The Frank Skinner Show - Lee Mack on Absolute Radio

Episode Date: June 26, 2010

This week Lee Mack covers for Frank Skinner. Lee, Emily and Gareth talk mobile discos and parenting skills. This week's guest is We Are Klang and Inbetweeners star Greg Davies.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute Radio. This is Absolute Radio, and it's a station. All aboard for the next train. I'm trying to sound professional, because in the process of getting ready for the next train I'm trying to sound professional Because in the process of

Getting ready for the next bit I've just dropped a phone, moved everything out of the way And looked a little bit like Frank Spencer It was the most chaotic four seconds I've ever witnessed in my life I don't like stuff around me You know when you have stuff around you I find my brain can't cope with too much stuff around me

If I go to the supermarket I feel sick Because there's just too much information Alright, it's not a great catchphrase to start the show. So, I'm Lee Mack and I feel sick in supermarkets. Raise a light. The phone's off the hook, Lee. I've left the phone off the hook. That's a good thing because then the phone won't ring, will it?

Is that good or bad? We leave the phone on the hook. Okay. Good morning, Gareth. Good morning, Emily. How are we? Hi, Lee. It's been a hell of a week, hasn't it?

It has. Last week when I was on, the general mood of the nation was one of utter depression. I'd like to point out this wasn't connected with the fact that I was on, the general mood of the nation was one of utter depression. I'd like to point out this wasn't connected with the fact that I was on. This was me reflecting the situation. Because, of course, England were looking like they might not qualify. But now, how things have changed now. Oh, yeah.

We've effectively won the World Cup, haven't we? Yes, which worries me if that does happen. Because then we'll have to say Sir John Terry, which I personally have a bit of a problem with. Do you think that... What level would they have to get to? What stage would they get the knighthood to come out? I don't know. They'd have to win, wouldn't they? We'd have to win, surely.

Sir John Terry. I liked his save, though. He was that man from Atlantis when he dived in front of the goal. He literally tried to put his face in front of the ball, didn't he? It's a great shot. I like the photograph of his face. He's got, go on, now get past my face. Do you understand this, Gareth? I did, but didn't he just fall's a great shot. I like the photograph of his face. He's just gone, go on now, get past my face. Do you understand this, Gareth?

I did, but didn't he just fall over? Did he definitely do that on purpose? Because I do that quite a lot just walking down the road. Yeah, but Gareth, to be fair,

he did, he sort of fell and then lunged forward. If you fall like that, you're going to look like a lunatic. Falling straight down is fine,

but falling and on the way down thinking, I'll put a bit of thrust into this and I'll be a bit of thrust into this. And I'll be a couple of metres more forward on when people are laughing at me. Gareth, you don't really, you sort of understand it?

Yeah, no, I'm not interested. I'm not that interested. So I hear things, but I don't take them all in. Oh, OK. I don't think football's very... I mean, if I'd have come in this morning and gone, isn't it great that we've won the World Cup? Would you have believed that? Would you have gone, oh, we won it, did we?

Is it that level of... No, yeah, no, I do know that's not true. I don't know if that would be a great thing. Because my wife, you see, she's getting more, over the years, she's got more and more interest in football. But it was better early on, because I could... This is a build-up to a very northern story. My wife, you see, when she watches the football...

That's how you think I speak, like I've just been in a car crash. When she watches the football. That's how you think I speak, wouldn't you? Like I've just been in a car crash. Let's make it more northern. The wife. The wife. The wife. I used to be able to get away with a lot more when I was watching football because she would come in to the living room and say,

do we have to watch football? I'd go, we have to watch football because it's the World Cup final. And she'd say, Hartlepool are in the World Cup final. And she'd say Hartlepool are in the World Cup final. And I'd say, I know, it's incredible. Exactly, I can't miss this, can I? But now she understands it. She understands that clubs don't get into the World Cup. That's in nations. So

it's becoming harder. I had a bit of an incident though, Lee. Did you? Yes. Well, after watching the game I decided to get the tube. Yes, I get the tube occasionally. I bet you've got your own carriage, haven't you? Yes, I have. Reserved.

You don't think there is first class on the tube, but there is. There is now, honey. You just can't see it. What do you mean you can't get an upgrade? Well, this wasn't first class. Because I sat in that tube thing, and the guy opposite me, I have to say I should have been warned. I was tempting fate a bit. He did have a St. George's cross

wrapped around him and his head was lolling in his lap. That's not a great sign that things are going to be okay. So I thought, I'll sit opposite him. Then if anything goes wrong, you know, it won't be so bad.

Well, why would you opt to sit opposite him? I don't know. It was a really stupid decision because then, can you guess what happened? He threw up everywhere, all over my le boutin shoes it was awful le boutin shoes yeah if ever if you want to summarize the difference

in the football fan from 25 years ago to today it's probably that phrase yeah i enjoyed the match until someone threw up all over my le boutin shoes it was awful and i didn't know what of course he's out there telling the same anecdote. Yeah. It was a great match until some idiot in Louboutin shoes stepped into my vomit. Waving her feet in my face. I knew I was in trouble when I looked across and she was wearing her Louboutin shoes and her Gucci handbag,

and I thought I'll sit opposite her in case it all kicks off. I said, I didn't know what to say to him, so I said, disgraceful, because that's all I can think to say. Did you really? Disgraceful. I just went, disgraceful. Well, that cut him down. He won't be doing that again, will he?

Did he say anything back to you? Well, he wasn't capable of speech at that point, but I like to think he was ringing in his ears. Disgraceful, like Joan Sims. Because he probably won't remember the incident. But the word will have gotten into his system, won't it? He'll wake up the next morning thinking he's done something disgraceful

but not sure what it is. It's not the first time that's happened to me with a guy. So you didn't, are you going to watch it tomorrow? Oh yeah, you? You're having a party? Well, I'm having not really a party, because if I say party, it suggests... That you haven't invited us. Exactly? Well, I'm having not a real party, because if I say party, it suggests... That you haven't invited us.

Exactly, but if I say it's a get-together of me and just a few mates, then you'll think, that's all right, it's just the lads, and that's why I've not been invited. The reality is, it is a party, and I've not invited you. But thank God I'm not saying this out loud, and I'm just thinking it, otherwise that would be embarrassing.

Sounds the best. This is Absolute Radio. This next song is dedicated to all of you men called ken do you know i like the that the uh the production team yeah give you a countdown they say five four three and then for the last two they go quiet because they don't want that beat bleeding into the when they turn the mics off and i worked with somebody once a director who used to do that on a tv show but he didn't quite get the idea of it because he used to count you into the sketch. He used to go, five, four, three...

Action! So we're here with Emily and Gareth filling in for Frank Skinner, who's away in South Africa. And we've had a slightly embarrassing moment because you were saying just now that you were going to have a bit of a world cup party weren't you and i made it i made it quite clear and in an honest way yeah all right sorry i haven't invited you yeah and then a master song was on you said well i'd mentioned that i've got a birthday

party coming up and i invited you so do you feel bad now i do feel a bit bad because it's the etiquette i should about now i can't invite you, obviously, because that would be patronising. What do you think, Gareth? I'm, um, I don't, I... Is Gareth invited to the birthday? Gareth's supposed to have died. Gareth's wondering why he's not invited to either party. He was sitting there going, how could you not invite me and I invited you? And Gareth

went, what about me? He went, no, you're not invited. He's going to have to step it up a bit if he wants that invitation. So, you're having your party in London, I assume? I am. You're not going to go out into the provinces? No, no, I'm not going to be doing the provinces. It's in a members club. I'm not going to say which one it is because I don't want fans turning up. The Cubs.

Is it the Cubs? What did you say, members club? Yeah. Can I get in if I'm not a member? Well, if I choose to invite you, you can, yeah. So how many guests can you bring as a member? Well, you won't be bringing any guests. You can bring Tara, your wife. Your wife, you can, yeah. So how many guests can you bring as a member? Well, you won't be bringing any guests. You can bring Tara, your wife, your waif, and that's it.

Her wife, we'll call her. Children aren't allowed. Well, of course they're not. They're not allowed to the party either. So, Lee, I've got a slight stress, though, about this. Because, you know, with music, I do feel people judge you by what music you listen to, and so they should. But I had a nightmare the other night, because I'm having hassles getting the right DJ.

And I had a nightmare that the DJ was playing Simply Red, something got me started over and over again and he wouldn't turn it off. Have you got a problem with Simply Red? Yes, I don't like them. Why? I don't know. It just sums up everything I don't like. Why? Do you like them? Well, I have less strong opinions than most people about Mick Footnail,

but I was listening to... We actually had the window of our living room open and he was singing live around the corner at Hampton Court Palace and it was drifting through the window. Really? Yeah. I was trying to watch the World Cup too.

So then it was a bit irritating. Weren't you a DJ once? I heard a rumour. I was a DJ, yeah. I was a mobile DJ. A mobile, like one of those, ooh, ooh, akalaka, like a boom. To be honest with you, there's no real, there's no other, I don't know why people differentiate between DJ and mobile DJ, because without the mobility, you're not going to be working much.

It's very odd when someone rings up and says, I'm doing a 21st or a bar mitzvah, and you say, I'm more than happy to do, but you're going to have to come to me. I find that the work dries up. So I started adding the word mobile and they thought, hello, he's doing alright, he's got a car. So you go around and I was called, this was in the this was in the 90s.

Right. Close Encounters Roadshow. Why did you call it? Well, because I thought... Did you have those big lights at the front? I did. So it was like people having an alien encounter? Not only that, I used to start the show. Really?

I used to start the show. You didn't? I did. The beginning of the night, picture the scene, you're at your 21st birthday, suddenly everything goes dark. There's five bulbs at the front of the disco and they go... Oh, I feel sick. It's so embarrassing.

And then, hang on. I feel absolutely sick. And it goes... Oh, it's awful. And then... It gets faster and faster. And then the intro to Richard Burton on Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds would kick in.

You know, that bit where he... Well, and then you come on all grooving and hip-shoot. And then right at the end, big pyrotechnic explosion. Let me see you on the dance floor. Something got me started. You'd have loved me. Oh, that got him started. And I've got a photograph of me because I thought I want to expand my business.

I'll get on the cruises, right? Because if you get on the cruises, that's where the money is for mobile DJing. Because of course you don't need to be mobile then. I'm joking, that's the one time when you are mobile but they come to you. Famously. Because you can't start nipping over to places in your boat. And I've got a photograph of me, a publicity shot,

but bear in mind this is not ironic, of me fanning loads of records with a big pair of headphones on and either side of me, four girls in bikinis, fanning records as well. Lee Maxx, Clogs and Cases Roadshow. This is Absolute Radio. That's right, just put it up there.

Temper trap, sweet disposition. Hey, talking of sweet disposition. Thank you very much. Gareth's here. So, Gareth. Hello. We were talking before about DJing, mobile DJs, and cheesy days of the past.

And my fear of Simply Red. Your fear of Simply Red. Are you worried that if you play Simply Red, that people will not dance? Is that your fear? Yeah, I'm very worried. And I'm very worried now that you're coming, and Closing Count is the third kind date.

Let's be very clear about what's happened here. You say I'm coming, you've invited me. Oh! There's still, the jury's out still, isn't it? You look so excited to be invited. What, a private members club with Simply Red? Why wouldn't I want to come? Is there, because we are actually,

we talked before about floor, not cleaners, clearers, floor clearers. The floor cleaners conversation was another one. We decided that a good text would be to text in on 8-12-15 with your favourite floor clearer. And I misunderstood the item and thought you'd said floor cleaner. And I thought, well, it's not a great idea, but OK. Mine's pine-scented bleach with a drop of Dettol.

Gareth, what's your favourite floor cleaner? I like Sainsbury's own. Yes. But then I realised it's floor clearer you were looking for. Yeah, yeah. So songs that, if you put that song on, everyone would desert the dance floor. And have you got any personal ones that you simply read, I'm guessing?

Is that what you do? Yeah. I mean, also, I just am a bit phobic about anything like ABBA songs because it just makes me think of hen nights and girls drinking Bacardi Breezers wearing tiaras. It just makes me feel a bit sick. So you mean there won't be that at your party? No, there won't be ABBA. OK, the makes me think of hen nights and girls drinking Bacardi breezes wearing tiaras. It just makes me feel a bit sick. So you mean there won't be that at your party? No, there won't be ABBA.

OK, the jury's still out then. I quite like a sort of hen night. Do you? Oh, I bet you do. I'll tell you what, this isn't just a link. Talking of floor clearers, right, this is what I found. When I was a mobile DJ, I decided I was going to get with the modern generation of equipment,

I decided to get a bubble machine. This was 20 years ago. This sounds monstrous. It was going to squirt bubbles all over the floor and people were going to go, wow. Imagine that with do, do, do, do, do. Foam party. Exactly. But the problem is, the stuff you use for the bubble machines is really expensive. And I thought, is it really that different from washing up liquid? So I put loads of washing up liquid in it, right, and blasted the floor,

and then spent the whole night watching these waitresses walk across the floor with loads of trays and absolutely slipping everywhere, smashing glasses, and everyone was just crashing to the floor. Oh, it was dreadful. Which, ironically, was the best floor clearer and cleaner. So it all links in together in the end, doesn't it? What don't you like, Gareth?

Well, last week we played Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division. And I thought that song is never appropriate. It's definitely not the first one at a wedding, is it? No. Why would anyone think that could get anyone up and dancing? No, exactly. Mack the Knife I don't like either. Well, I don't like that song anyway. No, exactly. Mac the Knife I don't like either. Well, I don't like that song anyway.

No, well, it's really depressing, isn't it? Well, it's because if I've ever been on any sort of show or interview or anything, it's always the interview. Oh, my God, I've only just got that. You're as sharp as a button, aren't you? Yeah, or Return of the Mac. Oh, do you get that? The word Mac in the title.

McDonald's. Yeah, the McDonald's advert. Anything with the word Mac in it. Advertisements for. The McDonald's advert. Anything with the word Mac in. Advertisements for Raymacs. I'm loving it. Anything like that at all. So, yes, so text us in on 8-12-15. We're talking about floor clearers,

and we're particularly worried for Emily's party, because at the moment it's not sounding like a good one. Absolute Radio. You're listening to Absolute Radio, and whoever that man is, please return my wallet. We're joined, as ever, by Emily and Gareth. We're filling in this morning for Frank Skinner, who's away in South Africa,

and let's hope he stays out there for a while. Now, what I mean by that, obviously, is... No, what I mean is, if he's staying out, it means we're in still, doesn't it? Is that not how it works? Oh, yeah, I see what you mean. I'm guessing, had we been knocked out, I wouldn't be sat here now.

No, I think they're going to stay till the bitter end. Why does it have to be a bitter end, Gareth? Can we just have a bit more positivity from you? You're like a cloud of doom, aren't you? So we've had some texts. That's it. More upbeat radio voice. I'm liking it already.

Everybody Hurts by R.E.M. Yeah, that's a floor clearer. We're talking about floor clearers this morning. Yeah, but you wouldn't play that. Would you actually play that? That depends on the occasion. So what has got to be a song that really is good for dancing but would clear the floor?

Yeah, you can't. I don't think slow... Well, it doesn't make any sense. Slow songs don't count as floor clearers because intrinsically... They are what they are, a floor clearer, because you're not always in a couple, are you? Exactly.

There's one thing you can't do, is do a slow song dance on your own because you look like a lunatic. I have seen it done. Have you ever seen it done? Yeah, unless you do that thing when you're pretending to kiss yourself, you know, and you put the hands round your back. Oh, I love doing that. I'm good at that. It's one of my skills. Then you're going for light-hearted comedy angle. I don't mind that. No, I'm doing it quite seriously, so people think I've got a boyfriend.

Really? But that only works if you're up against a wall. Not in the middle of a dance floor, because half the people think she's got a boyfriend. The other half think she's a lunatic because they're looking at the front of your body and they can see your face. I make it work. I don't mean they can see your face and they think you're a lunatic.

I mean, they can see what you're doing to yourself. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're saying. It also only works if there's other people around to see you doing it. If you do it by yourself, then it's just very sad. But I have seen people doing it just on their own as if, I don't know what they're expecting.

Are they expecting someone to go, could I have the pleasure, madam? Or are they forgetful and they don't know there's no one else there? Do you mind if I cut in? If someone's snogging. So are we getting more emails? A couple more texts on 8.12.15. What have we got, Gareth?

Floor clearer sit down by James. P.S. Can I come to the party, Matt and Guildford? Which party? Your party, yeah. How do you know it's my party, not Emily's party? I think it's... Oh, Matt, can you tell us which one it is? No, we don't need Matt to tell us which one.

No, you can't come, Matt, to any of them. Oh. As far as I'm concerned, he's more than welcome at Emily's party. Right, what's... What's the address, Sam? Let's text Matt and Guildford all of Emily's details. Don't act like I'm the baddie. You don't want these people coming to your party. She's laughing now, Em? Let's text Matt and Gil for all of Emily's details. Don't act like I'm the baddie. She's laughing now, but I can't help thinking

Emily might be glad on the night that Matt's bringing his friends. I will. I'll need you, Matt. You won't have to put your arms around your back. Exactly. Do we have any more emails? Lee, you should... This is from Andy. I never like a sentence that starts, Lee you should dot dot dot i know um andy and hoddeston um lee you should where hoddeston hoddeston hoddeston okay um lee you should low simply read mick hucknall's voice

sounds like a dog being sick into a bag of apricots that is a floor clearer oh that is that is quite a simile i think's quite harsh. I think that's harsh. Why apricots? Exactly. Why can't he just have a dog being sick? Is it because they're orange? Has there ever been a situation in the history of mankind where a dog has been sick and someone's gone he sounds a bit odd, that dog.

What's up with him? Oh, he's been sick in apricots. This is the, this is their, this is your your absolute radio. This is the, this is their, this is your Absolute Radio Now Gareth, your little one I'm talking about your child obviously Gareth, your little one

Gareth, your little one Has just turned one hasn't he We talked about that last week Yeah we're not sleeping very much at the moment Me and you? It's been awkward We're up all night, aren't we? Why aren't you sleeping?

Well, he gets up so early. He's just getting up so early at the moment. Like, five o'clock he'll wake up, something like that, and Laura has to feed him.

But then, he's wide awake. Wide awake. When you say Laura has to feed him, you mean because of the breastfeeding thing? Because of the natural... Oh, not because you're just... I'm not getting up.

I won't touch it. I won't gnear it. So she's having to get up. He's your one. So basically, not really a problem for you. When you say having to get up, though, what do you mean? So he comes and then after he's fed, he's in our bed and he's... So how does he get to your bed?

Stop, stop. What do you mean, Emily, when you say, sorry, what do you mean you have to get up as opposed to what well what i don't understand is you're choosing to get up i mean i'm sorry but if he's choosing to get up are you saying that the baby's crying and that you're saying you have to get up no i'm just saying check it's okay and nothing's wrong with it and then go back to bed without feeding it yeah gareth well i have to wait till mealtimes after feeding he comes in our bed and then what he does is he basically stands because he can't he can stand by himself a little bit but he stands holding the head pod and then just walks up and down on our heads oh that's sweet and bounces up

and down it's not sweet and as you know my't, like, ours are exactly the same and, as you know, my eldest is 14 and he sleeps in his toenail boots. Is it toenail boots or hobnail boots? Hobnail boots. You don't like toenail boots? I like toenail boots. You could have steel toe caps.

Yeah, no, well, our kids come into our bed. You see, the thing is, yeah, it's fine, you know, the bottom line to it is they're like a hot water bottle. Yeah, but I think when, I'm sorry, but when

They leak. When these parents, when these parents complain and go, oh, I've had no sleep, I just think, well, I'm sorry, but you elected to let the thing come in your bed. It came into your bed. You allowed it to do that. That's how the baby happened in the first place. Well, exactly. If you've got any opinions about what Emily's

saying, it's 8.12.15. You're not electing for them to come in your bed. They sometimes come in. I mean, famously, small children can walk. They sometimes get out and get in your bed. 15 you're not electing them to come in your bed they sometimes come in there's i mean famously small children can walk they sometimes get out and get in your bed and you might not know until they've got to learn to be independent i saw a documentary on kerry it's got all their own breakfast they know you know they look after themselves dress themselves predominantly an iceland diet it's just pop it in the oven so easy mum's gone to Iceland she can't

she's not there to help out but um I think Em should have her own parenting show yeah super auntie I don't see why I don't see why you think

that it's a choice though to feed them in the night they're not they're not I mean they're not snacking I'm not saying oh I want a biscuit there is a school of thought

that says you should leave a baby to cry and they're being manipulative by crying. That's what I think. There's basically two schools of thought, isn't there? Some people think you should leave children on their own and just let them get on with it. Other people think if they're crying,

bring them straight to the metaphorical or literal bosom. I'm the latter, don't you think? I say carve out your own way in life. Start early. Make your own breakfast. Get your own tea. No need to learn to support me. Get your own tea. Yeah, yeah, exactly. No one's coming to help.

I'm looking forward to it. Oh, can I just say, there's some people texting in and supporting me, but we'll go to that. Oh, wait, well, let's hear from the lunatics in a moment. Don't you be go-go. The boss. Lee was dancing around to that.

It was getting a bit rude. Yeah, I was getting quite into that. I don't like the fact that people call him the boss. boss not my boss no frank skin is my boss well frank skin is everybody's boss yeah do you know what you are what you're the supervisor oh i like being a supervisor yeah i'm the work unlike every supervisor uh in the world the nation is starting to hate you because you've. Because you've said on there that you think a child should be left alone if crying and you shouldn't start money coddling them.

Well, you split the nation. Split the nation. Well, yeah, you split the nation between the 99% of people that now hate you and the 1% that aren't really interested in what you have to say. It's not true, people, no. Emily clearly has no kids.

It's never as easy as that. How could you tell? Mike in Surrey. You clearly have no kids. That's Mike from Surrey. That's the voice of the nation. I'd agree that I clearly have no kids. Yes. Mike from Surrey. That's the voice of the nation. I'd agree that I clearly have no kids. Look how awesome I look today.

You're so hands-off with the kids that maybe you have and you've forgotten. Maybe they're going, Mum, I haven't eaten for four days. And you're going, look after yourself. And how did you learn to speak at three days old? Well, exactly. They haven't given their name, these people.

But they're totally with you, Emily. If you wanted to sleep, you shouldn't have had kids. Ha ha. Oh, that's my boyfriend. Boyfriend. Who else? Rob. Robin collecting eggs in Sunny Devon.

So working in an IVF clinic. He's doing what in Sunny Devon? Collecting eggs. Collecting eggs. What do you mean collecting eggs? That's a bit vague, isn't it? Is this a bit of fun? Is it something illegal to do with eagles?

Well, that's what happens. That's how you spend your Saturdays when you have kids. You can't collect. Collecting eggs suggests that you're going into birds' nests. Well, they don't come to you. They haven't got feet. You have to go and get them the eggs. Especially if you're Emily's eggs. Emily's eggs are left on their own.

You wouldn't even sit on an egg, would you, if you were a chicken? You'd just go and sit near the radiator. Get yourself a light bulb. If they were Fabergé eggs, I would. Oh, someone else has agreed with me. Can we read out the one? I'm with Emily on parenting issue. If baby is fine, then why should you make your life hell

by having it jump over your face? Quite. That's resulting in lack of sleep. That's from Emily David in Nottingham. I don't think people have sussed out the idea that if you don't let them walk on your face, that you have to go to their bedroom so there is still lack of sleep. I should just... Well, if you put

music on to drown it out, you don't. Oh, the music's not to comfort them, it's to drown it out. Well, a bit of both. Oh, brilliant. We've got Greg Davies coming up after nine o'clock. Greg Davies from The Inbetweeners. Oh, I like him. And we are playing. He's a very funny man. He's massive, by the way. He's big.

Is he? I don't mean... well, I was going to say, I don't mean in the world of comedy. He is massive in the world of comedy. But he's also a big man. He's the tallest person in the world. All right. Is he taller than Stephen Merchant? He's the tallest person I know.

He's actually very similar in height to Stephen Merchant, yeah. And he's big as well, Gareth. Not Gareth. Gareth. Gareth's not big. Greg's a big man, so he's not just tall, he's wide He's disproportionately He's just walked in

He's walked in past the window He's got his tummy out He's walked in and he's got his tummy out He's as wide as he is tall He's disproportionate It's a bit like we are now in Lilliput Don't call him disproportionate, he's massive He'll kill you

He likes to be brought on as the disproportionate Greg Davis. He's a huge man in presence, in stature and the way he holds you. He's right behind you. Oh, hi Greg. So, yes, we've got Greg coming up after 9 o'clock. Please keep your texts coming in on 8, 12, 15.

We're talking about Emily's attitudes towards parenting, which is basically suspect, to say the least. This is Absolute Radio and it's a station all aboard for the next train. We've got Gareth and Emily here on Absolute Radio and we're here filling in for Frank. Well, I say we, you're always here. Yeah, we're permanent fixtures.

You're part of the furniture. We're like gargoyles on the building. I feel like I'm babysitting and a very neglectful parent has gone to South Africa. I say very neglectful. You, of course, wouldn't have a problem with that. Because your attitudes to parenting are somewhat slacker than what most people would regard as legal. Giving you a little insight into my own upbringing. Are we left alone a lot?

Is that the problem? Are you an only child? No. Oh, you've come across as one. Which is a good thing. That means I'm a high achiever is that what it means? only children are high achievers yeah

thanks for the compliment inadvertent though it was we've had further further texts on 8, 12, 15 I'm with Emily on parenting issue if baby is fine

then why should you make your life hell by having it jump over your face have we had that one? I think we have unless it's the same person who feels really passionate about that.

I'm going to keep saying this until the law changes. Robin in Sunny Devon, he said, hello, yes, it's a free-range poultry farm. He was the one collecting eggs. They lay 10,000 eggs a day. Oh, I thought they meant individually, each chicken. One chicken. That's brutal. I do like a free-range egg, though, don't you?

I'd love to have chickens. I can't tell the difference. Can you tell the difference? Between a chicken and a what? Between free-range and... Oh, of course you can taste the difference, yeah. When you crack open a battery egg, they scream. You break it into the pan, they literally go... I don't like it when there's a little feather on them.

Oh, I like the little feather. Oh, do you? Yeah, because it suggests... I think that what they're doing, the free-range factory, not factory, the free-range... Yeah, stick a feather on. They're pulling them off a budgie, licking them, sticking them on. Yeah, that's what we do. Or a feather boa.

Maybe they're wearing that as they do them. That's what they do. We've had another text. Emily, please read the book called Why Love Matters by Sue Gell. Sorry. Before you have children. No, no time. Surely you've got time before you have children.

Ignoring young children's needs, prioritising your own over theirs, negatively affects their brain development. Can I just say to this lady who's texted in, I completely agree with you, but keep it light, love. It's a light-hearted feature. We're just killing a bit of time between records.

We don't want to kick off here. I'm completely on your side, but you know, lighten up, princess. The type of parenting you are advocating is neglectful and damaging. Gareth is being a responsive parent. If only there were more parents like him, we would have less problems in society. Debatable. Can we change the subject to your favourite suite from the 1980s?

Because it's all taken a turn, this, isn't it? That's Sarah, health visitor, midwife, lactation consultant. Lactation consultant? That's a job, isn't it? Lactation consultant. Didn't you train for that, Lee? Yeah, yeah. Well, I've been told now.

Oh, lactation consultant. The most amazing thing about lactation, and you don't realise this until you're a parent, is that it doesn't come out as one... No, I don't think this is suitable for HR50. It comes out like the garden sprayer. No, stop talking about it. It does, it comes out completely...

Stop it, it makes me ill. Stop it, it makes me ill. Stop it, it makes me ill. Stop it. Stop it, I don't want to know. The only way to describe it is if you were to hold on to the end of the hose... Oh my God, that's disgusting. Stop it.

...and then prick it loads of times with a pin. Oh my God, stop it. Don't call them the hose, Lee. Why fear the breast, Emily? What do you fear about the breast? You're scared of children, you're scared of breasts. This is Absolute Radio. That's right, just put it up there.

Absolute Radio. Greg has just walked into the room. Greg Davis of the Inbetweeners and We Are Clang. Yes, I am. I am that Greg Davis. And I'm guessing with every interview you do, it starts off with, You're big, aren't you? Yeah.

Well, we're going to do that. It's rubbish radio, though. It's rubbish radio, isn't it? No, we've got the cameras here so we can see how big you are. The stalker camera. You can go on absoluteradio.co.uk to see the freakish gate of Greg. Because Greg is so big. I have got a freakish gate as well.

You had to duck when you came into the door, didn't you? Yes, I did. You're properly big. I'm actually a British standard door height. You might be interested to learn that. Oh, you really? Oh, I love heights like that. It would just be annoying,

because that would mean you can just about get under. Yeah, you've got to time it, that's all. You've got to time it. Depending on the time it. You've got to time an entrance to a door, because there's some natural... Is there an up and down movement? There's a raising of when one walks, isn't there?

To get that forward foot off the ground. Yeah. Or you could just not wear shoes because that would take that little... It's that thing, my mate wanted to be in the police. He wasn't tall enough. He went back in the morning and he was tall enough. Because you're taller in the morning than you are in the evening. Did you know that? That's true, you are because you're...

I don't believe that. You are, you're taller in the morning. By what, Lee? Two millimetres? No, no, no, believe me, this is a fact. You are actually different of a foot. That is true. Greg has just walked in at six foot eight. I guarantee you'll walk out of this interview five foot six.

Well, that's how he'll feel. That's nice. When you've finished with him. So, yes, Greg Davis from the wonderful sketch group We Are Clang. Yes. You're favourites in our house. We love you in our house. You've reached the stage in our house where we do your catchphrases.

Really? We say, per Jonathan. Me and my wife call each other per Jonathan. Oh, I was going to say you and the kids. No, no, no. Me and my fully equipped mental... Adult. Fully adult wife.

Mentally equipped wife. Right. Quote, we call each other Pajonathan, because you know your Pajonathan thing. Yes. This won't make any sense to anyone listening, they don't know what I'm talking about. But part of your thing,

and so now we call each other Pajonathan when we're having sex. Do you? No, we don't. I've took it too far. Oh my God, Lee! Greg doesn't want to know that. Of course he wants to.

I do, actually. Okay. That's literally the only reason I came here. It's the millions of people listening that don't want to know it. It's funny though, isn't it? When something like that comes up, you do instantly get a very powerful image of what's been described to you. And I am now imagining you doing that.

Oh, Greg! It's all right. No, it's all right. No, I've just done it as well. He's thinking of me as a gimp and my wife with a dragon-legged hunchback. You picture the whole thing. It's a good game you can play with people, actually. It's called Image Plant.

If you just say anything grotesque, it'll pop into someone's head. Well, let's do that. That's the texting. That's the texting. Yeah, texting an image that you think is hideous. So, Greg, you've got your first Edinburgh solo show. Yeah, I have. First solo stand-up show.

Why am I going, Lee? Well, because you obviously want to have a breakdown and lose a fortune. That's it. That's it. I was feeling far too stable and wealthy. Yeah, yeah. You looked at your career with We Are Clang and In Between and thinking, this is going too well.

I'm going to mess this up. I know. I'll do a solo show. I don't need those other losers. Right. Yeah. I'll see what I'm like. You said to the others, if this goes well, I won't be needing you.

And then, after Edinburgh, tail between your legs, you're going to have to go back to the door. Yeah. Lads, I'm like. You said to the others, if this goes well, I won't be needing you. And then, after Edinburgh, tail between your legs, you're going to have to go, knock on the door. Yeah. Lads, I'm sorry. Can I come back? It's interesting, isn't it? Because you're joking,

but that's, you know, pretty much... That's pretty much what might happen. Yeah. That's how it's been billed, is it? We've got loads of questions to ask you. Have you? Well, not loads. Oh, yeah, we've got about four.

We've got about four, and three of them are about your height. Right. Right,? Well, not low. Oh, yeah, we've got about four. We've got about four and three of them are about your height. Right. Right, so we'll get sorted out. But if you... I'll tell you what,

we'll have a little ab break and then we'll ask Greg about his Jolly Green Giant advertising days. You're listening to Absolute Radio and whoever that man is, please return my wallet.

It's Lee Mack here on Absolute Radio. You can text us on 81215. We've asked you to text in and comment on what you think of Emily's parenting skills. Not that she's got children. And we've had a text, an interesting one, that says... It says, Margaret Thatcher on a cold day.

That's how she's been described. Yeah, very happy with that description. I think that's a good image, you know. Or is that Maggie with a fully hammed scarf on? Is that when we ask people to text in dreadful images to picture? Yeah. I think I can't decide. We're also joined by Greg Davis from Inbetweeners fame.

Have you been watching the World Cup, Greg? Are you into it? Do you know what? This is really tragic. I'm only into the internationals, but because I know nothing about football, I've got a series of friends who write out things for me to shout in pubs, so I feel like one of the gang.

I'm not joking. A little cue card. What kind of things? Come on the boys. Stuff like that, yeah. Of course, great bit of bloke, isn't it? Great bit of bloke! I've been doing it for years. My favourite one was in, what was in 96? That was my favorite one was in the was it what was in 96

that was a big one wasn't it that was euro 96 the clue sometimes in the name of the year i um i shouted uh in a pub really loudly i shouted paul it's doing well despite his italian form and and a load of luxury went yeah yeah yeah like yes normal. And I'm like, yes, at last. I'm like a normal man. So sometimes I carry them around with you for other occasions. There's all sorts of things I do privately. Like if you're on a date, if you go, how's the food? Well, you go, well, it's not bad considering Paulin's Italian form. Oh, no, sorry, wrong cue cards. I haven't tried it in different contexts, but I will.

Yeah, yeah, always keep it in the context of the football. And, of course, you are a player. Really tall. You're very tall. You're phenomenally tall you call Peter Crouch Titch and Greg's in the in-betweeners

which Gareth and I love you love the in-betweeners yeah I love it and Greg's fabulous in it and my friend Ian writes it he's good isn't he Ian Morris yes

yeah he's alright have you got a problem with Ian Morris is there a bit of tension no he's just a strange bloke oh he's lovely he told me he got off with one of the gladiators

he didn't which gladiator he wouldn't tell me. Hunter. I bet it was Wolf. Yeah. He looks like a wolf man, doesn't he? He does, yeah.

I can imagine him getting off with a wolf. Yeah. And do you, because you play the teacher, don't you? Is there a moment in your life where you go, I'm being asked to play the teacher, not the kids, and you realise you're getting old? Well, no, because I used to be a teacher, Lee, so. You did used to be a teacher? Yeah. What did you teach?

I don't know. I mean, nominally, I taught drama. Did you really? Were you a drama teacher? I was, yeah. So weren't you very academic at school? I was in the room with them. Do you have to be qualified to teach drama?

Or do you just have to be a bit left wing? Do you know, I didn't even get a teaching degree. I just applied to a school that was so bad that they just went, yeah, you're human, yeah. It's a classroom, yeah. And have you got, is the stories of the horrible kid that you nurtured and he went into Phantom of the Opera, or is it just generally not like...

Is it not a Billy Elliot? What, the whole thing? My whole teacher's doing that. Oh, I picture you sort of... It was 13 years of me crying alone. Oh, I pictured you... Crying alone outside a classroom. Sounds like my kind of teacher.

With your legs spread and a big stick, hitting it on the ground going, drama's where you have to pay in sweat. Oh, right. And it down yeah it's funny the images you have but it wasn't that it was desperately you know i've got to stop going i keep going on things and slagging off teaching i quite enjoyed it really it's all right is it better than stand-up no it's a similar job isn't it no it's not better than stand-up i used to be it's not better than selling bacon in the street for me personally strange job, Greg. I like the sound of it, though.

I might start doing that. We know a guy who can get you some eggs as well. Yeah. Buy your bacon here. I was a teacher for four weeks. I was, honestly. I was a teacher at... No, you weren't.

I wasn't. Is this like your mobile DJ fantasy? No, I was a teacher... Just before you were arrested. There is a type of teaching you can do where you need one day's training. You teach English to foreign students. All you need to do is

you need to read it out from a book and it was in Oxford Street and basically I just stood there and I would read it out and you'd get these people. Was this at the Scientology building? Yeah. It was in a property. It was £1.50 a lesson so you can imagine the kind of standard. £1.50? Yeah, but there was about 30 teachers in the class.

And my cut was about a tenner. The school get the rest. Everyone's a winner. Right. And it was full of people that didn't speak very good English, obviously. So I got away with my lack of knowledge of the English language. But every now and again, you'd get an Austrian student. Right.

They'd go, is that the post-pro-adjective? You know, one of these fancy terms. Did they ask you what the word for basement was? And then I would go, just say pencil and dog, repeat after me. And they'd go, but we need to know about, you know, we need to know about verbs and adjectives. And I was going, just say dog, just say dog.

And they'd go, dog, look, I can speak fluent English. I go, you're in the wrong class, love. Excuse me, sir, how do you say my teacher is an imposter? This is the, this is their, this is your, your... Absolute Radio. We're here with Greg Davies, who I've always said looks like a very gigantic version of Rick Mayall. Have you been told that before?

I've only ever been told it after every single one of my gigs is that all yeah oh well it's good you don't gig much otherwise you get sick of the question yeah do you think i think it's weird though because i never looked like him as a kid and then he was a child no but you know i'd still resemble yeah in some way it's not like you can't look like rick male but he was a big hero of mine during childhood and then as an adult I've morphed into looking a bit like him. Yeah. But now you're doing

so well in comedy people are saying doesn't Rick Mayall look like a thin Greg Davies? Yeah. They're not saying thin they're saying small. Small.

But they say that you are the tallest man in the world aren't you? Someone came up to me and asked me for an autograph recently and went oh you're cool. I used to love

Bottom and stuff. Are you sure you weren't You weren't on Hampstead Heathway? He's 15. I wonder why he put his fingers into my nostrils. I wonder what that was. So, yeah, so we're here with Greg Davies. He was doing his first...

See the way I moved it on quickly? He's doing his first... It's still out there, though, we're here with Greg Davies, who's doing his first... See the way I moved it on quickly? He's doing his first... It's still out there, though, isn't it? It's always still out there on Hamster Bee. You're doing your first solo show at Edinburgh. Give us the details. Let's get some promo in here. Give us some administration.

It's called Firing Cheeseballs at a Dog. I'm doing the Edinburgh run. It's called what? And then I'm doing Firing Cheeseballs at a Dog. Why? Do you know what? As soon as I pressed send, I regretted it. Did. It's called what? And then I'm doing Firing Cheeseballs at the Dog. Why? Do you know what? As soon as I pressed send, I regretted it. Did you?

Really? Yeah. Why? I think it's an awful title. It's nothing to do with the show. I mention it for five seconds and move on. It's a true story. You did do it.

I did do it, yeah. You didn't hurt the dog, I hope. No, cheeseballs wouldn't hurt no matter what you fired them from. That's not true. I don't know what they are, cheeseballs. You could hurt something with a cheese ball. Or a snack. What about an ant?

What if you fired a cheese ball at an ant? Yeah, but it's not called firing cheese balls at an ant. It's called firing cheese balls at a dog. I meant the insect, not a relative. What do you mean? If you fired a cheese ball at your auntie, that would cause a lot of problems. Yeah. Wouldn't it?

Especially if it was at Christmas dinner and she's going, look, are we going to talk or what? And you just go, constantly. How do you fire a cheese ball, anyway? Out of a catapult? Of course, I'm an idiot. Sometimes you ask questions, you realise it's obvious, isn't it? How else would you fire a cheese ball? I know you'd fire a cheese ball anyway? Out of a catapult? Of course, I'm an idiot. Sometimes you ask questions, you realise it's obvious, isn't it? How else would you fire a cheese ball?

I know you'd fire a cheese ball, Emily. Your children would say, stop asking for food, open your mouth and see if you can catch any of this. You're almost right, but my servant would do it. Of course. I missed all this, but I'm glad you were taking a hard line on children. Really? Are you not a children fan? You're a teacher. Were you a hard teacher? Oh, ruthless. Were you? Yeah, yeah, all sorts of

illegal stuff. Okay, here were a teacher. Were you a hard teacher? Oh, ruthless. Were you? Yeah, yeah. All sorts of illegal stuff. Okay, here's the weather. So, I'm doing a tour in the autumn, Lee. You are doing a tour, yes. Yeah. I imagine that's going to need to sell a few tickets. Yes. Where are you touring? All over the country. All over? Are you going to Bognor? Yeah, probably.

Well, that's not... Have you plugged a tour before? You don't want to be going Bognor, probably. What you need is definites and dates. People aren't going to be out there with Yeah, probably. Well, that's not... Have you plugged a tour before? You don't want to be going, Bognor, probably. What you need is definites and dates. People aren't going to be out there with a pen and paper going, oh, I wonder if he's going to this... Just look it up. Yeah.

The important thing is... Greg, are you going to be anywhere near the London area? Yes. Oh, good. I'll come and see you then. Oh, well, that's all right then. Yeah. We can go out hitting kids afterwards.

I'm joking. Have you got have you got have you got a website no no I've got a Facebook page okay that's

it's very 2006 and there's all manner of information about my tour on the internet yes yeah okay

well see if we just type in Greg Davis firing cheese balls at a dog and go on YouTube you'll be able to see that that's all you need okay

well to be honest, yeah, if you'd put all the clips together you'd probably see about half of it. Well, should we go and see Greg on tour? I'm up for it.

Yeah. Gareth, do you want to make a bit of a date of it? Yes, that'd be good. We'll all get back together again and talk about the old days. Why not?

Yeah, when England won the World Cup. That'd be lovely, wouldn't it? Greg, thank you very much for coming in. Lee, thank you so much for having me.

Good luck at Edinburgh. Thanks. And just carry on being what you are, which is slightly too big. OK. Do, yo, be, go, go. We've just been talking off about Emily's puppies, haven't we? Flea?

And, er... You're making it sound all rude. All right, you're one puppy. OK. Flea, that sounds worse. The one on the left. I'm a big fan of the one on the left. The one on the right, I'm not having it.

I feel really self-conscious now. Well, you know, put them away. How about that for an idea? What are the rules about sexual harassment on Absolute Radio? Where's the rules? I don't know. I'm sure Lee's breaking at least 12 of them. So, yeah.

Not that sort of puppy. It's not actually my puppy. It's my sister's puppy. Right. Well, it's actually my niece's and it's called giggle oh he's so cute what kind of name is that for a dog well isn't that a baby hyena no he's a hyena did i say hyena me me my niece named him he's a chug so he's half pug half chihuahua is that what you call it yeah that would be annoying if you were one of them and and you thought you were

going to get the name powwow which is a good name isn good name, isn't it? My name, Pow-Wower. No, no, we're going with Chug. What? Pow-Wower's got impact. Hi, girls. Pow-Wower. You make it sound worse. Chug.

Chug. But, oh, my God, Lee, Giggle turned out to be the best wingman ever because I met so many guys. When you say wingman, you mean in a Ryan Giggs sense? Well, I mean like a pulling partner. So when I was going around walking him, guys just come up to you, Hi, can I take a look at your dog? And you go up to you, hi, can I take a look at your dog?

And you go, yeah, why not? Can I take a look at your... People honestly come up to you and go, hi, can I take a look at your dog? What's his name? Why do you have to ask if you can take a look at a dog when you're looking at the dog? What if he'd have gone, no, would he have closed his eyes and run off? They go, how old is he?

And then next thing you know, you go, yeah, okay, I'll meet you about 8 o'clock. That's what I always reply. And then he goes, that's a bit awkward. You don't even have the little bit in the middle. Hi, can I have a look at your dog? I'll meet you at 8 o'clock. I'm not desperate. Do you want to hear about my attitudes towards child rearing? As they run screaming into the forest.

That makes me very popular with men, my attitudes towards child rearing. So did you meet? Did you pull? I'm going to say the Fifth Amendment on that, Lee. No, then. I did very well. Oh, I also met the woman from Outnumbered. Hang on, you can't say I did very well. It's a definite yes or no.

Did you pull? Did you get a date out of it? I pulled on four occasions. Four in one day? Did you? Did you swap numbers? I did. You swapped numbers with a man walking around the park on his own

asking if he can have a look at your dog. Do you not think that's possibly dangerous? Oh, yeah, you met your wife, where, at a mobile disco? Playing Closing Counters? I didn't meet my wife at a mobile disco, actually. You met her in Redrum Stable when you were a stable boy? Yeah, I was mucking out and there she was. Where did you meet your wife?

I met my wife at university actually That shocked you didn't it? Oh you went to university Alright I actually went to the same university as Greg our guest Why didn't you talk about that? Because I'd forgotten

I'd forgotten and it was all too late What university was it? Well it was Brunel University but to be honest with you at the time Brunel? Yeah

I think my dad went to Brunel What do you mean your dad? You think your dad went there? And if I'm going to be honest when I went it wasn't called Brunel It was do you mean your dad? You think your dad went there? And if I'm going to be honest, when I went, it wasn't called Brunel. It was called the West London Institute of Higher Education, which I know sounds a little bit like somebody who's not got the correct academic qualifications. I've always thought you should be institutionalised.

Oh, thank you very much. This is Absolute Radio. That's right, just put it up there. The jam, going underground. You won't be going underground again, Emily. Someone was sick on your feet, weren't they? You didn't like that, did you? Meeting the people, the real people.

I didn't mind the people, just not the sick people. Oh, you don't like the sick people. And yet, weirdly, you happen to walk around a park meeting strange men like your dog. That's what I'd call the sick people. Well, this is it. This is my last conversation with you. I've been on for two weeks

Oh me Why was that your last conversation with us? Or your blankus in the street? No, no, I literally meant This is the last conversation with you This is it This will be it It's going to be awkwardly silent

Yeah, yeah As we walk out When we meet We can only really converse Every time we play the record There's an awkwardness We know that So when we come back

We're up again, aren't we? So when I see you in the street Unless you're saying Hey, how's the weather? And I can you in the street, unless you're saying, hey, how's the weather? And I can go, weather's looking fine, traffic. Then it's going to be awkward. That'll be it.

Will it be like your relationship with your cat, which you told me about during the last thing? I'm a bit more distant from my cat than I used to be. But if you have children, you realise, you start moving away from the animals a little bit. You only have so much love to give. Yeah, I don't, I can't, you know, I can stroke it now, i can give it a bit of whiskers but or any of the major cat food brands but then i find i just don't their bond is gone he's looking at me he knows that there's okay it's not that i don't care if

anyone wants a cat yeah or a five-year-old child lee Lee, we've really enjoyed having you on. You've been one of my favourite of all the clients I've had. And we've got another client next week, Al Murray. Al Murray will be joining you next week, yes. And he won't put up with any of your nonsense. He's got a more Brigadier quality than me. He'll come down hard on you, on your ass. He's got kids. He won't like your attitude, Emily.

He'll do as he's told. You're much more of an earth father aren't you gareth yes yes you're taking your children swimming at the moment aren't you not now that would be neglectful yes they're in the swimming pool i'm here i've got to pop back into me yeah on their own yes you took your swimming this week he didn't like it very much at first i timed it wrong he needed a nap really and i just got everything ready and then so when we got in the pool he he just cried and cried. Your timing's well out, because in the middle of the night,

he's running up and down your bed going, where's the diving board? He is. That's the problem. That's the headboard. No, I want the diving board. Yeah. And you tell me something I've never heard of before,

family changing rooms. Family changing rooms. So there's man changing rooms, woman changing rooms, and family changing rooms. But does that mean the men and the women are in the same changing room getting their clothes on? Well, there's cubicles. There's cubicles. I like instead of male and female, you say man changing rooms, woman changing rooms, and family changing rooms. But does that mean the men and the women are in the same changing room? Well, there's cubicles. I like instead of male and female, you say man changing room, woman changing room.

Are you Cat Weasel? I look for man changing room. Woman changing room. I don't know what that is. Cat Weasel. Oh, Cat Weasel was great. Oh, it was great. It was a long, long time ago.

Yeah, it was like a wizard with bad hair. Russell Brand. Yes, he's a bit like Cat Weasel. Oh, Cat Weasel was great. It was great. It was a long, long time ago. Yeah, it was like a wizard with bad hair. Russell Brand. Yes, he's a bit like Cat Weasel. And we were in the area. There's cubicles and then there's an area for like, and a woman took her costume off. Naked? Revealed herself. Completely

topless. Everything? Completely topless. Not everything, but topless everything completely topless where is this place but topless oh isn't that was this in the woman changing room or in the man changing the family changing the family oh okay so you go in the family changing room and people get undressed in front of each other i've never heard of this no well no they don't i don't think they should but what i don't think she was supposed to be doing that basically is what i'm saying i think i think sometimes a mom gets past caring why don't think she was supposed to be doing that, basically, is what I'm saying. I think sometimes a mum gets past caring. Why don't you take your children... I thought you were going to say gets past it.

Surely you take your children into the dad's changing room or the mum takes the children into the mum's changing room. I couldn't even see that she had any kids. I think it was just a street cat. Can I ask you a question? This wasn't Emily, was it? I didn't see her face, so... Was this woman shouting out in a slightly manic voice, I don't like kids, does anybody want to see my puppet?

I was sick on her feet. Well, after she took the top off. Oh, come on, let's keep it light. Keep it light. It's been lovely. What a way to finish off with an image of you taking your clothes off in the swimming pool while someone vomits on your feet. I'll leave you with that.

Yes. We can only finish off by saying, what chance England tomorrow? Yeah. Who are they playing? Germany. What's the event? Yes, they're playing Germany. Yeah.

You think we've got any chance? Have they ever played them before? I think, Gareth, you should stop talking. Not really. But can you predict any sort of scoreline, do you think, Gareth? Would you have any clue as to what? Get it in the ballpark figure.

Do you think Milner in place of Lennon again? That worked very well, didn't it? 7-2. Yeah. 7-2? No, that's his formation. 7 at the back, 2 at the front, 1 sent off. He's got it all worked out.

That's a rather defensive attitude, but I like what you're saying. Emily, have you got any thoughts of the score? I'm going to say we're going to win. I think it'll be a bit more, I think, 3-2 to us. 3-2? Well, that's optimistic, I would say. I've got a horrible feeling it's going to penalties. Oh no, don't say that. Did you see David Chex talking about

penalties? Wasn't that brilliant in the interview yesterday? He said it's all about the preparation. It's all about the preparation. It's all about knowing what you're talking about. It's all about the preparation. It's a bit like when we played Slovakia. I mean Slovenia! That's not what you want to hear from the goalkeeper, is it? He's talked about knowing about the other players and didn't remember who

we played in the last game. But we'll be fine. I've got a feeling we're going to win this on penalties. Is that too much to ask for? Just once? Could we do that? Let's hope. Emily Garrett, thank you so much. It's been more than a pleasure. If Frank is ironically eaten by three lions in South Africa,

you just give me a call and I'll bring my kids along. You can do the crash bit, Emily. You're definitely on the list. Me and Gareth are going to go to the family changing rooms. I'm liking the sound of that. Absolute Radio. This is Absolute Radio and it's a station all aboard for the next train.