The Frank Skinner Show - Medicine Ball

Episode Date: August 22, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week we are back at the linen basket and the team are joined by Gareth Richards. Frank has been thinking about his exercise history. The team discuss Lego, eating sunflowers and Gareth has been working at the Post Office.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards is with us today. Hooray! You can't text us though, I'm afraid, because we're not live today. I'm sorry to admit that, but it's true. live today i'm sorry to admit that but it's true however you can follow us on twitter and instagram at frank on the radio or of course that all standby you can email us via the absolute radio website um hello guys hello lovely to be here lovely to hear your voices It's been a long time. And Gareth should have been on tour with me earlier in the year and also at the moment. And now he's not going to be on tour with me until January, February.

If he's still up for it, he may have retired. I don't know. January, February. I haven't been given any dates yet. Oh, that's good. Oh, well, it's January, February. It starts on the 13th Maybe you could do your admin

both of you We'll start doing diaries I'm amazed, I'm worried now that the management have removed you and I've spoken out of turn Well that's probably the case But you can't take it back now I consider that a formal booking

no i think that's fair enough i'm prepared to stand by that it's a bit like a breach of contract when people used in the old days would proposed to women and then if they changed their minds i think there was some sort of legal comeback that you'd that you'd promised and and if they didn't turn up if you were abandoned at the altar, I believe a relative of my father's, they used to refer to it as her disappointment, which I thought was rather kind. She had a disappointment. I've never been to a wedding where someone didn't turn up. But if any of our readers have, I'd love to know what that was like. Maybe you could tweet or Instagram it.

Have you, Gareth? No, my wife, Laura, calls me her disappointment. Oh, well. It's a coincidence. When specifically does she call you that? Yeah, I'm not going to tell you that. No, I thought not. Just starting to get interesting

you two are up to your old tricks again yeah i don't know i don't know we got around to that but there we are so i um oh i'll tell you what this very um afternoon um i'm sorry i've said afternoon but that i've already given away that this isn't life. But anyway, I'll tell you what, I'll do it in a different way. I was watching the bit of daytime telly this week, having some lunch and I saw a thing called Mystic Britain. Have you seen that? It's firm Britain doing astrology. No, it's about like, you know, the Druids and things like that in Britain and stones, you know, these special stones. Yeah, the standing stones. And it's presented by a woman I wasn't familiar with called Marianne Ohota, who is an archaeologist sort of person, you know, the expert. And Clive Anderson, who's the genial co-presenter.

And he did a, they found what they thought was a witch's grave. And he said, well, we, you know, we don't, it could be a witch's grave or it could be a grave of a very, just a famous local woman. Just a very evil woman. Could have just been an evil woman not necessarily a witch and then he said we don't know which and she said which i thought was fine it's fine and then she said ah see what you did then now there's there's a couple of problems with this. First of all, anyone listening, never say any variation of, I see what you did then, or did you see what...

Never say that. It's a spiteful, destructive remark. It's fuelled by jealousy that someone has done a joke that you could have done. Oh, which, which? It's very, yeah, it's horrible, horrible behaviour. I'm sure she's a lovely woman. We all lapse, even Homer nods.

But also she said, see what you did then. As if she was asking him if he'd seen what he did. And that is not how it's supposed to be, Don, at all. Of course he saw what he did. It was a calculated pun. And I thought to myself, I'm never watching this program again. I was actually enjoying it. And honestly, that's it for me.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, that was a great piece of music. I wonder what it was. This is the thing about recording remotely. I see what you did then. It wasn't even that, though. It was, see what you did then. Yes, I do see i did it was a pun on move on nothing to see here to clive anderson do you know clive i think you just said something that was a joke it was trying to be a witticism did you realize yes but clive anderson who i i

like a lot i've always got on very well with but he with, but he's very much a man who will kill your joke if he can't. Oh, is he? He's a joke assassin. He does that thing of taking a joke literally in order to undermine it. So I remember showing him a clip once and there was an elk on it or something and I sort of imposed a scenario on on the elk's behavior and he said no no I don't think it's doing that blah blah blah and um it's not good but I like him I like him I don't like that aspect of him what was Clive's response to I see what you did then I'll tell you what he took it very much like a bullied kid at

school who just has got used to being treated like a doormat right I felt sorry for him also she's slightly crashed the gay even the punchline which she then December she slightly crashed the gate even the the punch line which she then dissembled she slightly crashed that that was an accident i think but um it was awful awful oh anyway how do you tell a witch's grave what were the clues that it might have been a witch's grave the top of the thing is very pointed because no confidence normally have a sort of a flat top don't they but this one has like a long pointed top yeah and there was a there was a you know those cat travel cages there was one of those in there um so and she was uh soaked as well. Absolutely soaked. So she must have been fresh from the donking. She was a dunking witch.

Either dunking or burning. I wanted to say donking, and then I thought, no, that's biscuits, isn't it? But it is witches as well. Just witches. What else do witches and biscuits have in common? If only you could text in today, I think we'd get hours out of witches and biscuits.

I can hear Garrett's brain whirring and clicking now. Can I ask you a question? What footwear do you associate with the witch? Because some go for the pointy shoe. That's a good question. I see them rather in a sort of clunky

black sort of school shoe. Black with, you know, buckles, you know, where it's a square buckle on it. Oliver Crumb, no, it's a Puritan. Yeah. It's a bit like Gary Barlow on... You know those moments when one of the contestants on... Was it Britain's Got Talent he did,

or was it one of the others? One of them. But anyway, there's bits where the contestant gets upset or something like that, or has a breakdown, it goes wrong, and he would step onto the stage, and he often had a heavily buckled shoe. Clanking on, making it about him. You know, saying, like, I'm rock and roll.

I know what you're thinking, but I am still quite rock and roll. I am a pilgrim. Okay. It's a very good question, though. What footwear do you associate with a witch? Maybe a kitten heel to go with familiar. Oh, Frank. It's not practical for them, the kitten.

They need it. Couldn't you put that on the... Because I think of them very much drawing their feet up on the broom. They don't just let it hang down. It's not drawing their feet up on the broom. They don't just let it hang down. It's not like a kid sitting on the side of a swimming pool. They draw them right up, and I wonder if you could hook them up with the kitten heel in some way.

Like on the motorbike. I see what you mean, yes. The other reference I'm getting for witch's shoes is, oh, somewhere over the rainbow. What's that film that's gone out of my head? The Yellow Brick Road,? The Yellow Brick Road. Following the Yellow Brick Road. Yes. The Wizard of Oz.

You mean The Wizard of Oz. Yeah, there's witches' feet in that, isn't there? There is. Crushed by a house. Pointy shoes with a stripy sock. Yes. Yeah, it's a bit Paloma Faith. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

so has there been any um any news on the witch's footwear we have we have some this is via twitter we've had some which you know i was expecting some of these uh i'll just check i think I see what you did. I'll just check the Mrs. Wardrobe, etc. Oh, oh. Come now. To be fair, not completely unfunny. Yeah, well, we've had a lot of them. It's actually all right as a joke.

Yes. Bob says something with flat square toes, which I think, again, is down the Puritan sort of theme, isn't it? When you land on a broomstick, that's why I think a good Cuban heel would be handy because you can dig that into the soil to slow yourself down. I don't want a witch in a Cuban heel, Frank. Yeah, I'm talking traditional cauldron pointy hat cat broom. I'm not talking...

Yeah, green face. I'm not talking like your contemporary witch who lives in Stroud. I'm talking about the classic sort of literary witch. I don't want a Cuban here. That's a bit Al Pacino. Daniel Knight, small black leather ankle boots. Yeah, I think we've skirted around

that, I think. You don't think Gary Barlow is some sort of warlock? That would explain, wouldn't it? Absolutely rising from the dead the way he did. It all seemed finished. You know, Robert Johnson. And it would explain Robbie Williams' troubled life.

Yeah. Well, I think he's recovered now. I think he had a counter spell from Jimmy Paves, who of course lives in Alistair Crowley's house. So there's a lot of magic kicking around. I wonder if there wasn't some spell done by or to Gary Barlow, which raised him back up from the grave, as it were, from the metaphorical grave.

Interesting to know that, if anyone's got any info on that. And Steffi says, if it's just a witch in poorly put together fancy dress, then any old trainers will do. Unless, of course, they visited an emporium specifically for fancy dress shoe hire. Well, I mean, I remember Emily made a very good point about this that some people really do brilliantly on fancy dress and then if you keep looking down often it's the shoes that's gone wrong right i i favor those ones

where you know it isn't a shoe but it's material with an elastic under strap that you strap over the top of your actual shoes you know those ones yes i like those because they never sit very well and uh yeah that's something like with Superman, because Superman wears boots, doesn't he? Yeah. So he'll just have a thing. It'll just be a change in material colour from the calf, from blue to red, and then an understrap. What boots? What boots do Superman wear then? Are they red?

Red. Well, yeah, they were traditionally bright red. Like a child's wellies. You know, since cinema has taken over the superheroes, everything's a bit darker and looks a bit more like it's a bit leathery, robbery, bulletproofy. And it's what happens that comic books got snatched away from children and taken over by adults.

And so everything's got to be dark. And it's a shame. I like the old, I like it all done without a growl. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So my partner and our child are away. So I've been on my own this week. And I don't know if you're aware of this, Gareth.

I think Emily is. But during lockdown, I started doing the Joe Wicks workout. Oh, Joe Wicks. Yes. I've done a lot of Joe Wicks yeah I've persisted with it I have to say oh well done I don't think it would be um ridiculous to suggest that it slightly changed my life because I wasn't doing any exercise at all and now I'm doing Joe Wicks five mornings a week and even when they were away, if anything,

I'd say I've been slightly cranking it up a bit in the privacy of doing it alone. But I've been doing it now since mid-March, like I say, every weekday. I've never, ever enjoyed it at all. I don't think I've ever enjoyed exercise in my life i enjoy it being over but i mean it wouldn't be exaggerating to say that i hate it while it's actually happening is that normal i think so it's like a yard of ale exercise. You know, if you can get through, it feels like a great achievement.

But you don't enjoy a yard of ale. You don't say, well, let's meet up and have a yard of ale. It's something you have to get through. But do you enjoy it less, do you think? Because it's feeling not as fun as a solo activity whereas previously on er you had kath and buzz to make it a bit more of a family fun thing yeah but it wasn't fun i was still really really glad when it was over it's horrible exercise you know it hurts it makes me feel a bit sick sometimes and it's brilliant when it's when i used to go it's made me think about my entire exercise history

I used to go to the gymnasium there was a period of about two years when I went to the gym and the gym I went to um there were three mats for stretching and i remember being on one mat and michael palin was on a second mat and helena bonham carter on the third so it was that kind of gym you know but i mean they were they were sweaty and doing it properly but i don't um i find gyms, like many people, intimidating and full of bullies. And celebrities, by the sounds of it. Well, yeah, the celebrities, I don't mind them. Who was the bully, Michael Palin or Helena Bonham Carter?

No, I don't think either of those. I can't imagine. Actually, if only she was here now. If Helena Bonham Carter doesn't know what a witch wears, I'll go to the foot of her stairs. You'll eat your hat, you were going to say. She's not wearing it right now. One of her purple velvet hats that she's probably got in her cellar. And I bet she's got a cellar.

I met her once in the street and she said, I think we're supposed to say hello, aren't we? Fabulous, slightly cynical approach to celebrity. Or did she think she was halfway through a scene and had forgotten the script? Oh, no. In a way, I had forgotten the script of life. Yeah. Anyway, I don't know if you're aware of this, Gareth. I also did the Charles charles atlas course which i occasionally mention on this show i don't know is it still going does anyone i don't know i

don't know i know atlas is it like atlas gyms is that what that no no it's a man called charles atlas right and he used to appear in a in a pair, I think they were like small briefs anyway, and revealing his amazing body. And the strap line, he had a strap line, did I tell you that? On the briefs? Yeah, just above the brief. It had cut in quite a way. And it said, you too can have a body like mine.

Not you too, this is obviously pretty. Not the edge. No. He'll have to get up early in the morning for that. But he's probably got a strapline under that hat. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I was talking about my various exercise regimes,

including Charles Atlas. talking about my uh various exercise regimes including charles atlas charles atlas used to be advertised in um things like comic books and magazines and um he had come up with a system called dynamic tension right and um it's one of those things that means nothing, but at the time sounded great. And I did the course. And one of the things you had to do was milk week when you had to live on milk and nothing else for a week, which I had done before, but many years, many, many years ago. Yeah. Cause all those babies are really buff, aren't they? Yeah. Well, yeah, it, it, it takes time. And I also had a ball work. Do you remember those? Oh yes. A ball workout was like a big metal tube with two handles on the end and you squeezed it

well one of the things you did was squeeze it inwards or you could also sort of fire it like a like a bow a long bow you didn't fire it and it was one of those things if you weren't using it properly it could fight back so if you were stretching it and you let go it would it would hit you quite hard i don't know if you've ever tried nomchakas but um they the only when i used to do nom you know nomchakas that sort of bruce lee when you swing two pieces of wood on chains around and around you very quickly yes i feel alanchran would have gone with this a bit more. Tough run.

No, Chuck is. Charles Atlas, there was sort of, I seem to recall him being associated with sort of like almost comic strips of, hey, lightweight, you don't want to get thrown around on the beach and bullied. Wasn't there something like that? I think he pioneered the cartoon where a bloke gets sand,

a thin man gets sand kicked in his face by a muscular man. You know that? I mean, it's become a cliché. Sounds like you and Alan. I think it was pioneer. But as I remember that cartoon, the last shot was the guy, the thin guy, saying I need to do something about this.

Obviously leading towards Charles Atlas's dynamic tension. But then you would see the big guy leaving with the woman. And I don't know, I despise, I despise that woman. The idea that you'd think, oh, I like, I do like this guy. He is a nice guy. You should never kick sand. Sand could blind somebody. Also, she was sitting next to this guy. He is a nice guy. You should never kick sand. Sand could blind somebody. Also, she was sitting next to the guy.

You know, he could have blinded her as well. Why don't they go the whole hog and show him throwing away a book and a university degree while they're at it, for pity's sake? Well, maybe, looking back, maybe he had kicked sand into her eyes as well. And he was leading her off to the St John's ambulance is that possible I don't know what the moral of that story is but it's not a good plan either because that's not I mean you're not going to be a little skinny man and then a big man bullies you and so you spend months and months putting on extra bulk and building muscle.

You just poison. Let's get some poison. You could do that. I think, yeah, I like to think that somebody somewhere has been bullied and then bulked up and then dished out sweet revenge. I think that's basically what keeps me going. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards is with us this morning. We were talking... Oh, sorry, I need to tell you the other stuff as well. I've completely... You can't text us this morning because we're not live. So please don't waste your money.

But you can follow us at Instagram and Twitter, at Frank on the radio. And of course, you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. It's beautifully done that, wasn't it? It was wonderful. Slick. I could present to Mystic Britain, I think. Do you think Mystic Meg was upset she didn't get the call for that?

Well, she's a different kind of mystic, though, isn't she? They were digging up her grave. She's still around. Oh, yeah, I think she's still around. I hope so. I know you've said that. We featured her quite recently on the show. She got a name check.

Who would you put in the list? Celebrity bangs. Beg your pardon. You know bangs, the haircut. Oh, yes, fringes. Well, it's a fringe and then it's a bit that comes. I think Josephine Baker. Did she have it?

No, Louise Brooks. I got the wrong one. Louise Brooks was a star of the silent screen. And I think the lead singer with Swing Out Sister. Yes, absolutely. Corinne something, yes. She had bangs. And also Mary Wirtley.

Worsley. Oh, she got bangs? I'd say she's got bangs, yeah. OK. Celebrity bangs. Celebrity bangs? Let us have a... I don't know if other people have committed to bangs some people have

bangs sometimes but not all the time i'll tell you what i'm thinking of as a bangs um icon mary portas oh that is an excellent choice queen bangers queen of shops i'd love to meet mary portas i I'd love to meet Mary Portis. I'd really love to meet Mary Portis. Could I just cite another? Oh, sorry. Sorry, you tell us. I love her.

I think she's lovely. We can't just leave it there, Em, can we? I mean, why just go and meet Mary? She's absolutely extraordinary. Well, you know how I love shops. Well, it's the band of shops. Well, it's the bad time for you then. Yeah.

I don't know what she's going to do. Is she going to do a show where she just does Amazon? She needs to turn the whole economy around. Well, I'm in the high street. Yeah, no, it's tough up there. Bad timing. You have to be positive, though. She needs to retrain or something

mary queen of yeah yeah i like her talking of um talking of shops i don't know why this if this is particularly relevant to that but it's a it's a tenuous link but you know uh i encountered got kwan this week and i did a terrible thing, Frank, because I started I mentioned you and I said, oh, Frank Skinner had a dream about you. And he said, oh, what was it? And then I I realised it wasn't entirely positive. The dream was it? Well, I don't think I don't think it's anti-Gok. In case you don't mind me briefly, I didn't think it's anti-Gok. Do you want to remind me? Briefly, I didn't actually have the dream. Oh, you did? Yes.

What it was was that I invented a programme that I'd been offered. What is it? And I told my partner, this was on April Fool's Day, I told her I was doing a show with Gok Kwan in which I dressed in avant-garde outfits and walked around northern towns receiving comments and it was going to be called why are you wearing that and she said I think that might be the end of our relationship with tremendous seriousness not as a fool she said you're just not the man I thought

you were I mean all it went horribly wrong so it wasn't actually a dream it was well I know I'm glad I got it wrong I had to fizzle out because I just had a bad I thought I don't I don't remember that the end of this story is as positive as I'd initially recalled well I think it would have been what yes because you don't want to say that my partner thought that working with Gok would... I don't think she was commenting on Gok. You know, she wasn't challenging his human essence. She just thought it wasn't the right show for me,

is what she thought. I think we've done it away. After that. for me is what she thought i think we've uh i think we've done get away frank skinner on absolute radio we were talking about uh the various forms of exercise i've tried many ones and i still have tried many ones and i still have what i would call a sort of treasure island physique in that i've got a sunken chest and i don't think there's anything you can do about that as far as working out is concerned gareth you were you look in great shape thank you very much. Yeah, I am. I think, I think in lockdown while I was doing Joe Wicks, the exercises for a while. And I really liked that. Although I didn't, I found he did quite a lot of bragging about how many people are watching and things like

that. Did you find that Frank? That's what they do though. The YouTube sensation. The YouTube it's like they have no one's told them to like humility no i'd say your numbers all the time um my partner uh kath watches uh a few of these uh these people these personal trainers on these people prince charles talking about royal reporters reporters and they're quite haughty generally serious right stern people yeah whereas joe i think the reason i i remember particularly warming to me he did a seven minute abs workout oh yeah and at the end of it i remember he said oh he said stupid but you wouldn't want to do any more, would you? And I thought, that's great from one of those people. And he does a lot of that.

Oh, God, I can really feel that. Yeah, and he does some like on a beautiful desert island, but where it's really hot. So it'll be too hot for him to do it. So I have to take his top off and um but it'll be really sweating by the end of it uh i didn't join in with some of them i just did the pe lesson once i didn't i didn't go tropical with him i don't i don't yeah um i run sometimes do you what are you calling sometimes? Pardon?

Sometimes. How often? Well, when I was running, I haven't run for a while because I've been doing, well, I've been doing Joe Wicks in lockdown. Yeah, lockdown was how long ago? Two months?

Probably once or twice a week. Trying once or twice a week, but that's if I'm running and that means... It's not enough, Gareth. You know what I mean'm running and that means it's not enough Gareth you know what I mean don't you it's not very often you see my my bet moi is when the personal trainer says should we go for a run no thanks I'm paying for this I can do that on my own show me something I think personal trainers in my experience when I used to go to the gym, mainly talk about when they were in Ibiza.

That was all I ever heard them doing, really. They'd be doing stuff for people and really chatting about where they were going that weekend and stuff. And I don't want that when I'm exercising. Goodness me, now. goodness me now i was uh i used to do a fitness thing with um a woman who'd been the former lithuanian sportswoman of the year wow and she'd been one of those child um gymnasts you know who were tortured by i think they had russian coaches and i we used to roll a lot wow of course i was a younger man do you know when you you know those foam rollers that you sort of oh yes yes very very painful indeed i never have to roll them on your sorry frank no i was going to say you have to roll on your fascia and i never

completely found that what that was. It's something just under the surface of the skin. If you get it right, it's excruciating. I was just going to say I never successfully navigated the medicine ball. No, it's a terrible idea, the medicine ball. Who's the medicine in that? Painkillers, maybe. Solpidine the next day.

The good thing about the rolling, it gives you a little insight into how they built the Great Pyramid, which we all need. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Gareth Richards is with us uh this morning how how how are you i'm very well thank you yeah it's funny we were talking about um exercise because i was doing joe wicks but then the reason why i stopped joe wicks is that i've started working and like i got a temping job because you know obviously comedy stopped doesn't it so you've got to do something um i've been working at the post office

um sorting parcels are you a front line are you not a front liner no no i'm not no they don't let me anywhere near the public that has been a theme of the jobs that I've had when I worked at McDonald's as a teenager they never let me near the public at the front but no I'm behind the scenes they don't deem you I believe the phrase is client facing isn't it yeah and they don't let me face the clients they're not very client facing is what they say. So this was at the sorting office, was it? Yes. Dorset Mail Centre. It's a big sorting office.

And I've had two different jobs over my time working there because they needed lots of casual staff because it's been so busy in lockdown with everyone sending lots of stuff and having things delivered. Mary Portis on Amazon stuff. Yeah. And at first, when I started working there, I was really freaked out because, basically, no-one was social distancing at all. Oh, dear. They said you can have a face...

This was in the... Yeah, this is in the height of it. This is in the golden age of social distancing. Oh, wow. Yeah, and basically people are just walking around the only time they'd stop people they'd tell people to social distance as if some of us casual people started in talking in a clump and then they'd say two meters but the rest of the time no one would be doing anything and um and i thought why aren't you social distancing and then i worked there two months and then i didn't want to live anymore either

because it's um it's not um not a lot of fun i my two jobs were sorting parcels and you basically have a big load of cages around you, like trolleys, cages, all with postcodes on. And then you have you get they give you some a cage of parcels. It's called work. I know it's the work. The job is called work. But when they bring it to you, they call the they call it work. Oh, I'll go. I'll go and bring you some work. OK. Do you see? go, I'll go and bring you some work. Okay. Do you see?

Yeah, I think so. They bring the work and then you throw the, the things in. Throw? Yeah. Oh yeah. Now it's all coming out. This was the extent of the training I had.

She said, look, this is your work. They see these cages. They've all got the past. You look at the postcode and then do this. And she chucked the parcel as if to say, you have to chuck it. Don't worry about chucking it.

We'll chuck it. So if anyone's sending any parcels through the mail, if it's got fragile written on it, that doesn't make any difference. You need to package things well. I think that's what I've learned from working at the post office. Do you still work there by any chance? I worked there last week, but I think I'm...

I'm slightly worried about you going back after these revelations. I'm slightly worried about the chandelier I've just sent Kath. Yeah. I mean, for goodness sake yeah no i hope you wrapped it up well that's good that's um it's good on you though for doing what i would call a proper job yeah no it's been um quite a shock to the system yeah did you meet nice people though you

made some mates no okay no very grumpy men work at the post office. There have been some nice people, but it's mostly the other casual workers. We have forged friendships amongst ourselves. And no, they basically, the training was, they said, how to be safe with the Yorks. I didn't know that the Yorks was the name of the trolleys. So I watched a whole video talking about Yorks. I didn't know what it meant because I hadn't ever seen a York. I thought you meant the Duke of.

Isn't that Prince Antra? Yeah. That'd be a good health and safety video. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Yeah. That'd be a good health and safety video. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Often we get stuff about last week's show, responses.

Has there been any of that? We have. But do you remember, Frank, you were asking how you pronounced GIF? Because you're under the impression most people that receive wisdom was GIF. However, you'd heard that it was actually JIF. Is that right? I think this might have been Alan, but it was certainly mooted that the correct pronunciation was JIF, which is one I'd never heard before. Well, Declan has got... Except on Shrove Tuesday, obviously. Declan has got in touch.

Just FYI, in 2005, I attended a tech conference in San Diego. Or maybe Comdex in Vegas. I like the way he does that. He sounds like he knows his way around that whole area, if you know what I mean.

That period in life is a bit of a blur oh yeah the tech conferences they get pretty rowdy don't they you know the old computer conferences about it was about 15 years ago as i sat through the graphics presentation the keynote speaker was the creator of the GIF product and image format. He opened by saying the most frequently asked question he gets daily is what's the correct pronunciation for GIF? He clearly, definitively and loudly said it It is spelled gif, spelled like gift, yet it's pronounced jif. What?

Just like Nike is Nike, not bike. Right. I agree with that. Well, you've got to agree with it. He invented it. He didn't invent Nike, presumably. You agree with the Nike bit. Oh, I see.

So he said... Well, because it's named after a goddess, isn't it? And you don't get goddesses called Nike. Why Nike? Athene Nike. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm happy with Nike. But that is Jif as that's thrown me completely yeah why

has he done that he invented it well I used to be in a band I remember we were rehearsing in a in a sort of church hall and there was a complaint about the noise from neighbors and a policeman came around and he did a bit of community policing he He got sort of chatty with us, you know, young lads. And he said, so how's it going? Have you done any jigs? And I wasn't, you know, you're a teenager. I wasn't sufficiently confident to think, oh, I thought maybe I'd been calling them gigs for ages and they actually are jigs,

but I'm fairly confident that is not the case. But Jif, that's thrown me. I think that's like when that boy said to me, oh, she's really zanny. I couldn't see him again. No. I couldn't do it. Oh, dear, zanny.

We've also been told off a little bit do you want to hear this yeah fair enough this is from the rant man so in fairness he's giving us a little heads up there it is a bit of telling off i would imagine dear frank and team praise of the show, flying ants, et cetera, et cetera. My message is to advise that you appear to have fallen into the Alanis Morissette ironic trap for Clint Eastwood to be allergic to horses, something we referred to previously on the show, or for the new owner of Segway to drive off a cliff on his own device is not ironic. It is just plain unlucky.

If the new owner of Segway had publicly stated that he'd bought the company because he thought that it offered the safest way to travel, now that would be ironic. Cheers, Stephen. Your witness, Frank Skinner. OK, well, we'll come more of this after the break, I think. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. in the last link we were talking someone was I think he was called the rant man was telling us off for misusing the word ironic one of the examples he gave

that Clint Eastwood being allergic to horses is not ironic, it's just unlucky. I've got to challenge that. Clint Eastwood is, along with John Wayne, I would say, in modern cinema, more associated with the Wild West than any other actor.

And I think for the person who personifies the sort of a moody cowboy-type figure, for him to be allergic to horses is ironic. Yes, I agree. Thank you. Well, if you define irony, and I do, as the opposite of what is expected, I suppose, in some ways.

That would be textbook irony. Thank you. I would think. I mean, it's a good, how I define it, I don't know exactly, but that to me, I agree that Alanis Morissette in her song lists a series of things. The Black Fly and the Chardonnay. It is a bit of an irony-free zone in parts.

But Clint Eastwood being allergic to horses. What was the other one he chose? The other one was the new owner of Segway driving off a cliff on his own device. He says it's not ironic. It's just plain unlucky. But I think the person who you could say is in control of Segway, then going over a cliff because he wasn't in control of a Segway,

is again, I think, qualifies as ironic. I agree. But tragic. He is the person who brought the means of travel of the Segway. And if he was going to come a cropper to do with a form of travel that it being the segue that is ironic i think there you go but thank you i mean it's a peter we can't go back to Rant Man for his own. I don't want to just close him down. Do you think Rant Man, I mean, is he related to Scat Man?

I also like the idea of him being interviewed by Jeremy Paxman. Mr. Rant Man, please. I actually, I'm not a big fan of the rant as an entertainment thing. You know, there are some people who sort of specialise of the rant um as an entertainment thing you know there are some people who sort of specialize in the rant yes in comedy because what it's kind of like an ongoing stream of consciousness consciousness thing where you talk about things and you talk about it more intricately and with more fervor and then because it's to get an applause at the end, isn't it? That's the aim of it. I would say the problem with the rant is that what people do with it is they talk very, very quickly. So there isn't time for the audience to laugh or not laugh

at the things that they obviously intend as punchlines. So it's a way of using trajectory to hide behind because you don't want to lay your comedy out on the table for people to inspect more carefully but you know what I don't want to do I don't want to rant about um ranting because that seems um it seems a bit uh upside down if you know it's ironic actually to be ranting about ranting. Phew. I think it was T.S. Eliot that said,

my end is my beginning. Very flexible, he was. Anyway, so is there any more on the pedants' revolt? Come on, that's a good joke. He wouldn't want to lose that. He wouldn't want to waste that on a rant so this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards is here

today you can't text us because I'm afraid we're not live sorry but you can follow us on Instagram and Twitter at Frank on the radio Gareth Richards is here today. You can't text us because I'm afraid we're not live. Sorry. But you can follow us on Instagram and Twitter at Frank on the radio or email us via the Absolute Radio website. Now, we haven't really talked about anything that's in the news. Apart from Mystic Britain. Did you see... No, we did do Breaking News witches' shoes, and it turns out they were buckles of some sort, like Gary Barlow.

I think they were. You know those medieval pointed shoes that don't have anything? They're just like cloth. Oh, of course I do. There's no base. They don't have laces yeah exactly no base to those shoes what they are is they're a sort of a

a sort of a slightly bolshie sock and I think they wear that does some of the the Bruegel crew wear those yes oh yeah Bruegel's full of them I tell you what

the Bruegel crew love they love a shorty waistcoat Oh, they love that Don't they? What's a Breugel? You know Breugel, the artist Breugel? Do you know Breugel?

No Breugel, yeah Yeah Okay Look him up Okay It's B-R-E-U-G And then some say E-L and some say H-E-L. You choose. Anyway, let's start off with Bry Goulder Pudding. What's in the news that isn't about terrible things? Well, did you hear about that? There's a seven year old boy called Samir Anwar from New Zealand.

And he lost a piece of Lego up his nose in 2018. Ah, yes. And it's come out. Two years later, it was up there. It was. It's a great. It was on the BBC website. Quite in a quite prominent position this uh this story it said that it came out and it was covered in fungus fungus my eye um well it's his nose i think um that wouldn't be the end of it for. If I took something out of my child's nose and it was covered in fungus, I think I'd want to get that checked out. There's some sort of fungal scrapyard up there.

But they seem fine with it. It was the hand, wasn't it, from the Lego, which is, I mean, they say hand. It's more, it's sort of a claw in the arcade game, the architecture of the Lego hand, isn't it from the Lego which is I mean they say hand it's more it's sort of a claw in the arcade game the architecture of the Lego hand isn't it which I personally felt rather sinister it's an iconic thing though the Lego hand I hope they never change yeah this is a black hand I think indicating a black gloved figure i don't know maybe that i think in the lego alvin stardust is is the one of those i didn't if if the world was perfect it would be uh mr han from end to the dragon because i don't know if you remember Enter the Dragon. But Mr. Han can take his hand off. He wears a black leather glove.

He can take it off and put like a big knife on the attachment. Oh, I see. So that would be absolutely. I think, couldn't Dr. No take his hand off as well? Oh, could he? I think he was another black leather glove. But he could do stuff with it what's this good for holding the cup in the car i mean there's not many uses for the lego claw

um it suggests that he was using it as a littler hand because his his actual hand didn't fit up his nose oh yeah to properly get in there but he was using the little lego hand as a hand i have lost i would say over the last 20 years i would i've lost upwards of well at least a dozen um contact lenses that have just gone up into my eye and never come out again really so i mean i've had them go back into my eye but i've always got them out frank i'm not sure i don't think that's good news no i've i've got most of them i'm not counting the ones i've got out because yes often if you rob a bit and wait a bit they cut but i'm on about one sort of that you never got out how many did you say i you know i don't i haven't i'll have to check my journal i would say upward of a dozen if they came out in one piece now speaking of ironic

Speaking of ironic if they came out and I used them as a lanyard for my spectacles so I had a contact lenses lanyard for my spectacles, would that or would that not be ironic? We were talking during that song. I didn't realise how shocking it was

that I've lost these contact lenses in my eye. I mean, 12 in 25 years. It's not too bad, is it? I think it was quite bad. I've been watching a lot of House with Laurie. What's his name? Hugh Laurie. Hugh Laurie.

And that's all about diagnosing strange medical conditions that no one can work out what's wrong with them. And this is an excellent episode of House. Someone being rushed in. It turns out he's lost 20 contact lenses behind the back of his eye and they've all gone rogue. Formed themselves. Gareth was suggesting that my brain is steadily being encased in a see-through cover.

I like the contact lenses have gone rogue, like a sort of cop who broke bad in a detective drama. They've got to go somewhere. There's probably loads of room in there yeah i think that i've i think i when people have a glass eye i think they they have to clean out the back room of it as it were so i think there's a bit of space in there i'm not worried about it but if you carry on like this i will be do you know i think there's some sort of i actually think you can get your eyes cleaned i think there's some sort of procedure where they can flush out the and and like you say there's all sorts of stuff back there so it's a very good process i like to think that you lie

on a on a trolley and it's like you know those car valet services there's young men in overalls just scrubbing them all over you robbing your eyes and getting their fingers in the back with a bit of fairy liquid i have actually been looking for a fitting for our dyson to put on to get around the back of the eyeball. Do you find... They show a very little attachment. While we're on the Carvalho boys, when you've had that, I tell you what I find awkward

is when you have a drive-through arrangement. I know what I'm doing. They'll bang the bonnet. Okay, a bit aggressive. Calm down, dear. I know what I'm doing. I drive through the various processes and then we get to the end which is the internal

vacuum that i find awkward because i obviously have to get out and i just stand there feeling awks watching people cleaning the internal of the car vacuum um yeah yeah yeah oh you have to get out for those um yeah oh do you not get out? Yes, and then... I don't think I've ever been for this sort of valet. I've been in... You know the old traditional car wash where they've got those big things with lots of... I don't know what you'd call them.

They look like big pom-pom sticks. They're like giant pipe cleaners with soap, yes. It's like if you drove onto the armpit of a giant mariachi guitarist. It's that kind of feeling. But you stay in the car for that. And it's very... That's when you're sitting in there. Yeah.

Can I tell you something about Samir's father? Samir being the boy who lost the Lego claw up his nose. He's seven now, so presumably he was five at the time. As parents, Tory MP, can you two tell me, is that standard for five? That question first to you, Gareth Richards. What, children losing things up their nose? Yes. Yeah. Frank Skinner? Although Sorry. I think in North London it happens but it's class A drugs.

I'm glad to hear there's a bit of normality left in the world of people doing it with toys. You know the technique that you're supposed to use because he said it says that he got a pearl up there before and that of course the problem with this hand is that it's not you know it's actually not an obstruction so that'll be how maybe it got caught onto the moist wall of the nose but if you get something stuck up what you're supposed to do with the child say like it's you

know a big pearl like they're saying is what you're supposed to do is cover up the mouth and then blow into the other nostril so that the child becomes like a peace shooter don't try this at home what i would have done i would have sent up a lego fireman on absolute radio I would have sent up a Lego fireman. And we were talking about the little kid who had a piece of Lego up his nose for two years. Samir. Samir. Salpia, he should have been called. Well, his father commented and obviously they'd taken it to the GP and there'd been no sign of it.

And I think the GP sort of reassured them it'll move through his, let's call it the digestive tract. And he said there's no sign of distress, so it'll make its own way through. But I found the father's comments quite interesting he said he's never complained or anything he's quite a playful and mischievous character now in my experience that is sometimes i'm not saying this is the case in samir's um particular instance it is often a euphemism for the um the naughty children I'm afraid the mischievous very playful spirited if he's getting stuff up he's in the pearls and things like that or a piece knows he might have calmed a little now I should

think it's been there so it's really lesson you know those orange lever things that they use on the lego for separating the bricks couldn't they got one of those up there they haven't thought it through these people i'll tell you what i did um i did learn recently because um my son is a a big Lego enthusiast. And do you know, it's a Danish company, Lego. Are you aware of that? Yes, I knew it was from somewhere around there. And do you know what Lego means? Oh, shall we guess?

I heard this recently. Shall I? Let's both guess if we get it right. Go on. I'm going to say... No, you're going to have to... recently uh so let's both guess if we get it right i'm gonna say um no you're gonna have to you're gonna have to say i can't my teleprompter is broken there i've said brick okay i mean build no it it's a bit cleverer than that i forgot it's Danish, it's based on the Danish phrase leg goat, which means play well.

But also Lego in Latin means I assemble. So it's a fabulous double. It's a Danish pun. Yeah, but the worrying thing is their slogan, which I don't think I've ever seen on any Lego stuff, we've got a lot of Lego in the house, is only the best is good enough. Now, that was a line from the Milky Bar Kids song.

Of course it was. Oh, yeah. It was... Only the best is good enough. The Milkyky bar kid is big and tough and only the best is good enough it's like if my catchphrase was hello i'm johnny cash you just can't you know you can't just take them like that from anywhere i like the idea of i assemble which sounds like the idea of I assemble, which sounds like the COVID version of Avengers assemble, possibly. Or something Transformers might say as they go into revert back into their original form. Got a few of them in the house as well, I might tell you. God, they're hard work.

Well, I remember as a kid kid i used to put coins in my mouth sometimes i would have like six or seven i mean basically just as a way of carrying them yeah but probably meet up with the contact lenses soon yeah have quite a distinctive taste they do coins have you tried them yeah metallic they are a bit metallic we shouldn't be shocked at that you ever tried it em what do you think no probably not have Have you never tasted coins? No. What about those big chocolate coins from Pret? Now I've got you. So, what else is happening with you, Gareth?

We don't get a chance to see you that often. Let's dig in. No, I've been, well, my mum, you know, my parents, you know, I had a very religious upbringing and my mum and dad used to be very into Jesus. Used to be? Yes. Well, they still are a bit, but mostly now my mum is into essential oils. They've gone very natural.

Okay. bit but mostly now my mum is into essential oils they've gone very natural yeah um and um my mum started foraging which is um a a word it's very natural holistic way of stealing my mum my mum loves a bargain where does she forage the body shop shop? No, she does it outside. And so she's been researching all different foods that you can, stuff that grows just around that you can eat. I don't really know what essential oils are. Oh, essential oils are, what they do. Can you do without them? They take something like, no, they're not essential. And what they do, so to make...

They come from all different natural things. So basically, they take huge amounts of something like rose. So for a rose essential oil, they take like a trillion rose petals, crush it until oil comes out, put it in a tiny bottle and then tell people it'll be really good if they rub it on themselves and it'll make them better it doesn't sound that environmental considering it's a sort of a new agey thing no that's one of the arguments is that they're not it's not actually very natural because you need a lot of raw material and also my mum i mean she's quite gullible.

And so she'll say, oh, frankincense. So she's got frankincense and stuff, which like from the Bible. So she likes that. And she'll read in her little book about what it means. And it says, oh, this oil is really good if you haven't got a good relationship with your father. Which I mean, that's why they brought it to jesus yeah but um i'm sorry to interrupt but it is has frank would you ever do that and bring out a fragrance called that frank because you must franken sense yeah there's someone must have suggested that to

you during this no once ever um i've always thought the celebrity fragrance thing is the wrong end of the celebrity thing. I'm not, I'm never convinced that the celebrity has been into the factory and said, oh, maybe just a little, just a tiny bit more parmesan, whatever it is they put in no they haven't met the nose in grass no no i don't so you know what are they um well your fragrance would probably smell of a factory frank oh thank you very much swarf eager meanwhile back to gareth's mother in the woods foraging around yeah so a man by the way on that subject he used to clean the lathes with tricoethylene and um we found out that he was um he used to keep a bit on his handkerchief just to really like it it's really not a good thing to do it with it like a soul so yes it's

uh it made him uh very joyous but i think it was but I think it was quite bad. Anyway, sorry. Back in the woods. My mum has discovered that nettle seeds are edible. So she's been taking the seeds off nettles, and then the way she served them to me was she makes these protein balls that are made of dates and stuff that are kind of supposed to be very healthy and a replacement for chocolate and sweets which they are not

and um so she rolled the protein balls in nettle seeds and um nettle seeds taste like waste ground nettle seeds taste like waste ground they really evoke nettles what you imagine nettle exactly what you imagine nettles taste like that's what i almost did she sting you for that oh come on we were talking about eating nettles Yeah my mum's been foraging all sorts of nonsense she's been feeding us

Have you seen did you see the news story about that they've done a recipe for eating the whole head of a sunflower. Like the whole thing. Because it's all like, well, it's sunflower seeds, isn't it?

The bit in the middle. And then, I don't know if you do eat the petals. No. What you do is you put it on a grill. You put oil on it from like... Sunflower oil. You seem to use the oil from... No, it was oil from sun-dried tomatoes.

They don't use sunflower oil when they cook a sunflower. Can I tell you what they do? Are they worried about over-sunflowering it? This is what you do. You remove the flowers. You leave the pointy green triangles on the side and whack it face down on the grill point cover it with my angles leaves yeah you know

they're always a botanist then then walk it down face down on the grill cover with a lid horrible leave to cook for five minutes smear all over in sun-dried tomatoes really get in there cover with basil looks absolutely repulsive it's a strain i tell you my problem is they're so fabulous sunflowers when they are just sunflowers i don't i don't really eat anything that's too beautiful do you know what i mean i've eaten locust but i wouldn't eat a hummingbird no have you not no i'd quite like a hummingbird on a small lead which I could use as a personal fan. That's a great idea. That's the sort of thing the very rich probably did in the olden days.

But there's some, I don't know why, I know it's a flower, but it's something a bit cruel about it, it seems to me. I think it's the face down thing, isn't it? Face down on the grill. I do imagine on the grill having faces so cruel is it the vitalite adverts that where they used to have faces for vitalite oh vitalite i remember the john arlett the old cricket commentator wrote a book i think called basing stoke boy and one of the stories he told in it was that a sailor had gone into a chip shop in Basingstoke and had a big argument with the the owner and the owner

had thrown him in the deep fat frying thing extraordinary story that's what i thought of when i heard of the sunflower and it's um that was john harland's way of expressing that basil still could be a bit tough in those days did he batter him first i remember a guy old guy in the pub, came in with a load of flowers and he gave everyone buttonholes. And he gave one to my mate who was drunk and he handed him the buttonhole

and my mate just ate it. And I remember the bloke was obviously a bit frightened. He's an old man. He tried to make the best of a bad job. And he sort of said, yeah, yeah, that won't do you any harm. That's fine. Awful, awful moment. Anyway, I won't be eating this.

Look, Gareth, it's been so good having you on. It's always a joy. I'm sorry we haven't met in the flesh. Thank you for having me. But we will tour eventually together. And thank you for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.