The Frank Skinner Show - Moggie’s Grub

Episode Date: July 23, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Pierre Novellie. This week Frank has made a mind-blowing discovery and has an update on knee-gate. The team also discuss an otter intruder, Emily’s trip to Brighton for the Euros and a letter Pierre was sent after a gig.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Nivelli. He's here today all the way from the Vilt. And you can text the show on the 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk good morning

to you both and to all our fabulous readers I like the way you said text us on the 8 12 15 I don't know why I said that it was a bit Chas and Dave do you know what I mean the old 8 1212-15.

Yeah, the 8-12-15. So I took the 8-12-15 and I came off at Luton and then took... Remember blokes, you said conversations. What you want to do is you want to come off

before then. You know the 8-1-2-3-8? Take that. And then don't go straight through, Sid Cup. Bare left. Look, leave me alone. bare left look leave me alone just leave me alone i actually like that kind of chest oh i can't cope with you i love a man who knows i was in a hotel bar once where a bloke says how long does it take to drive to edinburgh from london oh no and a

bloke said you can do it in a well what four hours which you can't you can't and a bloke said, you can do it in, what, four hours? Which you can't. You can't. And another bloke said, you can do it. I reckon you can do it in less than that. And the bloke said, with a stop. I'm talking about with a stop. No, you can't do it in that time.

What are you talking about? Anyway, welcome. Welcome. What's my big discovery of the week? You know when a thing happens and you think, oh, you know they say that every day is a school day. When you learn something and you thought, oh man, I've been wrong all my life about this and now I have at last seen the truth of it.

I was 100% convinced that a pine martin was a bird. I would have put 10 grand that a pine... Emily, I can see you were with me on that error. Am I right? A hundred percent. Really? Yeah. Oh, typical Pierre Wanda.

Of course, Pierre knows. He won't just know. He'll know everything about this thing yeah penis Martinus I wish I hadn't said that that was an accent

I think you can say that it's medical yeah you said it with a U I heard you pronounce the letter U very clearly exactly

it was Latin it was the most Latin thing I've ever said well obviously not the most Latin thing I've ever said say quite a not the most Latin thing I've ever said I say quite a lot on a Sunday morning I was going to say

Yes, a pine martin if someone said look there's a pine martin I'd have looked up not into the undergrowth As long as you didn't translate it from the Latin No, I'll never do that again I will never do that again, a will never do that again.

A pine martin can mind its own Latin business. What is a pine martin? Oh, I like that I don't know. I want to prolong the ignorance for a bit. Do you? I kind of do. Do you never get that? Well, I feel I'm slightly blowing its cover now.

It's a little furry animal. Stout-like. It sounds very up my strata. Yeah. Well, yes. I think one of its... Well, I know nothing about it other than it doesn't fly. I'm taking the facts one at a time.

Doesn't fly. Not a bird. Yeah. Gobsmacked. Absolute. Vogue said that we're worried... On the telly, this is how I found out. So we're worried doesn't fly not a bird yeah gobsmacked absolute a bloke said we're worried on the telly

this is how I found out so we're worried there's a the Pine Martin population has been has been reduced he said

but there's been signs just lately they're coming back and I thought well that's they're getting a lot of coverage plenty of other birds struggling

what are you thinking who's their PR yeah exactly yeah I don't see as many starlings in the garden there's plenty of other birds struggling. What, are you thinking, who's their PR? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I don't see as many starlings in the garden as I used to. Yeah. Anyway, I saw there was a documentary about it on PBS, which was Starling the Terror Years or something, so I don't know if that's what got rid of them.

was Starling the Terror Years or something, so I don't know if that's what got rid of them. But anyway, yeah, then a picture came up, and I thought, I can't even see the Pine Martin. There's some stoat in the way. The Pine Martin has been photobombed by a stoat. I mean, somebody should have checked this before they brought it up on the television. But no,

it is a furry animal. And I like the idea that the first link of the show has been established in that single fact. Yes. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. I just saw that Rishi Sunak's slogan is ready, ready to Rishi. Ready for Rishi. Let's get ready to Rishi. Let's get ready to Rishi. I hope he's going to sing, are you ready?

Are you ready for Rishi? And then all his supporters will go, yes, I am. And they would have that kind of accent. Yes. And I can say that. I don't know. I'm allowed. And less rhythm.

I don't know. They would say it like that. They'd go, yes, I am. Don't forget the blue wall. They might be going, aye, I am. I like the idea of a lot of sort of Winchester choristers going, yes, I am. I'd say he likes a video, he might be putting that out there.

But he'd have them and then he'd have some blokes with whippets. Yes. But they wouldn't do the yes I am, they'd go, just to show that they hadn't been completely won over.

Yeah. Let's see how the intercity development goes. Intercity? In a... Sorry. They changed the lyric a bit, frankly. I don't mind.

Yeah. Are you ready for a real shit cut to them? Happen. Listen, I've got to tell you something. We listen to a lot of Absolute Radio in our house, and I'm not just saying that. I'm not being the company man, but we do. It's on all the time.

My partner in particular never puts the radio off. She loves a bit of Dave Barry. Oh, she loves Dave Barry. And this week, my partner, who you've met, Pierre. Yes. She has that malapropism thing, which in case you're not aware of this, is not so much saying, well, she does say the wrong word,

but she gets, if she tries a proverb or something that obvious. She'll say, here's an example. She didn't actually say this, but just like she'll say, well, he's going to hell in a handlebar. Yes, exactly. There's always something a bit wrong. Well, I'll give you an actual one. She was on about some bloke being caught out in a lie at work.

And she said he just looked up like a goldfish in the headlights. Yeah, that's Pete Capp. That's a bit chappaquiddick. But this week, I don't know what the subject was but some subject cropped off and she said oh yeah they were talking about that on Shane and Richie

which was supposed to be Bush and Richie but had been turned into an Alfie Moon sort of split personality thing. So I know now I will think of them as Shane and Richie forever. Think of them? I'm never calling them anything else. And I like the idea that Shane and Richie's got enough personality just to be spread into two presenters. Yeah, very emotional documentary about him.

Was it Shane who said that or was it Richie? Yeah, exactly. But he's got that pop star rock and roll thing and also a cheeky chappy and an actor. I'm seeing it more as a documentary about trying to find out what happened in which Lionel Richie investigates what happened to the second series of Shane.

Oh, that would be good. I like Lionel Richie as a detective. Well, you do. Now he's so obsessed by Shane. He's still around, is he, Lionel? He's still very much around.

What's your favourite Lionel Richie song? I like Hello. Obviously, I don't know any of his stuff. Don't you dance it on the ceiling? No, I don't like that stuff. It's got to be dancing. If he did do a documentary, you know that whoever sort of wrote the interstitial bits

would be all the puns, or all the kind of crowbarring in the titles of his songs. Dancing on the ceiling. Yeah, and I wasn't dancing on the ceiling when I realised that, you know. Yeah. That sort of thing. Yeah.

If it was about, like, his breakdown, it'd be like dancing on the ceiling. Yes, yes. Or something like that. My only objection to that song is I don't like songs where there's enforced party noises in the background. Like, whoo! Yeah.

I can't bear that. You're not in a party, you're at a studio. Yeah. OK? All the worse to play a song like that in a sort of massive empty room. It underlines the contrast. It's a lie.

If you did a documentary about getting boils when you're on the International Space Station called Lansing on the ceiling. Oh, God. Oh. Come on,. Oh, fuck. Come on, weightlessness boils. How often do you hear those two mixed together? I'm still reeling from interstitial.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I should just say, we have obviously some of our listeners are on the Decade channels where they listen to different music from the Mother Station. But we just played Three Lions, not because I'm after the royalties,

but because obviously our women's team are doing pretty amazing at the moment. And you've been to... I went to Brighton and I was doing some work. Am I allowed to name the broadcaster, Frank? Oh, yeah. I mean, it's obvious who it is, you know, for Sky Sports. But it was on my birthday.

One of the readers was asking what I was doing on my birthday. That's what I was doing. OK. And I said to the man from Sky Sports, I said, oh, it's great you're working on your birthday. I think that's amazing. He was quite surprised. And I said, well, I said, I'm on a beach talking about football with my dog.

I mean, it's a bit strange. It's a strange way to earn a living, but I like it. So they put you on the beach. And you know what he said? Go on. He said, well, tell me about it. I've got a law degree. Anyway, coming up later on Sky Sports.

Oh, wow. Oh. It's an interesting little tit for tat. I quite liked it. I liked it. I like it. It's like when you're on the beach and a big cloud goes across and it goes dark just for a few seconds and then the sun comes out again.

Yeah. dark just for a few seconds and then the sun comes out again. Yeah. Ooh, that looks a bit like one of them law degree clouds. Heavily laden. Mmm. Yeah. But at one time

they were asking me as well, they were saying, have you seen any of the celebrity reaction to the game? And I hadn't really. No. But I thought, I've got something in my back pocket. Go on. Well,

I'd spoken beforehand and I thought, I've got, they said, have you know any celebrity reactions? And I thought, well, I don't,

but I know. Frank texted me last night. That's handy. So I said, oh, I said, oh, Frank's,

you know, a huge fan and, you know, he's been saying, I can't remember what you said. It was you I'm a huge fan. No, you were lovely about...

I wish you'd have said that. Frank's a huge fan of mine, I can get it. You were lovely about the Lionesses and you'd said how well they were playing. Yeah. And you know what? I was really pleased for you because the presenter said to me, oh, Hank Skinner, that's a bit name droppy. Okay.

He's a bit out of date. I suppose he was locked to waste doing his law degree. That's really... He hasn't noted my decline. But I like that scene as a huge name drop in the football circles.

Oh, okay. It's like saying Ronaldo. Okay. I don't know. Well... Do you count as a name drop as you're my... No, I don't think...

I work with you. You're my boss. No, I think I'm... There was a time I was a name drop as you're my boss? No, I think I'm... there was a time I was a mic drop, but no. No, I've been, I mean we've watched all the games in our house. I'm not going to pretend that I know loads about, you know, I'm sort of asked to acknowledge I'm one of those people who only watches the Lionesses in tournaments. So I'm like those England fans who come out of the woodwork for the men's tournament. But it's been great. I'll tell you one of the reasons it's been great, and this is probably not a good thing to say,

but I don't think the defensive side of the women's game has developed as quickly as the attacking side. There's been some brilliant goals in attacking football. There's been a lot of errors at the back, and that is the dream combination for great games. Years of professor-type coaches making defensive football a watertight art form has ruined football in many ways. The major defensive error has been made almost obsolete at the top level.

So you still get those, but some of the goals and stuff have been fantastic. I'll tell you what I do. I would have one complaint, not about the team. I really think that the badge on their shirt should be Lionesses. They should be lionesses. They should be manes removed. Well, obviously I do, but that's my business. No, I think they should be, yeah, they need to wax the three lions and make them lionesses.

Yeah. Wouldn't that be a great badge? Yes, but can you not go around saying you need to wax the three lines because it might go down the wrong way ok I won't bring that up again but I still think three lines on a shirt should be lionesses let's give them a shave and remove their

male tresses what about that anyway that's the first draft. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We have this in from Arthur Northerner. Oh, yeah. That's a nice one for you. Was it his response to,

are you ready for Rishi? Is that a sort of phrase, like Johnny Foreigner, Arthur Northerner? Yeah, I hope so. Coming down here all Arthur Northerner. It is now. Wee Cath. Frank, you've often regaled us with tales of Cath. How she lay down as preparation for fainting when you drained blisters. Oh, God, yeah.

True. Yes. No, that is true. Yes. I think it was some women might find you attractive dress like that yeah yeah i mean yeah is it possible that she's secretly entertaining herself with your reactions to these performances is it possible there are actually three comedians in your household. Buzz has a track record with the practicals. Well, I feel that comedy often spreads by osmosis.

And if you get close enough to my highly concentrated solution, it will eventually pass through your semipermeable membrane into your less concentrated solution. Oh, my God. And that's what happens, I think, is catching in other words. Well, Arthur Northerner Oh yeah. has this text in. Is Cass' material actually

as good as Frank's? 8-12-15. Well, look, I'd be more than happy for her to do a bit of stand-up. Yeah. She did a podcast with her sister. It was a great podcast.

Interviewing siblings. Yeah. But she's... Frank was on it with our Keith. I was, me and our Keith did it. She's not very keen on being in the spotlight. We've been offered family fortunes and things like that. Yeah. She won't like that. Yeah.

She won't do it. No. 20 grand as well. Really? Frank. Yeah. Can't you say the prices of things? We didn't do it.

Still? We didn't do it. I thought it was obscene, that kind of money. No. Yeah. You're channeling your Arthur Northerner. I said 30,

I'll forget it. I didn't. No, she wouldn't have done it for well I don't know they didn't go that high but anyway let us know when you were offered 20 grand

to do a 15 minute and turn it down yeah but yeah she wouldn't so she's not into that stuff listen

speaking of speaking of performance last week on the show i don't know if you remember i was speculating about um whether i would have to wear shorts yes on stage knee gate exactly knee gate um i didn't want to negate my um my act by everyone just staring at my terrible legs. But the government guidelines said that if a man my age went out of the house on Monday and Tuesday not wearing shorts, they would immediately incinerate.

So I actually did. I wore shorts on stage for the first time in my life. What were they like? Monday and Tuesday. You remember the two-day heat wave? I do. The meteorological office's answer to the millennium bug. Well, Pierre Nivelli.

It was hot, but what happened? Pierre Nivelli went viral. Oh, yeah? Sorry to hear that. Are you on antibiotics? How many likes? In the heat, too. I can't quote it verbatim,

because I'm afraid there was a Category C swear word in there. Oh, my goodness. Had to lower the tone. But he... Barrack room humour. How many likes are you at now for that one tweet? 35,000, 40,000. Wowie.

What was the tweet? Can you clean it up? Yes, I can. Not the first time I've asked that. I said it's like trying to sleep inside a McDonald's apple pie. Oh. And I have a confession to make about that tweet. Go on.

I refer to it among some friends of mine as the tweet. And I tweet it every year on the hottest night of the year. Oh, do you? And it always goes really well. Brilliant. And as it goes well and I gain more sort of followers from it, I let them in on the secret that they can look forward to the tweet again next year. It's fabulous.

Oh, do you know? The tweet. I've got a version of the tweet. My only good Oh, do you know? The tweet. I've got a version of the tweet. My only good one. We'll come back for that. I think you should call it that tweet.

Like Elizabeth Hurley's dress. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. A long time ago, before that break, you were going to tell us about your tweet of the year. Oh, yes. Your annual tweet.

What do you call it? That tweet. That tweet. My version of that tweet. My that tweet is when I tell the story, which I've managed to condense, of me being in heels. Yes, I've kept it quite on brand.

Yeah. Searching for chandelier bulbs. Do you remember this? And I said to the assistant, I cannot believe you have run out of my chandelier bulbs. And he said, be brave, madam. Oh, yeah. I remember it now.

It is good. It is good. And I got, madam. Oh, yeah. I remember it now. It is good. It is good. And I got, I was a bit nervous because I thought I'd be dismissed as some sort of terrible person mentioning chandeliers and the else. But I felt, I hoped it was self-deprecating enough. And I got a lot of love.

I mean, I think my best, I think I got a retweet from Nigella. That was a big one. Gosh. That was a good one. It's good when it's someone like that. They have a sort of a cold distance about them. Those sort of serving gentlemen, as it were.

They don't seem to have any of the issues. I think younger people struggle a bit with working in shops because they feel a bit like they're being looked down on. But those guys, they look down on the customers. Like I was, I went to a wine, I've told this before, but it reminds me of it. I went to a wine merchant's, a proper posh Bond Street type wine merchant.

Like Berry Brothers. With a friend. And she was trying to buy like a posh bottle of wine. And the bloke said to me, you should try this wine. It's lovely. And she tried it. And he said, here's one for you. I said, I won't.

Thank you. He said, well, why don't you try this one if you prefer it more dry? And I said, no, no, I just don't want any wine. And he said, would you like a red? I can do you. I said, look, no, I just don't want any wine. And he said, would you like a red? I can do you. I said, look, I got so fed up. I said, look, I'm actually a recovering alcoholic. And he said, maybe sparkling wine.

And I thought, is it effervescence? Is this a loophole I haven't discovered? But yeah, there's something about those guys, which is very fine well that probably doesn't exist in his customer base he'd probably say

oh he had a bit of bother he's alright now yeah yeah certainly so anyway yes so I did the show in the shorts

I wasn't so keen about it because I think you have to talk about the shorts did you yeah so you know

you have to sort of slightly apologise did you apologise and yeah oh good and then I the shorts. Did you? Yeah, so you have to sort of slightly apologise. Did you apologise? And yeah. Oh good. And then I, on Tuesday,

which was the hottest day I think in British history, we were told a lot. Yeah. Although really, I went out and it was hot. And then I went in again. Yeah. Didn't seem like a game changer.

But then, that night the audience was so it was such a flat oh man and the key is apparently i don't know if you're aware of this psychological trick that if you're feeling miserable if you remember what how you sit and how you move when you're happy and you put your body forcibly and deliberately into that position, your body will start to think you're happy because it will recognise your happy posture and it will cheer you up. This is how it's supposed to work.

And I think I've always thought with comedy, if you act like it's a good gig, you'll treat the audience into agreeing with you. However, at one point when they groaned at a joke, I said, I really wish I was wearing a backpack flamethrower, which is the opposite, I would say, of that. How did that go down? I think there was uncertainty. It's a venue where you have to go, like if you go to the toilet, you have to just use the toilet

and walk through all the crowd before the show. I haven't listened to Hugh Binky Beaumont's views on the magic of theatre. Which surprises me somewhat. Yeah, it's quite a Hugh Binky Beaumont type of establishment. But he always said the magic of theatre, never let them see you off. And it hasn't worked. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novella. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Frank, we played Three Lions earlier, which you may recall. Yes, it wasn't my idea. It wasn't one of my choices.

It was a playlist. Yeah. For the lionesses, obviously. Of course. Tom Ginn said, first time I've ever listened to this show, first song I hear, Three Lions. We had tweeted from the show account just to confirm we don't play it every week and Ruth Jordan

Morning Ruth, one of our regulars replied that's true. Some weeks Frank debuts some of his new work. Like his prospective Eurovision entry called Oh Life brackets is life.

I just wanted to add some light. It just so happens I have it at my fingertips. I thought there was some light in there as well, but I could be wrong. I can see Frank as a sort of German crooner. Crooner. And life is like a light The shining on

In the darkness In the darkness Yes, I think it says life is like a light. I don't think anyone can argue with that. Well, I mean, there could be many, many versions of this song. I was going to say... Heavily covered. I don't think you need to pull her up

because the beauty of it is, with the greatest respect, no-one will ever know. No, that is true, of course. It's not going to be up there with misheard lyrics. If I was offered Eurovision, I mean, I'd do it with that. I'm sure that's reassuring news to everyone. Patriotic. What's complicated is that they're asked

if they can have it for their next Bond film. Oh, my God. Sort of silhouettes of women diving off guns. Exactly. With torches. It's like a light. It's the bit when it speeds up that worries me. Well, I mean, it was impromptu, and I had no rehearsal space.

To be fair, Life Light could be a sort of good Golden Eye-style Bond title. Yeah, it could, yeah. Life Light. Anyway, have we heard out heard hotels from the outside world? Regarding pine martins, Jamie Brightwell. In case you missed the beginning of the show, my discovery of the week, mind-blowing,

so brace yourselves, is that a pine martin isn't, I repeat't a bird now it's a small furry animal shocked me to the core it isn't a bird it isn't a plane yeah it's a pine martin that would be if they have a pine martin series it should open with people shouting i'm gonna have to call it in the way that you know i in my well the way I dismiss superheroes is by treating them like it's their surname. So I say Superman. Yes, oh, yes. Spider-Man.

Yeah. I'm going to have to say Pine Martin. Okay, well, it is an E. I think it's an E. Is it an E? Pierre? Yes, I think so. I think it's an E rather than an I.

Martin. Okay, okay. But Mr. Brightwell says, My dad had a stuffed and mounted pine martin in his shed stopped me and my brother going in there it's now bleached blonde due to the sun yes even the ones at the natural history

it's one of the drawbacks of taxidermies if you get them anywhere near the sun they've got like sort of an arctic lion in there. A very, very pale lion. Indeed.

They're really old, the taxidermy. Maybe they just don't approve of it anymore. Maybe what Jamie doesn't know is that his father went in there and very carefully bleached the pine martin himself. Well, I had... Oh, what, to get the sun in there. That's why it was in the shed, exactly.

Imagine going in and he's just massaging it into the pine martin. Was he getting the foils out? Would it be the pine martin's... Highlighting, giving a highlight. Frosted tips. If you were shampooing a pine martin... Yes. Would there be... At what point would the scalp stop being the scalp

and become something else? Or is the whole body the scalp on a furry animal? I think we should point out, if you've got a pine martin domesticated, don't give highlights. It's very cruel. No, no, don't do that. We don't approve of making

Pine Martins look like the Backstreet Boys in the 90s. No, we, look, let's be straight up. We know little of pelt maintenance. Speak for yourself. We're not trying to put that on TV, too.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You've been talking, almost obsessing, over the Pine Martin creature. Well, I love to learn. Well, learn this. OK. Sounds like a rather unpleasant New York comedian.

That sounds like you're going to hit me, doesn't it? Yeah, well, learn this, mate. Oh! It sounds like it's accompanying an offensive gesture. Learn this, buddy. Yeah. I didn't mean that at all. I just think this is interesting.

I've been doing a bit of investigating on the Pine Martin front. Pine Martins, apparently, this news just in yeah to be told you don't call me just pine martins to be used as bouncers to keep grey squirrels out of the highlands so this is they're going to be deployed along the east coast of Scotland, I believe. Okay. Because of the problem with the grey squirrels. Like doormen. They're rampant, the grey squirrel.

Yeah. And the population. So I think they've decided to let nature take care of itself. But not if they've drafted. Have they drafted in the pie martin? They're creating, they're creating dens, but it's still better than culling, isn't it? Because what they're doing is

every man for himself. I don't know what the Pine Martins methodology is like. Well, I do, because it says research from Ireland, Wales and Scotland was oh, it's just the three was once thought to show that Pine Martins created, in quotes,

a landscape of fear. Wow. Wow, a landscape of fear. And someone said that's what we need here. Here we go. A landscape of fear. That'll get the squirrels out. A very doer Highlander looking at a bunch of grey squirrels in his garden going,

what we need is a landscape of fear. Yeah, but that terrible moment when the Pied Martins arrive and the bosses they've brought in and the catering company's there with sack after sack of bird seed. Terrible, terrible admin error. It sounds very next Bond film. Got a landscape of fear. Yeah, yeah. Do, do, do, do.

Landscape of fear. Boom, boom, boom. Landscape. They. Boom, boom, boom. Landscape. They're coming here. Woo. For their landscape of fear. Yes. You can see Daniel Craig grabbing someone by the collar

and sort of slamming them into the floor of a fancy hotel bathroom, yelling, what is Pine Martin? I don't think... Yes, and it turns out he's actually inquiring about the air freshener from a place called Martin. I don't think Daniel Craig's doing the next one. It doesn't matter. I think it's Pine Martin Freeman. Oh, come on.

It isn't. Have they got the new bong? Is that out there? Not yet. No, it's going to take a come on. It isn't. Have they got the new Bond? Is that out there? Not yet. No. It's going to take a while. Keep it under your hat, Frank. They've got to find out what everyone wants first.

Yeah. They can't make a decision. What if it was me? Frank Skinner is James Bond, open parentheses, if he'd lived, closed parentheses. if he'd lived. Close parentheses. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. People are getting

very excited about pine martins. Really? That's great news. Neil Rickards, I felt compelled to find out more as I've never heard

of these animals. Hashtag every day is a school day. He's been doing a lot of research into them. I can now look forward to if I ever see some gambling in life, Pine Martins, I can sort of nudge the person next to me

and go, bouncers of the highlands. Do you mean gambling? Gambling. Yeah, not gambling. Gambling. They're gambling creatures as well. Well, you know what?

They sound like they could be in that. They play shove squirrel. I mean, they are bouncers, so they sound like they're not frightened of a casino. No, no, exactly. They seem like they fall in with that pack, if you know what I mean. What is the collective for the Pine Martin?

Should we have a stab at it? A flock. Okay. That's where the confusion first arose, a flock. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to say a mob, according to what they did to the landscape. Yeah, or a door. Yeah, a door of pine.

I like that. It bounces. I'm going to say a stench. Okay, well, we can find out. I'm sure someone will tell us, one of our readers. What's that thing they call the information highway? Oh, yeah. The internet.

Capital I. The Internet. Capital I. So, actually, we were just, I was talking about performing at the Phoenix Arts Club this week, which I have to say has been great. Yes. I mean, you know,

I know there's no toilet in the dressing room, but there's no dressing room. That's true. But it's a very, you really feel like you're in that cool, late night London. It's a place where actors go for a drink after the show. And they have lots of drag acts on.

You feel like it's the coolest I've felt, considering there was a heat wave. It's the coolest I've felt for a very, very long time. It's very Soho, and it's one of those bars that's in a basement, and the wall is just covered in signed photographs of people you've never ever heard of. Well,

it's the sort of place where you'd expect to see Francis Bacon drinking in a corner with Geoffrey Bernard. Yes. But you played there. I did, as part of all of our efforts to prepare for the Fringe. You know, we were doing our previews, stuff into shape. I did, as part of all of our efforts to prepare for The Fringe, you know, was doing our previews, getting stuff into shape.

I shared a sort of preview slot there with Jacob Hawley, great comedian, and a thing occurred. I was on second, and during the interval I was backstage. Well, as you say, there is no backstage. I was hiding behind a cloth. Yeah. And I sort of had a peek at the audience who had thank god stayed yeah after Jacob had done his first half and left and I looked and I saw you

look through the audience and and in the back of the room is the stairs the audience descend from and I saw that um a gang two two boys girls, I say boys and girls because they did look sort of, you know how an 18 year old can often look 14 they sort of go, I know you're here in a pub but it's obscene you're so young so there were two boys and two

girls of sort of definitely like sixth form age coming down the stairs late to a comedy gig and I thought, they didn't know there was comedy gig and i thought they know they didn't know there was a gig on here did they they're not here to watch comedy oh okay they've come for a campari yes exactly and just swap quips yeah and so i thought uh-oh and i saw the sort of hand go up of the ticket taker saying no no there's a gig on you have to buy tickets if you want to come into the bar and it took a good the interval's only supposed to be five minutes,

it took a good ten minutes to convince them that what they really wanted was to sit in silence and watch me work through some material. Yes, so did they find a halfway house where they sat talking while you went through some material? I would like to know this. Frank, your years in the business have stood you in good stead there. business have stood you in good stead there. That is exactly what happened and exactly what I was predicting, half hidden behind my grubby little curtain. And, well, I'll tell you what happened in a moment, but suffice to say it involved a letter. A letter?

Mm-hmm. Of course it did, Pierre. You're so cultured. What, to their headmaster? Yes. Did they? They were representing the school. Of course it did, Pierre. You're so cultured. To their headmaster. They were representing the school. Yeah, and they were mooning on the back window of the coach on the way to the club. It's got to be stopped.

So, Pierre, do you want to remind us where we left you? Yes. You had left me in the basement venue of the Phoenix Arts Club. Yeah. Doing an Edinburgh Fringe preview show. And... When was this, recently? May. Oh, OK.

April, May. All right, 24 hours in police custody. OK. And the Pine Martin bouncers had let in some youths. Were they the kind of youths who were, are you ready for Rishi? Yes, I am. Well, there was a disparity there.

The two young lads were a couple of sort of, their vibe was very much Arthur Northerner. Okay. And the two girls were more sort of sort of the vibe was very much Arthur Northerner okay and the two girls were more sort of ready for Rishi okay yeah

there was an interesting dynamic they didn't look like they normally all hung out no which is another odd element to this maybe it's like the Eccleston girls

they like the do you think they were those two servants they'd always fancied they were seeing them behind their parents' backs. The stable boys. We'll take them to the Phoenix Arts Club.

Did they say, yes, two tickets in the name of Chatterley, please? And don't order a pint of bitter. You'll embarrass us. Don't you know. So they came in and, as you correctly predicted, Frank, decided that what they would do is sit and talk as if they were in a busy pub in the back of my already dwindling audience in this basement on a weeknight. And so eventually I had to address them.

And they became sort of moderately belligerent. Well, it's difficult because you had two social registers to operate on to communicate with them both. Did you speak to the women and say, now look here? What do you tell these boys to be quiet? So what happened? I'm intrigued. So they sort of kicked off a bit. And I have to say, initially, I thought that the lads would be the trouble,

but I was wrong. It was the ladies were kicked off quite dramatically and at one point actually just sort of stormed up the stairs. It's hard to storm upstairs out of the basement. Oh, stormed out? Eventually. Okay, I thought you were going to say onto the stage. No, thank God.

I should say for our readers that Pierre is not the sort of bloke that you would naturally challenge on stage. He's a man-mountain. He's not like me. The reason people don't challenge me is they fear they might kill me. But, yeah, Pierre looks like... I remember I was moving a house once and Pierre came round and just picked up a bed

and carried it out of the flat. Like obelisk. Yeah, I nearly fell out. I had to hold on to the headboard. Haven't we all there? Oh, that's, oh God. So they stormed out and there was some sort of, but the guys ended up saying, the two young lads,

and I thought, that's odd. And then, you know, the show carried on and blah, blah, blah. And then at the end, they had, I looked out, appeared out from behind the little curtain and the guys had gone, the lads. That sounds dignified. It's very Wizard of Oz, isn't it, this story? Yes, yeah.

There's a lot of back and forth curtain wise yeah and they'd gone so I thought okay whatever and I

came out and the guy running the show said sorry for letting them in but they did say that they wanted to buy

tickets but I should have been more sceptical and here's a pint and I said oh thank you you know and then the

two guys the lads came back in and I thought not a post show confrontation oh no the least favourite part of any comedian's evening yeah and they came up and the lads came back in and I thought not a post-show confrontation. Oh no. The least favourite part of any comedian's evening.

Yeah. And they came up and the first thing they said was, sorry we didn't know the girls would be like that. We thought they'd be fine because they go to drama school. Oh. So I thought, interesting, wrong, you have a lot to learn. Yeah, and also the girls were probably accidentally projecting which made them even louder.

And then the guy, the sort of leader of the two boys, handed me what I'm going to call a letter that they'd gone away to hurriedly scrawl. What? And I say letter advisedly because it's a long piece of blank receipt paper. Okay. Is there anything on it?

Oh, yes. That they'd written on with. Is there anything on it? Oh, yes. That they'd written on with a felt pen they'd found. Oh, okay. And they handed it to me. And what did it say? And said, here you go, sorry about that, and sort of fled before I could read the letter sort of in front of them. Fair enough.

Oh, I don't like the sound of this. I do. I'll tell you what, shall we read the letter, the cliffhanger? Yeah. Okay. We'll hear that letter after this. Oh, you left us on a cliffhanger. I wish I could have played Joe Cocker's The Letter.

You know, my baby wrote me a letter. Okay. So, quick refresher. The two lads of the group of four hecklers have hung around after the show to hand me a felt-tip scrawled letter on a section of blank receipt paper I think they caged off the barman. Yes, this is very much what are the 39 steps, isn't it?

Go on, let's hear it. I should say that now Pierre is looking at his phone, so we obviously photographed this missile. I did. Well, he's not the type to make it up. No, no. He hasn't got that kind of bone in his body. No, I would never make up a mad letter.

So this is, and I really want to emphasise how much this has been mad felt tip, sort of capital block capital letters. Hello, sir. I like it so far. I say that to a lot of my customers. Hello, sir.

My name is Louis. I was with the rather rude girls who eventually walked out. Yeah. Me and my friend Finn stayed. And while your comedy wasn't for us. Oh, no! It was going well!

So respectful up to that point. Oh, man. Felt it, block capitals. Killer claws. Dropped it. Fair enough. You know, nobody. While your comedy wasn't for us.

Yes, me and my friend Finn stayed. And while your comedy wasn't for us, we still enjoyed ourselves. I have some question marks over that as an idea, but fine. I suppose watching someone die on stage is always entertaining. I'm not suggesting you did that for a second. Well, in their eyes, I did. Me and my friend Finn stayed,

and while your comedy wasn't for us, we still enjoyed ourselves, and we thank you for that. Oh, that's nice. That is nice. Can I say, Louis and Finn sound lovely boys. Yeah. And I think we may have misjudged them.

Louis and Finn, Louis and Finn sound lovely boys. Yeah. And I think we may have misjudged them. Louis and Finn, Louis and Finn. Writing letters all around town. Also, they sound to me like, I don't know, the fact that they know about writing thank you letters. Yeah. Yes, they've sort of gone... Their time at the stables has not been wasted. Thank God they let the parson teach them their letters.

Exactly. At a price! But anyway, carry on. Oh, what's happening? And we thank you for that. Please continue for us and yourself. Quite philosophical there. Yeah, that's...

Good luck and see you soon. Oh! Louis and Finn and then a kind of blobby heart. Oh, it was quite formal and at the end it went a bit hasta la vista, baby. I was quite worried by the notion of seeing them again soon it's nice that they wrote you a letter though

yeah I think that's I respect to Louis and Finn yeah for putting it in writing yes I think it's because

the young people don't actually speak anymore do they in the age of text and what's that everything is written which is something

you can't call them what about what about when you call them I called fail this no no they won't be the one verbalize no no well you'll see a group of people sitting at a table and everyone is them is texting someone else or what's happening or whatever they like the whatsapp because it's free what happened to James Taylor? If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with. That theory has been completely quashed.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on the 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. So, outsidey worldy.

Thanks, Chaucer. We've been talking about the pine martin, which I thought was a bird yep thanks dinner this is the revelation of the morning

yeah oh it's been the week for me I found out I think two days ago and almost fell off my chair Simon of Sudbury

has got in touch I bought the cage and everything the millet Simon of Sudbury has got in touch, Pierre. I'm going to leave that to you. What if you went into Millet? Sorry, what if you went into Millet and said,

can I get some Millet, please? And they said no. You could say, well, I think that's a very misleading sign. You've got outside. Sorry. I'm never going to go to Millet. No, I know that. Except I had to with you once.

Do you remember that yes and i got so exhausted waiting for you yes i ended up eating some kendall mint cake yes we got kendall mint cake together through the test of me buying waterproof trousers it's true i'm just trying to save the sofa. Yeah. We've heard from 557. Oh, yeah. Good morning, Frank and crew. A group of pine martins is a richness. That's very good.

Well, bouncers, they don't do badly for themselves these days. No, a richness of pine martins. Not sure how or why I know. I'm not sure why the name is such, but that is the name. Well, that's good. Can I just say, sorry, Frank, that's from a very long-time listener, Christine from the Glorious Isle of Wight. I'm a fan of collective nouns, and I shall remember that one,

a richness of Pine Martin. That's two Pine Martin facts I've learnt this week. I suppose three if you count a landscape of fear. Yes. Which is their modus operandi. Yes. I think my most successful Latin of the morning. Well, I mean, the bar was low, darling.

Yes, indeed. Waist height, one could argue. Simon of Sudbury gets in touch. Just doing further research on the pine martin, a note they were subject to persecution in the 19th century. Presumably this was on account of their Huguenot connections. There you go. No, is that some sort of hoax?

Some sort of... The 19th century is a bit late for Huguenot persecution, isn't it? And also, what are their Huguenot connections? Well, Simon of Sudbury will enlighten us, because he does do that. Yeah. I think he's just trying to do an association between other persecuted groups.

Oh, OK, fair enough. Either that or Pine Martins are now bouncers but formerly renowned for delicate lace weaving. I think we need to workshop this at a later date. Yes. But well done, Simon. I mean, if anyone can workshop an anecdote involving Huguenot connections and persecution in the 19th century,

I feel confident it's Frank Skinner and Pianovelli. That's very nice of you to say so. I take that as a mighty compliment. I think I went to school with Huguenot connections. Hello, Disney things. So, while we're on this topic, there was a, well, I mean, I don't know if they're the same family. They look like they might be, but there was an otter-based story.

I know exactly what you're talking about. And I do know. It wasn't Tarka. I don't mean I've been reading Tarka the otter. Do you know Tarka the otter? Oh, it broke me, that film. Did it break you? Did your parents say you should see that?

It was so sad. I don't think I've ever seen Tark of the Otter. I mean, I think the author might have been cancelled for various difficult political... Yes, I believe the author, something Williamson, actually attended a Nuremberg rally such was his support for

Adolf Hitler really yeah oh dear but you know I mean it's difficult it's a shame to take the

the book away from the children they don't need to know about that they just need to know about the otter no do you know

Tarka the otter, it was Can I tell you another strange Williamson fact, which I don't know. Well it depends. No, it's Williamson who wrote Tarka the otter died on the day that they filmed the death

of Tarka the otter for that film. He died on the same day. Did he die in a bunker? No. I think he was in a den on the ground. No, I only know that

because I read a book about Ted Hughes and a very influential book on his life was Tarker the Otter. Oh, fine. Did he have an Alsatian called Bleachy? I don't know anything else about William. You had a pie martian called Bleachy. I don't know anything else about William.

You've got a pie martin called Bleachy. From his dad's shed. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, look, these otter. Yes, these. Oh, the collective. Do you want to know what the collective is? Oh, I do know.

What is it, Frank? Oh, it's a romp. Yes. A romp of otters. Oh. And I'll tell you why that is, I think. Go on. It's because otters, they make water slides out of stuff and they slide on them.

You know the last day of I'm a Celebrity where they have that big thing where they have to... Otters, that's based on the otter reality world. Yeah, incredible thing. I don't really think of animals

not making, you know, playground equipment. No. Do you like otters? I don't know if they'd... I'm not saying they'd stretch to a flume. No one's suggesting that they are flume capable. I'm talking about a makeshift water slide.

I never said flume. Don't misquote me. Flume capable sounds like something quite threatening. But they sound like they might be a bit i mean they're a bit rompy so i think they're nicer than um pine martins i think they're sort of landscape of fear i think they're the friendly face of the draft excluder style Luder style animal. Yeah. Now, although we should, this brings us neatly to the subject of the

home invader alter. They don't often do this. They don't like humans that much. They have been known to lash out. You have to get to know them, I believe. Yeah, otherwise... My partner was attacked by a squirrel on Hampstead Heath. I don't know if you remember that.

To be fair, Casper's been attacked by a lot of creatures. Yes. It spiralled up her leg and left a scratchy trail. That's what she told you, anyway. Behind. Oh, I'll tell you something else about altars. My dad was a poacher. Okay.

My dad would knit nets out of string and then he'd disappear for the night and come back with... Sorry, can we go back a bit? Yeah. Forgive me. He was a poacher, so he took net and... And he evaded the gibbet.

Nets and ferrets. Your father was a poacher. Yes. And he would take a ferret or two and some nets. Where from? You know, you could purchase ferrets then. Ferrets, I'm guessing, have a similar family to the otter and the pine martin. Certainly to the pine martin.

You know, long and lean. And so what you do is find a rabbit warren, say if there's ten holes, you'd cover nine of them with the net and then put the ferret down hole 10 and just wait for now i believe that otters that people used to put nets in the water and get otters to chase fish into them so the underwater version of poaching i love that you know when you get like any land thing that you see done underwater, and it's the

underwater chest. Have you ever seen that? With the scuba divers. What's your favourite land event that's been switched to underwater, right?

12, 15. This is Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We were talking about an otter intruder. Maybe we haven't made the intruder thing perfectly clear.

He entered the Cumbrian holiday home of a couple from County Durham, Peter Goldie and his wife Linda. They found him, he'd snuck in through bars for the cat, cat bars, and I'm saying that like it's a thing,

cat bars. A thing meant to keep the cat out. Keep the cat in, presumably. Oh, keep the cat in, yeah. I'm not quite sure why anyone would the cat out. Keep the cat in, presumably, isn't it? Oh, keep the cat in, yeah. I'm not quite sure why anyone would have cat bars. David Baddiel, no, he likes a cat. He does.

Anyway, they have these cat bars. The otter sneaks in. Not only they find him in bed, which I quite like. Did he have the duvet up just to cover his modesty? Did he have it right up to sort of... Did we know that it was a male otter? Yeah, I think we did.

She said... She got closer than I thought. Yeah? Okay, perhaps she's just going on the Latin name. I mean, maybe it's it, but I was saying it, but I felt in one of the other pieces I'd read, she had said he. Okay, fair enough.

The duvet was, I don't know where the duvet was, whether it was like when they show the romantic scene in a movie. Yeah. Well, there was a great quote in The Sun where they said, it scattered cushions. And I thought, one has to ask, were they scatter cushions? At last, someone has unironically scattered scatter cushions. It's happened, guys.

And he, or it, broke the candlestick. Yeah, we don't know how that happened. A very sort of Cluedo thing to do. I'm thinking, you know when the three musketeers demonstrate their rapier skills and they flick and they think, ha ha, you missed the candle and then they push it and they've gone straight

through it so quickly it hasn't even fallen off the top. Yes. I'm hoping it was like that. Linda, the lady, there was a great thing about her. She said, I was reading a book in my conservatory when I heard the commotion. Oh, okay.

1764. I mean, who steals that of a day? I'm liking Linda. Is it Linda? It really made me like her, that. Yeah. When you're in your Cumbrian holiday home, you should read a book in your conservatory.

Well, she said, according to the son, that the otter sauntered down the hall like it owned the place. That'll get the reincarnation people excited, I think, the idea that that was a previous owner of that old farmhouse come back. So he knew where the bed was. Yeah. And so forth. Maybe it was.

Yes, because he... Oh, actually, from that same Ted Hughes biography, Ted Hughes's mother was claimed to be psychic, and she said a ghost appeared in their house looking for a daughter. And Mrs Hughes said, oh, she doesn't live here anymore. She's moved to wherever it was, Throckmorton. Yeah. And the ghost said, thanks very much. She left.

I mean, I've read many ghost stories. I can't think of one in which they're given directions. A joke, a ghost saying, avenge me, and you go, he's also been dead for years. Oh, good then, thanks. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were talking, well, you were talking about the Ted Hughes mother-in-law.

Mother, was it? Ted Hughes' mother's ghost. Ted Hughes' mum. No, not his. A ghost turned up at their house and the mother was like... The directions. Said, oh, she's not here anymore, love. You need to... It's a left. Yeah, exactly. Down at the end of the lane.

Then you go through. There's a wall. You go through that. You know, that does remind me of the late Derek Acora ah yes if you're listening and I'm sure you are yeah

he used to say when he would contact the spirit world I remember hearing him once saying if you would please leave

the building we would be very much obliged. Thank you. Oh, did he used to say that? He would use language like that with the spirit. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

I'm afraid he slightly, he let himself down a bit, Derek, when he did the pets, pets communication programme. What happened there? I don't think I saw that. So people would come on to talk to their dead pets. And this woman said, I had a Jack Russell Terrier called Paul. Nice.

And he said, yes, Paul's here tonight. She said, now, Paul, he's got a character, hasn't he, Paul? He says, I can see you marching through the world as spirits full of himself. And I thought, you know what, Derek, you've finally pushed me to the point where I don't believe you. That's how far. I've been, you know, I've been with you all the way, but no.

Even my chewing gum-like stretchable credulity has snapped. I don't believe that dog is marching to the world of spirits with any kind of force. No. I think if it's anything a subdued character uncertain about

where it finds itself. Anyway. Oh, I'd say something else. Another fact. When I was in Korea filming many years ago. Have you ever been to Korea? No.

Kimchi every meal. Incredible. But in Korea, if you see an otter, then rain will pursue you for the rest of your life. The rest of our life? Yeah. Just saying. The answer to the question, why does it always of your life? Yeah. Just saying. The answer to the question,

why does it always rain on me? Yeah. Remember that otter you saw? You know what? Is it because I saw that otter while eating kimchi? Yeah. You don't have to eat,

the kimchi's not part of the superstition. Favourite animal-based superstitions, 8, 12, 15? Have we had any favourite underwater... It's always the cat. Have we had any favourite underwater... It's always the cat. Have we had any favourite...

No, no, the magpie for me. What is that? Can we just clarify the magpie? If you see one magpie... One for sorrow, is it two for joy? Yes, so if you see one, first of all, you're supposed to look around to see if there's another one.

I haven't got time. Yeah, and if you haven't got time, you salute the magpie. I'm not doing that. It's embarrassing. I still do it. I mean, if there's haven't got time, you salute the magpie. I'm not doing that. It's embarrassing. I still do it. I mean, if there's people around, it's just like I'm scratching my head a bit with my fingernails.

What are they? Some sort of, like, terrible leader. And then you say good morning, Mr. Magpie. I mean, I don't want to discuss the gender issues in this superstition, but you say good morning, Mr. Magpie. And then that's it. You get off the one for sorrow.

Yep. Do you salute magpies? I'd say it's one of the few superstitions, perhaps the only superstition I observe. Oh, that's a good one. Which one? I think I avoid ladders, but do you walk under ladders?

Well, I would walk under a ladder, but I think that's more walk under ladders? Well, I would walk under a ladder, but I think that's more of a practical... Well, mine's more of a Benny Hill hijinks reason. Yes, yeah. So I don't want to get involved in any... No. You know? But you haven't worn that nurse outfit

with stockings and suspenders for years. Au contraire, my friend. Yeah, oh, sorry. I meant in my company. Thank you. I mean, you know, stick with what you know. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute

Radio. What was, oh yes, we were on about the couple who received an otter they could not refuse. I very much liked the fact that... Why has he got the penthouse overlooking the Houses of Parliament?

It's at the cat food, the otter. Yes. Oh, I don't like that. Or as they called it in the sun, the moggy's grub. And I thought, is this Shirley Valentine

editing the sun nowadays? Well, the moggy's grob in 2022. So why do they try and make it sound like a Coronation Street pension in 1968? I have to say, is there a term for that? That sort of like weird, old-fashioned, but also infantilised newspaper talk? Because I truly... I truly hate it. Well, it's in the...

Is it in the same Venn diagram as, um, top people, when they use that phrase? I'll do that, yeah. Like, top people's restaurant, top people's suburb. Yes. Leafy London suburb. Tiny tot scoffed the chalk, that sort of thing. It just makes me want to peel my head.

I really hate it. Why do you do it? I like it when one of their, if it's a pop star, one of their hits is mentioned in the description of the film. So they could say the toxic, warbling star Britney Spears. Why do you have to do that? They always do. The mysterious girl.

Poor Peter Andre. I mean, that came out about 30 years ago. But they use words like chart topper and stuff. Yes. Mysterious girl chart topper Peter Andre. Yes. You're right. Moggy's grub. it's like they've got

a sort of mad beano thesaurus exactly legally obliged to use exactly yeah and we all had bodies afterwards yes what is the reliance on as you say scoffed is always people don't eat things, do they? They slough. As they slurped down their... I think you'll find they quaff. They quaff champagne. Yes. Especially if it's posh people, top people. And it's still one of the few places you can find a tycoon. Which you never hear in normal conversation.

Yes, apparently he's a tycoon. He is like the Monopoly man. Yeah. Go on gone, gone. Did we establish War on Monocle or didn't? This was one of those great things. Well, I get messed up with Mr Peanut from The Planter. Yeah, but you're obsessed by him. Yeah, I do love him.

I remember we had a phone in once about where does Mr Peanut connect the other end of his monocle? Does he fit it into his own fibrous shell? I'm afraid you had a rather disturbing theory about where it might go. Yeah, nevertheless.

I would say I feel for this couple though because an otter, I would be terrified if there's an otter in the house. It's a very sort of whimsical English countryside burglar to have isn't it? I know but I would wouldn't you be frightened? Well have you ever had a bird in the house? Well I think you have. Sorry I was just I was just practicing my lines for my new The Lightly Lads musical. No, a bird in the house is terrifying because they flutter about and excrete.

Two in the bush is even more uncomfortable. Oh, for God's sake. Anyway. It's because there's an element of flapping at the face, like moths as well. Yeah, two in the bush is even more uncomfortable. Oh, for God's sake. In any way. It's because there's an element of flapping at the sort of face, like moths as well. Yeah, exactly. Whereas an otter, I feel, is much more of a sort of watch out for your feet. Do you know what I do?

When I have flies in the house, I talk to them like my dog. And I say, come on, darling. Good boy. Good boy. Leave now. Leave. Come on. There's a good boy.

Do you know? Something quite Derek Acora about him. I'd go... They leave every time. I'd go trousers in socks if we had an otter in the house. Yes. That would be my first step. So look, anyway, enough of this.

Thank you, sir. Pierre, it's always great to see you. Pleasure. And you know what? Thanks for listening this morning, everyone. And if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now get out