The Frank Skinner Show - Martin Mingle

Episode Date: May 15, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been on The One Show and done a webinar. The team also discuss the Brits, the new Jaffa Cake donut and posh personality traits.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text this show on 81215. I love it when you do that. You can follow this show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. I also like that. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Perhaps best of all. Okay. Let's open with a query from the outside world. Okay.

From Gary Armstrong. What are the chances of you coming to Abu Dhabi, Frank? I don't know. Where is it? It's one of those places I only hear about in the context of Manchester City I know nothing else about it we've also had a lot of people Fran Robo being one of them loved you on the one show tonight you seem to have a story about everything yes that is true that is the advantage of being senior. I could listen to you all day. Oh, that's lovely. That's not from my partner, Kat.

Oh, Justin Gillum says, I'm sorry, but that was the best episode of The One Show there's ever been. Don't be sorry, Justin. Well, I tell you what, Frank, he's added in The One Show, so that's handy for you. Oh, yeah, it is good. You'll get asked back. I mean, I felt it was one of those nights I was a little bit crowbarry.

Oh, yeah. You know when the questions aren't quite good enough and you have to move the answers a bit of a distance away from them? I thought I've got some good answers here. If you're not going to ask the right questions, I'm going to do them anyway. So it was one of those. Don't alienate them. No, no, I love them. I really

Alex Jones is one of my favourite television. I could tell you a story about her being very, very kind to a young girl that I know but I won't go into it, but she's a lovely woman. And Ronan, the only man ever to wave to me on stage when I

arrived at a gig. Oh, yeah. What a a guy but it was great and uh james corden of course was on the big screen i made the point that i've done a few chat shows of late with some people on the big screen oh nice and i find they tend to put the the what we might call the top end celebrities on the big screen because their management don't want to risk them in the studio, whereas my manager's probably thinking, well, get him in there, this could save me an awkward conversation somewhere down the line when I drop him. So, yeah, you're always sitting there with these great stars

ten times bigger than you are on the screen. You think, all right, I get it. I get the point. I also miss the satellite delays of yesteryear. Do you remember that? Do you remember that? Yeah. You'd say, so how's it going in New York today?

And there was a terrible wait. And we were all so accepting and tolerant of it. Yeah. Now there was a terrible wait. And we were all so accepting and tolerant of it. Yeah. Now, it'll be off. Still,

it was, I like The One. It's a very pleasant experience, The One Show. I must say. That's good. You should put that

on a little Google review. Do you think? Yeah, I'm sure. A very pleasant experience. Trip advisor. I wonder if One Show have got a trip advisor. Do you think when they named, I'm sure. A very pleasant experience. Trip advisor. I wonder if one show have got a trip advisor. Do you think when they named the one show

that the BBC were anticipating it being so popular there would be a two show which was on BBC Two and was a little bit more edgy than the one show and then they never quite got the momentum? Yeah. That's a shame. I wonder if that's... I know they were going to do a four show

where they all... On BBC Four, yeah. They were talking about poetry and smoke. Well, basically they'd have a lot of old Top of the Pops and that's basically what BBC Four used to be, people talking about poetry. Yeah. Now it's mainly Top of the Pops,

which is fine. I'll tell you something about BBC Four, we don't really plug TV shows that we aren't anything to do with. No. But there is a Delia Derbyshire documentary on BBC4 Sunday night about the woman who at least partly devised... Are you with me? Yeah.

Doctor Who theme, BBC Radio workshop, radiophonic workshop. It'll be great. Al, you've gone very quiet. You're not going to be tuning into the Delia Derbyshire documentary. Yeah. I was actually passing out whether or not that was the Doctor Who theme tune or not. No, no, sorry, I can't do it as well as the BBC Radio Phonic Workshop. I don't know the equipment here.

It's not got the production values, has it? There's probably so many buttons and switches around me. I mean, doing this show is like sitting in a 747. I mean, most of them. It's like my car dashboard. I probably know what three of them do and the rest are just strangely symboled things. What about when the cup of coffee

comes up? Have you ever had that on your car? No. Oh, I have a cup of coffee on mine. What does that mean? Alright, Al, calm down. I believe it means it might be time for you to have a stop. Have a motorway stop. This car senses

that you're driving. you know there's people listening to this whose cars don't have cup holders let alone reminders people who do you remember the thing when i learned to drive where you're supposed to put a pint of beer on your bonnet and if you could change gear without it spilling then you've got a nice smooth gear change in action. Wow. It's lovely to encourage a pint of beer on the bonnet. Most drivers add a pint of beer with them, so they might as well put it on the bonnet. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were just reminiscing about the choke on a car and how to use it.

Any younger people listening, just trust me on it. It's the thing that you pulled out or pushed in. If there's any organists listening, you'll get a sense of it. Is there one on there? Well, they pull out the stops, don't they? That's their thing. Is that where the phrase comes from? I believe so, yeah.

They don't drive the younger people don't they no no i think they do no i think there's a record um low in people taking their driving test apparently because they they take that you know they have the bike and they're you know they're very environmentally friendly. Skateboard, of course. Oh, yeah. The pogo stick. The electric scooter thing. And those middle-aged men you see on those little children's scooters going around. Oh, what do you make of them? I think they're fine, fine people.

Did you watch the Brits this week? I'm still getting the way you said fine. Did somebody arrive on a scooter? No. The Brits. I. I'm still getting over the way you said five. Did somebody arrive on a scooter? No. I don't think they did. I can't remember. Somebody arrived

on a tube train, I think. We've had someone in touch re the Brits, though. Oh, yeah. It's Matthew

who says, following Frank's who knew moment after he discovered Little Mix the other year. Oh, yeah. I just wondered if Frank had watched The Brits this week and did he have a Who Knew moment this year?

Very fine work on The One Show, by the way. Oh, The One Show. The owls were cute, but Frank had better lines. Well, there were owls. I'll tell you what they did to me on The One Show, in case you didn't see. At the end, they read out about five or six viewers' texts about things they'd liked on the show, which didn't include me.

It included a bit of footage of owls in bright daylight, which must have been the BBC saying, the bloke must have said, they're nocturnal. Just get, we can't film at night. Can you just get them out? Isn't that a bit like when people are kept awake by enemy armies? Yeah, I think it was.

Sleep deprivation, torture of elves. They must have looked terrible. They must have had very puffy eyes. Elves in bright daylight. I mean, that can't be right, can it? Peter Stringfellow in bright daylight. You know what it's like with these camera crews? Yeah, the thing is, we can't hang around all day, mate.

So anyway, so they read out these texts at the end saying, oh, I love James Corden, he's brilliant. Oh, I love the wildlife. Nothing. And I said to them, if I'd have been hosting the show, I would have made one up about me. I was the only person there. It was only me and them.

Everyone else was on video. Did the owls turn up in person? No. Even the owls manager arranged for them. I think there was a stoat or something in the same footage. And they got praise. You know, big up for the stoat. Nothing for me.

I would have made that op, personally. You know, it's all about, the word guest is the key, you'll be intrigued. So I watched The Brits, which featured, which I think, almost now already legendary version of It's a Sin by Sir Elton John, whose version was I think he had one of those

you know those clamps people used to have on their teeth to stop them eating I think he's working in one of them at the moment but Ollie Alexander did the main lead vocal who's the guy from the drama It's a Sin. He sings like a boy. He sings like a boy. I didn't even know he was a singer.

Yes, he was in a band, wasn't he? But there is a problem I have with It's a Sin. You know the bit that goes... It's the same. You know the bit that goes... I always go, baby, I love you. And it absolutely leads you into the Barry Manilow. Has anyone done a nice little remix of that?

I don't know, but if there's anyone out there who knows the buttons, you can have that one on me. He's drowning. He's drowning! He's drowning! Get someone out and drown him! Oh, God. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We, on this radio show, were given letters a few months ago. Not lettuce, letters, saying that we're key workers. Yeah? I'm very proud of it. If you're a broadcaster, apparently, there's an element of good morning Vietnam. You know, we're, again, in the war zone still broadcasting and I noticed at the Brits that the audience said

it's all key workers tonight and I was like, oh really? Frank! I don't think I got the... Oh Frank, for heaven's sake Come on I think it was NHS wasn't it? Yeah, it wasn't just NHS

Look, I'm not begrudging the NHS, but, you know, there must have been the odd single seat. They always say that. There's always a single seat empty somewhere. You can't go on your own. I'd have gone on my own, sat with the NHS. Imagine sitting there going, I've had this thing in my shoulder.

Any ideas? No, you'd be going, they're going, hello, Frank Skinner, key worker. Can you let me through, please? I'm key worker. It's a good job there were some nurses in the audience for Elton. How did he look, Elton? Did he have one of those nice, versace jaquitos?

He looked good. No shell suit. Sans shell, he was. He was? Well, I suppose in lockdown he's been wearing track suits all the time. Yeah, I bet he has. So it's nice to get dressed up. He's had enough of them, Al.

No, I thought he looked pretty good, actually. He looked like one of those, you know, those sort of older American stars who sort of age gracefully. I think the piano is better for an older man than the guitar. Yeah. Sitting down, you know, someone to lean on. Yeah. So he worked well on that.

And, of course, he's next to Olly Alexander, who looks like he weighs seven stone and he's in tremendous shape and sings like a boy. Like a boy. So he's a tremendous... I tell you what, it was a night very... I've never seen so many collaborations. It was a

collab fest. Was it? Who else do they have? Oh, it was always, you know, there were always people like Tyro Z and MC Mingle. They're all called stuff, but I don't know. MC Mingle's in a lot of collaborations.

Yeah, he's good, MC Mingle. He's very gregarious. He's a real of collaborations. Yeah, he's good, MC Mingle. Very gregarious. He's a real social butterfly. Yeah, he is, right? Yeah. And MC is actually his initials. He's like H. Samuel. It's like Martin Christopher Mingle.

But Martin Mingle, he thought, people didn't take him seriously in the grime world so he went for MC I love the idea of a people called Martin but I love that Martin mingle now with who no you guys not an option

not an option in the grime universe yes but good luck to him he's fictional why am I wishing him good luck when I just made him up it's like being God think of them and you're going to start being nice to them straight away Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio as you know I've spoken before on this show about I am absolutely gobsmacked by any collaboration that anyone has got the courage to go up to someone and say, do you fancy doing this thing together? Yeah, but I know that's because it didn't go so well

when you wrote to Alan Bennett. No. Well, he was nice, Alan Bennett. Well, if anyone doesn't know... Yeah, I asked him if you wanted to write... Me and him should write a play together. You wrote to him? Yeah, this was like 25 years ago when I was, you know,

come on, how are we going? And I don't know if I was quite right. I don't know if we'd really work well together. What did he say? He sent a lovely letter about I'm not a very good collaborator, I think was what he said. Oh, so cool.

Or was that from Maurice Chevalier to the Nuremberg Committee? I can't remember. So cool. Or was that from Maurice Chevalier? To the Nuremberg Committee. I can't remember. But anyway, it fell through the Skinner-Bennett play, which is fair. No, no, but I just... Fell at the first hurdle, actually, if you think about it. But Al, have you ever approached another comedian

and said, why don't we do something together? Have you ever approached another comedian and said, why don't we do something together? Have you ever tried that? I think Nando's is probably the most I've ever approached another comedian for. Shall we go for lunch? Oh, yeah, even that. See, I can't even do that from fear of rejection. Very proud, very proud animal, the comic. Yeah, but imagine, the example I always use is the Wimbledon single.

Somebody went up to Martina Navratilova and said, what about me and you being a double steam? What? Well, what about you and David Baddiel?

Who are two? That's what I was thinking. Do you remember how the collab? Did it just blossom organically? Exactly. You've been in a very famous collab. I think, I'm sure he came to me. Oh, God.

David, if you're listening, I'm sure you'll put it straight. By the way, the producer just told us, speaking of collabs, that the Pet Shop Boys were due to do that with Olly Alexander. And then they pulled out... She said last minute, but she's, you know, Ollie Alexander. And then they pulled out, um, she said last minute, but she's, you know, terrible gossip. She's not. I remember when I did the Royal Variety.

Do you remember that? Very discreet. Remember when I did the Royal Variety, Rod Stewart pulled out on the day. What did he? What happened? Oh, he had problems with his trousers. He woke up and he hadn't got a sore throat.

Good jingles, good one. That's worth a jingle. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, I wonder what happened with the pet. It might be some terrible, tragic thing so we shouldn't probably dwell on it. It's essentially a light-hearted radio show. It might be some terrible, tragic thing, so we shouldn't probably dwell on it. I mean, it's essentially a light-hearted radio show.

It might just be that they put on their jeans and realised that they've... Didn't fasten. They've got a bit of a bulge from lockdowns. When I was on the one show, that was my second suit. I put the first suit on and I couldn't fasten the trousers. Tragic. I've got various

phases in my life where the suits are from, where I was a bit bigger. That's my safety suits. But I like to try one of the slim period suits just to see. But it didn't work at all. Just letting you know, a little bit of behind the scenes

there on the Frank Skinner show. I know. I know you guys love a bit of that, eh? Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Oh, I did a webinar this week. Lovely. Do you know what a webinar this week. Lovely. Do you know what a webinar is?

It's an online seminar, is it not? Well, yes. I hadn't heard the term before. I've got to be straight with you. Quite common. It was a... Oh, sorry. You've been drinking from my cup, Al.

I did a webinar on the subject of maths anxiety and it's about kids who the minute maths comes up they panic and I was that child this is not me trying to sort it out late

I'm doing it on behalf of my child but they talked about this thing I find interesting, the growth although many would say that is you trying to sort it out. Oh, maybe. Maybe. Good point. Oh, God, I wish we could do a webinar on that. Anyway, they talked about growth mindset and fixed mindset.

So fixed mindset is I'm no good at maths. And fixed mindset. So fixed mindset is I'm no good at maths. Growth mindset is I'm going to get better at maths by working hard at it. And I think we were talking about it, me and my partner. She's very fixed in the, I'm no good at that. Remember I once told you I had convinced myself if I had a fight with a lion, that I really feel I could come on top by a series of, you know, underhand tactics.

I think as long as you're holding the neck so the teeth can't get at you and getting close to the chest so the claws are slightly... Then you attack the nether regions hard. You're getting sodden and hard. And there is part of me like, if somebody said to me, we need a new opera for the Royal Opera House,

I reckon I could come up with one. I've just got that. Is it? I was about to say I'm not like that and then I realised that I once said I could easily beat Usain Bolt in the 100 metres. Exactly, exactly. I think I'm of your mindset.

So what does that make me? That makes you a growth mindset. Which one are you, Al? Well, I'm quite fixed mindset, but you guys aren't growth mindset. You're deluded, I think, is the problem here. Listen, that's someone with a fixed mindset. Do you know, that's exactly what... You don't think I could write an opera?

We must have all fantasised of having a really good musician who you can just go to... And they'll go... And you think, write that down. Write that down, Geoff. That's the opening. Write that down, Geoff. That's the opening. I think it's great that you're thinking like this. Write that down, Geoff.

Poor Geoff. Print it, Geoff. Print it. Geoff is so long-suffering. If I could find a Geoff who was suitably talented slash subservient to take that role, I could write an opera in a week. And I don't mean an opera. I mean an opera which would tour the world. I could be wrong. I think the person that came up with the fixed versus growth mindset was a professor called Dweck, D-W-E-C-K.

Oh, good knowledge. I think it might have been disputed now. I think it might not be as powerful as we once thought it was. Don't undermine my maths anxiety webinar, Al. Let me dream a little, will you? Or maybe I am. That is such a fixed mindset thing to say.

Yeah, I mean, come on, Al. You are so fixed. I think it's an interesting idea. I love it. I honestly think now I could... Not physical things. I'm not saying I could be heavyweight champion of the world.

That is ridiculous. I don't think I could do that. I genuinely still think I could... I would be in top three position of the 100 metres, though. Oh, it's all right to have growth mindset when it comes to you. You're writing operas. I know, but... I'm not allowed to get a bronze.

Yeah, but I'm not racing. I'm not doing physical things. You know, I've at least come to terms with that. You're fighting a lion. Oh, just get out. Get off me. Maybe we should go to the... This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. It's an interactive thing, you see,

so your involvement makes it a richer and more vibrant experience for all of us. There you go. Fair summary, I think. I didn't mention the 50 put in it. I thought that would have dragged it down. No. Yeah.

But I do, while you're there, while we're all here, I would like to take us back to last week's show because our readers... I wish we had some music that went... Until we went back, but I don't. I've got something a little bit mystical and whimsical. We're back.

We're back in last week. That's a lovely blast. I know I'm doing the show down the line so you can't see it, but I was actually crouching down and doing that dancing where I stick my leg out. Oh, I'd love to have seen that. You're doing the Cossacks. That's right, yeah.

I'd love to have seen that. I love Al doing the Cossacks. It's surprising that I'm not out of breath, really. You know what? I'm not surprised that you aren't. I know how fit you are. I can see you, though, with a bear coming into view, and then you might have a little wrestle.

It used to be very much like if there was a variety show on the TV. You'd get those blokes dancing with their bomb six inches off the stage. Yeah, what happened to those guys? Yeah. Probably a lot of them danced on the toilet cubicles and were cancelled. So I'm imagining. So I'm guessing it went for those guys.

Igor, you're the last one. You've seen too much. So we're going to return to last week's show, Frank. Yes. Do you remember? return to last week's show, Frank. Yes. Do you remember? Back to last week? Yeah. OK.

Let's give me a stiff knee now. Oh, sorry. We should have warned you then how to get under. Al's still under the coffee table. What about Al? He's ended his entire career. Yeah, I know. Served him right.

He knew what he was doing. I'd like to take you back to That'll Do lyrics. Do you remember that, Frank? Yes, towards the end of last. I mentioned that one of my favourite lyricists is Elvis Costello, who wrote many, many excellent lyrics um but even Homer nods and he did write one where he was I was seriously thinking about he was talking about his radio getting on his nerves I was seriously thinking about hiding the receiver when the switch broke because it's

old and I had a friend who was also an Elvis costeller and we always, when that became on, went, oh. Oh, we should have reworked that. That was the thing when Elvis must have said, oh, that'll do. It'll do. Be fine. And we were talking about lyrics that sounded like they've just been

shoved in to fill the gap. And I think we've got a couple of good ones and then we thought we'll save it for next week. So let's hear them. Well, we've had a few. Paul Jefferson has been in touch regarding Boney M. Rah, rah, Rasputin.

Yeah. They objected to, it was a shame how he carried on. It was a shame how he carried on. It was a shame how he carried on. Yes, it was, though. He was a gigolo and a heavy drinker. It's like saying, he's a little bit naughty, Rasputin. I like that bit in Kung Fu Fighting when they say, the guy's the fastest lightning,, it was a little bit frightening.

Yeah. And it was a moment where someone is celebrating something. There's a moment of honesty where their self appears, and they say, I'm going to be straight with you about this, though. For all our admiration, it was a little bit frightening. And then we have Seedler, the Seedler. Oh, yeah. And then we have Seedler, the Seedler. Oh, yeah. Who's pointed out the very disappointing from Doe a Deer in The Sound of Music.

Obviously, we have my favourite. I know what this is going to be. Go on. Is it going to be La, a note to follow, so? Yes. Yes. It was a pity. If only they'd been more familiar with the Liverpool accent.

Yes. They could have come up with something for La. If anyone out there has got a... It's in the song, you get, it's a... And it's a way of remembering Do, Re, Mi, Fa, et cetera. So everyone, Do, Re, Mi, Fa, et cetera. Do, Re, Mi, Fa, et cetera. You must know this.

Me, a name I call myself. Ray, a drop of gold. But when they get to La a needle pulling thread, La a note to follow so is something of I mean that'll do that'll do Max but if anyone's got a good La

other than the Liverpool thing which I've already kicked out there let's try and mend that, shall we? Because it's been broken a long time. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were just discussing ultimate make-do lyrics, as it were. I worked with Boney M, by the way. Did you?

You worked with them all. I did a gig with Boney M, yeah. For the... Worked with them all. Very sort of American-friendly, if you know what I mean. Oh, yeah? Not real friendly, American-friendly. Oh, OK.

No, it's about striking ladies tall. So I remember it. Striking ladies. Tall. So I remember it. Striking ladies. I remember at the end of it, I was in the green room and the Chippendales were in there. Oh, yeah. In there. Remember, they used to wear like a bow tie and collar,

but no shirt. I think they had the coughs. Oh, they always had the coughs, Frank. Tremendous physiques. Yeah. But they were really staring at me. And I was thinking, how am I going to get out of here? It really kept... And I thought, why are they...

And then I realised I was standing next to the mirror. And they were literally just looking across at themselves. God bless them. And then years later, I was following them in... Not in the street, but in Edinburgh. I was in the show after. I was on after. And one of them left his shoe behind

because they get completely naked at the end of the act. I was astonished. No coughs, no collars. Yeah. And one of them left his shoe, and I got one of my crew to run up the road after them and return the shoe. I didn't want them to be worrying about it. And apparently they didn't say thank you or anything.

So that's them written off. Oh, that's the shoe. Chip and Dale's. Chip on shoulders. That's the shoe. That's what I call them. Anyway, we were saying. Chippy males.

Chippy males, exactly. Spot on. Spot on, Cochran. Thank you. I'd like to return to last week when we were doing our That'll Do lyrics. One of the ones that we had in as a late top contender and agreed to return to this. 342 texted, the ultimate

make-do lyric, of course. Is somebody eating crisps there? No. I was actually wiping my hands because I'd been eating crisps. Sure, boss, sure. The ultimate make-do lyric, of course, is the movement you need is in your

shoulder from Hey Jude. It was just a marker until Paul thought of something better, but in the end they just went for it. Yes. Where does that bit go? Movement you need is in your shoulder. Oh, no, that's not good, is it? Do you not like that?

I mean, people talk about Hey Jude because there's a lot of na-na, na-na-na-na, but the movement you need... Is that from the Long John Silver book of parrot rearing? The movement you need is in your shoulder. LJ Silver would be the, if it was a quote that you had on the thing. Well of course there's one that my eight year old. I can hear Lucky. Say hello. I think that's my dog barking, everyone.

No, I heard it, yeah. Yeah, she doesn't often, but she's having a go today. Are you being berg? Should you go and have a look and see if you're being berg? No, I don't think so. I think it'll probably be some kind of bird life in the garden that she's angry at. OK, fair enough.

She's got anger issues down there. Sorry to hear that. Anyway, my son I've mentioned before is mad about Alice Cooper. That is his current obsession. And he even draws Alice Cooper eyes on his hand and stuff. Anyway, he was on about the line in... Well, I told you he said to me recently, a walk frank he said you know alice cooper's had the jab i know well he i told you this he said to me he'd like to phone up alice cooper and say what about penicence because you know

the bit in schools out where he says we ain't got no innocence we can't even think of a word that rhymes and i said penicence isn't a word he said he doesn't say it has to be a proper word and i said imagine alice cooper who how did you get my number under penicence what do you mean penicence who is this big i'd be a great moment. But that, we can't even think of a word that rhymes. That's not good enough, is it? Come on, Alice. Pull your slightly blackened finger out. I've heard we've had a few Lars suggestions. Oh, yeah, that would have improved Lars and Out to Follow, so...

Can I tell you what I like? Mm-hm. A big fan of his work is Peter Cunningham. Lars, a posh bloke telling fibs. Come on. That's good. That's good. Isn't that brilliant?

Yeah. That's really good. Peter Cunningham. Yeah. Why, see, you'd have been in the Rogers and Hammerstein office. Should have been Rogers and Cunningham. Yeah, exactly. Come on.

That would have been great. That was better. It's actually better. I mean, I don't know if people would know what a posh bloke was. And then Paul Lewis has La a Scouser's Bessie mate. Yeah. But at least it's descriptive. Yeah, no, it's good.

It's good, and it scans beautifully. Yeah, we've had some lovely ones. And I like that I did Bessie as well. If we're going to go colloquial, let's hit the ceiling with it. And Keith Newman has put, sorry, I'll just round up the Lars, has said, it doesn't scan.

I love the idea, but it needs a bit of work. He's got Lar, a Teletubby that's not Poe. Well, yeah. It's nearly there. 199 has also suggested Lar, who is good mates with Poe, which I think scans. Oh, they've gone there. So it's the one called Lar, then, one of the...

Yes. Oh, yeah. Is it Larlot, though? called La then one of the... Yes. Oh. Is it La Lot though? I think it might be La. We'll abbreviate it. I think Cunningham's in first place at the moment. Okay, yeah. I like to think that we're on first vowel terms with La La. Yeah, maybe you're right.

If they went to a public school, it would be their surname that people called La. It was probably La Minor and La Major if La La's brother was there as well. I don't know if they went to public school, the Teletubbies. Wouldn't be surprised. In those days, it was a way in, wasn't it?

It was a foot in the door for the BBC. It was, yeah. To the TV industry. It was. There's no getting round it. We've heard some Alice Cooper... Sorry, Al. 396 has suggested a fill-in lyric is in true by Spandau Ballet, which apparently has the line, why do I find it hard to write the next line? Oh, yes, it does.

Well, I'm afraid, while we're on the subject of spandau ballet we've had a few in regarding them because uh in the same song in true we've had helen in hartfordshire point out i bought a ticket to the world but now i've come back again can you expand on that trip, please? Very nice. I remember I knew a woman back in Stourbridge when I lived there. And apparently she had said her and her husband were going to go on a world cruise. And they said to the daughter, we're going to go on a world cruise you want to come with us? and she said can't we go somewhere else? so yeah

Das ist das oh sorry I've just got one more spanner about it I've just thought of myself Frank at the beginning of Gold I mean absolute banger, that song. I'm sure we'll all agree. Yeah.

But I've never... Do you remember when Christian O'Connell on this ferry station agreed to play it every time Great Britain got a gold? And then that year we got about 28 golds. Driving people absolutely insane. Well, the first few lines of that... Oh, he says, thank you for coming home. He says, and Tony says,

sorry that the chairs are all worn. I left them here. I could have sworn. Well, are they missing or threadbare? Yeah. Make your mind up. That is. He should have said gone.

Yeah. Yeah. Again, it's nice, isn't it, mending these things, because they've been left and we can go back and just give them a bit light reupholstery. Yeah. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

I'd like to bring some breaking news to your attention. It's food news, which I think we're all interested in. Jaffa Cakes are releasing a Jaffa Cake version of a doughnut. And they're calling it Jaffa Joe-nuts. Oh, yes. I'm not happy with that. Already the weariness, Al. The weariness of the man.

These people who are paid to come up with the brand names couldn't do any better than Jaffa Joe Nuts. It's just not... I mean, they couldn't use this, but it did occur to me that by making it a doughnut, they're actually stealing a bit of the middle, aren't they? Well, I think you called them half a cakes. Oh, nice.

But that would be just too much of an own goal, they'd be admitting to. Well, they just call it a cheek. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Has it gone a bit Bill Qualey? It's gone a bit Bill Qualey. I was thinking Jaffo Cakes. Oh, yeah.

And the O would be the actual chocolate O of the day. Also, it sounds like one of your West Brom mates as well. Jaffo Cakes. Yeah, they've often got an O on the end of their name. One of our Irish listeners probably went to school with someone called Jaffa Cakes. Almost certainly.

When supermarkets do their own brand of Jaffa Cakes, have any of them called it Jaffa Fakes? Oh man, we are absolutely rocking now. If they had a Jaffa Cake tribute band, that would be a great name for them, wouldn't it? Do you remember?

Yeah, I don't see that happening. There was a band called Orange Juice or something. It could be something involved with that. Jaffa Fakes. Do you remember Salt and Lineker? I do. When Walkers had... And they had Cheese and Owen.

Yeah. So they used footballers. I think David Seaman is still waiting by the phone. Oh, come on Frank. That's really not the football report at this time of day. If they could have got an endorsement with Rafa Benitez. It could have

been Rafa Cakes. I mean, come on. Imagine his big smiley face. They could have got him to wear one, like those life things they throw overboard if you fall off a ship. A big one of those with him grinning inside. His big Spanish smile. Oh, lovely.

Oh, I think I'll have me a Raffa cake. Or his players. The players actually playing for him at the time had a joke called them gaffer cakes oh that's good we've got to stop this now yeah Frank Skinner

Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Absolute Radio sometimes songs get tampered with and it's fine like the Robin Hood theme

is used by one of the adverts that we play. You know, the old Robin Hood, Robin Hood. I'm fine with it. It seems to work. But this was such a song I thought was such a cool song to become crumb believable. Oh, what about Backstreet? Everybody, chicken satay.

Oh, no, you're joking. Yes, they took the cash. Oh, wow. Come on. I have, they took the cash. Oh, wow. Come on. I have to say it's worked. I have to say it's worked. I'm now slightly hungry for chicken sauté. I'd like to have heard Elton John go,

sauté, sauté, sauté, sauté, sauté. You will, Oscar, you will. I don't know. I think he doesn't need the money, does he, EJ? I know, but he spends a lot. These types spend a lot. He does, he's quite a spenny. He's a fast-living type.

It's like two million quid on flowers, wasn't it? Two million quid on loo paper. Ultra mug is the type that have black loo paper. That's what the real potions have. Oh, that's right, yeah. Oh, I don't like that. No one's asking you. have black loo paper. That's what the real cofferings have. Oh, that's right, yeah. Oh, I don't like that. No-one's asking you. No, black toilet paper.

Simon Cowell has it. I mean, how do you know? Oh, frying. So... Let's clean things up. I've got some breaking news. Oh, yeah? And this is actually a big reveal in the article

about the Jaffa Cake doughnuts. Apparently, the chocolate bit about the Jaffa Cake donuts apparently the chocolate bit of the Jaffa Cake is the bottom of the cake not as popular people would think what is a popular thought would be the top of the cake would be the chocolate bit take that back

that is honestly the thing is when I eat a Jaffa cake which I don't do that often I'll be straight with you but I did in my youth that's fair

that took open courage to admit that but the sponge I used the sponge as a sort of a plate because once you break the chocolate on the top you don't want shards of chocolate falling onto the floor from the broken chocolate. If you eat

it upside down it'll be like when a skylight implodes there'll be chocolate dropping in I think they've I can understand that they make it like that there's a reservoir of chocolate that they float along like little...

They dunk it in, yeah, yeah. Like the Cockleshell Heroes. Well, they've described it. A spokesperson for McVitie's. Oh, easy job. Do you think so? Yeah. Talking about biscuits all day.

It's way easier than writing jokes. Can you imagine them being really serious though Al saying hello could Gareth Dickinson give me a call back re-hobnobs

I mean can you imagine and he just looks at his piece of paper that just says stuff like crumbly and delicious and then he phones him back

it's a doddle isn't it crumblievable hyphen it's been done but that's in the notebook. Yeah. Well, the spokes... I bet they get a lot of free stuff, though.

Yeah. I mean, if you're the spokesperson for McVitie's and you say, I'm having a kid's party, you're going to get a big crank come round of JCs, Jaffos, Jaffo cakes. Do you never pull the ripcord? I mean, it'd be tough not to. No, I think you... I think you...

After a bit, you go mad at first and then you learn a little restraint, I think. It's good, that insight into working for McVitie. Yeah. Frank Skin, who's never set foot in there. Maybe they should have had... They should have had hat-shaped biscuits and called them

Jaff the Hat McVitie, which was the guy who the Cray's, I think, finally got arrested. In fact, I actually interviewed Charlie Cray, who was done for disposing of the bottle. I'm not sure whether he would have been appropriate for the brand.

Jaff the Hat. They don't have to go into all that on the packaging. They can just, you know, those who get it, get it, and those who don't, you know, can eat in oblivion. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Ultra Magnus, I do like to kick off a link with him because he's one of our regulars. We've been talking about Jaffa Cakes. They're not Jaffa Cakes. What are they called, Al? Oh, Jaffa Joe Nuts. Jaffa.

Jaffa O'Cakes is what they should be called. Ultra Magnus has said, while you're on the subject of pun foods, I'd like to know if there's an ice cream man who's calling himself the Wolf of Wall Street. If not, there's a gap in the market there. I hope so. And can you imagine how many locksmiths at the moment

are doing I'm a key worker jokes? Yes. Lucky them for having such an opportunity. Yeah, fair play. While we're on the subject of the punning food, we were discussing the Jaffa Joe nut. I had left you... Not a pun

really, is it? Just poor. Very poor. I'd referred to a spokesperson from McVitie's. If they'd met the Jaffa wheel, then they could have had a spokesperson. That's good.

Because of... Bill Qualley. Yes. From McVitie's, you were talking about the chocolate, boys, and where it was placed. Not this time on the top, but... On the bottom. I think they sail along a little river of chocolate

and gather it up. Sounds great. Can I say, the McVitie spokesperson described it thus. This... Someone has a text going off. Oh, yeah. Frank Skinner? I think it'll be Frank.

It's not me. It's not me. Alan Cocker. I haven't had a text since 2008. You have. You get Who Alerts. Oh, Who Alerts. They're not texts, though, I thought.

You got something about Terry Nation once. I saw it on your Nokia. Well, you know. Anyway, the McVitie spokesperson. This is becoming like Kubla Khan trying to finish it. The McVitie spokesperson. This is becoming like Kubla Khan trying to finish it. The McVitie spokesperson. I really want to know. He's been talking for two links.

He said nothing. I know how that feels. Tell me about it. I'll lead you into it. Emily, what did the McVitie's spokesperson have to say about these shenanigans? He or she. I said person. Said, you did.

This essentially enrobes the bottom in chocolate. They said it enrobes the bottom in chocolate. Kind of sleazy vibe. Enrobes, exactly. I'll tell you what I'm thinking of. so we can kind of sleazy vibe and robes exactly it's a bit I tell you what I'm thinking of I'm thinking

Alfred Molina in Boogie Night yes in that dressing that robe set it off from Firecrackers I got the right film

haven't I it's very yeah great scene it's very the enrobed chocolate I don't want an enrobed chocolate it's very it's a little bit playboy enrobed to me is dressing gown but definitely not straight from the shower oh enrobed to me is shower pending oh that's what i'm saying i do not want that in a

biscuit is it a biscuit or a cake i don't know if that's ever I'm saying. I do not want that in a biscuit. Is it a biscuit or a cake? I don't know if that's ever... It's a cake, it's the whole point. That tedious. It was a court case or something. I think it was... Apparently it was a tax thing, if you could prove it was one or the other.

You don't want to get sucked into that. I mean, I've paid a great deal of tax VAT over the years and it's good to know that it's rationalised in such a balanced and sensible way as people are talking about whether it's a biscuit or a cake. Oversharing radio. Sorry everyone. I thought the music was on. I paid a great deal

of tax over the years. Look at it. Breakfast radio show fan. I think I think the M3 is one of mine. Sometimes when we touch. Come on, everybody. The honesty is too much. I had a really big urge to sing that to a doctor once during what I thought was a rather too detailed medical.

I know, you told me that makes me sick. Yeah, it made me sick as well. Did it? It did eventually. It set the magic off a bit. Oh, no. Oh, no. Sometimes we get texts to the show that I just admire the brevity,

like how direct it is. We were talking about Jaffa Cakes moments ago. Jaffa Cake, cake or biscuit, that sort of thing. 019 has texted, Biscuits go soft, cakes go hard, love the show. Normally I don't read praise, but it felt like it just completed the sentence. It's good stuff.

Yeah, it's interesting. Apparently that's the thing. Do they have blood Jaffa Cakes? No, but as M and K have pointed out, they do have cherry Jaffa Cakes. No, but if you get a blood orange, I don't see why you can't have a blood Jaffa Cake. Oh, yeah, I'm not sure.

Wouldn't that be a nice little thing, a bit of red in the... Oh, no, that would be horrible. Okay. M&K has said, have you tried Cherry Jaffa Cakes Pure Decadence? Can you now say... I mean, are they maraschino cherries? That really doesn't appeal to me.

What about when I... I saw an expert. I was round a friend's house and he looked up the contents of Glace cherries and it said something like 67% cherry. And then we all said, so, get your notebook out. We'll see if we can work out what the hell else is in there. Quite a lot of different names for sugar. You don't really get that in the cocktail as much as one used to in our day. I'll tell you an interesting

Jaffa Cake fact. In Japan, they have green tea Jaffa Cakes. No. So the jelly is green tea flavoured. You heard it here first.

I don't know, I quite like it in itself. Done a bit of yoga. Well, I was brought... Sit down with a green tea jaffa cake. I was once brought... I think it might have been Jimmy Carr on a trip. I was brought some differently flavoured Kit Kats from Japan. I think he brought me home a green tea Kit Kat.

Oh, there you go. It's obviously very popular there. One of my great shocks was going to a McDonald's Kit Kat. Oh, there you go. It's obviously very popular there. One of my great shocks was going to a McDonald's in Korea. Not a McDonald's, sorry, I'm talking now about the queen of the junk foods, the KFC. I went to KFC and the batter was different.

You know that, the thing, the whole idea with the batter is that there's three main ingredients that are kept separately in Louisville, Kentucky and no one knows what they're all and it's a real big hoo-ha about it.

It was different. It was different texture. Alright, chicken man. Okay, just helping you out if you're on to Korea. You take your KFC as seriously as Emily takes cherries.

I do. Forewarned is forearmed for any happy days when you can go back to Korea and you stroll into a KFC. Maybe not quite what you expect. OK. I'd like to say that, but at the end I was a bit of a policeman.

Maybe we'll see. We'll see, shall we? Yeah. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We've had a text in from Ian Angle, regular correspondent, 740.

They do lots of various chocolates in the East. You must have heard of those Chinese whispers. Very funny. I can breathe out now. Felt a bit nervous then. Jeff Featherstone. Oh, he sounds my type of man. Yeah.

Ree Alice Cooper. My daughter had two guinea pigs, Olga and Alice. Olga was named after a guinea pig in a book, but Alice was because we couldn't think of anything that rhymed with Olga. Hence, Alice Cooper, we can't think of a word that rhymes. Oh, wow. That's very fine work. Lovely work, Geoff. Of course, my strange experience with Alice Cooper is I interviewed him on my long defunct chat show.

Interesting way of describing it. I honestly am. In the midst of the interview I experienced what the ancient Greeks used to call agape and I felt utter love for him but I mean a pure love for those of you

who believe in this sort of thing they some say some pontificate as we say in the Catholic Church that that is how we shall all feel for each other in the afterlife. You pay your money, it's actually a choice. But anyway, whatever it is, I felt this, and not like I was a big fan of his or anything.

Really? I don't know what it was, but I felt genuine human connection with him for about a minute and a half. And I couldn't tell him lest he should become embarrassed you don't want to be blushing in that makeup and um that's what you said to me a few times and you'd look like darth maul so um yeah it was very weird because i've had i've had it with you i remember once and we were

in the cafe and you went across the road to get something. As you walked back, I felt tremendous, but I mean, not love in the purest form. And I understood it with you. We're old friends, but Alice Cooper. Yeah. What do you talk about, Willis? Lewis Elliot Davis has got in touch. Doesn't he make those little lights that you get in things?

LED. Lovely. He says, regarding schools out, when performing live, Alice Cooper often replaces the word innocence with the word intelligence. Oh. It does work better when followed by we can't even think of a word that rhymes

Yeah, of course So how does it go then, the lyric? I'm all over this shot We ain't got no And that's all the things you haven't got Then we ain't got no innocence We can't even think of a word that rhymes Is what he says

Oh yeah Okay, we ain't got no intelligence, though. Seems very self-aware for these ebullient children. It's all gone a bit Pink Floyd the wall. Oh, what's that? Hey, Provost, leave those kids alone. Oh, you know, sometimes I just remember that and it makes me laugh. I often can't get the word, though.

I say purser. It's very embarrassing. I hate it when, you know, when someone retells one of your jokes and they get something slightly wrong that you've carefully crafted. I don't want to be that guy. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did either of you see this survey this week which listed the definitive 40 signs of being posh? Oh, yes.

Some surprising. Well, one thing it also said, it said 81% of people said having money doesn't make you posh. No, God knows. Thoughts and prayers, Frank. God knows, I've tried. 48% of people said they knew someone who they would consider properly posh. Okay.

Now, you definitely know someone posh, Frank, because the poshest person I've ever heard of was that doctor you met once. Oh, yes. Who said of his handwriting... He said, yes, when I did handwriting at school, I rather tried. And he also said I was taught by Traitor Blunt's brother. So it is, yeah, no one. And Emily, I know you have at your fingertips one of the the most neat

classifications of the difference between the working class and the posh and it's from seven op which in case you don't know is a regular documentary series that looks at kids as they've grown up every seven years it looks at. And they deliberately chose some working class kids and some very proper posh kids. And they interviewed, I don't know if anyone remembers, Tony, who went on to become a taxi driver. Did he want to be a jockey? Yeah, he said, I want to be a jockey.

And they asked him, the interviewer, the very 1960s Ernest BBC interviewer said, and what do you make of private school children? And he said, Tony responded, the portions, you just have to touch them. And there you have the difference. The portions, you just have to touch them. There you go. Yeah. So this survey had a list of things.

On this list were things, I don't know if you saw this, but a gilet, a coat of arms. Don't have either of those. I failed this test. A gilet, of course, is the very opposite of a coat of arms. Yes, very good. I don't have a coat of arms. I have a coat of Armani.

But that's it. Very good. Arga. Don't have that. You have that, Frank. I don't have an arga. You've got an arga. I have a coat of Armani. But that's it. Very good. Arga. Don't have that. You have that, Frank. I don't have an Arga. You've got an Arga. Oh, I don't get defensive. Oh, sorry.

I just have to touch it. I'm trying to think of it. It's the one somewhere I haven't noticed. No, we don't have an Arga. What were the other things? Wine cellar. I'll tell you what I do have. You've got a cellar, Al. One of the things that they said was bookshelves full of books

was one of the signs of the posh. I'm posh. Yeah. I'm posh. I've got books. I'm worried that people say that. I saw a thing on eBay. That makes lots of pubs posh.

Well, it's... I do find houses without books a bit strange. Yeah, but let me tell you something I was on eBay and I found I'm going to put this on our social media you could buy books I've bought a great many books on eBay

but this was a set of five green books To match the interior and it says decorative hardback antique vintage books and you buy them it doesn't say what their titles are

or anything you just buy them for their collars so I'm going to put it on our doodah because that was one of those what's gone wrong with the world moments. You buy books for the spine. The spine shade.

For decorative hardbacks, they call. Oh, no. I'll tell you something. Do you think that if you... Do you think you can spot posh people without hearing them speak? Absolutely. I'll tell you what I'm interested in...

First giveaway, red trousers. All this is generalised... Yeah, well, unless you're a B&Q. Or the circus. As a general... As a generalisation, I think there are more blonde posh people than blonde non-posh people.

Yeah. There must be some sort of... I don't know if the blonde's invested in a lot of Scandinavian partners, but, you know, there's something going on there. So blondness is my first port of call when I'm assessing someone on these grounds. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We were discussing the poshness list. There's a few things on there that I actually think aren't quite so posh. So apparently using people's surnames is one. And I didn't go to a posh school, but people seem to call me Cochran a lot. I don't know why. They would really emphasise it again and again at school. I don't think that's that posh. But I think, didn't you make an attempt to adopt a sort of Madonna persona

where you only used one name for some kid like Prince? I seem to remember you telling me that. Yeah. Yeah, that would have been it. I mean, Cochran would actually be a good name for the sort of person who collaborates with someone on the Brits. That was just their one name.

Yes. Just me and the MC, what's his name? Cochran. Well, MC Mingle. Well, I don't know. He might be a bit out of your league at the moment, Cochran. The late Johnny Cochran, lawyer of OJ Simpson, who's referred to as Cochran regularly.

They also had on this list, do you laugh very loudly and call everyone darling? Yes, of course. But that just essentially makes me Christopher Biggins. That doesn't make me posh. I don't think laughing loudly is a posh thing, is it? It's on the list. It's on the list to explain a lot of my gigs.

It's on the list. Yeah, and I'll tell you what's a good one. Posh people don't hit that. And I don't know quite what age it happens where mummy and daddy become mom and dad. Yeah. And posh people... Right, they don't have that.

No, they never do that. Prince Charles has a running gag when he says, I was speaking to Her Majesty the Queen, Mommy. I've seen him do it about four times. He knows, he knows. Has he got material? Yeah, that's his material.

He's got material. That is his material. Well, I had, there was a girl I worked with at InStyle who was probably in the top five poshest people I'd ever met. And you know how you'd sometimes, you'd go on holiday and people in offices bring back, just so you two are aware of this, bring back sweets as a gift.

Like, oh, I've been away. No, I knew that. Okay. I didn't think it would happen in the fashion industry. No, no. Well, she, oh, Tic Tacs, maybe knew that. I didn't think it would happen in the fashion industry. No, no. Well, she, well, Tic Tacs maybe. But she came back off. I bought some tissues.

We can all eat those at lunchtime. Some smints. Diet. And she returned from holiday and she had to sort of wick a basket and said, I've brought some apples from Mummy's orchard. Oh, wow wow that's great i used to call my mom and dad when i got older ma and pa i love that which i think i got

partly from superman comics with ma and pa kent who found him found his little Rocky. But also, in Bonanza, they used to call their dad Pa. I remember horse cart, right? Hoss, informally. Once said, gee willikers, Pa. And everyone was saying it at school the next day. So, yeah, I don't know where Ma and Pa fits in the class thing. There's a lot of it about if you had your own wine cellar. Yes.

I don't know if me, my dad and my two brothers had had our own wine cellar, we would have been found dead in it. Goodness me. So maybe that's the big difference. What a lovely note to end the show on. Yes. And anyway, thanks so much for listening this week. My brand new poetry podcast begins on Wednesday.

It'll be available then. Have a listen to that. Go on. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.