The Frank Skinner Show - Monster Munchies

Episode Date: October 1, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Pierre Novellie. This week Frank watched the new Fantasy Football with David Baddiel, the team discuss their sartorial choices and Ian Broudie pops in with some exclusive Three Lions news!

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli with us this morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Good morning. Morgan. Now, we have a guest today. We don't often have guests on this show. Oh, I'd have put my make-up on if I'd have known.

We have, well, I think we are filming it, so... Oh, I'm glad you gave me a heads up it won't be like remember webcam gate that was terrible no yeah we forgot that they used to film the whole show Pierre in the early days and we sort of forgot about it except we didn't really do anything visual yeah and then Emily said I need to change my jumper we We were sent Christmas jumpers by a brand. So we all had to leave the office so that we didn't see her brazier. But she forgot that all the webcams was on. There was a moment Frank pointed out at the end,

similar to the ending of Kind Hearts and Coronets. I apologise for any spoiler alerts, but I'm afraid it's been too long now. He says, my memoirs, my memoirs. And Frank went, the webcam. It was a terrible moment. Yeah, and got a couple of approving messages from people. People with...

The sort of people who like to watch their radio. Yeah, exactly. Okay, anyway, that won't be happening again. So yeah Ian Brodie will be on. Oh go tell Ian Brodie, go tell Ian Brodie, go tell Ian Brodie the old grey goose is dead. Don't call him that. No I'm going to tell him about the death of the old grey goose. Who's going to tell him? No, I'm going to tell him about the death of the old Greg. Who's going to tell him? I'm not going to tell him. Oh, God.

If anyone is listening, thoughts with the old Greg, who's his family, who do get mentioned in the song, I think, the goslings are crying and the gander is upset. And I believe an old aunt, I think it might be road easy. Anyway, the aunt is making a feather bed thing. I thought they slaughtered these creatures for the feathers, but it turned out in Aunt Road these days, they waited till they had experienced a natural death.

And then there were opportunists, quilt-based opportunists. Who else are your thoughts with families? Are your thoughts also with Humpty Dumpty's family? I think he survived, didn't he? Did he? I thought they couldn't put him back together again. Was that one of the other ones? Oh, yeah.

I think that was the second verse. He has extensive cosmetic surgery. Hey, listen. I went to David Baddiel's house on Thursday night at 9.45. Now, I rarely call

on people that late, and I can think I can honestly say, every time I call on someone after dark, I always say the same thing. Did you send for an exorcist i always say that when i'm standing at the door sure enough there are certain things i but there used to be a i saw a performance poet and he told a story about he was selling something i think on ebay or

ebay probably didn't exist then but he was selling it in a local paper and he was phoned by a Yorkshireman and this poet was called David a Yorkshireman called everyone who was called David Davos it's a Yorkshire thing and he said he phoned me a few times and because I live

in a student house different people answered the phone he said so when he finally got me he said now then Davos dost that live in a commune and uh and then this performance poet started going now then davos now then davos now then davis was living in a community got the whole audience to do it so i i used to do that with dave all the time driving Anyway, so I turned up and the purpose of my visit was for us to watch the new

Fantasy Football League. Oh, that's so adorable. Songs, us. Songs, cameras. Yeah. Yeah. I said we should film this.

This would be good on the on the internet. Beavis and Butthead. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Of us watching it.

Did you instinctively assume your original couch position? No, we did exactly that. I didn't realise that until about halfway through, but we sat, we always sit in a certain way. Badil and Skinner left to right, like Ant and Deck always stand in the certain way, the deal and Skinner left to right, like, and Deck always stand in the same way. And Phil and Holly,

they were there. I mean, they'd been there since half seven. Anyway, I'll tell you what happened. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were just talking about

the Phil and Holly thing We talk about the chair on this show So someone's in the drinking chair And someone's in the bad temper chair I don't know if there was anyone In the queue jumping chair before I think they've had to have a new chair built It's a double

Like a kissing chair You know when you're facing each other But so unwise to skip a cue, the least British thing, during perhaps the most British day. Yes. Such a terrible combo. Well, we don't know. We're still given the benefit of the doubt

that they weren't on some sort of journalistic mission. The trouble is it's too funny to not give them the benefit of the doubt. But, yeah, Pierre was saying was uh saying i'm trying to get you set to say basically we were talking about how people remember those things forever that's what you're some one of you mentioned paddy ashdown the former liberal and as soon as you said it i thought he was in the sas it was like the thing that was said about him can you tell your paddy Ash? Because this is a very good example.

I think it was a young Paddy Ashdown canvassing around for liberal votes. And he came across a cottage with an ancient woman in it who refused to vote for the liberals because they'd abandoned Gordon in Khartoum. Which is a Victorian military campaign. Exactly. And a film with Chuck Heston. Oh. Yeah, playing Gordon, playing General Gordon.

But yeah, my dad wouldn't vote Labour because his reason was if you put a beggar on horseback they'll ride into hell. Now,

this is not something you hear on many party political broadcasts. But that was it. His idea was that we Ospoor people, we didn't know we couldn't govern. But if Liz Truss

came out with that, it wouldn't be the worst thing she's come out with. No, incredibly. It'd be a poetic turn for her. She has my support. Do you know, I think that would be... It was a Truss joke. We got it. Frank, I think that would be... It was a trot joke. We got it.

Frank, I think that would be a great slogan for the party political broadcast. Yeah, they should go for it. There was another one he used to say. Anyway, I can't remember the other one. Frank, when you said that you were showing up at David Baddiel's house at 9.45pm, the level of specificity was such that I thought,

here we go, an alibi. Yes. It really does sound that, doesn't it? Why else would you? Anyway, we got settled down to watch fantasy football. I need a little bit more detail. Did he make you tea? How does it work with you two?

Does he say cup of tea? Well, actually, Mawena, I'm going to call her his a good lady wife 1952 she made tea yeah i'll make you gentlemen some beverages so we set ourselves down a bit i felt a bit like you know sir alex ferguson likes to sit in the the stands at man united games and whenever the camera cuts to him he's talking to a bloke next to him. And you think, yeah, I know. I know what you're saying.

Something derogatory, you just know. Anyway, we sat down and we watched it. In case you don't know, Fantasy Football League, which is something that me and David Baddiel used to do in the 90s and beyond, I think, is now hosted by new people. Are you going to mention the new people? Yes, it was...

Rhys and Matt are doing it now. Ellis, isn't it? Oh. Oh, no, sorry, Ellis. Sorry, I get the Welsh comics mixed up. I thought it was Max Boyce. Anyway, the truth was, it was good. Was it?

It's now getting roundy. Now, I'm not saying... That's annoying. No, you know what? We did like it, and it was quite a nice thing. I'm not saying if it had been terrible, we wouldn't have liked that, because we would have liked it, but in a different way.

So we came out liking it, and I didn't wake up in the night thinking oh i feel better about that um feel bad about the fact that i you know so it was good we laughed and also um and we love those two two I don't know and they've got a stator who does jokes which I wasn't we never thought of that but now it was good I gotta say it was good you should you should check it out I can't believe I got Ellis's name wrong. Don't ever forgive me. Oh, it's all right. Oh, man. There is a Rhys James, isn't there? Yes, there is, yeah. Oh, well, I'm 65. Exactly.

God, if I was old enough to remember stuff like that, I'd still be doing it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. OK, so what's your feeling on advertising? Can you ever think of an example of advertising which really has drawn you in and made you buy something or do something? Because I had an experience recently when I always felt that advertising sort of washes over me.

But someone said to me about TV advertising that if you think TV doesn't have an influence on people, try and get a snooker table during the World Championships on the telly, and you just can't. It's all right. And I think it's the same with tennis courts during Wimbledon. Yeah.

So anyway, I saw an advert for Monster Munch. And it said that Monster... How were the 70s? No, this is a recent campaign. Do give them my love. No, this is a very modern campaign because it says, Monster Munch, each packet less than 100 calories. And I thought, hold on.

Hold on. Is that all you get in a packet? I felt like I'd been given some fabulous free pass to junk food. Since then, I can honestly say I have eaten more Monster Munch in the last three weeks than I've eaten in my whole life. I just think, wow, this is just is it won't do any harm. So all it took was for someone to sort of say that you know

Monster Munch is harmless. Well they didn't actually say that. I mean I don't know what else is in Monster Munch I'll wait for that campaign to come up. But no so that's my snack food of choice now.

I'm trying to think of the last time I was really sort of credulously absorbed by an advert, but I'm not sure. But certainly there are some jingles from childhood that are stuck in my head forever. That's definitely true. I think I definitely, it influenced what drink I first started ordering, alcoholic beverage, when I was old enough. And I can remember, I'd heard of Cinzano because of Joan Collins, who featured in,

I think it was in the 70s or 80s. With Leonard Rossiter. Very good for him. And the narrative of the ad was them on a plane and did he keep repeatedly spilling alcohol over her? I think there were different ones. I think every time he spilled. So he would say,

Oh, my God! And all that stuff. And she'd be appalled by him just generally. And then he'd spill Cinzano Bianco on it. Yeah, it was Cinzano. But I remember it was the way, and I thought Joan Collins was just my idol, and I thought, oh, I'd love to order that in a bar when I go in.

And I can say it like her and say, I'll have a Cinzano Bianco, please. Yeah, well, that's what I'm like in the local newsagents there with Monster Munch. Did you specify a flavour, Frank? I do apologise if I forget. If anyone says to me, like, with crisps or something, what flavour do you want?

I will occasionally, if I'm feeling fussy, I'll say not barbecue. Because I think barbecue tastes a bit like back of the fridge dust. Yeah. But do you say that to the vendor? Because I find it helps to be more specific. No, I say in pubs and that, I'll say any, just choose a flavour and I'll eat it.

They hate that. Yeah. They're not paid to make decisions. Well, can you guess what I say when I ask for crisps? Go on. Well, I think you might. Oh, no cheese or chive, no chive or onion. Yeah, I missed, yeah. So is it the pickled onion? Do you favour that one? well I think you might oh no cheese or chive no chive or onion yeah

I missed yeah so is it the pickled onion do you favour that one the monster munch I just honestly

I just I don't even know what colour is it I just know there's less than 100 calories you just spin the roulette wheel

what they've done with their calories is their business I don't know what flavour they've concocted from them. He's fine. But look at me, I'm slim as a rake

and I'm living on Monster Munch virtually. They call me Eminem now locally. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. A lot of our readers are very excited that Ian Brodie is coming in. Oh, go tell Ian Brodie. Ian Robson, Eamon Dolan, he's coming home. Lucky you.

Very fabulous. He's thrilled. He's a popular lad. I should damn well hope so. I was raving about it. I haven't forgiven him since Gordon and Cartoon. Yeah, exactly. He should have done that.

He should have done more. I don't think he's quite that old here. We'll find out. We'll ask him if he was involved in Cartoon. I wouldn't have thought he was. Have we heard from Alfresco? Yes, we have. Alfresco? Yes, we have, Pierre Alfresco de Monde

We have 6002 texts in saying Just googled Pierre to put a face to a voice Fortunately, he looks just like my mate Tim from the pub So it's quite easy Martin Oh, that's good, isn't it? Oh, what do you think?

Oh, I hope Tim's nice looking Tim, I What do you mean? How could he not be? Well caught, Frank hope Tim's nice looking. What do you mean? How could he not be? Well caught, Frank. Thanks very much. I juggled it a bit, but I got there. Out else?

Is that out else? Well, it's a lot of people. I mean, I have to say, Ian's a popular lad, Frank. Maybe we should have... People are just glad we've got a guest. Just a break from it all do you think people wish we did have guests I don't know we should have a vote on whether we should have guests the trouble is if you have guests every week you end up having rubbish guests is that right yeah you'll

eventually you just have ones you like I think that's the way to do it. Yeah, okay. Never commit. That's my motto. Not actually my motto, but you never know. Oh, by the way. Oh, sorry. No, no, no, no, no.

Ladies first. Afrae-vu. We've heard from Martin Cheek. Oh, yes. Hi, Frank, Emily and hopefully Pierre. I love that Richard Curtis film. Yeah. Knowing how much you like museums and exhibitions,

I thought you might like to hear about the Small Films exhibition currently showing at the Canterbury Museum. And what I like is that Small Films is in little marks, little quote marks. Oh, OK. It features artwork from all the small film series, including Noggin the Nog, which was inspired by your old friends, the Lewis Chess set pieces.

Yes. It's also a very good program in its own right. Yes. But also, the other reason Martin Cheek's getting in touch, Oliver Postgate lived in Broadstairs. Oliver Postgate was the brains behind Noggin the Nog. Oh. Where I currently abide.

Broadstairs, okay. When he died, we were able to get a blue plaque for his former house. Plaque? I know, should I say plaque? I don't like plaque. I didn't know even posse people said plaque. I don't think they do. Okay.

I didn't know even posh people said plaque. I don't think they do. OK. His partner commissioned me to make a mosaic of the clangers to accompany the plaque. What? The plaque. I didn't know that Martin Cheap was a mosaicist. OK.

So you're attached. You've got a lovely image of it. I think he did the Humpty Dumpty mosaic that followed him falling off the wall. The surgeon? Yeah, exactly. And I think this might be someone you'll get on as well. In a previous life, I had the opportunity to animate the clangers.

Well, they were animated, weren't they? I used to be a puppet, yeah. And Martin Cheek animated the clangers. That's my message to Martin Cheek animated the clangers. That's my message to Martin Cheek. But Martin says, because we've talked about puppets a lot, the puppets were a bit crotchety. I love that expression. What do you mean, ill-tempered?

Not musical. Divas. Not having moved for many years. Oh, they had got the originals out there. But I managed to get them to perform to the satisfaction of the BBC producer. OK. What about the soup dragon? What was he like? Did you meet Dracula on your noggin shoot?

A tell-all memoir. Oh, that would be great about the Postgate years. You could call it Postgategate. Frank Skinner Absolute Radio You may be familiar with Ruth Jordan, who's one of our regular correspondents.

Firstly, Ruth says she's got a question for Ian when he comes in. Maybe we'll save that up. Ruth also has pointed out something which hadn't even occurred to me I think it's a fabulous point did Martin Cheek

mean the clangers puppets were crotchety or crochet tea so perhaps I mispronounced it maybe it was a crochet reference because maybe if you're doing a mosaic of something that's been crocheted,

it's quite hard to get the texture on tile. Yes, without a sort of infinitely small number of little bits of mosaic. Oh, God, you don't want it. It's not worth it for the... I mean, God bless the clangus, but... Whilst we're on the crochet, which we are now,

I found myself Googling something this week, and I thought, how extraordinary. I was Googling strawberry cardigan crochet pattern, and I realised I wanted to make myself a strawberry cardigan. But you're going to knit it or crochet it. Crochet it, I thought. I googled it. That won't happen.

Can I just say that won't happen? I don't think it will, but what was difficult, Frank, was that as I was googling it, I thought I've gone so far beyond the point at which this is cool and ironic, the crochet and the knitting. It's all right for these Tom Daley young ones.

It's all, oh, isn't it cool? Yeah. They do knitting. At this stage, it's... There's no irony left it's no irony it's getting a little that's just that's just uh emily knows help is on its way middle-aged woman knitting i'm afraid it is in the same way that i can't eat where there's originals anymore no i couldn't you know it comes to us all piet it doesn't feel like it will. It does. No more crocheting once you get to a certain age, dear.

Well, I've had to get rid of all my beige. Oh, yes. Well, you know, you can still get them at the I Have Given Up shop, which is, you know, I prefer. Well, of course, you absolutely do. Can I say, Emily's wearing a fabulous cardigan today. And she came in and said, what do you think of this cardigan facing me? And I said, I's wearing a fabulous cardigan today. And she came in and said, what do you think of this cardigan facing me? And I said, I love that cardigan.

It looks really classy. It's got a sort of English cricket. It's got covered buttons, which is one of my, it's my favourite button. And then she turned around with something which maybe we'll put up on social media. Save it as a big reveal. But on the subject of clothing, I'm wearing a jacket today,

which I have had for nearly, I've had it for 15 years anyway. And I can honestly say I've never decided whether it's a terrible jacket or a sort of brilliant jacket. I'll tell you. Thanks. whether it's a terrible Jackie or a sort of brilliant Jackie. I'll tell you. Thanks. Well, I'm thinking of posting it, and perhaps we'll hold your opinion a little,

because you're a bit of an influencer. Are you one of those influencers? You're an influencer, Pia. I don't think so. I'm more of a, I'm an affluencer. You know what I think is they have micro and micro and macro influences do they really according yeah so people who um influence people who go to macro the wholesale market i hope there are people who do that no i'm going to put up a picture i genuinely would like to know my partner i have to say hates it it. Does she? And, of course, being Kat, she says things like

it's the worst jacket she's ever seen in her life. She's unable to have any sort of nuanced response to anything. But I'd love to love it, but it's... In fairness, something being the worst thing someone's ever seen is quite a thing in itself, I mean. Yeah, but would you want to be wearing it? I'd definitely keep it on that basis. Yeah, but would you want to be wearing it? I'd definitely keep it on that basis.

Yeah, well, I'd sell it, sell it to the... I'm worried about how to compose... The worst thing museum. Oh, I'd love a work... Why doesn't Kath

set that up? I'd be in partner. She would be good. The worst things ever museum. Don't send in things that should be. Let's try, let's keep life positive.

Yeah. I would like to know if anyone like me has been really influenced by advertising in the past. Yeah. I've been monster munched. And it's all right. Didn't mind it. Well, there's that Henry Ford quote,

half my money I spend on advertising is wasted I just wish I knew which half oh that is a good can I say we were like the two slightly

that was good the less intelligent friends in the room it took us about two seconds we were the really clever person and then

oh can I say by the way a big thank you this morning to my phone, which is still looking, apparently. I never asked. It's still looking for possible exposures on my behalf. I have no idea why I just keep getting this message up.

So if there's any flashes out there, watch out. Oh, God. My phone's after you. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Ian Brodie will be joining us from 10am.

But presumably, now we've put a time on it, which is always a mistake will be joining us from 10am but that presumably now we've put a time on it which is always a mistake when you're on the other on the Decade channels it'll be 11 won't it I said that as if it was a casual observance of course it was a reprimand dressed up as a casual observance

nevertheless so yes you can text our show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show, free, brackets, via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Frank. Ho, ho. I think it's fair to say people have quite strong opinions

on the jacket you're wearing this morning. Can I establish, I put up a picture of a jacket that I own and I know people, you know, on radio, there's a lot of desperate characters on radio and they're trying all sorts of things for textings but this is something I genuinely want to know what the word on the street is on this jackie i really i cannot decide and that's honestly from the heart i'm not doing this just as some sort of comic contrivance yeah um we've i mean i don't

know where to begin so i will anyway vicky pervs it's the shade. Looks like caramel shortcake. Is that a bad thing? Blonde chocolate? My favourite. Blondie. I'm not passing any judgement. Someone else has compared the shade to woven earwax. Oh, man.

It's vivid. Justin of Earlwood. Oh, one of my favourite titles. Justin of Earlwood. It, one of my favourite titles. Justin of Earlwood. It just keeps picking me up. Isn't Earlwood one of the Blues Brothers? Justin of Earlwood, he looks like the seat of a triumph stag. Is that about the jacket or just me?

No, because the triumph stag, I think, it was a specific colour to the seat, which I can remember. It's just sort of brown. I thought it was just out of very thin necks. I'm giving my head a sort of headrest. A lot of people, including Mandy Tame Wellborn, thanks for the tip,

it's a bit Bodie and Doyle. A lot of people making Bodie and Doyle references. Bodie and Doyle, of course. You would have looked ace in 1977. A lot of people, both positive and Doyle references. You would have looked ace in 1977. A lot of people, both positive and negative sides of the aisle, making a Starsky and Hutch reference as well. No, Bodie and Doyle was the professionals. No, but also Starsky and Hutch.

We were getting all the duos. There's no cop show uncovered here. Okay, every cop show has been thrown in the mix. Would you say, generally speaking, it was positivity or negativity? I would rather not say. Oh. Claire Cowley says,

no income tax, no guarantee. That's her. Oh, brilliant. That's a very good way of putting it. Yeah, that made me laugh. And also, of course, could be the current government's mantra oh man oh does it look like that you know i mean i've seen it before

oh you have seen it before because i suppose you have done so occasionally i get i want to have two or three days where i think no actually i do like it and then i'll lose my nerve the important thing is you like it well no that says no one ever no fashion industry no but also i'm not sure i do that's my problem i think it's one of the rare... You know when I said I bought Monster Munch on the strength of an advert? Yeah. By the way, I'm not...

Did they come in the pocket of that jacket? I've said Monster Munch a lot this morning. Don't send me any free Monster Munch or anything. I can afford Monster Munch. Just because I'm not doing fantasy football, don't think I can't get my own snacks. I'm going to fantasy football. I don't think I can't get my own snacks. I'll show you. I'll reveal to you guys.

I did some label purchasing, right? Oh, dear. Yeah, so here's the label. I'm showing them the label. It's a big E and a big I. Yeah. Right. Mean anything to you?

Eamon Andrews. Yes, Eamon Andrews wore this jacket. I remember the valley of the shifting, whispering sands when I was visiting one of the northern states. Yes, in case you don't know Eamon Andrews, he did one of the best things that ever happened in boxing commentaries. Who did he?

He commentated on amateur boxing night on the television. You see a lot of ABA stuff in those days. He commentated on the first two fights and then he fought in the third one and commentated on the fourth one. Anyway, it's E.I. Emporio Armani. Is it? Yeah, who'd have thought?

Not me. So, it's got the label, it's just I'm not sure if it's got the style. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I saw an interesting survey done. You know, there's some surveys you see in the paper,

and you think, why would anyone bother to do that? But I saw one that was, I thought, actually, this is interesting. It's all about, I suppose, how we judge ourselves. And firstly, to thine own self be true, as Polonius said in Hamlet. Yes. And they asked a series of adults here and in the United States how they'd fancy the chances against various members of the animal kingdom. Fighting, you mean?

Yeah, fighting. Yes. Can I say, before we go any further, my money's on Pierre all the way, Frank. All of these bats, every animal he would beat. If there was a wild animal in the corridor, it would be Pierre who went out, certainly. Also, he's from Africa, so, you know... He understands how they operate.

My dream is to live up to the sort of Crocodile Dundee idea that I've got some kind of... FYI, someone just compared your coat to the sort of Crocodile Dundee idea. FYI, someone just compared your coat to the sort of thing, Crocodile Dundee's sofa. Anyway, back to you. Okay, well, I... Well, at least he's not Crocodile Skin. I hope not Crocodile Dundee. I'd fancy...

Crocodile was one of the animals listed, and I think you've always got a chance with a crocodile because of the... Don't be silly. The stick tactic. You know that? Yes. When you see people have wedged a stick in the crocodile's mouth

so it can't close its jaws. Now, I don't know where this originates from. I've seen it in many different manifestations. Yeah. So I think if you're in crocodile country, maybe sport a cane would be a good idea. And as soon as a crocodile approaches, once it's wedged in, you can mock it to your heart's content. Now, crocodiles, they're the real demons

because alligators aren't quite so bad. Is that right? Yeah, I think crocodiles, they're the real demons, because alligators aren't quite so bad. Is that right? Yeah, I think crocodiles, they're the real satanic ones. Alligators are less aggressive, I believe. Really? I thought that was just an allegation. No, because there was a specific Australian camp, it was after I left, but it was called Crocwise. Be Crocwise.

Okay. You know, that's what you get. But crocodiles are definitely worse, I seem to recall. I do know that, I'm pretty sure it's crocodiles, but the force of their bite is in the down motion. That's where all the muscle is. And to open their mouth, they just use sort of almost one small tendon. So you could hold their mouth shut with an index finger and thumb.

Really? You see, Frank, this is what we need on board with us. He knows all the technicalities. What I need is one of those clips that you put on packets of pasta and stuff to keep it. One the crocodile approaches, got to put the clip on the end and then back in the cupboard. Yes, and they'll be fresh.

I don't want them fresh. I don't want them anything. Box fresh crocodile tongue. I don't know if people eat that. Do you know there have been instances where people have befriended them? Now, and you've heard of things like well you know

he stayed loyal to this crop keeper for years and he was there was a lovely relationship is it though how could you ever trust them again i could never open up my heart well there was a man somewhere in the north of england and they found a crocodile and um i think it was some sort of wild, like a dingo or something, in his flat, which he'd been keeping them as pets. And he said when he was questioned, it said in the paper, he said, you know, I love that, I've loved that crocodile, it's very special to me.

And I always thought that poor dinger must have read that and thought not a mention I've lived in a council flat in the north with him and a crocodile and now

and now the truth is out horrible Horrible. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about people fighting other species. Yes. This is all hypothetical. Amongst British men, I think I've got this statistic correct. I'm just including men. I did include women in the survey.

statistic correct i'm just including men they did include women in the in the survey but one in five british men feel that they could beat a chimpanzee in a hand-to-hand combat one in five yeah that's too hard do you think they're thinking of the the pg tips chimps no uh yes i think well it's so polite i think i, I could get that. There's one in ten, is it, Frank? Or maybe that's women. I think that's including women. Oh, just the men. Just the men, it's one in five.

Be honest, Frank. What would your chances be? Be totally honest. As someone who doesn't drink, I'm a bit wary of taking them on. If they'd asked me in the old days I'd have said yeah

I like two two chips you can always of course if it's things are going bad with the chip you can also suddenly slap

their bomb and it works like the buzzer on Britain's Got Talent the whole thing stops immediately no

I would be well let me quote Jan Garen I think immediately. The thing is... I would be... Let me quote Jan Garen, I think is her name. And I'm presuming it's a lady, Jan. Oh, I thought it was a Danish man or something. And she works... What would it make? She works

for the Wales Ape and Monkey Sanctuary. Busy, are we? Yeah. When I say Wales, I yes the country of Wales it's not like it's not like a sanctuary which include they didn't they? Exactly. Wales wasn't on the list actually. Anyway she was told

that all these people, some women but a great many men think they could beat a chimpanzee and she said they would stand no chance. That was the first thing. Bit disloyal, Jan, if you don't mind me saying.

If this escalates into an out-and-out warfare, I think Jan will have to be imprisoned. In a Planet of the Apes-style scenario, she's a potential collaborator. She is. Exactly. Treason. This is treason, Jan.

I'm struggling to move on from a bit disloyal, Jan. I think it is. I'm disloyal to your species. Anyway, this is what she said. She said chimps. One thing she said, which I don't altogether agree with. She says people forget that chimps can bite. I have not forgotten that. My first thought of biting a chimp was, oh, I worry about the teeth element. Well, unless you arrange for them to get veneers or something, they get very bad fangs. Do they really?

Have you not seen the fangs? They don't show you those in the PG Tips. No. It's that thing when they open their mouth very wide and go and then you get it very

the cheapest way of course would be to send the chimps to Turkey for turkey teeth that's the only way you can really well

one of us sort of only wears Essex veneers yes yeah TV ready chimps but this let me quote her

she says chimps go for the eyes and then the hands. Do they? That's what they do. I've found if you fight school children, they tend to go head and shoulders, knees and toes. But they all have their tactics.

Yeah. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Drewis Jordan, talking about the chimp's teeth reminded me of Frank's brilliant story of a horse biting him in slow motion. I know that wasn't strictly a fight against another species,

but I think it's fair to say Frank did lose. Yes, I did. And I noticed, I don't think horses were on the list for this I don't think anyone had really fancied their chances taking on a horse maybe Mongo in Blazing Saddles

if you remember hits a horse on the chin and knocks it out yes I fancy my chances against an elephant now that's a mistake you've got that you've misjudged that. I'll tell you why. I'm not strictly, I'm not talking about sort of,

you know, combat here. I think you could reason with these people because I feel they're very intelligent and they're innately quite decent. So you could maybe, I think they're quite conflict avoided decent. So you could maybe... I think they're quite conflict-avoided.

I think you could talk them down from the fight and forget about that with the crocodile. Do you see what I mean? What you need is a mouse in a small box. Is that... Any elephants, is that an urban myth? I don't know. Any elephant trainers?

I was once allowed into an elephant house by what I would call a rogue keeper. I was impressed by what was then I might call my celebrity, and I was letting with my girlfriend at the time. Strange things you used your celebrity for. Yeah, well, he offered. I didn't go and ask. He offered you what he had, which is access to an elephant.

Access to the elephant head. Did he come up to you on the street no he said i was at the zoo evil character and dumbo i won't say we'd do i was looking at an eco marvel and says oh frank's gonna blah blah do you want to uh do you want to go some elephant tout so um we went in and the elephants surrounded us and they got closer and closer. I could feel the tree bark like trunks of them. Yeah. And it started to get a bit frightening.

So I foolishly thought I'd just be able to push them back and they wouldn't move. And they were getting in closer and closer. My girlfriend at the time was becoming very alarmed, as was I. And we could hear this bloke going, and all that sort of stuff. Oh, no. And eventually a small gap formed and we scampered out.

But, God, the pulses in my neck were throbbing. The moral of this story is I wouldn't take on the elephants if I was you. They're very good at standing their ground. I know. I've still, I cannot think of anything that could be, that Pierre couldn't defeat. I honestly think, Frank, I would fancy Pierre's chances with a cheetah, lion, gorilla.

I think you've got Antoine Combat mixed up with a pub quiz yes we were talking about man v chimp I have to admit I mean man humankind v chimp yes

I have to admit embarrassingly given the jokes about me taking on wild animals You are four. No, but my uncle I remember

during that song I went, oh hang on my uncle Peter has chased a lion away in his life. Can you give him

my number? Yes. Was he armed? He was armed with a car jack That he waved above his head Can I say I'm obsessed by Uncle Peter? Yeah

Oh, carrying a car jack round with him? You sure it wasn't a Jaguar? That deserves something A little something A horn, I'll accept anything Something Okay, I'll automate this You Something. Okay, yeah. I'll automate this. You're simply the best.

There we go. You can't go that far. You took it quite far there. Yeah, exactly. Well, you know, if the window opens. Yes. So what... What happened and what was the upshot of...

Also, what clothes was he wearing at the time? Ooh. Piss helmet. Yeah. I'm seeing the safari... Cocky helmet. I'm seeing a safari bogged down safari jacket. I'm hoping a sort of quick fitter overall. Get out of here. Get out of the garage. I mean, I'm hoping it's your classic safari.

It probably wasn't far off that. I'm not sure, actually. For clarity and context, my Uncle Peter was an ecologist. My Uncle Peter married Sue Paul. You've got to earn your ecologist PhD by, in his case, endlessly tracking

a particular antelope. Oh, I see. Is he a bit Indiana Jones parent? Uncle Peter? Yeah. I see him in a study, Frank. He learns languages for fun, so I don't know Indiana Jones parents? Uncle Peter. Yeah. So what do you mean? I see him in a study, Frank. He learns languages for fun,

so I don't know how much of a natural adventurer he is. So Uncle Peter picked an antelope and then followed that for a long period. This is a while ago, but even in those days,

they managed to sort of put radio trackers on animals and kind of follow their migration patterns. So he just followed that one animal? This animal was the main one, yeah. These trackers were animals and kind of follow their migration patterns. So it just followed that one animal? This animal was the main one, yeah. These trackers were quite expensive.

It was part of a herd, you know, it wasn't a particularly individualistic creature. No, because there was that ecologist, Vlad the Impala, who just followed one. Sorry, I'm sorry. If you had to follow one animal, which one would you pick, do you think?

I think the bear. Do you? No, not the bear. This is an advert for follow the bear, in case anyone... I know you know. You know everything. If I was going to follow one animal... For knowledge's sake or for fun?

Like following a band? Or just what animal, if you've got to sort of join it on its adventures essentially. You've got to think about where you'd like to be. Because also you're getting involved

in its social life as well. Urban fox would be interesting. Yeah. Maybe a curlew then you get international travel.

Yes. The narwhal. Oh the narwhal. No they're too. No, they're two. I imagine they're quite spiky. Frank, I just want to quickly share this with you. I'm weighing up whether we've got the time. Okay.

Can I? I'm going to go quickly, okay? Okay. Frank, I was in a team meeting at work. I live in Paris, and as it often happens, when there's an English-speaking person in the attendees, the French speak English. At the end of the meeting instead of the usual adieu,

the guy said, if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. I whooped and clapped, then noticed the absolute confusion on my co-workers faces. You know when you're the only person getting the joke and you're like, come on! Am I the only one who got that? I later Skyped the guy and said, I know when you're the only person getting the joke and you're like, come on! Am I the only one who got that?

I later Skyped the guy and said, I see what you did there. We laughed and he said, I've been saying this for years and you're the first one to get the reference. And there was a lot of praise for Frank in there that I've redacted. Well done, Frank and team. Les Français vous écoutons. Nice.

I love it when you talk French. Do you remember that in the original Addams Family? Yes. That was a great bit. We have Ian Brodie with us. Now, if this was Steve Wright in the afternoon, a great show that shouldn't have been removed, everyone would do this.

This is what you do when you get a guest on. And when I was a guest on there, I would applaud as well just to thicken it up. Ian, it's great to see you. Hello. It's lovely to be here. It's a beautiful place. I think of, you know, all in black with the shades.

He'd gone very Roy Orbison in later life. Do you know what? If there was one thing you were going to go in later life, you'd want it to be royal. Yes. I'll take that. Oh, man. I have recorded with Ian in the past,

and there is a thing. I don't know if I've ever said this, but me and David Baddiel are singing, and then Ian sings a bit, and you just think, oh, it's great when you hear the proper guys do it. And I was looking at your press release and this is what it says that Ian has been a professional

musician for 33 years Wow did you know that I didn't know that no I know it is with your musicians. Do you remember any of those years? Yeah, it does feel like I'm comfortable in the role now. It took me a little bit of a while to be... I never think of myself as a musician. I've always thought of myself as a writer, someone who writes and then figures out how to play it in the eventually kind of thing.

Because a musician gives the impression that you're, you know, a master of your, a master of your art there, you know what I mean? Oh, I don't know. There's a lot of people calling themselves comedians that you wouldn't put in that category. So when you, did you, I've never asked you about how you started out. Was it the classic sort of start a band by a van, bang around? Kind of. I mean, it was a bit of a strange beginning, actually.

So I had a guitar and I wanted to be a musician in a band. And I suppose, I don't know why I had my guitar with me, but it was a rainy day in Liverpool. And I was wandering around an area of the city that was then quite deserted, which was Matthew Street, where the cavern was. Oh, God, this is like a movie, isn't it? It's raining, Ian's got his guitar cases next to the cavern. And it was pretty much deserted.

It was like a waste ground and cobbled streets. And I just came across this warehouse and it's it did kind of change my life and there's a warehouse and on the side it was written the liverpool school of music dream art and pun and i was kind of standing what is that you know and this irish guy was outside and he said why don't you come in and have a cup of tea and i was like are you allowed to do that he said. So I went in and there was a guy called Ken Campbell. Oh, God, yeah. And he was...

Was that the director? Well, he was a performer as well. Very important, independent theatre guy. And he decided... And it was in the golden age of the everyman in Liverpool where a lot of actors who did pretty well were there. And I kind of went in and he decided he wanted to stage a play outside London and not in a theatre.

And he thought this warehouse, and they'd opened this warehouse kind of in the hope that it would just be a creative space. And he decided he was going to do a play called The Illuminatus Trilogy. And by the time I kind of left there, I was in the play as the guitar player, in the play. Wow! The stage manager was a guy called Bill Drummond, and then I ended up in a band with Bill and a girl called Jane who was there.

And so I suddenly went into this weird world that I've yet to come out of, really. Yeah, I never knew that. And Ken Campbell was very alternative and he worked with Sylvester McCoy and stuff. In the days when Sylvester McCoy's act included him knocking a six-inch nail up his nostril. He didn't ask you to make me do that. We're going to play on Absolute Radio,

not on our Decade channels for various reasons I won't go into. We're going to play your new single, which we'll talk about after. This is The Lightning Seeds with, wait for it, Emily Smiles. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I once went round your house, Ian, and you'd got an enormous box set of Beach Boys stuff. I think it was, would it be Pet Sounds? Pet Sounds from every possible angle, I think.

Yeah, and Ian was playing this, and it was just these voices going... And there was nothing else on it. It was just that sort of outtake. And when I heard this thing, I thought it definitely stuck, didn't it? Because it's got that Beach Boys feel, would you agree? Yeah, I mean, I was a bit obsessed with all those Beach Boys tapes for a couple of years, you know, and I do love the sound of harmonies.

You know, I love doo-wop, really, and I love all those. You must love working with me and Dave. Frank, can I ask a question? I hope this isn't awkward for you. Ian, be completely honest. I feel you will, because you're a scouser. What did you... When you first heard Frank and David sing,

was it sort of one of those moments where you're mentally thinking, OK, I can work with okay, I can work with him I can work with him, what was your impression of their voices? I thought it was going to be great, honestly I thought it was going to be great and they were very different, you know Yeah, they were

and so yeah, I suppose you know, I would have had my producer hat on, and I would have thought you know, this, yeah, this is going to and you know, I can sit this my producer hat on and I would have thought you know, this, yeah, this is going to and you know, I can sit this there and I can sit this there and I haven't changed my mind, it was great and they sound great. See?

I find that quite touching, that answer Yeah, I mean, it wasn't true but it was touching Now, Emily Smiles, you wrote with Terry Hall from the specials. Yeah. How do you find co-writing?

You know, W.H. Auden said when you co-write anything, it's like being on a tandem. You almost think you're the one who's doing most of the peddling. That's a good quote, though. Yeah. Is it all right? Is it easy going? Well, I'm doing most of the peddling, you know.

But how does it all right? Is it easy going? Well, I'm doing most of the pedalling, you know. But how does it work out? Did you sit in a room or do you sing? Yeah, yeah. No, I don't really... I can only really co-write with people I know in general. I like to know someone. And we did, we sat around a couple of times for a couple of afternoons and sang it on the acoustic

and talked about what it would be and sort of of ended up you know with with the lyric and did you agree generally yeah i think we agree to change things okay you know so it's it's a you must have that with dave you know you sort of you agree but then you kind of agree to change something yeah when we used to we had a rule when we used to write together that if someone said no no i really don't like that you had to leave it you couldn't really argue back but i'm not saying there wasn't a lot of bubbling resentment but you know um so emily smiles is from your new album it is which is called uh see you in the stars yeah. And it's out on October the 14th. I've heard it.

I've had a bit of a preview, I'll be honest with you. And I emailed you about this. It was incredibly... We've all got COVID now for me and Brodie. It's very uplifting. The whole thing is unashamedly positive, which is not always that popular in popular music, if you know what I mean.

I think it's hard to do that. It's easier some ways to write a softer song, you know what I mean, or a sad song, although it's quite hard to write a sad song that's uplifting. But I think it's a bit more challenging because if you try and write something positive and up, you can slip into vacuous or, you know, a bit trite, you know. So it's a bit of a minefield.

So it's kind of a challenge, I think, to get something that's up but not, you know. Can I just say, I think Three Lions is an example of a song that is sad, a sad song that is uplifting. Thank you. Bittersweet. Well, bittersweet well bittersweet that's the brody brand but what i'm saying is it's sort of well i suppose what i mean is it's sort of

cynicism free the album is what i felt which is i found that um uplifting i wanted it to be quite open and quite direct i think sometimes i can get a bit shy when I'm doing my own albums and, you know, sort of, like, say something and then cover it up a little bit with a bit of music or something. And I felt I didn't want to do that. I wanted it to be more direct and... Yeah, I mean, hopefully, what you said, you know, open. Well, I'll tell you what I said.

I said it sounds like Buddy Holly would have sounded if he'd lived long enough to be influenced by the Beatles. It's the nicest thing anyone's ever, ever said about anything I've ever done. Well, let's stick with that. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Has anyone ever charted what's the most popular name in the world

and then put that in a song to sell lots of copies? Yeah, that's probably not a bad idea. Write it down. I write it down. You know when Robbie Williams did Let Me Entertain You, you thought, surely he's done that so it'll be over montages

of various things on the telly on this morning or something of course you had that you had Life for Riley was used on Match of the Day for ages

it was but it wasn't you know at the time it really suited it but it was at first I was because obviously

it was written about waiting for Riley to be born and then finished off when he was born. So it couldn't have been further away from football, really, but it was great when they used it. What's that when a goal is born? Sorry? When a goal is born.

Have you considered it? Very similar. When you score it. Yeah, you know, there's a build-up, a bit of movement, a bit of action. And then there's a massive celebration, cigars all around. And life begins, yes. Have you considered writing a song

about gradually getting better at boxing? Gradually getting better at boxing? Why? For montages. Oh, yes, of course. We could write a song later, we could get the most popular name in every sport. Frank, this is a bit awkward,

but I do need to ensure that we ask Ian's opinion on something. Is it my jacket? I'm afraid it is. Do you want to handle this? Okay. I want to wrangle it. My jacket has been on display this morning. I genuinely want to know what people think of it.

Ian, be honest with me. I know you lied about me and David singing, but what about my jacket? What do you think? I think it's a cool jacket. You know, it's evocative. It's certainly evocative in very many ways. Why is Ian losing his voice when he talking trying to say he likes your jacket

I'd love to talk more about your jacket but my voice is totally I don't know what's happening he's such a diplomat he should have got into politics Brodie so you've got so the album comes out as I say

See You In The Stars October the 14th but you're also on tour yes with Badly Drawn Boy yeah I'm a big fan of Badly Drawn Boy so I was thrilled I think we'll compliment

each other really well you know on the evening and it's great to actually do a tour I'm not that prolific releasing albums so it's been 13 years I think since the last one not that prolific so

it's great because we get to play all the songs everyone likes to hear, but a few new ones as well, a couple of new ones, a couple of songs we don't usually play. I think, you know, I'm really looking forward to it. How do you handle, do you play Three Lions on your tour? We do sometimes, yeah. So who, when you say sometimes? Do you do all the vocals do you do all the vocals I do all the vocals

yeah we have a hologram of you yeah did you know about that no no one told me about the hologram surely I should have been asked in the jacket

I'm glad you've said that though if I am seen leaving the scene of a crime in that jacket, I'm going to claim it was the hologram. What an alibi. The crime's been already committed once you put the jacket on. I say.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I'm going to ask you, Ian, are you going to do another version of Three Lions for the World Cup? That's a very leading question. I don't usually like to talk about it. What do you think? If you were me, what would you do? I think it'd be good.

It's an unusual sort of World Cup. Christmas. We should have a chat about that, maybe. Yeah, we've left this a bit late. We're filming the video on Thursday. Wait! What? Hang on. Are you serious? Sorry, is it a secret?

I don't know. I didn't know. Yeah. Is this real? This is so exciting. An exclusive. Should I not have said it? Oh, it's all right. I don't understand. Why is it a big secret? It's fine, isn't it?

I don't know, yeah. Well, it's not anymore. I think it'd be a good idea. Yeah. I think you should. Well, let's hope so. Let's hope it turns out to be one. Let's write the song on the way.

I've also got to sign 5,000 copies of the vinyl on Friday. Me too. Hmm. Anyway. How's the secret going? Shall we sing it? I've got to sign 5,000 copies of the vinyl on Friday. Me too. Anyway. How's the secret going? Shall we sing it? Shall I do the first line? I think you might have to do all my throat is.

Okay. Shall I do the first line? Do the first line. I won't say where it goes, but it begins like this. Loving that lioness'sesses win and then it goes on from there to discuss

yeah to remember the failure as well as this great moment anyway well that'll

be good I'm so excited I can't even speak I've got a hot flush on

you're not the only one in the room dear it's fine I'm sure someone said it was in a French magazine I think it was exposed

in a French magazine as so many things are is that right? well just you know the French oh okay no well I think it's a very good idea

I'm really intrigued to know what it's going to be like with the World Cup at Christmas, you know? Oh, Ian, are you going to get the little bells out? I love a bell. I love a bell in a studio. Well, now, I can't give anything away. You know I'm playing it next. I'm not, I'm really not.

I'm not. I'm just playing it off my phone. Anyway, it's very exciting. And spending time with Ian Brodie in a recording studio is a very exciting thing because, I can say, he's the man, he knows all the stuff. And we actually did a bit, and this is cool, on top of Ian's house in his sort of attic recording studio.

All these posters of the Beatles putting pressure on the guests. Yeah, and it's really, it was exciting. I don't think I told you on the day, but being in your private studio really felt, you know, wow. It's a thing. It was a good day. Anyway, we'll just edit that link out. Is this live?

Oh, is it live? Whoops. Ian Brodie is our guest this morning. And can I just remind you that Lightning's new single, Emily Smiles, is that out now, Ian? I think it's out now, yeah. Yeah, and sorry I didn't turn you up again. I'm not used to this many faders.

It's out now, he said. Holder the voice. It's out now. And new album, See You in the Stars, October the 14th. And the tour with Badly Drawn Boy starts at Cambridge on October the 27th. So check out the Lightning Seeds product. In a town near you. Yes.

Now, I've got to ask you one question. You produced Marky Smith. I did. How was that? We got on really well, myself and Mark. I think from my end we did. He might have said something different, but I don't think so. So we got on really well, myself and Mark. I think, from my end, we did. He might have said something different, but I don't think so. So we got on really well.

And I think I always, when I was producing, when people were supposed to be quite awkward, I never found them to be awkward. He was very encouraging. What's everyone looking at me? It's not true what they say about you. No! And I'm here to set the records

no because you know obviously you're doing stories about him insisting that the recording the whole album onto a cassette player and then yeah yeah no we we went through those conversations and i mean there was a logic to what he he used to say it was just an incorrect slightly logic but uh but he was i would say he was a one-off you know which i love you know and and his focus wasn't the things that most people are focused on when you made a record but when you got into the logic of what he was saying, he was by no means stupid. And you could understand why he was saying what he was saying. So when we chatted about it, I think that's why we were able to sort things out like that.

And you were brave enough to argue back. We're stupid enough to argue back, yeah. Well, because you're touring with Badly Drawn Boy, and Badly Drawn Boy and Badly Drawn Boy tells a story about leaving a Manchester club or pulling up

outside a Manchester club Marky Smith thinks he's a cab driver gets in the back of the car tells him the address and Badly Drawn Boy

is so frightened of Marky Smith he drives him home Marky Smith tries to buy tries to pay with his jacket and he says no no it no, it's all right.

Shame you didn't do that. Yeah, it would have been a short ride. And then two days later, a mate gets in the back of Badly Drawn Boy's car and says, do you know there's a set of false teeth in here that have fallen from Mark Eastman on the journey? So, I mean, obviously, as you know i love i love marquis smith but i might be a bit frightened about being his producer but well done which

what you did um i am curious orange yeah we did a couple of uh a couple of things we uh because it was quite an intimidating start because i think he'd always like like, test you out, you know. So I remember the first time, I think I met him at the studio when we were going to do a song called Hey Luciani. Yes, of course, about John Paul I. Yeah. And I remember he said, the song's called Hey Luciani,

I'm going to the pub, the band aren't here yet, could you sort the drums out? And I said, well. I'm going to the pub. The band aren't here yet. Could you sort the drums out? And I said, well, I've never heard the song. And he said to me, this should just be like a snake and left. And I remember thinking... That's... Yeah, that's a tough brief, that.

Oh, first time I met him, he was an hour late and said alright Stuart how are you anyway Ian it's been great talking to you thank you and thanks for sharing

the news about Three Lions with us lovely chat but I'm glad I brought it up in the end so look so yeah

go check out the Lightning Sid single album and to us oh and don't forget to get your tickets for Absolute Radio live from the Absolute Radio website.

That's an evening of comedy at the London Palladium on the 27th of November for the Teenage Cancer Trust. And there's lots of big comedians on it. Romesh Ranganathan, Ed Byrne, Matt Ford, Kerry Godleman, Chris McCausland and Zoe Lyons are on. But of course

it's hosted by the master. Oh, God.man, Chris McCausland and Zoe Lyons are on. But of course it's hosted by the master. Oh, God. Sorry. So thanks for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio.