The Frank Skinner Show - Miss Givings

Episode Date: November 28, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank had a late night surprise and is worried about his fame ranking in the family. The team also discuss Wayne Rooney’s Blackberry smashing, the Presidential turkey and horded tech.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'd love it if you did one of those, but you know, no pressure. Easy. So, good know, no pressure. Please do. So, good morning, guys. Morning.

Here's the thing. I've been... I don't know if I'm going to put you on the spot here on the air. Let's assume that we all listen to Dave Berry's breakfast show on Absolute Radio. We do in our house. I love a bit of Berry. And this is... What's the name of that competition Sarah

five words five words and what is it they name it's like word association oh okay I did it after the arson things

I you they ask you a question say a word and you have to say the first word that comes into your head ping like that okay

and if you can get the five right words, the words that they've got or whatever, then you win some weeks. What's the 150? Oh, more than that. You can win £5,000. Oh, you're too enjoying your little show.

Yeah, it's difficult because the producer wears, not just wears a mask, but she wears a mask like what a Mexican bandito would wear in an old Walter Brennan movie. And he rolled up. It's like 807 on Absolute Radio. So I don't normally get to play. I usually get up just after five words, I'll be honest,

because Kath gets up with our child. Kath's my partner, gets up with our child, and then I take him to school, that's the deal. So this week, I've been getting up a bit earlier, so I've been hearing it and every time I, not every time, but every now and again I'll say a word and she'll go, Really? It's such a bad guess.

It's word association. It's the first word that's coming to mind. What sort of thing? So it's put me off. I mean, no offence if there's anyone from the day, but it's put me off. It's made me feel small at competition. You don't like that.

Does Kath come up with her own suggestions? Oh, yeah, of course. She's very good. But she's been playing it for months now. Oh, she's in a different league. I'm not sure she's been spontaneous. I think she's got a formula. She's like those guys that go to Las Vegas and play the wheel

with a little notebook. Oh yeah. Card counting. Yeah, exactly. There's something like that going on. She's like one of those pool sharks, huh? So what... Go on then, you're going to try it on us or something? No. Oh. You said I don't want to throw this at you No, I'm just

Can you second guess it? Is that what it is? If they say like beach ball You don't think straight away of sand You think of something else on purpose Yeah, normally they're one syllable though How is it? So he might say

You might say Frank Skinner No, two words Oh goodness I mean, come on What, the actual word's got to be one word. This is why we're not on every day. I don't understand it. Dave Barry does, and it's

like silk. Give me a minute, you can try and do it, to show me. Show, don't tell. So I'd say, volcano. Erupt. Right. There you go, you'd stand a good chance with that. Oh, thanks! Yeah. Acne. Erupt. You'd stand a good chance with that. Oh, thanks. Acne erupt.

You can't keep doing the same one. Anyway, it's a very fine... It's simple. I was going to go Gaffney. I don't know. That's awful. Not Gaffney. Not Gaffney. Is Wellard still alive? I bet it is now. Is Wellard still alive?

I bet it is now. Is that today's texting? Can I say, Wellard, that was a really sad episode. I think it might have been one of the last times I watched it when Wellard died. Yeah, but died, infictionally died. Well, and they played, you know when they slow down the EastEnders theme to make it all sad?

Oh, what for a dog? How dare you? It's going to make you popular. No, but you know what I mean. Good luck with that. But it's not even a real, it's a fictional dog. The death of a fictional dog. Had the actor dog died or was it just moving on to Panto or something?

I'm not quite sure. I bet there was more than one. In Skippy, Skippy, the 1960s, 70s Australian show, there was about 12 of them. They used to put them in knotted sacks and drive them round in a transit van.

And they'd rotate to keep them fresh. Because they all look pretty much the same. I mean, you can't. The way they were treated. Mr. Ed, the talking horse, they just used to put a big spoonful of peanut butter on the roof of his mouth, and he used to lick it for about ten minutes,

and they'd put the voice in after. Obviously, they'd put the voice in after. Yeah. I'm not suggesting there was a way around that with the talking horse phenomenon. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm not suggesting there was a way around that with the talking horse phenomenon. I've noticed, I'll tell you who else has gone for it, because you are bold.

Oh, yeah. I'm afraid I've seen recently for the washing powder. Oh, it's an advert for body. Yeah. Oh, wow. And it starts, Frank, going, job interview today. It's like, oh, wow. And it starts right going, job interview today. It's like, oh, no. Let's not make fun of it.

We might play it later. Oh, yeah. Well, I love this song. Remember, it's commercial radio. Yeah, exactly. Despite the originality, that's all. I got a warning last week when I questioned that advertising might not work on me, remember?

I'm not questioning advertising. I'm just saying, job interview today. You know, come on. We've had an email that at first gave me... I can't really knock with my Adidas three lines on a shirt. No, we haven't done that. I would love that.

Would you ever do that? No, and we turned down the Iceland's coming home when they started delivering quite a lot of money. But, you know. I'd have bought a lot of frozen sausage rolls. Yeah, but it was also a completely retrospectively

spilt a very special time in my life. Good night, respecter Mondo. I had misgivings when I saw the title of this email was fools.

I think I used to work with her in that misgivings. Lovely, very tight bond she had on her hair. Miss Givings. Miss Givings, you're actually quite beautiful. The title of the email was Fools, and then there's an observation, a big moment,

about Only Fools and Horses, which I can't actually read because it's got an unbroadcastable word in it. Oh, no. But thanks anyway. But the email continues, I think, interestingly. While you are on, can I slide in a big moment? In the 80s, I was told often... Can I just stop there?

A big moment for any new listeners is that something... I won't bother with the etymology, but it's something that you tell people as if you think oh nobody knows this and actually quite a lot of people know it okay uh i was told often in the 80s that tomato soup wasn't good for one's constitution as the tomato soup cooker in the factory corrodes seven times quicker than other varieties not sure if it's even true it could just be hyper hypothe age thesis or something they're just uh but i thought that was interesting and they continue tell frank then this is an old thing that we used to do of what we do not believe in um tell frank fainting is for real but i don't

believe in either jet lag or hay fever that's from Lenny, who adds brackets, tier two, close brackets. Okay, Lenny's got it, he's packed it in. Absolutely ticking loads of the boxes. He's like the Swiss Army knife of correspondence. Yeah, he's done an unbroadcastable and then several useful ones. I feel bad because I don't believe in car sickness, but now you've told me that Buzz suffers from it,

and I think of buzz as a truthful person and I had it in the the two occasions I went in a car before I was 16 I was a bit just not used to car I told you I'm car sick and Nora went out with a blow this is my sister went out with a blow commander and she she said that we've out with a bloke who had a... And she said... When she arrived, she said, oh, he's in his car. And we all went. And we all went out to have a look at him. And it was like a whole second-hand mini

and we were just walking around it in awe. In absolute awe. Oh. Well, I think when we first mooted what we don't believe in, I suggested average speed cameras, and I have come to believe in them. Ah. I've learned this lesson.

Have you ever been a victim? Yeah, I've learned this lesson the hard way a couple of times. Oh, you've all been a victim, dear. I thought they were like TV-licensed detective hands, you know, just a fake thing to make you behave better. Do you think TV ratings is a... LAUGHTER How exact a science do you think TV ratings is a... How exact a science do you think that is?

I know what you mean because they always say, oh, I mean, why have you never met anyone who's got the machines? Well, if they're not machines are they? No, I know. There used to be. There's a button in the back of the telly that registers which isn't true. So it's based on...

I just, I can't believe if if you look at the rated ones, all the awful programmes are at the top. Yeah. And then all the better ones, no-one's watching it. I'd rather believe that TV ratings were a failure than that we live in a nation of imbeciles. LAUGHTER And now, music.

Free Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I'll tell you what I was watching. Me and me and Baz, my eight-year-old, were watching the do you know the ritual of the presidential Thanksgiving turkey? I do.

Every year a turkey is brought to the White House and all set to be slaughtered for Thanksgiving dinner. And the president very ceremonially pardons it. And then it lives on a farm, because it often lives on a farm. It's never killed to eat that turkey. It's just the one, though, who pardons. Yeah, just the one. So I was watching that, and that came on.

And I didn't tell boss about the pardoning element. I thought, I'll let him get anxious for this turkey. That's kind. So I said, this is a... He was talking about this lovely bird, very, very lovely bird. Oh, God, will those tapes come out again? And he said, what's he talking about? I said, there's a turkey there, he's going to eat for his Thanksgiving dinner.

And he went over to it. So the boss was going, oh no, that's so cruel. And I said, well, to be fair, we have turkey for our Christmas dinner. He said, yeah, but we do kill ours. And I said, no, he's not going to eat it now. And he honestly thought, and then we'd riffed together about what it would be like as a TV spectacular if Trump ate this turkey alive on television.

He went at it. That would be amazing. And I said, if when we come back, if we went upstairs and come back in an hour's time, there'd just be blood and poo everywhere. And I'd like to think some of that blood and poo would belong to the president. And then we got into the conversation of why doesn't he do it with a human being?

Why not get a death row prisoner and pardon, bring that out, that person out, and then pardon them? That would be lovely, wouldn't it? That's a really lovely idea. It is, yeah. Life in 2020 isn't quite enough like the Hunger Games for you, so let's see if we can go full tilt. Well, he might well be out of there soon, so he could have done the whole of death row. I think he might well be out there,

as it's an inclusive language. We'll see. He's going down fighting. He is. And a small table. Eddie from Colston has been in touch. Whee! Colston. Oh, God. Whee! Colston.

Oh, God. Yeah. Ill when you do that. Hi, Emily, Frank and Alan. I heard you talking about the canine thespians who played Wellard in EastEnders. Ah, yes. Note the plural there, thespians.

Yes. Believe it or not, one of them also played, wait for it, it's good, Frank, Russell Crowe's wolf in the opening battle scene in Gladiator. So a slight change of pace for him in teaming up later with the Gaffney. Keep up your contractually obligated duties, That's interesting, because I met the bird who played Wolf's crow in Gladiator.

Come on, that was clever. Wolf's Crow in Gladiators. Oh, God. Come on, that was clever. It wasn't funny, but it was a clever concept. It's the same ingredient. I mean, Gladiator, Gladiators. Wolf. Yeah.

I mean, Russell Crowe. I mean... No, I know. I think you rearranged a lot of the words. Yeah, it was like juggling. Listen, you put a lot of work into that. Well done. You know, there's people at home that'll be in awe. Yeah, it was like juggling. Listen, you put a lot of work into that. Well done.

You know, there's people at home that have been, I'm not saying anyone's laughing, but I bet there's people still working it out. Oh, yeah. I bet there's people who have said, I might be one of them. Lynn! Me too, Al.

You said, Russell Crowe's wolf in Gladiator, and I said I met the bird that was... Remember Wolf from Gladiators? Yeah. Wolf's crow from Gladiators. Yeah. OK.

See, that's it. All right, darling. I say the big bloke's going, Lynn, get us a pencil and paper, love. We're just working out this thing Frank Skinner said on the radio. Yeah. No, there won't.

This doesn't work. Get a pencil up. That's what I'm seeing happening in people's homes. We've been inundated. Yeah, people getting in touch about your wolf gladiator joke to praise it. See? Have we? No. No. That is so cruel. about your wolf gladiator joke to praise it see have we no no i was thinking is that mainly on

twitter so cruel i don't see the twitter that is just that's like being in a cage and people having like pointed sticks horrible um we have had 49 493 sending a long message describing motion sickness and why it happens. And I would just say to Steve in Holbridge, we didn't say that we didn't believe in it. I think, I don't like to speak as the group. It was Emily Dean who said it. I absolutely...

It was a guest. No, I don't believe in it. Motion sickness? Yeah, I don't believe in it at all. Not only... When everyone says I'm car sick, I say, no, you're not, you're just not tensioned. I'm sorry. I'm not sickness I don't believe in it at all when everyone says I'm car sick I say no you're

not you're just not tensioned I'm sorry I do believe this now I don't always want attention but not only

did I get in cars a lot as a kid but I went to a thing at the Trocadero in Piccadilly Circus.

It's a sort of a centre of fun. It used to be. I don't believe it. I think it's closed down now. I don't know what it is now. I don't think the centre of London is open for much fun right now. No, the centre of London, like the centre of most great cities, is a very trashy area.

It can be, yeah. And I love London, but the centre... You know the M&M shop and stuff? Come off it. What about where Frank and I went in there? Anyway, so I went there and it was a... You went for a... Sat in this little tiny cinema

and you watched a film of a runaway carriage on a sort of mining railway track, you know, underground mine, tiny track. I believe I experienced this, Frank. And they move, your seat moves. Oh, one of those. It's a virtual ride. Yeah, and I did that and I felt awful, I felt really sick after that.

And I was 35. So it does happen. It definitely happens. Yeah. Okay. I've got sick after that. And I was 35. So it does happen. It definitely happens. Yeah. Okay. I've got to tell you. My biggest don't believe in is when people say they've had email problems. Yeah, sure.

When people say I never got your email, that is always a lie. Although that did happen to me last week. No, it didn't. There is a thing you can get which is awful. It's a programme which, and what it does, some friends recommended to me, I won't name and shame these people because they're good friends, they said, get this, it'll change your life.

It ruined my life. It promises to sort out your emails. Oh, I don't like that. And put them in separate folders. People still aren't speaking to me as a result of this. I'm sorry. It doesn't... If you could get a gadget which fitted on your phone, For holders, people still aren't speaking to me as a result of this. I'm sorry. If you could get a gadget which fitted on your phone,

which operated as a lie detector, would you have that gadget on your phone? So I could tell if the person was lying? Yeah. I love this idea. Would you want it? A hundred. Oh, would you?

Would you not, Frank? Well, it wouldn't be worth it for my two calls a week. But can I tell you, I've had a strange week this week. You know, when celebrities marry celebrities, I always think, oh, no, I wouldn't do that. So you are. Because you lose a bit of your specialness you know what i mean you want to be the one in the family who emanates light you do yeah and then um my sister-in-law she married a um a guy who's a massive successful

writer so obviously that that diminished me somewhat and And now, my sister, my partner and her sister are doing a podcast, which is going really well. It was closing in on... By the way, I didn't know we featured in the comedy podcast charts on a regular basis on this show. Who knew? We're doing all right, Al. Cheer up.

I'm cheering. Anyway, this week, she says to me, can you open the side gate for me? It's a bit stiff. Can you open the side gate? Because we've got a photographer from the Daily Telegraph doing a session in the garden. Really?

And I thought... Honestly, it's tough. I'll be completely straight with you now. They also manage Daisy May and Charlie Cooper who do this country. They manage them, her and her sister. And so I'm sitting at home. We were on holiday and it's like, oh, Daisy May and Charlie have had this offer

for a 28-part series from the BBC, but I don't think they'll be able to do it because of that Hollywood thing. Jack's saying, yeah, I've just got to go and speak to George Clooney on the phone. And I'm saying, yeah, I'm doing the Chortle book festival online.

Have you ever seen A Star Is Born? It's tough. By the way, my sister's podcast, which is called... It's not your sister, it's your partner. Yeah, my partner. Sorry, once... It feels more like a sister nowadays.

She... Contra people will think nothing of it. I... Christmas future for all relationships, let's be honest. The podcast is called I Wish I Was an Only Child and this week actually features Charlie Cooper and Daisy May Cooper from Miss Contra. Oh, I can't wait.

Oh, it's very ooh-ah-ooh-ah. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, by the way, I was talking about having to open the side gate because the photographer from the Daily Telegraph was photographing my partner and her sister in our garden for an interview. They've come off it. Are you worried that the seesaw has tilted and you've become the civilian in the marriage?

I have become, and I married a civilian in order that I might shine even brighter. That's the spirit. Good for you. That's the spirit. Oh, no. Good for you. And I failed. But one highlight of it was she told me that there's a... She said apparently he's quite a well-known photographer. He's called Alistair Crowley.

Now, Alistair Crowley is everybody's favourite occultist. He really is. Yeah, he's a very... He sort of wrote his own version of the Bible with one commandment, which was, do what thou wilt. But it's not the same one. A famous rock star owns his old house.

I'm sure our readers will know. I think Led Zeppelin used to take it in turns to live in Alistair Crowley's former... Just Jimmy Page! Oh, Jimmy Page is the one who had the ongoing argument. Is it Brian May? Have any of our readers know which old rocker lives in Alistair Crowley's house? I think there's a record of old rockers

living in Alistair Crowley's former places. This is a different chapter to photographer. I think he's quite well-known. He's actually called Andrew, as it turns out. Oh, is he? I think she had Alistair Crowley in her mind because she reads about him quite a lot. She's going to be an international celebrity.

She can't go all Doc Cotton on the names. No, she can't start calling the photographer after a well-known occultist. No. No, you've got to pick your battles. Frank, talking of Dot Cotton, 976, we've had a missive in

from one of our esteemed readers. EastEnders is rich pickings for autobiographies and shoehorned in titles. Because you know we're a fan of these. Pam St Clements. I might see if you can come up, either of you. Comics.

Off Pat. Do you know that would have been great. Because she was Pat pending. Come on, Frank. I think Do you know that would have been great Because she was Pat Pending Oh That would be good Come on Frank I think I mean

Let's have her butchers We should explain she played Pat Butcher Yeah she did Yeah I mean Yeah you don't want to have to put that Under an asterisk on the cover No

Imagine if the publisher But if you're going to buy it You're going to know who she is Yeah That, under an asterisk on the cover. No. Imagine if the publisher said... But if you're going to buy it, you're going to know who she is. Yeah. Nobody buys random biographies, autobiographies of the people I've never heard of, do they? No, I don't think so. Well, I would say, it's good, but it's not right.

But what I'm actually going to say is, it's better, but it's not right. What was that? The actual title was The End of an Earring. Oh, not bad, though. Yeah, OK. Not bad. John Altman. That was Nasty Nick, wasn't it?

Was Big Brother called Nasty Nick? Was he called another one? He was, yeah. They can't just steal someone's moniker. No, I think they did. I think that's exactly what happened. At that end of the scale. Can't steal someone's moniker, sell it.

Nasty, would it be a nasty business? Turning nasty. No. Nick in time. Yay! Oh, Frank, in the nick of time. Oh, hurrah. I know one.

Can I ask you one? I don't know if we've got, yep, sure. It might be on that list, but one that I always liked was for the brevity of the title. Go on. No S. No S. Oh, no S.

No S. I would include the... If our readers promise not to... I'll tell you what, if we say this, if you Google it, then something terrible has to happen to you in the next 24 hours. Anyone who knows the answer, which East Ender star?

I'm going to spend the musical interlude thinking about this. Okay. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. You may have guessed this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. People have, I say, rather successfully this morning.

You can follow... You're sounding like an old classics teacher. You can... That's my general ambience on this show, I would say. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram. It's going to be non-classical. At Frank on the radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio

website. So many options. I'd say that's very much your look at the moment and I like it. He's moving chic-wise towards the master, it's the Latin master, Ampleforth. Yes, I chose the Catholic one.

Thank you. Yes, I'd rather you hadn't picked one that was involved in a recent scandal. Oh, dear. Nevertheless. Which one? They all have been, Frank, I'm afraid. Oh, don't.

Speaking of matters of faith, we've had somebody with what I find a comic misunderstanding. You were discussing how your brother-in-law is a well-known writer. He's not just well-known. We've had an email One of the greats. titled Catholicism. Frank, do you discuss religion

with your BIL Mr. Pullman? Oh, I see. If so, what do you think of the criticism of his work by the Catholic Herald citing Pullman's work as an example of fiction far more worthy of the bonfire than Harry Potter on the ground.

Dot, dot, dot. I bring this to your attention because I find it funny on several levels. Now, my brother-in-law is not John Pullman. Philip Pullman. Philip Pullman, yeah. He's not John Pullman either. He's not John Pullman, the 1980s Snooker star. I wish he was. He's better John Pullman, the 1980s snooker star. I wish he was, but better that than Philip.

John Pullman. Yeah. If only Philip Pullman had kept his hands in his pockets. Yeah. The best thing you've ever said is, my brother-in-law is not John Pullman. That's great. That's some interesting snooker corruption trial from 1984.

Anyway, my brother-in-law did the... I think where the confusion is, he did the adaptation of his dark materials, which, of course, was originally written by... He does them all. They all want him. Yeah. But, you know, I'm all right with Pullman and his views.

It's fine. I think you just gotta, you know. Yeah. Okay. I think I used to agree with Pullman on atheism. But I think he might be

a bit stupid on a few other things. Okay. Well, no, but he's perfect. Anyway, let's not slag him off as my brother-in-law's working closely with him. Well, nobody's perfect. Anyway, let's not slag him off as my brother-in-law's working

closely with him. I'm going to take a meander out of controversy corner and take us back into EastEnders because we left you on Tenterhooks. Would you say that's fair?

Yes. Guess the autobiography title. Oh, I... Well, I said... I happened to... Someone had sent in some funny EastEnders autobiography titles. For example, Pam St Clement's The End of an Earring, John Altman In the Nick of Time. There's one more.

OK, let me have a guess at this and then I'll tell you. Let's have a guess at this and then... Because I like to keep people guessing give them a bit more time to get their pen and paper, people always say that don't they, they say get your paper and pencil ready, no one has that these days I do

you do actually June Brown, Frank what would hers be now do we know who she played yes of course, She played Dot Cotton. OK. Any takers? Dot Com, millionaire.

Dot Cotton, millionaire. I mean, the world is her oyster with that. Yeah. Smoke gets in your eyes. Oh, that would have been good, Frank. My Beautiful Laundrette. Oh, that's good. She needed you. You see, you helped me come up with

my book title. This is what they... That could be your job. A strand of cotton? No. Okay. Book titles are us. You could charge a fortune for this, Frank. Do you want a last final hurrah? I think she might have been in

The Curse of Paladon. She was definitely in a Doctor Who. That's what everyone was thinking. That's not the highlight of people's lives. That's what everyone was thinking when she got mentioned. OK, well, what is it? Do you want to know what it is? Yeah.

Before the year dot. Oh, it's good. It's good because it makes sense. OK. Do you want to know the... We'll come back. The no S one, I've got a guess. Okay, I have a guess.

I think it's Letitia Dean. Why? Because her name hasn't got an S in it, is it that? It's a good... To quote Roy Slow Talker Walker, that's good, but it's not right. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. No S. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Now, Es do you have

what do our readers think? Oh, enjoy the crisp Enjoy the crisp You're on the radio At least pretend I forgot You just completely forgot I completely forgot

I was on the radio But you just did it so ostentatiously It was like you were eating crisps, your character in a radio play eating crisps. What do they call that sound effects in radio thing? Sound effects?

No, it's a technical term for the bloke who sort of, there's a thing where you have, like they use corn flour and they press it so it goes, and they do walking in through snow. Oh, okay. Foley. Foley, yeah. Oh, okay.

Good knowledge. We have, well, the answer to the No S autobiography. Yes. We've had some guesses here. Yeah, what have we got? Leila Morse,

Route 1. Oh, no, this isn't got? Leila Morse, Route 1. Oh, no, this isn't a guess. This is Just a Moe. OK. I believe that was hers. Was that Big Moe's was called Just a Moe? Yeah. Oh, OK.

OK. OK. Nothing to see here. 594 has suggested for No S S Wendy Richard. Yes. That is the answer. Linda, congrats, you're well done. That makes sense. Wendy Richard. Not Wendy Richards.

And so, yeah. Okay. I used to love Wendy Richards in her youth. And my youth. Richard. Wendy Richard. No, I loved all of them. She was, I'll tell you what, I don't know if people look like that, but she had what I would call an English glamour about her. Oh, OK.

Pale, which is not popular now. Pale and sort of seven out of ten dress sense. Right. And that combination, she... That's great. There's a photo of her. You know, she was in Help, the Beatles movie, but her scene got cut.

Did you know this? Tough. And there's a photo of her with Paul McCartney. She's beautiful. Beautiful. Wendy Richard. No longer with us, of course. And a fervent Margaret Thatcher supporter.

Was she? Interesting. The late Kenny Everett as well. It's always nice. and a fervent Margaret Thatcher supporter. Well, sure. Interesting. The late Kenny Everett as well. It's always nice. It's always nice to have a dark side on a glamorous woman, I think. You know what I mean? A little bit of poison. I remember the late Kenny Everett having those big thumbs

at a Conservative rally. Did he? Yes, I believe he brought the thumbs out. He shouted, let's bomb Russia at a Conservative rally did he? yes I believe he brought the thumbs out he shouted let's bomb Russia at a Conservative rally

did he? oh did he? I think he said bomb oh for heaven's gate 849 has suggested just one final

here for the EastEnders autobiographies, because it is a final. It's done it again. Enjoy your crisp prank. Oh God, I've done it again!

Okay, you really have. And now you're screeching whilst eating crisps. But it's interesting, I loved Kenny Everett. And Wendy Richard. And I could completely cope with the fact that they had a different political view to me. What's happened to that? Good lad.

It's gone. Good lad. 849, June the Dots could have been a good one. June the Dots. That is good. What do you think? I think 849 might be available for book titling You and the dots. That is good. That is, yeah. What do you think? No, I like that.

That's better than I am. I think 849 might be available for book titling as well. You know, this business that you're going to launch, maybe you could get them in as well. I like a punning title, and I was thinking, what about a show? I did This Is Your Life. Oh, yes.

I was This Is Your Life. And I remember thinking, wouldn't this, I kept thinking, they're not going to bring any ex-girlfriends out, are they? Because imagine the tension. They didn't. But then I thought, but wouldn't it be a great show if that's all they brought out, ex-partners? And I thought, and they come on...

Retitle it, This Is Your Anxiety Dream. This is the end of your life as you know it. And you just talk about what the relationship, what went wrong, what they were like. So it's a celebrity and maybe two or three former parts. It's a remembrance of Fling's past. But get this, get this, and the title could be Excommunication. Oh, that's good.

Top end, top end. That is a good title. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Lovely Christmas-y missive from 614. Enjoying the show, listening while

writing Christmas cards and watching Frank on YouTube recently. She likes watching old episodes of your chat show. Goodness. Loved Caroline Hearn and Kenny Rogers. You look so young then, Frank.

Do you know Kenny Rogers? No. All right. I actually told him about that because he had a fast food chain called Kenny Rogers Roosters. I said, are you familiar with the verb usage? And he wasn't. It was a great moment.

I liked him a lot. Me too. And Caroline, very kindly, she offered to conduct a laboratory experiment in which I started drinking. Me and her in a locked hotel room and she made sure I didn't do anything unsafe. That was the idea. And then Eric Clapton wrote to me and said, I saw that.

Can I beseech you not to start drinking again? Good. Funny old world. And now I'm opening the side gate so that my partner and her sister can do a photo shoot with the Daily Telegraph. You do seem to feel quite eclipsed. Oh, I'm so eclipsed. Yeah, but that shows great strength in you to be able to let others barse.

Look, it's a good time for the ladies in general in 2020. And it's like when you get to the zoo, you get by the bars and have a good look at the animal. Then you move away and let someone else stand by the bar. You've taken it in a very dignified way. It's not like you've mentioned it

on national radio on the weekend. No. It's good. I need to lance. Yeah, yeah. There's something on my mind I need to lance. You need to Armstrong it.

I know. Sorry to mention that. I know you were a man. I know you're a man. I know. It still burns, that thing. One big lie. Not quite. A few more than one.

Can I say, by the way, I've been recommended the Daisy and Charlie Cooper podcast with my partner. There is a good deal of swearing on it, so if there's anyone listening to this who doesn't like swearing... Sorry, has anyone seen frank skinner no no but on this show as you know i'm squeaky clean listen don't like that so much that was me rubbing my hands together

thanks to james from eating crisps yeah i can't believe i did that. I'm so sorry, everyone. I had a crisp mid-link and then I was ashamed of myself and then a minute and a half later I had another crisp. I mean, it's so unprofessional. Silas. Clive Silas. You're familiar with him. I know his sister, Miley. Yes.

He has pointed out, you mentioned famous Maggie Thatcher supporters and today is 30 years to the day since she resigned. 30 years of hurt? That's probably what dear old Wendy Richard would have said if she's still around. Do you remember what she said? We are leaving Downing Street. Good.

I'll tell you what. I believe that Wendy Richard was given a speech as Pauline in EastEnders in which she moaned about Margaret Thatcher and she refused to do it. Is that right? And yet Bruno Gantz said yes to Blaine Hitler. We've all got our standards. Didn't bother David Tennant with his mass murderer work. No.

You know, we've all got, we're all different. What else? Some people will play Thomas More. I'll tell you what happened to me. Some people will play. I'll tell you what happened to me. Yeah. The doorbell went at 10 o'clock at night.

Good story, bro. We never. In our house, it's. Good story, bro. Ten o'clock. We never. Well, in our house, it's an enormous story. Yeah. That never happens. In your house, it's a basis for an epic poem.

Ten o'clock at night. It was some knock-a-door run. You know who it was? Visitor from Port. So I said, who's that on the intercom? And it's a royal male. A ten-piece.

That's exactly what I said. I said, royal male Royal I went hi Royal Mail 10 o'clock the intercom was operating

at the very extremity of its treble what was it they were delivering I'll tell you what it was delivering it was a parcel

for people who live up the road it got the wrong wrong house I mean but what's going on 10 o'clock and I went out

and I had a look to make sure it was a Royal Mail van and not some... Oh, he's such a nosy neighbour. Good work on your due diligence. Yeah, because I thought, no, potential burglars are going to think, well, first of all, we have to nick a Royal Mail van. No, they don't. I can imagine him in his Crocs and his bifocals.

Yeah, exactly. Little dressing gown. No, no, just aifocals. Yeah, exactly. Little dressing gown. No, no, just a pajama jacket. Oh, God. That'll scare him off. Yeah. Watch your... You won't be coming round again.

Watch your latest ever Royal Mail delivery. 8.12.15. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Now. Frank, I'd like to draw both you gentlemen's attention to the matter of Wayne Rooney.

It's a big day for him today, I believe, isn't it? Is his first game as gaffer Proper in charge? I don't know. I don't know much now just for the championship. I'm saving that for next season. I like to. I think they're so cute.

He said, he did say recently, actually, because he said he's going to retire. That's it. He's done with playing. Yes, no more playing, just managing. Wow. But we don't care about that on this show.

We leave that to other people. We care about him smashing up a blackberry in a dressing room. Because he revealed this recently. He was doing a United podcast, and he was talking about a moment some years ago i saw it as an incident of immense shame he seemed to find it funny but you know we're all different they're often a fine line between the two there's definitely a not always clear line until too late what happened i mean i feel i should use the footballers tense out of respect here.

Okay. He's gone in. Yeah. To the first team dressing room. He's looked up. He's discovered his Blackberry charger is being used by another player. Can I say, I don't know if they're still around, but already saying he had a Blackberry in the dressing room,

to me, feels like I left my abacus in the dressing room. Yeah, it feels like they were playing in boots that went up past the ankle, doesn't it? Exactly. And really heavy footballs. Can I also make a confession? I was going to say, and this is very rarely I do this, I was going to say, instead of abacus, sextant.

Oh, that would have been good. And I thought, I don't know if people will know what a sextant is. I wouldn't have. Now, usually I trust you guys and indeed our audience. Well, you'd have lost half of the studio audience because I wouldn't have got that. Well, you would have lost, but then you also would have raised them up a bit

because then they would have found out. You'd have gained a bit of richness, wouldn't you? that. Well you would have lost but then you also would have raised them up a bit because then they would have found out. Do people still use BlackBerrys? I just want to check this before we... They've gone have they? Only Dave Berry because I think they might sponsor him. No they don't. Because the idea of smashing up at BlackBerry now

feels like... You know when you see ISIS smashing up ancient monuments? It's got that kind of vibe to it. I'm not comparing Wayne Rooney with ISIS in any real way. No. Anyway, so he gets in. So he gets in. He's been charging his, that's right.

He's been charging his BlackBerry in the first team dressing room. And I use the first team. There's a reason I put emphasis on this. Because what then happens is he examines, he looks up, he examines the BlackBerry he sees it belongs to a player called Ravel Morrison. Do you remember him? I actually

don't remember him. Well that says a lot because you know everything about football Well no I don't but I think he's a guy who was going to, like there's a great many guys who was on the brink of being really good and ending quite... He showed promise, but... It's a tough old business.

It never quite happened. Anyway, when Rooney discovers the Blackberry thief, Charger thief, is Ravel Morrison, at that point, he loses it. Yeah, it's smashed. He hasn't lost the dressing room. He lost it in the dressing room. He went absolutely

postal he smashed it up but what I like about that and he admitted it Frank he said I smashed it I'm glad you like this

no I like that his temper was alright until he found out it wasn't a first team player yeah it was a junior player it's not often

you get that well I suppose you do people say I can't control my temper but everybody can a bit selective first team player yeah he was a junior player it's not often you get that well I suppose you do people say oh yeah I can't control my temper but everybody can a bit

selective he had a tier system for who was allowed to use his foot exactly years ahead

of his time Wayne Rooney you were asking about late visits from the Royal Mail Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You were asking about late visits from the Royal Mail. Yes, ten o'clock I came to our... Too late. Sickening. Christmas backlog, he said. I said, your medical problems are your business.

My postman's wonderful, can I say. He listens to the show. We've got a lovely postwoman who's really lovely, but this was a van man. He was friendly, but 10 o'clock at night. Yeah. 174 has texted. Emily really enjoys this.

It's funny. On the subject of Royal Mill, my wife and I are normally both at work when our postie visits, but I was off on Thursday, popped to the shops and came home to find him taking cuttings from our bay tree outside our front door. Outraged Andy from Dorchester.

Did he say anything to you? There's no more information. Andy from Dorchester would love to know what... Do you think he was making some spaghetti bolognese? And he wanted the bay leaves I mean keen cook don't be calling

in the bay leaves on the stage we've got a rosemary bush in our back garden but if it was in the front and the posty decided hey I'm doing land tonight

I'd be fine with that would you be ok with it yeah I think so I think you've got to ask haven't you what would you say Frank you'd go

absolutely post on we have a thick encampment of marijuana OK with the ask that you've got to ask, haven't you? What would you say, Frank? You'd go absolutely postal. We have a thick encampment of marijuana in our back garden. And I would be out. We haven't. We haven't. No. No, we haven't. OK.

No, I think they should ask, though. What, the postman who... Well, anyone who... Those postmen who have a habit of trimming bay leaves. Yes, it takes your James Bay leaves. So, let's get back to Wayne Rooney in the dressing room. I mean, I can understand his agony because I have come back to my own phone that has been unplugged

and a family member, either my son or wife, has plugged in. And then you get back and you find your phone at 37% and you thought you were coming back to somewhere 80s, 90s even. I'm putting it in the same Venn diagram. If you've ever had this, it happens to me all the time, you boil the kettle and then when you go back to make your tea, it's gone in the steamer or something, it's just been left there empty. Yeah.

I mean, you don't find a kettle boiling and think, it's gone in the steamer or something. It's just been left there empty. Yeah. Oh. I mean, you don't find a kettle boiling and think, oh, this is probably just randomly boiling. Just saying. Well, he... Of course, now she's getting famous, that's going to get worse. I'll be treated like muck in our house. He, we should say, Ravel Morrison,

he did respond to this, to Wayne Rooney's revelation. Did he say it was a load of boleros? Oh, very good. Come on. That's great. That's great. That's great work.

Yes, what did Ravel say? Ravel said that he said it was Rio's fault. Oh. Meaning Rio Ferdinand, obviously, because Rio's no stranger to a prank. You may recall he had an entire show, You've Been Merked, I believe, at this point. Oh, yeah.

He would turn up and he did one on David Beckham. It was quite cruel. Now I think about the David Beckham one. He got some men to get in a car and pretend they were sort of kidnapping him. I remember that. That was a bit... Light on laughs, strong on hostage-taking vibe.

A sort of daily concern for the man that he would presumably be very sympathetic to. I mean, come on, Rio, you've taken leave of your senses. Rio would probably get his arm back for when they hid that drugs test he was supposed to do. Absolute radio. I'm amazed that a professional footballer leaves their phone unaccompanied in that kind of dressing room. in that kind of dressing room, because surely they're exactly the kind of people that would love to, you know, prank you.

He said it was Rio's fault because of, you know, and you've been murked, which, can I say, should have been a show presented by Angela Merkel. That would be good. You've been murked. He said Rio had done it as a prank and he went on to say, Ravel said, I would never take your phone off charge.

Smiley face. Is that what he calls Rooney? I have to say, I'm sort of pro-Rio this week because West Brom was a victim of some terrible VARs at the weekend. Oh yeah. And he was our main, well, poor Scoles was saying,

well, I wouldn't say it were cut and dry. No, it was cut and dry. Oh, Scolesy. And Rio was saying,

no, come on. So, that was good. Okay. So that's sweared you towards him. It's as I like him now.

I've decided he's a fantastic bloke. Yes, Super Bobby Taylor, who used to play for West Bromwich Albion, I think played for Leeds in his youth. And he got back to the dressing room once, couldn't find any of his clothes, his shoes or anything, couldn't find any of them. And there was much laughter.

And then when he looked up, they'd all been nailed to the ceiling of the dressing room. Merked. He'd been merked. He'd been merked. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215, that would be good, because they've been rich today, the texts. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. All of it makes for a more interactive world. Well, we've been talking about Wayne Rooney this morning and his smashing up the BlackBerry in the dressing room incident.

Louise Grant, and this is what I love about our readers, they take things off on a slight tangent, which I love. Louise Grant, Wayne Rooney, club shop outfit or tidy tailoring for his first full gaffer appearance today? What do you think? That is a good question. That question to Frank Skinner. I think, I cannot see Rooney in his meter wearing a suit and stuff.

I think he's going to be unreservedly club shop. Well, we know he's not a fan of the reserves. Maybe even that, no. He's made that clear. Derby County baseball cap, even. Oh, yeah. What are you going? I agree with Frank, but I often puzzled,

and I think I've mentioned this before, Tony Pulis, I always felt he did this the wrong way around. He would be in track suit and a baseball cap at the sideline, and then he would do his match of the day interview having had a shower and wearing a full suit. And I thought, you're going to be on the bus, mate, in your full suit. No, this is BS.

What you want is the track suit for the bus. It wasn't a long haul flight. You want a suit for the authority when you're showering at the bus. What I like, you see, I always like David Pleat for this reason. Well he would know about fashion wouldn't he with that nominative determination. He went for the 1970s minicab driver slip on.

You know with the little gold snaffle on them and I love that about him. Here's the problem though, if the ball comes towards him and he's got those on, he's not going to pass it back well and then the crowd will turn on him and then he'll lose his confidence and his job. A gaffer trying to pass a ball

back in a minicab driver slip-on from the 70s, come on. A gaffer just basically receiving the ball in any capacity gets more scrutiny from the crowd than the other 95 minutes of football. I'm going to go... Can I say, though, Tony Poole,

I always used to say, if you wanted to see 70% about West Bromwich Albion's club shop thing, go and see the Poole's family night fishing. And they would be completely covered in scarves, manager jackets, tracksuits. I mean, it would all be there. I'm going to go Wayne, I think he might

go a sort of he might go a peps lucky grey cardigan I think he might go for some expensive knitwear Italian knitwear I mean it's quite cold in the summer I can see him just in one of those Fred Flintstone

smocks Tamard with the serrated bottom Just in one of those Fred Flintstone smocks. A tabard. With the serrated bottom. So Flintstone's tabard, right? A different kind of club shop. And it has a lovely, it has a V as well. Yeah. Can I ask a question?

Does it have a belt of any sort, the Fred Flintstone garment? I mean, I remember. 8, 12, 15 I don't know what animal has got an orange pelt with a sort of a black hexagon

on it but yeah he's not with it that animal may not exist now probably oh it's a shame very early creature

isn't it oh yeah of course yeah I mean for a family they I think use some sort of ancient pelican as a stylus for their record player

And the telephone, was that a pterodactyl of some sort? It was very fun, that was the first when we got Colla Telly which was about three years after Colla Telly came out the first programme I watched in Colla was the Flintstones and it felt so amazing in my own

home but hair bear bunch oh yes that was that was fabulous so don't shout um oh yes i thought i was gonna i was gonna move on but um oh sorry there's the the fares has arrived at my side how do we get out of this it's all For new listeners, when the producer wants me to shut up, she puts a Fez at the side and I respond to that. We always have a Fez time or something like that.

Oh yeah. I don't like Fez time. It sounds a bit wrong. I don't know why. It sounds a bit louche. Yeah. I don't know why. Oh, it sounds a bit louche. Yeah.

The thing I'm surprised by about the Rooney leaving the BlackBerry in the dressing room for footballers is that they are kind of towel-flicking kind of characters, aren't they? And I'm not. And I still sometimes take advantage of the fact that the iphone you know if you flick the screen you can get to the camera without knowing someone's code you know that if you press the button i didn't know that frank so i would say about twice a week most weeks i take a picture of my own nostrils or of me gurning or something like that and leave it on my son's or my wife's phone. I thought those days were behind you, Al.

You'd think, wouldn't you? But no, they're still happening. And I'm not a towel-flicking jock professional footballer. I'm a somewhat cerebral comic, I'd like to think. And I'm still guilty of that sort of caper. I used to be really good at towel flicking. Did you? I mean, I got the timing on it.

I was so perfect. Weird flex? Yeah. Do you know what? I've never done it in my life. Well, come to the masterclass. No, you're all right. I should go around the schools doing a masterclass, innit?

That'd be good. Sport schools, mainly. Yeah, but you see what's frustrating is that I was in Montana and this cowboy tried to teach me how to flick a bullwhip. And when he did it, I thought, this is like just the towel. It's a transferable skill. I could not do it. Oh, that's a shame.

And when he did it, it made a sound like you've never. It really echoed. Couldn't do it. I like you saying like you've never because that's a very Trumpy thing. He says like you've never. You wouldn't believe it.

Numbers like you've never. I was in your manor at the weekend, Emily. What happened? It's one of the rare occasions in my life I felt sorry for J.B. Priestley. Oh, yeah. Because there's a house there which was lived in by J.B. Priestley, the writer. But it was also lived in by Samuel Taylor Coleridge. And I was so impressed by the Coleridge thing,

I sort of slightly ignored the Priestley. It reminded me of when I was on an aeroplane with the playwright Tom Stoppard. Oh, yeah. A fabulous anecdote. Yes. And there was a weird thing happen. Some sort of, we dropped about 20 feet. You know that horrible thing?

Oh, yeah. And there was a bang. It was really quite scary. And as we got off, I said, who do you think would have got top billing, Tom, if me and you had gone there? What did he say? He said, it rather depends on the newspaper.

Oh, you know what? You got murked. No, I got murked. Absolutely. Oh, stop hard murked you. I don't mind that. That was a great, it was a great. It was a great response.

Great response. Out of interest, which newspaper would have gone big on you? At the time, Son and the Mirror would have been... I think it would have been Skinner Tabloid, Stop Hard Broadsheet. Am I right?

Yeah. The Guardian would have been... It's devastating news to you. Yeah, that would have been Three Lions comic also perishes. Oh, God. Yeah, that would have been three lines, comic also perishes. Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah, but it didn't happen.

We got away with it. It's fine. So, yes, Okorowicz. It really smashes up this fun. Sorry. I had a less complicated conversation on the ferry to Robben Island with Mark Pugach. Oh, yes.

Thought there was less to discuss. Anyway. what else? Well, I do... I feel a bit jealous at the idea of smashing up a Blackberry, regardless of whose it is, because I think that must be a very satisfying feeling. And I've noticed... I've been watching a couple of sort of spy drama type things recently

you know when they snap like a phone and chuck it in the bin I get real envy of that I mean I'd love that you've got the chopping blocks I walked into my manager's office once

and he said about 12 swear words in about three seconds. Slam the phone down, landline phone, and the whole phone disintegrated. I mean, he slammed it down so hard. And he didn't know I was there, I was just walking in.

He's like, and the phone shattered. He looked up at me and said, Frank, I don't think you'll be doing 606 this week. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. Speaking of pranks, by the way, that we were just talking about with Rio Ferdinand,

this, me, the three of us went up to bed this week. Can I just say, not the three of us? No, not the three of us. Sorry, my family. I'd forgotten that. So Boz and Kath went into the bathroom to do stuff, clean their teeth and all that. And I got into Boz's, I went into Boz's room and Boz has got

a me cushion which somebody sent me, which is a cushion with my face on it. Nice. So I got into his bed and put the cushion over my face so I've got like a younger me was in the bed. And then they messed about in there for ages and I thought, I don't want to take the cushion off because if they come in and the cushion's not on, they're just...

And I was honestly beginning to have difficulty breathing. And I had a sort of flash forward of someone at my funeral saying, well, it's how he would have wanted to go, though, during a prank. Hanging around for the prank. He would rather have died. So I sympathise with Rio and his prankster status.

In other mobile phone news, apparently the Brits are hoarding old gadgets and keeping mobile phones just in drawers when they could be worth money and they could be used for stuff. I don't know what we're going to do about this, but I'm definitely

guilty of it. I don't know what we're going to do about this, but I'm definitely guilty of it. Are you? I saw this. 55 million mobile phones currently lying in drawers, Frank. Well, I've got... In fact, I'm going to put a... Frank's got 54 million of those. I'm going to put a photo...

No, that's doubloons he's got. I'm going to put a photo on social media of my drawer, one of my drawers at home. Can I say, imagine if I said that. Yes. And there is tech in it, a variant, there's lots of leads, charges, I don't know what any of it is.

But I mean, I took a close-up photo of it and I thought this could be in a gallery, this picture. Again, imagine if I said that. Yes, exactly. I'm humble of you. So we'll put it on, you should have a look at it. I'll give you an idea. And I just don't throw that stuff away.

I bet I've got half a dozen old phones. Well, I had a huge clear out recently. If there's any Derby County players who want an old phone, just for safety. Do you really keep all that stuff then? It's good to have a spare in case you get a moped attack. You can give them the old one. That's a good idea.

You can keep one of those Nokia 8310s, which can I say was a beautiful phone. Oh, good shout. Do you remember those? Oh, plain snake. What you want is... I don't think I've ever had one I've loved as much as that. You want a phone that you can set an explosive,

a timed explosive device on. I would say absolute radio, it's not... No, we don't approve of that, but... But, nevertheless... For your garden, minor explosions, not major. Yeah, but if somebody mugged you for your phone and you gave them the explosion oh that would be nice it'd be a lovely feeling someone tried to do that to me once and i have i yelled a series of very loud expletives directly in their face and uh they scar. And they scarpered. Thank you. Very good. I'm not saying it always works,

but I'm just saying sometimes. No, it didn't work for Ravel. No, but I... What they suggested, I think, is that you give the money to charity, the ones from your... Go through your drawers, get the old phones. Of course.

Well, you have to get them recycled, don't you? I don't see why. If the government's going to stop giving money to charity, I don't see why they should be encouraging us to carry on. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What we need to invent is some kind of gadget that requires old mobile phones. So I passed a high street shop the other day, closed of course,

and they were boasting that their puffer jackets were made from old plastic bottles. Oh yes, yes. So what we need is some kind of gadget that requires kind of blocks of mobile phone. You pop it in and it starts your toaster working or something. You know, like, it gets a bit Wallace and Gromit in my mind. It's going through a tube and down and then the phone presses a button and then you've got a cup of coffee by the time you get downstairs.

That's what I'm after. Well, I got an iPhone. If there's any inventors listening, give a shout. There will be. I think Wilfred Makepeace Lon. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's one of my faves.

I got an iPhone 12 this week on the upgrade. Did you? Oh, I'm about to get one. God, you guys. I might examine your handset. Can I have a look? It's too big. Let's have a look.

Is it heavy? Yeah, it's like being a stone mace. I can recommend some exercises to prepare you for picking up. Did you go 12 then? I'll be looking at your wares later. Well, you know, they keep saying it's that one. We talked about it ages ago on here because it's got three camera lenses. Oh, the tryptophobes.

Yeah, and some people don't like that. Oh, I don't like the look of that. But you've got one. I've got one, yeah. I think that's heavy. Wait till you do some cooking with a Le Creuset pan. I can't wait that long. Do you know how long it takes me to wash those up?

What is a Le Creuset pan? You've seen them. Backbreaking. They're the ones, they're traditionally, they look almost like, I'd say the orange casserole dish is what you'd associate them with. The classic orange, the burnt orange. Good shout.

You know what I mean? Really good shout. Good for burglars, though, if you think. Oh, yeah, if you can swing it. I have a dusty pink one given to me by Catherine Ryan. I've heard that. Yes. Catherine, sorry to involve you in this, please.

I've always assumed that if you sell your old phone, that somebody will have the technology to retrieve the deleted data and then blackmail you over a period of time. You're absolutely right. No, thanks, but what have you got to blackmail with? So it's better in a drawer. Poetry updates that never came. Exactly.

Doctor Who, Planet of Celadon update. I mean oh yeah the sun's going to be desperate to get hold of those. Pictures of John Pertwee. It's just the principle of the thing. It's a good point. What about my Wendy Richard gallery?

You know what I mean mean I don't think people are buying them for the right rate they'll end up in the drugs industry in some way yeah do we want to be

part of that no I'd rather have a gadget that started the DVD player I'd rather leave it in the drawer than have it be

someone coming across thanks I've got a burner phone there's some old pictures of Sylvester McCoy I can't remove them

there actually are some on my phone just looking over some blueprints a few inventors have sent in. Oh, yeah. Anything good? There's something that starts the microwave off,

but I think you have to preload it with some food, so I'm not up for it. Anyway, we've had some responses to, I believe a photo of your drawers has been put up on social media. All sorts of reviews, ranging from the one to five star. You've had them all. The full set? I got that without play.

I wrote it in Edinburgh. 24 hours. Some people, it takes some time to catch up with genius, I find. Doctor, and it was genius, Doctor Tom Hunt. Oh, yeah. Organised chaos.

Nice. I can get on board with you doctor something you said a few times right uh daniel i like daniel he just says standard okay standard standard yes it's uh it's a crowded drawer of wire and stuff i need to. A lot of people. And then Chris Holton says he's gone power mad. Oh, that's fine. Yes. I've got two camcorders as well. Oh. I mean, what happened to,

who uses those anymore? They are very old school. And I've got the first ever MP3 player I ever bought. It's this little plastic thing. When MP3 sounded like space travel and I loaded onto it a Serge Gainsbourg album called A Gainsbourg

De Gains Bar and when I loaded it on it said I think two tracks from the end it said full and so I carried that thing around and all I listened to was this one album. That was all I ever listened to on it, was the thing. And then other things happened.

But I've kept it. Well, you know what I found in my drawers? I had a massive clear out recently, but it's funny what you can't bear to part with. For example, two tins of commemorative Wimbledon mints, which I got with you, Frank Skinner. I remember. I ate mine, I must say. Of course you did. When we sat with AJ, do you remember?

We did, yeah. Anthony Joshua. I can't bear, that was such a lovely memory. I've hung on to those mints. That's nice. I've got two tins of Wimbledon mints. I've't... It's such a lovely memory. I've hung on to those mints. That's nice. I've got two tins of Wimbledon mints. I've got a plastic cork. Mm-hmm.

Some beef mints. Do you have a plastic cork? Oh, very good. 8, 12, 15. No, I don't think you can. I remember once on a train saying... What is it? I said to the woman on the trolley,

I said, have you got plastic glass? I said, I realise that's a contradiction in terms. And she looked at me as if I'd said, would you like to look down my trousers? I mean, I... May as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb sometime. Well, I decided I'd stick with the lamb. Always stick with the lamb.

Yeah. A plastic stopper, I think, is a better... Yeah. There was a brass doorknob in there. I thought you were going to say a brassier for a minute. I felt... I've had so flushed an experience. A brass doorknob in your drawer.

I can't bring myself to throw it out. And three Boss Baby napkins. Boss Baby? Yes. OK. Why not? Oh, I forgot Boss Baby. Oh, it's quite good, I think.

There's a series as well. Jonathan Ross is a massive fan of Boss Baby. Oh, by the way, you know... He records it and everything. He's obsessed by it. Oh, interesting. Do you remember we were talking about Brute 33? Yes.

The great smell of Brute. Do you remember the strap line for the Christmas ad? Something about the 25th? I'll give it to you. Go on. Give Brute 33 on the 25th. Very good. Well.

Was it Barry Sheen? Henry Cooper? Henry Cooper. This week, Barry Sheen did do it, though, as well. And I noticed this week I saw an advert for Brute. They've obviously gone back to the strong stuff. They don't water it down by two-thirds anymore, which is what Brute 33 was.

And who was advertising Brute? David Baddiel. Vinnie Jones. Oh, yeah. So they've kept up the sort of London... Hard man. London hard man thing. A Brute, if you will.

I wish they'd gone David Baddiel. Brute 33 on the 25th. Oh, I'd have loved that. That might have been... I'd get some. That would have been very fine. Did you know that it was brute that Roger Moore... You remember when Roger Moore flamed...

When he flamethrowed the... What? He flamethrowed the... Any? He flamethrowed the... Any mention of him makes me laugh, and you know why, Frank. Yes, I won't tell that again, but my Roger Moore story. Yeah, when he flamethrows the tarantula... That was Roger Moore, wasn't it, rather than Sean Connery, I think. I think so.

That's brute, so here you go. Oh, dear. Brute alert here on Absolute go. Oh, dear. Brute alert! See you on Absolute Radio. It's all the other... Another reason not to steal Frank Skinner's mobile phone. Yeah. All the other smelly stuff that we advertise, I know that people pay to advertise,

they're going to be fattened up saying, how come Brute gets advertised for nothing? I'm sorry, everyone. It's a nice way to end the show. Yeah. Brute would probably I can't just even voice them

anyway thanks for listening to us patchy I know but at times brilliant and you know what if the good lord

spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now at least until

Tuesday Wednesday stay in next week. Now at least until Tuesday, Wednesday stay in.