The Frank Skinner Show - Lenny Lottery

Episode Date: February 27, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank had duvet slippage issues and has been nominated for an award. The team also discuss Britain’s ‘unluckiest woman’, golden eggs and rollerbladers.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our little show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Okay, as I was driving in this morning I heard an Absolute Radio website. Okay. As I was driving in this morning, I heard an Absolute Radio jingle. You know, I'm a big fan of Matt Berry

and his jingle art, as I like to think of it. Yes. And it was something like... One of his, you know, he's fabulous, rich. I always think of it as a sort of autumnal-collared voice he's got. Oh, rich. I always think of it as a sort of autumnal collared voice he's got. And then it said Absolute Radio Bush,

Dave Berry, Leona. And then it ended. I was just left hanging. Was there no Skinner? No. That's the trouble with Saturday. I don't think they know we come in on a Saturday morning. I think it's like we're squatting here.

There's never anyone in the building. We just come in, sneak in, do a radio show. I don't think anyone's told them about it. Do you think they've just forgotten we're doing a show? It's like sort of Winesworth. We just talked about it in a little warehouse somewhere. Wayne's World Party. Sorry. They did set up a direct

debit for the fees and then they've just forgotten that it's going like gym membership. We're the Virgin Active radio show. That must be, that's a dream, isn't it? That when you when you you hear these tales, this, when you buy into something like a gym or subscribe to a magazine

and they don't realise you've stopped paying. And you have that panic. First you have that mixed panic of I'm getting this free or am I paying for it and haven't realised. But when you realise you're getting it free, it's one of the best things in the world, like all free things. Yeah. Really tremendous. Listen, i want to ask your help and this might sound um a bit domestic okay but you know um dot dot dot so um i love i love that you've apologized to all the 90s lad families yeah i, I've been having a lot of problems,

really, not my whole life, but... Wow. But with duvet issues. Oh, yeah. And I'm talking about slipping. You've got problems in the bedroom, that's what you're talking about on I've got problems in the bedroom. On national radio.

Yeah. And what happened, I'm sure this must happen to everyone. I think I might leave you gentlemen alone to discuss this while I go off and pan my nose. So I get duvet slippage. So what happens is I put the new duvet cover on. It's lovely. You go to sleep that night.

It envelops you like a light cloud. It's a beautiful thing. And then within a few nights, the duvet within the cover has sort of moved into one section. I tell you what, it's like sleep. You know when somebody gives you the keys to a house or something, they put it in an envelope? It's like sleeping under that.

A big version of that. I call it the slug. It's the most, because I don't realise it until I've actually got into bed the lights are off i don't really register it and then i don't want to i don't want to start my day again i don't want a sort of a status quo false ending to my day so i lie there the other night the top half of my body was just duvet cover covered and the bottom half you know when you used to see cowboys, they didn't get shot, but their horse was shot.

And they were on the floor, pinned on, their legs were pinned onto the horse. They couldn't move. It was like, it's the most annoying. I'm putting it on my list of pet hates, as they say.

Along with pets, ironically. Yeah, if anyone's got an answer to it, I would really love to... I mean, it doesn't happen with the keys in the envelope, fine, but I've never got a letter in an envelope that has slid into one corner of the envelope. And a duvet is more like a letter, isn't it? It's a flat thing.

Why does it move about at all? Well, what we're saying, Frank, is why don't the duvet makers create a technology where the quilt is somehow affixed to the cover? Yes. Thank you. I actually started thinking. Well, Kat said to me, because I asked her about this at length,

and she said, I think I have a message. I just tried to get her talking. There we go. She's had a memory of duvet covers or duvets with, like, a button on each corner. And there used to be an attendant loop, but I have no memory of that. Anyway, if anyone's got an answer to it, I've come up with a few theories, but I haven't actually tried them out yet.

I'm thinking of starching it completely flat. But honestly, if anyone can stop duvet slippage, let me know on 812.15. Hey, you've lit up the switchboard with your duvet slippage. I hope so, because this is a genuine... Occasionally in my life, I will say, the readers will help me with this. I mean, it's a genuine service.

Indeed. What have we got? They're what I would call a great resource. Well, 398 has said, is Frank using best practice to apply the duvet cover? Perhaps he could say something about his technique. OK, I'd tell you what I'd do. There's criticism in there, if ever I heard it. I think there is, yeah, which is why I relished reading it.

I hold the corners, the two corners of the duvet with the two corners of the cover in synchronicity. So I put them in and then I get them right tucked into that corner so I think it'll stay here forever, I still believe. And then I hold it up and let the whole thing drop down. So you don't do the duvet cover inside out thing? What is that? No, we discussed this on this very show.

I'm 64. Blimey. I think we learnt it having seen someone on Celebrity Big Brother. I believe Anthea Turner may have done it on Celebrity Big Brother. Oh, because she tidied a lot, didn't she? Yeah. Well, Al, do you want to explain? Well, I've done it for years.

Basically, you put your hands into the inside-out duvet cover and grab a corner each and then with the same hands you grab a corner each of the duvet itself and then you flick it very vigorously like you're shaking out a beach towel or something and the duvet cover travels down the duvet. It's a beautiful moment.

I'm sure this is lovely and all very well. Lovely. Night one, night two, night three, I'm fine with the duvet. Yeah.

It's corresponding lying against the cover. Something happens in the night where it huddles. Yeah. I'll tell you what it is. It's just, I don't like gatherage.

It's like, at don't like gatherage. It's like at the bottom of the bed, it's like a 90s jean, all gathered at the bottom. Do you remember, do they still have it on cereal boxes where they say contents may settle? Yes. So that you,

because you open the box and think, aye, aye, aye, aye, there's only two thirds of a box. And what they've done is they've intermingled. Anyway, what about four bulldog clips? That was one thing I was thinking of, one on each corner. I don't play bingo anymore. 019.

Doesn't sound comfortable. Morning, Frank. It sounds as though your duvet is too small for the cover. I have never had duvet slippage ever. Goodness. The duvet should completely fill the cover, so you have to push it in and then it won't move. That's Chris from Devon.

You know what? Chris might have hit on something there because it is a pretty big... I think I could probably get another duvet in there when when chris said i've never had duvet slippage ever i i thought of the popular internet phrase weird flex but okay that's what they say that means it's like it's a strange brag isn't it weird flex well we've had enough uh we've had okay yeah near parry jones that's there's a line from robert frost's the star splitter where he says we just already picked a strange thing to be roguish over and i guess that could apply to the duvet very similar near parry jones says this

is the bane of my life we have a duvet with poppers and I spend pathetic hours. I like the concept of spending pathetic hours. Tracing the corners around inside the cover. The struggle is real. Yeah, see? It's not just me. This is the bane of my life. Do you think Batman ever says that?

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. of my life. Do you think Batman ever says that? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Don't forget this morning's texting.

What is in your glove compartment that would surprise us? 8, 12, 15. Guess what? I mean, what chances? Has anyone ever guessed what from that level of clue?

Guess what? Has anyone said, your uncle has run away with a dancer from Ealing? Never happened. That hasn't happened to me, by the way. I don't have the kind of uncles that can run anywhere. No. I've been nominated.

I know we don't do praise on here, but I'm chucking it in. We do nominations. Nominations we do. I've been nominated. That's got to be a Freudian slip. I've been nominated for Audio Broadcaster of the Year. Oi, oi, oi.

Come on, Cliff, bang it out. I just stopped playing congratulations. It's all right, he's in the clear, we can play him. No, he's played it for himself, Al. It's all right. Yeah. It's all right. Claire Amfo of BBC Radio 1, Emma Barnett.

Oh, sorry, Clara Amfo. It's all right. It's only an A. It still aren't some C-L-A-R-A's. Clara's. Yeah. Clara Bow, wasn't she? Anyway, Clara Amfo of Radio 1, Emma Barnett of Five Live,

me, and Matt Chorley of Times Radio. Aren't you a Times Radio person? I am. I like the way you're reading it. me frank i'm really excited that you're nominated well you can i say it would be thoroughly deserved if you oh come on yes you're right and um i don't i mean i i don't fancy my chances against this kind of competition. That's why I'm mentioning the nomination, not waiting for the winner thing.

Let's, if I don't win it, it'll just never be brought up on the show again. But I think one should be happy. Sarah Millican once said to me in Edinburgh, after I'd said, I said to her, I'd seen a comedian who I thought was really interesting and she said yeah but it's the Edinburgh Comedy Festival isn't it not the Edinburgh Interesting Festival which I thought was rather marvellous but she said to me when she was nominated for

what we used to call the Perrier Award that other comedians said congratulations and non-comedians said good luck. Because the comedians thought the nomination was just a great thing. Yeah. Just leaving it there for you to think. Okay, well, as a fellow podcaster, congratulations. Thank you so much. Al, you've got to tell them congratulations or they'll be angry. No, you don't have to, Al.

Al, I know it's not in your nature. I'm okay with it. I'm wearing... Al's down the line, so I'm just telling him this. I'm wearing a NASA sweatshirt today. I like it. Where did you get that? It was bought for me by Emily Dean.

Emily Dean? Probably two or three years ago. Yeah. Bought for me by Emily Dean. Emily Dean. Probably two or three years ago. Yeah. Anyway, the thing, I'm not wearing anything underneath it. Obviously, lower down.

Just a sweatshirt? No, lower down. There's trousers and things. But just a sweatshirt is what I'm wearing. Straight on, no T-shirt. No T-shirt, no vest, no singlet. You've got nothing underneath it. I haven't got a cherub vest on, nothing.

Not a little pussy batto. And I looked in the mirror just, I went to the gentleman's convenience, and I looked in the mirror and, you know, I'll tell you what it looked like. The throat gets to a certain age where it needs a bit of collar and stuff to take the edge off it. And I looked like, I once saw a programme when they had some old footballers where it needs a bit of collar and stuff to take the edge off it. And I look like... I once saw a programme when they had some old footballers talking about... I think it was the 1966 World Cup,

and they made them wear replica shirts, these men in their 80s. And that's what I look like in the mirror. So next week, I'm going to wear one of those Women's Hour massive scarves Was it Jenny Murray who used to do that? Yeah, one of those enormous scarves I shall appear like that She used to peep out like the MGM lion

From all this fabric It was great But I'm thinking the throat is as it's day I told you once I saw a video of me filmed outdoors where my throat was slightly moved by the wind. And that's a turning point in one's development. Comes to us all, dear. I mean, really.

How long before it slightly cracks like a... You know when you flick a towel at the first year. How long before it gets its own agent? Yeah my dewlaps sort of slapping. I might be able to maybe I'm going to try it if I win the broadcaster of the year I'm going to get a

hair dryer and see if I can get my throat applaud. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Have we heard out from outside? Well, you've been talking about your duvet problems this morning. You've been talking about it? No, it's very much you.

No, it's me. And John Hopkins, Al, has been in touch to say, from my humble experience, it's all about the level of friction. If your duvet cover is made from a slippy material, essentially you're having problems. I'm going to use a euphemism here. But aren't they all made from a slippy material? If it's grip you're after, you can't go wrong with a heavy jackard,

a sentence I thought I'd never write. What? A heavy jackard? Yes. I've never heard of such a thing. A jackard is a type of fabric. Is it really? How are you spelling that? Jackard. I love, how are you spelling?

Like your choice. Yes, J-A-C-Q U-A-R-D I think I've seen the word and never known what it... We've also had Joan B. Good has suggested... Sister of Johnny? Yes, she

says... Probably. Her advice to you, Frank, to avoid duvet problems? Yeah. Ditch the black satin yes um i don't i did many years ago have a black duvet you didn't i did but i found it was more trouble than it was during your goth phase yeah exactly do goths have black bedclothes i love the phrase bedclothes? I love the phrase bedclothes. It's one of those words that you use, right?

You know, probably you don't, but people who do, you never stand back from it and actually think you're saying that these are clothes for the bed. I don't imagine goths, I don't know what you think, Al. I imagine them in sort of black netting. I don't think they'd, I don't know what you think I imagine them in sort of black netting I don't think I can't imagine them having anything so soft and luxurious as the duvet Well you know those

t-shirts that you get that can look like they've got headphones on or something like that I've always felt like the goth duvet cover should be like that but with sort of a coffin depicted on it Lovely Al I spend quite a lot of my time inventing goth merch Well the goths be like that but with sort of a coffin depicted on it. Oh, yeah. Lovely, Al. Can I say if there's any...

I spend quite a lot of my time inventing goth merch. Well, the goths are far and away my favourite youth subculture. I've always been a big... We love goths. ...a big fan of the goths. Yeah. One of the first youth subcultures, I would say, not to have violence as one of their modus operandi.

Very benign, generous people. I've always identified them with the Catholics, to be honest. We sit around talking about death all day and never, ever really fashionable. Yeah. Anyway, and also, I don't know, if anyone can define the difference between a goth and an emo, that's something I've never quite got round to. Can you? Oh, people can.

Age. OK. OK. So are emos just a new name for goths? I tend to think so a bit. OK. If I was still on Myspace, I could ask one of the five million teenage girl goths that were on there. I think of emo as a bit more sort of Americanised goth.

Oh, a bit grunge. They're a bit grunge. They're your good Charlotte. Okay, rather than your mission. You have it. Okay, there we've sorted out a bit of that. You have it. OK, there we've sorted out a bit of that.

If you want your youth culture strands untangled, come to this show. Frank, may I share with you a missive we've received from Richard Norman. Okay. He says, essentially, I mean, spoiler alert here, you have been spotted. Okay. Are you comfortable with me reading this out? Yes, I don't think I've been up to anything

I wouldn't want people to know about. Okay. Good lad. I thought you were going to say good luck. Yeah, it's been nice knowing you. Oh, yeah, there was that. I've got a carrier. Hi, Frank, Alan and the Divine Miss M.

Long-time reader, first-time emailer. I was in Regent's Park on Friday afternoon, 26th February. Oh, OK. I was proceeding down the high street in a northerly direction. It's very copper. Early afternoon, full stop. Gorgeous February sunshine. And who did I clap eyes on, strolling aimlessly and in deep conversation alongside the path by the camel's enclosure at London Zoo

but our Frank and Dame Joan Bakewell looking sensational in her 88th year socially distanced of course frank was sporting a snazzy mac with a lurid orange lining unmistakable in a north london crowd and i was dying to stick out a hand and wave but they looked so engrossed in combo doubtless about how to make use of Frank's gold membership at the Zoological Society. Praise redacted, Normsy. I love that, Normsy. Yes, well, I know I am essentially...

Oh, he's the loneliest man in the world. But occasionally I do the social thing, and we did. We went for a lovely walk, and you walk very close to the zoo if you walk, London Zoo if you walk through Regent's Park. So we didn't see any camels. We saw some small apes. It might have been a, I think it might have been a golden lion tamarin monkey we saw. But anyway, we sat on a bench.

Someone had left like a bag and their trainers covering the whole bench. So Joan pushed it all up to one end and we sat down and then we realized they'd been deposited there by this woman who was on rollerblades and was doing a sort of a urban ballet she was kind of amazing and she was doing these things of holding one leg high in the air and just going along on one leg. And we sat there for like 15 minutes probably watching her doing these. You see all sorts of stuff in the park. People running backwards, people doing martial arts.

I never see anything except someone walking a dog with a little bag in their hand. Well, you move to the north. Anyway, so she had we noticed a great britain tracksuit top oh and then here's the thing that would some if any of our um ice skirt uh ice skating fraternity will will know the answer to Do you think that a figure skater could practice by rollerblading? Would they gain anything from that? Oh, that's a good question.

Or is there a Great Britain rollerblading team? Seems unlikely, but, you know, people compete at all sorts of stuff. I think there is a connection. It's to do with the balance, isn't it, presumably? She was remarkable, anyway, to watch. Hmm, haughty. You'd think they're transferable skills, wouldn't you?

When she came over to the bench and Joan had moved her trainers and Joan said, I'm sorry, we were just moving it along so we could see it. She just didn't even reply. Setting out. so we couldn't see it. She just didn't even reply. Setting out. And we chose to believe that she was so in her own world of this ballet that she didn't really hear, rather than she was a bit frosty.

Yeah. Oh, no, I think the frosty ones are the actual ice skaters. Yeah, well, she might have been one. But it's really amazing. Maybe Normo, who saw me and Joan. Yeah, maybe he saw her as well. He might have a theory. He might have had a frosty reception as well.

I was thought we would be talking to her, asking her about whether she's in the Britain team or she just bought the tracksuit from TK Maxx. But we never... I was put off. As it happens, we've had mention of TK Maxx in one of our Outside World texters, 945. Hold on now, because we're about to go for a break.

I love the idea of a TK Maxx cliffhanger. I don't think we've ever had any of those before. I don't think anyone in the entire world has ever had one. I can almost see the not quite right sportswear as we speak. So we're going to be

back with TK Maxx news after this. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show. Go on. On 8, 12, 15.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Al, you were mid-TK Max. Many have texted the show, and 945 is just one of them. In response to your duvet slippage anecdote, they say, morning, everyone.

More of a plea for help, really. Yes. Morning, everyone. My latest Doobie cover, which is DKNY, and they add in brackets, it's from TK Maxx, so don't panic. I have to say, DKNY, in my mind, is synonymous with TK Maxx. I don't know why.

There are certain brands that are there more than others. Yes, I would say... Yeah, that makes sense Maxx. I don't know why. There are certain brands that are there more than others. Yes, I would say. Yeah, that makes sense. Yes. I would concur. They continue. The new duvet cover from TK Maxx has ties on the four internal corners, which I attach the loop on duvet covers.

It's absolutely marvellous, and it always stays perfectly positioned from Jane in sunny Lincolnshire. So she's finished off with a slight weather report as well. She has. I used to have a tour manager who used to say, oh, well, off to sunny stop.

But he always said that. I had a terrible flashback there. What I don't understand about Jane's duvet cover is that doesn't there need to be something on the accompanying duvet to tie it to? I wondered that. I wondered if the duvet is also DKNY,

in which case it's starting to really rack up in the expenses department. Yeah, you can't go to TK Maxx and then match things. You have to buy isolated outsiders. Is there a possibility of an invention where there's a duvet that has one side of Velcro and a duvet cover that the internal side of it is Velcro would that help? Can you imagine changing that?

You'd be stuck to your hair And also in the night Yeah That's what my mouth used to, when I had hangovers my mouth used to sound like that in the morning Frank Paul C says,

Frank should sleep on the floor and not disturb the duvet. It was good enough for the Count of Monte Cristo. Was it really? Did he sleep on the floor? Oh, I didn't. But I don't think he slept on the floor in a sort of Hoxton flat, futon way. No.

I think maybe he was forced. I can't remember the story of the... Is that where we find the man in the iron mask, an old favourite of the show? I once... I said, if you didn't moisturise for a week, would you be able to recreate the experience of the man in the iron mask?

That terrible tightness and constriction on the face. I haven't read The Mount... not The Mount of Monte Cristo. I think that was one of the sequels. Yeah. The Count of Monte Cristo. I didn't know he slept on the floor. It seems unlikely for a count, doesn't it? I mean, I would say that wasn't the sort of headline news

of his story, of his journey. I don't know the story at all, I'll be honest with you. Me neither. Is it Dumas? It is, it is. Oh, OK. Yeah. I'd also like to share quickly Daniel Skipsy.

In the early 90s, I had a typewritten catalogue of merchandise from the CPFC club shop. One of the items listed was a Jacquard scarf. I'd never heard the wordFC club shop. One of the items listed was a jacquard scarf. I'd never heard the word jacquard before. This is Crystal Palace. Yeah. I'd never heard the word jacquard before or since. No. Until today, 30 years later.

And what is it again? Great Scrabble, word two, 27 points. Okay. It's... Very good. It's a form of fabric. I don't entirely know what the make-up is of it. I'm assuming there's some nylon in there.

What I'd like is... Satiny, maybe, Jackass. An English film company, TV company, bought the rights to Jackass, and then they did a programme called Jackard, in which you had to do pranks which involved that particular fabric. See, if telly was more like that,

I would never switch it off. It was just those kind of flimsy premises and wild ideas. But oh no, it has to be people making cake. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I would like to bring a lady who's been in the news to your attention, Taylor Octave, for a start a great handle, I think. Taylor Octave, brilliant.

And she's been dubbed the unluckiest woman in Britain. Okay. Because of the lottery. I feel we should have... You know, the EuroMillions jackpot. Oh, yeah. We should have a jingle with that on, I think. What, unluckiest woman in Britain?

Unluckiest woman in Britain. Okay. I mean, I think it's stretching the point a little bit, but let me run it past you. She bought a EuroMillions jackpot ticket and every single number of hers was won out. Not just she was won out of winning the whole thing, but each number. So when the winning number was four, she was at five. When it was 12, she was at 13.

So she was won out all the way along the line of winning numbers. And she said, and I'm going to quote her, Taylor, she said, it's a long shot to win the lottery anyway, but to be so close is heartbreaking. That's what she says. She missed out on nearly 100 million. I wish she'd have said more of the chances of that happening. That one, I thought more of her.

So she narrowly missed out by getting them all incorrect? She got none. None? Yeah, she got none. None of the numbers correct. But she thinks that she was nearly right on. I'm assuming that if there's an emergency, she thinks it's fine to phone 888 or 8108,

because they're all one out. I see. I mean, it's unusual that that happened. But I don't think, I saw this story and she said she did get £2.80 back the same week because on one of her other lines, she got two numbers. Oh, right. Well, that was better.

That was closer. Yeah. That is unlucky, how you could say. I didn't know you got money back for two numbers now. I mean, it's... I didn't know anything about it at all. Well, I used to in the early days. I used to do it and everybody was anything about it at all. Well, I used to be in the early days. I used to do it and everybody was mad about it in the early days. It could be you. Wasn't that the logo?

It could be you, yeah. I think it was a very interesting thing with the slogan. The slogan, I'm sorry. It could be you with a crossed finger. Was there a celebrity attached to the campaign? There must have been. If any more readers can remember, do tell us. It wasn't me, if that's what you wanted.

So it was, it could be you. And then there was some sort of complaint about the slogan. That it was a bit misleading. Because the chances of it being you were so minuscule that it could be you. And I thought it was a bit harsh at the time because, well, it's still, one cannot deny that it could be you, no matter what the chances are.

Perhaps they should have got Harry Hill to say, Frank, what are the chances? No, but they replaced it. I don't know if you remember this. They replaced it in order to make it not seem so, you know, such a great chance with maybe, just maybe. Now, I don't know. I don't think if you're going to have a slogan, you don't want a comma. There's no place for a comma in a good slogan, is there?

Compromise is where the art gets destroyed. But also, maybe, just maybe, why is that a suggestion that you've got less of a chance that it could be you? Because really what you're saying is maybe, just maybe, it could be you. It's a qualifier, it isn't a slogan. Anyway, there was a big fuss and they changed it and everyone said, oh, well, that's all right now, maybe, just maybe,

I'm OK with that. Yeah, strange. It's a cult, weird, underground, strange world. The other week, if you remember, I had a text in, what were the other machines called apart from Guinevere? What were the other Arthurian titles?

And we got nothing. I had written that it was said there's probably some government thing that stops those things being exchanged. It'll all come out and you'll say, oh, we thought Frank had gone barmy, but it turns out... You'll all come out and you'll say, oh, we thought Frank had gone barmy, but it turns out...

We were talking about the National Lottery. 351 has been in touch to say, really, lottery machines, Frank. There was definitely a lance a lot. Oh, was there? I think there was of course there was. Can you hear? I can imagine Paul Coyer saying, go over to Lancelot now. Yeah, I can only hear

Guinevere, but I'm sure there were other Arthurians. Mordred. Well, 351. This week it's Mordred and all the balls were black. There must have been Merlin then. I don't know if there was a... No, Merlin was the counting.

Merlin was something different. I can hear the people at the meeting now of Camelot saying... Because they were called Camelot. Saying the thing is if we call it Merlin, people are going to think, oh, a bit of magic trickery, maybe it's not completely fair.

Excuse me, I think Merlin, I'm sure Merlin was involved in some capacity. There was a Merlin actual ball machine. Yeah. I don't know, I may have got that wrong. We'll see. Someone from Camelot. And Gaius.

Yeah, exactly. I don't think they were. I think they were going from Thomas Mallory rather than the recent TV production. That's my view on it. Which came first? Well, the company Camelot, they already existed and then thought, well, we'll go for Arthurian names

because of Camelot. Who knows? Anyway, this woman thought she was... He's never played the lottery. Of course he hasn't. The nearest I've got to it is the oft-mentioned in the tabloids postcode lottery, where I've lived in a place and therefore have either got or missed out on some local services. Oh, OK.

That's it. It's not as much fun, is it, that one? It's not. They don't mention it on the telly. No, there's no... You'd think there'd be a accompanying television programme with, like, local builders and the council. But you've got to be in it to win it. That was the other one.

Maybe. Just maybe. Maybe. I like that the unluckiest woman in Britain, we don't have a jingle, but you can improvise. What was her name? She has a fantastic name.

Taylor Octave. Taylor Octave. Okay. I thought her numbers would have been eight up from all the winning numbers. She talked about doing the lottery and she said, well, we've just been doing it in lockdown because my sister and I thought it was something for us to do.

I like the idea of it being something for you. I've never thought of the lottery as a pastime. No, or as a time filler. No, it's not like a 3,000-piece jigsaw. Have you ever said, what are your plans today then? A time filler. No, it's not like a 3,000-piece jigsaw. Have you ever said, what are your plans today, then? I'm going to fill out my lottery numbers. Well, it depends how many lines you have, I suppose.

I suppose. Even so. Also, when they say, when people who buy, you know, who've narrowly missed out, because they often do this story, they'll say, what would you have done with the money? Or what will you do with the money? You get this on quiz shows, and they always say, I'd take my mum on holiday.

Yeah. No, take my family on holiday, buy myself a car, buy my mum a house. It's always those three. Why don't they say something a bit original? Well, Octave... Is that her first name or her second name? I don't want to be like we're a public school no taylor oh taylor taylor said that she would um she'd like an audi a1 car and

a holiday to the maldives and i think taylor has heard um the story of the person that only had one sausage in their sausage and beans and complained and got 24 tins. And thought, if I mention this, I bet Camelot, whoever it is nowadays, offer me an Audi A1 and a holiday in the Maldives. Give it a go. We'll see. So you've got to be in it to win it. And then turned to her mum and said,

maybe, just maybe, with a cross finger. And they all laughed. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Al, have you seen, we've been told the names

of the lottery machines. 700 has texted us lottery machine names. Guinevere? Yeah, we all knew that. Lancelot? Good guess.

Arthur? You know, it never occurred to me that actually being Arthur, because it makes one seem superior to the others. Merlin? There was a Merlin, I take it back. Halogen did the Thunderbolt. Halogen, which one was...

Halogen was a name of one of the machines. I don't know, but I loved your sense of outrage as soon as I met you. Well, if you set up a theme... It's a big shift. Stick with it, yeah. Halogen. Oh, God. OK, well, I'm shocked by that,

because I used to watch it every week. I even watched the reruns on Challenge of the lottery show. I don't think it did that well on the repeats front, did it? I can't imagine why. But that's the definition of depressing tv is a competition that's already been won did i tell you i had a had a friend that's the end of that anecdote no you haven't told us no no yeah i had a friend um i think it's all right to to name her on air um she didn't do anything bad. I won't say her surname.

She's called Emma. And a relative, I think it was, of hers, won either the lottery or something similar. And I think his name was Gold. And she decided that, you know our story about,

we used to talk about nominative determinism, that your name has an influence on your life, like Gary Player becoming a golfer or whatever. Oh, yeah. Really, Tiger Woods should have been called Gary Player. That would have covered all the bases. But anyway, Emma decided that it was... His name had drawn money in some way.

And so her name... I don't want to tell you her surname, it doesn't seem fair, but it was not a million miles from what she changed it to. So she changed her name to Emma Millions. Ah. And I think she's done well in life, but she didn't have the big win. But there's another, connected with the lottery,

that reminds me of the Daily Mirror, I think it was, had a lottery correspondent, can you believe, who used to write. And he changed his name by deed poll to Lenny Lottery. And now that that for me, that is taking nominative determinism and spitting in its face to get the job first and then get the name.

It's just wrong. And Lenny Lottery was a regular columnist writing about, you've guessed it, the lottery. Dedication to the lottery. Dedication to the task, though. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Have we heard from Alfresco? We have, Al, haven't we? We've heard many times from the outside world. One of them, I think, is probably a useful one to just clarify. Three, eight, six.

You were discussing earlier about youth subcultures being into violence. And from John in Cambridge, the original mods were never into violence. And he points out, tailor-made suits and a punch-up do not mix. It was the press that made that up. Yeah? Well, thank you, Prince Harry. Can I say, it was you that brought up mods. I never mentioned mods.

I don't know why you leapt to them with your stereotyping of mods as one of the violent subcultures. All right, look, we've all had a mention. I take his point. Look, none of us had a drink. I take his point. The Battle of Hast us had a drink. I take his point. The Battle of Hastings and all that, mods and rockers.

Yeah. I seem to remember seeing pictures, but I can understand that there was probably a good deal of flannel around. I mean, I think perhaps the mods, early mods that wore the sort of tailor-made suits, they were not violent, but then the later ones that wore jeans and army jackets

that was like Dress Down Friday, Ready for Action perhaps, I don't know The history of violence here on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran In fact In the midst of Cochran I see what you think So yeah I'll take your point.

Are we going to get texts in now from rockers, skinheads, boot boys, suede heads, all saying we never touched anyone in our life? They'll be Phil Daniels. Park Life on the phone in a minute. We've had... Teddy boys writing in with fountain pens. Just a waddy waddy yeah well they weren't authentic oh i knew you'd say i knew you'd be a teddy boy snob purist

while we're on the subject al of uh violence you and violence. Oh, yeah. Only as Lee, there's a lot to unpack in that handle, but anyway, let's move on, got in touch. Just listening back to the latest podcast, and I noticed Alan making reference to When I Kill Tybalt. Does that mean that the cockerel once played Romeo and only very casually mentioned it? Absolutely. Absolutely. Wow.

100% I played Romeo for Dewsbury Arts Group in what I think is a large clerical error of casting, but we went with it. I'm about as Romeo as Dick Van Dyke as Cockney, but they went with it. They just had a go. I'd love to have seen your Romeo. I bet you would have been marvellous.

I wanted the funny one. What was the funny one? Romeo. No, well, that's quite a thing, though. In fact, Baroness Bakewell was asking me if I'd ever been in a Shakespeare, even at school or anything, and I never have. Oh, we'd all like to see your bottom.

Well... Oh, come on. It's amazing. You'd have thought in my golden years I'd have got the bottom phone call. You would? Do you know, you'd be a great... You're very rude mechanical. Yes, and I've got all the donkey sensibilities.

I mean, and what are you looking at me like that for? Yes, well, if there's anyone out there doing the dream... You know where I am. You know where I am. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emma Lyddon and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio

and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Try one of those babies why don't you? You have had one of your stranger text-ins is, have you got anything unusual in your car glove box? I've never said glove box in my life.

I think I said glove compartment. Oh, did you? Oh, I always say that. I do as well. I don't know where glove box is. In fact, until you said it this morning, I wasn't even aware of it. Do car manufacturers, yes, I'm asking you, Alan Cochran, do they refer to it as glove compartment still?

Or glove box. Oh, fine. Well, there's a lot of people on the text referring to it as glove box. What I'm saying, Alan, is what is the official title, the manufacturer's name of that area in the car? It's probably something like a dash container or something really dull. They probably don't say glove box, do they? What have people got in there?

Well, I feel like I have a very vested interest in knowing what have people got in there because well i feel like i very i have a a very vested interest in knowing what people have got in there because um you've stumbled onto an area of my life that i care passionately about at the moment because my own car glove box has trapped itself shut and i cannot get it open with all of my, not massive, might. But, I mean, I really think I'm going to have to take a crowbar to it and rip it apart. Don't get the rustle out. I've even tried unscrewing the screws at the bottom of it.

But importantly for the vehicle, it has the locking wheel nut in there that mechanics need to get the wheels off. It's been an absolute nightmare, I don't mind telling you guys but to lighter news other people have got more fun things. Can I tell you what that reminds me of? I was once in a canteen and I put all this food on my plate from various, you know, various tops. Was it a buffet selection? It was. So I had a plate full of, two platefuls of food

in the days when one would, as a matter of course, also get something with custard on it. And when I got up to the till, the coat I was wearing, the sort of warm coat, I couldn't get the zip down on it, so I couldn't reach the wallet in my inside jacket pocket. It was terrible. I was there, there was a queue behind me, you could hear

motterings. Are you sure this was a real event and not an anxiety dream? We were not trying to break, in the end I was trying to break the zip, I didn't even have the strength to break it. I had to go away into a corner and work on this thing

in the end I think I took it off without taking the zip off and I feel your pain the food was cold oh nightmare anyway

what happened? unluckiest man in Britain there you go so 171 has texted What's happened? Unluckiest man in Britain. There you go. 171 has texted, I have a note in my glove box reading, to the person stealing my car, do me one favour, please return the car once you've finished with it.

Needless to say, it's never been read by anyone but myself, which is good. That's from Mongolian Dave from Kent. That is good uh that's from mongolian dave from kent that is good i wonder you're asking a lot of the car thief to to care about that one way or another i think yes but worth a try 411 my brand new volvo v90 all right show off. Hey, 411, call me. Has, according to the manual, a glove box. It is referred to in that... I miss compartment already.

Glove box sounds very, rather Lady Bracknell, doesn't it? Oh, is that... Okay, Al. Yeah, that's my dog barking at the window I have asked my son to be in charge of her

When you're talking about things being locked in the glove box Didn't include your whippet did you? I can understand some sense of emergency As an Irish driver once said to me when we were moving house, we had a cat. And when I got in the car, I said, where's the cat?

And he said, send the boot. And I said, no, no, stop the car, stop the car. And I said, you can't put the cat in the boot. And I remember he said, there's a fierce amount of air in there. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What else from the outside world? Well, I'll tell you what I'd like to use this time wisely to just thank Ed Elliott, who's been in touch.

Are you familiar with Ed Elliott? Ed Elliott? Wasn't he the snow angel, man? He was. He was the ice sculpture guy that risked frostbite. Oh, yes. But he still managed to do a text with his remaining digits. Yeah, he poured out

a text. Can I just say... Probably done with an icicle. Can I just say I've noticed we've got a very squeaky door, which in a radio studio is something of an issue. I quite, I quite like it. Do you like it? Yeah, it makes it, it's like that,

you know those guys that do special effects on Radio 4 dramas? It's like having one of those guys operating. It's like working in the old curiosity shop. See, I tell you, we are sitting here chatting very genially, but the producer and assistant producer are running around outside like the building is on fire. I've never seen faces like it. No.

And they were telling us earlier that they're not allowed to leave us in the studio on our own. That didn't last long as a rule. It's all gone out the window. I'm filling in an overtime form for all this extra talking we're doing now. Ed Elliot, anyway, the sculptor has said,

he said, I'm chuffed you noticed it. Thank you. So he sends a thank you to me. Thank you to Absolute Radio and Frank. Sorry, you're not on Twitter, so you don't get personal. Well, I have to say to it, it is a beautiful thing, the snow angel. Was, surely. Was, thing, the snow angel. Was, surely. Was, yes, was.

Was. Maybe now he could build a sun angel. Ah. Ooh. I really like something from the producer that tells me whether I'm talking, whether I'm going out, whether there's music playing. I've never felt so abandoned since I was a latchkey kid in the 1970s. Try my backstory, dear. We're going to try the adverts and see if that works.

Okay. So here we go. Oh, God, she's taken over. Cross your fingers. Oh, dear, Ruff. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Now, we've had some technical issues.

I feel my audio broadcaster of the year, Gong, has been completely obliterated by this. Well, don't be too sure. Normally we don't read out praise, but 992 texted, best ten minutes of radio ever, and I'm assuming that's in description. Reference to the silence. Thank you. Charming. Charming. Brother

brother 994 from the monastery in Sussex said the best bit of radio I've ever heard. Is it the Franciscans or the Benedictines? Which ones are the silent? You mind your own business.

I ask from a history of art perspective, OK? History of art. Come off it. Isn't that what Prince William and... I believe so. Yeah. I want to talk about the Cadbury's golden cream eggs. OK.

Now, there's a couple of reasons for this. Firstly, there was a Cadbury's gold cream egg that sold for £37,000 or £31,000, depending on which media source you rely on. Really? That's six grand difference. I think it's to do with... It's been skimmed off by the auction house, maybe. Exactly.

Well, I think it's to do with whether you include the 20% sale commission. Oh, all that. All that stuff. Oh, I was right. Tell the profs to. BBC don't. There you go. What does that tell you? Interesting. Yeah, I remember I paid, I think it was nine grand for Elvis's shirt, and I ended up paying 11 to the actual auctioneer. There you go.

That's how they get you. Oh, that's how they get you. That's what Frank's father said. If someone asked you the time, you said that's how they get you. Yeah, he did. He did knock someone over a wall for asking him the time at night because he assumed it was a mogging of some kind. Anyway, the Cadbury's Conundrum Egg,

this was this... It was sold recently for this huge amount of money. It was originally made in the 1980s. I've never heard of it, I must say. Do you not know? Well, it was... Remember treasure hunts were... Of course, I can't use a conundrum.

Oh, for God's sake. Because you are a Catholic. Yeah. Do you remember treasure hunts were very in vogue? Well, a friend, a dear friend of mine, I think, was the pioneer of the bury something golden and then have a book with a lot of clues in it. Kit Williams wrote a book called masquerade

wrote and fabulously illustrated a book called masquerade back in 79 when was the when was the cabris golden well they did this in the 80s and i think yeah oh come on they just ripped off kit williams anyway so jarring because I don't think of 80s Britain as being golden egg treasure hunts. I think of 80s Britain and I think miner strikes and poll tags riots and stuff. I think of the yuppies. You could say their lives were a golden egg treasure hunt.

Good point. What about that? I think I'm back on the audio broadcaster of the year list. That was my throat, by the way. Frank thinks his mention of the word yuppies... Yeah, exactly. They love the current affairs. What I like about Frank Skinner, he's so topical.

He was talking about yuppies this morning. Exactly. And the Kit Williams masquerade book from 1979. Anyway. So tell me what happened then. What was the nature? They buried some golden cream eggs. Gather round the fireside, everyone.

They buried 12 golden eggs, not cream, based on the cream egg, but these were actually gold, more like your Fabergé. Oh, your Fabergé. Buried them all around the country, published a book, which looks suspiciously similar to Kit Williams, may I say, but that's another anecdote. And it's called, I say, Conundrum's Book of Riddles.

And they, in addition to this, they make... If you don't mind the pun, it's over-egging the pudding, isn't it? Somewhat. Conundrum's Book of-egging the pudding, isn't it? Somewhat. Conundrum's book of riddles. Yeah, we get it. We get it. You don't have to go on about it. Okay, so they buried 12 golden eggs.

Cadbury's did that. Yeah. I like the idea that they were driving around. You know those big eggs at Cadbury World that you can drive in? That they were driving around like that burying them. People parked in a lay-by. What's your job? Egg burier.

If you saw one of the egg cars in a lay-by though, you'd be suspicious, wouldn't you? I wonder if you could take them on the road. Where are the Cadbury's World egg cars road worthy? 8, 12, 15.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. OK. We were talking about this thing that completely passed me by in the 80s. There's so many things to it, and this is one of the drawbacks of alcoholism. I don't remember the burying of Cadbury's golden eggs.

The burials, the 12 burials. If there's anyone here who knows anyone who found one or anything, I'd love to hear about it at 8, 12, 15. I know it's a slim shot. I imagine many of them were found by Cadbury's employees. Well, the 13th egg, Al,

which is one of my favourite Agatha Christie novels, that has gone on sale again, and it recently, they sold it for this 37k. And it's bigger than the other eggs, is that right? Oh, yeah, bigger, yes. This one? No, no, but it's bigger than the other golden eggs. They made a special big one.

It was all made by Garrard's, the Queen's jewellers. But it was made, and I like this, it was made for retailers only, the big one. So the public couldn't take... This is the sort of jobs for the boys so mr harris at the corner shop could try and win the big egg it reminds me when i was living back in the west midlands there was a thing called a macro card macros was the sort of wholesale place for the retailer so things were a bit cheap there.

It was a cave of wonders. I never went in it, so I never got the card. At school, if people's parents had a macro card, they were sort of an elite status school person. Oh, completely, completely. I don't know anything about any of this. Yeah, so you got stuff cheaper. So people would say, I've been doing a bit of, I started a bit, I did a bit of catering at. So people would say, I've been doing a bit of,

I started a bit, I did a bit of catering at a couple of weddings and I've got myself a macro car. And we go, wow. Yeah, and you go into the elite world of slightly cheaper stuff. I think you had to buy like 200 of everything. I feel like I really missed out. Oh, man. There was a real gap between what retailers had at their fingertips and what the public had.

And I think this egg is a perfect symbol of that. A bigger egg, the macro egg, as I'm calling it. Well, I've only just found out. Do you know about this, Al? I mean, I found out so much about eggs. About these eggs? Recently, because, yes, that I didn't know. Firstly, I didn't know that Cadbury's cream eggs

are only available four months of the year. Is that still true? Apparently. They're seasonal. Yeah, they're seasonal. Did you hear that, Frank? At a time when you can get pomegranates all the year round, Cadbury's cream eggs have remastered.

Because they used to be. Is there chocolate hens that have to lay them for a quarter of the year or something? Well, they are, they used to be seasonal. I thought that that had stopped. No. Because I see them all the time now. I'm going to ask another question and I've got to be straight with you. I know everything now.

I know how many a year are sold in those four months. Do you know how many are sold in those four months? In Britain? We'll call it the UK. Or to quote Matt Berry, the UK. I'd say a million. Alan?

200,000. 200 million. What? What? Between us, we got a closer answer. In the population, that's like people buy four each or something. Oh. Some of them look like they do.

Can I ask you a question? I don't know if you guys ever eat a Cadbury's cream egg in current times. Regularly. Okay. Do they still have the orange smear? I beg your pardon? You know they used to have like a smear of orange stuff representing the yolk in the middle of the white.

That's the whole essence of it. I thought they stopped that and they just went albumin. No! The whole point of the egg, because how I of the egg, because how I eat the egg, just if anyone's interested... Oh, is this going to be mildly erotic? Oh, have you met me?

I couldn't be erotic if I tried. Oh, come on, don't put yourself down. I won't have that said. I strip the foil down. We've started. I strip the foil down. Yeah, just half an inch. And you know what? I see the foil rather like the towel tied round the waist.

Oh, OK. You know, of the good-looking hero in the movie. Yeah. I don't know about you, Albert. I'm sweating. I'm going for a cold shower during this. Yeah, exactly. We haven't even got to the orange smear.

Yeah. But yes, and then what happens? You bite the top off. Yeah. But we're going to have to go to the music in a second. Okay. What I do is I put the whole egg in my mouth and just let it melt of its own accord.

Oh, okay. I don't. No one would do that. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We were talking

about Cadbury's and they dipped into the golden eggs mystery business in the 80s. Who knew? And there is currently, just in case the two of you are interested, there is a current promotion.

There are 200 gold cream eggs that have been distributed. I'm going to say gold chocolate. So they're not actual Garrard gold eggs. Gold chocolate? Gold chocolate made from... I've never heard such talk. No, of course you haven't. But they're made from gold edible foil.

They've been distributed. 200 shops in the UK have them. So five in Waitrose, five in Iceland. But you'd see it, wouldn't you? If it's the foil, you'd just be able to say, oh, there's the gold one. No, the chocolate inside is gold edible. Oh, I see. So you find out when you unwrap it. The old edible foil,

Frank, is the foodstuff. Well, I'll go to our house. You don't know until you open it. Okay. Once you unpeel it, you'll see that it's gold, and then you'll look on the inner wrapping, you will have a £5,000 prize

it might be £50 it depends which one you get and who's picking them this week is it Arthur Merlin Guinevere or who was Mordred it wasn't Mordred I don't think

so they've gone gold again having already done the gold thing. I mean, come on, Cadbury's. What you should have had is 12 of this year's batch of cream eggs are fertilised. And you should have an actual embryonic chicken in there amidst the lovely, sweet, gooey whiteness. That would have given the kids a bit of education. I like it. Imagine if we get one.

Imagine if we said, some might do a story on me. I might say I came so close to winning it. I bought an actual egg instead of a cream egg. I nearly won. Yeah, exactly. I got a chocolate egg and when I opened it, it was brown, which I believe is next to gold on the spectrum of colours.

703 has texted, whole egg in. I do that, Frank. I'm assuming that they mean about a Cadbury's cream egg rather than an actual egg. Oh, yeah. He puts the whole egg in. No, I could never do that. I think it's a he, but I'm basing it on the fact that they're boasting about this.

Yes, exactly. You see, Roy Rockcliffe has... Roy Rockcliffe, okay. He has an interesting tip. Read Gold Eggs. Instead of idiots peeking through the foil, he's got strong feelings about this, hasn't he? Just read the list of ingredients to find one.

Simples. Oh, so it'd be a different ingredient. Seems a long way to go to remember the E number of the gold edible foil. We're talking five grand now. Forgive me, but I'm not sure that Cadbury's cream eggs, I think the list of ingredients, are they on the cream egg

fort? They must be somewhere. Yeah, it's hard to imagine someone, I've never seen anyone reading the ingredients. Like, I'm just making sure this is nice and nutritious. Yeah. Before I buy it. Yeah. Can I bite. Yeah.

Can I tell you something? Last night, my partner, Kath, I was sitting on the sofa and she came into the room and was standing at the side and I looked at her and I seemed to see our whole relationship stretched out. She looked particularly beautiful to me and I thought, this is my partner, this is the woman, the mother of my child, the woman with whom I share my life and I thought this is my partner this is the woman the mother of my child the woman with whom I share my life and I'm so happy about that and she said to me what you looking at me like that for I said oh nothing oh there you go well you know long-term relationships she doesn't listen she does listen she. She will occasionally say to me,

oh, I like that shoegaze track you played, and then that's about it. Anyway, just saying. Keeps your feet on the ground. Exactly. There you go. What was it they used to say, Casey Kasem? Do you remember him in the 90s?

I do remember him. He said, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. Oh, good. There you go. Slightly adapted an Oscar Wilde. But, you know, it's not as good a short tale as Keep and Peel, which I think was referenced in the last Golden Chocolate Eggs thing.

Anyway, it's been an interesting one. I'm sorry about the technical difficulties. It wasn't my fault. I don't see why that should take away my broadcaster prize. All right, calm down, Frank. No, but it's not fair, is it? Do you think it's fair? I don't.

Thank you so much for listening to us this morning. It means a great deal. We love you all. And, well, not you, mate, but everyone else. And if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now and not for long stay in this is frank skinner this is absolute radio