The Frank Skinner Show - It’s Adjacent

Episode Date: July 10, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to a football match… The team also discuss the BBC’s new logo, favourite Junior’s and Declan Rice becoming an uncle. Oh, and it’s coming home.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Go on. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good. Good. How are you, Frank? What's been, anything happening this week to you? Well, I'll tell you what. I went to a football match. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I was coming back and. You were coming back? I was going back in the car. Oh, it's coming back. And I was,

I've been doing television for 34 years and I had about 10 texts saying, I've been doing television for 34 years and I had about 10 texts saying, I've just seen you on television. And I thought, is it that rare now? They have to catch me in a crowd looking awful. Baseball cap? Baseball. But that was my...

You know, last week I talked about the disguise cap that celebrities have. I noticed this. I devoted probably 27 minutes to Googling the logo on your cap. Oh. Because I couldn't see it. And it looked like it said Hutch Oak.

And I thought, oh, is that in Oklahoma? I couldn't see what it said well I'll tell you what it is I got it free of course because I haven't bought any clothing since the fifth year in fact I didn't buy any in the fifth year my parents bought in fact my my parents basically handed the buying me clothes baton over to the BBC and ITV and they bought me clothes for the rest of my life. Nevertheless, I, what was the question? Oh yes, so it says, yes, it's, you know this country, the popular sitcom with Daisy and Charlie Cooper, well they've made an American version and that was part of the merch, was that cap. So I wasn't actually, I wasn't paid to wear it,

but it's in the house. So I put that on. It was working well. I think me and Dave were there. No one recognised us. And then Stan Collymore spotted us, and he came over and took, because he doesn't wear a cap,

because if anyone shoved him about, he'd rip their ears off. And remember when he said to Vanilla Ice in the farm, do you want to go outside? Come on. Do you want to go outside? It's fantastic. Was he offering to do some extra farming? I think he was going to plough him in some way. I wish Vanilla Ice had responded by saying,

stop, collaborate and listen. No, it wasn't. Vanilla Ice once hung from saying, stop, collaborate and listen. It wasn't Vanilla Ice. Once, Hung From His Ankles by Suge Knight, the hip-hop producer from a sort of tent-story balcony, in a discussion about rights, I think we'd call it. I don't know, but the fact that you know that gives me such immense joy. Oh, well, anyway, so...

Well, the discussion rights, right, baby. Oh! Oh! I loved, I absolutely loved it. I have to say, we looked, I mean, I don't look good in a baseball cap. Me and Dave, I thought, when I, someone was sending

me screen grabs, you know, you've been on telly, screen grabs, and we looked terrible i mean if there's another friends reunion in in 2051 that's what it will look like i mean oh my goodness i just thought look at that i'll be that quite a slight element of, you know, when Simon and Garfunkel did those things in Hyde Park. Bit of a... Anyway, you know, it wasn't about us. I was very excited.

Al, I sent Frank and David a video because I was watching it with the Rosses, my friends, Jane and Jonathan, and I took... I said, oh, my God, they're on telly! So I videoed it and then I scanned round to Jonathan's reaction, which was what, Frank? It was just him shrugging in a kind of a, what? What?

But it was a lovely antidote, because humility's so important in this business. And, you know, it was one of those nights, it was a weird night, and then there was Jonathan Ross looking indifferent. And we need a bit of that. Yes. Apparently the great pashas and sultans

used to have a man whose job was purely to say to them every day, and one day you shall die. And they, yeah, that was his job. Oh. Stan Collymore still doing it to all sorts of people. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, Gary McColl says,

every single time I cry when I hear three lines, and so say all of us, it is the greatest football anthem of all time. 55 years of hurt. Our time is now. Apparently, I shouldn't join in. I'm Scottish, but I am, and I will, because I'm 100% backing England.

I felt I should read that out. That is that. I also identify as Scottish, being born in Glasgow, but I am... also identify as Scottish being born in Glasgow but I am I too am delighted I too am delighted for England and love Three Lions so there you go

put that in your pipe and smoke at Graham Souness I thought you identify as Yorkshire but I think it's ok now because I think all the Scottish and Welsh and Irish listeners, they went about ten minutes ago from the show. I understand that.

Come back next week if there's any of you still left. 398 has texted cha-ching, which I think is yet again a reference to your Labour song. But the people from the rest of the British Isles who've switched off now, if we lose, they'll be here next week. Don't worry about that. Oh, man.

Their alarms will be going off at five to eight. I imagine the alarm would be... I have a question about the phrase, it's coming home. Hold on, this is... Just a sec, Scotsman's alarm going off at 5.28 next week if we lose. Here we go. Wasn't that time already? Oh, they lost!

Skin is on the radio! Oh, I can't wait for this! The Satanac! A bit of drama there on... There's one thing missing from Absolute Radio. There are no dramas or stuff on... I think they're working on that. Yeah, there should be.

Sorry, Al. I interrupted you, but I already had my finger on the jingle button, and you know what that's like on a Saturday morning. Oh, yeah. I can't do the show anymore. I know when somebody's got a comedy bullet in the chair. Well, you can feel it.

That's because you know the game. Can't not squeeze the trigger there. They don't all know the game, Al, but you know the game. Anyway, I have quite the game. Anyway, I have quite a humdrum question because the phrase, it's coming home, is now everywhere, isn't it? Like, it was even on some colouring in that my daughter

brought back from school the other day. Yeah, it's everywhere. I mean, I know this is obvious, but it did start with the song, didn't it? The phrase, it's coming home. Yes, I'll tell you what about, you know, originally it was this marketing thing, football comes home.

That was the marketing thing for Euro 96. And we kind of liked it, but didn't think they'd got it quite right. But when me and Dave wrote the lyric originally, we wrote, it's coming home, it's coming home. And I can't remember what, but we didn't want to use the word football. So it was, it's coming home, it's coming home. And I can't remember what, but we didn't want to use the word football. So it was, it's coming home, it's coming home.

It's very much coming home. I don't know what it was we said, but it was just it. And then Ian Brodie said, I think you should mention football. And that's how it became football's coming. So for us, it was just it's coming home. But he did the clever bit.

You know, he knows his stuff. Good to know that. I mean, until then, the phrase it's coming home, but he did the clever bit. You know, he knows his stuff. It's good to know that. I mean, until then, the phrase it's coming home had only really been used on television when homing pigeon tournaments were televised back then. Well, you know my next-door neighbour, the one whose wife put the alarm clock half-full with urine on our kitchen table.

Oh, that. He took my dad's homing pigeons to release them so that they would come back just to get them used to it. And we never ever saw any of them again. And my dad went to his grave saying that he'd sold those pigeons. They never got the chance. It's quite hard to steal homing pigeons. Yeah. Do you know what? what i feel keep them chained i feel there's been karmic recompense that you've made a song called it's

coming home yeah maybe you're right i like to think though are you quite right i like to think the pigeon fanciers across that that the greatest of all descriptionson fanciers have embraced it. Friendship on Absolute Radio. Matt has been in touch on the Twitter. Welcome. To say this. Surely Sir Frank, Sir David and Sir Lightning Seeds is way overdue. I would love...

It's about time they gave a band an honour isn't it because if you go into music as an individual like Cliff Richard then you're liable to become Sir Cliff Richard

but the Shadows would have thought well you know we were there with him why not Sir Shadows Sir Shadows fair enough I think that

they should think about that at the what about Sir Fall oh that would have been good yeah too late now i know sorry everybody bring it mood down everyone yeah what about um dame atomic kitten oh that would be that's such a good eye oh my god so i've had so many good ideas on this show over the years to put them all in the list we could change the world often for other people aren't they they're often little tweaks for other people exactly but the queen i'm sure i was trying out that out at

the queen it is true that there is nothing there's nothing less about being in a band than there is about being an in an individual you just choose In fact, it's a marvellous example of community that should be celebrated by the honours list. We've also had a missive. Queen could be awkward. Dame the Queen. Dame Queen. I mean, she wouldn't like that, would she? Dame the Queen.

That sounds like every friend my parents ever had. We've also had a missive from Shaky100. I don't think it's Sir. No, it won't be. Sir Shaky. Sir Stevens. He's Welsh. He'll be furious.

Yeah. He will be listening. Shaky100. I think he's still in lockdown, Shaky and Stevens. Sir Stevens. He's behind the green. Oh. Behind the green.

He says, I saw you on the last leg last night We've had a lot of people in saying this This is an interesting contribution Can you ask David where he got his shoes from They were great David was wearing some cross of St George suede slip ons That I think he was sent in 1996

And That's interesting I think you can probably have David's is what I he was sent in 1996. Wow. That's interesting. I think you can probably have David is what I... I think he's a four and a half. I think he has to wear snowshoes in the winter lest he become submerged.

Sven Goran Eriksson, I think he was a five or something. Was he really? Yeah. Wow. Delicate. I'm surprised he didn't topple over. Ooh, like an antelope.

Yeah. Still, it meant him and Ulrika could watch telly in bed. Nothing in the way. So, is it out now? Should I continue with my old life? We've had quite a lot of people echoing the

sentiments of 848 who says come on Frank! It's coming home. If I stand at the end of my drive, I can just about see it. It does feel very adjacent. What if we're brought out of... There is one angry Scott who disagrees. No, that's fair enough.

I absolutely accept that. Are you sure? But what about if we're brought out a new version that comes out tomorrow morning that says, it's adjacent, it's adjacent, it's extremely adjacent, it's actually in the postcode? Just to spoil it all. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I've got a quick question. Are we definitely going to win? Well, I tell you, one of my least favourite things is football predictions. That's one thing you get a score going to be. Frank, you've mistaken me for the astrologer Russell Grant. I know, but I did get it right. What, you picked the score?

I texted Matt Ford. He said, how's it going to be? I said, I think did get it right. What, you picked the score? I texted Matt Ford. He said, how's it going to be? I said, I think it'll be tight. 2-1 England. I think I might have even said extra time. Wow. There you go. Wow.

But what? You, Nostradamus. Yeah, exactly. Nostradamus. Don't compare me to Nostradamus. He got everything wrong. No, when he said... Hister.

A red sparrow will land on a brown gate and people said, there you are, the Russian Revolution. Yeah. Oh, man. Did he say it was coming home? No. How would he have said it?

He wouldn't have said it. The thing I loved about Nostra is that he made you work for it. He did. He wouldn't say it's coming home. He'd say, I'll put the kettle on. And you just have to draw it from that Nostradamus. Very understated.

That was his thing. Where was he from? Was he French, Nostradamus? Oh, I don't know. Al, do you know where Nostradamus was from? Anyone? 8, 12, 15? Where where Nostradamus was from anyone 8, 12, 15 where was

Nostradamus from what's more important where did he go so yeah obviously I think

we're going to win but I'm trying to think what could spoil is there anything that could spoil it other than losing?

And I thought, if Gareth Southgate was identified as the fake shake who got Sam Allardyce the sack. Oh, that would be a shame. Oh, after we'd trusted him. You know, he's sort of football manager closest in spirit to Greta Thunberg. And then suddenly we find out he's a sinister cat. Oh, that'd be awful.

Imagine the grainy black and white photos of him with a glass of wine. There's always a glass of wine in the hotel room. Oh, no. Just under the shake clothes, just a hint of ice coat. Awful. Well, he's gone Thai now. I like the Thai.

He's gone Thai, has he? Well, he's gone tie now. I like the tie. He's gone tie, has he? Well, he's got the blue lucky tie with the polka dot tie. Have you not spotted it? I haven't noticed a rankier tie. Yeah, he has the tie. It's his lucky tie. Ian Wright wears it now as well.

I'm all across the clothing. I find it a bit of a tie. Oh. I'm all across the clothing. I find it a bit of a tie. Oh. Oh. Can I say, my consolations to the Spice Girls who announced their 25th anniversary this week.

That was a very bad idea. I'd awaited a bit and said our 25th and 10 days anniversary so just nobody even noticed it did you notice it wow i mean i tell you who's going to be thrilled about that atomic kitten oh my god the girl bands i feel that way it's like i found atomic kitten on waste ground and i just happen to have a couple of defibrillators with me and I've brought them back I feel like Frankenstein I've brought up the kitten here they are beautiful when I say me I mean us of course yeah but generally speaking when I say us Of course you do I also like this text message that we've just received from Lee

in Stoke who also goes by the numbers 165 at the end of his number What's the most random thing people have said they'll do if England win tomorrow My mate says he'll shave his eyebrows off When i asked him why he said i'm bald and clean shaven what else can i do that's true he's running out of options it's like me at lent once you know smoke don't drink don't do drugs don't once that um in the end you're giving up stuff like tea

and that's too much, isn't it? That was a tough year for you, that Lent. That was my worst ever Lent. What was your worst ever Lent? 12, 15. I'm sorry, I thought we were done there. I do a Catholic radio show on Thursdays. There have been so many, dear.

We've had another supportive Scot. Oh, wow. Oh, good. This is from no one Scot. Oh wow. Oh good. This is from no one, this person's called. Okay. As a Scotsman He's wisely keeping anonymous if he's still living in Scotland.

As a Scotsman I have no interest as to whether it's coming home or not but as I grew up watching Fantasy Football League it's filled my heart with joy seeing Frank and David on TV together again. Now, I appreciate that's praise, but I think they're extenuating circumstances.

Yes, of course. OK. Do they still toss the caber in... Is that a thing that still happens in Scotland? I used to be fascinated by that as a kid. You know, they run with, like, a big telegraph. Was it? Must be hard to shoot. Hard to

shoot in landscape. You want it in portrait ready to get the full caber. Is the caber essentially free? I've made this up. It was sort of the upside down pole vault. Al, was it essentially, I'm going over to you as our Scottish correspondent, was it essentially, I'm going over to you as our Scottish correspondent,

was it essentially a version of The World's Strongest Man, but just on a budget? Yeah, I think there was a bit of that in it, but the cape, that's a great thing. It's that thing of letting it sit on your hands like that and just, oh, man. I've done it with smaller things, but I'm very impressed by the Caper Guys. Caper Guy!

That is what Jim Carrey should have done. A film about the Highland Games, in which they call him Caper Guy. Oh, when a joke is born. Anyway, it was a warm-hearted family atmosphere at Wembley on Wednesday. If your family are enormous, sweary, drunken blokes in England, I've got to say, I mean, I don't want to spoil the party now, but if I get out of this without COVID-19,

it'll be an absolute miracle because it is a world where it doesn't exist. You'd love it, Al. It's just there's no social distancing. I think I was the only, me and Dave were the only people in masks and they were mainly for disguise purposes. I think this could be the Delta variants,

Cheltenham Gold Cup. Oh, no. Really? Oh, man. So, I'm more man. So let's enjoy ourselves while we can tomorrow. It was really terrifying in some ways. But hey, like I say, I don't want to put a downer on it. You must have been getting...

How did it feel reforming the band, Frank, last night on the last leg? It was... Every's always lovely. Every time I see Ian, which is once every two years, I, we always say, I always say, it's been really great hanging out with you. Let's keep in touch. We say, yeah. And then the next time I see him, it's another football tournament

and we're doing three lines somewhere. So that's, you know, I'm not very good at the friend thing. I like. Are you still not? I've tried for years, but... You have tried. No, it's... I don't know. I don't know how people do it.

And thus, I find... That's what they should have played over that shot of me and Dave. They should have put one of those circles over me when they identify the person, then they should have played that. Even in a crowd, the caption should have said. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You choose, we respond. That's how we do it. Emily was telling me earlier

that she puts the oven on at home. Oh, God. to keep warm. Well you're making me sound like sort of Little Nell. Is it electric or gas? Oh, I think it's gas. I think that's quite bad for you isn't it?

It's terrible for the atmosphere. You're breathing in the North Sea. The North Sea's darker extracts. Apologies to anyone who's offended and to Greta, but I'm just saying occasionally, I'm just saying I enjoy, I'm not encouraging others to do it. Absolute Radio does not endorse turning on the oven.

I don't think it's a bad thing. But I'm just saying, Frank. We can't do it because I put a pan in the oven, not realising there was a plastic tag on it where they'd hung it up in the shop. And there was this sudden terrible smell of melt in 21st century in the house. And we've never really...

It dripped onto the floor of the oven and we've never really got rid of it. So every time that oven goes on now, there's a slight open-the-doors panic going on. My fault, my bad. You know there's people that specialise in cleaning ovens that will come round and fix that for you. I've heard of that.

An affordable fee, I think. Oh, really? Yeah. OK, I might look up oven cleaners. Does your oven not clean itself? For goodness sake. Well, the self-cleaning oven, I thought, went with matey. It cleans the bath as well.

The older... There's a children's bath thing that cleaned the bath as well. And then it turned out it contained bleach. That was how they did it. Oh, dear. Yeah. But I think it's still available, but it don't clean the bed no more

because the bleach is gone. So I don't want to do down mighty if you want to get some. It's safe now. Maybe that's what explains Phil Foden. He's been dunking his head into the old mason. Oh, yeah, if he slept in the matey's chair. That's what they should do with Phil Fowler. If he scores, they should fire matey into his mouth.

Oh, man. No mateys around the far. If you've never heard of matey, I think it still exists, but it was a pirate-themed bath. What do they call it? A bath? Bubble bath. Yeah, sort of bubble bath.

I don't know how heavy it was on the bubbles, but it got you and the bath clean. It was tremendous. And there was a Mrs. Matey as well. There was a Mrs. Matey, yeah. Respect to her. And if you've never heard of the... I wasn't trying to suggest that it was just like Captain Matey.

I'm thinking of it as the Matey dynasty who brought it about. And if you've never heard of the dentist chair... Yeah, you've probably heard of the dentist chair, I think. Not everyone has. Okay, it was what some footballers from England got drunk in before the 1996 European Championships. Lovely idea, really. A dangerous thing in a club where you lie...

The dentist's chair went fully back and people poured alcohol into your mouth. Sounds a bit risk of drowning. It was like the shameful five, wasn't there? But you know, those things you see, maybe you've done this.

One of you might have done this. You know, you see people like on holiday and they've got those sort of jugs of wine and a big, like a sort of a, I'm going to say a wee,

a sort of wee comes out of it. Yes. And you drink it and that looks dangerous well i'll tell you what happened to me at the this morning party with the vodka ice sculpture oh do what was the sculpture off it was a man let's leave it like that wow on this morning there's such a dark underbelly this morning phil scofield sculpture. Do you find that?

If we discovered there is a TV show where they have a dungeon, a dungeon of torture and people are being held against their will, my money would be on this morning every time. It's funny you should say that, Frank. All I'll say, I was thrust underneath the Iceman.

Yeah. Don't call Philip that I was thrust underneath the Iceman. Yeah. Don't call Philip that. The Iceman, come on. I was thrust underneath the Iceman, and the vodka came out of an area of him, and it went directly into my eyes. Wow. I nearly had to go home.

I was almost blinded. I was in tears in every respect. But it would be the best blinding anecdote of all time. I'm sorry, I was blinded by the simulated

vodka-based urine of the This Morning Ice Sculpture Man. Uh-oh. Did that happen to a friend? No, it didn't.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Michael G. Clarke has got in touch. Did he used to do 15 to 1? What was he called? I think he started Factory Records or something. What was he called? William G. Stewart. William G. Stewart. William G. Stewart.

Good shout. What do we think about that? The skulls. Well, no, the initial in the... Michael J. Fox. Yeah. Or K. Cochran. I've never used the...

I've always been a fan, as you know, of the initial initial. I think of two disparate characters, F. Scott Fitzgerald and H. Samuel. That's what I think of these. And that, there's something, you know, there's a writer called O. Henry. Oh, yes. And it's almost like a quote. O. Henry.

I think people, was it Harry S. Truman? Harry S. Truman, yeah. Was that a real S? I think sometimes they insert it, the Americans, in order to sound posher than they are. Well, they do. Like the third. They do, yeah.

There's only three generations. But we don't do junior over here, do we? Oh, no, we don't. Whereas the Americans love... Who's your favourite junior? Oh, it's got to be Robert Downe. Yeah. Neymar.

The duster. Neymar, of course. Oh, yeah. I think Sammy... Frank Sinatra Jr. Sammy Davis Jr. kind of... He defined the... Yeah.

Yeah, the genre. He was a great junior in his own right. Normally the junior has to be attached to the senior. Yeah, I like it when you've only heard of the junior. Or Robert Downey Jr., there you go. Oh, it's like the Sorcerer's Apprentice, you know. Yeah. Favourite juniors, 8, 12, 15.

I wonder if we'll get any Huddersfield Town fans suggesting Junior Bent, who played for them for a while. But see, that's a bit cheating, isn't it, if it's their name? Well, they're inventive people. Well, we don't cheat, it's gamesmanship. Also, Junior, who's... Game management is what they call it. Oh, yes, game management, I love. You have to be is what they called it. Oh, yes. Game Management, I love.

You have to be careful how you say it. Oh, quite. Junior, who sung Mama Used to Say. Oh, yeah. Mama used to say... But he wasn't a junior, though. No. In the classic sense of the term.

Michael G. Clarke will return to him. Oh, yeah, Michael G. Clarke. Yes, sorry. One of the great digressions filmed over at Mass in the term. Michael G. Clarke will return to him. Oh yeah, Michael G. Clarke. Sorry, one of the great digressions we'll know about in future. What I like is he just got in touch to say, I keep forgetting what a big hooey Frank is. Lovely chap. Hooey? What does that mean?

Is that because you're into the Doctor Who? Oh, is it spelt W-H? Oh, OK. Can I just say Michael G. Clarke, I don't keep forgetting. I never forget. That's a luxury week I afford.

The greatest thing I've ever heard in my life, Cockrell. I've never been that keen on the phrase Whovian. Are you a Whovian? What do you call yourself, you people? There's an element of someone who vacuums. Yeah, I suppose he works

as a Whovian in a hotel. You should like vacuum cleaners. You use them for most of the costumes. That's what they look like they've been made out of. What? Take that back.

Anyway, have we heard from the outside world? Because, you know, it's not about me. And relax. That's going to fool me this week. Al, what about, we had some lovely responses in to last week's show. I will, I'm going to give you a little tease here. Let's just say, liturgical chants. to last week's show. I will... I'm going to give you a little tease here. Oh.

Let's just say liturgical chants. Oh, I... Do you know what? I never thought we'd get a response to that. Well, I am all ears. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank,

number one, it's coming home. Number two, we've had a tweet in from McT. OK. Oh. Yeah, come on. He says, Ray Parker Jr. of Ghostbusters theme fame. Oh, yes, that's a good one. Who was Ray Parker Sr., I wonder? That's very good.

Strangest lyric in Ghostbusters. I'm afraid of no ghosts. Fine. I can work with that. I hear he likes the girls. Yeah. I don't like that. No. I'm on a creepy ghost.

What about lyrics in Neil Diamond's Sweet Caroline? And when I hurt, hurting runs off my shoulders. Right. Makes me think of showering. Yeah. Is that what he's thinking of? And when I shower, showering runs off my shoulders. And then his agent has said,

I'd make it a bit more poignant than showering. People don't. What do you think? We're running a text in today. One of our more obscure, I think, is who's your favourite junior? Yes. And 996 has nailed it for me with junior dyspren. Oh, God.

I think there was a junior aspirin as well, wasn't there? Yeah. They were not quite nice, actually. Dangerously tasty. Nice. Yeah, they had like an orangey flavour. Just what you want to do when you're leaving tablets around the house for children. They were quite nice.

That's how Elvis started. These are quite nice. They were without doubt the nicest. I mean, cow poll as well. Lovely. You've been getting strung out on junior disc race. Is that going to be where I go now? Yeah, because after England won the Euros,

he started eating the cow poll and became very nommed, very nommed to life. Dave C has been in touch. Dave of York. Dave C, who do we think that is? Cameron. Oh, yes, yes. It's obvious now I think about it. Carry on. See, I went Chappelle. Google it. Oh, yeah, good. He's pointed out we have the younger rather than junior like pete the younger that is good that is great dave i mean i would have liked um sammy davis the younger that would have been that would have what about frank robert downey the younger but i don't think you can tap dance if you're called the

younger kenya it's too formal did they did the other did they call they did say pit the elder didn't they said there's pit the elder pit the elder and pit the younger that's great yes i i think we did well there but um still like a junior and dan bauer has pointed out that george bush senior was called that but then George W. Bush was never George Bush Junior, so it's almost as if, you know, George Bush Senior, he set it up for you. Yeah, and then he said, and he went, no, I want the initial sandwich, I'm going to go for that one. Isn't it still up?

No, no, I've set you up for Junior. No, but I want the initial sandwich thing. I don't care what you... Don't tell me what to do. You're always telling me what to do. That's Home with the Bushes. There, you're on Absolute Radio. I'm going to make this one of the leading drama stations on radio.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Cuba Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Cuba Gooding. Cuba Gooding. Oh, Cuba Gooding Jr. How did we possibly miss that? Yeah.

And Cuba Gooding the Elder, I believe. Oh, yeah. It's interesting. It just made me wonder if in the UK we go with the younger. I wonder if Paul Young has children that could be called Paul Young the Younger. Younger. Oh, yeah. That'd be good.

Or Barb Younger. Do you remember her? No. She's a sort of comedian from the 80s. We've just got two more to add. She's in a double act called, I think, Parker and Younger, or Younger and Parker. Parker and Younger doesn't sound so good.

Anyway. We've got a couple more just to add to the list. David Williams has thrown in Donald Trump Jr. Oh, yeah, I forgot about him as well. Wow, haven't we all? And then Nate H. I've not. Well, David did add, I'm sure he'd have owls vote.

Nate H has added Harry Connick. Oh, God. Oh, yeah. HCJ? What I would like is a TV documentary series that interviewed the seniors that we don't know and find out what they're like and what they've done with their lives. Wouldn't that be a great idea for a TV show?

That's a good idea. It could be called Junior's Dad. Oh, that is good, yeah. One of your recent text-ins was, do you do liturgical chants? Can you explain what it meant by that? Well, it was, have you ever converted a commonplace saying to a liturgical chant? It came from, I got a dog recently and someone said to me,

he was jumping up them in the park and they said, oh, he can smell our dog on me. And I remember the neighbour, who I seem to be speaking about a lot lately, come round and whenever our dog went absolutely mentally, if anyone came to the house, and he jumped all over her, and she always said he can smell our dog on me, although he would do it if someone had never been,

someone had come, had been brought up under some stairs in a cupboard, arrived, he was still a donny. And I started, I converted it into a liturgical chant which was He can smell our dog on me and I sang that a lot and I just wondered if anyone else had

converted commonplace sayings to a liturgical chant. It was a shot in the dark but on this show there's always a chance someone out there has done whatever you ask. It's borne some fruit. Oh, lovely.

I mean, it didn't light up the switchboard, but it has borne some fruit. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, as children, we did much chanting. There was We Want Window Winder used on long journeys to request at great length the single window winder. I wish I knew what the tune was. In Mum's old Volvo. Do we know what the tune was then? No. In Mum's old Volvo that was kept in the glove box.

I just like the idea that a car had one window winder that would then be passed around. I like the alliteration of we want window winder. It's very good, isn't it? Another was Steak and Kidney, which was accompanied by a complicated hand-slapping game. Hours of fun. And then Jake praises the show, which I won't read. No.

No. I mean, thank you, Jake, but, you know, I think one has to have a certain decorum in these matters. Yeah. In case you're new to the show, I wince every time i hear someone on a on another channel they don't do it on absolute say yeah i've got a calling from dave said i absolutely love your show you're fantastic keep that just keep it on in your head that's a nice

thing but once you've said it's a nasty thing oh god we've had uh I'd just like to throw a brief W into the George Bush section of last week's show. The brief W interruption is Steve Burgess, who said, in response to the broken fares, hire a private investigator. You know what? That's good. I don't mind it. I should say we use affairs to mark the time on the show.

It's a long story. I know. And someone broke it and hid it, and then we found it all broken. I've moved on now. You know, I wish... Go with peace and love. Yeah.

I'm too happy to let that Fez criminal upset me. I personally never let happiness get in the way of malice. Little motto for you all there. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. I'm going to do what I believe they call a shout-out, the young people, to Carl, and Carl is the manager.

He was the manager. He was the manager of Felton Sports Direct. Sports Direct, is that the Muhammad Ali carrier bag? Is that Sports Direct, or is that the other one? That's that one, yeah. And matching luggage now, I think, for a great many people. But our producer, Sarah, went in there to try and get some decorations for the studio, England flags and all that sort of stuff.

And Carl just gave us a bunch of stuff and it looks great in here so thank you Carl from Feltham. Thank you Carl and I didn't do a Feltham joke I think we should all maybe have a moment just to celebrate that thank you very much. Thank you

Mature. Yes and I'm growing That's fortunately we haven't mentioned Oldham or Peckham. No, no. We've been discussing people called junior and senior and, of course, the UK variant of younger, the younger. I was just thinking there was the George Foreman approach where he had about eight kids and he called all the sons George.

Yeah. And I think there was a Georgette as well and a Georgina amongst the daughters. I mean, that really... It's lovely to just get it done and you don't have to keep thinking about it every time. But I don't know... A lot of people that wear the same outfit all the time,

just there's no need... They don't need to use up any of their bandwidth. The Steve Jobs approach. Always wear the black polo neck. Yeah. Or, of course, the classic Doctor Who. More or less the same clothes every week. Even the assistants just wore the same clothes.

The TARDIS must have stunk. That's not even talking about the smoke. Natasha Warburton has actually got in touch, read that very point. I'm not sure about Junior, but my favourite child of a star's name is Jermajesty. Oh, that is... Jermaine Jackson's son. Oh, yes. That is brilliant.

Who also does have a sibling called Jermaine Junior. Oh, is that right? Yeah. JJ. I bet he's called JJ. Oh, Bruce Forsyth had a son called Jermaine Jr. Oh, is that right? JJ. I bet he's called JJ. Oh, Bruce Forsyth had a son called JJ, I believe. I only know that because I remember seeing a picture of him in Hello wearing a baby

Grotox. And it was one of the first I'd ever seen. Respect. I'd like one of those for a corporate's comeback. I did a sketch with Bruce Forsyth in which I was a receptionist. And I also played a young woman in it who phoned in and said,

I'd like to speak to my uncle, Bruce. No, she came in and said, I want to see my uncle, Bruce. And I phoned up Bruce Forsyth and it cuts to him and he goes, yes. And I say, nice to see you to see you nice some of my best work this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean

and Alan Cochran you can text the show on 0215 follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio email the show

via the Absolute Radio website. Hannah, Dan and Joseph, who they say have a sideline of doing rock band, I think it's mainly rock band themed coasters. Oh, yeah. Have sent me some Alice Cooper coasters. You know, my son, Barcy, is a massive... What do they call them? Cooperites. There's probably some Recuperator or something of that nature.

Cooperian? Yeah. Pun? Cooperian. Cooperian would be good, yeah. Anyway, and thanks for the coasters. You can't have enough coasters, that's my motto. Well, I know you love a coaster. Oh, man.

It's one of your unusual mottos, actually. It is, but it does fit. I have done that thing of literally sliding a coaster into space as a visitor's cop goes down towards the wooden table top. You are very hot on the coasters. I ate a ring on a wooden table. See, I like a ring. See, it reminds me of the mark of the Mr. Ons

in Captain Scarlet, which is a slightly blurry ring. Oh yes, meet it. What on earth? Yeah, it reminds you everyone of that. Yeah. I like this. This is the voice of the Mr. Ons. Do you not remember that? Absolutely not. Okay. I like the ring is the voice of the Mr. Ons. Do you not remember that?

Absolutely not. OK. I like the ring on the table because... Really? Yeah. Because it reminds me of the sort of posh person's old country farmhouse. Oh, yeah. Just put your cup down there, yeah, with all the horse tacklers.

Fine, all the dog biscuits. I can't do it. I can't actually put... I've been in places where there's been absolutely dilapidated tables and i still haven't i'll take a bit of paper at my pocket or something and put it under i just can't i cannot put a hot cup on a wooden table okay i can't do it make shift coaster yeah i just come'll use something like a mass leaflet. Okay.

Okay. Of course. What else has been happening this week? Well, first of all, it turns out that this initials and junior senior thing has got an enormous golf pedigree, which i'd like to bring to your attention um 207 has texted hail s erwin brackets american golfer has no middle name the s was added on the advice of hail's dad who told him that golf was a rich man's game and he'd need a middle initial if he wanted to get on what you see, I've heard I'm sure I've heard

I've heard Hale Irwin said a lot of times without the S. Has he always had the S? Or was that a late addition? There's a question for you. We had a good one actually which was Lon Chaney Jr. Yes, we did. Someone sent in Lon

Chaney Jr. and as he said which made me love him even more, I will find his name soon, a bit of a current one for you. Yeah, but Lon Chaney... What was the deal with that? I'll tell you what's good about that. It's one of the rare examples where I know the father as well. Lon Chaney was the original Man of a thousand faces he was like did a lot of horror

films oh yeah a lot of silent stuff and that yeah and his son lon chaney jr i think they're different people was um in the uh popular tv series hawkeye played uh chingachook the native american right so i think i think that's an example and someone correct me if i'm wrong problematic i think it's all right um and there's uh no actually looking back looking back on when we first met looking back i wish i'd brought it up looking back on when we first met, it was highly problematic. Damn Lon Chaney Jr. and his... Cancellable content. Yeah, exactly. I hate him now.

I wish that canoe had had a hole in it. Here's a story that may remind you of a parable called The Emperor's New Clothes. I think that's a parable, isn't it? Well, it's a story. The BBC, is it not? Is it just a story? It's a fairy story, I think, isn't it?

Ah, OK. I have to stand corrected. I don't know. I'll text Esop. He knows. According to what I like to call the bloids, the tabloids, the BBC have splashed out tens of thousands of pounds on a new logo that looks exactly the same as the old logo. Well, a bit smaller, isn't it? Tiny bit different. I mean, maybe they don't know you can do that thing.

You know that thing on your phone where if you just squeeze the thing a bit, it gets a bit smaller? Turning. I believe it's... Zoom out. It's a treatment. It's a treatment. I'm okay with a treatment.

Is that... Is there a... Is it me? Or was there a story several years ago about the BBC changing their logo for tens of thousands of pounds and it being a waste of licensed players' money? Well, I'm glad you've brought that up, actually, Frank, because I have a theory about logos. And that is that they only ever really get in the news for being ridiculously expensive and or unclear. Like, you know, that sometimes they're sort of weird hieroglyphics that nobody can

read and they've cost three and a half million pounds. I think logos might be a rip off. There you go. I've said it. Okay. I'm afraid I disagree. I think news, if you want a hot news logo, it's got to be the 2012 Olympics. That was, I mean, that was the logo that broke the internet, wasn't it? Well, I'm going to say I respect you. I have great love and affection for you as a colleague and friend.

I don't know about you, Albert. This feels like somebody just focusing their telescopic sights. And he's in range. However, there was always going to be a however. Yeah. I love a logo. I think the logo is crucial to the brand identity. Now, the reason for this,

I think this might be to do with my fashion history, and the reinvented logo is a thing. Every house reinvents their logo periodically. They have to. Why do they have to? Because your audience, your market changes. 22-year-old ain't going to like what your 42-year-old likes, OK? Louboutin had to be, you know, had to be,

they have to be juged up. That's a term that people use. I know, but my motto is, zhuzh ye not for as she's zhuzh, so shall ye be zhuzhed. For example, you know, 70s fonts, this is a sherbet dib-dab, big lettering, it's not going to work in today's culture.

Can I... I wonder if this is relevant. In football, I'd say in the 90s, they started, football clubs who'd had the same badge for years, suddenly a slightly modified, more streamlined version. Like at West Brom, we got a sort of slightly neater, more modern. And I thought, oh, they're trying to modernise. But really, the truth was that, and for several clubs,

nobody really knew who owned the rights to that badge and they didn't like that. Yeah. Sorry, I haven't. Yeah, there could have been an element of that. Yeah. I'm sure. Just regularised.

Can I ask you a question as well? I've probably mentioned this before because it's a slight thing of mine, but the FedEx logo, is the white arrow between the E and the X, is it deliberate or accidental? If you don't know what I'm talking about, if you Google the FedEx logo, you will see there's a white arrow in the middle of it. And that's a good thing for a sort of express delivery company. But I've never been quite sure whether it was planned or whether it just happened that way.

I like that. And also, may I suggest you check out the original Apple logo, which I believe was a black and white Hogarth-style etching of Isaac Newton underneath a tree. No. Yes. I remember there was like a weird... I mean, they couldn't have rolled that out on every phone. It was so complicated.

I did not know that. I promise, that's what it was. They had to give that a rethink. Then it went black apple. No one wants a black apple. It's complicated. No. That's went black apple. No one wants a black apple. It's gone. No, no. OK. I always thought the apple with the bite is a symbol of temptation to sin and evil. And it's a sort of hiding in place. It's Apple saying we are a dangerous

temptation that will destroy your innocence. But you won't notice. We won't notice we're saying that in the logo. it's an Adam and Eve thing Frank Skinner Absolute Radio We've had a defensive text from 266 who says in defence of logo designers

brackets I am one the BBC logo amend will actually save them a fortune as they'll not be paying font licence fees I did the same for a large household brand that had a very expensive rebrand, I changed the

font and did a little tweak, saved £800,000 in years of fees they didn't realise they'd be paying, clever it's clever unless you live on your font rights. Then it seems to me you're being squeezed out of the market. You see, it depends how much you value a font. I value it very highly.

Well, I own Comic Sans. I don't know if you knew that. Oh, you've never mentioned. Yeah, well, so, you know. Since TFI Friday, it's been pretty slim pickings. I mean, you do realise it means comic without. Oh, I thought it was S-A-N-D.

I thought it was a D. No, it's an S-A-N-S. Comic without. Comic with a... Do you know... We've all had those nights out when we felt a bit comic sans. Oh, man. I've had those periods in my love life

when I've been a bit comic sans. Can I say... You've been a vec comic as well. I've also been a vec comic. I've been a vec them all. I've had a few. as well. I've also been a vec comic. I've been a vec them all. I've had a few. Too few to mention. Yeah.

I'll go on mention. No, go. No, then. Be patient, my friend. I tell you, comic sans, the most unpopular font, officially, I believe,

is voted. The other one, I think the second most unpopular, is brush script. Are you familiar with that one? It's like the thick paintbrush. Oh, yeah. We don't want that in our fonts.

What about that which we used to call Robin Hood writing? I don't think that's the official name of that font. But I remember, you know, on the front of the book, it's like in Robin Hood writing. Yeah, I wish someone had copyrighted that. I'd like us to return just to the topic of football, just briefly. I don't know if you know that Declan Rice became an uncle whilst playing for England. Oh, yes.

Which I think must have posed an incredible dilemma for the father of said child. I think his brother it was that became a dad. his brother it was that became a dad the idea that he had to sort of be supportive to the mum of child and also england were on the football well not only was england i mean england playing in the euro semi-final is one thing but your brother's playing for them do you think they had done tv in in room giving it a sort of a split screen vibe. Imagine broaching that arrangement with the wife. Oh! Actually makes me feel a bit

I thought, when I saw this Frank and Alan, because obviously I forgot to have children and I realised it is one of the most fulfilling experiences apparently you can have in life but then have you ever been asked out on a date by Shaquille O'Neal I'm just saying. You have experience of this Alan you have

experience of this what would Kath for example have made of it? If she'd have gone into labour, let's say, on that day, and she'd have said, I think it's coming home, but not in the way you think, would that have presented you with a slight moral dilemma? Well, you know, there used to be a thing, didn't there, about footballers used to like go home leave the squad

if their wife was having a baby wife or partner was having a baby yeah and I always used to think I wouldn't pick

them again maybe that's a bit harsh but you know the baby's going to be there for ages but yeah

you'd be who was that bloke? For the goal-scoring opportunities. Exactly. And bloke's getting the announcement at the match as well. I've had experience of that. Yeah, but bloke's... Well, that was one of the...

This is a story after, but it is classic. At West Brom, we'd just lost 2-0 to Notts Forest. Goals scored by Stan Collymore I was talking to him the other night and as we all left

it came over the thing Mr David your wife has just given birth to a baby boy in Sanwell District Hospital

a big cheer went up and the old bloke said to me poor devil had to sit through this now he's got to go and make his own dinner there were different times

I once upset a man playing didgeridoo in Edinburgh sounds like the beginning to a code word he was sitting on the street playing didgeridoo in Edinburgh. Sounds like the beginning to a code word. He was sitting on the street playing didgeridoo and I said, can you do All By Myself by Eric Cartman? And he just got really... Oh, no.

Imagine that. It's a great song. Eric Cartman Jr. Oh, yeah. Made that up. Can I just say, I've had quite a productive week with England squad members' names lending themselves to humour. So when Declan Rice got substituted, they gave some stat about how many kilometres he'd ran

during the course of the game. And I said to my wife and son, rice does get everywhere. Which I was quite pleased with. I am reminded of the Chinese takeaway in Boreham Wood in London, which is called lots of rice. He might go to the right thing. That's not why we're here. You're pushing the wrong element.

I hear another moment whilst watching the football with wife and son. I said, look how fast that defender runs. My wife said, who's that? I said, ironically, that's Kyle Walker. You were absolutely... This boy's got to get back out there again is his name like the opposite of nominative determinism he's one of the fastest footballers I've ever seen

well more confusingly he used to play for Tottenham and then Tottenham got a player called Kyle Walker-Peters and I thought what are they just going to keep they're just going to keep adding on they sold him that's awful when that happens.

They sold him and then they'll get another Stuyvesant, Kyle Walker, Peter Stuyvesant. Yeah. And so it'll go until they've got someone with about nine hyphens. That'd be ridiculous. What about, there was an Italian I encountered this week. I was doing a radio interview and the football came up and this Italian man, I really liked him

because he said quite without any shade being thrown at all. I genuinely think he just meant this in a caring, concerned way. Am I allowed to do an Italian accent? No. How do I feel? Let's ask the producer. She looks at you, Barbie. I think he'd be fine.

If I get his permission afterwards, any problems, we'll delete him from the podcast. What about Joe? We play Joe Dolce, don't we, on Planet Rock? Oh, shut up, you face. Let me tell you what he said. He said, 55 years. It's not normal. Wow.

This is not normal. What happened? He said it's not normal to not win anything in 55 years. I can see why, yeah. The thing is we gave football to the world and then they got better at it. That was the... It's been very much the British normal.

It has, yeah. But I still haven't really forgiven the Italians for abandoning us in the 5th century. You know what I mean? When the barbarians were at the gate and they just had to go off to their own stuff. Well, let's move on from the barbarians

just for the weekend. Last week it was the Danes and their invasion of Lindisfarne in the 9th century. Anyway, it's and their invasion of Lindisfarne in the 9th century. Anyway. Fine, it's that time. Thank you so much for listening this morning. Of course, England are playing in the European Championship final on Sunday.

And you know what? I've won so many. I've been at European finals. I've been at World Cup finals and there's always that thing well who do we want to win who do I

want to win who am I backing how nice not to have to worry about that oh man you're not making me play this I

can't believe it this is Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio.