The Frank Skinner Show - Linen Basket

Episode Date: March 28, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team are all working from home as we self-isolate. Frank has been joining in with the daily Joe Wicks work outs and has an issue with runners. The gang also discuss Madonna’s video from the bath, innovative meals and clapping for the NHS.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Listen, we're not live, so do not text the show. Put it back in your pocket, that 50 pence. But you can follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram or email us via the Absolute Radio website. So we are working from home, which is, of course, has already become something of a tradition. So I don't know about you guys.

I am hunched over my linen basket. And that's literal. It's not any kind of euphemism i have a desk but there's so much stuff on it um i don't think i could place uh a flooring on it i don't think i have enough room for a flooring you know what a flooring is is it an italian coin no it's a two shilling piece from yesteryear. Is it? We've started. We've started a bit retrospective already, but that's fine.

Hello, boys. I'm at my linen basket. Where are you guys? Can I just say I'm worried that the hello, boys sounded a bit late night adult channel. I do apologise. It always makes me think of, I think it was Ava Hatsikova in a brassiere. The car crash poster campaign. Yeah, exactly. Hello, boys.

Yes. Oh, I mean, how many other radio stations do you get Florence and brassieres in the first minute? You know, I was at the Brits. Mars biography. My first ever visit to the Brits, the Smashing Pumpkins were something like band of the year. And I even heard Segova presented it, and she just opened the envelope and shouted Smashing Pumpkins. And I shouted here, here, and didn't get a single laugh.

Of course you did. Of course, no, it wouldn't be acceptable. Then you'd have thought I was in with a shout. Yeah. So where are you guys you're at are you at your in your offices your respective offices you first i'm i'm actually in my cellar which has a sort of an an area that we call the den it's like a little living room we've had a cellar conversion i used to do very well when people gathered and we'd tell jokes to them yeah

i hope you've got a nest dick keep we'll talk about that off air yeah i don't want to sob on the radio but i've already um i've seen your cellar um and it looks no frank i've only seen a lot of cellars in my time yes we know we call them dungeons but how are your friends coping by the way well they're very good at following rules in the snm community so um generally they've been uh they've been excellent i must say and i imagine they're absolutely scrupulous on the hand washing front hygiene for these people and also um i've seen a few of them recently before we were all incarcerated, and they all had the zips closed on their gimp masks. So the S&M community are taking the whole crisis very seriously.

I should imagine now that handwashing is actually painful, they're loving it. Well, yeah. Once you get down to the bone. Where are you sitting, Em? Well, can I just say, while we're on the subject of hand washing, my skin, I mean, if I went on Tinder right now, only Komodo dragons would be interested in me. I'm at that level.

It's not good. And I don't think they're on there. They can't get their paws to work the keys. That's the shame about the Komodo dragons. I wouldn't mind, but I find them a bit unpredictable and they're prone to rages. That's the only thing the komodo dragon i wouldn't mind but i find a little bit unpredictable and they're prone to rages that's the only thing that would put me off a bit they were years ahead of the uh the trend on this because their saliva has always been uh deadly because they bite people and their saliva if the if the bite doesn't get them i'm talking now komodo dragon um that the the saliva

um does so um yeah oh yeah they're they're a twin spearhead the komodo well billy bob thornton i may have mentioned this before called them pure evil i seem to remember. But, you know, I mean, that's one thing in their favour ofs. But I'm sitting. Go on, Frank. No, no, please. I'm sitting at my kitchen table. Lovely. And I have Ray behind me gnawing on some hide.

It's lovely. Okay. Do you do all your own slaughter it desperate times frank yeah i know i'm guessing there's a welsh dresser with some um willow pattern dinner plates is that correct it's very much that vibe there's a lot of there are some copper pans hanging up decoratively never used that well. That Welsh dresser is supposed to be quarantined. You need to send him out of there. It sounds like Little Women.

There's about eight jokes in that, none of which I'm going to do. I think maybe music. Frank's Case on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did you join in with the public applause for the NHS on Thursday night? I did. I went out to my concrete patch, Al, and I was wearing koala pyjamas and my slippers. And you know what i liked i could tell my area was quite middle class because i heard a man saying bravo bravo brilliant author

pd is excellent i uh i didn't know this thing was happening and i was actually on the phone to my mum at like five to eight on Thursday and then she basically hung up on me in order to go and stand in the street and clap she went I've got to go it's the NHS clap thing and just walked off I've used that line to get out of a conversation before now exactly but I didn't expect it from my mother but no indeed she went off and and then i said to my son and my wife i said oh it's the nhs clap thing we should go to the door and honestly thought it would just be us really and it felt like the whole street was really loud um but also similar to uh emily dean i am i think i live in quite a middle class area and there's a couple of doctors on my street. Oh, lovely. So did they clap

or did they just come out and bask in it? Yes, did they bow? Did they just come on for an encore? I don't know what that was about. If they'd have bowed, that would have been brilliant.

If they'd have bowed, I'm author. If I'd have been those doctors, I would have put the white coat on just in case people didn't know. I say that my wife and son son we stood on the step and applauded but actually and uh and i hope you don't judge her too swiftly my wife did not applaud she did not applaud the nhs for the first day night um and there's a reason why she go private

yeah in our road we didn't do it at all we're having one for private medicine tonight she's from some real money in her background no she didn't applaud and i'll tell you why it'll take a little bit of setting up on sunday mothering sunday we as a family went for our government mandated half an hour of outdoor exercise oh yeah and we were in the park beautiful sunshiny day and we were playing a game a bit like tig where you sort of snatch something from uh one member of the family would wear like a a makeshift tail like a t-shirt you know stuck in the back of the shorts or whatever and it's like snatch the i think it's the tail off the fox or something so we're playing that.

People will be writing this down as things to do as you're in lockdown. Well, may I warn them against that? Because we played it for about five minutes. And in a freak accident, my wife snatched the tail and broke her finger very severely. Oh, no. And turned around and went, I've just broken my finger. And of course, we're like well the worst possible place that we have to go now is hospital because we've all been told that it's a global

pandemic and I did what I think might be the most middle class thing I've ever done in an emergency I phoned a friend whose husband is a doctor and said where should we go and he was sat next to her and came on the phone so it's been a very dramatic week but I don't like cause of injury lunging at a foxtail it's a bit depressing cause of injury

a five minute game of TIG essentially you know my dad broke his finger of course he did tapping a balloon up you know you just tap a balloon too many times and he hit the mantelpiece and broke his finger and he didn't go to the hospital and forever then it was a weird crooked horrible piece of grisly meat that just stuck out of him well i want to know what happened in the skinner household. Well, I will tell you that in a minute, but I think we're

in need for some music. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We went out on our front step to applaud the NHS and just me, Kath and Boz, just the three of us, we model our

household on the Holy Family. That's nice. Mary, Joseph and Jesus. And we went out and we were applauding and then Buzz went in after about 20 seconds and I thought, oh, he's only got 20 seconds of applause in him. That's a blow. He came out with his trombone and blasted

out some raucous notes for the NHS. Oh, how marvellous. Which was actually brilliant. It was a vrooom and people loved it. It got laughter in the road. Any laughter you can get mid-international

crisis is worth a try. Well, a child playing a brass instrument might be my favourite thing in the world. I just absolutely love it. Well, obviously in our road it was less of a novelty because I often get people gather outside my house at night and just applaud. There's a lot of love out there.

But yeah, Buzz gave it a sort of Dixieland feel, the whole NHS. I love New Orleans. Yeah. What I noticed, there was a lot of, there were some pots and pans over my way as well in North London. Oh, people banging them. Well, it was a kind of, yeah, it was a bit of a stomp reunion. But that was very much a thing. I noticed there's a producer, Spencer Millman,

who you'll be familiar with, Frank. I think you've worked with him. Well, I'll tell you something interesting fact about Spencer Millman. His dad, who worked in the clothing business, made the Velcro skirts that were ripped off the box face, ladies. Oh, shut up. In Eurovision. That's an excellent fact. That's for jealous what a brilliant thing to have in your history about everyone that he's ever worked

with well go on try me no no he posted on twitter last night a picture of a broken wooden spoon he'd been beating so virulently okay to make the noise i mean i have to say uh i know we're here for light-hearted purposes uh but it was it was a moving event i was really it was a brilliant thing the nhs applause yeah i was i was i was I didn't cry but I was full up as we used to say. I was full up. I was really full up. I was. I'd had an earlier terrible day. We're not a million

miles from being that comedian that you sort of say a round of applause for the police. No I know. I know. No that was No I know but I did think last time usually if I'm outside my house crying in pyjamas, it's not for such a moving reason. Indeed. Well, exactly. And I find if I've just been dumped, I tend not to applaud them on the way out. um now i um yesterday um kath made buzz a bit of uh a sort of bit of toast stuff and burnt the toast and the um the alarms went off the smoke alarms went off in our house well i'm a guy who doesn't

really do anything anymore i call i call someone in to do it and the alarms went off and I thought I have no idea how to stop the smoke alarms these could be on for 12 weeks yeah that was my thought and you know what I thought no you've got to do it these are different times and I went and I went around with a step ladder and I twisted them all off the ceiling and they stopped and it was a special moment and at the end of it buzz said to me oh well i've got to go and wash my hands again now i said why have you got to wash your hands after that you said my fingers are covered in earwax oh it's a lovely lovely story which i i cherish I cherish. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I would like to take us to the outside world.

Lynn Arneson. Let's start with her. Morley Lass. That's a Twitter handle. She says, what's the most innovative meal you've had to make with the offerings left in your kitchen cupboard? Well, that's a great question. were the offerings left in your kitchen cupboard? Oh, that's a great question.

Yeah, because we've had a couple of moments when I've thought, what if we can never get food again? That'll be that. But I had a, I mean, I haven't been desperado so far. I've had a pasta with no, maybe people do this anyway, but I had a pasta that was just with sauce and no meat or anything. That's as hard as it's got for me.

Do you know what I mean by that? I've got linguine with butter and pepper and salt. That's good. How do you feel about that? if you're going to eat pasta well i feel like i have to um take hold of the eccentric combination food reins here yes i i went quite early on the we must eat everything food waste is a cardinal cinger in these troubled times and so i've started and you want to save money it's handy yeah exactly i've started making a real meaningful effort on um demolishing any food that is in the freezer to make space for other food that could go in the freezer when we get to

do a decent food shop again oh yeah so i find myself the other day eating five portions of frozen sweet potato mash that we had just in the freezer and three fried eggs and some leftover cold duck from the night before. Cold duck? This is the world's strongest man. I've been on holiday with them and that's what they eat. Yeah, it's a great combo. The eggs or the duck? Do you know what? It was pretty delicious, actually. It was not a bad way to spend, like, 10am. Well, I mean, I know you delivered it as eccentricity, but it's making my mouth water, I'll be quite honest with you.

No, not my mouth, Frank. Too greasy for these times. What, the duck? Yeah, the duck. I think it can be if it's hot, but it was cold duck. OK. It was all right. I always say duck is a meal best served cold.

Oh, no, that's revenge, isn't it? I always get mixed up. I'm down to my last three muffins. And I love the muffins. We all are, dear. Andrew Dembina has also been in touch. I wonder if it's related to the popular comedian Ivor Dembina. I don't know. We'll get in touch, Andrew.

He's got in touch via Twitter. I think me and him had a big falling out, actually. This is going to be terribly embarrassing. Best leave it. This might put the family feud to rest. No, it's fine. Andrew Dembina says, can Frank and Alan give us a preview of the kind of joke

they both might already have for their first post-quarantine stand-up routines? Cheers from two months plus social distancing, Hong Kong. Two months plus, he's good. Wow. Well, I mean, what i resent about this question is a suggestion that i go on stage with any sort of pre-planning i find they fall off me like windfall fruit and there's no need to write any i'll just walk up there and just see what happens it's like uh

turning on a garden sprinkler for me. Yeah. And if you believe that, guys, I have the Brooklyn Bridge for sale. We've had a message in via Instagram from Rosie Rouse. So here it is, boys. What new skills are Frank M and the Cockerel learning

during the isolation? Well, first of all, I've learned how to operate the laptop home microphone setup, which I'm very proud about, which is so far, so far is so goody as I think Christopher Biggins used to say on children's television um retro I I have completely bought into um

the Joe Wicks work that are live yeah I've been doing it. I missed Monday. I didn't know they existed. But I did Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. I have to say, they're supposed to be for children. I've found them gruelling. Absolutely gruelling. Has Buzz been doing them? Me, Buzz and Kath line up our mats next to each other.

And we do the Joe Wicks workout live every morning at nine o'clock. Can I say to anyone listening, I would strongly recommend it. What a handsome man Joe Wicks is. And full of enthusiasm. He's full of enthusiasm. Well, I mean, there was a terrible moment. Do you see Joe? He gets called, doesn't he? Is that when he gets called?

Yes. It's very disrespectful. I'm sorry. There was a moment which only a performer maybe would have picked up on this. But he said, right, so we had 860,000 hits tomorrow. It's going to be a million. Yesterday, rather. It's going to be a million. Yesterday, rather. It's going to be a million today.

We're going to go for a million, a million. Let's have a look at what we've got. 650. That's brilliant. That's brilliant. And then he adds it to the whole routine, which is all about, as you say, he's a bullion,

where I could see his heart was bleeding. Oh, Joe. I thought, oh, Joe, never set it up his heart was bleeding. Oh, Joe. And I thought, oh, Joe, never set it up like that. If it happens, great, but never set it up. You know, it reminds me of in the telethon when they used to do that. Let's go over to the school board and see this time last year we'd raised this amount. And when it's a disappointing rise.

Yes. Oh, I hate a disappointing rise. Stop it, Frank. Yes. They have I hate a disappointing rise. Stop it, Frank. Yes. They'll cease to disappoint. You can tell that these are unfamiliar times by the fact that I, like Joe Wicks, a man who has a natural enthusiasm,

which in normal times I find a trait that I love. He's good company, isn't he? He's sort of, you know, I've done a couple of them. We did some before my wife broke her finger on Sunday, we did them. Oh, well, but Joe has got

some sort of wrist implant on, unless he does a falconry one straight after the workout. Joe this, Joe this, Joe that. You've got to mention itis. No, but seriously, I mean, the only time during this where I genuinely thought I had the awful virus

was post the first Joe that I did. And I went to have a shower after and suddenly I felt really sick and ill and had to lie down. And I realised it was just shock. It had been so long since I'd done any physical exercise. I'd woken up all sorts of inner toxins. He focuses a lot on the lunges, I find. And I'm not a lady who lunges.

There's a great song about that. Yes. So a little less lunging. Well, there's a great song about that. Yes. So a little less lunging. Yeah, the lunges are hard. But I would urge everyone to do it. First of all, I'd like to get him up to a million to get past that awful thing. If you've ever seen a man have terrible career news

and then have to bunny hop, you would know the difficult times we are living in. I've also been looking at him and thinking, my hair's going to be that long in 12 weeks. So I'll be able to get to a barber. So I've had to readjust my hair as well to allow for growing. Because I thought if I keep the quiff, by the end of it, I'll look like some sort of Korean pop star so I've already I've gone I've gone slightly fringed I'm moving towards a fringe I'm in a halfway house the desert island chic is going to be a huge this autumn winter well I certainly smell like it This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

This is the Frank Skinner Show with Frank Skinner, Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We're not live today. Sorry, we're not live. So don't text the show. You'll be wasting your money. But you can follow us on at Frank on the radio. That's Twitter and Instagram. Or you can email us via the Absolute Radio website.

And even if we don't get them now, which, you know, we probably won't, do that because if we end up being quarantined for a long time, I really would hate to lose that part of the show, which was our readers' input because that is such an important thing and I'm not just saying that for baloney. I mean it. So we really want to hear from you. I could probably give out all sorts of texts and emails

by which you could contact us, but I don't have them at my fingertips. I mean, personally, I think we should say stuff for baloney. That would be a decent exchange at the moment. The going rate of bologna currently. If anyone wants to send any bologna. It's like a bologna. It's like a tulip fever, isn't it? Bologna is a processed meat, isn't it, Al?

No, that's bologna, isn't it, with a P? No, it's bologna. I mean, this is exactly the sort of thing that normally we could have asked 8, 12, 15. Well, exactly. I'm sure it's bologna. What is bologna would be one of our more highbrow textings. I think it's processed meat, Al.

Are you with me? I think so. Thank you. No, I think you're on the same track, but I think it's bologna with a P. Oh. Anyway. What are we going to learn about bologna? We can put it on Twitter, maybe. Yes. Anyway. What are we going to learn about Poloni? We can put it on Twitter, maybe.

Yes. Maybe. Just briefly, at Unsavoury Character, oh, one of mine, says the show not being in is the first sign of the creeks rising, which is lovely. Well, yes. But that's why we're saying we will continue to do the show.

Well, we'll certainly do our best. At the moment I think we've all been untouched by the the horrible thing haven't we but it's

it's it's scything through people in the public eye isn't it it's it's going for celebrities just as much as

the common man if I may say well currently we've got Prince Charles Boris Johnson our leader, and Matt Hancock, the health secretary. Yeah.

I suppose they're in the firing. All with mild symptoms, as it turns out. That does make you wonder if the rich have got some sort of deal going on somewhere. Well, do you? Well, you know, no one's called me. I haven't been out much. I'll be honest with you, I haven't been out.

Do you feel like you've been left out of the WhatsApp group of the rich? I have, yeah. Hashtag rich. I like that the new status symbol, which used to be, what are you driving? You know, those conversations. And now it's, how many toilet rolls you got, mate? That's the new boast,

isn't it? Oh, yeah. I'm not too fussed about the toilet roll thing. Are you going to, you'll be all right. Well, I didn't use a commercially sold toilet roll

until I was, I think, 14 years old. You only got them on the pirate toilet roll market. Commercially sold. Black market toilet roll. What was this if it wasn't commercially sold?

Well, no, it was commercially sold, but it was commercially sold for reading the news in. Because we used newspaper throughout my childhood and into my early teens. I mean, we regarded toilet paper as an affectation. Wow. I mean, I'm not joking about that. It's actually absolutely true.

And the age of the free newspaper, I mean, it's a great time to bring it back. Sorry? Did you have sort of imprints of cartoons and news stories on your backsides? I couldn't see. I couldn't afford a periscope. It worked perfectly fine as far as I could tell. I never really examined, you know. But honestly, so don't worry.

As long as you've got, as long as you've been keeping up with the press, I think you'll find that'll be okay. It was absolutely fine. It's like we never bought pet food, you know. I mean, that's scraps. That's what pets eat. Yeah. Of course, we'll all be eating those soon.

Here's me paying for gluten-free dog food. I mean, it's absolutely outrageous. This idea that... Someone told me once that... Sorry, I don't want to step... and free dog food. I mean, it's absolutely outrageous. This idea that dogs... Someone told me once that... Sorry, I don't want to step... We've all had a drink. They said they gave their dog vegetarian dog food.

Oh, ridiculous. They said it actually suits them better. And I said, well, look, we had a dog. We used to kick it out the yard at about nine o'clock every morning and it would come back nine o'clock at night. And the local butcher told me, he said, I'm sick of your dog. It sits outside my shop and barks. And I said to this person, I never had that complaint from the greengrocer.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Have either of you seen the Arnold Schwarzenegger video? I went a bit formal there. He's Arnie, isn't he? He's a one-name man, really. But he did a video with his donkey Lulu and his miniature pony Whiskey who both live in the house.

Yes, I saw that. Did you see that, Al? I did, yeah. I didn't think it was a very nice house. I thought it was a nice house. Surprisingly normal, wasn't it? Yeah, well, except there was a donkey and a horse in it. And he does say at one point in a sort of,

I was a bit misjudged, he says, as you can see, we live in very small quarters here. Yeah, I wasn't certain if that's just that he's used to being so massive that even rooms that look all right are kind of small and confining for him. He said some amazing things. One of the things he said about the coronavirus was don't go in crowds because touching other people that's how you get it i think i'm amazed the government haven't forefronted that trump probably hasn't mentioned that what i liked about

the arnie lulu and whiskey triumvirate was that Arnie was very much, you know, you've made this point before on the show, Frank, about how often with celebrities, they'll cut their hair and they'll keep it exactly as it was when they first got famous so that they're always recognised. Now, obviously Arnie's done that with the crew cut, but it's not a crew cut.

What is it, Earl? It's like a sort of flat toppy thing. It's a sort of army regulation. It died, didn't it? Is that what you're about to discuss? Army regulation. Yeah, of course it's died. It's Clairolo for burnt rat.

That's the colour I think he used. What I noticed with regards to keeping your originality haircut, he had a Planet Hollywoodllywood style bomber jacket oh yes on a t-shirt it said terminator i mean come on mate we don't need that much iconography it was like one of those medieval paintings i i never think one should wear one's own merch the half was a man for that surely he just thinking, I'm only staying at home, I'll wear all that stuff that I got free 15 years ago or 25 years ago.

The planet followed him. I still wear quite a lot of Admiral sports gear. I'm not even sure if the company still exists. But they invited me when I was in my pomp, they invited me into their warehouse to just load up in a supermarket sweep style. So I've got quite a bit of Admiral. Is it still going?

8, 12? Oh. What about at one point Arnie says about Lulu the donkey, look at that beautiful smile she has. Say hello, beautiful smile. I mean, I'm not being cruel cruel but as smiles go i wouldn't say a donkey i don't think that's their strong suit i think they've got great legs but the teeth are not great i seem to remember having a debate with someone in an audience once i was hosting a show and they told me, the person in the crowd,

who I think ran some sort of wildlife thing, he said that more people are killed by donkeys year on year. I remember he used the phrase year on year because I didn't really know what it meant. Year on year than in plane crashes. What? So he wants to be damn careful having one in his living room oh no he's also we're supposed to be super hygienic at the moment surely equines home equines is not the way forward he said something i didn't like he said that listen

to scientists and experts, not foreheads. I took that personally. Is that what he said? I've never been so insulted in all my life. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's not just Arnie that's done a home video warning of the dangers of the coronavirus. Madonna did one from her bath, which I think she hoped would seem kind of exciting and with a frisson. And all I could think when watching it was, who is filming this?

and all I could think when watching it was, who is filming this? Because I hope it's an adult partner rather than an infant or a child that she's forced into filming her. She was sort of hunched up in the bath so there was nothing revealed. But it was a bath. I liked it. You liked it? It was full of petals though.

I found it quite frustrating. I thought, I bet she leaves a terrible tide mark when she pulls the plug on that. What? I didn't think anyone really put petals in their bath. I thought that was a thing that you see in, like, films about the ancient Egyptians. Oh, we've had rose petal baths.

Have you really? What do you gain from it except litter at the end? Have you not had them when you go to hotels? Like, you'll sometimes you know they'll do that. The travel lodges that I frequent rarely seem to

offer this service but really Diodere standards have slipped. I have it. It's seen as sort of a nice thing. Like if you go to

certain places in the world they'll do that. It's kind of a customary thing. It's like seen as a treat having those petal baths. I at a hotel in cape town and they they scattered um petals all over the bed right uh yes that's fair how did you find those well i dismissed them i mean they added nothing and i wasn't tidy and so it didn't bother me.

But I couldn't see the point. I can't see the point of them in the bath, really. I know, but that's because you see baths, as we've already established, as a very wholly functional activity. You would never have a bath for the sheer joy of it. I never want to, ever. Well, I'm having at least two a day now and I'm loving it, it's very soothing you're going to be able to grate

cheese on your fingertips well I know I'm mainly appealing to the Komodo dragon demographic, it's fine as long as you establish their early doors terrible hand holders I find that

the water goes cold quite quickly if you try and stay. Whereas I imagine that Madonna is a bit like an element in a kettle, that her inner rage keeps the water at a nice warm temperature at all times. Maybe when the water is cooling, she just thinks of how much she loves hydrangeas and it just starts bubbling next to her sorry i thought she i like i like the way she looked she looked she really had sort of washed it all off and she had roots on show and all that and she doesn't realize how much makeup someone's wearing

did she have makeup on yes of course it was very artfully applied and it was beautifully done but yes frank it was no makeup makeup come on man was he see i'm not sure i got the right i'm not sure i got the right message from um from madonna's video because i watched it and thought oh i haven't had a bath yet but I do need to clean the bathrooms. Did you? Yeah, all it did was make me do some cleaning. And one of the things that I've brought back into my life since this home bound period is that I've started to clean the shower last and get in.

I get naked in there, clean the shower with a little spray cleaner and a thing and then I have a shower because I've finished my chores. Two birds with one stone. It's great fun. How did you feel about the naked thing?

Sorry. What, with Madonna? I thought we were bad. It was reasonable. She said at one point, but there was one point when I thought, she said,

I thought you've lost the room. Well, you've lost this particular room. She said, this virus, but there was one point when I thought, she said, I thought you've lost the room. Well, you've lost this particular room. She said this virus, it doesn't care about how rich you are, how famous you are, how smart you are, where you live, how old you are, how funny you are. I thought, no, skin is out. No, surely it cares about how funny you are. What kind of a monster is it? And also it's been documented to care how old you are. There's definitely got to be.

What I didn't like is that it's not, we weren't allowed to give, as a people, Mother's Day flowers because they supposedly are possible to carry the virus. And then she's got petals in the bath. True. Bad, bad, bad, bad influencing. bad bad bad um bad influencing frank skinner frank skinner absolute radio so how are you coping with the um two meter don't touch anyone thing um i did a very good job the other day i met somebody in the street who I hadn't met before.

My wife said, oh, this is Paul. And I just went, hello, from about eight feet away. No attempt, no attempt to step forward. And I think he read it in me like, oh, this guy gets the social distancing. And I think I've gone straight from whatever belt to black belt in social distancing I do wonder if I've been practicing it a long time though well I was going to say I imagine for some people this is but you know this is just this is easy isn't it this is business as usual I mean I I've got I've got to say every cloud has a silver lining hashtag me too has been

tremendous preparation for this yes because i haven't been getting any near anyone for about two years because we've taken it you know i've got a career to look after we've taken it very far today i'm not even in the same postcode as you two exactly i'm not prepared to risk it i don't want you anywhere in my linen basket as i like to call it actually are you actually in your knee are you in your linen basket, as I like to call it. Are you actually in your linen basket, Frank? I am literally. Genuine. I'm not in it.

I'm using it as a table for my laptop and the lovely microphone they've sent me, which is a brilliant piece of kit that looks a bit like. Oh, don't do PR. It looks like if you got to know Darth Vader very well indeed. Something you might see. When you started saying the lovely microphone they've sent me, I thought, oh, he's fallen on hard times. He's going to have to start plugging merch now.

No, no. I mean, I didn't name the brand, but it's a lovely bit. It's the sort of thing that you see Johnny Ray singing into, like a big fan. You know Johnny Ray? 50s heartthrob. It's got that feel to it it's it's something I'm happy to be hunched over and that isn't a big list does it suit your purposes admirably as I heard John Pertwee say when I was watching BBC Archive which is all I watch at the moment on an old nationwide from the

60s when he collapsed a caravan in 11 seconds. Check it out everyone. That is, that's going some isn't it? I'm assuming it was a collapsible caravan rather than just a terrible temper. No he did it with a sledgehammer Yeah fierce temper he had.

But, Al, he was wearing the cape. Oh, wow. And he kept the cape on, which I didn't like. Because the cape is cumbersome for collapsing caravans. You can't wear a cape. Did he normally wear a cape, Rankin? Character of Black Cape? He wore it a lot.

He was the dandy. That was his Doctor Who. So lots of velvet and frilled shirts no that was that was his look he got he he he got the costume originally that he was at the hospital and a doctor arrived dressed like that and then changed into his you know his doctoring clothes and he stole them. What kind of a doctor that bloke was, I don't know. But yeah, no, I must check that out. I like to see John Pertwee doing more or less anything. May I also recommend some more BBC Archive treats for you?

Margate Gets Cable. Brilliant clip. Is that a newsflash? Yeah. That sounds great. It's really worth a watch. Why am I doing this though? brilliant clip is that a newsflash? yeah that sounds great it's really worth a watch why am I doing this though? are you two doing this?

I'm sort of going very retro I'm finding it calming going back to the past I've been doing some odd watching I've been doing I was trying to find a clip to show my wife of Donald Trump

saying China in a funny way because he sort of puckered his lips and went, it's from China. It really made me laugh. Oh, I've got to find that now. I searched Donald Trump saying China and somebody's put them all together on YouTube

and there's about four and a half minutes of it. I watched it all and it didn't include the China that I was looking for. But it's very good fun. Highly recommended. You must send us that link. I'll find it. That would be four and a half minutes. It's not wasted.

So we had a knock at the door, which is a terrifying thing at the moment. And it was someone who was delivering a parcel. Was it a visitor from Pertlock? Poorlock. Poorlock, no, it wasn't him. And I... This box arrived, so I opened it up,

and it was... Kath had ordered 200 pairs of rubber gloves. Seems a lot. Unfortunately, it turned out it was related to the coronavirus epidemic. I thought for a minute she was going to spring a lovely Father's Day treat on me later in the summer, but it didn't work out that way. But it's been, there's been a lot of that. We actually went shopping in rubber gloves. Oh, did you? Which is, it's a weird thing.

I suspect you quite like that, Frank, because it's quite sort of cheapo Doctor Who. I mean, forgive me, but it's quite sort of cheapo Doctor Who I mean, forgive me but it's quite sort of cheapo Doctor Who effects, isn't it? It's what the monsters wear in Doctor Who, like spray painted silver the rubber gloves. Well this will

shock you to the core but not so long ago one could buy I'm talking about commercially available masks that were my face. Is that right? Yeah.

Is that right? Yeah. So I got a few, obviously. They sent me a few. Well, no, they sent me a few. I didn't buy any. So I've been wearing one of those because it means it keeps away the germs, but also I still get recognised.

That's great. That's really good. And I would recommend, probably you can knock them up now on some sort of printer thing. Decent printer. We could all do that. So we still look like ourselves. Oh, I thought you were recommending we all had masks of you. Well, that would be another.

It depends what you're up to. I mean, you know when women say, oh, I don't want to wash my hair today, I think I'll wear a headscarf. Yes, a turban I favour. That's what I'm going to get like with a mask. I don't think I'm going to shave. It's my mask. A mask of my own face. Do you know, I've got a few turbans and I'm finding them very useful.

Yeah, hair turbans for hair washing because they're really good for i'm sure kath's got some it's the hair in the towel vibe that i believe you're a fan of frank aesthetically aren't you my favorite picture of kath is her with a wet hair wrapped up in a big towel reading a roald dahl short story it's a it's a beautiful one that's good We've all got our tastes. Because my wife has her hand all bandaged up with the finger having been operated on, when she'd washed her hair, I had to try to do that hair turban thing. And I made what I think they call a pig's ear of it. It was a right state. Did, um... She just...

I'm finding that... Sorry. We never found out what happened. Did she actually get medical attention or did you have to do it yourself? She got surgery on them. She went to the hospital on Sunday and then got surgery on it on the Wednesday. And as I went to collect her, I was leaving the house and a builder was clearing some rubbish from my next door neighbour's front path.

And he said to me and the children, he went, it's a shame about this virus, isn't it? And that was his take on it He's right though I think that's a fair that is a fair summary Me and my son who's 12 and sarcastic got into the car and said I think understatement of the

year there for the math Well I passed Bill Oddie in the street and he just he just recoiled from me and went, which I thought was a tremendous response. I mean, the fact is we should establish this is we no one here is saying it isn't a terrible, terrible, terrible thing. But, you know, it's like World War Two. If we cannot find some sort of lightness in this, we will all implode. And Bill Oddie is the man who ought to be doing that.

And I really laughed. I wanted to hug him, but obviously it's not acceptable. No. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We're not live today, so do not text the show. But you can follow us at Frank on the radio on Twitter and Instagram.

And you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. So all is not lost. Frank, we've been talking a bit about every cloud and just sort of small silver linings i didn't know what cobra stood for before i'm just saying well no i didn't either and now we know i don't it's something about um cabinet yes cabinet office briefing room oh yeah that's briefing room a which is why it's oh that's right yeah it's lucky it was a that's fantastic yeah can i just say on the subject of silver linings i know that um we're we're really panning for gold here but some of the memes that i've been sent in the past week have been very funny i think and the little videos that people, did you see that video of the guy who's gone to the shop

with a trainer tied to his face instead of a mask? No. It really made me laugh. He's got a proper, like, big Nike basketball shoe. That is great. Oh, man, some of them have been very good. Did you see that really pathetic one? Random pause for the memers.

Did you see the pathetic one of an old guy in spectacles doing the Joe Wicks workout? No, that was me. How dare you? No, I'm afraid it was me. We are going to put that on social media. I mean, and I really look like a tragic old geezer. Oh, excellent. I'm doing, it's a crosshands kick,

I don't know what it's called, but honestly, when I watched it, I felt despair, but then I thought, I have to put this out there so I'll make everyone feel better. Listen to this, can you hear that? Yeah.

Yeah, that's my, I've got a wobble on my linen basket, so I've had to put a coaster now under the leg. I mean, this is not, you, I've got a wobble on my linen basket. So I've had to put a coaster now under the leg. I mean, this is not, I've got international representation. It shouldn't be like this. They didn't have those problems on the Starship Enterprise. No, indeed. So there's a wobble on the linen basket.

Although they often got thrown about a lot if there was any kind of meteor shower. Oh, yeah. A lot of nylon up there. Surprises didn't go up like Tinder. How do you boys... Has that gone up? Sorry. How do you boys feel about requests

for some sort of, you know, the greatest hits of the radio show? I'm not suggesting we repeat entire chunks of it well when i was on tour a bloke shouted out for a routine i hadn't done for 20 years i can't remember which one it was now and i miraculously it was still when i started doing it it was still in there and so i did this routine and it was old and coarse. It was extremely coarse. Excellent. And I thought everyone will know this in my egomaniac way.

And I did it. Absolutely brought the house down. And what you don't want to do is do a request that goes better than your current stuff. Oh, this is true. That's a major blow. Although musicians, of course, do that on a regular basis. Yeah. Jason Muhammad has been in touch.

He's tweeted us. He says, team, can you get Frank, like we have any sort of influence, can you get Frank to tell the Richard E. Grant story again, please? It made me cry laughing the first time. Oh, I shouldn't have read that bit, Frank. He enjoyed it immensely. Do you recall it? I'm just trying to retrieve my numbskulls upstairs, trying to type in Frank Skinner, Richard E. Grant,

and I can't think of one. Well, if it's the one I think it was, I was at an opening night and there was a lot of celebrities knocking about and Richard E. Grant, who I'd met once before, on a show when he turned up and asked everyone in the room how old they were that was how it began everyone i mean the crew everyone um i i honestly met him and he said hello how old are

you and it was like that with everyone it's very uh weird um and anyway i saw i thought i don't know if he'll even you know say hello because um he he got because he got a bit miffed on the day about something. Anyway, he came over to me at this opening and went, Frank, how are you? And gave me the most enormous, warm, loving hug. And then he walked off. And that was it. He didn't speak to me again for the rest of the evening.

I think he probably realised that our two foreheads in close conjunction was probably more dazzle than most people could stand for. It looked like all human beings. Strong magnets. I think it looked like a scene from a sci-fi ambassadors have arrived

from another planet. So doctor. Doctor! derived from another planet so doctor doctor on absolute radio your richard e grant anecdote i think that was the correct one by the way i hope we've um delivered jason muhammad uh that obsession with age is interesting because that reminded me of i think i've mentioned him before. My mother was friends with a very theatrical, unsurprisingly, stage manager.

He was a bit of a glasses on a lanyard type, if you know what I mean. And he was the one that got angry during when he was working on The Importance of Being Earnest. And the elderly actress kept getting her lines wrong and saying a bag and he said please if you're going to get any line wrong don't make it that one it's a handbag people get coaches to come and hear that one line anyway he had a habit instead of saying happy birthday to my mother he would ring every year and just say how old is she now? So horrible. And she'd say, I don't want to get the phone if it's him. He's just going to say, how old is she now? And put the phone down.

And he did. Not using the name is so dehumanising as well. He didn't even say, hello, how are you? Literally, how old is she now? And then slam the phone down. I interviewed Jamie Lee Curtis, who I used to have an enormous crush on. He's worked with them all. She's a rock.

Oh, Stone Cold Fox. She told me that every year on her birthday, she phoned her mum and did this. She then did it. She did an impression of a baby crying, which was absolutely brilliant. I mean, so realistic. And she did it and it brought the house down. What a great thing to pull off that would be. On the subject of birthdays, have any of you found uh hand washing and singing happy birthday to yourself

incredibly aging i because you know you're supposed to sing happy birthday too and happy birthday dear alan and i feel like you're only supposed to hear that on your birthday you're not supposed to hear it 50 times a day i think i might be 150 now since the coronavirus kicked in well i doubt you'll take my advice on this but i actually did the hail mary I think I might be 150 now since the coronavirus kicked in. Well, I doubt you'll take my advice on this, but I actually do the Hail Mary. Oh, for goodness sake. Which is a good time. I do the Stevie Wonder version just because I prefer it.

Thank you. How does that go? Happy birthday to you. I can't be bothered to put shades on. to you. I can't be bothered to put shades on. To you. It's not good for the focus of the soap between the fingers

to wear the sunglasses. Boys, I've got a question. Did Nostradamus, who's, I'm a real fan of his work normally, and the Coltrane's, did he predict this? Does anyone know? Because he's predicted everything else. The thing is with Nostradamus, he probably

did predict it, but it would have been a Robin will sit on a red gate post and someone will say, there you go, he's predicted the coronavirus. Because there's ones that he predicted Hitler, and

it is something like that. A vole lived in a tree. Why does he always get one consonant wrong? He said Hister. Oh, he's supposed to have said Hister. Yeah. Come on. Come on.

It could have been the Scissor Sisters he was talking about. You know, it's about as close as that. If Nostradamus had predicted the Scissor Sisters, that would have been one of the great moments in predicting history. Sounds like my mum's stage manager friend. But, you know, I think... Imagine living with him, though.

Oh, yeah. Do you fancy going to Anne's next week? Well, the cloud will fall across a dark... Oh, NOS. NOS, leave it. You know what I like, Frank? Where was he from? He was French.

No, he was French. So his name was Michel, which is obviously, as we know, Michael, yeah, would be the English translation. I didn't hear that coming. Mike Nostradamus. Mike. Oh, wow. I didn't hear that coming. Mike Nostradamus. Mike. Oh, wow.

I think we should call him Mike. I think we should call him Mike now. I thought it was his first name, you know, sort of Madonna style. No, Michel Nostradamus. And I believe he was a doctor, but he was also a herbalist. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Are you familiar with the I think the word is influencer, you know what an influencer

is don't you? Oh yes That sort of internet person Of course that was a word from a time before influenza was so prominent Influencer and influenza, they're too close together aren't they? Also called YouTuber That was the job that most so prominent yeah influencer and influenza they're too close together they are also called YouTuber

that was the job that most children aspired to have one day yes is that right yes that's a worry isn't it well there's one called

do you know Ava Louise no she's an influencer she's 22 I know that much and she has constructed I mean this for me was an error She's an influencer. She's 22. I know that much. And she has constructed, I mean, this for me was an error. She has constructed, you remember the ice bucket challenge and what a massive hit that was internet-wise.

She has, well, there's two things. And one is about taste and one is about execution. First of all, she devised a coronavirus challenge um interesting in which she had to show how um unafraid she was of of getting um getting the virus silly and the method she came up with, which she filmed, she filmed this and put it on. I mean, you know, you'd guess it's fairly, you know, it's obviously not that hard to catch.

But what she came up with, she was on an aeroplane at the time. She went into the toilet on the aeroplane and she filmed herself licking the toilet seat. Oh, yes. I think I did come across this the thing is with that it's such a it's such an unfocused coronavirus challenge because it's disgusting anyway and inadvisable anyway exactly it's not it's not specific enough

you could use i mean that would be a challenge that's just the hygiene challenge isn't it yes you're right also it's always it's one of those things that said a lot that there is more germs on the average kitchen chopping board than there is on a toilet seat well can i tell you what's more hazardous sorry frank go on i was gonna say lick the bottom of your handbag far more hazardous more germs on that apparently as well your handbag, far more hazardous, more germs on that, apparently, as well. The handbag is always placed on the floor. A bag? Yeah. Anyway, I mean, she got it.

I just think, you know, it's not that difficult to construct a coronavirus challenge. And if you really feel that's a good thing to do. And she just got it so wrong. that's a good thing to do. And she just got it so wrong. Having said that, I'm surprised how many times I looked at that picture of her licking a toilet seat. There was something written. Yeah, I know.

Sickening. I think we're all going to find out new things about ourselves during this incarceration. Do you think it will change you long term in any way? Has it made you think, you know what, I've been going out too much or stuff like that? It's made me think that I've accidentally been in training for this. I love tinned food and I already exercise at home and now everybody else is living like me. I'm not sure if it's changing me so much as everyone else is becoming like me.

Alan, you were quite an early adopter of the apocalypse lifestyle. You know, with the bunker, wouldn't you say, Frank? The hair is... The social distancing. Cut short, economically and sensibly. Yes. What a shaven-headed man in a cellar. I've got my own clippers.

What could possibly go wrong? Sorry, Al, what did you say? I've got my own clippers. What could possibly go wrong? Sorry, Al, what did you say? I've got my own clippers. It'll make no difference to me. Well, I don't know. What am I going to do about my hair, though? I mean, this is a serious point. There won't be any barbershop. Have you not got any scissors in your house? Can't you just cut the fringe with scissors? I can't. Then just let the

rest grow. They're like Dave Hill from Slade. You'd like that that wouldn't you well like is a very big word isn't it tolerate please cut your own fringe sorry

if we ever get out of this mess I look forward to coming to the studio having not done anything about that haircut and arriving with the straight fringe. Like Amelie. Oh, brilliant. You know Amelie from the movie.

Obviously not that beautiful. Well, a friend of mine the other day, her husband cut her hair and we were all looking at this taking place on the House Party app and, you know, which is, you're familiar with it aren't you frank because i think buzz uses it where you chat to people on it and as we're all looking at it she said oh what do you think and my goddaughter honey said oh you look a bit like amelie because she had a short friend and my and my friend sophie said i hate amelie oh god i think amelie is the most beautiful woman of all time no but she didn't hide the fringe. Which I understand.

Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I'll tell you my thing. I've gone a bit, I've gone slightly what's the point on some things. Like I say, everybody's coming to my position.

Yeah, but I mean the weather forecast, I think, who cares about that now? We can't go out for most of the time. Although a few people have told me it's going to be really cold next week. Well, let's hope so. I mean, I've been walking on Hampstead Heath and this could be a much richer anecdote,

but it isn't that one. And there's a lot of runners on ham hamster eat i should say it's a big area of grassland in in north london if you don't know it and there's a lot of runners on it and um i find that they um they turn their noses up at the two meter rule and run i mean unsettlingly or frighteningly close, in fact. Like nearly a shoulder barge type territory. Well, not actually. I mean, I'm not talking the Verve video,

but I'm talking way inside the two metres. What I wish I'd got is a bolas. Oh. I don't know if you're aware of the ancient hunting weapon, which is two stones at the end of a piece of string. And the animal runs away and you throw it and it wraps around the animal's legs and they fall to the ground. Oh.

And I would love to do that to a runner. Not to go over to do anything horrible to them because I don't want any physical contact, but just to go over and give them, you know, a bit of a talking to about what social distancing means. I like that you've got quite hunger games on this. Well, may the odds forever be in your favour We're all in this together

I'm not saying it's just runners I'm saying it's mainly runners That's what I'm saying I've started shouting two metres at people Who aren't two metres away from me Do you? What, in your house do you say that? No, no, I'm alright with that.

Cat's been shouting that at me for years. Cat saw a man on the heath this morning who had a stick with a white flag on the end who was literally using it and going shoo, shoo at people. Oh, I thought you meant he was surrendering to the

coronavirus. No, no, no. With the white flag. Let's not do that. I'd like to reintroduce the phrase shoe. I think it's wonderful, and you don't hear it nearly as much these days. Too often in the dog world, isn't it? Could I legally carry a broadsword whilst walking? Hard question. A 12-15.

I could argue, could I not, that everyone's going to be two metres away, so I couldn't possibly do any damage with it. And I just think if someone saw me carrying it, it might sort of bring home the government message a bit more. It might. It might. It'd be interesting to explore how this goes if you experiment with it. I'd be keen to hear an update.

Well, I mean, I've got to get one I might get an anorak like specially made made out of police tape do not cross and then the message is clear don't come near I think the armourers might be amongst

the places that have already closed so getting hold of that broadsword I'm in a lot of places of shine I was recycling that have already closed, so getting hold of that broadsword. I'm in a lot of places of shock. I was recycling this morning and I was thinking, then what's the point? What's the point of that? That's all I've got.

I'm at the stage now, which is, not now, Greta. Good, finally. Yeah, exactly. I mean, what's the point in all that let's just let's just stay in and cuddle our families goodness knows we can't cuddle anyone else maybe that's for the best of course when you were saying a minute ago that uh do we think we'll be different after all this calms down,

I have already noticed a thing that I really like happening, which is people who express gratitude for things that just three weeks ago they wouldn't particularly care about. Like, I'm really glad I bought some new kettlebells in February and I wouldn't be. And Emily, I spoke to on the phone the other day and she said I'm just really glad that my flat has some stairs for some reason I'm really pleased by that and I find lots of people well just generally lots of people are grateful and I'm not just grateful for what I have got I'm also grateful for what I've not got like I do think I'm I'm very pleased to not be having an affair right now

because I think logistically that would be really tricky at the moment. So that's a bonus, isn't it? In many ways. We should all be practicing gratitude for the small things at the moment. This is slightly unsavoury, but completely true.

I've been constipated for a week and my timing could not be better because there's a toilet roll shortage. That's a lovely thing about gratitude and you've talked about constipation. I'm grateful for that. I've never been grateful for that.

I respect that. May I recommend strong coffee or apricots? Dried apricots would work on me. Tell him afterwards. Call him. I'm not going out of the house or apricots. Dried apricots would work on me. Tell him afterwards. Call him. I'm not going out of the house for apricots.

It's not worth the risk. No, it's a bit of a sort of medieval thing to do, isn't it? I don't like coffee. I don't like coffee and I don't like people who like coffee. All right, I'll give you a cup. You don't like coffee, do you? I do like coffee. You don't mind coffee, Frank. What you don't like is, and I appreciate I'm telling you what you do and don't like you don't mind coffee frank what you don't like is and i appreciate i'm telling

you what you do and don't like but get used to it what you don't like is people sort of fetishizing their coffee habit so what we don't like is people saying oh need coffee we don't like that and anything related to garfield drinking coffee but But I got some grocery delivered to our house and it's really hard to do at the moment and we finally got some through today and I was running really quite low on teabags and teabags arriving... Wasn't she in Rod Hull and Amy?

There are certain things uh tea bag tea bags doctor who um listening to the fall all these things my son has i've introduced my son to laurel and hardy we've been watching a lot of that oh i've just gone to all the core like things that i've got um. I've done the same thing. I've gone back to Evil in War I find comforting. Lord knows what I, but I do. And a lot of BBC Archive, anything pre-1980. There you go.

And I'm similar. I'm cleaning the shower naked. Yeah? What, now? Has we? This week? Of course, what I'm really looking forward to is when I get back to absolute, God willing,

then brilliantly, there should be loads and loads of free stuff that I've been sent that's been sort of stored up there. I'm very excited about that. I'll have to boil it all, but even so, that'll be brilliant. You'd have to do that anyway. Thanks a lot for listening today and um please contact us because we'd love to keep um using stuff from out there because you're a very bright witty people um and you know what um if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we will be back again this time next week. Now stop in!