The Frank Skinner Show - Magi FM

Episode Date: December 11, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to see the Christmas lights at Kew Gardens and did a reading at the AB of C’s Carol Concert. The team also discuss Chocolate Orange Mayo, a gnocchi theft and Emily’s found her people on Reddit.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank the... Frank who? Skinner on Absolute Radio. Any excuse to say who. Yeah, exactly. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran as ever. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Or you can email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. If you can write that quickly.

You've still got a bit of hesitation about that, haven't you? Yeah, that's why I only ever did Just a Minute once and was never invited back. Because of the hesitation. I kept getting, before I'd answered, I'd take a breath to speak and someone would jump in

and say hesitation. Yeah. And Nicholas Parsons said, you have to take a breath while I'm actually saying, you know, moving towards you. I mean, no one had told me that. You know what?

My problem is with that. It really comes down to, look, do you want it quick or do you want it funny? OK? I've asked a lot of people that. Yeah. Al's good at it, aren't you, Al? Oh, Al is good at it.

He'd been a ranker. I've got an email here from the land down under giving you some more advice about how to uh how to do that email thing they say hi frank and team i've been listening to your podcast he probably means i've been listening to your podcast but i won't do the accent all the way through and it seems you are still unresolved about your email introduction. If I could offer some advice from the land down under, the word to use instead of on would be using. So the introduction would be email the show using frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. OK.

And get this for a handle. All the best, Nick Sperrin-Jones, Melbourne, Australia. I bet he gets some stick in Melbourne for being called Nick Sparrow Jones. I love Melbourne. You go out to St Kilda, the lovely little balconies with, like, Regency wrought iron. Anyway, it's a great place. Nick probably wonders if his advice is being ignored because you're having some Melbourne nostalgia now.

No, it's not being ignored. It's a perfectly good one. I'm a bit down on Australians at the moment. I'll be straight with you. It's been a difficult moment. Oh, is that the cricket thing, though? Yes, the cricket thing. Oh.

Anyway, let's not go into that. No. I mean, you know, it's dawn, it's dawn. Oh, I'll tell you what I did this week. I attended the carol service of the ABFC. Oh. Oh, I'll tell you what I did this week. I attended the carol service of the ABFC. Oh, yeah. Do you know, I was wondering how he was getting on. It's been a while since I've heard from him.

Yes. Well, actually, my first, you know when you get your first Christmas card of the year? It was from the Archbishop of Canterbury. I mean, that's pretty good going, isn't it? I mean. that's pretty good going, isn't it? I mean... Pretty good going. There's an excommunication in the post, probably, if the parish priest hears this.

But still... What does he say, Frank? Does he just sign it? Well, him and his wife sign it, and it's just, you know... They don't write a big message, but it's a lovely thing to get. Can I just stop? I was really sad last night that Mike Nesmith died. I loved the Monkees.

I collected the cards. I got a woolen hat like his. I love the music. And he had a single. I've completely gone off on it. I just saw him on the telly. He had a single out. There's about 10 songs that I sing all the music. And he had a single, I've completely gone off on, I just saw him on the telly. He had a single out,

which there's about 10 songs that I sing all the time throughout my life. And one of them is Rio by Mike Nesmith. I'm gonna hide out in Rio. So God bless Mike Nesmith. And his mum, of course. Invented Tipex? Invented Tipex. And I heard David of course. Invented Tippex? Invented Tippex. And I heard David Irving's, the right-wing historian,

on a radio show once, and he said, women have never invented anything. He was a lovely bloke, David Irving. Wow. And the woman interviewing him said, well, I think they invented Tippex. He said, well, I think they invented Tippex. He said, well, they need to invent Tippex. So the negative side of life as well as the great positive of the fabulous Mike Nesmith.

God bless him. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, I was doing a reading at the ABFC's Christmas carol service. I was reading T.S. Eliot's The Journey of the Magi, which is, you know, three wise men story poem. And I've got to tell you, Zina Badawi said to me after that I read it better than T.S. Eliot. What about that on the posters, Al?

Eh, for Edinburgh? My praise. So I did a preamble. It was a mini Frank Skinner Poetry Podcast. I did a little preamble. When you just read a raw poem straight out like that, it's hard, if you're not familiar with it, it's quite hard to get everything. Or is there anything?

And I did, there was two, I started off, I tell you what, I'm just going to say what I said, and I thought there was a bit of, perhaps I picked the wrong audience for this, but this is a true story. I hate it when you say that, it always means you have it's a true story we got our nativity scene out

part of our Christmas decorations we got a little nativity scene which I bought in New Mexico many years ago and the baby Jesus has gone missing we can't find the baby Jesus which is obviously quite a big omission from a nativity. It's really crucial.

It's like those Elvis the concert things when all the backing musicians are there from the original Memphis shows, but there's just a gap in the middle of the stain. So I came down. This is how I told it. So I came down the next morning. You told us to the congregation. To the congregation, yeah. So I came down the next morning you told us to the

congregation to the congregation yeah I said I come down the next morning and where the crib was bars my son and put a crucifix instead and I thought spoilers and yeah some people laugh but with some people there was a real sense of no that i'm not having that and obviously it was meant you know it was it was um it was meant in the nicest i think that is a very fine joke no but it led the reason i it wasn't a joke it's true it's true it's funny because it's true yeah but the reason i told it is that poem talks about, well, were we at a birth or a death? And it's the three wise men talking about this baby being born

to, you know, what happens to him after, and all that. So it sort of led me into the, come on. I also, I thought this was a good joke that got nothing. It was one of these,

you must have done this, Al, when you do a joke and then you actually say, I thought that would have gone better. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but Frank, that's all you do. It's like, oh, I can't believe people didn't laugh at my jokes. But listen to this.

I said, there's three wise men, they're moaning about what a really tough journey and how difficult it was. They do to that. They're really moaning, the poem. You sound like you think they're in Wetherspoons or something, just three old men moaning. I don't think about the motorway, I tell you what, mate, the pile-up.

Well, it is like that. I'm going to read it in a minute if you're not careful. So anyway, I said, you know, they moan about getting into Bethlehem and how difficult... And I said, we all know how difficult it is to get last-minute accommodation on a bank holiday. Lovely. And I don't think anyone know how difficult it is to get last minute accommodation on a bank holiday. Lovely. And I don't think anyone got the bank holiday joke.

And I thought, oh, I thought if this was a Catholic crow, they'd have ruled. Well, you said you don't think they got it. I think you got a tough crowd. Were they not, they weren't laughing enough? No, they weren't. It was, they sensed a joke. They sensed the rhythm of a joke, but they could find no joke. Oh, Frank.

Still, I read it better than T.S. Eliot. Have you ever read... I'm not going to go on about poetry, but I'm going on the lighter side of poetry so it's accessible to all. T.S. Eliot reads In the Wasteland. There's a bit in The Wasteland, which you probably know, where he talks about Madame Sosostris, the famous clairvoyant.

And that's what I've always read it as. Madame Sosostris, the famous clairvoyant, had a bad cold. That's what the line is. And T.S. Eliot says, Madame Sosostris, the famous clévoyant. And I always love that. I've never heard anyone else say clévoyant

in the midst of a bit of English. So from now on, if Russell Grant gets mentioned, Russell Grant the clévoyant, I'm set, I, Clevion. I'm set, I'm ready for it. Who are the other, who's in the Clevion seat at the moment?

Mystic Meg. Mystic Meg still isn't in the seat, is she? Who's taken over? There was Eileen Drury. Justin Topa. That's a good,

8, 12, 15, who's in the, uh, Clevion seat at the moment? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 8, 12, 15, who's in the clairvoyant seat at the moment? You've been telling us about your A, B, C gig.

Yeah, my gig at Lambeth Palace. You refer to the wise men, slash kings, make your mind up, guys. I mean, let's face it, there's rarely any crossover between royalty and wisdom. One of the few cases, I would say, and I haven't got any big thing against the royals in this country, but I'd say saying things that have been said a lot as if they were very, very new and exciting things was one of the... I suppose they don't want to say anything controversial, but, you know. But anyway, wise men stroke kings.

Slash clever. Stroke magi. Slash clever. Well, they weren't actually clever. I suppose they had... Oh, mystical properties. They did look at the stars, too. There you go.

Now, you may recall, Frank, I once had an issue which I discussed on this show with the song lyric, Er lie in the morning. Oh, yes. Do you remember that? Is it Er lie or is it Eli in the morning? No, it's Her lie.

And that's what I objected to, is that it's sort of pirate speak and they don't attempt the pirate speak in any other part of that. Okay. So it's just, what should we do with a drunken sailor? Her lie in the morning. Yeah.

Similarly, discuss we three kings of Orient comma are I'm not having that they abandon that structure elsewhere in that well I think you've got to get the rhyme you've got to get the rhyme love

no that's spoken by someone who truly appreciates poetry well I mean, trying to rhyme someone with orient is a horrible night. You don't want to get disoriented.

So, you know, I think, I'm all right with that. I'm all right with moving, moving it about a bit. Josh Jeffries.

Josh Jeffries. Josh Jeffries says, the other day he heard someone say alright Mystic Meg oh so she probably is still in the clairvoyant chair

she's still holding on to the chair yeah that's interesting I think that probably is true I tell you what I'm not sure that the horoscope

horoscope thing is quite what it was is it no it's dwindling i remember when it was people used to buy things like old moore's almanac um do you remember that used to be a little um tiny little magazine all sort of rough old paper and it used to say things like how you could do spells to make you rich and stuff like that well you did didn't it yeah it worked and frank what the subject of the missing baby jesus i just had an idea what about what about if magic fm for christmas changed their name to may jay fm they could just put they could just put like a father christmas face over the

sea on all their advertising i mean that would be great wouldn't it made and every show presented by three presenters at the same time and then they could have magic gold which i think does that already exist magic gold magic gold magic frankincense and magic myrrh. Come on, guys, make it happen. And as for Pret-a-Mange, they're missing a trick. Oh, God. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. One thing I didn't tell you is that when I was at Lambeth Palace,

a man came up in a dog collar. There was a few of them about, obviously. A very nice crowd, I have to say, the Anglicans, despite what my dad said. And this guy was talking and Buzz said to him, what do you do? And he said, I'm a reverend. And Buzz said straight off, did you punch Alice Cooper in the face? And this bloke was like completely, I'm sorry? And I had to explain that there's a line in No More Mr Nice Guy when the singer goes to church and the Reverend Smithy recognised me and punched me in the nose.

Do you remember that line? Anyway, it caused some confusion, but I enjoyed it. Can I tell you another Christmas thing I did this week? Please do. I went to Kew Gardens. Lovely. Very civilised. Obviously, it took ages to get in.

Oh, come on. Hey! Hey! Like it. And it's their Christmas at Kew thing. Does Kew have an earthy brown sign directing you to it? Because I do like an earthy brown sign.

I think it has sort of an old, slightly battered metal white sign with black writing on it. It's probably been there since the 70s. Okay. Which I kind of like. But I have to say, I would recommend, and I'm not on any sort of, I'm getting no

money from Q. It's brilliant. It would be very hard for them to figure out what commission you're owed from mentioning them on the radio. That would be a strange ambassador role. I think we'd like to get Frank Skinner on board as the brand ambassador for Q Gardens. But what's brilliant is when you walk around and you know it's like a light Christmas lights and there's a fair. There was a fair, actually. My son and my nephew, Elliot, went on the carousel. And I was, while they were going round,

obviously got a bit bored of watching them after the Ninth Revolution. And so I started looking. It's a very ornate carousel. Like Marie Antoinette. So underneath it, I could see they had a picture of isambard kingdom brunel with his name and a picture of him and i thought well he's supposed he's an engineer and this is like an example of engine and then there was george stevenson he of the rocket and i thought they're just celebrating this engine. And then the next one was Captain Manoring from Dad's Army. Oh, God.

A bit of a random. Where does he fit in with the carousel thing? Ah, I'm sure one of our readers will be able to enlighten us. Stupid boy. But Atiyah, you know when you mention things and then they crop up almost immediately afterwards? Do you know that phenomenon? So we had some, do you know churros?

Yeah. They're like, I don't know what they're like. They're sort of donut material, but they're in sort of stick form. Yes, I know. Yeah, like long stringy donut. Very popular with the youths now. Are they? Oh yes, they like to dip the churros.

Oh, you've got to dip them. What flavour dip did I get? Caramel? Butterscotch. You know, I said last week on the show that butterscotch had gone. And then I went to the English National Opera to see HMS Pinafore,

who was starring in it, Les Dennis, a guy who we had a text in about what would be the name of his autobiographical Edinburgh show. It's like the whole show is caving in on me. It's a weird, very weird thing. I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't bump into a clairvoyant when I get out of the studio. They wouldn't be surprised if I didn't bump into a clairvoyant when I get out of the studio.

They wouldn't be surprised. No, they definitely wouldn't. If there's anything good about them. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Anyway, so I was walking around Kew Gardens and it, after, it's quite a long thing, you get your money's worth, and then we saw Father Christmas in the distance. Oh yeah. So as we approached Father Christmas, there's two women behind me, two women about my age I suppose, and one of them said, at last, something a bit Christmassy.

We'd passed enormous globes lit up, tree, Christmas tree gates, which sort of shape, big giant Christmas gifts, snowflakes. But anyway. All they get about. Yeah, at last, something a bit Christmassy. And so far the Christmas look across. And I thought, I wonder if he's last something a bit Christmassy. And so Father Christmas look across, and I thought, I wonder if he's thinking, a big Christmassy is quite a,

it's not a great billet, is it, for Father Christmas? I mean, you're not going to get much more Christmassy than that. You can't please people. I went and got a hot chocolate at one of the booths. And I said, can I have a hot chocolate, please? the booths and I said can I have a hot chocolate please and the woman said loaded and I said mind your own business and she didn't seem to didn't seem to get it at all but I didn't do you know this term I love that do you know what though I mean firstly he had the congregation at the ABOC now he's got the hot chocolate vendor. I mean, you do, I'm just saying, as a friend who loves you so dearly,

you do go around hunting, don't you? Well, I can't. For the bad reception. They fall off me like windfall fruit. I have no say in it. They're out there. I didn't know the phrase. Did you know the phrase?

Loaded for hot chocolate. What does it mean? Does it mean? Does it mean they're putting stuff on it? It means you've got marshmallows and cream and all that on top of it. Can I be honest? I would have thought, Al, that was a reference to the old New Lads. I would have thought she was saying to Frank,

you're responsible, New Lads. Do you think she was at the ceremony when I won chap of the year? Did you? And got a leather Planet Hollywood varsity jacket. was at the ceremony when I won chap of the year did you and got a leather planet Hollywood varsity Jackie

that's my prize that's possible there was no religious imagery can I say at the Christmas queue

they want the uniform and the medals but they don't want to fight the war okay Frank that's all I'm

saying we've all had a drink. Okay. But it was great. I'd recommend it. But loaded, Al. What does loaded constitute? I mean, is this whipped cream?

I think it's sort of marshmallows, cream, that sort of stuff. Yeah, they squirt cream out of one of those squirty cream things, and then they drop. what they did they put some little marshmallows and then the cream on top of that and then they put marshmallows on top of the cream so it's a sort of a cream sandwich i feel like hot chocolate is somewhat nick in the term loaded from the potato skin world oh is that right potato, is that right? Loaded potato skins. Fighting tall. That's what I think's happening. I wasn't even familiar

with loaded potato skins. I'm not. Yeah. But anyway, you heard it here first. Next time you order a hot chocolate, brace yourself

for that information. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show using frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I like that. You told us a story earlier, Frank, one of your little stories.

Oh, yeah. It was one of your little stories about a hot chocolate that you had at Kew Gardens. Oh. And I'm just giving a little recap, if anyone's had a lie in this morning. And the woman who gave it to you said, loaded.

Well, loaded, question mark. Juan Lyle has been in touch. Juan? Yeah. Maybe loaded wasn't asking if you were, rather a statement, you must be. Oh you must be was the hot chocolate frightfully expensive can i just say wonderful use of frightfully juan yeah person i like frightfully um it was you know it was sort of london event standard price so yes. So yes to 80% of our listeners.

Yeah, but I mean, it wasn't like, what's the word that people use for something that, it wasn't prohibitively expensive. In what context is that most frequently used, would you say? Prohibitively expensive? Oh, I don't know. I feel it's an unwieldy word. Oh, I use that phrase a lot.

Mainly when I'm prohibiting expenditure. Yeah, I don't know. That's a good question. When is it used? Prohibitively expensive? Okay, we'll have a little think on that. Not easy to say. She said that probably puts people off here

and they go for some sort of synonym. Yeah, I know, I know. Like very. Yeah. Or how much. Yeah. Or a tad. A tad is simple.

We've also... Sorry, Al, were you going to say something? No. Oh. Feel free to. We're on a national breakfast radio show. I think Tad is downgrading prohibitively expensive. It makes it sound too in reach.

It makes it sound like it's a little bit. I was just wondering if that's the first time ever on radio that someone said, I don't want to say anything. No, you said, was I going to say something? I'm sorry, I thought I interrupted you. Frank, we've had a lot of people getting in touch, congratulating you, on your show this week. Oh, OK.

Are you familiar with the show in question? Yeah, the title is so long I can't remember it, but it's basically me and Denise Miner on the Wordsworth and Coleridge road trip and it's on I'm going to watch it on Sky Arts one of my favourites

Tim in Dublin has been in touch hello Dear Frankincense Christmas one for you there I've really enjoyed your show with Denise Minor this week I especially enjoyed the ham shank scene

it's all gone a bit silence of the lambs, it's not, I'll continue I did notice though that when the shanks arrived you were drinking out of a stemmed glass. Then, a moment later, they had transmogrified, we'll put the pin in that, into tumblers.

Oh, really? All the while, the pork dishes remaining steaming hot. Amazing. I love the show. Wasn't it? Yeah. Well, obviously our dialogue was riveting that you were noticing the receptacles above everything else.

But yeah, I don't know what happened there. I think I was on ginger beer that night. I drank from a stemmed glass at lambeth palace the other night shall i tell you for why go on because at the buffet um they had those you know those clips you know those clips you get on the side of a plate at um at a buffet where you sit your little stemmed glass. They had those babies. Of course they did. It was the ABFC. So proud. I find I've got such a sticky Adams apple,

I can actually secure a plate with one of those to avoid... And then they eat straight from the plate with no need for a knife and fork. Like a sort of portable trough. Yeah, exactly. There isn't enough... I think the portable trough. Yeah, exactly. There isn't enough. I think the portable trough market has been largely ignored. Perhaps people feel it'll be proboscisly expensive.

Not that good. I thought that was a bit... Didn't quite reach the trapeze. I find myself in mid-air. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had an email during the week about

butterscotch that we discussed last week and people already mentioned that I would like. You eating crisps, Frank? Yeah, he always does that. Definitely not. That's my bones. Remember, at my age, my bones are like an arrow. On last week's show, Frank lamented the demise

of butterscotch-flavoured foodstuffs. I can confirm, to my cost, that it still exists, and they've launched into an anecdote here, but one that I think is worth sharing whilst holidaying a few years ago outside urban in the west coast of scotland nice spot i stumbled upon a delightful coffee shop which served a butterscotch latte in a moment of tongue-tiedness can i say i enjoy tongue-tiedness i ordered. I ordered a butternut squash latte. This resulted in a baffled stare from the waitress

who asked me to repeat myself, to which I said again, oblivious to my mistake, butternut squash. The pair of us still bemused. I pointed to it on the menu and misread out loud butternut squash again. Comprehension dawning on her, she very kindly read it out correctly as butterscotch,

which elicited laughter from the other patrons. I've returned there since, but haunted by the experience, her not-tasted one again. Yours embarrassingly, Chris, a PhD chemistry student who should know better. Well, you'd think a PhD chemistry student could knock up a butternut squash latte on their own.

You would think so. I like the idea. I like the idea of, as in the coconut-based cocktail, of hollowing out a butternut squash, which you could then drink the butternut squash latte from through a straw. How about that? Anyone planning a Christmas party?

Go for it. I love it. Frank, guess what? We've heard from one of our readers in the UEA. You're moving a bit off the mic. Oh, I do apologise. Sorry, at my age, I need... Don't make me reach for my trumpet, Emily.

Loaded. We've heard from a long-time reader. They've said long-time Middle East reader. OK. He's redacted there in the UEA. If you're looking for a Christmas present for Buzz, look no further than a black chicken. There are...

I'm just seeing a newspaper article here. There's a black chicken breed which is finding a big market in the UAE an actual black chicken Frank yeah I don't think I'm my dad kept chickens for years did he? and I found they attracted rats

quite often he once I remember went into the chicken run with his trousers tucked down his socks and a garden fork with a rat at one end. And I don't have that level of testosterone that I could pull that off. I'd have to get a man in to deal with it. I imagine... That'd be so pathetic. Your dad is the sort of person, I can't imagine, I mean, I'm not saying he did have this,

but a ferret in the trouser might have happened. He did have a period of having a ferret during his poaching. Yes, when he used to knit nets. But he also, he had an attitude to animals which wouldn't work in the modern world. Don't tell me these stories. They really distress me. The chickens started eating their own eggs.

No. Okay, do you want to know? It's a helpful cruel tip for chicken keepers. So what he did, he took an egg, he blew the egg. You know, you put a hole in each end and blew the egg and put mustard in it and took the water out of the chicken shed and waited about

an hour and they never ate the eggs again. Okay, no one do that. No, don't do it. I'm not condoning it for one second. It's cruel and mistaken but those who ignore history are condemned to relive it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Hi, I've been watching on Disney Plus. Oh, yeah. The Beatles, Let It Be. How's it going? Which is, it's like a big brother, but with the Beatles,

if they were in the house together. It's a big time commitment, though, isn't it? Well, I've only just started it, but I can imagine. When I was living at David Baddiel's flat when we first started living together, I could watch MTV for seven or eight hours in a block and I didn't mean to but I just one more video

just one more video and I feel I could really wallow in the Beatles let it be it's just there's no I like the fact that not that much is happening apart from the Beatles making a bit of music.

But there's lots of just chat and people having sandwiches and stuff. It's great. I might get involved in that. It's great. Sounds good. Anyway, it's... We've... Yeah, give it a go. Al, would you care to share the recent hot chocolate update?

Well, Frank told I'd say an anecdote about ordering a hot chocolate and the woman saying loaded and now you've kick-started a hot chocolate anecdote. 537 has contributed.

Ordered a hot chocolate at a booth at Woodhall Spa a few years ago. Would you like onions with it? What. Would you like onions with it? What? Would you like onions with it? A hot chocolate? Oh, I thought you said hot dog. Oh, that's amazing.

There's been a lot of butternut squash lattes, and what is wrong with people? We can't communicate anymore. I blamed a mobile phone. Do you know, talking of would you like onions with it, I mean, one of the worst phrases I've ever heard in my life, as you know, I've joined a lovely group. Yeah, well, I've joined an online group.

It's called Onions Are Awful. Oh, OK. And we share stories. People are really scratching around for something that you can publicly hate without being cancelled, aren't they? Do you know what? It brings me a great deal of solace and we share stories,

empathise. There's a number of people, I think there's over 4,000 members of this group and they just share stories about terrible encounters they've had with onions and why they get upset by them. I've had people saying, I don't know what to do about my girlfriend.

She puts onions in salads. And someone will respond, bro, this is serious. You can't continue with this. Get rid of her, that sort of thing. It's great that the internet brings together people with specialist interests. Someone posted the other day. You know that, don't you? Oh, I don't want to be reminded

I don't someone got very upset saying the other day someone told me to get over it I will never get over it I'm almost 40 and there's a lot, we talk about red onions how this time of year can be tricky

do you mention scallions? does that pop? can I tricky Do you mention scallions? Does that come up? Can I say why I like scallions? Go on Because I feel it's a portmanteau word in some way like scoundrels and onions are in there some way

and they're acknowledging how verminous they are Well, OK. I think it's good that people know what they like and what they don't like. I can't think of anything that I have strong enough antipathy towards to join a chat room. Chat room? It's not a chat room, is it?

You don't have chat rooms anymore. Oh, don't you? Sorry, I don't. Like I say, my knowledge of the internet... It's called Reddit. It's like a thread you have. Oh, don't you? Sorry, I don't. Like I say, my knowledge of the internet is... It's called Reddit. It's like a thread you have. Oh, it's a Reddit thread. It's a Reddit thread. I love my Reddit friends. Okay, and what's it called? We hate onions.

Well, I'm afraid there's an expletive in there, which I won't say. Oh, no, we don't want that. Of course we don't. But it's a lot of Americans and they've become my friends. Cool. You sound a bit worried about this well you know across the ocean you could bring out a book called the internet without tears oh right lovely by the way um i was reading a nick laird poem uh and um according if the poem is true tears that are caused by onions

or maybe by smoke you know those kind of tears rather than the tears of sadness have got less manganese in them than the tears of sadness I thought it was interesting Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio I thought it was interesting.

We were just discussing somebody ordering a hot chocolate and being offered onions with it because of some confusion between hot chocolate and hot dog. Well, here's another thing that could be the result of some confusion but is actually genuine, legit, as you would say, Frank. Heinz, the popular condiment company... Legit, as you would say, Frank. Yeah, that's what I think. I legit love it. He legit loves it.

As you would say. He did. Anyway, Heinz. Sorry. Heinz, the popular condiment company, are launching a chocolate orange mayonnaise. Terry's chocolate orange mayo. Ooh.

That's a juxtaposition, isn't it? Yeah, see, Simon should have got the call by now. What's he called? Simon Mayo. Yeah, he should have had the call for the collab. Simon chocolate orange mayo. I think Kermode has gone off on his own now. What's he called? Simon Mayo. Yeah, he should have had the call for the collab. Simon Topper Orange Mayo. I think Kermode has gone off on his own now.

I see him on the telly a lot on his own. Was he advertising at Dr. Thing with that name? Imagine at that meeting when he said, Hold the Mayo. Oh, man. Still, you know, they don't last forever. Yeah, so yes. still you know they don't last forever yes so yes I don't

it's one of those where I can I can taste the mayo in it just hearing it yeah

and I don't mind mayo but I don't know if I'd want it on my TCO we well they've yeah they've joined forces with them

TCE wouldn't it be sorry oh no TCO TCO you put doubt in my mind they've joined no I... No, TCE, wouldn't it be? Sorry. Oh, no, TCO. TCO. Terry's got orange. TCO. You put doubt in my mind, though.

They've joined... No, I was trying to figure out what it was that you meant. K-pop. They've joined forces... Fine. Yeah, sorry. Don't be silly, Billy. They've joined forces with Hellman's.

And now I can imagine that's not a brand you're fond of. It just sounds a little bit too... Oh, no, it's all right. Is that OK? Yeah, I'm happy with that. OK, well, don't say that in front of A, B or C. But is it to put on sweet things or savoury things? I'll tell you exactly what it's for.

The article I read, the person just ate it out of the jar with a spoon. I'll tell you exactly what it's for. It can't be what it's for. So, Aldic, does this mean that Heinz have now got 58 varieties? Oh, lovely. Because they always used to advertise the fact that they had 57. I haven't heard another one announced for a while. Although that must be ketchup, surely.

What they've said, Frank, is that you spread it onto your croissant, your brioche or your pancakes. Hmm. I mean, I'll bear that in mind next time I'm having a continental breakfast in a 1974 hotel. Who has croissant in this day and age? I do like the sound of it, though. The whole, I wouldn't mind giving it, it's a limited edition thing, isn't it? There's only 200.

I mean, what's going on? You're trying to make it exclusive. Are people going to buy it? People will buy it just for laying down and not actually consume it. I'm just going to try a little bit of... Oh, it's very... What I saw the other day, by the way,

I saw a man standing at a bus stop in front of the you know the john you know i i'm i'm slightly obsessed with the johnny depp savage johnny depp um it's sort of an advert for not taking yourself too seriously they had that advert with johnny looking very oh very johnny and they are But a bloke was standing in front of me at the bus stop and it really looked like it just said sausage. And if that had been an advert for sausage that Johnny Depp was doing, so you realise that the wolves are following him through the desert because he's got the old string of sausages like they used to have in the Beano.

He would have gone up in my estimation. And let's face it, he's got a long way to go up at the moment after that one. We're talking about Hellman's... What is it actually called, this extraordinary... I thought it was Heinz. Heinz Terry's Chocolate Orange Mayo. Oh, OK. OK.

OK. I'll let them know. I like it when brands divers Mayo. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. I like it when brands diversify a bit, though. You know, you get like Marmite biscuits and stuff like that. I think it's... I quite like that. Obviously, not everyone likes those. Yes. No.

I like... And also, what they've gone for, they've gone for... likes those. Yes. No. I like, and also what they've gone for, they've gone for, there's a lot of sort of playful branding around it. Oh yeah.

Because they're calling it, they're sort of, they have decided that it's kind of, it's the ultimate Christmas thing but it's gone a bit

kooky and I don't like that. They call it whackaging, don't they, when they do that? Oh, I see. I've gone wackaging, Frank. You know, like innocent, I believe. Oh, yes.

We're not involved with any of these people, can I just say. We've never had any products off them. Yeah, so they say things like... I'm not involved with any innocent people. That is a fact. But they say things like does not contain despondency and stuff like that

in their ingredients list. Yes. They've had a few things, I think the whackaging, it's a bit whackaging this, isn't it? The whole concept of it is quite whackaging.

Yeah, I don't understand the limited, do they want the money or not? I mean, I think, this is some, i don't know if anyone's ever said this to heinz before but i think they need to back themselves a bit yeah you're gonna

make it then you're gonna hope that it's gonna be a major hit you see it's not a fabergé egg is it i mean you know get it out there get it on, guys. This is the bit I didn't like. Babbage egg mayo would be expensive, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah. We have decided we will make it a minimalist. So that's the voice of the Heinz. I'm guessing that's how they... Hair Heinz. I'll tell you what I do like.

I like to grind up the occasional extra strong mint for sprinkles on a winter scene that i've got a lovely tip yeah try that one of my life hacks oh do you know i think i will try that lovely frosted glaze you never know what i remember i when i first dipped a banana in powdered mustard i was surprised at how nice that turned out okay that's a good tip you know i have a slight um habit and any an extra strong mince habit to the point where i'm eating at least one pack a day do you still do that yeah and when i say a pack i mean once i start i have to eat the whole pack i mean it's really it's it's I'm in a bad way with it. Do they not have quite a diuretic effect?

Isn't there something that might be in them? I've never noticed that. A little busy. I know strepsils do. I found that out to my cost once. I've always thought. Yeah, combined with coughing, it was an absolute accident waiting to happen.

But extra strong mints, they've been so bad for my teeth that my teeth at the front now are basically see-through. I've lost so much of their substance. Is that right? You can see my tongue moving. You know when you see people in their tent moving about, you can see my tongue doing that behind my front teeth. I don't think that's good.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sorry, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram

at Frank on the Radio. Email the show frank at absolute radioadio.co.uk that's good slick that we've actually had a text in from 454 in relation to Emily's

onions group you know Emily's in a I hate onions Reddit group. Onions are awful, yeah. Is that what it's called? Onions are, I'm afraid there is an expletive here, but let's just forget that. Onions are awful.

And there's a lovely, the image is there's an onion with the no entry sign over it. Oh, okay, makes sense. I see. So they don't buy into the house. You know the astronomical theory that the world is just a great big onion? One of my worst songs I've ever heard.

It awful makes me sick. Well, the only way to get free of this great big onion, I can't remember the next bit, so I don't know. If the world is a great big onion, I don't want to live in this world. But how do you get free? All I can remember, the only way to get free of this great big onion is to... It must be love.

Well, yeah. It must be to do with love, surely. Oh, yeah. Love versus onions. I know what I'd pick. Why? What a battle that would be. Well, the two are very awkward bedfellows, may I say.

They both make you cry. Oh, lovely. Well, good point. Anyway, slightly bleak, actually. I thought I brought the bleakness to the show. Well! 454 has texted with an anecdote. Hi, Frank, Emily, Al.

I'm an optometrist. An optometrist, that's easy for them to say. I had an old lady patient a few years ago that chewed raw onions all day apart from during her eye test she absolutely reeked during ophthalmoscopy during an ophthalmoscopy the bit where we used to get very close to you with an elaborate torch i physically couldn't get near her as the smell the aura was so noxious i would have been sick um we don't have to do that bit anymore because of covert and i get to wear a mask all day which is a godsend yeah yours dracula

why would she chew raw onions all day except for during the exam? I'm guessing there's a lot of like cold peppers, herbal things for... Do you know cold peppers, herbal? Unless she'd been hypnotised to think that they were apples. Oh yeah, of course. Nobody had undone it.

It's making me... You think McKenna might be involved? Yeah. McKenna's been arrested, just in case. Question. This poor old lady. Oh man, I love an apple. Do you know what they say? Apples are

daff. Get McKenna. That is my literal nightmare. A pink lady masquerading as an onion. I bet you that they are tied to all sorts of cures and old herbal cures. Well, onions. Yeah, cure for attraction.

Yeah, well. I mean, how would you ever, how could you ever look at anyone eating an onion? Instant deal breaker for me. Well, I mean, you know, we're all different. I sometimes like to just take one section of skin and wear it as a gom shield for the rest of that. No, I like it.

What about Onion's haircut? What's going on up there? Why do they got that weird top knot? I hate the hair of the onion. I love a cheese and onion sandwich, one of the best things ever. Oh, you're joking. What you need to do is get into a cribbage league

and then you'll really appreciate them. This just in from Matthew Moyne in County Down. Matthew says, in my opinion, you could say, so you can contact me through frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Your move, Frank Skinner.

Okay, I think County Down should be an anagram quiz show for small children. So instead of Countyor very good i like the suggestion my worry just so you know matthew with regards to so you can contact me through it sounds a bit beggy it also sounds a bit like maybe on a dating site. It sounds like I might have to start playing the receptionist's tune. Da-da-da-da. Hello, can I help you? You can contact me through Frank at absolutemedia.co.uk. You can contact me.

I don't have to start doing that. Pell Furniture. I used to work at a place where a woman said, Pell Furniture. It sounds like you might have... How can I help you? Well, Frank, you might have the shop assistance emphasis which

goes like this do you need any help at all yeah that's good what I like about can I help you is that they could have an instrumental version of it so they answer the phone and go da da da da da da and everyone

would know what was meant by it like apparently when you call a dog over they're not really coming because you've said their name they're coming because you've sort of said those noises in that way yeah you always do exactly no they're fluent in a tonal language yeah but that's it is the tone it's not the language yeah you're right absolutely so you could call if you had a if you were saying uh rover rover you could go um it's 1972 yeah you could go uh biden biden and it would still come wouldn't know any different yeah um i don't want to diss dogs i'm just saying language that's not their thing in an irony apparently jo apparently Joe Biden will also come over

if you call Rover Rover. Is that right? He's got the most 70s dog ever, which is, of course, the Alsatian. Has he? Whichever you prefer, yes. Killers, of course. I'm afraid it got into...

Well, his dog did get into a little bit of trouble. Oh, really? Yes, I'm afraid so. What did it do? It was a bit of a silly-b trouble. Oh, really? Yes, I'm afraid so. What did it do? It was a bit of a silly-billy. It was a bit naughty. It didn't get into that coffin that Joe sleeps in at night. Oh.

It didn't carry Oldman in there. If he does... He had a double bed. Do you know what? I'm just saying, I'd be very happy with that. He's got... Me and those two, two of my faves, and also we'd all be hating the garlic and those two, two of my faves.

And also, we'd all be hating the garlic and onions. Oh, yeah. Dream team. Emily's just showed me that... What would you call it then? A website? It's not a chat room. It's a thread, isn't it? And actually, one of the things it has helped for life hacks

is how to say no onions, please, in many different languages. Yeah, it said... Do you know what? I've read it about seven times. I found it incredibly useful. I mean, French we all know. Yeah. Do you know French? No.

Yeah, that would suffice in France. Sans... Sans onion. Would that do it? That would get you understood, if not respected. Yeah. So, pa, I think, is normally... That would get you understood, if not respected. Yeah. So, pa, I think, is normally... That's all I heard, pa is understood.

Pa, at the beginning. Pa. Pa d'oignon. Je ne sais pas. No, that's I don't know onion. Yeah. I think they'd get that, wouldn't they? Winston Churchill, who apparently spoke fluent French, used to deliberately do it not quite right in speeches in France.

And he said people liked him more for trying than for knowing. Oh, wow. So there's a little tip when you're in France. Sorry, one of our readers, Glenn, has just obviously made All this talk of onions we've had this morning Has made a reference to Peter the Wild Oh, gotcha The Onion Lady

I presume the person who wrote in Was it an optometrist, Al? Yes Maybe she was a tribute sort of actor Peter the Wild Did he eat raw onions? Yes, I never forgot By the fire So maybe she was a tribute sort of actor, Peter the Wild. Did he eat raw onions? Yes, I never forgot.

By the fire? Very good, by the fireside. Oh. That was one of his hobbies. He stared at fires a lot, I remember. He stared at fires and he would also... We should say Peter the Wild was a personal favourite of King George the... King George the... One of the Hanoverian kings.

No, it was... No earlier than that, certainly. Third. Yeah. It's a story that's got some kindness and some leather collar elements. Not so much, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so...

I know how you like that. Just a bit of advice for anybody, if they are making out their first CV, probably not worth putting eating onions and staring into the fire on the hobbies list. And also, I think it said singing songs that had no tune, which is almost impossible, if you think about it, to do. I don't know.

I've got a friend who does that. No, but there's got to be an A tune, even if it's been improvised. Do you know what, though? I think there's something really joyful. Do you know that I know people that literally, I mean, they cannot sing a note, and they seem totally unaware of it.

And I think, good on them. I'm here. I know, and David Baddiel listens to this show, and good on them. I'm here. I know, and David Baddiel listens to this show and good on him. I had a tour manager that used to go... And I realised there was no tune at all to it. It was just sound. People don't like silence, I think, which is one of the things. Can I say I'm particularly excited to get home today,

as much as I love doing this show, because we've got an expanding sloth in a bowl of water. Cool. Yeah. It'll be growing as we speak. What have you been feeding it? In 72 hours, it trebles in size, apparently. What is it made of, this sloth?

Well, I don't know, but whatever it is, it absorbs water and becomes much larger. Have you ever met a sloth in real life? I've seen them at the zoo. Oh, have you? Are they in the night garden area? I think they are in the night garden. Oh, I can't go in then.

It gives me the creeps that night area so oh my name is eagle pickle is it though is it if i remember eric pickles the tory mp if i was him i would have entered the house oh my name is ericles but they don't have that sort of levity in their heart not enough intro music in politics no there ought to be like in boxing that would really brighten things up on parliamentary TV which that's funny it's a dull dull channel Boys I need to talk to you

we've been talking about onions the horror oh the horror the horror the horror there has been another food stuff in the news this week.

Did you see this? This theft of gnocchi. Is that how you say it? Gnocchi? That's how Italians say it. How do you say it? Gnocchi. Oh, dear.

Is that bad? No, it's fine. Well, it's got that silent G thing going on, hasn't it? I think Italians, I don't know. I'm sure if they're any Italian, but I've heard Italians would say gnocchi. Ah, gnocchi. I don't know if they go gnocchi. This is a bit like when there was an inquest when I said Bolognese

and you guys said that wasn't right and it turned out it was right. I think gnocchi is an acceptable pronunciation. It's a Jose Jose thing or whatever. So, gnocchi. Gnocchi would be the singular. Simply, yeah. Yeah.

So, maybe. I always feel like it sounds like what two married gnomes might have on an evening in. A bit of gnocchi.

Oh, lovely. Anyway, I love, can I say, I really love gnocchi. I think it's

the most underrated of the Italian foods. I often have gnocchi in an Italian it's the most underrated of the Italian foods. I often have gnocchi in an Italian restaurant. As a main, I'm talking about. Because that's brilliant. Because can I say I really loathe gnocchi. It's one of my worst things ever. We'll get on to that. I think it's, I see it as the sort of the Susan Boyle of the Italian cuisine. That it's very beautiful. It's, you know, it's talented and everything, but it doesn't, it never...

Is it, though? And then it's taken a while for it to emerge. And I feel this story that you're talking about, I'm now aware of, which is a sort of sad, knocky story, as it's to do with a kidnapping. It's the kidnapping. It is like when Susan Barr suddenly came into the public eye

because now everyone's talking gnocchi. Well, there was a truckload of gnocchi. It's worth over... You're going to persevere with gnocchi, aren't you? I love you for that. Oh, I'm going to persevere with the correct pronunciation. Apologies.

Well, we don't know that for certain. We haven't heard from that Italian yet, have we? No. I did, many times, but that's another story. Yes. It's worth, Frank, over $30,000. That's a lot. I'm not going to...

It's Australian dollars. So that's about half. Yeah, about 15 grand. So this happened in Brisbane Rizzy They were dropping supplies Someone was Off to a restaurant And the restaurant owners

I mean they were horrified When this happened They're worried that this has now been passed on To the black market There's a black market for gnocchi I think it's more likely to have been passed on to the farmers market to be fair I mean who is on the black market

sort of catapult enthusiasts anyway it's lovely they'd made it we should say there's two guys known as the gnocchi brothers or gnocchi brothers aren't they known as the Gnocchi Brothers is that right or Gnocchi Brothers

yeah all that aren't they known as the Gnocchi Gnocchi Brothers it's a double so good they named it twice I think see if they'd gone for the singular

I think Gnocco Gnocco sounds like a knock knock joke doesn't it yeah I miss that and they own a restaurant

called the Gnocchi Shop it's not called that no it's not it's not called I got you made it sound disgusting I got that it's not it's not i got it it sounds disgusting i got that bit wrong the food's disgusting no their food is well apparently their knocky is sort of i you know i'm not i'm not again i'm not on a retainer from the knocky

knocky brothers nick knocky not nicky knocky new but um apparently they they're they're knocky is but apparently their gnocchi is legendary and they have like gnocchi restaurants that just specialise in gnocchi or gnocchi which gnocchi Wilson that's what they say if you can call Wilson

gnocchi Wilson would have been brilliant they've missed so many opportunities I thought they should have called the restaurant yeah gnocchi oh man it causes endless possibilities They've missed so many opportunities. They should have called the restaurant. Yeah. Knock. Oh, man.

Because it's endless possibilities. Did they find any of this missing knocker on Heaven's Door? Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We've heard from Richard. Hey, we've just had an email. Oh, yeah, no, go on, Al. Have you, Emily?

No, you, Al. I feel I should read this rather than you. Spare your blushes. Frank, Emily has the correct pronunciation. Although I am not Italian, I lived in Italy for four years and speak Italian very well. I have an A pass in AS Italian as well. Richard.

Okay, Richard, thank you. That's about the gnocchi conversation. Gnocchi. Fair enough. We've now established it's gnocchi. Frank, can I just say, you accepted that. We didn't say that, but I did. So great.

No, I thought it was lovely the way he did it. Oh, really? It was one of the best I've ever heard him. I mean, this is an English guy. Some English guy. There you go, Al. It didn't take long. I mean, just because he wasn't corrected by the polite Italians. Okay. No, no, okay.

How do you say sore loser in Italian? Gnocchi. Yes, gnocchi. I don't gno. You know what? For that, for that alone, I let you off. One thing I like... We've been discussing this shirt.

You know, these guys are like... They're seen as like super businessman types now because of the success of the Knocky Knocky... Knocky Knocky... Knockin' Shop. And they... Knocky Wilson. They gave... In the midst of this interview about being robbed,

they gave a little thing about starting your own business. I thought, all right. And they said, don't listen to the naysayers, which is what they told me when I started at the local stables. I like that. That was a bit cool. They also said, they said,

I hope the truck is returned, but for God's sake, I pray that they treat the gnocchi with care. Please don't throw it out. It's a beautiful, fresh gnocchi. Is it a refrigerated truck? Yes. Well, here's this one.

It's a refrigerated truck and $ guessing thousand dollars worth of gnocchi I'm guessing it's a buyer's market fresh gnocchi because it's not gonna last that long is he doesn't refrigerated truck continue to refrigerate once you switch the engine off there's a tree falling in a forest. Yeah. Do you think it does, Al? I think it must do, yeah. Sure, it'd be like an ice cream van because they don't just chill while the engine's on, do they?

Oh, no, maybe they do because they all leave their engine running, don't they? They're not allowed anymore, excuse me. Anyway, what I like about this story is that it's sort of inspiring for food thieves, although I think the absolute protocol is that we disapprove of theft. Indeed. But I think most food theft is when you say stuff like,

oh, look at that, a flying cow, and then you steal a chip off somebody's plate. Most food theft is like single chip, maybe double chip if you're really ambitious. is like single chip, maybe double chip if you're really ambitious. But £30,000 worth of gnocchi in a refrigerated van is really like, they've raised the stakes a bit there, haven't they? Yeah, I think they've raised the stakes. Don't bring stakes into it. They probably saw it parked somewhere and they probably thought, well, opportunity gnocchis.

Anyway, watch my show this week. Yes, watch my show on Tuesday night, Sky Arts. We were in Somerset last week with Wordsworth and Coleridge, but this week, where do we go from here? Down to the lake, I fear. We'll be in the Lake District. Check it out. And thank you for listening to us today.

And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now get out