The Frank Skinner Show - Lime Barrels

Episode Date: May 16, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. As the UK is still in lock down the team bring you another show working from home - direct from the linen basket! This week Frank had a surprised ruined and Alun has had a strange work offer. The team also discuss the Rich List, cardboard cut outs and double A-sides.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're not live, so do not text the show. But you can still follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram, or you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. Hello, guys. Hello. Good day. Hello, guys. Hello. Good day to you, gentlemen. You could both be naked, for all I know, in your respective homes, but who cares?

Who cares any more about that? I'm wearing some of the Lecoq Sportif branded tracksuit bottoms, since you asked. Very apt. You're wearing branded items lovely and a and a track suit top that's my get up for broadcasting not that different from non-lockdown britain i think i think when lockdown is fully released i might end up starting just wearing track suits all the time like a personal trainer or something i don't know if i'll ever go back to dan it more a collared

shirt i mean i always think that if i went through the publicity shots of ocean color scene and inserted you with photoshop no one would notice yeah for years anymore do you know what frank there's definitely a kangol hat in that copper cupboard oh for sure are you with me there's kangol i've got one of those somewhere. It's in my I've got one. I've got one because I saw Elvis wearing one on the beach. So I bought one. You saw Elvis shooting a light bulb.

You haven't done that. I didn't actually see that. I only heard about it. We keep getting requests if I've got more Elvis anecdotes. As if I was one of the Memphis Mafia and I knew him well. But I might throw one in later. You know what for the hell of it so stick around if you had you been in the Memphis Mafia how do you what would you have seen your role as do you know what I mean I'd like to have been the one who wasn't on class a drugs um well I've no there wasn't one but

I've met several of the Memphis Mafia and they're all slightly broken men in that respect but also what I do like about them they very very

upfrontedly say since Elvis died, life's been rubbish, really. It used to be just mega exciting. Now it's, you know, we've never got over it. And I kind of like that. I like, you know, when you get people like, people who were big in a soap opera 30 years ago

and then they haven't worked for ages and they say, no, no, I've still got loads of stuff going on. We've all done it. What I like about the Memphis Mafia, they say, no, no, it's been absolutely rubbish since he died. I respect that. It's the

Paul Burrell honesty. Yeah, was he famous for his... Paul Burrell, well, I suppose with Diana. I don't think he was famous for his honesty in some ways. No, but it's the Paul Burrell, he talks about the princess quite a lot, I'd say. Yeah, he does bring her up now and again. But, you know, it must have been quite a big energy to be around, I would have thought.

Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Oh, now, can I first of all say, do you remember last week, I had to sort of stop the comedy for, I think it was almost two hours, because I had to bemoan the death of Florian Schneider of Kraftwerk. And then, so we do the show, it goes out on the Saturday, that afternoon, little Richard dies. Oh, no. I mean, I still think the creator of one of the great rock and roll lyrics of all time, a-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-wop-bam-boom, which sounds like me being ironic, but I do think it sort of sums up that. Do you remember youth?

Do you remember when you were, like, really young? How dare you? Teenage. And, you know, that burgeoning sexuality, which could only be expressed by words like a what-bop-a-loo-bop-a-what-bam. It's like the way religious people sometimes speak in tongues. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I saw him at Wembley Stadium in 1972 and was very excited to see him. And he played two or three hits, was brilliant. And then he just got the band to play a 12-bar blues and he took all his clothes off. So it was less good than I hoped for. You see, the song that sums up youth for me, I would say, is probably Jump Around by House of Pain. I don't know that.

Well, it's just what children do, essentially, or the young. There's so much energy in them. Yeah. By the way, that same Wembley gig, a bunch of Teddy Boys, I remember, canned off Gary Glitter. Did they? In the same gig. Yeah, they knew.

They knew. They knew. It's just 72. They just instinctively knew. They knew. It's just 72. They just instinctively knew. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It was my sister-in-law's birthday this week. So we decided to go over to her house to drive. I think this is allowed under the current

see my lockdown rules. Who knows? We decided to drive over there and then stand outside a window. This is me and Kath, my partner, and Boz, our child, each holding a sign. Happy, one would hold,

then birthday, the second one and then buzzed to be holding Auntie Rachel so we got all set and Kat said I've told Rachel we're coming and I said why did you do that

and she said well I just you know we don't just turn up. They might have been out or something. And I said, this is probably the last week in the history of Great Britain when you can be 99.9% certain that someone won't be out

if you turn up impromptu. So anyway, I'll be honest with you, I was a bit miffed. So we got over there and um i bet you contained it though but she had no idea oh yeah exactly you know me suffering silence so um she was sitting on the step the whole her whole family were sitting on uh the family that lived there she hadn't broken any rules. And we got there and we had the signs under our arms and then we just had to get them out in front of her

and hold them. And she says, oh, I'll go and get a camera and took a photo of us. And I thought, it's a lie. It's a damn lie, that photo, because we've just come round and then got the signs out in front of us it's awful

She was actually within earshot Sorry? She was within earshot, you could have just spoken to her Well exactly, it was just a visit in the end, there was no element of surprise or specialness I thought it might be something we talked about for the rest of our lives

It is a bit like if a streaker sent out a press release saying, I will be performing a streak at 3.15pm at Twickenham, you know? I mean, in my childhood and youth, it was absolutely the norm to turn up at people's houses out of the blue because so many people didn't have phones of any description. And so I remember walking to my brother's, which was three miles away, went to his flat and he wasn't in. So I just walked back again.

Wow. And that was the norm. But I don't think people, I mean, you live up north, Al. Does that still go on, the impromptu arrival? I mean, outside of the current crisis and people knock on a bit more in them in the north than they did when i lived in london but even then i don't think anybody would walk three miles and knock on and then just turn around and walk back i'm sorry unless they're living in a harvest advert or something we're just gonna act like knock-on is a thing? What is a knock-on? The first time he said it, I didn't get it,

so I was poised to question him. And the second time he said it, somehow repetition produced clarity. And I thought, oh, I've got it now. Well, that's how I'm homeschooling. Repetition produces clarity. I think that's... Please don't mention homeschooling.

Oh, dear. Oh, man. We had another major. We had a row about the celebrations on VE Day. Oh, did you? Me and my seven-year-old. I mean, I don't remember it, but, oh, God, it's been absolutely nightmarish. I did a master stroke as the teacher the other day.

I said, do you want to just stop this and we'll all get our books and read for 15 minutes? And then I put a timer on. We sat and read our books for 15 minutes. They loved it. And I just put it on again. So we just sat and read. It was great.

It was really good. Yeah, I think that's a... I recommend it. Is there a legal obligation for education? Reading's good. Oh, yeah, it's good oh yeah that's good on absolute radio yeah so that there we stood anyway um i was talking about earlier about going to my sister-in-law's um non-impromptu and um she brought out birthday cake which is lovely and put it on the step for us to get and then we

were all too frightened to eat it in case it had a little bit of covid in it so it's just left it's just left there this is terrible the whole trip was a terrible thing but you know i'd love to know what i would do if we were live is i would ask people to text in worst surprises ever because we must have all been involved in trying to set up a surprise, whether it's like, you know, people do it with proposals, they do it with parties, general, any announcements. And I would love, we can still do this for next week. I would love to hear about ones that just,

that like this one have ended up as as desperately bleak you were involved grotesque pantomime you were involved in one concerning me which a surprise that didn't ever well it all fell apart a bit do you remember jonathan ross attempted to surprise me by papering, having posters all over Edinburgh. And then it turned out I was ill and in bed all weekend. So I'm afraid. Well, that was a shame. I mean, he spent good money on those posters.

They were really funny and clever. But yeah. Now, maybe surprises are, maybe they're an error. They're a thing of the past, maybe. Do, it's maybe surprises or maybe they're an error. They're a thing of the past, maybe. Do you think? Maybe. Maybe now that we're all locked down, they're a thing of the past, surprises. Remember, I think customs officers used to ruin holiday proposals, didn't they,

by searching people and finding engagement rings and stuff like that. That's a thing, I think. I would say that customs officers must have given people a few surprises over the years. They certainly made my hair stand on end, I'll tell you that. Yeah, it's... The big proposal thing, I mean, that is the big proposal thing. I mean, that is such a mighty risk when people hide rings in trees and then go for a walk and say, oh, what's that glinting? What about the flash mob as well?

I don't know. Flash mob proposal. Does that still exist? The flash mob? I believe so. Not now, obviously. Oh, no. No, no, of course not.

Speaking of, remember we used to have a thing that was whatever happened to, and then I would play whatever happened to by the Stranglers. Obviously, we don't have any jingles now in the current working on my linen basket. But I use as a generic jingle a small extract of me live singing Susan, beware of the devil. The Dandy Livingstone hit from the 70s. Susan, beware of the devil. OK. And here come.

Do you still get double A sides? Do they still exist? Oh. And also, what was the point of a double A side? Was that just impatience? Surely if you've got a double A side, the common sense is to hold back one half of this twin magical combo

and put the usual thing of a relatively pedestrian B side and then bring the other one. Yeah, but we don't all have your hair shirt approach to life, which I admire, may I say. Well, it's a bit carpe diem. We've written two great singles, two songs. Let's put them out on the same. That's madness.

I'm trying to think of an example. Madness, they would have done it, the double A's, I'm sure, at some point. I don't think they barely had enough for a double When we come back we'll have thought of some famous double A sites, looking forward to it Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

Oh I enjoyed that one I don't know what that track actually was obviously because we're not live but I just like, I'm just, the playlist on Absolute's so good, I enjoyed that one. I don't know what that track actually was, obviously, because we're not live, but I just like... I'm just... The playlist on Absolute's so good. I know. I enjoyed it. Oh, yes, we were talking about double A sides.

One that sprung to my mind was the bicycle song and Fat Bottom Girls. I'm pretty sure that was a double A side. And in fact, one of them refers to the other. I think the bicycle song refers to, uses the phrase Fat Bottom Girls. So there's an intertextuality going on between the two double A sides. Very clever. Very clever. i'm loving your

queen knowledge these days frank oh yes the beetles i think strawberry fields forever was one half of a um of a double a side but i can't remember what the other one it's not eleanor rigby is it i don't think but surely with the Beatles, you know, retrospectively looking back, all of their, everything was a double A side. Even their B sides were good. Yeah. Do you think anyone has ever had the honesty and the personal integrity to having record some stuff to put out a double B side?

So, look, to be honest, we couldn't come up with a really good one. But, you know, you're getting two, two average ones. Oh, man, I would... If that's ever happened, mega respect to those people. So what do you think is the logic of the double A side?

Or was the logic if it no longer exists? Isn't it a show-offy thing of our good songs are in such abundance, we're just going to give you both of these now because, you know, that's how great we are. It's attention-seeking, isn't it? I think it's a bog-off, isn't it? Maybe.

Oh, I see. Isn't it the idea that you're buying a single but you're actually getting two singles for your money? Anyway, when this finally reaches you and you can respond, I'd love to know what our readers would call the best double A side of all time. Also, I think streaming has definitely killed the double A side because you don't know what's A or B. Oh, yeah.

I mean, everything seems to be like... There's no science. Cue now. Albums without science? Yeah. Was that a Pink Floyd track? Without numbers. Albums without science.

Tracks without... Singles without... Yeah, go on. I'd like to just talk to you very briefly, and I say very briefly, advisedly, about Doctor Who. Oh, yes. Good luck. Well, I Doctor Who. Oh, yes. Good luck. Well, I've gone back in, Al.

Oh, have you? Yeah. Which era? I don't know things like that. Who was the Doctor? It's a recent one. Oh, okay. Jodie Whittaker was the Doctor.

I think it must have been the most recent one on iPlayer and I'm not going to lie there wasn't much on so I thought I'll give this a go. There wasn't much on iPlayer. What a terrible.

I've seen it all. What does that say about the babies? I've seen it all. Okay. And do you know what? This is what I would say to you. Brilliant writing.

Fabulously directed. Amazing performances. Some brilliant lines. I would say to you brilliant writing fabulously directed amazing performances some brilliant lines really witty scripts you know I loved the writing at one point I liked it because you know the one of the characters says she says oh you're not such a bad human I'm from Yorkshire that's a love letter as such ah yes I remember it well all standards, this is quite a recent review, isn't it? This isn't a hashtag lay review. I could give you

the numbers of at least 500 Doctor Who fans who would not give anywhere near a positive review for anything in recent times.

I get to that point. That's Doctor Who fans for you. And I think, I'm loving this. It's brilliant. And then I hear... Oh, hold it there. Hold it. And then, should'm loving this. It's brilliant. And then I hear... Hold it there. Hold it. And then

should we make that the cliffhanger? So there we've got Emily absolutely loving the new Doctor Who and then... Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Now I'm excited about this. If you were listening to the last link,

you would know that Emily Dean heaped praise on Doctor Who in its current manifestation. And then there was a moment when her voice changed. What is Chapter 2 of this review? Shall I tell you what chapter two is? It was a character in some sort of silver spray painted costume walking into the room and saying, Leader, optimal proximity to boundary. Oh, OK.

And I'm sorry, how can you write this brilliant script with all this wit and sort of character, and then you've got these people, heavy breathing, coming in. At one point, the character says, you dare to question the strategy of the Siberian. Now, I'm sorry, but prior to that, you've got people speaking normally. Why do they speak like that?

They just need to get rid of the monsters, Frank. That's all I'm saying. They've had some robotic implants. Oh, have they? Which, yeah, that affects their voices quite a lot. If you can imagine. If you can imagine to be built, so you were sort of built into a robot.

So you were sort of part, there was some flesh in there and some WD-40 living side by side. I was watching it with subtitles on because I couldn't understand what they were saying, the side of them. And at one point, all it said was muffled breathing. He sniffs, exhales loudly. When you first described someone coming in all in silver, I pictured those street performers that you used to see that don't move unless a kid puts ten pence in a hat.

It's not worlds away. They must be having a hard time now. Oh, I should think so. So what I'm saying is... About time too. My review of Doctor Who is it's fabulous and I really would love it if they just get rid of the monster thing. Well, I can't agree well i mean that is that is

like when they did a remake of um faulty towers in the united states of america and decided to drop the basil character because he was too aggressive i think it ran for three episodes they made um they made the prunella Scales figure the owner, and the person who came up with the brainy scheme that saved the day every week was Manuel. Wow. So they tampered, is what they did. They tampered, they eroded.

Do you mind the monsters, Al? No, I haven't seen it, but I was going to say, I've seen some Frank Skinner-approved television this week. Remember last week you were talking about an art programme? What's called the is it called the joy of art the joy of painting oh the joy of painting i uh i talked about the same the same landscape painting every week i thought it was one of your eccentric stories and that night i went upstairs and my wife and children were watching it it's very very watchable, although I completely agree. It's exactly

the same show every night. It's unbelievable. He's an interesting character. I've watched it too on the recommendation of Frank Skinner and I absolutely loved it. There's one bit on it where it's almost like his cheery mask slips. As he's painting

he just stops and he goes, I'm okay. And then he carries on. Oh, well, he's an ex-military man. It's really odd. It's like he's had a flashback of some kind. I think he was in Korea and stuff. I think he's a bloke who could,

I mean, it seems odd, you know, but mid-relaxing landscape, he could go, he could suddenly add napalm to the mountain scene, if not allow. Yeah, he's no longer with us, Bob, but I think he took out about 18 people in a McDonald's. No, he didn't. He didn't.

He didn't. End the link now. Oh, do you think I should? Yes. What do you do for safety? Yeah, you're probably right. Thank you. It's good to have a legal representative with us at all times.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We're not live, I'll be honest with you, so do not text the show, but you can follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram. Or, of course, you can email us

via the Absolute Radio website, for goodness sake. OK. So... We've heard from our readers, Frank. Tremendous. Do you remember last week you were discussing the lyrics was it a live and let die or live and let live as i think you called it live and let die yes i'm not totally across the lyrics as i called it live and let live but yes there was a grammatical query about the um about that but yeah then we got on to the great lyrics of all time and i think i

offered up as a par example um the mountain greenery song which rhymes mountain greenery with with the line beans could get no keenery section in a beanery. That was where we went there. Hard to top what we got, what they got. Well, Paul Hughes from Gateshead says, Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. The discussion about poor song lyrics this morning, it wasn't really poor. I mean, I think we mentioned a few.

No, it was remarkable. Then you must make your own judgments. Well, no, because I did cite did cite she's broke but it's okay it's california from lady as a tramp i don't think he says the k part i think he just says she's broke it's out well that's why it's california yeah he says she's broke but it's okay oh i hate it um it's reminded me of a favorite example of mine it's a bit of the broth song i owe you nothing are you familiar with i owe you nothing frank very familiar okay thank you al you'll know this then he says i'll watch you crumble like a very old wall a simile for frank to cast his poetry

analyzing eye over there i am i quite like it i i tell you what I like about it. Our garden wall on both sides of my garden is very crumbly and decrepit. And it's got that fabulous, that sort of decaying grandeur that you get in Venice. And I really like that. So I could imagine saying,'s let's not um name names but I can imagine saying to someone are you you know that you look like uh what's the line again you look all crumbly like a wall he says I'll watch you crumble like a very old wall yeah I can see that being um I can see me having said it then justifying it as meaning that they look like they've got a distinctive glorious aging about them and i i grew up in yorkshire and then and

i think dry stone walling is uh quite prevalent in that county and it's massively overrated it's it's always falling apart every time you you just they should then they should moisturize it'd be much better i don't think bros were thinking of the dry stone walling but can i just point out another it's reminding me of another great bros lyric in when will i be famous so that's the only i'll go out be honest i thought there were one it wonders and now you've opened my eyes. I had all the albums all too. And of course, I'm no longer legitimately can I sing When Will I Be Famous? One of the great losses of doing well.

Oh, God. Do you want to hear this lyric? Yeah. They say in When Will I Be Famous, you've read Karl Marx and you've taught yourself to dance. Oh. I mean, come on, Karl Marx and you've taught yourself to dance oh yeah I mean come on Karl Marx in a pop song fabulous I think that's the formula

doesn't exactly doesn't Karl Marx get a mention in um Panic in Detroit on Aladdin Sane no no it's um isn't it in Driving Saturday Lennon read a book of Marx or something like that Detroit on Aladdin's Sane. Isn't it in Driving Saturday, Lennon read a book of

Marx or something like that? Or is it American Pie? This is good, isn't it? Multiple choice radio here on Absolute Radio. Oh, that's a good one, I must say. I must look into Brost and I thought they were in and out.

Did A-ha have more than one hit? Yes. Did they? Yes. Not many. No. And as you know, I often get them confused with elbow. Because I don't know my RR.

Anyway, I think that might be a good time to go to a link. No, not into a link, out of a link. I thought you said into it. No, I did say into it. It was a mistake. We can change it in the edit. We won't. We won't.

We're leaving it in. So get over it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I was talking about my strange, see my lockdown life. How's it with, what about you, Al? How's life up north? Life up north is good. I haven't launched a poetry podcast in lockdown

and I haven't got a writing career so lockdown has changed things quite dramatically for somebody that predominantly was a live comedian in that it's all gone I'm guessing you've written three or four hours of top end stand-up At the very least. Yeah. As a conservative estimate, I would say that, yeah.

But it's just finding a place to perform it, isn't it, in a safe and convenient and hopefully lucrative way. I was hoping to get some job offers, you know, maybe like some voiceover or something like that. But not much has come in, I'm not going to lie. But then the other day i received an email that really made me realize how few work offers i've had recently um i'll i'll read it to you uh good it's entitled it's entitled comedian and it says good evening so far so good comedian

comedian good evening alan i saw you online i'm looking for a comedian who would be willing to do some naked stand-up over Skype slash Zoom slash et cetera for a nudist get-together we're having. Might you be interested? RL. And it's sent from a perhaps unsurprisingly secure and private email. RL, Frank. Who do you think? Robert Louis Stevenson. No no he can't be here

he wouldn't be party to it either he had a character called Alan didn't he what about Richard Lester directed the Beatles movies well I just assumed that it was another comic perhaps pranking me oh yes assumed that it was another comic perhaps pranking me. Oh yes

yes surely. Surely it's another comic. Or maybe you know a fan of the radio show thinking I wonder just how low the cockerel will stoop for a few quid. What about Rayleigh Otter? In that context. Might be Rayleigh Otter.

And I'm not mocking nudists. I don't want people to think I'm mocking nudists I just I'm laughing I'm somewhat amused at the the work offers that I'm I'm currently receiving I'd love to know whether that was a it can't be a real thing can it well here's my question to you can you guess what I replied to this email um i'm guessing you refused the job well oh did i get that wrong let's just say god times are a bit lean frank yeah so are you happily um well i'm not that lean i I've been really piling it in during lockdown. My reply, how much? You didn't.

I didn't put my name. I didn't put their name. I just put how much, question mark. You didn't. And then I got a reply saying, I don't even know what to suggest. I've had a wide range of quotations. What's your usual rate?

Now, I love the idea that this person thinks that i have a usual rate for a naked zoom gig yeah i would i presume you take your normal right and double it at least also i've got to say alan i hope this person was male you've got to be very careful about sending emails with how much to ladies they started it at least he didn't ask that um well i don't know i i used to go out with a naturist and uh she was very um championing of it as a lifestyle and said she met a lot of uh interesting uh people oh i'm sure they're lovely i just just don't know if it would help my... Oh, no, I didn't believe her. I didn't believe her for a second. I just don't know if it would help my jokes

if I had nothing on. I always guess it was all weirdos. But, I mean, I've been wrong before. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about you, Emily? I'm guessing you still lead an interesting and varied life. Genuinely thought for a second you were asking if Emily would do the nudist gig that I'm doing.

No, I can't. Also, Zoom, could you do one? It was just bare shoulders and you just said, no, I am naked. I did wonder if I could hide myself a bit. Because the thing is about nudists, I wouldn't have thought they'd have asked for, no, I am naked. I did wonder if I could hide myself a bit. Because the thing is about nudists, I wouldn't have thought they'd have asked for, dare I say, hard and fast evidence.

If you said, no, I am naked, I think they are the sort of... I imagine they're quite... You think so? Yeah, I think they're the sort of people who... Yeah, they must be trusting. Aren't they nudists? I mean, to be honest, it's like a triple threat. I'd be nervous about the technology. I'd be nervous about my comedy because i'm rusty and i'd be nervous

about the nudity it's actually more like an anxiety dream than a work offer yeah it's uh it's but i mean you know when you have to use the stuff around you at the beginning of an act it's a one-way of being a prop comic so what about you emma i'm guessing you haven't had any offers of a similar nature presume away um but it's interesting that you say oh you lead a fascinating life because i did just tell you i devoted an hour of my life to watching doctor who but anyway that's what made me think of it oh you've gone up in his estimation it's partly moffat moffat's you know moffat has has drawn me to who yeah you know he doesn't

write the current no i know but i know that Everyone calm down. We've all had a drink. I wanted to ask you boys about the clothing situation. We're talking about Alan and his no clothes policy, depending on the price. And I've noticed, I've definitely been, my style has changed in lockdown. I say changed, it's kind of disappeared. So I've never been a fan you know I've always hated that concept of save it for best you know that idea of oh I'm not wearing those shoes I'm saving it for best or I hate that I think it's like that 1950s notion of a front room that you keep the best I just think there's something a bit mean-spirited about it I also think in in the midst of a global pandemic it's probably optimistic isn't it

i think i think um wear it while you can is probably the i think you're right and you know i think it's partly because i remember years ago an ex-boyfriend i always remember the posh dad when the my boyfriend at the time offered me a gin and tonic and i never forgot the father whispering leave the gordon's get the sainsbury's gin out of the cellar and i know i know it was a low well i where i always think of is when i used to be an enormous fan of um lime barrels in um i think it was dairy box dairy box of chocolates and they were like a chocolate half barrel. Yes, I remember them. With lime juice.

And I loved them. And I was bought a small box of chocolates. And I thought, oh, man, there's two lime barrels in this. I couldn't believe my luck. So I ate all the other chocolates that I quite like, saving myself for the two-lime barrel. And I was just finishing off a coffee cream, and my brother Keith burst in and went, wow, chocolates, and just ate the lime barrels.

And ever since then, I think you do what they do on American chat shows, top-weighting. You put the good stuff on first. I think that you do what they do on American chat shows, top weighting. You put the good stuff on first. And I think that, yeah, now I always eat the best chocs first. And as you say, holding back outfits and stuff, it's an error. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Sorry, I interrupted Emily with talk of lime barrel chocolates. You were saying about keeping things for best. Yes, and it turns out I've never done that. But this lockdown has changed my whole attitude to that, because really, it's a bit, you know, it's a bit tree falling in the forest, isn't it? In the sense of if I wear the holy bobbly jumper, and no one's around to see it, did I ever wear it? You know? Great. But do you, is there an argument that if you wear just sort of sloppy, you know, you see those people who just wear sportswear. This is no disrespect to you, Al. I'm on about, not in. I am one of those people now.

Not in semi-lockdown. I always think that because they're sort of fleecy and elasticated, that it leads to sort of fleecy and elasticated that it reads it leads to sort of fleecy and elasticated thinking rather than buckled and uh finely stitched thinking so even if you're in on your own do you think it can drag you down a bit if you think i'm just going to wear that that jumper i've never really liked for do you know i didn't until just about a second ago i think i think you could have a point it's it's the sort of slightly more sloppy less disciplined approach to life isn't it well there was a man i read about who um he was a scientist and whenever he worked and he was mainly not somewhat much in the lab, in a lab coat as a bloke who wrote.

He wasn't working in the lab late one night. And he would put on a suit and tie to work because he held science in such high respect. And that was just when he was in the house, you know. So I just wonder if there is an argument well i it's interesting you should say that because i've noticed for this period you know i have been wearing a lot of holy jeans you know i went out for a walk with ray the other day and it felt very drafty and i got back and i i sat on my kitchen bench and I got a shock. I didn't realise how big the hole was under my bottom. Yes.

Oh, really? Yeah. And it's little things like that. It's like you said, it's just I noticed I put a dressing gown on the other day. It was a white sort of toweling robe. But I had the belt was a grey, was from a grey robe. And that is upsetting. I'm not a big fashion man, but I draw the line at that.

Kath does that. Kath will wear a dressing gown with a different belt. And I find that inexcusable. As a martial artist, I just assume that you've been promoted to grey belt. Grey belt is for the seniors who do martial arts this is what I've decided she wears a lot of odd socks as well Kat

does she you think Kat's always dressed like lockdown wear yeah I think she has but she feels that it's an affectation to take the time to find the matching socks I think it's an affectation to wear odd socks personally but we're all different do you know what i would say during this period what

i've decided is that i'm sorted i'm bringing the subs out garment wise for a get for a few games and then getting the best i can out of them and then i'm going to start afresh when we're all allowed out again with box fresh you know so i'm just wearing them into the ground it's like just taking a relationship to the absolute final sort of end the worst round you can have yes before leaving yes we've all we've all i can think of a relationship that i was in for, I would say, three years. I mean, an extra three. Three years where I knew it was never going to work, but I just hung around.

I wouldn't recommend that. I think Absolute Radio does not recommend that, if I remember rightly, to any of our listeners or indeed our presenters. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what, I was, Emily was talking about

how her garb has changed. I'm calling it semi-lockdown now, the current period. I've noticed that as I've got older, I've become a bit warier about T-shirts with things on them, you know, slogans or, you know, well, Doctor Who. Doctor Who T-shirts is what I'm talking about. But I've been wearing a lot of those now and I've found it very liberating.

I've been wearing my Bizarro Superman T-shirt. And I remember I was looking in the mirror, because I'm cutting my own hair, and I had the Bizarro Superman, and I thought, God, I always assumed that the S was the wrong way around on this, assumed that the S was the wrong way around on this because the S on Bizarro Superman Bizarro Superman is a sort of messed up Superman from a parallel

universe lives on a square globe. We all knew that. Yeah. And I thought I always thought that the S was the wrong way around on the Bizarro. It isn't. So that was a revelation and then of course it occurred to me I was looking in the mirror yeah anyway so so what what else um well i did i mean this is

continuing the closed theme i ended up as a result of there was one morning hasn't happened most mornings i do try and ensure that i'm i'm dressed at least there was one morning when I'm afraid I had an epic fail. Can I withdraw that um actually it sounded a bit too it sounded like someone at the end of a food show going um oh that's nice yeah no I withdraw that and I was wearing you know one of those things I was writing and I'd gone one of those things, I was writing, and I'd gone, sometimes when I'm writing, I go a bit Gollum, you know, and I just go into my hole. And I was in my Gollum hole, and the doorbell rang.

Gollum doesn't wear a lot, does he? No. He'd do well at the nudist gig. He must feel the burn as well in the thighs, Gollum. He's in a constant squat, more or less. Yes. It was Gollum in a fleece bathrobe is what i was okay so the doorbell rung and it was the postman and i know my postman i love my postman he listens to the show so this is going to be embarrassing because i'm afraid i told him a lie and i'm ashamed and i went I did that thing that women often do

when there's a knock at the door and they're wearing not much, which is they clutch the lapels of their bathrobe together. Are you familiar with that? Oh, yeah. And I said... I'm picturing you, Joyce, going to the door in Man About the House. Yes, exactly. And do you know what I did?

He said, oh, hello, and he looked looks surprised he's been up since six or whatever you know it's half 11 i'm there in a bathrobe he said hello and you know what i did i said oh hello oh what i did i feel sick i'm so ashamed of this he's covered camouflage did you okay i said no i don't know what's happened i just i feel so embarrassed this is my way of confessing to him because i know he'll hear this he said oh you poor thing but what do you think it is and then he panicked backed off yeah and i thought now he thinks i'm a vector i said oh it's not the virus definitely it's like a and I didn't know what to say and I used a word go on I used a word I haven't used I don't think in my entire life I said it's like a general malaise that is very very fine I mean it's a word we all know but for some reason we never go out there

I honestly thought you were going to pick hangover, but malaise is so elegant. Oh, I said malaise. Malaise. Interesting, Les. Oh, sorry. No, that was, and then I just, it was awful, Frank. I said, I hope you get better. I said, I'll be okay.

I'll just rest up. Lying for no reason at all. The interesting thing was you were talking about how you've become very Gollum-like. Your voice was very, I think it's Alan Howard in the film of the, whatever that Tolkien book's called, Lord of the Rings. The voice of the ring is... whatever that Tolkien book's called, Lord of the Rings. The voice of the ring is...

It sounded a bit like you actually did voice of the ring in your most Gollum mood. It's funny old world. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We're not live, so please do not text the show, but you can follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram, or you can email us via the Absolute Radio website.

We haven't really talked about the news, have we? What's in it? Well, the Sunday Times Rich List is in the news. Of course. As indeed, it seems like a hardy perennial. news, what's in it? Well, the Sunday Times Rich List is in the news. It seems like a hardy perennial. Hardy perennial, isn't it? And ironically, it's always talked about in the run-up to it for some reason, rather than on

the actual Sunday. I think it's because probably the Sunday Times want people to know about it before it goes on sale, rather than after. Well, also, Frank, it is essentially, I call it the Rich List slash Burglars Cut Out and Keep guidebook. Yes.

Burglars to-do list. Although there wasn't many shocks. I'm surprised how many people, I think there were three Beatles including George Harrison via his wife and son here comes the sun it was there's a lot of people who linger McCartney's up there Elton John

what about Michael Flatley come on Flatley's in the he's the 10th richest musician in Britain. Britain and Ireland, I suppose. No wonder he dances with his hands right next to his pockets. Is he actually a musician?

He's a dancer, isn't he? Excuse me, he's the lord of the dance. He's a lord. He's not just a me, he's the lord of the dance. Oh, he's a lord. He's not just a dancer, he's the lord of the dance. Oh, so it might be inherited wealth if he's a lord. I think if you had to sum up his profession, Michael Flatley, you'd say he raises his legs for money. Surely.

How much? A lot, it turns out. Yeah. But he's still up there. See, I didn't know he was still active. Is he still doing a lot of live stuff? Well, not the moment, obviously. I do remember he had a film out.

Do you remember hearing about this a couple of years ago called Blackbird? I remember the very, very early years of internet. He supposedly had a film out, but people thought it could have been a lookalike. But anyway. God. Flexible. He's flexible, flatly.

Flexible, flatly, I call it. This was a spy, a sort of thriller, that he'd written, directed and financed. Now, when you financed it yourself i worry i worry yes it was i just remember it was called blackbird i'm sure our readers will know more about it and i don't believe it got a release but um yeah i'm not quite sure what happened on that front but um well i'm desperate to see it though having found out that it exists. I remember the tagline. It said something like, Michael Flatley as you've never seen him before.

And I remember thinking, what, with a top on? Yeah. Good point. Yeah. Likeable. Likeable. Wow. I think he's richer than the actual Bond.

Daniel Craig, it turns out. Is that right? Yeah. But he wasn't in the musician I find it hard to cross pollinate across the various rich lists There is a general rich list isn't there which covers all the bases I think that's the week after isn't it

I think No Alan, the general rich list is all steel and milk cartons, it's not the fun ones Yeah I wish something like the Morning Star list is all steel and milk cartons. It's not the fun ones. Yeah. I wish something like the Morning Star would have a poor list of the 500

poorest people in Britain and put it all in perspective. I mean, I know it might be a well, I don't know, would it be a more tragic read? I don't know. It depends on your definition of tragedy, I don't know. Would it be a more tragic read? I don't know. It depends on your definition of tragedy, I would say. But that's coming up next.

We were discussing the rich list and indeed the poor list of the poorest people. I think that you could justify, if the Sunday Times said we're doing a poor list of the poorest people. I think that you could justify, if the Sunday Times said we're doing a poor list as well, the justification would be, okay, people are excited about, like last season in the Premier League, Liverpool and Man City battling it out, but also the relegation battle is interesting.

So you could justify it. And I think there's something, I thought they might not have the the rich list this well i didn't think that because i don't think about the rich list much but if once i was aware of it i thought they might have given it a miss this year right in context well i don't know if it's in poor taste the whole thing is a I've got a theory though for you, Frank. Go on. That reminds me of, I told you that story once, didn't I?

That posh man, I think he was a duke that my dad was filming. And one of the crew just literally made a comment about something, I don't know, the grandfather clock or something. And his brilliant response was, get out out fellow noticed me things and there is something very fellow noticed me things about all of this isn't it exactly i bet elton john says that every time he reads the rich list fellow noticed me things can you imagine the varying context he's used that quoting oh come on that's disgusting i'd say one thing about it is that there are some people where you think well that's it you can see that their financial success is related to their talent hard work whatever not always some less so. I mean, most of the musicians I've truly loved have died, you know, I think as a friend put it, sans pas pour urination.

Whereas the sommers... I don't remember that better than Michelle Thomas. Oh, Michelle Thomas. Michelle Thomas, which I recommend as a language learning, lots of shortcuts. But loose dentures. So we'd say, cheve, I'm on my way. And I found that very difficult to live with.

Great, though. Michelle Thomas. Language courses. Try it. Frank, for this rich list, I do think there should be a line in the sand between self-made and inherited, frankly, because it's the equivalent of the drugs cheats in the sporting. It's an analogy that you came up with, actually.

And in terms of writers, I remember you coming up with that. It was brilliant. And people, comedians that use writers. And it's the same thing for me. You know, you've got people that race clean, that start with zero. If you start with several million, I'm sorry, different race. Discuss. Well, there's a lot of...

Who would that apply? I mean, presumably the musicians and sports people are usually the only ones I ever look at in this. They're all self-made, aren't they, more or less? Yeah, I don't think Ed Sheeran inherited his wealth, did he? Well, he is the richest musician under 30 in Britain and that shows an effects pedal is much cheaper than a band I think

we can all learn from that he's a bit like me getting hair clippers and a thing for getting the hard skin off the bottom of your feet I mean just get a gadget, don't get people get a gadget no matter how much you earn

you heard me right, sorry no matter how much you earn, Elton John... Yes, madam, you heard me right. Sorry. No matter how much you earn, Elton John will still mispronounce your surname. Yeah. She ran. Elton John. Number five, tilt-handed. Yeah, he's tilt-handed.

Fair play to him. And a tier one, another one I noted, is Lewis Hamilton is the richest sportsman, I think, in the world. Ever. He's the richest in Britain, according to this. But he is the best in the world, isn't he, at what he does? So I sort of think that's okay. David Beckham was Richard's sportsman for quite a while. I don't think anyone at any point in his career, for one second,

thought David Beckham was the best footballer in the world. I would say that he mingled a reasonable amount of talent with what I would call... Would you say that? I would say he took the Anna Kournikova route to the rich list a bit. So he was a good footballer, but he was good looking and all that. And I think that that's the difference. You've got to ask how they got there rather than how much they got. What about that for a nice little aphorism?

Self praise. If I was on Twitter, I'd have that out like a shot. But obviously I'm not. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Emma, I hate to get you to repeat yourself, but that fellow noticed me things quote, which is such a very fine thing. Where did it come from again?

So my dad, who, as you know, was sort of a documentary maker, and he was making a documentary. I cannot remember who it was. I'll find out. But it was a duke of some sort. So it was a member of the aristocracy. And they were in his stately home. And a member of the crew had commented, being very polite and pleasant, saying,

well, that's a nice grandfather clock. And the Duke's response was, get out, fellow, notice me things, he said to my father after he'd asked the man to leave. So I think it's... So the idea is there's something a bit crass about mentioning people's things, like material belongings. Yes, you're not allowed to comment on material possessions because it's not allowed.

I'm just going to love it. I'm going to write it down as a potential heckle put-down for my nudist gig. Fantastic. Oh, it makes me happy. Fantastic Oh it makes me happy Top of young rich Sportsman Gareth Bale I was surprised by that

Can't get a game Can't get a game And also a bit of footage Of him recreating that overhead Kick at his home with like a sponge Ball on his couch I like a sponge ball and his couch. I like that. He's got a huge couch and I'm sure it's just so that he can do that.

I tell you what, he has got a lot of cushions. Yes. Gareth Bale's cushion collection. Honestly, there was like three or four. I mean, he was turning a lovely big sofa. I think he's probably had that experience when you sit on a sofa and most sofas are not. It looks like no one has ever run a tape measure

along the thigh of the average human being because you sit on a lot of sofas and you can't sit right back and and get the front that sort of fold of your knee into the front of the cushions you know i mean they're too long they're longer than the average thigh so i think he's thought well this is too long for my thighs i'll just get more cushions yeah that's how i like that you um instinctively adopted the footballers tents whilst talking about Gareth Bale. What he's thought is... I've looked up.

I've seen that. So it's not the best list. It's the best agent list in some cases. Do you think so? Well, Anthony Joshua's on there, which doesn't surprise me because he's had a good few years. If you've been at the absolute top end of your career like that i think that's uh that's reasonable

but i'm i was reassured to see some rubbish people in there it's made me feel better about everything yeah i was surprised that there's um one of those street performers, Painted Silver, managed to get on there. I mean, that is... Yeah, when that was compiled, but now they could be heading for the relegation battle. Probably took a dip, yeah. No, I was thinking the other day, I think

I just sat back and thought about my career in retrospective. And I think things I've done, like creatively, I think they've been often not good enough to be popular, but too good to be very popular. Oh, okay. And that's, I'm thinking that might, I don't know any stonemasons,

but I'm thinking that could be a nice inscription at the end. Yeah. We'll see. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we're talking about the rich list, Frank, or as we've now rechristened it, the fellow noticed me things list. Yes. list Frank or as we've now rechristened it the fellow noticed me things list yes and um I was interested obviously the sports section I like I like the sports area in that list because you know

they own the big bucks don't they but I wanted to while we're on the subject of sporting news I saw something I loved this week which was um a picture from the Bundesliga club Borussia, is it Mönchengladbach? Oh, yes, Borussia Mönchengladbach. In München steht ein Hofbrauhaus, eins, zwei, zwei. Sorry, I ordered an umpah band. It didn't work as well without them. I like it.

But have you seen this brilliant way they've come up with to deal with essentially the social distancing affecting fixtures? They've got this initiative called, is it called something like stay at home in the stands or something? Yeah. So essentially you pay £17 for a cutout. I'd say the pilot scheme for this was the Arsenal mural. Yeah. So essentially you pay £17 for a cutout. I'd say the pilot scheme for this was the Arsenal mural. Yeah.

Yeah, so it's thousands, in fact, I think, of cardboard cutouts of real fans in their actual seats. And it's the sort of head and shoulders. So if anyone's familiar with the game Guess Who? Yes. It's essentially you're a Guess Who figure, aren't you? Very clever. a sort of head and shoulders so if anyone's familiar with the game guess who yes it's essentially your guess who figure aren't you very clever yeah it's uh i mean it is a really nice idea i just wondered i presume it rains as much as at bundesliga games as it does at um

in in english and british games so are they gonna get a bit um a bit swollen and blistering and start to let me think of when i we were due to play everton we being west promage albion and i looked up on the website what the everton fans were saying about us and i said a lot of the albion fans won't wear collars you know but you'll be able to spot them because they all look about 52

even the kids so I think it's a great I think it's a great idea and it goes to charity the money not to the clubs obviously they've already paid

they've already paid for these seats I'd like to ask you both something as um you know you're both comics you do your little gigs would you um at your little gigs would you consider that let's say they said to you you can go back on tour you can do some shows but you can't have an audience but you can do this cardboard cutout scheme i think first question to quote alan cochran go on together one two three how much i think i looking back i may have unknowingly done some gigs um to a room full of cardboard i've definitely done gigs to an audience that looked bored.

I don't know if it's the same thing. Very good. I am a big fan of a cardboard cutout. I don't know why they aren't more popular. In fact, I'm sitting now, I'd say five feet away. I'm not properly socially distancing. He's rather rude. From a cardboard cutout Dalek.

Oh, you're not. Yeah. And I used to have a John Wayne cardboard cutout from, I think it was, yes, it was Chisholm from the film Chisholm. I recognise the outfit. Have you ever had any live-sized cardboard cutouts? Can I tell you, I associate them very much with the video stores of the sort of 80s and 90s. And there'd be a sort of Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Terminator.

And then I associated it quite a lot with students, if I'm honest, in the room. Yes. Having a sort of diehard Bruce Willis or something. I'm going to make this another one of our long term texting for next week. Who have you had as a life-size cardboard cutout? Let us know, because I'm very interested to find it. I think that if you want, never mind the rich list, let's find who qualifies for a cardboard cutout.

We were talking about the German club Borussia Mönchengladbach of the Bundesliga having cardboard cutouts of all their fans in the stands. Because one of the problems in doing this in Germany is it's quite hard to represent a mullet in 2D. is it's quite hard to represent a mullet in 2D. I think they'll have to imagine some of that. Yeah, have to imagine party at the back. I suppose that's what 3D printers are for. Yeah, exactly. Just for that.

I wonder if you can pay a bit extra and get 3D printed for the game. Do you not find cardboard cutouts a bit depressing? Well, it'd be much easier to walk down the line that you're sitting in, wouldn't it? Yes. Because most people at West Brom, I would say, were the upper end of sturdiness rather than the skinny end. And getting down the it's quite difficult

getting down the row is quite difficult. Well it will be next time you go after this broadcast legs all thrust out to trip you over when will that be I wonder I'll tell you something though I think the Premier League they think

is going to restart playing behind closed doors as they as they always thought it which I love I love that. Always has been in my history but there you go but I I see the, have you ever considered

having a cardboard cutout nowadays just for old times sake just on the pillow anyway just for old time's sake. Just on the pillow. Anyway, you know, I think that, I know footballers would own up to this, but I think once they've played a couple of games,

you know, they're all saying, I'll be terrible, there'll be no atmosphere. I think once they've played a couple of games, they'll be saying, oh God, to each other, do we have to have fans? Yeah. I mean, no, There's no abuse. No one's giving up when we 1-0 down, giving us a lot of negative

vibes. Nobody's throwing anything. No smell of pies. I think it's a bit of a risk. I think they might never come back again. How are you going to keep them down on the farm now that they've seen Parry

that's the question I'd like to make a very good texting under normal circumstances I just think maybe the standard of the football will get better when we watch it behind closed doors and I think players who we thought were very average will suddenly look brilliant

because they haven't got people on their back. They haven't got that nerves. People booing them. Yeah. Telling them that they're rubbish and sending back all that stuff. Yeah, I think it'll be a revelation. It'll be quite zen.

The game will be more zen, obviously, which I quite like. You'll just hear these sort of ghostly voices. I quite like that. I used to go to reserve games when i was a kid and there would be like a hundred people in the stadium and that was a bit like that you could hear them shouting at each other and oh yeah and all that and please no one texted and say isn't it essentially like being arsenal because well, that is, yes, exactly. Well, you know. The Arsenal mural, of course,

which was, I think they had to have one and there was building at one end of the ground and so they put up a mural, but that didn't feature actual individuals like this. No. I think this is a splendid idea. I'm very keen. Now I've become a Bundesliga enthusiast

from now on. Oh yeah. I'm really keen to watch a game on the telly with the cardboard cotets. Yes. You're Roy Keane you are. I am slightly Roy Keane. Or Diane. But I don't really drink now so not

completely. Anyway, so we come to the end of another lockdown, remotely done show, and we've got through it. And thank you guys for listening. Mucho apreciatum. Do keep, as they used to say in ancient Rome, do keep sending in stuff because I miss, God, I miss you guys

I miss your input enormously, so please stay in contact and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week, now stay alert This is Frank Skinner

This is Absolute Radio.