The Frank Skinner Show - Michael Rove

Episode Date: September 4, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank stayed in a hotel and tried toast for the first time in a while. The team also discuss Michael Gove’s trip to a nightclub, balsamic vinegar and bad fancy dress.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning to you both. Morgan. Good morning. website good morning to both Morgan morning good morning to all our room I could probably do them individually if you got a couple of minutes now no other

them as a group to all our readers this morning I am I've been on the road this week oh I've been filming there you'll see you just been driving around in your new car no i never go for a drive this is something i've never done in my life um i've never ever do it on the road have you been for a drive i mean i don't mean driven somewhere have you ever thought i'm gonna go for a drive i don't think i have no i've done it I think I love a drive and I remember reading

I think we have discussed this before on the show but Kanu the former Arsenal player regularly did that when he arrived at Arsenal because he didn't have any friends and didn't know anyone and he would just say I'll just go for a drive for two hours the other thing about that is if I'd seen Kanu

and he'd said do you want to come for a drive for me i would i would have gone i thought that would have been interesting yeah i'd have driven him i think this is it i mean you know we live in a country change it to would would you then be going for a passenger well we know al already that Frank gets into cabs very much like Crocodile Dundee right in the front seat. Well, they don't like that anymore, actually, those days of driving. But no, you know that this country is

crippled by loneliness, its citizens, and that's all it needs is some system, now that we're on social media, where Carnu can put out an APB all persons bulletin and says I fancy going for a drive

anyone want to come imagine how many Arsenal fans would have been on because he became a West Brom player Carnu

yeah but can I just tell you it was a strange coincidence he was he was one of our he was a really fabulous player even when he came to us.

No one knew how old he was. Oh, I remember when we had those. He was one of those fabulous African passports. He could be 40 and he could be 93. But anyway, he was brilliant for us. And we also had a brilliant player, Brian Robson, who I'm sure you know. And then we had a player called Robson Karnu. Oh, come on.

I mean, what's the chances of that? It's written in the stars. Yeah, I left out the weather. It was a brilliant bit on that last bit. I don't know if you noticed that. So, cut to you in your car. Yes. Also, I've never done that thing that people do in soap operas

when they say, I'm just going to go out and get some air. A suggestion that air doesn't come indoors. How do you think, people should say, well, how do you think we're surviving in here? Yeah. Really usually they're just phoning someone they're having a bit of a thing with. Yeah.

So, yes, I was, do you remember when I spoke on the show about names that really don't, where people really haven't made the effort like a fly for example. Whoever named a fly has really not gone to the second page of the

insect naming book. It's a real first thought. There must be wasps thinking why can't I be called a fly? And you know there's lots of them. Spiders have made the effort. Could be webbies.

Yeah, exactly. Didn't go webbies. You wouldn't arrive at that name immediately, would you? No. But an orange, you know, is the other thing. Come on. Lovely work from spiders, though. And teeter, I think we discussed last time.

Yeah. Well, I mean, football. Anyway. Anyway, what I'm leading up to is this week I was in the Somerset town of Bridgewater. Oh, come on. I may try a little bit, for goodness sake. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I don't know if you've ever noticed that sometimes on YouTube clips,

the first commenter puts first. Have you ever seen that? No. I don't know. I can't remember ever looking at a comment on a YouTube. I wasn't even sure that there were any. Well, we've had our first comment from the outside world today, from 619, and they didn't put first, but they did put size 15 feet, Carnu,

which I think is a great comment. Wow. It's a very strong fact. And size, I believe size 5, Sven Goran Eriksson. Really? No way. Man, don't go out in the snow, Sven. Topher of Swede.

It's like when my dog Ray goes out in the snow. Those are footprints. The Carnu size 15. It sounds like Sven, Gore and Ericsson could have worn Carnu's shoes over his own. Yeah. He could have worn them as overshoes in Bad Web to stop him sinking into the snow.

Sven's footprints look like a dog in socks. That's what I think he would have looked like. How strange. I won't tell you how I know that. No. But that's a good fact. My turn. I like to think that Carnu might have gone in the oversized shoe shop

at the bottom of my road before it sadly closed recently. That's where he was driving around, like on the street where you live. He was driving around looking for that. Looking for where he could get some 15s. How long are the laces in a pair of size 15s? Anyway. It's too big, Carnu.

What about the poor apprentices that have to polish them every week? They must have had two. Two of the youth team doing... I'll do the heel and you do the toe. And what would it be? What's the top of the foot called? I want to know.

It's got a lot of bones in the top of the foot. Oh, yeah. There's all sorts, aren't there? You'll know things like this. My theory about it is that that is why when you go to a hotel, you either get body wash in the shower or very, very small soap. Because if you drop a big bar of soap on the top of your foot, you could break a bone.

That could be a court case. Okay. I was staying at a hotel in Bridgewater this week. Oh, yes. And a couple of things happened. First of all, the cleaners are not operating because of the global pandemic. So I was there for three nights and a cleaner never crossed my threshold during that period. You know what?

It was much, much better. Why? Yeah. Because what do they do, cleaners? I mean, they do for a start-off, they do deliberately that which I really try not to do accidentally. So they come into my room when I'm not there

and leave the light and the telly on. Deliberately. Feeling that i'm the sort of person i don't want to walk into a room that's like a dark room dark silent room that would be awful no incorrect and also well they don't get a lot of the monastic types like you you know you like you embrace that yeah but they also they don't even leave the telly on a channel it says something like hello frank on it in like a really cheap sort of pac-man font on the telly is that supposed to make me think oh this is a glamorous spot it's like when you get the hotel brochure and on the front there isn't a picture of the hotel at all there There's a close-up of a glass of red wine

with a blurry cityscape behind it. What's that going to mean? Well, I'm glad I'm here with the nearsighted alcoholics. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, I'll tell you what happened to me. I was... I breakfasted alone at the hotel. What is this?

I always... Peeps' diary. You've got a sad sound effect for that. No, I'm good with it. Oh, that's like Samuel Peeps' diary. I also do this thing which I have mentioned before, is that I don't look at my phone or read anything. I sit and stare straight ahead.

And I really like it, but there's no one else in the flat ever doing it. It's like the phone has completely wiped out sitting and staring straight ahead, whereas I feel completely comfortable doing it. And I like that the people around me feel less comfortable because I'm doing it. But the woman came up to you. You know, they come up to you at the table and say, do you want tea or coffee and all this?

And then she said, do you want white toast or brown toast? Well, I wasn't planning on having toast, but I didn't want to be rude. So I said, I'll have brown toast well i wasn't planning on having toast but i didn't want to be rude so i said i love brown toast and then i thought oh no i've got toast coming anyway it arrived and i realized i don't think i've had a piece of toast with nothing on it for about 10 years. No butter? Well, butter on it, but I mean, you know. So I had a slice of buttered toast, full stop. Yeah, that was it. And halfway through, I started thinking, this is great.

It's great, isn't it? I love buttered toast. What if I'd been wasting my time not eating buttered toast? I know we talk about late reviews on it. But really, it was, I, oh man, I wanted to, well, I'd say I wanted to hug this woman, obviously that's out of the question on so many grounds. But I was really pleased with myself to the point where the next morning

the woman came over and said, do you want tea or coffee? I said, I'll have tea or coffee and I'll have some brown toast, please. And do you know what? It wasn't as good. And that's something I've always found in my life. You can't go to the same party twice. Oh, okay.

It was great. I should have left it at that. But now I'm back on the, I'm shrugging. You can't see the shrug at home, but I'm saying toast, shrug in brackets. Although toast, another bit of very lazy naming. I suppose that's true, yeah. You know.

Also, I did some of that. You know you get the sort of generation game toaster at some hotels where you put it on and it goes on a little conveyor belt. It's like a sort of extreme makeover. It'd be a rubbish generation game. You'd only ever win toast. That's obviously all you'd remember because that's all. I should say if you're a younger person

or a person who was too poor to have a television in the 70s, that on the generation game, the prizes would go past the winner. It's interesting. They won, but that wasn't quite enough. The prizes would go past them on a conveyor belt and they only got the ones they remembered which is great they should they should bring that back for things like just wages and stuff like that medals um olympic medals just checking my contract

yeah but so um yeah it was i really wish i hadn't If I'd just had that one, I would be on here now singing the praises of... It's saying that thirst is the best thing since sliced bread. Yeah, exactly. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I was walking through Bridgewater and a man approached me. Very nice chap. His name was, I don't know how to say his name. He was called Ivar and he was from Shrewsbury.

And we had a little chat and he didn't want a photo or anything, just to say hello and it was nice. And we talked, I suppose, for about three minutes and then we went each our own ways. And he was wearing, Ivor, a gold brocade jerkin clasped at the neck and black pleated pantaloons that ended about halfway down his... He was a man, probably, I don't know, I don't want to put an age on him really, pantaloons that ended about halfway down his car. It was a man, probably, I don't know,

I don't want to put an age on him really, but maybe late 40s. Goodness. Right. And during the whole conversation... You edging him does feel a bit like you're sort of saying, is he too old or too young for that? I don't know. What I'm talking about is a sort of

Sultan's right right hand man. Oh, that was the look, was it? Yes. But the great thing was we spoke for a while. I never mentioned it. Good lad. It's one of the most English things I've ever done. I love that.

But it was, I mean, it was a striking outfit. What sort of, if you had to put a century on it, what would you go for, do you think? Well, I'm not very good on the East. Oh, I see. It had that flavour. I'll be with you. It had that flavour.

I get it. I could imagine. You know that some of the great nabobs and Eastern rulers used to have a man whose job was to say to them every day, one day you shall die. And that was their job to keep their feet on the... Is that essentially my job? Not a bad gig.

You say not a bad gig, but with those old nabobs, there's always a chance they're going to take it the wrong way. Who do you think you're talking to? It's one of those statements that you can imagine someone taking. Why bring that up? Well, that's my job. Never mind your job. Yes, he sounds very much my late grandmother, who had five husbands and several boyfriends

but that's another story. She briefly dated when she was living in Turkey a man who described his job as the king's messenger. And I'd like to see this man maybe his style was quite king's messenger chic. Well I'm thinking now that maybe he was in some sort of

show. It really didn't look just like eccentric clothing. I mean, it could have been, but it was at the sharp end of... He just didn't mention that he was playing the lead in the Ottoman Empire, the musical or something. Did I mention, by

the way, that he was sitting cross-legged on a magic carpet? He could have been. He would not have looked... I mean, there's very few of us who can confidently say that we wouldn't look out of place on a magic carpet. He could have been. He would not have looked. I mean, there's very few of us who can confidently say that we wouldn't look out of place on a magic carpet,

but he'd have slotted in. Did he come up to you with his first words? I can show you the world. No, I think he offered to show me Bridgewater. But, you know, tiny steps. Frank Skimmer.

Absolute radio. Have we had any... Sometimes I think there's no-one listening, I'll be honest with you. Oh, no, there's definitely people listening. We've heard from the outside world, and it's not just textings. What, Alfresco Mond? Yeah, it's not just textings about footballers and football managers' shoe sizes,

although they're obviously welcome. Yeah. 033, who's also known as Nugget, who's a fairly regular contributor to the show. Oh, yeah, I think he's... Quite a lengthy text. He's probably got a carriage clock coming up. He's been with us so long.

I'm going to focus on part one of Nugget's offering read the apparent demise of joke shops Frank following up on your discussion a couple of weeks ago during which you asked shops could I suggest that they have been subsumed into fancy dress

shops the two fancy dress shops which come to mind nearest to us both stock a variety of traditional joke shop offerings. Rubber excrement, clothes peg chewing gum, whoopee cushions, prank bugs, squirting buttonholes, flowers, etc. Fear not, Frank. I think you will find that the joke shop is still going strong. I think this is an

interesting idea that it's been subsumed by fancy dress yeah it's a bit like um the um timpsons thing you see you can go and get your keys done get your shoes mended get your watch battery sometimes if you're lucky you can get a sports trophy yeah yeah oh okay well that's that's i that's bad news for me because i find um how can i put it the sort of lower end of the fancy dress costume shops um distressing places yeah you know if i see a a badly cut lapel on a black satin Dracula jacket. Can I tell you my worst thing? Well, I will anyway. Go on.

Is fancy dress costumes. And I have seen people, because I've been to a few in my time, you know, as have you, Frank. When I see the fold marks in the costume, that makes me very depressed. I know it arrived that morning in the cellophane and I can still see where it was folded in the packaging. My problem... I don't want to see Spider-Man's folds.

I only... Well, speak for yourself. I only... In some of the later films, that's... I only go, really, to Halloween fancy dress. And my thing is when people wear a standard outfit and just put a bit of blood on the shirt. Oh, yeah. I mean, come on.

So you just become, oh, I've got that policewoman outfit. I can be zombie policewoman. Yeah, that's a popular film. I remember that. Absolute rubbish. Would it be? No, I haven't got time. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Frank, I would like to begin this hour with some correspondence from our loyal readers.

Lovely. Firstly, Laugh and Let Die has been in touch. OK. It's a minor Correzione. Supersonic was Little and Large. Oh, now that's quite, I said it was Cannon and Ball. Now that's a major, I'd take that as a, I'm going to give her the, is it a her?

I have a sense it was a her. Supersonic, Sid Little, as they pointed out, as opposed to Correzione, Correzione, ole, ole, ole. It's beautifully mixed, that jingle, I always think. Yeah. opposed to... Beautifully mixed that jingle I always think. I tell you what, it's the audio version of when they invented blue screen on television and people used to move about with all that sort of blurry bit around the edges of them. John Pertwee, if you want to check that out, is Doctor Who. Okay.

Is that right? Oh, I look forward to that. 710 has also been in touch. Morning, Frank, mate. I've just woken up, but have a great show. Give my regards to Alan and lots of love to Emily. That's mine in Cardiff. I love that.

Should that have been a text? No, but you know sometimes people, isn't it nice that someone thought, I don't need to say anything special, I'll just... Yeah. Do you know what else I like about that? What? Frank doesn't read the text so what's just happened is you

gave regards to Frank for him to give back to you and me. Can I tell you what else I like about Wayne in Cardiff? Really respectful. The old ways are going, but I like this. He gave you his regards and he gave me his love. Okay.

Okay. Bit of a nice move, maybe. Do you imagine there was a bit of a nod? I wish you'd have put brackets, nodding, at the end. No, that's nice that that's like when you're used to work in a factory and you got in in the morning and obviously i didn't get any texts or anything because they weren't none but um just that sort of nodding morning all right yeah just uh just gonna do me toast and was the days when i still liked it oh yeah i thought i spoke earlier about having toast after a long period

and really liking it and then not liking it. It reminded me a bit, you know when you go back out with an X and then it's like great and then suddenly you remember why you stopped. Oh, right. That's what it was with the toast. Also, M.H. Whittington wants to know... M.H. Whittington? This is written in Robin Hood writing on a scroll.

Good Lord. M.H. Whittington has been in... How lovely. Celebrated awful. This is on Twitter. There isn't enough formality like that on Twitter. Respect to you, M8. M.H. Whittington. This is our demographic now, guys. Get used to it. Whatever happened

to Mariah Carey's feathers? Oh, yes. It was Bring On the Feathers wasn't it it was do you remember she was in the middle of a gig in which she ended with a sort of

fan dance and the gig wasn't going it was in Times Square I think the gig was floundering and she just said Bring on the Feathers

in other words let's curtail this nightmare and I used to end the show you did with it we've had a few

alternative I've tried a few different endings apart from the Greek one. Well, it's been a while, as is indicated by the fact that M.H. Whittington from 1862 has got in touch about it. I think I tried the Black Country farewell, Terarbit, as well. I like that. For a while. Tararabit. And I went in a pub this week in Nether Stowey.

What were you doing in a pub? You don't have to drink. And the bloke who run it was a black country bloke, I think, as were his family with him. And as I left, I shouted, Tararabit, and I heard about four, Tararabit, Tar think, as were his family with him. And as I left, I shouted, ta-da-ra-bit, and I heard about four, ta-da-ra-bit, ta-ra-bit,

coming back from the... Oh, it took me back to the glory days. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Before we do anything else, I need to get something off my chest. OK, here we go. Michael Gove. Ah, yes. Before we do anything else, I need to get something off my chest. Okay. Here we go. Michael Gove. Ah, yes.

He has been giving it large this week. Right. Did you see this, Al? He's been raving, hasn't he? He was at a Jungle Techno Night. Who was it? In the Aberdeen area. The pub is called you have a question Frank Skinner

no I just that sound is my disbelief groan he went to a night spot it was a pub it was an O'Neill's it's very complicated this whole set up it was an O'Neill's pub he went to the club upstairs

called Bohemia. The specific night was called Pipe. Right. Okay. I don't know what Pipe. Is Pipe a kind of music? No. You get piped music, don't you? Jungle Techno is the music. Jungle Techno, of course. Are you familiar with Jungle Techno?

Oh, who isn't? I mean, it's a lot of are they the guys that men knows as zebra pattern jeeps is it anything like an acid uh reflex yeah i no no i'll tell you what it's like it's very out this is very your area isn't it but it's the early 90s don't stereotype because he lives in Manchester, doesn't mean he knows all this stuff. No, that's not why I live in Manchester, but I do like that sort of music.

Oh, okay. It's rare that I find myself in the same bit of the Venn diagram as Michael Gove. That's what shocked me. And he was on his own in this. So he was listening to the music. Players gonna play.

I mean, so Frank doesn't know it, but you know the sort of music. Yeah. One popular... Are you familiar with Dead Man's Chest? No. Okay. Only it's in an old pirate song.

15 hands on a dead man's chest, yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum. Imagine if he was dark. That's what you'd be dark. I don't mind dancing to that. You would go to that club. Yeah, and you know what? I'd just, like, fold one knee up,

so I went a bit long John Self. Anyway. So he's on his own. This is the other thing. He's on his own at a jungle techno night in... Well, I think technically speaking, he went for a pint on his own. Technically technically speaking he went for a pint on his own

he went for a pint on his own he's strange and then some friends in the bar said well we're going upstairs to the jungle techno night called pipe and he thought it was pan pipes and I think that's what happened he went no I made that bit up he's made it up he's lied

I don't think he was just hiding from Dennis the menace do you no I tell you I think because there was this other thing

wasn't there that the the man who appears to be the manager of pipe extraordinary job yeah he claimed

that when Gove ascended the stairs to Bohemia... Yeah. ...at 1.15am... Which I would have thought he did a while back. Yeah. He made the ascension at 1.15am. Wowee!

It's late, Frank. But was he on his own? Yes, he was. I mean, it's an absolute... We absolutely 100% do you remember recently we talked about

when the Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp yes was spotted sitting on someone's shoulders

on Wembley way before an England game and it turned out it was a looky likey as I believe

they're now called. Yeah. Is there any, the interesting thing about that is that Jurgen Klopp doesn't look like Jurgen Klopp anymore. Yeah. But perhaps that's just to put that guy out of work. Yeah. But, do you know what I mean? If his story was Jurgen Klopp had been seen alone at a nightclub and now wanted to be called JK,

we would think, oh, it's that bloke again. Is there any way this could be a Gove... A Gover-like. Gover-like, yeah. No. OK. I just wanted to establish that. In that case, I feel I can approach this with more Gosto.

So, Gove. Another little detail with Gove, who was sans tie, I noticed. Yeah, you know what what that's the one thing that made me think it wasn't a look alike because a look alike would have gone for the tie to look as Gove like as possible

and the fact he had an open collar I couldn't believe that he was dancing in a suit jacket though I mean if I'm in a place and it's even remotely warm that suit jacket is coming off i'm in the shirt but dancing in it indoors i mean wow yeah but it was i was happy that he was in that because um do you remember those pictures of uh who was the bald man who was the head of the Conservative Party? Well, narrow it down, love.

William Hague? Duncan, no, not... Who was he? Ian Duncan Smith? No, it wasn't him, was it? The one who was sounded... William Hague. Who said he liked to pint.

William Hague. Oh, I said him. Sorry, I... Sorry, there was pictures of him in, like, Box Fresh trainers and baseball caps. And I thought, no, please don't do it. Don't do anything but don't do this that's what i thought and i think i i don't imagine gove's got that in his wardrobe no right he um i'll tell you what i liked about the clip because there's actually someone has as kindly videoed um michael gove

on the dance floor yes um i bet that you look good well it might be um because i thought maybe this is uh michael gove trying to look like one of the people and he's gone he's he's done a gesture like when you see boris johnson driving a forklift truck with a white hat on. But the video, which has been edited, it's a bit like the montage when Rocky gets super fit. Because it keeps cutting and it's a different piece of music. So he's not up there for like two minutes. He's up there for like an hour, Michael Gove. Oh, yeah.

He popped the night away. He was dancing, according to Onlooker's claims. Oh, yeah. Well, I'm going to start a company called that, which sells information to the press. Between the hours of 1.15am and 2.30am, and we should add, I say we should add, if we want to be unnecessarily cruel,

the manager of Pipe, extraordinary job, claimed that he... Is he called Dwayne? He suggested he should not have to pay. He tried to dodge the £5 entry fee, allegedly saying, but I am the Chancellor of the duchy of lancaster i must have been i've used a few uh ruses to get free into places but that i would let so in fact if i'd have been behind him in the queue i'd have said mate i'll pay after that yeah let me get this uh duchy i think you should try or i might have sneaked by and passed the dutchie on the left-hand side.

Very good. He doesn't go on the left-hand side, as you know. But, Frank, you should try. What about I'm the former president of the Samuel Johnson Society? Well, I did do a terrible thing once at a football do, and they said to me, have you got your pass? And I reached in my pocket, took out my pointed finger and just pointed at my face i mean what an awful what an awful person what an awful thing to i got in but even so yeah you got in but at what price me um yes you're quite right i've never quite looked at

myself the same since but still that's better i better. I mean, it was, you know, otherwise I wouldn't have got in and we all have to make sacrifices. Five quid as well. What a night out. I'm standing at the moment. I just took my jacket off. And there are some, I remember I got interviewed at the moment. I just took my jacket off. And there are some... I remember I got interviewed by Bush once on...

The band? Oh, no, Andy Bush. Is there a band called Bush? Yes, of course there is. I think there's quite a big band called Bush. There's one called Rosh. There's Bush as well. Okay, fair enough.

Anyway, I got interviewed by Bush, and he stood throughout. I felt like I was a headmaster who brought him in to question him about some things. Obviously, I sat. And there is a theory that if you stand, your voice has more zing and energy to it. Okay. Is that what you want? It's not what I'm after, but some people are.

You know, they're more ambitious than me. These young presenters, they're prepared ambitious than me, these young presenters. They're prepared to stand if it gives them an extra zing. So this gove in the club, the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster in Pipe on 2.30am, it sparked, I mean, it went viral, the clip, and then it sparked, heated a bit on on GMB which I caught. Good morning Britton. Did you? Yes. Oh did he? So he's fessed up. Yeah he's fessed up.

He didn't claim looking like he No, no, no. He's admitted it. There's been quite a lot of knock on effect because I don't know if you saw the clip where he does the popular dance big fish little fish cardboard box. Did he do that? And he's since been reshuffled to the Department of Fisheries and Agriculture.

I fell for that. Hook, line and sinker. Oh, very good. Very good. So... Oh, my Lord. I mean, the two of them are going off like... It's like standing in a firework display.

But, so I saw this heated debate about the subject on GMB. Yeah. I love a heated debate about the subject on GMB. I love a heated debate on GMB. Who does GMB? No, Piers Morgan or Scott. Susanna Reid, I love her. Ben? I don't know. Ben?

Oh yeah, Ben. Ben, yeah. Ben 1, I call him Ben 1. So, they were discussing it and they had a singer who was ben um come on everyone come on everyone ben shepherd ben shepherd of course ben shepherd just suggest that twice did you didn't hear you oh sorry oh you cut out there it's just what we've just been talking about bush and it all got a bit i got confused in my mind shepherds bush anyway so this is sorry ben if you're listening he's very nice chap handsome as well anyway this scottish singer called talia

who's 22 and she said the problem is old people shouldn't be allowed into nightclubs she went so far as to say people over 40 okay Okay. Tony Blackburn was presenting... I would say over 30. Yeah. I would say no one should be in nightclubs at awful places. Tony Blackburn was there. He got rather upset.

He said, look, I was 60 when I first went to Ibiza. And he said, I went to a trance club. Blackburn. 60! 60 in a trance club! Well, still, Blackburn has spoken. Oh, come on. Yeah.

Wow. But you know what? I was in a pub once in London in the evening, and they were playing some sort of thumping music. I wouldn't be able to identify the actual genre, but it was, you know, dance music. And a guy came in, it was very much an office guy,

and he asked the barman, he got a bottle of beer and said, could I put my briefcase behind the bar? And he danced for about, I don't want to exaggerate, it was probably half an hour, and he really went for it. And he was for about, I don't want to exaggerate, it was probably half an hour, and he really went for it. And he was not old, but he was like shoving 40. And then he drank the beer, got his briefcase, he went.

And I really admired him. I thought, that is great. If you want, you know when they say dance like there's no one watching, it's hard to do that if you're Michael Gove. But this is what everyone says we should do. We should be able to just not care about somebody, some Scottish singer on GMB, laying down the law, the ageist law,

about who can dance and who can't. I'll tell you what she said. She said, I'm just coming into my prime. She said, I don't want to see my dad and my dad's friends cutting shapes. Alan? I like that. Yeah, I just think shut your eyes then.

And while you're at it, also your mouth. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Can I ask a question? The woman who said on GMB that no one over 40 should go to a club

I mean I'm speaking now objectively because I wouldn't go to a club for various reasons I'm not mainly because I'm not single, which for me is kind of the only reason to ever go to a club. Michael Gove is, as the tabloids call him, newly single. Yes.

That's what he is. Yes, he's recently announced his divorce. I should think, I mean, God bless Michael Gove, but a lot of people whose relationship is in quite a bad way, middle-aged people, will have looked at that and said, let's try and fix this. Because it's hard to go back out there when, oh, you don't want to go back out there.

But, yeah, I've accepted now that it was real. It's real. I'm just trying to work out whether it's, you know, it's just a bloke doing what he wants to do or whether there's some sort of need for an intervention. What were you... You were talking about the young woman, Frank. I just think that to say no one over 40 should go to a nightclub

is a bit like if I went on GMB and said women shouldn't go to football matches. Which you regret doing that time. And you only told me that three times. I did regret. Frank has never said that. I did regret

and I genuinely I did regret saying that one good thing about football hooliganism is it kept the middle classes away from football and obviously that was not

a good thing to say. But you know, ageism is the ism which you can get away with, of course. Also, Scottish, when Talia Storm said anyone over 40, oh yeah, right, what, does that include Ryan Gosling, does it?

Or Bradley Cooper? I imagine you turning them down if they tried to get in. Also, Tony Blackburn came back with quite a salty response, which I enjoyed. Oh, he's still got it, Blackburn. Like the first bird. What did he say?

I've been over 1,000, I believe. He said... Well, you'd better hurry up and get on with it. You've only got 18 years left here. Oh, salty. No, I just... People do bandy about this dance like there's no one watching so and why shouldn't govi go uh go a dancing govi when a court in heated ride yeah exactly i don't think i'd be defending michael gove well i didn't but you know what? I think where I think we're perhaps all united on the Venn diagram

is we all despise the cool. And it seems like a very cool people thing to do. I don't want to say I despise them. I suppose I do hate them. But that to me is a bit less than despise. I'm glad you cleared that up. Ian Angle, one of our regular joke correspondents. Yeah, he's not cool.

Has texted. People who pawn, and I know this from my own experience, their cork is down the drain pretty quickly. Yeah. He says, do you reckon Gove is going for Chancellor of the Exchequer? Oh, Chancellor. Wow.

That's an angle and a half. It came in a way that the past tense of rave isn't rove, because then they could have had a headline like Michael Rove. Yeah, that is. I wish the past tense of raved was to rove. Yes, I like to rove in a beat. Actually, it wouldn't be the past tense, would it? It'd be roved.

No, you're right. Yeah, I mean, come on, let's clear this up. One thing I don't want is sloppy grammar on this show. Yeah. She's a lovely woman. Yeah, but we don't have guests anymore. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio we were discussing

we've been discussing all morning actually is Frank not going to do his oh it's my fault I don't know it was I apologise I mean I'm not I don't mind no no I have to do it there was a slight

anyway this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show Via the absolute radio website

Oh There you go I think everyone got there Bit late to the recent sea shanty craze I think I'd like to bring in a few folkies Can you imagine waking up to that, Al? I just played Atomic by Blondie on the main radio station and there was an asterisk on my Atomic

and that means fact for radio presenter to read out. And the one on this was that Debbie Harry's autobiography comes out on the 1st of October 2019 oh shut up now I think someone needs to have a little shuffle through the facts yeah do you know I mean unless it's like this day in history type of thing that we even that would be would be wrong but anyway i missed that i don't know about you me too can we continue with the gobernator okay we've been discussing michael gove the club pipe within bohemia within o'neill's and also clubbing in general for the for the slightly senior which is over 40 now okay bad news for you for our demographic well I always think over 30 is that for me that's when you got to stop calling yourself young well we always had a rule I think

I told you someone once said to me once you hit 27, you can't say I'm only 27. Only as up till 27. Oh, okay. That's a good one. I'm only 26. That's good, yeah. I'm only 26 we'll cope with, not 27. Anthony Moss, who I'm already warming to enormously

on account of his Twitter bio being instead of proud father of one, he's got ashamed father of one. I love Anthony Moss. Anthony Moss says, you should be forced to go to a nightclub once a year after 40 to stop you pining for your youth

when you're reminded of how truly awful the entire experience is. I love Mossy. That's a very good... When I think of the times I've gone to nightclubs looking for company as it were, I've just stood around cradling a pint.

Oh, tragic staring into the darkness. Anyway. I'd be up for it. I think it sounds good. What, standing on your own in a club, cradling a pint, staring into the darkness? Okay, fair enough. If there's the right DJ on...

Oh, no. No, you've hit the nail on the head. I wouldn't... Some of our correspondents, we should offer balance here. Nigel Soul, for example. Me and my... I wonder what kind of music he's into. He says, me and my partner went to a Northern Soul all nighter last Sunday.

I'm 64 and she's 65. And we were nowhere near the oldest. Isn't there? Yeah. Yeah, but they were probably like Wigan's chosen few, weren't they? Every first time around or something like that. Yeah. Well, yeah.

I think if you want to go, it shouldn't be you're too old, ever. No. Okay. Now, Craig Revel Horwood got involved in this whole thing and did a sort of analysis of Gove's dancing, forgetting the well-known fact that we've all had enough of experts. But off Craig went, and he was a double-edged sword, Craig, I thought. He started off by saying, well, darling, and all that stuff,

about saying it was very repetitive, and he did this annoying flick of the wrist that he kept doing. And then he said 10 out of 10 for enjoying himself. He did say that. Which I've never heard him say on Strictly. No. Ever. So he sort of balanced it somewhat

by his own whole Woodian standards, which can be cruel. Cruel cruel, cruel in the extreme. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about Craig. Yes. Where did the tradition come from on reality TV shows that people are always called by their first name, almost on their own?

Do you know on like, and now on Britain's Got Talent, it's Matthew. And you think, how did that happen? Well, of course, the classic was, was it X Factor? And the winner is Steve. And he thought, can you imagine, have you got Steve's new album? Yeah, well, what is it? Mechanic of the Year.

Craig, yes, I believe what he said, his issue was that he hadn't rehearsed the dance. He said, if you're going to hadn't rehearsed the dance he said if you're going to do a dance like that he said you've got to rehearse it at home

because that's not a tragic concept is it? yeah if there was a video not of Gove at a club rehearsing at home

that would have been a more tragic it's funny I started when I first watched this video i was a bit embarrassed the more i talk about it the more i'm starting to see him as a hero i do too i know i'm warming to michael it's similar to the theresa may dance which i i think i had a similar feeling

i don't know that i still i'm still embarrassed by that just when when you mentioned it. No, see, we're going to have to agree to differ here. You never let me do that. Do I not? Sorry to convince me, so I have to agree with you in the end, or I'm in big trouble. And yet our friendship has endured. I know, it's incredible. We're both sturdy individuals, confident in our own skins.

I wish he'd had... You know when people used to have the old Volkswagen thing? Was it Volkswagen they used to have around their neck? Oh, yeah. I wish he'd had, like, the little silver lady from Rolls-Royce or something in a very British industry. That would have looked great. Who I believe, come to think of it, is known as the spirit of ecstasy.

Oh, do you know? That's right. That's exactly... What level would that be pitched at, that question on Millionaire? That question to Frank Skinner, who sat in that chair, I'd say three times. What is the name of the Rolls-Royce hood ornament?

What cash level are we talking? Oh, I'd want... Pretty high. I'd want 125 grand for knowing that. Wow. That's ambitious. I mean, that's what you get for this show, for knowing that wow that's ambitious that's what you get for this show for knowing that isn't it before tax

I've got to be honest I'd pitch that a little lower it's a wonderful pitch would you have known it I'd have needed to know it too I'm going to ask again because I just love saying hood ornament would you have known the name of because I just love saying hood ornament. Would you have known the name of the Rolls-Royce hood ornament?

It's one of those things I think it would have come to me eventually, but it would have taken a day. I'm afraid that's no good on Millionaire. Yeah, I wouldn't have known. No. You get surprisingly long on Millionaire when you do it live. They let you think for ages and ages. Really? Yeah.

Is it three times you've done it um yeah wow unfortunately i did it the wrong way around i i started at the top of the ramp 250k i told you the last time i went on they said to me uh sorry about the delay but we put we booked your cab for later to this That's how badly I did. And it was the fact that they had faith in me and then I'd let them down. It's a lot of luck involved, you know what I'm saying? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've just had a text from my partner

and before I left the house this morning I fed the dog and it turns out I thought that Kath had put the breakfast in a box so that I could just drop it into the bowl but what I did is i gave the dog the whole day's feed in one go that's good don't you seem very affectionate the dog she must have thought wow i love this guy the size of this breakfast and also she ate the breakfast like wolf we had to get a special bowl to stop her eating too fast, you know. Right. We might have to get one for the dog as well.

No, no. But the dog ate this breakfast this morning and then I was sitting watching, was it BBC Breakfast or something, and I heard the dog sort of go, really massive, horrible, gut-wrenching belch. Oh, man. I've actually bought a creature into the house to do this. And I realised that I would probably belch if I just got up and thought, you know what, I'm a bit rushed for time today.

I think I'll have all three meals in one go. He fed her world's strongest dog portions. Yeah. Like Tom Cruise ordering the same again. Yeah, but she's going to be a bit peckish come about five o'clock, I would have thought. Oh, yeah. I don't know what we should do now.

Do we give her more? You're the dog expert. Oh, you've got... No, we've got it. We've got a sack. Yeah, but you don't want to get her used to it. No, I don't want, you know. Treat them mean, keep them lean.

I don't want a fat dog. You know what they do? Oh, yeah. No, I don't. They, they. Oh, dear. What happens? They start to smell quite a bit, I think.

Oh, do they? I mean, you know, you know, I don't mean as a general. I think they emit gaseous poison. Oh. Yeah. Oh, okay. That's all I've been told. Interesting.

Can I take us back a bit to... The 70s. No, but that is very much my era. My friend Stan was a dirty old man. Sorry, I thought we were going to do a 70s... I thought we were doing an Italy. No, and I'll thank you not to bring Stan up again. Did Noddy Alder ever refer to places he used to go

as his old stomping ground? Anyway, there we are. I'd like to take us back to a section we sometimes call previously on the show oh not as far as the 70s at all no as far as the 26th of august if you want precision from me fair enough i will start with dean in leeds okay who has sent us a missive entitled frank mentioned during a wedding service. Like the sound of it so far? Yeah, I do.

Mentioned during a wedding service. I don't know if this is during the objections area, but we'll see. Yeah, let's hope not. Dear Frank and the others, last week I was at a... Oh, I don't know about the others, Al, but we'll live with it. I'm fine with it.

Okay. The others. I think it's good for us as an ego check. Boy, is that an ego check. last week I was at a friend's wedding service at a church in West Yorkshire during an informal part of the ceremony the priest briefly touched on marital disagreements where she referred to our very own Frank Skinner's greatest hits joke about arguments between partners. I was previously unaware of this joke, but I'd like to thank the priest

for bringing it to my attention. And of course any praise from me towards it has been redacted. That's kind regards Dean in Leeds. I love that the priest is using my material. Crediting you, perhaps? Perhaps not. Oh did he? I must have done, I suppose.

Yes, I believe so. Oh, well, fair enough. That's okay, then. Yes. And we've also had Michael in Preston. Yeah. First of September, he contacted us regarding the 1953 film Shane. In 1978, Harlech TV dubbed three films into Welsh, one of which was Shane.

Might this be a way of getting Frank's sitcom out of the ITV vaults to have it dubbed into Welsh and shown on certain transmitters only? No, I cannot take responsibility for the movie Shane with Alan Ladd, which was one of those classic Hollywood things where Alan Ladd, who was very handsome and rugged, but about five foot three. He either stood on a box or sometimes they would dig a whole trench if it was a walking scene for the other person to walk in.

Oh, it's a shame. Isn't it great that people went to that mat and trouble? I'd tell that as a massive compliment if I was a lad, which I used to be, of course. Because people are saying, we want you so much we'll dig a trench I mean

tremendous work Alan we were just off air there just talking about Madame Tussauds what I like about Madame Tussauds is that it's one of the things, you know, a lot of things that we used to say

in a very anglicised way, and we've now started using the foreign pronunciation. I don't think in French you'd say Tussauds, would you? Would you say Tussauds or something? Yes, possibly. Yeah. But I just remember there used to be a waxworks called Louis Tussauds or Tussauds.

Oh. Now, what was that about? Anyone out there, 8, 12, 15, I'd love to... Was he like a sort of Danny Minogue figure who Madame, his sister or whatever, started to do well. And Louis thought, I bet I could do that.

I'm hoping it was a really sob star, a real poor man's. Was it perhaps someone like Jim Corr? Well, Jim Corr, to be fair, he was part of the band, wasn't he? Mm. He was... I imagine he had to fight off a lot of suitors,

Jim Corr. Oh, yeah. We were still on previously, weren't we? And I believe you had one, Al, you'd like to share with the group. Yes. previously, weren't we? And I believe you had one, Al, you'd like to share with the group? Yes, I'm a big fan of this question that we've received. What happened to balsamic vinegar? I was at dinner this week and a puddle of balsamic appeared in the olive oil during the bread course. How fabulously 2007. I didn't realise balsamic vinegar was

still a thing, what with hummus and tapenade on the scene. And they continue, and I like this a lot. Also, the word balsamic sounds like an adjective used to describe someone a bit feisty. I think he's a bit balsamic

when he's had a drink. When I got ill as a child, I used to be given Friar's Balsam, which was a medicine in a bottle that honestly looked like it was owned by the Venerable Bede and had a picture of a sort of ancient monastic figure on it. I don't know what it was or if it worked but it's stuck in my memory as it did in my crawl

Jez in Brighton who sent us the balsamic vinegar email says Emily as the correspondent of Fine Food and Beverages, I think we should leave this one to you. I actually disagree. I'd like to put a question to you both. I don't want to

play up to the cliche of my stereotype as a stingy Yorkshireman on this show. No, please do. I recently bought some bargain box set balsamic vinegar in three different little bottles., packaged nice, really nice. And it has different strengths, like 1, 2 and 3. Does it really? Like Brut and Brut 33.

And a little blurb written on the back that has recommendations, like this is good with meat, this one's good with cheese. Serving suggestions? Yeah. With cheese? One of them says this one's good on ice cream. Oh, no, that's been written there by mischievous schoolboys. Is it in biro?

I don't think so. No, it's on the red packaging, the box, like it's printed. Do you know, Heston Blumenthal has got into that box and he's reaped merry havoc. I dipped carrot into a chocolate fountain yesterday. Was that the follow up single

to I kissed my girl and I liked it? Yeah, I came away from it liking both carrot and chocolate still but not in combination as I believe they say. My daughter the other day ate a bowl of Cocoa Pops, which she consumes without milk, with a side order of sugar snap peas.

Just because it's got the word sugar in it. Such a weird combo, but she really enjoyed it. There's something, by the way, can I just go back to something we were talking about earlier when I was talking about whether the Michael Gove was a lookalike thing? It occurs to me, the lookalike business, is that still thriving? I'm not sure. Because there's a lot more celebrities now than there used to be

because of reality telly and stuff. And I wonder if those celebrities have replaced like the pretend celebrities for bookings you know are you gonna pay 50 quid for a um fake elton john if you can get samanda well i think you're right in that the days of the celebrity look like being a celebrity in their own right the the jeanette char, shall we call them, who is famously the Queen, I think they've passed. I don't think we'll see her like again, JC.

Wasn't there a period where Wayne Rooney's brother was a Wayne Rooney lookalike? No, was there really? I hope that's true. I don't, I hope it's not actually. But surely you could just appear as Wayne Rooney's brother, you don't I hope I hope it's not actually but yeah but surely you could just appear as

Wayne Rooney's brother you don't even need to I suppose that would be a nice development later I imagine he did like a one man show and then at the end

of it say an eye reader was his brother do you yeah on the subject of the lookalikes Ros Bridges

has got in touch regarding Louis Tussauds, the brother. Oh, great news. There was a Louis Tussauds in Blackpool a good 15 years ago. I believe he was a relative of Madam T. It stands a chance. The waxworks in the place were so bad, we'd just go

for a laugh. For years, they had a wax Judith Chalmers in the window to tempt customers in. I think I might have gone to that. That's maybe where I discovered the Louis. Yeah, he was. He was very, very substandard. There was a Muhammad Ali that now could easily pass for Mo Farah.

It was just absolute rubbish. could easily pass for Mo Farah. It was just absolute rubbish. And the Elvis had got a bit of the Ben Shepard about him. So, I mean, it must have been one of those, you know, embarrassing, like Billy Carter, Jimmy Carter's brother, who brought out his Billy's beer. I bet Madame used to say, Oh, Louis, he's blackening the Tucsonam.

I bet she said that. I like her saying Nam. I think they say Nam. Yeah. Oh, she was in Nam. Don't worry about that. So we've come to the end what was, for me,

a fundamentally disappointing show because I never got any Friars Balsam correspondence. Well, we have got some but I'll read it to you off air. Oh, no. You're joking.

Is it negative? No. Did we hear anything about Friars Balsam? I'm asking for the third time. We have heard something but... I'll read it to you later.

No. I think it's possibly not suitable for work. Okay. Fair enough. Thank you so much for listening to us. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. And also, I'm on live in Peterborough tomorrow, if you want to come to that. And get out! This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.