The Frank Skinner Show - Mike Drop

Episode Date: August 13, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Zoe Lyons. This week Frank has an idea for an app, Zoe has been a Hunter Gatherer and Emily brings us Drake tattoo news.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Zoe Lyons is with us today. You can text the show on 01215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Stop giggling you two. I have to stop this car. at Frank on the radio. Stop giggling, you two. I have to stop this car. I'm still reeling from Frank opening the show with just a little tip there for anyone trying to be cool.

The people on the Decade channels don't wonder what you're talking about. Sorry. Oh. So you can email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I was listening to Radio 3 on the way in this morning, the home of highbrow sophistication. It's all classical music.

And the woman presenter said, and now next is this French title, and she said, it's a bit of a mouthful. And I thought, can you still say that about other languages? Was she trying to be cool by playing one of his lesser known tracks? Maybe. I mean, I don't know whose track it was. Yes, you're right though.

If you were working in some sort of, you know, like a citizens advice bureau, and said, what's your name please? Oh, that's a bit of a mouthful. Exactly, you'd be in hot water' advice bureau. So, what's your name, please? Oh, that's a bit of a mouthful. Exactly, you'd be in hot water. When you're listening to classical music, do you feel... I don't listen to classical music

very much for some reason, just slightly. I have three on in the car and it's just easy. And it does make me feel, though, like I'm a murderer in an ITV drama. Because they

do like to play it. Yeah, that's true. Morse of course liked it, didn't he? Oh, did he? Yeah, I think Morse was a lot of classical music. I don't know, I've done my classical music experience has always been this is actually brilliant.

This is brilliant I'm going to listen to classical music for the I'm bored yeah that's me I'm so I've been so close

I really thought I'm in love now went to the opera once and I like the opera the opera I don't class as classical music because the singing

it just bang on for a long time I know it does I think it took three hours to die can I recommend something to you both? I think you're

approaching it wrong. What you need to do, don't just say classical music in the way that you do pop music. I realise I'm sounding very middle class here.

No, it's all right. But do, perhaps, find an artiste that you enjoy and just stick to the one. So, for example, I only listen to Chopin. Again, I'm sounding very middle class, I know. But just find one you like.

And the bangers, just play the bangers, the less... Just stick to Chopin's bangers. Alan Jones has a feature on his classic FM show where he's this week's banger. And then it's something by, you know, Schopenhauer or something like that. Absolute tune. Everyone has their jump around moment. Well, I agree with you.

You know, nothing is good all the time. But opera, I like. I go into the opera, in case you've never been. If you can imagine a musical with PMT that's what opera is like describe my life I went to the English National Opera

oh yes and I didn't realise this says a lot about how much attention it would be in English there was in English there would be in English and for the first five minutes

of the show I thought I'd had one of those brain conditions where you could suddenly understand another language. Oh, wow. I was like, I don't want to freak you out, people, but I can speak Italian now. But you see, I found, it's like the TARDIS translation unit in Doctor Who,

so wherever you go, you can understand what they're saying. Very handy. It's interesting. Sorry, Frank. I was just... When I first went to the English National Opera, I thought, great, this is in English. At last, I won't have to look at the subtitles.

And a minute in, I thought, I can't... There is English. I speak English, but if I came in here and went... You'd think, well, there's some words in there I can't quite. So they still have subtitles on. I would think, oh, you've come round to my parents' house. That was them doing their vocal warm-ups first thing in the morning. I'm imagining both your parents smoked, is that correct?

Of course they did. Oh, silly questions, Frank. 70s actors who didn't smoke. Can you imagine? What an outcast. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. By the way, is there an app available that's like a scales app? For?

Weighing. Oh, weighing. Yeah. available that's like a scales app for weighing oh weighing yeah yeah so you take a photo of yourself and it gives you scales just to see what what you'd look like if you were if you're a fish you're a mackerel yeah yeah no do you think there should be um well there is is an app for scales. A weighing app. It's called Scales. It's a scales, Frank. It's just scales. You can't weigh yourself on the phone. What do you mean? No, but you just buy some scales.

No, but I'm on about there must be an app where you can put something on your phone and it'll tell you how heavy it is. How heavy your phone is? No, however the thing is. God, how complicated is this it is quite complicated well there's a measure your height uh app which to me seems harder anyway what i'm getting at is i realize you know how we're told you know how people just

accept stuff and that's how society goes wrong and it becomes an oppressive society because you just accept. I've never heard anyone question the quarter pounder in McDonald's. I bet you no one has ever weighed one to check it out. A quarter pound. But wouldn't it be great if there was a scales app to get a quarter pounder and say, I'm sorry, this is only three and a half ounces. And do you know what? I know a man who would do that.

Yeah, exactly. Morning pounder. But you might get lucky. You might find you're up around the five ounce mark. They must vary. You see, I've got... Well, then don't call it the quarter pounder if they vary. The vary pounder.

You don't get to vary if you're calling it the quarter pounder if they vary? The vary pounder. You don't get to vary if you're calling it the quarter pounder. I don't, I never order the quarter pounder. I never have and I never will.

But you know why? I never have. I have the quarter pounder with cheese. Maybe that affects the weight. I have two quarter pounders. I have a half pounder.

How do you know? You don't even know if there is a scale. You can't handle the quarter pounder. I have a half pounder. How do you know? You don't even know if there is a scale. You can't handle the quarter pounder. I have a cheeseburger. I find the quarter pounder, I'm going to say it, it's a bit greedy. I'm sure, guys.

I never order just one burger. Really? I always have two. You're joking. No, I always have two. Do you eat them like Scooby-Doo? Scooby-Doo stuff. Stack them.

Oh, you don't stack them? No, no, no. One in each hand. Can I say something? Hold on. I just want to stop and see if this is a joke. Are you serious? You have two burgers?

I have two burgers. One's never enough. One's never enough. But you're not rotund. No. It's a nicer thing. You better not say said to anybody. I know. I mean, one of them...

You can use that on your public, if you like. Not rotund. You can use that on your public. Not rotund, Frank's good. Less round than I thought you'd be. For a half pounder. I'm not a complete animal, Frank. I'll have a little burger and a big burger.

So one's like an hors d'oeuvre and then the main course. I can see, yeah. It's like that step you get up to a jacuzzi. Yeah. No, I have filet-o-fish for my hors d'oeuvre. Filet-o-fish. That was the first time I used the pronunciation filet was when the filet-o-fish came out.

Filet-o-fish. I used to love a filet-O-Fish. You know what this reminds me of? I've been watching the Arsenal All or Nothing documentary. Nothing, as it turned out, I know. However, this conversation is very much the kind of conversation they tend to have in the dressing room. I bet none of them have ever questioned the quarter pounder.

Take that back i had a cheese toasty for breakfast this week and i wonder you know when you slightly uh are operating on the outer limits of breakfast you know things that are acceptable breakfast things and i thought oh cheese toasty toast obviously fine but cheese toasty is that acceptable is that a breakfast thing yeah i've had steak for breakfast before yeah but we've already established all the rules are out the window with yuzo and meat yeah i once kept it over we went to a very lovely restaurant in america and i ordered the steak that turned up and it was basically the sort of size of a cow and I couldn't eat it all so I took it home in one of those doggy bags and I slept with it on the pillow beside me

and when I woke up in the morning it was still there so I just ate it in bed. Don Corleone! Wow. Yeah. Exactly. I can honestly say I've never taken anything home in a doggy bag or doggy container

and let it do anything other than rot. Yeah. And think, I will eat it. Four days is still fine. And then you look at it and you think, no, I'm not going to. I've never ate doggy bags. Well, I slept with it and then ate it. So, yeah.

Well, didn't almond my first time. Oh, no. Anyone who gets that joke joke I can only apologise I saw a man in the street yeah not a big story so far I admit that

skipping aww wait for it okay sans rope so I'm talking Skipping. Aw. Wait for it. Okay. Sans rope. Oh. So I'm talking, in my mind there are two forms of skipping. There are skipping as in Muhammad Ali trains for the George Foreman fight skipping.

Oh, lovely. And the skipping as in here comes Dorothy. You know that? They're both. Yeah. I have heard the latter style of skipping called capering. Okay. I like that.

Yeah. But I saw a man in the street in sports gear skipping as if it was part of his regime. And I wasn't, You know, things creep... Like, I went to a hula-hooping class. Things that used to be just fun become proper keep-fit things, if keep-fit is still a phrase. We know Frank so well, we just accepted that.

We didn't even challenge... I went to a hula-hooping class anyway. Well, this is something I've only ever seen really elated children do in the street. And it was a man, you know, probably late 30s, vest top. I was just going to ask, can we just get an idea of the... Black, all black, the running gear. Right. Slimming, trainers.

Slimming. The capering, yeah, it's capering gear yeah trainers hair capering trainers yeah hair uh long he's he's listening to this he's thinking this is me my capering regime hair um longish curly dark oh but no rope no No rope. Just skipping? He capered. Longish, curly dark. Are we talking skipping up and down, skipping not forward propelled?

No, no, I'm talking about, you know when you see a child skipping onto one foot, onto the other foot, going forward? Oh, he was moving forward. Yeah, he was doing that. Is it a bit warming up on the touch? Is it a bit warming up, football warming up? Well, he didn't do one side.

He didn't do sideways, sideways, sideways, and then sideways, sideways. The sideways scissor. It's like Dorothy. When Dorothy comes down the elaborate road, she skips. And he was doing that. Obviously, maybe it was thinking, you know, I've had me run, I'll caper for 10,

just as a cool-down exercise. I just, if anyone, I've had me run, I'll caper for ten, just as a cool-down exercise. I just, if anyone, 8, 12, 15, if anyone's listening who is a keep-fit type, I'd really like to know if capering is something that's kicked in. Well, I was skipping last week. With a rope? With a rope. Really badly. Really, really badly.

I had flashbacks of being at primary school and why I was never involved in any activities. What you never see at the gymnasium is team skipping. You never see one person skipping and two groups of keep fit people with a real long rope. Like the girls used to do at school.

You're absolutely right though. At what age does that stop free skipping? Because without a rope, I'd say beyond, what would you say, maybe age? No. Really? No. Sometimes I skip.

Do you? Yeah. Well, A, you get there quicker. And B, sometimes... Hold it. Hold. You mean you skip forward with a rope? No, no, no.

Just a gentle skip. Because it's fun. I'm worried about that. Are you talking capering now? I'm capering. You caper in the street. Sometimes I will caper. You don't.

I do caper. And I've got quite a long hall at home and I caper down that. I caper down the hall. Yeah, that's indoors, presumably. No, we're talking about outdoor capering. I will definitely outdoor caper and I've got quite a long hall at home and I caper down that. I caper down the hall. Yeah, that's indoors, presumably. No, we're talking about outdoor capering. Oh, well, definitely outdoor caper. Wow.

Yeah, it's fun. I saw, someone gets in, I saw a woman in a bandana. Capering. Yeah, quarter pounder in one hand. Cheeseburger in the other. Yeah, cheeseburger in the other, capering. Yeah. What do you make of that

yeah you didn't i did it's like the ski sticks why don't you know you see people walking with the ski sticks is that is that to make it an upper body thing they've they've come from austria and the climate's improved on the way down. Oh, that must be. That kicked down that global warming. They've made fools of those people. They've kicked off the skis. Do you know what I mean? Often you see old people out walking when they've got to. Yeah, yeah.

Is that just like an anti-falling over? It's supposed to be steadying. I once did the West Island Way in Scotland with a friend, and she walked with poles, right, to assist the walk. And all that happened was she gave herself blisters on the palms of her hands. Did you have any midge um midge problems yeah uh no because i had a burger in each hand that distracted them that's very good idea i use the uh scented candle that um come to think of it C'est toi. Pardon? C'est toi. Sometimes, c'est toi. I like a sandalwood.

Or a fillet of fish. That'd be a great candle. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, can I just ask you, did you see any of the, I'm calling it the unfortunate raid. What, the Donald Trump raid? Oh, yeah. One of the great joys for me of the Donald Trump raid is that they took several, I think they said files and or envelopes,

that had Top Secret stamped on them. Scooby-Doo. And I just think Top Secret doesn't feel like a thing from the real world. You know what I mean? It feels like something from Danger Mouse. It's what you put on your teenage diary. Yeah. It feels like it would be written in American typewriter font as well.

Oh, I'm hoping it's a red stamp. Yeah. I'm really hoping that. Is there a sort of a mid-range secret stamp for things that you can leave on trains? secret stamp for things that you can leave on trains because people out people who leave files on trains only ever leave ones with top secret on them as far as i can tell would a government file have top secret on it i mean is it is it still a standard term no 8 12 15 and you can do no caller id if you're working at gchQ or something. And you're absolutely right, Zoe. Is For Your Eyes Only, post-Bond film,

did the government decide, because that was a sort of MI5, MI6 thing, wasn't it? Did they decide, oh, we better not use it, everyone knows it now? Did Bond ruin the concept of For Your Eyes Only? It's never occurred to me that For Your Eyes Only was an intelligence term. Yes, it is.

Oh. Because we're Bond, I just thought it was going to be somewhat lewd. Well, they made it sound that with the song. The song was a bit sexy. Yeah. And actually, that's something that was stamped on official documents. Michael Gove gets documents that say for four eyes only.

Sort of old Etonian said it is for four eyes only. Oh man. Gone now of course. It's changed. Gove but not forgotten. Never forgotten. Listen I, one of the things that used to be whenever

friends or family came down to london one of the things they were keen to do obviously we live in a place uh in if you live in london you know there's a lot of amazing architecture and historical sites. What they all wanted to do was the Rainforest Cafe, which is that rare combination of an environmental fast food place and with a very nice shop where you could buy like a cuddly sloth or something like that or something that represented the animal world and how great they are I went there recently Is it still open?

I thought they'd cut it down It's been levelled Well I went to I'll tell you what happened I took my family to the Hard Rock Cafe. Yeah. And there was no room at the inn. Oh, yeah.

And I bet there was three tables occupied in there. And, I mean, how long does it take to eat? I said we'll be in and out in 40 minutes. Yeah. But no. So we had to walk away from an empty restaurant. We had a look at a bit of rock memorabilia

on the way out but no food and I said I know what we'll go to the old the old standby the Rainforest Cafe famous for

it has storms mid meal actual storms occur I love it what did you do all that stuff the lights flash out and off and the gorillas on the wall occur. Oh, I love it when they're there. What did you do? All that stuff, the lights flash out and off and the gorillas on the wall look from left to right

as if a storm in a rainforest means that your road safety has to go really up a notch. I suppose flooding. So anyway, we headed for the ever popular

tourist attraction. I mean, you say ever popular, it's quite a 90s decision to go there. So why don't you have some Alco Pops, listen to Spice Girls on the way. Well, I'll tell you what happened after this.

Absolute Radio. We left you at the Rainforest Cafe. Well, did you? Did you, Emily? Oh. Because we headed for the rain. I said, look, we might not get in. It's Saturday.

We might not get in. No, it's a very, very... Honestly, the amount of time people have come down to London... You need to know people in the know, Emily, to get into the rainforest. I'm serious. I'll call Eduardo, see if he can get me a table in the rainforest cafe. People come to London, that's where they want to go. They don't want to go to Buckingham Palace,

and they want to go to the rainforest. Anyway, I got there, and the first, imagine my surprise, as they say in stories, it's not called the Rainforest Cafe anymore. What's it called? It's called Jungle Cave. That's what it's called. And I thought, okay, Does that mean less environmental?

When was this rebranding decision made? I don't know. I don't know what happened, but I went in. I went through the shop. There's still a shop. Is it the same set-up? It's not just bat-stuffed bats now to take in the cave. But you greeted by Alfred.

So we went in. Staff were very lovely. We went in and it was quite easy to get a table. That's worrying. Tear never a good sign. And I noticed that the gorillas, we sat under a gorilla

and he just looked a bit chipped. What, as in microchipped? No, chipped as in he needed a... Bit of mange. Yeah. I don't want a tatty gorilla. He looked like...

I'll tell you what he looked like. He looked like he hadn't got that part in Jumanji and he'd never quite... He'd turned to drink. Yeah. He'd never quite got over it and I said the staff was lovely and the food was lovely but there's a real sense that the ship was steadily sinking oh yeah and I'd love I'd love if anyone out there knows what happened to rainforest cafe

used to be a I'll tell you what happened to Rainforest Cafe. Jungle cave. I know. What is a jungle cave? Well, the phantom... 8, 12, 15. The phantom. The phantom. It's actually on my T-shirt today, coincidentally. This character was a comic book I used to love. And he lived in the skull cave,

which was a cave, the front of which looked like a human skull clever idea the phantom because the the locals thought he was uh he lived forever and what happened it was an hereditary post so your your son one day was given the phantom outfit so you know he'd been around for you very clever but he But he lived in a jungle cave. Did you have to wait for a table or did you get one straight away? No, no, we got a table. But here was a nice thing, we were a birthday party at the time and one of the staff heard that mention, we didn't announce it, and they came over with a little cake and candle

and they did a song which wasn't Happy Birthday. Which was a birthday thing. It had the word birthday in it. Yeah. But it was like, began, it's your birthday, it's your birthday. And I thought that. It's a copyright issue. Jungle Cave haven't got the money.

Oh, man. No, I think they're worried about paying the money. Honestly, they can't afford it. I thought it was better than Happy Birthday. They can't afford the rights for singing it. I thought if this song had come first, that this would be what sang. Oh, it's the Betamax or the VHS birthday songs.

How did it... I know, I'm not going to put you on the spot, but a vague approximation, Frank, of the Happy Birthday song, so I can think about it. I really, it was sort of, it's your birthday, it's your birthday, happy, happy, it's your birthday, it's your birthday, happy birthday day. It was like that. Can I tell you, I used to work in the TGI Fridays around the corner from what was the Jungle Calf years ago. Badges on the braces. Oh, badges on the braces.

What's that called now? Good Friday? Don't sell meat to vegan places. We used to have to sing Happy Birthday to children. And can I say, as much as this song might have been skipping along in a joyful way, every single person that was singing it was dying on the inside. Oh, no. But you sang the traditional Happy Birthday. We sang the traditional traditional what badges did you wear i had a lot of bad silverware you have to have a lot of bad you've got to have a lot of badges and it helps if you're a southampton fc fan as well

okay silverware what was that well just like i had a lot of i won a lot i was a bartender okay i used to do the throwing of the bottle oh did youender so I used to do the throwing of the bottles oh did you do that I was good at the throwing of the bottles where I fell down was the catching of the bottles

a lot of bottles went over the top but didn't come back yeah I I don't think I've ever been there and not had surf

and turf I don't think I've ever been there oh I did go there once i like the questions at this time i like it and i like i like the staff as as a performance aspect i think that was nice i'd love to have been served by you so that would have been great maybe we can stage it for old time's sake yeah Old time's sake. Yeah. Have you got a gorilla suit, Ev?

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Zoe Lyons. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram

at frankontheradio or email the show via frankontheradio or email the show via frankatabsoluteradio.uk I love you. I love you. frankatabsoluteradio.co.uk I'm slurring. We've been hearing from our wonderful listeners, Frank.

Readers, I should say. I do apologise. It's OK. 527. Hi, Frank, Emily and Zoe. We were talking briefly, do you remember, about classical music? We were talking

about the love between us. George! And I was trying to encourage the two of you to approach the classics in much the same way as you would your pop. Just pick someone you like.

Derek from Rugby has got in touch to say, I once upset my girlfriend's dad. That's it. No, it's not. He said, what classical music do you like? I said, Depeche Mode and The Smiths. I don't think he quite knew that. He thought sort of classic hits or something.

Oh, I see. I think he thought it meant. We've also had... Not a bad choice, is there, to be fair? TBF. Is that your nephew's favourite? My nephew's favourite. The Smiths was the last band who I had pictures on the wall, on my bedroom wall, of.

Who was the last... Oh, did you? Who was the last one you had? I can't mention who I had pictures on my bedroom wall of? Who was the last one you had? I can't mention who I had pictures on my bedroom wall of, sadly. Have they been at Consell? I'll say. Oh, OK. You can only guess.

Yeah, I think so. I was in the fan club of someone who was later Consell. Oh, dear. Consell? Yeah. I had Grace Jones On my walls Oh yes I love Grace Jones

Oh typical You got it right Yeah I got it right She hula hoops She hula hoops Very well Yes I saw her do

I can't remember Which song it was But a whole song Slave to the rhythm Was it of course Slave to the rhythm Whilst hula hooping Yes that's a Catholic

Old Catholic song Yeah We there Slave to the rhythm, open brackets, method. We've also heard from James in London. The UK now has three levels of classification of information. They are official, secret and top secret. And James then says, P.S. don't read my number out.

So official, that's shabby. That's bland, isn't it? That's like a sort of council tax bill. That's official. That's can you make this meeting? I mean, if I got official, I'd be so insulted. Yeah, but also people say stuff. You know what?

I love you, Karen, and that's official. I thought there was a sensitive classification sensitive information oh that's for the ladies don't talk about it if barbara she'll have a right meltdown she'll be crying do you think there is like when they have their cabaret at GCHQ, there's a pub landlord figure who says, instead of, like, fruit-based drinks for the ladies, there's a sensitive file for the ladies.

Gets a big laugh from the guys. The big pink folder. Yeah. Going back to skipping earlier, we started off the show in a sort of skipping way uh got a text in here from alison says hi frank i think the skipping was part of a pre-run warm-up known as power skips oh there's a routine you can do which also includes butt kicks and clawing i don't like the sound of clawing clawing clawing butt kicks and that's obviously when you kick your heel you heal your

own butt yeah yeah how does the claw i don't like anything to do with claws clawing i don't know i'm gonna have to google that yeah get your lobster claws away from i don't like i hate claws oh i quite like a claw do you yeah maybe it's part of that. I'm just thinking, wasn't Charlie Claw, wasn't he a famous, is that right? Was he a Victorian villain? Well, I'm familiar with the Claw Gallery, of course. But other than that, I can't help it. If you're still there. Sorry.

Who was that person? Alison. Alison, if you're still there. Sorry Who was that person? Alison Alison, if you're still there Alison, I know this world is killing you But tell us what chlorine is

Because I'd love to know Do you think that's walking along literally chlorine in the air? Yeah Or just sort of running up and down curtains I don't know No one's going to be doing that for a pre Or is it like, look out out here comes a spade man I hate those

session singers Frank oh but yeah oh I hate them yes he does yes he did who was the name who was the name of the band leader

on Strictly what was his name Dave Arch Dave Arch of course that's probably what the jungle cave will be called

next time I go there. So we have what I believe they're calling the rap community Z-Lions on with us today. Z-Dog. You two, if you were double that, you could be a little literary reference here. Franny and Zoe. Franny and Zoe. Yes, I do remember that.

J.D. Salinger. Oh, no. It was as difficult second album as it was. Yeah. I must admit, I'm one of those people that can only name one J.D. book. No, you've got two. Franny and Zoe, I like you two together.

Yeah, good. We work well. We work well well I've had a busy I've been them my week been taken up with staying hydrated okay just so much hydration going on it's I remember in the 70s and 80s and we had heat waves I don't think I drank any water from May to I think I think in the 80s, hydration was one of my main priorities. But a roundabout sort of a wine. I certainly kept my mattress very hydrated. Well, no one ever said, my mother did say to me once,

whilst puffing on a cigarette, I loathe water. I like that because you're waiting for the sort of something about fish, some comedy remark but it's just straight, I just don't like it I loathe it 80% water that's the theory

I'm sure that used to be we were four fifths four fifths water or a quarter pound of water and four fifths Four-fifths water. Four-fifths water? A quarter pound of water? And four-fifths is 80%. Yes, I've just figured that out. But people always used to say four-fifths. They never said 80%.

Why would that have changed? 80% is easier. Four-fifths, I don't know. No, four-fifths is, I mean, for a start, if you've got any sort of veneer teeth happening, four-fifths would be an absolute nightmare. Do you think they led the 80% revolution? I blame Love Island for too many veneered teeth,

and now we can't say four-fifths. That's what it is. Without getting a whistle we can't say four-fifths. But it is. Without getting a whistle at the end. Four-fifths. Do you know the veneery whistlers? I can't bear them. The veneery whistlers. What a band they were.

They're touring again. Here they come. So how have you hydrated just by drinking stuff? Lots of water. Lots and lots. With squash. Oh, OK. Yeah, because I'm still sort of a 14-year-old trapped in a 50-year-old's body.

Like a bit of squash. But I did notice the other day, in every supermarket that I went into in Brighton, all the bottled water had gone because of the hosepipe ban. I think that's what people have done. They're watering their garden with it. No, I think they've heard hosepipe ban and gone into free-fall panic, which sort of set me off a little bit.

I went back into sort of Panny D mode because I went... I enjoyed parts of the pandemic because it really appealed to me because I discovered that I am a hunter-gatherer. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Now, what do you mean?

I'm a hunter-gatherer as opposed to a farmer. I like to hunt. So when they said there was no toilet roll, you know, two years ago, when we had the old loo roll thing, I made it my life's work to find bog roll. And I've discovered I'm very good at it. I'm very good. I'm a hunter-gatherer,

which is very different to being a farmer. So what does... Can I just... For us farmers, because I suspect... I feel like we might be the farmers, Frank. I don't know. Let me deal with this.

What is a farmer? A farmer has a steady supply, Frank. Right. So they... What does that... They shop and stuff whereas i'm sort of more caveman and like to go out and get my um saber-toothed tiger it makes sense but they're all shopping what you mean so the farmer plans ahead is this right i think what i've discovered is right okay if there's a shortage of something that's when i come alive my friends i come alive i i was the only person i think in this country enjoyed the petrol crisis because i made it my life's ambition i turned into rambo i basically

turned into rambo i put a vest on most of these are by adrenaline maybe i wasated by adrenaline, maybe. Motivated by adrenaline and the need for diesel, which features highly in my life. Yeah. So, yeah. And I made it my life's work. Oh, yeah. So that's what I've been doing. Diesel's still legal, diesel.

Yeah, diesel. Things like diesel that destroyed the rainforest cafe. That's exactly, it all links up. It's because of diesel. That's how we've ended up with the jungle cave. The jungle cave, it's my fault. It's great the deforestation

closed the fast food restaurant. I'm on it, that hunter gatherer with diesel closed the rainforest cafe. At least we've worked it out. Oh man. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. You're right. You're still here, guys. I'm going to be totally frank. I fell off my chair. And I fell off my chair. Oh. I fell off my chair.

I wish I could say this from laughing so much. Anyway, I'll put my shorts back on now. Oh, no. Well, the producer, Sarah, has just had a text from Graham, the mechanic, who's in Glasgow and works for Planet Radio I mean is that I mean local is local radio

then there's really not very local at all Planet Radio gives you sort of you get like traffic news from Karachi and stuff on it I was going for George Jetson but anyway Graham thanks for getting in touch because he points out that the quarter pounder

weighs a quarter of a pound raw. But when it's cooked with the addition of oil, etc., it can vary considerably in weight. Up up or either way you think it would get bigger with oil rather than less but then fat burning off it would get less i mean is it like a boxer like pre-fight is it quite down on its weight and then it just bulks up for two days maybe that's it or like yeah or the jockey the jockey

the jockey they don't drink water do they have the saunas they love a sauna Frank oh it's a hard life the on the flat

where you've got to keep super thin the jockey well it's not really they do it for a bit and then they just open an estate restaurant or something

they always open a restaurant they open a steak restaurant or something. They always open a restaurant. They open a lettuce restaurant after years of that. No, that's interesting, though. I'm glad to know that. And also, we had a lovely... Speaking of Sarah, our producer, we had a lovely story from her little life. Oh, my God.

That when Sarah got the... When she got... That was deliberately comic. When she got... And to be fair to Frank, he always takes it in very good sport when I refer to his little jokes. His little jokes.

He did one of your little jokes. I remember once a previous producer, Daisy, started talking about how her washing machine wasn't operating properly and I said, can't you save this conversation for your ordinary friends? Which wasn't me at my most adorable, I admit. But anyway, when Sarah found out that she'd got, not this job, but work experience at Absolute Radio, which might not sound much to you guys listening,

but is a foot on a golden ladder, let me tell you that. That she was in, she was dining in the Rainforest Cafe as was and was embarrassed because the man who phoned her from Absolute Radio, she was praying that a tropical storm would not kick up and he would realise that she was in Rainforest Cafe. You know, like when you say I'm sick at home and the airport announcement comes on the phone. It's like one of that, it's the Rainforest Cafe version of that.

Are you in a tropical storm? Commencement comes on the phone. It's like one of that, it's the Rainforest Cafe version of that. Are you in a tropical storm? Oh, man, what a great... I was in Nando's on Cardiff Bay when I was told I'd got an audition for Doctor Who. Oh. Wow. So that was... What about your fast food

life milestones? 8, 12... I'll see you later, everyone. 15. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Ruth Jordan,

who you may recall is one of our regulars. The morning sun shone down upon the texts of Ruth Jordan. Yeah. Ruth Jordan has got in touch to say thank you to Zoe for reassuring me that I'm not the only adult who drinks squash. I'm 41 years old, and I think squash

makes up about 80% or four-fifths of my fluid intake. Four-fifths? Oh, don't do the veneery people. The veneery whistlers. Yeah. Would you say they'd got the veneery disease?

The veneers. Oh, no. I bulked. That's what I did I bulked when she said that she drank squash squash I drink posh squash but for me it has always hasn't been and always will be cordial no I've got a posh squash I've got a lime and mint posh squash that I quite enjoy I think I don't know where squash came from it's some

it's some you know one syllable easy way out from cordial we used to have orange cordial and you know all that it was that it was squash

as now is but it was always called cordial why change it squash just squash is one of those nice words. Squash, though, has an air of violence about it where Cordial is like the Cordial Anton.

It sounds like peace and love. That's what's happened to the world. We live in a world where it's easier to say hate than love. Good night. Mic drop. Is there anyone called mic Drop on the circuit? Well, do you know what there is now?

There's got to be. And I bet he's currently got a show. Yeah, he will. That's gone, the comedy. Has it? The comedy comedian's name. Mike Drop and his truth bombs. Yeah.

Like, I used to work a lot with a guy called, I think he's still working, called Rory Motion. You know him? Rory Motion? That's him? Rory Motion. It's ringing the bell. Yeah. Is there a pun in there? Rory Motion, but Rory Motion.

Oh, Rory Motion. Oh, I had to think about that one. Yeah, and there was lots of those kind of comedy names. Yeah. Mark My Words, for example. Oh, how my toes would curl if I turned up on a bill and there was something called mark my words very fine comedy poet and stay in the same I was a hair's breadth from telling equity that my name would be from now on would be Wes Bromwich. Oh my word.

Wouldn't that have changed things, do you think? Well, yes, it would. You wouldn't have had my number for a start. You'd be doing the show alone. You'd have had my number, but it would have been an L121. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Chris Frayne has been in touch, talking about Rainforest Cafe. Mm.

Yep. Absolute Radio, 2022. Has he got the gen on it? I once lived with someone who ended up there after taking something on a night out up west. OK. Beautifully handled, Chris. Yeah, it was.

It's obviously something nefarious that you're being discreet about. The animals on the wall were talking to him and the jungle came to life. Yeah. I'm afraid there was an incident and the constabulary were called. Oh, no.

Nor at the RFC. I mean, the jungle does sort of come to life. He might not have even been hallucinating. He's looking at the RFC like it's some noble institution. Well, I mourn its passing, especially as it became the JC. Iona Faz has... Do you?

I love Iona. She's one of our regulars I love Iona she's one of our regulars I think I've done the joke before you have Iona says refast food milestones there's a viral video going around of a proposal in McDonald's it doesn't end well

the producer's laughing she's on the Gen Z millennial cusp PS as Emily is an honorary scouser, I am, and I'm from Liverpool, does she know that we say machis? Machidis? I did know that, actually.

Of course, now that you've told me that Sarah laughed in recognition of that viral, the next time she hasn't done something I ask her to do, I'll say, well, yeah, maybe instead of watching funny McDonald's videos, you could dot, dot, dot. Maybe it didn't go well because the proposie didn't offer two burgers. That would be a no from me.

I think it was the use of an onion ring, which I thought the woman was just disrespectful. Can you imagine, for so many reasons, was just disrespectful. Can you imagine? For so many reasons, if that came my way, Frank. I know, yeah. I mean, please. I want to talk to you two about something this morning. Don't panic,

but, Frank, I believe, Zoe, I'm sure you are. Frank, you're familiar with Drake's work, aren't you? The bangers. Well well i know he exists i've got to be straight with you because i believe the story you're referring to is refers to a tattoo of drake not being that good a likeness i was unable to judge that tattoo because I don't really know what Drake looks like so I had to have a look and compare and contrast

we have come across this problem before because I've meant I brought up Drizzy before that's Drake's nickname is it really? well what is Drake? That's his real name he's Certified Lover Boy was his last album.

I thought you were just... Where does certified fit on the MI5 ratings? Sensitive. Excuse me, can I see the certificate, please? Yes. Mr. Lover Boy.

Do you want to come back to my place? I am, you may be interested to know, a certified lover boy. Certified lover boy. Do you think Paxman would my place? I am, you may be interested to know, a certified lover boy. Certified lover boy. Do you think Paxman would refer to him as Mr. Boy when he was interviewing him? So just, I mean... Mr. CL Boy, because that's what he gets letters addressed to. How can we sum up the music, just briefly, for him?

You're familiar with Drake's work, aren't you? Because it's the kind of music, I'd sum it up this way, see if you agree. Picture a Premier League footballer, Frank, in some Louis Vuitton slides, with those little white headphones, walking into the dressing room, and he's listening to something. It sounds a bit auto-tuney,

it's all that modern music, so it's something a bit like, I love you girl, but you do me wrong. You know what I mean? That classic. Yeah, it's that sort of, you know the sort of music you hear in shops? I love you, girl. It's a bit Roland Gift.

OK, I love you, girl, but you do me wrong. Like that, like that. You've got to sing it with a mouthful of Maltesers. Frank, you've got it in warm. OK. By the way, I find most Premier League footballers don't go for the little bods. They go for the big...

Big cans. Yeah, big cans. That's what they go for. Make no mistake about that. Okay, so I think we've established... Can I get a picture? He's a major star, isn't he? He's incredibly successful.

Champagne Pappy? He's huge. Yeah? Okay't he? Isn't he incredibly successful? Champagne Pappy? He's huge. Yeah? OK. Again, I'm not... I don't think you should make personal remarks about his physique. He's a bit Champagne Pappy. OK, more Drake to come.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Zoe Lyons. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show as an alternative via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Certified lover boy. Hmm.

Drake. Is Drake one of his real names? Yes, I believe his name is something like, is it Aubrey something Drake? So it's one of his names, yeah, his many names. Okay. The father, it's Graham. Aubrey Drake Graham, maybe. Okay.

Because the father is called Dennis Graham. Right. I know a little bit about the family. Well, the father features, of course, in this story. Feats Dennis. We should say, yeah, there's been breaking news actually this morning. There's often breaking news with Drake because he likes to update his ink. He's all about the ink.

And he's just, as we speak, I don't know if as we speak, but very recently, he's had a new tattoo to add to his collection of 35. Can you remember some of the tattoos Drake's already got? Tweety pie? No. Anchor? No, Rihanna eating ice cream. Oh, that classic.

The number six, an owl catching a mouse. Some sort of 19th century Mexican Robin Hood figure. OK? And I'm a horny little devil. He's got a nail wash your hands. Yeah. And he's added to this with the initials of his mother, which is lovely, within the last 48 hours, I believe.

However, the story I would like to discuss this morning concerns Drake Senior, Dennis. Yeah. Did you see this, Frank? I did. I was... Even though I'm not familiar with Drake's oeuvre, I was... I'll tell you what,'s oeuvre, I was...

I'll tell you what, I don't know why I question this, because there's lots of people who have their children tattooed on them, either their names or an image. But I think this is the first one, someone has their adult children tattooed on them. So Old Man Drake, not Old Man Drake the magician, but Old Man Drake has got like a recent depiction of his son tattooed on him,

which I find a bit... I mean, he does know he can take a photo, doesn't he? Yeah, exactly. Has he not got a phone? Yeah, it's quite an extreme length to go to. But the controversy... He went to Money Mike, Frank, as well. He's one of the best Money Mike.

Oh, is he a famous tattooist? Yeah, in Inca. See, I thought they'd die there. Yeah, I was going to say. He went to an ancient Mexican tattooist. So, yeah, I wondered if he knew the old Mexican Robin Hood.

Yeah, that's where it comes, it all makes sense now. It does, it's fallen into place. I don't know where he's had the tattoo on his physicality.

You mind your business. Okay. It's gone, I mean, it's not going to be anywhere. It's his son, for goodness sake. Is it on an arm? You'd be surprised with

some of these. I know where it is. Yeah. Go on. Correct. It's on son, for goodness sake. Is he on an arm? You'd be surprised with some of these. I know where it is. Yeah. Go on. Correct. On his arm. It's on his arm, yeah. I always think

with portrait tattoos. I think he's got Gandhi on one arm and Drake on the other. His argument was what's good for the Drake is good for the Gandhi. Oh.

Oh, wow. He should have that actually tattooed as a caption across his chest. I'm going to get that tattooed across my face. That sucks. And I'll never work again.

Well, can I read you a quote from the popular tabloid, The Daily Mirror? I wrote this down because I was taken aback. The tattoo, it describes it, the tattoo shows a short-haired Drake, which sounds like some sort of waterfowl. The tattoo shows... Stick around, this is not the big part of the sentence.

The tattoo shows a short-haired Drake staring straight into your soul as he pouts his lips. So firstly, the daily mirror acknowledges the existence of the soul. Breaking news. And also, if I met someone with the visionary power

to stare straight into my soul, I'd be surprised if they employed pouting as one of their... It's to offset. The Daily Mirror, I mean, it's all blamed on the sun now, but they had their own version of the sort of page three. I think they've seen so many dolly birds that pouting is just part of their... Well, they can't work out whether it's sort of messianic

or sort of RuPaul's Drag Race. Or just a mess. Pick a lane. Messy or messianic, they cannot decide. But, I mean, really, as if he was staring straight into your soul. It's the mirror, it's the daily mirror. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing Drake's tattoos.

Let us not forget three other classics he has. I might just be casually dropping them in, some of the 35 throughout the show. Sade, I know. Nice. Denzel Washington, specifically in the movie Mo' Better Blues. Okay. And Jack O'L Better Blues and Jack O'Lantern Jack O'Lantern now I'm a great

fan Zoe as if you know of the O when it stands alone as in you know Tam O'Shanta and Jack O'Lantern I'd forgotten about. I'd like to see, I'm going to have a look at his Jack O'Lantern.

Don't say that, Frank. You might not take to that kindly. Where is his Jack O'Lantern? Oh, guys, come on. Is it in his... No, is it the Halloween version of Jack O'Lantern? Oh, is there any other? I think there was an original sort of folk figure of Jack O'Lantern

who wasn't pumpkin-led. Oh, was there really? But I know pumpkin Jack O'Lantern has dominated the market for some time. Just he carved it out. Yes. Thank you. It's weird, isn't it, it though to choose a seasonal tattoo yes yes that's someone who doesn't think about tomorrow how many christmas tattoos there are yeah you

don't see many christmas you don't see many christmas tattoos i wonder if you could have like a sort of advent calendar tattooed on the body that you just sort of reveal over christmas there's a plan there's a plan oh you don't want to be opening squares anything pendulous you could convert into a globe absolutely jack o'lantern so anyway i like it i like the sound i like the randomness of his tattoo collection well the shawday is inspired yeah that is quite an odd one. I think she didn't have a revival a few years back. She did. She had a Craig David moment. Yeah.

And he's quite good friends with her, I believe. Lovely. Hmm. So, Dennis Graham. Yeah. Drake Senior, who I think would actually be a lovely friend for you, Frank. Okay. Ticks a lot of boxes.

Catholic. All right. Lives in Memphis. would actually be a lovely friend for you frank okay it's a lot of boxes uh catholic all right lives in memphis oh yeah yeah used to be a drummer with jerry lee lewis i believe did you really the killer right am i selling him to you you are, man, you are selling. Yeah. Wow, what a guy. And it doesn't take much. It doesn't take much. He's exciting. No, that is great. And he loves Doctor Who. He doesn't.

You've made that bit up. Of course he doesn't. No. Intelligent. Oh, sorry. Yeah, he's also got a tattoo of Patrick Troughton. Imagine if he did. But he has a tattoo of his own adult son.

I've always thought with portrait tattoos, as your skin, shall we say, deteriorates with age, so will the portrait of said person. But that's good, isn't it? Just tell you. You're my surgeon. It's weak, again. Well, I met a. You're my surgeon. It's wicked, man. Well, I...

Sportaz! I met a man who had my tattoo. Did you? A tattoo of your face? Yeah, my face. Where was it? Not a bad likeness. It was on his chest, as he pointed at, next to his ex-wife.

Oh, wow. I don't know if he was suggesting anything. It'd be a great way of confronting someone, having a tattoo of them and your ex-wife on your chest. This ring any bells? But yeah,

he had a nice, it was a good one. It was, I thought. Can I ask, I hope it's an okay question to ask, what was the hair like?

Just because you've gone through some different styles. You had the sort of acid bob. It was a little, a little longer, but it wasn't at maximum. I a czech shirt on i remember which was included in the depiction oh wow lovely and which must be i mean i wouldn't if it was the tattoos wouldn't think i'd just do it playing a plain blouse please no no i want the checks oh yeah but it was a good one i mean it wasn't one of those terrible ones. I liked him.

Actually, or did he have a mirror pendant? No, no, he did have my tattoo. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. On the... If I was going to get a tattoo, by the way, I mean, anyone who has a tattoo of any of their children, I'd want a little bit of a paternity test before I committed to ink. Yeah, you don't want to be short. That's a massive thing.

But I once went clay pigeon shooting. Extraordinary. Yeah, I remember there was a moment where I broke the shotgun. You know what I mean? Oh, halved it. Yeah, I halved it. And a puff of gunpowder. You can't say that

Frank anymore. I think you can say that. And the guy next to me who ran the place said, looked at me and said, I would say actually he was staring straight into my soul. And he said, looked at me and said, I would say actually he was staring straight into my soul. And he said,

best smell in the world. Wow. That's an insight into his personality isn't it? Anyway, he took me to see his shotgun selection and he'd got them in glass case. He had an elephant gun. He had an actual

elephant gun. Sorry to interrupt, Frank. Was this a posh man? No. Oh, not at all. I thought it was one of those, we have a name for these people, which is fellow noticed me things. No, no, this was a salt of the earth kind of a guy. Oh, okay, okay. And he had

a, I think it was a Purdy shotgun, which was owned by former West Ham hard man Julian Dix. One of my favourites. And on the silver, they're often... I'm so out of my depth in this conversation. They're often... Well, that's why I gave him a little description.

And the plate was engraved with the faces of his children. Oh, that's horrible. That's strange. I don't like it. That's strange. Well, is it any worse than Drake Senior? I don't know. It's on a shotgun, I know.

Listen, this is your new friend. I've told you, you've got three things in common. I know I beefed up the Doctor Who thing to lure you in, but he's a nice friend for you. No, I don't know how I'm going to approach him. I'll take care of that. Compliment him on his ink. That's the way in.

Nice ink, man. You can't go and say that. It sounds fake on Frank. Frank, try and say nice ink, man. How would you do? So I'm Dennis Gray, I'm here. Hey, Frank. Frank, try and say nice ink, man. How would you do? So I'm Dennis Gray. I'm here. Hey, Frank.

Nice to meet you. Nice ink, man. There you go. It's too... It sounds like you're trying too hard, if I'm honest. Oh, wow. And he also, he said that he doesn't like... He said he's had 16 people trying to straighten it out.

Straighten it out. Which, um... Wow. Was this all at once, ensemble? I have to say... You'd start again, wouldn't you? You'd just start again. The dialogue in this story of both Drake and his dad

has made me feel like such an old white guy. When I first... There's a Drake quote, and I thought, do we have to put this in the right order? He says, why you do me wrong, we family. Yeah. Why you do me wrong, we family. I like it, you know. Is this what they used to call jive talk?

I don't know, but I felt very old and very white. And what did the dad say, Frank, in response to why you do me wrong? The dad said something like, I've got 16 people trying to straighten me out. They're hurting me, I think he said. I mean, he might just have been having

some elaborate massage. I don't know. But it was a... And there is... I've got to say, there's one more aspect of the Drake thing which did... It did make me chuckle.

Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. You had... You weren't done with... Why are you doing him wrong? Why are you going to do Drake wrong? Well, this is a separate... They just mention this at the end. It was an addendum on the Drake story.

But I did like it. And he had been condemned, Drake, for using his private plane for quite short journeys for short hops environmentalists thought that was drake air yeah they thought that was unacceptable imagine skinner air so um you'd have to buy your own snacks it's a long way to skin a rare three so he uh felt that he had to defend himself on twitter and what he said was he said we were just moving that plane to another airport and then he added as his killer um no one was on the flight. Oh, that's why. Well, fair enough.

Yeah, fair enough. Well, they weren't to any harm. All the penguins breathed a sigh of relief. Oh, wow. I love that people try to make it better. Try to make it better. Don't say anything at all. Leave it, Trey. Put the phone down.

Oh, man, there was no one on it though do you think frank if you had to meet drake how would you cope with that in terms of how would you find common ground with him would you struggle be totally honest well i think he'd probably start off on the bad foot with me google imaging and looking around the room to find um i'd say did your dad play drums with jerry lee lewis and then i'd tell her some of my favorite jerry lee lewis anecdotes yeah that's lovely right oh yeah it's good because i think you need to think about things you never know no you'll find yourself and he's made some unlikely friends, Zoe. I reckon I'd bond. We'd bond over ink.

I've got a bit of ink. Oh, you've got ink? I don't see any ink. I would impress him with my ink. Talk us through your ink. I've got half a sleeve there. Do you know I've never seen so much just pulled up? I've never seen that.

Describe what you see. Is it a forest? Say what you see. Frank. I'm looking. It's very rude. Frank. No, it looks like... You can't say that.

It's sort of a Japanese scene. I've got a Japanese scene down one sleeve and it goes down my back. Do you know, that's actually lovely, Frank, isn't it? I've got what must be the most Brighton tattoo you can have. I've got a vegan hand-poked hammerhead shark on one leg. It's on one leg, or you've got it on one leg? I've got it on one leg. Okay, I thought it was...

Yeah, I've got it down there. Let's have a look. Oh, she has, frankly. This is great, right, dear? Sorry, I do appreciate it. You've got a little hand-poked shark. I'm sorry, readers. Why have we got to do you wrong?

I do apologise. We should put a photo of poacher. I'm sorry, readers. Why have we got to do you wrong? I do apologise. We should put a photo of the sleeve. Stick a picture of the hand poacher. The sleeve is lovely. Stunning. It's dense. Out of all three of us, me and Drake would probably be besties.

Oh, OK. Thanks a lot. Yeah, I think I win on this one. Are you suggesting I wouldn't have much in common? I think I'd struggle. I'm going to have to delve deeper. My Sade anecdotes. Oh, Frank, you can crack those out.

I don't think I've got any of those. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I should say we had a card from Martin Cheek. Do you know Martin Cheek? Do you remember?

He does, he does, I'm showing up, he's an artist, but he also is a bit of a pun, pun meister. I don't like the look of the front of that card is the first thing I'm going to say. Do you know why? Why? It looks horribly like one of my worst things ever is on the front of it. No, it is an octopus.

Do you not like octopus? Well, we spoke about octopuses last week. Oh. And he says, hi, Frank and Emily. Read the octopus. And Emily said, is it octopus or octopi? It's that old debate. And he said, Emily, I think the plural of octopus is octopuses.

Oh. Because the origin is Greek, not Latin. You know what? Geek is so up my strasa. Yeah. And then he sent me a... Oh, sorry. He sent you a calendar, which includes his artwork,

and I think may well include that monster on the front of the card. We just didn't like the cut of their jib, Frank. I'm not a fan. We've had some complaints, Frank. I've had a number of people from the marine world getting in touch. What? From underwater? Yeah. Who was it?

We didn't like what you were telling. Sounded like Drake. Aquaman has been in touch. Aquaman has been... Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner. I left him on read. Yeah. They've been...

Tri-Tempest. Poseidon is livid. Oh, what about if it was X20? Do you remember that one he used to do the secret? I am just an old man, Commander. I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of it.

He favoured... What was his... Did he wear a Mandarin collar, Frank? He might have had a... He had a sort of a green lurex cloak. Was it a bit bogged down safari suit? Oh, was it. He had a sort of a green lurex cloak. Was it a bit of a bobbed-down safari suit? Oh, it was a cloak.

Did he have a jewel clasping it? He was the earthbound agent of Titan, the underwater tyrant. I'm having memory flashbacks to this. Hang on, was Titan in relation... So, Neptune and Poseidon, obviously. They don't feature. Oh, OK.

No. They've got their own people. Their own people? Yeah. It's a bit like Neptune and Poseidon were a bit Rainforest Cafe. X-20 was a bit Jungle Cave. But the way it worked with Jungle Cave, sorry, with X-20,

is that you would be doing something, oh, Titan, oh Titan Lord Lord Titan we must destroy Stingray and then there'd be a at the door and all the machinery that he was speaking

into would turn into some lovely like a stereogram and stuff like that and he'd go to the door and they'd say have you been

communicating with Titan from and he'd say I'm just an old man commander. And Titan presumably had a trident because that's the thing that links all these

marine characters. I think he did. Titan was furious. Did he have long hair? No. He had a cap. A tight cap. A tight cap? He referred to it as his Titan. As my tight cap. Can I have a quick, a brief question, guys? How did Titan deal with,

because Neptune and Poseidon had issues with this, they deal with the below stairs area. Seaweed. Do they have a towel? Oh, yeah, they normally have a seaweed, some seaweed. No, I'm pretty confident he had legs. I mean, I haven't watched Stingray for probably 50 years, but I think he had legs. Yes I haven't I haven't watched Stingray for probably 50 years but I think he had legs

yes I'm confident I'm confident he had legs Titan did Titan have legs if he was at 12, 15 no the show

is about to we'll have to read it out next week ok we could just Google image him but are they going to be full length

yeah they could just be head shots I don't want to be having I don't want that on my Google history. Well, I think that's alright. Titan's legs. Yeah. Titan's nether regions.

You'd be Titan below the waist, is what you'd have to put in. It's not odd. You'll just get some spandex. Yeah, some spanks. Zoe, thanks. It's always lovely to see you in any context. Lovely to see you too.

But especially on the show. And if the good Lord spares us, and we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.