The Frank Skinner Show - Holidays

Episode Date: August 18, 2012

This week Alun Cochrane fills in for Frank Skinner. He is joined by Emily Dean and Steve Hall. They discuss Holidays, bad smells and the Olympic closing ceremony.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. Who the hell are they? Where's Frank Skinner? He's off! Absolute Radio. Morning. You're off. Absolute Radio.

Morning. You're listening to Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner is away. That's the phrase that they use, isn't it? Frank Skinner's away. We thought it was going to be for two weeks, but it turns out it's two years. He's found a member of Pussy Riot, the Russian dissident band.

Who knew? Surprise. Instead, it's me, Alan Cochran, and we have the divine Miss Emily Dean here. Oh, Alan! And Steve Hall, who is a new friend of the show. I don't get that divine. You don't, although I'm sure you will be in the next three hours. We'll see if you can escalate to the position of divine, Steve.

I don't think it suits you, I'll be honest. No, you've got divine potential, definitely. Oh, really? Yeah. But, you see, have you two got previous? Yes. Oh, I thought you did. We know each other far too well. We've known each other a long time.

Am I meant to do this at the start instead? Sorry, I want to just do my house duties in my first little bit. at the start instead. Sorry, I want to just do my house duties in my first little bit. You can text us on 8-12-15 and follow us on Twitter using at Frank on Absolute. I love the way you did that.

You sounded a bit worth as original grandad. Yeah. I'll be honest, I'm filling in for Frank Skinner. They're big shoes to fill, but I've got big feet, so I'm not too worried. But I said to my mum yesterday I'm doing the show I'm filling in for Frank tomorrow

What did she say? She said tell them that I'm driving to Glasgow That was Thanks for that mum. Tell them that I'm driving to Glasgow and I'm setting off early So what I'm meant to do for the next three hours, I'm not really sure. But thanks, Mum.

Cheers. So, yeah. Steve and I have known each other a long time, haven't we? We have indeed. I was trying to count up how many times we've shared a flat in Edinburgh. Yeah. And it's only four. Right. But it feels like so many more. Yeah. That would be for a whole month, though, so I suppose

it's quite intense. You've actually lived together, then. It's all gone a bit David Furnish. We've lived together. My partner, Steve. Just as we all laughed then, there's a screen in front of me that just flashes the words, too loud, which normally I don't see, because usually Frank just gets it.

Now I realise how much he's... That flashes throughout me in life, and goes around carrying that sign. Really, what are people's fashion items? Yeah, things you love. Excellent. But no, I did. I've got to fess up now, Al,

because I did Google you, Steve, I'm afraid. Not in a creepy stalker about to go on a date way. You're quite right to do that. There is no reason to have heard of me, so it would make the entire sense. No, just when you're about to work with someone I think it's a good thing to do I think it's a very common thing to do How dare you

In media circles, when you're about to work with someone You do a little Google check And perhaps an IMDB check It's quite nice that someone is Googling me Other than myself as well And it's good to know Can I just say you're very Google-able? A lot of information comes up.

Yeah, I'm quite pleased with that. Normally, because there's a few other Steve Halls out there who normally come up first in the search, so I'm delighted that you could track me down. So there was a Steve Hall came seventh in last year's Britain's Got Talent. He's done some deep Googling, haven't you? What did he do?

He was a 63 year old man who um he did lots of dances to classic old tracks so he did like the twist and the macarena and he kind of comes on and everyone thinks he's going to be terrible and then they absolutely loved him he's got moves he's got proper moves but the way i became aware of him was i typed my own name in on twitter and there were loads of people writing things like Steve Hall is hilarious, Steve Hall is brilliant. There was a good 15 seconds where I thought, finally my ship has come in. I thought the gig was all right, but I didn't know it went that well. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. So tell them that I'm driving to Glasgow. I like that that's your new comedy catchphrase. It's not great, is it? Although I did try, I think when I first joined this show, I tried to launch a comedy catchphrase that was based on my mum because there's a certain point in conversation on the phone to her where she's obviously just fed up of talking to us,

usually when she's told all her stories about her friends from work. And then you'll just hear her go, so that's that. And that basically means, right, I need to go to the toilet now. This phone call is over. So that's that. I did, when I first joined, I tried to launch so that's that as my catchphrase. I don't know if you remember that. No, it hasn't taken off.

It hasn't, no. Al, can I just say something? Yes. I'm very impressed. Well, for two reasons, actually, this morning, Steve. Because, firstly, you are looking quite smoking hot. Now, things are very platonic in this room, but all I will say is the beard is working.

Thank you. Daisy, the producer, emailed me during the week, and when I said that I was on holiday, she said, have you grown a holiday beard? And I said, yes, how do you know these things? I thought she was a bit Derren Brown. And she said, every man I know grows a holiday beard and I said yes how do you know these things I thought she was a bit Derren Brown and she said every man I know grows a holiday beard and they all look terrible yes you see Alan I called you mid-holiday and can I can I say what happened I called you mid-holiday

and this is what he did Steve he answered when you went look I'm holding a child and I'm in a storm I thought sounded quite depressing. But over to you. Oh, can I just say, the staycation, there's a deep-rooted problem, and that is the British weather. It was so rainy. I've been in the Cotswolds in a cottage, and it has just poured down.

I love that your demeanour is so dour that even a delightful word like cottage can sound like I've been in prison. And here was me thinking you were just laughing at the word cottage. I've found it, yeah, it's really, it ruined a lot of days out, the rain. The best day of weather was the day when we were stuck in traffic on the way to the cottage. That was the highlight of the holiday, the day he was stuck in traffic. That was the best weather day. Then the second day was nearly as good as that, and we had a barbecue and some friends came, and that was great.

But then so many times we just sat in that cottage going, well, let's flick through the brochure of what's local and see what we can do in the rain. Tons of it. There was one day where my in-laws had visited, and we drove to Tewkesbury, parked up in the car park during a torrential downpour. None of us got out of the cars to buy the parking ticket.

Eventually, the rain ceased for a tiny split second and my wife and my mother-in-law, it's a funny phrase, isn't it, my mother-in-law? You can't help but feel a bit Bernard Manning when you're saying it. And they ran out to get the parking tickets, ran back into the car. We all sat in another downpour and then drove somewhere else because it was so rainy. We thought, all right, we'll drive to this antique centre 20 miles away. Drove to the antique centre and the road was cordoned off

and we couldn't get to it, so we drove back to the car park in Tewkesbury. Can I be honest? I would have been quite relieved I couldn't get to the antique centre. I don't mind antiquing. I don't like to get to the antique centre. I don't mind antiquing. I don't like to come all middle class but I don't mind antiquing. It's a nice day out. A lot of rain. And the cottage that we hired. Can I just say the cottage

that we hired. I like a shower. I'm fine with a shower. Like a shower with a screen or a curtain. I'm fine with that. People that convert bathrooms into wet rooms. You know where there's no sort of... Do you know what I'm talking about? Well, yeah, but I'm suspicious. You're calling it a wet room. Yeah.

I just think it might have been an outside toilet. No, no. It was a shower. It does all sound a bit Wuthering Heights up there. It was a shower with no screen, right? That's just a shower with no screen. That's not a wet room. Well, they thought it was a feature, I think. I think they thought... I mean, I've lived in student houses that had a wet room, but that was a damp problem. I just called it the wet room. But it wasn't a feature.

But this one, you put your clean clothes on the toilet, which is only three feet away from the shower, and you think, well, they're going to get drenched, aren't they? And then I found a scrim, you know, like a window cleaning scrim oh i've got one of those it was in the cupboard in the bathroom because when you've finished your shower in the wet room you have to scrim all the surface water that has gathered on the floor into the plug hole and there's bits of like black furry sock you, when you take your black sports socks off. Who do you go on holiday with? Monsters, Inc.? Do you not wear Donny black sports socks? I think I've misjudged this. This is as if Eeyore was doing a review on TripAdvisor.

Yes, I'm aware of that. But the scrim, like, pulling all the water into the... And then the following day, a bird had fouled all over the car window. Foul. And my first thought was, well well at least i know where a scrim is and then i thought what if the previous tenants had exactly this experience and we've been using it anyway we'll come back to this alan cochran and emily dean sitting in for frank skinner. On Absolute Radio. The thing is, if you're going to have a wet room with a tiled floor, why wouldn't you just have it with big tiles so that when you're doing your scrim of pulling the surface water towards the plug, it's easier?

This was mosaic tiles, tiny little things, full of Donny sports sock fluff. Whereas the toilet in the upstairs had massive big tiles but I don't think got any surface water. Except when our father-in-law arrived obviously there was probably a bit of offspring.

Can I just say I think it's very good for me to keep it real in my rarefied fashion life and occasionally discuss scrimming. Scrimming of Donny sock fluff. Yeah. Something I've never come across. I'm down to it. You've never had that?

This is something that happens between nine and six during the day when I'm not there and I get back and it looks nice. Oh, what? The cleaner comes and deals with the surface. Have you got a wet room? You haven't. Well, I have. It's sort of...

Well, you'll have to come round and see. OK. That sounded like an invitation. Obviously, it's not. It did, yes. Well, now that you to come round and see. OK. That sounded like an invitation. Obviously, it's not. It did, yes. Well, now that you've got skills in scrimming... Yeah, exactly. No, but I use the scrimmer for my shower area

because it's a very extended shower area. That's nice. It is nice. I don't mind an extended shower. It's just the absence of walls in there that annoys me. You see your own towel getting wet and everything. It's annoying. Anyway.

I can ask, did you row at all? Yes. You and Mrs Cockcrawl. Yes. We had a minor fracas when we went to a supermarket. Oh, that's another thing. Not a single shopping memento from the holiday. You know, you go places.

This is the problem with the Cotswolds. We were staying in a village. I don't get villages either. I don't get them. Eeyore was very disappointed. Two out of five. There was one shop in the village and it was mostly shop. So there was no retail therapy.

I bought a toothbrush. That's the only thing I've brought away from the holiday. We were in a supermarket and my wife and I had a tete-a-tete, I believe it's called. What was the argument about? Well, we're trying to do a food shop because it's self-catering in this cottage and I was suggesting food to get and she was going, oh, I don't really want to take stuff back.

I was going, well, let's buy a bag of rice and I'll make a curry tonight. She's going, let's just get some of the small, boil-in-the-bag rice things. Let's buy a bag of rice? It's not a pretty woman shopping spree, is it? It was not lavish. We'd got other stuff in there. There was some, you know, taste the difference or whatever. I don't like to brag, but we were on holiday. And I'm doing all right.

And so, yeah, I said, I'm earning. Let's get some of that taste the difference stuff. She's a lucky woman. That's what I was telling her. Maybe that was part of the problem. She said, oh, I don't really want to take too much stuff home. And I was like, we've got an estate car. And she was going, but it's the packing,

which is a fair point. You count that as a row. That's not that bad. At one point, she walked off saying, grow up. That is quite bad. Because I think at that point I had said, well, I was going to suggest something else, but you'll probably just have to tear the leftovers back,

so I won't bother suggesting anything anymore. Oh, my God. I took my bat home a bit, yeah. That's a bad holiday route. Do you know what it was, though? It was about half four in the afternoon, and do you remember a while ago we talked about hunger on the show, when people get hungry and angry?

Do you know what that is, Steve? Having lived with Alan, i've encountered it i think my blood sugars are dropped and i was lashing out even at my nearest and dearest you will do that why do you ask with your other half not very much we sort of ran about like quite small things so we were just on holiday and the biggest argument we had was who was going to order a creme brulee in this really posh restaurant. That's very First World Problems, isn't it? I love First World Problems. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. So that's that. It's catching on, isn't it? It's catching on. I know. So Steve was telling us about uh well i don't know if you had rouse on your holiday the creme brulee creme brulee that creme brulee ral sounds like a brown novel or something that was the only big one and that concluded with me sulkily kind of go well i suppose i'll have to have the blueberry cheesecake then nice classic

but the only other thing we argue about is because I don't drive, so my wife has to drive us everywhere. We went to Canada and we drove around Lake Ontario, so it's about a three-day drive. But because I don't drive... That's a big old lake, isn't it? Yeah, it's massive. They do some great lakes in Canada.

No, they really do, don't they? They do do some great lakes. She got quite justifiably angry at my map reading. Oh, did she? Because I was fairly useless. Isn't this the reverse of what the cliché is meant to be? It's usually the... You know, those old mainstream comics would go,

oh, my wife, she's sat there with the map upside down and all that. But it's the other way around in your relationship. Well, that was because I basically refused to invest in a skill because I was saying to her, you know, we're earning, let's just buy a sat-nav. Oh, I thought you were going to say chauffeur. Sorry. No, we're not doing that well.

The Google search doesn't come up with enough results to justify a chauffeur. We never even explored how many incorrections and inaccuracies are on the Google search. I think my Wikipedia's got the wrong year for my birth year. But in my favor... Oh, like you didn't put that in? I haven't put anything in, I promise you.

Oh, God, no. No, no, no. There's another Emily Dean. I don't want you looking at her. Oh, isn't she... Oh, yeah, I did the same. She's quite high up when you get to channels. She's in the high numbers. Yeah, I did the same for you and I made the mistake of clicking on images. You thought I was Banger Babes.

I didn't. Yes, that's what her name is. Is she from Wales? Anyway, meanwhile, over in the Great Lakes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so that was the only... So she got very annoyed with me for doing that, for just being terrible at map reading.

So what I try and do to appease her is to sing to her, particularly Johnny Cash, but then that just made her more... And it stuck because there was an early in our relationship. I'd been driving... We'd been driving somewhere and she really needed a wee, so I'd sung to her to distract her and I thought it was really romantic. So whenever she's got annoyed on car journeys,

I've sung to her for the last four or five years thinking she finds it entertaining. And she finally, midway through Ring of Fire, which is ironic because she did need the toilet at the time as well, she just went, will you shut up? In a slightly maternal way. Yeah. Well, actually, you see, this is interesting

because I was reading a survey i love a survey i love a survey in the daily mail as well that's the measure of me and uh but they were talking about map reading was one of the things they cited they were talking about people sort of arguing on holiday do you know what the top 10 holiday rows i mean you can predict this i may have just lived through them men checking out other women that's the thing couples argue about most on holiday and i'm not surprised not if they go to the cotswolds if you go to the cotswolds and your wife tells you off for eyeing up a filly it's because there is a filly literally i can't bear that on holiday, though. Oh, do you know what?

You know when you have the shades on, FYI? Yeah, we know you're looking. We can still see those little eyes looking. I can't bear it. I do feel quite sorry for British men, though. Mediterranean men are much more used to it because there's a flesh fest going on throughout the year.

They have a fleshy culture. Well, they do, really. Yeah, yeah. Whereas you lot, you're just kind of not exposed to it, and you panic, you go a bit mental. You can't cope. The eyes are darting around, sweating. Oh. Who's he been on holiday with?

So do women not check men out in the same way? We do, but I think we're just good at multitasking. So we make it look slightly more discreet. I do anyway. I've got it down to a fine art. Also, I think largely men don't look that good, do they? Like poolside, so it's easier for women. Oh, I'm sorry, have you seen Tom Daley? Oh, he looks good poolside, yeah.

I'll grant you that. He looks good any side. Hats off to Tom Daley. And all of them. All of them did well. We'll talk about the Olympics later, I'm sure. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

While we were away, the Cotswolds trip was frequently so bad we caught ourselves fantasising about our summer holiday next year 12 months yeah we'd be sat in the rain going we're definitely going abroad next year we're definitely going i think we've got a place booked for next june that's that's how rainy it was that we were looking forward to next june you've just been to toronto i have I was going to ask the absolute listenership where are you going on your holidays? Frank thinks of more jokes than me I think of a lot of text-ins

I do, I have so many ideas for text-ins and I am seeing my hairdresser later so that stands me in very good stead I love the fact that hairdressers genuinely ask have you got any holidays lined up? have you been anywhere? where are you going on your holidays? Mine asks as well.

Yeah, I've got one. You barely get time to answer. It's a brief job. So where are you going on your holidays, Emily Dean? I've been on my holidays. Oh, you went to Florida? I haven't seen you for like three weeks or something, so I feel like I don't know.

It was lovely. I just sat in a lounger looking not unlike Jane Crawford with a very large hat shouting at children, get out of my son. You't got children have you no these are my god children um we've had some we've had some texts in emily's very good at a frosty stare i like that steve knew instinctively i didn't have children you haven haven't got children, have you? I don't know if that was the tone. I like to think he checked out my waistline.

Can I just say, you were talking about your holes and saying you were having problems navigating around the lake, Steve. And Chris in Essex says, FYI, by the way, we often refer to people just by the last three digits of their phone number. It's a kind of prison mash-up thing. I don't quite know how it happened. But Chris in Essex slash 310 says, how do you get lost driving around a lake?

Just keep it to the left or right. Good point. That was one of the things that was making my wife angry was me essentially making that point. But Canadian lakes are so big that you can drive around them thinking this this cannot be like this has to be coastline well that's it because there's the there's the bit where you drive into america and it's the it's around the thousand islands which is i didn't realize that's where you get thousand island dressing from oh i never never knew that i never knew that so it's the

eureka moment yeah excellent so it's the most stressful bit was getting over into into the state because that was the bit that was pretty hard going. What was there, a border control? There was a border control and we told him we were doing a house swap and he said, oh, I've always wanted to do a house swap but I can't because my house is full of assault rifles. Yeah. Oh, it's all gone a bit child's play still.

Was he worried about it not being kiddie-proofed if he swapped it with a family? Well, let us know where you're going on your holidays. 8, 12, 15. Yeah, Thousand Island dressing. Amazing, isn't it? And it's not tomato sauce mixed with mayo.

That's just what we call Thousand Island. I think originally it was something a bit more exciting, wasn't it? Oh, what you get on the prawn cocktail. Yeah. Love that. Al, you were asking where people were going on their holidays, rather in the manner of Nicky Clark. Where you off on your holidays?

714, off to Croatia. Quite cultural, but still opportunity to don shades and ogle. Oh, God. Oh, dear. Healthy creep. Well, at least he's joining in, though. At least he's joining in. My mum's been to Croatia

She enjoyed it So that's that 580 Rating Gap It sounds like a service Do you think that is? Is that your mum driving to Glasgow telling you where she is? Rating Gap

Maybe it's just a retail outlet. I don't know. It's a day trip slash holiday. You'll be able to get some stuff then. You won't come back with just a toothbrush. You'll get some chinos or some cargo shorts or something. He's in a film with Channing Tatum, Raid and Gap. We've also had an email from Martin Boy,

which is both a holiday related thing and an idiotic eureka moment He said, for all those separately booking flights hire cars and hotels Bucharest is not the local spelling for Budapest I am starting a 10 hour drive from airport to hotel Oh, Martin

When I was younger I did a little bit of backpacking and I once misread a train departure time and had to sleep in a train station for 12 hours. Why is this leaving at 2am? That's a strange time for a train to go. Never occurred to me. Budapest is going to be quite disappointing for Martin when he arrives there.

I did a three-day lads holiday to Budapest. Me and the fat comedian Greg Davis. Oh, really? We'd been told it was the new Prague. It's very much not the new Prague. It's very much the old Budapest. It really is. I like you two being sold a lie, though.

Oh, you know what? I was meant to press before the old email. What? Email Corner! before the old email. What? Email corner. Needless to say, the screen in front of me is flashing too loud. But it's the first go on this that I've had. Alan, you can't just keep pressing all the buttons all morning. I think it's a bit of fun, isn't it?

No, Alan. You allowed a bit of fun. It's like Marky pressing all the buttons all morning. I think it's a bit of fun, isn't it? No, Alan. Sure you're allowed a bit of fun. It's like Marky Smith at the keyboard going mental. Turn them off, Alan. Is this the floral dance? Alan, turn off the brass bands. It's only 24 seconds. We've got time.

I know, but you can't just keep pressing the jingles all morning, Alan. The best thing about that is that on the screen it just says Brighouse. That's what it's described as. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Morning. I'm Alan Cochran. It's Absolute Radio. I'm filling in for Frank Skinner, who's away, as they say in news articles. I like it when they

say that. And I have the delightful Miss Emily Dean and Steve Hall with me. Text in on 8-12-15. Tell us where you're going on your holidays. You don't have to. You just can if you like. Follow us on Twitter using at Frank on Absolute.

That's my house notices done at the top of the hour. Can I just flag up something? I'm leaving honesty on this show, Steve. Sorry about that. In advance. I'm afraid there was an incident earlier during the news break.

Daisy called Alan Frank. That's fine. And it was a bit ugly. It's a force of habit, I think. We got over it. It's going to be recorded in the diary of Alan Frank. So, we haven't discussed what I really want to discuss this morning.

And I've been waiting to discuss this for so long with you. Which is the Olympics closing ceremony. Oh, yeah. Did we all watch it? I saw some of it. I think, yeah, there was a definite jump in the pool. Can I just flag up now? I have about 24 minutes on George Michael's attire.

So, any time. Yeah. Okay. Talk us through it. Talk us through what you thought of it. Well. I love the fact that it's his outfit, not the fact that he played a new song that is upsetting you.

Which, when Adam Ant did that at Live Aid, never worked again. Destroyed his career, can I just say. You think that's it? Or do you think people will say about George Michael, well, it was about his coma, wasn't it? He's allowed. That's what he said, wasn't it? I don't think he should have been releasing a single called White Lines,

but that's another story said wasn't it i don't think he should be releasing a single called white lines but that's another story but um i just yeah i was troubled when he came on he walks on stage and i was troubled because i felt he goes to that shop where they sell what we call apocalypse chic you know all the clothes are all frayed and it's all earth tones you know all what about us and there was a lot of buckle detail at the neck now the skull belt was what I really objected to

did you see it Steve did you see it because it was amazing because he walked on stage and it was like it was the Terminator if the Terminator

was in an episode of Will and Grace that was the look he'd gone for you can stick around I like that but you can't no skulls over 40. That's the rule.

Was that meant to be based on the... I've had people listen to this for the first time wondering who it is who works in fashion journalism between you or Steve. Because was it meant to be based on the Damien Hirst skull? Oh, maybe. Was that the belt detail? I don't know.

I think he picked it up in Hoist or one of those clubs. I don't know. But I picked it up in Hoist or one of those clubs I don't know I have to say I was really I agree with you about what I call what Pete Waterman calls own stuff he shouldn't have sung own stuff I think that was a mistake wasn't it boys because he got such goodwill when he sang Freedom

there was a real moment where at the end of that song that was a nice moment and then he played a song that nobody knew what's the song that he knew what's the song he mimed the song where the lyric is um uh my auntie got one of his lyrics wrong and thought it was guilty sheep have got no rhythm oh careless whisper yeah yeah guilty feet have got no rhythm for about 10 years she was singing to herself guilty sheep have got no rhythm which implies some dark incident in her past exactly work away at that Freud so that's that so that's that um did you you see also the closing ceremony

I have to say it was what I feared the opening would be like and then we were all pleasantly surprised and then as someone pointed out on Twitter I think this week Danny Ball will spend the rest of his life wandering around saying Christ no the opening Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I'm not going to say so that's that again every song that's finished I've been tempted

to say it but I feel like you know you're trying to make it stick I don't want to overuse it. I was also on a project to bring WhatsApp back, but... It is poor news. That was Daisy, the producer, who hates it, even by email. But then again, she slagged my beard off without seeing it. Can I just say, I'm very impressed at your work with the faders this morning.

I didn't know you were going to be doing all the knobs and everything. I'm frequently forgetting to pull all the knobs and everything. I'm frequently forgetting to pull down the three faders. Where did you learn all these tricks? I haven't learned them. That's part of the problem. Anyway, they don't need to see the mechanic. I've got a man in.

We've got some... The listeners have been telling us where they're going on holiday. Martin Williams says, I'm off to Croatia as well. In fact, it's time to split. Oh. I think he's making a joke. It's a little pun, isn't it?

We have a Croatian in the organisation, actually, and she informs us that that's a joke. Sarah the Poisoner. Yeah. Indeed. Just FYI, Steve, she poisons us. Oh. I could have done with knowing that before I've drunk the three coffees she's presented me with

She tends to give coffee because it masks the flavour of the poison better Have we had any other feedback? Phil says holes in Broken Hill out back in Australia I'm now worried that that's rude

I don't know Broken Hill is, My wife's Australian. Broken Hill is not a very nice place to spend a holiday, but good luck with that nonetheless. Yeah, maybe he's visiting. Oh, I love an Australian. That's a good pull. Yeah, I was very happy with that.

Did you just say that's a good pull? Yes! That's how I like to think of the woman I'm married to. Surprisingly crass from Emily Dean. I love an Aussie So, back meanwhile over at the Olympic Stadium Are we still talking about the closing ceremony?

I'm not done yet What did we think of BDI? That was painful I think he was in pain He sounded like he had a sore nose If that performance was any more nasal he would have become a Vicks inhaler. His brother was a bit unflattering about him the day after, wasn't he?

Called him a tribute band or something. They're going to have BDI. Where was Mike and the Mechanics? I mean, really? I like them. Oh, do you? Yes, that doesn't surprise me, actually. I think they're good.

I thought also, I thought it was a shame flagging up David Bowie and Freddie Mercury with the visuals. And then them not coming on. It was a bit, look what you could have won for the Bully Special Prize, wasn't it? I was very pleased because I'm a long-term fan of Elbow and they, I think were the, I haven't fact-checked this, but I think they were the first band to sing in tune.

Yeah, pretty much. About halfway through, two-thirds of the way through, and I think I was very pleased by that. That was what was so heartbreaking about the ceremony, was you had these really good bands, but then alongside terrible bands. So you had Ray Davis, Elbow, and then One Direction. Yes. So it's like you get a menu and someone says,

you can either have the steak, the lobster, or the sherbet dip-dap. When you said One Direction in a negative way there, I did worry on now. Now the texters are going to go bananas. But I'm not sure the One Direction fans are tuning in to Absolute Radio on Saturday morning. I think they're probably busy elsewhere. We've had an email in for Daisy. This is from one of the absolute radio executives hi daisy do you did you get the preppers that always says who's on call so just so you know

what what on call what is it some sort of regional doctor or something is that really personal correspondence don't use these work facilities, please, for your personal emails. Now I'm paranoid that there's a spare host just in the wings. Is this all code? Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did you just spit your boiled sweet out there, Emily Dean? Oh, don't expose the innards. Oh, sorry.

I did. I love that. I'm having a little strawberries and cream, Steve. I often have a little boiled sweet throughout the show. We did get an email warning of the perils of boiled sweets and lollipops on the dental work, but it's been disregarded, hasn't it? No, but she was warning Frank. And I did remind Frank

that dental issues were to do with not having brushed his teeth until he was 13, not the boiled sweets. True that. Alan, I have been... One of my favourite stories this week, there's nothing I love more than a lotto winner, I have to say. Oh, yeah. No, I mean there's nothing I love more than a lotto winner.

What piques your interest in them? Well, I think they're almost collectively friends of the show. Yes. These lotto winners. And that's a lot of friends. I don't know how to press the friends of the show button. Hang on. Daisy, do you know how to press friends of the show?

Excuse me. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. She's scribbling. Play some incidental music while she's looking for it. I love the show. There we go. That's scribbling. Play some incidental music while she's looking for it. There we go. Now these two, they're called the Bayfords, I believe.

Yes. I think we could describe them as curvy. Do you know one of the things I really like about them is that they're self-confessed curvy. I hate the unaware curvy. I like it because he said that he was going to buy a big car for a big guy or something like that and so as soon as he said that i thought oh good

it's fine for us to discuss it yes i think you're right i looked at them and she's lost six stone apparently already wowzer um but yeah they've said it's quite a nice story i like people like this winning i like people like this winning. I like people like this winning. Yeah. I think they'll spend the money wisely. And I also, I have to say, I was very impressed by the friend. Did you hear about the friend?

They offered him, they offered to make him a millionaire. And he said, no, I don't want the money. He said, I didn't earn it. Which is just what John Cleese's ex-wife said. I should have said. I think that was a son story one day and then the next day the friend went no we haven't even talked about it yet and i think the friend thought hang on don't talk me out of this money we haven't had the conversation

and uh they've also done a few weird things the papers papers with it. They showed a picture of the bloke who was behind him in the queue saying... How could you see him? It was a special vantage point from up on high. But they showed a picture of him, like the guy in the sort of little shop behind the guy who bought the winning lottery ticket, as if, oh, he would definitely be buying a lottery ticket and he definitely would have missed the winning one. And you think you've misunderstood the concept of a lottery here. And also they were saying, oh, he'd be so disappointed. And I was thinking,

well, only if he was trying to buy a chocolate bar after that guy, you know, and then it said in the paper the day after, oh, I wasn't even trying to buy a lottery ticket, but good luck to him 148 million that's a lot against us it is or as the papers I think deliberately keep describing it as a lot of dough

when describing a large couple it does seem slightly malicious doesn't it and I love the fact that the daughter said have we made enough money that we can go for a pizza and I mean could you be pizza makes me so happy And I love the fact that the daughter said, have we made enough money that we can go for a pizza? And I mean, could you be... Pizza makes me so happy. It's almost like a physical pleasure. But the idea of pizza after having won £148 million,

is there ever going to be a better pizza? I hope that she likes a Fiorentina. You know the one, and she said, Daddy, can I have the one with the fried egg on top? And he went, you can have the one with the Fabergé egg on top. We've got that much money now. Al, can I just say at this juncture, we sometimes have a little segment, Steve, called I Dream of Frank.

People dream of Frank. And today we've got an I Dream of Alan. No way. Is this from my mum? Does Alan live in South London? I had a dream of racing him on Cycle Super Highway 7 to Ballam last night. He beat me on a cream-coloured bike, complete with basket. I woke abruptly from the shame of it.

That often happens with me. Please put me out of my shame spiral by saying this could never happen. Cheers, Andrew. Andrew, our loser. Alan! It's like I beat you in this race. How shallow am I that I'm prepared to consider myself a winner because of somebody else's dream about me?

You're the Bradley Wiggins of sleepy time. Oh, that would be good, wouldn't it? That would be really good. They were brilliant. I already miss the Olympics. Do you know what happened? During the very early stages of the Olympics, our Sky Plus had one of those brain burps

that these devices have sometimes and wiped everything. So every document, every series that was on there. No. Yeah, everything. And do you know what? It's only now that the Olympics has finished that I'm annoyed about it. Because while the Olympics was on there. Yeah, everything. And do you know what? It's only now that the Olympics has finished that I'm annoyed about it.

Because while the Olympics was on, I didn't really watch a lot of Sky Plus stuff. I was thinking, well, why would I? I can watch judo or fencing. But what about your never-to-be-deleted stuff, like my George Galloway and Pete Burns? Gone. Celebrity Big Brother.

Never has been deleted. Gone. Everything. Everything gone. But I'm philosophical about it. I'm like that guy, if you burn my house down, I'll just get another. I don't think that's the philosophy. I'll let your insurance company know.

I don't think it's a philosophy about coping with arson. But you know what I mean. So, meanwhile, over at the lotto winners, where the Krispy Kremes are piling up... She's getting progressively more abusive towards them. Actually, last time we did get complaints that we were anti-fattest about the lotto winners. Can I be honest? I was really pleased with them, because they do seem... I know it's not what your mum would say, but they do seem like a nice couple, though.

And they met because he dialed the wrong number. Yeah. Is that right? Yeah. And then he wooed her on the phone and convinced her to come down and meet him from like Dundee or Aberdeen or somewhere He'd only had 2,000 missed dialed calls before That got police complaints But it's almost like a story from a different era isn't it?

The wrong number Nobody has wrong numbers anymore Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio. Hello. This is Absolute. I'm going to pretend to be like a proper radio presenter for a second now. This is Absolute Radio.

You can text us on 81215. Alan Cochran in for Frank Skinner. That's what they say as well, isn't it? Oh, they say in for. In for Frank Skinner. In for skin. Yeah, exactly. So, in Frank Skinner style, what else?

Well, oh yeah, Frank says that a lot. He does, he does. Just FYI, Frank will go, what else? And you have to think of something. And FYI, Emily will abbreviate everything. Well, I think it's time for a bit of email corner. Oh, God. You don't have to play the jingle.

Email corner. No, I'll sing it of Email Corner. Oh, God. You don't have to play the jingle. Email Corner. There we go. No, I'll sing it. Email Corner. That's right. I always do it in the Beatles tune. Frank recorded it in Rishikesh when he was on a retreat with George Harrison. We've had an influx of IEMs, which are, Steve, have you learnt this one?

Idiotic Eureka moments. Very good. Good. We've had, would you learnt this one? Idiotic eureka moments. Very good. Good. We've had, would you like to hear them, Al? I would like to hear them, because I've had one. Have you? I've had one. I've had one this week, in fact. Well, Gary Massey says, Dear Show, oh, that's nice and personal.

Whilst listening to a friend of mine talking about Ramadan and fasting recently, it suddenly dawned on me that the word breakfast was an extremely self-explanatory title. It literally means to break the fast of the night before. Hopefully you reading this out will cause others to have the same IEM. I can't believe that.

No. That people are literally realising that. Do you think, he must be fibbing. He must have known that all his life. There's no point... It's like the innate ability for grammar, isn't it? You're born knowing that breakfast means break the fast, surely. I don't... Maybe he'll get confused and think that breakdancing involves injuring yourself on the dance floor.

Who was the tennis player that hurt herself dancing? I think it might have been one of the Williams sisters. Oh, yes. I call it continue fast, is what I call it. Am I working fashion? Working fashion, yeah, yeah. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So I believe we've had a text in saying nice mix, Alan, have we? Yes, we did. It takes me back to my teenage years of being on the ones and twos. You know, the old techniques of 12 tens. No, I don't. I have no idea what you mean. All right, fair enough. The ones and twos? Yeah, yeah.

You were potty training? No, there'll be... It's industry speak. It's DJ industry speak, isn't it? You and all your pals from D-Ream, DJ pals. Exactly, yeah. Did you have a DJ name? Yeah.

He's so dear, didn't he? He's so dear. I did, yeah. What was it? Aloe. A-L-O. It's terrible, isn't it? It's awful.

I'm even blushing even as we speak. That's terrible, isn't it? Oh, yeah. What was it? Aloe. A-L-O. It's terrible, isn't it? It's awful. I'm even blushing even as we speak. That's terrible, isn't it? Oh, God. It was really bad. Yeah, yeah. DJ Aloe. I was not good. But, you know, the mixing that I just did a moment ago was not mine either.

Dot, dot, dot. Daisy. She's not attacking my beard now, is she? DJ Aloe, we've had some more some more idiotic eureka moments in it doesn't feel as if I got as much cachet for my DJ Allo admission as I did either for

admitting that I was Jason in the TV series A&E or for that I'd read all of Judy Bloom I think they were more cool confessions to make do you know about that Steveve um dj aloe played um jason was it jason the asthmatic yeah jason the asthmatic yeah i was just not aware of this yeah in the tv series a and e because obviously you played you played a chauffeur

having discussed chauffeurs earlier alan was a chauffeur in the in our disastrously received bbc3 series we are clang uh we gave him a little part a little part from a mate yeah yeah you nailed chauffeur in our disastrously received BBC Three series, We Are Clang. Oh, was he? We gave him a little part, a little part from a mate. Yeah, yeah. And he nailed it. It was one of the few bits of the series that wasn't terrible. My bit, my 30 second cameo. Would you like

to hear some more idiotic Eureka moments? Yes, yes, I would. That our listeners have been emailing in. I'll tell you mine. Okay. We've got one from Rachel. Hello, I had an idiotic eureka moment this week. Until now, I've always believed that the much-loved children's story, Alice in Wonderland,

was in fact about a girl who was called Alison. Alison Wonderland. And her surname was Wonderland. Wow, you'd think she'd have walked past the book at some point and seen the cover and seen Alice in... Yes. She now thinks that there's a place called Moyet

and it's Alice in Moyet. Well, there's a comedy programme for children called Giggle Biz and the guy on it is funny. And he has a character that's an antiques expert and her name is Anne Teak, which I like. Oh, that's good. Ned, have we got time for Neds? I think we've got time for Neds.

Hello. I thought you'd like to know I had an idiotic eureka moment the other day. I just realised Hyacinth Bucket wants her last name pronounced Bouquet, not just because Bucket is a vulgar word, but because Hyacinth is a type of flower. It is. It seems I had an IEM without the all the best Ned. P.S. If Emily's ever in york i'll gladly

show her the city but i'm happily married so she'll need to make her own arrangements for i love this growing trend for emailers to offer you a day out i really like i've had so many offers so many offers edinburgh birmingham bristol yeah and the area. So anyway. It's a chance for a staycation. Yeah, well, there you go. Don't bother. Book yourself a foreign holiday. I realised this week, you know when you get an iPhone and it's got the headphones that have got the little volume control halfway up, you know the little volume control?

Is that what that is? Yeah, it's a plus and minus. Wait for it. I'm thinking I've got the one that's a plus or minus. It's just a volume control. People are walking past me using it as a hands-free and I'm thinking, where are they getting these hands-free ones? I was literally taking them out to speak on the phone and it turns out it's a tiny little hands-free as well. Did you know that? No.

Oh, good. I don't feel like it was quite so idiotic, a eureka moment. If that same thing has happened to you, could you text in? Because, you know, Emily and I need reassurance. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Morning, this is Absolute Radio. I'm Alan Cochran in for Frank Skinner. He's not on holiday, he's just trapped in heavy traffic outside the Ecuadorian embassy.

And you can text us on 8-12-15, follow us on Twitter using at Frank on Absolute. We haven't changed the Twitter handle, as they say. All right, CBS. You've got a Twitter handle, haven't you, Emily? Yes, I have. OK, listen, everyone in the Kent or St Albans or Birmingham area, for the last time, it's Divine underscore Miss underscore M-E-M.

It's a pun on a sort of better middle of thing, Divine Miss M, you see. Steve will understand that because he's got a lot of cultural references. Yeah, I never got that, to be honest. I'm having an idiotic eureka moment now. I don't judge you for it, because I adore you. Al, we've had... 280 has, I think, texted in on 12.15 and says,

on the subject of idiotic eureka moments, I used to think that when radio presenters announced a song as a non-mover, it meant you couldn't dance to it. That is great. That's from Cam in Bristol, breaking the mould by listening to the show not in a tour T-shirt, but a pair of Calvin classics. I love that.

And again, that's sort of, it harks to a time gone by, doesn't it? It's a bit like earlier when we were talking about the wrong number. People don't do wrong numbers anymore. And DJs, I don't think, say this is a non-mover, because the charts have somehow become less relevant, haven't they? In the same way that phone numbers are now a bit irrelevant, aren't they? Because you just press your iPhone favourites or recents or whatever and it's done, isn't it?

That's true. Yeah. I'm trying to find it, Alan, because we've also had a response to your... You know, you were talking about your iPhone. Oh, yeah. I know it sounds bad, but it was quite interesting. The headphones? Yeah, you were talking about the iphone oh yeah i know it sounds bad but it was quite interesting the headphones yeah you were talking about the high phones someone was responding to that i'm sorry yes here we are hi dj aloes aloes crew see you would catch on 20 years after the event the iphone controller does the music player to

press once for start stop twice to go, three to go back. No way. To add to offers for Emily, Horsham is nice this time of year if you wish to join me. Well, you say Horsham's nice this time of year, but the staycation, I just don't believe that. I think the weather could ruin Horsham, even Horsham. It's at the Sussex area. My staycation was so bad. At one point, I spotted that a big pot of yoghurt that I had

had a competition on it. And I went through and got my laptop and entered an online competition. And then I realised that we had another pot. A yoghurt? Yeah, to win a food, to win a kitchen device it was. It was like a blender or something. And I thought, I've never entered a competition. I'm stuck in the Cotswolds it's raining

there was one night where my wife said I'm really tired I'm going to have a nap at 20 past 8 and then she just went to bed until the following morning and so I entered this competition to win a blender or whatever it came up you've not won this time and I thought hang on we've got another pot

of that yoghurt through there and I went through and the way to get the number to enter online was to rip the paper sleeve on the outside to get into the inside and then there was a code, I ripped the paper sleeve and ripped through the number, so not only am I

a loser in the first competition I'm a loser in the second one because I made it impossible to enter. That's how bad my last week on holiday has been. I mean, obviously, I still live with my family, but I do not love the Cotswolds or the rain. It sounds like you've got sort of mild post-traumatic stress. It does, doesn't it? It does.

Foreign holidays. Next year, it's going to be foreign. Oh, yeah. I can recommend you the house swap. Oh, yeah, you did the house swap, didn't you? Well, not without its problems. We arrived in our place. It's a lovely little...

We swapped our tiny flat for a nice three-bedroom house in Toronto. Wow. And we'd driven around the lake before we settled in, and the toilet blocked within two minutes of us being there. It wasn't our fault. So you had a wet room as well? Exactly. But it was third day of Glastonbury proportions

and it's a man's job it feels like that's a dad's job or a husband's job to fix so I felt quite heroic but they had to physically replace the entire toilet while you're in somebody else's house. God, that's the worst thing that's ever happened to a human being. And my wife's a vegetarian, so it's fairly unpleasant.

And when you got back to your flat, did they put a new kitchen in for you or anything? It's not mutual. We were nervous about flushing the one in our place just in case it was them. But did they pay? Oh, yeah, they paid. They left you their credit card details saying, in case you need to replace the toilet this is our number

alan cochran and emily dean sitting in for frank skinner on absolute radio so that's that i've got my uh i've got my phone on airplane mode so so I haven't even checked. I might have had texts all morning from my mum saying, am I at Cannell Isle now? Or, you know, wherever. Who knows? Who knows? Anyway. Alan and Steve.

Sometimes, Steve, I like to share. Because I've had one of my incidents this week, Alan. Uh-oh. You know my incidents. This isn't medical, is it? No. Going from the subject of toilet changes. There have been those,

but this isn't the appropriate forum, really. This is more, this is a kind of one of those social oh, moments where I do Oh, your arthritic claw. Arthritic claw, because I cringe so much at what I've done. The claw of embarrassment.

Although not for me, fortunately. For others this time, the arthritic claw. Because I work at InStyle magazine, fashion magazine. I'm deputy editor there. Well done. Thank you very much. Were we meant to go, woo, get you. And I oversee a team of lovely fashion girls.

And I was very busy this week because the editor's away, so I'm running the show in her absence. I know how you feel. Well, there you go. And so a couple of the girls went downstairs. They said, oh, we'll see you later. I said, OK. I said, let's go and have some lunch together, though.

I said, all right. So I couldn't find them suddenly. They'd gone. I was looking everywhere for them. Spotted them over at a cafe. So I rung one of them. together, though. I said, all right. So I couldn't find them suddenly. They'd gone. I was looking everywhere for them. Spotted them over at a cafe. So I rung one of them. Oh, no. She didn't pick up.

But I don't think she had her phone with her. Rung the other one. I could see that blackberry glinting in the midday sun. She didn't pick it up. She dropped my call. Oh, you got screened. And you could see it happen. By an employee.

By an employee. Ex-employee, surely. Well, I did what I feel was the only reasonable thing to do in this situation as a boss. I sent a very passive, aggressive text saying, I can see you. I genuinely did that. And then you aired it on weekend radio.

That's the perfect response. I can see you. She said, Daisy's, the producer's got her hand over her mouth. Embarrassment. She texted back, where are you? Uh-oh. I texted back, look behind you. Good for you.

Demonic. They saw me, their faces fell, one blushed, one styled it out. She said, she said oh oh my phone was on silent what is that the one that hadn't heard yeah she said the phone was on silent it was in an expensive handbag and therefore yeah so but frankly they can save their excuses for the tribunal on monday so but the drop that's awful when you see someone drop your call it's not a good moment is it? It's a nauseous feeling that

Occasionally when I screen a call I give a glance around my shoulder in case someone's seen me like once my manager rang me in Euston station but I was busy I had to buy a sandwich and get a train you know I cannot multitask and so I thought I'll call him back later

but I did give a quick glance around, thinking, what if he's just walking out of Pret-a-Manger or something? He's seen me. And he's thought, let's just test Alan's loyalty. You see, I'm a reasonable human being, Steve. But I won't tolerate... I like the fact that it's Steve that you feel the need to tell that. I have a confessional thing with him.

I can't explain. But I do have abandonment issues, and I won't tolerate a drop call. No. I feel like they've put their job on the line with that move. Yeah, I'm pretty confident of that. And do you know what's great? It's that I accepted your call at a highly inconvenient time this week. It couldn't have been more inconvenient unless I was juggling chainsaws or something.

You had a child in a storm when you took my call. It was pouring down and we were running in. You were essentially Heathcliff. Yes. With beard and everything, yeah. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Just had a thought.

You know, another thing that radio presenters like what I am today could do is instead of finishing the song and going, so that's that, they could say, now we're talking. Because now we're talking, aren't we? I love this creation of the catchphrase, that we're workshopping it live on air.

Sadly, you've got to do something to fill the minutes, haven't you? Quite often got four. Four minutes. Alan, DJ... Is it DJ A-Lo or DJ A-Lo? It was DJ A-Lo, but it wasn't... Can I just say past tense? A-Lo. Past tense.

You know I like a survey. You do seem to love a survey. Another survey that I've seen? Yeah, bring it up. Because they're one of my favourite things. Now, this is to do with smell, which is another obsession. You've got an obsession with smell? No.

Oh. I've got an obsession with... Well, I've got a very finely tuned nose, so I can... Honestly, I can spot... If someone hasn't properly aired their jeans, and they leave them in the washing machine for too long, slightly mild, you know?

Oh, yeah, foisty. What sort of distance? I'd say at least 100 paces. Oh, dear. I'm in trouble. You think you've disproved that theory already. But, no, so this survey said that they've actually proved now this is women's biggest turn-off. I saw this. If a man smells bad, that's their biggest no-no.

That's worse than a poor sense of humour. Mm-hm. And bad dress sense. Yeah. Someone smelling bad. Didn't it cite Russell Brand as possibly being a smelly celebrity? Because I think he's taken a hit on all three there. Oh.

But... No, I do. But it's weird, isn't it? Like, the way people smell, it's very important, isn't it? I mean, nobody smells like the lovely smells that you hear about, like freshly mown grass or... I love the smell of clean sheets, but I never change the bedding. No? Never.

I reckon if I lived alone, I would change my bedding no never i reckon if i lived alone i would change my bed in every 18 months i think there would be a point as we were approaching christmas i say we i mean me i'd think should i change the bedding yet now i'll give it till easter i really don't think i do it a lot but the smell of it when you get into clean sheets it is lovely isn't it it's great oh it's lovely it's like i but i lovely. But I would, that would put me off, because I once, I dated a man once, and his, I'll tell you what put me

off him, was his hair smelled a bit funny. It smelled of old combs. That's another thing I won't tolerate. Old combs. You've got to have rules, haven't you? It just smelled, do you know that smell? It smelled a smell? It just smelled funny. I saw this article and discussed it with my wife.

Oh, yeah. And she said that she broke up with someone in her youth, I can only assume. Last week. Because he smelled of burning rubber. And I said, do tell me more. And she said, well, I say I broke up with him. Actually, I moved away and just didn't tell him.

Which shows that it was the era before the mobile phone and the pager, doesn't it? Because now you could move away and not tell people and everything would just carry on as normal, wouldn't it? The smell of burning rubber might imply he's very good in bed. Or he's Lewis Hamilton. I never checked that. I never checked either of these. But I had a short frisson with a girl who smelled of raw onion. Or it could have just been that we'd been to a kebab shop or something.

I don't know. Maybe she didn't permanently smell of raw onion, but the time I knew she did. I know what you mean. I knew someone whose feet smelled a bit of raw onion. Their feet? Were you sniffing the gentleman's feet? How dare you be so

personal? Is this during the infamous toe job period of the tabloid press? Is this when you were going out with David Mellor? In his Chelsea shirt. Alan? Yes, dear? We were talking... Extraordinary dynamic developing.

We were talking about bad smells and... I think that was the original working draft for that Beatles song. I like that, I got that. John McCririck was actually cited as the celebrity that people thought would be the worst smelling. Oh, yeah, I'll bet he honks.

Well, I think he does. Yeah, I've not met him. Well, I think he does. I think... Yeah. Yeah. I've not met him, but... Well, again, from the Celebrity Big Brother one that he was in, it looked like there was mould. Did you ever see him walking around topless?

No. He looked... In fact, I think this version of Celebrity Big Brother may be the first one I ever watch. It's possibly displacement activity since the Olympics are stopped that I just go, oh, well, that'll do, won't it? If they could get, like, a red-button system and have Julian Clary, Greco-Roman wrestling against Harvey,

I think their numbers would go through the roof, wouldn't they? Yeah. I thought you said Michael Greco for a minute there. I'd love him to go in. He's one of my favourites. Good reference. I haven't heard of him for a while. And the other... But I do actually know one celebrity, see, Patrick Moore, I do know he does smell a bit, I'm afraid. He's sort of allowed, I guess he's allowed to, because he's a national treasure.

Well, also, he's so clever, it doesn't matter. That's, you know, I know that's not what he trades on, smelling fragrant. Smelling nice. Celebrities I've met that did smell nice I did a warm up on Paul O'Grady's show once And he smelt lovely

Was he nice? I just walked past him in the corridor I didn't really meet him but he smelt good Sarah Jessica Parker, one of the best smelling individuals I've ever encountered Is that right? Lovely, yeah Alexa Chung smelt very nice Right, I hope somebody's just tuning in now.

I really hope. Probably they've had the car on and just... And it just does go, so-and-so smelt nice. I was reading that survey on the comments, because it was another Daily Mail survey, wasn't it? Or was it the Daily Mail just reporting a scientific survey? The Daily Mail comments are a wonderful thing. Because the first comment I read, having read the story,

I thought, oh, that's really interesting. Someone had just written, Kate Middleton looks like she smells. Which is a very odd thing. I think he was meant to say nice. Yeah. She does look like she smells nice. Some people look like they smell bad, don't they? There are certain celebrities that we've discussed before that I think look

like they need a bath. Run them past me during the break and I'll tell you. We've actually had a text in from Sandy Mason who's not just friend of the show, she's actually mother-in-law of show. Oh yeah? Frank's mother-in-law. Hello from friend of the show, Sandy Mason. I just bumped into an

old flame smelling of that very same musty smell that I now hear you discussing. Wow. wondered how to tell him he suddenly said what's that funny smell oh they were just perhaps they're having this chat in a wet room and nobody's in the corner have you ever had to break it to someone that they smell no that is one of the things that would put me off a career in HR. Because that is what they basically do, isn't it? Isn't that it? They just basically say, you know, don't they do it by email now?

Have a bar, have a bar. When the secret Santa has bought you links three years in a row, I think you know that your colleagues are letting you know something. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Alan and Emily, I've been scandalised by this news story. I'm a big fan of Scrabble. I don't know what your feelings are. I love Scrabble.

And there was a player in a fairly high-level Scrabble competition, a young child. He's not been named because he's a minor. So sad to see kids cheating. He's been ejected from the tournament in disgrace because he was found hiding blank letter tiles from round to round. He was secreting them on his person. Oh, rolled up the sleeve.

Rolled up the sleeve, I think dropped on the floor, possibly used as some kind of suppository. And he was spotted and he'd been ejected from the tournament in disgrace. And whilst it's kind of sad, it's also fascinating because I only cheat at Scrabble because Scrabble became kind of an online thing. And essentially Scrabble games online are two people separated by potentially thousands of miles, both using anagram solvers to try and appear better than they can. Yes. I was particularly upset by it because I used to... Scrabble, when I was a single man, Scrabble was my way of picking up ladies.

No. I used to chat ladies up. Seriously? I genuinely had some success. Really? Because you can come across as brainy and erudite even though you're cheating. Yeah, I used to ask if they'd read Judy Blume. Yes, you still do.

I did the smoothest thing I've ever done whilst chatting a lady up on Skype. We'd been playing for about five hours and I'd won every game. Is this online? This is online. Oh, it's gone a bit chat roulette online. It was going very well. I was

winning and being quite charming. And so she said, just to paint you a picture while playing Scrabble with you, I am drinking red wine and listening to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. So I did the smoothest thing I've ever did in response to her saying I'm listening, playing Scrabble

and listening to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. I said, well, at least if you put baby in the corner, it'll be a triple word score. Very good. The smoothest thing I've ever done. You're smooth. You know, when it's quite smooth and yet utterly horrific at the same time,

I feel like I need to have a bath just for having even recalled it. I'm only doing a slight arthritic claw. And how long have you been married to the said lady? It went that well. I have to say, Alan, I loathe Scrabble. I absolutely despise it. I love it when you loathe things.

I hate it so much. Nobody uses the word loathe as well as you do. Ironically, in a Scrabble conversation. It's one of my most hated things. I'll tell you why. Because, firstly, because... Awkward. I'll tell you why. Because, firstly because... Awkward. I'll tell you why I don't like it.

I think it's a weird way to spend your time. Saying, oh, I've got dog, seven points. You're 40, right? Sitting in a room with strange tiles spelling tin and dog. I don't understand it. I think people aim higher, though. Also, yeah, but I'm bad at it. This is the other thing.

Really? I should say, I think it's because, I think it's quite a left-brain mathematical thing. I don't think it's anything to do with words, really. It's to do with maths. It's to do with seeing shapes and seeing other words. So I can't, I'm terrible at it. Right. That's why I don't like it.

We should get you some publications. You can get better at that. I'm deputy editor for In Tile magazine. Very good. Very good. to you can get better at that i'm deputy editor for in tile magazine very good very good um there is something about scrabble i think if you're good at scrabble it brings out a really weird ego doesn't it it's just one of those things like people punch the air and get a bit kind of uh a bit unpleasant i'm not saying that they are unpleasant just there's something about it um i just i've been desperately trying to think of a pun all the way through this A bit unpleasant. I'm not saying that they are unpleasant, just there's something about it. I just... I've been desperately trying to think of a pun

all the way through this about A Night on the Tiles, but epic fail. Epic fail. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I fancy playing chess against people. I don't play enough chess. Oh.

I've actually considered volunteering in an old person's home to play an old man at chess once a week or something. But I don't think you can do that and then insist that they don't have any food on their chin. I didn't know you were on the spectrum. I'm not on the spectrum, but I like a game of chess. It's tricky playing chess against very old people because there's the clock that tells you how much time you've got left.

That can be quite upsetting for them. They're just ticking. Tick-tock, old man, tick-tock. Anyway. Anyway. So are you both going to festivals? After today's show, I believe we're both going separately to different festivals. We are indeed, yes.

To perform a little comedy. I'm assuming you're doing a comedy turn. I am doing a turn. You're doing a turn. I'm doing two turns, in fact. Are you? I'm doing a Saturday and a Sunday. Oh, nice. Are you camping?

Yeah. Oh. Are you? Well, that's very nice. Well, we're doing sort of the opposite ends of the spectrum, because I'm doing the Green Man Festival in the Brecon Beacons, which is delightful, and you're doing the... Oh, in the Brecon Beacons, which is delightful. What's that to do with it? Is that like a pedestrian crossing

transport festival? That's what it should be. That's what it should be. I'd go to that. What actually is the Green Man Festival? It's a folky festival in Wales, but it's got a very small capacity of maybe 5,000 or 10,000. So Van Morrison's headlining tonight.

Who I gather is a delightful man on stage. He's the most cheery demeanour maybe 5,000 or 10,000. Oh, OK. So Van Morrison's headlining tonight. Wow. Who I gather is a delightful man on stage, is the most cheery demeanour of any performer. I imagine he'll be a bit like spending time with me this morning. Whereas you're doing the V Festival, or is it to be known from next year the First Group Festival? Is that true? Oh, I see. Excellent.

Little railway joke there. Railway machinations joke. Yeah, I'm doing the V Festival. And it's a bit weird, because when it was booked in, I thought it was probably going to be this Sunday, or then not booked. And now I'm kind of like, I'm going home, and then I'm driving to it, doing my turn, and then I might drive home. But it does feel like I'm then going to miss all those bands,

which is a shame, because if I'm driving and a good song comes on the radio, I cheer up, whereas I'm actually going to miss all those bands, which is a shame, because, you know, if I'm driving and a good song comes on the radio, I cheer up, whereas I'm actually going to deliberately miss seeing these bands live. That seems a shame, doesn't it? Maybe I'll watch them. I'm not going to a festival. What I'm going to do instead is just go home and watch Kerrang! TV and not bath for the rest of my life.

Essentially having the festival experience. To each their own, I suppose. The deodorant dodging experience. I mean, the last festival I went to with Famille, the guy who'd booked me for it, who works for my management, texted me saying, don't come if you haven't all got wellies. It was absolutely drenched. I'm assuming you are, Rupert the Bear.

So I bought the entire family wellies that day. Wellies were an item I never really wanted to own, but now do. I don't think they're compatible with having a mortgage. This is the ageing process. Exactly. You need to be mortgage free before you can. There will be someone listening to this thinking Wellies are really expensive. You could use them on your allotment. I could, but I think the allotment is going to go. We're not keeping it up. It's too much work.

And also, I've just not got the frame for weeding. Apparently, the last time we were down there, I described it as tedious. Oh, wow. And apparently that is inappropriate. What I meant was that I found weeding tedious. I'm six foot three. I'm a big unit.

And crouching down to weed, it is tedious. I'll say it. It's the grumpiest version of a good life. Yeah, it's not great. And we haven't had a good yield either. We haven't had good food. Tell me about it. Food-wise, it's not been good. I feel like... Food-wise? Is that your Ricardo? Yes. Well,

in theory, it's meant to be, but in practice there's been precious little for me to actually scoff. So, got it. Well, enjoy the festival. You're both looking at me now as if to go, we've literally ran out of steam. No, I just want you both to assure me

that you're not going to wear Peruvian hats. Oh, no, I don't. Or take any natural highs. None of that. I'm way too old for all that. Yeah, definitely. Coming up next, we should explain, we'll be back next week

if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, as Frank says. He's still on his holidays, and we'll see you next week. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Thank you.