The Frank Skinner Show - Mumpire

Episode Date: April 3, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been on the Graham Norton show and has a new book out. The team also discuss Andy Murray’s future career plans, online gigs and April Fool’s pranks.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Here we go now. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. You can also show via the Absolute Radio website. I'm still after terms and condition voiceover work on the advert. I don't mind having actors and that doing the bits. I'll just come in for the absolutely razor-sharp stuff at the end.

Oh, it's a great job. Doing the Ts and Cs? Yeah, one breath, 300 quid. Not bad. You've priced it up already? Yeah, he's decided hell on the price. I'm just guessing the sort of thing. I'm going to say, inverted commas, these people get.

Okay. Saturday starts here. That's my new catchphrase. What do you think? I mean, on the originality front, it could do with some workshopping. I don't know if anyone else has sat. They used to say the weekend starts here on Ready, Steady, Go. But I know Saturday doesn't literally start at 8 o'clock.

For me, my problem is that you've got a good catchphrase there that you can only use it once a week. Well, that's a good point. Unless I'm making the point, say, if I'm doing a Wednesday night show, that I am the ramp that's going to take people into Saturday. But, I mean, that would be... Then you're a bit like those sort of articles that say Thursday is the new weekend or whatever.

Frank, can I just... Oh, yeah. Brown is the new black. Do. Frank, can I just... Oh, yeah. Brown is the new black. Do you remember that? Yeah. Oh, do you remember? Do you know... That wreaked havoc in the snooker world.

Oh, I can't tell you what it did to the fashion world. Well, it was a fashion... I was presenting a fashion award to a very famous designer, Nicole Fari. Oh, yes. And everyone that night was talking about brown being the new black. Then it was grey. Grey was the new black.

Grey is the new black? Yes. I mean, that really would have thrown the snooker world a... And now it's orange, obviously. Grey is the new black if it's been left in a shop window for a long time. Good. Frank, we're getting a lot of love for your appearance on the GN show. Oh, GN, yes.

Yeah, the GN show last night. I haven't watched it myself. Apparently you owned it. I owned it. Yes. Is it specifically a lot of love for Frank's appearance? Because I seem to remember the last time Frank went on that show, he had lockdown hair and he did not get a lot of love for Frank's appearance because I seem to remember the last time Frank went on that show, he had locked down hair and he did not get a lot

of love for his appearance specifically. I was trending on Twitter for my terrible haircut last time. It's very controversial that Frank Skinner owns the Graham Norton show. I don't think we can say that. Sarah Bailey says it. She's a cartoonist.

Sarah Bailey, I should say, is my PR person. No, she isn't. She's a cartoonist. Sarah Bailey, I should say, is my PR person. No, she isn't. She's a cartoonist, though, really. Lovely. Of what nature? I would describe... I'm guessing she's a sort of Steve Bell political satirist. No, she's a caricaturist, yeah.

Not one of the ones you see in court, Frank. The great joy of the Graham Norton... To be on the Graham Norton show, plugging a prayer book is, I think, a first. Michelle Visage was on. Did she have a prayer book? No. And the prayer book, I did the thing. When you have a book come out, you'll know this, Emily,

and I'm sure you'll know it soon, how when you do your Northern sayings anthology. But you start looking at the charts to see if he's any good. And I've written this thing called The Comedian's Prayer Book, and I looked it up, and it said on it, there was a thing that said number one bestseller. And I thought, you what? And I realised it was number one in the Christian poetry chart on Amazon.

It's not even poetry. But I thought, I don't want to be classified as Christian. Who's going to read Christian poetry? Christian poetry is an example, in my opinion, of two good things combined to make a very bad thing you know you can do that like leather trousers two good things it can work the other way two bad things used to make a good thing reality television yeah if anyone can think of any examples of these when two good things are put together to make a bad thing. I'd love to hear them, 8, 12, 15.

But can I just tell you this? The great thing, I didn't want to be number one in the Christian poetry chart, to be honest. But, you know, I'll tell you what I can get. There's no poetry. I don't care, can I say? There's no poetry, is there? Well, there you go. But the thing was, I was three places above Dante's Divine Comedy.

Result. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Any road up. Oh, sorry. You were talking about a... Prayer book. Yeah, I've done. I'm not going to ram it down people's throats.

I've said my piece. Well, I will. It's a comedian's prayer book, Frank Skinner, and I am downloading it right now. Are you? I always order Frank's items. It's you, is it? It comes up. If you like this, you'll like this.

I told you what was on my Kindle top picks for you, and it was my autobiography. Well, that's good. Yeah, four stars. Oh, not so great. Why don't you just punch me in the stomach, Kindle? Do you ever think when you meet someone called Aaron that their family, their parents,

never really went the extra mile, did they? Page one in the names book. I always assumed that they were big Elvis fans. Oh, because of the middle. Do you know, he had a twin who died at birth called Jesse Guerin. So it would have been Elvis Aaron and Jesse Guerin. I think when I meet people called AAA, I think that as well. AAA, what is that?

That's just the first. That's like, you know when you get a cab company? Oh, yeah. That was always, I remember, they call themselves AAA cabs, obviously, in order to be found. Oh, that thing, yeah. They place themselves. Aardvark Publishing.

Yeah. I might have made that up. If you're just about to open a publishing company, you can have that. Frank, people are very excited you got into the red chair. Yes, I was a bit. I had to sign a form to say that if I had any sort of spinal injury, that it was basically my fault and nothing to do with Graham Norton, the squire.

Well, that's good. Well, David Parker has said, on seeing him in the red chair on the Graham Norton, Esquire. Well, that's good. Well, David Parker has said, on seeing him in the red chair on the Graham Norton show, I immediately had an image of Heston Blumenthal in my mind. Oh, yes, Heston Blumenthal jumped on my back and did a bit of damage. Can you give some context? Or a party that was on telly.

I mean, these things can end up in the Daily Mail. What was the name of that person who asked about that? That person was called David Parker. I wonder, because of his interest in the Daily Mail. What was the name of that person who asked about that? That person was called David Parker. I wonder, because of his interest in the chair element, if he's part of the Parker Knoll empire. Maybe. Yeah, that'd be, I'd like to meet that. I mean, I know a Parker Knoll, it might sound a bit old-fashioned,

but when you sit in a Parker Knoll, I used to do a regular gig at Cheltenham Town Hall and it's called pillar talk because there's pillars in there and they had a parker knoll in the dressing room and it was like my chair because I was the comp it oh man

I like the idea of parker and knoll having a terrible feud and falling out somehow I mean I know nothing about either Parker or Noel. I mean, it could be an American actress called Parker Noel. I suspect Noel

felt some sort of simmering resentment that Parker always came first. Yeah, maybe you're right. Because really, if they'd gone alphabetical, it should have been Noel Parker. But Noel Parker does sound like one person. What if you're going to get sent a nice right because really if they'd gone alphabetical it should have been noel parker but noel parker does sound like one what if you're gonna get sent a nice chair after all this lovely you're giving i don't have room for it thank you very much we don't want chairs okay thank you

thanks parker and thanks and all but um um they're lovely chairs but um you give them to the poor if you want to give them more we're not interested yeah come on you could give them to the not the homeless they don't want to be carrying a parka and all around

but you could give it to some sort of centre oh help me out of this hopefully my voice will completely go soon. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is from, I just want to share this with you, from the sunny Lake District, 223. Okay.

Morning, folks. I found myself wondering on the morning of the 1st of April what Frank was doing. Did he carry out any of his pranks this year? She hasn't put pranks in speech marks, I'm glad to say, but I would have. Lots of love from the Sunny Lake District. Well, I've

stopped doing April Fool pranks because, I don't know if you remember, but Oh, I remember. Two years ago I came downstairs on the phone and told my son that the school was on fire as an April Fool joke. And he started crying.

And I thought, oh, I've misjudged this. And I said, there's no one in it. Everyone's safe. And he said, no, it's not that. He said, I wanted to do the April Fool joke. And I thought, you know what? We've reached that point of the ultimate parental sacrifice where I become the straight man. So since then I go down and...

And Buzz does it, does he? Buzz does it. You get pranked. Well, I hope the apple falls far from the tree because I seem to remember your material included, help everyone, the toilet's broken, April Fool. Well, it's funny you should say that, because Buzz this year, I actually talked about this on the Graham Norton show last night, but nevertheless, Buzz said to me,

oh, God, there's a leak in the toilet. And I thought it was just going to be a go in and there wasn't a leak, but he'd actually put a leak on top of the toilet. Oh, that's good. I was really impressed by it. Does he have the proper joke, Frank? Yeah, he is. It's a proper joke. We brought it back in

and Kath put it to one side and I knew that I'd be eating the leak that had been on the toilet and she wouldn't. But yes. But Mike, can I just say if you didn't see Graham Norton, what most of the comedy, they might not even put that bit in,

but most of the comedy came from the fact that my toilet is, it's mid-repair. So the walls are plastered but not painted at the moment. And it looked terrible. And as you can imagine, that was picked up. And I explained that we actually lived in 1970s Moscow, which is what it looked like. But we will mend it.

We've also had a missive in from 761 who has some information about Parker Knoll. Oh, good. Knoll was a fighter pilot who got sick of being in uncomfortable seats. Well, I mean, if you said to someone, what are the cons of being a fighter pilot? Well, the furniture, essentially.

Exactly. I mean, it's really, I've put one of those beaded seat covers on the back. Do you think Noel would say, how's work been? Do you know, it's so stressful. It's just the pressure on my back. There's no foot rest. Brilliant.

Wow, that is brilliant. And what was Parker's motivation, I wonder? Well, presumably, I mean, as the chauffeur to Lady Penelope, he also would have endured bad problems. Are you quite comfortable, me lady?

Yes, Parker, but Narl has been complaining about the cockpit again. Oh, try and amalgamate with him to see if that problem can be solved, me lady. And thus, Parker Lyle was born, ladies and gentlemen. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

By the way, if I sound a bit croaky this morning, I think I may have what's known as a summer cold. Oh. Summer cold. Makes me feel fine come on everybody you think it would stifle your singing wouldn't it would yeah it blows where does it blow down is it the back roads of your mind i believe so wow the back what blows down the a roads of one's mind i don't want anyone going down the back roads of my mind thank you very much.

I tend to stick to the motorway when it comes to... That's a no entry area, thank you. I like that. You know, from now on instead of saying, oh that's on the tip of my tongue, I'm going to say that's on the hard shoulder of my mind.

What do you think? Lovely. I think it works. Anyway, so I'm taking things for it and I'll try and get through. Oh, you know, doctor radio, darling. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, nice. What else? Well, you asked the wider world if they could think of two bad things that make a good thing

or two good things that make a bad thing. And I can't remember the EGs that you gave out. Can we say the wider world, that was not an example of fat shaming? He means people. No, not this time. Yeah, exactly. Well, Derek has suggested salted caramel. It's just wrong.

Otherwise, yes. Two good things that make one bad thing. People get angry about salted caramel. I think it might be the new pineapple on pizza. The first time I had salted caramel, I was given it on the recommendation that it was Barack Obama's favourite sweet. Was it? Yeah, apparently. But i don't mind it actually i like it i like a bit of salt on everything i don't mind it but the salted

caramel i mean it's too much now i don't want it everywhere yeah it's all over the shop crisps you can get salted caramel sometimes yeah exactly what's wrong with a nice bit of... Oh, that sounds silly. No, I don't think you can, actually. I made that up. I think I was thinking of KFC. I am going to get some. Seven six. Don't send me any, but I can afford them.

But I've got it. KFC crisps. My two favourite. That's an example of two good things put together to make. I mean, it might be horrible, but I'm guessing it'll be fantastic. KFC crisps, my two favourites. That's an example of two good things put together to make... I mean, it might be horrible, but I'm guessing it'll be fantastic. KFC crisps, is that a thing? Yeah, that's Gary Lineker's new campaign, for goodness sake. Is it really? Yeah, and he does a brilliant thing at the end.

Is he doing KFC? He steps into the colonel's head and shoulders. His torso is in this thing. And Gary Lineker lines up and he becomes the face of Harlan Sanders. He looks just like him now. Oh, chicken man. No, but it's really... Remember I went to his grave in Louisville, Kentucky?

You did, yeah. He's buried in five pieces. Oh, God! You know, many years ago I was flying to Grenada and the only thing I knew about Grenada, I mean, really the only thing I knew, I was only going there because an estate agent said, why don't you go there,

was that Brendan Batson, the former West Brom fullback, was from there. That was all I knew about Grenada. You know, I got to Grenada, we arrived, went into town, went into a bar, and there he was at the bar. And it was the kind of perfect... And I love a chance meeting. And this week, I'd been with bars out on the Hampstead Heath,

and as I walked back, I saw Emily Dean walking to... I mean, London, there's a lot of people live in London. Yeah. And she was with this woman who was rocking a sort of Kim Wilde look, sort of shades on, and I thought, she's a mysterious ultra-blonde babe. Blow me if it wasn't the producer, Sarah Bishop. We were together, we were in your locale. Blow me if it wasn't the producer, Sarah Bishop.

We were together. We were in your locale. But I love meeting people when you're accidentally like that. It's really exciting. It was so exciting. And you know what happened now? I said... Tell us. Sarah said, yes, Frank.

Was that someone's stomach? That was mine, yes. It's very noisy, isn't it? It is. Congratulations. It's good to know that it's stomach? That was mine, yes. It's very noisy, isn't it? It is. Congratulations. It's good to know that it's operational. Sarah said, there's Frank. And I don't know why I was shocked.

I was in your locale, but you always are when you haven't prearranged. Yeah, no, it's great. And I said, Frank. And you looked right in my direction, eye to eye contact, and you looked the other way and you walked on. No. Well, of course he actually didn't. But Sarah said to me, and I hope she'll forgive me for passing this on,

I said, I really thought Frank was ignoring us for a minute there. And she said, oh, you know what he's like with his sense of direction. was ignoring us for a minute there. And she said, oh, you know what he's like with his sense of direction. Well, I saw you and was able to find the way to you some ten feet away. I didn't recognise Sarah at all. I thought you were seeing some Russian model.

But... Was that his cricket bat? Yeah. Emily said to me, have you been for a walk? I was carrying a cricket bat. And I said, look, it can be rough around here. But I don't just take a cricket bat as a tool to protect me whilst walking. It was good.

Kim Wilde, by the way, had single called uh shane do you remember that i like to think that she wrote a second a follow-up to it which was never released that's an in joke for our regular readers yeah you know look after the locals and they'll look after you. That's what I reckon. Did we get any Parker Knoll news? No, we haven't had Parker Knoll updates since the Parker Knoll breaking news about the country furniture.

I don't like Parker's mysterious sleeping partner status. Yes, any information on Parker? It's all Knoll, Knoll, K no no no yes um 989 has sent us a fine example i think of two good things that make a bad thing uh morning all two good things that make a bad thing slipper socks two very good things but when brought together on a hard floor they can cause a cracked coccyx well but surely they have those plastic dimples, usually. Maybe not often enough.

Yes, I would have thought so. You don't have those. Imagine on a wooden stair. Yeah. Insanity. Well, I own some slipper socks, but I don't put them on often. I own some slipper socks, but I don't put them on often. I don't know at what point between barefoot and sock do you go slipper sock? Is that when you're staying in all day?

I suppose at the moment. We'll find there's been a slipper sock boom in recent times. I very much associate them with the roaring fire, the slipper sock. Do you? Yeah, and the mini break. We've had, just briefly, in a 1980s Judge Dredd story, a man changed his name to Aaron A. Aardvark to be first in the phone book. The next day, the city's regime decided to start executing everyone in alphabetical order.

That's from Paul Goff. That's a great story idea, though. It's great. We were in there judge dread do you remember us three yeah yes the artist incorporated our names onto three skyscrapers oh we've lived a life i gotta tell you we really have um i hope we all continue can i apologize again can i can i say by the, on the subject of my voice, that I have done two COVID tests in the last three days.

So please don't think that I'm endangering my colleagues coming in and thinking, oh, it's just a persistent cough and I can't taste it. It'll be fine. I've checked it out. It's OK. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I shall get that offer if it kills me. That was good. I'm getting quicker, I think.

I think it's about practice, you know. Ping, ping, ping. On the subject of alternate careers for you... I might get offered the modern major general as well, you know, Al Graham Gilbert O'Sullivan. Not Gilbert Ann Sullivan, not Gilbert O'Sullivan. Or you could do I'm not getting married today in company. Oh, yes.

Oh, is that one of them? Yes, very much so. OK. Sorry, Al. Over to you, Al. I was in a student version of Company when I was at drama school. It's good, isn't it?

Which part were you? I don't think I was any part particularly. Oh, that's quite unusual. Let's play. One of those spear carrier roles in a musical. Oh, OK. One of those spear carrier roles in a musical. Oh, OK.

We were going to discuss alternate careers for you because you're lining up your voiceover work. Oh, yes. It's nice to have something rolled over the pocket in snooker terms. Exactly. Well, I think there's been a news story this week that is the major example of that that I can think of. Andy Murray has revealed that he's interested in becoming a golf caddy for after his tennis career,

which I don't know much about golf, but I do know that it's like the caddies, they basically follow around a bigger star, don't they? So they're not famous in and of themselves are they the caddies no it's well i can only think i can only name i remember um nick faldo had fanny do you remember her no she was a swedish woman she was the only female caddy i think i ever saw in the on the men's circuit and i'm no golf. I'm quite resentful of golf

because I always think golf pioneered the luggage on wheels concept, which, as you know, I hate. You're not a fan of. But, yeah, Fanny was always there. She was like a tall blonde woman, as I suppose you'd expect from Sweden. And she would be there. And they don't just pass on the clubs and pull the thing about they're offering advice and talking about the weather conditions and it's like having a little

advisor with you on the thing. It's like dear dear tree following you around and carrying your bag fabulous. They say like a complicated version of like this hole's really far away so I'd whack it if I was you. Yeah, but yeah, with nuance. If you add a little bit of nuance, but use that as your scaffolding. Yeah, this is only three foot, so don't whack this one. It's all that sort of stuff, isn't it?

It sounds quite easy. Imagine saying that to Faldo. It wouldn't have took you well, would it? Don't whack the pot. I think it would suit... Frank, I have to say, or actually, maybe I should address you well, because it? Don't whack the pot. I think it would suit Frank. I have to say, or actually maybe I should address you well because I'm talking about Frank behind his back. I think this would suit Frank very well

because it's sort of very much what he does. You know, the golf caddy. It's a bit like when he approaches Andrew Lloyd Webber, for example, with some notes after watching one of his musical performances. Yes, I think it's probably easier if you've been paid in that role rather than volunteering. And my problem with seeing a comic and then saying after, I'll tell you what would improve that bit.

I mean, I've got to stop doing it. It's not what you do. Who have you done that to? You did it to Ross Noble, I think, didn't you? You've done it to me. Did you do it to you, Al? He's done it to various people. He can't help it.

Tim Key mentioned it on the show, if you remember. Oh, yeah. But they usually say, oh, I tried, it went really well. So that's all I'm saying. You know. Yeah. How did your improvement, I'm using improvement in inverted commas,

how did that go, Al? I think you suggested something that I had done prior to it. Ah, well, they all say that. It had fallen away for time constraints. Obviously, they all say that. But yeah, OK, fair enough. But I think we've rumbled something here with Andy Murray going to golf to be a caddy.

You say that tennis players have the big bags. No, you said that golfers have the wheelie luggage. But tennis players have such big bags that surely there's a gap in the market for being a tennis caddy. Yes. Where he carries on the bag and then he says, oh, I'd hit it really hard down the line if you get the chance I think that would be too intimidating having Andy Murray as your tennis caddy wouldn't it

I mean I don't I think the problem is it's like having Frank Skinner as your support I'll tell you what it's like can you remember that Cassie you're too good for the chorus Zach I need the money it's that do you remember he's floating from a chorus

line by the way in case you're not a musical theater take that we're on top of the pops do you remember that when robbie williams rejoined them and gary barlow was doing the lead vocal on this particular song and robbie williams was doing back in vocals and you And once you've gone to that far, you cannot go back. I mean, Zach was right about Cassie. She was too famous for the chorus line. OK. And you can't just have Andy Murray bobbing about in the distance, even though he's not a golfer.

Isn't he going to spoil everything? People are just going to think, oh, wow, there's Andy Murray. And there's some bloke in Czech trousers standing in the way. We're talking about the former world number one, Sir Andrew Baron Murray. Was he ever number one? I believe he was. OK, fair enough. Baron Murray. Was he ever number one? I believe he was. Okay, fair enough. Baron Murray.

Is he Baron Murray? Well, he's Sir Andrew Baron Murray. That's just greedy. Two titles in the one name. Oh, it's one of those. I don't like it when you get all the... Yeah, you get a few of those ones. Yeah.

The vital. My real name is Duke Alan Cochran, so I don't know how I'm going to cope if I get knighted. I like it when there's a thee in them. You know, they say, like, the Vicar of Linley. I mean, that's great.

Tell us a thee in your name. I like a theon in parenthesis. Theon. Oh, I don't know that one. The Honourable. Oh, yes, obviously, yes. Theon is great. Sorry, I was thinking know that one. The Honourable. Oh, yes, obviously, yes. The On is great. Sorry, I was thinking of The On and the Belmonts,

the old 50s vocal group. Yes. Toby Young is a The On, I believe. You're having me on. No. Who knew? I'd like to discuss golf fashion. I mean, that is what draws me to the sport that and it's suitable for

pensioners i like the idea though of dressing i don't like the modern golfing attire i very much like the sort of duke of windsor look well plus four yeah i love a plus four and i like an argyle pattern plus fours are brilliant if your necklace breaks that's their best that's the best advantage of them and you can just clear it out there later I like a

saddle shoe as well Frank I don't know what that is who wears them, Lucy from Peanuts oh yes are you familiar with them? Lucy from Peanuts? Oh, yes. Are you familiar with them? What a great fashion reference that was. Yeah.

White with... I don't know if children are allowed to take Peanuts into school anymore. No, this is true. Very good. Some may associate them more with Frenchie from Greece. Oh, yeah. Oh, really? Are you familiar? The white shoes with the blue saddle motif,

the 1950s sort of shoes. Are you familiar with them, Al? I think so, yeah. Thank you very much. I don't know if you know, me and David Baddiel went playing golf in Portugal. I didn't know you golfed. Well, I don't golf.

But that was... Someone offered to pay for us. It wasn't filmed or anything, but they offered to pay for us to go, so we went. I remember when we got back, we'd lost 22 golf balls. We only did nine holes. They'd given us a big bag of golf balls. They'd given us a big bag of golf balls. And there was a bit where Dave got so bored that he was in this bunker and he couldn't get out. There's been a Hitler reference every week on this show.

And he hit the ball and it ran up the side. And as it ran back down, he hit it on the move. And I said, no, no't you can't volley in golf that's not allowed even non-golfers have a rule about hitting the ball in motion I had lessons and all that and funnily enough oh did you?

no I didn't get good but there are I know the lure of it because you can play football for 20 years, I've proved this, and never really hit the ball properly or do anything good. But occasionally with golf, you hit one beautifully

and then that is where the Class A drug thing comes in. But funnily enough, what got me into golf was the lure of the caddy. Oh, there we go. Yeah. And it was the caddy and things. We have to break, but I'll explain this. But it was actually a caddy that got me into golf. Not a real one.

Oh. But, yeah, I'll explain. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. explain. Before we continue in the proceedings, may I just share with you this from 867? Please. A little bit of love for Shane. I'd like to throw in a bit of regular love for Shane. Do you mean Shane the Kim Wilde single? No, I mean Shane the Frank Skinner series. OK. Hi, gang. Just found all episodes of the first series of Shane on YouTube.

Absolutely loving it. A Forgotten Gem, I believe, is the turn. How can we campaign for a DVD release of both series? Is it from Kevin Liger? No, it's from Nick and Brighton. He's one of the bosses on the TV. release of both series. Is it from Kevin Liger? No, it's from Nick and Brighton. He's one of the bosses on the TV. Gone, gone and never called me mother.

Yes, so the caddying thing. Yes, back to Andy. I saw a Will Smith film called Bagger Vance. Do you know it? It's a very much kind of film I would never ever watch. Oh well there you go and it was, I don't know how I came to watch it

but it was about a caddy who was a sort of mystical figure played by Hare Smith Hare Schmidt and he he's very helpful

but he's clearly got something out there's something supernatural about Bagger Vance and I loved it I loved it I loved it so much I bought the book and I don't know if it was a novel and then became a film

or if I bought that loveliest of words the novelisation of it. Oh, yes. But I read that, and that's why I started having golf lessons. I just distinct... Because he talks about the golf course in a sort of a... You know, it's a living animal, and you have to hear it breathe and feel it.

You have to love it. And I thought, wow, it really was special. It was a sort of field of dreams for golf. Can I you bag of ants i was always confused is it bag oh vance no like it's not it's not it's not no like match over the day yeah like bag oh tommy vance guns roses um no it's a bagger apparently is a colloquial term for a caddy in America. Oh, did you know that, Al? Oh, I did not know that. OK. And also someone, of course, who gets the first go at something,

as in, hi, baggies. Did you do that in maybe suburbia? Yeah, bagsies. Bagsies, yeah. We did bagsies. Yeah, it's brilliant. And me and Dave Badiel had our lessons in Portugal before we went out on this big man-made course.

The guy who taught us, he had a bit of the BV about him. The bag of arms. Was David any good at golf? No. Of course not. David, if you're listening. I'll tell you what I heard this week, which course not. David, if you're listening. I'll tell you what I heard this week, which is special. You know those Top of the Pops albums that used to be out

that were hit singles done by session musicians and singers, so they weren't actually the hit single. They were a version. It's a cheap buy, you know, avoids the rights thing. I heard one of Three lions did you and the great thing about it was they did a slightly not very good voice for dave like deliberately i loved it but anyway uh this this guy who taught us, this Portuguese guy, would say, you can do this shot here, and then he'd point into the mid-distance, out there, out there you have to do what you need to do,

referring to the course. And he really made it a special mistake. Was he a bit of a special one, as it were? So I can see why people get into golf. Well, we've had this in and out from Anthony who's in Barry.

With an H or Sol's H. Sol's H. Okay. So he's a man thonny. I met H this week. H from Steps? Yeah, well Steps

were on the Graham Norton show. Were they? They looked amazing in black leather and spangly things. You couldn't tell where one step started and the next one

stopped needed some of that yellow tape on the edges of them shall I reveal what Anthony from Barry shall we trail

Anthony from Barry you can trail him but the producer is pushing me I'm going to tease Anthony from Barry. Thank you. We'll be back with that soon. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I think you had us on a cliffhanger, didn't you? I think Emily had teased a man in rugby. She had. She teased a man in rugby. I teased. Not for the first time.

I think you'll find I teased a man in Barry. OK.ased, I think you'll find, I teased a man in Barry. Okay. That sounds like the beginning of a poem. Yes, I teased a man in Barry. Barry, that's right, yes. I've been to Barry. I remember they had, on the front at Barry, they had a laughing mannequin in a glass case.

You put money in to make him laugh. It's the most terrifying, and I love laughter in all glass case. You put money in and make him laugh. It's the most terrifying laugh. And I love laughter in all its manifestations. I'm not Fosse, but it was a real spine-chilling laugh from this mannequin. I wonder if he's still there. I'm less into the evil laughter. Yeah, the ones that begin, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

Yeah. Well, moving off the front of Barry and back to Anthony, Anthony has this nugget. At one point, Tiger Woods' caddy, Steve Williams, was the highest earning sports person in all of New Zealand. What? Wow. So they get

the big box the caddies I think they get a commission on the wins and I think the bigger the tournament the bigger the commission so like if they win this is all that Al knows about the caddy business it's what cop they get

and they mainly work weekends, so that frees up their week to have a day job as well. I believe, I think not all of this email has come out, but from what I can gather, what he seems to be saying, Anthony, is that it was to do with the percentage of winnings. That's how he was paid.

And as Tiger wasn't doing too badly for a while there. Yeah, true. You know, Anthony, he got paid and as Tiger wasn't doing too badly for a while there yeah true Anthony he got paid in full I hope he's sincere about this Andy I really like the idea of him doing something because he's made presumably enough money to do nothing I worry about it

being an ex sports person you know you end up just getting invited to like wine tasting in Dubai and stuff like that. The tall ships race. Yes. I think it can be a hollow and empty existence, whereas if you take on another job, like in the old days, they used to own a pub and stuff. Oh, they'd always own a pub. Well, he already owns a hotel, doesn't he?

Does he? Which I stayed at, may I say. Oh. I went up there for a walk with... Was he there? ...Mar Judy. He wasn't there. I went to meet Mar Judy.

Mar Judy's there. Well, I should think the service there is excellent. Well, I think that's very good. I knew you'd have to lob that one in. Very good. I did wonder if Andy Murray could help out in the kitchen. If he was to get a tennis racket restrung with, like, cheese wire, he could chip the potatoes, couldn't he?

Like, if he just performed a serve fast enough. Can I tell you what's nice? Sorry. But wouldn't that be a... You'd love it, wouldn't you? If you went there and he was just in the corner at breakfast walloping baby bells to each table off his racket. But that's a story you'd tell forever, isn't it? Yes. You'd want that.

Do you know what I did love about the Cromlechs? A, it's dog-friendly. Oldie, it's called the Cromlechs. Cromlechs, yes. Judy did not want to buy it at first. She told me that because there were bats in there. She thought it was a... Bats?

Oh, that's another sport. Yeah, it's rackets. Yeah, it's rackets. She prefers the term rackets. Yeah, exactly. But what I loved about the Cromlechs, A, it's dog-friendly. They treated Raymond like a queen. Really.

Lovely. Is the Cromlechs what... Was that the pet name for what Tom... Cromwell's wife used to call him? Oh, I didn't even know the Cromlicks was getting up. I'd better go. Oliver. What I loved also about it, A, it's fabulously dog-friendly.

B, there's a glass cabinet, or en moi, in the lobby. Not with a horribly cackling mannequin in it no with a copy of Judy's book oh I thought you were going to say some piece of tennis memorabilia and that's what I like it's just there if you pass

there's the odd bit of memorabilia and it's called do you know what it's called I thought it was quite a good pun Frank go on knowing the score oh I see and it's called, do you know what it's called? I thought it was quite a good pun, Frank. Go on. Knowing the score. Oh, I see, yes. I thought it'd be something about being the mother.

Murray Mint. The mother load or something like that. Oh, lovely. Well, that's not quite right. So are you going to give us some advice maybe, Frank, now it's published? Yes. Sid Little changed his.

He had a better idea and changed it. He had a name and then he had Little by Little, which he had a better idea and changed it he had a name and then he had Little by Little which he thought was better so they renamed it it was nice of you to phone in with that if anyone wants to text in with a better title for Judy Murray's autobiography, 8-12-15

984, Judy Murray's autobiography Title, suggestions Some, I would say at least six years after its publication But nevertheless, Net Income by Judy Murray It's good, but it's not right 197 I want to talk about her being the mother of It's good, but it's not right. 197. I wanted something about being the mother of... Well, 197 has two suggestions.

Judy Murray without spin or from weaning to winning. Oh, yes. Something like all my eggs in one net. Something about mothering. Okay. All my eggs in one net. I don't know about all my eggs in One Net. Something about mothering. OK. All My Eggs in One Net. I don't know about All My Eggs in One Net. That's rubbish.

That's rubbish. That would be the worst suggestion you've ever made in your whole life. I'm doing that to make the people who've sent them in feel better. All My Eggs in One Net is not your best. No, it's not the one I'm at. What if she'd brought that out, has she? I mean, people would have just spat at it in the bookshops. Spat at it.

So, Victoria Pendleton. Oh, yeah. You've always been a fan of her work. I've always been a fan of Victoria. Cyclist. Well, no, but she did it, didn't she? She did the career change. She was, I mean, a fantastic cyclist incredibly successful and then became a horse

racing uh person so she's a so oh yeah and there was some cyclists who i can't remember who went on to motorbikes and i like the idea that you can go backwards or forward it's like cyclists have a sort of the ascent of man poster at war with a little counter on so they can move. Yes, I'm going to go backwards to horses. Oh, I'm going forward. In fact, I'm going right up to microlight. Oh, well, I'm going to do walking then. And I'll argue about where they are in the range of man's advances.

But, yeah, she's doing all alright, I think, as a horse rider. They need something, the sports people. It's not enough for a tall ship's race after party. And let's face it, the pundits' field is crowded. It is, yeah. But I think the biggest surprise surely of

post-sporting and punditry career change is surely the novelist Dick Francis, who went from horse riding to post-sporting and punditry career changes, surely the novelist Dick Francis, who went from horse riding to international best-selling novelist, isn't that, like, nobody spotted that coming, did they? Was he, I didn't know he was actually a jockey,

Dick Francis. Was he a jockey? Yeah. Ah, well, that's where you get all research, all that was research, Dick. Good work. Amazing. And David Icke. Yes,. All that was research, Dick. Good work. Amazing. And David Icke.

Yes, he went from... Nobody watching Grandstand was thinking, one day he'll be selling out arenas. No. Well, and Turquoise. Was it Turquoise? The thing is, we didn't... And I still can't quite name the job that David Icke does.

It would have been hard to predict. He was a goalkeeper, I think, originally, and then he went to Sports Pondy. He's moved around a lot, and now he's an inspirational... But you know what I like about him? He doesn't just sit at home watching the telly. He's always doing... He's always working. You know what I like about him?

Can I say, boys, what I like about him, about Icke? He's always managed to find a career which allows him to wear a tracksuit. Respect. Oh. Respect. Respect. Do you think he'll be part of the hip-hop scene after this? MCI. MCI.

Shall I tell you what I really like about David Ike, honestly? His 1972 haircut. No. Nothing. Nothing. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Text the show on 8215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram and Frank on the radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. There you go. You're doing that really well. I thought there was a bit of fluffing on that. I might have to do that again.

Can we do that again, Jeff? Sure. I might have to do that again. Can we do that again, Jeff? Sure. I might have to do one of those. Okay. In case you've just tuned in, I'm auditioning for doing terms and conditions voiceovers on radio adverts. I think they would

have gleaned that. Well, let's hope so. I never like to ever assume. I never assume gleaning. Remember the Jamaican gleaned that? Well, let's hope so. I never like to ever assume. I never assume gleaning. Remember the Jamaican gleaner? Do you remember that? It's a newspaper. They used to have it in Birmingham. Anyway,

we were talking about Andy Murray and we were trying to come up with a title for his mum's autobiography, even though it's already out. We had some suggestions, Al, didn't we? I mean, if it was just about mothering, rather than... It could be called Motherwell. Oh, yeah.

Because of the Scotland connection. Yeah, but I really want it to be... Something about two tennis-ing sons, that's the kind of thing I'm after. Well, 811 has got one that includes both parenting and tennis. Motherly love. Oh, that's good. I think Jamie would take that as a dig, wouldn't he?

I would just go for mother love. Mother love. Yes, I don't know. Okay, I'm going to let you keep motherly love. I like it. It's good. And then we have 004 serving my family. Very nice.

Very nice. I think Kim Jong-il brought out that same thing at a big banquet that he hosted. Yeah. So one of the things that he said, said Andy Murray which I love because this is something that's said a lot by footballers he's thinking of doing his badges yeah and when footballers do their badges it means they go to like a an FA course thing and you get I don't know how many badges there are I've often dreamt of doing my badges. Not to be, not to manage, but just to be that bloke at the game

who knows more about it than everybody else. Because generally speaking, football fans, and I include myself in this, we have no idea what's going on for most of the time on the pitch. We don't understand the tactics and stuff. You can tell we've been replaced by cardboard cutouts and sound effects. That's the integral part we play in the sport. It's like the bad guy in Scooby-Doo has replaced football fans it was all their projector

and but I would, I actually had an idea I'll tell you this now because it was rejected everywhere, I had an idea called something like how did that goal happen and it was it was me talking to a football expert, like what happened I was

with Lee Dixon the former Arsenal and England defender and we were I once went to a contemporary dance event with him and Tony Adams and Adrian Childs great anecdote

yeah there's more but I won't go into it anyway, was that the night Tony Lee said Tony put the ball away that. Anyway. Was that the night Tony, Lee said, Tony put the ball away? That's right. That was that very night. Anyway, I... When he was discussing football... We were sitting outside a pub

in somewhere like Zurich and Lee Dixon explained to me what was meant by showing them the outside. It was a George Graham thing. And it means not letting a player cut inside. And he got bottles and an ashtray and he put it all out on the table and explained it. And the way he did it, I just got it.

And I thought, yeah, I'd love to understand more. So I wrote all this up and said, I want to do a programme called... And of course it was rejected by everyone. But I think a programme that actually told fans what football was about would have been a good thing. I'm too old for it now. Do you think?

Yeah. Why do you say that? I was a bit bitter and offended that it wasn't taken first time. I think, Frank, they could put it on as a little DVD extra on the Shane double box set. I can't do another DVD extra. Along with Shane. You don't want him specialising in DVD extras.

No, I mean, that's because Frank DVD extra Skinner I'm being called. I saw that on a poster. Yeah, it's not what I dreamt of. I saw it on a toilet wall. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. wall we have some well maybe I'll go over to our man in the north

Alan Cochran I love these autobiography suggestions we've had in yeah there's been various wide ranging in quality I would suggest 411 has suggested the mumpire

oh yeah Matt in Folkestone and perhaps the one that I think might be Emily Dean's favourite is 984 has said raising a racket oh that's good

you see I've got to be honest 984 you said raising a racket. Oh, that's good. I like that. You see, I've got to be honest, 984, you're in current pole position for me. I just like it. It brings in everything in a discreet way. No, it's good, Dan. The idea of noisy, rambunctious boys. I've got it.

It's great. I think you're right. I just wanted to sell it a bit to boys. I've got it. I've got it. It's great. Okay, good. I think you're right. I just wanted to sell it a bit to Alan. I think it could be a winner. You know what's happening is power has gone to the negative person in the room. It always happened to me in couple counselling. You don't have to convince Alan. If you believe it's yours, Alan can have his own choice.

Alan is now going to announce his own winner. Aren't you, Alan? I liked it. I liked it. I haven't looked through them all. I just feel like I've given it a harsh review now. It really appealed to me. No, it's good. Raising a rack. It's got the mother in and...

It's got everything! I wanted highly strong to be in there somewhere. Well, that would be good. Yeah, but it's not... It doesn't say the mother thing, does it? No. Okay. Anyway, I think that's the winner.

Who was that? That was 984. Well done, 984. And you'll be getting... Oh. Well, speaking of getting stuff... Wouldn't you love it on a quiz, sorry, Frank,

on a quiz show, if someone announced the prize and said, and you'll be getting credits roll. Yes. Listen, we had a letter from the Chancellor Herr Hitler. Odysseus Constantine. Do you remember him? Yes, I do.

He sends a very lovely art prints from his company art and hue in eastbourne i don't know art and you i think was the um the double act that uh art garfunkel did after with you cornwell from the stranglers i thought it was with the hue and cry no no I think they stuck together, you and cry. But he sent us a collection of prints of the chessmen, the Lewis chessmen. Oh, that's nice. Yes, we'll put one in the post for you, Al. Thank you. But for me, as a special treat, he's enclosed an art print, get this, of Tony Miles. Now, Tony Miles was the first chess player born in,

well, born in Britain, but I'm saying the first chess player born in Birmingham, more importantly, to become a Grandmaster. Oh, that's good. So what a love, and what about this? He once beat Karpov by responding to the Russians opening Gambit with a shocking move he later called his Birmingham defence. I bet that confused Karpov's caddies, as we might call them, his assistants. Yes, and all that.

Oh, Ben, yeah. That was the dialogue played backwards. I'm sure I'm recognised. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I have to pick your brains to a certain extent, both of you. I obviously, we've um a year of lockdown and i haven't done very many

online stand-up comedy gigs and i wondered if you guys had been doing online gigs or work is that well i've done i've done things like interviews and i did a i did a an audio drama from my bedroom. Did you? Yeah. That's what I've learned in the last year. Did the drama take place in your bedroom? No. Oh. It was difficult because the actors,

we couldn't overlap each other, such is the nature of recording. So you had to make sure they'd finished exactly. You couldn't make it, you know, come in and they said, no, we'll do all that later. But we did it, yeah. I'll tell you what I did. I've done a few things. I presented

some talk. I've done interviews. And I found it very difficult to come in at the right time. I'm afraid I messed up a few times. And when I came in and the audience, you see the audience all come in on those same things. I just love the fact they don't know I'm just wearing a pyjama

jacket. Like Donald Duck. things and i just love the fact they don't know i'm just wearing a pajama jacket well the dress code is definitely different isn't it i did a i did a gig in a hoodie i don't think i've ever performed live on stage in a hoodie um i'm very rarely maybe a student gig that you don't care about particularly when you're trying to try to, was you? Yeah, something like that. I did it on a skateboard. But most gigs, I mean, what I've really learned in the last 12 months is that I am a much more bookable comedian in the flesh

than online. Because I think I've only done about five online gigs and a couple of radio things and this. it I did an online gig last Friday night and I got an email back saying oh yeah you're on last Alan 15 minutes on last in normal circumstances if I was on last a gig especially when rusty I would be really, really nervous.

Like, what if all the acts do brilliantly and then I don't do brilliantly? Oh, wow. Come on. Then I've got to drive home hating myself. But when it's online, I just couldn't get the same nervousness going. You have to walk upstairs hating yourself. Exactly. I'm not driving home from Coventry hating myself for two hours or something. I just walk upstairs and have a yoghurt. I like to drive back from a gig

because by the time I've got home, I've generally finished hating myself. I don't want to still be hating myself when the family are around. No. That's their job. Doesn't Sarah Miller can have a good rule about that, Frank, I believe.

Oh, the next morning, yeah. You told me that, Al. It has to be until 11.30, and then you have to start pacing yourself. Oh, OK. I think her rule is that you can't think that you're brilliant or terrible past 11 o'clock the next day or something, so if it gets great, you've got to shut up about it. Sorry, Frank.

It's not interesting. But I might shut up about it, but inside... It's hard to get rid of the... It's that ready-break glow that you get after a great gig. That takes some shifting, doesn't it, that? Yeah. I'd be a terrible hypocrite if I pretended that that... And also, like I say, I remember having a terrible...

It's a new material gig as well, so you're entitled to have a bad one. But it all went wrong. Why does... There was a comic at the back of the room, all the things you don't want from a new material gig. And the next morning, I was at the supermarket and a woman said to me, Are you a comedian?

And I said, No. at the supermarket and a woman said to me, are you a comedian? And I said, no. I didn't feel I had the right to say that I was on that particular morning. And to be honest, it might not have been 11 o'clock, so I think Sarah Millican would have been OK with that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Another thing about the Zoom gigs that I was just discussing, because this is what people are doing, the Zoom stand-up gigs, is that it really shows up a gap between comedians who can't use computers and comedians who can't, because I'm very much in the second category there. Well, you can't. Oh, no, I'm rubbish with them. I think both categories were can't just then. No, the comedians who can use comedians,

they're very competent and they have different backgrounds on the Zoom thing so they can make it look like a brick wall and they'll have a microphone and stuff like that. Wow. And my background was a couch that's behind me because I'm sat on the floor in order to get good sound. Although I did use it to segue into some material about how much I enjoy lying down. So I've still got those old skills.

Aye, nothing wasted, Al. Jumping into jokes. Do they have a North London Bohemia? Because that was my background and that's what I was like to hear. Do you have a sunset, Al? You see, they should have something nice like that. I think somebody competent can get almost anything as their background

but I'm not. I'm incompetent and I like the old days when you judged... My eight-year-old can conjure up a background of almost any description. Very clever, isn't it? Yeah, it is. I did prefer the old days when you judged comics on, like, their skill of writing or performing,

and now it seems like we're getting judged on our tech know-how and our Wi-Fi connection sometimes. Modern world, Al. Come on, mate. Come and join us. Next week on Steptoe and Son I was talking to a promoter who'd done a drive-in comedy gig and I said

he asked me if I was interested and I said no you wouldn't be able to hear them laughing would you he said no they blast their horn if it's funny I don't want to have someone's horn blasting I associate laughter with love and warmth

whereas someone blasting the hall it's all about hostility he said one of the problems is if people leave early they drive out imagine the gig's not going that well

and you have to wait for noise reasons for someone to complete a three-point turn who's leaving the gig. I mean, it's hell. The only horn I want to listen to is Alex. That's a good one. Oh, well, that beautifully points. I adore that man.

I would do a car gig if everybody had those horns that go... That would be fun. I would only do it if they had horns that went... Even that sounds sarcastic. With glitter coming out. What you've got to be careful is you don't want to be driving home and you haven't switched your normal horn back on and somebody runs out in front of you,

you go, ha, ha, ha, and then plough into them. It would be like some sort of supervillain thing. So be careful if you've got an alternate horn on your car. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. We've been talking about suggestions for Judy Murray's autobiography, but attention must be paid to some of our regular correspondents. Everyone needs to get their turn here. I love it when people write to us about things from the previous show. It makes me feel like it's all tied together into one beautiful, seamless thing. It's very previously on ER. This is actually going back a bit,

but Stephen Lewis in Manchester has got in touch because you may remember a while back we were talking about... Stephen Lewis? Yeah. Oh, I owe you a bottle. Oh, God. Oh, go on, carry on. We were talking about suggestions for Bernard Matthews' autobiography.

Bernard Matthews was the famous turkey farmer. Yes. He was. And Stephen's come up with some. Talking turkey, obviously. Oh, very good. That's good. And I just want to be clear,

I'm going to pronounce this absolutely right, to kill a flocking bird. Oh, yeah, do they flock turkeys? I don't to be clear. I'm going to pronounce this absolutely right. To kill a flocking bird. Oh, yeah. Do they flock? Turkeys. I don't think it matters. No. The pun is more important, Frank.

No, I think you're probably right. We'll have none of your pedantry in this one. Yes. OK? Mockingbirds call mockingbirds because they have a sort of a laughter-type thing that sounds like they're laughing at people. Like a sarcastic tone of beak

or to sort of mock the weak man yeah a tone of antonti we got there together how lovely we did frank and we've also had some responses to last week's show i'm going to go over to our correspondent in the North, Alan Cochran, for that. Alan. Well, we had some fun TV and film credits where we were discussing... Oh, yes, it was on about weird, like, a man in marquee, Wilfred Hyde-White,

was one of the examples. Yes. Apparently in Ally McBeal, which I used to love, Dame Edna Everidge played a character called Claire O'Tombs, which is an to love, Dame Edna Everidge played a character called Claire O'Toms, which is an anagram of a sitcom role. Oh. Claire O'Toms, yes.

O'Toms. Yes. O-T-O-M-S, yeah. Yes. I know there was a... Well, it was just an accent thing. What did I say, O'Toms? No, you said it in the right way.

I just said it with a slant, a London slant. Come on, you two, do I have to reach into the back of the car and start banging your heads together? Peter Capaldi played in a film... Oh, God, I can't remember what the film was now. And he played a doctor from the World Health Organisation. Oh, who? And it said, who Doctor? was his credit.

And this was before he was Doctor Who. Well, if that ain't a premonition. Yes. That's good. In fact, someone sent us a message about that, and I will remember to credit them at some point. I'm afraid I don't have their details to hand, but whoever you are, thank you so much.

Oh, did they mention the picture? Someone did write in about that, yes. Oh, OK. It's much talked of in the Who world. you know obviously i'm certainly obviously i'm very deeply immersed in the who world uh when when you both say who world i'm presuming that you mean the world health organization world yeah yes that's a shop near me world health organization world it's so it's lovely, isn't it? Not as good as World of Leather, of course.

On the credits front, we've also had James Bryant getting in touch, saying the new Tom and Jerry movie credits both Tom and Jerry as themselves. Wow. That's weird. Interesting. Does it have their surnames? I'd love to know. That'd be a great quiz question.

What are Tom and Jerry's surnames? That's excellent. There are some quizzes, you know, at the top end of quizzing, that's the sort of thing that could come up. Oh, yeah, very much so. What else? What else? I love these. Surprising people playing on records. Al, did you have a favourite?

That's a good question. Is there any evidence that Lou Reed played guitar on Leader of the Pack? No. Cat Ohtahanahan, Richard Fairbrass of Right Said Fray, plays bass in David Bowie's band in the video for Blue Jean. Jazz in for Blue Jean. Does he really? I believe Bruno Tognoli dances on the video of I'm Still Standing. I'm still standing?

Yeah. Tognoli? His real name is Tognoli. But he stopped with it. He didn't want to argue with Elton. Or Elston is his real name. If you don't know what we're talking about, I apologise, but

you know what I mean. There'll be footnotes on the website. Have we got a website? We've got a website? We should look into that. Is that a bit old news now, websites? I still like a website, but we're no judge of what's new news now, websites? I still like a website, but...

I know, but we're no judge of what's new news, are we? No, you're quite right. Anyway, look, it's been lovely. So I apologise again for my voice today, but we got through it, thank you. With a lot of support, can I say, from Sarah and Faye, who kept me plied with lemon and honey and all that stuff. So thanks to them.

You know, you're only as good as your team. Okay. So thank you so much for listening today. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Get out.