The Frank Skinner Show - Miss-mas Card List

Episode Date: November 30, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has an improvement to make on the Chocolate Orange and has had a meagre meal on tour. The team also discuss Chelsea’s fines, outdoor laundrettes and have questions about Christmas trees.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Them's your options. Morning, boys. Good to be back. Welcome. Yes, welcome back.

In fact, it's the first time we've had the A team together for about three weeks, isn't it? Lovely. What's my role in that? I see myself as BA. I'll be honest. Although I like a plane. Do you fly the flag?

No. Well, he doesn't, does he, B.A. Baracus? Because obviously we know he's not a fan of aviation. That was Mr. T, was he? Yeah, B.A. Baracus, yeah. I've never seen The A-Team. Al, you strike me very much as a little boy in his pyjamas watching The A-Team. Big fan.

I knew you would be. I was a big fan. I was an older boy lying in his own urine when the A-Team. Big fan. I knew you would be. I was a big fan. I was an older boy lying in his own urine in the gutter when the A-Team was on. Early. So I started early on a Saturday. Yeah, that's why I never saw it. Never saw Starsky and Hotch.

Right. Well, this is a nice list to make. Things I never saw because I was out cold from alcohol. Yes, it is. Alcoholic absenteeism. It's the opening link of the show. Love it. I'm sorry.

How do you like, I'm sorry? I don't believe it. No, we've gone too early on the darkness. I like it. Say that to Justin Hawkins. Yeah.

He's still around, actually. Is he? Yeah, because I'm, you know, I'm touring at the Mini, and I like to read a brochure when I go to a theatre. Oh, yes. And he's part of a sort of a retro package show that's going around. Lovely.

I don't know if you remember, but he certainly had a retro. Yes. Yeah, so he's still at it, Justin Hawking. Let me think how I can put this in a way. No, still at it. How's the... Let me think how I can put this in a way... No, I can't. How's the hair? It looks exactly the same to me. I think it's very important

with celebrities of all kinds that if you're not still right out there, and I speak as a man with a foot in both camps here, you've got to look exactly like you used to look otherwise no one will know who you are

so people hold on to looks that look for much longer than a lot of people Willie Thorne always the snooker player

is the one I think of with the black moustache yes so yeah I think if Justin Hawkins has his hair cut

no one's going to spot him Okay That's my view He had a lovely voice and God bless him It's a good theory, I like your theory because there are certain people that go from the ponytail to being normal sort of civilian

members of society but they're often sports people But you're right, I mean Mariah never changed normal sort of civilian members of society, but they're often sports people. They're invisible. But you're right, I mean, Mariah never changed. Well, I told you, didn't I? I did a short film with David Baddiel in which we recreated something that happened to us in the 90s. So I was playing me in the 90s,

so I made my hair look more or less like it did in the 90s. It was a bit more sort of Ravers Bob. Yeah, and it was... And obviously I had clothes left from the 90s, which I hadn't worn for a bit, you know. I think it might have been the Planet Hollywood leather varsity jacket. Yeah. So I put those... I got dressed like that,

and I thought, well, I'll just put it on. And I lived very near... This is when I lived on the river. I could walk to London Studios. So I walked out. I've never been recognised by so many people since the 90s. So it does work. I basically went to a fancy dress party as me. To a 90s party, yeah.

I also like the notion of you living on the river, like Wind in the Willows. Messing about with Ratty. But I could walk to what was then one of the main studios in London in about 15 minutes, which is always nice to arrive on foot when everyone else is... You just mentioned David Baddiel, and that's reminded me, I don't know if he's listening, if not, this is a waste because I was at my male groomers yesterday, my dog groomers

he's a gay gentleman and I was looking through my Instagram to show him pictures of Ray's hair, we have to look through to say how do you want it, what style Ray's Emily's dog for new readers starting here, not Reardon so he looked through and he said What style? Ray's Emily's dog for new readers starting here. Not Reardon.

So he looked through and he said, he's Irish, I won't do the accent because I'll get robbed, but he said, is that David Baddiel in that picture? Because it was me, David and Ray. Yeah. And you said, no, that's Ray. We just put glasses on him for like a joke. I said, yes. He went, God, he's hot. Oh.

I mean, this man is, I would say, 24. Absolutely stunning. How long have you had that for? Oh, right. I know that David is very happily attached. Yeah. But he was, he said it. I mean, he said, God, he's hot.

He looks incredible. Oh, that's nice. He's so handsome. He God, he looks incredible. That's nice. He's so handsome. He said he's fit. I mean I imagine a dog groomer gets a twisted view of how a human being should look.

But even so, I think we should take our compliments where we can get them. Hot for deal. Yeah, what about if Dave heard this and thought, I'm going to investigate, just, you know, got a dog from Battersea just to take it there for the day

and then left it tied by the side of an A road. And they started a relationship and that was like a life-changing thing, just this little bit of gossip. Wouldn't that be incredible? Then we could get back together and, you know, I'd interview him and say, well, it's all funny, isn't it, you two?

Because they're married now. And they got the dog back as a sort of a thing to shout, as a remorse thing. And I said, it's great that you two got together and it's all because of that story. I think that would be lovely. It would be lovely for Moana and his partner as well. David would have his hair pulled up on top of his head

but with a ribbon on it. I've done my Friday night troll, you know, where I sort of scroll through some emails that we might have received on a Friday evening. Because if not, they're just wasted. They get caught. No, that'd be wrong. And we've had uh our old friend

the eureka moment popped back into someone's life um we should say eureka moment is when you realize something that most other people knew for years and it just finally dawns on you this thing it's not a sort of sven goran erickson reference to when everything collapsed in your life. No, no. The example I always give is that Maureen Littman used to play BT in the BT adverts, and I never put together that she was called BT because it was a BT advert, that kind of thing. I realised five years later. So.

Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, of thing i realized five years later so dear frank emily and alan we were recently doing a walk in northumberland starting from bamburgh castle this sounds right up your street doesn't it i was in bamburgh castle a couple of weeks ago when my husband my husband had a eureka moment he was reading out the directions and said walk down to the Sandy Shore. Hang on a minute! For he had just realised the significance on Sandy Shore's name. Yes. Brilliant. Yeah, we should say, for younger members,

Sandy Shore was a 60s pop singer who was called Sandy Shore. Yes. But it didn't seem to me a big stretch I don't mean the show I mean not to get that Sandy Shore is a reference to a Sandy Shore is going they continue on the subject of

oxo cubes which we were discussing nibbling and some people crumbling onto oranges recently you may recall Al I bought a packet recently just because Frank had given me the taste for them again. Ah, yes. Well, I had a Terry's chocolate orange,

or I had a segment last week. And it occurred to me none of the other fruits have got that treatment, to my knowledge. Good point. Terry's never said, this has been quite a success. What about a banana? You're right.

I would like a Terry's chocolate banana. Yeah, I think that would be good. I prefer it. Every time I have a Terry's chocolate orange, which is not often, not because I don't like them, I don't think, I wouldn't go into a shop and get one just to eat walking down the street. It would seem wrong. Five a day. I always, I wouldn't go into a shop and get one just to eat walking down the street. It would seem wrong.

Five a day. I always, I'm impressed. They're always a little bit more orangey than I remember them. I mean, it's profoundly orange, really. I don't like them. You don't like them? I'm a tough crowd on those. I think it's, I don't know, I think it might be amongst the king of chocolate.

Up there with After Eights for a classic. I'll tell you what I would like. I love an After Eight. So do I. If I would bring out limited edition Terry's chocolate orange with M&M, you know the M&M, the enameling on an M&M? Yeah. I'd have little white enameled pips in the Terry's chocolate orange.

And then I'd want some sort of, I think, famous Terry's. I'd love a Wogan or a John Terry special. Yeah. And then you'd choose which one you like, maybe. Do you think the technology exists now for them to go for other orange, like the Terry's Chocolate Satsuma or... Yeah, easy peeler. ...comquot?

I believe... Silver Papers are fairly easy peeler. There is... What about... I believe you, so I think... If I was very rich... And Frank. If I was very rich... And pause. If I was very rich...

Do you want to deal with this or shall I? What I'd like, because especially... You know when people eat, like, you know, they eat Peloponnesian starlings and stuff like that, because I would live on just on... There's a sort of central stalk on a Terry's chocolate orange. Yes. Just on those.

A plate of those. I mean, really expensive. Throw the segments away. Or give them to the poor. But just have a plate of those central segments. That would be lovely. I see three houseboys in white gloves. That's their job

the Terry's chocolate orange separator yeah exactly stalk removers just because if anyone breaks a stalk

they're fired they answer the phone they go hello Frank Skinner stalk remover that's literally their job oh the indulgence

of that so I think you're in the middle of something Al we've got a first moment we'll come back to it can you bookmark that?

Yeah, easily. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I just had a little closure on this email where they've realised that Sandy Shaw meant Sandy Shaw, and then they were saying that OxoCubes, excuse me, on the subject of OxoCubes, I remember when Twiglets were about five inches long, they were long that Oxo cubes, excuse me, on the subject of Oxo cubes, I remember when Twiglets were about five inches long.

They were long, weren't they? And came in cardboard boxes. They could be mistaken for Terry's chocolate orange stalk in bad light. Oh, yeah. A thick one that came out a bit wrong on the old factory. It's not really a stalk. It's more of a spine, isn't it? Anyway, yeah, you're right, they were more robust. They claim when you, they came in cardboard boxes, when you'd eaten them you could get

all the marmite-y bits out of the corners of the box with your finger, which was nearly as good as eating oxo cubes. And a bit of cardboard dust as well, just to thicken it up. This is the calibre of our audience well I like it can I tell you what the stalk is I do forgive me I've forgotten what they're called they're not batons but what they use in the

marching parades they toss up in the air they are batons they're very thin the stalk ok it'd be good you know those matchstick puzzles when you have to move one match and make

three triangles. It'd be good to play those with a Terry's Chocolate Orange spines and then the first person to do it gets to eat the spines. That's a nice Christmas game. Or just eat one. Because that's one of the mistakes that Terry's Chocolate Orange publicists...

John Terry's. I think they've allowed it to become a sort of a festive thing. And there's no need... It's not like people only eat oranges at Christmas. If they brought out a chocolate turkey, you can understand why that would happen. Totally. Frank, we've just had a missive in from 878.

He just wanted to say hello. He's the financial journalist you met yesterday by the lift. Yes. We should say Frank's not involved in some insider dealing scandal. No. But he was in the news building in News UK and he said he had a lovely conversation with you. I asked him about

Brexit basically because I thought he's a financial journalist. He'll have some insights. He said please tell Frank I did manage to get tickets for his show after all. So there you go. You've made a sale. Well there you go. Financial journalist. He's got contacts. He's a very nice chap he's very

nice about the radio show obviously i can't quote you that would be breaking our code okay yeah i like a lift conversation i'm on easy in a lift when no one's speaking and we're looking you know when i'm in a tube in in in uh in london um for you um uh for people listening outside of London, which is, I should think, most people, I don't know. Anyway, the tube stations have got big lifts in them where you go up and down, and there's very little conversation in those. Nor Edmunds style.

Yeah, no-one really chats in those. Oh, you never talk in a lift? You mean in a building lift, you like a chat? I like to chat in a lift. You mean in a building lift. You like a chat. I like to chat in a lift. Do you? Yeah. Psychotic. You got an opener?

Do you always start with the hovercraft or something? I often say things like... Sir, round tea bags. I'll say, was that the snapping of cable? I've said that in lifts. Oh, that is so frank, isn't it? That is so frank. Just to be light-hearted that in lifts. Oh, that is so frank, isn't it? That is so frank. Just to be light-hearted, you know.

Yeah, that's a lot. But, yeah, I think we should make an effort more, maybe, in this divided country of ours to talk more in lifts. Do you know what I do in lifts? Well, you're going to hear. Yeah. When I enter a lift late, you know when the doors just open? I walk in and I immediately say, the more people the better.

In fact, I did it the other day. I say, sorry, I'm one of those nightmare people that you were hoping the doors would shut on. Oh, that's a good help there. And then I feel, I look at the faces and I think the ones who laugh, you're on my side. Yeah. I'll sometimes come in as if I've been called in like Red Adair when one of the oil rigs was on fire, was called in to rescue. I'll walk in and I'll put my hand between a crowd of people to press the close doors thing so we can just hurry things up a bit, guys. You know, the situation is now in my hands.

Oh, have you got any lift etiquette or behaviour tips? 8.12.15. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. There's a wonderful missive from 036. Mm-hm. As a fully paid-up member of the poor, I would like to apply for some of Big Daddy's Terry's Chocolate Orange segment cast-offs. Yeah, I'll put that in a segment carton.

I wonder if I can have some of the wrappers as well to insulate my cardboard box. Oh, no. Prisoner 036. I'm sorry, I'll be using those to buy Labrador's for the blind. Do they still do that? When I was a kid, silver paper all went for dogs for the blind. That was what they did. I have no idea what they did with that silver paper.

I don't believe that's still a thing. Can I ask you both a question? You all know it's two people who didn't forget to have offspring. I didn't forget to have offspring. Do children still take tin cans in on harvest day and perform songs in front of hay bales? I don't know. There used to be those loaves, those plaited loaves that you used to get for the harvest festival.

The harvest was huge in my day. Yes. I mean, mine might, but I drift off when they're talking to me, so I'm not really sure what they... Yes, I mean, mine might, but I drift off when they're talking to me, so I'm not really sure what they... Yes, I respect that. I'm not aware of a harvest festival at Boz's school. But don't you think, Frank, it's like, you know, we talk about how the celebrity horse is now a thing of the past. Horses were very red carpet back in the day.

Yeah. The harvest festival, not what it was. No, I wonder if that's because... You'd think the pagan thing is due for a comeback. You'd think. Yeah. I've rejected the more orthodox strains of religion. You'd think that...

Well, it sort of fits in with the New Age thing. Oh, yeah. And the spirit of the sapling and stuff like that. So, yeah, stick around for that one. 8, 12, 15 for any pagan text-ins. No, we don't get... I mean, I've met some lovely pagans. You don't want me to verbalise them on.

And pluck your eyebrows. No, that's the green man. He always looks like that. That's Branch. Oh, Mick Hocknell was telling me. Extraordinary beginning to an anecdote. He'd seen an outdoor laundrette. I'd never knew such a thing existed.

He said, I was driving down the road. I think he was being driven. And he said I was aware. He might drive self. He said I was aware, He might drive self. He said I was aware, of these enormous, washing machines, just outside,

and people sitting. Oh yeah, yeah. Oh you've seen them too. Oh you know. Well he lives in Manchester, so the reason I bring you up, is I thought,

Just down the road from me. I thought it might be a Manchester, Probably neighbours, me and, Oh you could be friends, that'd be a nice friend for you. Me and Hucknall. Yeah. Yeah if he's listening, I'm happy to chat through.

Oh, we've had David Baddiel and my dog groomer and you and Hucknall. I like the idea of being able to have a nice smoke while you're watching your walking cart around. That's good, though, that, isn't it? It's just a lovely, relaxing thing. It's almost like, how can I describe it? You know, like a service station where you stop for fuel

and perhaps a sandwich and a coffee. He said it was next to a service station, because when I said to him, that means everyone could smoke, and he said, well, it's quite close to the service, the fuel pumps. Can I ask a question? What the hell is going on? Yeah, yeah, what are we talking about? Yeah, so the washing machines are in the middle of the street. What is going on? Yeah, yeah, what are we talking about? Yeah, so the washing machines are in the middle of the street.

What's going on? I think the ones I'm thinking of are kind of up against a wall at the side of... I mean, they're almost like drive-in. Like, you drive past it, stop, put your washing in. I've never used it. I've got my own washing machine. I don't like to brag on the show.

Hang on, I wouldn't trust you. I'm a pretty high-achieving guy over here. I don't want any Tom, Dick or Harry to be watching... Seeing your smalls in the car park. Oh, that's the other thing. That you're going to get lines of middle-aged men just standing watching underwear go around. Yeah.

I think so. I hadn't thought of that. Okay. No, Hucknall. Nice idea, but you haven't thought it through. I don't think he's got shares in it. He was a witness rather than an instigator. I've got to speak up for Mick Hocknell in this.

Me too, now he's been appointed my friend in this show. Now you've found out who lives in the same postcode. I like the idea that in summer you could do a white swash and sunbathe at the same time, and at the end of it you could put white clothes on to show your tan off. That's a great idea. It's making sense to me the Laundrette.

If you've got any alfresco Laundrette experiences at 12, 15. You may recall that, I suppose it's been about two years ago now, I lost quite a lot of weight and got, like, super slim. Yeah, when you were on your regime. Yeah, I was on a regime. You became a thinspiration.

I did. And I, which is often quite a bad thing, can I say. But on this tour, I have developed very much a tour belly. There's me and Omar, my tour manager, and Pierre, my support actor. We've just started eating. I mean, Pierre will stop the car for Bill Tong, if he sees built on somewhere and we've really and it came to we've we've all we've all put away that's a food yes not a passing traveler

picking up men it's all gonna be bill tong as they say in south africa south african males so um we African males. So, I think we've all put weight on. And I think we got an all-time low when we was in Azilis in Exeter. Is that still going? Yeah. And I think it was Azilis anyway. And we complained about the portions not being big enough. We actually, yeah, we made a big, and yeah. That's so humiliating.

Who was the spokesperson, let me guess? No, it wasn't me, really. It was very much, I mean, Omar really did say, Omar has gone online about the portions, didn't he? And I said, this is what's happened to us now. We've become such pigs. We've gone to... What's a great thing, afterwards we were at a Christmas market

and they were all disgusted at these portions, eating fudge. You know what? I'm going to ask you about the exact location off-air of this place and I'm going to look this up and complain. Read the reviews. You're on forums now, Frank. I mean, you know, we had a difficult... Because I said, first of all, I asked for a pizza

and I said I only ever have pizza... I didn't tell him this, but I only eat pizza with anchovies for me if it doesn't have an anchovy it's not a pizza which interestingly one of the characters from Futurama I remember saying exactly that and thinking oh it's not just me there

I thought you meant that you heard it on Futurama and then adopted it I'm not saying they took it from me it was just some two parallel if you think they took it from rule I'm not saying they took it from me it was just some two parallel if you think they took it from you I don't think they took it from me they generally did Futurama

I know who you are who's stolen some of my questions my dad always believed that he'd written the tune to Winter Wonderland and that people had overheard him he wrote as a kid, it was called You Can Be So Happy If You Try. You can be so happy if you try.

He said he wrote that. But you see, there's the Terry's Chocolate Orange moment. If they'd have gone with my dad's lyric, it wouldn't be a seasonal song and they could use it all the year round. Good point. Tell me what, so hang on. I want to know more about the...

Yeah, as they say on podcasts, there's a lot to unpack here. Now where were we? He was telling us about something. Oh yeah, so I asked about that and he said,

no, we don't, we don't, it says we're very authentic. Anchovies on the pizza. We're authentic Italian restaurant. He said anchovies is an American thing.

Is it? Well, I didn't know that but I mean, I took it as... Have you done any research did he say what my father said when he was asked by a bouncer got an invite and my father said the word invite is an american corruption no but um i well i i mean i didn't know that um obviously i didn't have a pizza because they hadn't got one with anchovies. They didn't have an additional topping option.

So what did you order? So I went for the, what's it called? The sort of creamy bacon. Of course you did. Yes. Carbonara. I went for a carbonara. But as I said to the man, you could have brought it on a spoon.

Why dirty a plate? You didn't. Waspish in his feedback. Yes. The greed to the man, you could have brought it on a spoon. Why dirtier plate? You didn't. Waspish in his feedback. Yes. The greed of the man. So, yeah, we were, I mean, we were like animals. This is Rob. And Omar had something else.

But again, much too small for him. He was furious. And the fact that we stood eating, I was eating sea salt fudge at the Christmas fair. So it was absolutely, I mean, if it's a main course, it's a main course.

They had marmite fudge for sale at the store, which turned out to be quite divisive. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absol Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215,

follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You have been making contact, I think. They have, yeah. Sometimes you get a text in that's just got a nice turn of phrase. And 262 has answered our... I mean, it's a bit of an odd text in.

Do outdoor washing machine places, outdoor laundrettes, I suppose you could call it, do they really exist? Well, no, can I say I'm not questioning the Hocknallian truth Oh okay If someone can tell us a bit more because Mick Hocknall had just

spotted one from a car window he didn't have the inside Mick Hocknall can't go to an outside He doesn't wash his own stage clothes at an outdoor lawn do you know what I like it'd be great though if you put in a pair

of red pants with the white swash and it all went simply right I mean that'd be very good amazing the producer

audibly groans I mean I don't know if that's allowed it's been nice knowing her has it yes no it has Frank also

you know what I like, Al? I just like to say, the way Frank's talking about Mick, I like it. It's like they're two mates in the pub. He's saying, hey, Mick, do you know about those washing machines? I'll tell you what happened. I did Zoe Ball's radio show about three weeks ago and Mick Hocknall was on there doing a live session.

I bet he's good live, Mick. He's got the voice, I tell you. Oh, he's still got it? And then I did Chris Evans' show yesterday and Mick Hocknell was on doing a live session so we've bonded. Yes. I'm a nice man for you. 262 has texted

there's one on a garage forecourt not far from Connersborough Castle shame you missed it when you were up here and then get this for a phrase a reet treat for us all to have seen Frank sat on a plastic chair waiting for the rinse and spin to finish. I love a reet treat. There's a Subway sandwich shop next to it,

so you could have kept topping up whilst waiting. I mean, yeah, well, exactly. Anyone else? This idea of his is fat, fat man on tour. Oh, wow. I'll say this. I've just opened a bar of chocolate that Emily bought me, which is black and burnt barley chocolate.

Wow. I'm only eating it for the alliteration. What's your one that I got you? Dark nibs and raspberry, which is also my online name. That's Frank's S&M community name. And I'll tell you what this is for, the greedy man, this chocolate. It's not in squares. I did bear you in mind.

I think the idea is that you take the whole bar down like a lozenge and then rinse it down like a lozenge and then rinse it down with a glass of water yeah it's good it's kind of crazy pain i've been given i've been given word of uh recent dietary events anyway i'm gonna have i'm never lovely i don't know how you break this is me breaking radio four players black and black and burn barley oh it broke do you know when i was in a Radio 4 play, I must have been about 11, I think, my first one. What was it? Oh, now you're asking.

I can remember, but you'll have to... Oh, it was called... I don't know if I should... Oh, I think I can say it. Is that what it was called? No, but it's slang for a swear word, so I want to check with you off, just because... Do you see?

Can you whisper to the producer oh okay i'm going to indicate it it's the name of someone and readers can guess from a european country where in fact chocolate is a big export no guessing no otherwise they will just guess okay not belgium another one okay cuckoo clocks as well. Oh, yes, I have it. And perhaps someone who works in the city. Is it Fanny by Gaslok? Okay. I don't know.

It's always better to have a guess than not to have a guess. You've got to be in it to win it. It's a good guess. Yes. Okay. I'll tell you what, we'll go to a break now. The fence has arrived. If they can guess has arrived I just don't want to say it because it's so

associated with a very famous bit of rhyming slang oh ok so we think cuckoo clocks and chocolate the second word

you think people that work in the city that deal with money or on high streets thank you good day oh I get it. Thank you very much.

Lovely quiz for people. Cuckoo clocks and chocolate always let me down. Roger Federer there with his new single. The boys have been tucking into the Icelandic chocolate I got them. How's it going there? I mean, Frank's tucking into everything right now. Quality control is pretty much out the window. I mean, I achieved so much with that diet.

It's all gone. It's quite strange, Frank, isn't it? You know when you used to go to Starbucks and you think, I might have that big bit of cake there with it as well. I mean, it's just... It's strange, but when I first had it, I thought, ooh, ooh, no. And then it grew on me about...

I'm about halfway through the bar now. Has it made... I've eaten some and it's black. Has it made our teeth a bit Les Miserables? No, it wasn't. Or I look like Kostech. I because it made our teeth a bit miserable. No, I wasn't. Or I looked like a cat. I didn't have to worry about that aspect. I use black toothpaste, actually. So do I.

Charcoal. You guys. Well, it was a bog off in the super drug. Who from the black country? I have a missive, which I love, 792. This is from Joe. We were talking about lifts. Joe Girl or Joe Boy?

Or Joe Boxer? Boxer B, I'll let you decide. Okay. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I once had an awkward moment in a lift with Harold Pinter when I was working at the Old Vic. Right. OK.

Harold Pinter's a well-known playwright. I said something, just to be friendly. There was a moment's silence. Well, there would be. And he replied, What? And I smiled to myself, thinking, I've had my very own Pinter pause.

Oh, lovely. That's from Joe. Well, a friend of mine had a very long affair with Harold Pinter. Yeah. Anyway, so I just, you know, just throwing in the Pinter. It's a Pinter moment. What else? It's hard pint at the moment. What else? It's getting hot in here.

Okay. We've all had a few. Yeah. Well, a few bars of chocolate in Frank's care. I think I won on the chocolate with my slightly lighter chocolate and raspberry. Did you like it? I didn't taste it. as Frank did of his. It's very odd.

That was your review. I'll tell you what, it was like I'd lined up, say, 20 Victorian kitchen women. I'd clean their fingernails and then eat that. But I'm still... That's when it first started, but I'm... Is it growing on you? It is growing on me. Do you know what? I think it's the chocolate equivalent

of my personality. Oh, I know. No, no. At first I grate. It takes a while. I would never say you are. Yes, go on. And then after a while you get used to it and you think better in than out. This is all right. Yeah, I can do all right with this.

Black and Burnt Barley, that sounds like some dystopian novel set on a dream holiday. I've read a lot of dystopian novels this year. I bet you have. Yes, you're very dystopian. This year. I think you've written four. You think you've written four? I wish.

I've lived several. We once had the best dystopian novels. We did. Which one did we go for? Because I had, well, Time, it was a toss-up for me. Very common dilemma between Time Machine and Brave New World. Well. I can't remember yours, Frank.

Mine was Cormac McCarthy's The Road. Oh, yes. Which is bleormac McCarthy's The Road. Oh, yes. Which is bleak. Okay. But brilliant. But let's not go back into this. No. We've talked about that before.

What's the point of repeating ourselves? I know we repeat ourselves sometimes, but you know, we just do it deliberately. Like, it's always good to be like that. Okay. He eats a lot of sugar these days. Yeah. OK. He eats a lot of sugar these days. Sorry. I accidentally switched the LBC feed.

I have a football news story to bring to your attention. Goodness. Yeah. It's about Frank Lampard, who's become a football manager in recent years. I haven't been taking that much interest, but he's... He's doing all right.

He's the manager at Chelsea. And it says here that he fines his players for various misdemeanours to keep them in check, if you'll forgive the pun. No. Demands £20,000 from them for being late to training. What was the pun? Check.

Oh, yeah. Check. Petter check. No, it could have been C-H-E-Q-U-E. Oh. Okay, I thought it was Petit. It's too complicated. It's all right, I'm not anti it.

The article then starts to use words like felony. Yes, that's a good one. Well, we should say as well... There's quite a lot of different sanctions for different misdemeanours, it seems, so he's put some thought into it, I must say. I remember a player telling me that when Tony Pulis first arrived at West Bromwich Albion,

that he said to the captain, he said, I'm asking you to keep an eye on this. He said, I'm going to find the person who turns up last for training. And the next day, the captain said to him they all turned up on time, he said I don't care who turned up last

he said I want to find them that's clever, that's a regime though isn't it, that seems unnecessary, despotic I have to say Frank is following in the footsteps i mean there may be others but arsene wenger the old arsenal boss how we forget in those days how dare you um he was a big fan of the fine. Ah. They were much more reasonable than Frank's. I think his was more,

it was about £100 for sort of laptops and phones in the medical rooms. He had £100 for inappropriate attire, I think. And then he chose, do you remember Per Mertzacker? Yeah. He was responsible for collecting the fines. Ah.

And Arsene said at the time... That makes him... That puts him in a difficulty situation. Do you know what I like? It's like a collaborator. Yeah, I don't like that. When Arsene was asked about it, he said, the Germans do well economically and we respect that.

Great response. That is a very fine response. But meanwhile, over with Frank. I mean, did you see the list, Frank? To use the second Frank. Did you see that list, Frank? Of the finds, of Frank's finds. It was full on.

90 minutes of training, 10k. That's if you miss 90 minutes. Is that right? No, that's if you're not there 90 minutes before. I do apologise. Oh, I see. 90 minutes. Wow.

I suppose they thought, what's a random period? 90 minutes, that rings a bell. Let's go for that. I mean, there are some that I don't think are that logical. There's a £1,000 fine for the wrong attire for match days, but I know I've not been following football that logical. There's a £1,000 fine for the wrong attire for match days, but I know I've not been following football that closely.

You turn up in the wrong kit. But they do get a kit, don't they? They get a kit. Yeah. Some striker in the goalie shirt or something. Yeah.

Like, what's the... Yeah, exactly, wearing a Tottenham shirt. Yeah. Oh, no, that would go down badly. What do you think of this, guys? He, Frank Lampard, also has £1,000.

What's the... Not rhyming slang, but what's the reference? You have like a monkey or you have like... What's £1,000? I don't know. Texting 8.14, I'd like to know. Phones going off during a team meeting or a meal, a grand. I think that...

I mean, there's something to me a bit swear box about this because a grand is so little to these players. I'm glad you added that caveat. Isn't it a bit jokey? Maybe. Also I can't believe that none of them have thought

to just put their phone permanently on silent. Surely. What I like is it puts them in the... Mine is. It puts them in the same Venn diagram as the Royal Shakespeare Company. I worked with an actor who said that you were fined for being late for rehearsals

at the Royal Shakespeare Company. Excellent. What I like is I suspect... Ten grand. The old manager, Maurizio Sari, I wonder if he had, if you forget to bring cigarette, £20,000

give up smoking instant dismissal well Patricia Hayes apparently was another old actress and she came up with a terrible mouthful of profanity got angry in some rehearsal and then said you know I didn't swear until I'd

worked at the RSC. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We have some news in from Washington. Okay. This is from someone... Very important news. The best news.

Yeah. Terrible people. Terry, this is from Jen in Washington. OK. I'm presuming this is Washington County, Durham, is it? No. Oh. It's Washington...

Oh, possibly. I didn't... Oh, OK. I assumed it was the Washington... It's CD rather than DC. Yeah, very good. Terry started their chocolate fruit range with chocolate apples

and did lemons in the late 70s. Did they? Wow. I don't understand it either, but they did try other fruits. Wowee. There you go. I'd love it

Imagine trying one of those This has been somewhat corroborated in a text by 133 Who says my husband and I did the chocolate tour in York Yeah I like the fact they say that as if it's a thing we all know about in York Because there was another Terry Because they were called Terrys of York weren't they? Well

And there was a thing called Terry's All Gold, which is like a box of chocolate. All that time in York that you wasted on prehistory and then you realised you could have been stuffing your face on the chocolate tour in York. My favourite was the ad. Do you remember? The man would hand over a box of all gold to the lady,

always that way round, and the theme was, see the face you love, light up with Terry's all gold to the lady, always that way round. And the theme was, see the face you love, light up with Terry's. And their face would be bathed in a golden glow. Yeah, because it would be the reflection coming off the lid, I suppose. Oh, yeah.

What a tremendous idea. They did the chocolate tour and it's about the origins of Terry's and they actually started with a chocolate apple before settling on the orange. They had the chocolate apple packaging on display. So they weren't commercially available, the apple and the lemon?

I don't know. The lemon? Oh, they were prototypes. What happened at that meeting when someone said, what about chocolate lemon? The people would go for that, wouldn't they? I mean, I'm surprised they never went for the chocolate strawberry. Strawberry lends itself so well to the chocolate relationship.

I hope no one turned on just at that point. But you get the chocolate, you know, the dipped strawberry. Yeah, I've always felt that. Barry overrated that, though. I'll tell you what happens. Something happens to the chocolate on a dipped strawberry and it sort of loses its chocolate. Right.

That's what I think. I just think it's a bit... I don't like a chocolate strawberry. It's a bit what Alan Partridge thinks he should get on Valentine's Day. Well, it's from the same place as a fondue. It's got that kind of feel to it, I would say. OK, so meanwhile, over... Back at Chelsea.

Yes. We've had an answer to another question that you asked, which is, what is the rhyme in slang for £1,000? Oh, what is it? Some... Pony? Some wisecrackers have been texting saying it's a grand, but it's a bag of sand.

Oh, right, OK, lovely. I'd just like to know how, for i'd talk to danny dyer about this how you would oh i see you'd say if i want to charge in a bag of sand if you're 90 minutes late go blimey mary poppins yeah does he say go blimey i don't know that's dick van dyke i hope he doesn't um i don't know. No. That's Dick Van Dyke. I hope he doesn't. But it's a lot of money. I don't know what they would have done with it. I mean, do you remember at West Brom when four players went to a whole night, I think it was a KFC or something, McDonald's,

and then they sent the cab driver to get the food and they drove off in the taxi. Yeah. I mean, what would they... They got fined, I think it was £100,000 each. It's one of those weird crimes where they have to go into new territory for the taxi. I mean, what would they? They got fined, I think it was £100,000 each. It's one of those weird crimes where they have to go into new territory for the penalty. Yeah, I mean,

Frank Lampard's going to be going through the book going, no, I can't walk. You're right off the chart. Yeah, I think they got £100,000 each. There's an FA ruling, I think,

it's that no fine can be more than two weeks' wages. Oh, well, that's good to know. And, of course, as we know, football is perhaps the only place left where people talk about weekly wages. What I like is that there was a sort of... He'd used red font for the bit, like a bailiff's letter.

Oh, yeah. Which says, after all fines paid within 14 days, after which these will all be doubled. In caps and red font at the bottom. He means business. It's not messing. But you'd think on a weekly pay,

they could just take them out their wages. I want to know who's collecting them. Where does it go, the money? Does it go to charity? Yes, it does. I thought it would. Not directly to Frank Lampard. That tired old fallback. That's not allowed.

That's another thing that the FA have got involved in. I mean, I never saw Per actually take the money from Arsenal to the bank, in fairness. No. It said on the Per Mertz cycle, it said, this must be given to him in cash. A lot of questions about Per Mertz cycle tomorrow. It said in cash. What, they're giving him £1,000 in cash? It said on the pair of matzah cards, it said, this must be given to him in cash. It said in cash.

Were they giving him £1,000 in cash? It said on the sign, it said, because I remember seeing that, and it said, this must be handed to Per in cash. And then an asterisk. No later than 14 days. Used notes only. Sorry, are we back to... No, I was going back to Arsenal back in the day. Oh, yeah.

2012. Those were different times. Lots of cash was being handed over in football. I don't know how these players would pay, Frank, or whether... Al, is there a specific...? It won't be cash, I don't think. Maybe they just use Apple Pay.

Yeah. I don't know what would have happened. That's a lovely idea, Al. What would have happened to Fabian De Freitas? Fabian De Freitas played for West Brom and they had a game on Bank Holiday Monday, Easter Monday and he didn't turn up

they phoned his house, he hadn't got his phone on eventually his girlfriend phoned and said he's in bed, got a match tonight and they said no, it's this afternoon I think he got told off. Absolute Radio. I don't want to overdo these

outdoor laundrette textings that we're getting. I'm interested in it. But we have had quite a few that I've enjoyed. But this one has just arrived. 612. Hi Frank and the team. During the summer, we visited the Cotswolds and saw an outdoor laundrette there. It was at a petrol station,

and we did a double take when we saw it. We've never seen one before or since. I think the town was called Stonehouse. I just like the slightly E.T. vibe. Yeah, it is. It's the abominable snowman. Yes. Well, I'll tell It's the abominable snowman. Yes. Well, I'll tell you what it reminded me of.

It reminded me of the weighing machines outside chemists. Oh, yeah. That used to be chained up. They'd be physically chained so that no one... I mean, they were really heavy. I mean, had they had a spate of... Of weighing machine thefts. Yeah.

I don't quite understand. Or maybe they thought people would be so enraged by the results. They might set upon it. There was a lot of alfresco availability then because there was no 24-7 shops, really, in my childhood. There'd be things like chocolate vending machines in the streets, cigarette vending machines. At the station?

Yeah, if you need a cigarette at 3 o'clock in the morning you can go out and there's a vending machine. And the brilliant thing is the change, the coins in change would be inside the cellophane of the cigarette packet. No. I mean it's like a magic trick Mr

Holmes. Was there a little man in there? How did they do that? Quite difficult for them to enforce the age restriction on cigarettes in a vending machine. Almost like they did with Paris. They were less picky then about that. Someone, Lynn Arneson

has been in touch and is reminding us of the Terry's Neapolitans. about that. Someone, Lynn Arneson, has been in touch and is reminding us of the Terry's Neapolitans. Oh, of course. Do you remember those? I don't know what these are. Terry's branched out and there was mocha version

and the plain, which I was always very disappointed with. There was small mini chocolate bars. Okay, thank you, Lynn. Completely gone. So I'm thinking if I wake up at three o'clock in the morning and think I must know

how heavy I am I shall run to the chemist and those weighing machines are no longer available 24 hour weighing that's why there was no obesity crisis in our day just saying I got told off actually about North Eastern fact Wow. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I got told off, actually, about Northeastern Fact. I said Washington was in County Durham, but it was in County Durham, and I find the new county boundaries are put together by people in suits at City Hall. From a similar neck of the woods, Mick in Sunderland has pointed out, we have the outdoor washing machine at my local forecourt. I certainly wouldn't put my normal wash in.

Mine is used for the dog bed. I've seen people put horse stuff in and painters do their dust sheets. Oh. This is the trouble. The dog bed? If you democratise the washing machine, suddenly people take advantage.

Well, I'm all... Winston Churchill. It sounds like a great place to hang out, though. I think you'll meet all sorts, wouldn't you? By the way, I had to... I think the laundrette, I think, I really... I think it's very sad, and if anything, I would describe it almost as a tragedy

that I missed out on laundrette culture. Because I think I would have been one of those ladies who held her own in the laundrette. Don't think the sort of dot cotton yeah okay yeah i see myself in a lovely house coat yes well there's still time you could be one of the people that do the alfresco laundrette it's a new movement so cold in this country by the way i to go abroad. By the way, I had a call from Omar, my tour manager, about me talking about us complaining about the size of the portions.

And I thought it was him. I said it was in Zillies in Exeter. And I thought he was saying, I wish you hadn't said that on the radio and all this. In fact, he was saying it was actually ZZ. Let's get it right. Let's name names. So, yes, not Zillies.

I'm thinking of our old friend, Old O'Zillie. He would never give a small portion. Can I say, I love that about Omar. Yeah. His precision and... I'm choosing the right words to describe... What would you call it, Frank? Pernickety.

I'd call it a bitter grudge. Right, yeah. He's actually not only... He's sent three texts. They say... This is what they say. Z-Z's on Gandhi Street! Exeter.

Okay, let's close this place down, guys. I mean, it might have been a one-off. They might have been a bit low on carbonara and they had to make do with that. Omar is my kind of man. Either that or he's watched that Newsnight interview with a certain royal and decided that all eating out is a future alibi. Well, maybe. He certainly staked his claim early. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, it's not often I say this, but I think I've managed to find a potential challenger to take away your crown as king of bit of a git land. Ah. Oh, yes, I know this is going to be...

This is going to be a posthumous award. Yes. But I think you'll agree he's a very worthy recipient. I don't know if you came across this. A tweet went viral this week after a lady called... Was it Alex, based in Cardiff? She shared an old handwritten list that she'd found in her late grandfather's belongings.

And this is your chief rival, posthumously. Right. He was essentially, I mean, it was a list. It wasn't entitled presents or food shopping for Christmas. At the top, it had written in full caps, the detail I love most, Christmas cards not received. Now, there was a Jack, there was a Betty,

sometimes sort of surnames. I'm calling it the Cardiff 16, the people on the list. We all know who they are. No one was spared. He had three grandchildren, I think, on there. Yeah. And I really like this man. I presume this was from one year

when they hadn't sent a list of the cards. And he was upset. So do you think he was doing it so that he could keep hold of it next year to save money? Well, I'll be honest. I really respect his organisation. Yes. Because I...

It was also alphabetical. Was it? You see, I'm like one of those waiters who I don't write down the order. I memorise it. And every year when we go through the Christmas cards, I'm always saying, I don't think they sent us one last year.

I'm always looking for a loophole. So it does become reciprocal. Oh, totally. To me, it's like tennis. You hit the shot. If they don't hit it back, they lose. How many strikes are they out? Oh, no, just one.

That's delicious. Because I'm always, in an ideal world, I wouldn't send any at all. That's delicious. Because I'm always, in an ideal world, I wouldn't send any at all. Oh, that's my world. I'm having a slight eco-crisis about Christmas. Are you? I had a long phone call with Kath yesterday about what kind of Christmas tree was the best for the planet.

Well, I'm afraid it's artificial. Well, I'm not, no, apparently not. It depends on the type of artificial, not plastic. Well. We'll talk. There are trees that, what we went for, we're going to go for, there are people that bring a tree in a pot and then take it away and replant it. That's lovely.

But apparently they were all booked. So what are you going to do? Well, they do say, with the real trees, is that they're sort of bred to be chopped down. So what are you going to do? Well, they do say with the real trees, is that they're sort of bred to be chopped down. I mean, I don't know if the Lorax would take this as an argument. He's strict. And I put it on a big pile of Christmas trees and apparently they turn them into wood chippings and recyclable things.

When you say you put it on a big pile of Christmas trees, I think you'll find we put it. OK, but I'm not seeing... Because I was forced to drag it with him last year. I'm always part of the carrying posse. Yes, you are. And so I think we are going to go... But if anyone's got any tips on what is the most morally acceptable tree,

I'd love to... Moral texting. Yeah. Interesting. Interesting development. I've got an idea, Al. acceptable tree i'd love to i'd love the thing is moral texting yeah interesting interesting development i've got an idea i think if you have chill i think there should be a priority list so those with children children are they are first dibs on the trees but we haven't had a complication there can i say my son yes he's in his class he is the eco-warrior. So they have a meeting once a week when they talk about ecological topics.

So he has got standards to keep up. So he has made us, we feel that he's keeping an eye. It's a bit like when the Stasi got children to spy on their parents in East Germany. Getting them early, aren't they? So he's made us overzealous. Because we know we're not going back to school. And then he's on the Twitter feed. He's going to hand you guys over to Greta's mob. It's going to be awful.

I think it should be like the carpool system in America, which should be those, the child catcher type members of society like myself, as I refer to the child free, we should, we come over, we have specified days each week if we want to sample the delights of the tree, then we do. Do you see, share and share alike. You share and I like. Yes.

Okay. Well, Omar, who I'm getting a lot of mentions today, is very eco... Mention items? He's very eco-friendly. Is he? He was telling me he was thinking of

putting one on the wall made out of some sort of tape. I mean... Sounds nice. I don't know what's happening to Christmas. Well, like a picture of a tree. Yeah, like a picture of a tree.

Sorry, yeah. What is this? A police incident room? I don't know. Of a tree of a tree. Yeah, like a picture of a tree. Sorry, what is this, a police incident room? I don't know. Of a tree. I know. I think it's supposed to come from the wall a bit, like a bit 3D, it's supposed to stick out.

That's horrible. You could get four bits of card and make a tree. Didn't he used to work with Bernie Winters? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Leroy Boyce has got in touch Leroy don't know what that's about but enjoy it

Boyce as I like to call him I think of Leroy kids from fame oh yeah hi Divine Miss M Frank on the radio and I read this out because Leroy

I do apologise you have got in touch with me several times Frank on the radio recently and I read this out because, Leroy, I do apologise. You have got in touch with me several times. Frank on the radio recently said he'd read a book so good that he immediately read it again. Could you please ask him what it is as I really want to give it as a Christmas present? Thank you. That's a good idea. Over to you, Frank.

Can you remember this information? Me neither. Oh, what was it? No, I can't remember. Leroy, we will get back to you. I've been through a lot. Someone too, I'm reading. We don't want to know about that, right?

No, no, but you know, in the old days, now in hotel rooms, I tend to read. Was it the Gideon? It wasn't the Gideon. A lot of them, they don't have a Gideon now in the drawer. Can you believe that? Really?

Goodness me. That seems unfair that the calibre of hotel I'm in have got Bibles and the ones in your room haven't. Maybe it's the further up the... Now, I phone ahead and get Bibles put in the room to your stateroom. That's the sort of thing you do. Oh, I haven't given up on you, Alan.

Well, we're talking about British grandparents, so may I use my GP grandfather as a ramp from that anecdote back into the story we're discussing? Oh, yes, yes. He used to go down watering wine, my mother called him once, at my parents' dinner parties. Just need to make a note of something. And he would say, because he hated drunkards

he hated people getting drunk and he said and he was a doctor and he was very concerned about the health matters and he would water down people's wine without them realizing and my mother caught him and said this is salsa or whatever he said it's much better for them dear they don't know great well there's an old Peter Sellers story about when he was going around in rep and stuff, he used to stay at theatrical digs, and he stayed at one place, and he had a bottle of sherry,

which someone had given him, and he noticed that the sherry had gone down like a couple of inches in the bottle. Clearly, the landlady was trying it. And the next day, it went down a bit more, so he urinated in the bottle and topped it up. Next day, it went down a bit more so he urinated in the bottle and topped it up next day it went down a bit more urinated in it again, went down a bit more

and at the end of the week he said to her so did you enjoy my sherry by the way and she said oh I wasn't laughing, I was putting it in your trifle. Oh! Oh! Absolute radio doesn't condone any part of that story. No. Terrible prank.

So, yes, this grandad who... He's keeping a list of people that haven't... I think, you see, I think, wouldn't it be great to just, if we just all got, you know, we live in the age of social media. We can organise this. We could all say, let's not, let's just give up on Christmas cards altogether.

Clinton's, I think, has gone anyway. I know. And just, we don't need it. We can just send each other lovely, warm, individual emails saying, you know, I've really missed you this year. I think the problem is the idea of a lovely, warm email. It just jars a little bit. I don't know.

We've got to take a while to get organised. I've had a few warm emails in my time. Oh, dear. Then I found out it was Peter Sellers. Been topping them up every day. Sorry. I would say I favour the WhatsApp or the text. It's very anti-aging as a Christmas missive.

Because only the young send it. I've decided to follow their lead. Happy Xmas to you. Heart emoji, champagne glasses clinking emoji, send. That's a good idea. Jobs are good. I'm in my mid-40s, but I'm just gonna do snapchat for this year's christmas yeah i'm doing there's a new one what's the new app tiktok oh that's right oh tiktok that was what i thought i was referencing

yes i love i love tiktok what i love about tiktok is it's so easy to get on board with it. They've made it very simple, the whole thing. I mean, it's enormous in Southeast Asia. But yes, I'm a big fan of TikTok. I was winding mine up just this morning. No, but yes, and also they can move and you can have music on them. You could record videos for your friends. Hi.

All right, yeah. Hi, Steve. How are you doing? I do a traditional birthday message for Kath every year. You may be familiar with it. Have you ever seen them? I do a special video as a man. Oh, yeah, she loves those.

She prefers those. She forces them upon me. She loves those. A bit rude? Yeah, I think, yeah, let's start the campaign here. Yeah. Okay. Well done, Frank.

Thanks very much. I hope boss is listening. He might give me back those things. He's compounded. Is it compounded? Impounded? I think it it compounded? impounded? I think it's impounded impounded? rompounded? I'm going to give it thought

there's cards 8.12.15 Frank Skinner Absolute Radio we've been discussing this sorry we've been discussing this man who was found to have kept a list of people that hadn't sent him a Christmas card, a mistmas card list, if you will.

Lovely. Oh, very nice. I feel like I should be a headline writer when I come up with corkers like that. Well, I do. The scope. Yeah. Can I ask a question about this story?

The siblings and nephews and grandkids that were named on the list, was it cleared with them before the list was published? Good question. Interestingly, I have some updates on this. Oh. I think I'm forensic. I've gone Claire Danes

in the homeland, as you know I do. Do you want to be outed as the boy who Grandad never forgave? Well, interestingly,

the lady in question, I haven't given her surname, because she put it on Twitter, it went viral, and there were people named in full, 16 of them she's now taken her account offline

I just wonder if there might have been some family disagreements well there was a little bit of suspicion in the comments because somebody had said I was just clearing up some stuff recently

and I found an old letter from six years ago and it was way more aged than this list. And they started getting a bit Columbo about... A bit carbon dating. Why isn't this letter more yellow, ma'am? And they started saying, I'm not sure I believe it. Well, it's a bit people always say

that on the internet well there's an entire website isn't there that didn't happen of the year awards

where if someone says their child did something they post didn't happen there is a lot of that yeah but there's

a lot of people who things do happen but they don't have the intelligence to recognise their significance and so when other people talk about things happening they think that couldn't happen because Things do happen, but they don't have the intelligence to recognise their significance.

And so when other people talk about things happening, they think that couldn't happen because nothing ever happens to me. It does, but it's the other side of that fog, which you refer to as your consciousness. Sarah, would you be able to collect all that together into a transcript of it so I could send that to anyone who says didn't happen of the year. As far as I'm concerned, I never said that.

488 has texted you. 488 has texted you, Frank. Hi Frank, with you on Eco Christmas. Met you at the Cambridge Folk Festival in the Burger Q a few years ago. That'll be why you're with me on Eco Christmas. That was when the guy, I remember that,

because the guy at the counter, when I got up, he said, all right, Frank, we met before. He said, I sold you a corn on the cob at Gay Pride. I said, I don't... I don't think, don't remember that. I don't think don't remember that I sold you

a corn on the cob okay was that a euphemism I don't know what it was I mean honestly I don't eat corn

on the cob but I bought six no anyway oh for heaven's sake no it was it was a great what about our great pride

when we went into our lovely cafe and Frank said I don't feel we should be sitting here. This is your special day. Yeah, exactly. I didn't think we should be taking a seat that should... You know, exactly. We were, you know, step back.

It's not our day. Step back in time, Kylie Minogue. Yes, it was playing. Oh, it was, yes. Lovely. There you go. How did it go, step back in time? I can did it go step back in time i can sing it step back in time was it one of these was it one of these when she was going slightly off the boil

uh no it wasn't from the golden age was it of kylie oh i said it wasn't jesus it was just after it was a wonderful song okay okay I don't know if I want to sing the whole thing I've had enough

enough of hearts broken in a door that's what I like it's my favourite still where is she now this is Frank Skinner

this is Absolute Radio um we were talking about this lovable rogue, friend of the show. Late lovable rogue. Yes. LLR. Possible bit of a git,

the guy who kept a list of people who hadn't sent him a Christmas card. Do you think that's an age thing? Do you think there's a certain point where you start collecting that kind of data? But why should you send Christmas cards to people who don't send them to you? Why? Yeah. But why? Exactly.

You have no answer. But I do think at Christmas I do store away information in a slightly mean-spirited way, if I'm honest. That's what Christmas is for. Yes, splendid. For example, I know when I exchange emails with people and it happens to be, let's say, around this time, and I get a response saying, oh, it'll be lovely to see you soon.

I don't always mean it. One's got to say it. When you get a reply saying, yeah, well, I have to do something in the new year. Gone. Forget it. Yeah, of course I'm going to do something in the new year. But also...

Do you think it's too soon to be making new year arrangements? No. I don't like the way everyone uses the new year vagueness to hide behind. You don't want to see me, I don't want to see you. Let's call the whole thing. Forget it. Yeah. Okay.

It's just a sign-off. I'm just saying I'm guilty of it myself. I'll say we must meet up in the new year. Do you not see? I do, yeah. Yeah, I think the new year never comes. That's what we're saying. Can I point out that Zoflora, a company I've never heard of,

but I'm told by the producer, what was the word? Trendy. Trendy, have sent me a personalised disinfectant spray bottle. Oh, I love that. I'm jealous. And I'm very much a freebie magnet, but no one has ever sent me a personalised disinfectant bottle. Do you know why that is, Al?

What it must be like living your life. Oh, man. Do you know why no one sends him out? I'll be glad of that when the S&M community... Oh, Frank, you really ruined me. We found it for wounds. I thought they enjoyed the smell of the bleach. No, but it's, you know, you've got to keep it antiseptic.

Well, he doesn't need... Oh, it's gross. He doesn't need this because Kath once described you during your courtship period to me as Frank. It was something like spotlessly clean or immaculate. Very good, Al. She said, the thing I love about Frank is he's absolutely immaculate. It always reminds me of John Lennon in A Hard Day's Night,

saying he's a very clean old man about his granddad. Well, every morning I stand up in the sink and she robs me down with half a fire brick. Anyway, by the way, the next show we do is pre-recorded, I should tell you that. Oh, yeah. And when we do a pre-recorded show, we miss you, you, our readers, because obviously you're not texting in and doing stuff. So what we're going to try and do, if you've got any thoughts about anything interesting at all,

how do we make sure we get them? Email. Just to us. Sorry, I took over a bit of the producing job there. I don't want Dave Berry doing them on his breakfast show. Good point. Send them to us. Send them to us, and we'll try and...

And also, we can be on Instagram and Twitter and try and keep... Or tweet us. I always check the tweets. Keep it all alive. Let's try and do that with the pre-rec... When's the pre-record? Thursday. We're pre-recording Thursday.

This is your Martine McCutcheon moment. Exactly, this is your moment. What was the Andrew Lloyd Webber Eurovision song that was... My time, it's my time one of the worst things that ever happened and I include

both world wars no I don't I don't so look I don't it's a joke if the oh I've messed up

my ending bit that's awful I'm sorry I'm sorry everyone should we do that again Geoff live you say if the good Lord spares us and the cr, everyone. Should we do that again, Jeff? Live, you say?

If the good Lord spares us and the cricks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.