The Frank Skinner Show - Imperial Lather

Episode Date: April 25, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has been at Disney Land, Paris. He has come back with a crush on Daisy Duck and some nice complimentary stuff... The team discuss Alun's TV week, calling in sick and changing your name! Plus there is some strange soap news...

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website, don't text us, I'll tell you for why we're not live. This actually, this me speaking now, actually

happened on Thursday. I'm not going to lie to you. There's a lot of falsity in the British media, but not here. We're not here at the moment. Okay. Where are we, you're asking yourself? Well, if there's any burglars listening, I'm at home oiling my Thompson submachine gun. OK, good morning, Jim. Morning, Peter. Morning. Morning, Richie. Did you see, speaking of cricket, I suppose you were watching the England West Indies second test this week. I wasn't, no.

No. I think I might have been watching Millionaire Matchmaker on ITVB when that was on. Oh, OK. Is that a cross between a millionaire cake and matchmaker? So, like, very small and slim, but with toffee and the crumbly bit. Oh, that sounds good. Yeah, you've nailed it. It's exactly what I'm for, mate. Write that down.

Write that down. Maybe when Je Suites. Maybe we could sell that. I think it's never going to open. You have to accept that. One of our signature dishes. Um... No, anyway, I was watching.

You know, occasionally one sees a spelling of a name that one has been familiar with over the years, spelt in a different way, and you think, how did the parents arrive at that baby? There's a player called Craig Braithwaite who plays for the West Indies. Braithwaite, as you'd imagine, because surnames, obviously, you can't really tamper.

No. How would you guess he's spelling Craig? Well, I'm worried he's gone K. He's gone K, certainly. Has he gone K? Yeah. K? It doesn't stop there.

It doesn't stop there. Any offers? K-W. Quigig Is it Roy Hodgson was commentating Is it KR It is KR Shall I put you out your means Craig

It's K-R-A-I-G G What? Double G at the end You've double G'd it They've not gone double G I mean do these people Are they being wantonly different, or can't they spell?

Do you think he's done that? I had this conversation with the registrar when I registered my son's name, and she says some people come in and say we want to call them Samantha. And she says, how are you spelling that? And they go, oh, we'd hope you'd know. Oh. Difficult. Broken written?

I don't think so. You can't do the double G. Not even Craig David went that. And he's a rapper. Yeah. Anyway, good luck to the Braceweights if they're listening. And they will be listening. They certainly won't be reading this on microfiche,

judging by their spelling. If you're Craig with a K, double G, the I will have, it will be a little circle. Yes. Don't you think? Or a heart, maybe. You know what? On my autograph, I do a circle of the I. Oh, you don't, Frank.

I do. On the skin. I do. It's a homage to Walt Disney. It's a bit raw variety show, isn't it? Yeah, but it gives me something to do. You're so right. When I've finished writing my name,

I just think, oh, I want to top it off with something there. So that's it. Okay. Anyone who's got my autograph at home, if it hasn't got that little circle over the eye, there's a lot of forgeries on the market. There's not any forgeries. There's a big black market in my autograph.

Oh, God, that's 300 quid that I paid for that Frank Skinner signature on eBay. Turns out. Oh, yeah, it's just a dotted I paid for that Frank Skinner signature on eBay. Turns out it's just a dotted I. Do you think the person who started up an industry forging Frank Skinner's signature has also started up poetry news apps in order to make money? It's funny you should mention that, but we'll come to that later.

I will say, though, that when I wrote my first book, you have to sign, but they give you 1,000 books to sign. So I reduced it then to F Skinner. Oh, Frank, you didn't. Which I kind of like. There was something like filling in your school book. I really wanted it to have one of those stickers at the front with previous owners, and I was one of those.

You know, I told you when I got Frank Bruno's autograph and it said, To Emma, Love F Bruno. To Emma? Yeah, love F Bruno. To Emma? Yeah, love F Bruno. Oh, brackets. You know what I mean. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

I tell you something that I've come to depend on. The kindness of strangers? Non-alcoholic wine? No. I'm getting a little bit dependent. What's the word? Depensive, I wanted to say. Dependent. Dependent, thank you.

It's all right. Thank you. It's all right, Ethel, we're here. I should recognise the letters I keep getting from that solicitor in Birmingham. the letters I keep getting from that solicitor in Birmingham. But one thing I've always relied on is in the soap world, Imperial Leather. Now, you know, you're familiar with Imperial Leather. It's been around a long time. Even I'm familiar with that. I can't put a date on it, but my dad used to say to say i always remember he must have said this to me 40 times

whenever imperial leather was cropped up on the telly an advert or something he'd say that uh that should be uh imperial lather like it's like someone at the at the factory saying oh no i mean we've got all the boxes done now we'll have to stick with it like it should be on sale in one could argue it should be on sale in world world of leather yeah yeah um lush you know thank you very much you know that shop lush should that be called world of lather according to my doubts yeah it. Anyway, I'll leave these for you to chew over. But the distinct... Can you tell me the distinctive thing about imperial leather soap? Yes, can I say it, Frank?

Yes. There's a little square in the centre of it. Like an impression. That's what a sticker is. Yes, a sticker. What is that for? No, but it's impressed, isn't it? Well, it impresses me how it does. It's ind impressed, isn't it? Well, it impresses me. How it does.

It's indented, isn't it? Indented, yeah. But there's a sticker on the soap, which incredibly doesn't come off. How they manage that is beyond me. Yeah, it never comes off. No. And what happens,

and this is a phenomenon that has always fascinated me, is the soap sort of stays around it. So what you get is, as the soap gets smaller it holds its own the sticker and so you get it forms a sort of a kitten heel on the bottom of the soap right you know so it's got a base and then it's got this little narrowing it's a plinth it comes with its own plinth and you know when you put soap down it's's a bit... Sometimes I get in the shower and I'm all set for it. I can't get the soap off the actual tray. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's stuck.

And you feel such a fool. Yes. And if there's ladies watching... Well, there aren't. I have called our Polish cleaner in to help me with it a couple of times. I can tell she's not easy with it. She deliberately looks away. The way one does...

You know when you're speaking, Alan, to a woman in a low-cut dress and you have to keep that locked eye to eye thing she does that with me yeah can i say you're both very good at that thank you very much thanks for noticing and it yeah so use the soap comes in like like when when you see a plane landing when they can't get the wheels down they have to come sort of belly flop and slide along. Oh, yeah. So I've always loved the little plinth on Imperial. It keeps it above the mosh on the bottom of the plane. Yeah, it does.

Anyway, so I bought some this week. Oh, yeah. Opened it. They've removed the stickers. No. Shut up. Stickers have gone. Stickers are yesterday.

No. Imperial up. Stickers have gone. Stickers are yesterday. No. Imperial Leather now, it's just got like an embossed bit like so many soaps have got in the middle that says Imperial Leather. Is that it? Overnight with no warning? Yeah. Where's the brouhaha?

Where's the uproar? Yeah, no, I've haven't... It's the first... I'm not aware of it trending on... There was an uproar about... There wasn't a press release. There was an uproar about... That wasn't a press release. There was an uproar about creme eggs switching to different chocolate. Creme eggs?

Cadbury's creme eggs. Correct, that's the correct pronunciation. As Frank calls them. Correct, absolutely correct. But it was the one distinctive... All the soaps pretty much, you know, they meld into one another. I know I've put them in an enormous saucepan and tried it. Yeah. But that was the one different thing. I know I've put them in an enormous saucepan and tried it. Yeah. But that

was the one different thing. I couldn't agree with you more. It was a leader in its field. I wouldn't mind betting it's some sort of health and safety thing. Someone's sustained some sort of wound from the sticker corner and

It's economy drive as well, Frank. Do you think they've finally used up all the stickers? Oh, I've saved a fortune on that. They will, of course. You're right. I don't notice the price going down, to reflect this. If there's anyone out there, and don't text us today, because we're not here,

but if there's anyone out there who knows the ins and outs, there might be someone from the Imperial Leather business. Imperial Lather? Leather. Sorry, I've gone back to my dad's thing. Yeah, I'd like to know because this is not by me and to discover anything

when you're completely naked always makes it twice as bad, I think. You're vulnerable to start off with. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I went away last weekend. Yeah.

I went to Disneyland Paris. Formerly known, the theme park formerly known as Euro Disney. Yes. They've changed it. They've changed it. Yeah, it's Disneyland comma Paris now. Yes, I don't know why they changed it, but it did strike me that I went over on Eurostar.

Mm-hm. Did that used to be known as Starland Paris? Mm. I don't think so. No, because that's a pizza shop, I think. Is it? Starland Paris. They probably...

They do those starfish pizzas. I'm not sure if they're absolutely correct. No, but they're nice, aren't they? They are. Overpowering, aren't they? It's very salty. It's the anchovies.

Yeah. I like those shops where they do the Starland Pizza. They use the legs like round the end like petals on a sunflower. But some just put

one starfish right in the middle. It's laziness. Yes. So what happened in Disneyland, Connaught, Paris? One I saw actually constructed a US Marshal with, like, one of the starfish on the lapel. And they used anchovies to

make the moustache. Still hanging on to the starfish? Yeah. Well, there you go. Disneyland, Connaught, Paris, or as I prefer to call it the magic kingdom because i was told once by a friend who'd asked this is many years ago and he was with his kids and they said sir we do not allow alcohol in the magic kingdom they've changed that now unfortunately yes that they have there was alcohol there oh i've got drunk in there have you um i was to ask you if you've been there. So many times.

Have you really? In what capacity? Drunk? With my... You just woke up there. Stag do? Hen do? Imagine waking up, looking across and seeing the ears on the bedside table.

Oh. Oh, goofy would be worse. Oh, we've all had nights like that. Oh. It was various, you know, godchildren and things like that. Lovely. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I love it.

I'm a big fan. Yeah. How did you find it? Well, I just, it's very near the station. Is it? Yeah, I, uh... Convenient. I had a lovely time.

Did you? Yeah, I did. Good. I was worried, I'm not going to lie. Yeah, I, uh... Convenient. I had a lovely time. Did you? Yeah, I did. Good. I was worried, I'm not going to lie. Yeah, me too. Well, I spoke to an associate who said to me, look, when you go there, it's a bit like going to Las Vegas. You have to leave your cynicism at the door

and just go in and embrace, you know, embrace the magic. You spoke to an associate. Was this an associate from Disneyland Paris? No, no. This was an associate from my management company. Oh, okay. A person you know. A person I know, yes. Who's been there many times. I, um, I'll tell you what,

I did this, the thing, which I find myself... Is that right there? I find myself on... The thing. Yeah, that is. It's after the 1979 film. You did the thing. In, um, in hotels, do you ever get this when when you check into a hotel room, you know, it's a nice-ish, doesn't have to be great, but nice-ish.

Yeah. And there are things, and they aren't in the minibar. They're on a table. And you think, well, hold on, are they saying to me, this is yours now, this is a treat, or are they saying, we're trying to fool you into thinking this is a treat. But in fact, as soon as you've ate this, you've got to pay for it. Great area.

I came a cropper with a fortune cookie once. Did you? Yeah. They had it in a gold fortune cookie. And then I pulled it out. And then I got charged for it on the bill. What would have been great with that is if you ate it when you opened up, it's the price. It's an invoice inside the fortune cookie.

And how much was it? It should have been a lot in a minibar. About £7.95. For a fortune cookie. Oh, what a week, Alan Tan. He's been absolutely on top for it. He's on fire, Frank. Really. Look how good looking he looks today. Alan Tan. He's been absolutely on top form. He's on fire, Frank. Really.

Look how good looking he looks today. Thank you. He does. Trust me, he looks much better than he does early on a Saturday morning when he looks like he's just fallen out of... Much better time for me, grooming-wise. Well, he looks so good. We could be in a band.

We could be a band. It'd be a strange band, but... It would be, yeah. It'd be like a band that's reformed. It used to be around in the 70s. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, you were kind enough to send me a photograph of yourself

in Disneyland Paris. And it was during what I call the Chip and Dale experience. Yes. It's a bit like the Jimi Hendrix experience. Yes, except there's just two of them. And it's less ageing. Yes. It was like the Jimi Hendrix experience after he'd inhaled his own vomit. I'm missing something here.

The Chip and Dale experience. You know Chip and Dale. Not Chip and Dale. This is the problem with Disneyland Paris now. People confuse Chip and Dale. When you say you've had the Chip and Dale experience, is the problem with Disneyland Paris now. People confuse Chip and Dale. When you say you've had the Chip and Dale experience, Frank, explain what it is. I was thinking the photo was going to be Frank shirt off. Well, it says muscular men in just cuffs and collars.

Did I tell you I worked with the Chip and Dales? Worked with them all. Worked with them all. I worked with the Chip and Dales, and we were in the green room after several people, and they were still in there in their black dress trousers and just the cuffs and collar. They're still in that in the green room. And they were really looking at me, really staring at me.

And I imagined I was going to become part of some terrible ritual. And then I realised, for some reason I pictured it happening on an underground car park, I don't know why, but I realised they were actually, I was standing next to the mirror and they were just, they just kept looking into that all the time. Oh, right, it wasn't you at all. False. Now Chip and Dale are two chipmunks. Oh, okay. Do you know how to distinguish them

well has one got a slightly browner trunk than the other no their trunks are more or less identical oh what is it frank i know i was in jacuzzi with them on saturday night another showbiz anecdote i love it they were his new celebrity pals. The fur filter was thick with it. I can imagine. No, Chip has got a black nose and Dale has got a red nose. Oh. Little things. Who says you don't learn stuff on this show?

It's the little things. And what happens during the breakfast? If I'm right, the still happens. They come to you. You can't go to them. No, you can't go to them. Otherwise, they'd be mobbed. Yeah.

They're like Harry Styles. Everyone wants a piece of them. They do. I mean, I got genuine. Since I've been back, mealtimes have been dull. Yeah. Because I keep waiting to be surprised by a large animal. And it hasn't happened yet. I'll tell you what, there was a caribou on the lawn the other night. But that had come in from next door next door they've got a Canadian Mountie tableau

oh that's nice for the books they're alright not sure about it anyway I asked no yeah they still come to breakfast do they come to the breakfast it's like you know Frank you once observed about the London free sheets you can't ever go and get one they have to hand them over to you They'll come to breakfast. They'll come to the breakfast. It's like, you know, Frank, you once observed about the London free sheets.

You can't ever go and get one. They have to hand them over to you, don't they? Yes, I feel. I don't want to go out of my way to get one. That's like Chippendale. What I've dreamt of with the London, in case you, I think this is true in many cities now, but you're handed free newspapers in the street. For example, the Evening Standard.

What I've dreamt of doing is carrying a bamboo cane like you get you know you ever been in those cafes where they have the newspapers and they have like a cane like a bamboo spine holding one of those and just fitting it on the end in this or getting them to slide it on for me they have like a string on yeah i don't know what the the string's for, but you know the kind of implement I'm talking about. I know exactly what you mean. It's often available in posh international hotels as well. Is it? I don't go in many of those.

Of course you do. I was in there. As an artist like yourself, of course you do. Well, I was in the Disneyland Hotel, which was very lovely, I must say. I was in one of the Tinkerbell suites. Oh, lovely. Mm. Yeah. I have nothing to add to that. I suites. Oh, lovely. Yeah.

I have nothing to add to that. I mean, either. It was just nice. There was Tinkerbell on the headboard, Tinkerbell above the wardrobe. I stayed in the Hakuna Matata. Did you really? That was in Orlando, though.

What is that? That is from The Lion King. Oh, you know, I've never seen The Lion King. It means no worries. It's good. Is it good? I, you know I've never seen The Lion King It means no worries It's good Is it good? I like it I've never seen, you know The Lion King

You know my problem with the lionesses Oh I don't like the main, the main, mainless look Oh yeah I don't like that, you know, not quite joining in Like when people don't wear a suit at a wedding Because they want to be different Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So, I'll tell you something. I don't... I'm not one to talk about people in a lascivious way on this show. But Daisy Dock is quite hot. Well, she's got the Kardashian posterior, I imagine, hasn't she?

I said to Kath, my partner, I said, is she quite hot, Daisy? She was standing, you know, I had to say to say in hushed tone she was quite adjacent and she said you know what she is quite hot she's got like big eyelashes as you say she's got a yeah it's a lovely rear and often i find doc a bit fatty right but um in that context it's well she's efficiently zola bud for you? Well, I just thought... You know, I think we've talked to him before about how cartoon characters and that can be strangely alluring.

Oh, like Caramac Bunny we talked about. Oh, yeah. I would have said to you, I don't... I don't like to see a rabbit in make-up, after all those experiments that happened in the 70s. I can't relax with that. You know, if I see a beagle having a cigarette on a street corner,

they don't know. They don't know the past. I'm not blaming them. But to me, images go through, my blood runs cold. So, I then, the next morning, I was walking down the corridor and

suddenly Daisy stepped out of a doorway. Daisy Dock. Daisy Dock, yeah. And who do you think I meant? Was she chalet hopping? She'd been in somebody's room. I think she was coming from the kitchen or something. Well, had she been?

Why not Stan? Yeah. She'd probably just been in for a bit, wouldn't she? I think they do a plankton breakfast in one of the rooms. If they wanted to make money, they should hire her out, just for the girlfriend experience. That's what some men want, I believe. Do you think so?

Nothing funny goes on, they just want the girlfriend experience. They have a cuddle and watch movies. They're above that kind. They're sweeter than sweet, these things. They're French, though. Yeah, so she looked straight at me, and I... I mean, can you get... This is what happens when I think...

You know when you fancy someone, you're a teenager, you're all sort of fingers and thumbs and make a fool of yourself. And she looked straight at me, and I said, Oh, good morning, Daffy. Oh, no. I mean, i don't often make a warner brothers bass faux pas but oh especially not in front of a lady fancy i could see it in her eyes and i mean they were acrylic i could still i could still see that i felt honestly i felt genuinely awful about it did she uh allude no the faux pas? No, no, she was very...

She took it in her stride. Very ladylike. More of a waddle. But, yeah, but... Oh, so that was my chances completely shot with Daisy Dot, ladies and gentlemen. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, um, so that was it with Daisy Dock. See, I thought it was, uh, I know she goes out with Donald Dock. And Donald Dock, I've always liked him because I empathise. I'm a bit old to be going out. Because of your sleeping outfit, is that?

No, it's because Donald Dock is a bit of a git as well. In a way that, like, Mickey a bit of a git as well in a way that mickey is kind of a very you know lovable laid-back donald has like big tantrums and he has slight talent moments he does yeah that's what i love about him he's he's real, Donald Duck. He's quite grumpy sometimes as well, yeah. Yeah, he dallied with German National Socialism in the 1930s. I don't know if you've ever seen that short film. I think I might have.

Yeah, it's fantastic. Is it? It's something like Stamp on the Fuhrer's Face. It's a Walt Disney film. It's brilliant. It's got more puns, visual puns, on Nazism than any cartoon I've ever seen. Good morning, everyone. You can quote me on that.

If they're looking for a poster quote now. Yeah. So anyway, the complimentary or not complimentary, that grey area we're talking about in Rome, I actually asked the man on reception. Oh, yeah. I said, look, there's a cuddly crocodile on the sofa when I went into the room.

Do you think you're a spy? Yeah. I said, there's a cuddly crocodile that ticks when you press the hand palm. Did you go down to ask him this? Did you do it on the phone? We were on the same level. Oh, I'd like to have met him yeah so i said to uh so i said is that now is that a is that a complimentary um crocodile we tried to be quite

casual as well as if he really didn't care you brought up it's really weird and he said i said or um is that something i you know if if i wanted that because i said it was placed in such a position obviously my son saw it as soon as he walked in the room just wondering whether he said oh no it is uh complimentary sir oh i love it oh is it he said oh yes and i said the champagne on the side as well let's say that is a gift a welcome gift for you no and i thought i should have asked more often about the hotel room i said what about that so that velveteen sofa on the left no no that one uh but um yes well did you bring the champagne back then because you didn't bring the champagne i actually well now you brought it up i

actually washed myself with it in the bet. With Daffy Duck? Because Daisy wasn't available. Because you rarely get the chance to do that with champagne. I wouldn't waste money on champagne for personal cleansing, but I just thought, I've got it. There's a bidet. I love a bidet. My private part smelt like a lottery winner afterwards, I'll be honest with you.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Don't text us, we're sick of it. No, we're not here. We're not live this week.

Look, there was a fire. And we're not going into details. But anyway. So, no, there wasn't. There wasn't a fire, don't worry. I don't know who'd be worried, but there might be people who keep vinyl here. That's true, yeah, there could be.

I've seen vinyl here. It's back on Vogue, isn't it? Is it? Oh, God, yeah. On Vogue. People with beards in shortage. Whatever happened to them? Yeah, good question. Thanks. Um, we're, uh, we're not the only, uh, radio broadcasters

that aren't live. I've heard that. Aren't we? Grimmy, as in, uh, Nick Grimshaw. Oh, yes. Radio 1. Grimmers. The disc jockey Grimmy, as in Nick Grimshaw. Oh, yes. Radio 1. Grimmers. The disc jockey Grim. He had a sick day this week.

He pulled out of hosting his Radio 1 breakfast show due to illness. And then, a bit embarrassing for him, there was pictures on the old Instagram. Is that what it's called? I like that you called it Dinstagram. Old Dinstagram. Is it like it's called? I like that you called it Dinstagram. Old Dinstagram. Is it like a strippergram instead? Somebody turns up with a

ginster? Very like that, yeah. Everyone puts their photos on it now, Frank. Shouldn't there be a ginstagram? No, it's a wonderful idea. In which a woman who's short of money turns up dressed as a big pasty. That sounds good. As a stag do. I think I'd like that. I'd be a stag do, I'd be up for.

But yeah, he didn't go, and then he was pictured in various embarrassing party scenes on his holidays. He was smoking the sheesh. I think sheesher pipes, they're alright. It's mainly apple, isn't it? Is it? Oh, raspberry as well. This is one of the fact-finding

missions that I was on with this story. I don't really know what these sheesher pipes are do they well i used to i used to enjoy a shisha as one of the many things since i stopped smoking many things to do that are a bit like smoking in the way i do things that are a bit like drinking um and also it makes you feel a bit you know yeah rock and roll a bit broad-minded does it yeah you know because it's an eastern thing so and there used to be one of they used to be in rooms where you know the rooms where the carpets are on the ceiling you know that was kind of i mean i love that but of course now with the smoking ban you have to sit out on the street in a little little table and that was your sheesh and then you look

like you look like your your job is heating the restaurant. Yeah. You're someone that's all done by, and there's like six of you sitting outside. Keep blowing, guys. So as a non-smoker, is it something that I could get into? The sheesh? Yeah, it's like tobacco. You can get a bit skittish. Oh, really?

A little bit light-headed. But it would make me cough like smoking would, like tobacco. Is there tobacco in there? Is there no tobacco? There might be a bit of tobacco. I didn't ask too much. I didn't want to know if I was actually smoking. Do you know what? We're not your doctors, okay?

You're just going to have to find out for yourself. Okay, I don't want to get really into it because I already feel like I'm trying to pare down my luggage as much as possible. I don't want to start carrying one of those shisha pipes around with me. That is tricky. I've got an old saxophone case, that'll come in handy.

Why? Well, it's a shame to waste it. How brilliant to take out a saxophone case. I'll tell you what, why take it out? Why not put a hole in the top, have the pipe come in? Oh, there you go. It'd be useful for something. People sit next to you on the train just here. And just hear you going,

oh, Apple. I was right to buy that j apple i was right to die it's a bit business class lounge at emirates isn't it though is it what the shisha pipe thing yeah is it i've never seen it in that environment but i can't believe it oh yeah i've seen i've seen it um the thing that he got wrong grimace he there were pictures how far back are we going on this though? Well there was pictures of him He looks a bit like Mickey Mouse I don't mean that in an unkind way I wouldn't want to see those ears on the pillow next to me But his eyes and his hair combo

he has got a bit of that look Mickey Mouse, God bless him he's swarthy in appearance One could believe he was Mediterranean Mickey Mouse Yeah Where he went wrong you see is that he called in sick appearance. One could believe he was Mediterranean Mickey Mouse. Yeah. Carry on. The problem, where he went wrong, you see, is that he called in sick and then he protested too much. He went Lady Macbeth. He started posting all these tweets saying, Operation Get My Voice

Back and, oh, gutted, I can't do this show. The ill are essentially quite, when you're ill, you're quite self-absorbed. You just say, won't make it in. Can I say, I don't think it was Lady Macbeth who protested too much. Oh, did she not ill, you're quite self-absorbed. You just say, won't make it in. Can I say, I don't think it was Lady Macbeth who protested too much. Oh, did she not protest? Who protested too much? I believe it was the actress in the play, within a play in Hamlet. Oh, you're right, Frank. You're right, Frank. I just don't want to be inundated

with texts when we're not No, you're right. I stand corrected. I'm sorry about that. That's okay. I don't think any less of you for it. Don't think that for a second. He overdid it, Frank. He overdid it. Well, he sent things saying, oh God, I'm so sad about missing the show. Yeah.

It's too much. Oh, greenie. Ah, greenie. I've made a moustache of mammoth proportions. He can have that now as his ringtone. Yeah. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. So, uh... Grimmers. Mr Grimshaw. I've never met... Have you met him, Emily? No, I don't believe I have

Alan? No I haven't I think we're too old for Grish Well I was shocked to see that he was 30 though, I thought the whole idea of Radio 1 there, yeah I think his parents might be shocked to see he's 30 as well but that's another story Oh okay, really? Yeah but I thought even 30

even benefit that he's out 30 I thought they had a sort of Arsene Wenger policy at Radio 1. If you go to 30 you're out. It's a young man. It's a young man station. He's going to be on a one yearly contract proving himself every 12 months. It's time when you're thinking about Radio Topshop.

He goes to 30. It's a good thing he's not 33. It is. Imagine how that would be. Yeah, but I saw his holiday snaps. Well, you call them holiday... Put it this way. They were very different to the ones you sent me

of the Gyp and Dale experience. Well, yes, it's true. It was him on a couch lying supine, sort of Jeremy Kyle supine. Sue Pollard? Yeah. With Henry Holland. Oh, Daisy Lowe, she was in them. Sue Pollard? Yeah. With Henry Holland. Daisy Lowe, she was in them.

Daisy Lowe was there. Lots of very... Jeremy Clarkson was there. I don't think so. Yeah, he was. He was over there in Istanbul. Joseph Clarkson? Yep, he was there.

He wasn't on the same holiday, though, was he? Yes, he was. Are you serious? It was the opening of Soho House in Istanbul. Oh, God, because it sounds like a clerical error. I like that you said... No, that was the Reformation. Do you know what I like?

Frank said lots of very attractive people, and I then said Jeremy Clarkson. Well, the pictures, I didn't see him in any of the pictures, Clarkson. No, he's avoiding the pictures. I could see the chef's feet four inches off the ground being held against a wall. No, but they did look... There was a lot of, like, young, pretty...

Oh, yeah. Happening people. Yeah, Grimmie and Daisy Lowe and... Oh, I thought you were going to say Daisy Duck. No, thanks. That's the difference between me and Grimshaw. I was away with Daisy Duck and he was away with Daisy Lowe. Professor Green, Frank.

Professor Green? Yeah. Yes, another one of the, less pretty, but, I mean, cool. Good at maths problems. Is he? Yeah. He's a professor, isn't he? Is he a professor? Um, I don't think. He's not. He's not green. I've seen him. He's not green or a professor. No, he's all talk.

I looked at it and I thought to myself, well, as long as they're not doing drugs on that holiday. Because if I thought for a second they were doing drugs, I mean, I would view them much more sternly. As I know in my heart that they couldn't possibly be because they're in the public eye, I thought, I gave them the benefit of the doubt,

and I thought, well, they're just young people out enjoying the South on holiday. High on life. Is it that different from when I went to Eastbourne in 1971 with my mates? Is it that different? It's quite different. There was no one like Daisy Lowe. There was a woman, I remember, who looked a bit like Arthur Lowe. But, you know, it's a couple of drinks.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about Nicholas Grimshaw. Nicholas. So I looked at the picture of them on holiday, all these young, cool, pretty people. And it did strike me, I doubt there's anyone in this picture who has fallen victim to the poetry news update scam.

I think that I can safely say they've avoided. It's an interesting, because I suppose somewhere deep in me there must be a bit of jealousy they're young you know and they're successful and they're attractive but you know my whole life I've been what I would describe as a weirdo

loner, I've never had a glot of friends, I've spent a lot of night in on my own, I've been to the cinema a lot on my own, I'm that person who sits in the theatre during the interval reading the programme on their own. It's just the way life's turned out for me, and it's fine. And some people might feel there's an air of tragedy to it,

and then you look at a picture like that and you think, you know what, I'm one of the lucky ones. Because I don't think I'd be happy with that group. I don't think I would, Frank, to be honest. Really? I thought, see, you were part of that group in a way. Not now so much. Thank you very much. No, but I mean, you, to be honest. Really? I thought, see, you were part of that group in a way. Not now so much. Thank you very much. No, but I mean, you know what I mean?

You were cool and young and... I was pretending. Was you? I wanted to be... Maybe they all are. I wanted to be sitting in the theatre with you reading the programme. Well, I wish you had been. Because there's very little in those programmes.

There's adverts for things like the new Mazda. Yeah, thanks to a lot of sponsors. But you see, that's what I think. I think half those people probably don't want to be there. Do you honestly believe that? Yes, I do think that. But people must look at that photo. Those people are very boring, Frank.

Half of the people don't want to be there, and the other half are male. Is that what it is? They look sweaty as well. I mean, I know it's hot out there. A lot of black they wear, don't they, these types? The trendy types. Yes.

In the heat. Well, he had a T-shirt on which I thought was borderline blasphemous. We won't go into that. He was doing the, I don't, it was the sort of that V sign they always do now. And I always think you're drunk if you're doing that. It's like a reverse V sign, yes. Yeah, they do the reverse V. It's not a Harvey Smith, as we used to call him.

Good reference. That's why I wasn't invited. Because I know Harvey Smith is. I don't get the Harvey Smith reference. And that's why I'm not invited, because I know who Harvey Smith is. Harvey Smith was a show jumper who once gave an old-fashioned V sign. In front of the Queen, wasn't it, Frank? To the timekeeper.

I don't know if the Queen... No, she was there. She was present, wasn't she? The Queen, I think, is at every equestrian event, at least in spirit. Yeah. But yeah, so people called it doing a Harvey Smith. Oh, God. Emma Hoveler said it's been mentioned on this show in 2015.

In reference to a Nick Grimshaw story, yeah. Anyway, it wasn't like I turned down the invite to go. I wasn't asked. I didn't like it when Grimmy he tweeted and he said I've lost my voice. It's the most upsetting thing to happen to a man like me. I didn't like the use of a man like me. Does he mean a man who

is a wordsmith by trade? If he did mean that, he's made a terrible error. I think he meant I'm a gregarious type. I've never heard his show. He's popular, isn't he? I think he's an aspir's popular, isn't he? Yeah. I think he's an aspirational character, isn't he?

Yeah. It's that people think, oh, I wish I lived like Nick Grimshaw. Especially at that age. Yes. Well, he's held on well. He's still got it. You see, I mean, you're teasing me with this. I can't, I know we shouldn't, we shouldn't.

It doesn't matter, doesn't it? It's only numbers at the end of the day. Yeah, true. I've often thought that. I agree. Speaking as a 21-year-old, I agree. I'm going to speak as a 21-year-old. Earlier, isn't he?

What's that age when you start saying, you know, when... That's about 14, isn't it? Yeah. Various. I mean, mine was a lot more muffled Obviously because of the gas mask You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast

From Absolute Radio Want your Frank fix a little sooner Listen live every Saturday from 8am On Absolute Radio Across the UK on digital radio Mobile apps and in London and the South East On 105.8 FM Absolute Riding Owl

You know what it is now? Yes, it's Email Corner and where do I begin to tell the story that is older than the sea? How old is the sea? That's this morning's text. Oh, no, don't text him because we're not live. I haven't got text today.

I know we sound live. Such is the nature of recording. Al, do you want to do the first email? Would you like me to? Yeah. I can do that. Al, do you want to do the first email? Would you like me to?

Yeah. I can do that. Hi, Frank, Divine Miss M and Lecoq Sportif. Since hearing the Henry VIII mnemonic on your show a couple of weeks ago... No, we should explain that, shouldn't we? Can you remember what it was? Oh, is it All Boys? It's something about... I'll see if I can find it here.

I wrote it down. Something about please come. All Boys Please. All Boys Should Come Home Something about please come. All boys please. All boys should come home please. Should come home please, yeah. It is the six wives of Henry VIII. All is arrogant, B is Berlin, S is Seymour, etc. Etc, etc.

So yes, it's a helpful mnemonic. Since hearing the Henry VIII mnemonic on your show a couple of weeks ago, I have become rather addicted to them and I have found one that I think Frank might like. It goes as follows. How to punish bad Daleks before many million earthlings truly see clearly.

Wonder how quickly Frank can get this one. In case he doesn't get it, do you want me to... Yes, go on. The answer is the surnames of all the actors who have played the Doctor in chronological order. Oh, that's clever. Hartnell, Troughton, Pertwee, Baker, Davison, Baker,

McCoy, McGann, Eccleston, Tennant, Smith, Capaldi. Oh. Not sure if this email will get read due to the fact that Doctor Who rarely gets a mention on this show. Indeed. Yeah, right. That's Michael in Doncaster, we should say. Oh, yeah.

I have a slight problem with this. Uh-oh. I know what it's going to be. There'll be some technicality about Paul McGann. It's not really a technicality. The fact is it goes McGann-Eccleston. Does it not? Yes, in this.

Yes. Bit of a problem with that. Is's the other way around no it's the right way around but there's another one in between john hurts war doctor was in between mcgann and does he count as a doctor oh yes he's still a doctor i'm afraid so so they're gonna have to make those earthlings hungry hairy yeah um horny horny horny earthlings hungry, hairy. Yeah. Horny. Horny, horny earthlings. Yeah. Yes, they could do that. So what a shame, after all that trouble, it's wrong. Yeah.

It's not a shame, it's just a quick amendment we've made. With the addition of horny, everything's fine. Okay. I find. Yeah. In life in general. Yeah, that's one of my rules. Do you remember Wackoff's Wackoss is 1, 2, 3 horny, horny, horny? I love that.

It was a playground game. Do you remember it? No, but I remember the song. Oh, do you? I'm horny, horny, horny, horny. No, it wasn't. It was earlier than that. I'm on about when I was at school. Wackoss is Wackoss is 1, 2, 3 horny, horny, horny. You used to have to... It was

a cross between Le leapfrog and, well, torture. You used to jump on kids' backs, but you didn't jump over it. You'd just stay there until they couldn't take the weight of it anymore. Do you know what? I'm increasingly convinced that I wouldn't have made it out alive of a Birmingham playground. Oh, come on. I wouldn't. You'd have charmed your way playground. Oh, come on. I wouldn't.

You'd have charmed your way out of it. I would have. What about that time that dog ripped your skirt off? I know. That's what I always think of. I say always. I just mean most mornings. No, that was really.

Don't you ever imagine that Jed would, when they're on their own, play leapfrog? Yeah. I imagine they're obsessive. Absolute. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about a mnemonic sent in by one of our readers. I know someone's going to come up and say,

well, you know, you could argue that, but you couldn't. It's definitely, John Hurt was a doctor. He covered a large part of the Time War. Well, we're not going to argue with you. How many episodes was he the doctor? One? Well, you could argue two. He appears in one and then he's featured in another. But we don't know how long he was the doctor.

Feet Rihanna, Feet Hurt. I mean, he might have been the Doctor. For all we know, there might have been 30 years of Hurt. Yeah. Oh. But we don't know. Imagine writing a lyric like that. I was in...

I do think that's one of the greatest ever lyrics. Thanks. I was in... He's a shy guy, doesn't he? I was in a lift with John Hurt. Did I tell you this? It's the only time... I've worked with them all.

I've ever been in a lift and really wanted it to get stuck yeah i thought if it gets stuck i can just say right we're never going to talk about doctor who oh god i don't want to know too late you're going to be oh come on i mean i didn't come here from there not using michael winner impression so much these days, is he? Just a bit of a tweak. But anyway, I'm up for a mnemonic if anyone wants to send us... Naughty Elephant Squirt Water's the only one I can think of that I use. Oh, let's work it out, Frank. You could do it.

Naughty Elephant N-E-S-W. North, East, South, West. Yeah, there you go. I find that's fairly easy to remember. Those ones are really easy, yeah. Yeah, I don't think... Ooh, north, south, east. Oh, what's that other one?

You still did it in the wrong order then, though, didn't you? What's that? But I can picture them. Well, can you? Yes. See, I think I used naughty elephant squirt water before I could picture them. I think that was how I learned it.

I think that sounds like one of your adult videos. Never eat shredded wheat was the other one that the people did, wasn't it, for the same thing? Yeah, can we say that we're not suggesting that you shouldn't eat shredded wheat was the other one the people did wasn't it for the same thing yeah can we say um that we're not suggesting that you shouldn't eat shredded wheat i'm just trying to remember when they have whether they advertise with us or not i'd be furious if i personally don't but other people do so okay in the interest of balance um yeah can we have a more pro-shredded wheat one, to balance that out. Um... Actually, eat shredded wheat. Um, nice, nice,

nice people. Nice, nice kind of people. Never evade shredded wheat. Yeah, very good. Thank you. Very good. Thank you very much. Never erase. Does that make up for my mistake earlier with, uh, the Lady Macbeth? Oh, no. I felt really awful about that. Don't feel bad about it. No, but my boyfriend's really clever. He knows everything. What if he dumps

me when he hears that? Can we edit that out? Can we vote if we edit that out? But you know what? If that happens, I think you'll be more sinned against than sinning. If I vote it out. Also from Hamlet. Oh!

Will I get... I think you'll find that's from King Lear. You're right! It is. Oh, my God! Thank you, King! Thank you. And in a way, you're off the hook again now, aren't you?

Because now I'm the biggest. I feel so much happier. What a fool. What a fool I've been. Okay. Everyone's made like a sheik has made a mistake today. I know, it's like unbelievable. Oh my god, we've all done it.

Frank, swat over there. Frank will never make a mistake. That's the problem. But the thing about the clever boyfriend is saying, you know, one could argue I'm a clever boyfriend, but you don't, you don't, that's I'm a clever boyfriend, but you don't... That's not what love's about, is it? You see?

I don't want clever conversation. I don't want to work that... That's made a lot of people at home feel a lot better. Absolute Radio. Frank a lot better Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We're in email corner Can I say on the subject of mnemonics Yes

We'll lay off the Shakespeare stuff now I don't want to milk Shakespeare But is there such a thing stuff now. I don't want to milk Shakespeare. But is there such a thing? There must be a technical term for a sort of a reverse mnemonic. Because my dad, whenever we saw, I know I've

quoted him previously this morning, but whenever we saw a contents page in a book and we didn't have that many books in the house as a child, I'll be brutal with you, but whenever we saw a contents page, you'd always say to me, ah, cows ought not to eat nasty turnip skins, which is a way of remembering how to spell contents. Isn't that a bit north, south, east, west, though? Who doesn't know how to spell that?

It's not tricky, is it? And the other thing was, I think I finally said to him, you know what, I'm all right with contents. And he said, hold on, what about spelling it backwards, though? School time never ends till nine o'clock. I said, look, I've got contents. I'm across it. I don't need two right way and reverse ways

of remembering how to spell contents. It's absolutely... Anyway, we caused a bit of a stir, but we got over it. The content settled. Oh, lovely. Yes. Frank, what about with the index when you once wrote... Didn't you write in a book where David Baddiel's name was mentioned?

Well, I bought David Baddiel a book about alternative comedy. And this is something I'd seen, I can't remember who the guy was. Sunshine on Pat, it wasn't that, but yeah. I'd seen it as an American writer who did it to a friend. But anyway, what I did, where in the index, where is that David Baddiel's name? I wrote hello. Of course, he went straight to it.

And there it was. It was rather fine, I must say. Are we ready for the next email? Let's do another email. Okay. I'm writing from Charlottesville, Virginia. Charlotte, that sounds brilliant, doesn't it? Imagine living there.

That's cool, isn't it? I'm going out to Charlottesville, Virginia. You want to come with me, stranger? Who is this? Oh, sorry, wrong number. Pardon? Who was it, Paul? It's some old time, like a Wild West old timer.

It's the wrong number. Are you coming back to bed? I will, it's just old time, like a Wild West old timer. It's the wrong number. Are you coming back to bed? I will, it's just unsettled me a bit. Hang on, are you in a civil partnership? Who's Paul? No, I'm Paul. You're coming back to bed. Well, I don't understand.

Who's the cast of characters? You're Paul. Who's the other one? Look, never explain. I never explain my theatre work. Wasn't Kyle the guy that you used to have living with you, was it? No, no. I like how he has a body of theatre work now

that he never has to explain. He was one of my... He met my gays. I said, have you met my gays? And Kyle was one of those. I sponsored three young homosexuals. Mainly, you know, dancing and things. Oh, God, they could dance, though.

Do they wear the cuffs as well? They didn't wear... No, no, I released them at the weekend. Oh, how did we get there? I don't know. Charlottesville, Virginia. Shall we go back to Charlottesville, Virginia? Shall we?

We'll go after these messages. OK. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Don't text us.

Gone off it. No, we're not live today, I hate to admit it, because I think radio should basically, in an ideal world, be live. Yeah, but isn't this lion lovely? Oh. Lion. Oh, yes. I think you said lion.

You see, that's what I thought. Oh, God, where are we supposed to be? Nairobi. Is it be? Nairobi? Is it the old Nairobi scam? Yeah, we're still in Charlottesville. Oh, yeah, an email corner. OK. Charlottesville, Kentucky, is it?

Virginia. Virginia. This is from... That's Virginia. Virginia. What's that? Take me home. Country roads Okay

That's all we're allowed to sing before we have to start playing for it, isn't it? I'm writing from Charlottesville, Virginia and I thought I would write to tell you that there is a pub here called St. Martin's where regulars can get pewter mugs to keep at the restaurant Now, this is a bat reference

to something I mentioned a few weeks ago that people, I don't know if it still happens but when I mentioned a few weeks ago, that people, I don't know if it still happens, but when I was a young man, people used to keep a pewter tankard, or mog, whatever you want to call it, behind the bar, and when they went in the pub, they'd always have their own tankard. Nice.

Does it still happen, Alan? You're still in touch. Well, Charlottesville, Virginia, it appears to still be happening. But does it happen in Manchester? I don't really go out that much. I'm quite antisocial, so, I mean, I could. You're not with Grimmers the weekend? No. No.

Yeah, maybe it happens in Istanbul. Now your telly curry has gone through the roof. Things will change. You'll find. I like the rest of the email though so um so bridget continues a person can put a personal saying on the mug i like a person yeah uh personal saying and numbered on the bottom so the restaurant staff know whose mug is whose an added thing is that you have to be invited to get a mug basically be nice to the staff and the regulars and you'll get one

see that's how i think the world should work. If you're nice to people, you should get stuff. That seems like... I agree. That would be a nice way of going through life, wouldn't it? You just say nice things to folk and then you get things. I think that does happen in life. You think so?

Yeah. I like the use of folk, quite George W. Bush. Yeah, well, that's what I'm like. I'm very similar to him. But when he says mog, is it he or is she? It's a she, it's Bridget. Bridget, when she says Mog, does she mean tankard, though? I think so.

Yeah, I think she... Maybe it's an Americanism. It's American corruption. Let's say tankard, then. Sorry, that accepts people. Who gets the blame? Tankard-ins. He's having one of his Donald Duck turns.

That's a Mog-ins joke. I know, I got it, Frank, I'm sorry. Just never ride through it like that again. What would your personal message be? Well, you know, there's some... I'm going to say, there's men that you see sometimes in T-shirts that say, if found, please return to pub. Oh, yes.

And they basically mean, like, oh, I'm going to be so intoxicated that I'm lost. Take me drunk, I'm home. Yeah, that sort of thing. Well, I think if I had a mug in the pub in Charlottesville, Virginia, I think I would like it to say on the bottom, if found, please return to pub. Oh, that makes sense.

Yeah, it makes sense, finally. That makes sense, that's a good one. That phrase finally makes sense. That makes sense, I've gone and choked on shit. You don't, but my thing does. What do you mean, it makes sense? That makes sense. What do you mean, it makes no sense? That makes no sense. What would your personal message be?

Well, I think it would have to be from... Oh, I hope I get this reference right. Okay, I'm sure you will. Rudyard Kipling's If, Frank. Oh, my God. Am I right so far? I know what it's going to be. What is it, Frank?

Is it if you can talk with crowds and keep the common touch? Walk with kings nor lose the common touch. Oh, okay. Walk with crowds... Oh the common touch? Walk with kings nor lose the common touch. Oh, OK. Walk with crowds. Oh, you got one wrong. Yes, Al. No, same poem, though. You're right, Frank.

Yeah. Still wrong. I'm accepting it. It's one each. I'm kippling, who I love. I kippled only this morning. Oh. Yes, I think I'd probably go for death to all skinheads.

It's a sort of a multi-purpose saying, which has stood me in good stead over the years, I must say. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's quite late on in the show for us not to have mentioned celebrity chef Gino De Campo. He's one of to have mentioned celebrity chef Gino De Campo. He's one of my personal favourites. Gino De Campo.

Oh, I love him. What's that mean in translation? Yeah. OK. He's a bit of an... He's a sort of effervescent character, isn't he? He is, he's bubbly, yeah. Oh, he's bubbly, all right.

He's someone... You can imagine being sat next to him in a restaurant, you'd hear a lot of his conversation. You know those people where you think, I'm not sure if I imagine being sat next to him in a restaurant, you'd hear a lot of his conversation. You know those people? Yes. Where you think, I'm not sure if I want to be next to him in a restaurant. Well, I'll say this, though. I've met Gino De Campo. Oh, yeah.

Over the mall. And he's a handsome chap, for a starter. Very slim. Oh, svelte. My God, though, he was, he had, you know when people now, the modern people, they wear those very... He looked like he'd got Warwick Davis' jacket on. Oh, yeah. He had a very small jacket on. Now, that is Daniel Craig's fault.

He started that vogue with his suit. Did he really? But it was even smaller than that. You know when you get that sort of monkey arms? You know when you see a chimpanzee in a suit jacket? Not as often as you used to, I appreciate. But they've got quite a lot of forearm. He's had that kind.

But he was very nice. He's meant to be nice. I'll be straight with you now. As you say, I've worked with them all. And I find the people at that end of the celebrity spectrum are generally nicer people. Walk with kings, nor lose the common touch. Yeah, but I mean, I think the big stars,

I think the damage to the personality at the epicentre is, you know, they're almost, they're rubble. Their personalities are just rubble. Can I ask you a question? Does it always happen, the damage to the personality? Not always, but it's very hard to avoid, I think. Whereas the people on the outskirts, they've only got periphery damage.

So often, you know... Collateral damage. If you have an evening with, let's say, Wincy Willis, she can be a lot of fun, you know. An evening with Richard Gere can be hell on earth. So I've heard. Anyway, carry on. I get someone's character being reduced to rubble.

Well, celebrity, you know, fame. Fame at that level. Yes, it's somewhat corrupting. Anyway, Gino, apparently untroubled by that level of fame, I think it's fair to say. He is, however, very welcome as a guest on Loose Women.

Yes. But he was told recently, he was warned that he was not to kiss the presenters. Yeah. He was banned from kissing the presenters because they said it wastes time. Well, that's why we stopped having guests on this show. Because of me?

I was going home, I was... I was exhausted. My collar was sodden from saliva. Oh, right. That was just when David Essex came on. Yeah. I shouldn't have said hold me close. He misunderstood me.

No, I think that's fair enough, isn't it? Well, if you think there's four of them, the ladies, are there four or five? Yeah, four ladies. Two kisses each. You probably watch that, don't you? Four? So that's... Well, it's eight, isn't it? I think there's four so that's well it's eight i think that's

four yeah yeah both cheeks you mean we're not kissing it's a lot of it is a waste of time it is but then again it surprises me that daytime television of all places is a place that thinks hang on we need to keep every moment precious i thought it's daytime television is about wasting time isn't it? Since when were they so on task? They should have said, can you kiss all the presenters? And then can you do hearty handshakes? And then the crowd, and then we'll start the chat, yeah?

Well, I think loose women trundles along, doesn't he? I mean, I've been on it two or three times. I've never kissed any of the presenters. But, you know, I don't want to get drunk by osmosis. LAUGHTER of the presenters, but I don't want to get drunk by osmosis. Right! Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

One thing I don't like about the Kiss on the TV show is I resent the lie. I don't like it when they come and go, Hi! When I know they've seen each other ten minutes before. I'm no idiot. I'd rather they didn't do that. I would appreciate frank skin or honesty. Although I do find myself doing that.

Do you? For example, on Room 101, I'll say, you know, thanks for coming. Even when they just walk out in the warm-up bit, I shake their hands and stuff. And I've just been talking to them two minutes before. Yeah. Oh. I don't like it. I'm sorry shake their hands and stuff, and I've just been talking to them two minutes before. Yeah. Oh, I don't like it. I'm sorry.

I've let you down, I've let myself down. I liked it when Janet Street Porter said that she was glad that he wasn't allowed to give her a kiss, and she said, I wouldn't have liked it anyway. I liked it anyway. It's really childish. Yeah. It's like a kid going, I like it on the step anyway. It's like I never fancied him anyway

when someone dumps you I bet she was already offering a cheek when he walked out Terrible What about the kiss though? I agree with them I think it is One of the things on radio that really gets on my nerves

If you ever listen to radio phone-ins It's when people come on We've got Steve on the line now. Hello, Steve. All right, Pete. You all right? Yeah, I'm all right. Thanks.

How are you? No, this all right. How are you? Just dead air. They're not doctors, these people. They've no idea. It's guesswork. But I just think, don't ask.

Don't. And don't encourage it. If they say, all right, Steve, you all right? Just move on. Yeah, but that's because you'll see if you're all right, just move on. Yeah, but that's because you see any conversation that's not funny as a missed opportunity. You could be packing that with material. Well, it's just we don't, what does it mean, that conversation? Yeah, but that's why you get angry when we go for brunch.

And sometimes some of the staff will discuss, oh, what are you doing tonight? You're going to the cinema. Oh, what are you eating? I say, what are they talking about? They'll talk about things like jumpers. That's what they'll talk about. And, you know, I haven't slaved over the years, worked my fingers to the bone to see what people are talking about jumpers.

Oh, I see. Okay. Anyway, that's got that out of the way. Oh, dear. He's changed his middle name to Sheffield, hasn't he? Gino De Campo. Why has he done that? For a television show. For Liberty Juice, he went on. He's changed his middle name to Sheffield, hasn't he? Gino De Campo. Why has he done that? For a television show.

Celebrity juice he went on. He's after free knives. Maybe. Yeah, I suppose they'd help with the chefing, wouldn't they? Maybe he had a night out with Sean Bean. 100% blade. Is it a pun on Sheffield? Chef.

Chef. Oh, Frank! I don't think it is. No, I don't think it is. I think they just picked it. Who picked it? The audience of Celebrity Juice. Oh, Frank! I don't think it is. No, I don't think it is. I think they just picked it. Who picked it? The audience of Celebrity Juice. Oh, was it?

He was on the show and they read out four names, I think, place names, and they said whichever one got the loudest cheers, he'd have to change his middle name to. And they brought... I mean, they said lawyers came on. These are Celebrity Juice lawyers, so, you know. But, yeah, apparently the documents... Probably not taking a break from the Leveson inquiry to come and do the...

I think they're more Mr. Loophole, aren't they? Yeah. That sort of a lawyer. Okay. But his middle name's surely Dee. The deed is done. Surely his middle name's already Dee. No, I think that's it.

Do you know Dee Ocampo? Like, he's got a... Like, I'm Alan Dee Cochran, if I wanted to be. I could add that, couldn't I? Is he Olive Dee? You know there's white, couldn't I? Is he Olive D? You know there's white D and black D? The Mediterranean version. My mate worked with a bloke who was called Darth Vader.

He'd been changed by Deep Pol. No. And he said to him, he said, so are you a big fan of Star Wars? He said, not really. Star Wars, David? Yeah. He said, not really.

He said, the kids. It's not a war, is it? Yeah. He said, not really. He said, the kids like it. Oh. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I got something of a surprise this week when I turned on my telly box. Oh, yeah? My goggle box, as I believe our Keith calls it. Oh yeah? Oh yeah. Who should turn

up? But only the old cockerel. Yes. On Hignify. He does do telly. He does but he didn't say, he didn't advertise that he was going to be on. No he never told me he was on that. I only know from the fact that I was texted

obviously I was in Disneyland they don't show it there. Yeah. know from the fact that I was texted. Obviously, I was in Disneyland. They don't show it there. They didn't. And I got texted by Emily Dean saying, Oh, Alan was so good on Have I Got News For You. It was a lovely moment. Well, that sounds like a nice version of a text. I mean, I was camping whilst it was being broadcast. Do you know the camping?

Do you know the camping? I was... Do you know the camping? Oh, OK. And my wife got a text from a friend of ours that said, beyond excited to see Alan Zon, have I got news for you. Oh, wow. Not enough, though, is it?

No. Beyond excited. It sounds to me like... There needs to be a follow-up text of... Oh, yeah. He's really being funny on it. That's the John the Baptist test. You're waiting for the Messiah to arrive then.

That's the equivalent of when someone says to Frank, oh, I hope you enjoy the tour. Yes, exactly. Oh, I'm glad to. Or, you look like you're having fun tonight. Shut up. Get out. Get out!

Go. Go. Right. Now right out. Right out. You see, I understand the psyche of talent. I'm glad to speak to people that understand that. Yeah, but this, but this is a...

I said the right thing, didn't I? I know, but it was to me. No, but I said it to him as well. I know, but it was, the fact that it came to me suggests a certain sincerity. Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah. Not something you'd associate with me often. I also should have staggered a walk. I was walking my daughter into the school

and a guy that works in the shop round the corner went, did I see you on Have I Got News For you? And I said, yeah, last Friday, but me and my daughter were already at a certain pace where I couldn't break my stride to then hear, well done on it by the way, so I'd already gone, so that's it, there was no closure, just, have I seen you on Avagant News for you? And I went, yes, and that was the end of the conversation. What about when that cab driver, I was walking down the road and the cab driver shouted, That was the end of the conversation.

What about when that cab driver, I was walking down the road and the cab driver shouted, you're funny. And I've never, to this day, I never know whether it was extremely, whether it was a swear word, whether it was not. Not remotely. I honestly thought about phoning the company and describing them. Has he ever mentioned Frank Skinner?

What's he think generally? Any idea? Oh, God, he plagued me for weeks. Anyway. Anyway. Frank, I got so much I mean, it was a full-time job dealing with Twitter, the Twitter inquiries and comments. I've got a few here I'd like to share with you

if that's okay. Go on, please do. Oh, yeah, okay. Emma. At Emma, I believe she's called. I thought this was from Frank Bruno to you. Love F F Bruno. Emma said, hot and funny. Woo hoo.

It was roasting in there. I think, as the other guest was John Prescott, we can be fairly confident she meant you. I'm just perspiring. Keith said, handsome, isn't he? Hashtag man crush developing. Ah. I know what

Alan's thinking. Not so much about me being nothing about me being funny in that one. I'm not getting to these, don't worry. Sybil Disobedience said, Cockerel just dropped the F-bomb and I've never been more aroused. Whoa. It's like Kim Sears all over again. Do you know Kim Sears?

Thanks for the tip. It's all right. Rusty Milkman said... Okay. That jacket, it's a good job he's funny. Now, I think that's okay because you're funny. That's okay, yes. I mean, okay, so the tailor got a bad review,

but you got a good one. He went very French exchange student. Who did? The better attire. Yeah. The better attire. He went very French exchange student. Who did? The Breton Tire. Yeah. The Breton Tire. My club, Rowan. It's interesting, the Jackie.

It was very... Here we go. It was sort of off-duty young Winston. Here we go. You know when he's in Africa in the desert and he undoes the tunic when they're relaxing in the evening with the billions and a glass of brandy. It's that kind of look.

It's a Jackie I've never seen in the studio,'s put it that way it's for best it's too light a color to wear for everyday wear isn't it it's staying up what do you think tan did you buy it especially no did they buy it for you to no okay stick around that's when it gets good corduroy it was we'll see it was a light corduroy. Why are you so obsessed with the jacket? I thought it was a lovely jacket. It was a lovely jacket. One so rarely sees corduroy on panel shows.

Can we say the jacket was nice, you were also very funny. If I had said to you, I'm going to watch Have I Got News for you tonight, one of the people's going to wear corduroy, you'd have put a grand on his lop. Turns out to be Cochran. Come on. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Oh yes, so I watched it anyway. Did you watch it on the catch-up? I watched it on, yes, Tomato Catch-Up. Don't watch iPlayer when you're over in Disneyland, comma, Paris. Oh, The Chargers. No, I had no time for television television i was out with the boys and the boys donald dunk yeah he means

chip and dale oh i went on some rides i took buzz i hope they went on a follow the bear night out frank was the only one not in costume i did um i did 22 rides in a day no yeah shut up a world record was it a world record that viagra it's amazing no no i did i did i made one mistake i made i took i took bars on pirates of the caribbean oh yeah i've been on that right so it's a bit for for a two-year-old it is scary it. It's dark, it's completely pitch dark. I mean, I thought Caribbean, I thought it'd be, you know, limbo. I thought there'd be limbo. No, it's spooky in there, Frank.

No, it's properly frightening. It's like Pete Doherty's flat in there. And there's a bit where it just, it drops. It's suddenly, you're on a boat and you go, whoa, down at the thing. And all these people were, women in their 40s were screaming. I'd got a two-year-old in the front. He said, I want to get off now. I said, there's something I need to tell you.

Nobody gets off. That's what I said. I felt terrible. I mean, the worst I expected in Caribbean was a few short-pitched deliveries. But no. Oh, he was terrified. He was in tears when we got off.

Oh, no. Oh, I felt so guilty about it. But, I mean, you know, there are rides for his age, which he loved. Anyway, I watched Alan, and I thought you were very, very funny, indeed. You were. And I'll tell you something that was very interesting. I actually found myself wanting you to do well. That's rare for you.

It's almost, well, I say rare, isn't the word. I mean, I didn't want you to be brilliant, but I wanted you to do well. That's rare for you. It's almost, well I say rare isn't the word. I mean I didn't want you to be brilliant but I wanted you to do well. I usually when I see comedians on the telly you know generally, there's one or two except most of them I want the bottom to drop out of their world. But did I actually

find myself wanting you to do well? I'm feeling a bit proud. I was. He kept the brand intact. Yeah. So that was a completely new experience for me. He's one of the few funny men you like. Yeah, lovely. I'm not proud of that fact, by the way.

No, I know, but... But we have to be honest. Yet again, I love your honesty, Frank. Remember that French poet who wrote about the very exclusive pleasure of watching a close friend fall off the roof of a house? I suppose that's the feeling that one gets. Can I say, if I think 10% of the

sheen was taken off, of the Michael Sheen was taken off, when I texted Alan, and it was quite glamorous actually, saying to my friend, you're doing so well on Have I Got News, I'm so proud of you. What's my response? I'm away camping. I don't want to get that. No.

I'm being showbiz. I just wanted to explain that I couldn't watch it. And that's the glamour element of the night down. What about when he won Club Comic of the Year at the awards? And I texted him and said, congratulations. And he texted back, yeah, great that I'm still regarded as a club comic. I didn't name it. You know what I mean? That wasn't my category.

I was just trying to be nice. Very, very, perhaps a little even that far from the epicentre. A certain amount of rubble. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran together The Frank Skinner Show Absolute Radio Also in Disneyland as we near the end of the show

I know I started talking about Disneyland and thus I end that way I think it was T.S. Eliot who said in my end is my beginning Well let's hope so, given the way the quotes on the show have gone today. One way to find out, of course, would be through Poetry News Update.

And I have a Poetry News Update update. Well, before you get to that, can I just say, I've been inundated with tweets about this. Oh, have you? Yes. Any news? Well, Rhubarb Grumble tweeted me a screen grab

that said, We have not received enough ratings of this app to display an average. He was looking for a rating. Oh, OK. He says that says it all, really. Yes. Dan says, not good news on the poetry news update. And then it had a grab saying, last updated 2009.

Oh. And then someone called Cassithor sent an email, which he took a screen grab of, saying, from the Frank Skinner support group, and it said, this application has not updated in weeks and we want answers. Weeks? What, 2009? That's quite a lot of weeks. Yeah. Well, can I say that this action, that the people rising, once again the people have spoken, and what's marvellous is I had a little email from iTunes.

You know iTunes? Oh, yeah. I want to say iTunes. I don't mean, don't you make my brown eyes blue. I only have eyes for you. I mean, iTunes, the company, sent me £1.49 refund. No! But was there an explanation?

They just said, you know, sorry, but this app is no longer operational. Oh, Frank. So, no arm done. A lot of waiting, obviously. Yeah. I did sit by that app, like Michael Barrymore sitting next to a telephone.

You've come out a bit stronger, though, haven't you? Yeah, I think, what doesn't kill you? Sends you to prison yes usually um but i um yes i i still the trouble is i had it in my mind that i was going to have regular poetry news coming and now i know i'm not and nothing quite prepared you just get the phone number of benjamin zephaniah or something yeah but he's an elusive character. I don't think he's got a landline. I'll be honest with you, I've tried to call him before. He's evasive in the extreme.

I haven't had a chance to tell you about the Wild West show that we went to, but maybe next week. It was an interesting outcome that I certainly hadn't anticipated. Nevertheless, we come to that point. Thank you so much for listening today, and you know what, if the good Lord spares Nevertheless, we come to that point. Thank you so much for listening today.

And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out! The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.