The Frank Skinner Show - Nearness Detectors

Episode Date: August 14, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has bought a new car and has already had an incident. The team also discuss Charles and Diana’s wedding cake, swimming dogs and a misjudged joke in a Best Man speech.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'd like one of those, you know when they do those computer things and it says, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, like it's all supposed to be the same voice frank i'll kick off with a question from one of our regulars ultra magnus oh yeah frank have you ever been to south cathedral and met the official south cathedral? That's from Ultra Magnus. I've been to Southwark Cathedral, certainly. Very beautiful it is too.

Who is this? One of the King James version of the Bible, like the heads of departments of that compilation there. Lancelot Andrews. I think his tomb is there. But I never saw the cat. Now, if I saw a cat in a church I'd kill it immediately.

I'd assume it was some sort of demon. No, not really, guys. It's good to know that you've got a rule. Well, there's a picture of Hodge doing the rounds on the internet. Oh, Dr. Johnson's cat. The Southwark Cathedral cat posing with his own soft toy replicas. Oh, because Dr. Johnson's cat. The Southwark Cathedral cat posing with his own soft toy replicas.

Oh, because Dr. Johnson had a cat called Hodge. Dr. Johnson, the 18th century writer, for those of you who didn't know. And outside Dr. Johnson's house in Goff Square in London is a statue of Hodge with some oysters. Because he used to feed... Oysters were quite cheap then, apparently. He used to feed oysters were quite cheap then apparently he used to get them but the famous quote was

the cat was there with Dr. Johnson and James Boswell said so it's a nice cat you've got there Dr. Johnson he said oh I've had better cats than this

I'll be honest with you at which point the cat looked straight at him and Johnson said although Hodge is a very fine cat a very fine cat indeed slightly edgy I'll be honest with you. At which point the cat looked straight at him and Johnson said, although Hodge is a very fine cat, a very fine cat indeed, slightly edgy. I think he heard.

Keep talking. Look busy. You are loving our Boswell Johnson content this morning. I would guess. I'd like to start with the topical stuff. I'm guessing the Southwark Cathedral cat was named after the original Hodge. Well, the reason I thought it was...

Or Steve Hodge. Possibly Steve Hodge, Leeds United and England. Do you know what I love? I wanted to keep the tradition going of one cathedral mention per show. Yes, I think that's a good idea. I wonder if... I haven't listened to everything on

absolute this week but I wonder if that's the first name check for Lancelot Andrews oh my word so anyway I've had I've had a bit of an event this week. Well, before you get to that event, can I just share this with you? This is... I thought you were going to sing then. No. Start spreading the news. Go on.

This is from Dave in Peterborough. OK. Hi, Frank. I was the guy standing in the car dealership reception when you visited on Tuesday morning. I really wanted to say hello, but I didn't want to intrude on you and your family. What are you, a Tory MP? David Mellor outside his house. I was left fascinated as to whether you decided to buy one.

Sorry to interrupt, Frank, but I just felt attention must be paid and I couldn't wait to hear the answer to this. Well, yes, I did. I bought a new car this week. Excellent. It's always a big moment. I've had my last car, which was a Beamer. I had a Beamer.

I've had it for nearly 10 years yeah you ran that thing into the ground and uh based based on that idea that it lasts that long i've got a nine-year-old son and i bought a new car this week and i said look when i'm done with this you can have it when you pass your test which is a very weird thing to say to a nine-year-old you can have this next oh man it is hybrid i i don't think i'll mention the mate because lest the titmouse fall prey to the viper as i believe they say in china um they say in chinese or whatever you know cantonese mandarin whatever they're speaking. But it's parked outside at the moment.

I don't want someone to turn up and take their key down the side of it. You know what I'm talking about? We would do that to you. You know, we live in, you know, the kind of world we're living in at the moment. I'll tell you what I've been doing this week. When you get a new car, especially this one, I'd say slightly bigger than the last one. I have been singing to myself in the car. And I think I often sing when I'm nervous.

And when I first start driving a new car, it's a bit of a, I don't know where anything is. And I don't mean places. I never know where any of those are. No, just the brakes and things like that. I've been singing to the tune of the old Bee Gees classic, literally out loud whilst driving. How wide is my car? How wide is my car, baby?

I really need... Every time there's been traffic coming the other way, parked cars on the side. How wide is my car? How wide is my... If only I'd had the boys in the back. The trilby hat. The transplant.

The beard. Don't mention them. Okay. Anyway, I'll tell you more about it this week because I had a moment in the new car. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I phrase a few things that came up OA Off air?

Yes The trouble is with OA it's the same initials for Arnie Do you know what I mean? It needs tightening up a bit as an abbreviation You see it's your precision which first drew me to you as a friend i bet i bet there's a there's a technical term for off-air

which is off-air it's a bit lame i'm gonna ask the producer who knows these things what's the technical term of well what a surprise she didn't know it okay OK, well, if anyone else... Maybe we can think of our own words. What's French for broadcast? Sans broadcast. No, a bit broadcast. Without broadcast. It doesn't sound like... NB, like non-broadcast.

Anyway, we were talking, yes. We were talking. A couple of things came up. Firstly, we started singing a little song. Yeah. We started singing a little song. Yeah. I'd like to be under the sea in an octopus's garden in the shade.

To which I said, I think an octopus's garden sounds disgusting. I was surprised because I thought, you know, many hands make light work. I'd have thought it would be in particular shape. It's always troubled me, just the concept of it. I can just imagine it being really... I don't agree, Frank.

I just think it would be overrun and just tentacles everywhere. But imagine... Really sleazy. You know those circular soccer things? They would be great for planting. Because it would just lie flat out and then just sock up the soil and then you'd have all those holes in the shape of an octopus and it could make an octopus-shaped floral display.

Can the socker things project the plant in or are they only sucking, if you get my meaning? You mean like a Dyson, Can you blow and sock with a... Does it have a reverse? Yeah, with a tentacle. They call them sockers, I think, which I think is probably a hint. What's the point of them having a garden? They can't get enough pleasure out of it.

They don't sunbathe. No, I know. I don't know why they brought it up. It's another one of their stupid ideas. I tell you what I looked at this week. Sorry if this is a bit Chris Evans talking about the Beatles. Yeah. I saw a list of the Beatles' B-sides.

Good. And if I was the Beatles, if I was Paul McCartney, I'd be thinking, you know, we messed up there. We could have doubled our hits if we'd have held back that I mean it's stuff like

you know this boy and don't let me down like really yeah we're B-sides oh man

I think they it's not like you know three lines karaoke that's what I call a B-side you just want to

chuck something on there you know Beatles lines karaoke that's what I call a B-side you just want to chuck something on there you know Beatles squandered their riches late review yeah let's hope Bush doesn't squander

his riches I was in my I was in my new car but people at home are thinking I keep going on about your new car, why don't you? I tell you what, you're not doing anything to dispel the myth that three lions makes you a tournament

Exactly Everybody uses that cliche Yes, I buy a new car after every major tournament Exactly I've had this car for nearly ten years I know, but I'm worried about him him he's gone a bit spend spend spend like a lottery winner I was driving my

new car, my NC to the my son my son Boz was doing cricket camp this week so I was driving him to cricket camp now you might know this road because it's not too far

from you but it's a very very narrow road and it's got metal like bollard things you're referring to jackson's lane is that what it's called and i was suddenly in this it was like a slalom some sort of slalom i was in with me brand new car that I was driving so tentatively and nervously. It's the narrowest road I've ever been down. I can't believe you took on those bollards. Well, I was there. Suddenly I was there. They were in front of me.

Anyway, I could hear scratching and that as I drove through. I know. There were rats in the boot. But I thought there were rats in my stomach, it felt like. We got through it and i i i couldn't i got him to the creek camp i had a look and you know there's a sort of black robbery bits right there was a bit of that was robbed but i thought that would be okay but i said i'm never ever going down that road again anyway on the way back because i don't know where i mean honestly it looks quite old

it looks like it might have been designed that it would take a sedan chair but not a handsome that's what that looks like the plan behind me

so suddenly I'm confronted by it again and it's you know what I would call the nearness detectors

yeah I don't think that's the technical term but the things that beep when you get close to something what do you Yeah. I don't think that's the technical term, but the things that beep when you get close to something. What do you call it? I don't know. I love nearness detectors. Should we just stick with that?

Yeah. My nearness detectors, personally, haven't gone off for years. It's the sort of... Why I like it, Frank, it's the sort of thing they'd have in a Doctor Who script and say, we'll leave it in for now. now well I think in Doctor Who it'd be like it'd be like vicinity detectors where I like the juxtaposition of nearness which has got a human warmth to it with the word detector okay anyway uh my nearness detectors when I went through it, went absolutely. The beeping.

Do you remember the solo in Tina Turner's Not Bosch City Limits? Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! It was like, honestly, they were saying, what are you doing back in here? They might as well have said that.

A voice, what are you doing back in here? You vowed never to drive. Anyway, you know what? What? I scratched it. Oh, you didn't. Day one. Oh. I did, I scratched it.

You silly Billy. But, you know, I got home and I looked at this scratch and I thought, well, I can relax now. Oh, yeah. It's like the end of an unbeaten run for a football team. I just thought, you know, it couldn't... But day one, and there it was. But now I just thought, now it's just this old car I drive

and I can just relax into it. But, oh, my goodness, I went back. I went back to the narrow road. Don't go back to the narrow road. No. When are you going to come down? Come on, everybody. I can't think of a...

On The Narrow Road My nearest detectors have gone wild And you've gone back to your... Help me. Help me, I'm choking. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Someone has texted us with just the words proximity sensors. Oh, you see, that's more Doctor Who.

See, the difference between proximity and nearness. Yeah. I like your version. Yeah, I like your version. Yeah, I think it's nice to have a human touch, especially as it was a very human experience. I've heard that. Who is that? Was that Dr Troy, the researcher in the history of computing? Troy? We can't get through there, Troy.

That was my impression of phones from Stingray. That was my impression of phones from Stingray. Also, Michael T. Coffey has got in touch. That sounds like a joke name, doesn't it? Michael T. Coffey. There was in Bonanza, the popular Wild West series, there was a Sheriff Roy Coffey, which suggests to me that Coffey is... And, of course, Denise Coffee, the British satirical comedian.

Oh, and, of course, Covfefe, which you may remember Donald Trump was fond of saying. It was when Donald Trump... Is that like toffifee? Do you remember those sweets that were like... You used to get them on the market about six months after they should have been eaten. They were called toffifee? Do you remember those sweets that were like, used to get them on the market about six months after they should have been eaten.

They were called toffifees. Oh, I remember that. Donald Trump tweeted covfefe once. That's right. And everyone said, what is that? That's what became a big deal. And he pretended that he'd meant to tweet it. I think it was one of those 3am mistakes. It's probably an old

tradition where he comes, they throw hot drinks over people at weddings. Anyway, Michael T Coffee has sent us... They make his mind up, doesn't they? It should be Michael T slash coffee, open brackets, whatever's easiest. Do you know when people say that? I love whatever's easiest. What are you having? say that? I love whatever's easiest. What are you having?

Whatever's easiest. Yeah, so difficult. I'll tell you what I'll have. Do you want me to bring anything? Just yourself. Oh, no one ever says that to me. Yeah, they sort of, there's a sense of not yourself.

And the thing is, if I did just bring myself, they'd be slightly disappointed. They want something. You've always got to bring something. Yeah, clothes, for example. Michael T. Coffey, he has tweeted us a picture of Kathy Botham's book. Oh, yeah.

You may remember Ian Botham wrote a book. Yeah, Ian Botham, in case you don't know, a cricketing legend. Ian Botham's book, do you recall what it was called? It was called Don't Tell Kath, wasn't it? Yeah. And Michael T. Coffey says, send us a picture of Kathy Botham's book,

saying, I'm sure Frank can really relate to this book. Love, Michael. Kathy Botham, Living With A Legend. Oh, man. Kathy Botham's got a book out now. When we say now, I think this might have been some years ago. Oh, yeah, a vintage book. Yes.

But for some reason, I think it's been unearthed. Oh, OK. OK. I haven't seen Ian Botham for ages. Not on the coverage anymore. Why? Okay, anyway, he'll be back. Yeah, I saw Ian Botham once walking across the forecourt at Lord's on the phone,

but almost definitely not on the phone. Oh, I see. Sort of pretending to be on the phone so he didn't get spoken to. Oh, yeah, he was a wily old fox. Don't forget this one is texting. Can every dog swim? 8, 12, 15. I'll tell you what's another thing in the NC this week,

the new cars, driving bus to radio first morning, to cricket rather. Well, there was a Freudian slip. Yeah. Okay. And he said, can we have the radio on? And I said, probably.

And it was one of that, oh, what does this button do? It's a very stressful business. But I met a man this week who knows about all sorts of things to do with the environment and that. He's a bit of an expert on that. And I said, so how soon driverless cars? What did he say? He said, look, I'll be straight with you.

I said, keep this under your hat. So here we are. He said, it's not going to happen, driverless cars. He said, it's all, yeah. He said, there's been a lot of talk. He said, you might, at one point in the future, there might be one lane on the motorway or something that's he said but he ran the city so forget about it it's a myth it's very

difficult isn't it essentially turns the world into a massive real version of the trolley problem that they talk about in philosophy what is the trolley problem is that when you your trousers are to too tight? If you pull a handle, a train goes into either one person or four people. And so they're basically, like, they're talking... It's a bit... It's a thought experiment, that's the phrase. OK. Well, I'll leave you two gentlemen to discuss these matters

while I go about them at night. They can't quite figure out how to let, like, nerds decide if the driverless cars avoid stuff or hit stuff. It's quite difficult, isn't it? Yeah. I wonder how long it would be before you could, you wouldn't be looking through the front window. You'd just be in the back seat, snogging maybe, maybe snogging.

That's what driverless cars, they'll just become sort of love pods, won't they, for philanderers. That's what they'll be. How awful. Yeah, I'm not sure. Yeah. Who was this character? Husbands turning up in other driverless cars

and blokes climbing out the window in their pants like Robin Asquith films. Oh, it's not the future, it's the past. The driverless car, the terrible past. It's not going to happen, apparently. I've got it on official voice. Forget it. Don't build your hopes on the driver.

You people are saying, I'm not doing my test, I'll wait for the driverless cars. You'll wait forever. Can I tell you what I like about driverless cars? It's that they're not very cool. You can't, you know, when people are cruising with an arm out the window. Yeah.

Checking out the honeys. Yeah. Driverless cars sitting in the back seat doing that. Yeah, going zzzz. Like, it's a chairlift, isn't it? I mean, it's basically that. Zzzz. Hey! How you doing?

Yeah. Oh, no. Luckily, they're never going to happen. As you know, when I was at school, I was promised hover cars. That's what was said. When you're 25, there'll be hover cars. And moving pavement's all rubbish. We were fed a pack of lies.

We were, absolute pack. Tomorrow's World. They told us CDs were indestructible. Tomorrow's World was a pack of lies. It was. Absolute. The BBC. I believe that's what it was subtitled.

I think there should be, on the historical offences, the BBC should be taken to court about how it lied to the contrary through the medium of tomorrow's world. Yes, and credit cards will be luminous and float above our heads. When? When will that happen? Every week. We won't need windows anymore. We'll have implants in our retina, which means we can see through walls.

This will happen in about 1988. What? Vile lies of tomorrow's world. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. This morning's texting is Foo Fighters, a pun based on Carl Douglas' Kung kung fu fighting i'd like to know i'd like to know the octopus is gone you know it makes me a bit sick well um on the just just going back just for a second to the new car one of the things i ask you know when people go in and say yeah has it got a 3.5 liter and all that stuff I said has it got a cd player he said we don't get asked that very often the thing is I've got because during lockdown I wasn't driving much I've got about 20 big finish doctor who audio cds that I haven't listened to yet. And if I'm in a car... You didn't tell the man that.

I didn't go into absolute... I didn't list the titles. But I said I've got some CDs that need to be listed. I think he probably had the measure of you. Yeah. Also, Al, when he says... What if he'd guessed me? What if he said,

oh, you don't have some backlog of Big Finish CDs? You've got me. You've nailed me. Do you know what? You would have paid any price for that. That would have been lovely. Can I share this with you from Matt Shin? From your chin?

No. Sorry. From Matt Shin. Oh, sorry. Can you let Frank know I've just downloaded a comedian's prayer book and I'll be up the baggies later? Thanks. Well, what a combo.

I like to think that some sort of... Cowboys and aliens. Your breadth and wits and everything about you. Thank you so much. I understand someone sent in earlier that the comedian's prayer book is 99 pence

download on Kindle. It's a special day. That's a bargain. You know I's a bargain. Yeah. It's a special... You know I love a bargain. Yeah. What about my thing on...

I went on Kindle, and you know when they say, if you like this, you'll probably like one of those. And it was my autobiography that I suggested. Oh. How weird that they arrived.

I often get that recommended to me. I've got it already Can I just say I pay full price for Comedians Prayer Book God bless you 036 God bless you Mrs There's something of the Dickensian orphan about that Marvel superheroes

What job would they do If they decided to stop the old adventures business I reckon the Hulk would work in scaffolding. Spider-Man, truant officer. Really? That's from Nige. Truant officer. Why I wonder, truant officer.

I mean, is there... Good catch. I thought it'd be a great... You know, if you worked at one of the larger libraries, like the British Library, Spider-Man, you know, and they'd be straight up the shelves for the obscure top shelf book. There's something officious about Batman, isn't there?

He's not Marvel, can I say? Oh, is he not? Oh, I don't know. What about Doctor Octopus? What's a gaff? I'll never be able to hold my head high in the Doctor Who community again. Doctor Octopus, of course, could do gardening. Well, I was just going to say, he'd be a marvellous gardener. Well, whatever he did, he'd be a fine multitasker.

So which one? So hang on, is Batman and Spider-Man? Spider-Man. Spider-Man and Batman. Hold it, Doctor Octopus is that cultural what do they call it when you take

your culture cultural appropriation becoming a octopus when he hasn't you know he hasn't been brought up as an octopus

he doesn't understand the full concept of it he doesn't know who does he think he is who does he think he is Doc Ock Spider-Man and Batman. Are they the same Marvel people?

No. Oh, why? There's two big basic strands. Oh, is it like R2-D2 and Capulet? Yes, yeah. DC and Marvel. So DC, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, and then Marvel, Spider-Man, you know, the Avengers.

Why don't they just make it all one and they're never as easy for people? Because competition is an important factor in achieving the best. That's what probably one of their executives would say. Okay, okay. Okay. Okay.

Oh, I'm feeling good this way. would say. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Ooh, I'm feeling good this way. One thing about new car, great cardiovascular. That feeling of tremendous tension every time you drive the car. You've got that, can I say you've got that

new car show offy thing? I have. I like it. I'm going to make the most of it. Scratch new car. SNC. Yeah, I'm going to be showing off my scratches lately, and I haven't been doing that for many, many a year.

Oh, I remember having to say to a partner that it wasn't actually fingernails on my back. I'd used sandalwood and pine soap, and it had some real branches in it. What's going on? I mean, it's a bit worse than tomorrow's world, and it had some real branches in it. What's going on? I mean, it's a bit worse than Tomorrow's World

and it's terrible lies. By the way, the BBC, if they gave up on, you know their thing of not giving pensioners a free licence? Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. That would be compensation, wouldn't it, for having misled them for 40 years? They'd better lawyer up. Yes, they'd better. If I was the pensioner, that would be compensation, wouldn't it, for having misled them for 40 years? They'd better lawyer up. Yes, they'd better. If I was the pensioners, that would be my angle.

Hold on a minute. We were misled in every department. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I share a couple of outside world correspondence with you? Oh, do. You probably can, but if you do, Frank might think you'll be in a bit of trouble. Ian Stewart Dootson. OK.

Re-Marvel Superheroes Second Jobs. I reckon Iron Man would write a book about Ted Hughes. Do you get that? Oh, very clever. That is good. Then he continues, ISD This tweet was constructed in a factory containing praise Fragments may remain

It's a not allergy thing, very clever So Iron Man, in case anyone is unaware Is a Ted Hughes science fiction book I think it's a children's book Howard Grater Snoop Dogg literally has a song Ted Hughes' science fiction book. Well, it's a children's book. Howard Greater. Snoop Dogg literally has a song. This is in reference to Can Dogg Swim, Frank,

one of our textings. Snoop Dogg literally has a song called I Can't Swim, though it is from an album released in 2000. He may have learnt by now. I imagine he has a pool. Praise redacted. Yeah, I mean, the fact that Snoop Dogg can't swim doesn't really get to the core of my question, which is can all dogs swim?

You said all dogs. Is Snoop Dogg not a dog? Well, I don't... He's not canine. OK. Declan Healy... You never specifically said that. No. Declan Healy, Border Collies struggle. Yeah, but what about the swimming? They're not brilliant said that. No. Declan Healy, border collies struggle. Yeah, but what about the swimming?

They're not brilliant at everything. Okay. We have, there seems to be some sort of mixed views on that. Claire Hamilton, mine walks around puddles. Mine does too. See, I honestly thought they could all swim. Thank God I haven't put this to the test on a regular basis. No.

Because that would be terrible. If you kept the lead on, I suppose. A girl has no name says, my friend's British bulldog used to sink like a stone. Oh, wow. But used to suggest that it came back up again, you know. Oh, what hopes?

It doesn't necessarily suggest that. And Hazalad says, I once saw a Labrador do a convincing backstroke whilst on a caravanning holiday in Great York. Can't be right. A backstroke. That cannot be right. I think they'd been at the local ales, that guy.

God, I hope there wasn't a blind person drowning underneath you. Oh, no. Oh, man. I'll tell you, that's a terrible image upsetting. It's going to all come in. Yeah, I've got my shih tzu into the butterfly stroke. I think, according to my dad, if you pull their front legs apart, their heart bursts.

So I don't think of that stroke. That's an awful thing to say. He was a medical man he wasn't yeah so maybe if I think the

upshot of this is do check very tentatively before you put your dog in water don't assume that they do swim but that's my

sort of serious message at the end of this what about that professional that they do swim. But that's my sort of serious message at the end of this. What about that? Okay. Professional. Phil C has got in touch regarding our ongoing text. Text in, can dogs swim? Yes, and little dogs have auto-swim.

If you hold them above water, even a bath, their legs start swimming. Is that right? I've never seen that. Oh, I think I was steaming one once, and it started. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was trying to get a stamp off it.

That's interesting. But he's saying, yes, all dogs dogs can swim and we've had owners saying that they they can't we've also had carl jukes who says our dog daisy can indeed swim in spite of being a mountain dog however she chooses not to and chooses to just paddle i like this but that's swimming isn't it well then carl says however, the big wave incident proved that she can indeed, when push comes to shove, swim quite well. This happened in Newquay. OK. Oh, yeah, they get some big waves in Newquay.

They do. They surf. They surf in Newquay. The dogs. Some of them do. The dogs? Some of them do. Finally, Clive Silas has said,

Foo Fighters are rogue radar echoes found in air warfare, i.e. phantom enemies. Oh, wow. That's what Foo Fighters are. Nothing to do with Carl Douglas. No. That's a shame. Some of the great grunting backing vocals of all time. Everybody was kung fu fighting.

There are very, very few songs with grunting backing vocals. Hey, I heard a good fact about Bruce Lee on somebody's podcast the other day. Apparently he was very paranoid about his armpit sweat and not long before his death he got his sweat glands removed from his armpits. Wow. Good fact, isn't it?

It is. When I think of those fight scenes in the Bruce Lee films, I think of him sans hair in the armpit area. Yes, I know what you mean. Yeah, but I'll have to go back and look at them. I've got the box set. Well, I have heard of that. There's sort of a

Botox shot in the arm before an Oscar appearance. To do what? Stop the sweat glands producing sweat. Wow. Why don't people just be? 8, 12, 15. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. I was talking to Omar Khan, my tour manager. Oh, red shoes. He was telling me how he went pink shoes, actually. Oh, sorry. He went to a cricket match and he went out, I think, to the toilet, came back and he'd missed the Australian captain, Ricky Ponting, getting out first ball. And I was talking about then how I stayed up, my parents let me stay up for the moon landing in 69. My parents let me stay up for the moon landing in 69.

And they landed and then I fell asleep. When I woke up, they'd been out and gone back in again. So I missed the actual walk. And I was thinking about, I thought that'd be, that's the sort of texting you could do, is things I missed. What do you think i like i like it because it's i like it because it's got a sort of anxiety and regret feeling about it which is uh it's good so um what what's um what's the best things you've missed okay um keep it clean as ever. We've also got some if Marvel people.

I don't know quite how this happened, this texting. Well, it's not a texting, but you know, you have to let these people run with it. No, it's the people's texting. I had nothing to do with it. The people have spoken. Yeah. Okay. Spiderman, window cleaner. Yeah. yeah okay i can see that oh yeah we've got some other suggestions spider-mad pest control i think they meant spider-man spider-man

um he could have like from the l but he could wear like chamois leather gauntlets. And shoes. And he could do, like, several windows at, like, former gardener Dr Octopus would be a very good window cleaner. I see him as a sort of Robin Asquith figure. A bit cheeky. Mr Butler, Captain America, MAGA baseball cap salesman. Oh, OK. Yeah, okay. Okay.

I thought you might be quite good in a pizza place, Captain America, delivering them from way back in the kitchen. Just sending them over. Andrew from Eastbourne has suggested the X-Man's Wolverine would be a dab hand as a meat slicer. See him in a deli with us. Yeah, my problem with Wolverine is, I know if he was a friend of mine,

every now and again he'd say, can you get my, I've got a scratch on my back there. Just there. You wouldn't be able to resist. Imagine the joy of Wolverine doing right down the base of the spine. Yeah, but imagine dating him. That's a whole other story. No, I can't imagine dating him.

Although he is a song and dance man, of course, by night. A bit different. I need to discuss something with you both. It's related to Charles and Diana's wedding cake. Okay. To use the Nana lexicon, Lady Di. Lady Di, yeah. Marvellous for that Lady Di stuff. Oh, I love it when the Nans, the Nans wouldn't let go.

It's a bit like Kate Middleton, isn't it? And Meghan Markle. You get to know their first, their name and that's their name forever. It was Lady Di. So the wedding itself, July 81. I remember it was a day off. What did you do? I got very drunk.

Indeed. Really depressing. I remember being... What a joke! I was on a big central reservation and the police, I was climbing a lamppost and the police came over and said, come on, mate. And he said, I think he said,

it's a special day for everybody, don't spoil it. Was that the time that they got the big trampoline over the back of the fire engine for you? No, when they used to of the back of the fire engine for you? No, they didn't When they used to hold the blanket the firefighters No, they didn't I weren't that high

Coming up in Lampos what would George Hornby have said? I think I was just Yeah I don't know I was seeking a fresher air perhaps Okay, well you subsequently found it and you know

Yes, exactly You're in a great place now So what I would like to draw your attention to is that a slice of the wedding cake from Charles' Wedding to Lady Di has sold at auction for nearly two Gs. Wow. Yeah. I believe it's £1,850.

God. Yeah, it's a 40-year-old cake. Yeah. I believe it's 1,850. Yeah, for a 40-year-old cake. Yeah. Now, you know I love a bargain. You can buy fresh cake for like a quid, two quid. Ow, 40-year-old eggs. I don't eat weak old eggs. There is something tragic about the cake that lasted 19 years longer than the marriage as well.

Oh, no. Yeah, doomed. It was originally given to a member of the Queen Mother's household, I believe. She preserved it with cling film. Of course she did. She was a nana. Yeah.

And it was one of 23 cakes. Discuss. Well, I'll tell you what my first thought. 23 cakes, yeah. How much did they pay? Two grand for this slice. The old Rameo's still gleaming. I'll tell you what it's got.

It's got a bit of a... You know when you see Chewbacca's bandolier for sale and you realise that they made like 117 bandoliers for Chewbacca, many of which was just in a wardrobe and never worn. It's got that feeling. Charles and Diana might not have been within 150 yards of that cake. That's what I would say. But 23 wedding cakes.

Who was coming to their wedding? The world's strongest men. Well, weren't they all at the wedding? What? The cakes. Who was coming to their wedding? The world's strongest men. Well, weren't they all at the wedding? What? 23? Yes. Yeah, they all made it to the actual reception. Anyone at that wedding, text in 8, 12, 15.

I suppose. The cakes all made it. If you're slicing the cake with a ceremonial sword, you could do like three or four at a time to save time. But I would be, whoever has bought this, I can't help thinking they've just bought a slice of cake. I'll tell you who's bought it. Jerry in Leeds. Jerry Aiton, I believe his name is. And he's a luxury boat charterer. And I do like the sound of Jerry. Yeah, I wonder what the business is like

in Leeds. I hear that thing, Leeds has changed. I don't think Jerry... Luxury boat. He doesn't, I think he wears a sort of Bermuda shorts and a captain's hat. I don't think he's the type to bid online. Are you thinking of L. Ron Hubbard?

I think he picks up the phone and says, hello, talkie 2478. He bid over the phone. From Leeds, though. That seems wrong to me. He didn't get it on the Yorkshire version

of eBay. eBay gone. We're talking about Mrs Smith and her 40 year old slice of wedding cake. Now I believe

her cake was bought by a collector sometime in around the 2008 mark. She had, this is prior to Gerry, she kept her slice in an, I didn't like the way you said yeah, in an old floral cake tin.

Okay, well that's, it's a cake tin. Fair enough. She taped a handmade label to the lid. Reading Handle with Care. Prince Charles and Princess Diane's wedding cake. Diane. Yeah, she said Diane. She went Diane. See, if she'd have stopped with the old lady die,

there wouldn't have been that problem. The faux pas. I can't understand why it hasn't um disintegrated into a bubbling horror show you know um recently um kath um made a she iced uh but bozzy's birthday cake with an alice cooper face oh how's that how did that that was great that looked good. It did look really good, but Boz wouldn't let us, A, cut the face. We had to take the icing off to cut the cake, and then he wouldn't throw the icing away,

so we've kept it. And now, you know, there's a slight living dead chic that Alice Cooper always aspired to. He's really got it now, like a bobbling, postural, covered green face. It's very much it now. Like a bubbling, posture-covered, green face. It's very much what he would have wanted. Exactly.

Exactly. And so I don't know how this is kept. Although, having said that, in my fridge, I still have a marzipan corgi from the Queen's 82nd birthday cake. And that's heldnd birthday cake. And that's held up very well. Did you wrap that in cling film and put it in a tin? Is that the difference? No, I held it over water and its little legs moved.

It's a supernatural moment for me. Yeah, so that... I'll tell you what I did. I went to see the Rolling Stones at Birmingham Odeon in the early 70s. Go to said soup tour if you're an aficionado.

And at one point, Mick Jagger, I was in the marsh pit at the front and Mick Jagger scattered rose petals over us all and I kept

some of those rose petals and I put, I had a wallet, my first ever wallet. I remember it kept some of those rose petals and I put, I had a wallet my first ever wallet I remember it was one of those where I kept the wallet photo of a woman, I don't know who it was and she was one of the photos in it

but there was a small pocket for change and I put the rose petals in there because Mick Jagger had touched them and they rotted most horribly and went mouldy and disgusting. I had the same thing with them. I got hold of some of the rose petals that Madonna had a bath in. Do you remember? Oh, yeah, did you now?

Yeah, I got them on eBay. £1,850 they were. Bargain. Looking back on it, I wish I'd got wedding cake from Lady Di at Prince Charles' wedding. But that's the problem with being a collector, isn't it? There's so much to get. Oh, I mean, yeah.

I think with these rose petals, though, there was an element of the rose petals of Dorian Gray, in that Mick Jagger continues to be the snake-hipped sexy front man of the Stones as the petals dissolved into pulp, so maybe I rescued the great singer

maybe I, this is what they'd say in the Daily Mail, maybe I rescued the jumping Jack Flash singer from getting to Oh you, TV funny man Frank Skinner. Exactly. Madcap broadcaster Chris Evans. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. email the show via the absolute radio website i've really gone off hot chocolate oh i used to like it but i think i was

in a seaside cafe once and i ordered one and it came with a lot of squirty cream and marshmallows and stuff and it was like afterwards I felt like I'd had dysentery for two weeks You felt you'd cheddar gorged a bit. I had I'd cheddared big time I ate something recently I can't remember what it was but a

confectionery item and I said god that's too sweet and my son said only adults ever say that. Isn't it a French term as well? Too sweet. What does that mean? Quickly or, what does it mean? All at once or something.

It fits with the sugar rush idea. We've been discussing the wedding cake and this is a message that you're about to tell us about, I'm sure, Emily Dean. Well, Al, I was going to say Ultra Magnus, who's had quite a lot of real estate so far this morning. Yeah, yeah, he's basically been... We might have to send him a salary.

Let's not. But not without good reason, because he's pointed out most wedding cakes. This is the 40-year-old and lady die uh slice of wedding cake for mrs smith most wedding cakes are made with fruit soaked in booze they're better preserved than damien hirst's sharks okay do you see it is ironic that it'd be wedding cakes that'd be one of the longest lasting cakes whilst tied to one of the flimsiest of conventions. Indeed.

I don't like to cast aspersions on this, but charterer from Leeds, I don't like to do that. No. But this purchase does have a whiff of somebody who's in his cups online, perhaps, you know. Oh, do you think? I'll just finish this glass of wine and I'm just going to be up in a bit.

And then he's gone online looking for like carrot cake recipes. And two hours later, he's buying wedding cake for nearly £2,000. Do you know how he's got bevied up? You're right. But there are people out there, and I think I can safely talk about them because none of them will be listening to this. I used to have neighbours who their living room was an absolute shrine to the royal family.

It was all sorts of, not just like plates, ceremonial plates, but framed photos of the Queen and stuff like that. And they had like cushions with the crown on and all that. So they're out there, so he could be one of those guys. That's an uncanny description of the room that I'm broadcasting from in Manchester. Uncanny. Well, the Royal Armoury, of course, I believe'm broadcasting from in Manchester. Uncanny. Well, the Royal Armoury, of course, I believe, is in Leeds, so that might be why he moved there.

Maybe. What sort of a person is Mrs Smith, formerly of the Queen Mother's household in Clarence House, who hangs on to the cake for up until the point when she sold it was a 30-year period. Slim, slim person. I bought a packet of Jaffa cakes the other day. I didn't even make it home before eating five.

I wonder if the Queen did that old psychological test and said, I'm going to give you one slice of this and then I'm going to come back and if you haven't eaten it I'll give you two slices. And she waited. The Queen forgot. The Queen had all the stuff on her hands and this woman has just sat looking at this slice thinking, when is Her Majesty

coming back? I'm starving. That's my theory. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I did I kept That's my theory. I kept the tip of a cigarette that was not smoked by Mark Eastsmith from the fall, but given to me by Mark Eastsmith. So it's a slightly strange thing because I smoked it, but Mark Eastsmith gave it to me.

I should say he had me strapped in a laboratory chair in a harness and he was doing experimentations about tobacco. Stop it. No, he didn't. That's a lovely memento to pass on to Buzz, the old cigarette butt. It is, yeah. But I should have kept one of Marky Smith's cigarette boxes. You've bought some memorabilia over the years, but you don't tend to get bevvied up these days. No.

You don't ever get bevvied up. So do you get a rush when you've bought, say, a ukulele or a prayer book? Well, I bought, I don't know if I bought, I was sent a hair from Elvis's horse. Oh! What? I just said nay. Oh, sorry, I missed that. And I've still got that, and that's kept remarkably well

because it's organic you would think but hair is a good keeper I saw a lock of Napoleon's hair that was in good shape the only things I've got as you both well know are the letter from Arthur Miller

and the earrings worn by Linda Blair, the child in The Exorcist. Oh, excellent. That's good. What would have been the... If you're going to collect Napoleon's hair,

what you want on a white card is that sort of flattened down fringe. Just that. You could just collect those. You could have Oliver Hardy Napoleon. Oh, yes. let me show you my flattened-down fringe collection.

Oh, that's a strange question mark motif. What are they called, those little curls? What are, like, a curlicue? Kiss Curls. Oh, is it a... Oh, very good. Frank, I've thought of another one. I do want to be a good one.

Lisa Stansfield. Oh, yes. If you one? Oh, very good. Frank, I've thought of another one. I do want to be a good one. Lisa Stansfield. Oh, yes. If you kept that. My Fringe collection. Excuse me. You could have a Fringe festival. Play a jingle. It's good enough.

Find a jingle for that. I like that enough. It's good, Frank. Okay, I'm going to play a jingle. It's great. I'm going to pick one completely at random. Come on. Around her neck

She wore a yellow ribbon Everybody, she wore it all over. Everybody. She wore it in the springtime and in the month of May. Oh, yeah. Frank, Mercule Poirot. Yes. Does he not have a kiss girl? I think he might have certainly flattened down a fringe.

I can't quite picture. I can't get past the moustache. Okay. Did I tell you a woman I used to work with who did my make-up also did his make-up on Poirot, David Suchet's. Oh, yeah. And she used to, she was the keeper of the moustache, so she used to turn up with the moustache in her car.

And it was like pride of place thing. And when the programme ended, he bought her like a four-foot version of the moustache to keep on her wall, like, you know, like bullhorns. Oh, did he? I once saw Jerry Lee Lewis arrive at a theatre in a Cadillac with bull horns on the front of it. And if I was David Suchet, I would have driven a car with an enormous moustache,

one of those waxed moustaches. If I was Napoleon, obviously I'd have been a little ahead of my time, but I'd have had the fringe coming off the edge of the bonnet, flattened down to the grill. These are the things I would have done if I'd been those people. Can I share with you some examples of things people have missed? Oh, yes. I was talking to my tour manager about him missing an entire Ricky Ponting one-ball innings.

I should explain, if you don't know about cricket, Ricky Ponting was a brilliant batsman. But he was also the captain of Australia. So the joy of watching him go out first ball would have been really delightful. To miss that is a got poncher. Anthony Moss. I was in a lift going up to my friend's flat on my own. I got in in 1999. I got out in 2000.

I was on my way back from getting some cigarettes and I heard a cheer before I realised. Oh, wow. You know, I saw in the Millennium on stage with my arm around Eric Clapton. And we were singing Old Lang Syne and he was playing it on electric guitar. Pretty cool. He liked an electric guitar, Eric Clapton.

Linda Denigan, an elderly friend I knew, went to Buckingham Palace with her son when he went to get his OBE. She nodded off during the ceremony after accidentally taking a sleeping tablet instead of a water tablet. Oh, wow. Oh, dear. Wow.

I think I've mentioned this on the show before, but I slept through my first ever take-off in an aeroplane. Wow. Because as I think I've mentioned this on the show before, but I slept through my first ever take-off in an aeroplane. Wow. Because as I think I've told you, my first ever flight was to Australia. In at the deep end. Yeah. Well, actually, I think it was like Jakarta

and then changing to Australia. No, she went to her own accord. Yeah, exactly, yeah. But I'd got the night bus, the National Express, overnight from Leeds or Dewsbury or somewhere, and by the time I got on the aeroplane, excited about take-off, I said to the person next to me, oh, this is my first ever flight,

and then promptly fell asleep and woke up in the air. That's brilliant, though. Total miss. I always think one of those long haul flights, if you sleep, it's a lovely treat. Oh, it's so nice. If someone else is paying, if I'm paying, I will use matchsticks to stay awake for the whole flight

so I get every possible feel. You want to get all the freeps that you can. I want the film, I want the peanuts. I want it all, I want it all. Well, that's why it's considered you're meant to just sort of just order a water, aren't you? Because you have to look comfortable with all these things and I can't, I'm afraid.

Did I tell you when I flew? It's a treat for me. I flew to Belfast and I was with Kath and Kath's a nervous flyer and this woman started saying, Oh, Frank, can you tell why you're sitting next to us? And I could tell Kath was getting more and more tense as this woman talked more and more and faster. And I had

to say, look, do you want to be that woman who people afterwards say, oh God, there was this woman on the plane who and it was awful but I had to take her down or I think Kath might have had a breakdown that's my excuse

I'd like to return to the subject of weddings briefly we were doing Charles and Diana's cake, weren't we? There's a story that's gone viral this week, as they say online, and it's a man who did a best man speech

at a wedding, didn't think of a joke about the bridesmaids, and then on the day, kind of semi-improvised that one of them was not as pretty as the others and said something along the lines of, you all know which one. And it backfired so badly

that the bride and groom asked him to leave. Because it turned out that apparently one of the bridesmaids was a little plain and self-conscious maybe and burst into tears. It could be that they all felt they were the one. Do you know what I mean? That's why I think he should have been allowed to stay. It's a joke, isn't it? Surely.

Well, I know, but it's difficult. I'll tell you something about speeches at weddings. In my experience, I, of course, am very quick to perpetuate the myth that stand-up comedy is the most difficult job in the world and there's only a handful of humans on the planet who could do it. But I have seen in the last 10 years some brilliant wedding speeches that have been really funny and well planned out

and they've had visual aids and also and I'm starting to think stand-up comedy might be like when I was a kid we were told that people who ran the marathon in the Olympics were super humans the fact that anyone could run 26 miles and now you watch the marathon on the telly and there's like an 83 year old woman dressed as Barney the Dinosaur running it. We were, again, we were lied to. There's vile lies in the past about the marathon. Maybe stand-up comedy.

I honestly, I'm generally impressed by speeches I hear at weddings. I am too, but it's one speech. OK? Let's hear your material out of the spotlight. Yeah, but I do know comedians who've done the same 20 minutes for about 15 years. I'm here. OK.

I said, I'm here. Sorry, I forgot you were here. Oh, God, it's awkward. Now, Ali's not one of them, can I? No, I'm not. Can I say? I mean, what... So this character... What about'm not. Can I say? I mean, what? So this character.

What about, hold on, what about when I went to her? I was a best man at a wedding and the bride's dad got on. This was years ago back home in the West Midlands. And the bride's dad said, look at all these lovely presents here today. He said, my mum and dad said when they got married, they only got two presents total um a night dress for my mom and the copy of the holy bible and he said uh and if my dad always said if he'd lifted that bible as often as he'd lifted that night dress he'd be the archbishop of canterbury i always thought that was a great it's's a great opera, isn't it?

And it's any joke when the punchline is the Archbishop of Canterbury, it just feels really rich to me. And also work with reference to a knight's dress. I mean, I was at this wedding 1864. Well, it was a long time ago, I must say, but fine, very fine. I appreciate we're running out of time. I would just like to leave you to ponder this. Can we have the exact quote, just to leave everyone to ponder, what this gentleman said?

He said, bridesmaids, I'm a bit short of time here and I don't really know you all, so I'd just like to say that five out of six of you look stunning today. Figure it out amongst yourselves. Yes. Now, I think that's an alright joke if you've had a look at the bridesmaids and made sure

that no one's going to get hurt by that. They've all got to be a nine out of ten. I mean, if I did that on stage, I think I'd have to take the rap. I think he made a major error and laps to take the rap. I think he made a major error and lapsed into the curlew. He was slightly curlew

and people will not forgive. I'd like to see what he looks like. People don't forgive curlew in the modern world. I'm afraid he had to go is my... Oh, he gots to go. He had to go. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Can we get back to the wedding, Frank? Okay? Yes, let's get back to the wedding. With the awkward speech. The BM. Ian Angle has texted saying that is the worst man's speech, which is a play on best man, of course. Yeah.

You got it. I went to a wedding where a former DJ from this very station had been the best man. I don't know if I should name. It was Geoff Lloyd. And I said to someone, I said, how did the Best Man speech go? And they said, well, let me just put it this way.

It involved a sink plunger. And I still don't know whether that meant that that was a good review or a bad one. I mean, I think Lloyd knows what he's doing. I hope it was a Dalek joke though, because once you get past there, you go into some dark places with sink plunger

props. If anyone made any sort of Dalek reference at any nuptials involving me, I would de-friend instantly. OK. OK? Be asked to leave, like this character in the news story. Did I say that when I was asked to leave a party?

When I was... Which one? I mean, this is one I'm prepared to talk about. I was about 17, and we were at this party at this woman's house and we knew and she was playing records yes records and um so there's this um elvis um it's called something like the elvis album and it was in the days like with top of the pops albums where it's it's not the original artist it's someone like doing a bit of an impression yeah and it was cheap yeah so um she said to me

uh and she said oh you love elvis don't you as well and i said i do i said i said obviously this is an elvis she said what no i said well this actually is an el. She said, what? I said, well, this actually is an Elvis. And she said, Mark, can you switch that off? So this guy switched it off. She said, I think you'd better go. I said, what? She said, just get out.

I said, all I said was it. She said, just get out. And I, we were talking, I was talking about this with an old schoolmate years later. And he said, I think I'd forgot. He said, the great thing was, he said, as you left, he said, yeah, well, making me go won't make it Elvis. Can I just call that peak skinner? But it wasn't, It wasn't Elvis.

It was someone doing the thing. I mean, my goodness. We believe you, Frank. I know, but fancy taking it that badly? She didn't. Still, she's one of my contemporaries, so I won't slag her off. She's probably no longer with us.

Okay. Anyway. What a lovely note to end things on. I think so. Okay, so thanks for listening today, as ever, Anyway. What a lovely note to end things on. I think so. Okay, so thanks for listening today, as ever. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.