The Frank Skinner Show - Nocturnal Lucozade

Episode Date: February 4, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been for a family Birthday meal and received an unexpected note. The team also discuss Prime, an Anglo-Saxon chocolate belt buckle and snogging at the back of the cinema.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Morning boys. Good morning. Happy belated birthday to Pierre Novelli, who we celebrated today because it was mine last week and I own that day.

But it was Pierre's on the 31st, as we'd say in the black country. Lovely. And can I ask how old you are, or would you rather not say? the 30 Fost as we'd say in the black country lovely and can I ask how old you are would you rather not say could it damage your career

I don't want to do that no more than anything now how old is she now as my mother's stage manager friend would say every birthday

he'd ring us and he'd say, how old is she now, dear? About you? No, about my mother. Now, yeah, he'll do it to me now. OK. I don't know if this is acceptable anymore,

but I had a couple of gay mates in Birmingham. We used to do that thing of saying, if they had a... They'd say, here she comes, no, about a bloke. It was the right thing. And it always cracked me up. Oh, is, she comes about a bloke, it was the right thing. And he always cracked me up. Oh, well, she's in a bad mood. I mean, I don't know if it's even acceptable, though,

but at the time, it was a very funny thing. Sorry, continue. 32. Lovely. Looking good. And there was a lovely moment when I watched, sorry. It's all right when they say it. Oh, yeah.

I watched Pierre opening his presents this morning and there was a great moment when he took the wrapper off one and then looked at it, it was a cardboard box, and he looked at it and actually said out loud, what's this? People actually articulate that when they're opening presents. Was he about to launch into the nightmare before Christmas, Jack Skellington's song?

What's this? So what did you get? Let's let the world know. I've got, you know... No, I know. But it's radio. I'm just going to hold them up in silence. I'll name them.

Everyone on this show gets their own mug. It's not a complex tradition. No. So mine has got Marky Smith on it. What's yours got on it, Em? Let's have a look, shall we? Yes. It's pink.

Oh, it's pink. And it's got a chilli on it. Oh, what's that saying And it's got a chilli on it. Oh. I believe... Oh, what's that saying? You're a bit cold? Well, I wonder if they've thrown me a little bit of shade. I wonder if it's a little bit of subtle shade.

They hate you. So, yes. What's Pierre got? I've got a sort of Pokemon... It's like a parody of a Starbucks mug. It's probably illegal. It looks illegal to me. It could be.

Yeah. A moody mug. Yeah. Charbucks, it says, and it's got a Charmander. You know a Charmander? Yeah. Yeah, it's got one of those.

One of them on it. Oh, they didn't go to the, where did they go? To the market or something, to get it, Frank. I got another present. I'm going to jump in here because I think Pierre's been a bit slow on this list i um i got another birthday present this week a

belated one so i kind of plait this in it was from our old friend thinky back nicholas hemingway now nicholas hemingway is a master penman oh Oh. Yeah. Yeah. And he always sent some lovely, lovely writing irons over the years. And he has made, now this is, I love Nicholas Hemingway. I think if there was a Hemingway talent league table, it would be Ernest and then Nicholas and then probably Mar earnest and then nicholas and then probably um mariel and then wayne that would be my top four that's my that's my champions league hemingway's top four anyway and also there's a bit of non-determ with uh nicholas hemingway what does that mean nominative i can never say that word.

Nominative determinism. Yeah. Oh, yeah. With the writing, isn't there? Oh, yeah. Is there? Well, Hemingway going into the writing industry. Oh, I see.

Do you see what I mean? I always think of Ernest hunched over a Corona. I don't mean the beer, I mean the typewriter. Oh, yes. Go on, then. Do you think he sort of looks at it in that sense and goes, well, I'm a Hemingway, but I'll never top Ernest. So maybe if I top the method by which Ernest earned his spurs.

Yeah, I hope so. Anyway, he sent me a beautiful pen, and I'll tell you what it's made from after this. What about that? Pen cliffhanger. Have we had one of those before? I don't think we have. We will come back to PS presents, but honestly, come on.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I heard from Nicholas, and he says, I'm sorry your present's a bit late. Like, you know, it's lovely getting a late present. You think you've had all your presents and you get another present. Oh! Anyway, it's one of his beautiful mechanical pencils.

And I should say you can go on the internet, look up Nicholas Hemingway, because, you know, pens, I love them. But this one is made out of... Pens, I love them. T-shirts. 5,100-year-old oak. Ooh. Bog oak, as he calls it.

And now, what is the phenomenon? Has it got a name? When somebody says something to you and you think, I've never heard that before, and within a week you hear another reference to it what is it bad a minor half phenomenon oh yes that's right I love that and the idea is people had never heard of the body so you explain the bar to mine off to someone who is a German terrorist organization and and then you think I've never heard of that and then two

days later you'll see a reference to it in the newspaper so very odd there must be a psychological explanation that you wouldn't have noticed it before or maybe there's just a god yeah anyway so anyway um so it's a beautiful pen made from uh this old oak and he refers to the fact that seamus Heaney, the Irish poet, wrote a poem about the Tollund Man. Oh, yes. Now, my son said this week, oh, we've been doing some stuff about the Tollund Man. I said, I don't know that. Never heard of it.

And I'd read that poem. Still didn't register. I was thinking totally Piltdown. I said, didn't register. I was thinking totally Piltdown. I said, at school, I'm sure we did Piltdown, man. Piltdown, I looked up, was a hoax. Yes, I believe so. Complete hoax. So I thought, Tollund man, who knew?

And then this, he sent me a picture of Tollund man and said that the finish he's gone for on his pen is a sort of Tallund Man, matte finish. Really? It's a bog body. And he sent me a picture of TM. Oh, we're going TM already, are we?

And he said, I wonder if he holds the record 2,000 years, the longest time to wear a hat. And he is very distinctly wearing, not dissimilar to the one I bought from Liberties, the orange beanie. So, but Tolland Man, it meant nothing to me two days ago, and now two references like that.

Have you explained who he is, though, Tolland Man? He's some old guy that they found under the ground. They always find them in peat bogs. Yes, there's a famous bog body. Yeah. Lovely. There's other bog bodies. Absolute radio.

Yeah. Frank, may I just share this with you from Barry Mac? I thought you might appreciate it. Oh, I thought that was going to be Manolo. No. I was so excited. Do you like Manolo? I like the idea of him as a concept.

Okay. Dear Frank, M and Pierre, very long-time reader, occasional mailer. Okay. I thought I'd bring you a little story from our... Does that mean he writes muscular American prose? It was a Norman Mailer joke.

Everyone, Google him. Carry on. Absolute radio. I thought I'd bring you a little story from our house about the New Year's honours list. Oh. Every year, I go on the website and read through the winners to see if there's anyone local or famous.

Incredibly, I missed the fact that Frank had received his MBE, praise redacted. But in fact, an even better tribute to Big Daddy happened spontaneously. As I read through the list, I said to my wife, Oh, did you hear Brian May? To which my wonderful wife of 20 years instantly replied, No, but thanks for the tip. Aye, hurrah. A truly wonderful tribute to your work.

Yes, more important in many ways. Although I will say they're not the only one who missed it. The Roman Catholic journal, the tablet, which I have every week delivered in the, what is that, see-through plastic stuff, policy? Sure. Anyway, had a list of Catholics who were in the New Year's Honours list and they never, I never got a mention. I mean, you'd think I'd get in that list. I thought you were quite well in with them. I know.

I was once voted the, I think it was the 69th most influential lay Catholic. Catholic Rear of the Year. No, they don't do that. Sorry. Sorry, Frank. Not yet. But it's more of a C of E thing. Didn't they do a Rear of the Year, did they?

But, yes. So I was not on their list. Oh, I'm so sorry. Didn't they do a Reader of the Year today? But, yes. So, I was not on their list. Oh, I'm so sorry. I can't believe it. I hope it's not going to be like that at the old Pearly's. Okay. So, what did you get for your birthday again, Pierre?

Well, a Char and a mug. Yes. Yes. Oh, we've done that. Yes. A book, Shadowlands. Okay. What's that about?

It's about Britain's various lost sort of ruins and ghost towns and so on. Okay. So I'm guessing some Whitby. I'm guessing some of those villages they bought during the war to shoot artillery at them Yes, there's a village in the Highlands that I saw the remains of that Samuel Johnson and James Boswell went to visit It's just gone now, gone Gone, gone, never called me mother

You see, that seems quite suited to you I can't imagine you're someone who goes for the old airport but with the silhouette of st petersburg on the cover what what about the book you know what i mean by this but trench-coated man in alleyway yeah neither paperback nor hardback b as i think was polonius' advice to the airport publishers. Is it a paperback? I don't know. It's a sort of very sturdy paperback. I've never seen an author's name so heavily embossed.

Yes, we can't let you. Maybe a pool of blood on the cover and we'll price it £9.99. The theory is that you could hijack with the sharp corners of a hardback. That's the theory. And a paperback might be distorted by G-force. So they've found some mid-ground in there. What about this? On the book front, I was bought for my birthday last week.

The Wasteland, biography of a poem by Matthew Hollis, which I was bought by Emily Dean. 400 pages. I finished it yesterday. You're kidding. That's how good it was. It was quite a brick of a book. Brilliant.

Oh, do you know, I love it when I get a gift right. It doesn't always happen. Really? You've been reading that all week? The worrying thing is I came out of it really loving Ezra Pound, who was jailed for fascism during World War II. You see, Tom? It's true. It's typical of me.

You know, I always go for those kind of blokes. The bad boys. Yeah, exactly. Bad boys. I love a bad boy. I'm just one of those, you know know i just go for those kind of bad guys leader of the pack s for a pound my foe the american authorities were always putting him down they said he was a traitor so they locked him in a cage for six weeks.

He was actually locked in a cage six by six for six weeks. Really? All the sixes for Ezra. Anyway, did a great job on it. He was a great editor. I'm still reeling from... It's a very fascist-friendly operation, isn't it, editing? I'm still reeling from the American authorities

were always pulling him down. No, they said that he was, you know. Came from the wrong part of town. They did. He came from the wrong part of town. It was next door to Mussolini. He's another bad boy. Yeah.

Bad boys. Frank, would you say he's the most famous editor in terms of editor who's managed to make himself a celebrity? I'd say J. Jonah Jameson. Oh, that's true. Maybe Perry White at The Planet. Did he have a visor? Yeah, surely. Did he have a visor?

You know, in old newspaper films, they always had a green head visor and strange things on their shirts. What was that, Frank? My dad used to wear those coughs on the sleeves, the hold your coughs back. Metal, yeah, sleeve bands. I had a terrible visor experience

when I absolutely assumed that Dogs Play in Pool, that well-known picture painting, one of them was wearing a visor. And when I came to look at it I'd added the visor in my memory Photoshop facility. Yeah, who knew?

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was listening to the news this morning on the way in and the newsreader, it's on the radio, referred to Elon Musk as Mr Musk. I thought that'd be an interesting Mr Man, wouldn't it? Mr Musk.

With sort of lines emanating from sort of his armpits. Yeah, exactly. Or he could be one of those noses that one gets in the perfume industry. Oh, yes. Mr. Musk. Yeah, well, think on. That would be sort of the nickname for the best one.

Could you pass me my phone? I'm going to read the first, I mean, you know, today. And, thank you. Oh, my God. I always used to say I should we in those instances I should we

anyway thank you Sarah this is from the Catholic Journal the tablet New Year's Honours Catholics feature among King Charles' first awards a number of Catholics were recognised in the New Year's Honours, Catholics feature among King Charles' first awards. A number of Catholics were recognised in the New Year's Honours list, the first awarded by King Charles. James O'Donnell, organist and Master of Choristers

at Westminster Abbey until Christmas Day, was made a Lieutenant of the Royal Victorian Order. I mean, that's nothing compared to an MBE. Master of Music at Westminster Cathedral until 2000, O'Donnell was the first Catholic in 500 years to hold his post at Westminster Abbey. OK. So that's his business.

You do know this a lot. I wouldn't hold my... You're sharing this with everyone. I wouldn't hold my post at Westminster Abbey. Could you put that back? Thank you so much. Well, I like it. Can I say I love your work?

Most people will fleetingly... I think I've healed. Fleetingly, this will all go through their head. And they'll think, oh, I'm a bit peeved I wasn't there. Not fine. No, but there's a long list, you know, by the end of it. The length of the list is sort of proportionate to the irritation, I imagine. By the end of it, it's those people who people always say really deserve

an honour. And you don't want to be below those. Why do you think Why the omission? Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Toffee nose. This is how they've let you know that you've become anathema.

So we won't tell them directly, we'll tell them via tablets. Oh yeah, that would be good. I've been uh discommunicated what's the word excommunicated didn't take you long to forget it all now what was your final present it was a t-shirt but yeah as we've discussed on the show there are t-shirts where one may find completely irrelevant messages logos such as the one i'm actually wearing now you've currently got a route 66 yes you look at it and say you weren't at the oregon summer camp for javelin 1971 los angeles 1984 raiders it throws up an interesting question about how long a joke remains funny. Because Joe Root, the England cricketer, they have numbers on their backs.

And they have their name and then a big number. And his 66 is his number. For Root 66. But you think, Joe, it's a good joke, but I've seen it now, mate. Carry on. Well, this is a relevant T, but I've seen it now, mate. Carry on. Well, this is a relevant T-shirt, thank God. And it is an Isle of Man classic 1907 short course TT T-shirt. I remember that one.

Pierre grew up in the Isle of Man. Yes. And the TT, obviously, is an essential part of the island's culture. What does it stand for, TT? Tourist Trophy. Oh, I didn't know that fact, did you? I knew it and chose to forget it. It was so tedious.

Oh, is it? To free up some room. I'm at a point where, honestly, I'm having to get another bookcase in. Do you know, we're going to have to start doing that, Frank. We have to start deleting some of the data. I find guardians helping me with that. Quite a lot. Frank Skimmer.

Absolute radio. Frank, Louisa in North Somerset describes herself as a loyal reader, an occasional emailer. And this is rather lovely, her take on your... From Zommerzett. Do you remember they used to write, like, if you got a postcard in Somerset, it would say, welcome to Zommerzett, greetings from Zommerzett. It's supposed to be recreating the local accent.

As a sort of phonetically... Yeah, that was the theory. Well, this is her take on your, what I'll call, tablet gate. Oh, yes. Morning, Frank, Emily and Pierre. Perhaps Frank has been left off the list because he is already a very well-known figure. Maybe in the tablet, and she's put it in little quote marks um they are making known people who have been

awarded who are not particularly well known and well recognized they are making known I'm sorry my emphasis was wrong there do you see what I mean so if you look at it in this way it is a massive compliment I mean I do think it's quite a stretch to look at it in this way it is a massive compliment i mean i do think it's quite a stretch to look at it in that way yeah and also there was a big article about the pope this week they weren't worried about pushing his profile yeah there wasn't a meeting where the editor went oh we know no when i had an audience with the Pope, I mean, it wasn't just me, it was a bunch of people in the room, he didn't come on and say, hello, I'm the Pope.

He backed himself. So you don't believe that the tablet's philosophy here is that your light has been sufficiently debushed? No, the tablet are always scratching around for a bit of celebrity stuff. They're always interviewing people who say, I grew up as a Catholic, and it still, you know,

it still has a meaning but I don't believe in it anymore. I thought, go in the other papers that's packed with atheists. The bloke interviewed me, Peter Stanford, and I said,

why do you keep interviewing people who don't do it anymore? I don't hear about those. They don't want everyone to talk to them on the tube. What about, I said I'd rather have someone who, you know,

no one's heard of who still goes. There you go. What has it changed? Nothing. I've got to quickly say thank you to Nicholas Hemingway. Oh yeah.

He's texted in, happy birthday P.S. Sorry for not realising. What a class act. Yeah, he is a class act. What didn't he realise? I've forgotten already. That it was my birthday. Happy birthday, Pierre. Sorry for not realising. What a class act. Yeah, he is a class act. What didn't he realise? I've forgotten already. That it was my birthday.

Oh, I see. Well, yes. Okay. Like I say, I'm putting him down as a friend of the show. I'm now adding tall and man. Yes. To our... He doesn't look like an early riser to me.

I think he must do the podcast. What a curious door policy you have. Yeah, exactly. It's very Studio 54. I decide. You get it. Who doesn't? Tim Key, Neil Gaiman, Stephen Moffat,

and Tomlin's man. I can't believe they let in the Tolland Man. Imagine to get a call from the driver saying, I've been outside his house half an hour. The Tolland Man outside. He came out only wearing a hat and a noose. Yeah. Can't drive me like this.

No, that's when he picks up the edge. Oh, the edge. I haven't told you about my... I'll tell you after. This is Frank Skinnerner This is Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli

You can text the show on 8 12 15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio Email the show via Frank at absoluteradio.co.uk we used to have rag and bone men come down our road and that was the tone they used any old ringers, any old riders

any old and then you'd take your scrap metal out, that's how it worked kids there is a way of shouting that sort of even if they're nearby, they still sound like they're in the distance. Yeah, and also there are tunes. I mean, I don't know

who wrote the tune to Evening Standard, but when they used to sell the Evening Standard in London when I first moved down, people would go, Enoch Dennis! Enoch Dennis! And I thought, did someone write that? Write that tune?

No, no, no, no. Did someone with a sort of quill sit down and compose? I worked at a place called Pell Furniture where I used to smash up furniture with a sledgehammer and put it into a furnace. And donuts. As part of the job or just as a stress relief? Absolutely as part of the job. We've all stress relief? Absolutely as part of the job.

We've all done it, dear. No, the job. Wow. And the receptionist there would say, hello, pale furniture. And I thought, who wrote that tune? Da-na-na-na-na. And who, yeah, trying to connect you.

That's the other tune. Anyway, it was my birthday last Saturday, as many of you will know. And my partner took me and her and our child and her sister and his husband and their child and Pierre and Sarah to a Batman themed restaurant. I think you mean Emily. What did I say? Sarah. Oh, sorry. Sarah didn't come. Pierre and say? Sarah. Oh sorry, Sarah didn't come.

Pierre and I. That's my guilt that Sarah didn't come. Well no, let's be honest, Pierre and I we frankly gate crashed but that's what we do, we smelt a free meal. No, no, we so we went to, I didn't even know it existed, it was, I was told it was on the way in, I was

told I had to guess and if I peered through the doors which weren't open when we got there, there was a family tree of the Wayne family. And it was Bruce Wayne. So I got very excited about it being a Batman-themed restaurant. I'll be honest with you, and I am a bit on the nouveau riche side but I was hoping for a bat burger.

Yes. Some sharp repellent cocktails. You wanted a sort of rainforest. What was the place you went to that wasn't rainforest cafe? Jungle Cave. Jungle Cave.

Were you hoping for sort of like a penguin themed ice cream? Yes. Yeah, it was the rainforest cafe in reduced circumstances. I was hoping we'd be served by a waitress dressed as Aunt Harriet. Do you remember Aunt Harriet?

Well, you got a guest dressed as one, me. Aunt Harriet used to say things to Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson like, I don't know where you two get off to. You never see, you're always rushing off somewhere. That was her job. Her job was not knowing about Matt and Robin, but living in the same house. Anyway, so we went there,

and it wasn't like that it was terribly nuanced yes there was like a gentle nod to um there was the pennyworth bar which is alfred the butler's surname but there was no real symbol of him can i say he he's quite, I don't know, he's quite entitled that butler. He does know of course. He's an employee and he's got a bar named after him. I know. Come on mate. Then there was the Cobblepot Room

which is the surname of the penguin and the waiter said we don't use the P word. Oh God. And there was one sort of, like an ice sculptor of a penguin high up, that was it. Yes. Now, I once had a trilby hat as a child

and on the hat band it said James Bond 007 and I thought, as a kid, he wouldn't have worn this, would he? It's not, as merch goes, he would not have worn this hat. You can't just scroll James Bond on any piece of clothing. Not if you're James Bond. Very often, you're undercover at that hotel near the casino in Monte Carlo where he always stays no matter where he's in the world. He wouldn't go in with a trilby that said James Bond.

I also had a man from Uncle Dinky, it was a Corgi car, where they had the Uncle crest on the bonnet again. But I didn't want this level of nuance. There wasn't a picture of Batman in the whole damn place that I found. What about what the maitre d' said about our clothes? We'll get to that. We'll get to that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So as we're walking in for Frank's birthday to the slightly Batman-themed restaurant... Yeah. I think the idea is that Bruce Wayne could have gone to that restaurant in a film. Yes. Yes, it was Batman-tinged. It did feel like the movie where a deal would be done in a movie.

But in a way that James Bond wouldn't have worn that trilby. Bruce Wayne could have gone in there and it wouldn't have been laughable. It had the air of one of those things of fancy restaurants or in a movie where you walk past a table where the mayor's having dinner with the mobster. Yes. Oh, Commissioner.

I didn't expect to see you here. Exactly. Commissioner Gordon was one of my favourites. Yes. Why did Alfred Pennyworth... You see, the Alfred, obviously, of my youth was the original TV series where he wore... Alan Napier.

I'm speechless with joy and pride. He wore a sort of hardware store apron a lot of the time. Yes, he did. In green colour. And all he did was pick up a glass cake dome and then answer the red phone and say I'll summon him now yeah and then they would pull

back Shakespeare's head and there would be a switch which would open the door to the bat poles and they would slide down to the to the bat cave yeah but I did I just found, because apparently they have, you know, when you walk in, you walk in, as Frank said,

through a sort of a faux library, don't you? There's a bookcase opens and you go into the restaurant. That's how it works. And I'm thinking at this stage, oh, man, it's going to be glass cases with that stuff from the actual Batman films from the 60s TV. So it's going to be original comic art. All the waiters and waiters will be dressed as, you know, Bookworm and King Tut and stuff.

And I like the sandwiches. But where was the Caped Crusader? No, it's a tights-free zone. And I mean that. And when we walked in there... My son said, by the way, that it says on the website that you won't be allowed in if you're wearing superhero or supervillain outfits.

You're actively not allowed. Can you imagine if we'd all turned up in our satin cape, just bought from the fancy dress shop, so all the folded marks are still in them. And of course, when I was a child, my mum made me a Batman outfit. Do you know about this, Pierre? Swimming trunks over jeans. Oh, yeah.

But she made me a utility belt, the cloak, the cowl, the whole thing. Grey school jumper with the yellow oval with the bat on. And what did you and Robin, close quotes, do? My cousin David had a full Robin outfit. It would walk around in tiny green swimming trunks with bare legs for authenticity. Yes. But we were just, by the time that they were finished, we were just too old

for that game playing thing per se. So we would do things like, well, the other kids hang around on Uncle Ben's bridge and go in the park, but we were just sitting around talking as Batman and Robin. As if Batman and Robin

grew up in like an urban, deprived area and didn't really have any purpose in their lives. So we would play football in the park as Batman and Robin and go on the, you know, sit on the swing for two hours talking to each

other. No crime today. No crime, no Batmobile. It was Batman and Robin to use one of your places, Dossing, essentially. Yeah, Batman and Robin when there wasn't much on. But it was more Batman and Robin

than the Batman and Robin restaurant. Can I say, I did have a great time. Lots of people I care about there and the food was great. I still haven't told you what the maitre d' said. No, lots of people I care about there. And the food was great. I still haven't told you what the maitre d' said. No, but we'll do it after this. One thing about this, we won't be rushed on this, Jo.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Listen, Frank, I still haven't... What did the maitre d' say? OK. We all walked in. We looked OK, I thought. Yeah. I thought.

Note the tents. Yeah, we shouldn't have took the tents. I just wasn't sure if we'd get home in case there was a rail strike. And they were mistaken for costumes. At one point, Frank said as we were standing outside, we were gathered waiting for it to open like the January sales. And Frank said, oh, it looks a bit posh for us. Yes.

I muttered, speak for yourself. And he said, oh, do you think it's going to be all right? I don't know. Well, it was fine. I got this feeling that posh gets more okay as the day goes on. What do you mean? So I think at night it wouldn't have worried me. Oh. But I think that posh breakfast and that,

I always think that's a bit, what is it? That's because you're more hidden. Are we on the Orient Express, I ask myself? Well, as we descended into the bowels of Bruce Wayne's manor, no man in a hardware apron to greet us, I noticed, but never mind. And I was with you and your son, and your nephew was present, who is, let's be honest, a fabulously natty dresser. Oh, gosh.

He had the gold jacket on. He wears a gold sequined jacket. Yes. And he looks fabulous in it. We all seemed rather muted by comparison. Yes. And as we walked in... We just said we were the band.

We were. We trailed him like a dauphin. Yeah, exactly. We were entourage at that point. So as we walked in, the maitre d' who seemed to have quite a gold sequin jacket energy himself. When he's off duty, I think. Well, I suspect he has his moments on,

but let's not go into that. He turned to us and he looked approvingly at your nephew's gold jacket and he said well at least someone's made an effort anyway let me take you to your table I mean I like that that's the absolute

entry point if you go below a gold sequined jacket you're not making an effort of all sequin jacket you're not making an effort but of all the restaurants to bring up not making an effort it should not

have been the the where's Batman Batman themed restaurant that's it

there was a sort of aspect every now and then where our waiter would sort of here are the scones bat scones did he do that There was a sort of aspect every now and then where our waiter would sort of... Here are the scones. Bat scones.

Did he do that? No, no, no. No, he should have done that. There was an energy of... It was like... It was like they were ashamed of the Batman theme. We've been told by management that this is a Batman-themed... Yeah, but it's not a Batman theme any of us want.

I mean, maybe it was... Listen, guys, maybe it was quite meta and they were sort of suggesting, like the Bruce Wayne character, it was the sort of hidden identity... It was a secret. Secret identity thing. Don't mention that.

Don't mention Batman because we don't want Bruce Wayne. Well, Aunt Harriet would not have suspected a thing in that restaurant. That would have fooled her completely. Can I say again, the food was very nice and they had a lovely time. It was lovely. Come on. Come on. It was a Batman-themed restaurant that didn't like Batman.

Frank, why do they call it Wayne Manor it's a bit of a horror it's a bit lotto loud what do you mean the hell yeah it's like Wayne Manor

well because it's you know the ancestral home of the Waynes what if it was the ancestral home of the Waynes and it's like

the Christian name so there's all blokes in shell suits and stuff sitting around Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio No, so it's all blokes in shell suits and stuff sitting around. Frank, you were talking earlier about... Boy, was I. That's what I do.

You were talking earlier about the dogs playing poker. Well, playing pool. Pool, I do apologise. Yeah, I was saying that I had... I'm talking about what's going poker um well playing pool pool i do apologize yeah i was saying that i'm talking about what's going on in my house currently in case you missed it i had i absolutely assumed i was doing a tv show i think and i wanted to show i was talking about people wearing visors and i said let's get that that picture where dogs play pool because they wear visors. And when we got it, there wasn't a dog with a visor. Well, we've had texts in from no less than Nicholas Hemingway and others. Oh.

There is a dog wearing a visor in dogs playing pool. However, there is no visor in dogs playing poker. They are companion pieces to one another. Maybe, and this I would say is a thing that haunted my entire career and continues to do so, that when I said, can you get the dogs playing pool, they brought in dogs playing poker. Yeah.

Maybe. They presumed. You have to remember the media is full of people who were in the right place at the right time, both birth and geography-wise. And I always used to give a speech about how I had friends who worked on the bins who I thought were brighter and more determined.

If only they'd had a bit more fortune in their birth. It never went that well. No. Anyway. There's no spontaneous applause. So when they play pool, they do wear visors. So I had remembered. They all look like old guys.

They get mixed up about stuff. So it wasn't the Mandela effect? Not a true example of the mandela effect although close so they do in paul they don't in poco is that right i believe so okay so according what is the true example of the mandela effect uh yeah the mandela effect is when you remember something a certain way and then when you watch it again it isn't It's mass memory I think generally. Is it mass? Because I'm thinking of

Looney Tunes I watched some of the Benny Hill show the other night which was on one of the channels and I in my memory it had been funny That's not the man Daniel said No Do you know when people say oh it's an absolute that's not the man Daniel Smith no oh

do you know when people say oh it's an absolute I mean this is the problem with being a comedian is your priorities are a bit different and yes it was incredibly

it had all the ists you can imagine you know women in stockings running around and all that but I was so overpowered by its unfunnyness

that I'd been numbed, numbed to any other offence. Sorry, it was, you know, it was at the time, comedy's got a fierce shelf life. So, you know. Okay. If you're listening to this,

if you're listening to this podcast on Monday, it's probably already lost a lot of its sheen. A lot of its Michael. Yeah. Frank, so Monopoly Man and Monocle is your classic Mandela. Because the Monopoly Man doesn't have a monocle. No. Unlike Planters, your favourite.

Yeah, he certainly does. Mr. Peanut, as he's known. Don't mention Mr. Peanut. No, it's not the nickname a man dreams of. We've had this in from Tedley Manor. I don't know if that's near Wayne Manor. It might be, yeah, but out in Manor. I don't know if that's near Wayne Manor. It might be. It might be out in Manor Town. Tedley says,

Pierre is such a good guest, always polite. He's not really a guest, I have to say. No. And does not plug his show. When can we see him on tour? Do we have to give him notes after each show with praise?

Over to you, Frank Skinner. Well, I went to see Pierre live at the Soho Theatre, where I think it's been so popular it's been extended to Wednesday night. Am I correct? Yes, and we put Leicester Square Theatre date in for June. Oh, shut up. There you go. And also he's doing a UK tour.

So if you want to see Pierre, go see Pierre. And I will tell you, it was a great show. I loved it. I properly laughed out loud. That's a relief. I mean, I properly did. It was the iron fist in the velvet jacket. That's what it was like.

Did he crack out the velvet? crack out a bit grumpy and difficult but um he didn't collect the lint that i expected him well i had a phone call from frank's partner and she doesn't praise often let's be honest not any comedians local any comedian's local. Yes. She was full of praise. Oh, really? Oh, wow.

And I was back row. Me and her was in the back row. It's been a while. And I wouldn't, I'll be honest, at my age, I wouldn't have wanted to watch an average-sized comedian from that distance.

But with Pierre, it was fine. It sort of brought him down to human level. Yeah, but don't praise his height. That's like that actress friend of my mother's saying, your hair looked very nice on the bill. Come on! No, but from the back of the room, it's like Michelangelo's David.

You make it a bit bigger, because it's going to be on a plinth. Yeah, Paul. Yeah. He didn't do it for that. All right, all right. Anyway. The people in the front just getting a sort of nostrils view.

Do couples still cavort in the back seat? Is that thing that's gone down the back row? Uh, Pierre? You're still young. You're still in a fresh relationship. Would you go to a back row and kiss and stuff? I don't think so. I think your comples,

now certainly in London, where it's so hard to get a star to home, would be more reliant on the back row than they ever were. Anyway, you guys? They don't do the back row. Sarah, do you ever ever... Mate, you can't ask these questions of the people. I think it's all right.

They can always say, mind your own business. I'd like to know. Here's the thing. No, what I mean, Frank, is these young people don't do the back row. They do Netflix and chill, don't they? I just wondered if it had stopped. If that still goes on,

if people would go back row seats so they could snog. Maybe there's a decline that's in proportion with the spreading of camera phones and things. I know someone who had the most inappropriate back row shenanigans, let's call them. Oh, really? I'm afraid it was during the madness of King George. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, what a period in history, that one.

How old are these people? You don't go and see that film and get up to shenanigans. It's inappropriate. I have snogged in the back row, but generally speaking, I would snog about halfway down because I wanted to snog, but I didn't want to sacrifice my view of the film, if you know what I mean.

You're all right there because people behind can't really see what's happening, and people ahead, they assume that noise is you, is your drinking straw taking up the last dregs of a Keora orange. But I'd love to know, if anyone listening still has a bit of a Bat Row snog, I'd love to know. I mean, it may just have gone. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Frank, you have been asking our readers whether they still enjoy a, what shall we call it, a backseat?

A back row snog. Not backseat. Oh, sorry. That's more in the car, isn't it? We don't want to go into it in the car. That's a bit sleazy. No, I don't want to. That's very sleazy.

Don't want to go into that car park, et cetera. Okay. Mrs. Trellis has got in touch. Okay. That's a great name. She said Mrs. Trellis? Rose, I'm guessing. Oh, lovely.

Sounds like a character from sort of Terry and June, the sitcom. Mrs. Trellis? Yes. June! Mrs. Trellis says, Snogging's free. The cinema isn't. If I've paid to see a film,

I'm going to watch the film. Good point, good point. Mrs Trellis, I love you. I think the key, Mrs Trellis, is to pull them to you. Then you can still watch the film. Yes. Okay.

Yeah, you want to be like, not the page that's turned, so to speak. Yes, not Verso. Clinton says front row only, strict rule, be in the movie, no exceptions. Wow, that is... People avoid... I was in the front row for the first Star Wars movie. Sorry.

Yeah, sorry about this. Frank says Star Wars. There was a queue. He thinks everyone says it sorry Frank there was a queue at the Gourmet so we ended up in

and I always said to my friends most of the people in this cinema think we're in it it was it was enormous screen

that bit when the spaceship you know overhead you forget like the first time you see Star Wars, whoa, it's amazing. So, yes, to choose the front row. I often choose the front row.

Do you? Really? Do you not sort of feel a bit like you're looking up at a film instead of watching it? Yes, the neck. I'm constantly looking up at the world. That's true. Don't say that's true. That's true.

No, but I'm used to it. That's true. Don't say that's true. That's true. That's true. No, but it's true. I'm used to it. I like it. Yeah. We also have Jane who's got in touch. I think you're going to like Jane, Frank.

Okay. Always hated the cinema. Loved films. Hate the stench and sound of other people. Oh, gosh. I can't go with the last bit. Stench.

My only problem with the cinema is you have to watch the whole film nowadays all the way through. And when I watch films at home, as I've said before, I like to watch 20 minutes one night and then maybe 15 the next. 15?

Yeah, I always think of it. How do you watch 15 minutes one night and then maybe 15 the next. 15? Yeah, I always think of it. How can you watch 15 minutes of a film? Yeah. I describe the method as my panettone method. Whenever panettone at Christmas, I like to rip a chunk off and eat it and then I probably won't touch it again until the next day.

I wouldn't want to sit and eat the entire panett Tony in one go. I would. But now with the film, how do you choose, what sort of points are you choosing to sort of go, okay, I'll stop it there? Well, I will say, like, if it's me and my son watching it, I'll say, here's the thing,

see if you can get a really good freeze. And I get him, get a really, you know, a good close of a character or someone in mid-air or someone like that. But that interests me because yet you will gorge on the T.S. Eliot Wasteland book

and I think that's interesting that there is maybe a sense of slight guilt towards the cinematic experience. Well, I watched an entire film on the night of my birthday. What did you watch? Well, I watched an entire film on the night of my birthday. What did you watch? Well, I'll tell you after this.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, do you think it's odd that I drink Lucozade at night? At night? Is that quite odd? Nocturnal Lucozade. It's been... Lucozade has become... We're not getting paid, by the way. we don't know anyone at least i don't know don't send us lucas no don't it's not that keen man no you can send this prime which has become this cult what's that drink it's a

youtube drink that my son says can you get me some you could get me some prime someone at school had a bottle today all to themselves and i said yeah i'll get you some we're going the news agent no no we don't have it you have to go online you're only allowed to wipe by one bottle and it's like 11 pounds of what how did that happen? What is Prime? Is it one of those goth energy drinks? It's just a drink. It's just a drink. It's just a... But it's like Furby.

I'm going to need a few more details. Remember the Furby phenomenon when everyone said you can't get Furby. It's like that, but with a soft drink. Oh, it's Tracy Island. The popularity, don't make the mistake of assuming the popularity and rarity

is due to the qualities of the drink. I believe you'll find... What is it? tulip fever? You know what Mark Twain said? If ever you find yourself on the side of the majority it is time to reassess your position.

Have you tried prime, Frank? I haven't tried it. That's like saying I have a very dodo. It's, I don't mean the character from Doctor Who, in case anyone takes in. No, it's like trying to get blue jeans in 1960s Soviet Russia. Yes. It's a YouTuber drink.

A YouTuber has released it as a drink. It's a really strange phenomenon is it the sort of drink you'd have while sitting in one of those gamer chairs which make me sick if you're going to drink it you really need to be taking photos and putting them on your TikTok

I've got some Prime I think you with your TikTok anyway when I used to drink, actually I do quite like Lucas, but don't send me any because I don't want to. No, don't send us.

But in the evening, would you think it wasn't a good, it was a strange choice? Well, I only had it when I was poorly. When I was a kid, it used to come in, now it's in an orange bottle. It was in a clear glass bottle,

but in a prissy cellophane wrapping that was twisted at the top and it covered the... So you thought, oh, an orange bottle. That's... Oh, it's just

a clear glass. I've been looking at the world through orange tinted cellophane. How was it... How was it fastened? Was it an elastic band

or a twister? No, it was just twisted at the top and somehow it held. Like it was a sort of giant suite? Yeah, like it was a twister? No, it was just twisted at the top and somehow it held. Like it was a sort of giant suite? Yeah, like it was a giant suite. Oh, right. I don't know.

I wish I'd kept those sheets of orange cellophane. I'm sure they would have come in. What would you have done with it? I would have used it for forgiving lighting. It would have been helpful for my Donald Trump stage show lighting. Save on make-up. Yeah. Anyway.

So, yeah, so I associated with illness and suddenly became an energy drink. That was a clever bit of rebranding because illness is not that cool, whereas energy is, you know, everyone's after it. It's true. So I think of it, I don't want to really have something that would give me zing,

although I do, I'm a light tea drinker. I will drink tea at last thing before I go to bed. How nocturnal is this Lucozade? By Jermaine Beeswax. It's sometimes, things I haven't said since 1979. Is that something

all Keith would say? Well, it makes me think of a character in Equus by Peter Schaeffer. Not that character. Who used to say mind your own beeswax.

R. Keith, do you know who R. Keith is? Frank's brother. He says great things. He said, let's see what's on that goggle box. He should get royalties

from that show. Yeah, you think that's where they got it from? Yeah, they copied it off him, fine. But we were talking about the fact that if you've got something in the fridge, like Le Cassade or Bia, as you were saying, Pierre, that Bia, as they call it in his house.

Le Bia de Pierre. That you wouldn't be able to resist it. You wouldn't be able to leave it alone. In the end, you'd just consume it. You can, though. Whereas I can have two squares of chocolate and then put the rest back in there. What is that?

Is that a Catholicism thing? I don't know. I just... Maybe, yeah. I've just completed, finished eating, that is, a chocolate facsimile of the ornate gold belt buckle that was found at Sutton Hoo, which I was bought for my last birthday.

And I've had a little bite here and a little bite there, and it took me a year to eat it. A year to eat a belt buckle? Yeah. That's a long time for a belt buckle. I don't know what the time is for a chocolate Anglo-Saxon belt buckle. That sounds like one of those sort of phrases that you'd read in a book that has to come with a footnote.

Take him a year to eat a belt buckle. In those days, it meant a very parsimonious sort of thing. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. David Ivor Price. We are? Oh, I like that. Well, we all have.

Ivor Price is great. Yeah. There is plenty of the prime drink in the spa on Kirlion Road, Newport. Is there? It's £2.99. Only another 50p would secure a bottle of Buckfast tonic wine. So there is plenty of prime

to go round all flavours. Ivor, here's a business suggestion. Buy as many as you can and put it on eBay. Yeah. Do you think so? I'm not kidding you. Have a look at what people are paying for it. It's mad. It is tulip fever. Have you tasted it? No.

No, tasted it? And I shan't. Are you crazy? I've never even seen it. It would be going straight into the cellar. Exactly. I'm only, I'm buying it for lying down. I'm not

going to taste this prime. It's not for drinking, Matt. Oh, goodness me. Oh, dear. I love the idea of someone celebrating some big birthday and the sommelier bringing out

the bottle of lurid prime, which I assume is garish colours. Yes. Well, when I celebrated my birthday, I had a frozen Watsit. You did? Oh, was this at... Shipping the Sats out close to the door. Are you actually joking?

No, they did. We had Watsits and... Where was that? At the nuanced Batman restaurant? Yeah, at the not Batman restaurant. Don't mention the B word. Didn't you have a frozen Watsi? None of your business.

Okay. It's one of those where you bite it and steam comes out your nostrils. Well, yes, because we all went round the table, didn't we? Seeing what, doing our bit. Yeah. So everyone would have the light, the focus on them. And when it came to me, I was a bit torn. Okay. Because I wanted to do it well to me, I was a bit torn.

OK. Because I wanted to do it well, but I wanted to appear ladylike. You don't want stuff shooting at your nostrils. It's all right for you characters. Yeah, and bulls. Sorry? Bulls, they look quite good with a snorting steam from the nostril. Oh, yes, are they the only... Them and dragons are the only animals I know.

Yes, you do. Really? David Attenborough. Not the man he was, ladies and gentlemen. I can't think of any others. No, nothing else shoots steam out of it. You saw a rabbit

shooting steam out of its nose. You think, what's gone wrong? I'll tell you what was a weird thing. I was in a play where I did a publicity shot in which I was naked and I have to cover myself. Oh, God, I remember that. With a tortoise.

I know. What was it, Frank? Something cooking Elvis? Cooking with Elvis, yeah. And one thing that I was on, I should have known this because it's a reptile, presumably. Is it? There was, when I felt its nostril breath on my lower abdomen, it was icy cold.

God. So I'm just reading from my new Mills and Boone, which I'm writing now. I write one a month. 30 quid. I was going to say, that has been said of me before. When I felt its nostril breath. Cold, icy cold nostril breath on the lower abdomen. How did you feel about it afterwards? Well, it just shocked me because I knew they were cold-blooded,

but it never occurred to me that their nostril breath would be quite so icy. Twin jets of ice. Did you feel bonded with it afterwards? I felt disgusted by it. As I do by so many animals when I get close. Do you? Yes. They're filthy, a lot of them. Yeah?

Smell. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We were just discussing who was Emily's favourite friars. And Tuck wasn't in there. Tuck wasn't in there. She had Lawrence from Romeo and Juliet. I love that friar.

I like friar Jacque. I'm just making that up. No, I think you are making it up. Anyway, what about Outsider World? Well, regarding, and pay close attention here, Frank, Guillermo del Toro. Do you want to remind us quickly? Don't tell me he sent in.

Maybe we should remind, a brief reminder. Well, I just, I went to a performance, a live performance of incidental music from Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio. Yes. Oh, Pinocchio, I wish you had a boy. Sounded like the make for D at Pop World

and I met I met Guillermo is that getting better yeah it was it was actually worse Pierre

why did you lie I said I went I went into the third sentence which you can't do with famous people so he just said hello

to someone else he's nice and you also met the boy in... The Pinocchio. Yeah. Yes. Do you mean the actual boy who was the voice of Pinocchio?

Yes, who I just went on about him being ginger and how brilliant that was. Well, his chaperone, who I presume is his mother, yes, has messaged in. Another anecdote character sprung to life on the radio. Because the week before, I told the story about going to Liberties, and then the lady who served us in Liberties sent in. And now it's... Juliet. Pinocchio's mum.

Pinocchio's mother. Yeah. Not someone you see on many character lists. Or the film I'd watch. Juliet, Pinocchio's mother sends in a message saying laughed out loud hearing you talk about Abbey Road and how all you had to say about the film was that my son was representing

for all the gingers out there I can confirm that Greg voice of Pinocchio the real ginger boy yes now knows you invented fantasy football and wrote Three Lions I can confirm that Greg, voice of Pinocchio, the real ginger boy, now knows you invented fantasy football and wrote Three Lions. He's suitably impressed. Oh.

Too late now, Greg. Too late, Greg. And he, I believe, pioneered a chain of pastry stores. Yes. Is that a double G, the store? It is. He's a singular. Okay, fair enough.

No, well done. I mean, we're brilliant to be voicing Pinocchio for Guayamo. She urges you to stop saying it. Learn to say it properly. If you're mixing with these people, you have to learn how to say their names. I wouldn't say I mix very often with Guayamo del Toro. Yeah, can you do something? Guillermo.

Okay, Guillermo. No, not really anyway you can forgive an unrolled R can you that's nice you didn't grow up

with actors that's nice of her though to she says she does urge you Juliet to watch the movie it's fab

and also on Netflix the 30 minutes making of I've Gone In Hard I've watched both I'm a huge Pinocchio fan. Funnily enough. Lovely to meet you, she says. I had contact from someone from one of my anecdotes as well.

So it's been like all the people who listen to this and think, oh, they make all this up. We're actually bringing in character witnesses. I'll tell you who it was in a minute. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah. So I got a very lovely note this week. Unexpected from someone who I've

talked about on the radio show before and I'm not going to tell you exactly what was in it but it was lovely and you know when the word classy springs to mind I was quite moved by it

and it came from Bagshot Park ring any bells? no moved by it. And it came from Bagshot Park. Ring any bells? No? It is the home of the Countess of Wessex. Shut up. Who I'd had a slight incident with at the Royal Friday.

And she wrote to me in order to clarify what had gone on. Are you actually joking? It was the most beautiful thing, handwritten and lovely. And did she do the fabulous posh thing that I once pointed out to you? I explained to Frank. Frank got a card, a correspondence card with a posh address on the top, and it was crossed out. And I said, oh, it's very classy, that touch. He said, what do you mean? I said, oh, it means this is. And I said, oh, it's very classy, that touch. He said, what do you mean?

I said, oh, it means this is informal. He said, oh, I thought they'd moved her house. Anyway. Well, I got the best one ever I got was from Baroness Bakewell, who had headed notepaper that said, the Baroness Bakewell. And she'd crossed that out and then written underneath, your friend. Oh, come on. Oh, that's very nice.

Anyway, so, yes, and it was just a lovely thing. I love her now. I shall not rest until I've got her on crockery. Did she sign it? Just a little indication to keep it private, but did she sign it safe? Maybe. Anyway, I was completely

shocked by it but I I wrote back and you can't keep but I wrote back just to say oh I think I might

use the word gracious not a word I use that often but I what did I write back on? oh

the head of paper because I got this I got a present last year oh my Because I got this. I got a present last year. Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. I got a present last year that

said from, this last week, that said, it's a head of paper that says from the desk of Frank Skinner MBE.

As a joke. And I thought, I'll never be able to use this. So then I thought, you know what? I can't actually

believe you did that. Well, I thought she'll think nothing of it, surely. I did say in my reply that I was excited that she was the first person I got to use my head in notepaper with. And what a start. What a start. What a start it was.

Very much thematically appropriate. But yeah, who knew? Really lovely. Oh, I'm really pleased about that. Oh, who knew? Really lovely. Oh, I'm really pleased about that. Oh, I was pleased as well. I mean, you know. Are you going to get it framed? Like my Arthur Miller?

You've got to do these things. Well, I don't know. You see, I had a few things framed in the 90s. I had a Catholic corner in my flat where i had john paul ii's autograph paul vi and then we've got new lads corner in the other yeah exactly i had mother teresa all signed and in the sun they gradually faded and then i realized that if you're going to do that you need to keep them in shade so So I made a terrible error. Okay.

I thought they would be like the non-petrified saints of the Roman labyrinths who would, you know, they would not be affected by sunlight, et cetera. Yes, yes. Didn't work out. Okay. Anyway, that was that. Oh, what a lovely way to end the show. Oh, yes.

I'm so pleased for you. Ever a little mortified that you genuinely used the fact from the desk of Frank's in an MV? Who else am I going to write? She must get letters on headed notepaper. Not like that, Frank. No, maybe not. But it's weird.

You say stuff on this show and think, you know, no one will ever hear it. Turns out they're listening to it in Bagshot Park. Exactly. Oh, series six of Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast begins on Wednesday, February the 8th. Download it from wherever you get your podcasts. This week, it's John Betjeman. It's his poem, Miss J. Hunter Don, Miss J. Hunter Don.

And in saying it, I read out his dates and realised that John Betjeman died in 1984, which hadn't occurred to me before. And live on air, it occurred to me that I could go to an 80s-themed party as Sir John Betjeman, which has given me hope. You know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out.