The Frank Skinner Show - Kloppelganger

Episode Date: July 3, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to Wembley and a Thomas Becket exhibition. The team also discuss ITV’s lookalike blunder, a fez crime and our worst ever text-ins. Oh, and it’s coming home.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. I'm not going to continue this analogy. I'm with Emily, Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram. At Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You betcha. Morning. Good morning.

Morning. Might I say, what joy it is to work with you both. I dig it. I've had pretty much the perfect week this week. Oh, yeah. Yeah. England beat Germany in the European Championships, and I went to a Thomas Beckett exhibition

at the British Museum. I mean, all my Christmases have come at once. It was lovely. Sounds like the sort of week where you didn't even need Doctor Who to lean on, but I bet you had some anyway. There was a little bit of Doctor Who, but you've got to have some cement between the house bricks. There's always some Daleks knocking about, Al.

Isn't there? There wasn't any Daleks this week, actually. Okay, okay. Cyberman having a cigarette. Otherwise perfect week. Anyway, I actually went. I went on Tuesday. I know that. Can I just tell you how I know that? Go on.

Well, I don't want to do a woe is me, and I think we all know where we were when England beat Germany in the Euros this week. It's sort of become a bit of a JFK moment for everyone because you were at Wembley, and I know that because they told me on the radio where I heard it, not watched it, because I, Alan Cochran,

heard England beat Germany on the radio because I was stuck on the M62 in about four hours of traffic jam. Wow. So you know that house that's in between two lanes that lots of comedians do jokes about on the M62? You know there's a house that's sort of stuck in between the motorway? I didn't know that, no. People do jokes that it's some bloke that just refused to sell his house when it was being planned.

I don't know what the actual truth is, but I got to watch that house at, like, one mile an hour whilst going past it for 40 minutes. There's a house in the midst of the M62 with people living there? Yeah. Yeah, it's like a farm, I think. Well, it's not very nice for the animals. What about the farmyard animals?

No, there's a lot of roadkill there. Some of the biggest roadkill I've ever seen in my life. I mean, you can't see over the top of some of the roadkill. It's not very picturesque for the pigs. No. I thought I was going to need it for a picnic whilst I was there, but no. I'm surprised. I'd for a picnic whilst I was there but no I'm surprised

I'd have thought the whole country was watching the match not just on the M62 my intention was to be at home watching the match

but they closed the M62 because of a lorry fire I believe but shout out to the other people that I spent time with there must have been

thousands of them that were just sat there a lorry driver beeped at the start of the game like as in here we go i thought that was a nice job really filled your heart with joy no that's that can't be can be very communal the traffic jam i i find well i tell you something else i had done a big food shop in merfield which was looking back on it a mistake to buy food 30 miles from my house.

And it was a hot day, and I started thinking, I've got eight packs of butter in the boot. Will they be melted by the time I get to Manchester? It's a good thing. They haven't. You might have a game show formula there. I would write that down. And I was getting a bit hungry.

Will they be melted by the time I get to Manchester? It could be called for butter or worse so you have to drive a boot full of butter that's very good I can't believe it isn't booter and you have to drive a boot full of butter

across a certain part of the UK my only concern Frank is that the estate of Bernard Matthews might sue for copyright. Maybe. What, for bootiful? For bootiful, yeah. No, I think it'd be horrible.

Wasn't there an African statesman called Mabuta? I don't think, I don't know if his family would be happy with it. But, you know, these are the things we're going to have to, you know, iron out in the meeting with the legal guys. Sure. But, I mean, the basic idea is there, in my opinion.

Frank, I was assuming you went to the football, did you not? He was there. Yeah. Yes, I was there, yes. And the last time I went to a football match, West Brom were in the champ. Oh, God. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had a slight incident here at Golden Square in that the way the producer tells us to shut up, because we've been talking too long during the link, is affairs, uses affairs, which he holds up. I know it sounds strange, but Emily brought it back from Morocco. And I did a lot of bargaining. I think I told you about this. Jonathan Ross helped me purchase it. And he pointed out to the Fez shop owner.

He was trying to explain he wanted it small. And he said, I want a small Fez. And then he said said pour une chat pour une petite chat he wanted a fez as small as a little cat that a little cat

would work which I thought was eccentric anyway back to my colleague Frank Skinner yes so I whenever I think

of a fez I think of the old Clinton Ford song the old Bazaar in Cairo which used to be a bit where there's a bit about striptease

on the mat, and then, oompa, oompa, that's enough of that, in the old bazaar in Cairo. It's a great song. But you don't want to hear about that. So the Fez is our flag, if you like. So the Fez has been broken. Well, it's not just been broken.

Broken and hidden. You know, when you break something, you're so ashamed, has been broken well it's not just been broken broken and hidden you know when you break something you're so ashamed you hide you remember my cleaner broke my the bride you know the bride from kill bill had a fabulous one of those you're talking about real life and she'd broken um she'd broken her samurai off you know know, it's Uma Thurman. I know, I know. And it was an American comic said, when you assume you make an ass out of me and Uma Thurman. But anyway, what she did,

she obviously knocked it off the thing and broke it. She put the bride back and she just leaned the broken samurai across the shoulders as if I wouldn't notice. Oh, no. You see, it erodes away at the fabric of society. And I feel... What breakages?

The theft of the fez, it sickened me. Quite honestly. No, I'm not exaggerating. How someone, the deceit of the character... To hide it. To destroy it accidentally, maybe. It's been... Yeah, we all make mistakes.

Could be an ex-policeman, tried it on, the pointy head. Some of us make mistakes. Uh-huh. That's fine. We're all God's children. What I will not accept is hiding it away, the sneakiness of putting it in that cupboard. Do you think they should have just confessed?

We have to leave it there because we can't follow that. Anyway, that was the mystery of the fest. I think generally in broadcasting, you're not allowed to go more than half an hour without some sort of crime drama. Right. So that's got that filled in. So yes, I went to the match on Tuesday.

Oh, I wasn't sitting looking at the mysterious M62 house. And worrying about a £130 food shop cooking or rotting whichever way it would have gone. No, I was... I've Greek yoghurt in there, Frank. Oh, come on. That wasn't very apt for a Germany verse. Couldn't you have had sauerkraut?

Oh, I had that too, yeah. I had a grand verse. It was fantastic, obviously. I'll tell you something I discovered. The German national anthem actually works quite well with booing. You know when you play a bagpipe and there's the drone note that just goes... Yeah.

It was like that. So... It sort of gave it a sort of depth and strength. I think the Germans should incorporate booing into it generally as a walk down memory lane for Tuesday night. I know people disapprove of this sort of thing but it's all part

of the theatre I like it yeah yeah I don't mind they can boo us it's fine Alan Cochran pro booing

there you go pro booing I've heard that not at my gigs I hope I haven't had any booing for a long time you get the occasional

you know mouth you should put that on your poster that'd be a nice five stars I haven't had any booing for a long time. You get the occasional, you know, mouth. You should put that on your poster. That'd be a nice five stars. I haven't had any booing for a long time. Yeah. Frank Skinner. I'd come and see the show on the basis of that.

I might put it. I'd be looking at it and thinking, he sounds on form, worth a look. Whereas in my personal life, I get booing on a daily basis. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I realised, by the way, that we've got several listeners in Scotland, Wales and Ireland who probably don't really want to hear much about England beating Germany. I won't go on and on.

Just to say, we got a bit of hospitality. I went with David Baddiel and our two sons. His son is 16 and mine is 9. We had to wear suits and ties, we were told. So it looked like a really rough draft of Reservoir Dogs. Oh, yeah. The tall and the short, the elderly. Reservoir Dogs and the intern dogs.

I'll tell you what, when we got to the um the hospitality bar place no one else was in smart outfits everyone else was just england shirts jeans and then we're just us four it looked like you know when you see the jehovah's witnesses canvassing a council estate and they're sort of we didn't have our briefcases with us, but apart from that, we just, I think it was, we got the wrong message, but it was fine.

I didn't mind that. Did they look after you? Did you get fed? Oh yeah, we got fed, yeah. What did you get? Greek yogurt

and eight packets of butter. Yeah, eight packets of butter we had each, just so we could fill out our sports replica shirts properly. i it was it was all nice speaking of reservoir dogs when i had my nightmare night at the brits um when i hosted the

brits can you give me a ramp next time you're going to mention it because i need to sort of steal myself one thing i remember about it was um mentioning reservoir dogs michael madsen was um presenting an award oh yeah and just before he came on one of the organizers came to me and says michael doesn't want any interview or anything like that he just can you just step off the stage he wants to come on and just do it all himself and i thought it was a very clear thing of not wanting to die by association oh yes yeah so he came on and thought i don't i don't want this i don't want anyone to see me in a photograph which has got this bloke dying in it and think oh there's two right it happens you didn't want to remove you from the picture like Stalin.

No, exactly. It happens in the guerrilla community, I believe. Does it really? They allow them to, if someone knows that things aren't going well, I mean, not necessarily a gig, I'm talking health-wise for the guerrilla, they disappear to another area and the others abandon them. Well, that happens with comics, doesn't it, Al? It's a bit different when someone's dying, everyone comes out of the dressing room to watch,

but they don't want to get too close after less. There should be contamination. But I thought Michael Madsen was a bit... I wasn't happy about it. Where is he now, thank God? Well, I actually caught his ear off in a garage after. Thought he was asking for it. So, yeah, anyway, so England beat Germany.

That's what happened on Tuesday night. And I'll tell you something. I thought, I felt a bit Andy Murray at the end. I thought Sweet Caroline went slightly better than Three Lions in the post-match sing-song. Did you? Is that what Andy Murray's been discussing in the post-match sing-song. Did you? Is that what Andy Murray's been discussing in his post-match interviews? No, no, but you know, someone on the downward slope

is the general vibe now for someone who's had great times. And, yeah, I felt like we'd beat Germany and lost to Neil Diamond in extra time. But, you know, I tend to put a bit of, sometimes, a bleak sweep on things. Yes, you know, I tend to put a bit of, sometimes a bleak sweep on things. Yes, you do. I mentioned this to Dave and he just slapped me across the face.

But, you know, every friendship has those, that bit of rough and tumble, I find. Remember Dumb and Dumber? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did you get to hang out with David Beckham, Ed Sheeran? No, but I'll tell you what did happen. We were having a bit of a post-match bratwurst to celebrate and Mo Farah came over.

And I thought, Boz, in case you don't know, it's my nine-year-old. I thought, you won't know Mo Farah came over. And I thought, Boz, in case you don't know, it was my nine-year-old, I thought, you won't know Mo Farah. So I said, Boz, this is one of our, you know, our greatest ever runners. And he went, are you Mo Farah?

And it was great. It was a great moment. I think even Mo must get it a lot. A great moment. Really, a great moment. Lovely, Frank. Yes. Well, I'll tell you what,

I think he spotted him. You know those hats, baseball hats with the clapping hands on? Well, Mo had modified one of them. I don't know if he'd stitched it itself. So it formed a Mo bot. To do the end. On top of it, yeah. Good.

Just in case someone hadn't spotted him. Well, Boz sent me a lovely picture of him with Mo Farah. Oh, yes, he was very excited. And your mother-in-law commented, I haven't been this excited since sliced bread. Huh? Yeah, what a party that was. I think it was just her, Marion Faithfull, and some people.

I do like the idea of her being there at the launch of sliced bread. I imagine it was the 20s, perhaps? Was it? A good question. I don't know. I'm guessing the 20s. There used to be a saying, didn't there? People used to say this is the best thing since sliced bread. Yes, since sliced bread, but they didn't say, I haven't been this thing since sliced bread. Yeah, since sliced bread, but they didn't say, I haven't been this excited since sliced bread.

That's a slightly different meaning, which I enjoy. It also suggests that sliced bread is maybe no longer around. Yeah. I must admit I prefer it. I think there's something a bit showy about unsliced bread. Oh, dear. Yeah. Right.

It's a bit farmer's market. Yeah, it is. It's a Oh, dear. Yeah. Right. It's a bit farmer's market. Yeah, it is. It's a bit artisan. Yeah. Just eight quid is what it is. Al, did you read this? 091 says, Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan.

Hearing Frank talk about him going to the England game with David Baddiel and our two sons made them sound like such a nice little family. It's a bit like Elton John and David Furnish. Yes, it was a bit like thatton John and David Furnish. Yes, it was a bit like that. Gemma and Meow would be so proud. It was a bit.

Also, I like being at a match in a suit and tie because if you watch the 66 World Cup final, when they have shots in the crowd, there's loads of people in a suit. I think in the 60s, people just put on a suit and tie generally. And I always liked the idea of turning up at a match like that, rather than wearing the collars. I did actually have an England shirt on, under my shirt. Strange thing to do, I know, but it felt right. A hot day to do that. Oh, remember, it was five o'clock.

An invisible layer. The sun was beginning to go down. Oh, remember it was five o'clock. An invisible layer. The sun was beginning to go down. I liked your looks. I think Oedipus is more than one. Well, Al, did you think I thought Frank went... Very good. I thought

Frank's look was quite rat pack, which I liked. Yeah. Yeah. David David was, I like David's look. It was the more Italian on his way to an informal script meeting. It's a bit more casual, his look. Yeah.

He's always been a bit more. I liked it. I like, having been in lockdown for uh nine and a half years or what it seems like i i like the excuse to put a tie on and stuff i never did i never did that i was never didn't wake up one lock lockdown day and think you know what i'm going to dress up today just because i i am what i am i am my own no i just i've just stayed in elasticated stuff and it was good to you know i felt like like I was in a space suit. I love each spangle and each feather.

It covers a multitude. And as we always say, I look better in a suit than Daniel Craig. Too muscular. Daniel, take the tip. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. So I went to the British Museum to the Thomas Beckett exhibition

I've got to tell you it was brilliant I went on my own and so there was no one saying for God's sake can we go now and I was in there like two hours There was no one saying will no one rid me of this troublesome or meddlesome Well turbulent is what

they settled for in the exhibition. Oh! You all know the Thomas Beckett, the king's fed up and he says something like, I'm sick of this bloke, will no one rid me of this turbulent priest? And four knights think, we'll do it. And then he said, I didn't actually mean it, you idiots.

Yes. But it was great. It was so Catholic. It went through the Catholic ceiling. There was reliquaries galore. I would call it peak Catholic. Oh, absolutely. There was, in fact, they did a five-star review in The Guardian

and then the bloke, because he was in The Guardian, panicked and said, it is in no way looking back to the happy days for Catholic England, it's just a completely different world where people believe that bones can do magical things. And I thought, what, people don't think that anymore? What are they? What's the matter with them? No imagination. Thomas, I call him.

Tommy. Beck. Loser, Beck. Frank. Sorry, we just played Loser by Beck. I mean, it would have been the perfect thing if it was right across the Decade Channel. Thomas Abbeckett, he's sometimes known as. Sometimes, yeah.

Do you prefer Beckett or Abbeckett? I used to call him Thomas Abbeckett, and now I call him, it seems to have settled. I don't know where the A came from. Wasn't there a footballer playing for Liverpool called Alan Accourt? Oh, yes. I think that would suggest that's a French thing, isn't it? Yeah, probably.

So, of, Thomas O'Beckett. But he's Thomas Beckett for me. You wouldn't say Rob O' Rob Beckett, would you? I would now. OK, let's call him Robert Beckett on the show from now on. So what sort of stuff was at this Catholic afternoon out for you? Well... Gift shop?

The highlight, and I don't want to despoil us, but the highlight is that you get a section of Thomas Beckett's skull. Because when they hit him, the sword broke, but also the top of his head was slightly removed. Oh, it's a shame. When you say you get a section, you mean that you can see it? You don't mean everyone gets a little piece? No, no, you don't get a section.

No, it's not Cadbury World. Oh, Al, I thought that as well. I found it, seeing a bit of his skull, I found absolutely amazing and moving and all the rest of it. It reminds me of when I went

to the Elvis Wart Museum where someone has built an entire museum just around a wart that Elvis had removed in the 50s. I think there should be more exhibitions about people where there's actually a little bit of the person involved. Well, do you know what? I'm going to make it my life's work

to build the Frank Skinner Veruca. You know what? I've never had a Veruca. No, you know why? Because you're immaculate. Are we playing I've Never? That reminds me of someone told me they worked with Bruce Forsyth and he had the tiniest, tiniest notes

written on his thumb and she said, God, you must have fantastic eyesight. And he said, Ah, never read a book. Little tip for you there. Anyone listening? This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. A little tip for you there. Anyone listening?

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Oh, dear, I've got emotional in my own song. Forgive me. And this... Oh, my God. Do you know I love this? It's because there was a bit of footage On the telly of Rome And I thought

Oh my god Are we going to win it Anyway This is Frank's Can I just say 6, 8 Oh yeah Oh yeah

Go on Yes Frank's in Absolute Radio Emily Dean Alan Cochran Text the show on 8, 12, 15 Follow the show on Twitter And Instagram

At Frank on the radio Email the show Via the Absolute Radio website. Ah, football. 682 has brought you back down to earth with one of the clichés that comes up whenever that song is played by you. Royalties are rolling in, Frank, well deserved.

I mean, we do get a lot of royalties rolling in. We've had a few other people... Well, I'll tell you who's taken it one further. One of our regulars, Duncan Edward, has said visions of Frank in a swimming pool of cash like Scrooge McDuck. The royalties are surely coming home too. I mean, you'd be surprised how less.

But yes, it does get mentioned a lot. My manager was saying this week that David Baddiel phones him about it once a week. Well, he's a money-saving expert, as we know. Well, Reader866 has asked a searching question that I like. It's a bit more interrogative than about the financials. Dear Frank and the gang, for the last few weeks, I've been woken up by the dulcet tones of Badil, Skinner and the Lightning Seeds.

The one question I have is this, Frank. How is your voice so high-pitched in the song compared to now? Honestly, I have no idea what's happened. I don't remember you having a high-pitched voice in the 90s, though I was only five when the original Three Lions song came out. Have a good rest of show, especially as it's coming home. That's nice, isn't it? Well, I think that there's a basic misunderstanding there

of the difference between the spoken voice and the singing voice. I mean, if you meet Alan Jones, he doesn't say, How are you, friend? You know, it's a different thing that he takes on he really should no if he did

I'd love him for it and he'll get a shot when you meet Sarah Brightman he says to me she doesn't say hello Alan Jones

said to me that at Christmas he would still say about 85% of his Christmas cards have got snowmen people think oh I bet no one else has done this.

Oh, yeah. But anyway. I bet he gets a lot of walking in the air jokes, you know. I went to a party in Cardiff many years ago. And he was there. It made me really happy that he was there. One of the great joys, I think, is the clichéd view of celebrities and public figures

is when they do exactly what you want them to do. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like we had... Me and Dave, some of our older listeners will know, did a TV show called Fantasy Football and we had Chas and Dave on because they'd done a few football songs themselves. Spurs are on their way

to Wembley. Tottenham's going to down it again. And they were late arriving. It's very exciting to remember they did that

terrible song. She won't stop talking while I'm giving her rest. Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit. She's got more rabbit than Sainsbury's. And what about Carriage Best,

Carriage Best, Carriage Best. Carriage Best. Their signs are a rest. Don't take my word for it. Put it to the test. You can all be a part of Carriage Best. All our advertisers will be phoning up now and saying, why isn't he singing?

You know, we pay £200 a month. Yeah. Anyway. Sorry, meanwhile. They were late for filming, Chas and Dave, and we got a frantic call from the researcher who'd picked them up from the station to say that they'd made him stop off at a pie and mash shop.

And I thought, I'm all right with that. I don't mind the whole thing being delayed. That is so what should happen. Brilliant. If you've ever seen a public figure exactly in the context you want them, let us know. That would be good.

I haven't finished with my... I'm genuinely recommending the Thomas Beckett. That's not a joke. There's a stained glass window from Canterbury Cathedral there. Of course there is. Which shows a blinding and castration ceremony, something you don't often see in a stained glass window.

And then you get a part two when the bloke's eyesight and everything has grown back thanks to the intervention of St Thomas. And there's two blokes pointing at this bloke's crotch in a sort of a ta-da kind of a way. It's back! Look, it's back! You remember it's gone, it's back! How do you like these apples?

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 781 has said, Unfortunately not me, but my friend saw Gerard Depardieu getting on a moped in Paris wearing a stripy jumper and beret and carrying a baguette. That can't be true. I wonder. I mean, that is exactly the sort of thing we're after,

but not in a hearsay version. Did he have onions hanging around? I actually thought he was going onions. It's a good lie in that he didn't go onions. I don't think he needed stripy shit. Beret was maybe an error. I mean, please. I don't want to do a lying workshop on breakfast television,

but I think the beret was a step too far. Is you calling this breakfast television one of your lying workshops? Oh, God, that was a terrible, tragic Freudian slip flashback. Although that could be the next stage of my career, of course, breakfast television. We've had a wonderful compliment for you, Frank, but it doesn't relate to your work on here, of course, breakfast. We've had a wonderful compliment for you, Frank, but it doesn't relate to your work on here, so it's fine. 848. Frank, as

poetry, sir, do you want to just drink that in? You're actually being called that now? Can I ask you to pause and enjoy the sheer poetry of sheer lions, he said. I think he means three lions. Okay. I love sheer lions. I can't listen to him.

Sheer nylons, is he? Without an attack of lacrimosity. Goodness. Like all great art, it appears to speak to you personally. It takes me back to 1982 and my wide eyed belief. And all my nearly there's a life of being an England fan. In the

end it's the hope that kills you and yet we still believe. Thanks for playing my eight-year-old daughter Aurora's favourite song of all time. Thanks to Three Lions, she knows more about Nobby Styles than Harry Styles. Well, that is... That's from Matt in Surrey. I like you, Matt. Yeah, less teeth, but better at football. That's my summary. Okay.

I'll tell you what they had in the Abeke exhibition. They had a lot of bones which had been used in medieval London for ice skating. Now, did you know about that? Well, I remember it, yeah. People used to tie bones to the bottoms of their shoes and use them as ice skates. Are you sure that wasn't an episode of The Flintstones?

It's got an element. And then they took a call using a brontosaurus's tail. Yes, on the medieval peasantry. We're all out skating on... I like the idea that they were doing figure of eight but didn't know because of the illiteracy levels. It shows that it's an instinctive thing. What's the thing in the Rob Beckett Museum?

Yeah. He'd have KFC bones because you know he's gone viral this week. Oh, Rob Beckett's Instagram is a thing of pure joy. I urge you to get involved. He pictured himself after the game, Frank, slumped in an alley with a KFC bucket.

Wow. With a police van. I always thought it's extremely convenient the KFC comes in a bucket. It's good that they've thought that through to the final chapter

yeah one of these reliquaries of becky you know reliquaries what they keep a bit of someone in has got it's like a silver figure of him with a sword through his head like what you get at a joke shop you know those ones that you clip over your head it honestly looks like that and that's the one with a bit of score anyway go and see it's brilliantly brilliantly i must tell you about when i uh taught chaucer at um college of fa and i i cheated i cheated exactly i cheated i um i pretended i spoke middle english and i and i and i't. I did entire lessons going, and a landlord and a wife lay honking at both ends. And they all just, I mean, it's terrible looking back, terrible sham.

It's a great line, though. The landlord and his wife lay honking at both ends about them in bed at night. Oh, Chaucer's still getting laughs on breakfast television. Oh, I've said television again. I know. It's so pathetic. I'm going to talk to you about it.

Play the song. It's so pathetic. I know it is. Oh, my God. It's like none of these Japanese guys who thinks the war's still going on. Ha, ha, ha. still going on. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I share this with you

boys from 007? Yes, please. Al, you okay with that? Hearing from 007? Oh yeah, I always like to hear from Bond. Hello Frank and everyone. On the subject of celebrities in their element my wife and i honeymooned in venice we stayed at a swanky hotel in its own island

that will happen in venice we had to catch a launch to the main part of the city and one day we shared the launch with none other than alan wicker okay now alan wicker for our younger listeners was that he was like who is who's in the travel chair now it's that guy who does um simon reeve yes simon reeve who who likes an ethnic scarf is that alan wicker liked her like a spotted dickie bow and that's you know know, times have changed. Yeah. But yeah, it would have been Michael Palin in the travel. It would have. So he sat in the travel chair with her. He looked...

Sort of a sedan chair. Yes. And he was rhyming slang as well. Alan Wicker. Alan Wickers. Was he really? Yeah, for the sort of ladies called our undergarments. Oh, I never knew that.

Got your Alan Wickers. I remember seeing a Cockney rhyme and slang dictionary that had Frank Skinner for dinner. It didn't. Yeah. That's nice. Winner's dinners. Remember him?

Anyway, back to Alan Wicker. He looked very splendid and he was with his wife. They both looked quite frail, though, and it did not seem appropriate to ask him if he was off to Wicker Island or something. So we travelled with them but didn't speak. But I will always regret not speaking to the great gentleman.

That's David in Chippenham. Yeah, he was one of the old school, wasn't he? I think it's the Cipriano in Venice. Oh, Cipriano, yeah. The posse hotel that's on the island. Never been there. Yes, it's a big... The fashion people are very fond of that.

One of the dangers, if you get onto the islands, is you get... You know, my hatred of glass with a bit of paint in it. There's a place that specialises in that. Venice, they love it there in Venice awful you know I hate coloured glass I hate a blue glass and I can't drink out of it

what about glass with a blinding and castration ceremony have you got a view on that yet I'm all over it you can't drink out of a coloured glass I was at an ex-boyfriend's once and he gave me a blue glass and it was early doors in the relationship.

I mean, this was a bold move to be this aux early on. Normally you store up the high maintenance and it's too late, they're sucked in. But it was about day four. I said, I'm really sorry, I can't drink out of that. Oh, wow. Really? Yeah, he said, what do you mean? I said, I'm really sorry, I can't drink out of that. Oh, wow. Really? Yeah, he said, what do you mean?

I said, it's blue. Did he just break up with you there and then? No, he was foolish. He persisted. And he said, what's the problem with it? I said, I just, it makes me feel sick. Is this quite a lot for date four, by the way? No, I think you've...

We all have those. I haven't dated for a long time, but I used to get those flash frames. You know, people used to insert these things into TV and it says things like the BBC or Evening just comes up for a second and it's gone. I used to get... I'd be talking to someone and they'd say something

and I'd get the, this relationship will never work flash frame, come on, just a bit shaken by it. I think he would have got that. I never got past those, I must say. The blue glass. The colored glass, that's strict. I just said, look, it just makes me a bit sick

because I like to see into the abyss of the liquid. You see, for me, I don't think we've got a clean glass in our house. And I don't think I've ever cleaned a glass to the point where it's clean. To me, a glass is always dirty. So a coloured glass at least puts a brave face on that. Oh, do you like Frank's version of I've never? I've never cleaned a glass to the point where it's clean. No, I've never.

I've always cleaned it to the point where it's still a bit smeared, but I've thought that'll do. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, can I just share this before we move on? OK. There's a lovely little story about you.

OK. It's OK. I've cleared it. Right. I've cleared it. Tracy, 764. I'm worried. I met Frank in 2002. Okay It's okay I've cleared it Right I've cleared it Tracy 764 I'm worried

I met Frank in 2002 Oh 2002 was alright I'd start by then Oh my god Okay Whilst working at Birmingham

Bullring HMV Yeah now that is... Is this a celebrity where you expect them to be? Absolutely. Listen to this. He was my hero at the time.

Don't worry, that sounds like things are about to change. They don't. Yeah, at the time. I'd have left that out if I was reading it. No, luckily she... Yeah, I know, I should, but don't worry. It's fine. I like to put the jeopardy in for you, so you get a nice surprise.

I told him so and asked him to sign his autobiography. He told me to get a better hero and then went on to sign my book with a list of better people to choose as my new hero. Oh, wow. Absolute perfection, Tracy. Now, that is classy, I find. But what I want from Tracy is who was on that list.

Yeah, Kim Jong-il. Yeah. Starling. Is Kim Jong-il, is that the dad? That's the daddy. Oh, that's the daddy. No longer with us, of course. I was trying to date it at about the right time.

Yeah, he's passed. The daddy. I mean, I referred to him as Big Daddy. But that's between me and him. Still remembered, I think it's fair to say, in North Korea. We still believe. I'm better than you. Do you think they sing it in North Korea?

We still believe. Can you imagine if you found out that had been adopted? As a sort of anthem. I would still be pleased. I think people wouldn't be saying they're four, but they're getting a load of royalties from North Korea. Imagine trying to enforce that. I don't know.

I'd fancy your manager's chances if anyone could do it. Rocket man, as Donald Trump called him. When is Joe Biden's first joke going to come? Oh, don't hold your breath. It doesn't do the jokes. No, you've got to do it. If you're a politician, you have to do a joke now and again during your speeches. The thing is, you just lose sight.

Is it difficult? They don't know when they're funny at all because the people laugh so obsequiously at everything they say. It is like being elf. So they'll be signing a document or a treaty and they'll say, oh, thought it wasn't going to work then. Yeah. They think that's funny. Yeah, Prince Charles gets that as well in Say Summer. I must admit, I wouldn't mind having that in my life.

Just guffawing yes men and women around me. At first I might have a bit of, you know, just acclimatisation, but after a bit I think I could probably get to like it. I think you'd miss us. Oh, yeah, probably. Yeah, light and shade frank skinner frank skinner absolute radio um by the way can i just say can i just say just a second if any of our

any of our listeners what is this i just tried out on this and he got it on his second guess. Yeah. My first guess was comedic, to be fair. Yeah, yes. I didn't guess because I couldn't read all of them. Well, you can see me. I can see you, but do it again, Frank, just in case. Okay.

Oh, it's very... This might be our worst ever texting that we've done. we did have a texting earlier in a sort of appropriate way like you know for example if you were to see john mackinrow and he was shouting at somebody that would be like the right vibe to see um and uh tracy texted us to say that she'd met you in Birmingham, which that's it, isn't it? That's all you need. That would do. At the Bullring Centre and you'd given her an autograph and recommended that she get a different hero.

She's now sent another text to say, as requested, celebrities on Frank's list included the following. I'm not at home right now so cannot recall all of them but standouts were Elvis Presley, Charles Dickens, David Baddiel. Wow. Two were already my obsessions, not so much the other one

but I don't know who those two were. You're right. She's let us guess. I like to think that David Baddiel is a combination of the other two. David Baddiel's my obsession. I'd put Baddiel and Dickens in the same bracket. He doesn't cross over with Elvis. No, I'm thinking Bad Beard.

No, he doesn't cross over with Elvis. I think that's correct. Speaking of textings, what about worst textings we've ever had on the show? Yeah. I mean, before that was, I think, last week when I asked, is there any commonplace phrases that you've turned into a liturgical chant? And we got zero replies. I know, that was terrible.

That surprised me. 377, staple remover. That's Gavin in Suffolk has suggested. A staple remover? I didn't know there was such a thing as a staple remover. I mean, well, Gavin must be some sort of office supplies manager. Sounds like a new diet, the staple remover. I think. No, but it does.

Yeah, staple remover. Frank, can you confirm? It isn't that. Shall I text? I don't want people squandering their 50 pences on this. It's me trying to get a toothpick out of a toothpick container. That's what it is.

If anyone can help me with this, I was just saying to Al, I have a vague memory of a TV show that had sound effects like that. And I'd hear something else that's gone. In fact, I'm going to do one of these if I can find it. Here we go.

Those competitions where it was an article photographed from a close-up, an unusual angle. Do you remember that? You'd think, what is that? Some sort of strange lunar... No, it's a cheese grater. Oh, God, yeah, I can see it now. It's a cheese grater

shot from one end and very close what happened to those do they still exist 8.12.15 this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean

and Alan Cochran you can text the show on 8.12.15 follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Very good.

Here's the thing. I went for lunch this week. I dined out. Still feels like a tremendous new innovative thing to do. And I was in the restaurant and a woman started going oh it's coming home it's coming home it's coming I can have a photo can have a photo so I said yeah and I went over and I did a photo and she's going oh it's coming home it's coming home and then this bloke walked past and said well when you walked in she said you was Paululo grady um i mean i had six dogs with me yeah fair no but she was i never i never

said she clearly had said that i was fine with it i can see you know old old geyser um vaguely familiar yeah but um i'll take my um i would have happily signed as Paul O'Grady if required. Would you? Oh, God, no. Does he do POG just to save time? I don't know what he... Probably just a poor print nowadays. Yes. He was one of my co-nominees when I won the Perrier,

when he was Lily Savage. Oh, was he? Oh, yeah. Very funny man. Does he still do that? The dogs probably don't like the cigarette smoke. I don't think he does Lily Savage anymore. No, he does the dogs now.

He does dogs now. Yeah, I mean, they're all at it. You pioneered it. You know what? I walked so they could run. Oh, well, good on you. That's nice. That is nice.

I walked so they could run. Oh, well, good on you. That's nice. That is nice. That's not the only mistaken identity story this week, you being Paula Grady. An ITV presenter has been duped by a Jürgen Klopp lookalike. Oh, yes, Jonathan Swain. Jonathan Swade?

Yeah. I mean, did you see this incident boys? I should say in case you didn't see this the sports reporter guy on Good Morning Britain claimed and now I've watched this three times the clip because I thought is he joking?

He isn't joking. So he sees there's this guy who does a Jurgen Klopp, the Liverpool manager. He does a sort of lucky-likey thing of him. And he saw him on Wembley Way with a bunch of England fans. And he said, what a great bloke, Jurgen Klopp. He's hanging out with them, sitting on the shoulders of one England fan with a can of beer. And he thought, really?

In his Liverpool tracksuit. That is part of the disguise if you're a Jurgen Klopp lookalike to wear the full tracksuit and the hat like Jurgen Klopp does. Like I say, I thought he's doing this tongue-in-cheek, but I've watched it and I really don't. I think he was full. Oh, he was. Do you know he was interviewed afterwards Swain

Swain Swain was interviewed on by Kate Garraway afterwards oh yeah and they made him do a live link up

with the Klopp lookalike Ray Cornwall eccentric millionaire 61 I believe oh

he actually was described in the headline in the Sun as millionaire tycoon. Do they have them? Can you be a non-millionaire tycoon? Also, it's tycoon.

And penniless tycoon, Dave. What are you talking about? Millionaire or tycoon. Just, we don't need both. Tycoon is quite, 70s, it's quite sort of... I love tycoon. What is it, doing chips? My all-time favourite is quite 70s. It's quite sort of... I love Tycoon....wizard and chips. My all-time favourite is Plutocrat.

But we're all different. We were discussing Ray Cornwall, the Jurgen Klopp lookalike. Yeah, the millionaire tycoon. Who, we should just say looks very, very like him. A lot of these lookalikes are rubbish, aren't they?

But he really does look the part. Yeah, he is a good one. He's short. He's considerably shorter, apparently. Is that right? Jürgen Klopp's quite a big lad. Jürgen's about 6'2". Maybe that's why he's on that guy's shoulders.

Yeah, that's what it is. Maybe they had one long overcoat on. One of those padded ones like Arsene Wenger used to wear. Oh, done up too tightly at the neck to conceal the hoax. Oh, man, that was a Beano classic two kids get into. Do you think the Liverpool fans or the Germany fans have ever shouted, there's only one Jurgen Klopp? And are now having to revise their opinion.

Well, I'm worried about me Mo Farah now. Maybe it was a millionaire rich bloke who was going around. Eccentric millionaire tycoon. I like how he owned, when when they I believe it was the Sun or one of those was saying how he'd earned his money and they said

who has built his fortune through a successful chain of Mexican restaurants a property empire and a classic car hire business I mean there's a lot to unpack in that business empire isn't there

no he's I like him I like him he's a lot to unpack in that business empire, isn't there? No, I like a bloke who's spread his interests. Entrepreneurial. Jonathan Swain, did you say then that he's done an interview admitting that he was fooled? They sort of, they had him live on air and Jonathan Swain said in it, he sort of looked faux embarrassed

and then he said and this is what I didn't like he said well to be fair I mean if I'd have you know seen him

eating pork scratchings and drinking pints alluding to the video of him drinking then I think the penny might have dropped but he did see him doing that

and I thought I'm sorry but I think the penny would have been on its way down when he was singing It's Coming Home. Yeah. Surely.

A German player. The most famous German in football singing It's Coming Home. And then his next article, he said, I was in Kensington Palace Gardens. I saw Princess Diana the other day with two kids. Unbelievable. Now, Jonathan, Jonathan. No, no, honest, I did. It was other day with two kids. Unbelievable. Now, Jonathan, Jonathan. No, no, honest, I did. It was amazing.

Oh, no. Adverts. Go to adverts, Steve. Oh, I am reminded of an early, I think I did this story as stand-up, but I was at my first ever Edinburgh. There was a show about Hans Christian Andersen, the children's writer.

And I saw the bloke doing, they used to have these shows where people would do 10 minutes from their show as a little tease, and they'd come and explain the show and then do a bit. And he came on dressed as Hans Christian Andersen. And he said, yes, I am,

he was obviously an actor who was inventing stuff. And he said,en and he said yes I he was obviously an actor who was inventing stuff and he said yes he said when I the reason I play

Hans Christian Andersen is so many people have told me I look like him and I thought they have that is not true no one's ever

got on the bus and said hold on is that is that Hans Christian Andersen? God, it is. If it isn't him, it's his dog, but I know. No, how do you know? What does he look like? It's like saying, you know who you really look like?

Thomas a Beckett? Yeah, exactly. You ever thought of doing a Thomas a Beckett sort of, you know, kiss the gram type thing? The little liar. Have you ever thought of doing a Thomas Beckett sort of, you know, kiss-a-gram type thing? The Little Liar. Briefly, before we return to the Jurgen Klopp look-alike, I'd just like to bring your attention... The Klopp-al-Ganga.

Oh, very good. Do you think if it was like a band where you get tribute acts, he'd be called Jurgen Clippety? You know, when they do the little joke. Oh, lovely, Al. 682 has texted in, you asked what our worst texting ever had been, Frank. Why do you do that to us, Frank?

It's a rhetorical question. Don't do that to us, because it's very depressing. OK. I like how pithy this is. Worst texting, how do you dirty a bra? You did it, Frank. I've heard it on the podcast. Yeah, I think I did.

You didn't. Because Catherine said to me, oh, God, I'm wearing a dirty bra. And I thought, how do they get dirty? They never really are. I suffer early Madonna. They're never really... I said for early Madonna, they're never really on the surface. Yeah. But anyway.

Yes, I bet the response... Maybe not in your house. The response wasn't enormous. I wouldn't have thought, how do you dirty a bra? I think you lit up the switchboard, actually. Well... Can I say one thing about the Jurgen Klopp or Ganga? Is that Jurgen Klopp normally when you see him wears a baseball cap.

And that's a slight problem because celebrities I find tend to wear a cap when they're out if they don't want to get recognised. tend to wear a cap when they're out if they don't want to get recognised. So if you're a celebrity who people expect to see in a cap, you're slightly, what you need to do maybe is not wear a cap. But honestly, having met several celebrities trying to keep a low profile at public events, the baseball cap or the sort of flat cap is the general choice. Oh, yeah.

So if Jurgen Klopp was to, say, go shopping in Liverpool, he would leave the baseball cap at home and perhaps just wear an Alice band? Yeah, I think that would... You know what? He'd wear what I call a greelish. Yeah. I'm repristining those two.

They're the greelish. I love a greelish. I mean, Jurgen Klopp is obviously a great football manager, but he's had the hair transplant, the whitened teeth, the fake tan, the glasses. You know, you can basically get him in kit form if you really want to be a Jurgen Klopp-alike. I've got to say, when I saw this picture of Ray Cornwall flash up,

I instantly knew it wasn't Jürgen. Did you? Because the teeth weren't... They weren't fake enough. Oh, well, I think they're Jürgen's teeth. They're just very, very white, aren't they? Well, they're veneers. Oh.

Are they? Yeah. Because he's my teeth spirit animal, so I'm... In order to get veneers you have to file down your existing teeth to points oh and then put

like caps oh really how do you know that I'm just writing this down I know a lot about it I haven't had them myself but I understand and you know

they look great in fairness no but I'm just saying you can't be in the same room as Graham Sooner so everybody has to wear

those glasses that you need to use to watch the eclipse. If they were walking down Wembley Way together people would be leaping out the way thinking it was a van

with headlights on. Look, I'd be happy with those teeth. I'm just saying they weren't Jürgen's teeth. I have to say I mock the teeth

whitened folk but sometimes I do look in the mirror and think, oh, my God, my teeth do look like they're from the Middle Ages. Well, you know, that's all right. I mean, Boris Johnson's got hair from the Middle Ages. We've all got... Yeah, he has, really. He could be in a Bruegel painting with his...

like spinning a top at a country fair. I said this week, that picture of him, when they flashed up that photo of him watching the football, I honestly swear this is true. I wasn't joking. The only other person I've ever seen with hair like that was in a book called Life in Medieval Britain. Oh, yeah.

It's a colour illustration. That's what he looks like. Yeah, that's what they want now. The medieval's all coming back. At last, soon the Anglo-Saxons will be back in fashion. I've got to say, I was thinking, I hope we get Denmark in the semi-final because I'd like to get my own back

for what the Vikings did to Lindisfarne in the 9th century. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. 926 has got in touch. Read Tycoons and Plutocrats. Oh yeah. My favourite has always been Magnate.

Oh, Magnate is good, yeah. However, this is usually reserved for shipping magnates. Yeah, that's true. E.g. Onassis. However, someone out there must be someone who owns a huge company and series of factories that manufacture magnets. I really hope he is known as a magnet magnate.

That's from Gazza the barrister in Belfast. I love a barrister called Gazza. I remember in Laurel and Hardy once... I wonder if he means barista. I remember in Laurel and Hardy once. What if he means barista? Well, he spelt it with two R's and an ER. Okay. And there's a bit where Oliver Hardy's getting married to this guy

who's a rich man and he describes him as a magnet. And he says to Stan Laurel, you know what a magnet is, don't you? And of course you all think he's going to think. And he says, sure, it's a thing that eats cheese. And I thought, see, he's taken the other step. We didn't see it coming. Oh, very, very fine.

And I liked about women from you. Okay. And 995, Fate, Jürgen, his giveaway is his accent. It sounded like he'd been modelled on a character from Hello, Hello. Oh, okay. Good morning. It was a bit, yeah. No, I never heard him speak.

It's great that this guy was fooled. We've all been... It reminds me of when I saw an audience with Rod Stewart. And Rod Stewart apparently is quite nearsighted and wouldn't wear spectacles or contact lenses. And he put all the celebs at the back because he wanted it to feel like a real gig. So a hand went up and he squints into the thing and said,

is that John Travolta? And he says, no, it's Bradley Walsh. Terrible look of disappointment on Rod's face. Not that Bradley Walsh isn't a good, but, you know, John Travolta. That was the terrible one when, as I said, Rod insisted on having all the public at the front and the celebs at the back. Oh, don't do that.

And he said, any questions? Any questions at all? Because all the celebs put their hands up with the questions they'd been given in the green room to ask him. But now he was going to determine to make this a real thing. And he said to a bloke in the front, yes, yes, mate, what's your question? And the bloke says,

why don't you make good albums again like you used to in the 70s? And the terrible thing is that Rod tried to answer it, which was awful. And then he didn't answer, he didn't ask another question for about an hour. And in the end, the producer, who was Nasty Nigel, if you remember, Nigel Lithgow,

now available on Cameo, he had to go on stage and make Rod ask some more questions. Oh, it was awful. I mean, I think of myself as a student of awkwardness and it was like doing an AMI. No. We've had a missive, a request from Tom Brandt. I don't know if he's any relation to the legendary photographer Bill Brandt.

Oh, I was thinking of the German Chancellor, Willi. Any Brandts you've got up your sleeve? Joe Brandt. He lives in, is it Briarley Hill? Briarley. Briarley Hill. It's spelt like Richard Briars, yes. Briarley Hill. Briarley. Briarley Hill. It's spelt like Richard Bryars, yes. Briarley Hill.

Anyway, this is what Thomas says. Hi, loving show. Can you please play Three Lions, please? As I missed it earlier, as football's coming home. My prediction, 2-0 England. Well, you know what? As football's coming home,

I think normally we'd say no but we're not gonna but we're not gonna play it again because i mean i like the fact can you play it as football's coming home i mean that's beautiful but there is one holy grail that hang hangs over absolute which which supplants all else it is of course the no repeat guarantee and if we break the no repeat guarantee we're all out of work i think i think absolute because it's in their official charter i think absolute has to close down and folds into a small suitcase and and we get enough people suggesting that you're playing your own song for the Moolah. What about the Royal Thieves song?

When you play it once, but if you play it twice in a three-hour show, I think there'll be a Stewards' Inquiry. What if I played it as football's coming home? You know, as football. Oh, man. I like the idea if you miss a bit of radio rather than just playing the song you wanted on a streaming service then you message them and demand it played again.

Yeah, exactly. No rewind. I don't know if you can rewind radio, can you? I think you should use the as football's coming home cite that clause with Kath. Make us a cup of tea, as football's coming home. I might open my cameo of tea as football's coming home I might open my cameo

stuff as football's coming home I thought I'd wish you were happy but oh no

oh no um okay we should and what else have we uh have we heard

you were asking for um you were asking earlier for celebrities that you see in in real life, but in a sort of accurate way.

Exactly as you'd want to see. Like I said, Chas and Dave in a pie and mash. Well, 658 has texted, Frank, Alex Higgins opened a nightclub near me in Bury back in the day. He turned up half cut, proceeded to get even more drunk and weed in a plastic plant pot. And then a little bit that I will just edit out. As you can imagine, we were made up as it turned out.

He was actually just as fun in person. Top man, Shelley from Haywood. Interestingly, as I recall, he got fined or banned or something at a major snooker tournament for urinating in a plant pot. Oh. So that was obviously his leitmotif. Oh, I see. What's wrong with the producer?

Is there a fire in the building? Can I just share this with you finally? My mother saw one of the experts from the Antiques Roadshow and asked for his autograph. He agreed, but said, don't tell anyone else as I'm trying not to be recognised. He was wearing an Antiques Roadshow baseball cap and sweatshirt. Back to Frank Skinner in the studio.

What I wanted that to be was I asked someone from the Antiques Roadshow for his autograph and he took out a quill from his pocket. I've no idea what the timing is now. There's a weird thing happened here and now we're all sixes and sevens. I think we've come to the end. Okay, well, look, the final episode of this series

of the Poetry Podcast will be out on Wednesday. You can download it wherever you usually get your podcasts. It's WH Auden as well which I know a lot of people excellent I really like are we going to be all right tonight Frank I um had a moment during the show today where I honestly thought we were going to win the whole damn thing no I'm not saying I've never had that before but in 96 there

was that we were heading in this trajectory and then my perfect summer was removed at the last minute. And you don't always get a second chance in life, but I honestly think... I think it's coming home.