The Frank Skinner Show - Judge Genie

Episode Date: May 13, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has had a busy week of cultural outings. The team discuss Miss Piggy's behaviour at the Coronation, Edgar Allen Poe and a mysterious sight in Camden.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Or you know what, you can email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Try to make it sound a bit more human this week, a bit less like a read. What do you think? How do you think it went? I think it had some more soul in it.

Oh, thank you. That's what I tried to find. Yeah. I thought I'd start formal and then have a sense of me melting as if a man who was trying to be something he wasn't and then allowed himself to break down and to reveal himself. I think people at home will like me for my vulnerability.

Okay. You know you're saying this all out loud. Oh, am I? What, again? Oh, no. After the court case and everything. We've already had a lovely... I mean, we don't share praise, Pierre. I the court case and everything. We've already had a lovely... I mean, we don't share praise, Pierre, I know, and yet you decided to join us in spite of that.

That's true. But we have... I do occasionally allow a small smidgen through for Frank's poetry work. Yes. Yeah, well, I think that counts because it's such an obscurist activity.

Yes, it's about, it brings a balance to it. Yes, exactly. It's not exactly Britain's Got Talent, is it? No, although

always, always an option. Yeah. To promote the podcast. Well, you could bring the bosses out for the

poetry. Oh, no. Can you imagine it? No, because it's about love. That would be great.

I wanted Lonely as a... It is not like Britain's got talent about spite. So, framing witches has been in touch. Okay. I'll let that sit there. There's not much work in that line of informing anymore, is there? Not much work in that line of informing anymore, is there?

I mean, I don't know if it's had an occupation or some sort of intent. I think it probably was in the 17th century or 16th. But these days, kicking their buckled shoes are idle. Oh, they like a buckle. I tell you what, in that coronation, oh, there were a lot of framing witches' shoes in that quarry. Oh, God, yeah. there was some buckle a proper buckle choose oh it's a cromwell fest you should have heard my you should have heard my parish my parish priest's homily this week it was the day after the coronation he said i very much enjoyed the coronation he said said in 1953, no Catholic was allowed in the church

for the coronation. He said at that time, Catholics weren't allowed in Protestant churches. And then he listed the Duke of Norfolk, the Papal Nuncio, the head of the... And he went through every military figures who weren't there officially as Catholics, but he knew they were Catholics,

so he outed them. Reminds me of when my dad claimed that Muhammad Ali was Catholic once in our house. But it was great. It was a real spot, the Catholic thing. I loved it. Anyway, sorry, carry on. And the golden coat.

The golden coat. It wasn't really a coat was it more golden bathrobe it went on though didn't it oh it went on yeah

apparently the the attendees had to get there at 7.40 and it only started at 11 oh it's like the Royal Variety performance everything to do with the Royals

takes so long one thing I found a little bit tricky um was the screen oh no i because we talked about that and we talked about the anointing screen yeah we talked about the anointing screen i wasn't expecting that though frank oh it was it was very uh it was very grandma can't get to the proper toilet i think they should have had you know like in the scarlet horror you know they had those Fairy grandma can't get to the proper toilet. I think they should have had, you know, like in the Scarlet Horror,

you know, they had those louvered doors. They had those screens, you know, where you've got change behind and you'd see a corset come over, flung over. I thought it'd be a bit more like that. Yeah, I... Did you like the screen? You could see through the join a little, just hints of anointing going on, just teasing.

You know how teasing a half-glimpse to anointing can be? Yeah. Well, it really went there. There was something of the Vegas magic show about it. Oh, yes, it was, yeah, exactly. Oh, Copperfield was there? He didn't get an invite, Copperfield.

No, I don't know. What's he doing now, Copperfield? I don't know what's he doing now Copperfield I don't know never hear about him if you're listening if you're listening what's up

he's disappeared oh dear and his partner is currently doing shows in Vegas and New York simultaneously it was like

cutting a woman in half. What about Framing Witches? Oh, we'll get to Framing Witches in a minute. As I think the Witchfinder General wants to say. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. May I return us? Oh yes, to Framing Witches.

Yeah, he's got a lot on. Yeah. Framing Witches says, even if poetry isn't your bag, I like the idea of it not being your bag. I think that's true. Or... The vast majority of the world. Never felt comfortable properly investigating it.

Notice, always with the investigations, Witchfinder General. Yes. I guarantee that this podcast will enable you to see the beauty within. Now that, I had to share that because that's quite a good one, isn't it? No, that's very, very splendid.

Do you feel uncomfortable? I don't, you know, I'm not great with praise, but I sort of feel, like I say, it's such a minimalist activity. That's what I feel. Yes, exactly. It's like tapping a small child on the head, whereas you wouldn't do it with a fully grown woman.

Yes. Not anymore! Anyway, so here's... Oh, what a week i've had um we'll continue this theme i was in a cab on monday night and um it was one of those moments i i suddenly filled with dread when the cab driver said i'm gonna i'm gonna try a cockney accent so uh what you been up to tonight yeah and i said um i thought shall i lie or shall i just tell him and i thought no i'm not gonna lie that's wrong so i said um i've been to a poetry reading at the sweden book center

Poetry reading at the Swedenborg Centre. And he said, what's that? What's that like? And I said, well, it's, you know, a mate of mine, he's got his collected poems coming out. So he got up and read from it. You know, he read the poem. So there was a pause and he honestly said,

yeah, I've had a bad night as well. What? What? Why did I suggest? And then... That's perfect. And then... I actually love him. That's really good.

Well, you know what? I could only laugh at it later because I was slightly felt... No, I've got to say, wasn't a bad night in Germany, but I just, I had to leave it. He'd then gone on to why he's sick of being a cab driver and then he told me some terrible stories about things that had happened to him.

But the assumption of that, that's why I don't mind a bit of praise for the poetry podcast you're allowed some balance I think you were talking us through your driver, it was a cab that you got into wasn't it?

yes he assumed that going was a cab that you got into wasn't it yes who said uh no he assumed that going to a poetry reading was it was a bad night which um i didn't i wasn't afraid but i just thought oh i can't i can't be starting to just it was like it was like 10 to midnight you know what i mean i couldn't be doing it i had something this morning which i wanted to run with you guys i had a driver this morning who said uh i really liked him actually i should say i really warmed him yet i liked his life okay well then i really like my one don't feel guilty we're all different we're all God's children. I did quite like him. He was classically London kebby.

Mine said, which I liked, he said he had a pick-up after me and he said, yeah, he said, I'm going to Royal Windsor. I like that he used Royal Windsor. Oh, nice. Pick-up from the Savoy. And then he said, somebody's got money. I love it. Do you like that? He's right. somebody's got money. I love it. Do you like that?

He's right. Somebody has got money. And then he said, which I enjoyed, he said, so what's happening with Camilla then? He said, what does... Sabine, how long was the journey to start that conversation? Maybe he's a listener and he assumes that you must have met her. He said, what's happening with her?

He said, you know, she will be queen. Even if he goes, she'll be queen. I said, oh, no, no, no. That's not the deal. I don't know what happens if he... I don't know if we should be talking about... Well, it's about... I think we're allowed. It's about the monarchy rather than anything too big.

And so he said... Seems a bit harsh to be discussing his death the week after the coronation. Well, anyway, she said... He said, well, she doesn't get to keep the crown. Keep it? I said, no. He said,

that's awful. I don't think that would be her primary concern. You're right. I I mean you could say is it sexist that she gets kicked out if he dies yeah well yeah think before you answer

that's my advice you know what I'd say someone's got money yeah do you ever have a conversation where somebody brings something up and I mean it must happen to both of you two and you've got a really a really good thing to do you know I was once um at a a bonfire uh just a few of us around a bonfire framing witches and this is no not that night. And this guy I was with sprinkled something on the fire

and the whole fire sort of went green. And it was really quite, ooh, we all went, ooh. And sometimes in conversation, you just have something to drop in, you think, oh, I'm loving this. So I went this week to the press night of operation mincemeat which is a musical um which is the fortune in in the west end which i've spoken about before on this show this is my third time operation mincemeat and i love it so much it's just joyous nevertheless so I was I went to the after show which was at the banqueting house which you may recall is where Charles the first was

executed he had to sort of go out the window onto a platform and then they did the rest funny enough when you go in there they got that do you know that famous painting of charles the first when there's three of him it's like side on from the left side on from the right and then in the middle like he's arrested yeah so you get like a three-headed charles the first to try to overcompensate for the one upstairs. So we went there. Oh, there's a great... I'll tell you something about that room where he was executed.

There's Rubens paintings on the ceiling, which he commissioned. So when he's led through the room to his execution, he looks up and there's the paintings that he commissioned. Anyway, I was talking to a couple and the woman said, it's about a true story from World War II. And she told me something,

which was a really interesting and unusual fact. But I just had a little treat that just fell into my lap. I'll tell you what it was after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio So where, oh yeah, so this woman was saying, I've got a sort of strange

involvement with this musical and I don't think this is a spoiler because it's a very well-known story but a part of the the plot it's a world war ii story but don't let that put you off i know that wouldn't put when i watched it i thought i wonder if pierre has seen this is he's seen it's like a world war ii intelligence um story and i saw him oh i, it's so far up Pierre's Strasse, he wouldn't need a visitor's parking permit. Are there codes involved?

Oh, there's codes. Oh, he loves codes. Oh, man. Anyway, so this woman said, my great uncle was HAL Fisher. And I said, hold on on and this was my moment i said h.a.l fisher wrote a two-volume history of europe i've read it oh she was happy i was happy it was just oh her face when you said that oh well my face when i said that. Oh, well, my face when I said it.

Oh, my God. As soon as she said, I mean, it's been years since I read it, but that was that name. You gave her the chance to say the phrase, the very same. Yeah. Which is a great phrase to be able to say. But also, I think if it's your relative,

the idea that someone's read his two-volume history of Europe is quite a nice feeling. The whole, yeah. We basked in each other's knowledge and relation, everything. The idea that someone's read his two-volume history of Europe is quite a nice feeling. We basked in each other's knowledge and relation, everything. Someone gets to put their hand up and say, but you don't mean the HLF. Yes, so anyway... The whole thing's got a very J.R. Hartley energy. So they had to use a corpse as part of the plot.

I won't go into details. But they needed to pretend that he was someone who threw money about a bit. So they asked the wife of H.A.L. Fisher, the historian, because he was killed in a tram accident shortly before, if she'd still got any of his underpants, which they imagined were of high quality, but they would be worn somewhat because they didn't want to put new ones on in case it made the nazis suspicious when

i say nazis no disrespect to our german listeners so um so she supplied um some of his pants for the for to put on the body. For the deception? Yeah. Oh, my God. Wow. So it was that kind of night at the after show. I kept meeting people who were involved with the real story. That's amazing. Yeah, I met the grandson of Colonel Johnny Bevan.

I bet he had some quality street trousers on. You know what? He was actually wearing the trousers of his grandfather. Oh, shut up. He'd worn especially, yeah. Brilliant. Wow. So he was wearing Colonel Johnny Bevan's Czech trousers. And what about this?

He said his granddad used to tell the story because it was a big elaborate hoax to try and fool the nazis you've got to go and go and see operation mincemeat i promise you you will text the show and say you were right it was brilliant anyway so um he said he remembers his granddad remembers churchill after it happened this thing churchill came into the uh into the sort of intelligence thing if the old overall you know used to wear like the overalls i do you know that's my thing Churchill came into the into the sort of intelligence thing the old overall he used to wear like the overalls

do you know that's my thing Churchill in those overalls because the confidence with which he wore them a lot of people of his size and stature would have thought no not for me they thought he'd come to bleed the radio anyway he came in and said

it's work we we fooled them. Which I think I said to my manager the last time they recommissioned this show. That's absolute. But what a moment Churchill commented and said, I mean, come on. They had an ice sculpture of Churchill at the show. Really? Gosh. And I spoke with Mary, Mary the Australian, who spoke of the convo, if you might remember,

a few weeks ago. And I said, how long did you stay? She said, I stayed until Churchill had almost gone. You know, the ice thing. And I said, I didn't like the V sign because as the fingers, they became like grotesque and tannoy, I texted back.

And she said I thought that the fingers, as it melted, looked like people's teeth when they're carved down for veneers. And I said, maybe that's what the V stood for. And that's the kind of text exchange I have with my work colleagues.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So, yeah, so I went, I was, it was a great after show. Phil Wang was there. Yes. P.S. mate.

Yes. Did you manage to corner him and ask him about that ad campaign? No, I didn't ask him. I hadn't got long enough for him to explain whether I would be photoshopped or actually present as an extra if I followed his ad campaign. I'm actually so relieved I didn't go now because I would have found that moment excruciating. I would have been too embarrassed.

You don't want to bring up people's failed work. Wow. Anyway, they had... I'll get my coat then. They had mincemeat pie at Operation Mincemeat. What was the mincemeat like it was i liked it it was very world war ii you like most food though yes i do and then they brought out chocolate cigars very nice in the church of a big ones in like cigar cases did you eat it or save it well

obviously i played around with it for a bit and did all the cigar celebrities. Well, you know, actually not all of them come to think of it. But all the ones that one could do, like me Churchill and me Groucho. It's just cigar aficionado magazine cover stars. Yeah, exactly. So it was

brilliant. I had very much a week. By the way, I read that on the banqueting house, they tell you about the execution of Charles I. And apparently when he was actually killed, when the axe fell, the groan the crown made, people talked about it for years, that they'd never heard anything so deep and profoundly sad

as the groan of the crowd oh wow when because you know a king was being executed and then I did a couple of Thursdays ago I did Soho Theatre

and I thought oh this is what it sounds like this is what it sounds like did ladies rush the stage and dip their hankies in your blood as well and I thought, oh, this is what it... Sounded like. This is what it sounded like. Did ladies rush the stage and dip their hankies in your blood as well? Well, there was plenty of my blood on the stage. I'll tell you what I did.

I did this thing. I don't know if you've ever done this, Pia. If someone had helped me, God forgive you. The night before, I'd done a gig and I thought, you know what? I haven't put enough new material in this. I need to put, you know, I've only just put a couple of little bits in.

So the next night I opened with about 10, 15 minutes of new material. How was it? None of which worked. And the thing is that not only was I being tortured, but I knew I had a little bit of stuff that's been working and then another chunk and I did it I carried on and I did it and that didn't work

either oh you know when King Lear comes out carrying Cordelia how that's what I was like honestly I can't oh man the agony of it.

And, you know, I turned on the crowd. It was a great night in many ways. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram

at frank on the radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Oh, Frank. Yes. I thought of you at the Coronation concert. I say at whilst watching. Oh, Frank. Yes. I thought of you at the Coronation concert. I say at, whilst watching. Oh, yeah. Because Miss Piggy appeared.

Oh, I know. And, Pierre, do you know this about Frank? Frank, do you want to tell me? One of my worst things is people interviewing Miss Piggy as if she's a... A real person. A real person. And flirting a bit with her.

And her sort of coming on to them. It's a bit of an 80s idea, this sort of nymphomaniac pig. How dare you? That's like me, yeah. But they've stopped with it regardless. Oh, it's all right when they do it. If Kermit had been doing it to Claire Baldin, it would have been in all the papers.

But she was coming on strong to Hugh Binky Beaumont. Is that what he's called? Hugh Bonneville. Hugh Bonneville, yeah. Oh, really? Hugh Binky Beaumont was the man who coined the phrase the magic of theatre, I believe. But anyway, yes, I found that excruciating

as ever I really Hugh's got the Picard but Hugh has got access all areas turn up with Paddington you're in

where was Paddington we were promised Paddington yeah and we got like there was like a 20 second hand drawn

cartoon thing of him what are you expecting? Exeunt followed by a bear hair? Look, in the... He was behind the screen, the anointing screen. With the previous monarch, it was an actual tea party with Paddington.

Oh, we've got a previous monarch now, haven't we? Yeah. With the last monarch. With the Alcione regime, we got a real party. He's gone a bit on mates with the Alcione regime we got a real he's gone a bit on mates with the ABFC no but it's you know

we got I'm sure we were promised Paddington that was in the listings yeah but instead we got Scherzinger Paddington got picked up

by the Met on the way in case of mistake and I ditched it what's under that hat what was in that briefcase? Does he carry a briefcase? Yeah.

Oh, does he? Is it a satchel? A little kind of luggage thing. I think it's called a suitcase. Is it a proper suitcase that he has? Yeah. But it's not a wheelie, if that's what you mean. But visually, it's a bit briefcase.

Let me get this right. Paddington was a no-show. The Coronation. Who does he think he is? Nick Cave was there, Paddington. Yeah, exactly. I thought it was surprisingly on bad. I liked it.

Well, Scherzinger, what did you think of her? I liked her. Oh, I thought she was great. Yeah, it was so it was i i don't like the disney um thing of turning cartoons into real people yeah and that felt like that she looked like a disney princess from a cartoon and i mean she sang you know yeah but she wasn't one of my highlights what was your highlight oh I love

Katy Perry what I loved is the person in the billing says yeah we'll have Katy Perry and then we'll have take that

you think no no no you close with Katy Perry do you no god bless

take that but come on I know it's in I know it's a British night but come on you've got to

close with Katy Perry, haven't you? I'd have thought so. I'd have thought so. But there was lots of, I don't know, it was really brilliant sort of people moments. That young woman who played the Bach, there's this choir. I cried a couple of times.

I cried at that. You know when you sit and you think, people go on about woke politics, and then you watch something like that and you think, actually, I'm really glad my kid is growing up in the modern age. Was that a serious moment on Absolute Radio? For goodness sake, let's get back to Piggy, who I despise.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. For goodness sake, let's get back to Piggy, who I despise. Frank, can we please talk about something? It's a sensitive issue. I have been, I feel like I've got a lot of insight, you were talking about the Coronation Concert earlier, into what's being said in a way that I didn't used to by the royals because of the arrival of the lip reader, the celebrity lip reader. Oh, yes, this is a new, I wasn't aware of this before the Coronation. No?

And then they said, our lip reader said that Charles was saying, oh, this is taking a long time or something like that. Why can't we do anything on time? Something like that. Everything's always late. He said,

he wanted to get out the coach. I mean, and then at the concert, there were some things as well. Like there was Charlotte, I mean, as greatest insights ever, it's not really up there,

but Charlotte said, oh look, Papa. Oh yeah. And pointed at her father on the stage. Nice. I think she said,

Papa's on stage. Oh nice. We've all said it. We've all said it here. There's something unsettling about this because it's harder to imagine a more noble profession

than lip reading. Yes. And then to hand over your skills to the tabloids for eavesdropping purposes. Yes, yeah. That does... I mean, I have to be honest, they are wreaking havoc in people's lives now.

That does feel like people who do a medical degree and then go into the removing organs from people against their will line of work. There's a good sort of online comedy thing, bad lip reading, which is a good illustration of how you can abuse lip reading to make it seem like people are saying what you like because of how few sort of shapes the mouth can make

and there could be different sounds so it's open to abuse but also the king is not an easy one to do I wouldn't have thought because the teeth

are usually clamped in raids every stinky day they did catch him saying where's Pettigrew clenching his fists do you think

you see I think the lip readers have joined that other group body language experts oh god yes how do you find them

but that's it you see because body language experts are obviously charlatans yes whereas lip reading is a really valuable skill that's been

tarnished cast before swine yeah they've gone to the dark side. You know what's going to happen is you're going to get like a big royal event and they'll all be doing,

you know where footballers hold their hands over their mouths when they're talking to each other. Yeah. You see, you can watch like,

I'll watch a bit of Port Vale Sheffield Wednesday and people are holding their hands up and you think, what, you're frightened that you're what you're saying will be

Do you think we'll see the return of the coquettish fan? Oh I do hope so. Maybe all those masks we've got sitting in our drawers at home, maybe they'll be doing that to stop the lip readers Well after Coronation Gate I noticed, what was it Charles said

in the carriage? Well I'll just ask my lip read. What did he say? You can never bloody do anything on time. Is that what he said? Something like that, yeah. As a result, I noticed that Charles, it was very, well, I say I noticed, the lip readers told me, that everything he said was quite anodyne.

It was very complimentary. I mean, even the Muppets, even after the Miss Piggy debauch, he said, very funny. Yes. Very funny indeed. Did he really? Yeah. He didn't say, nymphomaniac pig.

A Scottish pork. Were you Scottish pork in the Coronation Sausage? No. Did he say, how lovely that he said that about something that clearly wasn't correct. I wish he'd been at the Soho Theatre. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Soho Theatre. Frank, John Hopkins.

Oh, yes. He's been in touch and he shares your hatred of Miss Piggy. Hatred probably is. I don't hate any living creature. Congratulations. Okay. Sometimes you listen to radio that just speaks for you. The truth about Miss Piggy is finally revealed. And I probably went for hatred because that is a word that John is not frightened of using. I've always had an irrational hatred of

the poor sign floozy. I've checked we're allowed to use that word. I've always had an irrational hatred of the poor sign floozy. I've checked. We're allowed to use that word. I like the word irrational. It's got rasher in it. Would the nation react the same if Hugh Edwards, for example, tried to get off with Roland Ratt on live TV?

No. Why did he just... Can I just say something about Roland Ratt? Yeah. When he said rat fans, it was so arrogant. Well, we'll be the judge of that. No, but that was his shtick. What was it? Did he have a shtick?

He had a rat ego. Oh, was he sort of meant to be an arrogant character? Yeah, that was it. He was full of himself, erroneously, and that was why we could love him, because he wasn't super talented. Very few humble puppets. I think you're making him out to be

some sort of Shakespearean tragic hero. Apparently he saved TVAM, if I remember. That's what people always say. Tragic flaw of Robert Grant. Look, I love I love the Muppets but but for some

strange reason their weakest creation has been promoted to the top of the pyramid and I don't I don't know

I mean I Kermit never got a wording at the coronation yeah do and he's I think a more tortured, interesting, complicated character.

It's him and Paddington in the back of a police van. Exactly. What are you in for? Oh, that sounds like a gastropub, the frog and bear. And we all know what Paddy's in for. Decent exposure. That coat and now else. Well, I wouldn't say Kermit was over.

I think he had an evening suit on that night. Kermit makes an effort. Paddington just turns off that duffel coat all the time. That moment when Kermit was on the bike. You know that famous image of Kermit on that? Fantastic. Unbelievable. Yeah, Paddington always in his coat.

Not staying long, are you? Well, can I ask you a mystery question while you're on? Sure There's a house in New Orleans Camden Camden is in North London

It's a very trendy area In case you're not from the metropolis It's quite gothtastic. It is. There is a house that I pass on the bus. And outside it, above the front door, right? Now picture this. There is a black metal rectangle, thick black metal rectangle thick black metal rectangle on a sort of a stalk connected to the wall

and it's above the house i would say it's about no more than say 14 inches square or rectangular if that makes any sense actually it, it might be a square. And it's above the door. And I said to my partner, Kath, what do you think is the purpose? Because it's just a frame. It's not a solid thing. Oh, right.

So it's just like a square. I think it is square. Like a square frame. Like a sort of almost artist's perspective. But it looks like Victorian or something and it's facing outwards yeah

and I said to Kath what do you think that is she said it's one of those basketball things I said well it

for what shape ball has it been designed and also it looks like it's from the 19th century

what are you talking about I said no that's what it is and I was what so if anyone and also it looks like it's from the 19th century. What are you talking about? I didn't know that's what it is. And I was like, what? So if anyone has any idea what that could be. So it's like, you know when you turn sometimes those old wire coat hangers into like a square by stretching it? It's like that, but much thicker and more permanent looking.

Is it erected aboveed over the door frame? Above the door, like where one might put a porch. 8, 12, 15. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, sorry, you breathed in. I realised you were about to speak.

No, I was just going to say, quick suggestion for the unidentified object that you and Kathy had seen above a Camden door. Yeah. Love that poem. Phil says, your door furniture, all right, sounds like an umbrella hanger dryer. Above the door?

An umbrella hanger slash dryer. I mean, I think that would be a huge temple to build, to the umbrella, right outside a permanent structure for these things. Also, if it's to dry it and it's raining and you're using an umbrella, it's outside. But it's not just that. But you don't want a dripping umbrella over your door

unless you're Joss William. It sounds like a prank. You know, I don't know what it is, but that doesn't sound right. I'll tell you what, it reminded me of a bit. It reminded me of a frame that was used by Mr. Bobbles, who was an act that I saw in Edinburgh, a man who blew lots of enormous... Actually, the day I saw him, as I say,

I was talking about a terrible gig I had at Sower Theatre a couple of weeks ago. Mr. Bubbles was having one of those days when none of the Bubbles quite worked and he started to become furious. And he got two kids up and he said to one of the kids, stand still. And I thought, all right, Mr. Bobbles.

All right, mate. I know you're having a bad day, but do you think that's going to win? Get aggressive with the kids. That'll win the crowd over. Do you remember, that was slightly in my mind. Do you remember when I went to see Russell Grant?

Oh, yeah. Doing a show in Edinburgh and he got, there was a whole incident, Pierre, because I'm afraid his feather boa got tangled up on his hat stand.

Yeah. And he shouted, he just, there was a tense moment where the music had kicked in. I feel that's how he will die.

And the stage manager was trying to liberate the feather boa, you know, discreetly, but unable to do so. And Russell, he got exasperated and he just snapped. He said, you know, discreetly, but unable to do so. And Russell, he got exasperated and he just snapped.

He said, leave it, will you? Yes, it was. Oh, Russ. Frank, another suggestion. He was under pressure. I love RG. Arthur Jones. Arthur Jones. Wasn't he in Dad's Army?

Very probably. It was Corporal Jones Arthur? No, Arthur was Captain Manor in... No, Captain Manor in Wilson. OK. Uncle Arthur. Arthur Jones. Yes.

Re-rectangle above Camden House. Empty pub sign? Well, that would be right, but it's in sort of canopy angle. It's facing, not side on. Yes, it would be above you if you went out and you looked up, you would have a square shadow. I don't think it's basketball.

I'm with Kath. Izzy says much more confidently, the square above the door is where a gas lamp would have been. But why is there a frame of some 14-inch square for a gas lamp? Big old gas lamp, I suppose. Well, it don't make no sense. OK. Well, look, I don't

know, but none of these things have made me think, oh yes, of course. Well, I can only apologise. No, don't. I'm glad people, you know what I mean? I'd love a joiner in. You know, I said I went, this week I did a poetry reading on Monday, I went to one

and then I went to Operation on Tuesday, every poetry reading on Monday. I went to one. And then I went to Operation, on Tuesday, every Chinese week, it's a bank holiday. And then I did Operation Mincemeat. It was brilliant. And then on Thursday, I went to the National Theatre to see a thing called The Motive and the Cue. Oh. Yeah, which is a play about Richard Burton.

Oh, is this the Jack Thorne? It is, yeah. Richard Burton, you know the old... Richard Burton. Yes. I talked about one of his films recently on the show. Do you remember that? The...

Is it The Medusa Touch or something? The bloke who says to that woman, Why don't you jump out of the window? And she jumps out the window that's like uh anyway richard burton richard burton played hamlet and he was directed by sir john gilgood and it's about that and it's about the tension between the sort of the the previous generation where this bloke gilgood was the great and now this new um hot star it's at arm if you like well you don't have to sell this to me no theater or um shakespeare or any uh it's an app so i wallowed in it. Did you? I completely was. And Mark Gatiss as John Gielgud.

I mean, I've just given you a hot tip. It's brilliant. It's absolutely brilliant. And it's Johnny... Go on. Flynn. Oh, I... As Richard.

I know, that's what every woman you mention him to. There's a bit in it where he says to his wife, Elizabeth Taylor, he says he says to his wife Elizabeth Taylor he says something about her getting parts because she's too good looking to be casting good parts and she said something like guess who's

talking or something like that and it is a problem I think, we all know what a problem it is in life being really good looking people it's hard to feel sorry for number 58 the beautiful no it's brilliant though it's really um man i loved it and i was going to in law are these successes keep coming well i was going to go back and see um mark gaitis who i oh no we have long conversations about Doctor Who together. I bet he enjoys those.

And then I was just going to go back and I saw Brian Cox and Derek Jacoby. Which one? Brian Cox. Scientist or succession? Succession, Brian Cox. Or physicist. And Derek Jacoby both heading back and I thought, I can't compete. If they're going to talk about acting, what am I going to be saying?

Yes, I remember when I was in Cooking with Elvis at the Whitehall. I held a turtle over my part. I bottled it. I didn't go. Did you? Remember when you held a turtle? It was a tortoise. I was trying to give you a compliment. It was a tortoise. I was trying to give you a compliment.

Obvious to get one to cover my pot, I had to travel to the Galapagos Islands. Oh, God. No, I did, yeah. I always remember as well, when I held that, I was naked and I was covering myself with this tortoise. And I'd say tortoise, but I'm going with you I could feel the twin jets of the cold cold air coming from its nostrils warm-blooded on them but this was cold because of the cold-blooded I've got a bloodied reptilian thing in my hands. And the tortoise.

Oh, my goodness. You know, I reached for the button then, because I thought we need to get out of here after that. There's more time to go. Pawing at the parachute ripcord. But anyway, the motive and the cue, it was really, it was splendid. That's an intimidating backstage, though. I wouldn't have dared. No, no.

Speak for yourself. But I tell you, because the woman's playing Elizabeth Taylor in it. She's called Toppins. Oh, Toppins Middleton. Yes, and she, do you remember I went to see Julie Andrews at the O2? No, I'm not, but I would have been a good one. Yeah. I went to see... Simeon. Yeah. I went to see...

Simeon's Gift. I went to see... Oh God, don't remind me. She did a show called Simeon's Gift. And there was a sound, a rattling electric sound, and I thought, someone is driving a milk float

into the hospitality box. And it was Elizabeth Taylor in an electric wheelchair, and the hum was the electric wheelchair and the rattling was literally her jewelry oh wow and i've never been impressed by jewelry but elizabeth taylor's jewelry seemed to have the very fire of heaven it will look stunningly beautiful gosh and she we went into darkness and I was just looking at the shadow of Elizabeth Taylor and then and then Julie Andrews on the other side it was you know and just before the interval came I saw her take out lipstick in the dark and apply it completely in the dark, no mirror.

And when the light came on, it was immaculately done. Gosh. What a woman. And that man was Robert Dougal. Now, I had a friend who said, if ever an anecdote didn't go as well as he hoped, he always used to put that on the end of it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Oh, Emily Dean. Sorry, I was reading my shop assistant's impression.

Emily Dean. So. So. Regarding the metal frame. Oh, yes. Jutting forth upwards, as it were, from the house in Camden. I think this is a winner, this one. From 632.

Could it be an old police house and the old blue lantern was lowered into it? Those massive police lanterns. It's a big... It would have to be a big... Were they really giant size? I suppose it could have been. I feel like, if you don't mind me saying,

good luck, everyone. I feel you're rejecting every suggestion I mean 461 recanned and door furniture I like that it's being called furniture now I'm with Cathy I'm with Cathy

says Maz so Maz thinks Cathy's right it is some sort of square basketball arrangement speaking Is it, speaking of door furniture, an escutcheon? Oh, yeah. Do you know that? Martine Escutcheon.

Isn't an escutcheon one of those panels that you get next to a door handle to keep the door clean? Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I'm thinking of? Oh, I think so. Yeah, I think that's an escutcheon. It's not one that we're going to escutcheon us. It's not a sort of indent in the wall or something.

No, I think there's a little panel so that your clammy fingers don't eventually put a dirty mark on the door. Your clammy fingers. Yeah, your clammy fingers. Again, a great title for a poem. Ruth Jordan, could it be that someone famous lives in the Camden house

and the square frame is so they can hang their own version of the anointing screen when they leave home? She's brought all the varying threads of the show together. What a woman. Now, so what else? Well. Oh, dear. Well, we've. What a woman. Now, so, what else? Well.

Oh, dear. Well, we've also had a request. Can I request a song by Slade, please? As you know, they are a black country band. They are. Yes. I'll leave that with you, Frank. What song do you want?

I'll give you a quick one. It's Claire Hanford. So maybe in lieu of playing it, Frank could give us a burst. Okay. All right, everybody. Let your hair down. I'd better stop there. Well, I might stop my Billy Ray Cyrus part.

But it would have become get down and get with it. Get with it. You don't hear that phrase enough these days. Someone sent in a thing about phrases that you don't hear anymore, wasn't it? Your wish is my command. Someone did. I hear it quite a lot at the S&M parties.

Disgusting. 849, Hi Frank, Emily and Pierre, whatever happened to the phrase, your wish is my command? It was always that as well, that rhythm, your wish is my command. I feel like I heard this a lot as a child, whether said sarcastically or not,

but I haven't heard it for years now. That's actually from Daniel in Dorset. I thought that was going to be from King Charles III. I heard it a lot when I was a child. Was it a genie thing originally? Yeah. Yeah, I looked to you. Yeah.

Was he? Yeah. It was like an Aladdin job. Yeah, he did a wonderful thing there. He placed both hands across his elbows. He did. You'd be a great genie. Do you think?

Oh, my God. You were born to play the genie in Aladdin. Oh, my God, you're the genie. Wouldn't I have to be sort of fully waxed and painted blue? Yes. Of course. You've sold me on it. Frank, he even says very well.

I mean, yeah, it's perfect. And when you want something to happen, you'd go... Yeah, exactly. Genie, it's perfect. And when you want something to happen, you'd go, yeah, exactly. Genie, come genie. Really? I would,

if it comes up, is it still in the West End, Aladdin? I thought you meant the genie. I don't know where he lives these days. No, he's out the bottle.

I'll tell you what also, but you also know, you know everything. So genie answers all your questions, but I think you're quite loving boundaries as a genie. Because I think you'd know, you know everything. So genie answers all your questions. But I think you're quite love and boundaries as a genie. Because I think you'd say, no, you have three wishes only. Okay.

And I would sort of, it would be like footballers now, they have to have a financial advisor. There's a sort of genie, but there's also an accountant and a therapist. You don't want to wish for that. I think Pierre would be a bit more jodgy on the wishing. They'd be really self-conscious about what they wish. Oh, I wish for the Encyclopedia Britannica,

please. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Boys, there's something that needs to be discussed this morning. Without further ado, it's a big needs to be discussed this morning. Without further ado, it's a big night tonight. Yes. As you know, in Liverpool.

Yes. Whateverton Man City. Yeah. No, it's Eurovision, yes. It's Eurovision. I have to say, we're a Eurovision family in our house. What does that mean? We do the bits of paper when you write down

your top three secretly. So at the end, you can go, all right. Yeah. So yeah, we love you. Oh, wow.

Oh, I do as well. This is all alien to me. Yeah. Is it? I can imagine you not being able to relax into it. No. You've got to leave your irony

at the door with Eurovision. Leave it hanging to leave your irony at the door with Eurovision leave it hanging on my metal frame above the door whatever that is you see already

Judge Genie which is the character we created for Pierre I can imagine Judge Genie Judge Genie Judge Genie

I wish to attend the Eurovision that's what I'd do no no do you I'd fold my arms like that and I'd go don't go to the Eurovision. That's what I do. No, no. Do you? I'd fold my arms like that and I'd go,

Dad, go to the Eurovision. There's a talk by the Astronomer Royal tonight. No, but I really want to go now. Dad, go to it.

It's such a pleasure to hear a sort of kind of mad Afrikaans farm accent associated with highfalutin ideals. Exactly. It's a rare combo with the Astronomer Royal. Oh, man. Anyway, the Eurovision Song Contest.

It sounds like you're going to give a history of it. It's awesome. Can I be honest? I feel, frankly, intimidated by Judge Genie here. I know. I've said I of it. It's awesome. Well, can I be honest? I feel, frankly, intimidated by Judge Genie here. I know. I've said I enjoy it. He's looking at me differently. He's judged us both.

That's what he does. People are going crazy wild. Not my phrase. The phrase of, do you remember who first said that, Frank? No, I don't. It was Daniel Amacacci.

Was it Lord Alfred Douglas? No, it was Daniel Amacacci, the former Everton striker. Oh, he went crazy wild. He said all the fans are going crazy wild. I like it. As if it was the thing. Hyphenated?

No, he doesn't bother with hyphens. Oh, okay. But I've already seen some of the runners and riders. I love France already. Do you? Yeah. Have you heard it? No.

Evidement, it's called. Evid called évidemment so it's in french i'm guessing obviously yes yeah um and it just is she just says repeatedly évidemment what does that mean uh evidently obviously yeah oh okay and she frank i think you're really i think she might like that one okay yeah i quite like there's one called cha-cha-cha of course there is and it's about i don't know where he's from but he wears um he's finished i think he wears a green bolero is what they call it quite a padded thing and i worked with jonathan ross on a show and he gave me said, I've got a present for you for bars. That's my child, in case you're new to the show. And he gave me two enormous Hulk hands.

Oh, yes. And the green Bolero would have been the perfect accessory. It's even got, like, the big shoulders and biceps in it. Oh, of course. It's a bit Hulk gets invited to the Met Ball. Yes, it's a bit Hulk just after a really good deep tissue massage has brought the green to the surface. Frank, it's also got the flavour of, excuse me, Hulk,

may I take your wrap for you before you enter? It's the sort of wrap. Yes, it is. The ermine wrap. But no one would say that to the Hulk. No. Can I take your wrap for you before you enter? It's the sort of rap. Yes, it is. The urban rap. But no one would say that to the Hulk. No. Could I take your rap? It's more sounding.

But there's something about that song, which I'll tell you about in a second. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Frank has been talking, I mean, the man's obsessed about, I believe his name is Caria, Caria or something. Any Finns listening? That's his first name.

His surname is Opportunity. Bravo. What's the Finnish for Bravo? I think it's Blyaktik. Anyway, don't quote me on that. You really like the look of him, don't you? Well, I'll tell you what it is. Do you remember when you used to talk about Franz Ferdinand's Take Me Out?

Song one and two? Song one and two, yeah. So it's like a song that someone... You know when it used to be tales of people that bought a second-hand car only to find that it was two wrecked, the halves of two wrecked cars that had been welded together in the middle. And they get songs like that,

where you get a song and then it just changes and becomes another song. One could argue that in Bohemian Rhapsody... HE SINGS That was such, was an example of such a thing. So, but then,

we always felt you were either a, so, if you're lonely, or a, da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Yeah, I was very much,

da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Anyway. Yeah. That, cha-cha-cha, by, by, by,

by career opportunities. It, it starts off, I love the first half and I thought this is going to be my... Oh. And it suddenly became a song I didn't like as much. Do you know what? I've got a confession. I'm not saying this for the purpose

this is a radio show. This is honestly true. I heard the opening and it sounded like 12 old men playing kazoos my favorite and i thought oh my god this is so frank and then i thought this is getting a bit better in the second half can i tell you a story i was on uh ebay looking at um books they had um gk chesterton selected works and someone had written in the comments thing very old-fashioned and boring and i thought i'm having that and i bought it i bought it on that recommendation i thought that's exactly what I'm looking for.

What about you have that on one of your... You set for one of your posters, right? Yeah, an inverse review sort of system. But if anyone thinks that about it, I'll almost certainly love it. And it's great. Well, I've got to be honest, as soon as I heard the voices, and it sounded like old memories...

Oh, you've heard the voices again. I told you never mention that on air. It's the 70s, Joe. It sounded like people members... Oh, you've heard the voices again. I told you never mention that on air. Yeah, 70s jokes. It sounded like people with strep throat, and I thought he'll like this. Oh, you know, I love the start, and then I think, oh, Korea. Oh, wow.

People are saying it's a bit like Rammstein, is it? Oh, that first bit is like Rammstein. We are leaving America. Yes, exactly. One of the few heavy metal songs to mention, Wonder Brass. Yes, indeed. Career. Perhaps the only one.

Career opportunity, as it shall now be called, I'm afraid. What I liked is when they approached him for a comment, did you see what he said, Frank? He said, this has been everything. It's hard to put this situation into words and that's why I won't say anything. That's very Finnish. But then what I liked, which is very Finnish, because

he said, I've received lots of lovely messages but I'm booked up so I can't be contacted at the moment. Kisses and hugs to you all. Wow. I'm booked up. You never really talk to you all. Wow. I've burped up. You never really talk to fans like that. I have had finishes like that in relationships.

We're on Eurovision. The Israel entry. Did you see that one? No. They've got a song called Unicorn. Okay. I think it's going to do well. Do you know why? The young people, they love a unicorn.

They do. Gives them a unicorn. Do you remember The Bachelors? The Bachelors were an Irish trio. Oh, I remember The Bachelors, dear. Now, this was a group, though. And it was Conan Deck McCloskey and then another irish guy it wasn't one of the brothers i remember the day john lennon died the whole of television that night was beatles um and i remember my dad saying i don't

know what the fuss is about they weren't a patch on the Bachelors. Anyway, they did a song about the unicorn, probably in the 60s. Oh, they've got fashion. But yeah, but the unicorn's been reinvented as a whole bubble tea. This was a whole origin story. And the idea was that Noah omitted to invite the unicorn. Oh, right.

So you get Humpty Bat camels, chimpanzees and all that kind. He lists all the things and he goes but you ain't gonna see

no unicorn. That's what it was about. Wrong as it turns out. They're everywhere now. You can't get,

I mean, what is it with the unicorns? The unicorn lilos as well. Why aren't people satisfied with the narwhal if they need a single horned creature?

Don't invent one. Go for the narwhal. And the pastel sprinkles on the unicorn, please. Now listen, what about, Frank, I did think of you. I thought of you a couple of times. I thought of you the first time when I heard Carrier Opportunity in his Hulk shoulder outfit

the second time was when I came across the Austrian song oh yes do you want to, I think we need to hand over to you because there is a poetry theme I can read you a bit of a lyric from it there's a ghost in my body and he is a poetry theme. I can read you a bit of a lyric from it.

There's a ghost in my body and he is a lyricist. It is Edgar Allan Poe. I think he can't resist. Strange love writer, that catalogue. And it's about being possessed by Edgar Allan Poe, the American writer. I like the way Frank went writer. He's not going to give him poet. He's not going to give him poet.

He was a poet, but... No, he was a poet. He did Once Upon a Midnight, dreary as I pondered. Weak and weary. He did the nice raven one. Yeah, that's the right... Yeah, the raven one.

He was no stranger to a terrible rhyme. Sponsored by Lenore as well. Yeah. The raven one. Oh, I love a literary joke. But in that one, he says, this is one of the rhymes from the rave. Are you suggesting Edgar Allan Poe is doing a read for Lenore?

I hope so. When he wrote the raven. Yeah. Yeah, I've got a a read for Lenore. I hope so. When he wrote The Raven. Yeah. Yeah, I've got a collab deal with Lenore. Can I give you one of his rhymes from The Raven? Surely that is something at my window lattice. Let me see then what thereat is. Now, I think that could be in Eurovision.

Yeah. Is it a bit, she's broke but it's oak from Lady and the Tramp? Yeah, exactly. But it's a great, I like the idea of writing a song about being possessed to write a song, if you know what I mean. I thought it was interesting that the Austrian singers, it's Thea and Salena, are saying it's a sort of satire of how it's hard to be taken seriously as a female lyricist and stuff.

And that makes sense, but I can't imagine two Austrian songwriters going, well, who do we know who is taken seriously as a modern lyricist? It's probably someone like Edgar Allan Poe. Yeah, exactly. What? How can we be taken seriously?

Well, what if we were possessed by a then-writer from long time? Yes, then we would have absolute authenticity. Oh, man. Bad ideas, number 11. Let's be possessed by Edgar Allan Poe. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Regarding the mystery metal frame above the door.

Yes. A text in from 923. My gran used to put a box of hemlock over her front door to ward off evil spirits. Wow, that's a big box of hemlock, but I like the idea of that. Of course, speaking of Edgar Allan Poe, it could be where the raven lands. Who is it? Pallas. of that. Of course, speaking of Edgar Allan Poe, it could be where the raven lands. Yeah. Isn't there a,

who is it? Pallas. There's a bust over the door. A pallid bust of Pallas. That he's, that the raven, so we had a bit of

Edgar Allan Poe loving in the break. I enjoyed that. Well, I felt, you know what? I felt, we had the poetry

saw here. Yeah. It felt so true. Can I, also, think about poetry star here. Yeah. It felt so true. But also, think about the Raven. Not great company, though. No. Mix it up a bit. It just says never more.

A bit monothematic, the Raven. A bit monothematic, dear. We should mention May Muller, who is our representative tonight. And she's got a song. I'm going to quote from it. She's just been dumped by her boyfriend in the song. Wanted to trash your Benz, B-N-Z.

Tell all your friends how cruel you were to me. But then I wrote a song. It's all right when they say it. Yeah. I like the idea of turning something negative and awful into art like that a bit like my discussion of my run at the cellar theatre strange comparison when and we should say also she is theatrical royalty people are forgetting this or perhaps they don't care she's the granddaughter of uh actor Dame Billy Whitelaw.

The late Billy Whitelaw. It wasn't trending on TikTok, that piece of information, but I thought it might be interesting for some of our older readers. Thank you, good day. Not Willie Whitelaw, by the way, in case anyone... They won't know who that is on TikTok either. Well, look, as you know,

I'm wearing today my sweatshirt with Absolutely Mullard on it because Absolute are absolutely backing her in the thing. She used to go, did you know? This is a bit of local stuff, bear with us. But I used to live in a place called Belsize Park where there's a sort of,

a college that I never worked out, but young men, boys would stand outside in cravats and trilbies smoking. And I realised, of course, it was a fine arts college. And she went there. I went there briefly as well.

Did you really? Really. How much? Did you smoke Galois? Orlando Bloom went there. Did he really? In the days when he wore trousers. Yeah.

Poor Katy Perry. So, I'm backing France. She thought it was a sequel. Oh, my. Anyway, you're backing France. I'm backing Evidemment. Frank Skinner, you are. I'm going to go, I'm going to go, I'm going to back May, obviously.

You know what I mean? Oh, we're all backing May, but we've got to have another country. I would go to the cannon's mouth for my sovereign. Yeah. No, but apart from May, I'm going to go for cha-cha-cha and fade it halfway through.

Okay. Not the Hulk. Yeah. He hasn't got that much. Can I just say one thing? I must have told you about this, but I watched a documentary about a man who claimed

that he really was possessed by handle you know handle all right and he said when i first met handle he said i've had several lives when i first met had lie was the society beauty and then it was something like countess sophia de vicenza and the said, oh, OK, we'll take you seriously. And he said, where did you meet him? She said, well, I was living in Atlantis at the time. Oh, you've really fumbled that ball. You had a few fans left out there, and then you said Atlantis. and then you said Atlantis.

That reminds me of a radio forcing I heard about the Loch Ness Monster and someone put a really reasoned view about how it could be a colony of these reptiles that live, that's why it's gone all these years, it's a family and blah blah blah. I think

there was one originally, but I think the one people see now is a ghost. Make me a lot less monster and ghost. Is it not far-fetched enough for you? You're guilting the lily here. Oh, man. Thank you for listening to us this morning. Come on, May.

You can do it. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.