The Frank Skinner Show - Leather Versace Dungarees

Episode Date: May 29, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to the cinema and has received some interesting customer service. The team also discuss Eurovision, friendly neighbours and why Frank missed out on a freebie.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning all. We were just talking about if Annie the Musical had been set in the private sector, it might have been different.

Can I do the song? Go on, Em. Go on. It's a hard knock life for us. It's a hard knock life for us. No, it's for them. For them. Oh.

Oh, dear. Oh, my goodness. I love Annie. It is the greatest of the musical Oh, my goodness. I love Anne. It is the greatest of the musicals, I think. There aren't many dramas, anything, that have a really passionate, sympathetic representation of a multi-millionaire. And that's what I like about it.

This is the kind of stuff we talk about before we go on air. Yeah, on that stomp, yeah. Start with the hard-hitting stuff today. What would Annie be like in the private sector? On that... 8, 12, 15. Easy street we live in. It's, um...

Yes, I've been... I'll tell you what's happened to me. I know we're not supposed to plug other radio stations, but in my car I've started listening to Magic at the Musicals. Have you heard that? Have you? Wow. Oh, man, it's very fine indeed.

That's quite neat. When you're a jet, as I drove in this morning, I was chewing gum that I didn't even have in my mouth as I listened to it. Anyway, enough of this. I want to run something by you guys. Morning, Alan and Emily, obviously. Morning.

I want to ask you because I feel you two dwell more in the real world than I do. Wow. Keeping it real. Especially during the lockdown era, I have taken to using Amazon quite a lot. Now I know there are, I don't know what the, people have got problems with, well every major company is evil apparently. But anyway, I just like the cardboard around the house. Yeah. Anyway, here's the thing. It was my son's birthday last Sunday. He was nine, and I bought him an Iron Man outfit.

You've got to have one. Okay. And when we took it out, I'd gone for the nicer of the three available. I'll be straight with you. I wasn't going to skimp on the Iron Man. Good luck, you've worked for it. Yeah, and you know, I took the Tony Stark approach, go for the best.

So we got it out the bag, and he was running around the house in it, but he was holding his hand to his chin, like thoughtful Iron Man, considering something. I said, why are you doing that? And he said, there's no elastic on the mask. I said, well, that's no good at these prices. So I, open brackets, meaning my PA, close brackets,

phoned or emailed Amazon. I was going to say, I don't think... Hello, Amazon. Hello, Amazon. So anyway... Phoned Amazon. Hello, Amazon. So anyway... Hello, Amazon. So anyway, emailed and said there's no elastic on my Iron Man mask. Now, is this...

What I'm trying to get from you two, is this good customer services or bad customer services, what I got back? I got an email... They say, do you live alone, sir? I got an email with a link to, well, first of all, let me get this right. I got a £5 refund on the Ironman thing with a link to a £3.99 spool of elastic available on Amazon. Is that how it's supposed to work, customer service? It's some sort of crazy DIY approach.

Have you ever heard of such a... All I can think is that if you get that, you're a pound up. Well, a pound and a penny, Al, that's not like you. Yeah, you get some change. Yeah, but I mean, I've got to do craft. Yeah, exactly. I didn't think there'd be a craft element. I mean, it's a bit like...

When you actually factor in an hourly rate. Also, Al, if I ordered a feather boa, let's say I was doing my Hey Big Spender routine. Again. Of course. Yeah. And they just gave me a piece of string.

Yeah, and set. And then a link to a feather. A link to a Bernard Matthews turkey farm. Yeah. And so make it yourself.

That'd be absolutely alright. Yeah. Look, I tell you what, I'd like to know what people think about this. I'd also like to know your best or worst

customer services experience because I've got to try and work out where I am on the scale here. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I have, I don't know why, but I've posted a picture of me holding up the actual elastic that Amazon guided me to. They didn't send me the elastic, remember. They sent me a link to the elastic.

So I had to action that as well. What I like is that you got somebody else to email them and you also got somebody else to put up the picture for you. There's quite a lot of catering to you. Yeah, I did bring, I drove in the elastic.

That was brave, Al. I've just seen the elastic. I don't want to boast, but IRL. In real life. Yeah. Good use of IRL. Can I be honest, Frank? Go on.

It was a sorry affair. Well, it's... Listen, don't take it personally. You've done really well given the circs, but it's very thick, the elastic. Yeah, but i think you need think for an iron man mask remember there's quite a lot of action involved i might what worries me is i think i'm gonna have to put a stitch in it and i don't mean my pa i mean me personally i'm

gonna have to thread a needle and put a stitch in the damn thing i mean t Stark, you know, presses a button and it all happens. But, you know, I'm afraid on the shop floor things are a bit different. You don't see Tony Stark having to send emails to Amazon asking for elastic, do you? No, well, he'd just think email and it would happen. That's probably something that's in one of his new row his new row things what's the superpower then is he strong now he's rich he's rich is that a superpower iron man and batman iron man is marvel comics rich bloke and batman is dc comics rich bloke and it's it's yeah so there's hope for us all if you work hard it's it's the American dream, work hard, get rich, you too can be a superhero.

Yeah. Remember that, kids. You can buy your way in. I thought he was a neat freak, and I rather like the sound of him. But I genuinely like to know what you got. Do you think that's good customer service or bad customer service?

Al? I mean, I have a view on this, obviously. Yeah, I think it's towards the negative side I don't know it's stretching it a bit don't get your knees in a twist I thought they'd say send the outfit back we'll send you on with elastic

or send the mask back but not here's a tip try this elastic can I tell you what it is i think they've tried but it it would make me lose some faith in the in the product and the company i suppose in a way it's made me see amazon as a bit less of a gargantuan, colossus, impersonal company. If there's a bloke in an office somewhere saying, oh, try elastic.

It sounds, you know, I imagine it all would be... Quite human in a way. I thought there'd be robots doing it all. I agree. It feels a bit make, do and mend. Yeah. It's a bit Hamforth Parish Council meeting. I imagine they had a meeting about it. We've got a 2pm about the Frank Skinner Iron Man mask. I imagine they had a meeting about it. We've got a 2pm about the Frank

Skinner Iron Man mask. I think there was a meeting. When I complain about my Apple pencil, are they going to refer me to various electrical circuits? I have to get a welding iron at home.

Have you heard his Amazon pronunciation? It's quite good. Amazon? Yes. Yeah, that's right, isn't it? You're always picking me up on my pronunciations. How? I like it.

What do you call it? It makes me think of the rainforest when you say it. Will you call it Amazon? What do you say, Al? I say Amazon, but... What do you say? Amazon.

Amazon. Yeah, Amazon. You know, like Wonder Woman. You say it like you're naming a new land or something. Well, in a way. Now, I'm starting elasticating things. Who knows where it'll end.

We've had some customer feedback anecdotes. Oh, we have? Good. 653 has texted. I'm going to slightly edit the name of the toy shop out Frank, Emily and Alan on customer service, my mate Neil did his

GCSE work experience at the customer service department of a major toy shop I'm going to say in the 90s he spent his week telling people they would send them a £100 gift voucher in the post to anyone that complained,

no matter what the problem was. And there were lots of happy people. I wonder what came of it in the next few weeks after he went back to school. Oh, so he was lying. Yes. Oh, no. And I believe they went under a few weeks later, according to this. But I thought they were still around, actually.

Well, I don't know. I don't know who they are. Oh, we don't know. That's one of the joys of customer service, is lying. Are they hyphenated in any way? Hyphenated twice, perhaps. Only way we don't know. Let's not go into it.

I'd also like to share out John Hopkins, who's one of our regulars, has been in touch. Morning all. Hopper. Could work, I suppose. Morning all. My wife complained about the viscosity of some mascara. Yes, it's the thing.

Okay. That she'd bought from an online clothing accoutrement company. I don't know what viscosity. Is that how thick it is? It's the thickness. OK, yeah. As a way of apology, they sent her a free shoehorn. Wow.

That's good for getting our eyelids open. How thick was it? We've also had... I love a shoehorn. Some people have sent us pictures of irons. Ian Stewart-Dudson saying this was amazon's original idea and a picture of a russell hobbs supreme steam traditional iron in reference to the iron man mask oh i see yes very good and josh jeffrey has said i'll tell you what if i look that josh

jeffrey's josh jeffrey okay i tell you what, off the picture of you, Frank, if I look that good when I'm 64, I will be delighted. Well, I think you'll be fine. You'll rent a cottage in the Isle of Wight if it's not too dear. You will scrimp and say, oh, that's lovely. Thank you so much. Thank you to all my fans out there. There's only one.

You, Steve. It's you, Steve. You, Steve. It's you, Steve. You tell him. I'll tell you what I did this week. What about this for a crazy activity? I went to the cinema. I mean, I'd almost forgotten what that was like.

What did you see? I saw, I might get the title wrong, Raya and the Last Dragon. Never heard of it. No, it's a beautiful Disney animation. Oh. It's like a work of art. Right. And the message, there's a big message in it

about trust everyone no matter how untrustworthy they may seem. The direct opposite of what I've taught my child throughout his life. Yeah. Especially in reference to old man Baxter at number 31. You're a hamster now, dear. It's a nice idea.

And, you know, you had to wear a mask and that, but it was not. I'm sort of, I'm okay with a mask now. Who's, um... To be honest, we've had a couple of friends for years who haven't got the freshest breath in the world and it's enabled me to actually to get closer to them both physically and spiritually well you're not just okay with a mask you provide guests with elastic for the mask oh that's true maybe i can get some heavy duty masks made of leather. No. OK. You could wear an Iron Man mask, couldn't you, on public transport, say?

You could. Yeah? Yeah. If you didn't value your dignity. Well, I value it, but, you know, it depends on which area. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And James in Devon has pointed out, Frank, there is a specialist area of the internet for leather masks.

OK? Oh, OK, fair enough. I'm sure there are. I've seen some in local, just round here, actually. You can still get gas masks over the counter. Local, yeah. I don't know if they're for gas. The thing is, when being back in the cinema,

everybody said to me, how lovely to experience. Everyone I've told said, oh, great. You know, it's much, somewhat special about going to the cinema. It's not like watching at home. And I went,

the cinema I went to was one of those where you sit on a sofa and they bring you pizza and stuff. And I thought, it's not that different from stopping in. And what they've done is they've made those cinemas as much like stopping in and watching the telly as is possible. I don't know if that's a good thing to plant in the audience. And the other, I did a face to face interview no zoom

no masks where was the interview it was in Belsize Park which is area of North London you'll be familiar with. Was it in a cafe? It was in a cafe and me and David Baddiel

it was so we met he came to my house and we walked to this And we were interviewed by a couple of old friends Of ours that we worked with on fantasy football Was it a podcast? No, no, it was a radio Do you like my lady back? A podcast?

It was a radio interview But as you know Everyone who works in radio radio wants to be in television and more and more now you do a radio thing and they've got like a camera or what i would call i don't know if you still use the term camcorder but at least a camcorder yeah judging by the amount of laughter coming out as a producer I'm not sure if you do well anyway, so I got there me and Dave turned up, there were three

cameras, proper big cameras pointed at this thing so I said I thought this was a radio interview and they said yeah, we're also putting it on our YouTube channel I said well, I'm not doing it. You did.

Did you? It was a bit awkward. Good lad. Yes, I would say it would be awkward. And I said, no. Yeah, but if you've agreed to radio, then it's actually television. I didn't think that was right.

It's like a media version of the bus replacement train service. Exactly, exactly. So can I just fill in a little bit of schadenfreude for those people? Okay, that was lovely. And then what happened? So, what did David say? Is David quite good at smoothing things over? Oh, he was brilliant. He was saying

oh, I don't mind it. Thanks, thanks. Solidarity, comrades. Yeah, exactly. We're all in this together so i said well i do i do mind it and i that's not fair i think that's i'm not gonna i'm not doing it they bought david they bought david a cup of coffee and a piece of chocolate cake and i said that cake looks. And they got me a fork. So I could have some of that. So hang on.

Can we just establish what happened? David did the interview and you sat in the corner refusing. No, no, no. Don't write me off as a refuse Nick. As a complete refuse Nick. I was affronted. I felt I'd been tricked. And, well, you know, I'll tell you what happens next after this.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. May I share this with you from Groovy J? What? From Ninjago? From Groovy J. Okay. I was in Morrison's once and two checkout assistants in adjacent checkouts were chatting to each other

and one complained we never get any decent looking blokes in here whilst you were serving me oh wow I love you Groovy J she'd obviously checked him out Oh, wow. I love you, Groovy J. She'd obviously checked him out.

Oh. I mean. So we're in this situation where... We're in a definite type of situation, it's fair to say. It's a bit awkward. Can we just say, Cluedo style, we're in the cafe with Reverend David David Baddiel. Dave sitting in front of three cameras. I'm standing to one side. Because

you've said, look, I was going to do a radio interview. It's a radio interview. And you're filming me. So far, I'm team Frank. It feels like you could have turned up and they've said, oh, actually, we're going to do an essay as well. Yeah, actually, you're changing the territory.

We're hoping you can tell your story in modern interpretive dance. Here's some lycra and you can get changed behind the bar. And you're in some sort of Louis Spence figure. So one of them said, do you... I said, coffee, Kate, lovely. And he said, do you want a drink? And I said, well, I don't know if I'm staying. It's all a bit...

Anyway... Oh, God, I feel sick. It's interesting because... Well, never mind. Oh, no, I do mind. So the producer said, well, OK, we'll turn the cameras off. And I said, yeah, right. And she said, we've got to keep them on for the sound and I said well can you turn them

around she said well we'll put the lens caps on I said okay put the put the lens caps on I mean in direct contravention of what I've learned from Raya and the last dragon who said trust everyone even though I wasn't having it so um it went on and and emily was just saying to me that most people the average person has gained 11 pounds during lockdown um i like to think i haven't changed that much no but again i know it's i know it is um there is a git element to this, but I do feel that that's what's made me a git. These people have created a monster. Well, I would say, OK, I think in your favour, in defence of you... Thanks.

I would say... I'm going to get to music when you get to the bot at the end of the defence of me. You know I will. You know i will you know i will go on i think there's a cleanness to that level of honesty it's unpleasant in the moment but the elastoplast is ripped off and there's no doubt we all know where we stand, which is great, but... Well, before you say this, can I say, I've become quite a champion of radio, despite being snubbed by the Arias

and the British Podcast Awards, if we're going to bring that up. Oh, they always snub me, those people. And I think be proud of the fact... Hate us. You know, radio's got a lovely, rich, intimate, verbal thing going on. Be proud of that. Don't feel you've got to film it and send photos of somebody holding elastic on social

media in case the viewers don't know what, the listeners, see I'm calling them viewers, that's where we've gone to. They don't know what elastic is. It's like in local paper. I remember in my local paper there was a when i was a kid there was a bloke leaving a company that made metal tubes he was retiring and they had this story it's a clear enough story man retiring from company that makes metal tubes they had a picture of him holding a carriage clock, the traditional retirement gift, in one hand, a metal tube in the other,

and he's outside the factory where all his colleagues are waving. And I thought, I got the story. You don't have to give me the visuals. So if you're in radio, be loud and proud. That's all I'm saying.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Many have. We'll be reading some out soon. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the...

No, not and. Don't do or. Or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We don't want a triple threat. Speak for yourself. 878 has got in touch. Morning, Frank. Just wondering how Frank marked the feast day of St Bede the Venerable last Tuesday.

Well, I did note it. You have St Bede the Venerable alert. I put a little word in for Bede in my daily communication, certainly. Yeah, I was excited to see Bede's. Oh, can you request shout-outs? Can I have one? Yeah. I think you have been included in the past.

Oh, well, I never have. Well, it's a funny old world. I want to know more about the cafe, Frank. Well, look, you know, I never are. Well, it's a funny old world. Yeah. I want to know more about the cafe, Frank. Well, look, you know, I did the interview. The cameras were switched off. I did the interview. I absolutely gave it my best shot. I even tried to defuse what I must admit was something of attention.

But I told an anecdote and I gesticulated quite a lot and I said, oh God, I'm really going for this. If only this was on camera. And I thought that will... Rub their noses in it. And then someone said, oh yeah, hoisted by your own petard. And I thought, no, is it... It was a bit of knowing humour.

Yeah, exactly. It was me acknowledging the sort of not they might have interpreted it as what we now call trolling yeah how did um hoisted by your own child land with you well by then i was in the i mean i was uh on the roll i couldn't be bothered and also it's from something that was from one of the interviewers who is uh is an old friend of mine i forgave him okay uh and then at the end of it it ended and there was no um very little in the way of thank you very well dave got a great, got hogs. I think there was some ticker tape for Dave. You know in cartoons when it rains on one person?

That's what the ticker tape was on. That was on Dave. Dave got all the thank yous. And you had a cartoon rainstorm over your head. Exactly. But, you know, I did. I absolutely delivered, if I say so or shouldn't.

But it was orally and not visually. That was the thing. And then a group of people gathered, several people. And I thought, why are they here? If they're sent for security, am I going to be menaced? And David Baddiel, you will know, has written a book called Jews Don't Count, which I have to say is a really excellent read. And there was a queue of people with that book, as if it was a book signing. Oh, excellent.

So at the end of the day, they get lost out because I had to sit there while people queued up and didn't even, I don't think they even noticed I was there. Oh, they did, right. No, they did. They just said, oh, this is such a great book. I love this so much. Who's that old man you're with? Who's that old man saying to the crew, yeah, right. Yeah, I wasn't actually talking to him. I promised that at the interview, I did the interview, so that's

alright. That's your story. Okay. Stick into it. By the way, before we go to the outside world, I told you it was my son's birthday. My partner, Kath, decorated a cake for him um because i think on nine-year-old's cake market not many are asking for alice cooper which is bozzy's current um fave

and so kath did an alice cooper cake it was brilliant just the eyes which is enough with Alice I might post I actually think I will post a picture of that because it is worth seeing but um it made me think and I thought I'd be interested with people there are some celebrities who you can do quite easily at a costume party. Do you know what I mean? Like Halloween or whatever it is. I mean, you couldn't do me. Where would you begin to do me? How would you do George Clooney? How would you do, you know?

But there are some people. I think I could perhaps do Russell Brand, for example, if I had up a bit. Yeah, yeah. And, like, you know, I'll put my shirt to the waist and all that. I've got long-air beads. But there aren't many. And Alice Cooper, I think, fits in that.

So, I don't know. Benny Hill, if you wore the beret and spectacles. Yeah, you're off. Benny Hill. But you couldn't do Benny Hill in a floral shirt and matching tie. Seventies suit. No one and matching tie. 70s suit. No one would get it. It's tricky.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We wear who? Outside world. That's what we were going to do. What has been said to us? Well, as you know, we now have a recurring theme of previously on this show. Ah, yes. Like, you know, when there's a second episode of something. And we were talking a little while ago about biggest childhood disappointments.

I can't remember how it came up. Oh, it was your son ripping down the Harry Kane posters, wasn't it? It was, yeah. He was hearing that Harry... He didn't rip them down, but he carefully took them all down off his wall about three minutes after Harry Kane put in a transfer request. He wasn't angry, just disappointed. He was crying.

He was actually crying. I'm an adult man who thinks that he's well-adjusted, but I still occasionally have a flashback to when I was a child waking up the next day and my mum said, oh, the Incredible Hulk was on the telly last night. I nearly woke you up to watch it, but I thought you were already asleep.

I mean, crushing, isn't it? Yes, I mean, you don't want to miss the Incredible Hulk. Well, Zoe Jasmine Riley has tweeted, not getting my figure skating badge when my cousin did. I threw a tantrum. That doesn't sound nice, does it? That sounds like... What's the famous rivalry in figure skating

when Tanya Harding... I believe it was Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding. Tonya Harding, yeah. Very good film called I, Tonya on that. Yes. I watched, get this, I'll tell you what I watched the other day for pleasure. I watched the Torvill and Dean Olympic Rebels Bolero thing.

How did it stand out? I'll tell you what, if you ever just want one moment of what it feels like to have cracked it, to that moment when you know you've done the job in life, and it could be a small thing, could be a big thing,

but that moment when you think, yes, I did that. At the end, they fall onto the ice. And the music swells. Yeah, and they lie there and she's reaching out and the camera is right at ice level and you can see her face and she's doing this dramatic look and then there's a moment where she just comes out of it

and you think, that moment she must have thought, did it, did it perfectly. Oh, man, it's great. It's really great. That sounds good. Wasn't Michael Crawford involved with them, I believe? Going into a little bit of trouble. Yeah, I think there was loads of jeopardy on his journey to watch it.

He was involved in the choreography or something. Was he? No, I think he went there on rollerblades on the back of a bus. He did. I'm sure he did. I was looking at it because I thought, well, I'm he went there on rollerblades on the back of a bus. He did, I'm sure he did. I was looking at it because I thought, well, I'm back on tour soon and I've got to get back to where I was as far as stand-up is concerned. It's been 18 months, I'm rusty, I've got to get there.

And if you remember, they did it, there was like a 20th anniversary thing or 30th maybe yeah of that olympics and they went and did it again and it was still brilliant box fresh so i compared it with that and of course i also will get a bit of a question a bit of a lie down at the end i find it interesting timing that you chose to watch that. Britain's probably our greatest, arguably, sporting triumph. Well. A few, in terms of clean sweeps, immediately after our performance in the Eurovision Song Contest.

Oh, yes. Were the two linked, is all I'm saying. No, no, I actually watched it before that. I thought... I'm not going to say. I'm not going to say what I thought. Let's put it this way, I wasn't outraged at our treatment. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We were talking about, we just got onto Eurovision, I don't know how. What I would say about the whole thing is I thought the German guys should also have got zero. Oh, what were they doing? But there was a brilliant thing which I love so much and maybe this is a visual thing but i will try and do it in word pictures for you all yeah the switzerland guy who was this very lovable fellow with an 80s haircut and when they had the end of the judges voting he was ahead and he was smiling and he had that real, you know when people are looking at the camera going, I'm not worthy, oh God, thank you.

And he was going, thank you, thank you so much. And he was like, oh, what a sweet, lovely guy. And he was going to cry. He was humble. He didn't deserve all these points. Thank you, thank you. And I thought, wow, what a nice man. And then they started having the public vote in

and suddenly Italy got like 431 votes and he dropped down a bit. And man, Dr Jekyll. Could you see it? Oh, he suddenly... We could see, what do they know about it? It was magnificent. And he'd forgotten he didn't care about the cameras.

Let them see what a nasty piece of work he truly... And he honestly looked like he was going to rip someone's throat out. It was brilliant. Do you know, I might go back and have a look at that as a special treat my little insight into from boy next door to boy next door if you're in Broadmoor it went in one flip it was great I always like a glimpse of the heart of darkness and can I say whilst we're on the subject of Italy monoskin oh yes I believe they're called which is a Danish word not Can I say, whilst we're on the subject of Italy, Måneskin... Oh, yes. ..I believe they're called, which is a Danish word, not Italian.

Mm. Do you know what it means, boys? No. Moonlight. Oh, OK. Ah. I was very interested in the sartorial choices of Italy. They see...

You may have noticed, Al, what they were going for is a sort of leather dungaree with exposed cross stitch it had a Freddie Mercury

feel to it Freddie Mercury but also a bit Minions the dungaree sans top is a Minions thing

oh they have no top yeah it's just a naked torso like the Minions except they're yellow tone

and then the dungaree the first thing I tone, and then the dungaree. The first thing I thought when you said leather dungarees was hairdressers. That would be good for a hairdresser, wouldn't it? It doesn't stick. My hairdresser does wear those on his Saturday nights. I was

in a... What was it? I think it was some posh... It's a Versace shop in Milan, and I tried on a pair of leather... I tried on some leather dungarees. This is a dream. Sorry, can we just start from the very beginning? I was in Versace in Milan and tried on leather dungarees.

I was filming for the travel show. And if you take the core of this, it's acceptable. I was there to see Milan play Roma in football. It's not explaining this behaviour any further. But while we were there, they shot me doing various things. I tried these leather dungarees and I looked like I was going fishing, flying fishing. They didn't look at all cool or trendy on me.

But the man in the shop was very nice. I thought poor James Newman. He gave it his best and it was a perfectly pleasant song. He seems a lovely chap. I think the problem, we were talking of leather, was he went for a tunic. It was a sort of medieval leather tunic, long-sleeved tunic.

Did he sing out of tunic? Fair, that's excellent. Left their sleeve, then we're not going to follow that. Here's the thing, and I can't even explain my behaviour in this story. But I was taking my son... Well, I'm already on the hook for this story. No, no, it's not. No, I would very much read the book. I can't even explain my behaviour in this story by Frank Skinner.

It's not as good as it sounds, but I was taking my son to school and where I live, and I don't know if this is a national phenomenon, but we might find out from our readers, that people put stuff out

at the front of their house that they no longer want. David, the dealer's done it on your street. I took a photo of it once. I don't know why. I recently collected a book that I thought Frank Skinner might be interested in, in exactly such a circumstance. It was a history book about the Picts and the Celts.

Oh, that sounds good. Doesn't it? But I don't think I've ever seen a book outside a house when it hasn't been raining. David Baddiel had... I'll have to find a picture. There were various DVDs. OK.

There was a selection of them. Anyway, it's the thing. My friend Joan Bainwell actually bought a bookcase from IKEA or wherever, so she could put stuff out on that and keep it stocked up when she was moving house fantastic anyway there was a cardboard box and it said please help yourself on it and it was full of New Yorker magazines I I mean, like about 50. Now, I love New Yorker magazine, but I don't know, to subscribe to it seems like, I don't know.

An indulgence too far. An indulgence. But I just have an image of myself sitting, not maybe with both feet up, with one foot up and one on the ground, reading the New Yorker. I suppose in my idealised view of myself, I'm the piano-playing father from 101 Dalmatians.

Oh, yes, I see that. And I thought, oh, look at those. Imagine sitting next to a big pile of New Yorkers and flicking through a bit of bit of fiction a review and a funny cartoon so i thought i didn't pick them up so i was taking buzz to school but i i never normally walk back the same way but i'm gonna i thought i'm gonna walk back and i'm gonna pick up those new yers. And I walk back, and I got incredibly anxious about the whole thing about picking them up,

and I just walked straight past them and left them. Oh, Frank. I said, why didn't I grab the New Yorkers? Why didn't you? What was my problem? And now they've gone, of course. They've gone. Someone else has.

Good idea for a text in. What's Frank's problem? Yeah, well... 8, 12, 15. Why didn't I grab the New Yorkers? What's wrong with you? You let the fear of others' judgement... But there was no-one around.

It just felt like a big thing to do. But what I find extraordinary, Al... Yes, I'm going to pretend he's not here. ..is that our dear friend will balk over picking up a few old magazines which have been abandoned in the street. And have a sign that says, please help yourself. And will happily try on leather dungarees in Versace Milano

and say to her crew, yeah, right. Yeah, it's complicated. In fact, it was the same please help yourself sign that I got from Amazon. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

245 has got in touch. I like this, Al, a lot. The Italian Eurovision entry had a silver necklace that said annoying. How fantastic. It said annoying. How fantastic. It said annoying. I want that. I ordered one whilst watching.

It arrived yesterday. Wow. I'm wearing it now. Wow. But there was no chain on it but Amazon have sent me a link to an anchor chain which I can cut up at home.

I'm going to order the annoying necklace 245. That sounds... Does it say annoying in English or in Italian? Oh, yeah, 245, if you could let us know. Because the great thing is, what I love, it's rather what the comic does, is I'll highlight my flaws before you do. Thank you.

Thank you very much. I should get a necklace saying difficult. Frank should get one saying radio only. Yeah, but I think I've already been stabbed with that by society. I think we've all got that. Oh, well, you know, I'm doing men's, as they say at Amazon. Hey, Emily, what do you think of this? I just tried to give Frank some armchair cognitive behavioural therapy

about his difficulty with the New Yorker magazines. He got anxious and didn't pick up for free, even though there's a sign saying free. Oh, don't. You don't know how much it really upsets me. I'm trying to recap it for anybody that's just tuning in. I'm not trying to rub salt in the wound. I know you're not trying to, but as a side effect, it hurts, Al.

Yeah. So I suggested to Frank, maybe he should just spend some of his hard-earned money. He's worth a few quid. He could just pop on eBay and buy a job lot of New Yorker magazines, and then he'd have them, and he'd have fixed the anxiety. But I think there's some issue. Well, the problem is with that is whatever I paid for them,

even if I got them for a song, as they say, as I read them, my enjoyment of them would be undermined by the fact that I knew I could have got them free. Oh, you two and your money. No, but it's not about that. We've said before, free things are so lovely. There was a box.

I bet there was 50 New Yorkers in there. See, that would put me off that it was free. I'm sorry, but it would. Yes, it would. There's a theory about that in comedy that if you don't charge the audience, they come in free, they won't laugh as much. You get what you pay for.

Yeah, they're not invested. As many a highfalutin shop assistant will tell you. Well, exactly. How much are those leather trousers you nearly bought in Versace Milan? Oh, this one's not going anywhere, my friend. When I came out, we were in that shop. Dungarees or trousers? No, they were dungarees.

Like the ones... And they were voluminous as well. Really baggy. I think... If I'd have just slipped the straps down off my shoulders, I think I could have arguably leapt out of them at a single bound. That's how loose-fitting they were. Were they similar to the ones Damiano David wore on Eurovision?

Which one? He's the Måneskin lead singer. No, no, they were much, much more voluminous, much baggier than that. I think they were more like Hayllen Pace would wear for a corporate. You know when people sell ice cream at the cinema and they have the tray hanging down at their waist level? I could have had one of those on inside the leather dongueries. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. OK, KJ.

Yeah? How would you pronounce that? Because it's a useful... OK. KJ. Whichever way Frank does it, Al, is not the way, basically. KJ. KJ?

KJ. OK, KJ. I'm not sure there are that many ways to pronounce KJ Oh have you met Frank Skinner Al? He's managed to say Amazon Got a free It's not Keith Joseph the former

Tory MP Is it health secretary? No I doubt it somehow Got a free suite for a weekend at a posh hotel after we complained. During our original

stay, we'd been given the key to a room someone was already staying in. Unfortunately, we unlocked the door to find a naked man. Oh, no, it's like Moby Dick when Ishmael ends up with... I said, what? Oh, no, it's like Moby Dick when Ishmael... Oh, don't know.

..ends up with... Keep it there, time. I said, what? No, but, you know, what's he called? Queequeg, is he? He ends up with him in his bed. They had to share it. OK, it's 10.08. OK?

I think it's fine. It's 10.08, Frank. OK. OK. I think that... We've been doing this show 12 years. That's the first time check we've ever had. That's how desperate I feel.

God, what next, travel news? Yeah. Oh, sorry I'm not keeping things blue like you. What? In Moby Dick, he checks into this thing, and in the night... Ali's done it again. A harpooner arrives

I think is he called Queequeg the guy in I don't want my name on this part of the show so do you want to jump in I know they don't like it on Absolute when things get Melvillian but I would like to

I think it's Queequeg but I haven't that will mean it's queequeeg but I've you know I haven't okay that'll mean it'll be a quaequeeg yeah probably

yeah so it's a good story though is there a culmination or is that does it end with the naked man well I I mean how much more

info do you want I mean the man was naked let's leave him there yeah I agree if someone um not the first time I've said that burst in on me and man was naked, let's leave him there. Yeah, I agree. If someone... Not the first time I've said that. ...burst in on me and I was naked,

I would reach for the shoehorn for modesty. I'd reach for the iPhone. OK. OK. Fair enough. Take a picture. So, there was a thing in the paper, as they say, about neighbours. Yes.

Now, this is interesting to me because I am the sort of neighbour, I certainly always was, who... I mean, they interview my neighbours on the news after the incident and they're saying, you know, he's a quite bloke, kept himself to himself. I'm kind of that bloke. But in recent times, I'd say since I've lived in the road I live in now,

I've sort of, I've got more neighbours, I know more neighbours now in my street than I've ever, since I was a child when neighbours was in and out your house. So I've gone through a slight alteration. I know all of your Neighbours. I mean, I can think of about four you're good friends with. Five, maybe six.

Do you know your Neighbours, though? Two of them are lovely. OK. OK. Let's leave it at that. There's a lot in the omission there isn't there I'm going to take the fifth on that but I did say I did have some

charming neighbours who sadly have moved I still keep in touch with them I was such good friends with them Mark and Jo that Mark called me once shout out to them lovely lawyer lovely

he said I've got to go to a work Christmas party called me once. Shout out to Mark and Jo. Shout out to them. Lovely. Lawyer. Lovely. He said I've got to go to a work Christmas party. I'm dressed as George Michael. Can you style my hair? Well there's an example then of a celebrity that you could go to a party. Yeah it's very easy. If Mark and Jo had put a cardboard box

full of stuff outside their house what would it have been? Oh it would have been fragrant. Ah. It would have been immaculate. Really? There would have been some lovely stuff in there. There would have been maybe some legal...

Maybe an old copy of a diary of Edwardian country ladies. There's some shredded legal documents. Oh, God, I love that. It's great for a bit, if you're sending anything back to Amazon for packing. Ah, yes. What are your, but you like your neighbours, don't you? Yes, I am.

Well, I'll tell you, I can say it's a thing that when I was a kid, everybody knew everybody, but then everyone says, Oh, in London, you don't talk to neighbours in London, don're in London and that was true for a bit but I've changed We're having a lot of love

can I say briefly for Cath's cake which has gone up on Twitter, that is amazing says Ree, Benny says, brilliant. Do you think she could do one for my birthday on Friday or is it too short notice? You notice she went for a black ribbon

as well for Cooperian authenticity. Love it. Yeah, nice. So we were discussing Neighbours and this, we should say this is based on this survey Love it. Yeah, nice. So we were discussing neighbours, and we should say this is based on this survey that's come out this week, hasn't it? So British people typically know at least five neighbours by name.

23% would go to a neighbour for advice before going to a friend. Sadly, it doesn't give the information that I really want to know, which is how many british people love a small percentage of their neighbors like is there one household i don't know what you mean alan yeah you see when i want to know that when i grew up it was literally this thing of being in and out of each other's houses you know what i mean so that the old lady from next door would come in and she would just turn up uh sit down and would stay for like three hours and there wouldn't be a big she'd get a cup of tea but she would just be like part of the family and then and then go off i remember i don't know if i ever told you this story but she arrived once

with their alarm clock and said to my dad um can you can you do anything with this we can't get it to work now and she put it on the kitchen table and halfway up the face of the alarm clock was urine and um like some terrible urinary eclipse and she dropped it that suddenly escalated she dropped it into their um into their bedroom implement and the but i remember my dad going, get off the table! Get off the kitchen! He topped that! And he was one of these blokes who could mend anything, my dad, but he would not go for the half-urine alarm clock.

So he told me to take it off. I'm with your dad. Yeah. Yeah, so I think she dad yeah you've got to have rules and it's not often I say that I think she thought he was being unreasonable but no so poor old lady had to take that

back with her I don't know what happened to her but I don't think her husband wouldn't have mended it I don't think so that's a little insight into what neighbours were like. Interesting anecdotes. You see, I think it also said the favourite topics of conversation are the weather, bin collection and a pet.

OK. That depends on your neighbours. Bin collection gets a lot of chat, doesn't it? Yeah, but not if you live next door to Ernest Hemingway. He's got other topics. Well, I again, back in Birmingham, I remember the only chat

about the weather was an old geezer down the road who said to me, the weather hadn't been as good since man had landed on the moon. Something you'd say, Frank. That's the only... My favourite new conspiracy theory. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Al and Frank, Roger Turner has tweeted us regarding the conspiracy theorist you encountered, Frank. Oh, yeah, yeah. I had a similar experience to Frank in the 60s, standing at a bus stop in the rain when the elderly lady next to me announced that the bad weather was down to that Sputnik thing. Oh, there you go. There you go.

There you go. Most readers will of course be too young to know of Sputnik. I knew a woman who she worked a little bit in telly, sort of bits and scraps of things and then she did a, I think it was

a two week course in meteorology and decided she was going to go to America to become a weather... Do they still call them weather girls? They can't call them that anymore. Is it meteorologists? No, but, you know, a weather person. Presenter.

And I know when she filled in her... You know you have to fill in a visa and that to move, and it said occupation, she wrote scientist based on the two week thing. But I think she did become a weather. What was it, Jason McAteer, left back, position left back. Well, so how qualified are weather men and women at 12.15? That's a good question. I just wondered, are they just presenters or do they actually know about...

Do they have to study meteorology? I think it depends on the presenter. Okay. What about the Spits and Spots man? Do you remember him? No. Who's that? He was a guy who used to live near me.

When me and Dave lived together, He used to live near me. When me and Dave lived together, he used to live nearby. And he was called the Spits and Spots man. That was his catchphrase. Oh, I don't know. Quite a handsome man. I think he was what's known as a heartthrob, which you'd think would be some sort of illness. Can we also share with the group, Helen Gredow,

talking of sort of customer service type things. Amazon driver dismantled the stone wall in my front garden. What? In order to build a small shelter for my package. What? Wow. What? Some sort of stonehenge for the package.

I suppose care for the package is... That's actually the title of my new men's health book. I mean, Al, what do we do at this point? But that shows he cared for what he was delivering more than he did for the actual natural structure. Cared? I mean, people will be looking at that sculpture in several thousand years.

I wonder what that housed. Helen does finish. There's an end to this story. Unlike the naked man, there's an end. Okay. I did get a £150 voucher for it, though. So both worst and best. I'm assuming Helen complained about the unasked-for stone restructuring of her wall.

Yeah. Can I say, I love that he built the shelter. Yeah. He didn't just back into the wall and think, no, I've created that natural alcove. Or do what mine does, which is say they'll write, stored it behind the bins on bin day. I've had all manner of product end up in the bin. See what I love, though, one of the few pluses of the whole lockdown experience is not having to sign for stuff.

Just there. You get delivery, you go up, it's just there you go you get delivery you go up it's just there on the step oh lovely lovely frank skinner absolute radio we were discussing um neighbors and uh and the survey that says that people know five of their neighbors names i think I know more than that. But I have a little mental heuristic where I divvy up my neighbours into those that are a laugh and those that I just say hello to. Or actually, there's a third category,

some that I used to say hello to but I no longer speak to. Can I ask you a question? I don't like them. What is a heuristic? I think it's like a way of remembering things, isn't it? Oh, okay. I mean, I might have just misused the word. No, no, I'm not pulling you up.

I honestly don't know what it means. Yeah, you see, it's interesting because I would say in your street, Frank, being familiar, I won't name names, but you are very blessed. You have some fabulous neighbours and there is a Ramsey Street vibe. I see you as the sort of Helen. Yeah, I see Frank as the sort of, if we're going on the neighbours theme, sort of Helen Daniels. Yeah, I don't know if I've got the downturned mouth. David Baddiel is the, what's his sort of Joe

Mangle figure, perhaps. Or is he getting into scrapes? More like Bamser. Harold, maybe. Who's Charlene? Oh, that would be kind of... Well, I couldn't possibly answer. You see, I think, this is very much down to my partner, Kath.

If you can imagine a sort of fairground attraction that was the incredible Gittish man, but with a very winning, persuasive person on the front door bringing them in to look at them. That's it. That's how they trapped them. They put Kath to get them in and then at me. That's it. That's how they trap them. They put Kath to get them in and then they descend into the lair. If I hadn't met Kath, I would be

staying in a lot watching Doctor Who and sport. I mean, that would be me. We still do that quite a lot. But even more. When did you last watch Doctor Who, Frank? Not Thursday night. No. Two Eps.

Dry spell. Two Eps! Episodes three and four of Terminus, if anyone out there is interested. Oh, Thursday night. Which included Lisa Goddard in the guest. Oh, was she married to Alvin Stardust? I don't know if she was then, but he wasn't mentioned in the episode.

So, Thursday night. Yeah. That's quite recent. I mean, it's quite recent. Well, I have an early night on a Friday, you see, because of having to get off the watching terminus. I watch Doctor Who, I would say, six nights a week. Are you absolutely joking?

No. How many? No, I think he's serious. I'm serious. I would normally, if I'm a bit tired, I'll just watch one episode. But generally two. That's enough to make you tired. Generally two episodes.

That's enough to send you to sleep. Frank, you've seen all these before. How many episodes? It's not a bad... When you haven't seen an episode for two, three years, you can't... I remember bits, but not most of it, certainly. But presumably, do you do that?

Is it like Rocky Horror Experience? This has really become now, hasn't it? Sorry. I've met my therapist You asked me this question Sorry, but when you're sort of watching it is it a rocky horror experience? So you're saying under your breath, citizens of Gallifrey

No, well I watch it alone often I'm just on my phone Wow, okay Yeah I watch it alone. Often I'm just on my phone. Wow. Okay. Yeah.

I mean, I can honestly say I love it. I know you do. I don't even think, oh, better. That's nice. I mean, there is never one on one. You get some episodes that are less good, but even those I still. Take that back. I know. Well, I'm not going to name names.

As most of them are dead, it wouldn't really matter. But anyway, yeah, and you sort of think, oh, I forgot Lisa Goddard was in this. So, yeah, but as you asked, that is the answer. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I have a question on neighbours what's the

boundary for a neighbour like if my mate lives like three miles away can I give him a shout out as a neighbour of mine I think they've got to be in your road that's my own. I say the boundary for a neighbour is don't bring in an alarm clock

half full of urine and put it on the discotape. That was a boundary, wasn't it? That's crossing the boundary. I've never done a shout-out on the show, but I would like to. My mate Leroy has won a Pride of Manchester section of the Pride of Britain Awards thing because he genuinely saved a girl's life. He swam into the sea and rescued her and nearly drowned himself.

So I've never done this, but I wanted to shout out to Leroy. I think that's fair enough. Well done, Leroy. Yeah, it's amazing. Leroy, that is amazing. But have you ever reconstructed a wall and turned it into a shelter for packages? No, see, where is that guy's award? I'm just saying, we're all doing our bit.

There's a fabulous Laurel and Hardy film where May Bush, the actress who worked a lot with them, she jumps in the river to end it all and they rescue her. And she says, well, you know, you're responsible for me now. You've got to give me a flat and all that kind of stuff. That's exactly what I'd do. If I was Leroy, I might change a few numbers. Be more careful.

Yeah, exactly. Lovely take on it there from Frank Skinner. Some people on our street who are friends and neighbours have also been camping together, and I've been on it once. But if memory serves, we didn't set up the tents in the same geometry and formation as the houses, which seems like a missed opportunity, doesn't it? Oh, that is a shame, yeah.

You see, if I was just standing at the bus stop with neighbours, I'd want us to be in the same order as our houses. Yeah, I'm glad it's not just me that thinks like this. Did the Beatles, I was watching the Beatles last night, and I, am I right? Let me review. Am I right in saying... Apparently they're really good.

Yeah. I like them, and Apparently they're really good. I like them. And those haircuts. Yeah. Was it always from left to right, George, Paul, John, and then Bat Row, Ringo? Oh, did they have an Ant and Dec system? Well, I'd only noticed it towards the end of the film,

so I don't know if they were all... I think the Beatles were basically... What made them great was Paul McCartney being left-handed, because for me, the moment that lives is when him and George, and sometimes him and John, sing into the same microphone. There's something very intimate and lovely about it. It's almost like a butterfly picture or something, isn and lovely about it. And that would have been

really... It's almost like a butterfly picture or something, isn't it? Yeah, but that would have been very difficult if Paul had been right-handed. There'd have been too much neck and string and that

in the way. So it's little things that... And possibly in rehearsal they tried it the other way around and it was like dueling banjos, like a sword fight with the guitars. Can I ask one last question, by question by the way yeah i just saw that we we have to have the tv

news on mute in case there's a terrible enormous news story that we have to go to our people for i can't imagine that happening no and and then Fergal Sharkey, the former Undertones person, appeared on. The former Undertones person? Yeah. Yeah.

And, um... The lead singer. He was captioned Fergal Sharkey Commissioner Salmon and Trout Association. Now, I'm all

for retraining, but is this a case of nominal determinism that Fergal Sharkey is working with the salmon and... Yeah, it's the fish world. Him and Nicola Sturgeon were talking about... No, she wasn't anyway, but that is the summer going on there.

Oh, yeah. Anyway... I think he might also play bass. Oh! It's a going on there. Oh, yeah. Anyway. I think he might also play bass. Oh. It's a bit laboured. It's a bit laboured. No, I liked it. I don't think you should have said bass after.

I think you should have left us, trusted us. All right. Trusted us with it. But, you know, I'm being picky. Oh, so look, don't forget the latest episode of my poetry podcast is out this Wednesday. It'll be up. Oh, yeah. And it's available wherever you usually get your podcasts.

That's what you have to say. Robert Frost. Was that the last? Robert Frost was the last one. Oh. A poem about a man who burnt down his own farmhouse in order to spend the insurance money on a telescope. Check it out. Legend.

Okay, so if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.