The Frank Skinner Show - Leopard Print Leggings

Episode Date: November 16, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is away this week so Emily is in the host’s seat and is joined by Alun and Gareth Richards. The team discuss the John Lewis ad, Sir Rod’s model railway and Emily has had an electrical issue.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. You are listening to The Frank Skinner Show. I'm not Frank Skinner. I'm not Rear of the Year 1998. He shared that title with Carol Smiley, by the way. Wow. Not something... One cheek each. That was Gareth Richards, who is here with me this morning i'm also with our resident cockerel morning hi cockerel i can't find the jingles i haven't familiarized myself with them should

we give you something else instead something to work towards i should explain i'm really sorry all right mate okay so just carry on forever um frank's not here not here today, which I do apologise for. He's doing... What is he doing exactly? Does anyone know? I think he's visiting Anglo-Saxon museums. No, he's working very hard. But we will be here all morning. You can text the show on 81215.

You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the radio. Or you can email the show, if you're from the the old victorian era by the absolute radio website i like it when people email the show do you i think we should mock them at least because i spend much of saturday morning reading out the emails that we've received on friday evenings in my friday night trawl now i don't necessarily say victorian in the pejorative sense oh good there's. There's nothing I like more than a Victorian.

Some of my best ex-boyfriends have been. Do you know what I was about to say to you both? You know how you come out with a cliché? Yeah. I'm saying that in honour of Frank and his strange pronunciation. Right. I was going to say you're a sight for sore eyes. Oh.

And then I thought, and forgive me if we've discussed this before on the show, I always lose track, we've done so many, dear. Is it a compliment, that? No. Well, this is what I'm not sure, because does it mean... That and the butt. Does it mean your appearance is so hideous, it's made my eyes sore.

I don't think so. As a result of looking at you. Or does it mean your appearance is so marvellous my eyes feel slightly less sore as a result of looking at you? You look so good. You're a remedy for my eye ache. Yeah. Thanks so much, Al.

I don't think it's that. I never thought you'd say it. No. I suspected it. I mean, you'd say it. No. I suspected it. I mean, you do, but I am not sure that that's the common parlance of that phrase. Gareth, do you think it's complimentary or negative? By the way, text in on 81215 if you have any views on... If someone said to you, blimey...

Are we allowed to say blimey? Yeah, I think blimey's okay. Blimey means God blind me, doesn't it? Does it? That's where it comes from, so it's apt for this discussion. I didn't want to go down a religious cul-de-sac. But does your... If someone came in and said to you,

wow, I suppose it's tone, isn't it? If someone said you're a sight for sore eyes, compliment. If someone said you're a sight for sore eyes, compliment. If someone said you're a sight for sore eyes, negative. I think it's supposed to be a compliment, but I don't think medically, you've got sore eyes, look at something nice. That will sort you right out.

I believe it stands up to the scrutiny of science. I don't think it's a proper study. Well, I read, I think that saying is originally it might be someone like Jonathan Swift or one of that lot. Oh, yeah. And my issue with it is I don't think they were exactly sort of Chandler when it came to the irony and sarcasm.

No. So I don't think he was saying, you're a sight for sore eyes. Anyway, I'd be interested to know your views on that. Do text us in. I still think it's about, you know, people looking bad. If somebody said it to me, whatever their tone, I'd think, oh, perhaps I should spruce up a little bit. Yeah, but if somebody said anything to you, you'd think that.

Yeah, you're right. I mean, I do need to spruce up a little bit. Yeah, absolutely right. You actually look great this morning. Thanks very much. So do you, Gareth. Thank you. But it's what's inside that counts, apparently.

So I want to talk to you both about my internal wiring. It's complicated. Okay, should we play a long song? It's what's inside that counts. It turns out my internal wiring is very shoddy.

Oh, gosh. Did a mechanic tell you this? You'll find out shortly. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I was talking about... Your internal wiring. I was. And we do have a text in running right now,

which is not the one I anticipated, but never mind. It is, is the expression, you're a sight for sore eyes. Oh, yeah. Would you take that as a compliment? And if so, why? Sorry, Alan. Over to our sight for sore eyes correspondent, Alan Cochrane. 771 has said, sight for sore eyes is a compliment.

It means you are a nice sight for eyes that have seen a lot of bad. I like the idea of having eyes. A lot of bad. My Twitter biography, I might rewrite that to say eyes that have seen a lot of bad. Sounds like a Martin Amis novel. My eyes have seen... It's a shanty.

My eyes have seen a lot of bad. Yes. Anyway, meanwhile, over in my wiring... Oh, yes. Now, I don't want to offend anyone. Actually, I don't care, which is good. Alan, you strike me as a pragmatic type. You strike me as quite...

I can already see the sad eyes. Gareth's sad eyes. No, but if I needed to sort my wiring out, I'd probably ring Alan first. It'd be a mistake, but anyway. People often think I'm going to be capable at DRI and I'm a disaster. Gareth?

Also, no- one even asks me. People know. People know. So I've been having some very curious electrical occurrings recently. I've had flickering lights. I thought that was just flashbacks to my... Standing up too quickly.

No, I just was having memories back to my childhood in 1860 with the flickering lights, but also there have been fuses tripping, there's been all sorts. I woke up the other day and I have to say it was one of the worst things I've ever woken up

to. And that's saying something, let me tell you. the doorbell was ringing constantly i mean constantly more than usual permanently it wouldn't go all right somebody's got their finger on it like a you've got it in one hour. Like an enforcer or something. Did you think that the bailiffs were round? That's what I would have worried about. That's what it sounded like.

It was like in a police procedural drama, because people only ever do it in those. At the same time, my burglar alarm was going off. That's your burglar alarm. Well, it's an approximation of one. It's sort of if your burglar alarm sounded a bit like Fats Domino. And the lights are flicking on and off. Can you imagine? That's quite a scary...

It was like being in a big brother house when they've got a horrible task. And I didn't really know whether to call the emergency electrician or a priest. Yeah, poltergeist. What's going on? In the end, I called an electrician who came out, and he was the world's worst electrician, possibly person. Does he listen? Let's hope so.

I'm going to start by saying I was a bit sus when I looked down and he was wearing frayed tracksuit bottoms. I didn't even know a tracksuit could fray in that way. I thought that was more a castaway look. They've seen some real wear, haven't they? They've seen some bad, those tracksuit bottoms. A lot of bad. Was it like a Robinson Crusoe vibe?

That's really weird. If Robinson Crusoe spent a lot of time in Sports Direct... But you'd have to... I mean, I can't understand how anybody would cause that much friction at that part of the trouser. Like, did they start life with an elasticated cuff? That's what I want to know. I don't want to investigate why they got Frank.

Although, don't you like that my burglar alarm was going off, my doorbell was ringing permanently, my lights were flicking on and off. What was my priority? The hen of his tracksuits. Thank you. Frank's in on Absolute Radio. We were talking.

Shall I finish telling you about my electrics? Yes, please. Okay. So the house was going haywire, like you'd had a poltergeist. I have a question, actually, before we continue. Sure, question. Are all of these things that are going weird,

are they all interconnected on like an app? Have you got some kind of app that tells you that? Do you know, I love it when he gets technical. Talk electrics to me, Al. I mean, I don't like the idea of those apps, but I know that other people like things in their life that are technological. No, I don't have one of those. It's a bit 70s my set up. I've got an app.

And the electrics. You've got an app. I've got an app. I don't, I mean you don't use it as much as you think you would. No. It's a great idea. I've got my heating on an app. I've got a heating on an app and two light bulbs. You're not hitting on women in the pub. Guess what girls. I don't want to boast but I've got my heating on an app and two light bulbs oh you're not hitting on women in the pub i don't want to boast but i've

got my heating on a nap and two light bulbs so uh how you doing let's go home we missed a big shot over here i can i can dim the light in the boys room and the dining room light at a touch of a phone. Right. Sorry. You genuinely did sound so proud. Yeah. I was actually looking for... Do you want to say that again, please? I condemn the light. But she's all you ever want. She's the kind I'd like to flaunt and take to dinner.

You have to talk over it like you're chatting them up. That's a new thing. I mean, I bet, I mean, it doesn't happen in our house, but if you had a lady back, you could dim the lights on your phone app. Okay, you should write like a seduction guide or something. Chapter one, you could dim the lights on your phone app. But they'd go off and go, oh, hold on a minute. Oh, no, now I'm in a different one.

Do you want to know the end of this tale? Yeah. So anyway, we've got the character with the Flintstonian frayed tracksuit. The electrician arrives and he's got frayed jogging bottoms. And a baseball cap. I'm sure he should be wearing some of those reinforced knee type workman trousers because they kneel a lot. Electrician.

If you work for Emily, you need reinforced knees because she insists you bow down to her. Yeah, you're not allowed to walk in her property. How dare you tell the truth. He had a baseball cap at a slight angle. Jaunty. It was a bit jaunty for my liking.

Two sack in the fences in one outfit. Okay, he wasn't carrying any equipment, Alan. Oh, there is a bit of me that quite likes that. Why? I once booked a tiler to do some tiling in my kitchen purely because he didn't bring a tape measure and he looked at it and he went, I think it's about one meter by three and he just guessed it

and I thought, oh you're probably really good at this job. He did tell me that as well. Although, come on, if you've got to turn off a burglar alarm and the bell and the flicker with the flickering lights, what, are you going to use a credit card? I mean, I know you use that to open the doors in. What, are you going to use a credit card? I mean, I know you use that to open the doors in the films,

but you need something. A crucifix, at least. Hasn't your flat got, like, a giant plug thing? Duplex, please. It's not a flat. Like a big off switch. What, like in the Flintstones? Yeah. Yes, there's a big pterodactyl, and you just pull the tongue out. And he goes, ah!

Oh, what a way to make a living that's what i said to him when i saw the tracksuit bottoms so i wasn't feeling confident because what i want minimum was confident his name no i what i what i want minimum gareth Aye, aye. What I want, minimum, Gareth, is some sort of nomenclature on the polo shirt. I want to see a business. I love a polo shirt with a name on it. You know? I live for that. So he came in, and do you know what he said?

I'll tell you what he looked like, actually, guys. He looked a bit with the tracksuit bottom, nothing in his hands, the cap. He looked like he might have just been drinking WKD in the park with his friends. And he said, that's loud. It's not a great start. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

My electrician, he's not my electrician, I should say. He's a man that turned up to deal with my doorbell, which wouldn't stop, and my burglar alarm, which was going off, and flickering lights. All of this permanently. Mm-hm. It was like some Disney ride.

Horror ride. Awful. So tracksuit man is standing there. He said, that's loud. Tracksuit man is also the electrician for the burglar that's just joining. Is he, though? He was wearing a tracksuit man is also the electrician for this just joining is he though he was wearing a tracksuit with frayed bottoms he's heard it was that's loud and i said yeah that's why i called you out can you have a look at it he said all right

and then he sort of there's no sense of urgency oh had a Had a small puffer coat. Took it off. Said, oh, it's nice round here. He said, did you, um, I like your walls. Did you do that? I said, I think we've got a, I mean, this screaming, this burglar alarm. Case in the joint. Yeah. He was making small talk. Nice telly. Yeah, where'd you

keep your valuable shoes? That's why he wears the tracksuit bottoms, for running away. I hadn't invited him round for pleasantries. There were people gathered in the street because of the level of noise. It was so loud. I said, you need to fix this. You can sense there was... Gareth looked at me as if to say,

I'm starting to sympathise with Tractuit, man. I pointed him towards the cupboard and I'm having to apologise to my neighbours, those people outside. I mean, things are hotting up a bit. Is the cupboard where the fuse box was? Yes. I especially liked it.

I didn't just shove him in the cupboard. In. We're not working. I shoved him in the cupboard. Heard him in there, not working. I shoved him in the cupboard. He said hello to all the other men in there. He goes in there, and then I hear him say, that's really bad.

I don't want a review. I want you to fix it. Sounds expensive. I don't want to hear about your years in prison, which I've no doubt. Then he comes out. There's noises still going on.

He says, I don't do alarms. What? I said, I beg your pardon. He said, I do smoke alarms. Oh, we all do smoke alarms. Yeah. Even I do smoke alarms.

No. When you say do a smoke alarm, Absolute Radio does not endorse or advise doing this, but in an absolute, as it were, emergency, I mean, I do smoke alarms. Yeah. So he said, well, I do smoke alarms. I said, what, you only do smoke alarms?

It was getting nasty at this stage. I was angry. I was agitated. Also, you were shouting because you were having to be heard above a burglar alarm. Yes. Or a doorbell, rather. I said, is there anything you can do about turning off my burglar alarm, my doorbell, and my flickering lights? He said, no.

No. He said, I'll tell you what, I'll talk to them about not charging you for the work. This guy's an idiot. I hate him. What work? Driving out in Flintstonian tracksuit bottoms? Turning up like Daley Thompson. Also, I'm nervous about saying this even, but I've got an issue with tracksuit bottoms. Oh. I feel like, you know how in Elizabethan times

people would wear a codpiece? Yeah. It was made to draw attention to yourself. Yeah. That's how I feel about tracksuit bottoms. Is this out of order? Taking a historical angle to the Sports Direct favourites there. I just feel like things are on show in tracksuit bottoms.

OK, OK. All out of frame, you're right. Maybe I shouldn't be looking, but... Is the tracksuit... Am I right? Can you? It's like the Mona Lisa. It's very much not like the Mona Lisa. Is the tracksuit...

Follows you around the room. Is the... Oh, my God. Is the tracksuit bottom the new codpiece? Text in on 8-12-15. So, do you want to know how it all ended with the electrician? I would like to, and I'd also like to... I didn't date an electrician, by the way.

This is the end of a relationship story. He drove off. I'm not sure because I think anything you say could be used in evidence in court. Well, um... Is he okay? He drove off, not in a van, in a sort of Nissan Micra. No ladder. I'm not sure he was an electrician, Annie.

I'm sorry to burst your bubble. Something more. I think I got the wrong number and he thought, I may as well. Not doing much. It's a while till... You have to not just buzz any man in. Well... Oh, now you tell me.

If you've taught me anything in life, Emily. So, eventually he went to drive off, but you know what was odd? I said something as if he was. It was like a relationship was ending. I said, I think you'd better go. With a slight catch in my voice about 7% too much emotion I cared too much and he was a bit friendly he said oh I see you like he'd come round for a coffee yeah it was a very traumatic encounter hmm the noise is still going on. Eventually, I called in the big boys. Lovely man.

The army? No. Lovely man called John. Shout out to John. He turned up. I don't know if I'm allowed to mention plumbers' businesses here, but they sound like... So you called a plumber for a...

Well, the name of the company has plumbers in it. Oh, OK. OK. Pimlico, isn't it? Yes, it is. It's called Pimlico Plumbers, but he turned up, John, and he was dressed how I like my electricians to be dressed. He had a lovely polo shirt with a logo on it.

Right, and a full face mask. Cover... It's not that bad, by far. Coverings for his feet, a van with a ladder on it. Coverings for his feet. She likes her staff to be shod. Where's the other guy barefoot? I'm a Hulk.

Was it the Incredible Hulk that turned up? It was Dr David Banner. That's why his hems were frayed, because he had nothing protecting them from the bottom. Oh, you're right. Well, I did eventually. John did an amazing job. And he's a plumber.

No, the company, Pimlico do all sorts of things. Do they? Very professional. Although I've now raised the bar too high on the service front. Right. Because I don't know what you're meant to. Can I say, if there are any electricians or plumbers listening, what do you expect?

Text in, 8-12- listening, what do you expect? Text in, 8.12.15. What do you expect? You might have to be more specific. Okay, on the beverage and refreshment. Oh, right. I'd like to know what you think, Al. Well, I think they should be happy with a tea or a coffee. We don't really have many biscuits in our house

unless we know that we've got builders or something coming and then we will buy biscuits. A bit patronising. A bit grudgingly. Karen likes that. But... I think you should try and get them onto some sort of more protein-based snack.

Yeah, yeah. You know, get them to try some nuts or maybe a shake. Do you want a cup of tea and maybe seven boiled eggs and a couple of chicken breasts? I think the building game is evolving. I think you need to get the builders paleo. I think the builders are evolving. We used a window fitter a year or so ago,

and one of them described himself as, he only ever accepted tea from me, and I said, are you sure you don't want a coffee? And he went, I'm something of a coffee snob. And he's brought posh coffee in his own flesh. Well, I heard one of my electricians, he brought his mate with him, he said, he told me a story. I mean, he seemed traumatised by it.

He says, you know, I believe what they did, these people I went to. He said, they made themselves a coffee with an espresso. Me, they made me an instant. I'd be all right with that. Me personally. I think that's out of order. If I ever come to any of your properties, feel free to make me an instant whilst you make yourself a posh coffee.

Did you say any of my properties? I'm not Frank Skinner. No, I was saying it to everybody in the room. I just own the one. 196 has texted in. He said kettle boiled and ready every 30 minutes to an hour. That's what he expected. Keep it closer to 30.

Does he wear frayed tracksuit bottoms? We need to know. I think we've got to go. I've got the fez here. Okay. Okay. So do I need to go now? Okay, we'll see you later.

I don't have anything to get out. After a song in the news. Okay. It sounds like you're going. We're going to be there. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner show,

by the way. Frank's not here this morning. Sorry. We miss him. I am with the very marvellous Alan Cockrell, though. Oh, I can't find your jingle. Don't worry.

Sorry. Alan actually looks slightly pained when I play that. You know how you look at a partner when they tell the same joke 50 times? Occasionally meet people and they say, do you do kung fu or something? Because they play that kung fu fight on the radio. Anyway.

We need to do Gareth's as well. And the very marvellous Gareth Richards. Oh, I didn't mean to... This is absolutely perfect. That's all right. This is me. Yeah. This is the sound of my inner world.

Yeah. I do apologise. What's wrong with that? Put her hands on the fader as if to say, we've had enough of that. No, no, I can provide my own jingle, Emily. Would you like me to? Sure. Saturday morning! enough of that. No, no, I can provide my own jingle, Emily. Would you like me to? Sure.

Saturday morning! I remember that. That's what I used to do on the show, Adam. That's a thing. I like it. I've heard you do that when we've worked together here. Okay. When the producer...

Give the people what they want. Exactly. That it turns out. When the producer put her hands on the fader, she did it in a... wouldn't say she was angry but I think if hands could speak her fingertips would have been saying

I think we've had enough of that she sort of shepherded you out of the way with her shoulder and back which makes me think she'd probably be quite a good footballer rugby player I thought the way she went for the legs and pushed over with the shoulder. That's rather rude.

You know what it reminded me of? It reminded me of when I was in a car with a friend's very posh mum and the song Sexy Eyes by Dr Hook came on. And she said, I think we've heard enough of that. And turned it off. We've been talking about a lot on the show this morning. I say a lot. We've predominantly been talking about my wiring going wrong.

And the cavalcade of characters that have been coming through your door to deal with them. And I finally... Some guy in sawn-off tracksuit bottoms. Like that scene when Rocky's chasing a chicken around. That's what I'm picturing. That was traumatic for you, Cockrell. Wasn't it? The Rockies. Watching the chicken being chased around.

You have recurring nightmares about that. Yeah, I have nightmares about that. Well, where he runs up all those stairs as well. I think, oh, my knees. Well, but I was talking, I did eventually get teamed up with a wonderful man for fairly professional purposes his name's john he's with pimlico and i adore him he's been in my house all week but i have had

can't escape pull that i will let him go eventually he's in that cupboard the problem is i was saying to al i don't know i've been i've set the bar i think i might have set it too high on the beverage front and I'm keen to know from any plumbers or electricians or women about the house what they think you've lit up the switchboard with this question

of what should we give I'm going to say it, the staff what should we give the hired help to her was Emily going to tell us what she gave him first are you sure? And then we can see how it goes against whether it can be like a family fortune.

It's going to make everybody else's offering look bad. You said, our survey said... Well, initially I started with tea. Right. So one tea. One tea. And then I said, oh, you can't see some lunch, John? You never. Lunch? Is

that not normal? I thought I needed to make it. This party is catered. He said, oh, yeah, that'd be nice. But it's very unassuming chat. Not remotely demanding. Very polite. No one is at the start. Here to the end of the week. Not message for Madame Cockerell. I said, what sort of anything you like in a sandwich? So this is what I'm imagining. Imagine a beautifully laid table, candelabra, crystal, silverware. That's how when John comes in.

His knee pad trousers. At least he had the right kit on this chap. Emily in a silk kimono. Even the Pimlico Plumber's polo shirt. Anyway. Bucket of ice. What do you make him for lunch? I made him a ham and cheese sandwich.

Nice. I cut it into four. Like he's a child. Yes, like he's a child. Triangles or squares? Triangles. Is that weird? Not so bad.

Squares would have been patronising, but triangles... Is that weird for the club? I gave him... Why did I give him... I wanted him to be cared for. I gave him crisps. I worried that he might not like salt and vinegar, so I got him a choice of ready salted as well.

Nice. Did you get crisps in, especially? Yeah, I went to the shops to buy them. Is that over the top? A touch. I got him three shops to buy them. It's over the top. A touch. I got him three choices of chocolate bar. I didn't know if he was a Twix or a Galaxy man. Goodness me.

What else is... He liked... I said, I had Cokes, but he said he liked Lucozade. So I went out and bought him a Lucozade. What? A Lucozade. And... Do you have a cold?

That's medicine. Yeah. And then the bar started raising later in the week. I said, well, do you fancy a toasty? I thought I'd better mix it up. Because I don't... You can't survive on cold food for the whole... It's time you introduced Hurt Cuisine. By Friday, it was full-on bacon butties. I was putting

ketchup and mayonnaise on. So, please tell us, what do our readers think? We've got a lot of texts that go along the line of a copper is grand, a biscuit or two sometimes goes nice, that sort of thing. We've got that times, you know, about a thousand, so you've definitely gone

above and beyond the call of duty. Have I? 738M said, what comes after S in the alphabet? Emily, can you answer that question? What comes after S in the alphabet? Oh, are you clever little thing t yes that'd be lovely thank you oh i think that's my electrician do you think i've done too much be

honest yes yeah okay thanks for that frank skinner on absolute radio We're hearing from electricians and plumbers this morning and just what they like to eat and drink. Jimmy has tweeted and said, this is what I usually get, hashtag handyman. There's a Mars, a breakaway, no, three Twix, two Mars, a breakaway, and two rolls and a cup of tea. That's a lot, isn't it?

I mean, it's making me feel guilty. I once had an electrician that changed my life. Oh, wow. I booked an electrician. How many electricians does it take to change your life? Very good. Genuinely, this guy, he was doing a rewire and he would come in every day

and moan about the wires in the house that needed a rewire. And he had two catchphrases. One of them was, you've got a right menagerie of wires. That was one of his things. And the other one was, he said, it's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. All these wires. And I was thinking, you're an electrician. You can't possibly be surprised

by the fact that your day includes wires. And he moaned so much about wires and eventually he did the work after a tete-a-tete with me. And it changed my life because I realised,

oh, I don't want to be the sort of person that goes, I mean, I am miserable, but I don't moan about things that I should expect. So I try not to go, oh, God, I'm a comedian. Sometimes there's audiences, you know, like ridiculous stuff. Oh, God, you know, I had to catch a train to tell my jokes in Leicester. Of course you did. That's part of the gig. Exactly. Don't complain. I mean, that's what I love about John.

John the plumber. Yeah, John the electrician. He loves wires. Good. I'm glad to hear that. Wiring. Boys, do you know, we will return to this. Any plumbers and electricians, call me. I want to talk about the John Lewis ad. Have any of you seen it?

Thoughts, please? Do you want to explain what it's, the narrative concept, in case anyone hasn't seen it? Yes, there's a little girl with red hair, and she's got a friend who's a dragon. There's no explanation why she's got a friend who's a dragon. She's just got a friend who's a dragon. Yeah.

And this dragon breathes fire. Don't they all? And do you know what? Very much as you were saying, Alan, that a key to a happy life is to not complain about things you should expect. Yes. This advert is all about that.

Right. This dragon breathes fire. And believe it or not, there's downsides to being able to breathe fire. In a domesticated situation, a built-up urban area. Yeah, he's something of a fire hazard. Yeah, he's a fire hazard. Yeah. I think I would have guessed that.

I mean, we should say, I've watched it several times. Big fan. Well, he's called Excitable Edgar. Yeah. I was relieved because I knew an Excitable Edgar at university. He didn't breathe fire. He's a funny-looking chap, the John Lewis character. He's got a very low centre of gravity, is a kind way to put it.

Power shapes. Yeah. He looks a bit like... The body shape is a bit elderly Maradona. And I would say he has a very forgiving friend because, essentially, he is a dangerous arsonist. I think he's an accidental arsonist, but also I think, you know, it's... You're right, he's a dragon

and they are a health and safety nightmare. But he's... I actually think he's a sociopath. Yikes. I mean, I empathised with that girl. I have to say, she loves him. It says a lot to me about having a friendship. I'll tell you why, Al.

She loves him. She has a friend who she loves and adores and cherishes and wants around all the time, despite the fact that he continues to wreak havoc in social situations and humiliate her. I can't think which male friend it reminded me of. Love you, Frank. Miss you. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We are talking about Excitable Edgar. Who's the star of this year's John Lewis Christmas advert. Terrible teeth. Very gappy. I mean, I like a gap, but come on, mate. Maybe they're trying to shift a few units of electric toothbrushes. Yeah. A state of them, though.

They've smuggled in quite a lot of things that you can buy, I think. Oh, have they? Yeah. Christmas pudding at the end. Well, spoiler alert. Sorry, everyone. Well, if you haven't seen it, I think the Statute of Limitations, in which, you know, that's passed, doesn't it, in which people can say spoiler alert,

to be fair, for that ad. Yes. It's not long. Two and a half seconds. Yeah. Two and a half seconds. Two and a half minutes. So if you half seconds. Two and a half minutes. So if you haven't seen it, I don't... And also, spoiler alert, I mean, it's a very disappointing end twist to the commercial. Because he...

The problem he has is he's setting fire to things without... Accidentally. Like tinsel and a Christmas tree and a pond and stuff like that. He's a twisted fire starter as I say they should have used that music they have Dan from Bastille

singing Oreo Speedwagons can't fight this feeling anymore and the producer started dancing when I mentioned that, this is what the young do and the drunk and sometimes both it's...

Sometimes both. It's nice to see both parts of the Venn diagram here. Well, when Frank's off, they take advantage. They do. They have the late night. No, they don't. I have to say, I didn't smell any alcohol in the studio this morning. What am I saying?

Well, it's either get an early night or just carry on Friday night all the way through sometimes, isn't it? That's the thing. Is that what you two did? Anyway, what were we talking about? The arsonist. The song? Oh, yeah. The other thing about the arsonist, he's very passive-aggressive. When he's

discovered, he, uh, we should say, yeah, just to recap, and he will kill again, FYI. You think he's killed? Well, he's killed their joy. He's destructive. He walks, waddles in. Yes.

Someone's been at the mince pies, mate. Yeah. And he, first of all, what's his... I can't believe your body's shaming that dragon. In his reign of terror. There could be fat dragons listening to this, going this is my life truth. Excuse me, in his, I've been called a fat dragon, in his reign of terror, how does the tragedy start? So firstly, he sets fire. He destroys the snowman. Yeah, he melts the snowman.

Then he destroys the ice. By the way, John Lewis has publicly apologised for the children who were upset that he's killed Olaf. They haven't? Yeah, they have. Have they really? Yes. Apparently a lot of kids were like, oh, the dragon has burnt Olaf to death. Right. From Frozen.

May I say to those children, my dad died when I was four. You can get over this. You can definitely get over this. Guys. Keep it light. Also, if we're going to play Death Top Tramps, come on. That's true. Don't mess with the big boys.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We're talking about the John Lewis ad and Edgar the Excitable. And can I say, Emily is wildly projecting

onto this relationship between a young girl and her dragon friend all of her previous relationships. That does seem to be happening. Whilst we're discussing this... I've discussed it with my therapist that John Lewis had. She texted me and said,

need to talk to you, re-JL ad. Whilst we're discussing this, can we just do a shout-out and a hats-off to at John Lewis on Twitter, who is not the John Lewis shop, who's like a computer science professor or something, who has to field a million tweets about the John Lewis advert every year

and responds to some of them very amusingly. Yes. Really surprisingly funny for somebody who's a computer science professor, I thought. And he says every year things like, oh dear, it's that time of year again. He puts something like, I didn't have anything to do today anyway. My issue with Edgar the Excitable is that I worry about the resolution.

It is no resolution. What happened? I thought you meant like the pixels on the advert. I was thinking they spent all that money, £7 million and Emily can see a flaw on the screen. No, it wasn't that. I do reckon it was £7 million.

Mmm. Yeah. Wow. Mainly in spare fire extinguishers I think for the crew. £7 million, you'd think they could have tidied up his teeth a bit in post. Yeah, I suppose some of that must have been in Christmas puddings from Waitrose for props. Well, that's how it ends, we should say.

So what happens is after his various incidents, she finds a way in which he can be useful. She turns his terrible affliction into a useful tool for the villagers. He breathes on the Christmas pudding. Which is tiny. Yeah. Is it? He walks into a room with about

25 people in it and he gets out a Christmas pudding that frankly I consider to be enough for one. But hey. I would say... Maybe there's a Loaves and a Fishes follow-up coming, I don't know. I would say... Can I tell you about my issue with the resolution?

Yeah. It's that it was a very unresolved ending to the story. He will kill again. You haven't sorted out the root cause of the problem. The dragon has impulse control issues. Right. He's avoidant about his affliction and he will not take responsibility

for his behaviour. He chooses to sulk after each rampage and all you've done is applaud him for doing the thing that was causing your community great pain. Is this what you meant about projecting? Absolutely. Emily sees this advert

as a story of a man who has got more problems the thing that he's good at is not worth all of the collateral damage and I feel like Emily projected

I saw this as trying to domesticate something that maybe should not be domesticated. Oh, yeah. And, like, causing... Because I feel like he is a juvenile dragon. Oh, you think he's a young offender? I think he's a young dragon. He's a young offender.

Yeah. Asbo. That's what I thought. Do you still get Asbo? 8.15. And the truth is that he's going to grow. 8.15, I'm sorry. He's going to grow, need to go and find a cave by himself,

maybe a big pile of treasure to sit on. And probably kidnap that woman when she grows up. Do you know, I was hating the dragon, now you're making him sound like a real catch. Have we heard from This is the Frank Skinner show BTW Not we're of the year 1998 Frank is in absentia

Oh is that the new Anglo-Saxon museum In Rochdale We had an email earlier on that I'd like to bring Your attention to It's titled a touch of frost dear frank at our at m sorry Gareth

sorry Gareth I hope this makes Alan's Friday night troll for I can bear this burden alone not a moment longer I mean when someone starts like that you've got to give it some air time haven't you I urgently need your help to tackle the scourge of winter that affects every British household at this time of year.

I am, of course, referring to TV weather presenters' inability to warn us of a pending icy precipitation without using the phrase, a touch of frost. Like it's a technical meteorological term rather than a common phrase popularised by David Jason's 90s TV detective drama. I'm not unreasonable. Occasional limited usage is perfectly acceptable.

I beg to differ. But please, not every time. And certainly not with a smug look that says this is a fancy weather boffins term. Don't try this at home. Who's this from? Sorry. Can I suggest serial offenders such as Carol Kirkwood

try the following alternatives? Frost, frosty, some frost. Consigning a touch of frost, they go ATOF for that, to occasional guest appearances does this annoy anyone else or do I just need to get a grip or stop watching the weather

warmly yours Jack Frost warmly yours I love JF I don't know if that's a joke name I think it's their real name yeah because it says on the thing it's from Jack Frost let's not read out their email address he was throwing JF from Jack Frost. Let's not read out their email address. He was throwing, JF was, Jack Frost was throwing a bit of shade,

Carol Kirkwood's. A bit of nightshade, yeah. I love a bit of CK. Yes. CK1. But I can imagine how that would be annoying for this person. I have a similar thing at this point of year when people start talking about how many sleeps it is until Christmas.

of year when people start talking about how many sleeps it is until Christmas. Every time I think, well, if it's 28 nights till Christmas, they'll go, it's 28 sleeps till Christmas. And I always think, well, not for my father-in-law, he sleeps three times every television show that he's

watching, so it's just not true. It's not a scientific measurement. Well, exactly, it depends on your age, your state of health. Yeah. Narcoleptic. Can I tell you... Not narcoleptic.

Can I tell you what I... Oh, she was in a coma? Yes, exactly. I mean, that man I was once set up on a date with, thanks to that, who'd been in a coma for 12 years. Uh-huh. Yeah. Um...

He missed a few Christmases, didn't he? How many sleeps did he have till Christmas? He woke up to all of his teenage clothing. Well, he didn't... One sleep till Christmas

at 2010. Dead in the 90s. Can I just say what I hate about Christmas? Excellent. 8, 12, 15. Yeah. What I loathe is some things about Christmas. It. 8, 12, 15. What I loathe

some things about Christmas. It's actually making me feel ill. I can feel the nausea surge up in my stomach as I can't do anything. I can't even say it. I'm going to get it out quickly. If it were done, it was

best that I did it quickly. To paraphrase Lady Macbeth. How dare you? That's what the electrician called me when he left. Oh, Al, I hate this so much. OK, I'm going to do it very quickly. It's when people post pictures of a tree or anything and say, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Oh! On Absolute Radio. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Oh, it's that time. This is the Frank Skinner show, by the way. Frank's not here. I miss him. I love him. But. I'm with Gareth Richards and I'm with the Cockerel.

Morning. And you can text the show, just the one morning, you can text the show on 81215, you can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Gareth, it's lovely to have you here. Yeah, it's so nice to be here.

And, er... Autumn day, leaves turning golden out the window in Golden Square. You doing the weather now? A touch of frosting. I like that it went a bit country-file audition. Yes. What's been going on with you, please? Oh, um, oh, I've met someone. Have you? Yeah. been going on with you please oh um oh i've met someone have you yeah drama wow things are hotting up around here i've got a new friend oh a friend i love it when you make a friend with a comedian friend oh yeah so um i had a gig in laster. Sorry for your loss. Shout out to Lancaster.

Very long drive up to Lancaster from Bournemouth. And I was on the bill with a new young comedian called Andrew White. Can we get some intel on him? You're going to Google it. Okay. And he's 20 years old. And he's been going since he was like 16, I think. Sorry, what have you turned into the Miss World announcer?

He's 20 years old. Correct from Andrew White. And it turns out he lives like 15 minutes away from me. Okay. So he's proper local. I'd prefer that in miles, but anyway. He'd like to sleep till Christmas all over again. Beginning to look a lot like

Al did you drive up to I cast them back together share the petrol money nice is that what comics do FYI some do some don't I tend not to take it do you not get to an age when you don't

I sort of think 10 hour drive Alan I always think of it as... Ten-hour drive, Alan. I always think of it as an expansive thing, like, oh, don't worry about the petrol money, I'll get a lift off you one day. I'm never getting a lift off them in a bloody micro or whatever it is. I like that Alan thinks that's Simon Cowell. Yeah.

I've got this. Yeah. I'll take care of the petrol money. Pay it forward. Yeah. So what's happened with Andrew, what? I mean, is this friendship special to you? I don't, is this?

Well, yes, we had a very long, well, we got to know each other very well on the way up. Yeah, it's a long journey. That's how it works, and then there's the way down again afterwards. Okay. It became a metaphor for my career for a moment then. And he's 20.

It was fun on the way up. On the way down, it seemed longer. I like the way Alan laughed at that, and the way only a fellow comic can laugh at that. He's 20 years old. That's quite an age gap, if you don't mind me saying. Yeah, no, I mean, you know, and it's daunting in a way as you get older.

I mean, you wouldn't know Emily. But with people with an age gap, And, you know, it's daunting in a way as you get older. I mean, you wouldn't know, Emily. No. But with people with an age gap, you think, well, will we have anything in common? We've done the first episode of a podcast. You listened to a podcast together? No, we made one. Oh, I see. Right.

Oh, you're working together now. Yeah. He's your collaborator. I want someone to do a podcast with, and he lives just nearby. Excellent. Lovely. So, um... And what's the podcast theme?

It's called 20 Years Apart. I mean, we might never put it out. Oh, really? It's not been done yet? Well, we did the first episode, but, you know... I thought this was the launch. Yes, I thought this was the hot launch. I thought this was the premiere.

I always have a breakdown after I start a project. So tell me... Wow. Glad you're not my electrician. So tell me, what do you like about him? I'm holding the fence, so what I'd like you to do...

I can tell you that already. He lives 15 minutes drive away. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Gareth was telling us earlier... This is a Frank Skinner show, by the. Gareth was telling us earlier, this is a Frank Skinner show, by the way, I'm with Gareth Richards, I'm with Alan Cochran, I love them both.

Gareth was telling us about ten hours with a 20-year-old. It's not what he sounds like. It's a new friend. It's a new friend. Do you give out sage advice as the sort of elder of the car? Oh, I won't shut up about it. I think that's very much the role that I would automatically take. You have to be careful with the advice

because you think, oh, I've to earn some things in my life. Can the child drive? Can the child drive a car? Yes, he can drive. OK. Don't patronise his friend. I won't be patronising. I will be.

He is. He's given him ten hours of sage advice. You have to be careful, don't you, when you get older. It's what I'm realising. Just banging on about telling people how to live their lives. Oh, I thought they wanted that. Although I have friendships with the young creatures on the show, Faye and Sarah.

I get on very well with them. But again, we give them sage advice. That's why we're helping them with their young lives. The thing is, if you feed them, they never leave you alone. That's what you have to learn. So do you think, you see this friendship running and running?

Well, so first day we're going to meet up to do the podcast. So when are we going to meet? He said, oh, I'm free from half two. And I'm like, oh, great, that'd be great, see you then. So I, can you sense that I've made a mistake there? Yeah. Because, and

I'm a little bit all over the place at the moment in my little brain, but I assumed I'm free from half two meant that we were meeting at two. Alan? Over two are? Two? No, half two. Half two, right.

I've been an idiot even saying that. Yes, I thought we were meeting at two. I would take two thirty. I thought he was coming to my house at two thirty. Two thirty.

I keep saying two. I can absolutely... It's quite an important bit of this conversation. I think I'm having a stroke. Can I be honest? It's making me think you're lying

about the entire story. Yeah, yeah. Get your story straight. This feels like, you know those police procedural things when they say, no comment. I've got an imaginary 20-year-old friend. How haven't we all, dear? Well, Andrew.

How haven't we all, dear? He let the slide down. He didn't come over at half past two, did he? Alan. He did not arrive at half past two, no. What time did he arrive? I had been from half past two, did he? Alan. He did not arrive at half past two, no. What time did he arrive? I had been from half past 12,

I started cleaning the house. Weird, because 20-year-olds don't care. I know, but how do I know? He could arrive and I know, he lives in Squalor, but I, you know, No, they do, because they have pastel walls and cactus. He lives with his parents, and his parents might be tidy. And he could be like, well, a little girl, a friend of my son's came round the other day, Amelie.

And she said to me, why don't you tidy your house? Ouch. Joan Rivers, little Joan Rivers. Why don't you get out? So what time did he turn up, please? I think at, so I was explaining at half two, I think at quarter past three, he sent me a text saying, I'm on my way.

Oh, my God. Sounds like me. I think that's perfectly normal. If this was me, this friendship's over. Is it? Yeah. And, well, the thing is, there is part of me, but then I was like, he's, you know,

he's from a different generation to me. You know, we have to take, you know, we have to be... He's the only comedian that lives 50 minutes away from me. What other friends have I got? And I was like, when he arrived, I was like, this is a funny anecdote for the start of the... Different generations, isn't it? I mean, you're going to, this is a funny anecdote for the start of the different generations, isn't it? I mean, you're going to think this is funny.

But when you said you were free from half-puzzle 2, I thought you were going to arrive at half-puzzle 2, but no, you haven't. It was a very funny start to this. It was very funny. Was it okay? It was fine, yeah.

It was like, oh, yeah, no, yeah, sorry, no, I meant... I didn't cry on the walls or anything like... He's 20 and he actually stopped crying. Well, you know what?

The only thing he heard he was on his phone. Of course he was, playing Candy Crush. The good thing is... No, he wasn't. He's very lovely. The good thing is...

Anne. He'll never know. Yeah. He doesn't listen to this. I've really gone off then. skinner frank skinner absolute radio we were talking how are we having the outside world by the way chaps um we have um 285 said hi it's paul the washing machine cooker kettle microwave dishwasher hoover repair man if you have any issues with the above appliances.

Oh, I thought you meant it was the tracksuit, the man who turned up at my house with the tracksuit. No, no, no, not that guy, I don't think. Oh, is he suggesting I call him? Yes, he says, so, if so, I'll be around for my dinner at about 12.30. Ploughman's pickle on my sandwich, please. Oh, I don't offer pickle. Well, you've accidentally started a trades people discussing

what they like to eat and drink texting. 984, Jason from Wanstead. Hello, Jason. I'm a plumber. Please don't offer me soya milk in my tea because your prices will double. I do feel like there is now a stigma

against the actual cow's milk drinker. So do I. There was a few times at the Edinburgh Festival I was offered oat milk, soy milk, but not animal milk. I know, you've got to have normal milk. Well, although John, my lecky, he doesn't like... Spark. Sparky John.

Sparky John doesn't like, he said, you know, I was around at a house the other day, I was offered full fat milk. Couldn't believe it. Oh, that's what he'd be getting offered at my house. Well, he'd be getting offered raw milk at my house. They specify sometimes. He brought his apprentice with him.

I don't like liars. I don't like con men. That's what Alan Sugar says. He wasn't like that. He brought his apprentice with him, and his apprentice, I said, oh, do you want a soft drink, a Coke? He went, Coke Zero.

Oh. They're very precise now. Aren't they? They don't just do coffee, they want cappuccino. 878 is a tradesperson after my own heart. A coffee is wonderful, but more than anything, we'd like to just be left alone. It's a beautiful sentiment. I've actually got that written in a really nice font on every wall of my house.

You've got it tattooed just above your heart. You've got to have something to live by, haven't you? I'd like to return to Gareth's 20-year-old pal now. I think you would. I was once asked, did I have any advice for a 20-year-old? And I thought about it and I said, look after your posterior chain. Oh.

The muscles are all the back of the body. They're really important. I didn't know what that was. Do you know what I thought it was? I thought it was a strange... I know what you thought it was. I thought it was a sort of strange garment, Kim Kardashian, perhaps, or the posterior chain.

Could you explain, please? Thank you. I think everybody needs to learn to hip hinge, which I learned late in life after a back problem, and hip hinging is really useful, and looking after your posterior chain will all fall into place there. You don't want a bad back. Tell people when they're 20, and then they might be okay when they're 40,

rather than seeing a chiro or an osteo or a whatever. Yes, okay. So maybe you could say that to Andrew. Sage advice from the cockerel there. Yeah, maybe you could say... Yeah, that doesn't make you sound like an old man at all. Suspect it does. Start doing back exercises now.

You'll thank me later. I mean... Just hip hinging, it's really useful. No one is ever going to do that. Well, if I was going to give... one is ever going to do that well if I was going to give if I was going to give the young

advice you know I think I would say rule one don't over pluck your eyebrows that was my

second one rule two never trust a man with two mobiles oh yeah yeah number three if a dragon

knocks on your door wanting to be friends Don't be Okay What advice have you given him then? Um Don't go into strange men's houses Oh dear

It's all taking another dark turning Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio What's happening, boys? Well, uh... I didn't mean to sound quite so odd then. I do apologise. Sir? Sir Rod Stewart has been in the news this week because he's finally unveiled his model railway.

I don't know if you're aware that Rod Stewart is a keen model railway enthusiast. I'm not sure he is. I think he's a very popular man. I played that by mistake. I didn't. I didn't. But I want to say, I actually love this story.

And I love Rod. And I love that he's made the model railway. I was being cruel. I was having jokes. I mean, a little known fact that may have passed you by is that he did an interview with the BBC in 2013 where they wanted to see the

model railway and he said, no, some things are private. I love him! Which I enjoyed. But then apparently it's made the news because he allowed whatever magazine it was to... Railway Modeler magazine.

Railway Modeler magazine. One of my favourites. I bet Frank subscribes. And Jeremy Vine, BBC Two's Jeremy Vine, who's also kind of a friend of the show and a fan of the show. A door jezzer. He started speculating that Rod Stewart hadn't done all of this stuff. speculating that rod stewart hadn't done all of this stuff and uh rod stewart went on in a kind of a defensive interview saying i did actually thank you very much we live in a cynical cynical age yeah when people like vine are the cynics like i don't think people really can i just say model railway i like jesser i, had quite reasonably suggested he can't

have built it all himself, because I would have made that assumption. He's Rod Stewart, he's got a lot on. He's ordering leopard print leggings from ASOS. That sort of stuff. Size M. I think he's a medium. What do you think? 100. That's how much they cost.

Oh, okay. I would have made the same assumption, Jeremy, if you're listening. He, Rod Stewart, then decided to call in. He did? Can you imagine if we had that? Put yourself in Jez's shoes. Yeah. That is basic.

That's big. I mean, imagine if we had, oh, Frank, Dame Judy's online too. Oh, yeah. She says she didn't give you a death stare that time outside the Ivy. Richard Hammond, online seven, Frank. And there's a Commodio Dragon in reception. We'd never stop. That's all.

We'd be working in a call centre if we had to deal with people we'd said controversial things about. Joseph handled it fabulously. And did you hear the interview? I didn't hear the interview, but I did read some quotes from it. Rod said, My wife called and she said

they're insinuating you didn't build it all yourself. Does that not sound like Rod Stewart? Bob Hoskins playing Rod Stewart. He's buried next to my mother, FYI. I love it. I'll keep it light now. He said, what I love, when I heard the interview,

was Rod said to Jezza, he said, well, you know what they say, Jeremy? They say model railroads are never finished. Oh, yeah. Do they say that? I mean, as popular proverbs go, is it up there with a stitch in time, say it's nine? Yes, yep.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure I'd like to hear that Rod Stewart song model railway model railway is never finished I think that particular Rod Stewart song might have been

covered by Satchmo but can I say I want to praise Rod for this. Oh, yeah. Because better than playing video games, taking funny things with silly ladies or men, he's doing an innocent... Sounded a bit odd. He's doing a lot...

I would say there's an element of meditation to it. It's focus. There's detail. Oh, a lot of detail. He's safe in his attic where I like them. And sometimes in a spare room he gets a hotel with an extra room to do these bits of carpentry and modelling. Yes.

It's a really positive little hobby he's got, isn't it? I'm just surprised because I thought if he was going to have a hobby it would be sailing well did you notice the papers said I am railing oh nice but he also said I like both jokes

oh no I've upset Gareth now I'm going to have to go oh no he's really upset I was shocked there weren't more people in the models because he's good at the faces. I'm here all day, ladies and gentlemen. No, you said ladies. Trying to make jokes. The Fez has arrived, but Gareth, I want to...

He's in a band called Faces. He's telling a young woman and it's all getting a bit tragic. You have to explain for the 20-year-olds. I want to say I liked, Rod said, you know why I like Rod? He, another thing he said. How dare you? He said

I find beauty in what everyone else sees as ugly. He's a man for me. We're talking about Rod Stewart, and what I think is his rather marvellous little hobby, I won't patronise him, his rail... He says railroad because it's actually a model of New York, isn't it?

And Chicago? It's like a 1940s American railway. I think he picked American because the trains are a bit bigger or something like that and the buildings big buildings yeah he says rapers taking him 23 years yeah he's done 19 tours during that period it took to um reconstruct the model and it's great i have to say that I like a celebrity who calls into a radio show. Yes. That doesn't mean I want anyone to call in today.

Yeah, don't bother. But, Simon Cowell, Frank, is it true that you said my hair looked like black shredded wheat? No, Simon, he would never say that, Frank. The thing is, though, you know he said it's very noisy. You know he has actual sound effects on the train. Oh, yeah, it's like a soundscape thing going on. He's got people talking. He's got birdsong.

Well, he did say that he's done it all himself, apart from the wiring. Oh, I like this. He's not very good at it. Well, I've got a man for him. Do you know what he said? Great tracksuit bottoms. He said. That's why he's in a rush. This. Well, I've got a man for him. Do you know what he said? Great tracksuit bottoms. He said...

That's why he was in a rush. This is the bit I really liked. Yeah. He said, the only thing I wasn't very good at and still am not is the electricals. Electricals. But I also like the fact that he wasn't very good at it and he still is not.

Like, there's no improvement. I wondered how he'd got his hair like that. That explains a lot, doesn't it? Do you know what I call it? I call Rod's hair Coronation Street Matriarch Chic. Meets an extra 30. Gets 240 volts through them. I used to live near a Rod Stewart lookalike, and I would see him just...

Oh, stop name-dropping. I'm sick of it. Just pop into the shops in South London with his Rod Stewart hair, but like tracksuit bottoms on. And I wonder if he's now got like a less good railway set since this has come out. Because he might be thinking

if it's good enough for the real Rod, it's probably good enough as a hobby for me as well. I think I thought it showed Rod in a marvellous light. Me too. I really did. I thought It's good to have a hobby. It's good to have a hobby.

It keeps him on the straight and narrow. See what I mean? I found I found out my wife has a hobby. Straight and parallel. You find out your what? I found out my wife has a hobby this week. A secret hobby. Oh dear. She's been calling Misha's men again. We were on a dog walk and she said

have I told you my hobby that I do on dog walks? And I said, no, you have not. And it turns out she sees how far she can walk with her eyes shut. What? On a dog walk in a field. Are you kidding? No, I'm not kidding. Like, if she feels like the path becoming grass,

she'll think, okay, and she'll start walking back onto the path. I'm not kidding. She's fantastic at it. I had a girl, I could do about three steps. She can do half a mile, fully eyes shut. I mean, it's a curious talent. Fair play. This is extraordinary.

She needs to audition for Mr Magoo. Fair play to her. I think that's frightening. It was really frightening. This is quite a bombshell to end the news on. We will be back next week with further updates on Mrs Cockrell and the curious case of her wandering around with her eyes shut.

Coming up, we have... Sarah, Sarah. Which we look forward to immensely. It's been so lovely being with you this morning. Frank, we'll be back next week. Thank you so much, Gareth. Watch where you're going, people. Thank you, Alan.

And lots of love and good luck to your wife. Be seeing you. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.