The Frank Skinner Show - Lady Friend

Episode Date: November 14, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank revived a forty-five and has spotted some questionable signage at Absolute Radio. The team also discuss office jargon, pointless tech and Subbuteo.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. And this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. I find that really helps. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. It's all about interaction here on Absolute Radio. Yeah. You like it interactive.

Oh, I love a bit of interactivity. It's one of my favourite things. I, um... I'll tell you something. I, um... On our feed, on our Twitter feed... Oh, yeah. On our feed, on our Twitter feed, I slightly cheekily put an advert for my partner's new podcast. The first ever venture into podcasting.

And I thought I was going to put my partner has got a podcast. And then I thought, I say partner because at my age, girlfriend sounds a bit like Marie Chevalier in Gigi. Each time I see a little girl of five or six or seven. Starting the show with broad reference points as usual. No, I know what Frank means, because it suggests a sort of slightly loose lifestyle that would not be relevant to you. There's no silk dressing gown flapping about.

I used to have a line in my stand-up act, and I'm loathe to quote my stand-up act, but here goes, which said, hearing a man my age say, my girlfriend is like hearing a man my age say my girlfriend is like hearing a man my age say my skateboard. But I called her, I don't know, it felt right to call her girlfriend. And then I was thinking about, if I said woman friend, which, God bless her, would be more apt. Yeah.

Woman friend sounds dodgy, doesn't it? Yeah, it's mysterious, isn't it? Because it's not a phrase that we use. No. So you think,gy, doesn't it? Yeah, it's mysterious, isn't it? Because it's not a phrase that we use. No. So you think, well, what is that? If I was in a conversation and you said, my woman friend, I would then be spending quite a bit of the next few sentences trying to work out what that relationship was to you.

Well, exactly. And one that's even dodgier sounding is lady friend. Oh, sorry. Oh, his lady friend is coming. I can't quite recover from that. It's so horrible. I do miss, there was a man in it, I can't use his name. I'll give him a false name in case he's still around.

Let's call him Mr Shaw. Okay. And my mum always used to say, of course, I saw Mr Shaw today, poor devil, of course, she's got a fancy man. Oh.

And that was always there. I don't think people say fancy man anymore. No. That's gone. Anyway, she has got a podcast. Check that out. She has.

I was listening to it on my way here this morning, and can I say it's brilliant? Frank, you need to speak it up more, say the name of it. It's called I Wish I Was an Only Child, and it's all about siblings. Yeah. It better go well, otherwise my life will be a hell of a misery.

It's very funny, and it's brilliant. It's Cathy and her sister, Rachel Mason, we should say, go well. Endless misery. It's very funny and it's brilliant. It's Cathy and her sister, Rachel Mason, we should say as well. And feet Sandy Mason. Oh, yes. But if it goes badly, I shall be a bit like Ava Braun's life must have been in 1945. That's a nice comparison. You know what I mean?

They're frightened to say anything, switch the radio off when the news is coming on, all that stuff. So I tell you what I was doing this week. I revived a 45, as they used to say on... Do you remember when they used to say that? On Radio 1 when they played an old track, they'd say, let's revive a 45.

No? No. Well, I watched Batman with Michael Keaton. Oh, yeah. Oh, how was it? It went a long time. How was it? Very pointy lips, Keaton. Yeah, I'll tell you what I forgot about Keaton, which I remember talking about at the time when he came out,

was he's one of those blokes who's clearly going bald and he's slightly stacked his hair to cover it. You know that? Yeah. And that makes me so anxious. I'm all the time, I'm watching that. I'll tell you what it's like. You know when you're on the motorway

and you're driving behind a very, what looks like a badly secured lorry load. Oh, yes. And you're sort of waiting for it to come off the thing. Oh, it's tense, isn't it? I mean, it's supposed to be tense, obviously, Batman and all that. But for me, when the mask went on,

I said, oh, I can relax. Thank God the mask's gone on. Frank, before we crack on, I'd just like to share a brief outside world, just so they know, you know, we're listening. Deep Fat Friar has been in touch. Oh, yeah? Deeper. I don't know his real name. deep fat fryer has been in touch oh yeah do you think he's quite quite a big bloke but a very very profound thinker i think she oh okay um has well i respect respectamundo could be a monk

could be a big big a very introspective monk. How are you spelling Friar? I see no tuck here. I had an IEM for the first time in ages. I saw crook lock written down. Can I just say, an IEM is an idiotic eureka moment when you realise something that everyone else has already realised and it just dawns on you much later. I saw crook lock written down and it suddenly dawned on me much later. I saw crook lock written down and it suddenly dawned on me

they're locks for crooks. When I told my boyfriend, he looked at me with an expression of sadness knowing this was a deciding moment and it's not going to work out. Oh, no, I've had a few of those. The flash frame, as I like to call it. When they say something like,

who is David Cameron? I remember that was one. No, what about my one? She's really zanny. Oh, come on, mate. You're out of here. One of mine was a really nice woman, but she referred to Nick Hornby's Fever pitch as a novel

of course it's non-fiction that was that good to have a rule though isn't it it's a movable feast but you just, no you can't do anything about it, it sounds callous but it just happens, you feel a tightening in the chest and it's over

I mean I suppose it can work the other way like on the first day that my wife and i had when um we got very drunk and she pointed at something in a window and cracked her head off it and i thought you're great off the window yeah she she went like that and just smashed her forehead against the window and i thought it's a lot she's fun it's long well you liked her sort of skinhead escapes tendency. It was accidental. It sounds like Mickey Rourke and Faye Donaway in Barfly.

I haven't seen it, but I'll make an oaks. They're drunks, basically. I have. It's not a compliment. I love that film. There's still stuff I remember from that film. There's a bit where she chews. We've all had this. He's basically Charles Bukowski,

so he's a drunk, but he's a very bright bloke. And she chooses this sort of better-looking guy. I think he's called Eddie. I can't remember now. But she said, look, it's over. I'm seeing Eddie. And Eddie's like a bit more obvious macho. And he goes, oh, not Eddie with his obviousness

and his unoriginal macho energy. Oh, I love it. Made me feel so much better about myself, generally. And Michael Keaton, this is something I'd completely forgotten. Michael Keaton's Batman. He wears... You know that stuff... Is it called kosh or something like that?

It's like black eyeshadow. Mascara. Coal. Oh, okay. You guys, coal? Yeah. So his eye holes on his Batman mask are a bit on the big side. So he's gone round his eyes with coal.

K-O-A-C-H, is that how you spell it? Correct, yeah. Oh, really? Helmet. And I thought one of the great things that you need to develop as a superhero is the sort of quick change thing. Yeah, you can't be... You've got to be up an alleyway and then come out in full costume.

You can't be Batman, the city horse on fire. I'm just, hold on, I'm just in my eyes. Just get my eyes right. Also, with all that technology at his disposal, get a mask that has circles around your eyes in the exact dimensions. I bet. Listen, you don't want Batman to be late to the burning building because he couldn't prise the Rimmel mascara out of it.

That's my compact. You know when you see women sometimes in traffic jams doing their make-up in the rear view mirror? You see Batman in the Batmobile doing his eyes on the way there. Oh, God, where's the top of the brush? We've had an email entitled Emily Dean. I'm going to read it to you right now. I mean, I couldn't, but I'll go on.

Last night I watched a play for today called Don't Be Silly from 1979 that was on BBC4 recently. Very harrowing, controversial, disturbing, but worth watching. Made over 40 years ago, but if it was made today, it would still seem relevant and realistic. It really hasn't aged. This is from Will Gompertz. It's good, isn't it?

And in the credits, the young daughter was played by none other than Emily Dean. Amazed she didn't even get a BAFTA nomination for that back then or a Lifetime Achievement now. Can I say, that's the only time I ever had a response to my play for today outing in the form of football cheer. My parents' friends did that

for some reason. It's been on but it'll be on It's currently on iPlayer. One of our readers drew my attention to it because I think they're having a play for today at Anniversary. Yes, we've got it on

Series Record, actually. It's a lot of gritty northernness. You'd love it, Al. Yeah, it sounds like it's up my street. Not much northernness in my play. No.

It's very... I'm not annoying. Look out for that one. Oh, is that a spoiler? That might be. One of my lines of dialogue. No, isn't it fabulous that your play for today is on iPlayer? Yeah.

Wonderful. I don't think I've got anything on iPlayer. Mine's dribbled out the plug hole. Am I the only one? I think so. Oh, lovely. That's probably likely. What about that sign? What's it called again? I'm keen the plug hole. Am I the only one? I think so. Oh, lovely. That's probably likely. What about that sign?

What's it called again? I'm keen to plug it. This is one of the most retro plugs ever. It's called Don't Be Silly. Don't Be Silly. Don't Be Silly. I hope I do. Don't Be Silly.

BBC for iPlayer. I think it's up there for a month. This is a shout specifically going out to Mark Gatiss because I know he's a big Play For Today fan particularly bad child acting well I, a weird thing is that there used to be

Armchair Theatre, Play For Today, the Wednesday play television was full of prime time really gritty drama, I mean there was other kinds of drama but mainly it was really social, common

and me and my mum and dad just used to sit and watch it every night, like people now watch Britain's Got Talent at the end of it my dad would say it was a funny ending, more or less every time, but we watched it. That's the great thing about having no choice.

Yeah. I had Len Goodman on Room 101 many years ago and he put choice into Room 101 and I thought it was ridiculous, but now I see what he meant. Yeah. All I asked for was a bit of toast and some coffee. I don't want to know if it's sourdough or bread. Yeah, yeah.

Well, this is what Chef Ramsay is, I believe they call him. Oh, Chef Ramsay. Chef Ramsay. Chef Ramsay always says about restaurants, isn't it? Yes. That that's the sign of a bad restaurant. If he walks in and sees at the main menu there's too many dishes, that's the first

thing that has to go. Keep it simple. Yeah, I don't like you know when you go and see, sometimes I think the Chinese restaurants are a classic example. It's like a book. You actually get a book to read. Goodness me. The other thing example it's like a book you actually get a book to read goodness me the other thing

about Michael Keaton oh yeah because I've started watching the second one now Batman Returns it's very much in my I was thinking if he was unmasked in it

the hair would have the tower of hair would have been, like a dry stone wall would have come down with the weight of the rubber cowl. And that would have been terrible. No one would have cared it was Bruce Lee. Oh, Bruce Lee. No, give that a zhoosh, mate. I'm going to come back with,

I'm going to ask a question of Alan Cochran when we get back. Something I read which confused me, but I think he might know the answer. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So here's my question. I was reading, I've had a very Batman-y week. I was reading about the new The Batman movie.

Is that what it's called? Yeah. Because The Batman, when Batman first started in the comics, he was called The Batman. Right. And then he dropped the The. A bit like carpenters. Oh, yeah.

They're just carpenters. They're not the carpenters. But I think Eurythmics can be both, can't they? Can they? Or maybe it's just Eurythmics. I think one of the great challenges for the older radio presenters is to know when to thee and when not to thee on a band name. Anyway, I was reading Robert Pattinson is playing Batman in the new movie.

Oh, is he now? I'm a bit worried about his jawline. Because Michael Keaton's jawline is a bit like mine. It's not a Batman jawline. Right. Do you know what? I think he's all right, Robert Pattinson. I mean, you know.

Anyway, Arpat is... I read a thing about him saying he thought he wouldn't really work out for the Batman role. Did you believe that? No. Or at least I hoped that it wasn't true. Well, I wish it would be true. I'd like the idea of Batman being a bit paunchy.

I'd like him being, yeah, with a sort of Sports Direct bag and a bit out of shape. But he said, all I'm doing, he said, they gave me a personal trainer. He said, and all I'm doing, all he gave me was a Bosu ball. And I've been in my hotel room with that. What's wrong? And I thought, what on earth? That sounds like something you'd have with dumplings.

Do you know what it is? I do know what it is, yes. I knew it. Knew it. It's just one of those big exercise balls. I think it's often called a Swiss ball as well. What, those big rubber ones? Yeah.

That's what he's doing to line up for Batman. Apparently. I mean, that's not going to be enough. If he was playing number six in The Prisoner, that would have been ideal practice. If you remember, they used to be pursued by this giant boss that came from the sea. I believe it was called Rover.

Oh, yes, that's correct. Oh, OK, so he's got one of those. I'm surprised. I don't know what he would be doing with it that would make him, like, Batman level of fit, if that makes any sense. I'd sure like to find out. Yeah?

I remember a man, there's a man I used to see regularly at football. Do you remember? Have I told this before? He was a very big man indeed. Very big man. And he'd been going to the gym to try and, you know, make things better.

And he said to me, I had a horrible thing this week. I was on one of those exercise balls and it burst. He said they don't, you know. He said they should make sure they're all right and that before. And I just I mean, what can you say? I mean, that is

like the world's strongest man. When I was in Malta with them all and they broke everything. They sat on the toilet seat. Can I just say, I've just received a cretione. Go on. I'm still not entirely convinced. 682 has said no.

Bursu ball is a half ball with a platform. Half ball with a platform. Do you know what that means? I think he's thinking of Saturn. Almost like a disc on top of a half sphere. I'm very pleased with my shot selection on language there. And do you stand on it to balance?

I think you can stand on it, you can probably do push-ups on it, you might be able to squat on it and that sort of thing. If you had the dexterity and the range of motion, the R.O.M. Well, we'll see how that turns out. I imagine that'll be also mega delayed

as all films are nowadays have we had any more outside world activity? didn't we hear something? we've had a missive oh I just got to an interesting bit and of course the producer decides we're talking too much oh here we go the feathers come out

can you believe that? people don't tune into this show for the music. Oh, God. Top of the pops, there's nine episodes on BBC4 every night. That's my advice. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio.

Hey, you've lit up the switchboard with your mention of Bursu balls. You have, with your phony info. I got it wrong. Don't fall out, guys. And Tuppence, a regular correspondent, got it right. She pointed out that it's a half ball that you stand on

and do exercises on top. And also, 541 has said, is a Bursu ball what Subutio players stand on? It's a similar looking thing, though, isn't it? Very much so. But I've got a good bit of info from Liz, who's emailed saying, Bursu stands for both sides up.

You can have either a ball side down and stand on the flat bit, or the other way, which I suppose is like a bouncy... Like the upside-down world in Stranger Things. Yeah, I guess so. OK. Yeah, Ultra Magnus confirms the BOSU ball is half a Swiss ball.

There's a flat base you can use for balance and the half is in caps. Ah. OK? Subutia, of course, of course is an obsolete game because the way the players stand with their arms slightly away from their bodies would be a handball

every time it goes to them in VAR so if you've got just bin it done done good oh yes we were telling us we've had a Just bin it. Yeah. Done. Done. Good.

Oh, yes, you were telling us we've had a missive from... We've had a missive? A very special lady. Shall we say that? No, not if you don't want to sound like you're one of the Miss World judges. Oh, God. Eric Morley. Well, he was never a judge, was he? Oh, he was a judge, but he never introduced...

It was the guys who introduced them. And he used to ask, like, really... You all turn around, girls. Oh, my goodness. Different times. So, this is from a very special lady. This is from a friend of the show, contributor to the show,

Angela Barnes. Fabulous Angela says... I've worked with Angela in the past. Oh, I've worked with Angela. Tremendous work. Oh yeah, Barnsy. I love a bit of Barnsy. Barnsy says Hello, I hope you're keeping well

in these lockdown mad times. I'm just catching up with last week's podcast and the white christmas surname story quick recap over to our recap correspondent frank skinner a quick recap was a lady called little lily tilly christmas married a guy called white and they then realized that that that hyphenation led to White Christmas. Exactly. Angela continues,

I thought you might like to know that next year I'm marrying my fiancé. I love that Barnsey's gone fiancé. My fiancé, Matt Wooden. We can't go double-barrelled as we'd be Wooden Barnes. But it couldn't be. As opposed to those top fiberglass ones, you get. And of course, Matt Wooden, thanks for the tip. Oh, Matt Wooden.

It's a regular occurrence in our house. Love to you all. Oh, thank you, Angela. Yeah, wooden bombs I quite like, though. No, but people would. Also, it sounds like... People would. It sounds a bit like an old musical act as well, doesn't it? Wooden barn.

It could go barns wooden, but that sounds a bit like a character in Dallas. That sounds like wooden should be in parentheses, and it's in a list of outside structures sale. Brochure. You know those brochures with the sales of outside structures?. Brochure. You know those brochures with the sales of outside structures? Sounds like that. Oh, it used to just be the rich, of course,

that had hyphenated names. They must be angry now, seeing the hyper-lawyer using hyphenated. Well, they've gone for the singular now. You can imagine. Or Boris. Not even a surname. They get rid of the de now. You can imagine, though, can't you? Not even a certain... They get rid of the de-feffle and all that

because they think, oh, everyone's got the double barrel. But imagine some country man in there where a bloke's going, well, first it was Burberry, and now Hyphenation. Get back! This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Hold it. Good, good morning. Good, it. Good, good morning. Good, good, good, good morning.

Good, good, good morning to you. I love that. So traditional. I love it. Very Radio Caroline. Yeah, it's got that feel to it, hasn't it? Makes me feel a little bit like i've got mal de may oh yeah you've been um congratulated on an earlier subutio reference that you did uh by texter 538 who says

great subutio reference frank and then continues i had subutio cricket and when i eventually stopped playing the game i used the scoreboard as a desk calendar. Those were the days. This is news just into me. I didn't realise there was such a thing as Subuteo cricket. Yes. And I mean, I think the great cricket game was How's That? Oh, right, yeah. Which was one, if I recall it,

is the bowler's arm would come up and you would roll. Oh no, this might be Subuteo cricket I'm thinking of. The bowler's arm would come up and you would roll. Oh no, this might be Subuteo cricket I'm thinking of. The bowler's arm would come up and there was like a flume. A flume running from the raised hand and you would roll a ball bearing down it and it would go off towards the batsman. My first thought when I saw Subuteo cricket

was what a silly idea. And then I thought, well actually Subuteo football is a silly idea. It's a terrible game, Subuteo cricket was sort of, what a silly idea. And then I thought, well, actually, Subuteo football's a silly idea. It's a terrible game, Subuteo. Goodness me. Never liked it. One of our many late reviews on this show. Never, ever liked it.

Don't encourage children to flick. Yeah? It always ends up badly. That's one of your famous sayings, isn't it? Don't encourage children to flick. Haven't you got that carved in wood in your house? I like the idea that the German champion of sub-Eutia might be known as Hair Flick.

What else? Well, we were discussing... No, but what else? Come now, ask the note house to tell me. Do you know what? You've really missed your calling. I think the next job you should ask for on air is a Dickens adaptation.

Oh, yeah. Don't you think he'd be a brilliant... I've got the face for it now. And, of course, the teeth, the Victorian teeth. I couldn't possibly comment. You'd be a great Thomas Gradgrind. I don't remember who that

one was. I think it was Hard Times, wasn't he? Or Murdstone. I don't know that one, but they're all good names. They're good names. Can we discuss the signage issue? Oh yes. I raised it with Can we discuss the signage issue? Oh, yes. I raised it with you this morning, didn't I?

You did. Emily came in and said, do you know that they've got a sign up in Absolute that says you don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps? A sign I haven't seen for many a year and off. I was surprised by it. In these times, it doesn't seem as sensitive as it might, but I think it's i think it's knowing isn't it yes i suspect it's a sort of ironic yeah revival and i was we were um talking

about whether it's when when a slogan or something of that a joke i suppose yeah a verbal joke like that gets to a point where it sort of has a second life in irony i mean for example i couldn't now wear a t-shirt that says calm down and carry on because it's not ready no it's not ready for a second life it's still right awful thing to have it's still unacceptable and yeah especially what about uh Calm and Drink Prosecco? Oh! Oh! Anything Prosecco.

Yeah, well, the other... Because the development of Keep Calm and Carry On is worse than Keep Calm and Carry On. Maybe wearing Keep Calm and Carry On is OK now because it's going back to the source. It's the OG, yeah. The only one I ever saw that really impressed me was a Welsh rugby fan that had Keep Calm and Barry John.

Barry John was a famous Welsh rugby player. And I thought, well, that's actually quite good because that fits so sweetly. Well, David, Keep Calm and Elton John would work because he struggles to keep calm. Oh, yes. If I was David Furnish, I'd wear that. I said I think that I would be prepared to have on my car now my other car's a Porsche.

I think that has reached the stage. I would worry about that, though, because you could have another car that's a Porsche. I think you're meant to have that sticker on a bad car. My car's eight years old. It's not that nice. Sorry, Frank. It's not that nice. I know there's water pouring in.

No, it is nice, but I know what you mean. It's not sort of Ferrari. He's got a water ingress problem. It's not Simon Cowell type of car. No, it's diesel as well, actually. What about my car kills? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about my car kills? You've had something of a friendly Craccioni, I would say here, Frank.

191 has said, Frank, the cricket game was test match. Loved it with the bowler's arm and the batsman had a string pulled back for the bat. The ball bearing rolled by the bowler could be hit by batsman and fought between the strategically placed fielders. Kev from Norbury. I used to live in Norbury. Shout out to the Norbury Massive, yeah? OK. And if it went in between, there was like a little...

I've never done that before. I like the Norbury Massive. Not going to lie. I once heard one of my favourite things I ever heard on the radio was a big shout-out to the archway painter. And I thought that was a painter and decorator. My sister had to point out that was a graffiti artist. That's how they're referred to.

Oh, really? Yes. I thought, oh, that'd be nice. You can come and do my masonry. Go to the foot of Astin. The archway painter. I didn't at that. Alan Del Monte.

No. No. No. No. How about having my other car's Porsche sticker on your Porsche? Oh, yeah. I'm sure someone... Where do you stand on that?

Well, I wouldn't... I mean, I'm sure they're beautiful cars, but I would feel foolish getting into a Porsche. Why? Just because. Self-conscious. I'm pretty intelligent. And I'm sure someone with a Porsche has done that.

Would you say? I would say. A Porsche is a tad cigar aficionado for you. I think it is. Also, I think I'm slightly put off by that image of James Dean ploughing into a

truck in his Porsche Spyder. If Porsche are listening and they were considering giving us a car, then don't take this too badly. God bless you, If Porsche are listening and they were considering giving us a car, then don't take this too badly. No, no. I mean, God bless you, Porsche, but you can stick your car. If there's any Porsche drivers listening again, you know,

I'm sorry if there were things that weren't great in your childhood. I know at least one. My prediction is there won't be any Porsche drivers listening to this. Why? It's too avant-garde. I don't think so. Berlin? Avant-garde.

Welcome. Bienvenue. Welcome. Ladies. Anyway. Okay. We diddy, diddy. New ladies. Anyway. Okay. We've all had a drink.

Can I ask you a question? I haven't seen the papers today. Is the headline Comings and Goings for the Dominic Cummings story? It's got to be, hasn't it? I think it's going to be something like Cummings is going, which isn't as elegant as...

I'll tell you what... But that's what it will be. I'll tell you what was big on the old Twitter was... I don't know how many people did this, but it was a lot. People saying, oh, have you seen the new John Lewis ad? It's a bit disappointing this year. And then an image of Dominic Cummings with the office box. With the box, yeah.

The box. Iconic cardboard box, isn't it? So iconic when someone's cleared their desk, that cardboard box walkout thing. It's so American movie, I can't believe he did it. It's Lehman Brothers, it's Dominic Cummings, it's everywhere. What if it's got the nuclear button in it? You know when you always steal stuff when you have to leave work?

I think it's just got 50 bottles of Tippex and the nuclear button. What I'm worried, yeah, but they're piled on top of the nuclear button. I'll tell you what I bet it's got. I'll tell you what, phone in. No, the text in, this morning's text in. What's in Dominic Cummings' box? You know what's definitely in there? What?

You don't have to be... to work here, but it helps. I think... I'll tell you what could be in there. What? A slightly entangled Newton's cradle from his desk. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I want to talk now, because we've been talking about the office signs.

For example, the one in Absolute Radio. My particular, I'm also very conscious, if I see one, I've seen this before, I think, which is sort of danger, a danger sign and then an arrow pointing down and then it says decaffeinated colleague. Oh. Something like that.

Oh, I don't like that. How do you feel about baby on board? Oh, I'm all right with those. Okay. I see them sometimes and I crane and stretch and rob a neck and can see

no baby. Oh yeah. What about babe on board? I've seen that. Have you seen that? If I forced that car off

the road and then said well I assume by deduction that they had a baby in the boot. Yeah that would

be bad. Would I get away with that they had a baby in the boot. Yeah, that would be bad. Would I get away with that legally? Any legal experts, 8, 12, 15. What about if you can read this, you're too damn close. What about when ladies wear that on their T-shirt? Oh, is that a thing? Yes. I've never read that.

You're a good boy, Norris Frank. Okay, I'm going to end the what about that on a caution hangover in progress oh come on Frank don't blame me I haven't had one in progress for a long time so while we're on the work

work speak subject I want to draw both of your attention to a survey that was out this week a mobile phone company I'm not being coy about mentioning them

I just haven't heard of this particular one let's not mention them ok let's not that's what they want these people you tell them they've done a survey

and it's all about office jargon oh yeah I think they've called it, referred to as jargon, they've created a jargonary, like a dictionary filled with jargon. It's not, that's a very rubbish piece of jargon if you don't mind me saying. The best jargon sounds quite like, like if I, I am a big fan of jargon personally. I really like it. I just like new words. Often I find them really satisfying when they're

cleverly put together. And if I said I'm a kind of a jargonaut, at least that sounds like... Yeah. Whereas jargonary doesn't sound like dictionary at all.

We're all on the same page. Pictionary sounds a lot like dictionary. That's good. Pictionary. Doesn't sound like dictionary at all. No, good. No, we're all on the same page. Pictionary sounds a lot like dictionary. That's good. Pictionary, excellent. You know what you're going to get with the game Pictionary, don't you? But I say, if you're going to mock other people's use of language, clean up your own backyard. Which is quite jargony in its own right, which I love.

It's also an Elvis song. Oh, is it? Mm-hmm. So the list includes phrases. There's phrases like touch base. Yeah. Both of you use that? I think I probably do use that, yeah.

I'll tell you something. I don't think I use it, but I think David Baddiel's mum, God bless her, no longer with us, she's the first person I ever heard use the term touch base, and I bet you that was 20 years ago. Really? Ahead of the game. Yeah.

Is there a head of the game one? Probably. There's a lot of... There's a lot of baseball. Yeah. You're right. There really is. There's playing hardball,ball touch base a curveball yeah

a spitball they use that as well now don't they yeah is it people trying to be cool using americanisms because they sound a bit cooler well they might have come over from i guess they come from america but maybe people don't know the baseball. I mean, the spitball. I don't know if you're aware of the spitball. No, I'm not. I'd like to explain. Well, I'll tell you what's got an interesting history. I know you're... Gather round the far side.

You know, in cricket, if anyone puts anything on the ball... Tampering. Yeah. That is... Naughty. Yeah. Well, in baseball they used to do it with spit

or sometimes with you know their hair gel or you know whatever and that was a spitball

but it was it was made illegal but there's there's a fabulous coda to this banning of spitball,

which I'll be back with after this. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Can I just point out, Rachel at Copy Girl has been in touch to congratulate Kath and Rachel on their podcast. Hashtag wish I was an only child. What a treat. Oh, that's good. I can't believe

I've become some messenger for my partner. Get used to it. And also you dismissed Porsche drivers and said that it was very unlikely that we would have any listening. I disagreed because I think people have got debts and we shouldn't

judge them just on one spending decision that they made. No, you're right. 654 has proved a point. 654 has come in. Not only do I have a Porsche, but I have a T-shirt that says, I love it when my wife lets me drive my Porsche. Sorry. Wowee.

That makes me happy, though, that sort of upfrontness about it. Fair play. Yes, he's self-aware and, you know, you can go a long way in life. You really can. That time I saw Peter Stringfellow on daytime television. Oh, yeah. And someone asked him how he managed being married to an 18-year-old girl. He said, what do you find to talk about?

And he said, oh, well, I'm lucky there, because I am very shallow. See? And so I don't need... And he didn't even make it as a big thing. It was on the way to the point he was making. But I thought, you know what, I respect you. Respect.

No longer with us. You've also mentioned songs that include the name of the band in the name of the song Yeah, yes Iron Maiden by Iron Maiden, classic I didn't know there was a song called Iron Maiden by Iron Maiden I don't think they did I mean, come on

What about We Call It Madness by Madness? Oh, is that one? Yeah Oh, yes Living in a Box by Living in a Box That's a great song, do you remember that? Really good song Is that Dominic Cummings?

No, I don't remember Living in a Box. Living. I thought it might have gone a bit like that. Was it followed by In a Box? No, it said I'm living in a cardboard box. Really? Yeah. Sounds a bit social comment.

Yeah. The Selector by The Selector. Really? Yeah. Sounds social comment. Yeah. The selector by the selector. Oh, yes. I saw them live. Did you? You've seen them all or you've worked with them all, haven't you? Yes, seen them all. They were huge.

So, meanwhile, over in the office jargon world. Father, the men, they're coming up the drive. So, thou would turn against me, Ned Leather. So, anyway, that was a bit from Billy Lyre. Thou'd turn against me, Ned Leather. That's the name of the sort of workers' leader. Ned Leather. Fantastic.

Sorry, I'm... Do we get angered by the jargon? Because that seems to be a thing that comes up. I genuinely like it. It's just new. It's inventive new language. Well, I know we don't talk about the comments on news stories because it's so done to death,

but there's a lot of anger about people reaching out. I mean, a lot. A lot of people say, I hate it when a colleague says, can you reach out to so-and-so? And maybe it's because I'm six foot three and I've spent a lot of my life doing people the favour of reaching out. People are always saying, Alan, can you get that down for me?

And I reach out and I get it. And then it makes me feel good to reach out. I would find you very useful for that. What about if you were a goalkeeping coach and you couldn't use that? Exactly. I wish people would think before they speak. Or a boxer. I mean, without your reach, you're nothing.

Good shout, that. What is your reach? Do you know, I was once told I had an impressive reach. Oh, when you boxed. Yes. Was it low-hanging fruit? Can I tell you what I don't like?

You can, but it'll have to be after this break. Coming up soon, what Emily doesn't like. That should get us through the rest of the show. Hey, we've had some interesting music news texted to us. You know, you were discussing songs that feature the name of the band in the song title. 820, I found this interesting. Maybe you guys know it.

Frank, Motorhead by Motorhead is actually a cover of Motorhead by Hawkwind written by Lemmy of Hawkwind before he became Lemmy of Motorhead. That is good. I like that. That's why 82 was on the big box there. I like it when we do music talk. We pay the most interest in textings, don't we? But he must have loved that term, Motorhead. Yeah.

So he wrote a song about it, then when he got a band, he thought, I'm going for it. Oh. What a guy. And you were about to tell us what you didn't like, and Frank was about to tell us about spitballs. Can I take this? I believe. Hang on.

Okay. This is the thing, is that there were some pitchers in baseball who used this spitball, this illegal delivery, and then it was completely outlawed. But these guys, it's probably about, I don't know, 15 of them, said, but this is our career.

We've made our career from spitballing. And they said, well, okay, then what we'll do, and this is another piece of joke I've never heard in any other context, but I can see it works. We'll grandfather you in. Oh, yeah. Have you heard of that?

I've heard of grandfathering. So if a rule is invented, but you were doing whatever you were doing before the rule, you're allowed to carry on. Yeah, yeah. So these guys were given a special dispensation and allowed to spitball until they retired. And when the last one retired,

that was the end of the spitball. Yeah. Can you imagine the FA being that inventive and broad-minded? Never in a thousand years. There's something lovely and poetic about the grandfather you're in. I don't know, I enjoy that enormously.

I like it. Yeah. What I don't like... Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Which we were going to address... This is a big one. Should we gather round?

Well, all right, Captain. I know it's maybe some time. I hate a couple of things. Annual leave in an email. Oh, really? I hate a couple of things annual leave in an email I know this is slightly different but still it's only a thing you hear in an office context isn't it

I'm currently on annual leave when you get that email back from someone now stop acting like you're some Arman in Havana you're not some ambassador you're just having a week Havana, you know, you're not some ambassador. You're just having a week off.

Why can't you say that? You're in your jogging bottoms in centre parks, mate. Exactly. It's quite military. Now I stop to think about it. I am on annual leave. Who do you think you are? Are you on holiday? What about I am currently 0-0-0?

Oh, I don't know. Out of office. That's good. I've never seen 0-0-0. I am currently 0-0-0. Oh, I don't know. Out of office. That's good. I've never seen O-O-O. I am currently O-O-O. Yeah, Frank Spencer sends that one a lot. I'm currently O-O-O. It could be, or Celtic fans.

When you hear the history, it's enough to make your heart go, whoa. Yeah, okay. Why are you looking at me like that, all confused and frightened? I don't like I am who. I am who is... Have you not seen that? I've never seen I am who. Can I be honest? I think you're kept quite... I think maybe your personal assistant gets annually emails.

You don't have to deal with these things. I would say I get eight emails a week on average. How many does that poor woman get? Probably about five texts. Right. Do you? Really. I must have thought this before.

I did a programme called The Bobble, and you go, oh, that's a pioneering thing, come to think of it. And you're hidden away, three celebrities, ha-ha, in a house, and you're not allowed your phone, telly, news or anything. And they take your phones away. And at the end of it, they gave me my phone back and I'd had three emails and two texts in three days. All the rest had had calls from their

Hollywood agents. And this was when I was in my prime. I just, I don't like the contact thing. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. It's really good when you do that. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio.

Also good. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Bad. Not really. We were discussing office jargon earlier and just things that people say but I think there's some, there's not really a lot in the life of a comedian

that's office jargony. Like jokes don't lend themselves to that many phrases, but there is one. You know when people do asking for a friend jokes, like, is six mince pies too many to eat on a train journey? Asking for a friend. Oh, yeah. I always want to, not that I'm on Twitter,

but whenever I see that being done, I always want to say, I'll be your friend. And just ignore the first part and just go with them asking for a friend as if they're asking for a friend. Yeah, I would do that if friendship was one of my things. Yeah, I wouldn't do it really. IRL. I don't really want a friend. IRL in real life. There's a good one.

Yeah, people do a lot of those, the three-letter acronyms, aren't they? T-L-A's. I'm just looking at the ones listed as winding people up. Thinking outside the box is one that people don't like. It's all gone a bit DC.

Isn't that a chapter in Dracula? And people don't like get your ducks in a row. They don't like that. I wouldn't have known what that meant until I saw this article. Yeah. I love ducks in a row. Do you? Yes.

Do you use it? Yes. Do you? All the time. It's one of my favourites. Is it to do with fairground marksmanship? Lovely turn of phrase. I like

marksmanship there. I've got to be honest, I've never really thought about it in those terms. Get your ducks in a row and then shoot them. That's what it should be in its full context. Frank, you're right, that is what it's to do with. My problem is I thought it was geese. I misheard it. So people have said to me, get your ducks in a row and I've said, I thought it was geese. I misheard it. So people have said to me, get you ducks in a row.

And I've said, I thought, oh, God, I've got to mean V formation. I've got to do a complete rearrangement for a different. I don't know why people get angry about it. Isn't it just new and inventive use of language? Well, except when you, I think sometimes the euphemisms, euphemisms concern me. The sort of core euphemisms. So, for example, someone being described as not very client-facing. Oh.

But that's really good. Does that mean they've got a horrible temper, is that? No, it means you don't, I've got to be honest, none of us three are client-facing. But you know we are. Because we're slight oddballs. You know we're on the radio now, in fact. Yeah, but exactly. There you go, mate.

We're on the radio. Think about it. We're not client facing. But I think that's a brilliant term. I'm not very client facing. It means that, yeah. What would you understand by that? Well, I think it's the person that you don't want to be out on reception.

Quite. You want them, they're great, but you want them in an office at the back. They're the mavericks, the free spirits. Well, you're not really the face of the company type. You know when you walk into a reception, there's a person behind reception, they sort of light up as if you turning up is great news. Yeah. Makes a big difference, I think.

But of course I wouldn't be doing that. No, you're not very client-facing, Frank. I told you, I did a TV show where the producer gave the AP, actually it was the series producer talking to the producer, and he said he gave him a bit of a pep talk he said look, I've got a I need to readjust this and I'm finding

myself on the front line a bit, he said and that's not my, that's not me, I'm the executive producer he said you're on the front line with the troops I'm above the action in a helicopter looking down and then he said, I're on the front line with the troops. I'm above the action in a helicopter looking down. And then he said, I'll tell you what, let's call it a telecopter.

He did. In a moment, I've just thought of something brilliant. You know that look that comes on someone's face? That's what I'm not so keen on. It's not office jargon, but I occasionally get annoyed by packaging language when you buy food or clothing, and it has...

I mean, I'll give you an example. I bought six mince pies last night and there was a sticker on the box saying vegan friendly. Well, I mean, they're inanimate, aren't they? They're six mince pies. They're not friendly or not friendly. You mean vegan suitable. I like friendly.

Why not suitable for vegans? All right, well, that's more words. What about that? We've had a great one from Faye. Oh, yes. Our colleague, our esteemed colleague. Yes. She was talking about the office job,

and she just poked her head round the door, and in a little moment of inspiration, she said, nice to e-meet you. Oh, yeah. Something she doesn't like. I'm in for it. I cannot bear nice to e-meet you. Oh, yeah. Something she doesn't like. I'm in fact, I cannot bear

nice to e-meet you. Again, I had one of those recently and I liked it. You're such a contrarian. Well, that's what it is, Al. You are a contrarian. I can't help liking it

if I like it. The more you say you're not, you see what's happening there. When you say you're not a contrarian. You could say contrarian was jargon. It's exactly what a contrarian would say. You're using an adjective as a noun.

I use stay in radio contact not just for like us who are on the radio, I mean like friendships like if I'm speaking to my mate Graham I'll say

keep me in the loop stay in radio contact and then I go inside and realise I'm just full of cliches no but I think that's Frank what about it's good

do you want to ping me over an email come on ping me yeah I associate ping so much with the microwave that confuses me yeah I associate ping so much with the microwave that confuses me

yeah I think we should try and invent if anyone listening to this has got an idea for a completely new piece of jargon let's try and get one into the language I'll tell you what I've caused and that went down well that doesn't make me sick every time I hear it I don't know if the language. I'll tell you what I've caused then. That went down well. That doesn't make me sick every time I hear it.

I don't know if it'll be that good. I was thinking of if you've rethought something. So let's say you've split up with someone, you've ended a relationship, and then you phone them, say, two or three days later and say, look, I know it's um difficult calling you and i know what i said and i know i said it wasn't working but i've had a chance you know now and i've gone to var and i'm thinking that i'd like to try again oh yeah and i i like i like

the feel of that yeah imagine going into a fish and chips. I can have a fish and chips. Oh, no. I've gone to VAR. Pie and chips. Oh, yes. So VAR introduced into the lexicon as a little rethink. I like that.

I'm in, Frank. Good shout. You know one that I thought was going to stay around and it came and went was some unexpected item in the bagging area. It was massive for ages. On the comedy circuit. Comedy circuit.

All the time. Oh, really? You know, in the supermarkets, but now they've tuned all the machines up and they now expect items in the bagging area on those gadgets. So they no longer say it. What if Boris Johnson speaks tonight and said,

look, yes, I did value Dominic Cummings a lot, but I've gone to VAR. You'll see. That's how quick they'd catch on. It would be tremendous work. I'd have so much respect if he did that. Do you ever say he traps pretty fast? I remember my brother used to say that.

Is that a greyhound racing thing? It's a greyhound racing term, but it means somebody who's, you know, quick on it. No, I didn't pick that up when I used to go to the greyhounds. He used to say, I remember, if anyone... Oh, for God's sake. If anyone you knew would definitely be in the pub,

no matter how early you got to the pub, they'd already be there. He'd say, oh, yeah, he traps pretty fast. I tell a lie. A lovely editor I work for, now a very good friend of mine, actually, one of my nicest bosses ever, but she did say to me once,

it was the one time when she got a bit shirty with me, hadn't done my job well, and she was right. You know those things you get furious about at the time, and years later you realise the person was right you know those things you get furious about at the time and years later you realize the person was right no well you've gone to var oh my god frank i'm using this all the time now i went to var and you can use footballer's tense i've looked back on my behavior i've gone to var i she said to me I just feel you're a bit late out of the traps with this one

see they're basically the same thing just that we've sort of cheapened it to ground in the West Midlands we're probably whippy probably whippy Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio wippy frank skinner on absolute radio we've had a new suggested phrase in from five through eight who um calls us frankenfuck frankenfuck oh i've got to tread carefully around that yeah re-new suggested phrase my friend and i

for years have been trying to introduce first buy, best buy, last. It's when you go shopping all day at different shops, then buy the first one you saw. The beauty of the phrase is that it doesn't work. I'll be honest, I hadn't read it that far. I realise now I've wasted all of our time. Sorry, everyone. I think it nearly does.

First buy, best buy. Oh, first buy, best buy, everyone. I think it nearly does. First buy, best buy. Oh, first buy, best buy, best. Oh, he's changed it halfway through the text. I'm very confused. But what does it mean? Yes. What does he want? Yes.

I mean, you'd think I would have filtered this out because it doesn't make sense, but here we are. Sorry. No, I'm okay. We've had another one which is... I think we might have at least found out why it hasn't caught on. We've had a VAR related. It's not related to jargon, but it is VAR related anyway,

whilst we're in that area. My husband has a new party story to dine out on and impress his friends. Now, that's the thing. Dine out on. Dine out is always a thing that's got to be. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like the idea you can go to a restaurant and when the waiter comes at the end you can say do you accept anecdote? Yes sir of course. Okay well sit down. It's been paying your bills for several years. Exactly. He cashed out an accumulator bet when it was £151, only to realise his split-second decision was perfectly timed. VAR disallowed the goal moments later... Oh, what?

...due to deciding the player was offside, and he therefore would have won nothing. He paraded around the house for hours singing VAR, my lord, VAR to the tune of Kumbaya. Excellent. You know the phrase, gaining money by false preaching?

They paid out on a gold that was then found... Which was then disallowed because presumably he cashed out on an accumulator bet. That sounds like the sort of area that Alan would understand. No, you'd think so, but I'm actually not... Well, a accumulator bet is the money you win on the last one goes on to the next one and so on. And I suppose you can bail out,

but I find that a remarkable... Frank Skinner taking the side of the bookmakers here on Absolute Radio. Those poor put-upon bookmakers. Finally, someone defending them in the public realm.

It's almost like he's a contrarian. No, but do you think that's right? I'm going to sing contrarian. No, but do you think that's right? I'm going to sing contrarian to the tune of Notorious. Do you think that's right, that he got that money on a goal that wasn't a goal? I'm with Alan. Wow.

I wonder if there's a law at that point, because it would have said, you know, that it was a goal on the screen. If you then check out then, then they don't know the future, because they've just got to pay it. I'm with Alan because we have to look at the victim close quotes here

which is you know the house always wins yeah the house always wins I think just because turf accountants often turn out on top that doesn't mean they should be subjected to malpractice. Oh, I haven't seen that Channel 5 series about the vet. Yeah.

Or would he be called Roger Mal? Yeah, it would, wouldn't it? Yeah. Or he could be called Mal, like Mal Stevens. He stars in malpractice and it's all about... A dodgy doctor, that would be. Exactly. Yeah.

That would be a good one. I mean, things have been commissioned on the strength of much less, much flimsier ideas. Oh, yeah. Walking in a Winton Wonderland. Oh, yeah. Par example. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. I'd like to discuss another news story that's breaking. The boffins have been busy, the scientists. Oh, I love the boffins. Well, you may love them even more because very soon we could be on our smelly phones. Not telephones, smelly phones. Smelly phones, not telephones, smelly phones.

Phones could send and receive smells after a scientific breakthrough that allows scents to be cloned. And they could do it on television as well. We could be watching Smelly Vision. No, thank you. You're not a fan. Couldn't these guys be working on the COVID? They could. You'd think that they could.

But, I mean, you say you're not a fan, but imagine the joy of watching, you know, Saturday Kitchen or Bake Off and being able to smell the cake. I often feel relief. Wake up and smell the cake, Emily. I don't have to because they put onions in this food. Oh, you don't like onions.

Also, can I just say this is very open to abuse by pranksters. Let's just leave it there. Yes. No, you're right. Some of these smells are. I think we've all received bad news in a text, but let's imagine it with an accompanying skunk smell emoji. Vengeful partners. Well, as you know,

I've been involved in several Catholic emancipation-based hunger strikes. Have you? Sorry, what was happening out? Wouldn't it be just the thing that my friends would be texting the smell of hot dog with fried onions? Oh, yeah. Just to taunt me.

They're cruel. That would be very difficult if you were fasting. This strikes me, and I think there could be a thing I would call waste of time tech. I think there could be a cat. One thing I would call waste of time tech. And I would love to hear on 8, 12, 15, if anyone's got any other. One that springs to mind immediately to me is the FlexiDisc.

I don't know if you remember that. The FlexiDisc was a very, very thin, very bendable vinyl that you could make your... They made albums. I had an Elvis box set, I remember, on FlexiDisc. very bendable vinyl that you could make your they made album I had an Elvis box set I remember on Flexidus probably worth a few quid down that I could see no reason for it at all

nothing was gained by that development yeah I think my problem with this particular thing is I don't want people's solicited odours let alone the unsolicited type will you have control over the odors you're being sent like a filter yes we'll all be we'll be wearing our masks just in case it's just to watch an episode of doctor who or something oh that could be a smelly program couldn't't it? Doctor Who could be. But what do things smell like in the 25th century?

That's only the people watching it, Al. I didn't say that, Frank. I like the idea of hackers invading Lothric and downloading some of their fragrances. Can you imagine? You get the spokesman, an irate spokesman from Loughracker. We want to have an absolute disgrace. We have never been...

That would be worth seeing. It would come through what in the phone, though? Would there be a special hole for it? Would it come out? Yeah, like a little gas chamber or something. Well, if they can presumably... Don't you love it when people read one article and they know everything? It's like the American election.

The thing about the corvuses. There was some jargon that I invented. Go on. The wikilectual. Yeah. Who reads one Wikipedia page and then becomes an expert. You're good at this, Frank. Oh, maybe I should go into the jargon business.

I don't think it's actually industry in its own right. I'm not sure. business i don't think it's actually a industry and it's not right um the molecular structure and other things i've never said before in my life yeah but i think it's about i sort of understand that if they're breaking it down in the same way you can take a 3d image of something you can create the smell so it's a replica of it yeah it's a clone of it isn't it it's not but apparently you know the first person who ever came up with this idea as a concept the smell, so it's a replica of it. It's a clone of it, isn't it? But apparently, you know the first person who ever came up with this idea as a concept? No.

Dick Francis, the best-selling novelist and former jockey. It's good, but it's not right. Okay, let me have my guess. Is it Mary Bale, the woman who put the cat in the wheelie bin? Close. Okay. It's Alexander Graham Bell. No way.

You are having a laugh. He came up with the idea. He originally. I mean, to be fair, he was one of the early tech entrepreneurs, I think. He originally, that was what he'd hoped for. That was a concept of his that one day he'd be able to do that. And now this, I believe his name is Mr. Noam Sobel at the Weissman Institute in Israel.

I'm just saying it's all gone a bit, I'm having that. Yeah, well, Alexander Graham's smell, I call it. This is Frank Skinner. Yeah, well, Alexander Graham's smell, I call it. Richard Roskell has got in touch regarding, you were talking about, it's a sort of pointless tech, wasn't it? What was the example you gave, Frank? Yes, a flexi-disc. Yes, very good. Vinyl records that were floppy but did nothing else different at all.

The man who Al now, for some reason, refers to as... Rico. Says, got to be the electric carving knife. Basically invented to save wear and tear on the elbow joint. I would agree with you, Rico. That's a good point, but I do often get dentists recommending an electric toothbrush, and you'd think

that that would be a similar. I don't know if butchers recommend an electric carving knife. Have you gone electric on the toothbrush front? I have, yes. Me too. But not with the carving knife. I'm manual. I like to tear it apart with my bare hands. I'll manual. I like to tear it apart with my bare hands.

Glad. I'll tell you what's another one. Do you remember, this is maybe before your time. Thanks. But back in the 70s, there was a film called Hurricane. Yeah. And it was in censor round. And when you went to see it, they had these special speakers,

so you had like this rumbling, and you could feel the vibration in your stomach. You know, like a bass, a throbbing bass at a gig. Sounds like my neighbours. And I thought, everyone was saying, oh, this is cinema, it will never be the same again. But it was actually exactly the same again. After that film, exactly.

I'd love to know if there was any other sense around Moot, but that one was, I mean, it got loads of people went to see, and then it wasn't that good. We've had an email entitled Shaking With Rage, which I think is more on the office jargon and the language usage. I was sitting in traffic the other day behind a tradesman in his van, a stonemason advertising his trade on the rear of the van with the slogan,

restoring the past, preserving the future. It's surely not possible to preserve the future. The word preserve defers only to the present or past tense or jam. He's absolutely correct. Shaking with rage. I like it. We've heard from... Especially if it was from Shaking Stephens.

Well, I bet it wasn't. No. Soz. We've heard from the lady. Do you remember we were talking about the lady whose husband had bet on the... The accumulator. The accumulator.

Thank you. 193. She's got in touch. Furious. Absolutely furious. My husband denies malpractice. OK. Apparently, I missed a key point out

that the bet was for one pound. Thanks for enhancing his story by talking about it on the radio, guys. That last bit sounds like gritted teeth. Yes, I do think it is. But also, the fact it was a pound, you know. For the want of a nail, the shoe was lost. I don't know what he means by that.

By the end of it, his personal self-respect has gone. It's one of the the his friend Aesop told him that one I remember the nail the shoe was lost I've not got that bit do you know so then once the shoe

the horse was lost for once the horse the rider was lost and then the battle and then the war all because of that nail don't spoil the ship I used to get told

for a halfpence worth of tar yes oh ok halfpence oh halfpenny worth is it halfpence half of tar. Yes. Oh, okay. Ha'peth. Oh, a ha'penny worth, is it? Ha'peth. Ha'penny. By the way,

I'm doing a book festival on Monday morning. The Chortle Comedy Book. I'm looking forward to it, partly because it's in a completely empty pub for social distancing reasons. Can I come then?

you can't it's empty but you can attend it online what do I do? you have to go to the Chortle Comedy Book Festival thing and will you interview people on it? no I'm being interviewed by Izzy Sooty about my new book which is tremendous

I'm loving it I'm in I love Izzy Sooty I'm in so thank you very to that. I love Easy City. I'm in. Okay, so thank you very much for listening to us this morning. Thank you for all your contributions. As ever, you make the show a rich and enriching experience. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now, mainly stay in. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. we'll be back again this time next week now mainly stay in