The Frank Skinner Show - Message In A Bauble

Episode Date: August 15, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been asked about cartwheels and has a question about Damon Albarn. The team also discuss the Eastenders theme, Sam Fender’s socially distanced gig and gifs.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We're live in the studio so you can text on 81215. You can also follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning guys. Lovely to see you faceute Radio website. Good morning, guys. Lovely to see you face to face again. Morning.

Morning, boys. Alan's gone for that sort of, what we used to call the Hawaiian shirt. In Hawaii, they call it something like a kuaha shirt. Oh, do they? I thought they might just call it shirt. Do you know what? I think some do. I like your look today.

It's very, I would have had my heart broken by you on a summer holiday. Yeah. Oh, great. I think it's young up and coming assistant of Magnum PI. Look. Anyway, that's that. Me and Alan had a lovely conversation just before we went on air. It honestly made me so happy with us discussing how good Merlin the TV show is.

Yeah, you really were. I mean, I'm surprised to be in that conversation, but I was in it. Oh. At one point... He wasn't in Merlin. He was in the conversation. Could have been.

Could have been in Merlin. Can you recall... I mean, I appreciate it. It's so nice that you both have found something, you know my can you recall i mean i appreciate it's so nice that you both have found something you know that that we can enjoy yeah now that comedy's been snatched away exactly all that happened to me back in the 90s i mean but honestly the raptures you were both going into frank said something, can you recall what you said Frank? I think I said it gets richer with every series which I do believe

I stand by that War and Peace It does have an epic quality to it I'll give it that When two worlds collide the supernatural and the historical What do you find particularly rich about the drama? Is it the wizards' costumes or the magic tricks?

Well, I mean, I wouldn't... Would I like it without the magic? Maybe. But I wouldn't love it without the magic. There's my review. That's what Debbie McGee said. Yeah. Yeah. But you know what?

I said, say yes, Paul, the other day. As a, like, just... One of those catchphrases that just pops back into your usage. And I asked someone a question, I went, say yes Paul the other day as a like just one of those catchphrases that just pops back into your usage and I asked someone a question I went say yes Paul I hadn't done that for maybe 20 years good to be back can I tell you something I don't I don't often start with a gift because I had a letter today I'll say you don't I had a letter today that said I know you don't like receiving gifts who's been spreading that nonsense well I think it was you said, I know you don't like receiving gifts. Who's been spreading that nonsense? Well, I think it was you when you used to say,

don't send me stuff, I'll smash it up. No, what I meant, I did say that, but what I meant was if I'm talking on air about, I don't know, dime bars, I'm not one of those people who does it in order to say, send me free. But, you know, an act of human kindness first thing in the morning,

I've been happy about that on many occasions. Can I say that's why I feel quite sorry for your partner, Kath? I mean, I do anyway, but she's an absolutely first-class gift giver. I'd say one of the top five. She gets the extra gift mile. And yet you don't appreciate. I don't think that's true. I love gifts.

No, I'm not saying... Oh, OK, OK. OK, calm down, everyone. What's your point? My point is that, you know, you don't... If you don't like getting gifts that much, it's... I'm just saying, you know. Look, I've got a beautiful gift, which I'm going to show you now.

OK. I had... First of all, there's a quote. Who do you think said this? Go on. I really believe that if you practice enough, you could paint the Mona Lisa with a two-inch brush. It's got to be Bob Ross.

It's Bob Ross, of course, from The Joy of... Joy of Painting? My other guest was Lisa Simpson, but I don't think you're as big a fan of this. No, well, I love... It's one of those shows I love but I never watch. Oh. I've been sent...

Look at that. I've been sent a Bob Ross bobblehead. Now, it says inside that there's a sound on it. So let's see if this works. This makes a nice little cloud that just float around and have fun all day. I don't know if you got that. Oh, that's marvellous.

We'll put it on the socials. We'll put it on the socials. But it's a perfect... Bob Ross, as I say, does... It's called The Joy of Painting, isn't it? Yes. It's on basically every channel. Oh, yeah.

I think there's over 300 episodes and it's always the same painting. But you know what? There's a charm about it. And this is a really lovely... Also, I think because Bob favours the... I don't know what you can call this in a politically correct world,

but he's got like fuzzy hair. He's had it back combed into a thing I think you could use this if you lost your pestle your pestle and mortar I think I could probably when I'm doing me

alchemy on a night I could grind some minerals with my Bob Ross bobble head there you go, that was the sentence I was not anticipating when we began the show. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is something you might be able to help me with, partly because Al's a parent and partly because you're a lady, Emily. But my eight year old

Boz was in the garden and he was practising cartwheels and he said will you show me how to do a cartwheel well I mean come on which A&E did they get you from first of all I had to be nailed

to a cartwheel of course to be able to do it, a la St Catherine. When I realised, I sort of had to, you know, I thought maybe I can show him in stages that don't involve me doing one. Would either of you feel confident you could do one? I can do a cartwheel, but it's not a good one. What's wrong with it, would you say?

Got the spokes missing? Yeah. I mean I'm a very tall person so it's just not elegant. It's slow and also I've got a slightly iffy right wrist so I don't fully

commit to the cartwheel. It's all about commitment isn't it? Yeah. I realise. I said that to him. You've got to. See that's why I think of it. realise I said that to him you've got to see that's why I think of it now I don't know if you're allowed

to say this at all in the modern world I think of it as a girl's thing oh okay I was always more of a people look in the book

in the brochure don't think you are it's been good knowing you I was always more of a handstand fan. Oh.

And the producers nodding. Did you knot the skirt? Remember when girls used to do that? I tucked the skirt. I tucked it into the sides of the underwear. Okay. Is that a bit graphic? I think it's okay, isn't it?

I think it is. And turned it into a sort of pantaloon breeches style. I loved a handstand. I felt one had more control. You see, I have always thought the reason it's a girl's thing is for the sake of modesty for the dress and skirt wearers, that you need the speed so that the skirt stays in place. And that's your motivation for you for that impetus

that's what i thought anyway well i realized that when i've never done it i've never done a good one i do a slightly crouched i tell you what my imagine if you were working in a high class kitchen and you dropped a cloche and it ran and it sort of rolled round on the floor before what is a cloche you You know those things that, you know when you have a meal sometimes in a very posh place? Trust me. And they have like a big curved lid on the top

and they remove it in a sort of a tanner. Also the name of a hat. Right. Okay. Well, I hope I've got the right name. No, it's right. It's named, the cloche is called that because of that design.

It looks a bit like Bob's hair. Got you. Bob Ross's hair. And that's what I, so when I've cartwheeled in the past, it's been more like a rolling cloche, which is not good enough. But quite a good way to learn it. There's also, if you have one of those, you know those Swiss balls, the big exercise balls?

Oh, yes. You can actually learn a cartwheel as a kid going around that ball. I'll send you a video. It's good. One of the most difficult conversations... Probably too late now. I had a very difficult conversation with a man at the Albion, actually. Just the one? Before a match.

And he was a very mightily big man. I mean, he was, again, I don't know what the terminology is now. We'll stick with mightily big man. Did he say big unit? He was a fat bloke. That's what he was. And he said to me, he said, I was at the gym this week, so I got up off the floor.

And he said, can you believe it he said i was on one of those exercise balls and it burst he said that you know that the equipment you know you got it and i i was you know when someone's saying something i mean it was one of the rare occasions he wasn't the elephant in the room and i could i couldn't i couldn't breathe oh What could you say to that? So in the end, I just lied. So that's absolutely terrible. Terrible. That happened to me because it was pierced by my elbows.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, could I just take us briefly to the outside world via Twitter? We've had a message from Piers O'Halloran. Don't tell me. That is the man that sent us the merchandise a la Lewis Chessman. Correct. And Piers said, I was so delighted at getting a mention on Frank on the Radio last week

that I made a little animation of it. Good move. And then he's got a little chess piece emoji. Thanks, Frank, Alan and Em, for making my week slash month slash year. And the animation is, well, it's fantastic. We should retweet it, actually. Good fun.

Yeah. I should say, if you live in the Outer Hebrides, you probably don't have to do that much to make their year. I shouldn't think it's an event's existence. I could be wrong. I'll tell you what, it's a lovely T-shirt. I can feel the loom in it. Do you know what I mean?

You know when you get a T-shirt and you can feel sort of the 21st century in its plasticity. Whereas I can feel the loom in those shirts. I can feel tradition and long nights with the sound of the clock. Oh, I'd hate that. You don't hear it after a bit.

Shut that clock up. Well, he's droning it out with his loom work. But I've seen the animation. It's very fine. Yeah. And I forgot how funny this show was, I'll be honest with you. Oh did you? Yeah. Top end. Nice to just

watch two minutes of it back in animated form. Yeah it was. I wish you'd done the three hours. Well hopefully he'll have a quiet month and he'll do that all. Yeah, exactly. He'll be happy to do that, I should think. Next time somebody pops in the gift shop, that could be, what, 2023?

Yeah. They'll be in the three stags, of course, now, as we speak. What do you think? What do you imagine? I'm speaking now at, when I'm not supposed to say the hour because we go out later, but let's say we're on Saturday morning

and it's early on Saturday morning. What do you think Damon Albarn is doing at this precise moment? Sleeping? Fishing? He's just coming to the end of the night fishing. I think he's probably going to a West London deli this hour

I'm going to go with sleeping feeding the pigs I'm thinking I'm guessing he might I've no idea but he had the look of someone having years in Salo he became a cheese farmer he'll be

freeing up the curds. I don't mean in the Middle East. I mean in his churn. Yeah. Yes, that's what he'll be doing. I think it's a good... If anyone's got an idea what they think, Damon Albrecht, you might live near him.

You might know what he's doing now. I'd love to know what he's... At this precise might live near him he might know what he's doing now at this precise moment I'd love to know what he's doing Text in on 8.12.15 if you know what Damon Albarn is doing It's an unusual text in but we also seem to be running a text

in about unusual proposals We were reading out, we weren't reading out anything. I don't know what I've started with that with. We were talking about a guy who'd proposed to his partner and accidentally burnt their flat down. That's right, yes.

He hadn't burnt it to the ground, I don't think, because I think it was a third floor flat. No. He'd burnt it to the lift. And we were talking about proposals and these elaborate proposals that people go in for. And of course I asked people to send them in with about 30 seconds of the show left,

which was, I mean, again, amateurish broadcasting at its worst. However, the situation has been saved, and after this, we'll listen to some responses. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Proposals. Yes. Yes. We've had many, many different responses.

Steve Southwood has said, I'm a GP, wife a nurse. I took her to Welcome Collection on Euston Road, which is... Oh, yeah, I've been there. Very good. Heart exhibition. Whole hall full of heart-related stuff.

In the heart transplant section, I gave her the ring and told her I wanted to give her my heart with heart-shaped card and photos. That is really... I mean, he might as well have actually got some offal and attached that to the card. Put the engagement ring in there. That is the most heart-based thing I've ever heard.

We've also had Michael Cook. I proposed on the ice rink at Somerset House. I pretended to fall over and got up on one knee. The trouble was all the stewards had seen me fall and raced over whilst mid-question to see if I was okay.

They all waited with bated breath for her to reply. It took me ten laps to do it. Imagine that. I tell you what, I bet you that's the best he's ever skated. They all waited with bated breath for her to reply. It took me ten laps to do it. Oh, Mike. I tell you what, I bet you that's the best he's ever skated. Yeah. Oh, do you think so? Because he's trying to not be good at it.

No, I think because I... When I... In the early years of Taskmaster, the popular comedy show, when I was on it, when the money was rubbish... Has that changed? Oh, I have Channel 4 now, yeah. Oh, has it? Comedy show. When I was on it, when the money was rubbish. Has that changed? Oh, I've tomf Channel 4 now, yeah.

Oh, has it? Oh, it's gone up now. Oh, yeah. I didn't know it was gone to Channel 4. Good luck to them, you know. Channel 4, catch it while you can, as they say. So, there was a bit of a task when I had to ride a horse and paint a horse that was next to me on an easel that was strapped to my arm.

It's the best horse riding I've ever done in my life, and it's because I was focusing on something else. Right. And I bet you he might be a bit nervous maybe on the ice and all that, but when you're thinking, I'm going to propose and I'm not going to propose, I bet you he glided beautifully across there. That was the moment.

I bet she thought you are a god of a man. Oh, what's this coming out of that small velvet pouch? Oh, that was another occasion. It's probably a good little lesson for anybody that's trying to be good at ice skating. If you want an optimal performance, just propose to somebody that day. Yes, that is. if you want an optimal performance just propose to somebody that day yes

anyone this is I don't know if you remember Spalding Gray did a film called Swimming to Cambodia when he had to swim in very dangerous waters at one point not for the film but just to show off and he left his training shoe on the beach

with I think $10,000 and a Rolex watch in it and he called it displacement of anxiety He left his training shoe on the beach with, I think, $10,000 and a Rolex watch in it, and he called it displacement of anxiety. He was so worried about those belongings that the swimming was fine. So I think it is a thing. I'd recommend it to anyone. And Cookie says, I proposed with a message in a bauble whilst we...

Message in a bauble, yeah. I wish Sting had done that to Trudy. Oh, for Christmas, Christmas single. Should have done that, yeah. Why haven't they done that? Oh, the fools. The fools. Whilst we decorated our Christmas tree.

Wow, how did he get it in the bauble? Well, you see, ambience was somewhat punctured as my wife kept asking me why I hadn't taken off my shoes in the house. It just seemed weird to propose in socks. Oh, I understand. And also, if the bauble's going to be broken for the thing, you don't want to be walking on shards.

Pine needles as well. Walking on broken glass like Annie Lennox. Oh, how did he get it in the bauble? Do you think someone said that about King Harold at the Battle of Hastings? That's a great... I would like to know, if you're listening, what's his name, the guy?

Cookie. Oh, Cookie. I remember him in 77 Sunset Strip. Okay. With Ephraim Zimbliss Jr. Cookie, tell us how you got the message in the bauble. Many of these are actually quite moving, but we'll just quickly do one that is not so much.

In an Indian restaurant on Valentine's Day many years ago, the guy on the table next to us proposed dot, dot, dot, and was turned down. Then the fire eater the restaurant had employed for entertainment, yes, really, set the fire alarm off and we all had to stand outside for 15 minutes. That's from Andy Jordan. I bet she got outside and looked round and the bloke had gone.

He was probably just staying in there, deliberately waiting to perish by flight. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Shall we continue with some proposals? Yeah, I thought they were rich pickings.

We've had we've just had a text in actually or email from 376, that must had a text in actually or email from 376 that must be a text morning all I've been witness to two proposals where they were refused oh one at sunset on a beach

sounds nice at least you can do that you say that now you could have said yes though then you could do you know James Mason at the end of A Star Is Born? When he just walks into the ocean and keeps walking and that's how he does.

That's what you do I think if you've been refused. And one in a quiet rooftop restaurant where there was us and the other couple. Again if you're in a rooftop restaurant, there's only one way out. Walk off.

Once you've been turned around. If I see another one ever build up, which there always is, you can feel the tension, then I'm leaving. My husband says I'm the jinx. If you know, if there's a romantic rooftop restaurant near you,

I suggest you purchase a baseball mitt and hang around outside it just waiting for engagement rings coming flying over the top from refused people. It's such a stressful... I thought it was kind of dying out and that people... You know when you talk about... No, that is dying out. But I mean, you know when you talk about your proposal

as something that, I think last week you said it was through a side window on the car. Yeah, I mean, I used to describe it as a conversation that got out of hand, our marriage. Yeah. Which is kind of what, yeah. You had a sort of drive-by proposal. Well, Al, what about Davy Clark?

He had a similar type of proposal, would you say? He said, my girlfriend's passport was due for renewal, so I said, you might as well have my surname to save having to spend another 70 quid when you've got to change it if we get married within the next 10 years. We've been married for 17 years now that's um that's uh i think that's nice is that a nice one i think i think there's romance in that though like i mean nice and cheap al if if the lady dave clark is it dave clark yeah if the lady, Davy Clark, involved was thinking,

do you know what I really love about him is his pragmatism, that would seal the deal, wouldn't it? Well, yeah, I'm sure she was glad all over when he did that. Oh, lovely. When he did that. If you get that joke, be careful with your knees. What I like about that joke, it's, you know, that thing, that misdirection that magicians do?

Yeah. It's that what he's done is wrap the proposal in admin. Yes. So he's talking about that. She's not, because it must be horrible. Let's say, I know it's the other way around, and I know people marry their own sex and people propose, women propose.

But let's just take the traditional bloke on his knee. It's quite stressful for the woman, isn't it? If there's any doubts at all. I'd like it a bit baggier, so I've got room to sort of talk it through a bit. Rather than a ping, yes, no. Come on, guys, stop. Come on, guys. Stop putting people on the spot.

So a baggy proposal. A baggy proposal. I have seen a proposal out the baggies. I can imagine what that was like. The entire Bromley Road end at the Albans started going, you don't know what you're doing. Don't know what, and all that

so it was, very funny I wonder if that could stop a proposal a bloke thinking hold on maybe I don't know what I'm doing they're good though, I like the crazy proposals, they're all some of them are very moving and beautiful,

but we don't really do that on the show, do we? I think that's... No. There's places for that, and they're not here. No. Does Jason Manford do moving and beautiful on a Sunday morning? You know, I hear it in chunks because I'm doing things on a Sunday morning,

as many of us Roman Catholics are. But I don't think I've heard him do Moving and Beautiful. It's just inappropriate really on air. Unless, you know, it's da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na You'd think I'm singing this. I'm actually playing it on a slightly bent saw. With a nail. My dad used to do that. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

I'm Frank Skinner and I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215. We're live. You can do it. This is the new normal. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the radio. That's the new formal. And you can...

I'm desperately trying to think of another one. You can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That is the new Gorbals. It is! You asked earlier, what do you think Damon Albarn is doing this morning? Yeah, this morning, this precise morning. I will say, just to give you a general idea, people are divided into,

Very Big House in the Country has been referenced a lot. Oh, that's good. There have been references to Liam Gallagher, obviously, listening to Oasis, etc. We've had some other ones, though. David Gray. Hello, David. David Gray. Yeah. Babylon.

Something like that. I'm just an odd man. Babylon. Babylon. Funnily enough, Something like that. I do. I'm just an old man. Happy love. Funnily enough, David says, ordering a new coat, fancy pen set and a Thunderbirds figurine from Amazon. Hashtag Parker life. Oh.

So he's done a bit of a Parker. I've got David Gray audio book reading In Memoriam by Lord Alfred Tennyson. Big wow. Brilliant. Is it really? I made that up. It's odd.

Who's going to phone? It's not going to be the phone call. Nick Owen. Nick Owen. Nick Owen. Yeah, from this morning. We get a lot of celebrities contacting us. I talk to Nick Owen a lot when I'm at the cricket.

His son's a very good cricketer, yeah. Okay, carry on. He suggests pouring soya milk on his sugar-free granola. Oh. What do you think of that? Well, I have a memory, and not many of us can say that at our age, of, I was in Iceland. Oh, beautiful there.

Reykjavik. Love it. No, it was the sausage cross pizza. And, no, it was, I was in Iceland. And he had a restaurant. He's got... No tea on the end. Restaurant.

Oh, really? He couldn't get tea. Oh. Yeah, so he could be in Reykjavik, as we speak. He could, I suppose. I don't know what he does now. Is he still a guerrilla and stuff? I think he does a lot of that sort of thing.

Guerrillas, I think. I think he writes the music for that. Does he not write the music for modern operas and stuff like that? Does he? There's lots of creative, interesting stuff, I think. He's been drinking the old blackcurrant juice and going a bit crazy wild. I'm sure he's, you know, creatively active.

I just want to know how he spends his Saturday mornings. Yeah. Simple as that. Has he got children? You're allowed to be curious. Yeah, I think so. Is he a socially distanced crickie? Maybe.

Who knows? I think there are children involved, yes. He's, sorry sorry I spoke off I remember he was on fantasy football once how was he? kids was a show I used to do with David Baddiel before the old king died

and he came on with a bottle of red wine which he was drinking out of. And halfway through the interview, he started reading the NME. Oh. Oh, he needed the iconography. He's like a medieval painting in that respect. He was, yeah.

I think he had a skull with him to remind him of mortality. I can't remember. That was Pez. Yeah, maybe. He popped in. Yes, okay. I couldn't, could we? That was Bez. Yeah, I think, yeah, my thing. He popped in. Bez. Yes, okay. I also wanted to raise something which I saw in the news this week.

And when I say news, it's the lighter end of the news. Oh, I'm sorry. That's where we operate. We reside. It was, did you hear this? It was the composer of the EastEnders theme tune, Simon May. Do you know Simon May? I even left a pause for you both.

Well done. Thank you for leaping in. He's angry. He's very angry. Oh, yes, he is, isn't he? Because it's been cut short from 1 minute 20 to 28 seconds. And he's got beef. Yeah, so 28 seconds and it's got beef yeah so the end

it's the end bit isn't it it's you know the I think his autobiography is called Doof Doof and it yes the whole thing the credits used to be 1 2020 and now it's 28 seconds.

And he says the problem with that is you need that music at the end to digest the events. He needed it. You needed it, Simon. I think this is a man who might be being paid by the second. Do you need one minute, 28 seconds to digest? For sure. If you've got three kids at private school. Do you need one minute, 28 seconds to digest? Sure. If you've got three kids at private school. Yeah, but I mean, no, I can't.

I imagine you digest these. I mean, full respect to East End, it's been going a long time, but I imagine one digests an episode as one would take a lozenge. Yeah. You know, swallow it in one, don't you? Doof, doof, doof, doof, doof. Exactly. You may notice that at the end of this show

we often play a song that's like 3 minutes 40, something like that, to give our audience time to think about what is cartwheeling? Is there a cartwheeling distance record, for example? Is there a record where what's the furthest anyone's cartwheeled? 8, 12, 15.

What's the furthest you've ever cartwheeled? I want to know what the world record is, if possible. And what's the world record? Let's widen it out. Yeah, okay. No, exactly. That's something for everybody. It's like the London Marathon.

We don't just want to bring in the elite. Yeah. We want the joiner in us Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio So we were talking about Simon May Do you know Simon? and the composer of the EastEnders theme Yes and he's upset because it's been truncated.

He's been the victim of truncation. The victim of truncation. Now, I'm always a fan of what I believe is referred to as Julia's theme, which is when they go for the piano for the slightly more sentimental endings.

Have you ever noticed this? Instead of the full theme, it will be... Do, do, do, do, do. Oh, do they? And they don't kick in. Julia's theme is things like... Who is Julia?

Julia Samuels... Julia Smith, I'm sorry. Julia Smith was the producer, the creator of the show. Oh, OK. It's named after her, but when Dr. Nethil might reminisce about the war,

and they do like a Beckett play sort of thing, then they'd have to... Oh, OK. It's named after her, but when Dr Nethel might reminisce about the war. Right. And they do like a Beckett play sort of thing. That they'd have to... Or a proposal or death, sadly. Maybe at the end of the three-hander with Ange and Dennis and the window cleaner. Right. Was it at the end of that?

Yeah, you'd get Julia's theme when it was Tote's Emosh. OK. I was an enormous Crossroads fan, which is for younger people, that was a soap opera set in the West Midlands. Producers lost it, actually, at the idea that you were a big Crossroads fan. I remember reading...

It's the idea that anyone was a big Crossroads fan. I know, I loved it. And I remember reading a review of it which said it was like pornography without the sex. But anyway, I loved it. And I dreamt of being one of those people who came to get their keys from reception in the background while there was a conversation going on in the foreground.

It was set at a motel called the Crossroads. And do motels still happen in the UK? Oh, yes, I'm sure, yeah. So, um... I feel, Al, if anyone's the hotel motel expert, I think we know who it is. Yeah. I don't know if many do, actually.

No, no. I'd like to hear of them. Well, there was one in King's Oak. There was. And it was Crossroad. It was quite a famous one. And the theme tune was... And then Paul McCartney and Wings did a sort of soulful, heavy...

On one of their albums. And occasionally they would use that as their going out music. Oh, yeah. Oh, would they? Good old Paul McCartney, eh? What was that for? Again, was that when, for example, Meg Mortimer left or something? Or there was high drama, would they use that for?

Yeah, or something a bit poignant. Oh. Like when the real Jack D'Amanio checked into the hotel. Now, you don't know who that was, but he was a minor celebrity at the time and a friend of Noel Gordon's who starred in. So she got him to just come into the hotel and he went, oh, Jack D'Amanio. And that was it.

That was that incident. Probably a bet. Late night drinking club in Birmingham. She said, oh, Jack! Jack, yeah, of course you can come on, love. She didn't talk at all like that. She was quite posh. She, Noel Gordon, I'm sorry, this is very down memory lane,

but Noel Gordon was, I think, the first person to drive from one end of the M1 to the other. Is that right? She did it for a television show to introduce the M1 to people. Imagine that, getting a commission now. Now, I'm more interested in that than Crossroads. I never really got into Crossroads, but I'd watch somebody drive the M1.

Well, maybe Crossroads could be the next Merlin, the next television baton. Yeah. And if I want a China, I do have a China. We've been discussing Simon May, the composer behind... Isn't it annoying that you want it to continue into Simon Mayo and it stops at Simon May? I see, yeah.

I hate that. I don't think famous people should have names that are too similar. Yeah. Well, he composed the EastEnders music and I think he slammed BBC bosses. Did he? He slammed. He did an interview for a podcast

which is called Distinct Nostalgia. The Distinct Nostalgia podcast. Not just vague nostalgia. Diamond Albon. Very specific. What doesn't listen to that? Because he couldn't really have blurred nostalgia well i listen to it but it's not as good as it used to be i've got the sore out again but he said them of the thing that you mentioned earlier about a minute and 20 seconds of music being chopped down to 28 seconds,

he said, fortunately, I wrote it in such a structural way that you can hack four bars away here and there. I think that's unfortunate for him now, isn't it? Surely if he'd written it with almost like a musical watermark, they couldn't have chopped it up. If he'd have used the lyric version that Ange had a anyone can fall

in love, then they wouldn't have been able to come. Although when I say that one of my bête noire He used bête noire. I know, she was coronation strip. One of My things

That my pet hates Is in When they use A song I like In an advert And then they do Like a really Bad edit

So they can get To the chorus Oh Currently they're using Ça, blabou, moi And there's a bit Where they I don't know who's edited it,

but it's been edited with an axe. Oh. Oh, these people. These terrible, terrible people. In this day and age, there's no reason for that. I remember they did that with everybody,

chicken satay, back streets back, all right. I don't mind them doing that. What about, it's crumb believable. I don't mind them doing that What about it's crumb believable I don't mind them doing that But don't do that

Clonking edits What's wrong with you people I like the idea I know that wasn't why you said clonking But I like the idea of you using that As a new sort of parental euphemism For an exclusive I like the man who used to say the

Tontino Mo Sheriff. Quite. Yeah, I don't know, it's a bit too close. A bit too close to the bone for me. That's a lovely moment. I lifted up a bit of paper and there was a crisp under it. Ah. It's gone. You're having it. Can I just say something with regards to

Simon May? You may. He said he'd had that musical composition, or the chord structure at least, for the EastEnders theme in his head since he was seven years old. Wow. He said he essentially began composing the theme at seven. Your witness.

I'm going to stop at wow. I think they should have cut his money for giving him all the material. I've got this, I'll come back to this. James Vaughan next. You've been asking what Damon Albarn is up to on a Saturday morning. Yeah, this specific one. Yeah, 4 specific one. Yeah.

415 has texted, Damon Albarn is still asleep because he gets up when he wants except for Wednesdays when he gets rudely interrupted by the dustman. I think it should be awakened. Oh. It's so nearly really good, that. Oh, it's still good. You're spot on. I think it's all right.

A little bit of workshopping. That'll be just right for tonight's gig. If there was one. Yeah. By the way, you know I'm supposed to be on stage in Birmingham the 20th of this month. Guess what? It's been postponed.

Has it? Yeah. They never gave me any reason. Really? So now my tour, for anyone who's got tickets or people in Blackpool who haven't bought any, we are... Honestly, I'm going to be playing to her.

Blackpool's going to be socially distanced, even if the... If they've got the... What do you call it, the thing that stops people getting it? Vaccine? Vaccine, thanks. By the way, Simon May... Oh!

Simon May. Oh. Simon May. Oh. He wrote, I looked at his credits because I thought, I bet he's wrote loads of... What else has he done then? Well. Not so much, it turns out. No, I couldn't see why he's after that extra 28 seconds. I mean, can I say, I would describe that well as a very deep well.

No, I'm being a bit harsh describe that well as a very deep well. No. I'm being a bit harsh. He's wrote a load of stuff. It says he wrote the theme to William Tell. Now, the only William Tell I know on the telly is they use Rossini's William Tell Overture. Quite.

With words. Quite. Poshest thing I've ever said. Quite. Come away, come away with William Tell. Come away for the land he loved so well for the...

What a day, what a day when the apple fell for Tell of Switzerland. I don't think he wrote that. No. He might be claiming to. He might just be thinking I'm having that.

What, from Rossini? What else? One other TV show used the William Tell Overture as its theme. in that. What, from Rossini? What else, Frank? One other TV show used the William Tell Overture as its theme. Was it a Western type thing? It was. Bonanza? No. That's what I was going to guess.

We've gone Bonanza. Frank Skinner? Lone Ranger. One out. Mark and Lodge used to say, I think. So what else, Frank? Can you recall if there were any other themes that May lays claim to? They tended to be a bit on the... I don't want to put him down.

He's done loads, but they don't really care what they're doing. Sort of all the soaps. Oh, yes, he did El Dorado. Oh, that went well. He's a Jonah. He's an absolute Jonah Anything he touches I've got a letter here Oh yeah Hear that?

Yeah And it's from Lisa Mitchell From Lisa Mitchell in Sheffield And she has sent me a gift and I don't... She begins, I know you don't like receiving gifts. Not true. So can we just establish? You like gifts, Frank.

You just don't want to be compromised. Yeah, I'm not going to do... Like when Dizzy Rascal did an interview in which he mentioned the Nando's black card about 12 times until he got one. Nando's black card, I think, enticed you to go to Nando's and take, I think, three friends. Yeah.

For a meal whenever you want to. That's what would rule me out. Yeah, exactly. I'd have to just take people off the street. What if you turned up with three homeless people and said, you know, these are the people who should be cashing in? You got given one of those without having to do anything. Yours was Pizza Hut.

Yeah, well, there's a story on that. OK, well... Anyway, I'll come back to Lisa Mitchell in a minute because the producer is actually physically shoving the face which says End of Link into my face. And there's a ragged bit on the upper rim of it, which just caught me under the nose. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. Absolute radio. You left us on a letter-reading cliffhanger, which is unusual in commercial radio, I would suggest. Yeah, I like an epistolary cliffhanger. So Lisa Mitchell, she says, I know you don't like gifts, wrong. Just to say, thanks for keeping the show going during the lockdown. I'm a nurse, and I'll go on about it. I'm joking.

That's brilliant. Wow. Look, I was out there applauding. I didn't think I'd get gifts. I'd have applauded a whole lot harder. I'm a nurse, and I can assure you it's been a tricky few months, I'm sure. But knowing I could still sit with a cup of tea and enjoy the... And then it goes into a bit of praise.

So she has sent me a poster, which is a painting of Mark E. Smith, the former lead singer of The Fall. Don't have nightmares, kids. Which, coincidentally, I've also got a card from Michelle. And I don't know if there's a surname. But Michelle makes cards. You can check her out on 8BitNorthXStitch. And the one that she sent me is a sort of,

it looks like a computer game of the Bill Grundy interviewing the Sex Pistols show. She sent me a bond. And she's a massive Fall fan. I'm saying she, I'm presuming Michelle. It's not like Michelle Thomas, the popular language teacher. Or Michele, the Italian version, I believe. Oh, OK.

But anyway, Michelle makes cards with sort of bands and stuff like that on. And she's also sent me, I think, a fall card. Oh, how lovely. And so two fall things in one go. And I still get the thing where I hear the fall and think I will never see the fall live again. And I could still, even saying it now,

I can feel the throat tightening. But the music still exists. Let's not drag it down. As you say, it's not a place for moving things. You were talking about themes. Well, we've been discussing Simon May, EastEnders composer, who, as we've established composed I mean you know he was

responsible for who said El Dorado and a few other things but it got me I have been thinking about themes a lot because I encountered the man who composed the Newsnight and the Bergerac themes this week George Fenton I believe

his name is Fenton, I believe his name is. Fenton? Fascinating. He told me regarding Newsnight, at the beginning, there's a sort of... You know, the guitar bit. And he said it was because he wanted it to sound like the news coming in off the airwavesaves and it all sounded very immediate.

I mean, the thought they put into it. Oh, it should have had ticker tape. You know when you see those people holding ticker tape coming out of what looks like a carriage clock. And Frank Bergerac was influenced, there's a sort of reggae vibe going on there. Well, Jersey, of course, famous for its reggae. It was influenced by the police,

the music of the police. Oh, because he's in the police. It's about the police. Unbelievable. He should have gone Fun Loving Criminals. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215. We are live. I know. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and you can email the show

via the Absolute Radio website. All those things. Still trying to get your Green Day joke. Well, we say day for didn't. So Green Day would mean Green Didn't. Oh. Hmm. Ah.

Your day knows that. Every day's a school day. Your day knows that, didn't you? Do you like my Dame Maggie Smith in Downton Abbey response? Oh. Hey, here's the thing. Go on. Somewhat tangential.

You know the GIFs that you get on a mobile phone, like a little funny picture or moving video? Sure, like planking his pants. Somebody told me the other day that it's pronounced Jif. No. Go shut your nose. Do you say Jif or Gif? I say Gif, but I mean, I wouldn't put any...

I once called Snapchat knapsack accidentally. So, you know, I'm one of those old fools. The old fools. I came up with a very quick joke when I was told that it was gif. I said, I've been making a jaff all this time. Oh, very good. Well, I got criticised for pronouncing the name of the band Bross, Bross, by my goddaughter's best friend Lulu.

He said, it's Brose. It's Brose, you idiot. I think she did call me an idiot. Did you say you were there the first time round? I said, it's Bross. There's no such word as Bross, it's Brose. Well, I don't want to be contrary, but I always assumed it was B. Ross,

named after Bob Ross of the Joy of Painting thing. Oh, links. I thought it was like a tribute band. Oh, man. I had to then talk to her about Moss Bross, explain that the term Brose was probably only in the last 20, 15, 20 years, probably. It didn't exist um moss bros doesn't work does it no anyway what about arabos no don't send me any can i mention

something while we're on the subject of themes uh do you you know you've mentioned brass in pocket frank you have when i get money out of a cash point, I always sing Brass in Pocket as I walk away. It made me realise, I mean, less so now if I'm totally honest, but for a large portion of my life, if I was running late or in a bit of a frenzied hurry, under my breath, I would sing the Benny Hill theme. Oh.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, OK. Because I associated that with slightly frantic, speeded up activity. Well, I think it's fair to say the National Health was depicted in a very different light. It's usually a nurse in stockings and suspenders sitting having sandwiches in the park with 12 men

sitting at a certain angle. We didn't know. Different times. No, different. No. We put up a picture of my Bob Ross bobblehead, which is someone who, someone sent me. So say Bob Ross is the host, was the host,

no longer with us, thoughts with his family. And he, he, he does the joy of painting. And I, what was I going to say about it? And he does the joy of painting. And I... What was I going to say about it? Oh, I forgot what I was going to say about it. Carry on. OK. Well, I'd like to talk about...

Oh, yes. So I put a picture of me holding it on the social media. And I think the Bob Ross bobblehead is there too. Oh. And I look old on it. I'll be straight with you. I look like, do you know when Harrison Ford went through a change where his expression became, where am I? Oh, no.

Do you know that? His sort of, his mouth clamped a little and his eyes became very starry like he was looking around for anything familiar. I've got that about me. Me and Harrison Ford forever linked. Sorry Emily you were saying. Oh no it's Well I would but I think

the producer might garot me with piano wire. The producer's been very strict this morning about how long we talk It's because at the end of the show today I should point out there will be a two minute, this is not a joke. This is serious. A two-minute silence for VJ Day. So we've got to make sure we finish the show on time

because if we're doing jokes into that, that will be the end of all our careers. And quite rightly. We're going to talk about... There's actually some gigs that are actually happening. I was talking a bit earlier that my tour has been moved to January, February. Happily, many, many of the tickets are sold, so, you know. We can't socially distance those people.

No. But there's been quite a big gig this week, I believe. Is it near Newcastle? Newcastle. Oh, my lad, you should have seen us going along the scuttle. Keep your feet still, Geordie. You shall love a fishy on a little dishy. You shall love a blow.

Sookie, sookie, sookie, blah, sookie, blah, sookie, blah. Newcastle, correct. At, I believe it's called Gosforth Park, the racetrack, but it's now been rechristened, well, it's not been rechristened because it's a pop-up stadium, isn't it? But it's the Virgin Money Unity Arena. I've got to say,

if ever a company got to the chase it was virgin money I mean you know when people are a bit ashamed that they're in the sort of money so they call it you know freedom and all that exactly a viva

but virgin money alright wow it should be like 13 sobs. Sobs for you, it could have been called. Are you familiar with the phrase sobs? Sobs? A sob.

As in a substitute. Is that for doing money before you're paid? Yeah, when I worked in a factory, somebody would say, I'm going to have to ask for a sob. So they'd go to the management and say, can I have a bit of my wages a bit early? Pudding week, do you remember that?

Don't remember pudding week. When you say remember, be reasonable. Because she got paid a week behind, as it were. Pudding week was the week which was the money you got just before you broke up for holiday. So it was important to get as much money

as possible for the holidays. There you go. A little walk down industrial memory lane. I like pudding week. So anyway, the Virgin Money Unity Arena. I mean, it's not... The idea of people talking about that in years to come, like at the Shea Stadium.

What was your first gig at the Virgin Money Unity Arena? Yeah, we were in metal pens. What was that football team? They're called Something Network Solutions. Oh. Oh, yes. Don't know. Yes.

And I can't remember, but I remember they won a game or something, a big game, and the bloke on the telly said, and they'll be singing and dancing in the streets of blah, blah network solutions tonight. Someone will send me the correct quotes. They will. They'll be with us shortly. So, yes, so instead they had fans. I think the stadium normally,

there's a capacity of about 50,000, 45,000 and they had 2,500 people all on individual raised metal platforms in bubbles of five. They look like little boxing rings, don't they? Tiny little metal boxing rings

with real people sitting in them. They looked fabulous is what they looked to me. Did you think so? Oh, did I think so? It made me want to go to a gig for the first time ever. There was an ice bucket in one I saw with a bottle of wine in it or something.

There's a fridge. Very, very nice. There are seats. That's the key thing. Yeah. I can see that being alluring, the seats thing. Do you guys not fancy a seat? If I imagine myself on stage playing to that

It would be like trying to be funny through a portcullis Yeah, but look at the plus side Go around saying I sold out Hyde Park Oh, that's true, and it's only 200 people Right Take advantage, boys I think my management tell those kind of lies anyway.

We've been chatting about the first, the world's first socially distanced music gig. Hold on. What, I thought Beverly Knight

did the London Palladium about three weeks ago. Discuss. And? I thought Beverly Knight did the London Palladium about three weeks ago. Discuss. And somebody else did another world's first socially distanced gig. But were they theatre before? Or were they indoors? Were they outdoor? Oh, that was an indoor one, actually, yeah. You see, that's the thing. I think possibly

it's because it's... It's outdoor. Anyway, we won't split hairs. It's a big gig. Who did it? Sam Fender. Sam Fender. I don't know Sam Fender. Is that a real name, or has they adopted the popular guitar? No, I think it's a real name.

And he does play the guitar. You see, if I was him, I would have made a point of never learning the guitar, just to be a little bit perverse about it. Interesting one for fact fans. The keyboard player in his band is called Steve Korg M1. That's ridiculous. Martin

Kazoo. Oh, Frank. We've had a response. I mean, I knew we would, given our fabulous readers. They're so on it. Do you remember you had a poser before the musical break? I couldn't remember the full name of something.

Network Solutions, which is a... And it was when a football commentator would refer to... Football commentator. They did well. I can't remember what they did, but he said a very funny thing, which I bet is on there. I will now tell you. Matt Abbott, who is a poet, I believe.

Hey, Abbott! That's from the Abbott and Costa. A musician, as well as a poet, I believe. Hey, Abbott! That's from the Abbott Gospel. Musician, as well as a poet. OK. He says, they'll be dancing in the streets at Total Network Solutions. Total Network Solutions. It was a great, one of the great lines.

Yes. So the gig itself... Can I be straight now? I don't know Sam Fender's work, should I? I don't either. OK. He's... I think he's taken quite relatively seriously

because I think he may have supported Bob Dylan. I may have gone wrong or was asked to. So, yeah, I think he's parked in the serious slot. I think that was Sam Zimmer. He's no silly Billy. No. I think that was Sam Zimmer. He's no silly Billy. I think it's acceptable to like him. But I don't know. I loved what I saw.

Oh, because of the sheet pens and the high seats. It just seemed so civilised. I don't know, but I am post-mosh. I haven't. I don't think the mosh pit post-mosh. I haven't. Yeah, I don't think the mosh pit will be up to much

and the social distancing rules. No, that would be weird. It's going to look like one of those silent discos, you know, the things... Who am I jumping against? You'd have to hang up some punch bags. But no, I haven't moshed for probably four years. Oh, yeah, at least.

Wow. So I don't miss the mosh. I wouldn't look... White hair doesn't look right in a mosh, anyway. Unless it's, like, really white and, like... Oh, yeah, if it was Billy... Idal. Yeah.

Idal. Yeah. Doing his... Idal. Gore Vidal. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Eidol. Yeah. Eidol. Doing his... Billy Eidol. Go, go, go, go, go. Oh, yeah. Did they call him Corvinal? Never, never Corvinal.

Can I say, yeah, I just, given that I once asked for a stool at a Chemical Brothers gig... Did you? I think this is ideal, nay, adult for me, this set up. Did that... If Ali... You know that chemical, brother? Chemical Ali. If he'd have heard that.

Oh, for goodness sake. Oh, man, he'd be furious. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Can we say quickly, the Newcastle gig, the venue, the Virgin Money Unity Arena, is that right? Mm-hm, OK. When was he getting the Virgin Money thing?

VMUA, I suspect they'll start calling it. Van Morrison, he's going to do a gig there as well. That's because he's only been asked, because they can use the VM of Van Morrison for Virgin Money on the posters. What I think will be great about that is it's not ideal, as you were saying, for the performer,

but he seems such a laid-back, easy-going man, Van Morrison. I can't foresee any issues at all. I spoke to someone who was on tour with Van Morrison and Bob Dylan and they went to a long... They decided they weren't going to speak to each other and he said he'd been in a restaurant with them having a meal and Van would say something like...

I'm going to do the accents. I think you're all right with that one. Yeah. Would you be after telling Bob that I thought he did a good gig tonight? And he would literally have to say, Van thinks that you did a really good gig tonight. Tell Van, thank you.

Bob said, it was like that. Weird. Can I tell you my favourite Van Morrison thing I think I have to I firstly like I read an interview

with him in the Guardian once and he got surprisingly he got a bit irritated and annoyed but

he said is this some kind of psychiatric evaluation oh wow it's a good question and then he said it certainly feels like it. I mean, a lot of the long interviews in The Guardian do have that quality, so he's nailed it.

I've never read... I don't think I've ever read a whole long article in any newspaper. I always do. I'm a sort of three or four paragraph man. I understand. Frank, my last favourite of EM is his song where Copycats ripped off my songs. The fact that he actually has that as a

lyric in the song. Wow, excellent. I didn't know that. Good, he must get fed up with people thinking I'm having that. We do that. People, you know. Yeah, no, I'm sure he does. The van, I think they didn't call them vans. Oh, yeah. Yeah he does. The van. I think they didn't call them vans. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You know, a looting van used to be called just a looting. Yes. We should say for people that are in the North East that might want to go to future gigs, there are future gigs coming up. There are? Lockdown gigs. None of the headliners are the vaccines, I noticed.

No. Or the cure. No. Shame. I'm told, by the way, by the producer, who's the youngest person in the room, that Sam Fender is word-checking out. Yeah.

She's actually recommended hypersonic missiles as the track to start with. So I'm on Apple Music after this. You might like it. Apple Music for my cause collection. Yeah. And have you listened to the Taylor Swift album? Oh,

no. No, me neither. I have. I know. I've read about one of the tracks on it, though. Oh, I love it when you read about Taylor Swift. Well, because it was, as you know, I'm a great aficionado of poetry. Aren't you?

And she's done a thing about the Lake District, including, well, I won't tell you what it includes, because the producer has hit me so hard in the ribs. With a rhythm stick. I think I'll be weaned blood for a fortnight. Good night. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, you mentioned Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift, yeah.

Who has got a new album out, I believe, called Folklore. And there's a hidden track on it, is it? Is it a hidden track? I think it's a bonus. One of them bonus tracks. It's one of them bonus tracks. What does that mean? What does that even mean?

I think in this instance it's on the physical album, perhaps, rather than the one that modern types like Frank Skinner and I... It's not the one I've been listening to on Apple Music. No. No. But she's got a song on there about the Lake District. The lakes. Which harks back to when she dated Harry Styles.

Well, I don't know. Harry Styles, apparently she flew over the lakes with Harry Styles. No plane. Oh, because he can fly. Because he can, and you might remember, he can levitate to quite a height, Harry Styles. With those collars these days.

Took her by her slim. And also, because she's got the famously long legs, if he started to falter in flight, just put those down. Oh, nice, yeah. Well, I think, you see, she's got a new partner now, hasn't she? Joe Wall, we know. That's a shame, though, because had she married Harry Styles, her name would have been Taylor Styles.

Wouldn't that have been like a kind of... Oh, I can add her to the menswear shop. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she missed her trick there. I prefer Taylor Orwin, because it sounds a bit more like accountants who might rip me off. Yes.

I wish she'd married someone called Davis, then her name would have been Taylor Davis as a tribute to that fabulous snooker World Cup final. Wow. World Cup final. Very good final. Anyway, she does... 77?

No, it can't be. I think it was later than that. I'm trying to talk about poetry. They're going on about 77 snooker World Cup final. I mean, is this as man but this? Sorry, definitely got it wrong. She does... It's the lakes and it's homage to the Lake District.

And obviously, I think we should go over briefly to our poetry correspondent, Frank Skinner, to get his take on Taylor's, it's a sort of ode to Wordsworth, is it? Well, she does that, well, as a pun on Wordsworth. This is what she says. I've come too far to watch some name dropper sleaze telling me what are my words worth. Oh, yeah. Now, one could argue that that was name dropping. Yeah.

A physician heal thyself. That's what I say to Taylor Swift. I haven't heard the song, but the pun on Words and Worth is one I've seen several times, including sometimes in the early 19th century. Is it? Oh, OK. And the late 18th, even,

if it's just squeezed in after the lyrical ballads, if you know what I'm talking about. Also, Frank Skinner in Late Windermere, Take Me to the Lakes, where all the poets went to die. Those Windermere peaks look like a perfect... No, Di was a local woman in the lakes. I don't want to cast aspersions. She had a bit of a reputation.

Very popular. Presumably, you are a fan of poetry being celebrated in by Taylor. Oh, look, you know, I mean, if one Taylor Swift fan gets a copy of The Complete Wordsworth and dips in, or even just goes online, that would be a good thing. It won't happen, let's face it. OK. I am...

This... Because of her famously long legs you wouldn't want to be in the legs and see her in denim shorts coming over the striding edge it would be like in War of the Worlds when they first appear on those those terrible telescopic

oh terrifying especially like with Harry just coming through the clouds Harry Styles I think we need to start we have to finish at exactly the right time today, I could talk about Taylor Swift

till you will Oscar, you will, till the Swifts come home, but thank you so much for listening to us this week and you know what if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise

we'll be back again this time next week now get out