The Frank Skinner Show - Mass Naughty Step

Episode Date: September 30, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week, Frank has done a Q and A with Dave Berry to celebrate Absolute Radio's 15th Birthday. The team also discuss the Roman Empire, maniacal laughter in songs and fake smells.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on A1215. Follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk That's the first time I've said X without having to put it in inverted commas. Without chortling. Yeah.

We're getting used to it now. This is what happens. Yeah. The rebrand slowly takes hold and Elon Musk successfully conquers our minds. Well, Elon Musk has already had one success this week because at my son's school they have a thing called crew when the kids are put into groups of nine and then they they have a sort of a contest to name the crew and you have to come up with

somebody you think is an inspirational figure. And Tesla Crew is what they're called now, my son's one. Because they're electric. I thought it was about Nikola Tesla, but apparently it's a sort of Elon Musk tribute. Boz's speech was about calling them Alan Group after Rick Allen, the drummer in deaf leopard oh i would have really approved of that they went test this is a man who lost his arm and continued to be a professional drummer which is kind of mean yeah i don't know if he's got the

cut through among the young that no although taylor swift was one of the nominees, didn't make it. Gosh. Beaten by mask. Yeah. Yeah. Leave it, leave it. That's what happened to me in the school holidays. I didn't shower for about six weeks. I got to a point in the school holidays when I was able to put my socks on the wrong feet

and they felt uncomfortable. Oh, God. I know. That is bad, isn't it? So I was at the picture house at Piccadilly this week with my stable mate, Dave Berry. I'm seeing some photographic evidence

of this being sent to us. Lovely picture, may I say. Well, Dave always looks great. You know, I look like an old man commander. Au contraire. I think you look very dashing. Thanks. So it was a Q&A with Miranda Sawyer

and she asked us stuff about Absolute being 15 and highlights of our careers at Absolute and stuff like that. At one point, I had to explain why this show doesn't have a sponsor. It's a bit hashtag hawks. Gosh, wow. Yeah. Those are some serious cues. I know.

Was that her opening question? Well, I mean, you know, Dave was very nice about Wix. I said if they did a remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, might Wix be the sponsors of it? Because I think they do make chainsaws. But I don't, maybe they didn't want to be associated. Lunchtime, dear. So he was on about how...

Was it lunchtime? How lovely. Well, no, it was pre-lunch, in fact. So, yeah, apparently they're very supportive wicks. And I said, we've got nobody. I said, you can be too weird. That's the did you go for the sort of too weird too punk sort of angle no just too weird did he I don't feel that punk and then a woman said um where what do you think absolute would be like in 15 years' time. And I said, well, there'll be one notable absentee.

Oh, my God! I would have thought... Right, that's so depressing! Sorry, is that Too Dark for Breakfast? Yeah! Too Dark for Breakfast! No, it was. I said, I don't feel that's any of my business.

Dave was very defensive. He didn't suggest I might make it for a second, but he reprimanded her for the insensitivity of her question and said he hoped she enjoyed bitter coffee from the free birthday mug she was getting. And I said, maybe we could give her an urn. That's how it was going that day. Oh, wow.

It was quite a lark, I must say. And free food after. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I was talking about, it was a sort of radio conference. Well, you left us on a cliffhanger where you were perusing the free buffet.

Yeah, well, a pre-buffet. When I got into them, by the way, when I met Dave Berry, I bumped into him just outside the door and i said 63 and he went uh what i do and they do a competition where you have to pick a number one in a hundred and uh and i thought you'd never know he might they might not have had a winner yeah you caught him off duty though yeah it threw him completely like when on the way in today in my car i got a text that's um let's get it said um come on um jenny seagrove this was from cat and i thought oh what is that and then i realized before we left before I left the house,

we were watching the Alan Titchmarsh show on the telly and a woman was on when we switched it on and we were both going, oh, no, who is that? Who is that? And I was coming in and I got the Jenny Seagrove text. Do you know Jenny Seagrove? Yes, of course I do. Yes.

She's before your time, darling. It sounds like you're being texted your target. She was a popular actress in the 80s and she was married to Michael Winner. Oh, yes. Okay, thank you. I have all your Jenny Seagrave facts

if you need them. Was she Michael Winner? Was she married to Michael Winner for very long? Oh, yes. He struck me as a man that she married to Michael Winner for very long? Oh, yes. He struck me as a man that you couldn't be married to for very long. Well, he died. Yeah. Because I went... That will stop a lot of

marriages, I find. It's in the terms and conditions, to be fair. I had a... In sickness and in health. I had a stress ball that when you squeezed it, it said, calm down, dear. Oh, that was him.

And I took it on taskmaster, calling it dead man's voice in a sphere. Oh, my God. That is possibly the most powerfully naughty object I can imagine. Frank, do you remember Winner's Dinners as well? Oh yes. He would go to a restaurant.

It was scathing. And what would he do for it? Would he put a sign up? I think, no, you could cut out a sign saying this is a terrible restaurant or something. Yeah, it was scathing

restaurant reports. But apparently when he died she contacted Madame Tussauds to make a life-like thing to have in the house of him, a life-size thing. She just found out and said, make me a winner.

Oh my God. I can't believe we don't have a sponsor. Texas, no, I can't either. Oh, dear, oh, dear. Can I say, the two texts I got after was, next guest, Leslie Joseph,

and then my final text, and Susan Hampshire. So, just saying. So, yeah, so back at the picture house, so Miranda Sire was really nice. She's great. And she asked me about my dog. She'd heard on the radio that, you know, in case you don't know,

my dog got bitten by another dog last week. And she asked me how she was. And I said, yeah, I'm thinking, you know, the radio, I could use the radio show to get together a group of people, you know, to track down, try and track down the owner. Vigilante was the word you're searching for. And she said, another thing that radio can do, help you form a vigilante group.

Yeah, it's very good. Yeah, I'm sort of wearing Absolute Radio hoodies. But I found out something about Dave Barry's power at Absolute that I didn't know, a power that I don't have. What is it? Well, I'll tell you after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, yeah, Dave Barry let it slip. Because I was bragging about the fact that I get two songs of my own choice every hour. And he says, oh, I don't get to choose any. And I thought, ha-ha, Dave Barry. I did point out, to be fair, and he is the loveliest of blokes, that he is a proper radio, you know, five mornings a week. And I'm like the Victorian gentleman amateur

who comes in on a Saturday morning, three hours. But anyway, if there's a song on his playlist he doesn't like, he can have it removed. Is that right? And has he exerted his... Well, I can't tell you what they were. I'll tell you what they are. No, but has he done it?

He has done it. Oh, Barry, I need to know. Is there a sort of maximum number he can remove? Well, I don't know. Could he just get it all down to one song? Yes, sir. And here it comes again. No, you can't. Just no repeat guarantee, of course.

Of course. That's ridiculous. But it didn't matter. And they announced a new station called Absolute Now, which is just going to play new music, no older than a year old. Oh, wow. That was a lie.

So, sorry, That was a lie. So, um... Sorry, I made that up. I don't know why. I gained nothing from it. Frank, it's very odd that you just lied for no reason. No, I never lied. You never lied. I think I thought that would be great if they'd done that.

I'd really have respected you. I know, but Frank, you can't just tell lies. You're one of the most honest people I've ever met in my entire life. But let's, I mean, 98% of the blokes listening to this in Don Lopp green flash trainers and a T-shirt are saying, well, I'll be listening to that. Yeah. And how much

longer will this hangover last so you know look I've had I'm talking about the texts I've had this morning I've had one

from my boss's teacher saying no it is Nikola Tesla and it was named after

definitely not Elon Musk and Rick Allen of Def Leppard came a very close second. So I've been corrected by Sir. Did you also get a text from Wick saying, don't call us? No, I didn't even get that. We don't make chainsaws and we don't approve of massacre. And we also don't approve of random

lives. No. Absolute no. It's not a bad idea, is it? I think maybe you're doing that thing that sort of happened in where like a sort of a spokesman for the king who can't speak for himself

just says something they hope that he does. It's too embarrassing to go back on it so they go, yes, we will be attending. Yes, I am. Yes, yes. I think it speaks very well of you that because you're such a thoroughly honest person I didn't doubt that for a minute.

No, but I would have been found out I think if you're fine. It would have been quite an escapade for you to somehow back this up. Well, you know warm i quoted a poem in an interview with a woman from i think the telegraph and she said you should do a poetry podcast and the headline was something like i'm doing a poetry podcast skidder and then um i got contacted and saying i'll come and do it with us by our owners, and then it happened.

So that happened, not on the strength of a lie, but of an error. Yeah. An exaggeration. So, you know, who knows? There might be an Absolute. I could be working on Absolute now this time next year. I know I'd be more at home on Absolute then.

Yeah. But, no, I listen to lots of new music. In fact, I listened to some brand new music the other night in a context which I think you'll find a little surprising. And I'll share with you after this, baby. Bring it on, on Absolute Radio. So I went to Hackney Earth on Wednesday night. Do you know it?

You probably played there, Pierre. I'm familiar with it. No, I read too many books about World War II to play Hackney Earth. I think I'm not cool enough. Oh, OK. It's a very cool venue. I did a book. I interviewed someone there, I think. I know what you mean. It's very deep. Was it Jenny Seagrove? No, it was Catherine Mahon. Oh, OK. It's a very cool venue. I have done a gig there, though. I did a book. I interviewed someone there, I think. I know what you mean.

It's very deep. Was it Jenny Seagrove? No, it was Catherine Lyon. Oh, OK. Yeah. I'm familiar with its work. What were you doing there, please? Well, Stephen Wilson, who I actually opened the show with today,

if you're not on a Decade channel, I opened the show with his song What Life Brings from his new album. His new album came out yesterday, the 29th. Oh, wow. And on the 20... You're listening to Absolute now. Yeah, exactly. On the 27th.

But this is what happened. And I don't really know his work. Kathy's absolutely obsessed with him. And he was in a band called the porcupine tree anyway so I'm not pretending to know about him so I just turned up because of you know love and buzz came as well and I didn't know that on in this place um hackney earth there's no seats or stuff like that yeah it's like massive tiered wooden floor and you just sit on hard wood it's like a coliseum yeah it was like yeah it was like it's got a quite medieval feel yeah it's like a mass naughty step i thought we were i felt we were in trouble from the beginning.

You get to sit there and listen to Stephen Wilson think about what you've done. No, but the thing was, and there was lots of, you know, men with those, you know, what are those massive those massive things that men drink? I beg your pardon? Those massive

drinks they have. Yeah? That the men have. Yeah. What drinks do men have? Pints. There was blokes. There was blokes with those. Honestly, since I stopped drinking a long time, when you see a bloke with a pint now, or a woman, but mainly it's blokes,

I think, you know, you don't want all that. You're honestly going to drink all that? You look and you see a guy with a pint and you think, look at that massive drink. Yeah, I do. I really do. I honestly think, I can't help but thinking they're just showing off. It's a lot of liquid. It's a lot.

And then they went and got another one. Frank, what about when I went to the darts at Ali Pally? We'll get on onto that another time but when I went to the darts and I went to buy some drinks and they

said I'm afraid it's a two pint minimum yeah because I only wanted half oh wow two pint minimum

you have to get a bucket of beer don't last me a week now two pints of anything yeah so anyway I like that he sounded like a sort of

teetotal naive american debutante why these men had such large drinks couldn't possibly still be thirsty after the last one the fact that i used to drink them i find astonishing yeah they're so big five of them yeah oh yeah anyway so that was happening um and then what was happening pints yeah men with pints and i think there was a couple of women with what were the men like were they nice kind of men yeah they're nice music people generally i find really nice i was talking to some nice folks from canuck and stuff like that and a bloke who'd worked with Stephen Wills. It was good. I'd spoke to everyone

who sat around me and most of whom had bigger bombs than me so it was alright for them. But this is what happened is... No, I'll tell you after this. You won't believe it.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, so we sat on these hard giant steps. Big old stoops. For 64 minutes. Gosh. In more or less total darkness. And they played his new album. Lovely.

So we listened to his new album. That was it. There wasn't a band. Oh. Did he go over and press play? No, no one came out. They just played the new album. So we sat and listened to it. And a big listening party.

Yeah. Oh. It reminds me when I called a mate of mine. I was in Birmingham. I hadn't seen him for years and years. And he was the one who didn't leave. He stayed and lived with his parents. And I said to him, how are you doing?

Shall we go out and have something to eat? And he said, no, come round mine. We can listen to some music. He was about 50. I thought, well, you used to say that when you were 15. But it was like that. Oh, wow. So. Was there anything on the stage? We used to say that when you were 15. But it was like that. Oh, wow. So...

Was there anything on the stage? Well, there was some, like, speakers and things. Was there a man, like, looking after it all? No, no man. No projections or... No, nothing visual. We just sat and listened to the album. What did you do?

Well, I looked longingly at one of the few signs of illumination, which was exit. The thing was, I could tell it was a really good album, but I haven't listened, I haven't sat and listened to an album all the way through since I don't know when I realised that. I listened to like four or five tracks and I'd do something else. So it was quite a big thing, sitting on a hard floor,

listening to a whole, especially also, the first time you hear an album, and there's lots of people who listen to this show into music. Most of my favourite albums, the first time I heard it, I thought, yeah, it's good now. And then two or three listens and then, oh, oh. And then it becomes the love of your life. If you like one straight off,

you usually stop listening to it in a month. Yeah. Like people. Just the same. So I thought this is a good album, but I listened to it all in the dark with some people from Cannock. It's hard work. And so, yeah, I struggled a bit, to be honest.

And then he came out. How did he? And he did like half an hour live music. It was brilliant. And I thought, I wish you'd just done this yeah yeah a gig

but yeah that's what I really wanted a gig here at the venue but I think it's a very it's a very cool place that we bought tickets for yeah sure

and I kind of like I can't think of anyone even you know my great loves if I could listen to a whole album on a hard floor with some men from

cannock and not think oh this would end it's not that i can't imagine anything more stressful from the point of view of the artist than standing in the dark backstage alone oh yeah a bunch of people silently listen to you kath said to me she went to the toilet after and there was a woman in there sobbing and her friends was consoling her and she was saying I've never heard anything so beautiful I just can't I thought you

were going to say she was like just even a cushion I would have exactly I've got a trap now I wish I hadn't taken that weight loss drug. I miss my butt. I was going to say,

would you consider a pair of recreational buttocks for future gigs at Hackney Earth? I didn't even know such gigs existed. It doesn't help you. I've sat on those very same hard steps. I was in agony. And as you know i have a certain amount of junk in the trunk it doesn't help i wasn't going to bring that up i'm happy to bring it up yeah and i will my checkpoint charlie i will tell you frank it doesn't help us but

like i say when he did the live gig, it was really amazing. And then I listened to the album yesterday. I thought, yeah, I was right. It was great. But I listened to like five tracks. I think albums, films, television programmes that are long, I treat like Panettone. I have a mouthful and then I put it back in the box.

But I'd recommend it. I'd recommend, it's called, what's it called? The Harmony Codex. Check it out. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli.

You can text the show on 81215, follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio, email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Okay. Frank, we've heard... You bet your sweet bippy. I should tell the people listening that when we're not on air, we've just been talking about Strictly and what that was like,

picking out. I think so far we've had winner, worst dancer, and who will have some sort of physical relationship first. And, of course, my continual observation that, incredibly, Craig can't dance. Frank, I was going to say exactly the same. He can't dance. I don't know how this happened.

But it's worse. I can't dance, and he's no better than I. Is that what you say sitting on your couch? He's no better than I. Exactly. I feel for him, though, Pierre, because they make him do it now. It's kind of, they used to just be able to sit back in their velvet blazers and not get involved,

but they have to get their hands dirty now. They're contractually obliged. Well, he handles dancing the way I do. You look as if you don't mean it, that you're fooling around. And then people think, oh, well, he's not really trying. So he does all the funny faces and that. And I do that myself because I don't want anyone to think this is as good as it gets. No, you want people to look at your deliberately silly dancing and think, well, someday he'll

unleash the real dancing. And then I'm sure it'll be brilliant. You know, like when you see an abstract expressionist painting and someone says, my kid could do that, and then you show them that artist's work from their early years and it's detailed, figurative, amazing stuff. That's what I want them to think, that my dad is my abstract expressionist period. But I can really do the steps if I had to. We'll hear that analogy, I think, from Moxie sometime soon.

I got the feeling then, Pierre, I didn't know who Moxie was. Do you know who Moxie is? It's not like you don't. Vaguely. I have to admit, when you guys discuss Strictly, I do feel like Prince Charles at a football game. Yeah, brilliant. Yeah, no, it's terrible.

Into the goal, you say. Oh, welcome to my world, Medieval Cathedral, to you two. Yeah, what, it's terrible. Into the goal, you say. Oh, welcome to my world, medieval cathedral, to you two. Yeah, what about when you two discuss emotions? How do you think I feel? I don't, of course, is the answer. Frank, we've heard from our wonderful loyal readers. OK. Susan Smith has been in touch right she says good morning enjoying the show as ever for the record jenny seagrove who we were

talking about earlier yes never married michael winner though living in sin yeah over the brush that was something frank's mum used to say I still don't quite know what it means. Though they were in a long-term relationship. Okay, well, that's fair enough. As Frank is a football fan, I'm surprised he didn't mention that since 1994, Jenny has been with... Do you know who she's with?

No. I knew this. Theatre producer Bill Kenwright, chairman of Everton FC. Oh, really? They've not tied the knot either, no judgement. And Susan finishes by saying, I once had the great...

When you say that, do you mean he hasn't had it for sex? No. Please. Sorry. I know, Bill, he's very nice. He's lovely. I once had the great pleasure of meeting Jenny at the Main Chance M-A-N-E horse sanctuary,

near Godalming, which she runs. She's a wonderful human being. Best wishes, Susie, brackets, not married either. No. All the old ways are dying out. What's happening to the confetti business? They're having to put it in cannons for the stop oil people. They've militarised it.

Yeah, it's been... It's all gone orange now. It has, recycled. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Well, I'll tell you, my favourite maniacal laughing is my way. Is it maniacal? He says, I find it all so amusing, is it?

Oh, does he say that? I think there is a brief laugh. Oh, that's quite gross. I think there are some versions. Possibly it's just some live version. Anarchy in the UK, of course. Right now. Yes, that's good. Best maniacal laughing in a song, of course. Right now. Yes, that's good.

Best maniacal laughing in a song, 8, 12, 15. We've got to be missing some Halloween-y sort of tracks with some maniacal laughing. Surely Monster Mash or something has some in. What, Bobby, Boris, Pickett and the Crip Kickers? You mean that version? Frank, what's the Elvis song? I was working in the lab late one night.

But I don't remember. There might be a bit of ML in it. That would be a good studio note. We need to bump up the ML on this track. Exactly. It's crucial. Oh, man. ML-29.

Little sticker on the side. Yellow sticky. Yeah, yeah. Okay, what else? Lindsay Washington has been in touch. Is there a comma in that? No.

Lindsay Washington. She's not from Washington. No. Okay. Is she any relation? I don't know. There is a Washington County Durham actually, which I think Colin Soggett came from. Former West Brom star. Of course. Once again, can't believe we

don't have a sponsor. Lindsay Washington. Yes. Frank, I just heard your lie about Absolute Now radio channel. I did own up straight away. You did. But it would be an excellent radio station to play just songs from the Now That's What I Call Music albums. Oh, no, no.

We've already got those. And also, isn't that all music? Yeah. It is funny to text in, I've just heard your lie. Yeah, but... Oh, God. Yeah. I wonder if you get that much on LBC.

Can I just say, I've just heard your lies. No, that's what I call music. When they're compiling those and they're having the meeting, all the songs brought forward that they don't call music and so they don't make it. And they go, that's not music. Oh, well, that's out. Do they put it to a vote?

I think they just... Does someone say, no, no, I'd like to submit, I mean, I'm sorry, I can't vote for Billy Ocean. I have very strong views. I think they probably say, what's the cheapest collection of things we can get together? Can I just say, our readers, within the last minute, we've had three texts in about Maniacal Life.

Oh, brilliant. What's up? Straight away, we've missed an obvious one. Jenny, a first- time uh reader contact her from carefully thriller oh where does it come in on that right at the start i think oh does it vincent price isn't it vincent price who also i think um does the voice on alice cooper's black widow he did a lot of work yes he does do a lot with the funk of 30,000 years. Well, I saw Deep Purple,

or some of Deep Purple, did a musical called The Butterfly Ball, which I went to see at the Albert Hall with a mate when we still lived in Birmingham, a rare trip to London. And Vincent Price was the live narrator. I think Twiggy was female lead. There's a lot of

hammer horror guys guesting on albums and things. Christopher Lee did the metal album. He just did a big voiceover of Charlemagne. I don't know that, but you do it. If ever they need to re-record it,

man, I think you just did your audition. Yeah. And it was top hole. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We got a lot of maniacal laughter.

Oh, okay. Give me some. Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne, of course. I don't know. It starts immediately with maniacal laughter. I don't know. It starts immediately. I wish we got tracks of all these.

An ideal world. In ten years' time, I know. But someone else will be benefiting from it. We'll be able to say the name of a track and just play that bit. You're listening to Absolute Radio Maniacal. Yeah, exactly. We only play the most maniacal laughs of all the time. Although I can remember some of these.

So, G. Viggy has got in touch. Ebeneezer Good. Do you remember? Is Ebeneezer Good? Is Ebeneezer Good? And then, I do remember there is a little bit of laughter. Yeah. Quite sort of unpleasant.

They're probably delighted. Well, also, they're strung out, right? Ecstatic, you could say. Yeah. A lot of people saying Mama by Genesis from Collins. Oh, do you remember that one? I can tell you exactly how that laugh goes. I never got into...

It goes, ha, ha, ha, ha. It's exactly... Oh, really? Yes, honestly. Was that before or after? You had someone being deliberately drowned. Can you explain that, really? Yes, honestly. Was that before or after he watched someone being deliberately drowned? Can you explain that, please? Sorry? It's an urban myth thing.

There's an urban myth, apparently. What's the song? Phil Collins' song. It's called In the Air Tonight. Oh, and this is that thing where people do their best to explain i watched you drown in someone and didn't say anything about it i stood on the bank watching the bubbles disappear i was me but i did nothing about it that was that's that that's the verse so it's that thing where people take poetic lyrics and go,

well, I don't understand them, so I'm going to make up an insane practical theory. No, he basically says one lyric where he says, and if I saw you drowning, I wouldn't lend a hand. How does he say that? Not nice. He doesn't say, I saw you on the riverbank and I remember you drowning somewhat.

I'm sure that's how I remember it. Maybe it's because you saw him live. You know, I ought to be on social media. And as a result, people have suggested that he was directly referencing someone in the crowd. That's what people said. Well, the same sort of people who would think,

oh, well, you know, Freddie Mercury, he killed a man. Oh, yeah. Shot him with his gun. He thought he confessed to his mother. Well, Phil Collins

had to come out afterwards and say, look, it was about my marriage, mate, or something. So he says, if, if. Yeah, it turned out he drowned his wife. It's the theory

the police immediately moved on to. Yeah, exactly. We heard it from him first hand. I believe he was involved

in the great train robbery. He was. My memory serves me well. He played Buster in the days when

garden criminals were lovable figures in Disney films. No, I think they did a Hatton Garden film recently.

They did. It was like Larry film recently. They did, yeah. It's like Larry Lamb and lovable Cockney tokes. Funny old blokes. Yeah, exactly. We're gonna rob some bullion and we won't bring him back. It's all like that, yeah. Up the apples and jewels.

Oh, fantastic. Two of five clarifies that the Manal laugh on Ebenezer Goode is Sid James, Darren and Barry St Edmunds. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Fellow South African. Oh, yeah, indeed. Sid James. Indeed.

Yeah. And, um... Get he on. I can't say the other thing he's famous for. No, don't say that. For the drownings. Frank, don't say that. For the brownies. Frank, why is it some criminals are loved? Yes.

Well, I think if you don't do anything too violent, I think people like the idea. The way people applaud lottery winners and like to see them in the paper drinking champagne, whereas people who work for their money are generally despised. Apparently gorillas have two songs with maniacal laughter. Yes. Clint Eastwood and Feeling Good.

Feel Good. Oh, yeah. Feel Good, Inc. Come on, Harriet and Charlotte. Yes. Okay. I remembered Feel Good, yeah. Feel good, Inc. Come on, Harriet and Charlotte. Yes. Okay. I remembered feel good, Inc. because it's right at the start,

but I'd forgotten about Clint Eastwood. You must never forget about Clint Eastwood. Don't ever, never, ever forget about Clint Eastwood. No one puts Clint Eastwood in the corner. No, no. I had a friend who was directed by Clint Eastwood. Really? And Clint Eastwood said on day one,

there's a golf tournament I'd like to play in on the 17th. So I'm not planning on any second takes. Wow. Wow. I respect that. Yeah, so I think James Woods was in it, and he said, I need to do that. No.

No. It was fine. As he chewed on the little cigarillo. Well, he said, he sat... I've got to get to the golf tournament. He sat on a sort of leather chair with all his films on that someone had given him, and he used that as his director's chair.

And he went out for a meal with them night one and said, OK, ask the questions. Did he? And they were all allowed to say, oh, what was it like when you shot that? Well, that was a great bit. And he just got all that in. That was it.

They couldn't do that anymore. Wow. Got it all out the way, one girl. I think you should do that. Yeah, definitely. OK, ask the questions. I think you should do that. Yeah, definitely. Okay, ask the question. I know what they would be. My favourite Clint moment is when he berated an empty chair,

pretended that Barack Obama was sitting in it. Oh, really? Yeah, he was just shouting at a chair. And he did it as if it was a really sort of clever thing. Oh, yes. Is he a bit in my cold, dead hands? Yes, he is, yeah. Can't spend that long around revolvers and not...

Yes, yeah. They all go the same way. And not end up with some residue, fibers on you. Guys, Mark K has been in touch. I put a spell on you. Screaming Jay Hawkins. Oh, yes, that's got quite a lot. Off the scale, Mark says.

And that's got genuinely M-L. Definitely maniacal. Yes. I like the only one Frank's familiar with is Screaming Jay Hawkins. Screaming Jay Hawkins sort of pioneered that sort of shock rock horror thing that Alice Cooper and Kiss and all those guys went for. He was, I think it was Dr. John, who had his friend's shrunken head around his neck on a chain.

Yeah, there was a sort of big voodoo thing going on. Yeah. Was he a proper doctor? You don't get that with Harry Styles. There's the other members of One Direction hanging off his belt. Oh, man. Yeah, and him saying, yeah, they all went one direction. Down.

Just a really sort of poppy, preppy correspondent on E! Entertainment. Harry Styles debuted a new human sacrifice aesthetic. I'd love it. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I'd love it Frank do you remember talking about being tricked by a smell tricked by a smell you walked into a shop

oh yes I went into the big giant sweet shop on Princess Street in Edinburgh and I saw a man cranking up a machine that made it smell nice so you bought sweets that in Edinburgh and I saw a man cranking up a machine that made it smell nice

so you bought sweets. That's right. And I mentioned that as far as I'm aware Subway that's where they heat up the bread in store

to get that bread smell. Yes you did, yeah. And they do it often in high end designer stores as well. They'll pump the smell of leather. Affluent fragrance.

Yeah. Affluent smelling fragrance throughout the store. Well we've had a good response. J.J. Yeah. Smelling fragrance throughout the store. Well, we've had a good response. J.D. Sports. No, carry on. We've had a response to that from the astonishingly named Karak Proust. Oh, nice.

Oh, I love Karak Proust. Wow. From Somerset. Is this the smell of madeleine that they pumped into a cake shop he used to work in? Absolute radio. I love that. Yes. Hi, Frank and Emily and Pierre.

I apologise for being a week or two behind on this, but you recently spoke about stores. Never apologise for that, because we live in an age now where chronology has basically disappeared. Yes, yes. You spoke about stores that have machines which they use to fill their emporia with artificial odours to entice in unsuspecting passers-by. I wondered whether you... Can I just remind anyone who didn't hear that,

was it obvious they didn't hear it, I won't be reminding them. Nevertheless, I said in the shop, when I first went in the shop, oh, I smell the sweets, it really makes me want to get some sweets. And the next time I went in, I saw them cranking off the machine that made me feel that.

Yeah, like a cartoon character. Okay, carry on. So, I wondered whether you were aware that the fabulous coffee smell you only ever notice when opening a jar of instant coffee for the first time is actually artificial. Shut up. Yeah. I won't.

And made in West Bromwich. What? Now, hold on a minute. Home of fake coffee stink. West Brom. Yeah, that's what it says on the sign when you drive in. Welcome to West Bromwich. Home of coffee smell.

The home of fake coffee stink. Twinned with chicory essence. It's a German town. It's made in West Bromwich, so we're told. Hang on, the smell that we're referring to is... But isn't it the smell coming from that brown stuff in the bottom of the jar? Oh, you poor, naive thing. So does coffee not smell?

I don't think instant coffee. It's all freeze-dried and stuff, so it makes sense that they would inject a bit. So they put a coffee smell into that top vacuum. Apparently it's a decompression chamber at the top of a jar. This makes sense because she's absolutely right. It would be odourless, wouldn't it? Freeze-dried. Made in West Bromwich by a company called Robinson Brothers Limited.

Okay, very false front. No suggestion of false smells there, is there? No, you'd want it to be called something more on the nose. You're right, it's like if aliens landed and were trying to integrate. We'll call ourselves Robinson. Hello, I work for Robinson Brothers. If you had a Fikes Mills company, what would you call them, mate? 12, 15?

Not only that, but natural gas, which is naturally odourless, is also unnaturally scented to make it more detectable in your home. I knew that because then you don't blow yourself up. Made by the same West Brom company. Wow. All Rhodes-Lita-Robinson brothers. I've never been so proud. Home of smells.

Yeah, I knew that, but I didn't know they were manufactured deliberately. What other fake smells do they do? Could that be the city motto of West Brom? Can you smell that? West Brom, can you smell that? West Brom, can you smell that? What other fake smells do you think they do? I think we have to move on to the news.

Quickly, Carrick Pruce just says, perhaps there's a case for referring to your hometown as Fake Pong City. Oh, it's good. It's good, but it's not right. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. That's good but it's not right We've been talking about the fake smell company in West Bromwich Robinson Ross

Our fabulous readers have been sending in some suggestions for what they could call themselves. Yes, we thought they could come up with a cleverer, I'm assuming, punning title than Robinson Brothers. Well, they have. Okay. Redanger 66, we'll get back to that at some other stage,

has gone for Odor Cheaters. That's excellent. I'm really happy with that. We've had a few people send in variations on faux Roma or faux de. Yeah, Jim Wilson has said faux de. I quite like faux de.

Faux Paris. Oh, good. From Ultra Magnus. I'm not sure. Julian Clarke has gone for the slightly more basic wiffo. Wiffo. That's wiffo. It'so. That's wiffo.

It's a lot more English than furpury. It's a lot more brain spaghet. I can't find the pun in it. It's just... They haven't gone for a pun. Is it based on biffo the bear? Or wilco. Oh.

Maybe. Never heard of it. R.I.P. You get all your smells from smegles smiggle smell smell girls okay um yes there's some there's some we can't i can't read out no pongerific matt says not to be sniffed at that's all right yeah but it not true. Because it is to be sniffed at. Yeah. It's good, but it's not true. Yeah, that's why you don't get cocaine shops. Oh my God. Called not to be sniffed at. Do you get cocaine shops?

You probably do, but they pretend to be. They sell overseas sweets. Any road or... Cocaine shops? That's a show. Please. any road or cocaine shops on the show please don't say it

come on I can't cut the gaps I've got one more quickly okay will you listen to this Alex has suggested

return to centre look if you see it written it works S-C-E-N-T oh centre yes not centaur yes

centre yeah return to centre what about if I send a threatening letter to the Robertson brothers saying C-E-O-T. Oh, centre, yes. Not centaur. Yes. Centre. Yeah. Return to centre. What about if I send a threatening letter to the Robertson brothers saying, stop making sense, which was the whole talking heads thing. Frank, I think you should visit as a local dignitary. I think when you get your, what are you getting? The Lord of the Manor.

Well, no, somebody else bought the Lord of the Manor. Oh, you did Google then? Yeah, I didn't go in for it, though, in the end. Why not? It went for 25 grand, apparently, Lord of West Bromwich. Would you have paid that? I don't know. I think it went for 28, to be precise.

No, you know, it's crazy. You can get your own free smells. Yeah, exactly. You can get your own free smells. Yeah, exactly. You can say that again. At my age. I saw the fear in your eyes where I said, we've got a lot of texts in about the smells. Yeah.

Oh, people. Why don't they just say it to my face? Frank, what do you think of Tom P non... What, Tom Petty? No, not Tom Petty. Tom P says non-defume. Yeah. He's tried to do a non-deplume.

So they don't defume. Yeah. They fume. They fume. Yeah. I think maybe we'll leave these. I mean, well done, everyone. Yeah.

But I think we've covered it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, Frank, there are not a lot of trends that I can relate to. No. To be perfectly honest with you. Unlike Frank. Yeah. Exactly. To be perfectly honest with you. Unlike Frank. Yeah. Exactly.

I'm not like you, Frank. I'm not walking into Smiggle and getting the latest sniffy pens. Octopen. No, I know. And bum bags. I know. I'm a bit of a dedicated follower of fashion. Yeah.

Yes. But for once, there was a big old trend that I thought, now this is a bit of fashion. Yes. But for once, there was a big old trend that I thought, now this is a bit of me. I like this. And I saw that it started on TikTok, this trend, where a lady, the Reverend

Kelsey Lewis Vincent, which is a hell of a name, saw an Instagram reel that said something along the lines of, women have no idea how often the men in their lives think about the Roman Empire. Right. And I thought, yes, here we go.

I'm presuming she's an Anglican reverend. Because obviously in my little group, where we have casual chit-chat about Herod the Tetrarch, the Roman Empire crops up quite a lot. Yes, well, she's American, so yeah, she's definitely a little further away from it. When I read this, I thought, I dream of the Roman Empire working with these two. Cathedrals, cathedrals, cathedrals. Well, also this week, Hadrian's Wall has never been on the news as much as it has this week.

So I should think the whole nation is thinking of a Roman Empire. Well, so inspired by this, she asked her significant other, how often do you think about the Roman Empire? And without missing a beat, he said, every day. Wow. And so this started a TikTok trend where women would film themselves going up to their male partners and saying, how often do you think about the Roman Empire

and recording the responses? And the internet has been surprised at how many men say some variation of either every day or a few times a week. Can I say what I particularly liked? I got into a very specialist genre of these how often do you think about the Roman Empire videos, which was the dads. And the reason i liked the dads

was that i felt they were less in it for the likes perhaps yes you know what i mean they were being more covertly filmed and were a little bit gittish in their response and i particularly uh like the australian dad who responded he said i don't think about the Roman Empire, but I do often think about Constantinople. And then there was another man who got quite angry with his daughter and said, do you mean the Roman Empire or the Holy Roman Empire? And I thought, good friend for Frank. Yeah, that's a good one. I'm sort of with Dr Samuel Johnson,

as you know, he's a literary hero of mine. He once began an essay by saying, someone said to me the other day that his dog sat staring into space for long periods and couldn't possibly imagine what it was thinking about. I do not have to go outside my own species to have such thoughts. So it's great news, isn't it,

that men are thinking about the Roman Empire? Broadly, I think so. I saw this trend before this happened, so maybe my i i saw this trend before this happened so maybe it's my my my guard was up or but my my partner she came into the living room and said as sort of quite cautiously how often do you think about the roman empire yeah and i will give either of you a tenor or anyone in the studio a tenor if you can guess what my answer was It's a bit of a trick question because my answer was not

a straight response Was it a bit Australian dad? Was it a question? It was a question I answered the question with a question like a sage I think you responded with some sort of correction in built I think you responded with some sort of correction in Pilt.

I think it'll be whether it includes the period before Augustus, the first emperor. That's exactly right, Frank. Yeah, whether you're including that period. You're depressingly close. There will be some historical, there'll be a date involved. Yeah, it'll be Google Earth tightening the focus. I want a specific. Go on, give us it.

I said, which one? Which I stand by. Okay. And what is that? So what is that? Western Roman, Eastern Roman. Yeah, well, there's a time they split and had two emperors. This is it. Yeah. But, there's a time they split and had two emperors. Yeah, yeah.

But they had that long period where I think people would call it the Roman Empire when there wasn't an emperor. How often do you think about that Roman Empire, you two? What about poor Cath over in North London having to ask, how often do you think about Zygons? Yeah, I would say, generally speaking, Cath brings up ancient history a lot more often than I do.

Friendship Skinner on Absolute Radio. Pierre admitted, well, there's no shame in it, so I shouldn't use the word admitted, but you were revealing how you'd answered that question. Yes, so this is... How often do you think of the Roman Empire, Pierre? And Pierre'd answered that question. Yes.

How often do you think of the Roman Empire, Pierre? And Pierre said, which one? Yes. Yeah. And the reason I said which one was partially to appear arch and superior. Yeah. But also partially because I curate my social media to suit my tastes. I'll level with you.

I like my echo chamber. I've decorated it. I've made it all nice. It looks fabulous. Thank you. I must admit, I liked it as well. Yes, you can. So my Twitter feed is... Velvy.

I mean, who'd have thought velvet? Yeah. Pierre, obviously. Some velvet. Certainly. My Twitter feed is full of newly uneartharthed byzantine coins and syrian mosaics and things so in fairness one of the reasons i do think about the roman empire whichever one quite a lot is that it is popping up on my phone and the reason i said which one

was because there's some byzantine archaeological stuff had popped up. You know, as it does on your Twitter feed. Yes. That and furious discrimination. I don't have a Twitter feed. And thank God I don't have an X feed. Oh, no. With them contacting me regularly. I would amend that question. Probably be friendlier than Twitter. Yeah, probably.

Less grudging. I think they should amend that question for Pierre to when don't you think about the Roman Empire? Frank Skinner, I would ask you, how often do you think about the Roman Empire? I think about the Anglo-Saxons more. I think so. But I think...

A bit decadent for you, right? They used to say that men think about the physicals every seven seconds. So nowadays I've got quite a lot of gaps to fill in my thinking. You're casting around for anything. So any historical period I can get my hands on to fill

that terrible void that the physicals has left behind. Pick dark for breakfast, please. Oh, darling. I have to say, though, I don't see you as a Roman. I think you have different Roman empires. I think your Roman empires are, frankly, it's ex-RSC actors in Polonex saying,

so, doctor. Yes. I did watch just this last week before this came out I just watched Mary Beard's documentary on Caligula he was problematic wasn't he well she

didn't like him it would be interesting if she came out as a strong Caligula fan. Yeah. Caligulist. Yeah, I like the idea. Caligulist. Is that how she ended it? I didn't like him.

Yeah, I don't like him. I had no idea she was from the West Midlands. She's been involved in this incredibly. Now, this is what I mean. In the modern world, I think I've got a handle on something and then it slips away from me. Mary Beard seemed unhappy that people were thinking about the Roman Empire at Reggae,

but that has been her life's quest to make us think about that more. I think she has been maybe put off by some of the videos, which are a certain type of very thick-necked American man who thinks about the Roman Empire in a less than good way. Well, she seemed to be suggesting,

if I'm correct, that she felt their motives were based on, I guess, the sort of slightly, the slight He-Man associations with the Reign Empire. It's very, very hard, as we know, to guess people's motives. And you do sort of want to say to Mary Beard, look, do you want all of these incorrigible jocks

thinking about history or not? Exactly. We're very lucky they're thinking about anything historical. What I would say to her is, look, I agree, as you say, that it was a violent and patriarchal and oppressive society, which questions morality and making a living out of it. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Ruth Jordan, how often does Frank think about the venerable bead? More often probably than I think about because a lot of the things I know about the Anglo-Saxon, well, a lot of things anybody knows about him is via the venerable bead. Right. And his ecclesiastical history of... The English people. Yes. You see,

Dame Mary Beard, I do hate to challenge her, however... In the arena. In the arena. In the gladiatorial macho arena. Oh, do you know what I learnt the other day? What about this? That thumbs up meant death.

Yeah. Yes, the Roman emperors. Yeah, but I thought it was thumbs down meant death. Oh, I see. Thumbs up meant death and if they wanted him to live

they didn't hold, they just had the fist and the thumb wasn't raised. They would raise the thumb as in, go on, chop his head off. Yeah. It wasn't thumbs up

as in, no, I like him. No, yes. He did well. Imagine how horrible that moment must have been when you saw the thumb and you thought is it going to go down?

Do you know what I mean? I'd have just been terrified it was yet another comic doing a PowerPoint presentation. That doesn't mean Paul McCartney is secretly ordering people's demise.

No. I really hope not. That would be terrible news. No. He's vegetarian. Speaking of meand hope not. That would be a terrible nurse. No, he's vegetarian. Speaking of meandering thought, which I think this is based on, I read this week

that psychologists are saying that children with imaginary friends is a much rarer phenomenon than it was 10 or 15 years ago. Imaginary friends are actually an endangered species. Why is that? Screen time is 15 years ago. Imaginary friends are actually an endangered species. Why is that? Screen time is what they say.

Yeah. Is that you need a lot of just sitting thinking to come up, to have the imagination that can develop someone so real that you take them to be your actual friend. That's gone. That's gone with, oh, while we're in the queue, what, you can watch a couple of Peppa Pigs?

Well, I've had to explain to young people what daydreaming was. Yeah, daydreaming is another victim. They don't know what that is. I've stuck with it, personally. Me too, Frank. Well, you did some wonderful things with your daydreaming. I was playing manager at Barcelona. You were.

Until I missed a penalty in the Champions League final, but I was heavily strapped at the time. And I stood there. It's actually hit the post, outside of the post. I actually went through all this. It's good to sort of build in your own kind of dramatic failure to your own daydream. There's plenty of that, yeah. He wanted it to be realistic.

Yeah, it's the sign of a humble man, I think. Well, there was a time for about two years, every time I was on the toilet, I was also on Parkinson being interviewed. Yeah. And when I went on... What's his first question? Why are you on the toilet?

Yeah. His first question was, what is that? What is that? Robinson Drive. Are you from West Bromwich? So when I went on there, I started by telling him this. This is the first time I spoke to you, not on the toilet. It went better on the toilet.

Put it that way. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. So, yeah, I was sad about Mary Beard and her not approving of men thinking of the Roman Empire. Well, how would she explain my, and I'm going to go obsession, with Henry VIII? Yeah. Violent, brutal misogynist, and I heart him, I'm afraid. Well, as you know, I championed gingers through all the ages. Yeah, yes.

And I like him during his gouty, irritable period. Yeah. Far more than I like when he was young, dashing and learning Latin and French. I like old, bad him. Yeah, when he used to actually not just preside over jousting tournaments, but he used to take part. I mean, that's brilliant, isn't it? That's mad.

But that's a bit like when Idi Amin was the undisputed heavyweight champion of Uganda. Yes. He was the undisputed everything. Who disputed with him? Yes. No, I just think if you're interested in history, that's a good thing. Yes. Yeah, don't look a gift, that's a good thing. Yes. Yeah, don't look a gift gladiator in the mouth.

No. Although you can spoil it. I was a member of the Anglo-Saxon Society. I enjoy the sound of those parties. Yeah, well, the magazine is always open with a disclaimer is that we are concerned with Anglo-Saxon history from the period to blah, blah, blah. We do not see it as from the period to blah, blah, blah. We do not see it as a racial type,

you know, blah, blah, blah. When we say that we're proud members of the Anglo-Saxon society, we're not saying it in a sort of Civil War era Tennessee sort of way. No, no, we're not. We're saying we like reading about... We can actually read the runes.

We don't necessarily just have them tattooed on our faces. As we say in the Anglo-Saxon society, get a rune! Oh, my God. Frank, with the Anglo-Saxon magazine, who were the cover stars for that? They were usually artifacts, to be honest. Don't call them that. They're old, respected academics.

I'd love to see a copy of that. What were the cover lines? Do they have puns in them? I'll bring a couple in. Please do. They could have picked some human stars. Professor Simon Keynes. They didn't really have academics on the cover. Oh, did they have...

They don't want to put people off with anything that looked modern. Richard Dance? There could have been loads. Richard Dance? I'm just naming people who taught me. Richard Craig Can't Dance? I'm going to start a band. I was in some 11-year-old writing last week and said,

what can we call our band? You know you can get Dead Can Dance, that band. You can have Craig Can't Dance as a band name. I like it. week so what can we call our band you know you can get dead can dance that band yeah you could have craig can't dance as a band name i like him poor craig levi roach so he's you know he's done well who's gonna instantly come dancing by the way oh i trust you i don't know okay i'll come back to you on that you need someone who's average at the moment and who steadily climbs upward. Don't start too high, that's my advice. I'll tell you who's going to win. The British public.

Oh, I love this character. Second World War. How much do they pay for those votes? Can I tell you what I think about three times a week? Go on. This is my Roman Empire. I know we've got to wrap up, but I want to leave you with this, Frank. You know genuinely

what my Roman Empire is? Go on. It's that time when you said you were hungry in the back of a cab and the cab driver said, oh, I've got a sandwich. And you said, oh, yes, I'll have that. And you ate the cab driver's sandwich. Yes. I think that's

three times a week. I did, yeah. As Mary Baird would say, typical of the upper class is exploiting the poor workers. I did not know that and now I will have no time to think about the Roman. No, I'm sorry. It's great. Oh my God.

With Mary, I think it started with the shoes. Did you notice on the documentary she started wearing like glittery trainers? Oh. And then I thought, oh no, it's one of those lectures that wants to be loved rather than admired. What was in the sandwich? I must know.

It was made by his wife. It was a very nice, some sort of Romanian recipe. It was lovely. He did offer it to be fair, didn't he? Well, I was late because of him and I said I won't have time to eat and this was how he bartered with my rage. Anyway, and if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.