The Frank Skinner Show - Neville's Novels

Episode Date: June 3, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has spotted something unusual on his walking holiday and has a question about booster seats. The team also discuss mini-retirements, shaking hands with an ape and bulls.

This is Frank Skinner and Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner and Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Morning boys. Good morning. Morning.uk. Morning, boys. Good morning. Morning. What is it to the tabloid reporters?

Morning, gents. Yes. Yeah, I wonder where they've been this week. Anyway, so, yes, good morning. We did an interview last week, PA and Misty. Oh, we had guests round. They don't come often, but we had it last week, yeah. It was the mincemeat crew.

It was the mincemeat crew. I'm still there. Somebody said to me, I wish you'd do more interviews. Did they? Who said that? That's lovely. My brother-in-law said it, in fact, yeah. Oh, well, he's a good judge yeah it's funny because

i was just on my way to the job center to do one um i'll watch here what i've got a seaside special i've got a mystery photo um that i'm gonna put up i saw i've been on a walking holiday this week more of later and um i saw a phenomenon in the bushes oh dear which um scared the hell out of me and i can't work out what it was it was some sort of okay it's just like victorian crime, no, it was built by creatures. What? But I really... What, was it a home for creatures? Well, I don't know. I thought if we put a picture up,

we'll have some naturalist who will be able to tell me what it is. But if it was web, it was sturdy. Ooh. Sturdy sturdy tungsten web what would you do if you put it up

in good faith and we got tweets from naturalists the real deal just saying where did you see this we've never seen anything like this

yeah what if we did what if we got tweets from naturists oh yeah saying tell us where that is because that looks

a bit looks a bit Looks a bit dangerous Yeah Maybe it's an AI thing, that's what everything is now Isn't that the answer to everything? AI, oh yeah they like that on the Bro podcast with the black t-shirts They've got black AI don't they?

I think it was invented in Newcastle wasn't it? AI Oh god Frank guess what? Seven. No. Okay. What if that had been right?

Oh, these we have loved. Yeah. Oh, I'll miss him. Desmond McGiven has been in touch. Yeah. Frank, lovely to spot you at the opera on Thursday. It was a great show, Aida. Don't call me Aida.

I rarely see celebrities at the opera. The only other one I've seen was Pete Waterman. Let's put a pin in that. Yeah. Funny to think

that I would only spot... Oh. You are not a pop idol. Anyway, Desmond... That's what he shouted. Desmond, say just bravo.

Go on, carry on. Desmond was very excited to see you, essentially. Well, that's lovely. That is nice. Have you anything further to say? Yes, I went to see Aida. Was it with Dame Joan? I'll tell you what they did with it.

The singing and the music was amazing, but they did... It's set in ancient Egypt, Ida. So often you get all the elaborate costumes and the tomb interiors. Sure. I don't know why, but I find ancient Egypt quite comical. It just reminds me of cartoons. It's because they're all standing sideways very narrow

passageways apparently in those tombs nobody was doing the sand dance there was that but what they did we've spoken of this before they went for

the Republic of Campania. You know when you get like a mock Republic? Yes. Oh man, it was, you know when people get snow blind? I closed my eyes and all I could see was khaki. There was,

it was all that. It was all like modern military uniform. There wasn't a head plume. Oh, I would have been a bit disappointed. They were in a tomb. It ends... I don't want to spoil it for anyone. Not an Aspen site.

But it ends in a tomb and... Spoiler alert for IEDA. Exactly. It ends in a tomb and there was not a sarcophagus in there. Oh, come on. Yeah. I wish you'd shouted that out. There was like a wine rack, an enormous wine rack with ballistic missiles in it.

Oh, we get it. Yeah, all right. Exactly. Exactly. Because they were in khaki, I could barely see them against the missile. But the singing was fantastic. They will do this, though.

They will get out the, as we know, Frank, the combat trouser and the denim jacket for Cori Lainer. Yes, exactly. The army surplus shops must just be so reliant. Or another Shakespeare season coming up. Can I have 28 pairs of combats? Was it Henry V? Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, it is. Anyway, like I say, it sounded great, but I thought there was a bit of money being saved from the choir. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, so I saw Aida on Thursday, and on Wednesday I'd seen

School of Rock at the Cheltenham Everyman Theatre. What a night of, what a week of culture I've had. Yesterday I went to see Spider-Man across the Spider-Verse. That was my big three cultural events of the week. Has Spider-Man got another film out?

Oh, yes, this is the animated version. Oh. Yeah. What's it like? Is it good? I would say, without exaggeration, it's a work of art. The animated ones are much more lauded than the... I mean...

Yeah. I mean, when you than the... I mean... Yeah. I mean, when you say the... Not Spider-Man. Spider-Man. Less lauded. Look out! No, but you've got to do the Strictly version that Frank and I like,

where the orchestra do Spider-Man, they go, look out, here comes Spider-Man. Yeah, because the guy... What was he called? The guy from CBBC, who Buzz loved. He danced the Spider-Man. Reese. Was it Reese? And he

and there's a guy going Does he swing on a thread? Take a look overhead. And you think, they'll do it like that. I like Frank Sinatra sort of era Spider-Man. Exactly. Sort of Rat Pack Spider-Man. Hey, sort of Rat Pack Spider-Man.

Hey, there. Hey. There's a Spider-Man. They might whisper that, Frank. Yes. They love a whisper. Bless Frank. Quickly webbing someone on behalf of JFK secretly.

I'll tell you something that struck me, though, there. At the Everyman Cheltenham, there's a big pile of booster seats in the corner of the foyer. Oh, yeah. So if you take a child... Art sculpture? Or me.

No. Or Emily. You can put her on. I've never seen an adult on one, actually. I think adults would rather not see, probably, than fess up. Oh, I'm very happy to. I'd love to see you on a booster.

I would go on. But I love to bring a cushion sometimes. But I'm, me and Buzz are attending some, we're doing some festival action this summer. And I've, I was, what he needs,

of course, is a booster stand, as it were, rather than seat. Like a sort of tennis umpire. Well, I, when I used to go to football, when it was all terraces, hold on, let's see if I've got any sentimental, old-fashioned music for this.

This'll do. Oh, he's the loneliest man in the world. When I used to go to football as a child, there was seating, but I didn't know anyone who was rich enough to go in here. It was about 37p a seat. People used to take milk crates, metal milk crates, kids, I mean, to stand on. You'd see kids in the queue with milk crates. Or their dads at work would make them like a wooden step.

And you'd take it and stand up. At work, the dads would make it. People always made stuff at work. Just quickly use the machine. When the Kung Fu rage came out, the people were making a fortune selling those Kung Fu stars. You know those things that you throw?

Razor shots. Oh, like shurikens. Yeah, exactly. Well, we called them Kung Fu Stars, you know those things that you throw? Razor Sharks. Oh, like shurikens. Yeah, exactly. Well, we called them Kung Fu Stars. We didn't go too deep into the culture. Like a sort of Halloween costume knock-off title. Yeah. Kung Fu Stars.

Yeah, exactly. Kung Fu Stars. But people were always making that, and people would make that. 8, 12, 15, do people still make stuff at work yeah um so i wonder if anyone's got any tips i don't want him to be topless on my shoulders with a bit of body paint on as his thing that that women used to do at festivals i don't know if that still happens 8 12 15 but also i'm i I don't know if I can take him on my shoulders for more than one song.

Oh, so how does he get elevation? Yeah, because, you know, he's 11 and most people at the festival are a bit taller than him. But, you know, a booster seat's no good at a festival. That's the title of my new song. I've always pumped for a wedge oh okay um that's like a a heel is it yeah so if you go for a four inch wedge yeah i'm not suggesting i'm just saying no um a four inch wedge that'd bring me sort of getting a bit closer to your eyes. What I want is, you know those boots that Elton John wore

when he did Pinball Wizard? Tommy, that's what we need. Three feet versions of those. Yes. If anyone's got any festival tips for the short, spit them out. 8, 12, 15. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, would you, oh briefly. Would you? On route in this morning I had a charming driver who said you pick the music, anything you like. Anything you like. And I warmed to him instantly. So I thought I'm just going to, I said well what music do you like? And he said it's not about me, I want you to just pick what you like. Oh, gosh.

After you, Claude, is what they call that, I think, in sports commentary. If somebody lets someone else do the thing and then someone else doesn't do it and then it never happens. Oh, I love that. It's a bit after you, Claude, is what they say. I went for Frank. I'd recently seen Cabaret. Oh, I love that. It's a bit after you, Claude, is what I'd say. I went for Frank.

I'd recently seen Cabaret. Oh, yeah. So I said, oh, I've been, he said, I noticed you've been singing. That's why he suggested. I said, oh, I was singing a song called Money from Cabaret. Yeah. So I put it on and I think it was an odd choice

to start the day with because it's a strange song. He was probably thinking, I'll never do this again. This let them, though it is, it's a song I love, but it's not strange song. He was probably thinking, I'll never do this again. This Let Them Chill. Though it is, it's a song I love, but it's not for everyone. No, I went to another song in the end, which was a rap song, because he liked rap. OK. And then we both listened to a lyric,

and there's a bit where the man says, I've got a penthouse with an option to lease. And we both looked at each other, and we were obviously thinking the same thing, which is that's a lot of information for a song. Yeah, when I came in this morning, I got... Well, I should say, we were driving in for ages, but there's something happened in Golden Square.

They won't let us. There's one mystery corner of Golden Square where there's roadworks today, I noticed, and clothes. What is going on over there? Anyway... It's a heist. I think it might be a bronze age

cemetery yes of course yeah anyway he was playing a very long song about Jesus the man who drove me in

I said no I follow the Nazarene but I don't always follow his his musical worshippers. Devotees, yes. As a man once said to me in Birmingham, I said, I saw him in the Oratory in Birmingham,

the big old-fashioned but very beautiful church there. And I said, oh, I thought you went to St Michael's. He said, I did, but I was in there recently and there was a piano accordion. He said with horror. Absolute horror. I thought your modern-day Nazarenes favoured the guitar. Well, they do like it.

They love a guitar, Frank. They do like a slightly out-of-tune guitar, is what they like. Yeah. Very long hair while singing but anyway i i never i i don't mind you know you get the drivers who ask and the ones who just keep on blasting out i'm just so happy it's music and not sort of ill-informed political debate on one of the london talk channels yeah that's a much worse option. Because then I don't want to be brought in. I don't want that to trigger a conversation in the car.

That makes me anxious. Okay. I'd rather discuss the penthouse with the option to lease. Yes. Or we don't... I'd rather discuss Penthouse, the popular magazine. Oh, God. I'm sorry, Pierre.

I do apologise. No, when I would have discussed that, I couldn't afford to get a car, so I'd rather have discussed them with non-driving people. OK. Have I got time to share something with you? Well, the difference has just gone up. I suppose it depends what it is.

Yeah, if it's a massive spliff, no. Goodness gracious. I don't, I don't. No one in Absolute does. Just remember that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we have heard from the outside world, including Andy Wood from Bronte Country,

one of our regulars, as you know. I know Andy Wood. He's always a good fallback for me. And Andy has responded to your... What did... What was made from work? What was your shout-out again? Kung fu stars, but also little wooden platforms that young people

children took to, when you say young people you immediately sound like a Church of England vicar kids took to football games so they could see So Andy says back in the early 80s

my dad was one of those men who drove a roller, and not that kind, not Parker, and flattened the newly laid tarmac. Oh, yes. What a guy. Steamroller. That was a cool job to have. Yeah.

He made me a cricket ball by somehow compressing tarmac into a perfect sphere encapsulated in some kind of questionable film. The first time I used it, it hit my sister. Right. In the forehead, left a lump that would make a rhino envious. It was so, don't worry, everything's all right. No, okay. It was so heavy and hardly bounced at all, uselessseless but thoughtful, homemade-at-work patriarchal gift.

Yes, that's it. Gifts that are nice and fun, but there's an element of danger inherent in them. That's the trouble. When you survive childhood gifts. I don't remember any of those razor-sharp kung fu stars having a kite mark on them. We've had a great message from 770 who says,

Hi, Frank, I'm a lifelong blacksmith. Wow. Lifelong. Lifelong, from birth. Making stuff is all I do at work. Have a good day, Dean. Just off to make stuff. Yeah, but I'm on about making stuff not for work,

but making stuff as a sideline. We were talking about... If you're a sideline. We were talking about If you're a blacksmith. We were talking about Emily was saying her dad basically made documentaries about Bertrand Russell. About Bertrand Russell the philosopher and I said well it's like him

saying well I'm making a documentary about Bertrand Russell but we got the crew so I knocked off a quick 10 minute short about W.A. Jordan for a mate of mine. Yeah. It's like that. Yeah, for him to use.

Goodness sake. So, yes, does the blacksmith ever just knock someone out for a mate? He's got to. Yes, a blacksmith, I mean, the potential. I think if you're a blacksmith and you don't have a handlebar moustache and a sort of Pluto-like physique, you're wasting a chance. I'm hoping it's a shoe last. Is that what they're called, those things where you fit a shoe over it

and knock the nails in? I think it's called a last. Have we got any cobblers listening? There'll be a few cobblers. Because I get a lot of sports trophies sent in. So I'm guessing it's that. Frank, there's something else I'd like to share with you from Michel Mabel.

I'm going there. She's... And I'm going to... We don't allow praise, Pierre, non-sol. Très bien, non-sol. Yes. And I'm going to... We don't allow praise, Pierre, on this show. You'll be disappointed to hear, but I think you're coming to accept that. However, I make an exception.

I choose to make an exception for the Poetry Podcast. Well, I think we all got a soft spot for obscurity. And Michelle says, I've never contacted a radio show before and I fretted about whether or not I should contact you. Anyway, I never thought poetry was for me. I couldn't understand it, but I wanted to, as I love reading.

I'm old. I know the feeling, Michelle. Is I'm old a sentence in isolation? I was going to say, that was my note, not Michelle's. Oh, yeah. I'm old and I went to a secondary school and they didn't teach poetry there. Girls were expected to look after the man of the house.

Oh. I heard you say on your radio show... That was me pining. Really? I heard you say on your radio show you did a podcast and I listened. I loved it. You make sense. Oh. I'll get back to you on that Michelle I know he does make sense I now have a collection of poetry books mostly ones you recommend I get them from Oxfam shops I like to see which poem you

were discussing and then I look for it in my books on my iPad and I follow it whilst you read it. So thank you, Frank, for helping me understand poetry. Well, that's absolutely lovely. Of course, there is part of me thinking I've just created someone else who gets in ahead of me into poetry section of Oxfam Shops. What have I done? Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. What have I done? Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. So, yeah, we've been doing a walking holiday this week. Oh, yeah. Which, can I say, my general sense of walking on public footpaths is that farmers don't really want them on their land and do everything they can to put you off. Yes. Which I think you'll find walkers were there first, before everything.

If you read a Thomas Hardy novel, the bloke will say, no, I'll be off to Castlebridge, and then he just turns around and walks. Doesn't get on a carriage or anything. Just goes off over the fields, like 40 miles. Anyway, I know farmers have been around a long time as well, but we had two incidents of the balls in the same field

as the public football. And now I really would like to... At one point, I was a bit alarmed. I was with my partner and kid. And I'll be honest with you, I picked up a very big piece of wood, a big, thick branch. Sorry.

And I thought, if I have to, I'm going to do my best to take one of these guys down. Yeah. And I don't think there's any... I've never heard of ball loyalty as a concept. What do you mean? The other balls aren't thinking,

oh, he's one of our, one of us, we'll go after him. They're learners. The other balls are thinking, a ball's gone down, let's move to the other side of the field.

It's every ball for himself in their world. That's how I see it. Yeah. So I was off. So hang on, you picked up the stick. Were you wielding the stick?

I took the big stick approach. Oh God, I wish they'd taken a photo of you. You must have looked absolutely ridiculous. Did you speak softly? And carry a big stick? I said we walk very... Did you say take it real slow? That's all you can do.

I've had this a few times. People will even have, they'll even put Bull in Field sign on the wall next to the public footpath sign. That's not help, isn't it? The sign saying Murderer in Field. Exactly. The trouble is,

you're Walker. They don't have, we're not a very powerful group. Do you know what I mean? So I don't know how we'd protest. I think the only way is to beat balls to death with sticks. Frank. That's the way I'm seeing it.

Very loud shoes. I would feel confident, I've got to be honest, with Pierre. If he was with you. Yes. My money's on Pierre. Every time with that ball. What do you say? A method I've used in the past...

Gordon, you can run away because I'll be blocking the horns with my body. I'll tell you what I do, and I don't know if it's a good method. What I do is, if they're on the path, if they're literally on the path, I walk really close to the balls to the point where I'm basically touching them.

Because my theory is, they need a bit of a run-up at ball to do massive damage. I don't know if they're any good from a standing start. And look, let's face it. Unlike Alvin Inger Harland. What's the worst that... What's the worst that can happen if your theory's wrong?

That's his dad. Sorry, I'm out of date. Would you rather see a Bullenfield sign or a Harlandfield sign? Exactly. Can you believe I called him his dad's name? I quite like it. Bring him down a peg or two. That's a real old bloke thing to do.

As opposed to waving a sticker to Bull. So what I'm asking for is bullet voice. That's less old bloke and more early man, I would say. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Frank, we've had all sorts of communiques from our lovely readers. Some bull-related. I mean, there's all sorts coming in. For example, 223. Hi, Frank. I think we've walked in the same field as you this week.

Really? We've seen the same bull from the alders of Cheltenham. Hashtag walking in Cheltenham. Now, there may be more than one bull in Cheltenham. Well, yeah, it wasn't actually. We didn't get... We started in Bath. Oh.

And one that you'll be delighted to hear that I stayed in Old Sodbury. Simon of Sodbury will be happy to hear that. Yeah, and then we ended up at Wooten-on-the-Edge. That was our walk. I'll tell you, there was one great moment, though, you'd like to appear. We went through the site of the Battle of Landstone from the English Civil War. Oh, yeah? So there's lots of boards up and stuff,

and they've made a really good job, so you know what happened where. And one of the things that happened is, like, the roundheads, the parliamentarians were fighting the royalists, and they were all fighting over this hill. And at night, when it went dark, the battle stopped. It had a sort of a break. And the parliamentarians thought, well, we're on the Bath side, so let's go back to Bath and just freshen up mid battle and so they

you know it's nice to get off seat off site when you're doing these festivals well they went off to powder their nose so they went back and got had a nice meal freshened up in the evening because we couldn't do it if we'd have been there because of absolutes. No retreat guarantee. Seriously? Yeah, but then they all went back the next day and had a clean top on and stuff. Do you think they sort of clapped their hands together

and went, where were we? I like the idea with them with sort of box-fresh polo shirts. Go, oh, right, I think how you did a little. Not pretty bad. Okay. Shall we? I like the idea with them with sort of box-fresh polo shirts. Go, oh, righty, how you didling? Not too bad. OK. Shall we? Shall we? I did that in the hotel lobby.

Or sort of clapping both hands on their thighs as they said, the war. Exactly. No one's eating. Food must be good. Frank, 455 has also been in touch. Can I just tell you one more thing about that? Please do

The Royalist leader was killed He's got a monument there in the field where he was killed And the Parliamentarian leader and the Royalist leader It was all mates, they used to hang out together And I thought, oh God, that must have been strange for the Parliamentarian Well, for both of them, what a weird thing to happen And then I looked at my internet when I got back to the hotel and David Beckham had just sacked Phil Neville

from managing Miami and I thought, it goes on. It still goes on. History repeats itself. Exactly. The second time is fast. I don't think there'll be a monument in Miami to Phil Neville. I think he won like three out of 20 games. But anyway, that was that.

Oh, dear. 455, bull advice. This is what I need, bull advice. Caps are used here. Okay. They're gone for caps. Hi, Frank. I tend to keep my voice down in their presence, the bulls. They're gone for caps. Hi, Frank. I tend to keep my voice down in their presence, the bulls.

He's gone. Having watched a few rodeo clips... Okay. I can assure you that your... He uses quotes here. Bull needs a run-up theory. Maybe slightly flawed. Yes, I wondered about that. The way they explode out of the

gate like a jack in the box makes me think they aren't as reliant on gaining momentum as you may think. Just a cautionary note, Frank, for the next time you get close to one. They're a bit nought to sixteen. That's Steve-O. Five seconds or whatever it is.

Yeah. Okay. I mean, you know the background to this? I must have told the story on here a few times of when I was actually chased by a bull. I can't remember. I think we're going to have to hear it again, my friend. It's one of those stories that at the time was absolutely terrifying.

It took me about 24 hours to start getting gags out of you. Oh, Pierre, I can't wait for this. Get around the fireside. This show might never have happened if things had been different on that day. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had... Oh, I'll tell you my ball story quickly. Oh, yes, tell us your ball story.

So I was a student at Warwick University and it was coming up to Christmas holidays and I went into Leamington Spa to buy Christmas presents and I walked through this field and there was a massive ball in there and I thought, oh oh I don't like this and I walked through and I did all the sort of just don't make eye contact and I got through and I thought well thank god it will be much later when I come back that would have been put into its enclosure because I know a lot about farming so anyway

I got a few, remember I bought my mum an electric kettle and I had a few, I had bags with stuff, presents I'd got anyway I thought I'd have a drink while I'm in there so I had a couple of pints and then it was dark, you know what it's like

in winter so I walked back and it was so dark i couldn't i sort of forgot about the ball and i was walking and i couldn't see anything and then i felt in the ground and this i realized this ball was coming straight at me and my hands were full with presents. So I ran and I ran and there was a stile and I ran up over the stile without using my hands. I just ran up it like

like Spider-Man across the Spider-Verse. Look out, here comes the spider. And I went over it and then the other side I landed on my backside and then the whole fence came forward about,

I mean about three feet at the top, where this bull had hit the fence really hard. And my heart, honestly, I thought I was going to die there. I thought some corner of a foreign field that is forever Oldbury. And it was terrifying, really terrifying. So that's why I'm a bit nervy now. And as I said, if I died like that. What a loss that would have been.

But when the news went out to my friends and family, you can't quite take seriously man chased by bull. No. It is a bit of a Benny Hill way to go. If you're killed by being chased by a ball your obituary has to be in the beanie it is a bit it's it's like um imagine the terror the terrible death of you know being hit by sort of an anvil or a big piano falling from the sky exactly cartoon or cheese rolling competition because you think it

doesn't really happen but but it does we actually went past cooper's hill this week which is where the big cheese that's a violent event what cheese is it called cheese rolling the cheese rolling on cooper's hill it sounds like a lovely old merry England tradition. But I think I watched a documentary about it and people get really quite badly injured. They break their legs all the time. Apparently the woman who won it this year only knew she'd won when she'd regained consciousness.

There's got to be an easier way to get cheese. Exactly. Cost a't there? Exactly. Cost of living crisis? Yeah. Anyway. Ultra Magnus has been in touch. Of course. Bulls only tend to attack things that they perceive to be a threat.

Whether they'd see you holding a big stick as a threat, I'll leave to divine consent to decide. Yes. Well, maybe they'd think I was a big stick as a threat. I'll leave to divine, I'll send to the side. Yes. Well, maybe they'd think I was a tree. Yes, yeah. I don't know. Do they think much, bulls? Do you worry about perhaps one day

walking through a field with a descendant of that bull from Leamington Spa? Oh, well, I... They'll see your silhouette and think, I've been told about this man. See, this is why I love sheep. I've been in a field with, honestly, like 200 sheep,

swarming like starlings in a twilight sky. And they are the least threatening, most gentle animals. Quite a benign... Well, Pierre was telling me off-air, yes, we talk about sheep off-air and pigs. At my insistence. Yeah. And Pierre told me, Frank,

they're quite reactive, though. They're a bit sort of drama queen, aren't they? If you spook them, they'll... What do they do? They just die. Yeah. They just plop onto the floor, terrified. I mean, they're so sweet.

They really are. Whereas bulls are just monsters. Do you identify with sheep? I can see you. The lamb? Yeah. As a real? Yeah.

I don't know what I identify with. I think the marmoset. Frank, I've got one more question for you. Do bulls still wear nose rings? I haven't. I try not to get that close, but that might be a large magnet in backpack. That could be one method.

What about Jimmy, or as I call him, 917? I was told by a fellow worker that he once worked with a man who was always seen pushing a sack barrow with a piece of sheet metal on it. One day, the man disappeared, never to be seen again. It turned out he'd been making a caravan at work on the side.

Wow. And nobody had thought to ever question him for fear of embarrassment. That's from Jimmy. That might be the greatest I made it at work story ever. An actual caravan. That's brilliant. There's a Johnny Cash song, one piece at a time, about a man who works in a car factory

and eventually builds a car of various parts. Also, Frank, I've got a bit of career advice for you, which I like. 531. Hi, Frank. Have you ever considered a walking series, maybe on Sky Arts or The Beeb? Favourite routes with a

mixture of history, etc. That's from 531. That's from John Thoday at Avalon. Now, I think my manager said, have you ever considered walking? Now that Operation Mincemeat has become so massive. Oh, Frank's paranoid now. We have a blacksmith update.

Oh, good. At last. And other things I never thought I'd hear you say on this show. Dean says, FYI, I have made loads of things for friends at work. I once made a small full metal sword for my son, then seven,

to take to school for Saxon dressing up day. He was chuffed because all the other kids had cardboard swords. Needless to say, it was confiscated. The other kids had cardboard swords and some quite big wounds. Yes. Yeah, I'm sure Dean's son, you know, took the throne of England quite easily.

What was his metal innovations? Yeah. Wow, that's a good one. Our producer, Sarah, told us that there was a stage, I'm calling it a dais, at her wedding. We saw it. Yes, where people performed. And a friend said, I'll make you a stage at work.

And she's actually got a photo of him working with massive sheets of chipboard. And he built her a stage. I mean, that's a big... That's up there with the caravan. Is he a carpenter, then? Is he a carpenter? No. No, no, he's just messing about.

Oh, OK. When I can't get any work at all, I'll get him to build me a stage, and I'll just pretend at home. In the garden. Yeah, exactly. Not in the garden, somewhere hidden away. Frank, we found out as well

what your... Ooh. That's my Scooby-Doo surprise. Ooh. You talked earlier of some sort of construction made by creatures. Yes, I saw a phenomenon

in the bushes on my walk in holiday and it was a... If it was web, it was dense, dense web and it was some sort of container that had been built by creatures. And it looks... I'll tell you what, it looks like a sort of...

If Gandalf had spat, it's like... If Gandalf had spat, what a novel that would be. Do you know what I mean? It's like a giant, I don't know how one would explain it really, but those who've seen it have seen it, I suggest you do, go onto our Instagram page or Twitter. We found out what it is. Well, the fence is out, so shall we make it a... Let's call it a branch hanger in this context. I am... Can I say, when you're close to it to take a photo,

it was absolutely terrifying. So if it turns out to be something minor, I shall feel such a fool. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We left things on something of a... What did we call it? A branch hanger, I think. It was what is the monstrous structure

which the animal kingdom has come up with this time? Another ITV game show. Monstrous carbuncle. Well, we've had all sorts getting in touch. Firstly, Maze Creative. That looks a bit like a pine processionary caterpillar nest. They were a real problem here in Spain. I didn't realise they were also in the UK.

Oh. The hairs are poisonous, so they can be deadly to dogs. Oh. New documentary series on Sky. Yeah. And a big nuisance in springtime. And Awesome Giraffe has agreed with Maze Creative

and said, I thought the same, as the pine trees here in Cyprus were full of them a few weeks ago, now all hatched. Oh, imagine the hatching. I've never seen them in the UK, though. I hadn't heard of them until I came here, and I was fascinated seeing them walk in a procession, that's the caterpillars,

not realising how dangerous they were. Well, I've made a major discovery the first one in England we have some non-Mediterranean feedback from Andy Wood Bronte country I don't know who to believe because Andy Wood is very bullish

to tie the thread from the other nature question together he says it's an eastern tent caterpillar hangar where all the pre-dusty-winged baby moths hang out. They clearly build a sort of cube to hang out in until they're big enough. He adds, 100% sure of this. Oh, wow.

I can honestly say I'm not 100% sure of anything. Well, Andy would. When it comes to the eastern Ten caterpillar hangar. Yeah, I'm calling that fundamentalism. I mean, you know, I'm with Tamara. Tamara Smith says... Oh, Tamara and Tamara and Tamara creeps in this petty pace

day after day to the last record... Anyway, last syllable of recorded time. Tamara says, I would report this to the last record... Anyway. Last syllable of recorded time. Tamara says, I would report this to the Forestry Commission. Yes, I think after I've reported the fact that farmers are putting bulls in the same fields as public footpaths. Yeah.

You should get a nice picture of yourself in the local press looking, like frowning very deliberately near the big web. I should have got one on the end of a stick for ball repellent. Yes. I wonder if they'd know if they're bright enough to know it'd be dangerous. Ball repellent? That literally is something from the Beano. I mean, you can't actually buy that.

Where do you get that from, a joke shop or something? I remember in the... 60s Batman. Yeah, 60s Batman had shark repellent. It would have been the Batman with... I can imagine you with a ball repellent, Frank. Adam West was hanging from a... He was pulled out of the sea on a rope ladder on the Batcopter

and he got a shark hanging on his leg and he took from his utility belt a shark repellent, which he had with him. Did he have shark repellent? And just fired it and it fell off. Labelled can. Look, it was very much a shark of the oven glove variety. Boys, I want to talk about G. Neville this morning.

Oh, yes. You're familiar with his work. We've already mentioned P. Neville. We have. Do you know these characters, Pierre? I'm aware of them from hearing their names a lot growing up. It's like Chris Tracy of Gary Neville. Well, it's that weird phenomenon where incredibly two brothers from the same family

can play football at the top end, play for England. This doesn't seem right. But Gary Neville, yeah, was a successful defender at Manchester United and for England. He was known as the shop steward in England. Always looked a bit grumpy during the national anthem because he was seen as a bit left wing. Yeah.

And now he's become a very successful Pondy. He had one go at management at Seville. Yes, Arteta. He was always having a go

at Arteta. No, no, but he tried management and it didn't work out for him. But he's a very good Pondy. He is very good. But he's been I'm going to say

dragged over the Coles. That's what I'm going to say. Over the Andy Coles. I'm much more aware of him now. Andrew Coles now, please. Yes, of course. I'm much more aware of him now, having encountered his interesting holiday philosophy.

Well, yes, can we discuss this, please? We should say he talked about this on a bro podcast. Whether he was wearing the black T-shirt with the rolled-up sleeves, I don't know. cost. Whether he was wearing the black t-shirt with the rolled up sleeves, I don't know. But it's the, it's your, well, over to

you fellas. Well, he was asked about holidays, about going on holidays. And he said, well, I see a holiday as a mini retirement. Yes.

He said, what I do is I have a weird thing I do and it's called a mini retirement yeah I do about six a year he said yeah

and he's been condemned for this yeah and he talks about you know reading books on his mini retirement and not working

and not checking his emails but then the retirement stops and he goes back to work you know, reading books on his mini-retirement. And not working. And not checking his emails. But then the retirement stops and he goes back to work. Yes. How long does it stop after? Maybe two or three days? Well, it depends. If it's a city break.

Then he only retires for two days, two and a half. But sometimes, in what we used to call in my youth, if he goes away on the industrial fortnight, which was all the factories closed in the last week in July, the first week in August. There's something brilliant about the industrial fortnight. It was the only non-industrial fortnight we had. But anyway, so yeah, so he's kind of like, it's like the word holiday has escaped him. Yes, it's sort of English as a second language. It's sort of, it's like a retirement, but temporary. How you say?

What I like, guys, is that he says at one point, sometimes some of my best ideas come on these types of trips. When you say these types of trips, it's like one of those parlor games where it's like, you can't say the word holiday, but you have to describe the following things. Radio 4.

Yes, exactly. Also, when I read that article, I really wanted to hear what his best ideas were. Yes. I wanted like a top 10 of his best ideas on a mini retirement. Yeah. On your sun lounger

when you were briefly retired. Don't manage again. I think it was one of them. Hat with beer holders. Yeah. Things of that nature. He's a bit smarter than that though. Is he?

He is, yeah. He's a bit smarter. We shouldn't characterise him as a fool. I think it's less he's a smart one. He's just got very into the footballeries. That's all.

What I would say about him is I occasionally, when doing stand-up, especially in a small venue and you can see, I'll say something and I can see, it's always men. Men in their, says 50s looking at me saying um that which you just said um was unusual terminology yes I want no part of it yes and I feel Gary's slightly a victim I think think mini retirement is a fabulous... Do you like it? It's a fabulous description. I mean, I associate retirement from growing up

with sitting in a pub for two hours with a half a mild, making it just last. But retirement now, I think, is a richer experience. Oh, I like that you're in favour of his rebrand. I might start saying, maybe we'd do a Mini Retirement. Should we make it take off for Genev? I think he's had unnecessary stick. What I would say is I think we should have a texting

of what Gary Neville reads on holiday on his Mini Retirement. And I don't think it's going to be what we'd associate with, you know, with a sort of oaf at all. My first guess is Sapiens. You know that book? I think that's where he's operating. I'm going to put one of my chips on sort of Malcolm Gladwell blink,

that kind of thing. Oh, I quite like that. You see, I might go for some sort of political biography. Yeah, OK. Autobiography, maybe an Alistair Campbell, maybe an American president. Or maybe you've gone too far now. I'm thinking dog shoe.

You know that, the story of the man who invented, the man behind the swoosh, as they say. Yes. What do you think Gary Neville reads on his recliner? 8, 12, 15. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I won't tell you what I drive.

It's good for the environment, though. I said Absolute Radio. Did I say Absolute Radio? You've got balls on the mind. I have balls, yes. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Rodeo, Emily Dean, Pia Novelli. Puff, puff, puff, puff.

Text the show on A1215. Puff, puff, puff. Money in my other suit. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Rodeo. Email the show. Why don't you do that? It's free.

Via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. We've been talking. No such thing as a free email. That's the saying, isn't it? I think there is. I think there is. We've been talking about Genev this morning, who went viral after rebranding the holiday,

or the weekend, essentially, as a mini-retirement. And speaking of it as a sort of discovery that he thought he might have made. Yes. And Frank is very much... And Frank. It'll never get old. Keep it light.

Oh, God. Yeah, go on, carry on. Well, you're defending the man. Yeah, oh, no, Frank is very just sweet Gary Neville. All these things that people write in the papers about when people come up with new terminology. I love the fact that people who eat at work, they just get there in their normal,

where they sit to type, and they call it eating al desco. I love a new word like that. Yeah. And I think mini retirement is a very good explanation of what a holiday is. I'm warming to it now. Actually, you're selling it to me. But let me tell you a little story about Gary Neville.

I support West Bromwich Albion currently in the championship and when they were in the Premier League they played Manchester United. Adorable. Yeah and Gary Neville was I'm going to use the phrase run ragged

by our winger and he says that when the whistle blew for that game, he decided that's it. And as he put it very nicely for a West Brom fan, he said, when you've got average players causing you trouble, then you know it's time to go. Oh, wowee. So... That didn't turn you against him then. in your trouble then you know it's time to go.

Wowee. So. That didn't turn you against him then? No, I thought, I knew what he meant. So he then went, the next opportunity, he went to Sir Alex Ferguson's office. He was the manager of Manchester United at the time. Have you heard of him? I have, yes.

Okay. office he was the manager of manchester night at the time have you heard of him i have yeah okay and he said i i i was terrible against uh west brom and alex ferguson said yeah you were but you know you'll bounce back he said no i i realized that's it for me and he said and this is one of the great football do you remember i said to you once a girlfriend an ex girlfriend we'd split up and she went to nicky um clark nicky clark's hair salon and he asked how i was and nicky clark this celebrity hairdresser she burst into tears and nicky clark went into a slight panic not being a man who wanted to deal with emotion in a public setting. And he went off and came back with a glass of champagne.

Well, this is the footballer's approach. So Gary Neville said, that's it, I'm finished, I'm not playing. And he said, Alex Ferguson said, don't rush into anything. Have a week in Dubai. Isn't that the modern... Have a mini retirement in Dubai. Yeah, well, maybe he didn't use the word holiday and Gary thinks, well, I will, but I'll have to come up with some sort of a name for this.

We're having all sorts of suggestions for what Gene Neville would read on his recliner. Yeah. Anna Banana says novels, spelt the same as Neville. Neville's novels. Very good. And Ina Faz. I'd shop at Neville's novels.

I'd go for a look around Neville's Novels on a lunch break. Oh, so would I. It sounds quite Hobbit-like. Yeah. What about Iona Fass? I reckon he reads a glossy property development magazine, like the Northwest Insider. Oh, that's good.

Now he's got his foot on the ladder in Manchester development. Lovely work, Iona. Yes. Oh, that's good. Now he's got his foot on the ladder in Manchester development. Lovely work, Iona. Yes, he is. He's one of those footballers that when he's written off, one reads the term business ventures. Yeah, he's got a lot going on. I think he's a smart cookie, GM.

He's no fool, Gia. Rob listening on the app in Amsterdam. Hello, over there in Amsterdam. Thank your friends. You love Amsterdam. I love Amsterdam. It's great. Do you want to say anything to the people of Amsterdam listening?

Well, yes. I'd say if you actually live on the canal, on one of those sort of floating homes on the canal. We went on a canal trip, and the man just kept whatever you did don't but don't look at these and think how lovely to live on the canal he said it's an absolute nightmare he said you're constantly you're constantly getting the the bottom of it scraped and if you get someone go past and create any real waves that you'll lose all your electricity and your plumbing because it will just shake everything up.

He said, just don't get one of these houseboat things. He said it about five times on the trip. And at the end he said, and what have you learned from this trip? And we all went, don't get one of these. He said, yes. This is my friend with a sort of boat captain. It's got to be something deeper. Anyway, what's the message?

Also, Rob listening on the app in Amsterdam, who refers to himself in the third person, which I enjoy, Rob listening on the app in Amsterdam reckons Gene Neville reads his own book, The People's Game. Oh, and of course, The People's Game, very Marxian. Yes, yeah. Ed tweets, I think he just listens to podcasts, playing Neville's advocate.

Oh. Dad, why doesn't he have a podcast called The Neville's Advocate? Do you know what? I think you should suggest that, and I actually think it would be a lovely way for you to get in touch with him, because I think he'd be quite a nice friend for you. He could do one about his mini-retirements

called The Neville and the Deep Blue Sea. Oh my goodness. Anyway, good. I like any man who coins a phrase, so good old G. Neville. By the way, when he got back from

Dubai, he still wanted to retire. We've also had one suggestion from 705, didn't we, when he got back from Dubai, he still wanted to retire, so it didn't work. We also had one suggestion from 705, didn't we? That he's definitely the art of war type. Oh, what do you think? Do you think? Business prep. Maybe that...

No, he wouldn't read a Trump. I was thinking of that Trump business, but he wouldn't read. No, but I'll tell you what he might like. He might like the art of the deal, is it called? That's Trump. Yes. Yeah, I don't think... That's what I mean.

No, but he would have given up after that era because he's got taste and he'd think... I think he's anti-capitalist, despite his business ventures. Oh, OK. That's my view. Do you think that, like stand-up comedians, footballers, the reason he's got this idea of mini-retirement

and no holidays is because weekends have become an abstraction in that line of work. Yes. And the idea of a holiday that is anything other than determined by the line of work is sort of mad. Yes, I think he probably refers to half-time as a mini-persponement. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

Frank, I think it's time we stroll down previously lane. Yes, and this is when people, I think often podcasters, but sometimes the reticent, get in touch with us during the week saying, you know that thing you said on Saturday, blah, blah, blah. It's a sort of retrospective commentary. Yeah, there's a slight Columbo sort of element to it. One more, just before you

move on too quickly, just remember... Just one thing. I swear I remember you saying, just one more thing. My wife's a big fan of yours. Anyway. Does Columbo always wear that coat, Frank? Always. Was he? Did he have a dry cleaner? and he's operating

in sort of California yeah hot hot I mean he must stink Columbo what sort of shoes? cigars and beer

exactly not just the coat I mean late review Columbo stinks not just the same coat but the same shoes suit I was going to say Frank everything and cigars that's why people look up suddenly Not just the same coat, but the same shoes, suit.

I was going to say, Frank. And cigars. That's why people look up suddenly when it comes into the room. What is that? Columbo's arrived. One more thing or peg off. Just one more thing. One more thing.

Why are you spraying the room? One more thing. Would it kill you thing. Why are you spraying the room? One more thing. Would it kill you to put some dove on next time? Literally the same clothes every episode, as I recall. Frank, can I ask another question? I will. What shoes do you think Columbo would wear? Well, I know what shoes he does wear. In fact, they're very similar to what I'm wearing today.

He wears a suede lace up oh I love that about him and they must be sodden I bet they've got they are like I bet that

the salt on them from his sweat has formed like the rings of a tree when you cut through a tree

do you think he has those unsightly rings in his suit yes oh god yes one more thing do you have a glass of water one more thing do you have a glass of water?

One more thing. Do you have a powder deodorant? And I'm trying to save the environment. Do you have sandblasting facilities on my armpits? My wife, she hates how crusted up I get. My wife wears industrial breathing apparatus.

Anyway, where were we? I'm not ready. I can't do it. Some previous correspondence. Okay. I can't read the next related thing. No, we've heard from the outside world. I'm going to go straight

to Peter Ayres. I was going to name the ends with B. Has to all these interviews. Anyway. No wonder they all confess. Yeah, exactly. Just to get him out of the room.

Send me to prison. Send me to the chair. Get me away from this pile of rotting vegetation. Just stop lifting your arm to touch your lip. Oh, no. I like that he backs it up with cigars as well. The guy studies he's not generating enough heat. It's a coping mechanism. I've come up

with it to disguise my stench. Exactly. It's like a smoke screen. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, let's return to previously. We got distracted by the stench of Columbo. It's all right, we've opened a couple of windows, which you can't do in a radio studio, in truth.

No, that is verboten. Peter Ayres. Hi, Frank. He does have to go on, but I've interviewed him. No, come on, move on. I can't. You can't just say move on you've opened the dam my wife's got a big fan

of course oh man of course of course hi Frank and team re-red sauce on ice cream do you remember discussing this Frank yes Of course, of course. Hi, Frank and team. Re-red sauce on ice cream. Do you remember discussing this, Frank?

Yes, we talked about... I think I did a Crush Nots joke. Well, it doesn't surprise me. You said... Emily said that she hated it when they put sort of syrup on ice cream. Oh, they get the squeezy out, the 99 men. And you're against it? Of course I am. And I can't the squeezy out, the 99 men. And you're against it? Of course I am.

And I can't remember what your thoughts were, yeah. Anyway. No, I love it. Okay. I used to like all the squeezes. Nevertheless, our friendship survives. Re-read sauce on ice cream,

up here in Geordieland, it's known as monkey's blood. Is it really? Don't ask me why, and rest assured that no monkeys are sacrificed in the vans of the North East. No, I hope not. By the way, all the vans locally have a

cheery tune to announce their arrival. Of course, Hartlepool, which is in the North East of England, was the people of Hartlepool colloquially were teased with the nickname monkey hangers, because the story was in medieval times, I think it was, that a monkey escaped from some sort of travelling circus. And they, having apprehended it, the people of Hartlepool thought it was a French spy and hanged it in the town square.

And they're not easy to hang. I don't mean on a tyre, I mean with a noose. Albert Pierre Point. Exactly. That was the story. I mean, it may be mythological, but people from Hartlepool, which is not Newcastle, but it's not that far away, were known as monkey hangers. And maybe once they'd hang the monkey,

they all gathered underneath it with their ice creams. Oh, yeah. You know? Maybe. Maybe that's the origin. I remember, maybe it was Albert Pierre Point, or one of the other famous hangmen. We're friends with one of his relatives. Oh.

Well, they get in touch with us, don't they? Is that a threat? Yeah. Just saying. It's the most pathetic threat. I'm friends with the descendant of a hangman. All right, all right. Pierre Point. The idea that a hangman would sort of chase you

with a noose. His plot is to eliminate the middleman. Yes, yes. So apparently this hangman, whoever it was, said they could estimate the length of rope needed for a particular condemned man by shaking his hand. That was Pierpoint. That was Pierpoint.

That was our friend. Harder with an ape. Oh, very hard. Hard to shake its hand. Oh, yeah. They're very informal, the apes. Speak for yourself. Yeah, you might

actually take a foot. What would an ape do if you tried to shake its hand? Well, I don't know quite how it would... I think I'd go for a high five with an ape.

Would you? Well, they don't have an opposing thumb. I'd go for an air kiss. So they couldn't do the grip, could they? Do they go for the kiss on the side?

I'd go for the air kiss. Pierre's looking, do they have an... They don't have an air kiss. So they couldn't do the grip, could they? Do they go for the kiss on the side? I'd go for the air kiss. Pierre's looking now. Do they have an opposing thumb? They don't have an opposing thumb. They don't, do they? That's why they don't play guitar. Oh, yeah. Yes, that's the only reason. They're more of an EDM crowd, I think. Right, we're going to have a break now while Pierre checks on my

facts and sees if they have an opposing thumb. I'm confident they don't. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Regarding, we mentioned the idea of shaking hands with an ape. Oh yeah. Or with a primate of some kind anyway.

That's all I want to do. Yeah. My dad has texted in and passed on this from this nugget from my Uncle Peter. They don't shake hands. They put your finger in their mouths and nibble it a bit as a sign of confidence in your friendship that they won't bite you. When you say nibble it a bit...

Just a little playful nibble. Would you feel confident in that? I'd feel anxious with an ape I didn't know. But if I could just talk to the animals. Well, my grandfather, of course, always maintained that chimpanzees could speak fluent English. Hadn't he overheard that? Yes, he took a shortcut.

He overheard them talking. He took a shortcut one late night. He absolutely, sincerely believed this. In the north-east england and there was a circus and he said he went past the um the vehicle that held the chimpanzees and he heard them talking and what were they what were they saying just talking about you know it's a tough night tonight and i can't believe we're touring the region. My dad... You should never have left London.

Has it come to this? The regional rep. Banana, anyone? Anyway, he heard this. So my dad said people would say to him, look, if that was true, why don't we know? Why don't they just speak to us? And my granddad, this is what my grandad said

well obviously they're not going to speak to us they don't want us to know because they know if we find out they can speak they'd be straight down the pit and if there was a war who do you think would get sent first? If we knew they could speak.

So they've all collectively agreed to never reveal. I mean, I can't fault that line of thinking, no. I think he's absolutely bang on there. I quite like it. Did he, I appreciate he's no longer around to ask, to develop this theory further, but

did he sort of elaborate, did this extend to other aspects of the animal kingdom or just well he only these were chimpanzees i mean i don't know how he even knew unless they would be iron bars and he could see them i think my theory is that there might have been a sort of a trailer that had got the chimpanzee's picture on it for publicity purposes but there were people living in it and he heard them talking and talked but he was, my dad said he went to his grave

he did drink he went to his grave believing that chimpanzees could talk and were keeping it from us for practical reasons. It'd be a lot more fun to see them in a zoo and just give them a little wink as if to say, I know, don't worry, I'm not telling anyone. Well, there's no pits left anymore,

so they've probably dodged that particular bullet. Would have been very funny to see people blaming Margaret Thatcher for rendering all the chimps jobless. What about them? They'd had to feature on the... They had no choice monument. They had no choice monument. They had no choice monument. But of course they would have

because they could have argued their case for pacifism. They knew exactly what they were getting into. Exactly. Oh, anyway. There you have it. So next week

this will be presented by Beppo the monkey so thanks for listening this morning

if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now get

out this is Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio out.