The Frank Skinner Show - Little Else

Episode Date: March 5, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank is back and he’s had a bad start with a new neighbour. The team also discuss Robert Pattinson’s Batman prep, weasels and when Frank has lived in your head rent free.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With Emily Dean and Alan Cochran, I forgot how to do it. I forgot how to do it. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Good to have you back. Oh, it's lovely.

That sounded slick then, that second part. Oh, yeah, I think I got into it now. I just needed a ram pal. That was all. We're getting a lot of lovely GIFs being sent to us. Things like cheering babies, excited Hollywood women saying, yes, he's back. Yes, I've been off for two weeks

because they wouldn't let me show the picture of the Tipped and Slashed monkey. Yeah. I chained myself to the railings. It was something else, but it was that, wasn't it? Yeah, it was that. I chained myself to the railings. A lot of people expected it to be something else, but it was that, wasn't it? Yeah, it was that. I'd show myself to the railings outside Absolute. Can I just say,

I've heard little else, but show me the monkey. Little else. Used to be one of our Nora's mates when she was in hairdressing. All I've heard, show me the monkey. Never mind that. where's the monkey? Yeah, well, I agree. I've been tempted to directly send it to a few people that have asked me

because you made the mistake of sending it to me. Well, that's because I trusted you, Al. I trusted you. I haven't. I've been tempted of just telling you. I went home and that day, we discussed the monkey through. This is the thing, I saw a stuffed monkey at the Black Country Living Museum,

which belonged to the famous Black Country Boxer, the Tipton Slasher. Anyway, that's the story in brief. And when I got home, Kat said, oh, I thought that was really frustrating, not putting the monkey on social media. I thought that was really unfair. People would just be annoyed by that. She said, well, let's have a look at it. She said, oh God, you can't put that on social media. I thought that was really unfair. People would just, you know, be annoyed by that.

She said, well, let's have a look at it on the show. She said, oh, God, you can't put that on social media. Right. So, you know... Be careful with which four people. It split opinions, certainly. Well, it didn't split my opinion. It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life

oh my goodness surely not I knew I would like you it's a man's image controversial yes certainly oh anyway look

so much has happened yeah I tell you what I did I met Look, so much has happened. Yeah. I tell you what I did. I met... I actually had the COVIDs. I mean, I'm happy to be up front about that. I had the COVIDs and it was... Tell you what was annoying about it is it didn't affect my appetite.

Oh, really? I find as I get older, what gets me through illness is knowing that i'm not eating and thinking i'm losing a bit of belly on this at least i always think at the seat they should make up a sick bed which is an enormous scales where you sleep in the bowl of it and as you lie there you watch the the dial steadily go down i I think, well, I feel terrible, but hey. Yeah. Yeah, when I come out of this, it's going to be like I've been preparing for a Hollywood movie.

Yeah. So, yeah, there was that. One other thing as well, which I'd like to, I don't want to go on about, because I know there's a lot of it about. But when I drank tea it tasted like now this is something it reminded me of something I hadn't even thought about for 30 years oh here we go when we was kids there was a thing where you used to put your tongue on a battery used to put your tongue on the end of a battery and you'd get a sort of an acidic little electric shock. Do you remember this, Al?

Oh, yeah. We made our own entertainment in M-Day. I like the fact that you knew to go to Al rather than me. I thought I'd go northern. I couldn't. I think you'd have had a Van de Graaff generator for Christmas to do it with. Yes, the metallics.

That's very much a part of this, apparently. But there's something about the tongue on the battery. I'm not saying if you've got battery. I don't think it works with your standard battery. I don't quite remember the details of it. It was quite an exciting thing that I'm advising people not to do. Please don't do that. No.

I mean, it's not the sort of thing they would have done on Blue Peter. Do you know what I mean? Right, let's lick the battery, lads. All the pets, give it a bit of space. Pets can smell the acid in the air. You know what they're like, pets. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I tell you what, did you see the John Lewis news?

Oh, yes. John Lewis. I saw this and thought of you. Yeah, it's dropped. They've dropped Never Knowingly Undersold. I was astonished. Well, can I just say we've had a missive about this. May I share that?

This is while you were away Joe McLaren got in touch. Hello Frank, Emily and Alan. I believe the team were recently pondering the meaning and relevance of John Lewis' never knowingly undersold promise especially in the age of

internet shopping. Once again Frank's criticism has been heeded and like Andrew Lloyd Webber before them, John Lewis have taken the hint. They've just emailed me to say that the promise is being retired. They didn't mention Frank et al in the missive but I don't think it can be a coincidence. No, I agree with that.

I don't really. But I never really... I don't think we ever got to the bottom of what it really meant, did we? And I think that's very good. If you have an offer where people can come to you and say, I saw this cheaper, give me a refund, I think it's good to have a slogan that's incomprehensible.

Because you can always claim you had the offer, but no one knew what it meant. It should be oversold, shouldn't it? Also undersold, as you say, it's not a phrase that's used. No, it's a bit undersold. I suppose. I can imagine it being a stand-up comedy term, could you, Al, if someone wasn't giving it enough on stage.

Yeah. It was a bit... stand-up comedy term, could you, Al? If someone wasn't giving it enough on stage. Yeah. It was a bit... Yeah. Alan Cochran, never knowingly overpowered. That's my stand-up comedy motto. I would say Alan Cochran, I haven't seen you for a while, but I would say you could be a man who may be undersold a bit because a lot of it you sort of throw away a bit,

do you know what I mean? Right, yeah. Whereas there are people who really give it you in 20-foot letters that they're performing. And I think you'll find, what do they do? They upsell. I learnt that from George Lamb.

Thank you. I was in a restaurant with him and he said to the waiter, you're upselling this quite a lot. That's... And I thought, do you know what? I thought that's so sophisticated and chic. He understands the restaurant trade. I went out with a Swiss-German woman

and she used to come home from Switzerland with a thing called Upensala, which was the smelliest cheese I've ever smelt in my life. And the fridge, it would go in the fridge. And then when she ate it, she ate it with balsamic vinegar just because it wasn't quite terrifying enough and i wonder if that was swiss german for up sale oh maybe it seems unlike so anyway whenever john lewis is mentioned i always think of a mate saying to me that i was a very lucky bloke this was back before

i had my major strokes of career lock. And he always used to say, if you dropped off John Lewis's roof, you'd land in a new suit. That was the thing. And I thought of that the other day when I met my new neighbour. Because I think my lock might have changed. Oh. Oh. Well, I met my new neighbour and she seemed very nice. And I said hello and I was very keen to be a good neighbour.

We live in a good neighbour kind of a street. Yeah. And, you know, I introduced myself and all that, and she said, great. She said, well, at some point we're going to have to talk about your bins. Ah. And she didn't mean... I feel absolutely ill.

And I said, then she said, but said but you know let's not talk about that now blah and i said hold on hold on what i don't get it what what about the bins and she said well that you've got too many bins she said and i think you know the way in her house looks the exterior of her house looks is really important. Has she seen inside? Well, no, if she saw inside, I think she'd move back out again. David Baddiel came round the other day and said to me, as he always says, Frank, why do you live like this? No, what he also said once, which I like, in fact, was,

is it always going to be like this? He said, he even looked at my garden and said, is that the garden of a millionaire comedian? It was very... Anyway, so that was the first meeting. And I said, I said, well, this is the worst possible beginning. Did you actually say that to her? Well, I mean, it was the worst possible beginning. I know, but you don't say it.

I don't even know what it meant. It was sort of avant-garde complaining. What do you mean I've got too many? What does it even mean? It was like that bit in Amadeus when the prince says, there's too many notes. I believe, Master Salieri, I'm right, that the human ear can only experience so many.

Yes, yes, Your Majesty. Too many bins, Mozart. I believe the human eye can only experience so many bins. It was all a bit like, it was the strangest, most, probably one of the most upsetting things that's happened to me in 2022. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, we were talking about my dirty old house during the music. I said to David Baddiel, I said, i do realize that i shot a couple of doors when you

come around that i things i i don't want you to so i have some shame about it about the house being such a mess i don't think you should feel shame is that what we're referring to yeah it's uh i think we're a little bit too obsessed with this idea of the pristine house. I think one of the reasons we got a dog is some sort of justification for having a house that's higgledy-piggledy, as Marky Smith would say. Simon from Sudbury has texted, Hi Frank, how many bins have you got? Is it some weird fetish? That is a good question.

Look, I haven't a... They've been left by the council. I didn't phone up for them. I've got one general waste, two garden waste, three recycling. That is quite a lot. Is it?

Don't you start. Well, how many is that? Six? I thought you were going to refuse to answer. That wheelie is good. Oh, that's good. That's good. I thought it was a bit rubbish, actually.

We'll do this all the day. We can all relax now. We've all contributed. We've all got a marshmallow on the fire. Can I ask you something? I will. Go on, do it. What on earth is going to happen with this neighbour now?

I want to know what happened because when we last checked in... Well, she hasn't moved in yet. She only came over, I think, to complain about the bins. Well, she hasn't moved in yet. I think we know she's not going to now. Well, I'm still keeping an open mind. I really like the idea of us drinking Coca-Cola. Bin juice.

In the garden and saying, God, do you remember that time when you made that complaint about the bins? And she said, yeah, well, I've been working in the theatre of the absurd a lot. And the idea is that you put the audience on the back foot so they don't know quite what's happening. And I thought I'd begin my reign here like that. But I realised, no, I know what a great guy you are.

There was no need for those tactics. More coke? No, no, I'm fine. I find it makes me a bit zingy that's how i see it going what was the atmosphere consequently it could also be no communication whatsoever ever i've had that with a neighbor yeah you know what i was good with it yeah i can live with it but i wouldn't i wouldn't mind a bit of uh you know a bit of friendliness. It's quite a low wall between us.

Right. Yeah, it's not like an encampment wall. It's one that you could lean on and talk across. When you said something like, can you remind us again? This is the worst possible

beginning. What was the response to that? Did you say something like, can you remind us again? This is the worst. I said this is the worst possible beginning. What was the response to that? I think it was some sunset nod of agreement. I think we both knew it was, yeah, that we'd gone dark early on. You know, as lots of theatre directors say, leave yourself somewhere to go. Don't come on.

He's gone the full Brian Blessage. Yeah, it was... You know how when you go on stage and the first line's an absolute killer and then you can't back it up? It's a bit like that. Yeah, there was no ramp. No ramp at all this time. We'll see.

I'll keep you posted. Anyway. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Hopkins has been in touch Hopkins Hopkins this is monkey related

just a heads up here as is most of our correspondence until the end of time lovely to have Frank back on the show however I've been obsessed about this monkey photo for the last two weeks, and I think Frank should consider some sort of paywall

for interested parties. Maybe he could meet readers around the back of the studio for a glimpse. There could be some sort of... There's probably a simian charity, isn't there, for misused apes and things that we could give the money to. I suspect it's not called that. The charity for misused apes.

Am I the M.I.? I've never heard of the M.I. In my will, that's who I'm going to leave my money to. To the misused. The charity for misused apes. And everyone will be saying, what's this? Oh, dear. I do get misused, there's no question about that.

That's true. At Monkey World in Wall in Dorset, they have misused apes there. Stop saying that! Yes, it's lovely to see them coming out of themselves. But, yeah, God bless them for saving them. 618 has a suggestion for you, Frank. Morning, Frank. Get more bins before she moves in or even better steal

her bins, I think that's escalating the situation that's already quite tense I think you're right Diplomacy may be the strategy that you both need to adopt now I told another neighbour about what had happened Who are you, Hilda Ogden?

Gossiping about the neighbours She sent me an email of bins that had been dressed up as Daleks. That's all I had to say. I said, why don't you do this? So, yeah, I think people are putting fuel on the fire locally. You don't want to move into a new street and already be a laughing stock. No, no, I really, I want to be a good neighbour. I like being a good neighbour.

I think it can be resolved. Of course. It was absolutely, in fairness, you know, I think it was okay for her to raise it. You're a straight shooter, come on. But I think timing is everything, as you boys will know. She was a little premature. Wait till you've moved in. I agree that if it's on her mind,

but I would say if you'd given me a thousand guesses of what the complaint was going to be, I wouldn't have got that. And it was left field. But, you know, people are... I just think that's my house that the bins are next to gosh so that's all

but you know I'm hoping it can be I'm hoping it's not the end well I don't blame the lady I think there's a it's a general low tolerance for I also think when you arrive somewhere

you want to start with a bit of a you know to show you're not going to be pushed around. We don't like the bins. Well, sometimes I push them, sometimes I pull them. I can never make my mind up. I like the idea of the doll. That's a good idea.

What about, or a nice, it could go Davros. Yeah, that would be. Just dress half the bin. Yeah, that would be Just dress half the bin. Yeah, that's Yeah, but if someone looks out the window and says Davros, I mean that's going to terrify someone if they're not familiar with the oeuvre.

That would, I do use an oeuvre out there because it gets quite messy. Nice. Oh God. I mean. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. We've had a somewhat snarky suggestion for you from Ian Angle, who has said,

Frank, Angel, actually, Frank, when you have your Coca-Cola binges, this is with your neighbour who complained about your bins, you'll have to ask her if you can put the empty cans in her recycling as you seem to have got rid of all your bins. I think that is snarky again. It's more escalation. What that is doing, that's digging up the body

and beating it up and putting it back in the ground again. I mean, it's not unjustified. 078 is getting involved as well. My wife wonders why you have two garden bins as you apparently never do any gardening. How do they know? That's from David Baddiel. The gardener comes twice a year.

We've got a gardener that comes twice a year, so that's his autumn bin and his spring bin. Twice a year. Obviously. Look, I didn't ask. The council just gave me these. They obviously do a summary. They look at the house and think, God, they must

have plenty of rubbish. Yeah, but I mean, if the council dumped a load of manure outside your house, surely you'd question it. And so, excuse me, I didn't ask for this. I don't know if you would, actually. I think me and Kath would talk about fouling up. I could get my PA to ask them about it. Well, I don't know if you would, actually. I think me and Kath would talk about fouling up. I could get my PA to ask them about it.

Well, Debbie Harrison says, on the day I moved into my new house, the neighbour came around and asked me to move my bins from my drive to the back of my house. As he didn't like seeing them from the window, I'd been in the house less than ten minutes. See, I mean, live and let live, surely. All right, Wings.

Who cares? Can I just mention, by the way, because I know that the Winter Olympics, the Winter Paralympics are just starting, but I watched the Winter Olympics when I had the COVID. It was my constant companion. And to me, the most entertaining thing, I don't watch Dancing on Ice.

I've never seen that. But I know Torvald and Dean are on it. And Torvald and Dean were interviewed, obviously, during the ice dancing thing. And this is kind of how it went. So Claire Balding would say, so Jane, what did you think about that? Well, I thought the music...

Yes, you see, the thing is, the problem with this competition, it's become just a jumping competition. And that happened like ten times in every interview. I don't think he's ever forgiven her for the billing. Oh, right.

And she had this, he would do it, he'd jump in on her, and Jane had this sort of serene looking into the mid distance expression of someone who's been interrupted since the 1970s. Every time she tried to say something

about ice skating or whatever. Ice dancing. Oh, man. It was excruciating, but absolutely gripping at the same time. I couldn't leave it alone. Oh, fine. Did you enjoy it, Jane? No, no, but the idea.

What is it with these deans and their constant interrupting? It's a good question. You see, I interrupt more than I used to, but that's because you get to an age where the brain ceases to become a house and becomes a tunnel. So the thoughts are just passing through. If you don't stop them, they've gone. So maybe Dino is, maybe that's where he is at the moment

but all he ever says is that it's become a jumping competition so he's not going to forget it he can have that written down on a notepad on the desk JC exclamation mark oh man I enjoyed it it was tremendous

stuff but you see the thing is Oh, man, I enjoyed it. Anyway, it was tremendous stuff. Oh, dear. But you see, the thing is, I don't mind an interruption. I think it's a conversation. I don't know what you're doing, sitting at a train station going, morning, morning. No, but you could see the interviewer would say, so, Jane, thinking in their ears, someone saying,

can Jane, get Jane to say something? This just looks embarrassing. So, Jane, what in their ears, someone saying, can Jane, get Jane to say something. This just looks embarrassing. So Jane, what do you think? And you could see he was ready. He's like a dog. You know, when you get, when they hear the meat come out the fridge, the dog's ready. It's just ready. Just the shoulders are going.

It's all ready for it. That's what Dino was like. Yes, you start it with Jane, but it ends with me. Oh man, it was, I'd like to watch a sort of a montage of it over Ravel's Malera with his interruptions and at the end it's just Jane lying on the floor instead of the pair of them and him triumphant oh man poor Jane I'd like at the end of the interview she just texts Cotton Wool out of her ears This is Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Two twos and four.

Three twos a seat. You've got a bit of laughter in your voice. I like that. You know why? I'm just happy to be back. Oh, I'm happy too. Are you? That's nice.

We missed you, you old devil. Martin Sullivan. Morning all. Regarding bins. Mm-hmm. Oh, I like that. I have one general rubbish. Right. I'll add in. Are you making a note of this? One general rubbish. Right.

I'll add in. Are you making a note of this? One general rubbish. Yeah. One garden. Mm. One normal size. Mm.

Mm-hmm. Sorry, I'll say that again. One normal size recycling. Right. Uh-huh. Plus three slim, close quotes, recycling. I'm assuming this would induce apoplexy in a safe neighbour. Three slim recycling.

Is that for non-plastic spaghetti wrappers? Well, I think three slim recycling is a lovely follow-up for you and David Baddiel. Yeah, exactly. Three slim recycling. Sorry if that's annoying. Yes. Sorry, David.

With you I was toying. Oh. No, it's still a work in progress. I'm not going to tell you what the producer's face looked like then. She's got a little scrunched up eyebrows, but it's nice to know. She probably hasn't heard the original. That's why, she doesn't know what's going on. What was the second one you did?

There was another one, wasn't there? Oh, God. Why did you say, oh, God? Well, really, I wish we'd just done the first one. But, you know, I went to number one, the second one. And then we did like an orchestral version with Trevor Horn. Oh.

Yeah. Ian Wood. So you're now rewriting your rewriting on the show now? No. Ian Wright. Yeah, Ian Wood.

Do you know Ian Wood? No, but... Thanks for the tip. Ian Wood, you need to speak to Dave Berry about your bin situation and get one... Well, he knows all there is to know about the crying game.

Oh, that's the wrong Dave Berry. And get one of the breakfast show bin wraps. What is that? Oh, do they have bin wraps for the breakfast show? Yeah, but that's a bit boastful, Frank. What is it? Oh, it actually goes on the bin. Yeah.

Oh, man. I walked in today, and I didn't walk in. that's a bit boastful, Frank. What is it? Oh, it actually goes on the bin. Yeah. Oh, man. I walked in today, and I didn't walk in. That's a lie. I walked to the car and then from it. But I realised that my tote bag is an Absolute Radio tote bag, and I felt a little bit like I was wearing my own merch. Right. I think that's a good thing, though.

That shows you're a company man. That's positive. I know, but, you know, it. It shows you're a company man. That's a positive. You know, it's like, just in case you didn't recognise me, here's a hint. Oh, and I'm wearing an England shirt as well. Have you got, when you're doing that... With Skinner on the back. Exactly.

Skinner number nine. And when he was doing the, I call it the loaded years, when you did the raised fist. Oh, yeah, the raised fist. You had to then on these loud mags. They had no choice. Louise Grant, loving the bin chat, a subject with such mileage for comedy and gittishness.

Oh, well. Yes. I don't think I was the one who was, anyway. No, gits never do. No. Well, I'm hoping to... No-one's ever mentioned it in the ten years we've lived there, or whatever it is.

It's not ten years, it's eight. I didn't even know there was a bin count thing. That's a new one on me. The bins are the bins. Well, as I say i think look i think people are increasingly less tolerant for signs of life essentially yeah you know not living in antiseptic chambers come on uh can i just say john hopkins sent us a lovely he's done a mock-up and he as he says half the work's done for you already. It's a photograph, it's saying,

The Charity for Misused Apes, endorsed by the Frank Skinner Show. OK. He's even given it a charity number. Please don't donate money. Yeah, don't start sending us. I mean, who do we give it to? We could buy some perfume for the zoo. Do you remember I went to the zoo and we had to put perfume on things for the...

What was it? Stoats or something. Stoats, is that right? Is there such a thing as a stoat? Yes, there's a stoat. You know, sometimes you say something and think, have I just coined that? It's a stoat in the ferret family. I think of it as very Victorian stoat. That's a hospital pass, isn't it?

I can't believe you've asked me that live on air just to show up my ignorance. Where does the weasel fit into this? Oh, I can see them all rising in and out of each other like the head of a gorgon. But I don't know. The weasel went pop,

didn't he? Yeah, that went, yeah. I think, yeah, that was the microwave in soup. Too much Coca-Cola. All right. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I mean, I've heard some suggestions, but Ruth Jordan, who, can I say say is fast becoming one of my favourites. She's certainly features on the podium somewhere currently.

Just because she's managed to combine a number of current themes. Right. Rebins. Maybe Frank could offer to get rid of all of his bins and put all his rubbish in the neighbour's bin. Then he should go to the museum and borrow the Tipton Slashers monkey and leave it in her bin with just an arm hanging out. It's good thinking.

Yeah. I mean, I think seeing the photograph would be enough. I don't think the Black Country Living Museum would loan out the Tipton Slash's monkey not for a prank it would have to be for something special it would have to be an exhibition

what else would you want it for a wedding I'm thinking we've teased it so much I might get a live show out of it if I could borrow it for the grand done it's just a very victorian thing isn't it the unveiling of a stuffed ape yeah i'd like to uh sashay us on to something that happened previously uh usually when we do previously on this show it's some something that you know we've talked about three weeks or three months ago but ben harrington has messaged on the show instagram and it's actually about a project

that you did previously he says loved your documentary on ali very interesting i noticed when you drive you have extremely straight arms exclamation mark and then it says discuss i'd i'd like to discuss this a lot i think um it's to do a straight arms driver frank i i you know someone said to me uh once i hadn't been driving that long but they said you i saw you in your cop-pass in your car. You were very upright indeed. I don't know if it's... Maybe I'm bracing myself. This was... I don't totally trust the old airbag revolution. Maybe I'm just braced.

I've got the brace, the locked shoulders, you know. You're one of those people that still drives exactly as you were instructed. What do you drive like? A more slouchy approach. Is he like Frankenstein's monster? There are some things that I absolutely remember. I hear his voice in my ear saying things like,

and remember, when you're not on the motorway, you're not on the motorway. Oh, I like that. But some people, when they come off the motorway, they still drive quite fast for a while, and then they get used to the A road thing. That's good. I like it because it's got a sort of a twinge of existentialness to it.

Like, if you're not on the motorway, you're not on the motorway. Yeah, it's good repetition. Yeah, I do like that. But, yeah, I mean, a friend, an old school friend, teased me about my driving and said I drove like an old-age pensioner. And I said to him, I thought if he's teasing me, that gives me licence.

And so I said, remember, I've got a lot more to lose than you have. And he took it really bad. He didn't take it well. And he took it. That's really bad. He took it really, he didn't take it well. And I thought, that's give and take, isn't it? Bants. Yeah. When you say give and take, that's quite a punch. No, but he did bring it up.

Yeah. He basically criticised your driving and you criticised his life. Well, the whole nature of banter for me is the whole nature is escalation yeah yeah you really wrapped that up yeah you don't want to go down one dear if they've gone up to i mean saying some men i mean i think um in my experience some men are men, I think it's particularly men, very touchy about criticism of their driving. So, you know, you could say he was on an equal plateau with mine in some context.

For me, obviously, I'm very open about the fact that, you know, I've spoken about the difficulty of parking. Yeah, you're not very good at that. No, I think, you know, driving is great. I mean, I don't know, being brilliant at driving, what does that even mean? It's a bit cigar smoker of the year. It is a bit, yeah.

What are you good at, driving? Yeah, I mean, no, no, no. You know, I can get around without hitting anything most of the time, and that's good enough for me. But some men in particular are very touchy about it. You know, when you say, like, suggest someone, you know, learn to drive, mate. So you, you know, open window. See, they're really bridal.

You're not a backseat driver, though. Can I tell you who is? Who? I don't know if I should. Okay, well, we'll give you time to think it over. Okay, we'll discuss it off-air. Who is a backseat driver? Someone we both know.

We'll discuss it off-air. Sounds like David Baddiel. You're right. I'm guessing. No, but David Baddiel, to be fair, is very good on direction, so that is... No, I had a massive... When we drove to Robbie Williams, we had one of the worst flights we've ever had. Okay.

I think we can't top that sentence. So, yes, we were talking about things that have previously been on the show that people have had all the thoughts about. I like that because some people listen to it on podcasts, for example, and then they can't put in their two penneth or is it a penneth? However much they've got.

Whatever they can spare. Well, 376 says, we're talking about parking and driving in general. Hi Frank, my husband always gets out of the car with his arms outstretched in exasperation by my parking. Oh, no. Oh.

Man. So male. Oh, we now know what Pop Goes the Weasel refers to as well. 692 has enlightened us. You're looking worried. Don't worry. I've checked it. It's fine.

I've always assumed it's just about the cost of living. Well, you're not incorrect. However, it's slightly more specific. The nursery rhyme Pop Goes the Weasel refers to Cockney rhyming slang, weasel and stote, which stood for coat. There goes the... which stood for coat. There goes the, pop goes the coat. The pop element of the nursery rhyme refers to selling your best coat at a pawnbroker's. Pop goes your weasel in selling your coat.

So it's about the cost of living. Yeah. Do you remember the Anthony Newley version? Anthony Newley, the popular singer of the early 60s. Was he married to Joan Collins? He was, and had quite a big influence on early David Bowie. David Bowie's first albums were basically Anthony Newley tribute albums. Anyway, he sang in a very sort of English fashion,

and he did a version of Pop Goes the Weasel, which began with a sort of English fashion and he did a version of Pop Goes the Weasel which began with a sort of a half a pound of tuppany rice half a pound of treacle but by the got to the middle bit it was why did the weasel go pop go pop pop goes the weasel why did the weasel

go pop because they changed the price of tuppany rice to four pence, and it was very 60s. Interesting bloke, though. Anthony Newley there, showcased on Absolute Radio. Did he do a musical called Stop the World I Want to Get Off? I believe he did, yeah.

But he always sang in that sort of distinctive English voice, which is still very unusual. Yes, the 80s music voice. Sorry, Al. 526 has given us a different differentiation between a weasel and a stoat, which is what you asked originally. What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat? A weasel is weasel-y recognised, while a stoat is stoat-ally different.

I haven't heard that since I was seven. That's Matt in Elstendham. I've not heard it ever. Yes, it used to be. And I thought it was a broadcast. It used to be, like, seen as the very height of wordplay in the 1960s, that. That did. I liked it.

But what was the other creature? Another reason I'm glad I wasn't around in the 1960s. The ferret. The ferret. I mean, really? That was the other creature? Another reason I'm glad I wasn't around in the 1960s. The ferret. The ferret. I mean, really? That was the bar? Yeah, people would, it would be like, I wish I'd said that. You will, Oscar.

You will. It was honestly, it was like a fabulous bon mot. We've also had a top tip, a recommendation. 245 has said, Frank, you should visit the British Wildlife Centre at Lingfield, Surrey. It has examples of stoats, weasels, ferrets, polecats, pine martins, probably a mink, all your familial skinny little rodent needs covered, plus loads more, wildcats, badgers, etc. Really nice day out. What about misused apes? Let me guess where this person works. They don't add that, but I think we can

infer. I'm guessing. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Jane has messaged us to say, Frank, I think your new neighbours might be the same people who moved next door to me. We're getting that this seems to be quite a common thing, Frank.

I didn't realise bins were so controversial. I think people worry about, you know... The exterior appearance of the house. I think these things matter to people. A similar strange discussion was had and a suggestion of a bin store was given. They cost £300. A bin store?

What does that mean? I've got what it's sort of a cupboard. It's a store for bins. Yeah, but a store? What, I'm going to open some sort of cubicle? On-road cubicle? Not some sort of too Ronnie shop. Do you mean a little house for them?

Yeah. Yeah, bin store. As Al says, pretty much as it sounds. Well, a store. It sounded to me like there's somebody for them. Yeah. Yeah, bin store. As Al says, pretty much as it sounds. Well, store, it sounded to me like there's somebody selling them. It's sort of a covered area. Okay. I have a bin store. I think there's too much of that in life,

things being the dirty side of life being hidden away. Yeah. Yeah, let's get it all. Let's just be open about who we are. I love what you've done with that. Lovely little spin. Listen, speaking of little spins, Al was enjoying the idea that I drive straight armed.

That doesn't make me laugh. It is funny. I should say that I don't think you're tall enough to create my loathing. I hate people that drive with the seat so far back that they're practically sat in the back of the car. Yes. I don't like those people. No, I need...

It's almost louche. Ow, it's so louche. I cannot bear... You know what? There's people who drive like that, the same people that... You know what I'm going to say? The arm around the passenger seat when they're reversing oh yeah now i need to be able to reach the doctor who cds in my glove compartment

so i can't go this is too arousing i can't go anyway look i went to um the uh the O2 Center and they very kindly gave me a VIP parking so I should have had it was a mix-up it should have been valet I got valet on the way out but anyway on the way in this woman in a high-vis coat said, right, can you drive into the space? So I said, okay. So I thought I'll reverse in, because when I reverse into a parking space, I feel, as I walk away from it, I think, all the hard work is done now.

When I get in, I've just got to go forward. And I love that. I've done all the hard yakka, as they say in Australia. So I reversed in, and then there was a sudden, there was a, on the back of the car. And she was right standing behind where I was reversing in. So I put the brakes on. I said, sorry about that.

And she said, that is exactly why I said, that's why we say driving rather than reversing. And I thought, I've never heard that distinction before, that reversing isn't driving. It's all driving. A general catch-all. Anyway, she was too ashen face for me to argue.

Did you hit any other vehicle? I didn't hit anything. I just nearly hit the lady. That's all. That's all that happened. Absolute Radio. I am so... Yes, so I parked at the O2 and it was all right. I didn't hit anyone.

You reversed it. I reversed it. You were driving. Yeah. Have you ever heard that distinction, Al, between... I hate to play devil's advocate which i think we all know whenever someone says i'm playing devil's advocate here they mean i'm being a bit of a git um i i i think i make that distinction in my head between driving and

reversing so when i start reversing in my car i am no longer driving no but if you're i mean you're still driving obviously if you're still driving, obviously, but if you're parking and someone says, oh, can you reverse into that, they mean as opposed to driving forwards. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but they didn't. They said driving.

No, she said, can you drive in? Yeah. I get it. Anyway, so... Mark Nixon... Oh, yeah. I used to work for a company that insisted that all cars were reversed parked into the car park.

So, I would drive in to be a rebel. So, he makes the distinction though, drive in reverse. Yep. I've been living a lie. I had no idea. Also, I didn't realise that, you know, in the petrol station, you're not allowed, because I've done that, I've sometimes done a little cheeky three-point turn if my car's facing the wrong way.

So the time pump side. Oh, yeah. I had a man tell me off once. What, you can only go forward, you know? Yeah, you're not allowed. I didn't know that, Frank. I mean, every day is a school day. I've told you before of the time I was on the phone,

on the forecourt, and a man ran out in case I blew the place up with my phone. Yeah, they get mad about that. They hate it when your phone really sparks, your spark phone. My spark phone, I call it. Never seen it. So you were going to the O2. Were you seeing my lovely Reece Stevenson?

I was going to see Strictly Live, is what I was going to see. Me and my family, we watched the last series of Strictly. You're like the Queen. You're my family, we watched the last series of Strictly. You're like the Queen. You're my family. And so it was nice for Buzz to see all the guys in the flesh. Not all of them, but there was a thing. It was great. And obviously the dancers are all amazing.

And Buzz does love Rhys. How was my boy Rhys? Did he deliver? Yeah, he was he got to vote. The audience actually got to vote with their phones to see if we could change the original result.

Yeah. But we didn't. We did vote but nothing could stop. Is it Rose still? Yeah nothing could stop Rose. She's unstoppable. But there was something that happened, which I think I'll tell you about after this.

It was an interesting, I would call it a physical revelation. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, I was talking about my trip to the O2 to see Strictly live. Now, most of the main dancers were there who you'd want to see. No Oti Mabuse, but I think she's already departed. Anyway, the judges were Shirley Ballas, Craig Revel Horwood and Bruno Tognoli.

Return, Return of the Mac Yeah, so Bruno Tognoli hasn't been on it for how long, two, three seasons maybe and I don't know if you ever watched Strictly but they've got more technical, there used to be a lot of nonsense talked on it

a lot of embarrassing VTs which was just squirm making below mediocre comedy. And now... Play with you. Yeah, but now they've moved on, and now they talk about dancing in quite a... They're unashamed about their knowledge and love of dance.

It's much, much better. I know what Frank means. If they'd go to a sort of Spanish bar to sample the cuisine or cook in the kitchen, it was very silly. And Bruno was of that period of the show. And it was so Craig Rimmelhorst, and when I didn't think there was enough, the shoulder movement was very, and all that kind of stuff.

And Shirley said, well, no, I don't agree with you, Craig, because you move beautifully, you use the whole floor. And then Bruno would stand up and say you are so hot and so sensual you're like an animal and I can't remember the last time anyone said that to you no that I was so profoundly embarrassed oh wow it was. It was a level of embarrassment. It was a physical experience. It was like getting a sort of shoulder massage, but from the inside. And I got to the point where when they went to the judges, I could feel the anticipation

of it in my inner being. And he would get up again oh so though you move you're like a tiger and i would feel it again it's oh this awful awful but strangely addictive um feeling of acute embarrassment like i mean on his behalf um and i think it's probably the best cardiovascular i've had for probably 18 months. How did you feel? Even talking about it, I can feel it. It's come back to me as an emotional memory.

Is it quite triggering? Oh, man. You are so hard. Can't breathe. Can't breathe. I'm so embarrassed for you. It wasn't even for me. I suppose I was pleased at my own selflessness that I felt it for a fellow human being.

Yeah, that's nice, isn't it? Yeah, I think so. How do you feel it was going down in the room, as it were, in the arena? I doubt if anyone was as self-analytical as myself. Slash gittish. I think some people probably thought this is a lovely walk down embarrassment memory life but no someone should have said and we don't do that anymore but the other two judges were probably thinking let Bruno carry

on with these with his 2020 stuff and then we'll do the technical and look like really clever. His 2020 stuff. He's the most damning thing I've ever heard. He's gone totally... It was a great year on lots of criteria. Exactly. He's done the Tom Jones as well, you know.

Occasionally, Paul McCartney did this as well. They suddenly stopped dyeing their hair. Oh, my God. He's done that Tom Jones as well, you know, occasionally Paul McCartney did this as well. They suddenly stopped dyeing their hair. Oh my God. He's done that. Has he? That's a good move. Yes. But he shouldn't have.

So is it white, the hair? It is white, yeah. Is it? But if I was him, I would have kept the hair dye and got rid of the embarrassment. If I had to choose, he must have been a point where shall I stay embarrassing or shall I stay brunette? And he's thought

I'll stay embarrassing and just let myself go. And I think that was the wrong decision. Looking back. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 465.

I think Frank is right. That'll do Next That's the trailer sorted for this week's show That's the next autobiography sorted She should have said drive in forward or drive straight in

The responsibility for communication lies with the communicator, as Frank well knows. The parking attendant may have been subjected to the creeping influence of US culture. A drive-in movie theatre, no doubt. And a medicine. But for me, drive, I'm going to say it one more time, it is the overall thing of controlling a moving car.

That, to me, is driving. So reversing, you are still controlling a moving car, so you are still driving. So driving is a catch-all. If she just said drive forward, I would have driven forward, no problem. Okay. Right. Well, I'm glad you forward. No problem. OK. Right. Well, I'm glad you set her straight by driving straight into her.

Who stands behind a reversing car as well? Parking attendant? That's a good texting. Who stands behind a reversing car? You do get... I notice when I'm reversing, you do see people just stroll across the road with boggies and all sorts behind you.

I always feel that they've overestimated people's general ability with keeping the biting point, you know. Oh, yeah. Some people roll back when they're setting off, don't they? And some people can't be bothered to even look in the rearview mirror. You see, can I just say that's another Americanism? What's that? Is it?

Valet. I believe the original What's that? Is it? Valet. I believe the original is valet. Is it? I think so. Valet parking? I think Jeeves and Worcester, he would have been a valet. But I think that's... I don't know.

But I say valet as well, Frank. It meant... When I got the valet parking, it meant I walked out of the O2 and my car was right by the door. I mean, there was people all around my car. It's like being the Beatles. Right. Yeah, they just left it there for me.

Like George Harrison parking outside Apple in Get Back. Yeah, exactly. It was like the 60s where you parked outside the place you wanted to go. Those far-off days. Yeah. Anyway, that was a bit of my life we've had someone else saying you're living rent-free you are living rent-free in their head haven't we are it's actually double or five which makes them sound quite sort of a colleague spying yeah morning

friends have you heard of the saying, lives rent-free in your head? It's when a memory slash story slash song, etc. is just stored in your head and pops up every so often making you laugh slash shudder slash cry. I haven't heard that. I think it's actually a Donald Trumpism, because he

used to live rent-free in his opponent's heads, people said online. I still miss him. I still miss him. It, it's also something, may I say... I still miss him. It's not something you often hear on commercial radio. Voice of controversy there on Absolute Radio. It's a good saying, though. I like the saying.

Well, they use it... I'll be honest, therapists use it a lot. They say, don't allow that person... Yeah, they'll say, Emily, don't let them live rent-free in your head. I'm oversharing here this morning. Well't let them live rent-free in your head. I'm oversharing here this morning. Well, they have a rent-free in the head story of Frank misunderstanding the family changing room at the swimming baths.

Oh, yes. And going in uninvited with shocked other man and child. It pops up at least once a month and still makes me laugh. Even typing it now is making me giggle. Have a fabulous Saturday. That's a nice message, isn't it? That's when the man says to me, they're very cramped, these, aren't they?

That was his wife. Instead of just telling me, do you know it's supposed to be one family per thing? He just says, it's very cramped. I said, they are, it's ridiculous. And then I said, that's mine, actually. Yeah, it was... That was. The thing is, if you remember, it was... That was...

The thing is, if you remember, when I told the story on the radio, it was, this bloke, it was really, like, you know, strange mood. And then we had, like, about 80 texts saying, you're not supposed to go in him. More than one family. It was a great revelation for me.

What Frank Skinner story lives rent-free in your head? I've got one. Have you? 8.12.15. OK. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I just say, we've been absolutely inundated. We don't have time to read them all out,

but thank you so much for all your contributions to the text in When Did Frank Skinner Live Rent Free? in your head. What? Was that a text in? I didn't even... Turns out it is. It's the people have spoken text in. People have spoken. Drunk Basil Brush is coming on This Is Your Life is coming up a lot. Oh, yeah.

And you're no Taunting Omo Sharif. Yeah, well, Drunk Basil Brush went like this. Oh, Mr Frank, Mr Frank, I want to... It was like drowning Basil Brush sound. Anyway. Anyway.

Also, I mean, there's various, various. We won't read them out because it feels a bit like reading praise if we read out like when Frank has been funny and they've remembered it. It's very nice that people remember it.

It is very nice. Unless, of course, I'm re-ashing it at a charity gig. Well, it turns out I've always thought of you as something of a Nicholas Van Hoogstraten of the landlord community.

Al, you know who he is. Yes, he is. He's not the bloke that put dead, he is. He's, I think he's... He's not the bloke that put dead bodies on shows. He was a notorious landlord. Oh, okay. Not for good reasons.

Not like a benevolent one. Who was the guy who had the dead bodies exhibition? Wasn't he called something like that? Doctor something. I got my picture taken with my arm around him. And even his's you know

there's a theme here for hanging he always wore that self-styled colorful um mortician yes i am i'd like to discuss a new story that i uh i don't understand this week uh robert pattinson i think it's quite difficult to say his name you know the TV and film star I think everyone wants to say Patterson don't they I think people call him our pets doesn't like that he did and I met him I didn't longer did it what did he say to say I mean he just said I find it a bit I said well how do you feel about being called that he said I find it a bit... I said, well, how do you feel about being called that? He said, I find it a bit random. He said, it's hardly a term of endearment. I just think it's... I don't like it.

It would be a term of endearment if it was a Scouse guy talking about his sister Patsy. Yeah. Ah, Pats. But also, it's not random in that it's his first initial and the first syllable of his surname. Yeah. If people called him JPEG I think he's got random mixed up with abbreviation yeah anyway he's been in the news this week because... Is he nice?

Do you know... Sorry, I just want to establish. He is... He's charming. Is he really? He's someone... I described him. He's not... You know when you meet a movie idol or a sort of big screen idol like that? No, well... Oh, come on.

I've met a few, but... You have, I haven't. You sort of expect them to have that confidence and entitlement, but he seemed... I described him as uncomfortable with his aesthetic lottery win. Oh. OK. Charming, though.

Good, that's good. Bobby Depey. That's what he was known as. Bobby Depey used to be in a band when he was a kid, and that was his stage name. I'm not joking. Anyway. Sorry, carry on al when you say you're not joking are you joking no he was as a child he was a front man in a band i can't remember what they were called something like bad girls and his stage name was bobby depey all right

bit random Bobby De P. Oh, right. Bit random. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. So we're talking about our Pats. Oh, he's not going to like it. Bobby De P. He's read the news as old Bobby De P. And I don't understand why, to be honest. You are the one person on the team who I thought I could rely on

to understand and explain this story to me. He's apparently been training to get fit to play Batman, and one of the things that he's used was counting sips of water, and I don't get it. I don't understand why that would have any contribution. I mean, I could do that now because I barely drink water. It's boring, isn't it? Like, I have tea, coffee, sometimes I have...

You sound like my actress mother who used to say, I loathe water. I mean, very occasionally I'll have a bottle of water at the side of the mats or something. I mean, very occasionally I'll have a bottle of water at the side of the mats or something. I mean, not very occasionally. I take water with me to grappling lessons, but I wouldn't take water with me anywhere other than that, really. Here's what I think it is about, as far as I can understand.

OK, tell me. I'm basing this partly on my own naked modelling career. Oh, yeah? Which was one shoot I did with David Baddiel for PETA. You know that organisation? Oh, yes. I think they're... Murphy.

They're a sister association to the Miss You's Ape charity. Right. And anyway, someone said to me, what you should take is, I'm not going to use the F word. I don't mean the bad F word. There's one that's less bad, but I just don't like it. There are pills you can make that make you release wind.

Oh, yes. And you take them before a shoot is the idea so that your stomach, you completely, and your stomach flattens as much as it can. You've got to time it well. Yeah, you've got to time it well. You don't want that moment caught on film, do you?

No, and I think with the bodybuilders, just before a show, you've got to have exactly the right amount of water for intracellular expansion, but no extracellular. So your muscles look defined but you don't start to look sort of a bit squidgy. So what he's talking about is really studying exactly. He's talking about just before you go on to do the no shirt thing, you have it to get it look as good as possible. You all know this from your Vengaboys work, obviously.

Yes, but... Did you plan for that? Did you...? I did some gymnasium work. But when I work out, I move... I haven't done much working out in my life, apart from, you know, darts, scores. And I don't look good. I look like the Mahatma.

I just get very thin, is what happens. Gandhi's not a bad person to look like. Oh, the other one. No, that one, Gandhi, yeah. So, yeah, so I looked like that on stage. But I remember someone asked me if I worked out during my... when I did some nudity in the West End. What a night that was.

Can I just clarify that Frank was in the play called Art? No, I was in a play called Cooking with Elfers, which involved a lot of bear bombery. And a tortoise. So I think it's about that really... What's disappointing for me about this, and I had a feeling I'd spoke to you on the show about this before, is when he got the role of Batman,

he said, oh, I'm not going to be one of these guys who's sort of, you know, in the gym every day. I don't believe in any of that. I remember he said James Dean, he didn't look ripped, but people still thought he looked great. Yeah. And he said, if you work out all the time, you're part of the problem.

And now it turns out he's crumbled. He did three months worth and he counted his sips. You know what the secret was, Al? The Bosu bore. Do you know the Bosu? Do you know the Bosu? Do you know the Bosu?

Is that a thing you might employ? Yeah, I know about the Bosu ball. Apparently that was the secret. I don't know what it is, and I don't like it. I don't know what it is, but apparently he was given a Bosu by the trainer and said, this will turn it around for you. I really don't like the sound of this. Go to the music.

No. Okay, I will. it around for you. I really don't like the sound of this. Go to the music. No. Okay, I will. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Look, here's my question about the whole Robert Pattinson, the whole thing now, as I've said before, about people getting their Oscars in the gym,

not in the rehearsal room. And this is my question. I think that I could play Superman next week. And I'm telling you why. Because in the Captain America movie, have you seen the first Captain America movie? Of course I haven't. Chris Evans plays part of the film

as a little scrawny little bloke with a build like me, which they do with CGI and a body double to make him look scrawny so that when he gets the injection, he becomes this great, like the real Chris Evans, the muscular thing. Because he's quite shredded, Evans. Yeah, so why can't they just reverse that and do all this stuff CGI? And body double?

You make a good point. Well, see what it's like. It's like these people that go and spend two years learning the knowledge, driving round London on a little moped with a map on the front. Right. And then when they can just get a sat-nav.

As someone who loves you dearly, I have to tell you as a friend, dropping hints on the radio that you'd like a part in Doctor Who is one thing. I know that worked. But campaigning for the role of Superman... I'm saying, why put yourself through all the... the Bolu... the Bosu work

when you can just do his CGI? That's what I thought. I realise now, about ten years ago, when you were talking about how much you liked capes, that it was the beginning of this campaign. Look, I don't think I'm right for Superman. I'll be straight with you. I can't get that curl to hold at the front.

You're so modest. I don't think I'm right for Superman. Of all the things you've said. It's a real cream issue. But I'd say you pick the best actor and then you alter the body CGI-wise. Not that. Not you pick an actor and then make them

suffer and suffer for months okay that's my they call it the batman which worries me a bit no because the batman was the original comic he was called the batman so they've reverted to the original doesn't it sound a bit like a middle-aged person, well, like us, essentially, saying, is this the Stormzy? I think in the Dark Knight movies, I think towards the end they started calling him the Batman in this. They never say the Superman.

You're such a phone-a-friend when it comes to superheroes. He said a great quote. He said, normally, R. Pat, he said, if I'm offered anything with a physical edge, I run a mile. And I thought, it's good to know you've got your exercises worked out. Look, I've got to say today before I go, I know it's a show, a light-hearted show, but I was astounded at how upset I was yesterday

by the death of a man who's caused me so much misery and frustration over the years and that's Shane Warne because he has obviously destroyed England on several occasions because if you don't know anything about cricket just trust me on this he was without doubt the best cricketer I ever saw his complete presence at the ground, everything, his actions, everything about him was about winning and being a brilliant cricketer. And he will be, I'm really glad he's having the state funeral. That is the best news of the day. Anyway, thanks for listening to us this morning.

Thanks for the rent free in your head memories. I had no idea people remembered all this rubbish that comes out. But thank you for that. Maybe we'll put them into a chat book. So, I have to find out what it is first. Okay, so look, thank you for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. I'm going to see Revelation of the Daleks now and... I'm not. No Revelation of the Daleks now. And... I'm not. No, you're not. Now get out.