The Frank Skinner Show - Madonna Mic

Episode Date: March 7, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Buzz has had an exciting experience at Spurs and Frank has had his Birthday outing. The team also discuss smelling salts, Apple's ban on villains and and they have Pete updates.

Hello, this is Frank Skinner. Look, I'm going back on the road again. I know, I know, with my show, uh, showbiz. I've finished the London thing and I just want to go back to the places that we didn't do on the national tour and places that sold out like super quick. Um, witnesses, that's what I'm after. Anyway, look, if you fancy coming to see me, I thought I'd let you know that there's a, there's a, you know, I've never typed in one of these in my life, but I'm going to do it for you. There's an address. It's www.absoluteradio.co.uk slash tickets.

It's like one of those proper things. And if you type that in, you'll see where I'm playing and when and all the possible details you could need. I'd love to see you. And who knows, you might even like to see me. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215. It's a key element of the show, in my opinion. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. When I say and,

I mean all. Yeah. Don't go mad. Yeah, don't over-communicate. We don't want the same message, or even a slight variation on the same message through three different media. I'm going to start off with, I tell you media. I'm going to start off with something that we haven't had for

ages on the show. If I can find the jingle. Keep talking. Go on. Do you like... What do you think of Alan and my sartorial choices today, Frank? Can you tell the readers what we've gone for? Alan has gone

for, I think, is that double denim? It is. Yeah, and he's also shaved his head very, very close to his skull. Oh, no, this is about a week after that, I think. Oh, come on. If you'd been here last week, we'd have seen all those little scars from school days. Yes. Where the compasses went in.

He's also doing a thing which I cannot pull off. Let me just put my spectacles on and check this. Yes, he's got his top button done up on his shirt, the very top button. If I do that, I look like... You know when people put herbs in a paper bag with the thing sticking out the top? I look like that.

I look like I've been... What's it called? An amuse-bouche? Yeah, I look like an amuse-bouche. That's what I look like. And been... What's it called? An amuse-bouche? Yeah, I look like an amuse-bouche. That's what I look like. And, Frank, mine... Oh, and Emily's also gone for denim, and it is a bit... If there was a skinhead movie on today...

Would I be your girlfriend? If there was a single longer skinhead escape, you two could turn up as, you know, people who join in in the audience. That'd be lovely. Not many radio shows start with a description of the participants. I like this. Frank is wearing a

burgundy sweater. Maroon. Well, I am in many ways. You're making it sound quite 1950s regional fashion show now. Anyway, listen. Oh, I haven't done these for a while. I haven't done one for ages. Smelling salts.

Do people still carry those? Don't know if they carry them. It's just my partner fainted a couple of weeks ago and I was watching a Patrick Troughton version of Doctor Who and he always whips out smelling salts. Does he? Because obviously there's people

dropping like flies in Doctor Who. Yes. Do people still use it? Would a doctor have it? You don't see them, the smelling salts because obviously there's people dropping like flies in Doctor Who. Yes. Do people still use it? Would a doctor have it? You don't see them, the smelling salts. What is it? Oh, you mean a doctor? Yeah. I thought you meant a doctor.

No, no, I mean I rather than me. Doctor! I haven't seen smelling salts. I used to see a lot in gay clubs. Did you? Apparently that wasn't smelling salts, I just had a message come through. No, but where have they gone? Good question. Okay, 12.15.

There's probably some new medicinal version. Yeah, but you never see anyone hold that thing under someone's nose to help them. When caffeine did that a couple of weeks ago, there was two medics there. Nobody reached for smelling salts. None of them. Can I say...

Yes? Oh, someone has pointed out, actually, it's not an Amuse-Bouche, it's a Bouquet Garni. Oh, well, he was very good in Tildef-Lestoupart. 780. The French version of Tildef-Lestoupart. Bouquet Garni. Bouquet Garnet. Bouquet Garnet.

Amuse-Bouche is the thing that they give you at a restaurant, isn't it? Before the dinner and they say, the chef would like you to have... Oh, that's right. I've got to say, all I... It's only pea-flavoured. The only reason I know Amuse Bouche is that there's a comedy club called the Amused Moose. And I didn't realise

for years that that was a play on words. In fact it was a Neither did I. It was an idiotic eureka moment for me. So we've got two old classics on the show this morning. Including me. Makes three. I'm loathe to not read you this email.

Don't be loathe. Is it 162 by any chance? No, it's a troll from Friday night's emails that come in, but I think it could be interesting. Morning all. Alan and Emily, if you could just talk amongst yourselves for a moment. Frank, how do

you feel about the 12 regeneration loophole get out? As a child we used to spend our pocket money on Doctor Who VHS from Woolworths. As a result I have some deep ingrained Who knowledge. I remember thinking as a child that the franchise would be limited to only

12 regenerations possible. This from a Syl Chester McCoy generation realising the programme had already hit its half-life. I admire the way the writers have acknowledged this fact, but I am curious as to how another interested party feels about it. I can't possibly ask my long-term partner if she may leave me. I can see that.

Well, that's because you haven't moved in with her and you're still at home. That's from John from Guildford. There's basically been what could be termed a major change in canon on Doctor Who. Has there? There's now a feeling that William Hartnell wasn't the first Doctor Who. There were loads of Doctor Whos before. Lots of women, lots of people of colour, all before Hartnell. Maybe it's the BBC's ways of saying,

Oh, we can get back to white men now after Jodie, because we've covered all that in that one episode. Yeah, I don't know, it was a shock. I'm still processing, I'll be honest. Oh. But, you know, because I'm Bill, Bill Hartnell is my doctor, so... This news just in,

before we go to a musical break, Frank, 162, my son, who is a powerlifter, uses smelling salts. Oh! Are you sure they're smelling salts? Is that for when he faints through having deadlifted? You can't use them. They're not really self-appliable, are they, smelling salts?

I'm just wondering, are they definitely smelling salts? Are they definitely smelling salts? I'm not casting aspersions. What you could do is you could have a medallion that was a sort of smelling salts bottle. So if you fell to the ground, it would break and you would be self-revived. Well, Ian Rolleston, who's an under-15s football manager, has smelling salts in his football bag just in case.

Oh, okay. Old school, I've always had it. Good lad. Does he come on and just put a bit of water on the injury like they used to in the old days? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What else have we heard from the outside world? You know the outside world. Well, it...

That place we're all frightened to go at the moment. You know, the outside world. That place we're all frightened to go at the moment. Is it time to bring up the thorny issue of Pete? Ah, no. If you didn't listen last week, I... And the cockerel wasn't here, in fact, Frank, so we should give him a refresher. OK, well, Gareth Richards was here last week and he was talking about a difficult neighbour that he had

who he didn't want to name, and I said, why not call them Pete because Pete periphery Pete I believe is a sort of minor character in Disney World but he used to be the horrible neighbour of Goofy and so

Landlord in fact I discovered his catchphrase is you ain't paid the rent I never knew that there was a Christmas one I saw when he was his catchphrase is, you ain't paid the rent. I never knew that. So much I didn't know. There was a Christmas one I saw when he was definitely the neighbour and he shoveled his snow onto Goofy's pathway. Unacceptable.

Yes, that's the point. Not very noble. That's the beauty of Pete. He does... He's bad. Yeah, exactly. He's one of the few genuine hostels in... I don't mean like a youth hostel.

I mean, he's a hostile environment in his own right. So Frank, I believe... So he cropped up and then I realised I didn't even know what animal Pete was. That's how periphery Pete is. We didn't know what animal and then Frank went on to express contempt for the very concept of Pete merchandise. Yeah, I thought, who would buy? Unless you were being wantonly...

Right, yeah. I believe your actual words, because I'll never forget them, were, imagine buying Pete merchandise. What a loser. Well, I don't know, I've never even seen... I've been to many, many Disney shops. Yeah.

I've been to Disneyland Paris twice, three times. I don't think I've ever seen any Pete merch. This isn't a humble brag, is it? This is just a full-on brag. Are you familiar with Pete, by the way? I'm not familiar with Pete, except by reputation this morning. He's a big, big cat. You'd like him. He looks like he might pump iron.

Oh, yeah, I like that. Do I? Obviously animated iron. So you've never seen Pete Murch, Frank? No. I've never seen Pete Murch either. Was that the one from Bauhaus? Very good. Robin Powell, one of our readers, has sent us a tweet saying,

I'm in Disneyland Paris. Is this Pete? Pete sighting. Okay. And she spotted, she enclosed a picture of Pete merchandise. It's a plastic figurine of him. I'm afraid, unfortunately, they have rendered the bulbous stomach, which is rather cruel. Yeah.

He's got a big tummy. Too many calories and not enough lifting. Too much ink. That's his trouble. He's got a big tummy. Too many calories and not enough lifting. George Inc. That's his trouble. So there are Pete fans. I got so obsessed by this, I decided to then... Can I ask a question on this subject? I thought there for a second you were going to say

that's in a Pete character. You know those people that walk around? That would be a lousy job. Because you would be it's like, I remember once turning up at a fancy restaurant and there were paparazzi outside and the cameras were flashing as

I arrived, some woman and then when I arrived they just they were all checking their picture they let me go by and I said, well who was that woman? They said she was third in Britain's Next Top Model. And I thought, oh. Oh.

So that's what it would be like being a Pete character. Pete, I ended up watching a video called The Evolution of Pete. Really? I know. Writers will do anything, as you know,

to avoid writing. You're sure it wasn't about fossil fuels? Frank, all I'll say is it's 18 minutes of my life I clearly won't ever get back. 18-minute documentary. 18 minutes.

I went in and I thought it would be three. I'd have thought a lot of the Disney organisation didn't even believe in evolution. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Pete? We were discussing Pete's Disney Pete.

Disney Pete. You watched an 18-minute documentary. I'm not. I have so many questions about this. Especially it. Did it clarify what creature Pete is? Yes. I mean, it was actually called, as I say,

The Evolution of Pete. Oh, right. It was an origin story. Okay. Like Joker. Okay. When you say like Joker, it wasn't as dark,

but I found there's so many gaps in my knowledge about Pete. I think there are comparisons, though, because Pete is villainous in many ways. Villainous, but I felt much like Joker. I felt empathy for the character. That's nice. Complex empathy. Yeah. Complex empathy.

Yeah. Because, for a start, did you know Pete? He's the oldest continuous-running Disney character. No idea for that. Oh, and probably the least well-known. This is what I mean, Frank. He's a bit first wife, isn't he? Mm-hm.

Oh, no. You know when celebrities, and you find out that they had a... Oh, no, didn't quite work out. This is the problem, Pete. Or first manager is another one as well. Pete, 1925. So Pete preceded Mickey Mouse, or even Mortimer Mouse. He preceded Mickey Mouse. Pete was in Steamboat Willie, remember, lest we forget. That is just talk.

Mouse. Pete was in Steamboat Willie, remember? Lest we forget. That is just talk! Okay. So, Pete is currently still alive at 95. Oh, wow. He's the oldest. Pete's voice was first, the first person to ever do Pete's

voice. Can you guess who it was? I mean, Walt Disney. Yes! Okay. I think he did them all in those days. No, they had to change it after the first one. It didn't work. Is that right? We had to go with it. I heard it.

Trying to save money, Walt. I even heard it was something like, you want to get bit? It wasn't good. You should have got me into my Wild West old timer. Oh, yeah, you're good at this, guys. We are what you guys doing. Yeah?

Pete, as we've established, I mean, there was a lot of... Can I say the whole show is not about Pete? No, it's not. I will wrap this guy. What you guys doing? Pete, as we've established, I mean, there was a lot of... Can I say the whole show's not about Pete? No, it's not. I will wrap this up. I do apologise. Well, don't say it too soon. It might be. Only if there's breaking news. I'm just saying. This is like, you know when you think, okay, it's a big

virus, but can we have some other news now? You know what I'm thinking that on the news? Oh, do you think we should stop talking about it? Well, that's pete is there any is there any other killer facts because the fact that he was the original yes is that big well what animal is he well this is a debate because what it's a debate even by because pete was a hybrid pete essentially filled the villainous shoes. Pete is who you want him to be. We all impose ourselves on Pete. Oh, that's a big grant for Disney, isn't it? Yes. Psychological. It really is. Pete is whoever you want him to be. He changes according to the story.

He can be irate landlord. He's often irate landlord, let's be honest. I've seen him as Cheshire Cat. Have you? But is he a cat? Well, no. Pete started as a man. He changed. He's been a cat, a bear. He's regenerated. He's the hybrid. There's a character in Doctor Who called the hybrid. What if Pete isn't?

This has gone too far. I apologise to all of you. We'll start again. The final thing I'd like to say about Pete, Frank. Pete started life with two teeth, and then he got a full Cheshire Cat set, and then he went back to two. Did he? Richard III, I think, started life with teeth.

Was born with teeth. Oh, right, yeah, that happens. Yeah. My kingdom for a horse! Yeah. Well, thanks. Thanks. That's great

info on Pete. Now we're going to start on that cow. There's a cow in it. I don't even know the name of the cow. I don't know the cow. An animated cow. I'd say it's possibly even lower down the rankings than Pete. That's Periphery Pete.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had a bit of an experience this week. Well, my son, you know I have a seven-year-old son, some of you will know out there. And this week he had a pretty unique experience, which I shared, in that he was the mascot for Tottenham Hotspur really? against

Wolverhampton Wanderers yeah I've took him now to two Tottenham Hotspur versus Wolverhampton Wanderers games thinking well in a way of coping with the tragedy of my son supporting a team

that isn't West Brom. I'll take him to see his team playing against our rivals and then at least I'll have the pleasure of them losing. On both occasions, Wolves have won. Oh, dear. They've failed terribly. But, yeah, there's 11 mascots for the day. Right.

And you meet in a mascot room, three hours before the kick-off. They play Jenga. Do they? Yeah. They play Jenga. Tottenham Hotspur branded Jenga they play together. Can I just ask, is your role the mascot chaperone?

Yes, I am the chaperon. Lovely. Are you not mascotascot Dad? Presumably. I've never got a cool mascot, Dad. Because it might not be the dad. I own a letter. I own a letter written on a manual typewriter.

Remember a manual typewriter, the philosopher? Yeah. On a manual typewriter, and blue ink on headed West Bromwich Albion notepaper and it says dear Mrs Collins that was my mum's name so dear Mrs Collins we're sorry but your son really does sound like a loyal West Brom supporter but we don't have mascots at West Brom so I'm afraid he cannot be a mascot but thank I hope you'll continue to support us. And it's signed by the manager, Alan Asherman. Really?

Yeah. And I've got that. So I never made it as a mascot. Let's face it, it's too late for me now. Can you imagine if I went out as a mascot? Hey, it could happen. Well. Yeah?

Just writing a letter to Make-A-Wish Foundation or something. No, because I say ageism is the least practised. What would you wear? Instead of the shorts, would you wear the trousers with the elasticated waist? I'd go for those, Frank. The ones in the Sunday supplement that we like. The only way they could get away with it

is if I went out, say, in the kit from 1967, of when I first went, so it was like they were accompanied by the past in some way. I think that might work. But I don't think I'd be taken seriously as a mascot. I have to accept that. The same things happened to me with being an orphan. Yeah.

There's an age where you don't get the sympathy for being an orphan. Doesn't count, you're right. Now you tell me. I think I could have clawed back some of the, all those advantages of being a rich, middle-aged white male that I've now lost. I could have gone and played my orphan card. But no, they weren't happy.

Anyway, it was brilliant. It was really properly exciting day I lost the chaperone competition when the kids go off the kids go off to get all their things signed by the players

that's nice I've got to tell you I mean this is a bit cheesy but when boss came back with a Tottenham shirt covered in autographs the look on tell you, I mean this is a bit cheesy, but when Boss came back with a Tottenham shirt covered in autographs, the look on his face was, I mean, I mean, it was... Anyway, so they have a competition of who's come the furthest. Which of the parents have come the furthest for the day? And you were just down the road.

I was 7.3 miles. So I lost. The man who won down the road. I was 7.3 miles. Right. So I lost. The man who won had come from San Francisco. Yeah. Yeah, there was two from America. Wow.

I mean, people travel. I like that they reward you for being the furthest away. I mean, they used to laugh at you. What would Greta think? Well, it's a way to come for that. So he was holding hands with, holding hands, I know,

with Tanganga. Right. I don't know if you know Tanganga, the defender. I don't. So that was the moment. But here's a question for you then. Yeah, how do they decide

which mascot holds hands with which player on the day? Oh, you don't want us to guess? It's called the cliffhanger. Yeah. OK. Because imagine if Harry Kane had been playing, which he wasn't. It's just going to get squabbly.

Yeah. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I was in a gentleman's toilet. Were you? Yeah. Old-fashioned. Hampstead?

It was in Hampstead. It was at Wagamama. Oh, okay. And a man came in wearing fingerless gloves. Market trader? No, I think he might have been a Wagamama Delivery Man. You see, it's interesting you went Market Trader. I would have gone more Cure Fan.

Each to their own. I would have gone Albert Stetter. Yes. Don't leave me, Aaron. Summers up all our decades. I'll do, I'll do, I'll do. I mean, first of all, well, anyway, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you. I mean, first of all, well, anyway, I'll tell you what happened first.

So he went to the urinal, keeping his gloves on. Oh, yeah. Yeah, his fingerless gloves. And then he very delicately washed his hands, still with the gloves on. Fingertips only. Just the finger ends.

Makes sense. He actually washed that. There's a lot of logic to this. I'm worried there's going to be about an eighth of an inch between glove and... Yes. This never gets washed. Yeah. That's sort of a no man's land.

He's going to have the fingerless glove turn. He's going to have the fingerless glove turn. And then I thought, I don't really understand what they're... They're sort of shorts for the hands. They are. Fingerless gloves. That's not to understand. Yeah. Yeah, but what gets me, shorts for the hands make sense,

except that shorts for the legs you don't wear in winter normally. Oh. Whereas shorts for the hands and fingers, you don't wear it in summer. Oh. Whereas shorts for the hands and fingers, you don't wear it in summer. I mean, what's going on? What's going on? Well, traditionally... This could be a new feature.

Frank wonders what's going on. New feature. Yeah. New Channel 5 show. But who on earth... Get that commissioned. I think they are. I think they probably were originally invented for people

who were doing a delicate work, like handling change. Needle work. Yeah, needle work. Good shout. I think market trader is. I mean, they do. I was thinking of EastEnders. Was it Pete?

Oh, yes. Can you watch my store for five minutes? I've got to go and chop the end off these gloves. That sort of stuff. Yeah, well, you see, I've got to go and chop the end off these gloves, that sort of stuff. Yeah, well, it used to be I've got to go and kill two East End underworld criminal people. Can you watch my store? And then...

Yeah, but, you know, dying around after you've killed them, I haven't gone all day. I always called them steptoe gloves. Did you? Because old man steptoe in the popular 70s sitcom, Steptoe and Son, always called them steptoe gloves. Did you? Because old man steptoe in the popular 70s sitcom, Steptoe and Son, always wore them. And then I started thinking about there are things which I still call by the first person I saw doing it.

So do you know what I mean by a Madonna microphone? Yes. In fact, I think the whole industry still calls that a Madonna mic. Do they still call that? The one that comes around, the younger people here are looking at me confused. Can I tell you, the younger people will call that a Britney. Do you wonder? Yeah, they just pointed and then you went, I think they call it a microphone.

Yes. No, they call it a, no, they were confirmed. Do they even remember Britney? I've called it a Madonna mic to technicians and they've nodded as if they know what I'm talking about. What about a Scooby-Doo sandwich? You know what that is? A sandwich that is slightly taller

than the full extent of your gaping mouth. That's a good shout. Oh, yes. If you've got any things which you can think of, which is like a uh-uh, uh, a, a, a, a. Yeah. Yeah. Then do you know what I mean by an a, a, a, a, a? Like, like a Madonna microphone. Let us know. I think there must be a lot of these things kicking around.

Have we got an answer for my last, what was my last question? Do you remember? Which one? Regarding the tunnel, regarding the... No, I asked... What? I don't know. What? We'll find it out. Oh yeah, how do you decide

which mascot holds hands with which footballer? Oh yes, no one has, I'm afraid, we don't have any news regarding that. Well I can tell you, it's done, just to avoid any arguments, they do it in order of height. So the smallest child goes out with the captain,

the second smallest goes out with the player, so there's no debate. Great. That's a lovely way of doing it. And also they come in like a lovely flight of stairs. Yeah.

They're 70. And if you've got the right angle of the photo, you could get all 11 mascots on one head-on shot. There's 70. And if you got the right angle of the photo you could get all 11 mascots on one head-on shot. That's nice. That would look great

if you could work that out. I think the players should be made to come out in that order as well. Height shame. Or maybe tallest first a sense of some disappointment

as we get to the shorter play. I think everyone in life should have to do that. I'd have to come in. Yeah, Miss World. What other long-term queuing things are there when people come out in the light? It'd be good for me, tallest. It'd be good for me to queue.

Usual suspects, those things. Yes. Identity parades. Yeah. I mean, this could change the world. That's quite Madonna mics. You see, I call the identity parade the usual suspects. Ah, there you go, there you go.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. So, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

So, they're talking about banning 70-year-olds from Premier League games. Roy Hodgson, 81215. So, um... You set up what I would call a text-in. Yes. Where you were discussing the Madonna mic, like the first time you see that microphone,

you then call it a Madonna mic. To me, it'll always be a Madonna mic. Yeah. It's me too. So you were after other things that people were thinking of, the da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Step-toe gloves. Steptoe gloves, Madonna Mike.

187, a good shout. Something I call the name of the first person I see with it is MC Hammer trousers. Lovely. Which are the Horeen pants. Voluminous. Yeah. The Horeen pant will always be the MC Hammer.

That's quite right, MC Hammer trousers. They continue the big baggy numbers. My nan was wearing trousers once and I said, I see you've got MC Hammer trousers on. She had no idea what I meant. And he knew she wouldn't. He knew she wouldn't. Cabbie D.

I think also, sometimes, I mean, this is possibly slightly confusing it with the chair, but I would say the Kevin Keegan perm. I mean, if people possibly slightly confusing it with the chair, but I would say the Kevin Keegan perm. I mean, if people refer to a permed hairstyle... Now, Kevin Keegan hasn't had a perm for several decades. No, I see. I wonder if I say Lenny Bennett. But Kevin Keegan, you're right, is the more common. You know the millennial readers of this show are going to have to do some Goog now well i hope they should know who kevin keegan is um i uh i i have been

re-watching uh seinfeld from the beginning with my son on now you're gonna be saying oh it's like that episode of seinfeld when quite the opposite kramer the eccentric neighbor character was one day wearing a sheepskin coat and i thought oh he's got a John Motsen coat on. Oh, yeah, that's one. Yeah, definitely. I mean, when I used to wear a sheepskin coat, the amount of people that said that's a John Motsen coat. Yeah.

Apparently, I've heard it's so... People actually shouted at sheep. That's how much it prevails, the John Motsen coat. No, it's... That's a good one. Yeah. John Motsen coat. Lovely.

Lovely outfit. Aw. Beautiful. Two 7.5, two sartorial ones for you, the Harry Hill collar and the Nelson Mandela shirt. Oh, yes. I believe this is technically called a Mediva shirt. Who knew?

I didn't know that. I didn't know. It's a Versace shirt, isn't it? But it might be based on a traditional African design. You tell them. Yeah, I know. But I just want to give the late Gianni, you know, his proper, Frank. The late Gianni Versace. Oh, yeah, Gianni. He reinterpreted. I like that you Birmingham, his proper's Frank. The late who? The late Johnny Versace.

Oh, yeah, Johnny. He reinterpreted, I like that you Birminghamed him off a bit. Oh, yeah, Johnny. I thought you said the late Johnny. I thought, who's that then? The Johnny Versace. Johnny Mandela. You see, that's, it was the strange part of the Venn diagram

where Noel Edmonds overlapped with Nelson Mandela. Did he? The Versace shirt. Oh, I thought it was that Winnie Mandela rumour. We'll move on. Cosmic ordering? I didn't know whether... I don't know whether Nelson...

He didn't strike me as a cosmic orderer. No, he knew that you have to make things happen yourself. If anyone knew, it was Nelson Mandela. Whereas, because I think the Noel Edmonds things happened to him

based almost tightly on Locke, he came to be seen at Cosmic Ordering. He just said, I'll have that please, and it'll come. Is it working now? What's he asking for? Well, he's asking for the hair to stay the same colour, which it has. The lion hair and the mane.

He's the most I am going to be recognised for the rest of my life if it kills me. But God bless him, he's a great broadcaster. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Bless him, he's a great broadcaster. Frank, we had an outing, didn't we? We did, yes. We went, I loved it. It was part of my birthday celebration. Al couldn't make it because he lives in Manchester, which is fair enough.

It's a jaunt. It was half term as well. Oh, well. I'm not saying I'm a legendary dad, but at least I was there. I think you're a legendary dad. Anyway, we went to an exhibition in Covent Garden.

Yes. An exhibition called James Bond in Motion. La, la, la, la, la. James Bond in Motion. La, la, la, la, la, la. James Bond. Why don't they have, la, la, la, la, James Bond. Why don't they have that as their thing? Oh, anyway.

You come up with so many good ideas for other people's projects. I know, and you know what? I don't mind them just having it. I don't mind them having it. Sometimes they just do have it, don't they? I wouldn't be surprised if they had a wine and cheese evening if they couldn't get Boney M to go in and do it live. Probably.

You know. and cheese evening if they couldn't get Boney M to go in and do it live. Probably. So we met Meg Simmons. Guess what her job is, Al? She's lovely. Bond in motion historian. Well, you've basically got it. She is

the James Bond archivist. So she works for Eon who make the movies. Right. And she knows a lot about... I'll tell you what I love about her. Yeah, I gathered that already. She was such a company woman, Meg.

Right. She had a lovely belly. I referred to something that happened in Never Say Never Again, which was a sort of rogue movie that wasn't made by Eon, and she said, oh, I don't rogue movie that wasn't made by Eon. And she said, oh, I don't know anything about that one. Wow. Yes.

Deliberately. That's great. You'd think someone who knew loads about Bond being a completist would have thought, well, obviously I'll watch that and read about it. But no, no. I don't have anything to do with that. Didn't happen.

It was a special, I mean, it was Frank's special day. Yeah. It was great. So what I liked was the special, I mean, it was Frank's special day. Yeah. It was great. So what I liked was the lighting, Frank. It was a very forgiving lighting. It was lovely in there. Oh, really?

Well, we got to go around a bit early. Yeah, we went, we got, are we allowed to say this? Yes, we are. We got a bit of special treatment. So we went in, because it was my birthday after all. So we went in an hour before the exhibition started. So there's like, you know, things like Oddjob's car. Remember Oddjob?

Yeah. He was the guy with the razor sharp bowler hat. Yes. And loads of stuff like that. Cubby Broccoli's roller. Yeah. Brilliant. And just loads of stuff. Roger Moore's naval suit, Frank. Loads of stuff. Yeah. Loads of stuff like that. Cubby Broccoli's roller. Yeah. Brilliant. And just loads of stuff.

Roger Moore's naval suit, Frank. Loads of stuff, yeah. Loads of stuff. No, Roger Moore's naval fluff. What about when we heard, which again, I think we're allowed to say, Frank, she said, Roger liked to take his clothes home with him. He liked to keep, didn't he, the clothes? Yeah, like John Pertwee.

Oh, did he like to keep an outfit? John Pertwee, apparently. Sorry, I've gone a bit Doctor Who this morning, but John Pertwee, they'd have two, one for the stuntman and one for him. And he used to say to the stuntman, wear this one, be careful with it, be careful. Because he'd got one held back.

So they wore the same ones, and then John Pertwee went home with all these fabulous velvet jackets. Lovely. Tremendous. But we should put a picture on the socials of Frank. You got to hold something rather special. Oh, I did. Broadcastable.

Yeah, it's all right. I had fingerless gloves on. Oh, excellent. No, I got to hold hold I'll give you a clue Well, I think we should keep them on the centre Can I just give them a clue? Mine's going to be racing

during this song When you held it I've never seen Okay, yes Clue, clue, clue The light was catching me That was what was amazing I've never seen anything like it

No, and it could have gone off at any second. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We left you on a cliffhanger. Oh yeah. So I held,

this is the clue, he's got a powerful weapon No, you never. He charges a million So I held, this is the clue, he's got a powerful weapon. No, you never. He charges a million. I held Lulu. No, I didn't. I held the golden gun. Wow.

He was the man with the golden gun. And do you know, he really entered into the spirit of it. He held it. He did the exact pose, Frank. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah. We found out all sorts of amazing stuff. The gun that you often see on the early pose, Frank. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah. We found out all sorts of amazing stuff. Like the gun that you often see on the early James Bond posters

is, it's a, what is it, a PPK thingy. I'm not very good on guns. Yes, I know. I mean, Bond specialists I'd be nervous about. But it's actually the air gun version of it because it's got a longer... Nozzle. Longer thing, and that looks a bit more impressive on the poster.

Barrel. Barrel. It's actually holding an air gun. Oh, wow. Yeah. Walt R. P. P. K., I think it is, isn't it? Yeah. Walt R. P. P. K.

sounds like he could be related to Will. I. Am. Yes. Yeah. So we learnt loads of stuff. I also took photos of loads of stuff. I took a photo of one of Daniel Craig's suits from the new film, and even though it wasn't on a Daniel Craig, you could tell it was Daniel Craig, because of his slightly simian...

To paraphrase the late Marquis Smith, it contained the essence of Craig. It did. Did it? It did did maybe we'll put that picture on because the suit you can't see the suit without seeing Daniel Craig in it oh I don't know oh I do

Tom Ford that would have been my 8th guess probably so we served a bit of time there we were talking so I tri we served a bit of time there. We were talking. So I tripped out a lot of my Doctor Who trivia to make. She was quite impressed, I thought. To impress the professor.

Well, things like I used to have a James Bond suitcase with loads of, you know, the gond assembled. It was a Natasha case. It was a bit of a Natasha, bless you. Dangerous nowadays. Did your mum make some of the, because I know your mum was a fan of making you a bespoke action man. I think she did, from a sort of leather fabric that my dad, my dad used to work at Rover,

so he used to bring back some of the upholstery fabric. Oh, yeah. I think she might have made me a shoulder holster from that. That's good. Now you've come to mention it, yeah. I still wear it sometimes when I go out with a firearm. Can't be too careful. What I used to call, well, there's doll's leather.

There was a specific kind of leather. I remember I had the Fonzie doll with a doll leather jacket. Well, I collected these James Bond bubblegum cards when I was a kid. Black and white they were. And this was early days. This was like Russia, from Russia with Love was like the latest.

No, no, Goldfinger had just come out. Right. So I collected these cards. I'm going to be straight with you. This would have been 60s. They got lots of like, you know, bikini clad models and quite a lot this is kids bubblegum cards

and then god damn it they did an article about it on something like the Braden Beat one of these consumer programmes about these disgusting cards that were going to children they got like you know you know Pussy Galore the character

there was lots of names like that there was Plenty O'Toole Like, you know, Pussy Galore, the character. There was lots of names like that. There was Plenty O'Toole. There was, wasn't there? And, of course, Roger Moore. Of course. And they... So my mum and dad, after it had been exposed on the telly

as these disgusting cards, my mum and dad had a bit of a conference i heard it they were saying he collects those cards what we're going to do about so my mum said uh oh can i have a look at your uh james bond like really like i didn't know what was going on and she looked at these cards she's going oh oh yes oh and then she said to me uh what's your favorite one and i thought i know it I know, it's a trap. It's a trap. Did you know?

Yeah. So I picked a picture of, you know, James Bond. She said, that's a nice one. What's your favourite one with a lady on it? And I thought, no. I'm not falling for that. I'm not falling for it. I went on a Blackman polo neck jumper.

Right? Two on that Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio when you were the Bond

Museum thing and I I love it when you do these things off timetable when the general public can't get in that's brilliant

I actually I can't shake the idea of you being like Alan Partridge going around that Dixon's just opening tape decks. But yeah, did you see any ejector seat action? Was there any of that sort of thing? Well, they had the Corgi car. Cool.

That's the Aston Martin DB5, I think, which had got... The most I've ever heard you talk about cars ever. You know, it's the one time in his life when he becomes a bit of a car... Yeah. One of those car people. Yeah, well, there's not that many distinctive cars in Doctor Who. There's Bessie, which was John Pertwee's... Oh, that sounds nice.

They travelled by other methods, didn't they, in Doctor Who? That sounds like one of the... It wouldn't have worked if they went everywhere by car. Can I just say... Get that A to Z out. Also, Bessie doesn't sound much of a sort of ladies' wagon. Like, yeah, just take Bessie... Does it sound like Kit?

No, it was a bright yellow sort of vintage car, you know. Sort of magnificent men in their flying machines. It's had that feel to it. Yeah, so I've still got the original Corgi car, James Bond DB5. And the first thing that Meg asked me is, have you still got the figure? Because people used to lose...

That's what she asked me. I said, mind your own business. I know, that was a bit harsh. I shouldn't have said that to you. She, er... I thought you stuck together, you lot. Exactly. She, what people used to do, they used to eject, like, the bad guy. It was a little tiny figure holding a gun.

Yes. And then they'd lose it. Yes. But I've still got mine. Have you? That's the kind. I was a very lonely child, so it was very easy for me to... I could have done with those ejector seats. Keep things. That's what you need for's the kind. I was a very lonely child, so it was very easy for me to... I could have done with those ejector seats.

Keep things. I mean, that's what you need for a bad date. Across both sexes, can I say? Yes. If you just want to get out. You know, sometimes you just want to get out. This is a great idea. No questions asked.

Because you don't want to go into an explanation with someone you don't know. Oh, I thought you meant to fire someone out. Oh, I thought you meant that. Yeah, I do. Yeah, oh good. You don't want to go into an explanation, so if it's not working, just press the button. Can you imagine that?

It's really assertive. I love it, because there's no need. It's like everyone understands that is the rule. If at any point, it's like on Graham Norton, they have the chair. Yeah, yeah. It's the same principle. I'll tell you what worries me now.

From a perspective of asking myself what kind of person I am, when you said that, my first thought was, oh, how do you get the seat back? Yes, exactly. You fire them out and then go back for the chair It's having to go over

why they're still unconscious and undo the safety belt to empty them out. Yeah. As if that wasn't Alan's first concern. That wouldn't work at all. Can I just mention briefly at this juncture, just so the readers

know, we are appreciative of their lovely contributions, Frank. You have a few balls. You've got some plates in the air haven't you plates in the air, balls in the air, plates spinning Billy's mullet he's come up with a

Madonna microphone example, the Benny from Crossroads hat Alan the cabbie the Starsky jumper oh yes someone else texted Starsky Starsky and Hutch cardigan I'm actually wearing some trainers today that are often thought of

as Starsky and Hutch trainers I'll check those out during the music yeah well I'll walk around a bit do what I can someone sent in, you'll be able to say who don't let me put you on the spot though, because we can do it after they had Pete from who, don't let me put you on the spot though, because we can do it after,

they had a piece of Pete merchandise with Pete as Boba Fett. Yes. Now that is the Disney organisation at its most cynical, because they're saying Boba Fett, the most periphery Star Wars regular, and Pete, they sort of... It's so obvious. Pete's not going to be Luke Skywalker, is he?

No, he's so Boba Fett. Well, Trevor Dudbridge sent that in, Frank. And what I like is he's gone to the trouble of sending With Helmet, Without Helmet for Boba Fett. I would say the whole item has got collector's item written all over it. He's just called it My Pete Merch.

Yeah. It's like My Sweet Lord. Boba Pete. It's item written all over it. He's just called it My Pete Merch. Yeah. It's like My Sweet Lord. Bobber Pete. It's great. It's perfect. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. We were discussing John Motsen's sheepskin coat earlier, and 596 has raised the point. It's arguable that John Motsen would say he was wearing an Eddie Waring jacket Yeah, see I that's not how I think of Eddie Waring, everything's arguable

yeah, everything Eddie Waring was a rugby league commentator who I don't associate with I mean, you know, Motsen, he's made it his own. He still wears it.

What about 009? It's a lot easier to just wear the same coat than have to go through all the Noel Edmund dying and retaining the same beard. Just wear the same coat. Very easy. Do you want to hear about what 009 has to say? 009? He's been in touch. James Bond's next door neighbour.

Yes. So does that mean he's... Well, if he's a 009, he's definitely killed twice. Yeah. I think you have to be... Oh, no, you just have to be 00, don't you? Oh, do you?

To be licensed to kill. Yeah. Go on. He says, when I see people with their collar turned up, I call it the Cantona collar. Ah, yes. Yeah. And on. He says, when I see people with their collar turned up, I call it the Cantona collar. Ah, yes. Yeah.

And that's Tom. I think that's a good shout. See, I think of that as the Elvis collar. It's all about age. And you know where I go? Fonzie. OK. Oh.

Hey. Fonzie. Oh, Fonzie. Brilliant. What about my Fonzie doll and you'd press something at the back and he'd say and he'd raise his little thumbs a lot Oh that's nice

Oh I love that I remember you condemning me on here for calling the actor Henry Winkler Sorry I think my reaction was more like this Winkler Henry Winkler, yeah. Surely, is how you say his name.

I'd forgotten about that. It's Winkler. It makes my Deskarts not seem as bad, doesn't it? I thought you were saying it makes my Deskarts, as in it makes my day. It makes my Deskarts. Yeah. That'd be a good thing, wouldn't it?

It makes my day, Scott, would be a great thing for philosophers to say to each other. Do you know what? If I was a philosopher... I disturbed the show today because one of my Oxford philosophy... I got this Oxford philosophy app that sends me alerts with philosophical terms. That's nice. And I forgot to switch it off. You see, you should do a podcast with philosophers called Make My Day's Cards.

That's a good idea. Well, Make My Day Card. Yeah, I know. I'm being cruel to you now, but Make My Day Card. Yeah, I think you could do that. Frank, Karen has been in touch. Can? Karen.

I do apologise. The German. I was going to say Kraut, Rob, Karen has been in touch. Karen? Karen. I do apologise. The German... I was going to say Crote Rock, but can we still say Crote Rock? No. OK. Karen, I do apologise. Hi, guys. Is this one of the most well-known Madonna microphone items,

Deirdre Barlow glasses? Oh, yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much. Also, of course, let's's be fair Deidre Rashid let's not forget that is that her married name I think she had a few

they all got married twelve times she had a few I remember that when regrets when Roy

Cropper married Hayley yes I remember the thing was it was the first sort of transgender wedding, soap opera wedding, yeah woke opera, woke opera, soap opera

woke opera yeah and it was the first one of those but the Guardian said yeah that that okay it's a big deal you know that a transgender person got married on on a soap opera they said but if it was being covered by the Weatherfield Gazette, they might be more interested in the fact that there was eight women in the audience whose husbands had died as a

result of violent crime. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, this is the... Do I say this is the Frank Skinner show? I think you do, yeah. It's the Frank Skinner show, love.

This is the Frank Skinner show with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Do I mention me being on it? You usually say this is Frank Skinner. OK. OK. But everyone knows it's Bad Pussy's show. Yeah, you can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I've got the giggles. I just looked at my Apple Music. Oh, yes. And I looked at the last thing I was playing on here. And? It was... Would you care to share?

I think I'm going to... Am I allowed to play on the... The producer's nodding. Producer. He knows her music. It was... Oh, I'm not... Oh, am I on play?

Oh! Suspenseful. It's suspenseful. It is. It's actually The Sea Devils by Malcolm Clarke. What is it? Is it... It's incidental music from 1970s Doctor Who. Of course it is. You all right with that?

Can I just ask a question? And I'm honestly not judging you. No, good. I'm honestly not. But would you listen to that in headphones walking down the street? Or in what context would you listen to it? I think I'd be scared. No, no, no!

I don't know if I'd listen. I certainly listen to it while I'm you know doing stuff around the house and things really the house yeah that's nice for Kath

yeah she likes a bit of synth actually she does like a synth Kath yeah who's her favourite musician I can't remember but there's

oh Rick Schnauz oh yes she's a craft work fan as well yes oh help me or so we were talking about

help me all that's like when somebody complains that someone's tired you go yeah we're all tired love Alan said that to me once I said I'm just a bit tired he went

we're all tired dear so listen we were talking about um not we were we were talking about James Bond yes

we had a few plates we had Deirdre Langton's first name. Oh, yeah, somebody has sent you a Crack Shioni. 621. 621. Never forget, she was Deidre Langton originally. But she wasn't Deidre Langton.

She married Ray Langton. That's how she became Deidre Langton. So we're now into the Crack Shioni being Crack Shioni. Deidre's maiden name. I don't know. Yeah, so we're on about Deidre's maiden name. Okay. Well, maybe you can link it to...

It'll come to me. Tracy. Oh, lovely work. Oh, yeah. Hateful, but alluring. I mean, that's... So many things come under that category. Yes, yes.

My next memoir. Yeah. that so many things come under that category yes yes my next uh memoir yeah um yeah i used to i used to be mad about coronation street no right through the early days right up to you did i remember one of my first proper sort of formal social conversations with you i think we were discussing soaps and then shortly, shortly after that, the Christmas tree formation. Oh, yes. It was peak skinhead. We said we'd keep that to ourselves. Sorry, Bond.

So, yes, it turns out that Daniel Craig was, so it said in the paper, I'm not casting aspersions, that he was offered a lot of money to use a Samsung, I think it was. I heard about this. In a Bond film.

And he said it wasn't good enough for 007. Yeah. The bit I didn't understand is, was that money offered to Daniel Craig himself? Well, that's what I didn't understand is, was that money offered to Daniel Craig himself? Well, that's what I don't understand. Because does he get to say what phone he uses? Yeah, he does, actually. I have Intel.

Oh, yeah. Evolution of Pete's doll. I haven't watched an 18-minute video on this. You just talked to my cleaner, my ex-cleaner who went to Daniel Craig. You should have all the information. I believe they did compromise in the end, and they did end up showing, I think he sends a phone bond to Moneypenny. Oh, OK.

Good enough for the ladies. He sends it to Moneypenny and she opens it. There's no branding, but we know it's a Samsung. I think he was offered five million personally, which he turned down. What? What? You can confirm from your clean...

What? If they offered me that to smoke woodbine on there, I would do. I mean, when I was on Coronation Street, I don't remember being asked, what would you like your character to be? No, but he's a powerful... I remember when... It on Coronation Street I don't remember being asked what would you like your character to do No but he's a powerful

I remember when I always sticks in my memory he was interviewed on I think it was on Graham Norton about Quantum of Solace when it was just about

to come out Oh yes and he said well I've actually been quite involved in this one I've had involvement with the script and all that

and I thought Yeah Frank come We should say it Yeah It Yeah. He sounds meddlesome. We should say it. He didn't win any meddlesomes for that. Honestly, on his time, I actually lost my way. You know when you're watching a film,

you think, oh, I don't understand what's going on. It's a very complex plot. And you think, I'm a bit lost here. That happened to me in The Chase at the beginning of Quantum Soul. I thought, wasn't he? Is he still? That happens to me in The Chase with Bradley Walsh.

You got well. There you go. I mean, what's going on? I don't understand what they do, these people. Why do they, how does it work? Bradley Walsh due to become the new Pa Larkin. Yes. Apparently.

Well, hasn't he got Doctor Who commitments? No, well, they say he's going. Well, he's going to become the new Paul Larkin. Yes. Apparently. Well, hasn't he got Doctor Who commitments? No, well, they say he's going. Well, he's going to need to free that up so someone else can step in. He plays Paul Larkin in the... You know Paul Larkin, the father of Philip Larkin? Yes. If only there was someone who'd already played a role in Doctor Who and was well-loved.

He bought his young child a metal Adolf Hitler where you could press a little thing and he did a Nazi salute. That was Philip Larkin's death. For God's sake, play the music. OK, I'll play it. Go and play the music now. Friendship on Absolute Radio. We've been... We can solve something, firstly,

which was the question of Deirdre Barlow slash Langton slash Rashid her maiden name, or her original name I should know this, I really should know this well, 646 and 824 have texted saying that her maiden

name was Hunt Deirdre Hunt I don't remember that. I mean, when you say it like that, she had a lot of surnames over the course of her life. She did. Tremendous though she was. The paperwork. Incredible. Well,

you know, it's a lot of admin. That's what would put me off being a spy, by the way. That's why. The admin. That's why she wore. Just think how many passwords they have to remember. She wore the massive glasses to avoid being blinded by rice.

It was thrown at her on a regular basis. They were goggles, really. Protective goggles. Daniel Craig, is your personal, sort of Moriarty figure in your life, really? My cleaner who left me for Daniel Craig, he's your personal, sort of Moriarty figure in your life, really.

My cleaner who left me for Daniel Craig has now gone on. We should say you weren't involved with her either. Your cleaner wasn't Rachel Weisz. No, no, she was my, we were clean, she cleaned at our home. Yeah, and then? In fact, I spoke to my current cleaner the other day, and she said, oh, yeah, I clean for Daniel sometimes, I thought. Really? current cleaning of the day, and she said, oh, yeah, I clean for Daniel sometimes. I thought, really?

He's working his wicked ways again. She'll be off. That was a shame. I mean to get clean. I'm not suggesting anything else. Apparently, we were talking about the Samsung deal that he turned down because him and the movie was Spectre at the time. Yeah.

And was it Sam Mendes who directed that? I think it might have been, but if I'm wrong, I do apologise. But he didn't think it was the right fit for Bond. They said, apparently he said, Bond only uses the best, so he wouldn't be seen with the phone. I don't know. They were offered 50 million as a deal, and he was individually offered 5 million.

Well, Sony's supposed to have offered them 50 million, but we don't know what that was for. They might Sony's supposed to have offered them £50 million, but we don't know what that was for. They might have wanted him to use a mini-disc. I think Sony offered £18 million. Samsung offered £50. I mean, what we're saying is, these people are being offered a lot of money, Frank. Yeah, yeah.

Who was it that made the magnet that takes the zip on the dress down? That's a sponsorship. I think he got that from a scrapyard. Just like three quid from a scrapper. Do you think there was a point where Daniel Craig went, I don't think we should have a Samsung phone because Bond wouldn't have that.

There was anybody in the meeting that wanted to say, Daniel, this is all pretend, but the money's real. Yes. It's not a documentary about a spy. Bond didn't have blonde hair. the meeting that wanted to say, Daniel, this is all pretend, but the money's real. Yeah. It's not a documentary about a spy. Actually, Don didn't have blonde hair. Yes. All right? All right?

Just shut up and take some of this money, mate. All right? Just keep doing that. I like that the new film is called No Time to Die, which just basically sounds like he's got a lot on. Yeah, that's exactly how I interpreted it. I haven't got time to die, dear. I mean, I'm so busy this year. I haven't done the hoovering.

Isn't that the point of this, that he's retired in this one? Yeah, but why don't they just call it Bond? I haven't got a minute to myself. Why not just call it Bond 35 or whatever? Just do them all like that now. That's the way forward. Yes.

Not as sexist as it used to be, it could be called. Yeah. Well, I was watching it. Bond and the project. Yes, exactly. I watched the clip of the new Bond film. Is that what he called them? Oh, yeah.

I watched the clip of the new Bond film. It was a bit odd because the trailer before, I was watching, you know they have the ad beforehand. I hate those ads, Frank. Skip this in three seconds. Why not just let me skip it now? Anyway, the ad that I didn't have the option to skip was two middle class kids in karate uniform, Al.

Cool. Just to bring you into this. Love it. And they were saying, please slow down, Daddy. And the dad's going too fast. I mean, I think they survived. Yes, they survived. But they went, no, Daddy, stop.

It was one of those very distressing. I thought at first it was going to be a dad karate teacher hitting them too fast. They couldn't do their blocks. And then we kicked into did it, did it, did it. Oh, really? With Bond going around the Monte Carlo sort of chicanes. Yeah.

Don't drive too fast, James. That would ruin the whole franchise. Daddy, no. So we're going to go. We're going to go when it comes. It's coming out later because of the corona. Yeah. But it used to be, we had an outing.

We've had a couple, I think, to Bond. We did Spectre. No. Spectre to Ring. We've had a couple, I think, to Bond. We did Spectre. No. Spectre to Rector. We've done two. The deal is I book the tickets and that's the deal. I think I buy the popcorn. And you got the popcorn.

You get the popcorn. Let's see. That's a good deal. I love it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, we were talking about Bond and No Time to Die and the fact that, as you said, it's about his retirement. I believe that's when it starts.

So it's him queuing at the post office. Yeah. Essentially. Doing watercolours. Cushion number seven, please. Watercolours, yes. Ordering, maybe him flicking through the supplements, Frank, ordering some of those nice elasticated trousers.

I have given up shop. What if he'd resigned to retire and he'd woken up in the village like the prisoner? Because that was the old idea that spies weren't supposed to resign. Yes. Because they knew too much. They had to be hidden away. That would have been a fabulous intertextuality.

I always thought if I ever got a mastermind, which I wouldn't, but I grow old. Don't put yourself down. I grow old. But I think I always felt my specialist subject, I'd love it to be the prisoner, but now I think it might be Pete.

Disney character. Right. You've probably already known more than most people. You've done a one-week deep dive on Pete. I mean, I've gone deep. On the subject of films, though, I just wanted to raise something, which is, while we're talking about branding,

did you read this about Apple? Rian Johnson, you'll know him. Frank, he's your community, because he did Star Wars The Last Jedi, I believe. Oh, I thought you meant the S&M community that Frank jokes about being involved in. Did he do The Last Jedi? I may be wrong.

I think he did. I'm sure he did Star Wars. Our readers can let us know if I've got that right. But he did Knives Out, which is fabulous. He has revealed that Apple told him the villain in his movie was not allowed to be seen using an Apple product. I, you know, I think. And he has explained...

Not an Apple. The difficult thing was the film was about the Garden of Eden. Not many scenes where Bond baddies are eating chutney with someone. That Isaac Newton biopic's all over the place. Doesn't Snow White, doesn't the baddie use an apple product in Snow White? Is that right?

Yeah. Yes, the witch. Who else had to play in the school play? Thank you. Oh, no. I know. No, I had my revenge, Frank. Oh, yeah, they do.

Well, I did. I got laughs. Thank you. Snow White doesn't get laughs. The witch does. That's for sure. I played it. I went to see Snow White and the Six Dwarfs last week.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm afraid the sneeze is self-isolated. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Frank Skinner Absolute Radio We were discussing the iPhones not allowed to be seen by baddies

this director has revealed Not seen, used Used, exactly Otherwise Apple think that it will be associated with badness Bad guys Ron Johnson essentially said he was giving away a huge secret

and he's shooting himself in the foot here because every time anyone watches any of his movies in future, they're going to know the person holding the old Nokia is the villain, essentially. Oh. You can't be... And he's doing Knives Out 2, so difficult to be... I mean, it's more of a, have you seen the movie? It's absolutely marvellous.

Which one? Knives Out. No. It's more of a sort of why done it in some respects. Oh, is it? Yeah, I love a why done it. How done it, why done it. Okay, yeah, because I think he was a why done it.

No, not why done it. How done it. How does he find out who done it? Oh, OK. It was Colombo. That's how Colombo was. Yeah. You knew he'd done it from the beginning.

Yes. But he... I take his point about this, though. It's true. If you know that information... At the beginning. It's a bit like if there's... Say if there's an Agatha Christie type...

Mm. ..10 possible suspects on the telly recently made I think my money's on one of the white men I would say now that

I think that's a good thing, I think we're in flux things are improving but it is a spoiler I would agree with that. And I think also, because the other thing is that apparently in 24, I don't know if you used to watch that.

Oh yes, I remember that. You know what? Somebody gave me the DVD of that and said, you'll absolutely love it. And I watched one episode and I thought, not for me. Right. It's good to jump out of those things early, though, rather than halfway through. I listened to that podcast this week

on Frank Skinner's Not For Me. Anyone who doesn't like Doctor Who... Sounds a bit negative. The Sopranos. Not for you. Seven eps. Seven eps. Frank, I got four in and what did I tell you it was? The Dormio ad.

I think this is... Can we do what we think this is? Tony! Come on! I definitely regard myself more negative than you two, but yet you've come up with a vehicle for Frank that is basically negative. Not for me!

Frank Skinner. I feel really overlooked here. And now on Radio 4, it's time for Frank Skinner's Not For Me This week you too This is Frank Skinner This is Absolute Radio We were discussing the

iPhone not being allowed to be used by baddies, I'm guessing by Apple Now they tell me, sorry I'll guessing by Apple. Oh, now they tell me. Sorry, I'll give it back. Yeah, I feel like they could allow it, but just make sure that there's also a counterbalance moment. So, like, there could be a moment in it where 007 says,

the difficult thing about being a spy these days is remembering all your passwords. Thankfully, I use the Apple wallet or whatever. Oh, yeah. And then later on, they could have the baddie use the iPhone, but say, oh, God, I've used an aftermarket charger and now I'm straight down to 25%. It could be done. Why is it like that?

An aftermarket charger? Is this why you're not in script writing? You don't think that would be suspenseful? Al, can I add to this point, though? I thought they were good suggestions, if any of the production team are listening. Feel free to have that. I love the aftermarket charger.

It's absolutely genius work. What I would say to both of you gentlemen is that villains in my book are, especially in Bond films, are sort of, stereotypically at least, they sort of seem to be at the cutting edge of technology. Yeah. You know, the lair. They have a lair, don't they? Yeah, they have.

All sorts of blinking gadgets. Yeah. Laser. Lasers. Oh, they launch rockets, Frank. Yeah, on the ground kingdom. Nuclear wars, all sorts going on with these people. A lot of sliding to reveal stuff. A lot of that kind of sliding doors. Well, exactly, Alan. What I would say

is it's the villains in Bond films who I would say are better brand ambassadors for the technology than Bond who, I'm afraid, tends to push people in a pool. Yeah. Yeah, but he does get things like... He's quite a lot of fire. He does get like... No, he isn't.

He smashes the place up. He doesn't do that. He gets pens that... Oh, great, pens. ...do stuff. You know, he gets all those stuff from... Is it M? No, he doesn't launch underwater civilisations

and nuclear missiles. Look, can we just say, I think we should point out, obviously, all forms of sponsorship are brilliant. Can we make that absolutely clear? And here on Absolute Radio, where real advertising matters. Yes. For example, if the popular breakfast show host, Dave Barry.

Oh, yeah. If we found out that he'd killed three people in a McDonald's with an axe we've got through three hours I think we can safely say that the management of Absolute would stand by Dave Berry as we all would until there was a trial and we'd actually found out whether he was innocent or guilty

unless we found out that it wasn't an axe from Wicks and then I'm afraid he'd be on his own. So I think sponsorship does matter. And far be it from us to condemn the Bond films here on Absolute Radio. We don't condemn them.

I mean, what I would say, I do think... I remember Danny Boyle said that in Slumdog Millionaire, he'd been told... I don't know if I can mention the car company. I won't have to say the music. Sorry. You I don't know if I can mention the car company. Was this Mercedes? You're right, Al. I mean, I was guessing.

But, yeah, they said, we'll be in the movie, but we don't want to be associated. We don't want anyone poor driving it. Yeah, exactly. If there's any shots of posh apartment blocks, you can put it there, but we don't want it near the slums.

I mean, that's what they say. Coca-Cola, I think, was a bit touchy. Was it? Oh, dear. My mum's cola had to be used panda panda cola i think the bad all the baddies in the new bond film drink panda cola no wonder they're so angry exactly frank they are hyper those baddies also i'll tell you what they're, beware. All Scaramanga and the Calvin Classics from the market. Oh, yeah, totally. Anyway, thank you so much for listening to us this week. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now, get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.