The Frank Skinner Show - Nepo Nan

Episode Date: March 9, 2024

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has had a haircut disaster and went to a Judas Priest Q and A. The team discuss all the big Brits stories including Raye's barefoot award acceptances, Kylie's shoey and bum cleavage.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215. Follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Forgive me, we were just talking about Eddie Shah's launch of the Today newspaper. Those are the kind of hot news stories

you'll be hearing this morning. Exactly. Some of you will be too young for that. Most of you. Four of our listeners. Basically, this bloke bragged that he was going to put the first color pictures in newspapers it's a bit of a revolution like the um the way the papers in harry potter have moving pictures you know it was kind of that kind of level of tech yeah and he

when they came out they were all blurred all the colours were slightly not on top of each other and I thought, I was looking inside for my 3D spectacle that's really what they looked like like a misprint in a comic book yeah exactly but when I was a kid they used to get those the colours would be over the line in a comic book and it was okay, it was part of the sort of thing

but in the newspaper it made you feel sick in the mornings you could barely make these people out they never got over it OK, it was part of the sort of thing. But in the newspaper, it made you feel sick in the mornings. You could barely make these people out. They never got over it. Do you know what... Today became yesterday. The problem is, Frank, he went too soon. Did he? I heard that. No, he went too soon with the launch.

Don't launch until you're ready. No, exactly. OK. Thank you, Adele. Yeah. Don't launch until you're ready. No, exactly. Okay.

Thank you, Adele. Anyway, I've been out and about. I've had my hair cut this week. I noticed, and I think it's actually successful. I don't. Why not? It's a lovely haircut. It's not the one I asked for.

What did you ask for? I said, I'd like it really super short around the side so you can see skin. I said, but I want the line. I want to see the line. Don't fade it. Oh, right. And he said, ah, yes, yeah. So then he started cutting. I said, don't forget the line, will you?

And he said, no, I know you want skin fade. I said, no, no, I don't want skin fade. I want like a distinct noticeable line. I said, do you remember the mare in the Lorax? He had no idea what I was talking about. Anyway, so It would have been weird if he'd said,

of course I do. Yeah, you patronise me. We get people asked for that. While I was in there Can't you see him on the wall? He's one of the sample pictures. What do you mean, this man? You see, if we still got the style file, I wouldn't have had this problem.

I would have sat down and said, there it is, that one there. Well, back in the day, you just went in, you took a picture of Lady Diane and said, make me look like that. Well, the last time I went in, I actually showed him a picture of my previous haircut from a different barber and it was slightly more successful.

Hang on, didn't you point at a poster of yourself? I did once, yeah. I was in a while and they said, how do you want it cut? I said, you see that picture of me on the poster? I want it like it was then. Anyway, there are no posters of me near this barber. So he started chopping away, and then he got the scissors out, and I had the line. I was happy with the line. You know what I mean by the line? I want it to look like a farmhouse door when only the bottom half is open.

Yes. That's what I want the side of my head to look like. Or like you'd been very closely shaved while wearing a cap. Yes, indeed. But anyway, then he started clipping away at the line. I said, you're not going to fade it, are you? And he went, ha, ha. And then he completely faded it and ended up with this.

So I don't know what to do. What did he think he was doing? He thought, I know what this hairstyle is. It's a skin fade. I know what people come in a lot for that did you think maybe you were doing some sort of indirect irony thing where if you know i think he could hear this voice saying to the lord but it was there was something in is in the mix do you think he was capable of producing the kind of haircut yes okay i mean this is a nice haircut

i've got it's just not the one's just not the one I asked for. No, he was totally capable. That was even more. You know when you work with people who you think you could do it, funny, you would listen. You should go in with a tight hat next time. And then when he says, can you take the hat off, say, no. There was a moment, this is the worst thing,

there was a moment during the haircut where I thought, that's it. That's what I want. What about a crown? If you wore a crown... I missed my stop. Wear a crown, Frank, because then you give yourself a crown, Laurie.

Yeah, but then you might get into the top bit and come out with a tonsure. It's very... I don't know what to do. Whether to go back there with a drawing. Draw the line.

A drawing of who? That's what worries me. Well, just, you know, the line. Pat Foyle? No, the mayor from the law ranks. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Regarding your haircut disaster, Will from Shropshire says you should have taken a photo of Heinrich Himmler.

Yeah. He's not wrong. Yeah, they only get run over and they find a photo of Heinrich Himmler in your pocket. Listen. No. Yeah. He's not wrong. Yeah. I only get run over and they find a photo of Henry Kimberley in your pocket. Listen. No. Yeah. Impossible to explain.

I got a massive one-hour tribute on GB News to me that night. And we didn't actually know he was one of us. But he'll be missed. Yeah. But he'll be missed. Yeah. I tell you what, I thought of a thing that he might know. Because it's no good going in and saying,

I want a sort of James Joyce 1922. Yeah. I wondered if Peaky Blinders might have been an accessible... Yes, why don't you take in a picture of that nice Killian... Is it Killian Murphy? Oh, yes. One of the Peaky Blinders has a really defined shave line, actually. Do we call them... The Mustache Man.

When you just said one of the Peaky Blinders, is that how we refer to them? What's he called, Arthur or something like that? Yes, yeah. One of the cast of the... What are the Peaky Blinders? They're a gang. What do they do?

They're a gang? Yeah, they're hoodlums. Is it rude, the Peaky Blinders? They're a gang. What do they do? They're a gang. Yeah, they're hoodlums. Is it rude, Peaky Blinders? Is it a Birmingham thing? I'm going to be honest with you, I've never seen it. Nor have I. I only watch dramas that my brother-in-law has written, old as aliens in.

Oh, that's it. Otherwise, I think, I watch drama on the telly and think, well, I could look through the window and see this. You live in a dramatic part of town, though. No, but you know what I mean? If people are going for realism, why? That's, no, I don't want that. Would you watch a very kitchen sink sort of drama,

but there was an alien in? Oh, just what but the alien was part of it the alien was sort of going and doing washing up and stuff no i think i could live with that that's quite a nice idea i'd watch more alien things if we saw more of their interior world can i ask you a question and it's about back to the haircut thing um and i'd love to hear from any on 8 12 15 from any of our readers if they've done this Can I ask you a question? Sure. And it's about back to the haircut thing. And I'd love to hear from any, on 8.12.15, from any of our readers if they've done this. Do people still, because when I was in there, a woman came in with two kids when I was in the barbers,

and she said, he said, what would you like? The kid got in the chair. She said, can he have a boy band cut? Wow. And I thought, that's a broad shirt. Are we talking bassist heroism? And he said, I don't know what that is. What is that? And she said, you know, like a boy band cot.

And then I heard her get some pictures on her phone and he said, well, it's different with Korean hair. Yeah. And I thought, no, this is not going to work. But people used to go in and say, my brother would have gone in, my oldest, and said, can I have a Tony Curtis after the Hollywood... And people would have known exactly what you wanted.

Back in my day, people would have said, can I have a Rachel from Friends? Oh, yes, of course. What you were getting, every hairdresser. Is there any celebrities now that people go in and ask for that haircut? Yeah, is there an iconic haircut celebrity? Is there anyone listening who's got, every time they go, they say, yeah, can I have a Richard Madeley, please?

Or whatever. Not just that. That's a very, very. Or whatever. Not just that. That's a very very refined phoning. But I'd love to know if people still ask. I just I didn't have the words! Frank Skinner on Absolute

Radio. Yes, so have we heard from people about haircuts. Celebrity. What have we heard? Jonesy says, Good morning, Frank, Emily and Pierre. First time contributor, long time admirer.

Oh, Jonesy. Do you think that's As Played by Clive Don? I think so. Yes. Regarding... Does he say do, panic? And at the end Of the sitcom

Every week I'd be the wife And I'd say Ah Jonesy Yeah No I'm on about Corporal Jones From that song

Regarding haircuts Our local barber Used to have Black and white Photographs around the walls Our two young boys Would always favour The quote

Business man on phone Haircuts Yeah that'd be good always favour the, quote, businessman on phone. Echoes. Yeah, that'd be good. It would be good to take a stock Getty Images image and say this. I want this. Football managers always used to be photographed on the phone when I was a kid to show that they were busy. We've also heard from 772,

aka Nick. Hi team, my wife got her haircut yesterday and asked for a Laura Kunisberg. Wow, that is a fabulously obscure... Do you know her? The journalist. The news political journalist. Well, she does the walking around.

They've changed it all up now. I know, they make them walk. I do. I feel sorry for some of the people. Do you? Some of the people had, you know, the desk covered

a multitude of scenes. Do you know that... She's not one. No, she looks great. And now suddenly they're out there exposed. It's a cruel... It's American news.

Is that what it is? They make them stand up and they do that under lighting that makes them uh look slightly spectral yeah i can't watch it only because i have uh i have sensory issues when i hear the clicking of the heels against i can't i can't bear that yeah you don't want to hear that i remember the first time i went to a ballet, I was horrified that I could hear their feet on the stage. Oh, yeah. I thought, what's the point of being five stone eight?

Have you got to clomp about the stage? Nick continues, just FYI. Nick continues is also a name I might use as my next stage name. Nick continues, read the Laura Kunisberg. It turned out to be a mistake. On his wife, I should say. He's not dismissing Laura's hair. I just don't think it worked out.

I'm afraid. Well, that's easy when you go in. Tony Curtis is a phenomenally good looking bloke. You're not going to look like him. That's a terrible mistake. It'd be funny to hear some sassy, she thought she could pull off the Koonsberg.

Yeah. So it became a sort of star icon reference. But I remember that Rachel one from Friends where the parting, you thought, well, where's the centre part? Oh! Yeah. Oh, you're following the hair thinking the centre parting will come up any minute. No, no, oh, it's here, is it? Oh, I had about nine hair thinking the central part in a corp. No, no.

Oh, it's here, is it? I had about nine partings at one stage with my Rachel. And, yeah. Did you add a Rachel as well? How could you not have a Rachel? Who were you if you didn't have one? I know, I had a Courtney Cox. Oh, Frank.

When I was a kid I didn't know I didn't know what the numbers Number two, number one, number three I didn't know what that was And the hairdresser just said Some numbers to me And I just went yes And she just ran a thing

A clipper down the middle Of my bloody hair Like I was being conscripted I was seven or eight And she justipper down the middle of my bloody hair like I was being conscripted. Oh, right. I was seven or eight and she just went down the middle and I just thought... A bit like Moses at the Red Sea. I looked in the mirror and I just thought oh, no. Well, I remember

the first time... I need to stop now. All right, stop shoving me. I like this that we've left this on I Remember the first time. Yeah. Dot, dot, dot. Yeah, I do, but I'm not going to talk about that.

Okay. Don't worry about that. No danger of that. Bombs dropping all around us. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Our readers have sent in some more celebrity haircuts. Oh, yeah? We have surely the Phil Foden.

That fringe should be part of the flag. Does Phil Foden still have that? Phil Foden I felt sorry for because when we went into the Euros, he had a Gaza peroxide blonde haircut in a tribute to when Gaza was in the Euros in 96 and then he didn't get picked in the team. Is that why he had that haircut? Yeah, that was so cruel. If someone, you know, if someone like,

you know, it was World Book Day this week, you want to include the kids who have dressed up. Guess who my son went to World Book Day as this week? Oh! Remember, it's supposed to be characters from books. Okay. Guess who my son went to World Book Day as this week? Oh. Remember, it's supposed to be characters from books. OK. Yeah, this could be a tedious radio. Guessing games on the radio.

He should have gone as Frank Skinner from the autobiography. Yeah, it's hard. I'm not the sort of celebrity you can go to a fancy dress party as. Oh, I don't think. Oh, I don't know. Purple suit, two dogs. I was once introduced by Bob Monkhouse, and he said Frank Skinner,

a man who hasn't allowed success to go to his clothes. Wow. Let me tell you something. We'll come back to it. World Book Day. Last Saturday, me and Baz, and my 11-year-old, we went to Kingston-on-Thames to a club called Prism,

right? And it was in the afternoon, and what it was, was a... That doesn't sound depressing, a club in the afternoon. I know, well,

it was a bit weird, but you know, I don't know if you've ever been in a nightclub in the daytime, but you get a nice look at the fixtures and fittings. Oh, no. Was light filtering in through a dirty skylight? No, they had,

I'll tell you what they had that I really liked. They had mirror balls, a la Strictly, but they had the sat Saturn rings on them. Oh. Yeah, that looked great. I wouldn't mind one of those myself. Anyway, it was a Q&A with rock legends Judas Priest. Oh, right.

And it was brilliant. I couldn't have put together all the nouns in this story. She'd given me 100 years. We went to Prism in Kingston-upon-Temples to do a Q&A with Judas Priest. Well, I wasn't actually. Ed Gamble actually was hosting it. He's a bit of a rock.

Oh, lovely. He's a rock head. And you know what? I think they had you at Priest as well, Frank. Well, yes. Something for all the family. Of course, it is. I mean, we're always told it comes from the Bob Dylan song.

Is that right? Frankie Lee, the Ballad of Frankie Lee and Judas Priest, I think it's called. Oh, right. I'm also, as you know, I love Bob Dylan, although I have a query about that, which I'll come to after this. The producer's shoving me again.

The Q&A was... The thing was, I saw these guys at Birmingham Town Hall in 1976 and now I'm sitting in a room talking to them, drinking Orangina. And I thought, this, these are the moments we live for. And Ian Hill, who's the bass player said should I match last night because he's from

West Bromwich yeah it's just great it's not one of the Q&A questions it's not did you see the match last night we had one of those

conversations that only people from the black country can have when you just say R is basically yes so you say

R yeah R R R did you? Oh, we had one of those. Great. Well, I mean, it was tremendous.

Can we just, just a brief interlude here with some celebrity haircut offerings. Okay. Nick Bryce, I go for the Andre Agassi. Does he actually ask? Because he was bald, wasn't he, Andre? Yes.

Yes, we've had a few. Kojang, Patrick Stewart, you know. Yeah, there used to be an old joke, which no one will get, but I'll tell it quickly. A bloke goes into barbers and says, can I have a tony curtis haircut and the barber says certainly when when the guy realized he's completely shaved his head you see what you're doing do you not know tony curtis he said i should do i saw him

four times in the king and i if you get that joke uh my go to bed. My own wonderful mum has texted. Oh, yeah? Well, she's texted me specifically. Oh, I love Mrs. Navelli. And she said, in my day, it was a Purdy haircut from the Avengers. Oh, yes. Purdy. That was a great haircut.

Do you want to explain? A Purdy haircut was... Joanna Lomley was in the new Avengers, and she looked a bit like Henry V. Yes, it was very A in core yeah but I remember I thought she was like the most beautiful woman on the planet and then she let it grow out in sapphire and steel and although I love that program she never looked as good as she did with that head cut a sort of Bob isn't it I surreal those it's much more of a page boy. It's very

Oz Bodkins. It's a bit Joan of Arc as well. Yes, yes it is. But she really looked amazing.

It's only a haircut, it's not that lewd. That would be good to go in with. Could I have the Joan of Arc, please? Yeah.

Henry V, anything like that. But the Turkish barber I go to, he uses fire to get rid of the hair in my ear, so that would be perfect for the Jode of Hoth. What if I went in with the Bayeux tapestry? Yeah.

Do you see him there in the back? Do you see that quite poorly realised figure there? Oh, my mistake, they're all poorly realised. I don't want him to embroider it. I love the Bayeux tapestry, can I just say that? Why? I really like it. They've got a facsimile in Reading.

Okay. And I was in there for hours just wandering about, looking at all the details. Does the naivety appeal to you? I don't think it's that naive, is it? I'd be happy if I could embroider like that. The realisation does feel quite naive by modern standards. OK, but, you know, they were the paparazzi of their day.

They were the sort of war photographers of their day. And doing it with a needle and cotton, you've got to be fast. Listen, do you want to have a guess at who Boz went on World Book Day as? Was it a Weasley? It wasn't a Weasley. He's a Weasley he's done Weasley before too easy he's got the gingers too easily

okay I'm going for I might go for a Roald Dahl no was it a trickle factory I don't that's good good guesses

but I don't think you would have got it it was Joey Ramone ah who is in the book I slept with Joey Ramone dot dot dot and his mother.

That's a lovely book. It's written by his brother. Oh, even better. So it's kind of okay. This story just gets even nicer. Yeah. But he was a brilliant Joey Ramone, I've got to say.

I mean, really. So what did he wear then? Oh, you know, the standard leather jacket, white T-shirt, and he had the wig and the little glasses. I mean, it was great. Well, I think you can bet. I was listening to our breakfast show this week,

and Dave Berry was, they were talking about what their kids were wearing that day, and he was saying it's important, you see what's in the wardrobe but then you base your choice sort of on that. But yeah, I loved it. Walking to school with Joey Ramone. Come on.

New podcast. Oh my God, can I tell you one other thing about Judas? I probably did, to be fair, at some point in my childhood. I was talking to Rob Halford, who's the lead singer, with Judas Priest, and he said to me, you're a legend, you are, Frank. And I said, no, you're a legend. And then I thought,

not often you hear two blokes debating whether they're legends or not. In the end, we just both accepted it. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show

on 81215. Try it. Follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio or email via frankatabsoluteradio.co.uk We'll also accept

a Xerox frank i have some questions about the judas priest q and a okay and other things i thought i'd never say in my entire life

how many people were in attendance it was absolutely crammed i mean that's good i'm glad to hear that every ticket was sold

if you're going to prison in kingston upon thames to be in a nightclub in the day you don't want sparse attendance no I mean... That's good. I'm glad to hear that. Every ticket was sold. If you're going to Prism in Kingston-upon-Thames to be in a nightclub in the day, you don't want sparse attendance. No, no. And they were crammed in and standing, you know what I mean?

It was like a gig. This is now the Judas Priest Q&A Q&A. It is, I suppose it is, yeah. Did you ask a question at the Q&A? No, I was at the side I was one of those characters at the side who stand around You were like the bus driver's friend, Frank

In fact, I've been at the side Remember last week I told you I went to Bruce Dickinson's album signing at HMV Oxford Street and I was at the side there I love being at the side and I saw a guy at the Judas Priest and he said I saw you at Bruce Dickinson

yesterday and I said I came from Germany for these two events. Alright. He'd be a nice new friend for you. Kingston's not that easy to get to for me. I have to come use your awful trains to see my rock heroes.

Simon of Sudbury has also been in touch. Oh, yeah. Hi, Frank, Emily and Pierre. The missus is a hairdresser. Simon of Sudbury didn't strike me as a missus type. No, but I think that's ironic. Oh, yes. And she says that in addition to Purdy cuts back in the day,

lots of customers asked for a Farrah Fawcett. Of course. Oh, yes. Of course. Next time she cuts my hair, I'm going for the skinner head. The thing is that we're not getting any contemporary people. Well, Andy Wood has a suggestion. Okay.

He says, I suppose any diminutive people wishing to go on height-restricted rides at Alton Towers could opt for a Jedward to boost their chances. Yeah, or... Who's Mrs Simpson? Marge. Oh, yeah. Marge, yes. I mean, the styles, maybe?

I don't know. I don't know if his hair's... Even Jedward, is that current? Well, they're alive. It's very Pentecostal, their hairstyle, like flames coming onto the head of the disciples. They do look like candles. Yeah.

I must say as well, Andy Wood has sent in, for me, a bizarre gift. Oh. It's rare that I get a post, but it's always welcome. Yeah, well, me, I've been doing a radio for a panel show called One Person Found This Helpful, and they send me a clip to approve every week for their social media. You know, if you do radio, no, people need to see you. It's not like the old days.

I listen to DJs every week and had no idea what they look like. Yes. Anyway, so they send me clips of me saying funny things. And this week it's Cooper Pierre saying something. I'm not in it. I'm just a smiling presence. And he's getting gifts sent to the show. I mean, I've created a monster.

That's it. We've still got to do that Edinburgh Fringe run of Frankenstein. I want to do it. I really want to do it. I'd be up for that. I think it could be great. We've still got to do that Edinburgh Fringe run of Frankenstein. I want to do it. I really want to do it. I'd be up for that. I think it could be great. I'd genuinely be up for that. I'm serious.

Me as Dr. Frankenstein and Pierre as the monster. It could be brilliant. You would be a great monster. Thank you. No offence. No, that's what I want. Could we do it where it's like a sort of black country, like Industrial Revolution thing?

Let's not write it here. Okay, yeah, you're right. So Andy Wood's gift. It would be a five-hander. Ours, and one in a jar. A different celebrity does the hand every night. Yeah. Andy Wood says,

Dear Pierre, feeling that it's high time your alter ego gets some recognition at Absolute, I've conjured up this little item to display on their wall of fame should they have one. If not, your alias must hang elsewhere. Now, this is a gift based on the fact that when I was supporting you at the Gielgud and I introduced myself over the microphone,

a lady in the audience misheard my name and she thought I was saying, please welcome to the stage, Piano Billy. Yes. As a sort of Wild West pianist. Yes, she thought I'd got some guy who was going to come on and go, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do picture of my face onto a kind of old timey Wild West pianist. The guy who leaps behind the piano when the card game goes wrong and they start shooting.

Whose hat is actually still on top of the piano. The peony. Very fine. We should put a picture up. And a lady called Belle might sashay in. She'd be the only lady there if you know what I mean. Yeah, exactly. Happy salute. Her and the sheriff had a bit of a thing in the old day

And do you know what he's very fond of her Because she's got a heart of gold Of course what's the caption Piano Billy of absolute wireless Very fine It's a lovely It's a lovely thing and it looks As I pointed out

Last week Pierre Very much reminds, you know everyone's got a celebrity lookalike, I think, if you dig deep enough. I think Pierre looks very much like Bram Stoker. Mine is Bram Stoker. It's so obscure. The author of Dracula. Oh, Dracula's well known.

I know, but Frank. It's giving Bram Stoker with that people coming out of my kitchen. If you're going into the hairdresser and you but Frank... It's giving Bram Stoker. If you're going into the hairdresser and you say, can I have a Bram Stoker? Yeah. How's that going to go down? Give me a Bram. Honestly, I bet you Pierre gets on the tube and people say, that's not Bram Stoker off of the MC.

Is that Bram Stoker? Is he still alive? I bet you that happens. If you should go to the Whitby Goth Festival, you would be worshipped as a god. Frank, do you know what I've been thinking, re-your-hair-cart? How can I possibly know that?

Wow. re your haircut how can I possibly know that wow uh I think there is a little bit of a Kim Jong uh see he gets the line I think I don't think he blends does he he gets the line oh or they get no I because you know you've only got uh there's 15 there's only 15 sanctioned haircuts in North Korea. But if the truth is there's probably only 15, if there's less than 15 in Britain, how many different haircuts do you really see? That's true. But at least you know where you stand there.

Yeah. You go in, you sound like a number seven. I've said I'm generally true of North Korea. At least you know where you stand. They should have that. On this side of the line. Yeah. That should be their little slogan when you come in.

Yeah. They should have that. Well, I have stood in North Korea, of course, with one foot, and South Korea in the other foot when I stood up when I went to the border. Oh, right. That was exciting. Is that where you got the idea for the haircut from? You just happened to see him there.

Well, I find people with black hair like he's got, they can get away with a fade because you can still distinctly see the thing, but with a grey-haired man like myself... What about Simon Cowell? Does he have the fade? No, he doesn't have the fade. He has the... Felt tip.

He has the centre-parted sort of... No, you all called it black shredded wheat. Yeah, that's what it looks like. It's more like weeterbeaks, though. It's odd to part a tuft. Yes. I think that's an odd decision. It is odd to part a tuft.

I've often thought that. People are suggesting as well you could ask for the Brad Pitt from Fury haircut. Oh, I don't remember that. Tank movie from a couple of years ago. No, I missed it. It's a bit more mullity, though. Has he died? He's still around, Brad Pitt.

What do you mean? I thought his career went... You thought he died? After the miners strike, his career went down. Oh, my. What if his career had been closed down as part of the fcher thing on coal?

There's no such thing as Brad Pitt. Can you imagine now? He's agent on the phone. No, this is a mix-up. No! P-I-double-T. I don't care. I don't care what the paper says.

Thatcher, Thatcher, Brad Pitt, Snatcher. Exactly. I'd love to see a documentary where, like, a really old militant miners union rep is complaining about that. Terrible, like, red tape mix-up. Harvey Milk has been kidnapped. A terrible mix-up. Oh, Frank, Moomin Mama has,

I think this is a good contemporary celebrity haircut. What about the greelish? Oh, but that's kind of what I wanted, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what you should ask for. I should ask for a greelish. You've got to have a headband for that, though. Oh, no, I can't wear a headband at my age.

Why not? Adorable. People think I've just come back from the Crimea. Just a little red dot on the front. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We have had some interesting examples I'd like to briefly share with you of haircuts. Yeah, we were talking about people used to go into the barbers and say stuff like, I'd like a Tony Curtis haircut

or a Purdy cut. Or... What do they say now? Somewhat controversially, Bill Russell has suggested the Pontius Pilate. I don't think I know. It's a bit of a Phil Foden. It's a bit of a Phil Foden, isn't it?

It's kind of a bit of a Caesar crop, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, yes. Do you see what I mean? It's a bit like a sort of short bowl cut. I can't picture it. It's that centurion chic, you know. If I'm honest, it's quite what you're going for in many respects.

Right. Except it has the... Cut fringe. Yeah, the fringe all the way around. The short little line fringe. The Roman emperor thing is to comb it all forward. You know that? Yes.

Comb it forward at the temple. George Michael dabbled with that. It's the Caesar. Yeah, that's the Caesar. And then Irene2468 has gone for the Susanna Reid. Oh, I don't think I'd be able to recognise that off Susanna Reid, as it were. OK. Imagine if I went into my barbers and said,

can I have a Susanna Reid, I'd be absolutely flogging a dead horse. Paul the Baggy sent in an old joke. I went to the barbers and said could you give me a Charlton Heston he said certainly you damn dirty ape now what would you like your hair cut

he had a Caesar he did I need to ask you I'll tell you where there were some good hair cuts Ray I like her hair did you see her I thought you meant your dog wow Ray good haircuts. Ray, I like her hair. Did you see her? Did you watch the Brits TV? I thought you

meant your dog. Wow. Ray won six Brits and she has stolen my dog's name but I've forgiven her One of the Brits

I really liked is I think Claire Amfo came on stage and said, oh yeah, you won this one as well and just sort of

give it as a, well, I said, well, hold on. Don't they all get a ceremony? It's a sort of obstacle. So she just won one and she was off. She said, oh yeah, this one as well, and just sort of give it as a, well, hold on. Don't they all get a ceremony? It's just sort of awful.

So she just won one, she was off. She said, oh yeah, you might as well have this one as well while you're up here. The best songwriter. Sorry. It's the end of the day,

we'll go off if we don't give it to you. Yeah, exactly. You know, we're running a bit late. We'd rather someone had it. They're getting her up to take them in pairs to save time. They couldn't be bothered.

There are pictures of her with armfuls. You know you've done well when you've got armfuls of trophies. Yeah, that's like Taylor Swift at the Grammys, isn't it? The armful of trophies photo. Trophies spilling from your grasp. Oh, man. I mean, it's greedy.

Did you watch this year? I did watch, yeah. Did you? Did you like the pants? I did watch, yeah. Did you? Did you like the pants? A lot of pants. It's just basically pants now, isn't it? That's all they wear. It's just pants now.

Oh, I'm too old to notice that. People showing up in their pants. How can you not notice? No one wears... It's literally... Any semblance of dressing on the lower half has been abandoned. It's just pants. I quite like it half has been abandoned. It's just pants. I quite like it, really.

It's liberating. Pants and a bum. Well, obviously and a bum. But a bum was out. Oh, yeah, there was that woman... C-Mat. C-Mat. Who I assumed was Kerry's Matthews doing a sort of a J-Love.

It was a completely different person. I thought C-Mat was one of those high-number channels on a hotel TV. It's an old financial news from Macau. And you go, right, CMAT. I accidentally put on CMAT and I watched it for half an hour. I thought it was an old sea dog. I thought that was her name.

Oh, CMAT. The old piano Billy and CMAT. We'll go into this in depth. But C-Match, she... Because they've all got names like, you know, in the old days there used to be people like Dave Ellis would win a Brit. Now?

Now they're called stuff like P.E. Cobbard. I mean, when did that change? I'm getting old. I mean, when did that change? I'm getting old. We're talking about the Brits. Well, we're talking about C-Mat. Now, C-Mat, she had a dress which revealed the top half of her behind. Of her buttocks.

And she tried to stand behind the presenter and forefront there. And when I saw it, they just sort of filmed elsewhere, but I'm told in the final thing they pixelated her upper bottom. For decency. Now she... Because the Brits bottom. For decency. Now she... Because the Brits are big on decency. Yeah, she made a valid point, I thought, C-Map. What did she say? She said, why is it that top cleavage

is completely acceptable at these events, but bottom cleavage isn't? Well, obviously, I mean, the stakes are higher. Yes. But it's a good point i would be utterly delighted if they started pixelating top cleavage at those events that would be brilliant it would be very watching the brits from dubai yeah but if there was an ai thing that just automatically um Just detected it.

Yeah, and pixelated the cleavage. That would ruin it. Accidentally pixelated Gordon Ramsay's forehead and things. I think you should have the option to pixelate things you'd rather not see. I think that... Why should that be different from bomb cleavage? Do you think that people watching

from extremely sort of restrictive countries, they try and watch the Brits and think, I wonder which blur will win this award? What if blur wins? They must get really confused. But if you had AI technology that

automatically pixelated top cleavage, it could be called bossed coasters. top cleavage, it could be called bust goasters. You can have that, Mr. Boffin listening at home, thinking I'm working on my new AI pixelation tech. You can have it.

I like the idea that anyone involved in AI and computer technology and the internet is doing it to lessen the amount of cleavage people see. Yeah, exactly. I'm trying to be optimistic. CMAT said, look, give the people what they want. I don't think the people want that. Well, I'm just telling you what CMAT said.

I think CMAT makes a valid point about cleavage bigotry. It was an interesting dress as well. It was sort of from the front, it looked very much like a... Oh, that's a bit creepy. It was an interesting dress. Well, it was odd. It was unusual, I think.

From the front, it was very much... It was very respectable. From the front, it was very... Well, of course, my first late husband. Yeah. And from the back... From the back, it was like a sort of oval porthole window

through which a bum was peeking. It was a bit more what do the girls have to do to get a drink around here. Yeah, but it wasn't. I didn't think it was pushing the barriers particularly. Yeah, but your bar is quite large. I seem to remember Shirley Bassey used to favour a sort of half-bottled thing. It looked like, to me, if you were swimming, if you were sort of underwater diving

near a submarine and you accidentally caught one of the submariners getting changed through a porthole window. That's what it looked like. I'd listen to this podcast, the bro podcast,

about the bunk leave. If you think this is a bro-y discussion, you must never download any of those podcasts. What else? She was... Joe Rogan saying, interesting dress. She was outraged at the pixelations.

See, Matt? Yeah. Well, she was. Curious. That's what she said, give the people what they want. Yeah, but we're all trying that. But what do they want? Bum.

What do the people want, Frank? But what do they want? What do the people want, Frank? I think they want stupid people saying stupid things with not many clouds on. As far as from what I've seen on television. More on the Brits coming up. At least they're playing some instruments and things. About four of them.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. We're talking about the Brits. Are you a fan of Cass is Dead? I don't, what is that? I mean, I should say. This is Frank watching the Brits. What is that? Can I say, in all honesty, I think it's, I've always thought it's amazing that there is music

which I just can't get that people absolutely love and it's at the centre of their life, like stuff I like. I choose six tracks a week on this show. I think every one I pick is better than anything I heard at The Brits. But that's me. But obviously people love this stuff.

Like if somebody wins, was it seven or six Brits? Six, yeah. I mean, you've got to give them that person has done something right this year. Well she was nominated for seven because it was twice in one category. So she couldn't have, she won as many as she could win. Yeah, she won as many as she could have.

What I like about her as well, we're talking about Rai now, who was the star of the night, is that she unashamedly credited the Nazarene for her success. Chew on that, hipsters. I thought you'd like that, Frank. What she said, because at one point, she brought her nan with her.

And I love an old nan at the Brits. And you took me one year, in fact, Frank. Thank you so much for that. Did Little Sims, did she took her mum up or something? I'm still loving you saying, referencing Little Sims. No, but it's a bit like Bradley Wall sticking his son on to gladiators. It's the thing though, isn't it?

You bring a family member with you. Is Nepo Nana a thing then? You've got Nepo Baby. Yeah, all the other grandmas going, she's only there because of who her granddaughter is. I'd be at the bridge if I... Well, it's alright, isn't it, if you've got

contact. But it has become a thing. It's a bit like it's a bit like Reader's Digest saying your family can join as well. They can subscribe for less money. Like a family ticket. It is like that. So she brought the

nan on and the nan I do think though it was, yeah because no one helped the nan which I didn't like. No that was terrible, the nan was struggling up the stairs and there was all these men just looking at her. What are you, give her a hand. Leave her, she must learn.

Why didn't they help the nan? Because they should have checked the accessibility. I did like that the nan had got Pentecostal churchgoer written all over her. She must have been a central figure in the... I shut hands in the air. I also like what the nan looked... When Ray was, you know, it was very moving, I thought.

She was very emotional, but the nan looked like she was sort of saying, pull yourself together. Yes, she was, I liked that. But that was the sensible nan. All right, calm down. She kept saying, OK, OK. But it was very, I mean, Ray came across really well. It was very moving.

This is a woman who I think made something like five albums with Polydor and they wouldn't release any of them because they didn't like them enough. And now she's a major star. But there was a bit in the midst of all this emotional resurrection when Ray said, what would be a good thing is if you started normalising giving songwriters master loyalty points. She said it could be net costs. And I thought, is this a meeting? We're having a meeting now.

You've come up so many times, you thought we might as well have a meeting. I thought, should I have my accountant watching with me? Nickoff! You just won an award! What are you talking about? It would be amazing to do the Oscars and then for a little projector screen to come down,

bar charts, laser pointer. I mean, master. Loyalty point. Royalty, I suppose. It all got a bit royalty I suppose it all got a bit T's and C's didn't it I thought

not now not now right well you say that all the accountants in the audience in the box they must have

loved Ned Carson this is getting good I'll be bored all evening now stupid music but this bit oh my master lot of royalty points.

I'm in. Gross and net. But that was a bizarre. I thought, should I be taking notes on this? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I've just had a correction from someone. OK. Let's see if I can find the...

Coonsburg, just two syllables, Em. So it should be Coonsburg. It is Coonsburg. I do apologise. I thought, you know, I hear people say mischievous all the time. Oh, I can't bear that. I do apologise, everyone, for my Coonsburg. Do you want me at worst mixed jingle in British radio?

Yeah, I like it. It sounds so retro. Correctioni, correctioni, ole, ole, ole. Ole. You were singing like to Konigsberg. Have I done the housekeeping yet? Oh, I do apologise. I went too early. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio, Emily Dean, PNFLA. Text the show on 8-12-15.

Follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I like that. It was like we were around a cleaning company together. Have I done the housekeeping yet? I miss TV in the 90s when they started giving television shows email addresses and sometimes they would say

full stop. Oh, would they? Full stop. That was when they used to say slash slash HTTP. They'd say www. You can contact us on www.

It's always had org in it as well. Dot org. Oh, no, I'm not interested in that. Thank you. You can contact us on www.org. Now, I'm not interested in that, thank you. Now, listen. 474 has got in touch. Yeah. Morning, Frank. The Jack Grealish is known locally in Birmingham as the Short Jack and Sides. Very good.

That's good. That's from Simon in Sutton Coalfield. Oh, yes. Royal Sutton Coalfield. Is it? That's what it used to be known as. I think it's officially still called Royal Sutton Coalfield. Like Bogner Regis.

I'm a bit suspicious of any way that calls itself Royal. Oh, that's Royal Bogner Regis. Well, it's the Regis bit is the Royal bit. Oh, of course. They decided to go fancy. God, there's royal Bogner Regis. Well, it's the Regis bit is the royal bit. Oh, of course. They decided to go fancy. God, there's a Rowley Regis in the back country. That can't have had any royal visits.

Maybe someone needed something major. Parachuted, maybe, World War II. Yeah. Let's get back to the Brits. Yes, let's get back to the Brits. So we've had Ray and her Nana oh Ray by the way did you see

she also went barefoot I don't like that do you not Frank I don't know if you've ever tried walking barefoot around anything where television is happening but there's often staples

and screws and all it's a real mistake. Bits of insulation tape. Aye. She did the slippers as well for the red carpet. Yeah, slippers is a good thing. What do you think of that?

Well, anything to avoid a verruca. I mean, what if she'd got a verruca from Kylie Minogue or something like that? That would be a great gossip magazine cover. I got a Veruca from Kylie Minogue. More inside. If Kylie Minogue arrived with a Veruca, that makes one of the incidents that happened that night even worse. Oh, yes.

It makes it a bit like, what's that tequila that's got the worm in it? That's what it would have been like. Yes. They drank, and I'm putting all this in inverted commas, they drank out of Kylie Minogue's shoes. But were they? Because I saw those shoes, and trust me, they weren't the kind of shoes Kylie Minogue would be wearing.

I don't have any doubt that they'd said to Kylie before, can we do the shoey thing as an Australian thing? I don't have any doubt that they'd said to Kylie before, can we do the shoeie thing as an Australian thing? And she said, well, I don't know about that. And they'd said to her, look, we're not going to use your actual shoes. We'll set a pair of hygiene, absolutely super clean. Boiled high heels. With glass interiors. I'm still reeling from the Kylie Minogue

Alf from Home and Away that's how she talks I'm not drinking out of a shoe that bludger that mongrel you bloody larrikin I'm not drinking

out of a shoe that's how she sounds I am a mongrel oh Alf oh Alf I miss Alf don't you Ios remember he's You've got a hell of a shoe. That's how she sounds. I am a man, girl. Oh, Alf. Oh, Alf. I miss Alf. Don't you, Frank? Ios.

Remember, his partner was Ios. Yeah. He was no Harold Bishop, but, you know. No. Anyway. But what is? So, yes, I don't think that she took her shoe off and they drank out of it.

No, I think you're right. But it was glass. But it was actually a glass. No, because I looked at those shoes. I know a fair bit about fashion, as you know, from a previous life. Sorry, this is a new puppet character we've created. And I've got to say, Frank, those shoes, they had a plastic sticker on the bottom. Oh.

You know how you get. You know what I mean. Thank God C-Mac didn't. No, the whole thing was set up. They weren't drinking out of a... I mean, it's... Anyway, more. More in a second.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. anyway more more in a second so also this idea that it's an Australian thing drinking out the shooey I in the 70s drank kestrel lager out of a woman's plimsoll and I

the reason I did it glamorous laugh I'd watched I had watched champagne jollies with I I mean Frank

sorry let me just go back you drank Kestrel Lager do you remember Kestrel Lager no I know what it is

I've seen people on TV with it have you dramas gritty dramas oh yeah and gritty dramas you might

and it's you drunk that out of a ladies plimsoll green flash no it was a very plain straight lice up And you drunk that out of a ladies' plimsoll. Green flash? No, it was a very plain, straight lace-up. No real branding.

Probably Empire Made sticker on the bottom. Okay, sounds quite cool, actually, Ben. Yeah. Well, me and this woman, we used to have these competitions because we both got quite sweaty feet. This story is not getting better so if you get a parquet floor is it parquet the wooden floor and you take your shoe off and put your stocking feet on it the winner was the one with the darkest mark oh my lord i i uh and she thought she thought she'd i, in the female category, she was a definite winner.

But once I introduced, put it this way, you could drink out of one of my shoes without having to put any liquid into it. But anyway, so I'd seen it. The reason it happened is I'd seen it in an old, do you remember Gainsborough movies there used to be all black and white costume um light sort of drama things there's a famous story about um there's a bloke ran a cinema in the midwest of America and um he wrote this story was framed in this guy's office. He wrote to this British film distributor

who'd been sending him lots of these Gainsborough movies. And he wrote a letter saying, please don't send me no more of them films where the guy writes with a feather. So I'd seen one of those films where the guy rides with a feather and they're drunk out of a lady's slipper so it's an hole.

It's an old fashioned thing. But I can handle that. A fragrant lady's satin slipper. Or glass. I want a Kylie's boots. I don't want some smelly old Styles trainer. No, but, you know, I was intoxicated, to say the least.

With the woman? Oh, yeah. Oh, with the kestrel? Yeah, obviously. That wasn't my first drink of the night, was that out of that blimsel. Just a little aperitivo out of the shoe. Yeah, the damage was done by then.

Don't worry about that. That was an addendum. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Just quickly regarding the shoeie, because Kylie Minogue had to do a shoeie. Had to. Well, yeah.

Yeah, as long as she could advertise her own signature champagne. Kylie's rosé. I'll do it if it's more rosé. That's what she said. She demanded it. But the Australian Prime Minister, Anthony Albanese,

he had to comment on it as an Australian, as the global representative of Australian culture. They love commenting on stuff. Australian Prime Minister. Prime Minister, what do you think of Carly Shuey? That's what they asked him, I imagine.

Or he just felt the need to say something. He said, let every blossom bloom. Oh, don't mind. Well, he did say something close to that. He said, I'm far too neat and far too clean. It's something that I would never do. I think it's a bit weird myself. Albanese said before hastily adding, I'm not judgmental

about it, mind you. Sounds like you, huh? Can I just say that such Aussie Prime Minister? I think it's a bit weird myself. Yeah. Mind you, I was glad to see Bring Me the Horizon winning rock all best alternative. In my opinion, it was a bloody disgrace.

They pixelated C-MAT's buttocks. Let them out. Leave them let live, I say. I like the idea of the Aussie Prime Minister thinking, I'm not judgmental about it, mind you, just thinking, I've got it. Well, especially if it's a tradition.

At home, they'll be throwing shoes full of beer at the TV if they see me criticising this tradition. They won't like that. See, I don't remember it, you know, in my day. Well, you were there. Well, I was there, but my parents weren't shooey types. No. I don't think so.

I like the idea of the Met at Dinner party. Shall we all do a shooey? Go on, let's do a shooey. No, I don't. I mean, it's not arginine, I'm sure. What about if you drank a verruca? That'd be terrible. Okay, isn't that charming?

Oh, here's the thing. I was at home yesterday and my partner said, I was upstairs working. In your little office? In my little office. And my partner phoned me rather than walk upstairs and said, do you want to come and see Rachel's new fridge? Rachel is my sister-in-law, her sister.

I thought it was one of the groups up for an award. Rachel's new fridge. My sister-in-law. My sister-in-law, yeah. I'd go and see Rachel's new fridge. Probably that would be a good band. Sounds like my kind of music. But I thought, well,

A, why do I want to see a fridge? And B, have I got to go to her house there, which is up the road, uphill, to see a fridge? Also, what are you, like some wife in Mad Men? Rachel's just got a new fridge. I'm not walking up the road for

white goods. Anyway, and then I said, why do I want to see that? I'm not walking up the road for white goods. Anyway. And then I said, why do I want to see that? She said, oh, she just wants to see what we all think of it. That's hilarious. Really? In an era as well of, you know, you could be sent footage of the fridge to your phone. Yeah, well, she was downstairs, as it turned out,

and I thought, well, she hasn't got the fridge with her, surely. Anyway, I realised she'd said fringe. So she had dropped into our house on her way back from the hairdressers to see what we thought of her new fringe. And what did you think? So me and her, she said, shall I come up? I said, no, I said, let me halfway.

So I sat on the stairs with Boz and she arrived with her new fringe. And we really stared at her. She stood there. You know, I rarely stare at human beings. No, it's not your way. No, you can get killed doing that. Yeah. Not by family, surely. So,

we really sat and stared at her. Hang on, why didn't you instantly say it looks amazing? Well, because, you know, you've got to let it settle in a bit. No, you don't. Anyway, I said, I was looking at it and she said,

you really like it, don't you? I said, you know what? I do. It's a tremendous success. Good. And the boss said, yeah, I like it as well. And she said, oh, right. I said, no, really, the more I look at it, the more I like it.

She says, great. And she went home. What I like about Rachel is that she very brilliantly led the witness. She said, you really like it. No, but she read, I suppose, the way I was looking, and my cold judgment stare must have turned into a warm seal of approval. A slight twinkle. Yeah, exactly.

And yeah, it looked great. Did Kath like it? Yeah well now cats having Would it be wrong if I had a fringe And I said well that I mean it's a bit blatant If you just get one now I'm not getting one in case you're wondering

I'd look a bit dumb and dumber Wow Wow, we've got Mr Butler Mr Butler Oh God, I hate you Butler Anyone Mr I do think Outraged carry on woman Mr Fiddler Mr Butler

Mr Butler Has been in touch on woman. You're right. Mr. Fiddler. Yeah. Mr. Butler. Mr. Butler has been in touch. When I used to hang around with Steve Coogan a lot, he used to do this impression of, as he called it, old rep actors that were on

Some Mothers Do Have Them, that when they were exasperated, like interviewing, the interviews would go, oh, Mr. Spankster, just go smash just go just go leave

really overdoing just leave me alone there's always those actors you can hear them say I always think comedy should be played absolutely straight

yeah exactly Mr Butler yeah says a few months back someone asked the barber in Owen Street in Tipton for the Jack Dawson from Titanic oh now Jack Dawson

would be I'm guessing Leo yeah the barber was so young he had to look it up on his phone Jack Dawson was Leo what was his hair it was a bit similar to what you're going for. It was curtains.

Well, it was curtains. Well, it was. I saw the end of it. It was curtains for him. It was curtains. Spoiler. Sorry for spoiling there. Wet curtains, yes.

Sarah Bernard, not that one, says, a friend of mine asked for a Jareth the Goblin King. I've seen photographic evidence and she definitely got what she asked for. Who is Jareth the Goblin King? He'll know that. David Bowie from Labyrinth. You remind me of the babe.

You know, I don't know if I've ever seen Labyrinth. It's got puppets in. I know, it's not like me to miss a puppet-based feature film. No. And it's got David Bowie and his big special... Attention all around the room.

Well, he has a very tight pair of tights prancing around. He did that a lot. Chatting to puppets. And Thomas says, has said that someone in the barbers

the other day asked for a Jacob Elordi. Are you familiar with his work? Yes. Tell Frank who it is. Who is that? The handsome fellow from Saltburn. Have you seen Saltburn?

No. Okay. I like the way, whenever you ask Frank if he's seen something... Isn't it another drama without aliens? No, I know, but Frank, you can't just watch aliens. Jacob Elordi is Australian as well, isn't he? I will occasionally stretch to a dragon.

See, it's strange that we get on. Tight-fisted wizard. On Channel 5. Jacob Elordi is Australian, isn't he? That's actually my Twitter handle, tight-fisted wizard. Do you think Jacob Elordi's done a shoeie? Who was the guy

I was on that which should not be named Sunday brunch with a guy called Archie I think he was Archie Midequi

Right He's his He's his co-star Yeah It's not Aesor It's not Aesor Alright It's Sunday brunch What happened? Did's not Aesol. All right.

It's Sunday brunch. What happened? Did they ever ask you back on? Do you think that's it now? I'll never get my golden mug. I fell three appearances short. Well, you did say, Frank, in the middle of the show, I thought this was a rehearsal. It was deconstruction.

That's, you know, it's a bona fide, critical, analytical... You brought a Brechtian vibe to Sunday brunch and they resented it. I did. They should have thanked me for it. What did they say to you on air, Frank? They said you were being... Stop being so negative is what they said. I mean,

did they say that to Jacques Lacan or Jacques Derrida? No, they didn't. They never said it to Jacques Derrida. Ever. On Sunday brunch. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Ruth Jordan. Ruth Jordan. Remember Ruth Jordan? Yes. We love a bit of Ruth Jordan. I Ruth Jordan? Yes. We love a bit of Ruth Jordan. I thought we were going to have a whole show without us contacting. I thought she was in a hoff about something. No.

She's not got a cobb on. What's your favourite expression, by the way, for being angry? Because cobb on is northern, isn't it? I learnt that from a Macunian. I like Mardy. Oh. What do they say in Birmingham when they're upset with someone? Shut up. I've always liked miffed. I like Mardy. Oh. What do they say in Birmingham when they're upset with someone? Shut up.

I don't know. I've always liked miffed, but I don't think that's a Birmingham thing. I like peaked. They're a bit miffed. Ruth Jordan. Didn't Frank used to live near a shop? There is one, actually, in Birmingham, but I don't think I can say the first. There's a four-letter word that begins with A, which is not slightly relevant to see, Matt.

And they'd say, he's got his mm in his hands. Oh. If he was in a sulk. Well, there were two in Australia they used to use. Oh, yeah? Which was, have you got a set on me? Okay. And I think Emma's got a bluey.

Bluey, they used to say. Oh. Bluey, of course, the popular Australian cartoon. You've got a bluey, got a bluey. Bluey, they used to say. Oh. Bluey, of course, the popular Australian cartoon. If you've got a bluey, do a shoey. Do you know, that'd be great. You could probably go on for a long time with Australian words that end like that. Easy to be an Australian poet.

Yeah, and then I'll sniff a bit of gluey. Oh, sorry, I don't know. I want to say that we on Absolute Radio do not approve, etc. No, glue is for sticking things. Yes. Very 70s as well. Ruth Jordan.

Didn't Frank used to live near a shop that sold massive shoes? Yes. They would be the best value for a shoe to drink out of. Oh, God, if you drunk out of one of those shoes, you'd be slaughtered. Because Kylie is, of course, the same size as me on the shoe front. She's like a four and a half.

No, three. We're both three. Wow. Yes, we're both three. Do you need a snowshoe in the winter? Mind you, I'm beeswax. Okay.

That would just be, that's like doing a shot. What size are you, Pierre? No agenda. Twelve. I'm a three He's a twelve And they're different The men and women's sizes as well

Like a men's three Is still bigger than a ladies three Is that right? Yeah they've got weird I never knew that Yes because I love it when I learn a new fact Well

Here's a new fact A friend of mine worked on a shoot For a men's magazine With Sven Goran Eriksson Oh yeah Is he still with us? Yeah he's ill But but he's operationally. He's going to manage Liverpool, his great dream,

in a friendly type, not against Man City. That's where I think kindness and compassion probably hits a brick wall. I think this feels benign enough to mention. No, no, I think we all wish him our best. He was size four and a half, I think. You are joking. What?

Men's size. What? But that was men's size. If I was a size four, if I had four and a half size feet, it would look like I had hooves. Four and a half. My feet would just go straight down like pillars.

Sven couldn't have had... Yeah? He could have stood in a jog. I'm not saying he would have wanted to. Get in the jog, Sven. The GQ menswear. He could have stood in, like, the Premier League trophy. And he did.

That would have been a great publicity shot. He would look like a genie coming out of a lab yeah you ain't ever had a friend like me that would have been great

Swedish accent you'd never have a friend like me four and a half Frank that is astonishing is that a Swedish four and a half

I'll have to ring the X-Men's where specialist on GQ magazine but they did tell me he was a four and a half. I'll have to ring the X-Men's wear specialist on GQ magazine, but they did tell me he was a four and a half. Gentleman's quarterly. Yes. Any road up.

Our tour starts on Tuesday. We're in Belfast and then we're in Dublin and we're all over the place, me and Pierre. Oh, yeah. So come and see us. There's still a handful of seats left, except in Aberdeen where there's about 8,000. Well and also in the

little Easter break I'm doing a run at Soho Theatre in London. So when you're celebrating the Nazarene I will be maintaining my form hopefully from the tour. So Aberdeen. I'll get some tickets there. I don't know what it is in Aberdeen. I think it must be the granite.

Anyway thanks for some tickets there. I don't know what it is in Aberdeen. I think it must be the granite. Anyway, thanks for listening to us this morning. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again

this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.