The Frank Skinner Show - Loch Down

Episode Date: June 27, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The team bring you another show working from home - direct from the linen basket! This week Frank had a picnic on Father’s Day and Buzz went back to school. The team also discuss the recent Nessie photographs, the picture on a malted milk and kettlebells.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can't text us, I'm afraid. We're not live on this occasion. But you can still follow us at Frank on the radio on Twitter and Instagram. Or, of course, that old standby. on the radio on Twitter and Instagram or of course that old standby you can email us via the

Absolute Radio website Hiya guys Hello Laughing at hiya guys I'd start off with it, make it sound a bit like glee I felt it felt like we worked in a sort of leisure centre

Yeah exactly I think it kind of it felt like we worked in a sort of leisure center yeah exactly I think it worked because I was chirpy in return which is not my natural style no no if I if I led you into chirpy this early I feel my my work here is done yeah brilliant I sneered which you know might some might say is my natural style. Oh, calm now. We were just talking. Can I just say, I'm actually crying from one eye because I'm sitting here in the upper room. I'm going to call it the north room. And I've got the doors open because it's quite warm here

and I've just had a dandelion seed go in my eye oh now I don't know what the implication I've been pollinated as I sit here well it's not my material catchphrase but what are the chances of that happening eh?

I know it is and what if I have some sort of dandelion grow in my cranium in my crane? I don't know how quickly they sprout up. It's alright I can either see an eye surgeon or a rabbit to have it removed. Frank the other good thing about dandelions is that you know on the plus side just a cath will just blow in your ear and it'll be gone she'll just have to keep up maintenance well i'll have to wait to it to go to seed i mean what about the yellow um petaled section wait for it to go to seed have you i don't think she'll have to wait very long guess what guess what i'm already there um have you ever eaten a dandelion

no i haven't. But I believe they're often on the menu in sort of Heston Blumenthal type places, aren't they? I mean, like from a park. No, I mean, pick one up. Because they have a very enticing, when you break the stem of a dandelion, they have an enticing milk. Yeah. Don't know if you've ever noticed that.

And I thought, oh, i bet that's nectar that is the nectar of the dandelion it is one of the most bitter things i've ever tasted in my life it's not as good as um ben shaw's dandelion and burdock no it's not in i don't know how they make that i don't even know know what burdock is, but I bet it's never seen a dandelion. I bet there isn't even a dandelion in the adjoining waste ground to the factory that makes dandelion and burdock. That's how close I think it gets. Did you meet the dandelion, just a little bit of further background info I'd quite like. In adulthood or childhood? I would say in the interim. I was probably...

Adolescence? Yeah, 17 maybe. Quite old. Yeah, it's that point where the recklessness of childhood begins to become the sobriety of an adulthood. And then like the cavalry arriving, here comes alcohol. It takes you back to start. Return to start.

Yeah, so it was, I can tell you other things I've eaten, but they were very unhygienic indeed, as was everything in the West Midlands, of course, because it was all covered in a fine coating of chemicals from the local uninhibited chimneys. Wow. We were just discussing kettlebells. When I say we, I mean Al was.

Yeah, Al was. How many have you got Al is that a question one shouldn't ask a man yeah I probably have a few four, five there's a saying in the ukulele world nobody has one ukulele and I was figuring

it was probably the same with kettle bells has it come a lot this is what i want to know and you can chew this over in in the break and then come back with a with a you can write on both sides of the paper i'm looking forward to this is it did it come about from people lifting a heavy kettle with two hands by the handle and thinking, you know, if we could get the spillage element out of this, this could be quite a successful exercise item. Stick around for the reply to that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Those of you who were with us for the previous link will know that I left you on something of a cliffhanger. And I asked resident he-man, Alan Cochran, if the kettlebell originated from someone picking up a heavy kettle of water and thought, you know this with modifications this could be a successful exercise item you know this sets up a very difficult precedent for me because when live gigging returns people are going to come along to my show and go he's not the resident he-man he's a gangly bloke in his mid-40s well that's why they would be very mistaken because I think you have the look of...

Do you remember Brad Pitt in that... Who was the guy who was married to Madonna? Oh, Sean Penn? No, the English... Guy Ritchie. Guy Ritchie. And there's a film where Brad Pitt plays a sort of a street fighter character oh yes it's

called smash the film i believe and he's very lean but he looks you know lean lean he's the lean mean uh lean green mean machine i'm sorry i'm reading this from the back of my i'm reading this from the back of my George Foreman toaster. Anyway, the kettlebell. What do you know? The kettlebell, I don't think, evolved from people filling up kettles with water and then thinking, you know what, if we could seal this at the top,

this would be a handy workout. I believe that they were originally weights that were used at Russian food markets, so they would put them onto one side of the scale. Oh, is that right? And then people started exercising with them, and then the rest, as they say, is probably history. Well, I hope not in the middle of the food market.

I mean, that's in the poker room. Can I stop you there? I've been doing a lot of tie-dye. I will come back to this, but I've been doing a lot of tie-in. I will come back to this, but I've been doing a lot of tie-in. And one thing I've found is lots of old notebooks of mine with very little, like three pages filled in, of stand-up, potential stand-up jokes. And I'm going to read this out because I wrote it down.

I found a notebook that had only one line written in it. And let me tell you, this is what it said um advances in snooker technology colon the rest is history very good i was really pleased why why haven't i built on that? There's a sitcom in there. There's been comedy shows built on less than that. Yeah. Successful series. There's been careers built on less than that. I'd like to see that sitcom.

Perhaps with a cameo from Peter Ebdon. Oh, yeah. Yeah, maybe go back a bit. Dennis Taylor is a natural comedian, of course. I'll tell you who's funny, John Verger. Yes. I saw him live at Warwick University. He was there. He bent down for a long red.

And Vienna was on the jukebox. And an obviously drunken student, this was in a different room, just went, it means nothing to me, joining in. And John Virgo, without looking up, said, I used to love that song.

And then just potted this long red. Very, very fine indeed. I liked it when they made Snooker cool briefly in the 80s. Chas and Dave got involved, didn't they? Yeah. Snooker Looper, yeah. Yeah. Well, that was the golden age. If anyone listening, by the way, I know this is a long shot,

but if anyone... Still listening. Has anyone listening has discovered any writing that they've done from an old diary or something which is stuck in their memory? I would love to hear it because it's great because one of the advantages of getting old, and there aren't many, is that when you read your old jokes, they're completely new to you because, of course, you've totally forgotten them. I remember I had a diary that only had one line in it. Just January the 1st, it said, there can be no love without the fear of losing.

I hadn't quite worked up the material at that point. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about discovering things that you wrote in the past, like, you know, notebooks, diaries, stuff like that. Emma, you've got one, haven't you? Well, I have.

I will say in the interest of full disclosure, I have shared this publicly before, but, you know, that's all right. You're my family. I can share it with you as well because I don't think I've told you about this, but did a lot of um you never read a page three girl saying that whatever happened to page three girls i was a documentary on recently which i yeah i recorded and haven't yet watched can i say very much at the instruction of my partner I was going

to say a bit sleazy if you recorded it for personal viewing I don't know actually can I can I combine these uh twin themes of sleazy and finding writing from the past I found a diary of mine from 1982 I think it was and one of the entries said a woman there was a woman streaker at the rugby yesterday I think I might be in love there's the thing that Dandy Nichols used to say on till death us do part when Alf Garni was set and she just go pig I said that of myself. Pig! Oh, I might have to borrow that. I'm having that. Pig. Yes. So I have previously shared this with Rhys James on his podcast, but I'm going to share it with you. I wrote this when I was about 10, I think, and I've just called it.

So this is creative writing. I'll just read you the first paragraph. These are some letters that were found in a spacecraft. Lie already. I love it so far. Dear Maria, it is now Monday the 20th, August 1000. I know, I'm sorry, I thought that was the future. Oh God, I said Anglo-Saxon theme. It's really dragging me in, sci-fi Anglo-Saxon. I have not told you, but I decided to explore venus more thoroughly it's not from that's a quote from the fireball xl5 script

i think anyone who gets that will is welcome to it as peter mcalele you know that rather nice man who also works as a guard at the national buckingham Palace Museum with me as I write this letter. I'm writing to you purely because I feel comforted as I do. If you receive this letter through the new solar system post, then please try and write back to me. The Earth seems galaxies away. Oh, brilliant. You were 10. I was 10.

Oh brilliant! How old? You were 10! I was 10. Can I say, what amazes me about this is I never heard of a McAlealy until Cloud McAlealy played for Chelsea. I think he's now known as iCloud. Yeah. McAlealy. But this, if it was 10 years ago, with all due respect, and I realise I'm on way for thin ice here, but I wouldn't have thought Cloud McAlealy was in the public eye. So where on earth did you get that surname from?

It's extraordinary, isn't it? He does say afterwards, he says, it seems like only yesterday we were driving cars instead of Space Transport Limited. Must go now. Peter needs help with the controls. Yours truly, Max. I like it, though. You actually like it? It actually like especially if you were like street as you are i think as mark gaitis once established

british sci-fi royalty because she was in there the triffids it gives it yeah it's like um you know you've got a pedigree yeah well there you go i'm glad you like it. Of course, you're not the only one in your house for the pedigree. I realise that. No, it's... I'm glad you enjoyed it. Yeah. And I've just had a text from Erica Rowe. No, I haven't. Erica Rowe was the streaker, the rugby streaker.

She sat in the streaking chair, definitely. Oh, she was in the streaking chair for a long time. It was Father's Day last Sunday. I don't know if you're aware of this. Congratulations. I was asked what

I'd like and normally we'd go out for a meal but, you know, strange times. And so... Unprecedented. Yeah, I asked for a picnic in the garden. That's what I said. Lovely. And the centrepiece of it was a big pork pie,

which obviously pork pie is... It's always good. A big pork pie, which obviously pork pie is, it's always good. A big pork pie, and it had DAD, D-A-D, in block capitals, in relief on the top of the cross. Oh, it was lovely. It was, oh, it was really, and I'll tell you what it reminded me, I had a flashback to my childhood. And do you remember malted milk biscuits? Yeah. Oh, I love those.

Yeah, they used to have a... Did they have a cow on them, Frank? Well, they had two cows on. In fact, they were, they directly refuted the folklore belief that you can tell when it's going to rain because cows lie down because one of the cows was to use the heraldic term one was rampant and the other one was crucial as if they were expecting a mixed day so there's a foregrounded cow and then a cow which is either a calf or it's further away And then a cow, which is either a calf or it's further away.

You're absolutely right. The foreground cow was a bit more like sort of dossing at his friends. He'd gone round, he was just chilling out, wasn't he? I remember the foreground cow. The foreground cow, if lit correctly, this is how much relief... It wasn't in completely high relief, but it was in... In case you've never seen a malted milk biscuit, really it wasn't in completely high relief but it was in the occasion of a sin of malted milk biscuits it was a bit like Rodin's gates of hell is that the images were raised up from the background and if it was lit in in in

the correct way the cow in the foreground cast a shadow, which was really quite special. Did it have cornicing, some sort of lattice work? Yes, it did. It had exactly that. It was sort of framed. There was variance as well. I think when your poetry podcast has run its course, perhaps you could do a biscuit podcast with this level of appreciation. I worry about middle-aged men talking about biscuits,

but this one is more, I'm talking about art that happened to be on a biscuit. Yeah. I see. I think malted milk biscuits were one of the pioneers of 3D. Yes. I don't think now we'd be watching Thor 3D if it wasn't for malted milk. I love the attention to detail that someone had a meeting,

several meetings, about the visual design of that. Someone said, let's put a sort of gilt frame on it effect. Yeah, well, I tell you what, I don't want to stick my neck out, but I think I have a vague memory of variants. I think there might have been one that featured a churn. Oh, shut up. Which is a bit on the nose,

isn't it? I like the idea of milk as a sort of a vague, vaguely associated with the creatures. I don't want to see a churn on it. Do you know what I mean that's someone on a milking stool yeah that's you know you don't want scenes from the abattoir on your beefsteak I written you could do a

robbing you could actually do a robbing of a malted milk this year if you had a wax crayon and a piece of white paper, I'm going to try that. You can still get them, can't you? I hope so. Oh, I'm sure you can. I'm confident that you can. I think Steak should have

like a bull on, slightly in relief on the front. Do you know what you're getting? on the front, see how you get him. You're talking about the malted milk cows, Frank. Of course we are. I'd like to draw your attention to something, which is the other most famous cow food character is the laughing cow, obviously.

The laughing cow, the spreadable cheese oh yeah triangles now that cow you see the malted milk cow was very rural almost sort of stately yeah it was stately yeah they had a grandeur about it it's a pastoral scene in a guilt frame almost whereas the laughing cow was a really loose character i mean sort of earrings it had kind of earrings and a very red face do you remember that oh no be careful it might have escaped from a cosmetics experimenting on animals laboratory because cows would definitely be a cheap animal to do that test on wouldn't it well they've got big lashes though i can see there are pluses for mascara you could do a lot worse than a cow i don't think this is a good road for us no probably not okay it's called a joke

do you remember those oh dear whatever happened to yeah that's what we should do whatever happened they might think we were just um making some sort of confession about the show um so the laughing cow yes a slightly more aggressive um character i always felt than the lovely the malted milk was there was something very calming about that particular. I didn't see the laughing cow as aggressive. If anything, I have envy at people that laugh so readily. Do you ever have that? Sometimes I'm walking along the street and I'll see one of those people that's just beaming and I'll think, God, some people just look really happy when they're in neutral. Yeah, I don't like.

I'm one of those people who people say, cheer up, Frank. And strangers say to me. And I'm very unsettled by people who are like Professor Brian Cox. Yeah. Perpetual sort of. I watched some of that The Planets today. Yeah. And theual sort of, I watched some of that, The Planets, didn't I? Yeah, and the last came ahead. This is not funny.

There's nothing about. What are you grinning about? I don't know. Of course, he was in a band, so who knows? There are certain people that permanently wear the expression of someone just caught on the big screen at a football match. Do you know what I mean? They see their face at a baseball game and they look sort of pleased in a slightly bemused way.

I wonder if the laughing cow began at the advertisers' meeting, if someone had the idea of a more expanded pond the laughing cow valia and it was going to be a cow but in like a sort of a ornamental outfit and a hat and all that and people said and then people said oh i don't know if people are familiar with the original um artwork is there any way we can simplify it and someone said we could just say laughing cow and when they said it they didn't even think people would go with it was the bloke who'd had the laughing cow valet and he was actually saying it in a sulky oh well let's have a just a stupid thing like the laughing cow and then of course um they went oh yeah that's much better and that's

how we ended up with some terrible comic shortfall from the original plan, which is actually quite clever, I think. He was going to do a series of various animals based on that. The Moo-Naliza was, I think, one of his. You never know what's down there if you dig deep. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can't text us today because we're not live. I'm sorry, but you know, circumstances. You can, however, still follow us at Frank on the radio, on Twitter and Instagram. And, of course, you can email us via the Absolute Radio website.

Now, I've had a bit of technical things. I was looking at my charger lead for my I'm going to call it smartphone yes it's the only time people ever say smartphone as if they're trying not to say the brand of it um my smartphone lead I noticed just a couple of days ago looked um a little bit um exposed i do you remember in in comics like tv21 when you would get um say thunderbird one and there'd be a cutaway so that you could see the internal workings of it i loved those cutaway drawings i love it less on an electrical item next to my bed. Yes. So I put a picture of it and I thought there might be someone watching who was a bit appley, if you know what I mean,

who could tell me whether it's safe. Because I don't want to, but this has got a good long lead on this one, which I like a long lead on a charger. You like a long lead in general, from what I've heard from your friends in the S&M community. Yes. A long lead on a charger was something

that I think Sir Lancelot recommended to me. We've had some responses. I'm not sure how technical they are. Whiskey Gift Guide has replied to us on Instagram and said, I think so. It's low voltage, isn't it but i'm no electrician oh is it so i couldn't get i couldn't get anything i couldn't be thrown across the room

well mears pork products says um i know i feel your pain gift guide i like i always like the way you get you know alcohol that comes in a box, like a cardboard box. We seem to be hearing back from a picnic rather than a actual picnic. Exactly. Seem to be hearing from an afternoon in your house, Frank, in the 70s.

Who is it? Mountain Mow, right? This is Mears Pork Products. Oh, maybe it is in relation to the, maybe you're the new pork pie ambassador, Frank, without realising it. God, I'd love that job. Oh, man, I feel your pain. All our cables look like that, though.

All official ones. And I'm still alive. Oh, OK. So, do you think that's a representative of actually a company that's involved in the pork business? Because all our cables sounds like a man who's got a lot of cables at his disposal. Could it be? Cable guy!

Is that who we're actually talking to? But then Jay Haslett says, I wouldn't leave it unattended or overnight. Yes. Which is slightly more alarming news. Yeah. I once gave £1,000 to a fund to build a new headstone for William Hazlitt. Did you?

The writer, yeah. That's a good anecdote. I mean, tell if it's a good one. I haven't got a similar anecdote about William Hazlitt's headstone. You haven't given to any headstone funds Certainly I haven't given them a thousand pounds

Yeah well it was a time when my career was booming, a thousand pounds I'd spend that on a good cigar Well can I say I feel my donation to headstone funds is, I'm done, done okay thank you yeah fair enough see this I can make that joke yeah yeah exactly you can make it but I'm never quite sure what

the response I'm glad I can't see you simple as that and I never think that, Em, in any other context. Have we had any, is there any other outside world activity? We've had some malted milk responses. Oh, good. I mean, I never thought I'd be saying that in this day and age. I'm sure they're still available, malted milk. We haven't had that many malted milk responses. We've had muted malted milk responses. Do you want to hear them?

Yeah. Ian M says, there were sporting-themed malted biscuits long time ago. And then... I remember those, but they weren't part of the same family, were they, as malted milk? Wouldn't it be great if we found out

if M&em hadn't taken that name because of Marshall Mathers because he loved malted milk biscuits oh man that would make me so happy Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio on the subject of finding things that you've written, notes, diary entries, etc., when you tidy up, and there's been a lot of tidying up in lockdown, obviously, I found, I'm holding one in my hand, a notebook that I bought in Barcelona. It's even got like a Spanish sticker on the back and on one page I have just written dot cotton dot com you know there was a seed there was a seed what was that sort of documentary where where the actress June Brown attempted to guide silver surfers through the business of going online. Oh, I like it.

OK. We were just talking about our assistant producer, Faye. I'm very keen that she either does a podcast or something called Oh Faye, as in the French term and it to me it almost doesn't matter what it's about that if the titles that yeah so I'm bit of homework there Faye. You were discussing last week about remembering fires that had a little bowl of water next to them. Oh, yes. Is that a fair appraisal of what you're discussing?

Well, let me tell you, I had a bit of a shock about that because I always associated it. It used to go in people's houses and they had gas or electric fires and a small bowl of water was supposed to moisten the air. It's the modern-day humidifier. It's the modern day humidifier. But then I had a text from the nabob of Absolute Radio, Paul Sylvester,

and he told me that he's, I think it was his dad or his granddad, used to have one next to the coal fire. What? And I thought a coal fire brought its own moisture um but I mean I I could have been wrong is it true that if you press coal really hard it turns into a diamond yes pressure makes diamonds oh wow when I think of the money that slipped through my hands over the year making that morning kettlebells you'd have to be swinging to have that level of strength oh by the way we established i don't want to uh i hope i'm not um dropping you in it here but um owl is the owner of

not four not five not six but seven seven kettlebells very typical of all to go so we're very small for rehab and prehab. Okay, so would you say that you've got two the same weight? I have. I have got two that are the exact same weight. For individual arm work. Look, I'm a Joe Wicks guy now. I can have this conversation. You are, aren't you? Yeah, you've changed. The reason I bring up the uh

water next to the uh fire is that dean leister has messaged my parents keep a bowl of water in the microwave always have and i think it goes back to a warning in a user manual of the first microwave they had back in the 80s it makes me laugh every time i remember that i remember there being a glass or a little bowl of water in microwaves and i thought i dreamed it but it definitely was a thing now that is like i think there's a phenomenon i mentioned to you recently was that often when thoroughbred racehorses were traveling around the country they'd take a donkey with them for company and that to me is what the bowl of water sounds like. For the main attraction, the food that's being cooked,

is not going to be a solitary figure in there. Whatever happened to, and I don't have the jingle, microwave warnings? There was always stories in the paper about the man who sat next to one at the office and the right-hand side of his head shriveled and stuff. I don't know if they were myths or if they were more dangerous in those days, but I bet there's someone out there who can tell us. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

on Absolute Radio. It's been quite a big week in our house because my eight-year-old son, after three months of the gut-wrenching stress fest that is homeschooling, has returned to school and congratulations oh man so he was for you all at the end of the i picked him up on the first day and i said how did it go i said did you miss me he said i missed you but not as a teacher. Which was quite... I had such high...

I honestly thought, now I'll be straight with you, I honestly thought I was going to be like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society. I thought I was going to be this inspirational figure. You thought you were going to be Captain Oh My Captain. And instead, you know, I hear him saying things like, why are you shouting at me? And stuff like that. And he's thrown pencils at me and all sorts.

It's really been quite stressful. It is difficult, isn't it? Well, given that you used to teach professionally, Frank, so... Yeah, but I taught over 16s. It's a different world. People don't want to teach children. And the people who really don't want to teach children. And the people who really don't want to teach children in this country at the moment are teachers in state schools. Oh, wow.

They really don't want to. That was a party political broadcast. I tell you what I... No, here's a question for you. Go on. I'll tell you what happened. Now here's a question for you Go on I'll tell you what happened

Boz has got a teddy bear called Ben Which has been very much at his side During lockdown And has been A slightly Horrified witness During much of the homeschooling And Boz went

What sort of a bear is Ben by the way? I don't want to call him a standard teddy bear Because he's very much part of the homeschooling. What sort of a bear is Ben, by the way? I don't want to call him a standard teddy bear because he's very much part of the family, but he wears a T-shirt and pants. T-shirt, OK. Oh. All right. Alan's reaction, all right.

Yeah, even in this heat, we tried to persuade Buzz that he might want to take his T-shirt off in the heat wave we had um i get you it's a sort of winnie the pooh chic it's that no it's just it's a standard yeah it's anyway listen this is what happened don't judge me okay judge me buzz went to school i dropped him off i i came home ben was sitting in the offer and i was going upstairs to do some work. And I couldn't, how can I put this?

I couldn't completely dismiss the idea that Ben would miss Boz on his first day back. So I took him up to my room so that he could be with me. Right. Now I wouldn't tell everyone that but that was what I did. Is that alright? It sounds like it's alright for you I'm not so sure Ben would have enjoyed it given your previous behavior. I mean. Shouting at Buzz. Yeah. No, I wouldn't. And yeah, but I would never shout at Ben. But I really, I thought, I started to, you know, don't be ridiculous.

And then I got one foot out the door and I thought, I just, I can't live with him being down here on his own. It's, I don't know what, I'd love to know what our regular readers make of it. I blame Toy Story, you see, because I think it's become very hard since that franchise. You what, sorry? I think I've always... It's never really gone away from me.

Anyway, that's the... Can you email us with the answer to this? Could you unflinchingly knock a nail into a random teddy bear's face and think nothing of it? And you'll have to email or on Twitter or Instagram. I'd love to know what you guys think. Oh, God. There was another incident based on my child's return to school this week and that is that I...

By the way, come on, let's get those would-you-knock-a-nail-into-a-teddy-bear-face emails and things coming in. Remember, it's not your teddy bear I'm on about a random one that you have no personal association with I think that changes things significantly I don't want to you know

plead the witness don't knock a nail through a teddy bear's face on your own doorstep if the teddy was coming up into an adult environment I'm just saying I think it would have been appropriate to have put a shirt on him If the Teddy was coming up into an adult environment, I'm just saying I think it would have been appropriate to have put a shirt on him or some jeans or something. I just think the little crop T-shirt from the 90s with the pants,

that feels a bit off to me. Can I just say, to quote Rod Stewart, he wears it well. Is he adm learning his curves. So, yeah. So when I picked Buzz up from school on his on his first day back, I mean, it so happens that the Catholic churches are now open again for private worship. So I thought, well, I'll go in and have a bit of private worship and then I'll go to school. You know, thus killing two birds with one stone. And I mean, as you know, let you is without sin cast the first stone.

So I went to the church and the rules is you've got to sanitize your hands on the way in and on the way out. sanitise your hands on the way in and on the way out. And as I left, I pressed the plunger on the... Remember, I was just off to pick my son off from school with all the parents queuing up six feet apart and all that stuff. And I pressed the plunger and a shot of sanitiser went straight past my left hand and landed on my shorts in a place where one would only normally associate it with some sort of senior leakage. And I had like four minutes to get to school the church is like four minutes away

and i i it was um i thought it's a hot day maybe or but this hand sanitizer is a bit more hand sanitizer who i think wrote um didn't he write the little match girl? Anyway, it was quite in evidence when I got to the school and you can't say to people actually tanned sanitizer. Well you're just drawing attention to the problem. Exactly. For many years I've been looking for a reason for a religious faith and I think I've found it. Do you think it was a bit of a gag? Yeah.

Well, I thought you were going to say we're looking for a reason for having a stain there on your trousers. No, no. Well, there you go. You can use that as well. It's easily done, you know, because some of those plungers, I think, on hand sanitiser are unpredictable at best. Yes.

Sometimes. Yeah. The purchase is very erratic, I find. Or the Bruce purchase. It's so mean. It's to do with the continual pumping. So sometimes it's like playing a fruit machine. You don't know how many people have been pumping away before

and you eat it first time expecting a small trickle and you get jackpot. That's an allergy I ended up being quite pleased with. Be straight with you. Frank Skinner you Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Absolute Radio

Is there more from the external environs? Well we've been hearing from people who've heard previous shows of ours and lived and lived

a couple of weeks ago you were taking one of your extreme comedy viewpoints where you you know your contrarian side you said that you didn't believe in the concept of breaking in shoes that if your shoes aren't comfortable

when you buy them they're not comfortable that is my experience I've never broken a pair of shoes. I have persevered and all it has brought me is pain. I'd actually categorise it. Oh, no, sorry, that's relationships. I'd actually categorise it as a comedy rant that you did. Yeah, well, it was really true, though.

Well, 813 has texted, Good morning, Frank. If you have tight shoes, you should follow Roald Dahl's advice. He put sealed bags of water in his shoes put the shoes and water in the freezer as the water freezes it expands and stretches the shoes making them more comfortable to wear have a good day katie g in harville i don't know where harville is h-a-r-v-e-l and what about if it was a hot day so like like some of the days we've had this last week. Yeah.

Imagine putting on a lovely pair of loafers from the top shelf of the freezer. It'd be brilliant. You could be just sat in the living room and say, I'm just going to get an ice pop and put my brogues on. Yeah. Well, can I tell you... I wonder if that works, though.

Well, can I tell you something I do which isn't related to shoes, but I think I've shared this with you before, top tips for pet owners. I do freeze the old hot water bottle for Raymond, my dog, and he lies across it. Lovely. That's a really good idea. I'm going to do that this afternoon.

There you go. I'm having that. Yeah. I think you're allowed if it helps animal welfare. Yeah, so does that mean that cattle, that they expand in cold weather? Because they're made of leather. I don't want to think about that.

Oh, OK. What about when you freeze, when you freeze beef? I appreciate it's hypocritical. Well, that's a good point, Frank. Well, presumably water expands because it's a liquid going to a solid. Mm. I don't want to get more.

When you get leather... I've had lots of shoe shop people say to me, I said, I'm a bit tight, isn't it? Because, yeah, they will, they'll get bigger. They get bigger, those shoes. And the suggestion that leather stretches, and I'm not sure that it does. Anyway.

I mean, there is a rule as well in the fashion world, which was always, you know, never buy anything with hope. You know, and I think that's a very good rule in general. Don't think I'm going to buy this when this happens. Buy it for now, OK? Frank, we've had some... No, I can see... There's another thing that they often say,

they come up quite big, those jackets, but they'll settle it. It's just lies. It's saying, buy that. It's too big for you, too small for you. It's crippling you. But buy it. I'll say anything if you'll just buy it.

I get, like, 4p commission, but I'm prepared to make another human being suffer to get that to scrape that together. Oh, and do you want to buy some spray for it some suede spray just leave me alone sorry can't bear that they'd always upsell the bags when you're a lady buying shoes they try and buy you the matchy bag what do you think i am the late queen mother no just the shoes please spray for the suede shoes i mean who's ever done that who's bought that i once uh scotch guard did a cat for my cat allergy

um didn't work that was a joke was a joke okay don't do it at home it It's not funny. Cats are great. Be nice to them. What else? Shall we leave it there? The more people upset about the teddy bear than about the cat, that would be my bet. I'm speaking from my own personal viewpoint. I've got some teddy bear content.

Hold it back. Let's make it a cliffhanger. OK. Frank's Cale Scanner on Absolute Radio. You were talking teddy bears, I think, just before the news. Yeah, as texts go, it was quite all sort of requests for external responses go, I should say.

It was quite an unusual one, Frank, wasn't it, your call out? I just, because I'd felt sort of concern for a teddy bear this week, genuine concern, I just wondered how people relate. I'm talking about, you know, people that aren't troubled in any way. It's how they relate to them. So, yeah, the the question is could you knock a nail into a teddy bear's face without any uh regret but not not a teddy bear you know a random one a stranger well poppy joe says um nice friend for you frank as a young girl my parents bought me the toolbox and tools I so desperately wanted. They left me alone in the garage to come back to see I'd nailed my teddy bear to a cross.

Oh, what? Like Jesus. Where did you get a cross from? Presumably it was homemade out of wood, I would imagine. I remember. Go on. Mr MWB has got in touch via Twitter. He says... Are we moving straight on from the child who crucified a teddy bear?

OK. Can I tell you a story about a cross? There used to be... I used to have an office in West London and there was a man who walked around there Big shot. carrying a cross.

I mean, a full-sized cross. And he was, you know, he was a religious man. There may have been leaflets. I can't remember. But anyway, he carried this cross everywhere. He became a local figure.

And I saw him in the pub once, and he was only having a sparkling vimto. There's no expose on this. He was in the pub having a drink. It's hard work carrying a cross about. Yeah. Tell me about it. I thought, well, where's the cross?

And I saw like a wooden case. And this cross was hinged. And it folded up into like a little wooden suitcase and he was just sitting there in the pub. I thought that was a great thing. What a fabulous idea. Fold away crucifix. You don't get too

many of those. It's probably not a mass market item is it? I still don't want to know what happened to the rest of Popey Joe's. Sorry, I got it, I got it, I got it. What? Thanks for pulling me off of that. I nearly moved straight past it.

You'd be good in a car, spotting things from the window. Popey Joe, I'd like to know what happened to the rest of her life because if, you know, a child that crucifies a teddy bear you'd think might have a bit of a colourful way ahead coming up. Let's hope that wasn't the case.

Yes. I used to work with a guy, actually. I used to put a teddy bear on a record player and spin it round and throw darts at it. I'd forgotten about him. Well, we did do a texting once on this show, Frank, which was one of my favourites,

which was people's odd names for their childhood toys. So I'd just like to know what Popey Joe... I mean, I don't know if the teddy was called Popey Joe it'd be brilliant if it was but what happened to that the said bear who's currently unnamed I would like to know as well yeah and

are there other teddy bears in the area who gets the martyr based on on Popey Joe's teddy bear. Did they line up some other teddy bears nearby like as disciples? Did they start crying

or something and people came for miles to see the bear crying? Well, two teddy bears, one either side of it, one of which was sympathetic, the other one was lovely. Aggressive. If it was Easter, to other one was... Lovely. Aggressive in the extra. If it was Easter, to me it takes the edge off it

because that could be a child mistaking it for decoration. Do you know what I mean? Oh, I believe it was Easter. I would like to give a... I'm sorry, I should have added that in. She did mention that, I'm sorry. I always like to give a profoundly violent child the benefit of the doubt.

Popey Joe. So there you go. You're OK by me. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We should probably discuss something that's in the news that isn't terrible, if there is anything. Well, we have various, I would say, friends of the show, and I think the Loch Ness Monster is one of them.

Ironically, probably one of the less monstrous figures that are friends of this show. But the Loch Ness Monster has been in the news again. I saw that. And I do wonder if it, are we okay with the monster part of the Loch Ness monster? Well, we don't really know if it is monstrous, if it's just a big creature that's in a loch. You have to assume when you are inhabiting that space of the mystery beast slash urban myth, there will always be a pejorative attached to your name.

Abominable snowman. I just wonder. This is how it goes. These are very sensitive times. We dropped the ninja from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I wonder if it's time to just start thinking that it might be the Loch Ness creature. I think monster, though, can be, you know, like monster mash. I think it can.

I know that is monster themed and wasn't a very good example, but it can be used as a big helping. Yeah. And this is a big helping of creature. Yeah. I don't think anyone's going to argue with that. Junk in the trunk, Loch Ness Monster I'll say

There's been a new photograph although obviously the sceptics are going to say but it's not that new, this photograph was taken a while ago but now the photographer Steve Chalice has only just brought it into the public domain

Is there an explanation for that, for the delay? Apparently didn't really take that much attention of the photograph and then during lockdown has been looking through old pictures. Lockdown, I like lockdown. He looks at his pictures of locks. He's a Loch Ness monster. He looks like Bob Down, Down maybe in a safari jacket well

it's an odd thing isn't it the odd thing about it is that not looking at your pictures is something that doesn't really happen I mean are we to imagine this guy, what's his name

Steve Chalice one of yours Steve Chalice. Steve Chalice. One of yours. Steve Chalice. Are we to imagine him in a dark room with like a clothesline with wet photographs on pegs hanging up or him just moving one around in a tray, a wet tray, and going, hey, hold on a minute.

Is that what's happening? I mean, he's in that kind of... They'd always use the tongs as well in the films, wouldn't they? And then you'd get the music swelling and then you'd see the image revealed in the plastic... Of course, the most famous one is what's known as the surgeon's photograph from 1934. Probably the picture we've all seen.

Yes. Oh, yes. And I read about that. And the surgeon who took that photograph was actually... What kind of surgeon was he? Well, he was actually a gynaecologist and not a surgeon at all. But in 1934, they couldn't think of any way of phrasing that in the paper that didn't make the Loch Ness monster seem guilty by association. They were still fine with calling it a monster, though.

Oh, they're all right with that, but they will not call... They call the gynaecology person a surgeon. Did he take the picture, the gynaecologist, did he take the picture of the one where he essentially looks like a brontosaurus? Yes. Yes. OK. Interesting. This theory is it was someone told me it was that if you examine it was examined very closely in the 60s or something and they believed it to be an elephant's trunk. And I thought, well, that's one of those explanations

that you can't just say, oh, well, that's that clear. Oh, those are water elephants that live in the highlands of Scotland. Oh, yeah, I know those. So we were discussing a relatively recent sighting of the Loch Ness monster, a creature inclined to keep a low profile. I think it's fair to say. I'd actually think it could perhaps be renamed the Loch Ness recluse. Yeah. What? to say I'd actually think it could perhaps be renamed the Loch Ness recluse yeah what um the old lot Loch Ness I respect you know I found monster I've been to Loch Ness it's very a couple

of times it's very beautiful place hmm is there I tell what I wish I'd checked. Is there CCTV at Loch Ness? Because you would think if there was CCTV anywhere in Britain, it ought to be there. That is a way of really clearing stuff up, isn't it? You're right. I'd love to, if anyone, any of our readers, now there might be people who live nearby, I'd love to know if there's CCTV at Loch Ness.

You can't text us today, by the way, but there's all the other methods. And security lights they need, don't they? So if it comes up above the surface, the lights come on. Some of those motion sensor ones, yeah. Yeah, preferably the light would be like a graph like a grid like graph paper so you could sort of get a good measurement maybe with a 50 pence piece in one corner yeah that's the problem see that i'd be i had a look at this current picture of the uh oh did you see the chalice picture

yeah and it's i mean is there you would imagine wouldn't you that there was some technical method for telling the size of something from a from a photo nowadays wow yeah okay no no try that um but um let me give you can i give you a par example in thunderbirds you'd get a major explosion or sometimes you get it in doctor who in doctor there's a better example because it's real life um it's not real life i know that i know it's not real life um but it's people and then in the old days on classic who they would use models if if say a building was going to get blown up and even though the models were brilliant there's something about flame small flame doesn't look like big flame do you know what i mean yes it's a different it doesn't have all the multiple tongues of of big flame. The complexity, yes. And also water.

Small water never looks like big water, no matter what you do with it. So that's the two things. And obviously when you're blowing up submarines and stuff like that, then those two things are going to crop up. I'll tell you something I'd like to... While we're on that, I'm sorry I'm going on, but I always used to go on about the fact in Thunderbirds

and maybe in Stingray as well, that you sometimes get a close-up of a control panel and a hand would come in and adjust the switch. And it always looked to me like it was a real hand with, like, a plastic glove on that someone, maybe Sylvia Anderson reaching in and then they cut that in, but I have no

evidence that that was that was the case and I'd love to know if anyone here maybe a member of, do you know what the name either of you know the name of the Gerry Anderson fan club? Oh please, please let me not know this. It's a good one now.

They're called Fanderson. Oh, come on. Oh, that's good. And if there's any Fanderson members, please tell me, did they really have a proper person with a plastic glove on reaching into the console in Gerry Anderson. Extremely specific question.

Next question for those people. When are you moving out of your family home? Oh, that's kind of stereotyping. Surely isn't allowed anymore. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about the recent sighting of the Loch Ness Monster, recent photo. So what do you make of the photograph, guys?

Is it convincing? I will just quote from the article I read. If real, the best picture ever of all the sightings. Yeah. I would gently suggest that If is doing a lot of work in that sentence for this article. Maybe.

I'll tell you what, it's a bit more purple than I expected it to be. It's also a bit more... I always thought green, yeah. It's a bit more self-evidently a fish than I expected it to be. Well, I think the idea is you've got one part of its back.

Oh, come on. Well, look, I'm just trying to give it the benefit of the doubt here. People are saying it might be a sturgeon. Oh, they always say that. Sturgeons, honestly, they get blamed for everything. Well, he did say Steve poisoned Chalice. He says, I have to say it is a very... He said, in my opinion, and I'm no expert,

I think it's a large fish. I mean, thanks Colombo, we'll take it from there. I think we can work out it's a large fish. Come on, Frank. There's been, look, I don't know Steve Chalice, and I'm betting he's a nice guy, but there's been suggestions inevitably that this was photoshopped.

Oh. Do you? Disgusted. No, I mean, to be fair, I think what started people suspicious Disgusted. Really disgusted. I mean, to be fair, I think what started people suspicious is in one of the pictures, it's got its arm around Prince Andrew. Yeah. No, I am very rubbish at spotting that.

To me, it looks like it could be Barney the dinosaur just going down. It's got that purple thing, but it could be a curved back. I know it's a bit fishy looking. I mean, fishy in the... When you say Photoshop, has Nessie been piling on the pounds a bit? Wants people to think he's got a small waist.

I don't think he's been... I don't think he's been airbrushed. Nessie is a monster. Now we're body shaming her yeah oh it's a her now is it oh is it a lady

oh um I don't know I don't know was there any I saw a well I heard a documentary

sort of discussion thing about Loch Ness Monster on on Radio 4 and they were talking about various and you know it could be obviously a sturgeon came up and an iguana don that's and one blokes and it's

in them Charles you've written a book with your own theory he said yes I believe that the Loch N ness monster is a ghost and i thought well you've got what you've done is you've over egged the myth you i mean we're trying to come we're trying to pull it this way into the into the reality you're pulling it even further out of our reach you fall it's like we're suspending a fair amount of disbelief as it is come on exactly but now doubtless has a fleece top and a ponytail of some description i'm well i couldn't ask he's on the radio he sounded like an older guy but apparently he wrote a whole book you know when people get a book published you think wow they got a book but they went to the they said here's my premise the Loch Ness Monster

is a ghost and they said yeah well what could you do 40,000 words or 400 no no I've already written

308,000 words I'll bring it in and that's okay so so it could be it's possible it could be a ghost our thoughts

are with its family. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. While we're on the subject of Nessie, I'd like to ask you both, what do you think, because there's a detail, and this is a common trope,'t it this people revelations on the deathbed and there is one story surrounding this which says that one of the hoaxes revealed on his deathbed that it was a hoax what I have to ask you is would you make a revelation that you've lied on your deathbed because presumably the last thing you're going to see is angry faces

and someone saying, liar, and that's it. So what do you feel about deathbed revelations? That question to Frank Skinner. I think if it's a Loch Ness Monster-based confession, more likely the response you're going to get As you slip away No, you don't sigh You're dying in a wave of sarcasm Do you really want to go there?

That sort of No, you didn't say that Well That's a possibility that none of us have ever considered, George. That or surely just disappointment from the people around you who are thinking, hang on, that's what you want to go out on, discussing the Loch Ness Monster. Exactly. That's what you might...

I mean, you might have the last thing you hear might be, oh, grow up. Oh, for God's sake, that's got to hurt. Yeah. When you're waiting to find out where he hid those gold coins that he had, and then he comes up with these stupid Loch Ness Monster things that no-one ever believed anyway. What a fool.

And it didn't have a Tam O'Shanter and a Tartan scarf on it. Yeah. Oh, I'm going to have to rethink my whole image of it the big reveal oh dear frank we've been uh we've had people getting in touch today regarding uh teddy bears because we've tweeted out a couple of um things we've had uh lucilleo. I love that. I love that name, Lucille. So do I. Lucille says, I can't even bite into a peach as the skin reminds me of a teddy bear. I have to cut it into quarters.

That's mouldy. You'll find that's mouldy. Don't bite into that. Is it a blue teddy bear you're thinking of? Smells really bad. Oh, wow. I can bite into a peach and then um a lovely lady called liver art says um i cried hysterically she's in agreement with you frank

i cried hysterically watching my old sofa go into recycling and i apologetically kiss and pat my kids' stuffed animals if they ever get too rough with them. There you go. I mean, I know on one level it's ludicrous, but like I say, I've found this week that it's very hard to separate them from some sort of anthropomorphic yearning. Absolute radio. Where real animals matter. And so do false ones what about that we've also had claire frank oh yeah who was you were talking about work you've come across that you did in your formative years claire says i bought an old diary from a car boot sale

thought it was just plain or empty on the tube open on the tube. Stole it from someone's open bag on the tube. But I'm just translating. Carry on. But got it home to discover a lady had written her diet in it from the 1960s. Wow. Which includes eating a lot of grapefruit, black coffee and dry toast.

Was it Twiggy? Twiggy's diary. Grapefruit. isn't it odd? I hadn't noticed but grapefruit now sounds so yesterday as a sort of a health food thing. I just have grapefruit for my, people used to put a glace cherry in the middle of it. And sometimes a tablespoon full of sugar. Glace cherry in the middle of it. And sometimes a tablespoon full of sugar. Exactly. Glace cherry is basically sugar.

I mean, what were they up to? Anyway, thank you so much for listening to us today. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, operate carefully.