The Frank Skinner Show - Little Plunger

Episode Date: October 28, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week, Frank has been fishing and had an incident that's stayed with him. The team also discuss electric blankets, Lidl and how regularly you should wash a tea towel.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. It's Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215. Follow us on ex-Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the Radio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Morning, boys. You betcha, sweet bippy. at absolute radio.co.uk morning boys you bet your sweet bp morning morning morning and and and we were just talking about when i did um who wants to be a millionaire the last time yeah and uh pierre um this was pre you've on the show, was my phone a friend. I was. This was pre-COVID.

I mean, let's be honest. He would be everyone's top choice, wouldn't he? Oh, yeah. You got lucky with that one. Sitting by a switchboard. Yeah, so that was the night where I had to wait for my car back to the station for ages. And the runner said to me, sorry, we thought you'd be on a lot longer than that about the show.

It was just the ultimate sort of slap in the face. She might as well have put, comma, you idiot at the end of it. But Pierre was just talking about that. They send a sort of uh you know that Tom Jones film uh Tom Jones song green green grass of home when he says there's a guard and there's a saddle pod dream arm and arm we'll walk till daybreak you were sent a guard weren't you to make sure you didn't cheat yeah I was sent a sort of knowledge bouncer. Right. A guy in a sort of security

company branded fleece. I would have been instantly suspicious. I've seen those mafia films. They're always about to whack you. That's it, yeah. People that arrive in security guard outfits. He was holding a big bunch of roses pointed at my torso. Yeah. Yeah, and he comes in

and you have to sort of sit somewhere where they can take a picture of you, like on your couch, say. Yeah. And in the picture, there cannot be any books or phones or objects within arm's reach. Who are these Philistines?

No books allowed. Yeah, they took a picture of you next to you, just the Encyclopedia Britannica. That might be a bit of a problem. Just the sound of paper. Yesica. There might be a bit of a problem. Just the sound of paper. Yes, I just phone a friend and I try to find the answer. I think Joey Essex and... What's he called? Joe Swash, is that his name?

I think it's in their contract that in their photographs there could be no books of any kind, lest their brand be tainted forever. Nothing thicker than a magazine. Read the contract. Well, I don't know about that. I'd love it if you went round there and said, I've told you, can you hide those copies, Joey,

of the Brothers Karamazov? It's not good for you. Yeah. I actually think those two Joes, Joe and Joey, are quite smart dudes, but they know what the public want. The public don't want to be challenged. They want to be consoled. Yeah, strokes.

Yeah, yeah. When they're just relaxing, oh, can you pass me Edmund Spencers, the Fairy Queen just to cleanse me having to be an idiot on another panel show just to make people feel better you think they say, now that that's over

I can get back to my translation of Beowulf that I've been working on maybe not that much, but they're definitely giving the people what makes them feel better. Who was the guy on Big Brother who was responsible, Frank? It was a Brian, wasn't it? Oh, Brian Bellow. Very good. Yeah. See, he

was smart as well. Well, he once said, who's Shakespeare? I don't know who, and I didn't believe him. Oh. Well, I told you, I once did a show with him where we had to do a guessing thing, and it was famous English icons. And I got The Hay Wain, the painting by John Constable. And I was trying to, no, he got it rather.

So it was on his card. Right. And I was trying to guess what it was. And he was saying beaches, beaches, music, you know, girls dancing, and I just couldn't get it. And it was the Hawaiian, but he'd read it as Hawaii. That English icon. But no, I think it's play down, that's the secret. I wonder if anyone's ever, if they do that with every phone a friend, I'd love to know if anyone's ever if they do that with every phone a friend

I'd love to know if anyone's ever entered into a relationship with the man who comes to watch over you like a sort of Stockholm Syndrome thing sitting there saying you're going to get talking eventually and also they'll be impressed by whatever you say on the phone

and then they'll say look you know what you're doing on I'm not going to say what you're doing I did think like how vetted are the knowledge bouncers how vetted are the vetters yes that's it that's what I thought staring at him

I jabbed my finger at him and I said and who guards you answer me that yeah it's a good question and while he pondered it I snuck a little book out from under my couch. Did he just stand over you? Did he just stand over you? We sat on opposite ends of a sort of sitting room. What about if he said,

are you doing anything? Let's meet up Tuesday night. Do you like Chinese food? And he said, oh, I'm doing the chase. And you said, so am I. Come on. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And you said, so am I. Of course.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing magic tricks and... We were talking about... Don't tell people that. It's not very good for the brand. No. Discussing magic. No. But you did, frankly, a very good impression of that moment

where someone presents whatever it is, the kind of obviously plastic flowers. A dove or a cow. Yeah, and Emily. The doves are real. The doves are real. Yeah. We can say that. Emily, you made the noise that people make when that sort of happens.

Hey, hey. And I did think if you're doing actual magic, the last thing you want, you want gasps, don't you? Yeah, you do. You know, that sort of, eh, there it is. I am, I think I am. Awful. There aren't many things I think I'm the best at, but I'm one of the best magic audiences you could have.

I really do go, ah, quite from behind the ear. I get so excited by, certainly close up magic, particularly. Do you like magic, Frank? Oh, yeah. I like watching it. Oh, I didn't know that about you. Yeah? Okay.

Why do you think I'm wearing a brocade waistcoat? No, not really. Don't worry, I'm not. Don't switch off. no not really don't worry I'm not don't switch off ah yes hey listen

speaking of magic sort of ish I visited my sister-in-law etc and her family at a posh hotel this week

that they were staying at. Lovely it was, and we went for dinner there. And my son said, can I bring the projector I bought from Lidl? I said, oh, sure. How large was the projector? It was from Lidl. I didn't know Lidl did projectors. Sorry, that doesn't answer my question. Well, it's a Lid the projector. Oh, it's quite... It's from Lidl. I didn't know Lidl did projectors.

Sorry, that doesn't answer my question. Well, it's a Lidl projector. Oh, God. So, anyway... Oh. So, yes, you didn't know Lidl did projectors. No. Well...

Did Tesco do sort of light displays or something? This is bizarre to me. I think Lidl do things you... I was in Lidl... Is it online, Lidl? No, it's... Well, it might be, but it exists as a shop.

I've never been in one. It's also in our realm. Okay. They have a sort of a... What looks like a giant pick-and-mix section, but in one section there'll be, like,

Wellington boots. Yeah. And then in another one, like, gilet, canvas gilet. And there was one, and it had about five axes in it. Yeah. Big, and I mean big, the sort of axes you could take a building down with. Why do you display an axe next to it? It's a hard choice, isn't it?

I can't remember what was in the next section. You've got to be careful. Yeah, I think it was those milk teeth. And then cola bottles in the one next to it. Of course, you buy them by weight, so if you do get an axe, it will be a... Yeah, you're walking around with an axe in one of those little big stripy bags.

Offering it round. Axe? No, thanks. No. Anyway... I'm sticking my teeth. So we got to the place and it was a lovely hotel. I won't name it because I can't remember what it's called.

And also... So, did I have to pay? I said you won't's called. You have to pay. So did I have to pay? I said you won't name it, because we have to pay. No, no. Anyway, so he got this little, it's something like a small projector. It's not like, you know, the owner of the, the guy who runs the theme park in Scooby-Doo. It's not that level.

Not that level of projection equipment. No. Where he can make people actually carry things. Somehow, yeah. I don't know how he does that. So we were sitting having the posh meal and Boz just went and plugged the projector in, in the socket,

and just started projecting images on the ceiling. What were the images? Well, I'll tell you after this. I'll just give you one brief moment in time. At one point, there was a French man come over to talk to us about wine, and there was like French man come over to talk to us about wine. And there was like an image of Santa Claus just spinning round above his head on the ceiling.

Bring it in on Absolute Radio. So, yes. So, yeah, there was a... You asked before what the slides were for the oldie projector. Sorry, Lidl projector. Oh, my goodness, what a terrible faux pas. You can't get those mixed up. Your name's going to be loved there. Yeah, that's like the bit in Hamlet

where the king mixes up the names of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and his wife has to correct him. That's what it reminded me of. Anyway, Aldi and Liddle. They should have called them Aldi and Liddle. Yeah. Tom Scott Barclay. Be a good double act.

So there's three sets of slides come with the little projector. And then the little projector enters two slides for each theme. And the themes are Halloween, which obviously at the moment is opposite. You can probably guess what will be on those ones. Spooky pumpkin. Oh, yeah. Yeah, pumpkin, bats. Ghosts wearing Reeboks.

Well, ghosts, the sort of, the ghosts are very, you know, the bald ghost on the chiffon, that kind of ghost. Oh, I don't like those ones. No? No. I like a sheep with the black eyes. Yeah, well, it's based on that theme,

but it's good, good Halloween. And then Christmas, you know, Father Christmas, snowflakes, that kind of thing. Drunk wearing red. No, well, then there's a New Year set, and Buzz put the first ones on, and what would you anticipate would be on the New Year's slide?

I'm surprised they did a New Year one. The very blandest of the holidays. Well, I would say some sort of, I mean it's not very child appropriate, but a popping champagne cork. Yes, well exactly. Some glasses that are made to look

like a year. Not that good. Not the glasses. This is Lidl, a place that don't even use all the vowels. So they drink, basically. And then there's a second one for each one. And then the second New Year one. More drinks.

I just couldn't think of a new year thing other than drunkenness a big calendar no no calendar big colander might have been better big colander that you can get from the middle was it just the massive industrial green colander like the sort of thing you could do if you had a small troop you could do all the potatoes in that oh man was it just god there were some big shoes big shoes in the middle aisle the little aisle as i like to call it yeah, ugly shoes. Who would want those? You can imagine

Dr. Frankenstein thinking, yeah, they might fit him. The trouble is they look slightly cheap, I think.

So, lice up Wellington. These are for a friend. You have something in a slightly

smaller size. Yeah, Dr. Frankenstein thinking, maybe for safety I'll get an axe while I'm here. You don't want to need it and not have it. Excuse me, would it be possible to shorten the trousers by a couple of inches, perhaps? Oh, Matt. So it was, yeah, it was, it went

on, none of the staff remarked on the slides on the ceiling. They were on there for, I would say, between 45 minutes and an hour. Did it affect all the diners? I mean, was it... Did people, was there a smattering of applause as each slide was changed?

No, nothing. One woman looked up at the ceiling as she walked through, but made no comment. What image did she catch? I can't remember. I mean, it was lovely to see some Christmasy stuff up there so early. It would have been fun if one of the waiters had looked up on the Halloween slides and gone,

as though he was actually afraid of the ghosts. Sorry, I just saw some pumpkins. I'd like it if next time someone booked a table and said, excuse me, what's happened to the slides? That's the reason we come here for our anniversary. Festival of lights. I wish Lidl had included, like, one of their own sort of slides with the axe

and maybe some panda cola. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I tell you what, I went fishing this week. You went fishing? week. You went fishing? Mm-mm. Gone fishing. Are you some sort of a Paul Whitehouse type? Yeah, I didn't actually.

I went and watched my son fish. My, our Keith is a fanatical angler. Oh. He used to have a load of trophies. I don't know what happened to them. And he used to win a lot of big pieces of meat in contests. Fish? No, meat.

What is meat? Surf and turf. It was that kind of thing. It was meat given as the prize. Yeah, that was the prize. Generally, as I recall, it was mainly, you could win a leg of lamb or something like that, if you will, or sometimes electric blankets.

Sure, the two things you get from fishing. Yeah. I like to think that it might be possible, if you could crank it up and off, to cook a leg of lamb wrapped in an electric blanket. Surely, because you're supposed to slow cook lamb. Yeah, well, there you go. There you go, put it to bed.

Electric blanket is a slow cooker of sorts. Yes, yes. That's why old people are so soft. In fact, you could probably sneak it up on an actual living lamb without it realising what's going on until it's too late. And initially it would be very grateful.

Yeah. The lamb said, finally some service has come. Anyway, so the idea was to teach my son to fish. So we got there. We were there for five hours. What happens if you teach him to fish?

Well, that's exactly it. He doesn't need to aid. He'll finally start asking you for individual fishes. Exactly. Yeah. Then you feed him for a lifetime. You couldn't really,

anyway, there was an incident which still lives with me. Was there for five hours and I was the only one who didn't have a seat. Let's just put it that way. And we had blue takis. Oh.

Blue takis is, you know, we talked recently on here, takis is the hottest snack of them all, and blue is supposed to be the hottest of the takis for me. I thought that was your funny little name for blue tak. Oh, no. No, yeah, they're snacks made from blue tack which is great because if you've got nowhere to put the bag put it on a tree um no so it was it was all yeah i i prefer the red but let's not go into it so keith went off to the convenience, which I believe is called the countryside.

And the countryside is a toilet. Yes. That's a good trailer. Yeah. Apologies to any of our listeners outside the club. You'd have someone like Sir Michael Heseltine in Burba Green Wellington's walking through. The countryside is a toilet.

Saying it as if it's marvellous. Exactly. The countryside is a toilet. But it is. When I go on walking holidays, I'm in the joy of just seeking a one away I've had one just like that

I know but I just don't want that ending up on brainyquote.com no as your legacy no I'm alright with it you see most people associate the countryside with you know birdsong and rambling green fields.

But I think of it, certainly I associate it with abandoned vehicles. That's one of the stalwarts. Anyway, more, I'll explain in a minute. But something happened which I'm still, it's still in my bones. Frank, we've heard from one of our regulars, Simon of Sudbury. He has this to say. Hi, Frank, Emily and Pierre. As a non-fisherman, I always think fishing must be the most boring activity imaginable.

But you've just topped it, watching fishing. That's from Simon of Sudbury, SOS. It's not generally seen as a spectator sport, is it? Anyway, what happened was Keith went off to the toilet, the countryside in brackets. Yes. And suddenly the rod, the pole bent and it was clear there was something big on there. And like, Boz was sort of pulled out of his seat and i got up and um it was he was really like fighting with this thing and i was i was incredibly excited so i thought what i'll do is

i'll reach out and grab the line and i had no idea whether you were supposed to do that, but I watched Spencer Tracy in The Old Man and the Sea. And he wrestles a marlin for about three days. I remember it's just cut right through his hands, so there must have been some line holding. And then a guy ran over from the next peg and said, no, no, don't do that, just hold the pole upright. So I let go of the thing. And then Keith come back and it was a big,

everybody was really excited. And then it got away. And the way it got away was when he took it out, the hook had straightened completely. The thing was so heavy, it had just straightened out the hook. And I'm still not over it. That was this week and I'm still not over it. That was this week, and I'm still not over it. Yeah.

It just, it summoned up everything that got away in my life. I must admit, my first thought was Shane too. Which, in case you don't know, was the sitcom that I wrote, recorded and edited, dubbed, and I still, to this day, never broadcast. How many episodes was it? Six, I think. Might have been eight.

I don't know. It's been a long time. So they full-on did the whole end of Indiana Jones. It's being edited by top men. Yeah, exactly. It was all done. It's still there, Pierre. Yeah.

Still there. We'll never see it. It's like the Warren Commission. It'll be on one of those missing, presumed wiped things that they have at the BFI. So that must have been... When I think of Shane 2 now, I visualise it with Roman numerals

2 rather than so long ago. But it did, it made me just, I thought oh, imagine the photo of Buzz holding a massive great fish. That would have been a family treasure forever. And it got away.

Did they have any thoughts about what it might have been? What type of fish? Yes. They said it was a carp. That's what they said. That would have been great, Frank. Yeah. Oh, so close. Straighten the hook. Straighten the hook. Yeah. I mean, I believe the crocodile did that in Peter Pan.

I think I'm going to start using that crocodile did that in Peter Pan. I'm going to start using that as an expression in my life for the one that got away. It straightened the hook. It straightened the hook. Yeah, I mean, the trouble is with it straightening the hook is that you know then it's... I mean, it was definitely big and it was really like pulling the rod from side to side and all.

And I know people have the one that got away story, but oh, man. Like I say, it's still nagging at me. We didn't even get to see it, you know. It's a mysterious creature. Oh, Frank. Maybe we should have shone some New Year's Eve slides on the water and it would have been mesmerised.

It would have come up going, what holiday is that? Yeah. What is that? And I couldn't help thinking if Keith hadn't gone to the toilet that moment, maybe he could have rescued him. Oh, I just, you know, it's gone. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Frank, I'd like to share some reader correspondence with you. Good. Now, you have some gigs coming up.

I do. I might even pop along myself, but, you know, I don't tell Frank Pierre when I go along. Undercover boss. Yeah, little undercover boss. Someone told me that they had met Tony Adams when he played for Arsenal.

And he said, if everyone had a couple of tickets for the game, speak to, and he gave him a number, and he said, you know, come to an Arsenal game. But don't tell me when you're coming. There's like 60,000 people in the stadium. And he doesn't need to hear them laugh or cheer.

No. He just needs to play for it. I like the idea of Tony Adams being a sensitive artiste. Ah, yes. So... Addo. Richard has got in touch. Morning, Frank, Emily and Pierre.

We have tickets to see Frank on Friday. Can't wait. Is this the Lyric one? Frank on Friday. Yes, I'm at the Lyric Theatre, Shaftesbury Avenue, Monday to Sunday, inclusive. OK. On Thursday, I received an email from NIMAX Theatres,

presumably this is the theatre group which owns the Shelfsbury Avenue, saying this, I'm afraid... Uh-oh. I am trepidatious. Saying this, you know what? We saw this show in Halifax, don't bother. This is from NIMAX Theatre's Ree Frank Skinner. I apologise in advance for the substandard...

No, it doesn't say that. It says, I am afraid, due to an issue with our booking system, the seats you have purchased for this performance do not exist in the auditorium. What? Kafka-esque. How can that happen? Yeah.

Richard continues. I can tell you now, we haven't removed any to put in TV cameras. Well, you say that. I know what your manager's like. No, but honestly, no one wants to, no one cares enough. I'm like Hauma now.

I'm part of the oral tradition. We're going to have to do our best to memorise it. Exactly. Because it's not... It is like sculpting in ice. The ancient mariner with his glittering eyes, hilling the tail. Ah, yes.

OK, let's continue with Richard. I fear thee, ancient mariner, I fear thy bony hand, is he? Yeah. You are as long and brown and rippled as the sand, or something like that. Someone once said that to me. Did they? That's really very unkind.

I fear the ancient mariner. It's unsafe. Yeah. You get splinters on the board. They've done nothing to it. No. Imagine if you were called mar Marina and that was your nickname. Oh, that'd be awful. Oh, yeah.

Marina. Oh, no. Oh, you wouldn't do that. It's very cruel. Anyway, Richard continues. So he got this extraordinary email saying the seats didn't exist. I wonder what's happened to the seats. Well, Richard says, first time for everything.

Thankfully, the theatre have given us two different seats and, wait for this... Oh, there's plenty of seats. I mean, let's put... trumpet that to the public. Thankfully the theatre have given us some seats that do exist. He continues, and complimentary drinks. Oh!

So all good. The new seats... How many complimentary drinks. Oh. So all good. The new seats... How many complimentary drinks, I wonder? The new seats are on the second row, so now slightly worried. Oh. Why? Well, I think he just thinks maybe people fear that,

don't they, being in the faring line? Well, some love it. Of the Skinner rapier wit. Some love it. I... The complimentary drinks always makes me think there used to be a competition on the cricket in the days when the cricket didn't make me cry. And Mark Nicholas, the presenter,

who's quite partial, would say, you can win tickets to, and it was like a test match in Australia or something and he'd say you get two seats great seats there hotel, lovely hotel, blah blah blah and at the end he would say

and a complimentary glass of champagne and I'd think I'd stick that part of it, you can stick that can I get some blackjacks instead? To the value of. Kilogram. People always think,

but you know what you get which is special? A glass of champagne. Just pour it into the soil. That's what I say about it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've heard from Clive. Oh, yeah. Clive Silas.

He says, Frank saying the fish pulled the rod from side to side. Sounds like you hooked the retired actor, the shark, from Jaws. Oh, well, we can all say now it's the one that got away and all that. Were you tempted to indulge in any sort of black, like a Doros age, sort of style fisherman monologues? I never saw it. Oh. I never actually saw it.

What? No, well, it was, you know, I only saw it. Oh, the fish. I thought you meant Jaws. I thought you meant Jaws. Oh, no, I saw Jaws, obviously. Why are you ruffling the paper like you're a little kid?

Because I just, I forgot, I've got a, I had, well, we had a series of calendars from our old friend

Martin Cheek who occasionally sends us his artwork. Oh, the rude mechanical? The rude mechanical Martin Cheek. He does sound

like Bottom and I can't remember the names of the others. Peter, what's his face? They're all called names like Peter Chair. You know, whatever people's names are. They're not called things like Hippolyta. Yeah. So Martin Cheek,

I forget what he played in Pyramus and This Be he was in the wall he was in the wall as well so please

find and close my latest effort please can you distribute too many pleases don't that would be so weird no

can you distribute this to Emily, Pierre and the team as thanks for all the pure oh no that was praise. I nearly read some praise there.

Please don't... More praise. Warm wishes. Oh, go on, I'll settle for that. And that was from Martin Cheek. I'll tell you what, he's done these Alice in Wonderland themed... I'm not sure I can distinguish between the Wonderland and the Looking Glass. Oh, the difficult follow-up album.

I read Alice in Wonderland. Actually, I've seen the house where the Looking Glass is. Where is it? Somewhere in Gloucestershire, I can't remember. Is it nice? I bet it is. Surely. Had a bit of cash, didn't you, Lewis? I thought it looked a bit sort of ragged and falling to pieces and very faded. All right, TripAdvisor.

Oh, hold on, hold on. It's a mirror. Oh, no. Yes, I read, do you remember that programme? It was called I've Never Seen Star Wars. Yes. And it was about things you've never done that most people have done. Yeah.

And one of the things I hadn't done was read Alice in Wonderland. So I read it. It's quite ambitious to suggest most people have read it. Oh, well... How did you find it, Frank? Rubbish. I love the illustrations. to suggest most people have read it. Oh, well. How did you find it, Frank? Rubbish.

I love the illustrations were excellent. Yeah. But, you know, people like it. Was he one of those druggies, Lewis Carroll? I don't know, but people like it in a sort of, oh, this would be a good thing. This would tell the world good things about me if I like this kind of a way. Oh, I see.

You're so suspicious. We've all done it. I'm the same with Takis. Well, I am the same with Takis, because I said to you off-air, when I went into the store, yes, I went to the store. I should say, Emily bought me a bag.

We plonked Takis on here. Everyone hates it except me, as far as I can tell. But we still continue. We're not on a retainer from Tacky's. I don't know. I mean, where is Tacky's based? We don't know who they are. Nobody knows.

They've never paid me a penny. I couldn't ID them in a police line-up. We should say, actually, we don't really plug stuff on here unless we love it, but we were sent some coffee recently called Rave Coffee, and Emily has done exactly that. She is rave about it. I'm obsessed by Rave Coffee.

You know, it's got me to, I've got a little cafeteria. I feel very proud. Is that one of the ones that go... No, it's one of the ones you get in a hotel. No, it's the plunger one. Those are old men first thing in the morning in the street, in my experience, before they go... Anyway.

No, it's one of, you know in the hotel, Frank, and they say, your coffee, sir? Yes. And they bring you the little plunger. Oh, yeah. It's one of, you know in the hotel, Frank, and they say, your coffee, sir? Yes. And they bring you the Little Plunger. Oh, yeah. It's one of those. It's very Parisian cafe culture. The Little Plunger sounds like a child theatrical from a Charles Dickens novel. And they all ate, even the little plunger.

The little plunger who dives into a tank of water to the delight of the ladies and gentlemen. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. That was The Clash with I Fought The Law. Congratulations. Yes, I'm playing that for All the criminals out there I can't remember her name Mrs Vardy Mrs Vardy

Mrs Vardy What's her name? Rebecca Is it? Okay, lovely Mrs Vardy to you It's Omar Vardy Goodie Vardy to you. It's Omar Vardy. Goody Vardy. I saw Goody Vardy leaking stories to the press.

Who is this man? Just Corey, sir. The more contentious. I missed the question. More than enough to answer it. My name is Corey. Corey, sir. How long until the Edinburgh Fringe sees

some sort of horrible Wagatha Christie reimagining of the Crucible? That would be fantastic. Can I be Judge Danforth again as I was at school? And? Continuing with our reader correspondence we've had a lovely missive from christopher and milana morning frank emily and pierre long time listener milana sounds like she should be one of the trumps yes milana trump i can I can hear. Who is that? It's Melania. Melania?

The real one? Yes. I don't know what Melania is. Is it Melania? Is it the same name? No, this is Milana, M-I-L. I like Milana because it's got a bit of Melania in it and very glamorous. Oh, okay.

Keep your hands to yourself. Okay. Long-time listener and admirer. You don't really hear that anymore, do you? Keep your hands to yourself. OK. Long-time listener and admirer. You don't really hear that anymore, do you? Keep your hands to yourself. No. A little bit 70s and inappropriate in many ways. But an admirer of the podcast.

Today is the first day listening to the show live, though. Oh. Hence the first time writing it to the show. Not that it's polished in any way for the podcast. Well, Christopher feels it adds an extra level of magic. You know when you get,

when you buy a salad and it's got like grit in it, so I never wash anything that I'm going to eat. Oh, no. And it's got like grit in it.

I think that's what the podcast is like. We could have rinsed it and made it ready to eat, but I couldn't be bothered. You think it's gritty spinach? Get it out there and let's pretend it never happened. We could have rinsed it and made it ready to eat, but I couldn't be bothered. You think it's gritty spinach? Get it out there and let's pretend it never happened.

Do you not wash any food? No. Why not? I hate when you've got fruit and you bring it back and it's like, then I wash it with one of our filthy tea towels. I might as well have left it the way it was. That's true. You know, Americans are brints. No, I don't think we've ever thrown a tea towel away in our house.

We have got tea towels that look like something that the ancient mariner would have around his shoulders. Honestly, and they still get washed and go massive holes, raggedy ends, still washed for ironed. You've got a Halloween tea towel. At what point do you wash a tea towel? At 8, 12, 15? When they smell, they start to smell, I find.

Or maybe go in before then, Frank. No, I think that's a good rule of thumb for a tea towel. Why do they always get... Stink. Anyway, we haven't got to the heart of the matter. Okay, so Christopher, you go on about stink. Christopher and Milana. Exactly.

But the reason I'm sharing this is because they're currently on their way to view a number of potential trial wedding venues. Are they having a trial wedding well this is what i need to establish but milana has now become a fan of the show as a result of christopher so thank you oh that's lovely well welcome welcome to you all and um yeah i like um I like shabby chic in a wedding. Do you? Yeah, wedding reception area. I tell you, your sister and brother-in-law, that was a good one.

One of my favourites. Oh, yeah, that was a nice one. Free flip-flops you got? Free flip-flops? Yeah. Yeah, free flip-flops if you can. You have to say it to get them.

Yeah, I don't know why there was free flip flops. I'll tell you why. It's for the ladies. Because we get tired of our shoes. Your sister-in-law was very considerate and new. I've never understood that. I don't want to be like, you know,

I'll tell you what I don't understand about women. But honestly, people, women trying on shoes, they're going, oh, yes, I'll take those. Oh, no. Yes. And, you know, I've got plasters in my handbag. It'll be fine. Oh, my goodness.

There you go. And they took so long to get ready. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We've received some further correspondence, Pierre, haven't we? Yeah. We've got a Merrick has Pierre, haven't we? Yeah. We've got a...

Marek has emailed in during the week saying... Oh? Hopkins... That'll be the one. Praise Redacted. Continuing the theme of adverts and advertising, please find attached a picture of a local joiners van Lovely bit of passive aggressive advertising on the side

So there is a picture of a joiners van And amongst all the standard sort of you know Timber, orange trees, garden rooms, windows and doors And then there's a sort of motto in italics Across the flank of the van That says Every time you don't specify timber, you're helping to destroy the planet.

Wow. Oh, I love an aggressive... It's a very catchy... An aggressive slogan. Why is that true? Does he mean you pick a specific kind of wood? Yeah, but it's funny, isn't it? Is it better to destroy the planet using timber then?

No, I think it's specified the kind of timber. So if you don't say, please use re... Sandalwood? Yeah, more like pine that has been grown in a reusable way. Oh, I see. But that's odd because surely can't you decide not to use rare macadamia wood because you're the joiner Isn't it a bit like saying

if you don't tell me not to kill these dogs you've got a lot of dog blood on your hands Well, don't do it then See, my dad was always building things and I think he was a constant search for timber He used to say there's some timber in this skip down on Salop Road, so I'm going down there with the bike, and off you go and come.

Pallets was very popular. Oh, pallet. Well, that was how, of course, the late Hilary Duvet made her fortune. Yeah, indeed. The industrial pallet. Indeed. Yes. What would he build from pallets?

I think she offered that kingdom for a horse if I remember rightly you could build a bird house I understand what you're doing there Frank

a bird house you could build a giant bird house if you had some pallets yeah you could you could build a bird house

in your soul what's that song a bird house in your soul yeah so it's that is complex I think bird house in your soul. Yeah. So it's complex. I think that's what it's saying. Every time you don't specify timber, you're helping to destroy the

planet. Wow. Have a nice day. I wouldn't know how to specify. If I found a boat and I need a new porch and can you make sure it's large. Large? It's large. Large. Large? It's done in large.

Oh, monsieur. Fancy. Well. Fancy. But it's going to cost you, mate. Well, Marek says, have you or fellow listeners got any more examples of such passive-aggressive advertising in the community?

Regards, Marek. He set up a texting. He's asked us to. I think he's set up a texting he's asked us to I think he's done it he's done it well I'll tell you

what I find it's actually not passive aggressive it's full blown aggressive I don't know if Hopkins should be bringing any more

mates if they're going to be so controlling Frank it's those notices that you get regarding dogs that I find a bit offensive. Are they... Well, I live here. No, no.

This house has a spoiled corgi in it. This house has a corgi in it. Is that what it says outside Buckingham Palace? Yeah, it's been nailed to the gate. Yeah. Amongst others. No, I don't like those notices that say a sort of friendly warning, in quotes,

which is badly behaved dogs, I saw this once, will be asked to leave the premises. Oh, yes. No, it doesn't say will be asked to leave. No, they, yes. No, there's a will be asked to leave. No one would understand that. No. You get shops that say, well-behaved dogs welcome.

Really? I mean... Kind of worms. Yeah. That's such a debate there. Well, we'll see. How do we judge this? What's your criteria?

Is the entrance to the shop a series of small obstacles? And so? I don't like the silences. I can't handle it. Do you understand me? What is it about the silence you don't like? Oh, no. Tell me.

So, there's another one. Oh, I'm sorry. My shoulders are hurting now. All right, calm down. I clench, I clench like a... You'd hate a pinter play. Yeah. Mark gets in touch.

I don't know how to pinter per person. Hurry up. Well, yes. Oh, God. We've got know how to paint up a person. Well, yes. Oh, God. We've got some correspondence about milk. We have. We have. But regarding cooking a leg of lamb in an electric blanket.

Oh, yeah. What, you're telling me it can be done? We've just got a message from a Dr. Frankenstein. Hi, FrankenCrew. Love the show and so on. Yeah. That's all so on. Yeah. That's all he says. Yeah.

Best wishes. Regarding the leg of lamb and the electric blanket, even stranger, there was an A-level physics exam last year where students had to work out how many times

you would need to slap a turkey to cook it. Oh, because the energy. The transference of energy from the slap onto the horrible dimpled flesh of the turkey. I'm adding that description. Mark hasn't gotten to the miracle.

No, but I can see that. Yeah. I remember when Baz, my child, was about, I don't know, 18 months, maybe two, we went to one of these farm shop. And there was a massive turkey. They are the ugliest of creatures. Yeah.

Are they? And he went, he was fascinated by it. And he went, hello. And it went. He just burst into tears. Absolutely terrifying. The whole thing shook. I've got all these terrible giblet things hanging off me.

Oh, man. That is the most disappointing animal encounter. I know. Or avian, I should say. Is it avian, Pierre? It's avian. Oh, it's avian. I don't know what it avian, Pierre? It's avian. Oh, it's avian. I don't know what it is.

It's got so much going on. But the idea of... You'd have to slap it all over unless you just cut one part. Could you just slap one part and the other parts would cook? I suppose, but then one part would be overdone. I'm in my pan. Yeah. It'd be like when you microwave a jacket potato

and the bottom is like a base that you can stand it on. Like it's like a model of a potato. I suppose, yeah, you'd have to have the turkey rotating. My granny's, I've told you this recently, my granny's Capi di Monte. Did I tell you this? Capi di Monte, if you were aware, it's aitomonte. Did I tell you this? Capitomonte, if you were aware, is a form of China.

She had a figurine of a man on a bench with my gran. Did I tell you this? And he's sort of got holes in his clothes and a bottle of beer and in the bottom it just says, trap. We didn't know, you see. We didn't know then. I mean, you can't, well I always told you my dad had a much nicer phrase. Gentleman of the road. Yes,

lovely. Lovely. Lovely. You should have used gentleman of the road your granny. Well she didn't inscribe it. She bought it, I'm just saying. She bought it like that. She bought it, she didn't inscribe it. She bought it, I'm just saying. She bought it. She knew what she was doing. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215. I wish I could say this so it rhymes Dean with 15 a bit more, obviously. Follow us on X and Instagram you know, at Frank on the radio

X and Instagram email via frankatabsoluteradio.co.uk professional to the last. We were discussing Strictly briefly. Yes. Oh fair. Oh fair yeah. Pierre hates it. Do you think he doesn't like it? It's our thing. I think he hates us talking about it. Strictly, briefly. Yes. Oh, fair. Oh, fair, yeah. And...

Pierre hates it. Do you think he doesn't like it? It's our thing. I think he hates us talking about it. Why? I think it's bread and circuses, nothing more. It is, yeah. I know, but this...

It's actually bread and circuses week this week. No, I'll tell you what it is. A big loaf and a big clown all dancing. I'll tell you what it is. It's artisan. Oh. It's not as much frippery as you suggest. It's what they insist on referring to as fright fest,

which I don't like fright fest. Fright fest? Yeah, it's Halloween night, you see, when everyone has to do something monstrous. It's the Americanisation of our country. When Dan Walker was on... Halloween is a thing. Dan Walker's Christian beliefs

means that he can't celebrate Halloween so he was a giant lobster. You wouldn't get that on a little slide for the Halloween thing. No, there'd be no lobsters. But he was.

It was very like Chariots of Fire when the guy wouldn't run on a sondag yes harry little hold on hold on there's something going on here there was um harry little the supermarket air you you get a lot of that um especially in the states although so they'll say oh well i you know instead of celebrating halloween I'm just going to dress up and go to a costume party. And you sort of think, what do you think Halloween is?

Yeah. Because they think it's devil worship. How do you, where do you stand on it in the Catholic tradition? Well, we are, like the Goths, we talk a lot about death and know that we'll never be fashionable. Oh. And we're alright with the undead, it's part of our brand

so yeah I'm okay with it maybe if I dog deeper no I'm and trick or treat has got an element of heaven and hell about it. There you go. You could have dressed as All Hallows' Eve and just come as every saint.

Yes. Yeah, that would have been an enormous costume. At least you'd be on wheels for St Catherine. Frank, who's your favourite saint? wheels for St. Catherine. Frank, who's your favourite saint? Oh, I like I like

Boniface, the Anglo-Saxon saint. Who went to Germany to spread the word and then refused to defend himself in a battle and was slain.

Oh, I like that kind of film. Okay, I'm glad I know that. Yeah. Thank you. I would like to... We've all got a favourite, sure. Yeah, I like Sebastian. Oh, do you? Hobbes.

Hobbes. Yes. I would like to take us back to some correspondence that we received during the week from our readers because they do get in touch. I like that. So we have an ongoing it's almost like the seams between the separate programs are filled in as in a wall by people saying oh that thing you said last week blah blah, blah. I like it. Yeah. So you may recall we were talking about, and this has been an ongoing... Never assume a man of my age may recall anything.

No, you're absolutely right. Generic advertising. Oh, yes. I'll inform you instead. Yes, I was talking about the fact when I was a kid, people would advertise not just things like Dairy Lee Triangles, but they would advertise the abstract concept of cheese. Yes.

So people would say there was an advert in which a man said, cheese, please, Louise. And it was for people who hadn't heard of cheese or ever thought of buying cheese generally. And there was a few of them. Milk. Drinker, pointer, milker. A pointer per person per day. Pinter was a few of them. Milk. Drinker, pointer, milker. Pointer per person per day.

Pointer milk a day. And we discovered some others like pork. Yes. And Ian Price in Cumbria has just prompted us saying, I don't know if it's been mentioned, but there was also the slam in the lamb series of adverts. Yeah. Neil in Edinburgh.

Slam in the lamb. Very led by rhyme. Yeah. Neil in Edinburgh. Slamming the Lamb. Very led by rhyme. Yes. That decision. And it was the idea of making it a slightly acceptably macho 70s activity for a dad to do. Slamming the Lamb. It's OK, fellas.

You can imagine. Don't slow cook it like you're seducing food. Like some not put down that electric blanket. We're going to slam the slam. You can imagine the marketing guy at Spam thinking, why didn't I think of that? Frank Skinner on Absolute

Radio. Regarding the generic advertising of concepts such as cheese or beef, and your own love for poetry, Frank, this is a real intersection of interest, this email. Okay. It's from Hopkins.

Yeah. And it says, Back in the 90s, a friend in A-level English wrote a meat-based poem entitled, Why do butchers use cheap green astroturf? Oh, yeah. I can't remember the full body of work, but the opening line was, All the meats start in a standard 4-3-3 formation.

Why, butcher man? I like it. It's nice, isn't it? I really like the sort of slightly beat poetry aspect of, Why, butcher man? When it said all the meats, I thought it was going to be like that mamas and papas talking about the cooking process.

All the meats are brown, all the meats are brown. And the plates are grey, and the plates are grey. I took out some pie, took out some pork. Anyway. She'd have loved that, Cass.

Yeah. The old mouth would have been watering. Oh, don't. Oh, don't. Poor Cass. What a voice. Poor Cass. What a voice.

Their dame hairs. Production of Guys and Dolls. Neil in Edinburgh, Frank. I'm'm not gonna do that with my arthritis i'm almost cobbles exactly neil in edinburgh this is still on the theme uh of the generic food ad campaign yeah uh neil and edinburgh gets in touch morning all my all-time favorite generic food advert campaign was for sea fish using the slogan you can't resist a kipper okay sea fish adverts i didn't even know it was a category but i suppose it makes sense oh we're returning to sea fish

based on the old when i i'm on a sea fish diet, when I sea fish, I eat it. Don't worry, we're going to get back to sea fish. OK. Adverts featured a slightly plump cat, rude, wearing appropriate PPE, trying to break into a fridge using a blowtorch and dynamite. OK. I have the ad in front of me. I'm holding it here.

You can't resist a kibble. All right, Neville Jamley. Speaking of plump, I saw... How dare you? I saw... Speaking of plump, Emily. Speaking of plump... It's all right, I made the joke first.

I know, exactly. I saw her... I can only make it because you obviously aren't. Not that it's a bad thing to be. That was a close one. The modern times. It's hard. No, I saw a painting, which I've never seen before,

by a man called Michael Andrews. And it was a painting of a plump gentleman in a suit. And it was called, the painting's called A Man Who Suddenly Fell Over. And it's got this bloke, he's fallen over and there's a woman like screaming next to him in absolute horror with her head in her hands. That's great.

It is. It's worth googling. Do you think Michael Andrews gets a lot of people excited halfway through his name? Yes. We've got a new painting here by Michael Andrews. Oh, Leo! My name is Michael Andrews.

Yeah. Leonardo, yeah, he painted some good stuff as well. My name is Michael Attenborough Yeah Leonardo He painted some good stuff as well Oh We laughed Oh no Oh we've got The Fez emerged

The Fez has emerged And so we will pause Fractionately Fractionately Write that down I like it As the Fez emerged. The Fez has emerged, and so we will pause. Okay. Fractionately. Fractionately. Write that down. I like it. And then there'll be things, and then we'll be back.

That's how the show works. Get over it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I need to share something you all heard this morning. Yeah. Watching Australian... Have you ever seen Super Lego Masters Australia? I'll wait. I've never seen Super Lego Masters.

Yeah. Never mind the... Never mind the development of the idea. Never mind the Antipodean spin-off. The franchise expansion. Okay. Well, I only caught, because I sometimes do this.

Do you ever do this before you leave the house? We have an early start. What about when Patrick Stewart told me that an American TV exec had said that they were going to arrest Star Trek because of franchise fatigue?

I love that. I've got that. Yeah. I am franchise fatigue on legs. I heard something, you know when you only hear maybe three seconds

or seven seconds perhaps of a show and you think I'm in already. I've got to go but I'll be back. Yeah. Because I only heard, this is what I heard when I caught a bit of Australian

what is it called again? Super Lego I heard a man shouting put your hands in the air and lie down on your bricks I'm in and to be fair they did okay how are they going to it's a riot yeah yeah yeah so you'd you'd shout down the length of a prison

but also there's a chronology issue there isn't that you can't put your hands in your in the air and then lay down your brick put your hands in the air and then lay down your brick put your hands in the air and then open your fists and let the bricks cascade down your arms oh the sound anyway I recommend it I think we should all go in can I also

Rowan can I can I also share this with you from Tristan Harris hi Franklin team Tristan Harris is from the birmingham area hi i love that with regard to flip-flops being given out you may recall i was mentioning earlier that rachel your sister-in-law had a lovely touch at her wedding where people got free not just flip-flops i think but those sort of they were fabulous

espadrille yeah and it was for us ladies yeah with heels so Tristan continues with regard to flip flops

being given out many voluntary street unfortunately they got them from Lidl they were all size 14 I'm in I love I love this wedding

just a job for Pierre you would have loved it doing the monster mash Pierre might be a satyr but anyway carry on many voluntary street pastors I can never say that Frank is it pastor?

it's hard to say without being American I know I want to say it in the right way pastor a preacher man a preacher man without being American. I know, I want to say it in the right way. I don't know what the word is. Pastor. Oh, a pastor. Is that the right way to say it? Yeah, pastor. A preacher man. A preacher man.

Many voluntary street preacher men who patrol town and city centres on Friday and Saturday nights. What, manic street preachers? Yes. In terms of their level of busyness, yeah, absolutely. Also, give them out free to women wearing heels. I've heard of that as well

as being more comfortable it's to prevent them walking barefoot in areas where there could be broken glass yeah or lego bricks yeah put your hands in the air and lie down those bricks you ever stood on i know it's a cliche but if you do stand on a lego brick it feels like not only does it hurt but it feels like your power cable has been removed and you have nothing in you to fight back. Do you think the street pastors originally were handing out flip-flops for the high-heeled women out of a sort of, here you are, Jezebel!

sort of angle? Exactly. Put these on, you harlot! A long skirt, so I hand it out as well. In bonnets. Sash minas I hope so oh this will be

our version of the Crucible it could be set in Sheffield outside the Crucible Theatre on a wild Friday night absolutely perfect Tristan from Birmingham he of the voluntary street pastors going around perhaps judging women

yes I think they were trying to help we made light of that I think they were worried about you used to get those pictures in the tabloids of working class young women lining the gutter with their pants showing i think any pastor would want to avoid that yes but some of us are looking at the stars yeah exactly yeah i was just looking at the pants oh frank no i don't i don't care i don't care for those photos. I've said to you before,

I do not like the tabloids having pictures like from Aintree suggesting, oh, working class women can't do the races the way posh women at Ascot do. Shut your faces. OK. Tristan... A little bit of politics there, as Ben Elton used to say. Why did Ben Elton have to tell us he was doing...

Was it his way of apologising in case people didn't like it? I think it was more of a wake-up call. Oh, yeah. Tristan from Birmingham has... In addition to that, he points out they also give out lollipops as trials have shown them to prevent trouble in or outside pubs and clubs. People are less likely to shout aggressively

while sucking on a lollipop. What say you, Frank Skinner? I think they've put hemp in them or something to slow them down. Didn't they strung out the people? I was once at an away game. I think it was Oldham Athletic. They had an artificial pitch at the time.

And the West Brom fans, our section, were kept in after the game, which was a common thing to do, let the streets clear a bit before you let the away fans out. But they played I Tore, I Tore a Puddy Cat and the Teddy Bear's Picnic. And I think it can only have been a psychological plan to make us feel jolly and childlike so we didn't go out looking for violence.

They do that in tube stations and McDonald's sometimes. Do they? They play classical music. Is that all? To dissuade the youths in some way or to keep people calm. And it is quite surreal if you're not aware of that strategy

and you're just trying to buy a burger from McDonald's and you hear Sibelius. It's a very good idea. Blaring. Best place I've ever... I once had Teddy Bear's Picnic played in a gay club. Which, if you know, you know. It was a lovely reference. Yeah. Okay. Well, I was played in a gay club which if you know you know it was a lovely reference yeah

okay well i was once in a in a car um as in somebody driving me and we were stuck in traffic on a major road in central london and he suddenly switched the radio to Classic FM. And I said, oh, do you fancy a bit of classical music? So my doctor said, if I get stressed, I need to listen to classical music. But to be in heavy traffic, Classic FM. And he just, he said no, and he just, he was, he stopped talking to me, he was just soaking it up. Frank, very quickly, Lorna of Langford.

Is Buzz watching Strictly tonight? Nigel's dancing to Kiss. Just putting that out there. What? Yes! Well, Buzz will be watching Strictly, but in a way, I don't want him to know that because he'll be so utterly delighted that Kiss are featured on there.

Well, Nigel's my personal favourite. I'm thinking Crazy Nights is my guess. What do you think? Keir doesn't like Strictly. He's not going to get involved. He hates to watch it. No, but he knows Kiss.

I know Kiss. I know. I have to think on that. Oh, I'd go for Heaven's on Fire. I love that riff, man. Okay. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Mark in Fair Oak has been in touch I don't know where that is but I like the sound of it sounds nice some sort of golfing area maybe he's just specifying his timber

yes at last because if you don't you're destroying the planet okay hi Frank and crew what makes us sound like astronauts. I love that. Love the show and so on.

I heard you talking about cooking a leg of lamb using an electric blanket. Yeah. Embarrassing. I do apologise, Mark. Even stranger, there was an A-level physics exam last year. Oh, do we? We read this. Oh, we read it! Oh, my goodness.

15 years and it's finally happened. Someone's read out the same one twice. As I was reading it, I realised, oh, Frank, I'm really sorry. As I started reading, I thought, this sounds familiar. How strange. Someone else has used the same wording.

Oh, that reminded me of when I saw... I don't know what to do. I can't remember his name now. The guy who wrote Get Shorty and... Oh, yes. Elroy James or something like that. It's not that. But I saw him at the BFI and they asked him,

he'd written some of the spaghetti westerns for Clint Eastwood. Yeah. And he said, yeah, when they asked me, I said, spaghetti western doesn't make any sense. It's like Hawaiian pizza, and it got quite a laugh. And then later on in the question, somebody said, what was it like working with Clint Eastwood? He said, well, when they asked me, Spaghetti West,

we all thought, no, it's that now. Like I thought then, I thought, that's a coincidence. It sounds a bit like the beginning of the other one. And then he says, yeah, it's like Hawaiian pizza. Nothing. And he just looked around like, that huge? You can see him thinking that huge. And he goes, very well.

They've heard it four times. And now they've heard this email twice. I think it's the worst thing I've ever done. No, I don't think it's the worst. I honestly think it is. I think it's the worst thing I've ever done. I can think of four things, but I can't say any of them on there. All those murders.

Oh, I'd really like to apologise to everyone. No, it's fine. It's not really fine. It's deeply unprofessional. It was just a mistake and we all make them. Wait till you hear about the Hawaiian pizza. Oh, that was terrible. We might have some clarity on the timber thing from Clive Silas. Okay.

He says, I'm sure he just means use wood. Clarity from Clive. Clive's Clarity. That could be a regular feature. Clarity Clive would be who saw Goody Vardy doing something. Yeah. It's a very sort of Quaker name. Oh, yeah.

Clarity Clive. Very Quaker. Clive says, I'm sure that the joiner, the passive aggressive joiner van means use wood, not plastic in terms of specified timber but again we must ask Clive why does that duty fall to us but also use wood not timber is a perfectly good slogan not plastic I don't know use wood not plastic that's fine yeah that's okay jeff astle the former west bromwich albion star center forward he um sadly no longer with us but he uh ran a window cleaning company and it said on the side of his van he was famous for headering the ball which um in the end turned out to be tragic but he was brilliant Atty and on the side

of the van it said the window cleaning Jeff Astor window cleaning company he never misses the corners oh my

that's very good excellent I like that excellent work that was very nice I like it oh and so

we come to the end of another show. Yep. Wistful, The Guardian. And, you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio.