The Frank Skinner Show - In-between Crocs

Episode Date: August 29, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has the pressure of gift buying and has questions about Crocs. The team also discuss Tom Cruise’s day out in London, collective nouns and Alun’s trip to the New Forest.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 812.15, you really can, we are live in the studio. Please text the show on 812.15 or you can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frank on the radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. There's a bit before the show, the live show, begins there's a bit where I say this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and then go, and I never

I always forget every week that that bit's going to happen. And I'm saying on Absolute Radio, not knowing what I'm going to say next. And one week I'm going to say something I'm worried majorly controversial that'll be the end of my career

could happen stress of it it would just be quite a sort of petty way to go as well not even like the show proper it's on the ramp you're worth more than that speaking of what I'm worth

if I, I mean morally. Gather round. How are you doing, Al? I've pulled my chair in. I'm listening. Yeah, just pull your chair in. If I arrived today, and this is a serious question, if I arrived in Crocs today,

what would be your response to that? Mainly laughter. Okay. What about you? Why are you even bothering to ask me? I mean, you know the response. I would also give you some kudos in my head. I'd be thinking, you know, he's made his money.

He's stopped caring. He's turned up in Crocs. OK, so fair enough. I'd give you some animal carcass. He's got a partner, he's not bothered. Good for him. No, I took my son to get him some Crocs. He's allowed.

Today. And I don't know if I told you this, but the last time I took him to the shoe shop to get him Crocs, the woman measured him and she said, he is in between Crocs at the moment measured him and she said he is in between Crocs at the moment. Oh yeah.

And she said you must wait, he's too smart to be. So I couldn't get him, he was in between Crocs. So now he's hit the next Croc, basically. But I was getting them and it did occur to me, why

where did Crocism come from? Because when they first came out, I remember when kiwi fruits first hit the shelves and there was quite a hobbub of excitement. I can imagine. Have you tried those? Yeah. Green, sweet.

Some of them taste a bit bananary. Do they? That must have been discussed a lot in the early kiwi fruit. And with the coat, which is a bit, I've had an argument with the wife, I'm sleeping on the sofa. That's why I love that kiwi fruit. Yeah, but, you know, it was a revelation. But I seem to remember when Crocs came out,

there was quite a Paz vibe initially. Oh, yeah. Have you seen those Crocs? They don't need laces, no velcro. I just lost it. You're using the phrase Paz vibe. There's a range of colours. It was like the, you know,

Birkenstocks was what your sort of guardian radar went for and the Crocs was the mans. I can remember the first pair I ever saw and I can remember who was wearing them. Who was wearing them? Ross and the Hubble. Oh, well, there you go. Why are we talking about this?

It's like, where was I when Kennedy was shot? It's a similar thing. I think it's similar and relevant. Anyway. Can I tell you what's happened, Frank? Crocs, I mean, I have to be honest, I never went through the... I don't have those misty, water-coloured memories

because for me it was always chefs and children. Well, chefs, I think chefs have... I mean, they've embraced them, certainly. But I have a friend who is a violinist and he wears them. Well, notice you don't want to name him, though. What does that tell you about Crocs? Well, no, I... I don't think Nigel Kennedy counts.

But I... I just, I don't know how... Look, if there's anyone out there, 8, 12, 15, why did the Crocs backlash happen? That's what I want to know, because I don't know why it happened, I don't know when it happened. They went from, oh, I interviewed Heidi Klum once. She wasn't in them, was she? She'd got her own brand with decorating. Remember the croc decorations when that happened?

So you could put little flowers on and stuff. Oh, charms, croc charms. That was when they were still in the nation's heart. But now... I think... Am I identifying with Crocs here in some way? That's what worries me. I'll tell you what, Frank,

you've lit up the switchboards on the old texting about Crocs request. Is there any interesting theories? Well? texting about Crocs request. Is there any interesting theories? Well, 092 has said five pairs of Crocs convert. 50,000 surgeons can't be wrong. Oh, surgeons wear white Crocs, right? We hadn't thought of those. I'd wear them in our job titles that wear Crocs.

Surgeons can wear the hell what they want. They can. What would put me off that is if you're that wear Crocs. Surgeons can wear the hell what they want. They can. What would put me off that is if you're wearing the Crocs and socks, when you take your surgeon shoes off, there's like blood in the shape of the holes in the Crocs where it's splashed over the side of them. Yeah. What worries me is we've now got mask wearing mandated

because surgeons wear them. Yeah. And I don't want mandated Crocs by this government. Yeah, but why not? Why not? Well, I tell you, we've had on Twitter, gorgeous G111. You see those holes. That's where a little of your soul leaks out every time you wear them.

This is why the string vest was vetoed, I suppose. There are people that have problems with groupings of small holes, aren't there? It's a phobia. I can't remember what it's called. Yes. Oh, yeah. Tryptophobia. We thought about it with the new

iPhone or something. And crumpets. Crumpets, yes. Oh, yes. Love a crump phones are valuable. And crumpets. Crumpets, yes. Oh, yes. Love a crumpet, personally. And Billy I Am says, you used them to mince beef. I know what he means. I know I did, yeah.

Yeah, I did them on... Room 101, Scarlet Moffat tried to put them into Room 101, which I didn't allow. But yes, I put sausage meat into them to make. But, you know, on panel shows, they're good money panel shows, but you don't want them in your time capsule. But this is a show for truth.

This is where you get my heart. This is not me joking. I genuinely, they seem a really clever, practical shoe. I don't know why people have turned against me. Have you bought yourself a pair? Is that what the end of this story is? No, I've got a pair. It's not like I'm after a pair or anything.

I've got a pair. But I realise that I have been shamed into just putting them on to go and get to the bins. What's your worst cropped colour? Mine is khaki. It makes me ill. Oh. Khaki.

I've got, I don't know what I'd call mine, tan. I've got a tan pair. Yeah, it's tan. Tan's my worst crop. Oh. I hadn't thought of it until now, but that's nailed it.

My son asked for Tottenham blue. Oh. So that's why he wants one. Why is it okay when children wear it, though? I mean, they're allowed. Yeah, but then again, if I came in a one piece suit with a hood on it

you'd think well that's a bit weird Yeah if my shoes had wheels on I'd say he doesn't normally do that in public is what I'd say Shoes on wheels

I don't see why that would be I think I mean not for the elderly That would be ridiculous Yeah I It was my partner's I mean, not for the elderly. That would be ridiculous. It was my partner's birthday the weekend. I won't say how old she was, but it was a big one.

It was one of the big ones. I'll go on, I'll say it. She was 18. No, she wasn't. She wasn't. Can I ask you a question? If I said she was 94 would that be better or worse than she was 18 the producer's nodding as if

better much better isn't that strange how we balance it courting death is more acceptable than courting life but no she's a bit older than that. I'll be straight with you.

But I bought her a present. And I'll tell you after the break, because it's a... Well, it's not complicated, but I'm already feeling anxiety in my shoulders. I'm tensing it at the shoulders. I don't think it was Crocs, do you? No, it wasn't Crocs.

It wasn't Crocs. I'd kind of never thought of that. Friendship on Absolute Radio. As I say, it was my partner's birthday. Oh, yes. It was a big one. And I bought her Apple Music. As I say, it was my partner's birthday. Oh, yes. It's a big one. And I bought her Apple Music.

Now, I don't know if you know, it's a streaming service. I'm a fan myself. Yes, well, I was at the Brits one year and there was a three-month trial thing and I thought I'd give it a go. Don't say you gave her that. No. Oh, God. No, unfortunately, that had gone.

I wish I had, as you will see. You're still here, so clearly not. So I found it life-changing. Did you? Yeah. And she loves music, you know. Not many people love music more than my partner, so I thought this is the dream gift.

So I got family Apple Music. Me, Buzz, and Cathal. Oh, yeah? Lovely. So you send out an email saying, you know, you have Apple Music. Congratulations is pushing it. Something like that. They send them. I didn't word it.

I didn't write the emails. But anyway, I got a call from Kath as soon as I realised the emails had gone out. And it was as close as she has ever said to me, what is the meaning of this? She said, what is this? What's this? And I said, I know it's a bit early, but she said,

no, but what is it? I said, I bought you apple mousse. She said, I don't want it. I've told you I don't want it.

I don't want any more complications in my life. Oh, I see. I said, no, but you just press, like a list comes up, you just, I don't want it, I don't want all that.

I don't, no, I told you. I feel the same way as her. Do you? I'm a bit scared of that sort of thing, yeah. But it's a very passive. Terrifies me. You go on and search and you might put in, well, what have i put in recently uh

george george jones because i've been watching the ken burns country music documentary series which i must say even if you don't like country music is amazing if you do it's through the roof. Anyway, do you know Ken Burns? No, but thanks for the tip. He, it, that's it. So she reacted very... You put the name in, ten albums come up, you just listen to music. But she won't use it. She's told me she will not use it.

I've paid for it now. So that's that. I mean, ways of upsetting... We was watching a programme about the history of the nude on BBC Art Coverage. Oh, here we go. And they had some Cranach paintings of Adam and Eve. Love Cranach.

And I felt a slight tension in the room with the apple preferences. I felt... Honestly, I could feel an atmosphere. So of gifts I've bought, which I thought this is perfect, that I've got, I can't think

of a greater gap between the anticipation and the result. Oh. Oh. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we have had a missive from somebody suggesting that we're being a bit classist discussing Crocs because we're sort of laughing at people for wearing them.

Well, A, I'm heartily defending them and saying I don't know why people don't like them. B, the people I see wearing them tend to be North London bohemians who've got white hair but a ponytail, which isn't a bad thing. And often a daunt books bag. A daunt books bag. A daunt books bag.

We've also already covered surgeons. They don't seem like working class heroes to me. I'm glad there's still someone keeping an eye out for that sort of thing. But I think on this occasion, good on you. Yeah. But I don't think the arrow has missed its target. But if we do do that, let us know, because I don't want to be that person.

Apple Music, which is a bit expensive. I'm just trying to get, you know. Also, I love Apple Music. But so that has... Do you think she'll ever come round, Kath? Well, I bought her an iPod once and she said, I don't know if I'm ever going to use this. And I said, well, I think, you know, it's got music on it.

You run, it's perfect. She said, yeah, but, you know, I've got used to the mini discs. Oh, yeah. When was that? That was... About 18 months ago. Not as long ago as it should have been. So...

Many days. I've got used to the eight track. But this is a woman, I can't tell you. Like, the Cocteau... Look, just lately, the Cocteau twins, that's all I hear coming from her office. Ulrich Schnauss, that's her life, his music. It's perfect.

Anyway, it's been rejected heftily. I got her a wild swimming magazine. That went probably better than the much more expensive Apple Music. But it's not about money. It's not. Was the celebration a success on the whole? The day itself? Generally.

There was a conversation when I was called into her bedroom when she said, why have you got caterers in? Oh. So, she's not an easy woman to buy for. But I was trying to make it a special day. But it turned out... That sounds really nice. Yeah, that's what I thought.

I'd like to apologise to my wife, who I didn't get caterers in on her birthday. In fact, she made a dinner. Good choice. It all turned out fine. The food was lovely and that, but it was... I think at one point she suggested i'd spoiled her birthday by getting in professional caterers to procure them so i'll tell you what was a hit though um emily bought um my son buzz um a lego hogwarts oh cool um that's not those things you get on pigs that you think,

is that hair or something? Stop to it. And that, no, that is a thing. Where if he's looking at a computer screen, I get very anxious. You know, I think, oh, that's bad for him. But he gets utterly lost in Lego. Lost in Lego would have been, we're lost in Lego.

Tired in a trap. Ain't no turning back. We're lost in Lego. They should use that. Why do they use that? I can't imagine why. It's so cool. Absolutely.

I can imagine it, Frank. I can imagine them doing a sort of show you know those sort of like show for kids or something once a day at Legoland

and they'd be singing oh yeah and people actors who hadn't quite made it dressed as Lego characters you know

holding their hands like little hooks give it to them and it would sound a bit session singer and not quite the right version. And you'd get those actors that come up to you and start talking to you

and you'd think, look, I know this is supposed to make it a richer experience, but I've never been more embarrassed in my whole life. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. I was talking about Emily's excellent gift to my son, which was at Hogwarts. It included, I think, the whomping willow.

It's the whomping willow, yeah. Yeah, with car stuck in branches. Well, I got a lovely message. He sent me a picture. The simplicity was nice, of the completed whomping willow as a thank you and i replied and i did a bit of a joke because i thought that might be nice bit of bants we have buzz and i i said oh i'm so glad you liked it it looks amazing please may i move in now do you know what i got i got back a cat cry laughing emoji and that made my day oh the modern world i've tried so hard

to keep him off the screen when i watch him on on screen things i i you know that when you get a little bit of sick in the back of your throat i get that but when he's doing lego i feel tremendously i'll tell you what i did think remember on you remember on the show, I think it was last week, we talked about the kid who stuck a Lego piece up his nose. Yeah. I could see he's so utterly focused. I could see that one might do that, just not even think about it whilst you're in the midst of it. Yeah.

I've taken, just this last week, and something I haven't done since I lived in Oldbury in the West Midlands I've taken to putting a pencil behind my ear because I don't know about you if I sit writing

there's always a moment where I can't find the pen that I've been writing with it's in a fold in my shirt it's down the side of the yeah and behind the ear i'd forgotten the convenience it's a really useful place for it yeah it's um it's shelving yeah it's god shelving i mean you know you've not invented this don't you no no it it was a thing that tradesmen... My dad used to do it. And sometimes you'd have a... I've seen him with a pencil behind one ear

and a cigarette behind the other in the golden days. I see it as quite sort of newspaper man in a 1940s film with the spinning sort of headlines. Yeah, but it makes sense because it's so easy if you're sitting writing to put it in the wrong place. Oh, I recommend that. I've also switched very much back to...

One of your modern recommendations. Put your pen behind your ear. Yeah, pencil. It's a real civic duty, this show, isn't it? I've almost given up on the biro. I cannot live. You know that moment when you're writing with a biro and it stops writing?

Just too heartbreaking for you. I know that moment when you're writing with a biro and it stops writing? Just too heartbreaking for you. I hate that so much. And it won't even, if you go back over, you have to go and scribble on another page. Useless cradle. I hate that. It becomes like, you might as well use roll-on deodorant. Well, suddenly you've got an empty husk in your hands. Well, no, but the pens, you can see ink in there it just it

wouldn't come out it's i can't tell you that is one you know if i if they bring room 101 back i won't be hosting it no i think they've made that clear too old. It's fine. And I... Oh, ageism, it's the least... It's the least... Protected. It is, yeah. But it's fine. I don't care. That's what I'd put in, is that

moment when a pen does that. It didn't make me think, though. It'd be good if you had roll-on deodorant that was colored so you could see if your roll-on deodorant is doing it because you don't want to leave a patch on that's such a great idea it's lovely when you're wearing a black velvet dress or something well you could use great idea you could use black for that oh yeah black powder all under my arms well what i was thinking is when it starts to wear a bit thin day four, you'd be able to see where you need to top it up. Oh, yeah.

Otherwise, it's like having the fourth bridge under each arm, constantly at it. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215. I'd love you to.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That's my advice. Okay. Can I say... What do you mean? A lady. I heard from uh a lady i went to see a lady i've been there before

shoes and stockings all around her head and feet all over the floor everybody okay um joe rocos i wonder if she's related to Cleo she used to be everything she was in the Kenny Everett show so she said I hope you enjoy these books thanks for all the laughs

oh what a night that was and she sent me a random selection Thanks for all the laughs. Oh, what a night that was. And she sent me a random selection, it seems to me. There's a book by Washington Irving. Lovely. There's a book by a poet I've never heard of called... Called? Orby Shipley. OK.

Orby Shipley, as far as I can tell. I'll probably find out that's a publisher. But the jewel in the crown is Jake's Progress, which is a book of lyrics from Jake Thackeray. Oh, nice. If you don't know Jake Thackeray at home, you guys at home or wherever you are, he was one of the great singer-songwriters of the 60s and 70s.

I saw him live on many occasions. And it's got, for example, the lyrics to Brother Gorilla, which you may know. I'll give you a little... I like your impression. Through the bars of a large enclosure the village ladies intently stared where a gorilla with massive composure

was impassively combing his hair. And so it goes on. Nice gift. Nice gift. Yeah. Lovely gift. I mean, the Jake, the Jake thing. I don't know what to make of the others, but we'll keep digging, so thanks for that.

You mentioned hearing from people by text message. We've had a text from 337, Tracy. Morning, Frank and team. My dad was a cabinet maker, brackets carpenter. I knew that anyway. I grew up genuinely thinking he grew pencils out of his ear. He never corrected me. You know, because we were talking about...

If you're a carpenter, it's got to be. If you're a... I'm going to say, if you're a chippy... Yeah. If you're a chippy... Cabinet maker's good. I wouldn't have liked my dad to be a candlestick maker. Oh, I don't know, though.

I think we did one of those in woodwork once, the candlestick. It felt quite something. No, I just like to have the option to branch out, that's all. Well, you could have a candelabra. Oh, lovely. Thank you, Liberace. out, that's all. Well, you can have a candelabra. Oh, lovely. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Thank you, Liberace. I'll be the Scott to your Liberace. Anytime. Okay.

Your place or mine? I'm going to put my wig on a he had like a head, I think, at the size of a bath that he used to put his wig on before he got in the bath. I like the idea of that. It's like having company. You know what I mean? Yes.

You know when you lay your clothes out the night before you go to bed? Oh, yeah. It's like having a sentinel, a silent sentinel at your side. Did you do that last night, Frank? I do it most nights. Love it. I used to actually take the socks and put the socks in

the bottom of the trousers but that's that stopped that was looking bad that was ridiculous yeah i also got a letter from uh odysseus constantine um odysseus odysseus Constantine. I spelt, not how I would spell Odysseus, but I remember when I registered my child, the registrar said, we get a lot of people come here now, and we're not allowed to tell them the spelling. She said, and that's where all the weird spellings come from. That's why you get Chanel, double L, et cetera.

So you're accusing Odysseus' family. No, no, not at all. You see, you say it right. I say Odysseus. I think Odysseus is correct. I think Odysseus. No, I think you're right. Look, you say Odysseus, I say Odysseus.

It might have changed recently, like Boudicca. Oh, let's call the whole thing Jason. Anyway, he sent me, he works for Art and Hugh, which I think, is that the Christian names of Simon and Garfunkel? Yeah, they're very good to us. They send us lovely things. They do send, and they've sent me some light birthday presents from my child, Beano Pop Art Prince.

Nice. And I read that out. As I read that out, I think I wonder if he's covered the rights on this, but we won't. They're very responsible, I trust them. Yeah, but you know when you get Donald Duck on a fairground ride and he's got teeth. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

What's that? I spoke this morning with the German Chancellor here. I wish that had been you, lads. It wasn't. It was too bad. I want to discuss Thomas Cruise IV, I believe he is, citing. Oh, I think he's got another name, isn't he? I know what it is. Cruz is his middle name, isn't it?

Oh, sir, can I tell you the name? Go on, yes, yes. Having had a crush for some time, Maypother. No, that's wrong. Maypother. I don't like Maypother. Maypother. Maypother.

It's an Irish name, I believe. Is it? He's Irish. That's Irish. Maypuffer. Maypuffer. Maypuffer. It's an Irish name, I believe. Is it? He's Irish. There's Irish in there. Maypuffer. I don't like the way it falls away at the end. It starts with May, it's a right bang, and then... It's a bit like the way Tom's gone, film-wise.

Oh, how dare you. It's spelt Mapuffer, but it's pronounced Maypuffer. Well? He's been in the UK. He's been shooting Mission Impossible 7. 7 and 8. Oh, funny. Is he really?

He's shooting 7 and... Is he honestly? Maybe it's about time they admitted that that mission is actually impossible. Very possible. Yeah. Well, just give up on it. It's took eight films. I mean, that's a mission.

They could have been doing other missions in other films. I like the fact that he's bringing a comedian's double-up approach to making films. I know. Back in the days when we had live comedy, a comic could do two gigs on a Saturday night. Well, I used to do five. I've done five, but, you know,

you can't do five films simultaneously, surely. You probably could now though, as films. Yeah, they're mainly running about. Just shoot the exploding cars from different angles, change the odd license plate. Soak the old black polo neck so you don't get the marks. Seven and eight. See, that shocks me.

I thought Tom, Tommy. That was the thing when I grew up, that people called Tom would be called Tommy. Should we call him Tommy? If you like. No, Tommy they'd call him. Tommy. Oh, Tommy.

There was a bloke called, he was called Tom Jones, I remember. And they used to call him Tommy Dunes. I remember a mate of mine said, I said, dear Tommy Dunes. Dan Albright. Anyway, Tom, I'm surprised he's doing a seven and eight of anything. He wouldn't have done that in the old days, would he?

Well. No, nothing's got that far. I think it's fairly lucrative, that franchise. Yeah. Do you know how old he is? You two? Any ideas? Shall we do our little guess?

To you first. I'm going to go to you, Alan Cochran. Okay. My guess is somewhere between 50 and 85. I think he's a confusing one. Well, that's a bit silly, Billy. I think he's younger than me. 58? Correct. Absolutely. Really?

Oh! That needs a jingle. I've just got real flashbacks to school where I say something silly and then a SWAT pipes up with the perfect answer and now I feel double silly. Sorry, I feel very Hermione Granger. You know what I like? That was so...

You guessed that Tom Cruise was 58 and then we played The Boys Are Back In Town. Well, he was back... That's a macho thing, isn't it? He was back in town. Can I ask you a question? How long has it been since Tom Cruise was in the best-looking bloke chair?

Great question. For me, he's still in there. Really? Yeah, I love that man. Yeah, he's good. I think probably... Five years? Oh, no, 20.

Yeah. Nah. 20? In his defence, I'll say this. I think he's still a good-looking guy, but I think he's so firmly in the does his own stunts chair that he can't have another chair. He can't straddle chairs. To me, he's in the signs and autographs for everyone who's turned up.

He's got the help some person at a scene of accident. He's got the help some person at a scene of accident. Yeah. He's got publicists saying, this is all very well, but I've got to get up at six o'clock in the morning, standing on the red carpet. Booked a babysitter for tonight. And so easily lost in a crowd.

I mean, he's essentially a travel celebrity. Apparently he flew over here in a holdall. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about Tom Cruise being in London. My man. Do you remember when he was on Oprah and he was announcing that he was in love with Katie Katie Katie Katie Holmes yeah and and he got on the sofa and jumped up and down oh yeah sofa in excitement yeah people thought he was um mad didn't they well i think love you know the the madman the lover and the poet are of an imagination all compact if you know um so i suppose it was supposed to be with so much in love that he was

you know he it was uh it was an interesting made me think, I've been in a relationship, I've come up for 20 years with breaks. And how long, I know they say how long is a piece of string, but how long is the period from jumping on the sofa to having to sleep on it? I think that would be an interesting analysis, as it were, with him and Katie Holmes. I think he actually slept on an armchair,

if I remember rightly. Oh, right. They divorced when she was 33, which I think is his thing. Oh, does it? All of his marriages have ended when the wife was 33. Is that right? I believe so, yeah.

I mean, I'm sure it's a coincidence. I don't think he's got a calendar going for not long now. Well, I know. He might be a thing, you know, a superstition thing. Yeah. He'd be lovely for me, wouldn't he? He might go for the older woman now. He might.

I might have to wait till he's 80. Do you know what I mean? I think it's when they're 80 they think, oh, OK. Maybe. I don't think he's going to make 80. Do you? No. Do, oh, OK. Maybe. I don't think he's going to make 80. Do you? No, do your own stunts. Well, I like that he does his own stunts,

because what I would say is it gives the film the added jeopardy element. I don't think they'll put it out. That you don't get with a younger man. Chris Edwardsworth, I know he's going to be fine. He's not going to need a hip replacement if he jumps on that building. Does Daniel Craig do his own stunt? I think he probably has to do some of them just to keep up a little bit with Tom Cruise.

Yeah, I think there must be pressure on these people when they don't want to do it. Definitely. Tom is the OG, though. He always will be for me. He posted... Did you see the video he posted this week? I did.

What did you think? Is this where he was in the taxi in a black cab yeah i found it very difficult to relax because obviously i was worrying about the meter spent the whole thing just gripping the arms of the chair can i tell you what i thought i thought how lovely to be that rich and famous that you can wander around london without any accoutrement so tom get he is in the cab he gets out, he's just got the black polo neck and the mask, no coat, no

dawn books bag, nothing I wish he'd been suspended from the ceiling of the cab on cord like a baby walker what did you think of the video? it made me think

it made me think he must be doing well if he's getting a black cab. I think only Americans get black cabs anymore, don't they? Is that what's happened? They've become like gondolas. I think they're very much a tourist. Is that right? That's like the Central Park horse carriage. Yeah, it is.

Gondolas, Central Park horse carriage, and the black cab. I mean, I could be out of date, but that's how it feels. So it's nice to see him putting some money into the traditional business. He waved at three girls on bikes, didn't he? By Buckingham Palace. And he says, how does that happen? I'm wearing a mask. I thought that was a bit of what they call a humble brag to do.

Did they definitely recognise him? Do you think he faked it? Well, I wasn't sure that they had recognised him. Oh, I see. Because he waved and they waved back. I reckon I could... They might just think he's a bit simple and waving at people as he's driving around.

Well, they could think if somebody waves to you, if I'm on the motorway and there's a kid in the car in front waving to the back window, I'll wave back. Yeah. Perhaps they'd think that's what he was. Maybe they just do that like you say, because if the black cab is like the gondola, it's like, wow, someone's in a black cab.

Yeah. Yeah, America. Hooray. We love you, America. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We were discussing Tom Cruise's humble brag there, weren't we?

I think it was a humble brag. Or I think he's waving at the people in the park. They see a little guy in the back of a black cab with a mask on and a camera crew and go, oh, look, it's someone. Yeah, big deal. That is true. Yeah. Camera crew.

Good point. And also he's going past Buckingham Palace. He's waving from a car I am I was surprised that he was, I mean in my glory days I used to have a thing called key man insurance

which meant, do you remember when we won that prize me and Emily were part of a quiz team tell us who we beat, Frank, remember? We beat more or less every journalist. Here's Morgan. Yeah, more or less every leading journalist in the country had their own quiz teams.

And we won comedians and sort of babes. Babes and comedians. It was the 90s, okay? Leave us alone. No judgement from me. But we won a ride in a, would you like to

fly in my beautiful balloon? We won a ride in a hot air balloon. It was me, you, David, Badil there was all sorts on that team. You know the hot air balloon, oh isn't this beautiful and it's so peaceful. Oh.

You know the hot air balloon, oh isn't this beautiful and it's so peaceful. And I wasn't allowed to go up by my insurance company because I had key man insurance. I couldn't ride a horse. So Tom Cruise, who must have an insurance policy, I mean, that goes on forever. He's going to the cinema in London. He's getting capped. I'm amazed. I have somebody, some production manager would be absolutely furious about this, I think.

Well, I think he did the cinema visit. You know, he wants to encourage people back into the cinemas. Yeah, I think him and the taxi driver went to Wagamama's and ate out to help out straight after. Yeah. They got half-priced dinner. I don't know why he doesn't try to encourage people back into the cinema through the medium of film.

Why has he stopped trying that? What about when you saw him outside the BFI, the IMAX cinema in Waterloo, isn't it, Frank? Yeah. I say that just because you know that man, not because I think you run a cinema chain. No, but I've been to that cinema. The guy used to come on and say, welcome to IMAX Waterloo. The biggest screen the world has ever seen.

And it used to be, whoa. And then I remember he said, I went there one and he said, the British screen Europe has ever seen. And I thought, oh, I bet there's one in Dubai, probably.

And then the last time, I don't think he says it, he said, the biggest screen that Britain, I thought, oh, that's it. Just don't bring it up. The biggest screen this roundabout has ever seen. I mean, that's what we're moving to.

Well, he, after the film, the film, you saw him, he stood up. I mean, this was a bit strange, wasn't it? Because Tom stood up and he sort of addressed the audience, forgetting perhaps he had a mask on and a pannier neck. And it was dark. And it was dark.

Yeah. And he said, do you remember exactly what he said? It was something like, great to be back at the movies. He said I enjoyed it or something. No, I'll tell you what he said. He said, great to be back in a movie theatre, everybody, yeah? A movie theatre. And the thing is, Tom Cruise,

it's one thing him saying that as Tom Cruise, but if they just said it was a man in a black polo neck addressing people, I mean, imagine if I said that in The Everyman. It could have been Brian Sewell. Yeah. I got recognised in a mask. Did you?

Yeah, I was in a... So it can happen. Maybe it is a documentary film that Tom put out. But my... See, Kath, my partner, has always said to me, it's my enormous forehead that people recognise. Wow. So she said, you can wear shades or, you know, a mask,

it doesn't make any difference. Wear a bandana, you're gone. Right. It's like a cloak of invisibility. Oh, yeah. So maybe he's, you know, he's got the eyes, Tom. Maybe the mask, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about Tom Cruise. I noticed Tom Cruise saying, what did he call it? Film theatre, movie theatre. Movie theatre. Great to be back in a movie theatre, everyone.

It made me think. I also, before I was talking about my large forehead. And it always sticks in my throat a bit like when i got in this morning i explained to sarah the producer that i that i've had toothache this week now i said toothache for the first 30 years of my life and i still want to say toothache yeah and i still want to say forehead instead of forehead i I always said forehead. Really? And I've just, it's just, in London,

people don't know what you're talking about. But I would have said... We'd find our way through. I would have said it's great to be back at the pictures if I'd have been there. I don't think anyone would call me that. Yeah. Going to the moustache, that's gone. Would you have added,

would you have added, I always enjoy a talkie. No. No. No, he's not a fan of the talkies. He's like Chaplin. He's resisting. Yeah, I find them a bit. It's a gimmick.

I love it when they, I love it. Chaplin held out. He wouldn't cross over. He did in the end. He did in the end, but he kept thinking kept thinking no it's never going to take off it's like dinner and lunch now my eight year old will still say to me

we're going to have lunch now dinner for you in a patronising you're from the West Midlands kind of a way yeah it's very do you say do you go to the obscure

and say I am not inferior to you I do I have quoted there is a song about tea It's very, yeah. Do you go to the obscure and say, I am not inferior to you? I do. I have quoted, there is a song about tea. Do you know that song that goes, I like a nice cup of tea in the morning? Do you know that song? Vaguely.

I do know that. And then he says, about half eleven, my idea of heaven is a nice cup of tea. So that's where we are in the day. And then he says, I like a nice cup of tea with my dinner and a nice cup of tea. So that's where we are in the day. And then he says, I'd like a nice cup of tea with my dinner and a nice cup of tea with my tea. Now that is a man who's acknowledging that lunch is really dinner. And tea is a meal that you have about five o'clock. Okay.

And supper is cheese and onion sandwiches at about half ten. Cheese and onion. Yeah. We're all different. I think we've established that and we embrace difference on this show. Tom Cruise was going to see

the Christopher Nolan film, Tenet. Yeah. Not Tenet. No. Tenet. I wondered why it was called that and someone said it's a palindrome. Well, it is a palindrome. Yes, but he's called it that because of the time space. He likes to mess because of the time, space,

he likes to mess around with the time backwards. Yeah. I'm just saying he doesn't want to get caught in a trap of palindrome. So it doesn't mean tenet, does tenet mean anything? It means both. It means tenet, as in the sort of laid down order of things. But that's double N, isn't it? Is the film double N?

No, I don't believe so. No, it's a single N, yes. Well, I'll go to our house. No, that's tenant. Oh, OK. Oh, very good. Very good. I really want to hit music there.

It was such a good right place, but we're too early. I got a letter from Richard Taylor. You know him? Oh, but he sounds like he played snooker in the 70s he's in the games business I mean the board games business oh board and he's met a

well I don't know if he has but he's involved with a board game called The Good Life which he has sent a copy of and there's a sticker on the front that says, it's from the Sunday Times, don't encourage kids to become greedy bankers with Monopoly. Keep them green with this good life game.

And I've always thought I'd like more of that advertising that really slags off other people's products. You almost never see that on the telly. There used to be one razor advert that used to slag off other people's products. You almost never see that on the telly. There used to be one razor advert that used to slag off another razor. But generally, they just pretend the others... But this is Monopoly. So what you do, instead of pushing a car around,

you use your wheelbarrow to move around the board to collect fruit and vegetables. Oh! It's called The Good Life. I like the sound of that. I don't make my money as a banker. Yeah. Well, that's probably true.

But thanks for that. We'll probably play it after the show. Great to be back in the board games business, everybody. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215. People have.

We'll read some out in a minute. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio webby. We have had a text in we've had several but one of the most recent that I like was Hi Frank, Alan and Emily

I was in a pub the other night and someone was eating a bag of crisps so far so good on this story I had a horrible feeling you'd stop there I started to question your judgement for comedy gold When they finished the packet, the individual bloke blew the empty packet up with his mouth

and burst it. And of course, it made a loud popping bang noise, thus scaring everyone in the room for a moment or two. People always did this in the 70s, as I recall. Especially in Birmingham, where I'm from. Is this a forgotten pub tradition these days, Terry from Hackney I bet you did that I did and I tell you what

I also did what I would call the development part two which was you finish the crisp bag and then you lie it flat on your hand and you karate chop it and that makes it pop without having to blow it up oh yeah it just

traps enough in there and there to blow the end that's brilliant and then what it does as well as it means the side of your hand comes up in blue and purple bruises lovely you chop it into your own palm that was all right my partner used to um put crisp packets in the oven and make small badges me too with them me too people are different aren't they oh i did that i was karate yeah i did it with i had a lovely watsits i remember oh yeah i've heard that no thank frank do you remember last week on the show we discussed weddings where someone didn't show up

can I just the way I think of it because at my age I have to say it the way I think of it of course did you ever do that thing of ripping in the pub ripping the crisp packet wide open

and then doing a sort of gesture to your friends not only did I do that but I did a very popular bit of stand-up about it that I think is available on the YoTube. I'll send it to you. I'll send it to you later. I thought I was on safe ground. I thought Al will never have offered the crisp packet.

I thought I was expecting the sound of him landing on the carpet when I mentioned this bit. Turns out sound of him landing on the carpet. Turns out, no, it's part of his act. Once upon a time. Oh, dear. You were discussing, have you ever been to a wedding where someone didn't show up?

I think you might have raised that, Frank. I did, I asked that just to what would it be like? Well, Wayne Thompson said, my cousin got married and all the men didn't turn up between the registry office until the reception because they disappeared to watch the cup final in 1979. Arsenal, MUFC. Hashtag pick the wrong date. But that was quite a match, I seem to remember.

So they did the right thing. Daniel Morris. My parents went to their friend's fourth wedding. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. To start his speech, the best man declared, we all enjoy John's weddings, don't we? The bride got up and left.

Really? Oh, that's bad if the bride goes. B.S. John is currently on number five. He's three. Oh, John. John sounds like he goes. B.S., John is currently on number five. Is he? Oh, John. John sounds like he's got something about him, though. I think John might have a bit of facial rice scarring from multiple ceremonies.

He's not putting them off, though, is he? No, no. He's got that collector thing, you know. Some people used to have the Nat West China pigs. Also, finally, Gorgeous G1 too. We've had Gorgeous G before. This is her second one. Hi, Gorgeous G.

I've been to an after-do where the bride and groom didn't turn up. Sorry. Because they got arrested. Wow. After the registry office. Wow. After the registry office. Wow. I hope he carried her over the threshold

into the cell. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I want to hear about Al's time off. Oh yeah. For good behaviour. The Cockrell family had a mini break

I'm not going to say a staycation because people get really annoyed about how it's not meant to be used as a holiday in the UK it's supposed to be that you stay at home but you do all the things touristy oh see I thought it was holiday it means you stay

in your own home but you go and visit your local museums and have a picnic in the local good park and stuff. We didn't have that. What we did was we went to the New Forest. Oh, lovely. I've never really been to it before. What about if you had a Chinese restaurant and you did steak in the sort of Eastern style

and you called it Steak Asian? That's very good. If anyone listening, you can have that. I think you need to stop throwing out these quality business ideas to people. I'm fine. I don't have time to do another. Well, I'm starting to think you might have been behind grills with a Z in Birmingham, where my card was discovered recently after fraudulent activity. Oh, yeah.

Meanwhile, back in the campsite. New Forest. Well, what I really want to talk about is not my holiday. I'll come to it in a minute. Oh, but I do. Why is it called the New Forest? What's the old forest? Sherwood?

I don't know. That's one of those. There used to be some shops by us called the New Shops, and they've been there since before I was born. Yeah. And it just stucked New York. The thing everybody talks about at the New Forest, which is great, is that there's wild horses.

They're lovely, those horses. Ponies, aren't they? Stunning. No, there's ponies as well, but there's wild horses. Oh, is there? Actual wild horses. Well, there's loads of them. They say they're wild and then you see them up close

and they've got a little bit of cloth going under their jaw, which makes them look like... Have they? Yeah. Toothache? I don't know if it's toothache. I'm assuming it's a way that humans keep track of them somehow. It sounds like 1960s comic book toothache.

Well, you know what they look like now? They look like smokers at a bus stop with the face mask under the chin. That's what they look like. Have they honestly got stuff under them? They've got a little bit of fabric under them. They look like smokers at a bus stop with the face mask under the chin. That's what they look like. Have they honestly got stuff under them? They've got a little bit of fabric under them. Somebody that lives near them will tell us what they are. Can you tell us why the new forest?

This is the horses, not the ponies. There'll be someone in the middle. We might get Mark Kermode. He lives right bang in the middle of those ponies. Does he really? Yeah. In a house or just right in the middle of the forest? I don't want to disclose his personal details.

No, I think what he does, he lies on his back and then he uses his quiff as a sort of Jim Carner. That's nice. Yeah. It's quite a sight to see. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 505 has been in touch with some useful information, as we like to call it on this show.

The thing around the pony's throat, this is in the New Forest where I was recently on a mini break, the thing around the pony's throat is a reflective collar. Whilst they all roam free, they are all owned by people. Are they? Didn't know that. No. Oh, that spoiled it a bit.

Yeah. I thought that was it. They were wild. Well, they say wild horses. It's like some of the road signs say, and some of the bump, you know, when you're reading about the area. I'm struggling every time you say wild horses. I really want to go wild horses.

Yeah. Oh, they're owned. Turns out. So want to go wild horses. Oh, they're owned. Turns out. So they're not wild horses. But I would like to ask you a question about collective nouns. And I know it almost feels like, you know, well-trodden comedy territory where people go, a murder of crows or whatever the sharks one is, the school.

I encountered a new one recently, and I don't know if it's a real one or if it's just a quirk of my brother-in-law's speech. He said, when we were there, we'd had a bagel, like the kids had had a bagel with peanut butter. We'd all had a bagel. Yeah, we'd all had a bagel. It did have the manner of we'd all had a bagel. Absolutely right. And then as he was leaving, he said, oh, we'd all had a bagel. It did have the manner of we'd all had a bagel. Absolutely right.

And then as he was leaving, he said, oh, there's another sleeve of bagels in the kitchen, if you're interested. I like that. It's quite a... It's like he's ecclesiastical, Frank. Is he in a mariachi band? But he's a...

A sleeve of bagels. I mean, I feel in both ways. I think it could be a thing that it's a collective noun. People talk about A sleeve of bagels. I mean, I feel in both ways. I think it could be a thing that it's a collective noun. People talk about a sleeve of bagels. Or it could be a quirk of his that he doesn't even... You know, he won't care if I'm making fun of him on the radio about it. I'm thinking that he's talking about that packet that they come in. Yeah.

That long thing. What is he? So I don't think he's a collective noun for bagels. But sleeve? I've never said sleeve in my life! It's nice though, isn't it? But you could have a sleeve of biscuits. I think you could just as easily have a sleeve

of biscuits. Sorry, can we all stop pretending sleeve is a thing with food? Oh, it is now. I think it makes absolute sense. Well, I have to say it's very catchy because I haven't thought of bagels without thinking of sleeves since he said it.

And, you know, if you get like a big load of burger buns, you know, those sort of 12, I consider those now a suitcase or a Natasha case of burger buns. I mean, if you're going to wear your heart on your sleeve, it's much safer to wear it on a sleeve of bagel. Yeah. Sleeve of bagels.

I'm sure that's a Sherlock Holmes story, isn't it? The sleeve of bagels. So it's not a thing. Is that what you're telling me? That it's a quirk of his? Have you ever said sleeve, honestly, Frank, outside of this show? Other than shirt sleeve or something like that?

No, I haven't. But you know what? I might now. Here we go. Well, I'm going to use it as a phrase forever. I'm trying to think what we buy by the sleeve. I think you can get a sleeve of wine gums. I seem to remember they used to come in like a long see-through.

That makes sense, yeah. Okay. I only bought them for lying down. I didn't actually eat them. Yeah. Yeah. So, you went on a... You were in a caravan, is that right?

We stayed in a little campsite in New Milton. Not a campsite where people can go and camp, but a place where it's got, I want to say, static caravans. You know, those things. Yeah. And I'll be honest, it was a little tired. And that's New Milton. What must old Milton be like?

Exactly. They only had three dinner chairs and were a family of four. One of the chairs had broken. a previous guest had broken a chair. I've never heard of a dinner chair. You know, like a dining room chair. Yeah. But I came up with an inventive solution to it. Oh, yeah, what did you do?

I said to my family, all right, each day we have to keep our eyes out for one of us saying something really stupid and then they have to eat separately from us at dinner time. It's subjective. It was mostly me. I thought that was, that's a musical chair solution. Screaming out there. Frank Skimmer.

Absolute Radio. You were talking just now, or Al, do you want to remind us how your brother-in-law referred to the bagels? He said there's another sleeve of bagels in the kitchen. So some of our readers have got in touch regarding their sort of sleeve usage. Jules McLean, my husband, says there's a sleeve of tennis balls. Ah, yeah. He also says golf balls

come in sleeves. Yes. Rich says watches. A sleeve of watches? Because they're presented on a sort of... Does he work on the black market? They're presented on a sort of velvet sleeve, I suppose. Oh, yeah, there is

that sort of thing. I say velvet, faux velvet. And then someone has also forwarded us, I think it's Liz Hartney, her forthcoming Nespresso delivery, because it says our capsules are packaged in sleeves, each containing ten capsules. And, of course, you can get a sleeve of police dogs.

You know when you say police dog training, the man running away always has a fat sleeve that he sort of holds out for the dog to bite. What music would they always play at that? What song would you think of? I'd think of... Well, it's a bit more of the actual chase intruder. But when those dogs actually chase real intruders, they must have been thinking

it was like a very bad baton hand over in the reel. Get your arm out. What are you doing? Get your arm out. You know how it works. Oh, they used to get them in the park like at the fates, summer fates. They used to jump through hoops of fire and stuff, the police dogs. Is the Alsatian still the police dog of choice?

Oh, I think so, yeah. Yeah? Okay. And also, they used to get the police motorcycle display team. He used to form a human pyramid on the back of a bike. I mean... Very good. See, why don't the police... What about community policing?

If they're travelling around like that, people would... You know, they'd get a sort of Red Arrows affection. You asked earlier why people turned against Crocs, because when they came in, they were widely regarded as cool. People thought they were great. They were innovative and stylish, I think, were your exact words.

They had everything. I still feel that, but most people, not just gone off them, but I'm talking about the Croc mockery, which is... Yes, Crocery. Croc mockery, it's everywhere. 082 who said hi team i think it was to do with the people eager to adopt them frequently paired as they were with a pair of three-quarter length

trousers certain middle-aged friends of mine did this i tend not to see them anymore wow but you Wow. But you see, again, that's a big reaction. Whereas Uggs have stayed acceptable. Not entirely. No, they are still acceptable. I still, and I know this is an old-fashioned thing, but I still man Uggs I have a problem with. Oh, yes. No-one's suggesting we do a Ronnie Wood on it. The Ronnie Wood black man Uggs.

I'm just saying, or Lawrence Fox, I'm just saying. Does he wear that? He's a good old character. I always associate with some sort of soreness. I think people think, oh, I can't wear a proper shoe. I couldn't wear anything

with a proper seam. I'll have to og my way through. If your feet are very bad, you can maybe just wear an odd sleeve on the calf. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. My

tour manager, Omar, has sent me a picture of himself in the fake Crocs. I mean, is that legal? Am I alright having that on my phone? has sent me a picture of himself in the fake Crocs. Oh. I mean, is that legal? Am I all right having that on my phone? No. I don't know.

Well, I haven't seen the picture. I'm not quite sure what else is happening in it. I don't know how litigious the Crocs people are. Good question. 660, Nasher of Bedford, who's one of our regular... Oh, hi, Nasher. Hi, all. in the days of vinyl the cover that the record came in was known as a sleeve

and there was an inner sleeve of course and then he says, funny that records also have holes in the middle much like bagels maybe it's just that then do you get a sleeve of polos? oh that's Nasher there's a programme that Do you get a sleeve of polos? Oh. No. Okay. What about...

That's Nasha. There's a programme that my son is obsessed with called Dennis and Nasha Unleashed. It's on CBBC. And the theme tune is sort of heavy guitar. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. And they're going, Dennis Nasher, Dennis. But the way it's distorted, it really sounds like Dennis Thatcher.

And it's really weird, these rock voices screaming Dennis Thatcher over and over. It seems it's not a thing you ever heard, even when he was in his pomp in the 80s. Although it could have been one of those punk bands in the late 70s. I've had some sleeve correspondence. David, he says in Glasgow a carton of cigarettes is

known as a sleeve of fags. Is it really? I believe so, yeah. I like that. No Stranger says the same. Cigarettes come in sleeves. A 200 pack is known as a sleeve. And Michael says, a friend of mine once told me he ate a whole sleeve of Weetabix.

I like that friend on two counts there. Big appetite and interesting vocabulary. There used to be a thing about three shredded wheat. Was that the thing? If you had three shredded wheat, you were... I remember Ian Botham did an advert which suggested his masculinity had been... Was it sort of implied it was

a feat that very few humans could achieve? I think it was. Ridiculous. We've also had some interesting information on the new forest, re the new forest. Your question about the new forest ponies has been answered and they're all owned by commoners who have grazing rights on the forest.

They're occasionally rounded up and there are regular auctions in guineas. However, they aren't broken in. I guess that means... I thought there'd be regular auctions in weenies. Visitors, however, try to feed and pet them and this is not good. It brings them into the car parks and campsites and onto

the roads. Also, feeding them messes up their digestion, can make them ill and interferes with the job of grazing on the forest. Cows and pigs are also released. The pigs eat the acorns, which are poisonous for the ponies. How do the cows help each other out?

I think they're thinking of the moo forest. No, there were cows there. We saw them. I like the idea of the horses and ponies being on the campsite. You know when you've got to go to the shower block and it's dark? Just get on a horse.

Shower block? You know the shower block. No, I don't. You used to see people walking confidently to the shower block and then coming back falling over guide ropes and stuff because they hadn't got their lenses in anymore. Oh, anyway.

Well, look, we're near the end and it's been as ever. You know what? We did a pre-record and stuff last week. Being in the studio is so good, isn't it? Nice. It's like a different... It makes me happy.

Anyway, thank you for all your texts and all your involvement. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks happy. Anyway, thank you for all your texts and all your involvement. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.