The Frank Skinner Show - Joe Bison

Episode Date: June 19, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has a question about Martin Lewis’ zoom backdrop and Buzz had a jaw-dropping moment. The team also discuss Putin’s gifts from Biden, the lifespan of snakes and what would happen if you dropped Graeme Souness’ teeth in Coca-Cola.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Oh, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15. What will they think of next? Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Okay. I liked you saying that you'll try not to spoil your great start. It sounded like a sort of a note to self.

Yes, I'm a big fan of a note to self. Me too. Yeah. I might send a note to Will Self. Yeah. Which I'll then publish publicly as a note to self. You know, you're not as clever

as you think you are. Has he ever cashed in on the note to self thing? I don't think so. No, he doesn't look like a bloke who has fun in any context. I don't think he's cashed in

on the, you know, you're not as clever as you think you are either. He's a massive fan. No. He's not. He's a massive fan of Jason Derulo, apparently. Is he? Yeah.

Frank wants to talk about Jason Derulo. I had nerd of Jason Derulo till, what was it, 15 minutes ago when Emily and... It was about 11 minutes ago, yeah. And Sarah. Okay, 11 minutes ago. Sarah, the producer, and Emily told me about Jason Derulo who's an American singer guy

he's not just a bloke who comes and measures stuff he's an American singer who says his name I'm told by the ladies he says his name at the beginning of every song what if he does cover versions? what does he do then? Jason Derulo's out for summer. Well, it was one of those difficult...

That'd be a great thing to put on his answer phone. Jason Derulo's out for summer. It was one of those difficult conversations, Al, where everything I said just got met with blank looks by Frank. I said, oh, it's EDM. He said, I don't know what that is. I don't know, that sounded like a drug. I mean, I know what that is.

It's electronic. Yeah, what is it, Al? It's electronic dance music, yeah. What we might call dance music or house, even. Oh, yeah. Jason Derulo, though, they're saying the name at the beginning of the song. I previously encountered this in the 90s. Sometimes, you know, your rappers like to do this.

Also, Toni Braxton. Are you familiar with her? Oh, yes. She would say, Toni Braxton. What is it? They're worried that all the writing around... Do they feel that writing

might come to a sudden end and they'll be left with... Maybe it's the equivalent of putting an idea in the post and sending it to you for copyright issues. Jerry Lee Lewis did it, so it's not a new phenomenon. Oh, did he? Alan Cochran likes it. He's a lover of it. Yeah, doesn't he? Jerry Lee Lewis did it so it's not a new phenomenon oh did he Alan Cochran likes it

yeah Jerry Lee Lewis would say things like if there was a song that said it'll be me and I'll be

searching for you it'll be it'll be Jerry Lee and I'll be searching for you so yeah he did it very well

and to be fair you do start every single show by saying this is the Frank Skinner show well yes but you know rules is the rules

anyway congratulations to all our Scottish listeners for what did they win? well I think I thought it was going to be playing sailing last night

I thought well man as Ian Wright said 4-0 before the game 4-0 before the game. 4-0-3-1 annoyed me a bit. And it was a fabulous reality check, which we all need.

I'm not a massive fan of reality, but I think that we needed that. Was Graham Sooners, I mean, that was a big old bite of the reality sandwich he gave us. What about when he said, he kept saying ain't, which bothered me. Did he? Oh, did he? He said, you know what, lads, it ain't happening. It just ain't happening What about when he said, he kept saying ain't, which bothered me. Did he? Oh, did he? You know what, lads?

It ain't happening. It just ain't happening. Oh, no. And then he said, I tell you what, if you carry on playing like that, it ain't coming home. Oh, yes.

Well, that's correct, but we won't carry on playing like that. Don't worry, Graham. Okay. With your big white teeth. Oh, I mean, come on. We were told, when I began in television, which is, I think, in 1948 on we were told when I began in television which is I think we're 1948 we were

told you can't wear white on screen because it flares well surely you can't bring those teeth into her into a studio because I mean it then it needs to get a bit of tea they used to put tea on people's white shirts and stuff soak them in tea to take the edge off. He just needs to have a mouthful of typhoon if he holds out for 25 minutes before... Because they were flaring like there was no tomorrow. It was like watching a Vangelis gig. Anyway...

Roy Keane gets very animated as well. Yes. Doesn't he? Yeah, he's a bit funny. Anyway, good girl. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you think if when Graham Sooners rings his wife, he says, I tell you what, I ain't coming home.

Because you say ain't all the time. I hope so. He might say good girl. I think he FaceTimes her. And she has to put shades on because of the teeth. The teeth? They're so detached from reality for a man of that age, though, aren't they? He's a handsome man.

I'll give him that. Still handsome, soon. Sorry. I think so. I'll tell you what made me think, because he was a football hard man. He's still handsome. It's not often someone says two words and I disagree with both those two words. Oh, dear.

You know, handsomeness is obviously a subjective thing. What I liked about him is that he was a hard man footballer. He was creative, but he also really did leave her foot in. He was that kind of player. But then there was, after he retired, you used to see lots of photos of him out dining with the late Dale Winton. Really?

Yeah, and I thought, oh, he must be a bit more multifaceted than we think, Graham Souness. Not, you know, you'd think he'd be out with Hulk Hogan. Yeah. He had that feel. So, you know, I quite like him, actually, if I'm going to be fair. Yeah. I tell you what was a bit of a uh interesting moment this

week was the uh ronaldo coca-cola moment did you see that yes yes in case you didn't see um coca-cola no look we absolutely love all forms of sponsorship and advertising here at absolute radio um of course but coca-cola have got this thing of um putting two bottles at the front next to the microphone as far as the fact we're talking about it is um we're allowed to we get in trouble i think we're all right um we were sponsored by uh right if you remember in our early years we were sponsored by my mom's cola for quite a while. I thought it was Panda. Yeah, I think Panda. No, Panda, I think. I think they got the Christian O'Connell show.

But anyway, yeah, so he picked up the two Coke bottles, put them under the desk, and then held up a water bottle and said, water, in Portuguese, I believe. a bottle and said water um in portuguese i believe and it's caused apparently coca-cola's um share prices dropped 4 billion on the international market like they care 4 billion so um so yeah it became a thing and uh as i as I say, we wouldn't do it here. It just does show, though, I've worked a lot for the BBC and also worked a lot for ITV on television

and worked for BBC Radio and worked here at Commercial Radio. And if you're not getting sponsored or something, then there's a lot... You know, people used to say that they'd review your show and say it was a terrible waste of license payers money no one's ever said what a terrible waste of advertisers money because they don't care okay so we have tremendous freedom here i also remember being a guest on a bbc six show which you think is perhaps one of the most honorableable of the BBC.

Yes, yeah. And there was only one person working on the show who was being paid. The rest were there for the glory of their experience. So, you know, we can all learn from that, I think. Yeah. Wouldn't happen. Yes, absolutely. Well, we care about our stuff.

Speaking of Coca-Cola, is it true? I'm sure I've asked this before, but I don't know the answer. Is it true that if I was to take one of my teeth out and put it in Coca-Cola overnight, the next day it would be gone? What would happen if you take one of Graham's soonest teeth out? Well, it would have evaporated and there'd be a radiation leak in the local area. We've had many people asking the question that I'll round it up with 199's text message to the show.

Frank, when Three Lions plays during your show, do you receive royalties and does this count as being paid twice in the same period of time for the same job? Elizabeth, avid occasional listener. It's a very good question. We've had a few, Frank. We've also had 311. Sort of a briefer,

quick question. Has Frank just made a few quid by playing his own track on the radio? Well, of course his own track on the radio? Of course people listening on the Decade channels we won't have just played Three Lions although we have tried to do a Three Lions for every decade to try and cover this I don't know I said this many times

but we didn't make anywhere near the amount of money out of Three Lions David occasionally when we meet up brings this subject up and we wonder if anything dark and untoward has happened, which has kept it from us. Very hard to believe.

But, so, yeah, so I think in the days now of playing stuff on radio and streaming, you get about five hundredth of a halfpenny for something. And then we've got to split, I've got to split that with Dave, and Ian Brodie gets two shares because he wrote all the music. So, you know. Oh, look, I'm not, you know, where's my violin? I mean, let's not start crowdfunding the guy.

No, it's not what it's about. It's about the joy of it. That's violin it's done alright let's not start crowdfunding the guy no it's not what it's about it's about the joy of it that's what it's about but still other people brought it up so you have to discuss it I know if it wasn't for the money

I'd be doing adverts yeah okay there you go wouldn't we all be okay wouldn't we all Frank

Nugget48 Rejason Derulo Frank what about hello my name Name Is Johnny Cash? Yeah, but that's not part of his song. That's his catchphrase. A catchphrase one could argue is more or less unstealable. Yeah, and quite common parlance as well.

I mean, it's adaptable if it was Pat Cash. Hello, My Name Is. I saw him on stage with, was it the Highwaymen, that sort of supergroup, country music supergroup. And they'd been on stage and done about three numbers before he stepped forward and said, Hello, I'm Johnny Cash. And it was great that it was quite hot,

you know, 20 minutes into the gig. I have to say, every time I hear him say it, it gives me a tremendous tingle. Eddie O'Keefe has Or a tong, as they call it in France, I believe. Eddie O'Keefe has just responded to one of the topics we're dealing with this morning, which is what would happen

to Graham Sunis' teeth if you put them in a glass of Coke. Eddie O'Keefe has solved this. If you put Graham's tooth in Coke, it'll light up like magnesium in a secondary school science class. That would be good to see. Apparently, Graham sleeps with two,

an upper and lower gom shield full of daddy's brown sauce, which whitens his teeth through the night. I don't know if you ever put an old coin in brown sauce overnight, but the next day it sparkles beautifully. So that apparently, that's his method. Apparently it's an old Scottish trick. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Oh, let me tell you something. I was watching, I was having my, I believe what they call in London, lunch. What I used to call dinner in the old days. But it was, you know, the midday sort of meal. Oh, yes. We call that lunch, yeah. yes and now look let's start by saying we've all had to sell books in our time and we have to do we have to do certain things that maybe we wouldn't do normally um al i think used to sell encyclopedias door to door

i've sold a few books on e lately. Are you referring, Frank, to promotional appearances? A thing that they've started doing now, I noticed, they used to have their book behind them on the bookshelf, their new book, but what they've started doing now is turning it to face the camera. In the bookshelf, you mean?

Yeah, which is a very poor use of space to have a book facing outwards on a book. So they've done it. It's really, oh, it's very Coca-Cola bottle in front of Christiana. Yes. It's really tight. I mean, you know, we don't all sell stuff, but come on.

Anyway, I was watching Politics Live with my lunch. Is that on the British Broadcasting Corporation? On the BBC. It's not on GB News, Al. And Martin Lewis. Oh, yeah, the money-saving expert. The money-saving expert. That's interesting that Al knows who that is.

We've all been out for a drink with him in our times. Who's round, is he? Where's Martin? This is round, isn't round is he? Well, it's Martin. He's round, isn't he? Oh, no. He's gone. The money-saving expert seems to be in the toilet. Anyway, so I was

braced for the book in the background. There's a lot of that. So, um, he's there. What has he got on his bookshelf? He's obviously cleared some books. He's got an array of awards behind him. What, for saving money? Well, yeah, awards for saving money, basically.

I think you'd given him one, Al. Was he Alan Cochran Award? Are they personal awards? Like 1997, left the pub before buying your Al? No, they were all awards. There was even, his OBE was, you know it comes in a case, he got that open and up like a birthday card. With his OBE behind him.

I mean, come on. Be a bit. I'm imagining he arrives at places. You know when you get those ones where the cops hold up their badge in films when they turn off? Martin arrives at a restaurant. OBE.

I think he's probably like my mother was, which was, she'd go into a newsagent, 20s silk cut, and I went to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art. But it's... Do they have... So what other awards does a money-saving expert well i i froze in fact i'll send you the maybe someone will recognize it i took a picture of it and we'll put it up on our

social media um maybe someone will recognize uh some of these awards there was uh they're all things like you know the as the price star and and stuff like that he's done quite a lot of campaigns about financial literacy and stuff like that yeah and i think he does that thing of buying uh jumpers from oxfam and then he unwinds all the wool and needs a new jumper that's nice that's one of his money-saving expert tips. I say this of ML. ML? I looked him up on the rich list. Apparently he's worth £123 million.

Frank, you're so smart. I should have stopped with the BBC. Their money's gone up for me. That man is made of money. Well, that's because he saves so much. Yeah, I mean, I'm surprised he hasn't. Perhaps he's selling the OB. That's why he's top of behind him.

Oh, man, I couldn't. But I mean, modesty. I thought Raheem Sterling was going to be wearing this last night. It's all just come out with him. We've all just come out with them. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Speaking of such matters,

I got an email from Absolute Radio this week. Anyway, bye. No, no, I got an email. No longer required. For my nine-year-old son. We're working out on notice. Yeah, but this was for Baz from Paul Sylvester. Paul Sylvester is one of the mighty figures at Absolute Radio. The puppet master.

Yeah, he's the puppet master, yeah. Fabulous man. I mean, I know I would say that. I would not. I'll say one thing about Paul and I always say this he smells lovely He is so fragrant that man Something I've never managed to carry on

Zesty, very citrusy I find Whereas I'm more life boy if you know what I mean But anyway he's a top man and I was proved by this story I think because he forwarded a little video. Do you still say video? Is that still a word?

Yeah. Anyway, for Boz. So are you familiar with the phrase jaw dropping? Oh, yes. No, I didn't think it was a literal thing. I didn't think people's jaws actually drop. I didn't think people's jaws actually dropped. I showed, I gave Buzz this thing. He's nine, in case you don't know.

And he puts the video on and I visibly watched his jaw literally drop. And that's because it was a personal message from Alice Cooper. What? Thanking him because Buzz is a massive fan. Woo! So after I showed Boz's birthday cake on social media, which my partner had made, and which was an Alice Cooper cake, Paul contacted Planet Rock, isn't it?

Planet Rock, where Alice Cooper does his show. They contacted Alice. He sent the video. It was honestly, if ever you see a nine-year-old kid in Otter X, he watched it 50 times. My tools drop now. Alice, good old Alice.

Good old Alice. And at the end, he tells, he sort of says thanks for being a big fan of mine, much appreciated and all that. And then he does a whole thing pretending that he comes into the studio and I leave it in a mess for him. Oh, he did a bit of business? So he did a bit of comedy.

And then at the end he just goes, Buzz, rock. Oh! But it was, what a top man. Oh, wow. That's great. And Boz was telling me that he, I don't know if it's still alive, but he had a boa constrictor. Yes, I remember that.

Alice Cooper. Yeah, do you know what it was called now? No, I never asked him. It was called... Easy. It was called Julius Squeezer. Oh, that's good. And that made me think, you know me and David Baddiel had a cat called Chairman Meow.

And I just thought there are some, especially puns, you know the old idea of a joke is that you do it and then it's gone, but they're just the ones that are set in stone. Like Joe Root, the England cricket captain, his number, you can choose a number to have on your back, and he England cricket captain his number you can choose a number to have on your back and he has 66 is his number

so it says Root on the top and then 66 oh come on that's pretty good but it's a pun that's nice you know what I mean

it's a pun that's ongoing there must be still people going oh hold on a minute yeah so if anyone else can think of any jokes built to last like that, please don't be unkind.

You know, this whole story has made me such a huge fan of the AC. Well, it's the nicest thing that he went to. And Paul Sylvester said, I just thought, well, I'll give it a try. And he said it was all back in a few days. He'd done it and sent it off and it was all nicely done. It was brilliant. Good old Alice. And Alice Cooper, you remember, I sort of fell in love with

when I interviewed him in a strange spiritual moment. So maybe I knew then the good in there once you get past Julius, as he likes to call it This is Frank Skinner This is Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran Texas show on 8.12.15

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website Oh, it's exciting, isn't it? Yeah, maybe. You don't know. Tell me what, it ain't coming on. Frank, Dean from Leicester has got in touch.

Oh, yeah. No, actually, Graham Sooners would probably say, that's his maybe. He wouldn't say maybe. Dean from Leicester has got in touch. You were talking earlier about Alice Cooper's snake, boa constrictor who is called Frank? Julius Squeezer

he did have one that died, this might have been an earlier one but he certainly owned a snake called Julius Squeezer that constricted how long do snakes live? you can't give me that kind of hospital pass on live radio It wasn't directed Now everyone's thinking, oh Frank's didn't even know how long snakes live

It was a general, I was addressing the nation I think they live between four and five years Al, what are you going for? I'm going to go I bet it's long Three Do you know when I'm going? I'm going to go I bet it's long three do you know where I'm going I'm going twelve

I think it's probably longer than that I've always felt there are two kinds the two kinds of enjoyable conversations ones where everyone know

what they're talking about and ones where nobody knows the worst thing in a pub is when you start having an argument and there's a bloke who's read a book about it or something. I say bloke, it's usually a bloke. You're talking about football and they say the trouble is they used to play 4-4-2

but they've changed. It's not even worth having the conversation. No. Yeah, I'm going to go 12 years. And it is a source of constant joy to me that the phrase know all is an insult yes

like do gooder although that is a yeah I'm fine with that crowd pleaser let's go back to Dean from Leicester. Dean. Humdrum these and humdrum wees, humdrum these.

Who says, at uni, they always say uni, the young ones now. Yes, I blame neighbours. Yes, you're right. In our day, it was university. They used to say university and then the Australian influence. When people started ending sentences like this. You're going to uni? Yeah, and then they started talking about uni, yeah.

Uni in Ironsborough? Anyway, what's Dino got to say about it? At uni, there was a local stray cat that used to hang around our halls of residence. stray cat that used to hang around our halls of residence. One of the guys in our flat nicknamed him David Meowie on account of his two different coloured eyes. Oh, very good.

Be well all. That's alright. Yeah, David Bowie, was he a Be well all? Yeah, he was Be well all. Do you like that Al? Okay, interesting. A few words on that Al. It's an enjoyable sign off, yeah, I like it. It's quite a... It's not that easy to say, is it, be well, all? It's quite a...

No. Davros, be well, all. I like it. Davros. I was watching some Davros this week. No one has rages. And I'm really... I mean, he really...

Man, what a job that must have been to scream and shout. Al, can I tell you something I've never said? I was watching some Davros this week. You brought up Davros? I did, I did. Yes. Okay. In further news, guys, Brian Simmons from Aberystwyth says,

we gave our chickens Star Wars themed names. Princess Leia. That's excellent. Luke Skysquawker. That's good but it's good to have a pair. And Hen Solo. That's good.

That's good. I like that. They're very fine. I thought they were going to be foul at first but they're really good again i love the way alan bryder's he's not satisfied to leave he thinks no i'm just gonna you know when the when the uh as when the corsage goes past He's the one that throws the extra flowers. And I love him for that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Okay, so I had a lovely letter from Kerry.

Kerry lives in Shirley in the West Midlands. Shirley that actually has got an Indian restaurant called the Shirley Temple. I kid you not. And I don't know if you remember, I told you guys recently that I was walking in my environs

and I saw a big box of New Yorker magazines and it said, help yourself. And I really wanted to take them all. and then I went away and came back again and I just couldn't pick them up I don't know why I didn't got the courage to do it and she she has sent me a new Yorker very sweetly she also celebrates her 50th birthday on Monday the 14th of June happy Congratulations. And says happy birthday from you guys. Happy birthday from you guys would be Colston. I think she means

Colston. I think she's going to be Edward Colston, which is a slightly different angle. Colston is sort of south-east London-y Croydon-y place with a D. And Edward Colston is an ex-statue.

Mmm. Well, he's still a statue, but he's gone all dirty. He's a statue no longer in situ. Exactly. Very nice. Yeah. And interestingly, this week, I was walking with Buzz down the street,

and someone had done a similar thing on their step of help yourself, including a 1,000-piece Tintin jigsaw, I think, based on the stories. Is it something lotus, black lotus, red lotus, blue lotus? One of the low-tie. And Buzz just picked him up, kept walking, he just got... Good life. This is the...

That's the difference, right? Innocence of youth. He said, help yourself. Yeah, yeah. Innocence, help yourself. He wanted it, he took it, that was it. There was no soul searching. He didn't go away and come back.

I think it's fair to say that you overthought it didn't you i did i've always i've also felt that if you want the epitome of hope and optimism take the person who buys a second-hand jigsaw to me that'll always have missing piece always always always but maybe i think the difference between you and buzz perhaps if i may say this to the national poetry czar may i recommend by the way that everyone listens to flanks poetry podcast which is so brilliant and may i not quite the response I expected. Legend! That's a montage of me reading poetry and then running up some steps. Well, I would like to put it to the start that the love song of J. Alfred Prufrock,

that's summed up in that in some ways. It's the will I wear my trousers rolled. I wouldn't ask that question. He just rolled them. He just rolled the trousers. Yeah, you're right. You know what will I wear my trousers rolled. I wouldn't ask that question. He'd just roll the trousers. Yeah, you're right. You know what? Take the New Yorkers. Caroline has been in touch. 29th of May, the missive starts.

New Yorker magazines. Oh, yeah. I switched on the radio this morning as Frank was telling the tale of missing out on a pile of New Yorker magazines. We have a WhatsApp group of 20 Verdi Group ladies who worked on the film Florence Foster Jenkins. OK.

When she says Verdi Group ladies, I mean, are they just massive fans of Giuseppe? Yeah, it sounds like it, doesn't it? I think it might be a marketing company. OK. In the film, we were her close friends and supporters, despite her awful voice. So they played minor roles, I assume, in the film. OK.

On the 20th of May, one of them asked an American friend in our group if she would be interested in a big pile of New Yorker magazines. OK. The answer was yes. I'm so sorry, Frank. in our group if she would be interested in a big pile of New Yorker magazines. Okay. The answer was yes. I'm so sorry, Frank. Yeah, she didn't say, I don't know if I can say yes to it. Yeah, okay. There you go. Yeah. It's an interesting

the Florence Foster Jenkins film. I've got a feeling I should know who that is. Morally. Do you know who it is? No. I should know who that is. Morally. Do you know who it is? No. I only know who it is because Hugh Grant's in it and I watch every film he's in, including both Paddington's.

Did they call her Flo-Fo? No. She was a notoriously bad singer who was very wealthy and so it's a bit like Citizen Kane's wife. Oh, OK. OK. Or, OK. OK. Or Three Lions. Who are you referring to, in fact?

Similar set-up. I ask you again. Minister? No. I plead the fifth. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm going to confess to you, I'm a little disappointed in the wider world today. Usually they let us know things that we're interested in. I really thought we'd know the life cycle of a snake by now.

Oh, yeah! How long? We still haven't been told that. But they have told us some interesting things about Joe Biden's vehicle that we were discussing last week. The Beast. The Beast. You remember The Beast? Oh, God, yeah. Apparently, the Beast can withstand an egg attack to the windscreen, Simon Whale tells us.

An egg attack. You can't just wash off egg white with windscreen wipers it just smudges and blocks your view is that right? sounds like the voice of experience for Simon there have you never been pelted with eggs?

well it used to be a thing on the last day of school you used to see youths on the street covered in eggs and flour that they'd uh thrown at each other but i haven't seen that for a while it's happened to me i did get egg thrown at my back on a halloween one night um oh that's no long time ago no awful i i live to tell the tale though so that's why you you have literally lived to tell the tale demonstrably true

I got pelted with eggs when I was a student and you know what I probably deserved it what was the context there was no context there were just some youths I was walking down the street and yeah

I got pelted I wonder if our original texter, who says that you can't just wash off egg white with windscreen wipers, if it was a particularly hot day and you put the windscreen wipers on, could you create scrambled egg on your car? Could you scramble?

Oh, that's... Yeah, so... I dislike scrambled eggs. Oh, I'm sorry about that. Do you? I'll tell you what my problem is. This might be the most controversial thing you've ever said. It's such an amazing feat of natural engineering,

the yolk suspended in the middle of that. It's been... You know, people go on and on about the ship in the bottle, but the yolk suspended in the middle of that complete shell is amazing. Oh, God, it's still a big thing, the ship in the middle of that complete shell is a oh god yeah it's still a big thing the ship in the bottle and

is it it's is it not big in Manchester it's because not because the canal was not as busy as it was

it's yeah I think it's a it's like a sort of nature's coke float the egg yeah and I think it's a a sort of nature's coke float, the egg. Yeah.

And I think it's a shame to scramble it. Do you know, that's so fascinating because I find the yolk makes me feel a bit illy. And it's the one thing I like to destroy. A bit illy in the start. I like to destroy all evidence of the yolk's existence, hence me preferring the scramble. It just tends, there's a lot of, it feels a bit organic, the matter surrounding it. And I've seen too many bits in it. I just think a chicken, the fact that a chicken can knock out a yolk suspended inside a solid.

Princess Leia. Great work. Yeah, Princess Leia, respectamundo. Princess Leia. Great work. Yeah, Princess Leia. Respect to Mondo. Boys, Al mentioned, we're talking about Biden.

Old Pa Biden had his first presidential summit, did you see, with your pal, Frank? Vladimir Putin. That's my pal. I like it. I saw it was, they were talking about it. The headline said Putin, Biden, blah, blah. And Putin, Biden, doesn't that sound like a small picturesque village in Leicestershire?

Yes, I passed through Putin, Biden. It's very lovely there. They have very good ice cream at that shop on the corner. Yes, it was lovely shots of them sitting awkwardly together up in their photo stock. So awkward. And he had to choose some gifts, which we will be discussing presently. All I can say is quite a difficult person to buy gifts for, perhaps, would you say?

Well, let's find out. Breaking this news just in on Snake's life expectancy. Oh, yes. Have you seen this, Al? It must differ from Snake to snake, does it? Well... Yeah, I don't think they all have exactly the same life expectancy.

That would be odd. Yes. But I mean breeds of snake, you know. Yeah. Well, 983 has got in touch. Hi, everyone. Snakes can live for five to 30 years oldest recorded was a python in 2020 who was 62 wow 62 year old python sure is hard in this basket The pythons are old now as well, aren't they? Yeah, they are, yeah. I'm not a 62-year-old snake.

Do they go grey? They probably look grey because they shed their skins, don't they? Unlike humans. Their skin gets very dry, I suspect. No, I think their skin is quite dry. But if they keep shedding it, it's basically like having facelift after facelift. Oh, lucky devils. Yeah.

Anyway, we're talking about Grandpappy Biden and meeting with Putin. And Putin got some gifts. Oh, he did. He did, yeah. Biden gave him some expensive sunglasses, like the aviator ones. Yeah. Not like the aviators, they were, in fact.

They are those, yeah, yeah. I got pulled up by, I think I might have told you this, but maybe not from this angle. I was on a road trip going across America with Adrian Childs. That was the Wallace and Gromit one, wasn't it? Yeah, and the Sky Sports News reporter Bryn Law. And we were pulled over for speeding

literally by one of those American cops in aviator classes. And I did feel like saying, come on, fight the stereotype, mate. in literally by one of those American cops in aviator classes. And I did feel like saying, come on, fight the stereotype, mate. You know, get some of those. You know those ones like football fans wear with like Venetian blinds instead of shades with like the national flag on. Get some of those. Well, Frank, what about the New Year's ones? Oh, it's like the Millennium.

Do you know what you never see? Do you remember the Elvis ones oh it's like the millennium do you want you never see any aren't remember the elvis ones that had holes in the uh what do they call that the stem is it yes yes yeah they've no one else has adopted they've never they'll always be elvis glasses i only ever see them on elvis impersonators you don't see people wearing those casually no they had a brief resurgence but more as you say in a sort of ironic way they're more the uh the preserve of the fancy dress they'll always be elvis shades one of my favorite elvis pictures and i have many is elvis doing karate wearing those shades oh fantastic

i liked and i love elvis so i like to think that unites all of us, that photograph, in so many ways. My all-time favourite Elvis photo is him in a full-length leather jacket and shades at night carrying a large torch at the scene of a road accident where they used to listen in to police radio because he'd been given police badges as gifts he just used to turn up at the accident and have a look at the

scene and it's just him at night walking around by the scene it really is one of the great I think he was quite pally with Nixon wasn't he he was a good horse to back he went to visit Nixon and got some badges and memorabilia. There's a great bit where Nixon gives him a badge

and he said, I got a wife as well. And he gives him another badge. And then he's taking them out of his drawer and then Elvis goes over to the drawer and says, what else you got in there? And starts going through Nixon's draw what are these cassettes

like Martin Lewis right yeah what's these cassettes that's been edited we were talking about Joe Biden. I mean, catch him while you can. Well, the aviators are the American military sunglasses. They're the shade of choice. They're very, I don't know, but I've been told.

Yeah, well, I know not just the American. When I was on the North-South Korea border... Were you? Yeah. The South Korean soldiers who stand with rifles raised aimed at North Korea. At the DMZ. You thought DMZ.

Yeah, exactly. Electric Music Zoo. The dank music show. I can't do it. And they just stand in their uniforms. Actually, not right, gone sort of at chest level. Stand in a locked stance, and they all wear aviator shades and they just stare

at North Korea and then on the airway they go away and some more South Korean soldiers in aviator shades come to stare Wow It's the most male place I've ever been in my life and I've been to an

Alan Cochran gig. And you spend time at West Bromwich Albion sometimes too. Yeah, but that's a terrible stereotype in that we don't have many female supporters. Take that back. Anyway,

do you think Biden was saying he's lost a bit of weight, the president? His hair's not yellow anymore. And someone said, no, no, they've changed the president. And he said, change the president? What kind of talk is that?

Absolutely outraged. Change the most ridiculous thing I've ever... Well, he handed over, I don't know if he personally handed over an aid, picked these items, didn't they, Albert? We don't know. OK, but they were the... I heard that Biden's a bit of a prankster and that he got them to, like, put the inside of the glasses

with the boot polish and left a sort of a ring around each other that would be great i wish she'd put under the chair a real bronx chair the old whoopee cushion and you know when they sit down it's all silent you can just hear that the little you know the camera's going that's all you hear well the shutter's going and if you just heard the real bronx cheer oh i should say yes that camera's going that's all you hear the shutter's going and if you just heard the real bronx cheer oh i should say yes that is that apparently that's on every whoopee cushion that um emily's seen the real bronx cheer do you think putin would have how do you think he would have responded to that well i did i watched the oliver stone interviews with putin and in that

i told you they watched dr strangelove together which is an interesting film to show to a Russian leader and at the end of it he said it's good and I know people like this and and Oliver Stone says have the DVD

and he gave and Putin leaves and then Oliver Stone sort of said to camera I thought that went pretty well. He took it and suddenly the door opens again and Putin comes in and says, very American gift and opens the DVD box and it's empty.

I thought that was a very fine gag on Mr. Pooter. Mr. Pooter's part. The VP. So the VP. So, yeah, I think he might have a sense of humour, but it might be very cruel. That's what I'm thinking.

Very, very cruel. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. All these alternatives are available. And actually, 740 said if they played the whoopee cushion prank,

would they call it a top trumps? That's from Angle. Good. That is good. Oh, he loves a pond. So meanwhile, over at the Geneva Summit, boys, which we were discussing. Can I tell you something about... You're changing the subject.

This was all at the Geneva Summit. At the Geneva Summit, if that is where it was, I used to talk to you about the pictures they used to have in the local press when i was a kid that if for example somebody was going to university a local person got to oxford or something they'd have a picture of them in a mortarboard hat with a big pile of books and if they're doing uh i don't know if they were doing science, they might have a Bunsen burner in the other hand.

The whole picture. I think there's a theory that people can't read. Yeah. I noticed the way they set this up. They had Putin sitting under an American flag. Right. And, no, sitting under a Russian flag. And Biden under an American flag.

Then they had a globe of the world in the middle. And they sat Biden on the west of it. And I thought, yeah, I know who they are. I know who they are and what they do for a living. You don't have to go crazy. To be honest, I think that's actually not for our benefit. I think it's for Joe Biden's because he doesn't know where he is. Look, I'm sorry.

Trump's gone. We have to get over it. I know it's sad. He's gone. But you know, I read something that said that was the first time Donald Trump accepted that he wasn't president anymore was when he saw the summit. Oh, really? Yeah. That must be hard to have someone else in your chair, as it were.

Especially with Vlad. Yeah, except they didn't get on well. What next? Is he going to be meeting Kim Jong-un? Or is he Eel? Yeah. We should say, in addition, guys, to the, I don't know, but I've been told, aviators,

he also gifted him a lovely crystal bison. Yeah, not just lovely, but quite pricey. $3,200 worth. Is that what it said on the Buffalo Bill? Oh, come on. Yes, it's... $195 for the bass. I know, that was incredible.

I love that you know how much the bass costs. It's a lot for a bass, isn't it? It's cherry, it was. Cherry wood. Well, that was classy, guys, that he opted for... The cherry wood bass was optional, and I thought that was tremendously classy he opted for the cherry wood base was optional and I thought that was tremendously classy I'm not going to lie

I think I would have gone without the base yeah I don't like to burst I'm not saying that they got ripped off but my crystal bison that I've got in this room with me was 8 quid well I for me

they call it crystal but it's it's glass isn't it basically and please never buy me anything that's glass i just think it's the worst especially that you know the glass with the squiggly paint in the middle of it which i'm sure is a very clever and i can't work out how they do it but i've seen it though i think it is can i in fact the clown fish i believe was named after their two most popular um sales items the clown with the glass with squiggly paint and the fish i went to elton john's villa in nice and he's got loads of the glass with squiggly paint in it. Loves it. That was a shocker.

Well, I heard he was a sculptor. He would like it. He said, you know, if I was a sculptor. I know, but he never said if I was one of those guys who sort of blew glass whilst adding paint to the mix that would be exciting but make everyone see now it really is the word what and what glass with squiggly painting uh items do you have at your home right 12 50. i can only think of the clown and the fish, but there must be other ones.

Is there the drunk leaning on lampposts? That rings a bell, but I could be wrong. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The bison? We were talking about Joe Bison. Joe Bison? Well, boys, it is the national mammal the bison calls that thing

joe bison from that that little statuette i mean yeah where's joe bison i can see right through him i bet you i bet he took the gift and he said thank you fel, felicitations, thank you. And then he walked out and he went, get the hammer, destroy. Do you think? Yeah, I don't think he... Because it's quite an ugly sculpture. He should have given him a little Russian bear and when he lifted it up off the surface, it went... Oh, it was a jingle.

Oh, it's a joke's been ruined. No, I think it was a jingle. Oh, it's jokes been ruined. No, Frank, it's all right. It's all right. Gosh, timing is everything in this business. Frank, the bear, of course, is the national mammal of Russia. Yeah, that's why I'm suggesting the bear. I love that idea. The national mammal is an...

I mean, he said that they gave him the bison because it's symbolic of their first president, George Washington. Why is that? I missed out on that. Oh, it's something to do with the cherry wood. I don't quite understand. No, I think it's something to do... Oh, he chopped down a cherry tree. Frank, you's something to do. Oh, he chopped down a cherry tree. Frank, you see?

Yes, of course. He chopped down a cherry tree. And his dad said, did you chop down that cherry tree? And George Washington said, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, I did. Lovely.

So it wasn't the bison, it was the cherry wood. Got it. That explains... I think he invited... Sorry. Yeah. No, go on on i went to um cody wyoming which was a town which was built by buffalo bill cody and in the bar there was a cherry wood um section of the bar that had been given to him by queen victoria i was about i know you can't say that what about that then um okay that's a terrible

flashback okay okay anyway can i say that you know the woman who lived next door to us who brought in the alarm clock that had got urine in it and put it on our kitchen so can you fix that? Well, her husband obsessively sang this song, Little Georgie Washington never told a lie, Little Georgie Washington never told a lie. You could hear him in the yard in the morning when he got up. Little Georgie Washington never told a lie. Oh, man.

I like the fact we're getting kind of regular updates on that family. Yeah, exactly. Slightly Dickensianian the way you're treating it it's been a long time ago I must say I saw a clip of the press conference and do you know what I liked Joe Biden you mean the press conference I call it the press conference you know when they do Joe Biden did a press conference afterwards and what I enjoyed is he did a bit of an Elvis, Joe Biden, because one of the reporters said, Mr. President, you famously told him he didn't have a soul. Oh, wow.

I don't bring that up. So big. And then she said, do you have a deeper understanding of him now? And you know how Joe responded? Go on. He just put on his aviators and he said, thank you very much. Oh wow.

And he left and it was very as if to, it was very Clint Eastwood as if to say I don't much care for people that like me, answer me questions. He didn't want to be on that stage. That's no good, you've got to answer the questions, that's why you're there. Oh thank you. No, not good enough.

Sorry. If little Georgie Washington never told a lie, I don't see why old Joe should be any different. Fair dues. Oh, man. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. Oh, the internet.

Isn't it interesting? Well, it's been useful this morning because it's provided us with photographic evidence of the clown and various other squiggly paint ornaments. Oh, good. John Hopkins, one of our regulars, my nan was the don of squiggly paint. It's a nan thing. thing i mean there was an ornament

when i was a kid which would have been perfect for vladimir putin and it was it's one it's the only glass ornament i think i'd accept and it was a large brandy glass and there was it was a three part uh display there was a cat that's front paws was hooked so you could hook them on the edge of the glass and then a small mouse you put in the glass and it was praying for mercy and it's a sort of fabulous image of uh i suppose dictatorial oppression we've also heard from bearcat123 oh Oh, yeah? Come on, come on. Why did nobody ask about the difference between a buffalo and a bison? Very disappointing lack of effort, a bit like the three lions last night.

Sorry, Bearcat. Sorry, but it is a bit what people say about the buffalo and the bison. And the old joke used to be you can't wash your hands in a buffalo. Do you remember? That was the punchline. Oh, yeah. used to be you can't wash your hands in a buffalo do you remember that was the punch line oh yeah i've got to say i went to um yellowstone park and i saw buffaloes sort of in the wild and like i'm a massive fan of i grew up to on westerns as a massive part of my life and seeing real buffalo

seen real buffalo quite a moment but i don't want no glass one thank you no no it was great we've also heard from stephen greeve so no go on sorry uh i was just going to say 754 has asked a good searching political question uh just wondering if b Biden has hidden a listening device in the base of the bison. I did wonder if that's why it was crystal, so that it was see-through and Biden could blur out to Putin. See, it's not bugged. Look, you can look right through it. Yeah, and didn't people have crystal sets as well,

which were like little radio receivers that had a crystal in them? Ah, did they? Yeah, perhaps the whole thing set up to be a receiver. well which were like little radio receivers that had a crystal in them oh did they yeah i perhaps the whole thing set up to be a receiver okay oh we might have stumbled on something what if what if what if talking about this on air leads to world war three how would we feel there have you been reading your little john lecari novels again i know you like your thrillers. No, I've just been reading James Blunt's autobiography. Do you remember he said he'd stopped World War III? James Blunt.

Beautiful. 398 has texted us saying guys, Trump isn't worried about Biden being at the summit, he's writing a book quote, the book of all books Is he really? That's what he's called it That's the real thing

Fantastic I don't know if he's calling the book that but he's referred to it as the book of all books I hope he calls it that't know if he's calling the book that, but he's referred to it as the book of all books. Of course he has. I hope he calls it that. That means people who fancy reading all books are going to have a lot of time saved. They can just read that. Yeah, exactly.

I don't think he wrote that big business one, did he? What, the Bible? You know, that one about how to do a deal or whatever. Oh, the art of the deal? Yeah, I don't think he actually wrote it, but nobody writes anything anymore. I think he co-wrote it. They get people. Good point.

Stephen Green has got in touch. You'll be back. He'll be back, Al. When I was working with a small group of analyst programmers on an IT project... He's drawn us in with this opener. We'd scoot around to each other's desks while sat on our office chairs, the ones with wheels, and we would call this Davrossing. Hey, Davross, over here.

Oh, OK. Do you approve? Because Davross operates on a Dalek base. His wheelbase. Oh. So he's sort of a Dalek base. Oh. So he's sort of half Dalek. Oh, is he? Well, you know, he's actually,

because a Dalek is actually a horrible squiggly jelly thing. What's the other half of him then? Well, no, he's in this thing, but I'm not sure where Davros begins and the Dalek base. I mean, he looks, oh, he's very poorly. It's like he doesn't have any eyes. And his colouring is very pale. Frank just called Davros, but he looks very poorly. He never looks well, Davros. I've heard he's not himself.

No, and his hands and that... They can't be sunbathe. What do you expect of them, then? His hands on the bottoms are very sort of shaky, horrible, purple hand things. My mother's concern about whenever she watched Doctor Who was always that none of them had social lives. I'm sure that's not true.

She said they never go out, or you never see them having a drink or ringing friends Well of course we wouldn't have known that in Oldbury We were used to not seeing the people on television around in the pubs I don't know why Unless it was Shaw Taylor's Police 5 they might have been on there

Any road up Great character though We've had other missives, haven't we, Al? Yes, 444 has messaged us. I thought that was you laughing in an aristocratic fashion. 444. Morning, chaps. Snakes can live for up to 30 years.

It all depends on whether new world or old world and the make or model meaning of the snake. Yes. Our UK slow worm, which is technically a lizard, can also live for 20 or 30 years. Yeah, I like the way they throw that in as if we all know it. I didn't know that. No.

Technically a lizard. But I wouldn't mind a T-shirt with technically a lizard on it. Well, I'll call David Ike he might be able to help you out and they add they tend to go

blue in colour the older they get so you can tell the really old ones tell me about it like Davros I would not be surprised to find

he's got a bit of snake DNA in there somewhere he's furious absolutely furious most of the time. There's no sort of off-duty Davros in Doctor Who when he's talking about his, you know, I remember the old days and blah.

He's just fiendish or furious. He starts, it's almost like one of those performances, he's a sort of Terry Scott figure in that he doesn't, there's not much range no he starts very high well he does there's times when he does he does he's deceiving people then he can sound slightly friendly but it's hard to be friendly when you when you look like that does he never do sort of basic you know like does he never have lines which are like oh can you put that over there for me please no he doesn't he't. You don't really get much domestic Davros.

Or Domestos, as I call it. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What's that thing that Jimmy Nail was in? Was that called Chancer? Do you remember that?

Oh, that was Clive Owen. He was in Spender. Spender. That's written by Martin Lewis, my money expert, money-saving expert. Okay. He likes no Spender. Yeah, exactly.

Martin Lewis OBE, in case you forgot. How did you know that information? Got some good Davros detail for you here. Can I say, by the way, on the Davros front, before you go into this, that the domestic life of Davros... ..being reduced by me, I admit it, to domestos, I think might be the greatest joke i've ever done say that anyone

who was on air here and i just you you know you've been present at something pretty special i thought it was one of those i said it and i thought you know what it's a it's a real gift not many people could have ever said that not many people would have gone on to do a whole link about how great it was. I think you're being a bit harsh on some of your other output there. Thanks. I'm going to say it. That's kind of you, but I mean, the domestic life of Davros. I thought it was a

little bit shady throughout. Yeah, it wasn't actually meant to be that. I thought it was nice. Or domestos, as I call it. Come on. Read Davros. There's an eighth Doctor audio story set in an alternative universe with Davros

where he starts out a loving, caring person before being corrupted by the S-Dalex from our universe. Maybe that's a typo, I don't know. It's a cracking listen, they add. I bet you've already heard that. Well, I haven't heard it, but I do love Big Finish and Paul McGann's Doctor is very fine. I will say there's a TV thing

where you get a bit of the childhood of Davros, but he's not really Davros. Oh, it's origin story. You get Davros origin story. But what I want is Davros as he is now, sitting at home. I'd like him, if he suddenly flashed up on Gogglebox with a wife, and a wife who's quite an ordinary-looking woman. Like a normal woman, and Davros with his legs crossed.

Yeah, I don't think he has legs. I'm not sure that... But I'd love it occasionally. I'm just saying it would add to it. If they just had the wife referred to occasionally off-camera. You just had him going, I can love it occasionally. I'm just saying it would add to it. If they just had the wife referred to occasionally off camera. You just heard him going, I can't talk now. Shut up, woman. There is scope, definitely,

for the casual home life of Davros. I'd definitely watch it. We've also had a few extra updates on Alice Cooper's snakes. He's also owned snakes called Count Strangula. Good. And Cobra Winfrey. Oh. Who's that by?

Jez. I mean, that's great intel. That is. That's very good insider knowledge on the names of Alice Cooper's names. And Barry Sturman-Moll, I know we don't normally read praise, but I think projects outside of the rodeo, I'm going to make an exception for. Mr. Rodeo. Barry Sturman-Moll, a lot of love for your Comedian's Prayer book.

I love this book, Frank Skinner. Thank you. Well, thank you. That's very nice. We've ended on praise. I'm sorry I had to do it, Frank. Well, I did a bit of praise for myself today. So what kind of a ye hypocrite?

And don't forget, you can download the latest episode of my poetry podcast every Wednesday from wherever you get your podcasts don't think for a second I read that out off a piece of paper I just said that off the top of my head in a casual way look it's been lovely thank you so much for listening if the good lord

spares us and the creeks don't rise and we'll be back again next week it's coming home