The Frank Skinner Show - Ick Watch

Episode Date: July 22, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team discuss a legally binding emoji, jigsaws and Frank wants to know the meaning behind a song.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Okay, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Text the show on 81215. Otherwise we don't have enough material to fill it. No. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. A bit more, a bit more into the box. And then email the show via frank at

absoluteradio.co.uk Full. Yeah. Unusual way to start the Breakfast Radio Show and appeal for material. Well, what I find

is that when we do a pre-record, I like it because you guys are there, but I really miss the outside voice coming in. The Vox Populi. Yeah, it's like when I was a kid and Mrs Weston used to come round from next door

and sit in our house for a couple of hours chatting. It's like that. I see myself as a... With her strange, zany ideas about the world. Oh, she was zany. I'm glad you said zany. Remember the man I briefly dated? And I'm afraid it didn't last

because he said, he was describing my sister and he said, your sister, she's really zany. Oh, no. And I'm afraid that was it. I'm afraid I have to say on the news that preceded this show

the woman said Celsius on the weather. You're kidding. Celsius. Celsius, yeah. I mean, who knows? Maybe she's right and everyone else is right. I like Celsius.

That would be a good name. That sounds like one of Kykelius' children. I once finished with someone because they described Nick Hornby's fever pitch as a novel. I'm afraid it's non-fiction. I didn't say that right, that's it, but I felt like, I felt... A blow. Water. Is it like water leaking into a sinking ship of doubt and disappointment?

Frustration, rage. Becoming rage. Yes. Water leaking into a sinking ship of doubt and disappointment. Frustration. Rage. Becoming rage. Yes. Yeah, but, you know, we've all... It's what I used to call the flash frames. You're with someone, you think this could go really well, and they say something, and you just think, oh.

There's a young people term. What is that? The ick. Oh, the ick. Oh, I've never heard of that. How do you spell ick? I-C-K. Okay.

And that means when someone says something and you think we can never be together. Just in a moment. In the Love Island context, it's really based on what one says. Yes, no one on Love Island. It tends to be based on something like, I don't like the way he's done his hair.

Yeah, not about novels in Love Island. They rarely pull that over Sheck Hall. No, it's finding, it's discovering the territory of the person. Is it physical territory? Yeah, I think so. Is it physical territory, Bates? Is that what you're saying?

Is it like wallets? Oh, maybe not. Is it like that? The ick is bad, though, isn't it? When you get the ick, Frank, there's no going back. I have gone back. I think when Kath, my life partner, The ick is bad, though, isn't it? When you get the ick, Frank, there's no going back. I have gone back.

Kath, my life partner, 22 years together, very early on didn't know who George Galloway was, and I got the ick. I forgave. That's what I did. Not for that around now. I think that's more than forgivable. Yeah, what a way to go for not knowing who George Galloway was.

Did you sort of consult with yourself and think, in a way, it would be better if none of us knew who George Galloway was? Well, you know me, I'm not judgy, but... Not judgy? If you was dating now and dumping people because they didn't know who George Galloway was,

it would be a very short-term relationship. Do you remember, Frank used to have another sort of... Do you remember that, Frank? Laurel and Hardy? Yeah. Do you want to explain to Pierre? You know that commencing dancing routine that Laurel and Hardy do when they dance in the centre of a Wild West town?

I used to show that to women early on and if they didn't laugh i thought no you cannot he'd actually say to us so i showed them the you know i put the throne how was it and we'd all be stiff with stress yes faster fast tracking fast tracking the extra calling actually opening the doors and calling the eking Cracking the eggs through Laurel and Hardy. Yeah, exactly. Calling, actually opening the doors and calling the egg in. Like a sort of sniffer dog. Yeah.

It was so well known amongst our friendship group that sometimes Jane and Jonathan, our mutual friends, would say, well, I don't know. Has she seen the Laurel and Hardy video yet? I don't know if it's going to last. I used to play it in quite early. So you had a sort of princess and the pea thing. If you don't laugh at that,

there's something wrong with your deeper soul area. Yeah. So I'd play it early, you know. Often, sometimes even the second cigarette of the evening, we'd watch that. Oh. Those lucky women. Yeah, they were.

Most of them escaped. I didn't work with... Cat hates Laurel and Hardy. She's broken all the rules. We've already had an ick from the outside world. Oh, good. I think all icks come from the outside world. None from within.

Well, let's see what this one does. 208 says, I think all ics come from the outside world None from within Well Let's see what this one does 208 says Frank, full stop Which is quite a Attention grabbing way to begin I once split with a girl as we were out one night And outcasts, hey ya, came on

And she said Shake it like a Polaroid teacher Instead of picture I turned to my friend and said I can't do this anymore and she said, shake it like a Polaroid teacher instead of picture. Oh. I turned to my friend and said, I can't do this anymore. Oh, that is a bit... Even by my... That is harsh.

John and Volker. I can't do... It's fabulously dramatic, isn't it? Does it make any difference if you shake a Polaroid picture? Apparently it makes it worse. Oh, does it? It slightly shakes the ink around a bit. You've got to leave it.

Okay. Good to know. Health and safety that outcasts would rather we not know. Ruining all of our pictures. They're a bit like that. I find them very duplicitous. Yeah, they're always up to something. That's why they're outcast.

Good hair straighteners, though. Fabulous trilby work. But Emily was making the point that icks are conditional. Am I right, Em? I find with the ick, one only ever really gets the ick with someone one is not destined to be with.

I feel when the person is right, those things cease to annoy you. So you might have got the ick with someone over not getting the Laurel and Hardy, and yet Kath will get a free pass for that because she is your soulmate. OK? Yeah, do you believe in soulmates?

No. OK. I believe she is the person... I'm very happy you're with her though. Okay? Thank you. Yes, the soulmate thing, I'm very happy I'm with her, don't get me wrong. The soulmate, I think there's probably in Britain, Great Britain I think, let's say Piano Valley probably has,

and he's a high bar. I'd say there's probably... He's a high bar? 180,000 people who would qualify as his soulmate. Okay. What about in Northern Ireland? In Northern Ireland? You said in Great Britain,

but if we add Northern Ireland, maybe another hundred... A four. Another four. Another four. A slightly Nigel Farage approach to dating. Great Britain. Oh, God.

The only date on... There goes my bank account. An only date on the mainland. Can I say that? That's my view. I think I'd only date on the mainland, though. It's otherwise. God, I don't want to be rowing to a date.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. No, I don't want to do that. It's an interesting thing, though, because your suggestion is, it's like when, let's say, a Sky Sports presenter was to say something that was a bit off-colour, if he was one of the more popular, successful ones,

he'd do a big apology and then be forgiven and warned not to do it again. And if they were trying to get rid of him anyway, he'd be out. So it's a bit like that. If you're trying to get rid of him anyway. That's true. You might not even know you are, but you know.

Subconsciously, you're manifesting ics. Yeah, you're looking for ics. You're on ic search. Ic watch. I think Chris Packham would do. I bet Chris Packham has got a strict ic agenda. Oh, he has got a lot, yeah. Oh, man.

You can't get through that door easily. Yeah. He's got a big ick list. If you run over a cat and say, oh, well, plenty more cats around, that'd be it. I love cats, yeah. I wouldn't do that, by the way.

Yeah. I once ran over a rabbit, accidentally, obviously. Is this an episode of Would I Lie To You? Now, honestly, I couldn't shrug it off for about two weeks. Can you hear the noise? Oh, don't, Frank. That's actually really distracting.

Yeah, and it's upsetting us. Sorry, these people. Why tell us? These people eat a fully grown stallion. I don't know how they ever get over it. I've never met those people. They drive under it, mainly, I think. No, ever get out of it. I've never met those people. They drive under it, maybe. No, I drive one of those, you know those super trucks you see on obscure channels?

I drive one of those. No horse, I'm not going under any horse and there's no horse getting under me. Friendship is on Absolute Radio. horse getting under me on absolute radio we were talking at the beginning and i said oh i'll ask the readers that because they'll know the answer what was it i was going to ask sorry i'm a lady oh yes um emily is the word lady and i said sorry i'm a lady sorry i'm a lady which was a song a pop song and i can't remember who the singer was but more importantly i can't remember why she was sorry that she was a lady if anyone can help me with that it sounds like she was being slightly sarcastic

we don't have the information to make a character assassination like that. Dark sarcasm in the dance floors. Dark sarcasm in the classroom, as Pink Floyd would have put it. Frank, may I share this with you? I will, from Samuel Roberts. I can say she's passing me a massive spliff as we speak. Oh, my goodness me. Algernon.

She isn't. Algernon. Sam Robbins from Southend. There's been a sighting, and it's of one of the three of us. I'll continue. Morning, Frank, Emily and Pierre. Last weekend, my partner, our two-year-old daughter and I

were trudging our way through the streets of Shoreditch on our way to a meal when a car pulled up beside me. Right. Who should emerge from this car but none other than Mr Frank Skinner? OK. Or, as they've said,

to use the rock band introductory vernacular, Mr Frank Skinner. Yeah. Or, as they've said, to use the rock band introductory vernacular, Mr Frank Skinner. Yeah. And in the car... Mr. Yeah. Yes, OK. I must say, this made the horrendously exhausting experience

of taking a toddler to central London all worthwhile. I stopped to give Frank a brief hello and continued onward in a much better mood. Oh, that's good, isn't it? So thanks, Frank. What I like is it's got something of the flavour of the Peeps diary and continued onward. Yes. But Sam from Southend... And also, someone raised by that sort of old there's always someone worse off. Yes, theory. When you see an old guy get out of a car,

obviously he doesn't know where he is. Sam's from Southend's Postscript. I enjoyed it enormously. I did find it noteworthy, Sam continues, that almost the instant that Frank got out of the car, he stopped to ask someone

for directions. That's my life. I was slightly disappointed that he didn't use the FaceTime cath and hold his phone in the air method of the past, a.k.a. cath nav. Well, I've done that many, many times. Where were you going? What were you doing? Well, that was it. Where was I going?

I was trying to get from... Two of my friends recently got MAs in fine art and they had their, you know, your degree show. So I went to that at the Truman Brewery. Oh, yes, I'm familiar. Which is in... Yes, it's in the East London area. It's somewhere in the East.

Sort of Shoreditch, Hoxton, yeah. One of those. They're all a bit, the Lord above gave man They all, you know, they're all a bit, the Lord above Guy Ferdinand before you. And then I had to get to a gig at the Moth Club in Hackney. I know this is really interesting

but I had no idea. I literally walked out with about 40 minutes to the gig. I didn't know what boss I had to get. Very trendy East London day for you though. It was very trendy, yeah. You should have got an ironic sailor tattoo. I was certainly the least fashionable person on the streets.

It's true. People gave me quite a lot of loose change. Oh, no. Some collectible coins. In the end, I just got on a boss and thought, if this is going the wrong way, then all is lost. It's so exciting.

It's your version of the film Speed. Yeah, so I got on the bus and I got my Google Maps and just thought, just to see if it was generally going in the right direction.

Let's see where the dot goes. How was it? I think I would like to, I think you should trail this. It's so exciting. I've started doing it in black cabs now, of getting and watching the route on Google Maps to make sure I'm not being overcharged.

That's a lovely way to live. Yeah, I think if they see the glow of Google Maps on your face in their rear-view mirror, they might think twice and go in the circular route. Ofsted's in. What happened with the bus, Minister? You know what? I got lucky. Yeah, when I realised that we were actually heading in that direction,

man, that was exciting. It was how Roald Amundsen must have felt when he knew that the pole was near. You notice I just said pole, so I wasn't quite sure whether it was N or S. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Listen, I was watching a... OK, it was on a recording,

but I go to recordings more and more now as television goes into decline. And I was watching a Channel 4 show about most popular toys. Oh, yeah? Just briefly, what would be your guess? Biggest selling toy in the last, you know, 40 years or so. Oh, selling? Is Lego available? It's just a generic answer?

Yeah, Lego is a bit... Apparently, Lego was having hard times it got into this programme until it bought into the Star Wars thing. Really? Yeah. I'll tell you, because, you know, I didn't guess enough.

I didn't guess. Oh, please. Okay. I'm just worried about people at home saying this is stasis. Okay. I'm just worried about people at home saying this is stasis. Okay. I don't want them to say that. You can have a quick guess.

No. Okay. It was Rubik's Cube. Really? I know. That's what I thought. Novelty. I thought it might be like a fun thing.

I thought it would be Barbie or something. And they sold 340 million Rubik's cubes. Really? I wish there was a figure to say how many of those were ever completed. Less than 1% surely.

Do you think that low? I hope so. If they were mixed up. I think there's no joy for me in a toy like that. I think there's no joy for me in a toy like that. I think it's a... Because a Rubik's Cube is also a sort of paperweight or decorative item, more so than an action man. It's a rubbish paperweight.

Also, the word toy is doing some pretty heavy lifting here. Yes. Toy? Au contraire. I'm sorry. Well, it's multicoloured. It's awful. The first time I got it, well, it's multi-coloured and plastic. It's awful.

I just, the first time I got it, I went straight in, took all the stickers off and just stuck them on. You did that. You did that thing. My father had views on that.

That's a, isn't that a bit like going on your mobile phone in a pub quiz? Yeah. It was terrible. Outrageous. I think it's like

the brief history of time. Remember that brief history of time by Stephen Hawking? Yes. That was... And other Peter Kay routines that got cut. What? What is that? Remember brief history of time?

Think about that brief history. I saw a copy of that in a skip, and the wind was blowing the pages. Sounds a lot like where you live now. And it was blowing the pages, and a lot like where you live now. And it was blowing the pages and when you got to page 50 onwards it's completely blank. Knowing that

no one would ever get that far. Hawking's wager. It's true though. You know that blurring of fun and hard work. Like chess. For God's sake, chess.

I mean, it's a job. That's like a really hard job. What, relaxation? Even Monopoly for me. Yeah. That is a massive blurring of fun. What, exactly? They're just playing estate agents.

Who wants to do that? Yeah. They don't even want to do it. They did it because they couldn't do other things. It's a massive blurring of fun. What exactly? They were just playing estate agents. Who wants to do that? Yeah. They don't even want to do it. They did it because they couldn't do other things. It's work. It is. It's actually doing someone else's job. Or eating unfilleted fish.

Yes, yes. Oh, my God. How much time have people got? A little project. Yeah. Did you know the original version of Monopoly was devised as a satire? It's not supposed to be a good game. No.

It's supposed to be horrible. It's anti-capitalist. That worked, I think. I would say it's my least favourite game, with obviously Rubik's Cube not in there, because it's not a game or a toy in any way. It's science. And it's maths and all the worst things in the world in a cube.

Operation, I don't mind that. That's because you're not a doctor. Imagine how they feel. No, I think it's the joy of in the 80s. I couldn't even, my hands were shaking that much. I couldn't even hold the thing, let alone not set the buzzer off. We've heard from everyone on earth, I think. Okay.

In answer to your question. Sorry, I'm a lady. Didn't William the Conqueror say that in 1067? When the Doomsday Book was handed in. Go on. We've just had this in from everyone in the country. Okay. Baccarat saying, sorry, I'm a lady.

Yeah, but the question was, why was she sorry in the context of the song? Well, we also have that information. But well done on Baccarat. Not Burt Baccarat, by the way. This is a different person. 825 claims... Sorry, you explain. They claim...

She's sorry she's a lady because she's seen a man she's taken a shine to and she wishes she was less of a lady and a bit naughtier. Oh, so she could be the one who asks him out. This was written at a time when conventionally men would do all the running in a new relationship beginning. Which those days were back, eh? Aye.

And then Nasher of Bedford, or as he calls it, off of Bedford, which immediately makes me, when he's one of our regulars, Nasher, Nasher of old, 660 confirms this. It was sung by Bacharach. She's apologising for being a lady, as in being ladylike as opposed to of old. 660 confirms this. It was sung by Bacharach. She's apologising for being a lady, as in being ladylike as opposed to being forward. She's seen a bloke she fancies but doesn't feel able to chat him up.

I remember my manager in the... Not long after I joined my management group when I was still appreciated. You are appreciated, Frank. And he took me out for a meal and he asked the waiter to bring me the ladies menu.

Oh. So you couldn't see the prices. No, there was just loads of women in, you could choose. No, no. What are you doing? There was no prices in it because the idea of I could take a woman out and he didn't want her to be hampered by,

or of course seek out the highest prices, whether she liked that food or not. Dual use. Yeah, so I was, so that night I was glad I was a lady because it meant I wasn't paid. That's quite classy, I like that. Yeah. I bet you can't get a ladies menu anymore.

And Lord knows I've tried. I think I had to drink out of a ladies glass as well to combine the two. Okay. Once you're in the role, that's what I find. You're all of it. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Text the show on 81215. Please. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Okay.

Let me do a very quick, I don't know if you remember, but some time ago, long time ago in Bethlehem, saw the Holy Bible. Anyway, dear Frank Skinner MBE, please see included in this package a four-slider pen. You know I'm a massive fan of the four slider pen with an innovative pencil attachment as you can see from this fine piece of writer's engineering the structural integrity of the cellar tape adds a certain je ne sais quoi about this function

over form design and that was from russell croucher open brackets non-mbe and what he sent me is one of those pens with the four colors with a pencil sellotaped to it and i have to say i've used it extensively really this really works really well is the pencil sellotaped facing the other way yes flip it over yes it is it is, which is good thinking, because you don't want it to be trying to write with pencil and the ballpoint trying to get in on the act. Accidentally creating a sort of shadow. No, you don't want that.

I don't like a pushy ballpoint. No, no. As much as I love those multicoloured things, you can get one with a pencil, which I discovered you have to sacrifice the green, which I think is the current political mood since the by-elections. But with this in Russell, is it Russell?

Yeah, in Russell Crouch's method, you get the green and the pencil. Fabulous hybrid celebrity name, Russell Croucher. Do you think? Hybrid celebrity name. Why? It just sounds like it's a hybrid of so many celebrities, Russell Croucher.

I can't think of a Croucher. Peter. I mean, not by name. Oh, Peter. There's only one Crouch. Oh, I see, yes. Now, listen to this, Frank. MJM has got in touch with us.

Hmm. And it's on the theme of, you were talking about Monopoly. Is it Metro Jaldwin Maya? No, it's MJM, E-M-J-A-Y-E-M. OK? I don't know what that means. The name M? Yeah. But they've, as in the beginning of my name,

but they've spelt it using the letter M-J-M. Okay? That's what that means. Do you understand that, Pierre? I don't understand that at all. I've never been more confused. What's to understand? I understand. Can you understand this? Okay, okay. The letters M, are you familiar with the letters M, J and M? Yes. Are you familiar with the letters M, J and M? Yes.

Are you familiar with the name M, E-M? Yes. Yes. E-M, J, E-M. This is like who's on first. I don't think it really matters that much. No, I don't think it matters. I'm glad it doesn't matter.

Okay. Can I move on from here? Yes, please. Thank you. I just get this bit of blood that's come out of my ears. But you're still talking about it. Okay. Twister isn't a game, it's yoga.

How dare they blindside me with colourful circles to trick me into stretching. Well, that is, as I was saying, it's blurring the line between play and hard work. And, yeah, it is. And also, things can go wrong, I think, with Twister. I think Twister's finished. I played Twister, Frank, as you may recall.

Do you remember who I played it with? Was it Leo McKern, who played Rompol in Rompol of the Baylors? We didn't play Twister. OK. Do you remember the former, no longer with us, sadly, host of Countdown, the original host? Bob Holness? No, he was called Richard...

Whiteley. Whiteley, yes. Oh, yes, yes, Bob Holness was whatever the other thing was called. Blockbusters. Yes. I played a game of Twister with him. With Richard Whiteley? Others were present.

And he had little red socks. On his feet? Nothing else? That's terrible. That's gamesmanship. Yeah, that is. Also, when he went on the red circles, it was really unsettling.

It was just sort of like his legs ended abruptly. Yeah, he only had his tactics. He had very delicate little feet, I remember. It was a bit like a little sort of whip it in socks. Were they completely enclosed within the circle? They were. He did a chat show. There was no overspill, Frank.

He did a chat show in Edinburgh in which the guests were kept from him. Oh. And he literally used to say, who are you? What do you do? I see. So it was like the questioning you normally get on a chat show, but look, it started about four or five stages earlier than it normally does. With a really sincere edge to it.

Exactly. Why are you here? It was more like someone had turned up at his front door than on his chat show. Someone had turned on a lamp as he arrived home. Exactly. It was like that. I'll bet that often happened to him.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I also heard from Stephen the Night Porter. Oh, yeah. Hi, Frank. Some praise, which I'm holding back. I heard you talking to the week about chessboard pitches on football stadium pitches. Do you remember that? Do they still cut it like that?

And apparently they don't. stadium pitches. Do they still cut it like that? Apparently they don't. My theory is that it might interfere with VAR's judgments. So I thought I would send you my chess overs calendar.

Chess overs are generally chess board portraits but a few shapes thrown in. All the best. And he sent me one of those, and it is. It's a chessboard with a face emerging from it. Oh, right. Do you like it?

I've done a... Yes. Why did you answer like a Doctor Who villain? I was just thinking of the phrase hospital pass. I have done a man versus horse design and i've actually already got those on my radiator because they're like magnetic and they're based on the louis jessman so thanks steven the night porter do you think he really is a night porter wasn't that a a strange film called The Night Porter with Dirk Bogart. Yes.

I have an image of a pretty lady in a Nazi hat. It's nothing to do with the film. Sorry, Alan. It lingers in my consciousness. One of your other calendars. Did she say... Yeah. That'll be it.

Alan, in Malvern. Malvern, yes, lovely. This is a rather lovely missive, Frank. Morning, Frank and friends. Oh, I like Frank and friends. Frank and friends. Can you, well, I enjoy this story enormously. 26 years ago, I married my beautiful wife, Martine.

What happened? Is he going to say what happened? No. Oh, OK. We honeymooned at the Fringe Festival in Edinburgh. Whilst there, we watched an up-and-coming young comic called Pierre, no, not called Pierre, called Frank Skinner. So, as a surprise for our anniversary,

I've booked a few days up there and purchased tickets for the same comedian whose career seems to have rocketed. Well, that is lovely, but 26 years ago, so that was 1997, I don't think I was up and coming in 1997. I was...

Man, I was hot. Arrived. Hot to trot. Number one records. I mean... But anyway, thanks. Be good to see you. Frank's going to be finding the fault in praise since 1997.

That's why I read that praise, because it's never perfect. Isn't that lovely though, Frank? It is nice, and yes, that is. To be serious for a moment, now I'm still a bit resentful about the open comment.

Couldn't just, just couldn't spit it out. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Ruth Jordan. Yes. What did Jigsaw Puzzle count among Frank's list of fun things that are actually just hard work?

That question to Frank Skinner. Yes. And the worst of all ones are, you know, you actually see those white, those ones that are all white. Oh, that's just silly. As Michael Barrymore used to say. All white. I mean, that is just making something to be unpleasant in your life.

As difficult as possible. Yeah, but no satisfaction at the end of it. I remember I made a West Bromwich Albion team shot jigsaw and then had it framed. Lovely. And one of the pieces, I don't know how this happened,

sort of fell out and slid down the back of the picture. And in fact it was brilliant because it really hammered home that it was a jigsaw. Oh, sort of real and not... Yeah, but it had a pace missing. Yeah, almost like... You know the Islamic carpet designers

who usually put a deliberate fault in? Oh, the deliberate flaw. Yeah. It was like that. I love that. I've got a thousand... I only do a thousand pieces. You know I'm a jigsaw fanatic these days.

Oh, are you? Yeah. What sort of pictures are you doing? I'm very into dog breeds, obviously. Okay. And are you still rectangle or have you moved into the circular world? I don't like the circular world. Circular?

You get circular ones. There's been some innovation in the jigsaw community of which I was unaware. I think Mr. Spot used to do 3D jigsaws, didn't he? I did films of Tim Burton one recently. Did you really? No, I researched them heavily.

God, but you'd have so many pieces that have got Helena Bonham Carter on them. How do you know which one she's in? Yeah, you'd say, oh. Shakespeare's World. Oh. I go, yeah, I go quite waitrose with my jigsaws.

What do you do with them when they're done? There's a lot of, oh, I've got a spear. It's a tip of a spear I'm looking for and a blue pointy hat. Yeah. Well, I keep them up for three days. Oh. If they're on the kitchen table. Okay.

I keep them intact for three days. Okay. And... I wonder if you might photograph them the way people photograph. I do photograph them, Frank.

Fair enough. I was keeping that to myself. I was a little ashamed. No, no. I think that's a good thing to do. Would you do a jigsaw with me one day? No.

Okay. I am. I've always. What, even if it was a Doctor Who one? Well. Oh. Maybe I would. Okay.

I've always thought that people talk about how faith is dying out in modern Britain and Northern Ireland. Actually, less there, to be fair. But I think anyone who buys a jigsaw from a charity shop is showing faith above the Pilgrim Fathers to believe that all those pieces are going to be there. I mean, and to commit to go into it. Yeah. Maybe spend hours on it and then find there's one missing at least.

You're missing a crucial scraggly tree piece from your Tim Burton picture. That would be a good way to break up with someone, though. Send them the jigsaw. They have to put it together to find out and have a little message. You can make a bespoke one. Oh, God, that's one of the... So they had to go through the hard work of putting together their dumping message.

Make it a 500-piecer, be kind. Oh, yeah. What are you doing thousands at the moment? Yeah, thousands. Respect. Open brackets, mark Those brackets Chas Cook Has some advisory jigsaws

We won't talk about Chas Cook Who used to play On the wing for Chelsea Could be I don't know Okay When putting

A completed jigsaw back in the box, one should always put the edge pieces in a separate plastic bag, thus reducing the ah factor when attempting for a second time. No. A second time? I think Chas is missing the whole point. Are we going back and redoing jigsaws? Why not?

I suppose. Oh, at my age, I could do it the next day. It'd be an equally challenge. No, that's cheating, isn't it? Putting the straight ones in a separate thing. When I did the jigsaw, this is fascinating stuff. I used to build the frame first. Finish off all the straight bits. How about that?

We've also had Frank and team. One of my chores for today is to sort. They said the lies of jigsaws. I don't know if they, perhaps that's. I think that'd be a good title for a novel. The lies of jigsaws. Yeah. Yeah.

I like that one. I'd buy that and an Airport WH Smiths. Me too. Sure. My dad was once asked to think of what would be the dream title for a novel, and he said No Sound on the Beach. I think someone might have stolen that subsequently, I'm afraid. I don't know.

I saw a woman out running this morning, which is a common enough occurrence, and she was in sandals rather than trainers. No. Yeah. You can't run in sandals. I thought at first she was being pursued, but she was in sportswear, you know. I know everyone's in sportswear, but she seemed to be running, running, not just running for...

I know, yeah. I know. Listen, he... Tell me about it. I know I told. I know. Listen, he... Tell me about... I know I told you about it. This correspondent continues. Like Emily, I only do a thousand piece ones.

It's obviously a bit of a thing in our community. Bit of a thing, yeah. Unlike Emily, I keep them whole once completed for only about three minutes. I can't be sitting around

gazing on it. Straight into a freezer bag and back in the box. Wow. Freezer fresh. Do you take them to charity shops or do you just keep them? No, you keep them. I'm afraid I keep them.

Yeah. I couldn't bring myself to throw it out there. I like my children. It's a bit like relationships, isn't it? You build them and then you tear them apart and then you just put them in a sort of memory box. Once the fun's worn off. Yeah, I like to think that I got beyond

a thousand pieces. Certainly in the dissembling. Put the edgier parts in a separate bag. Exactly, yeah. This is getting a bit dark. So, let's talk about something else. Well, I wanted to talk about something else. Go on, then.

But I was just concerned that we wouldn't have enough time because the producer was waving headgear. Well, the producer waits for moments. Like I say, let's talk about something else, and then she'll wave her hands about saying, no, that's it, no. It's almost deliberate. Let's talk about sesk.

Sesk? Baby, yes, that was an Arsenal chant. Are you not familiar with it? Sesk Fabregas, one of our greatest. Let's talk about sesk, baby. It's not easy to chant sesk. No. Well, that's what they're hoping, the filthy creeps.

You know what they're like. I want to talk to you about emojis, but it's going to have to wait. Okay. Okay. It gives me a chance to look them up and see what they are. How are you spelling that? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I mentioned emojis, and I want to get into this.

Before I do, just very quickly, I'd like to share this from Pedals. Because Pedals... Okay, step on it. Oh, okay. Hi, friends. Did you know that doing regular jigsaw puzzles extends one's lifespan? I have read this. Whether one would...

It just seems like it. That's all right. Whether one would want to under those circumstances, I don't know. Oh, and by the way, Chaz the Cheetah, as he's now being called, he who puts the edges into the plazzy bags, Chaz the Cheetah should be nowhere near Jigsaws with his separation of straight edges. Love, that's from Steph on an Arabette.

All right, come on. Don't met me. Stop the car. This is the thing with Jigsaws. People get into them, they kick off, you get firms. They have their own rules.

Hooliganism. Yeah. They're still more fun than a Rubik's Cube, but what isn't? That should be a slogan. They could use that prank. So emojis.

I'm guessing you referred to the news story this week, which made an emoji a legal thing. Well, specifically the thumbs up emoji. Yeah. And when I saw this, I thought, oh, I can't wait to discuss this with the boys, because I cannot think of two people less likely to use the thumbs up emoji.

I say that because you're very sort of medieval Britain cathedrals. I don't imagine you communicate with each other in that fashion. You're more so be it. No, although something I did find interesting interesting i don't know if you saw this pier but the the the person who was i don't think he was a judge but he was um whatever they call the justice of the in australia yeah no canada was it yeah who dealt with we should say the case that a man was wanting to buy flax from a farmer. He sent the contract to the farmer and said, is that okay, then you're going to bring the flax,

and he got a thumbs-up emoji. From the farmer. And the court said that that was legally binding, that thumbs-up emoji, and so he had to pay the man for not delivering the flax. The farmer claimed he just meant a thumbs up as in, oh, yeah, I'll have a look at it. I'll have a look at the contract, thumbs up.

Yeah, I've got to say, if I got that emoji, I'd be anticipating flax. Would you? I would. You'd be getting out the sacks for the flax. I would. Everything about that thumbs up emoji said flax imminent. That's probably someone's school motto.

Flax imminent. Or a sort of futuristic American hero. No, I'm with the judge. But what the judge said, as you said on the ancient history thing, the judge said, you know, it's difficult this, because different countries even have different interpretations of what an emoji means. He said, what we really need is a sort of emoji version

of the Rosetta Stone to define exactly what emojis mean. I thought, that's good. Oh, yes. Justice. J-O-P, J-O-T-P, I suppose. What emojis mean? I thought, that's good. Oh, yes. Justice. JLP. JOTP, I suppose. JOTP. Well, and there's the interpretations.

I mean, what's used in the UK as the prayer hands emoji. Oh, yes. It's actually supposed to be high-fiving. Two different hands. Is it? Is it? Because they don't pray like that in in japan with hands together like that so it's not pretty i don't pray that way i'm sorry but i don't parade that way

i thought it was the nap killing emoji what's your worst emoji phone well the one that did the one of the first time i'll tell you what mine is i think you can guess one of the first emojis... I won't tell you what mine is. I think you can guess. One of the... There's two I hate, but for very different reasons. I don't like... I'm not sure if I can say this on air. I think I'm all right. The poo emoji? Yes.

I don't like the quiff, the tapered quiff. There's too much of the process in it. Has it got... I don't like that it's got eyes as well i don't like the tapering we don't need to know about that you don't like the sort of um mr whippy aspect no i don't like that they're trying to make it look more attractive okay to me i start thinking as i say yeah the act what else the other one is crying with laughter because i got that very early on one of the first emojis

i got as you can imagine and now if i send anything funny to anyone and they send back blah blah laughed at this mess you know that messaging game or or just as a laughing emoji, I'm pining for the tears. So I think, oh, I peaked too early. So that spoiled me, basically. You're both looking at me as if I've suddenly... You know when people come out of a coma and they speak Chinese? Do you know why we're looking at you like that? I'm going to predict, because we're both thinking,

we're mentally reversing, thinking, oh'm going to put it, because we're both thinking, we're mentally reversing, thinking, oh, how many times have I sent him that? Oh, no, I don't think you guys. Do you send me emojis? I would never send you an emoji, darling. No, thank you, darling. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Let's get back to farmer

Chris actor and his um his emoji contract non-deliverance of the

flax he lives in a place he lives in a I mean whereabouts is this

in uh it's in Australia isn't it no it's in Canada in Canada that's right

I knew it was he lives in a place the, called, the township is called Swift Current. I mean, that's brilliant, isn't it? But it's Australian flags going to Canada, to be clear. Okay. Both nations are involved. Oh, I didn't realise that. I thought it was aimed at Australians because it was the Australian newspaper.

I may have told you before that I... Australian newspaper. I knew a man, a friend of mine, who was an expert on the place names of Worcestershire. Oh. How often did you see him? I saw him on a regular basis. He's a very entertaining individual.

Caught his own hair. And said to me, hadn't spoken to his wife for 20 years, other than to say, like, where's my shirt? Or goodbye. Anyway, this is enough details about, but he was an expert on this thing. And it's the least romantic activity you can imagine, being an expert on place names. So you'd get a place that was called something like the Devil's Finger.

And you'd think, oh, I bet there was some terrible thing that happened here and someone saw this fear and it was always and he'd say now that's it's uh what's happened it was originally would have been dervinger which means muddy track and they were all like that everything was reduced to the most dull geographical feature but um so so Swift Current could be from Swethcare, which means Rocky Road. That's what I'm saying. Could be undermined.

That's how they're called Rocky Road Ice Cream then. Yeah, that's what they named it. I've been corrected by Will. What? 383. That doesn't happen often, Frank. It doesn't? PA's I've been I've been corrected by what 383 that doesn't happen often Frank

it doesn't it has been corrected it says the prayer emoji actually means sorry in Japan it's in bowing I think oh

most things mean sorry in Japan yes that's true however I hit I strike back at 728 who says

oh wouldn't it have a thumb on if you're high-fiving? And 728 seems to forget that there is not a thumb on both sides of their hand. Oh, I see, so it's yes, I understand. What they've done is they've put their own hands together and looked down and gone, yes, thumbs.

When I used to do the television panel show Room 101... oh this is never awkward yeah it's all right you know seven series it's okay um larry lamb larry lamb was on and uh he's the senior lamb isn't he oh yes yeah he's um the nazareanan the young lamb is George yeah so Larry Lamb was on and one of his choices was the high five

oh he wanted to put in the high five and we researched the high five the high five was kicking around like

in the 1920s was it it was like a jazz thing we had we got old black and white footage of people high-fiving. Really?

Gosh. So stick that in your emoji pouch. Well, Andy Wood has traced back. Do you know Andy Wood? Thanks for the tip. Okay. The first use of the emoji, back to 1648. That will be with us.

Short, more information. 1648? That will be with us. More information. 1648? Yes. Behind me. Nearly tea time. Okay, Pierre, do you want to share this? It feels very much your area. Facts. As it's very IB13, summer's old sire it's uh andy wood has shared this with us okay regarding one of the earliest examples of an emoji yes he says

way way back in 1648 the english poet and anglican cleric robert herrick opened one of his poems with the line, Tumble me down and I will sit upon my ruins smiling yet. Colon, bracket. After the word yet, he added what we all came to know as a smiley by placing a colon representing eyes directly before a parenthesis representing the smiley mouth.

Robert Herrick is gather ye rose buds while ye may. Oh. Oh, here we go. These two are off again. A little rose emoji. Someone swallowed a dictionary this morning. Oh, so there's a feeling that he invented the...

Dot dot smile. Yeah. Yeah. Shall we say it took a while to take off, as 1981 seems to be the next time it emerged from Andy Wood Bronte country. When did it emerge in 1981? Once again, poetry influential right across society. God damn it.

Well, listen. Someone just got an alert, by the way. It'll probably be one of your Doctor Whos. I don't think I got an alert. It'll probably be something like new sonic screwdriver, 10% off or something. There is a new sonic screwdriver, but sold out. Sold out day one.

Is this for the new doctor? Yeah, for the new... Does he get a new sonic? Oh, every new doctor now gets one. Do they? Yeah. What are his clothes like? Has his outfit been revealed?

I've seen his outfit. It was at a Comic-Con. It's non-controversial. It's pretty basic. Has his outfit been revealed? I've seen his outfit How would you describe it? It's non-controversial It's pretty basic It's not like a really remarkable Is it a cool suit? Yeah, I think it's I'm trying to remember

He likes a long coat when he was there previously Oh, they always love a long coat What doctor doesn't love a long coat? Well, I can name a few, if you like. Very few doctors in tank tops. The Eighth Doctor's costume came about because the office where a man was...

Which was the Eighth Doctor? Ricky Gervais. Paul McGann. He's not really a doctor, is he? Yeah. So he was planning... Someone was going to a fancy dress party as Wild Bill Hickok

and he stole his outfit that's how he got his costume did Christopher Eccleston have a long coat? was he more a leather taquito? he had a leather jacket I suppose he wouldn't call it long it might have been a bit of a bomb warmer

do you like when we talk about Doctor Who, Fank goes a bit adorably coy, like tread softly. Christopher Eccleston is Scrooge at the Olvie this year. Oh. Written by my brother-in-law, script dedicated to moi. Really? Yeah. Based on a man who became so embittered and unpleasant by getting money

that he hated everyone. That was a dedication waiting to happen. I'd love to see you taken by a ghost to, you know, Christmas has passed. This is David Padilla's house. I remember the parties. Oh, God, what about when he took me to a Jewish Christmas party and we played that? You know, the hat game they used to call it,

where you had to communicate what's on. Who am I? Yeah, who am I? And it was Mahatma Gandhi. Yeah. And I gave the best clue she could ever hear to this friend of his, and he didn't get it. And in the end, I called him a very abusive swear name.

You didn't? I'd been invited, the only non-Jew at the Jewish Christmas party, and his girlfriend started crying. I'd insulted him so badly. Oh, I know. I'm not defending his awful behaviour. And that man... LAUGHTER

..was Vladimir Putin. LAUGHTER That wasn't... Look, we were... Vladimir Putin. No, he wasn't. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Look, we've lost our way on Mikkel Borre versus Acta, which is the thumbs-up emoji legal dispute. Yes. So it was said in court, Your Honour,

that they, in the past, arrangements between Micklebur and Acta, they'd had dealings before, would often be confirmed contracts with a written YOP. So they'd get a text that said yop, Y-U-P. It seems to me the thumbs up emoji is not a massive move from that. From a yop, no, I agree.

They're operating. I hate a yop. Do you? It really puts me off someone. It's quite passive aggressive, isn't it? I don't like a thumbs up. No, I've heard that. What is wrong with you?

Also, what if you received bids from Colonel Tom Thumb, for example? Yes. And maybe the leading lady of Hans Christian Andersen, Thumbelina, you'd get your thumbs-up emoji and assume that they were going to do that. I bet they didn't consider this in court. Do you know why I object to the thumbs-up emoji? Why, darling?

It's me dating the man from Fantasy Island. I tell you why. I don't object. A lot of the Gen Zers find it passive-aggressive, apparently. Do they? Grow up!

I find it quite... I find it as passive-aggressive as if someone very slowly gave me a thumbs up to my face. Really? Oh, what? Really?

You find it... Yes, your generation don't like it. However, that's not why I object. I don't object on the grounds of my feelings. I object for a posturous reason to object. I object on the grounds of it being very poorly realised aesthetically. Oh, do you think?

Have you examined forensically that thumbs up emoji? It's one of the worst drawn of all the emojis. Is it? It's like an early draft of a Simpsons hand. It's appalling. That's because artists always draw with holding up a pencil in their thumb. So they can't do both things in a row. No, it's impossible.

Oh, that's true. I just find it tacky. It's interesting, the passive-aggressive, because there was a whole feature about how older people and younger people see these things differently, see emojis differently. And I don't know I'm sort of not anti

emoji but the idea that they're so open to interpretation that you could offend is a bit of a shocker Frank I only discovered recently the red heart emoji apparently that's a big statement

if you send that red heart emoji. Oh, yeah? That's only should be... To a vegetarian. For very, very close friends and family. There are specific ones for more platonic friendships. Like, I should be sending you a pink heart. Oh, I see.

And I should definitely not have sent my dog groomer Purple Hearts. Oh, why? Well, that's a whole other thing. Apparently it is, Frank. Oh, right. Well, in the article I read, it also said that having a handkerchief up the sleeve was seen as an archaism. Yes, I can agree with that yeah you you'd agree with it i've i've barely heard of a handkerchief up the sleeve what i've heard of one you'll be telling me next you don't carry your cigarettes and your lighter in your t-shirt sleeve i don't do that obviously

i don't have the foot the um they called? The bicep. The biceps for it. Oh, yes. This was a sort of a list of things that... What is it? Pierre's generation? Millennials. Did you say?

Yeah. Are you a millennial? I'm a young millennial. Okay. Things that they felt were dated. Is that correct? Well, it's included several emoji things and reinterpreted and then things like that.

Like handkerchiefs. Handkerchief up the sleeve. Or in your doublet. I always carry a handkerchief at all times. I come from a generation where all a woman had to drop to attract a man was a handkerchief. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I share this with you from 112?

Not another massive spliff. Hi, Frank, Emily and Pierre. I thought you might like this. It isn't quite a jigsaw, but a Lego set that I haven't yet got round to attempting. It has one 998 pieces and is a rather large Rolling Stones

tongue. I'm really going to know where to start. Also it says on the box that it's only suitable for 18 years plus and I'm not entirely sure why. I wonder why. Why is the tongue not... Let the children construct a giant tongue, would you? I love that, Whitney Houston.

Yeah. Well, may we go back, Frank, to the farmer? Yes. Because I hear he wants a wife. Chris Hector. Is he called Hector? Well, it's A-C-H-T-E-R. I'm guessing you say actor.

Oh, OK. An actor prepares, is what he says when he's putting his fertiliser down. Are you on the side of the... You're on the side of the purchaser, not the... I am. If I said, are you OK, then, to deliver the flax, which is what the base of the letter said...

But you wouldn't, cos it's not the 13th century. No, I didn't even know. I had to look up what flax was, to be honest. You do have handkerchiefs up your sleeve. I do. You could be purchasing flax at the market. Linen made by flax. Yes, and if I said, is everything okay for the flax delivery?

And I got a thumbs up emoji. As far as I'm concerned, it's happening. I agree. Really? And that's what the justice thought as well. The justice? That's what I called it. The long arm of the law gave a thumbs up as well.

Yeah, exactly. It's like some Marvel franchise. It's just a courtroom in Canada. So you said you wanted to go back to it no I was interested that that was where you'd come down on the side bit so that suggests if you were

to send a thumbs up emoji to me that would be contractually you would be contractually obliged to follow through on that if you said to me will that would be contractually, you would be contractually obliged to follow through on that. If you said to me will you marry me in a text and I sent back a thumbs up emoji. I would have split up with you immediately.

No, I think that that would That would be legally binding. Yeah. It used to be a thing. Can I sue you for emotional distress then if you didn't follow through? When I was a child there was a thing called breach of promise where you could um if you said you were going to marry someone and then you didn't they could take legal action against you you listening to this out there i remember a friend of mine um getting engaged and then he said to me I saw him a couple of weeks later

I won't say her name but he said she started going on there about getting married and stuff she said shake it like a Polaroid teacher yeah and I said

yeah well that's because you're engaged he said no but I thought the way I was thinking that was the destination that wasn't like a stop off point to marriage

I want to be permanently engaged I said maybe you should have made that point at the beginning. And he was genuinely, he said no, I've never mentioned marriage. I just said let's get engaged. Well, that's how they trick you. Is it? Yeah. Oh, that's my spine again.

Are we sort of, I don't know, I feel like I'm talking in a, like we're in space. Do you? Or do you think we sound odd? I think we're just talking rubbish, aren't we? Oh, that's alright. Are we going around? Maybe it's just me. I think it was fine until you started

giving us a critique. Sorry, everyone. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sorry, everyone. This is a nice reader for you boys. Gareth Crossman. Read Doomsday Book. It was completed in 1086, not 1067. I know, but you know what?

You get my gist, is what I'm saying. But thanks, I appreciate that unfortunately for both of us as comedians and fact lovers sometimes facts are speed bumps

on the comedy highway they are it's true if I'd have known when it was finished I would have given the correct date I just knew

it was after 1066 and I wanted to give the Normans the benefit of the doubt that they turned it around pretty quickly's very kind of you. They turned it around pretty quickly. Yeah. Very kind of you after that terrible Bayer tapestry thing. By the way, do watch when this show is over

and not a second before. Do put on England's World Cup team playing Haiti, I think, today. Haiti? England's World Cup team playing Haiti I think today Haiti Haiti

Haiti I like Haiti better but you know let's call the whole thing small island and yeah

and I believe that the official song for the Women's World Cup is sorry I'm a lady sorry I'm a lady, sorry I'm a lady. It might not be.

Directed at some of the more toxic football fans. Exactly, yeah. But really ironic. Oh, sorry I'm a lady and we won a big trophy and you didn't. Women should have sung that when they came on to the Nevermind the Buzzcocks set. As soon as they sat down, they just sing Sorry I'm a Lady. Why did they get... Oh, that was quite notorious.

Did you not know? Oh, was it? It was a few panels. Or any panel show, really, back then. Yeah. Not mine. Not yours. Not yours, I have to say.

While we're talking about the handkerchief... Obviously. That is a bit old school. It's a bit magician. That is a lady's thing, I think. I always have a handkerchief in a pocket. My mum always had a handkerchief up her sleeve. And I don't mean that metaphorically,

but she could just pull one out at any time. It's a shame the handkerchief has gone, because if you think about it... So that means you're past it, the handkerchief. Yeah, but a handkerchief is going to save the planet isn't it more than paper tissues that you just use and then throw away very possibly carrying cash also past it yeah post-covid especially yeah that's gone now yeah it's not that i think it's past it i just think it's i always do suspicious character. I saw a man once in a top people's store,

as some would call it, Harrods, and he was buying a pair of very expensive designer shoes. I think they were Louboutins. And he was peeling off these notes, £10, £20 notes. Yeah. And I thought, someone definitely suffered a lot of discomfort for you to get that money.

Oh my goodness. Something bad happened to somebody. I know, but we all make these rash judgements. Whenever I see a really muscular man, you know, in a tight T-shirt, really worked out, I always think dangerous loner. But it can't always be true, can it? Sometimes they're just CrossFit enthusiasts.

Yes, sometimes. But I think we all know that I'm a sort of 8 out of 10 with that guess. Anyway, we move to the end of the show. It's been difficult for me because I'm going to a wedding after are we going to be honest about what's happened behind the scenes my headphones put a really dirty mark on the

collar of my white shirt that I'm wearing for the wedding and so in every break Emily Dean has been scrubbing away at my collar with tremendous gusto and success. Well I wish you'd seen how bad it was before as my plastic surgeon said to me. Then you'd be appreciative.

I'd also, the producer Sarah adjusted my collar when I got in, smartened me up a bit. I'd accused her of having dirty fingers. You said you did me up a bit. I'd accused her of having dirty fingers. Like a mechanic. Because she wears black all the time. Well, she's her girlfriend now. That's because of her filthy fingernail. You've got a goth on my collar.

So I blamed her. It's been awful. And now I'm going to a wedding with a dirty collar. I mean, people talk of first world problems but really you know it's a wedding you don't want it you don't want to look like you don't care do you know what i like to think i've upgraded you from filthy to grubby yeah well that's my dream. In so many ways. It's important to have an ambition. Well, look, so that.

And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks down rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.