The Frank Skinner Show - Neckshavers

Episode Date: April 15, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has a question about shampoo and has tried an unusual drink. The team also discuss the Southern fried Easter egg, Man vs Bee and Heston’s Golden Apple.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Now it says this in block capitals on my piece of instruction paper. We are not live, do not text. We're pre-recording this show so don't text us, you'll be wasting your money. text. We're pre-recording this show, so don't text us. You'll be wasting your money. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, however,

at Frank on the Radio. Furthermore, email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk That's the housekeeping out the way. I like the way it was done. It was sort of very to the point. Don't text us, you'll be wasting your money.

I like that. Yeah, I think it's... You don't hear furthermore enough. No. No, I was talking about, I suggested, you know I do a poetry podcast, I don't know if you're aware of that, and I suggested that sometimes you read a poem more

and you think of more stuff and find more stuff in it. I was on about a spin-off series called Furthermore in which I talked about my extra bits. We could do it with this, maybe. It wouldn't work! All right, crowd's a bit gobby today. Listen, I know this isn't a book club, but my partner, Kath,

is currently reading Bridget Christie's A Book for Her. Bridget Christie, the comedian, obviously. Yeah, so she's reading that now. She hasn't been to Waterstones. She ain't been to Dawn's. Where did she get this book? Did she Amazonianise it?

No, no. Where did she get it? She got it from David Baddiel's front wall. Ah. So people... Theft.

No, no, not theft. No, Frank. Yeah, he was asleep next to it. I have... With a cocktail with a straw in it

and an umbrella. I have perused David Baddiel's wall. Have you? I do. I was leaving yours once. I think I did pop, I don't, well, I would have popped into his, but I got distracted by the wall. Because he leaves a lot of wares out on that wall.

He does. And you know what? If I was going to put stuff on my front wall, in case you're not familiar with this as a tradition, people ran by us, put stuff they don't want on their front wall so that passers-by are welcome to take it. You may recall I had a difficult incident with a box of New Yorker magazines where I thought, oh, can I have all of them?

Would that be all right? And I ommed and aahed, and on my way back I thought, oh, can I pick, can I have all of them? Would that be all right? And I ommed and aahed, and on my way back, I decided, yes, I shall take them all, and I will read them, and they will be loved. And then, of course, it had gone. I wasn't imagining the right thing at all. Of course, front wall and the outside and the street. What were you picturing?

I thought this was some weird way of referring to one of those sort of built-in wall bookshelf things inside the house. Well, then it's a good job I explained it. Thank God for furthermore. It's got a low slung red brick, David Baddiel. Well, I think that would be a betrayal of confidence. We did do a PETA adverta advert together completely naked no really how did it go um it was all right there was no rabbit involved there was a rabbit isn't no there wasn't a rabbit

oh you know what i mean no that was a different that was a different event i remember that morning he was he was in the living room and I just walked through the living room completely naked just to get it out the way and he'd never seen me naked before I just started and went morning completely naked did you get her feedback

I got a wolf whistle as the door closed it could have been a squeaky hinge I'll never know so anyway it's very handy his wall though that's great she got yes now i should say it looked it looked red the book so i'm guessing that he's done that honorable thing that people do is read a book and then think i will disperse this honorable not if you're in the publishing business, but if you're, you know, a socialist.

So it's called, as I say, a book for her. Now, I wouldn't read a book called that because, as you know, I've spoken about this before, a sort of clinical obedience. And you know the thing I always say is I won't eat an after eight mint before eight which is sounds like a joke but bars my son was bought an after eight um easter egg um lovely choice for a 10 year old and last night we were getting ready for bed

and he'd come round with a big gob full of chocolate round the corner and my partner said, no chocolate this time of the night. And I said, it's quarter to nine, meaning it is after eight. So I fell into that thing. But a book called A Book For Her, I would think, oh, I best not read that.

So my partner's reading it. Well, isn't it a callback to A Bic for Her? Oh, of course. I think it might be. It's not often I miss a pun, but I miss that baby. Can I say, just to round up my sort of obsessive doing what I'm told, I remember getting really quite miffed on a boss once

when a woman had a baby in a Tuesday bib. And it was in a Tuesday. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I was talking about David Baddiel's war giving.

He's one of the war givers. I went past recently, pre-Bridget Christie, a book for her. And there were religious items on David's wall. There was a statue of the Blessed Virgin, a light-up picture of Jesus, and a sort of what looks like onyx.

Maybe it was onyx. An onyx medallion with a cross on it. Oh, right. On some sort of leather thong. And... I knew you were coming. Again, I thought, I'll get them on the way back. some sort of leather thong. And again... He knew you were coming. Again, I thought, I'll get them on the way back.

I was taking the dog for a walk on the heath. I didn't want to be followed by pilgrims. Did you want to say to David, you know, if you want me to come round, you can just text. There's no need to lure me round. I find it rather passive-aggressive. With icons. But I'll tell you what I did think.

I thought, oh, he's written this book now about atheism. He's thought, I'd better clear this stuff out in case a journalist comes round and thinks I'm a phony. No, he was probably doing research into your area. I don't know. His partner is my son's godmother, so it could be that... David's been chucking it out. Yeah, it could be that she wasn't there on the wall.

By the way, I should say he's got a book out called The God Desire, which has had fantastic reviews. I think that the strap line By the way, I should say, he's got a book out called The God Desire, which has had fantastic reviews. I think that the strap line in the book is, if you hate God, you'll love this. What? This is a bit... A quote from B.L. Zabat. I think this is the definition of a bit awks.

Yeah, exactly. Well, you know, if you make God angry... Do you know what, though? Two days later, Frank Lampard was signed as the Chelsea manager. Beware! Beware of what you say! Do you think on Amazon, if I buy a comedian's prayer book, it will say, if you like this, you might struggle with this? Yeah, well, the paperback version of my prayer book has just come out,

so it's like a battle of the books, but I don't think I've got much chance. You can be happy, Bedfellows. Mine is of a minority interest. But anyway, David, I haven't read it yet because I just like to keep our friendship going a bit longer. But I'm told Stephen Fry loves it, apparently. Well, there you go. Well, I'm waiting. I'm going to read it.

He read his quote. He's quoted on the front of the book. Apparently, he read it off a small card from his card index. I am reading it. I'm hanging out round that wall, and it will appear soon enough. Anyway, I went back for the religious stuff. It's all gone. Really?

Yeah. Had it? Who'd have thought? I hope it's not being misused by diabolists. You don't want that falling into the wrong house. Oh, no, that would be terrible. An Onyx medallion. Oh, I'm getting an Onyx.

I'm no geologist. I don't like the sound of that. Well, it looked lovely. It sounds a bit Mr. T. Anyway, that's the latest. And the book, the Bridget Christie book, got a £20 note inside it in, like, a's the latest. And the book, the Bridget Christie book, had got a £20 note inside it in like a bookmark form. What?

It hadn't, but if Dave's listening to this, I just wanted him to slightly choke on his breakfast. Am I being rotten? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Am I being rotten? So... Continue, Frank. Don't forget this morning's text in. What is shampoo? It's what posh people call champagne.

In brackets, how does it differ from shower gel and other soap substitutes? The reason I ask this is because I was away for the, what we would call in the black country, the weekend. And can we just say, please don't text in there? What? Because we're not live. Well, actually, no, we're not live. Don't text us. But you can email us on that and we'll read it next time.

Because here is my, here is my dilemma. I was at this place and I went into the shower and there was probably eight bottles in the cage, you know, the shower cage. The cage? Well, weren't you with the MMA fighters? There was a cage with, you know, bottles of product. On the wall? Yeah, you know, bottles of product.

On the wall? Yeah, on the wall of the shower. And they did not include shower gel. Right. They were all shampoos. It was one conditioner. No shampoos? There were sort of shampoos that said on them,

instead of saying shampoo, the most, like for dry hair they said stuff like method 47 full embarkation free module hair regime collar allegianced and i don't know what those shampoos mean i'll tell you what it means it means welcome Welcome. Oh, does he? You're in my country. So I thought to myself, I'm in here now, the water's on, I'm wet. Or I must tell you something else, something I've developed recently as a shower thing. Was the font, sorry, just a quick question. I suspect the font was almost quite medical looking. Yes, it was. Yes.

Science lab. I suspect the font was almost quite medical looking yes it was yes very science lab look like it should have been a sticker with my name and address and dosage honey any road up I thought and I've never done this in my life I thought would it really matter if I used the shampoo even though, as you say, it looked like from the sort of top end if I just use that as shower gel will I get a horrible rash? Will it dry me out? I thought I've got hair in other places

so why not? Under my arms I don't wish to know What about those men who have plastered in hair? Why shouldn't they shampoo all over? Present. Yeah, exactly.

I have considered that. To sort of be like a giant dog man. Exactly. Newfoundland in the shower. You know my motto for your kind? No. Should have gone to neck shavers. Anyway, so I did it. No. Should have gone to neck shavers.

Anyway, so I did it. I thought, you know, I've got, I'm not like you, Harry, but I've got, you know, I've got down. You're not called Pierre Harry. I've got down. Pierre, I call him. Pierre. Pierre Henry.

Pierre. So, yeah, I did it yeah i did it i did it i um i washed um i showered just in shampoo and i have to say that um my body hair has never felt more lustrous yes like a golden retriever's but the news is no not a golden retriever it's my ir the news is... No, not a golden retriever's coat. It's more like Irish wolfhound. Oh, yes. The news is no rash, no terrible dry pack. Nothing happened. You've seen through the matrix.

The news you didn't really want to know. I have, but I have washed my entire self in shampoo, and it was fine. Okay. Did you get the conditioner it was fine. Okay. Did you get the conditioner out? No. Okay. If I got the conditioner out, does that mean I wouldn't need to go to the gym anymore? Like

I go to the gym. The very thought of it. The last time I went to the gym, the medicine ball was king. Frank Skinner very thought of it the last time i went to the gym the medicine ball was king frank skinner on absolute radio this is still us don't text today because we're not live but you can still email insta and all that free stuff um i was going to tell you something that I've started doing shower-wise.

Yeah? Do you remember a couple of weeks ago we spoke about the concept of deferred gratification? Yes, the marshmallow test. Yeah, the idea that if you put something... It's more like going to university. You do all the hard work and at the end of it you're you've got this lovely degree which will get you through life but for me yeah um not for everyone i realized so i what i've started doing is putting the shower on and getting straight in in to the cold which is horrible i hate it so i'm i think oh i dread getting in but i've got this knowledge that it's going to get warm and when it starts to get warm it's fabulous i really

feel like i've earned that warm water. Really? Try it. Try it at home. No. This is a sort of very, like, low-level version of sort of Opus Dei, like sort of suffering for the relief. Yes. And salvation. He likes to suffer for the relief.

Yeah, I don't wear a solis, if that's what you're suggesting, which, for those who don't know is a sort of a sort of barbed wire garter a few of my friends in the

S&M community will be giggling at home something borrowed yeah exactly I think they'd have liked the cage in the

shower section as well you'll never see a salise on Badil's wall. Well, what if you did? I mean, what would you know? You'd think I'll get it on the way back from the dog walk and it would be gone.

I would... Don't text us because we're not live, but on the email Insta front so we could do it next week, I'd love to know the most interesting things you've seen put out on someone's front wall to be taken. Oh. So, I had my neighbour's lovely child. I was walking down the street, taking the dog for a walk,

and I heard this voice, and he said, excuse me, I have bandanas for sale. Wow. Now, it's quite niche. Yeah. Which I like. Great thing to yell as you shove through a crowd. Yeah.

Have Ben Dennis to tell you. I'd be frightened I'd turn round and see Axel Rose in reduced circumstances. I love the excuse me. Oh, that is, yes, I always like. And then I noticed a mother sort of loitering in the door just to check he wasn't being rude. I mean, he wasn't. He was the world's politest. I didn't know what to do because I thought...

I said, oh, lovely. I didn't mean lovely. No, did you? I said, how much are they? He said, they're £4.99. Oh, I bet he hadn't got change. I thought, this is tricky. Yeah. Because I bet he hadn't got changed I thought this is tricky because I bet he doesn't take

I mean they probably do these young people don't they so I said they look so lovely and I really admire you selling the bandanas I'll pop by on the way back ok he said that would be lovely thank you so much

did you go home a different way no further questions you could have got one for the dog and then you could have gone to the Cambridge Folk Festival but you know what I admire his industry and you know what the bandana industry

oh yeah I admire them thank you I'd have bought one because my partner's always bandana in the store. Yeah, I admire that. Yeah, I admire them as well. Thank you. Anyway, just an idea for David to do. I'd have bought one because my partner's always pointing out to me that because of my

enormous forehead, wearing dark glasses and that, people still call up and say, all right, Frank, how you doing? Doesn't make any

difference at all. But if I wear a bandana, I'm basically invisible because they're looking for the head. That's what they seek. Oh, is that the thing that makes you who you are? Yeah, it's the forehead.

Do you think so? Yeah. People at first think I'm a television set and then they realise it's me. Well, you've got to hang on to that forehead for dear life. Well, I think the forehead will be all right. I mean, I comb back with gay abandon, I don't care. You know, loud and proud with the big dome.

And you know my view, in a thousand years, everyone will look like this. Here's a thing, here is a thing. here's a thing here is a thing i um i like to try um unusual drinks and foods especially if they're sold as um health giving yes i buy into the uh the old fall song title, Eat Yourself Fitter. And I tried black lemonade. Oh. Giving it a go? I look to you, Em.

Of course not. No, OK. What is it? Black lemonade is... Good band name. It contained, yeah, it contains charcoal. Oh. And that is all you know and all you need to know. And it's disgusting.

Is it? I can't tell you. It's the worst commercially sold drink I have ever tasted. It sounds very much like something you'd buy from a Canterbury Tales character for one of your humours Did they have lemonade? Very probably

It reminded me of, I remember discovering that the Texas Rangers back in the days of the Wild West would drink out of a hoof print when times were hard you know, the rain would have gathered of a hoof print when times were hard. You know, the rain would have gathered in a hoof print and they'd drink.

And I bet you that tasted better than black lemonade. Is it the dread activated charcoal? Because you'll find that a lot in allegedly health-giving compounds. Yeah, I didn't notice if it was activated. It sounded like something was at work. Is that the stuff when you get the charcoal toothpaste? Yes, I think so. Oh, yes.

Do you ever use that? I've had black toothpaste, yeah. But toothpaste... Oh, it's the toothpaste. Oh, okay. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I don't mind because toothpaste is, you know, it's in and it's out.

You don't mind, but when you is, you know, it's in and it's out. You don't mind, but when you see someone coming into the room saying, I was just wondering, oh, it's quite a sight. Well, I've heard people say that... I remember I went through a period in my early days, when I first started cleaning my teeth. When was that? Well, you know when my brother brought home a toothbrush when he was about 16 and my dad said, we've lost him.

My dad honestly said, I don't know who he thinks he is. That was like Metal Bird in Sky. Oh, man, I educated Rita. It was like Metal Bird in Sky. Oh, man, I educated Rita. But, yeah, there was much suspicion. We've lost him. Brought home a toothbrush like an unsuitable bride. Yeah, get that out of me. He didn't actually stop him from using it.

When I first started using it... That was very generous of him. When I first started using it, we didn't have toothpaste in the house. My brother kept it away. I used to just put salt on it and brush with that, but the gums don't like it. Is it?

Yeah, the gums start to become inflamed. Oh. You should see the expression on Pierre's face which he's trying to sort of disguise. It's like salt on a toothbrush. I've heard of that, but I'm more surprised that it wasn't good. I thought that was the thing, salt on a toothbrush.

For people who are allergic to fluoride. Remember my dad would be a man who'd walk into the kitchen, take the top off the butter dish, take out a scoop and just put it straight on his hair before going out. So it was different times, is my point. What I was getting at is that some people I'd heard used soot.

I think we know which family they were in. It was that, wasn't us. But that makes me think that the charcoal thing was around then, but in its more primitive form. That's what almost everything is. You could call it artisanally produced charcoal toothpaste. Anyway, if you see black lemonade in a shop, don't. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Don't text us today because we're not live. We're pre-recorded. You can still follow us on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. That won't cost you a wooden nickel.

Or you can email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Okay. By us. So I have in my hand listen

cellophane covered Easter egg. egg yes and this is um it's called um southern fried chalk and yes chalk and yes so it's got i see what they've done there. It's got the batter. The batter is reminiscent of that invented by Colonel Harlan Sanders. Yes. I'm just arranging crockery in case you're wondering. But there it is. It looks to me like, you know when they find things like pterodactyl droppings? Yes.

It looks like pterodactyl egg. It's horrible. Pterodactyl droppings. Yes. It looks like a pterodactyl egg. It's horrible. It's very... It has the batter of the KFC look about it. It's very time team.

But it is. But they've gone for the southern fries. What, badly dressed people looking at soil? Anyway. That's a smooth... So what I'm going to do is this egg it was brought out especially for Easter

funnily enough and it was limited edition I'm going to say Frank alarm bells are already ringing in my direction because I noticed they did list the ingredients

now the colonel made it very clear it should be kept a secret yes he did there's garlic and onion powder now that concerns me even in powder form in powder form it's still Satan's evil bowl

oh steady on what about our French listeners I'm going to break the southern fried Satan's evil bowl. Oh, steady on. What about our French listeners? I'm going to break the southern fried choc. Also, choc-en. It's choc. C-H-O-C. Apostrophe N.

Just an N. Now, look, I love an apostrophe N. Guns N' Roses, rock and roll. Would you like to buy a bandana? I'm not sure. Well, how much are they? £4.99. Very lot.

Well, I'll see you on the way back. Where is she? What does she have a cup? Oh, he's still there, that boy. You there, bandana boy. What day is it? He's probably, maybe, he's eight feet off a lamppost so he can get a good view of the road

so he can see you early. Yeah, he's climbed up using one of the products. Go on, then. So the southern... Oh, you're not going for the punch. I'm not sure. Grammatically. This is my point.

It's a grammatical point. Can you end a word, and then the apostrophe? I mean, it feels... You could say it's a biggin', but that's apostrophe you end, isn't it? I'm through. It's a biggin'.

It's a biggin'. On, I'm all right with. Okay. But this, you know, it sounds like it should be chicken roll. Chicken roses. I like the way it announced

I'm through. Like sort of escape from Alpha Trad or something. It's like an egg. So I've got some bowls. And you defray. I've got some bowls and I'm about to use them after I eat this egg. Oh, bowls, I misread that. Your opening strategy is curious.

I punch the egg. Do you go for the punch? Yeah. Pierre, you seem like an egg puncher. How dare you. That's for my dad. Yeah, I wouldn't punch. I'd apply a brief moment of grip.

I would worry that punching it would reduce it to inedible shards. Oh, well, let's try this. Remember, it's chocolate on the inside and a garlicky batter on the outside. I will say, as someone who has an issue with sort of mouth noises and things on the radio, I apologise to any fellow sufferers for this. Oh, my God. Wow. Oh.

It's finger-licking good. You know what's great about it? It tastes like a coincidence. No, but I... It tastes like maybe that was packaging, that last bit. It tastes like exactly what you'd expect a chocolate egg to taste like if someone covered it in southern fried batter. Oh, it's growing on me do you know

i just had a gear change in my mouth really at first i thought this is so unnatural and unpleasant and suddenly now it's creeping up on me frank well can i say just to add to your taste experience, that it features Deliveroo's own secret blends of spices. Deliveroo's secret blend, right? Transport people, basically. Also, not so secret anymore, Deliveroo. No. I don't want to be in a restaurant and the waiter comes

over and says, that's actually my own sauce. No, I don't think so, mate. You know, they are waiters. Deliveroo are essentially waiters. It's like the postman writing you a letter. Oh, it's like when Britbox makes its own TV programmes instead of

just showing the old stuff. Stick with what you know, love. Frank, I quite like it. Me too. Only a year to wait to go and get one. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had our southern fried egg with a special secret blend of spices delivered, not curry spices, more courier spices by Deliveroo.

And I have to say, I quite liked him. And now, of course, we've answered at least part of the age-old question, which came first, the southern fried chicken or the southern fried egg? The southern fried chocon. Chocon. I'll tell you what it tasted like, Frank. General fridge aroma. Oh, OK. Yes.

I remember what a guy he was. Famous French hero. Exactly. General fridge aroma. He worked with Blucher, I think. Hero. Exactly. General Frigeroma.

Yeah, he worked with Blucher, I think. General Frigeroma. Yeah. I find it was very... Do you know that thing when you store unlikely bedfellows? Yes. Perhaps in too close proximity to each other. In the fridge. It's happened to me several times before.

I've had mints near a tiramisu half eaten. Oh. Yes, and there's an exchange. Is that osmosis? Pierre? I don't think they need to be in contact for it to be osmosis I think yes you need I think what you need is a soluble solution into a less soluble solution

through a semi-permeable membrane That's bang on Get that man a GCSE Swallowed a dictionary for breakfast I blame What an awful thing to say Isn't it awful when people say that Can I make this clear I blame what an awful thing to say isn't it awful when people say that

can I make this clear I blame Barack Obama for this egg and for many things like it because I remember many years ago is it one of those podcasts is it a bro podcast

yeah Barack Obama said that his favorite chocolate was salt caramel and it yeah it was quite people said what what kind of a crazy juxtaposition is that mr president they said and i remember i did a TV show and we tried it. And everyone, I got someone out of the audience to try it. And we were all, oh my goodness, it's actually all right. A bit like we were with this. But I'd never heard of that salty, sweet thing sold commercially like that before.

So I think, yeah, I think it's Obama-esque. It's, um... Do-do-do-do-do.ama-esque it's um obama-esque so you think that he kicked off the the the salt the savory sweet alliance i do i think he obviously he tasted it somewhere but it was it was a minority interest yeah i do remember it sort of starting to take over the world around the time of his turn. Believe me, if you look at it, and you will, if you look it up, it was him. You know one of these what's your favourite biscuit thing

that the politicians get asked? And he said, oh, I love a salt caramel. People thought he had taken leave of his senses. I think I said at the time, absolute power corrupts absolutely. Which is the new station that... Absolute power. Absolute.

It's called absolute power corrupts absolutely. And it's got a political bent, but with guitar-based popular music. Power metal. Oh, really? Yeah. It's a mixture of power metal and quotes from Napoleon. Exactly.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. I quite like that. Yeah. Bush and Ritchie are going to be rushed off their feet. We've had about half of southern fried chicken. Chicken. Yeah. I have to say, people mocked the northern fried Mars bar.

Didn't they? And now it turns out that the Scots were pioneers of this. Yeah. They get no credit on the Chicon. So I think that's wrong. I've been criticised, mildly, but still enough to land, by Frank for scraping off the southern fried coating. Because the chocolate inside the southern fried Chocon

is, I would say, very surprisingly high quality. Yeah, but Deliveroo Technocrat, I want to know what Deliveroo's got up their sleeve in their larder. For their next secret recipe. Yeah, onto their crash helmets. Maybe that's the next one is some sort of food that tastes of the inside of a helmet Yeah, well, we'll see how it goes We'll see Shut up

Can we discuss our own eggs? Oh yeah I'd like to know how you both deal with the opening I mean, Pierre is so obviously a puncher Do you think that's a fair assumption? I imagine that Pierre would take an average-sized chocolate egg

like a lozenge, just down in one. Like Desperate Dan. Yeah, exactly. Well, you've got some of the Desperate Dan-ness about you, I think it's fair to say. Yeah, I just need a very small hat. Yes, I see you having,

sort of ingesting it much like a snake. Or an alligator. Just in one. And I won't need to feed again until next Easter. Well, I used to describe my own physique as looking like a snake that had ate a donkey. You know, you used to see those pictures.

It was a very thin thing with like a lump in the middle. But I find it, there is a move now towards, and they are lovely, towards the sort of more elegant, refined adult egg. When I say adult, bear with. I mean a sort of tasteful egg. Yes. There's no more the sort of foil afterthought nestling in the malteser mug or remember those days yes i

miss the uh the mug the chocolate themed do you not get the mug anymore with the egg i don't think you do i think in those days the mug do you remember it was seen as such a prized item yeah it was the era when they gave away uh crystal phone crystal glasses at garages. Yeah. Do you remember? Yeah, I do. I think they were described as tumblers. But I had a Smarties mug, which

I'd had a Smarties egg in it. The whole thing held together by Prissy's cellophane wrapper, not unlike that of the Lu-Aid bottle. Oh. But no, I think they have sort of removed the mugs now. I've got a glass, I've got a sort of window now.

The egg is on display permanently. Oh, really? Personalised, my name in icing. I got this from my best friend. Nice. Well, nice, but how does one open? So I handed it to my godson, and he approached it in much the same way I think you would be.

He just opened the lid, shoved his fist in. Yeah? It was sort of like a Guy Ritchie movie, the way he did it. I think nowadays, if you've got anything that you're going to destroy, but which is nice... Yeah. Kittens, for example. No, that was a joke.

It was a joke. Oh, my God. But as long as you've got a photo... What's wrong with you? As long as you've got a photo... What's actually wrong with you? So if you photograph the egg, then it's fine to smash it up and eat it

because you'll always have it in your... That's not quite that rule to everything. No. I would never punch into an egg box. Would you not? No. I would feel like a brute. Not into that, but I used the hold an egg,

as you just saw me do it. Hold an egg in my left. I cradle it in my left, and then I smack it on with my right. There's a skill to it. You don't want it to fall on the floor. You just want to knock a hole in it. He did it more like a,

it was a quiet hit. What I do, if I do that, then the egg, the remaining egg becomes like a bowl from which I eat the chocolate. You did it like someone trying to sort of knock an edge off a piece of quartz without ruining the,

there was a sort of a jeweller's aspect. Interesting you say that because the holiday home I stayed in last weekend was owned by a man who, according to the framed newspaper article on the wall, was regarded as perhaps

the finest diamond cutter in the world. Right. About that for a job. Imagine the way he smashes his eggs. Oh, God. Yeah, about that for a job. Imagine the way he smashes his eggs. Oh God, yeah, the eyepiece

in. And then the oh man, what a palave. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We were just talking just casually in the break,

about, well, you guys were talking about TV, that people that watch those American TV shows. It's a bit like people will be using toothpaste next. Yes. Bringing it into the house. Sellouts. You gave a sort of recommendation of the show, which means I will never watch it.

Well, your sister-in-law actually recommended it to me. It's called Uncut Gems. The movie Uncut Gems, yes. Yeah, which I had not caught up on. And your sister-in-law kept saying, you've got to watch this. And I loved it, but... Well, it's like a two-hour panic attack, yeah.

Is it one of those that knots your stomach up? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You know, one of my real problems in films, and I've certainly spoken to Emily about this before, is when someone breaks into an office and starts going through drawers and taking photographs of documents

with those cameras that look like a cigar cutter. And then it cuts to the car park taking photographs of documents with those cameras that look like a cigar cutter. Yes. And then it cuts to the car park and the man's forgotten something. Yeah, often whistling. Yeah, and it's often a frosted glass door, so you know you're going to see. And they're still in there.

Just talking about that has given me a stomachache. Can I recommend that you don't watch any film with the word Watergate in the title? No, OK. OK? I know what you mean, Frank. I'll tell you what I find very difficult to watch, there was a film called Clockwise. Oh, God, exactly.

And if you could perhaps... It's sort of everything goes wrong. Well, it's about a man, John Cleese, who specialises in timekeeping and efficiency to the point where he's called to speak on that subject. Yes. It's an important conference. And then a series of things happen to him, which means he's not going to make it.

And there's a bit where he's with this schoolgirl who's going with him because I think she's also doing a talk about something. I hope so. And the car is upside down in a field and there's like 20 minutes to go and they're 100 miles away. And she says, don't despair, sir. And he says, it's not the despair, it's the hope.

And yeah, the idea that he might still get there. It's whether you think it's worth investing. I have the same with theugitive, I'm afraid. Well, and Man Vs. B. Oh, really? Oh, Man Vs. B is... Is that the Mr. Bean man? Well, it's not actually...

Why would I watch that? It's not... Well, it's because it's like that. If you found Man Vs. B that stressful, I think if you watched Uncut Gems, your hair would set on fire. Well, you can't watch it. He can never watch it.

I don't know if you'd ever recover. Well, you should try. Well, it's a series, man. It's slightly more high stakes than Man vs. B. You say that. Don't underestimate the level of destruction that occurs in Man vs. B. It really is, but I spend the whole thing going, oh, oh, really?

No, I'm not suggesting that the B isn't, it's not bad. I just think Uncut Gems is... Is the pinnacle. Well, I'm championing Man Vs. B. And for sitcoms. I think, obviously, don't text us today, because we're not live, but if you want to get in touch and I'm happy to allow people to champion these two. Which is more stressful?

Yes, exactly. Man versus bee or on contents. Extraordinary content. So Emily got a personalised chocolate egg with your name in icing. Very elegant adult egg. Which was ritually smashed. Well, no, it wasn't. Yeah, it was the way my godson did it.

It was lovely the way he did it. It was a very clean hit. That's always good. It was handed over. He just, his fist descended into the packaging and there was a, you know, it felt nothing. It was over in an instant. Lovely.

It was a lovely clean break. How, you did the same, Frank. Well, I got an egg from my, I love blonde chocolate. That's my favourite. It's what we used to call caramac chocolate. it's what we used to call caramac chocolate but last year my partner kath randomly bought me a blonde egg not really knowing what it meant and i loved it so she had a try this year less successful i gotta be straight because well she bought a blonde, but it was a bit like the southern fried chicken in that the outside of it was blonde chocolate, but the inside was plain. And plain chocolate, as you know, is for people who don't like chocolate.

Yeah. Wouldn't you say? Yeah. People who think, oh, it's good for my uh red corpuscles oh well don't eat it if you don't want fun with chocolate don't eat it no it was always the grown-up the dad it was always the dad's choice yeah but not not this dad yeah anyway so not only was it had the blonde chocolate, it was painted gold. So after eating a couple of chunks, I had a gold finger. He's the man.

He's the man with Is the... Do you think that... Man with the unsatisfying egg. Are there three... Are there three notes that could more spoil a song if you got them wrong than those three? Goldfinger. No. Do we do that again, shall we? Why wasn't my fart, you see?

So, I was the man. You were golfing. No, no, I'm finishing. The man with the Midas touch. Yeah. A spider's touch. A spider's touch. What's that got to do with it?

Why bring that up? A spider's touch. Also, the spider. No gold involvement. Yes, you're so right, Frank. Also, I wouldn't say a spider was well-known for its touch. I mean, it's well-known for its appearance. Certainly not for its golden touch.

You barely feel them. You can't help but feel they're just throwing spider in there to justify web of sin a bit later on. Oh, yeah, probably. I mean, it might have been that Goldfinger was some sort of office sex pest. Yes. Maybe he's the man with the mid-ass touch.

So what's happened? It was a misreading. He's a tough, horrible man to work for, Goldfinger. He's terrible. Unreasonable expectations. Didn't Ian Fleming name him after a bloke he didn't like? It was called Goldfinger.

Oh, did he? Who I think lived in Willow Road in Hampstead. Oh, good. Better local knowledge. I find a song with a warning very funny. But don't go in.

Yes. You've made it sound quite enticing. Yes, and anything with beware. Beware. It's like, well, maybe you should have told me a bit sooner than me having to hear the song. You've made a sound quite enticing. Yes, and anything with beware. Beware, yeah. So maybe you should have told me a bit sooner than me having to hear the song. You've really sold me on him.

Now you're telling me not to go in. Has he got a Midas touch or a Spiders touch? I mean, I know it rhymes, and I like a bit of internal rhyme, but they're quite different. What is this, multiple choice lyrics? What do you think? Has he got a Midas or a Spydas? You decide.

I was talking about my egg. I didn't say that the creator of my golden, painted, blonde and plain egg was the well-known cook, Heston Blumenthal. Oh, the well-known cook. And scientist. I also didn't mention it wasn't actually an egg. It was a golden apple. Oh, that's Pete Heston. That was an egg. It was a golden apple. Oh, that's Pete Keston.

That was the shape. Well, it said on the, and I photographed this, it said on the side, and I quote, the apple inspired Newton to discover gravity after he watched one fall from a tree. So far, so good. Sure. Oh, here we go. There'll be some critique.

It's a symbol, too, of our sense of taste. Is it? Is it, Heston? You're hitting the rumble strips now, Heston, on the motorway. And then a sentence all on its own. A fruit. Who knew?

Then that reminds us to keep an open mind engage our senses appreciate the moment and question everything what reminds us of that and in what way discuss are you proofreading heston's packet it's like come on heston It sounds like he's dancing around an Eden reference there. Yeah, it's perfectly nice. He's got some Apple sponsorship that he's doing subtly. And question everything. For who knows what we'll discover about food, about ourselves, if we do. Now, I don't think that keeping an open mind and engaging our senses and appreciating the moment will tell us that much about food.

Maybe about ourselves, but why bring it up on an Easter egg box? OK, can I be very honest? This is not for you, OK? Well, it was bought for me. Wait, you have a approach to food you see it more as fuel i would say yes in the same way that when kath and i have a bath separately you say why do you lie there in the bubbles yes yes you say it's a functional thing it's a transactional experience well kath is not she's not a wallower.

Well, I am a wallower. The first time I saw my partner have a shower, I was astonished that she stood in the shower for about ten minutes doing nothing. I do that as well. Like a person waiting for a boss in heavy rain and then got out and dried it. I said, hold on, where's the washing process in that? She said, no, that all happens just from the shower. I don't think so.

I don't know about that. Not unless you're on some sort of knife-throwing, spinning disc onto the shower. You see, I think Kath bought this for you. It's very thoughtful because there was a sort of biblical nod with the apple. Oh, look. do you think it's look heston didn't have the guts to bring the bible into it he's just alluding look i i've been

to the fat dock yes um i'm in the restaurant and it's the food was great and it was a real experience and i'd recommend it to anyone i'm not anti-Heston. When it comes to literature, if I was him, I would stick to simmer for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. I like the idea of someone reading the side of that box and having a real existential crisis. Yeah, and thinking, you know what? I shall question everything on the strength of this egg. Oh, sorry, apple.

That well-known symbol of taste. Well, it tastes. A fruit. Did it have a stalk, Frank? It did, it had a plain chocolate stalk. Oh. Yeah, that was the only exposed... He could have twist on it.

The only exposed plain chocolate in a pre-fist. LAUGHTER Pre-fist. We was talking eggs post-Easter. Did you see, by the way, that Subway did a Cadbury's cream egg melt? Oh, no. In which you've got what are those long wooden bread things called i get yeah like a bag the things that their sausages normally come on do you say baguette wooden i'd say a cob a nice cob wooden not wooden did i say wooden yeah that i was mistaken thinking of clogs i'm thinking he's got clogs on the mind.

Long bread things. Do you think he goes into Subway and says, can I have half a clog, please, my good man? Cheese and toasted clog. I haven't done it. It's a fast food area

I haven't really discovered, Subway. No, me neither. Anyway, they did Cadbury's Cream Egg Melt, which was one of those bread long rolls with a couple of melted Cadbury's Cream Eggs.

Straight to jail. Available for one day only, Good Friday. Oh. The day of fast and prayer. It's a bit disrespectful. Oh, I couldn't believe you. I quite fancy trying one. I don't like melt.

No? I'll tell you why. You okay with a tuna? No, I'll tell you why. Because it feels like it's an Americanism that people have just assumed we should automatically accept. I didn't get asked about this. It was toasty for many years, very cosy, very British.

It was the toasty. Do you want to melt? No, thank you. Yeah, I draw the line at people starting to use grilled cheese instead of toasty. I mean, at the risk of sounding a bit Faragean, I just think toasty was nice because there were no pretensions. Melt sounds a bit

ambitious. Okay. Also the Toasty comes with compression and one of those great irons. Yes. Whereas a grilled

cheese could, who knows, it could just be flat on a roasting tray. And Melt has now been used by the Love Islanders of course. I see.

It's part of their language, yeah. You absolute melt. Which means what? A bad man. A Islanders, of course. It's part of their language, yeah. You absolute melt. Which means what? A bad man. A bad man, I don't know. A stupid idiot. A negative setting on melt.

I know. Bad man was a good way to describe it, yeah. Do you think it comes from the witch in The Wizard of Oz? I'm melting! Do you think that's where the evil thing comes from? Where does melt come from for the bad men? Oh, you're asking the wrong guy. Does melt have a suggestion of,

just in case you want to use it, Frank? Is it like meltdown, someone with a temper? No, it's got a suggestion of you're a bit of a foolish character. A silly Billy. Hold it, let me get this right. There are people on Love Island who are being condemned for being fools? Yes, if you can believe it. You absolute melt.

Yeah. Is there a one-eyed man in this kingdom of the blind? So thank you. People are condemned for being fools on Love Island. Yeah. They've got an enormous amount of planks and an enormous amount of eyes on Love Island. Okay.

So they'd say... It's a ship of fools, isn't it? Yeah. I think that's their tagline, isn't it, for the new series? How would you use it? Your favourite ship of fools is back next week. Yeah, but then you wouldn't know automatically what programme that was going to be.

You might narrow it down to about 100 possible series. Oh, Love Island. Love Island Love Island we continue to discuss Love Island a programme I've never seen an entire episode of have you not? I speak from ignorance

what did you think of what you saw? what did I think? I this sounds a bit holier than thou from ignorance. What did you think of what you saw? What did I think? This sounds a bit holier than thou. I find that very hard to believe. The bit I saw was a young woman being discussed in a quite derogatory way by a young man.

And I thought, oh, I don't know. I'll try to avoid that in later life my uh my friend Katie Story who's a comedian a writer producer she said a version that she would love to watch of Love Island would be me with my love of looking things up and the soul of a pedant I'd be a sort of wild card contestant and I would win all the sort of money or prize or whatever on the condition that I remained silent while the other contestants explained various historical or scientific phenomena. Incorrectly presumed.

Deeply incorrectly, yes. I think you'd be nicknamed Brains as well. Yeah, I think they'd regard me as sort of not quite a sort of human. He's always got his head stuck in a book. No, you'd be a freak show. I think I'd be a freak show. You're definitely someone who's followed addiction. Well, I think we'd all be freak shows.

I mean, no doubt for different reasons. But you know what? I went to a children's party last week and my nephew Elliot was seven and they had a quiz. They had a spy themed quiz and even though it was children sitting cross

legged putting their hands up there was times where they didn't know the answer and I was knowing the answer and not being allowed I was turning away from I couldn't even look at the unraised hands what is wrong with you?

This is what I was like with homeschooling. You know, I thought I would be like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society on day one. I was going, eight, eight and three. What's the eight and three? I mean, oh. What's the... Eight and three. I mean, oh. It's tough. I was once sat on a train

as two people who were sat sort of a few rows behind me who I couldn't see, one of whom was from England and one of whom was speaking English as a second language. And the person speaking English as a second language used whom correctly and was corrected by the native

English speaker and lengthily informed about the wrong way to do it. And I sat with white knuckles for the rest of the train journey. They're wrong! They're leading you astray! You've done very well! You should have held up a sign sort of Love Actually style as you

got up. I feel we sound a little elitist now. I will point out at this party that I ate, and this is a conservative estimate, 15 cherry tomatoes. 15. Why? Because it was the only food on the table

I felt confident the children would not have touched. Ah. Right. And how do you eat them? Are you a nibbler? Do you nibble or do you go for the grenade? Because, you know, if you feed them to children, you're supposed to cut them in half. Because if you bite them in your mouth, they explode.

They go down your windpipe a couple of pips. You're in trouble. But I just risk it. I just punch them and eat the shards. Do you? I put a straw. You go Easter egg. What I like about them as well is they

are slightly cherry-like. So the name works. I don't eat them whole. No? No, same reason I don't eat them whole. No? No, same reason I don't put an orange in my mouth. I think they're delicacies. What about a kumquat? I wouldn't eat that whole.

Cut everything. But that's what I cut. Trust no one. Oh. I cut the cherry tomato in half. I like to see the innards exposed. You know, what's lurking in there? And also, you want to put salt on.

There was no salt at the children's party no how did you brush your teeth to hell with it that's what I thought anyway the point

I was trying to make is that a cherry tomato that's a reasonable um combination the cherry because it looks

a bit like a cherry whereas the grapefruit what are you talking about? Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Now regarding it's been a big year

for novelty eggs we've got we've got the southern fried chocan in the subway disaster it sounds horrible to me but I don't know if you saw

in the news as well there was a man who has left his easter egg uneaten and you Frank as an admirer of delayed gratification

must look up to this man as a god he's left his easter egg uneaten for 45 years yes he bought a

a kitty's cottage egg we've all done it 45 years. Yes. He bought a Kitty's Cottage egg. We've all done it. The Daily Mirror spoke of Kitty's Cottage as if we would all go, oh, yes, of course. Yeah, I have to admit ignorance on that one. So it must have been in around 1978. 78.

Well, I don't recall the Kitty's Cottage, and I was a huge consumer. Well, interestingly, and I don't want to get into minutiae early on, but the Mirror say, and it's a lovely time for this story because it's the 20th anniversary of Kitty's Cottage this week. What? And I thought, well, if it's the 20th anniversary, how did he buy one in 1978?

What is Kitty's Cottage? OK, I'll tell you what Kitty's Cottage is. We should say, so this man kept the egg... In his fridge. In his fridge. For all that time. And he's gone through at least four fridges and he's bothered to move it. It's still in the box.

I mean, let's unpack that. I like the egg later. Well, no, he's not. I don't think he is going to unpack that. I think that's the problem. But also, it's got an egg and a cat. Kitty's Cottage, in case anyone hasn't, in the unlikely event you're unfamiliar

with Kitty's Cottage Easter egg, it is very strange looking because it said, it had a note on it and it said, welcome to Kitty's Cottage. Yes. It said on the packaging, note on it and it said, welcome to Kitty's Cottage. Yes. It said on the packaging, which I thought was rather grand, like it was Downton Abbey or something. It was literally just a box with an egg, a foil tatty egg and one cat, which frankly, you know, it had cataracts or something. Well, cataracts.

To be fair, the cat has been in a fridge for 45 years. I mean, give it a break. It looks like, remember Michael Stipe sort of eye makeup, that sort of seat, that mask,

that navy blue band that went across his eyes. The cat's got that. I thought... It's very threadbare. I recommend looking up a picture of it because I thought it looked

a bit Haunted Idol, Indiana Jones. Yes. Sort of jade eyes smashed into this golden cat's face. Hasn't this man seen Toy Story 2 where these toys bemoan the fact that some creepy collector has kept them in their boxes? They want to be out and be played with.

That cat wants to be played with by children. Not anymore. It needs to be in the Moorfields Eye Hospital. Oh, no. 45-year-old sight-impaired, imprisoned cat. In a fridge. Can't be right. Everything about it is wrong.

Well, this is John Gartland of Dundalk This is who's done this And he got it when he was five And he said And I'm interested to know if this is true He says back in 1978 Easter eggs were a lot plainer So he was elated to receive such a special

Sort of fabulous looking egg I can see that Is that true? The idea is That you keep the cat That's the thing you keep, out of its packaging. Do you?

Yeah. Glaucoma cat. I'm no closer to that. The cat wouldn't have looked like that. The cat now... Whoa, whoa. Are you suggesting the toy, the cat's eyes wouldn't have looked like that

had you taken it out the box? No, it's deteriorated. You see what happened to David Blythe when he was in that box for so long? Look, he was cryogenically frozen. That should have been good for him. No, no, he wasn't. Not in his London one.

I'm no closer to finding out what Kitty's Cottage was. No. I don't like the sound of it. It sounds a bit sleazy. No, it's called Kitty's Morsaleum. I don't like the cottage. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about, sorry, his name escaped me, the man from Don Dock. John Gartland. John Gartland, owner of the... Egg Preserver.

The Kitty's Cottage Egg. Now. The Kitty's Cottage eggs. Yes. Now, was Kitty's Cottage a shop? No, I think it was a brand. I suspect it was eggs that always came with a toy cat. I see. I don't know where the cottage... The cottage was probably pictured on the wrapping.

No-one expected it to live in the egg. No, no. Never allowed. No one expected it to live in the egg. No, no. Never allowed. In fact, the two never touched. The kitty in the egg? Yeah, what came first? Certainly wasn't the kitty the state of those eyes.

I mean, I've had a marzipan corgi in my fridge since 2018. You haven't? Yeah, from the Queen's 92nd birthday cake. I kept it. Did you? And I've got an 11 month old

birthday cake. Have you? Which is Boz's birthday cake which he had about 7 slices out of and the rest was Alice Cooper design. You see when I saw this story i hope this goes down okay we'll soon find out i did think of you simply because it's complimentary in a way there's a self-restraint um would you not agree with this pierre There's an element of frank here and a little bit of fabulous Kittishness in a way.

Saying to the family for a 40-year period or however long, you shall not pass. No matter how desperate they are for chocolate, Kitty's Cottage, no-one gets to Kitty's Cottage. I think you could use it the other way as a threat. I'll make you eat the Kitty's Cottage if you don't do your homework. Let's say, for example, there was like a zygon egg you got or a dalek egg.

Yes. I can imagine if you were keeping that. No, yes, I can see that. I mean, the Alice Cooper cake, I'm thinking of giving it to the wild birds. Wouldn't harm them, would it? Yeah. I don't know depends what's in the cake

we'll soon find out it's just a normal cake but it's 11 months old shouldn't do they're less fussy they're ok about sell by date in my experience

I think they are they don't what are they and also what are they going to do yeah what sue me I don't think so

anyway it's a strange tale. I think you'll agree. I think I'll keep the corgi forever, probably. Yeah. No, why not? Lovely thing to hang on to. An heirloom. As John Gartland of Ireland says,

it's just like part of the fridge now. I don't even think of it really anymore. I've got a blue hangover mask in the fridge that might have been there for 15 years. It's transferred from various fridges, like his kitty cottage thing. Blue hangover mask? What, did you lend it to Michael Stein?

A hangover mask. Do you know what it is, Daniel? It's like a blue plastic mask with blue, freezable fluid in it. I think of that as an American psycho mask. Christian Bale's character wears one at one point. Oh, OK. Well, it's like the concept of the ice globes, which I use on my face another time.

OK. Have you not used a hangover mask? I think I might have used it. No, because it's post-hangover for me. I think my partner might have used it for headaches. That old one. Anyway, the next episode of Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast will be out on Wednesday.

One of my very favourites, Thomas Hardy. And I'll be discussing whether it's great strangeness or strange greatness. We'll find out. And you can download it from wherever you get your podcasts. It's been a very difficult couple of weeks for the show. Thank you all for your really very brilliant messages they've been so comforting

they really have really much appreciated and you know we should raise a piece of easter egg for absent friends ok, toodle pip Toodle-poop.