. Oh, I like that. Sounded quite needy.y oh you know what i haven't talked to you about what about the puppet show oh oh the puppet show what puppet show well you know i went to the baftas yes i also went to no way to refer to anthony deck i also went to a puppet show. I'm not generally a fan of puppet shows, mainly because I own property, but I decided to take my three-year-old niece Bertie. She loved the puppet show. It wasn't a very good one, though.

I'll tell you what worried me. It was in Highgate Village, a lovely part of North London. I was a bit alarmed by the scenery it was essentially a cardboard box okay so and it was painted brown and if there's one thing i hate it's painted cardboard okay do you know that it sort of congeals and it just reminds me of primary school and i always felt far too mature specific hate for if there's one thing i hate but no but it reminds me of being at primary school and thinking I should be wearing heels and having a drink. I always felt that.

Honestly, I felt I just don't belong here. I'm too mature for these people. I think a lot of homeless people feel the same way about cardboard. The puppeteer, she was a sort of Miriam Margolis type. Do you know what I mean by that? Absolutely not. Was it Miriam Margolis? No.

She was a formidable middle-aged woman. Anne Robinson? No. More curly hair. Nursy from Blackadder? Okay, now you're just reaching. I'll tell you what. She had a waistcoat on with multicoloured jelly babies on it.

Slight clown trousers. Kooky. She was kooky. She was a self-styled, sort of colourful character. But she's really kooky, not fake kooky. No, she's really kooky. She's not walking around wearing a T-shirt that says geek. She's kooky. She was a self-styled, sort of colourful character. But she's really kooky, not fake kooky. No, she's really kooky. She's not walking around wearing a T-shirt that says geek. She's full on lost it.

Midway through HRT. She's gone full quackers. She's out there. She wasn't even in charge. She started off by saying, OK, children. She's a bit common. Don't come and touch the puppets during the show strange emphasis as well during the show because they don't like it they get sad if you try and touch them okay shades of joe beasley and Cheeky Monkey. Don't touch it.

Of course, when you say that to a child, all they hear is Yellow Line. So Bertie goes running across the Yellow Line. She didn't like it. So then the play itself began. I will give you the dramatist person eye. There's a hedgehog that's frankly seen better days. Matted hair. Paints chipping off.

A chipmunk. He wasn't in a great condition. And then she starts singing the hokey-cokey. Now, to me, the lyrics of the hokey-cokey are quite straightforward. She sings, Oh, the hokey-cokey, hokey-cokey. That's not right for a star. Oh, the hokey-cokey, hokey, cokey.

Are you sure this was an actual attraction and you haven't just stumbled upon the bag lady and round the corner is the actual show? You've just been laughing at someone with slight mental issues. That wound me up so much. It's not P-A-J-Z. It's very straightforward, the hokey, cokey. It's, oh, do the hokey, cokey. Is that right?

That is one of the things... Oh, the hokey, cokey, cokey. No, that's wrong. One of the things they say about the hokey kokey it's all do the hokey kokey is that right that is one of the hokey kokey kokey it's one of the things they say about the hokey kokey is it's not pa can we just how would you you leave it steve how would you sing the hokey kokey oh the hokey kokey sorry why have you sung it like some strange Tony Hadley ballad? Oh, the hokey, the cokey You put your left leg in, your left leg out, yeah This is turning into a really disgusting song now and I don't wish to hear any more of it. No, but would you not sing?

Anyway, we won't continue to analyse the hokey-cokey, but can we establish she did get it wrong? Yes. Yes. But I think did get it wrong? Yes. Yes. But I think you've got it wrong as well. I don't think I have. I think you're part of the problem. That's what it's all about.

I'm going off to vomit now. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. OK, so we're at the puppet show in North London. There's a woman in a brightly coloured waistcoat singing, oh, the hokey-cokey, hokey-cokey,

which Matt Ford seems to think is the correct way to sing it. No, no, no, no, she's got it wrong. OK. She's saying, oh, the hokey-cokey, hokey-cokey. That's wrong. It's, oh, the hokey-cokey-cokey. Yeah, that's what I think it is. And Daisy and I would sing, Daisy, oh, the hokey-cokey, do the hokey-cokey.

Do the hokey-cokey. What's wrong with that? Well, you don't need to be instructed. The rules are laid out in the song. Am I right, you did the hokey-cokey a lot in the 90s? I asked for it. No, I'm just saying I did used to ask for it, yeah. Anyway, I lost confidence in her immediately if she couldn't even get the hokey-cokey right.

Authority was in question. Yeah, it was. So then things took a turn for the rather strange. So this hedgehog character, he seemed a bit questionable with the chip paint face. He suddenly produces a green bottle. And all these three roles are sitting around. And the hedgehog says i wrote the dialogue down i have it here he says i love this drink it's called martel cognac

i'm not joking that's what he said he went glug glug glug glug i think it's like an apple juice oh my god i God. I couldn't. It was like nil by mouth or something. What on earth is going on? It's one of the most terrifying and yet most high-gate things I've heard in some time. The hedgehog, he continues to drink it. Then he has a bad reaction. He says to the chipmunk with the matted hair, Oh, Sophie, this isn't a children's drink.

It hurts your throat. Sophie, the disturbing chipmunk. She then says, I want some, but I don't want to be sick. I'm sick of clearing up your sick. That was really Gary Oldman, wasn't it? It was turning into this. All the children were going,

It was dark. I mean, it was really dark. If Beatrix Potter had written Trainspotting. Yeah. Some auntie bear walked in. There were too many characters. It was just too complicated. It was all going George R.R. Martin.

The bear walked in. She got a right cob on. She said, and this was the moral of the story. She said, never drink your mummy and daddy's best brandy. Specifically the brandy. Based on personal experience. Yeah, of course. But and daddy's best brandy. Just specifically the brandy. Based on personal experience. Yeah, of course. But don't worry about the vodka or the champagne.

Stay away from the brandy. See, sometimes you get comedians who will take their day's experience on stage with them. So sometimes they'll go, look, I've been dumped. They really have been dumped that day. And they try and work it into material on stage. And it goes, I've never known a children's puppeteer take a household issues to the stage before. Waking up in the morning, where's all that Martel gone? Right, those kids are going to get it. Have you got a right news story? You're in my next play, you are, Sancho.

Why has she turned into Ray Winston, the puppeteer? Also, do you think she was sponsored by Martel? See, I thought there might be product placement going on. It's a bit dodgy. They've moved on. Didn't they used to do the Grand National? So they've moved on. Have either of you ever worked with puppets? No.

No. Have you? I did once. How was it? It was really good. No, but I used to know Jim Henson. That's a pretty good... Okay, okay.

I was talking about that only the other day in the quiet carriage. And you are a Muppet for doing it. I played a character on CBBC a few times in the broom cupboard. What? So I got to interact with Outshow the Cactus. And I think Outshow the Cactus is absolutely fantastic. One of the greatest puppets in the history of children's telly. Can I ask what your character was?

Were you wearing that shirt and was it Steve the Serial Killer? I was a BBC standards officer and the name I was given... May I just say you haven't been doing a very good job? Yeah. The name of the character was... I was called Rusty Bee Sticky Pants. This is completely true. I was given that name by children's BBC and I was analysing the standards at the BBC,

then unfortunately real life intervened and they had to drop that character fairly quickly. I was going to say, how were the standards for you? Just right. This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. OK. Oh, it's cold in this studio. It's like Shackleton. Freezing.

Steve. Hello. I need to talk to you about your move. Haven't you moved house recently? I have, just this weekend. Because we are now less than three weeks away from our small child hitting the shops. So we needed to move. We were renting a one- renting a one bed oh i'd like to get one of

those but i forgot we know so we just wanted an extra room to rent for the uh for the small arrival an extra room to rent what like a sort of stable or something yeah we're a bit like we consider ourselves very much a mary and joseph yes so we move flat and and i we haven't moved we've been in the place we've been in for four years. Well, you've built up quite a few Matt Ford part-worn clothes on the old chair. Yeah, it was just brutal. Moving houses always, you know, they say it's one of the most stressful things anyone can do. And this is our first proper big move, where we have more stuff than we need.

And it's just brutal. There are so many aspects of the movie. We were moving 400 yards down the road and I cried more in a weekend than I've cried in the previous three years. Thank God there were these two huge Bulgarian removals men who saved the day. Do you want to give them my number?

They were very... I will happily do that. They're good-looking fellas. One of them was a policeman in Bulgaria for eight years eight years he was telling me before he uh got struck off not incarcerated i love removals man which when they're just and they're they're patronizing me by giving me stuff to carry and it's like i can barely carry one box and they're carrying three boxes just effortlessly but looking at me like never fear puny human we've got this sorted oh they're the horny handed sons of toil i know what they're

doing but my wife decided before we moved that um the thing that was most important to do in order to get our deposit back was that i had to do the weeding in our back garden that rather than tidying the house or cleaning things and making sure there was no broken glass or anything like that. So as the sun went down on Saturday night, the hottest day of the year, I had to do the weeding. And it's the only time I lost my temper. If only.

Yeah, let's say shirtless, just because you hate this shirt so much that the thought of my naked torso would be less appalling to you. And it was the only argument we had for the whole move was that she was going, you've got to finish the weeding. And I said, they don't care about the garden. We're not entering it into the Chelsea flower show. And how does she respond? We had a half an hour away from each other.

And I apologise. That's a sensible, mature response. But it's the weirdest thing, trying to fit everything into your flat when you've got more stuff than you need. So it's like a game of Tetris that reminds you how disgustingly middle class you've become. And the long piece, sometimes that comes along, though.

Yeah, it was just so many things, so many DVDs. The long piece in Tetris. Oh, I thought that was some sort of posh piece of furniture. Oh, the long piece, like even in the second one. I don't mean to brag, we had a lot of problems getting my long piece. Even the Bulgarian removal men couldn't deal with that. I love the idea of a long piece being a posh piece

of furniture. I'm going to fool people and see if they pretend they know what that is. Haven't you got a long piece? Could you just shove this over the long piece, please? I'm going to incorporate that into my everyday speech all the time. Did you find, because I always find when i move i say like i do it a lot i don't do it that often but relationships break up um we've all been there you're the littlest hobo of nw3 actually i have

a very lovely property how dare you um but i find it very disappointing because everything's wrapped up and then it's mugs. It's just a series of mugs that you have to unwrap. It's like the worst Christmas ever. Yeah, it's a really depressing game of pass the parcel. It's awful, isn't it? Where you're rediscovering your own stuff. Don't you hate that bit when you feel excited because it's all wrapped up and it looks all exciting?

You don't wrap it up like with sellotape and posh wrapping paper, do you? It's just in newspaper. Oh, I insist that they do, yeah. No, I insist on liberties. Flockprint wallpaper wrapping. The thing that made me angry is my wife made me carry this huge heavy bucket of freezer stuff

and the heaviest thing in the freezer was a bunch of carrot soup that she'd made and she only wanted to thaw it out to throw away. So I'd keep the tupperware. Yeah. It was frustrating. I'm sure if she was here,

she would be moaning about the many things I got wrong. I'm sorry, darling. I love you. Well, don't turn this into your own personal agony column, please. It's not appropriate. I do think when they leave the stuff, though, this is what I hate about removals, men. Don't you hate it?

That they basically leave everything and then they just go. Yeah. It's like they've gone to the bathroom on the carpet and then just left you to clear up the mess. But that's their job. That's exact, that's the perfect analogy. That's what they do, Matt Ford. It'd be like if they placed your bathroom stuff on the toilet.

No, because if you want them to then unpack it, that's more money. They're removal men, they're not unpacking men. They're not unpacking men, are they? Well, I'm just saying there's ways of paying. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. We're talking about moving house this morning on Absolute Radio. Steve Paul, we've established that you do the weeding and stand outside in the garden with your top off. A bit like a really low rent Diet Coke ad. Diet Panda Pops. I get men to help. Yeah. Matt Ford, what's your moving style? My moving style will change from now on. Oh, why? Because

the last time I moved, I was hungover and that was a bad start. I was moving house and I'd hired a guy off the internet to come and... I'd packed it all. I'd packed it all. What, was this you in a relationship with him or...? No, no, no. I was moving back to Surbiton, right? And I was moving from Tottenham to Surbiton, which is from North London to quite South London, right? Paid by the hour.

I'd packed everything up and then I just needed... Where did you find him? Tinder? No! Grindr. I got him off the internet, right? Now, the problem was, I was badly hungover. I'd got myself a two-litre bottle of water and some mints to sort of keep my mouth fresh.

Yeah, because that always really disguises it well. Well, I didn't care what he thought. I just was for my own... to stop myself from puking, right? We get in this van, he puts the windows up, it's a really hot day. Hang on, so the guy you've met off the internet, you get in a van with him. Yeah, it's a really hot day, and he puts the windows up, it's a really hot day. So hang on, so the guy you've met off the internet, you get in a van with him. Yeah, it's a really hot day and he puts the windows up and starts making roll-ups, right? So in this van that's bouncing around, going over speed bumps all over the place. I just wind the window down and I was like, oh, and holding on to the bottle, just trying to think.

One of my things when I'm trying desperately not to puke is I think of quite calming water scenes. So the waterfall from the start of Emmerdale. Oh, that's a good tip. Or maybe a serene pond. Any drunks out there, you might want to bear that in mind. Yeah, and it works. It's a calming influence on me and I find it works. I'm in the passenger seat, I'm clutching this water.

He sparks up. I was like, oh, mate. He then does the windows up and puts the heating on full blast. mate. He then does the windows up and puts the heating on full blast. An hour and a half in this cabin with this guy and at one point, wind the window down and said, I'm just going to have the window open.

And he went, window closed. Is that what he said? Oh God, no! Sorry, can I establish? Firstly, was this Yaiyat's agent, Dimitri? Secondly, when he said? Firstly, was this... Yeah, that was Adrian, Dimitri. Secondly, when he said window closed, was he saying it is currently closed,

or did he mean it's stuck? He meant, listen, mate, close that window. Oh, really? That's what he meant by that. So I got unpacked all my stuff, and then I moved in with four people I had never really met before. So these are my new housemates. I said, who wants to go for a Sunday roast,

I had a Sunday roast and immediately had to leave the table because the effects of that cabin had... And I'd stopped thinking about waterfalls as well. So I went... Were things perilous down below? Oh, upstairs. Oh, OK. Top floor window.

Window wound down. You know what you needed? Long peace. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. So, we need to talk about filthy creeps on Absolute Radio this morning. What are you trying to say? We need to talk about filthy creeps. It turns out we're a nation of them.

Did you read the story? There's a survey, I love a survey I love a survey that boffins put together and it said I mean it had some extraordinary information in there it said oh I swallowed a bit loudly then, I didn't like that one in ten people it was about our habits around the house

no I'm talking about filthy creeps I know, I know, I know One in ten people. It was about our habits around the house. No, that's not what I meant. I'm talking about filthy queens. I know, I know, I know. I'm just trying to control myself. It's very difficult. Two comedians. You said a thing.

We're on air at a certain time of day where there is no response that we can give to what you just said that would be acceptable by Ofcom. It might be acceptable on Foo Bar, but not on Absolutely. The producer's got a lovely smile on her beautiful face. Let's keep it that way. Called you beautiful. It was quite nice, wasn't it?

So one in ten people admit to reusing their lunch plate for their dinner. Just so... Are you from the north, Matt? The Midlands. Just FYI. Oh, same thing. All counts the same. Just so you're aware, dinner is an evening meal.

No, it's not. That's why they're called dinner ladies. No, same thing. All counts the same. Just so you're aware, dinner is an evening meal. No, it's not. That's why they're called dinner ladies. No, they're not. They're called staff. So people use their lunch plate for dinner, these people. They reuse it. That's easy for you because you just have lamb madras 24-7, don't you? That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard, though.

Have you guys, either of you ever done that? Yeah. Yeah. What? Of course. Of course. It's efficiency. Yeah. What? It's good for the environment. There's no of course about it. I've never done that in all of my years. I mean not if you've had if what you've had. Thanks for saying that.

If what you've had your lunch and if you've had a messy lunch then you'd give it a wash. Matt Ford always has a messy lunch. I don't, I'll tell you now. Well, I'm eating a lot of salads at the moment. Oh, it's a very 70s approach to dieting, I love that. Oh, I thought I had a salad.

Lovely, I'll be losing the weight with this salad. Just pass that mayo over. Oh, you've relocated Matt to Yorkshire from the East Midlands there. I have, it's quite a bulky salad actually, it leaves me exhausted. I have tomatoes, rocket, spinach, carrot. The exhausting salad. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. When we've been in writers' rooms, some of the salads you've eaten in writers' rooms are works of art. Yeah, huge, huge things.

I have tomatoes, rocket, spinach, spring onions, grated cheese, grated carrot, shredded beetroot. And then you go and spoil it all by doing something stupid, like eating carbs. And then I go and spoil it. Do you not know that remix? It's my favourite. By saying something stupid like five lambadras. So, that disgusted me, that plate thing.

I don't want to speak of it. Let's not speak of it again. There was another thing they did. 70% of people are happy eating food off the floor. That's just drunks, isn't it? Are we giving that a number of seconds rule? You know, five second rule? Oh, yeah, the old five minute rule, yeah.

I've never done that. Maybe a stray... Half a day rule, if you know. A stray bacon rasher once or twice, maybe, if I was drunk. A pea. I often have to pick peas off the floor. Why would you do that? How desperate are you for the calories?

I cook peas. I really like peas. And if I drop one, I quickly scoop it up. But this is the thing with stats, right? Yeah. So one in ten people reuse their lunch plate. That means 90% of Britons don't. Oh, yeah.

The vast majority of this country behaves itself, and I think that's something we can all be proud of. Oh, I love it when Matt goes a bit politician. I find it quite alluring. Do you? Yeah. No, not really. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about filthy creeps on Absolute Radio this morning. Specifically, the house habits, shall we say. I saw in the survey it says that... Of the British population. Three-fifths of the population don't change their bed linen every week. What about you two? I'd say fortnightly.

But I often don't sleep in my bed. Okay, never going to happen between me and you. But I'm not often there. Okay. Again, never going to happen between me and you. But it's clean. Now you're begging. Just give me a...

I don't care. I don't need you. Well, now that I'm a married man, once a week, the sheets are magically changed by some angel. Oh, lovely. But when I was a single man... I bet they were rank. I don't mean to be rude, but they. Oh, lovely. But when I was a single man... I bet they were rank. Yeah, well, the sheets... I don't mean to be rude, but they were rank, guy.

The sheets would get changed if there was a possibility that someone might be sharing them with me. Oh! And as a result, they were changed about once a year. Do you know what I've noticed with men? Back in the day... Yeah. I don't behave like this anymore.

But back in the day, when you'd get back and the men would disappear and then you'd hear them rustling around, they were always changing the sheets. Yeah, I've done that before. Have you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We know what you're doing. The fitted sheet was invented for men.

Yeah. And then they spray a little Febreze on it. We know all the tricks. Change the sheets, bit of Febreze, clean it in the sink. I've got an airway. Well, just for the... Extraordinary boast. No, but for the aroma of the room.

Oh, yes, okay. It's a three-volution cotton fresh. It's brilliant. It's really good. It's my favourite Airwick scent. I went with Jostix for a while, various different oils, re-diffusers,

waste of money, potpourri. Where do you stand on Glade? Plug-in freshness. Yeah, that's what I'm using. Oh, I'm sorry. I use a three-volution cotton fresh. I? Plug-in freshness. Yeah, that's what I'm using. Oh, I'm sorry. Cotton fresh. I like plug-in freshness.

I'm not a fan of potpourri because it gathers dust. You can actually clean a bowl full of chippings. How do you find the room diffusers? Not a fan? Reed diffusers are useless. One of the worst innovations in room aromatherapy. Dreadful. Although I bought mine from the 99p shop.

That's pretty strong talk. Well, the reeds eroded in the one that I had. That sounds like my bedroom's some sort of gas chamber. What it was, was that I bought them from the 99p shop. You didn't. I bought them from the 99p shop. Was that because a girl was coming back? No, it's like nice smells.

Something to detract from the smell of the lamb curry. Exactly, yeah, yeah. Well, the problem I have is that my bedroom window is French windows, French doors. Oh, that's rather nice, Matt. It opens out into the garden. Oh, you're back in the game. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I've got a piano in there.

Open it into the garden. So I open it into the garden. Oh, the piano. But it means that I can't just have a window ajar when I go out because I'm leaving a flipping door open. Oh, yeah. So during the day on a hot day... Don't you fear burglars? Well, that's why I don't leave it open. Oh, okay. That's why I do fear burglars. Yes, I'm leaving the flipping door open. Oh, yeah. So during the day on a hot day... Don't you fear burglars? Well, that's why I don't leave it open.

Oh, OK. That's why I do fear burglars. Yes, I'm a realist. I've been burgled before. I've been the victim of attempted burglaries. I'm very clear-sighted on this issue. I'm sorry you were the victim of crime. Well, it happens to most people.

That's the problem. If they hear you playing the piano, they know you've got a piano in there. Oh, damn it. Yeah, that's true. And you play the piano very well. Oh, cheers, mate. Does he? He does. He does a very good walk of life. He may play in there. Oh, damn it. Yeah, that's true. And he played the piano very well. Oh, cheers, mate. Does he?

He does. He does a very good walk of life. He may play the piano well, but he changes his sheets fortnightly. And that's a deal breaker for these women. How often would they have to change the sheets? Well, I change mine weekly. I say I change mine. Oh, here we go.

The staff. No, not the staff. Dora, my Bulgarianian and she does a lovely job um i'm afraid we're gonna have to wrap up now boys it's been so nice having you on the show thank you matt ford been a pleasure thank you thank you enjoy your madras later on um lovely to have you too steve be seeing you the frank skinner show on absolute radio back saturday morning from eight tune in live for the full frank experience Lovely to have you too, Steve Hall. Toodle-pip. Be seeing you.