The Frank Skinner Show - Nordic Walking

Episode Date: November 5, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Pierre Novellie. Frank has been to Comic Con and made a small talk gaff with a Lioness. The team also discuss the No Bounty Celebrations, Tamagotchis and capering.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Sorry, I was just looking at a hot dog on the television. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. And yes, they are paid to laugh, if you're wondering. So, good morning to you both. Good morning. Morning.

It's kind of, kind of really ended. So, here we are. I, oh, see what I saw this week. Here's a thing. Here is a funny thing. So, here we are. Oh, see what I saw this week? Here's a thing. Here is a funny thing. I saw a man capering on his own in, like, sports gear. I don't know what that means.

Capering is a bit like what Dorothy does in Wizard of Oz. You know you know that sort of do you remember when you're a child and if you know those moments if you ever felt jubilant as a child they call it skipping but there's no rope no rope involved isn't that just skipping i'm not familiar with no rope involved is uh one of the colored handkerchief singles I use at the S&M club. I've always called it skipping, but you know I'm going to change that to... Well, if that's skipping, how can the rope thing be skipping as well? It doesn't make any sense. That's like saying eating is the same as driving. OK. We've all had a drink.

OK. I have, but not since September 24th, 1986. Nevertheless. So has that become... Is that a fitness thing now? Anyone out there, age 12, 15, but not since September 24th, 1986. Nevertheless. So has that become, is that a fitness thing now? Anyone out there, age 12, 15, capering or skipping, Sol's rope, brackets.

Has that become, this was a guy, he didn't look troubled. He was in sports gear. Dressed for skipping. Yeah, dressed for, you know, he might be running. Maybe he runs later and warms up with some... Some capering. Some capering, yeah.

What I'll do is I'll caper for ten. And then I'll do like 5k, a bit more caper, I'll caper down, caper down at the end. I think that would suit you. Capering, no, I was a bit embarrassed on his behalf. Why are you saying something? I remember kissing a lady many years ago and she capered in excitement just around me.

Did she? Yeah. I don't know if it was ironic or not, but it started charming and then it was, we will never be a long-term relationship. But Third Circuit... I was going to say, that's a short shelf life. Yes, no more capering.

That was what I thought about it. I've never told that story to anyone before. And you know what? It's good to get it off my chest. Absolute radio exclusive. Exactly. I love this. It's bizarre exclusive. God, the papers Exactly. I love this. What a bizarre exclusive.

The papers will be full of this. Post-kiss capering, rocks, three lion star. Do you think there's lots of sort of jubilant expressions that could become like a fitness thing? Ten minutes capering, five minutes jig.

Punch in the air, maybe. Punching the air. I suppose they do do punching the air. That's basically what sparring is. Yeah, 7 minutes clod hopping. What's clod hopping? It's bad dancing. Oh, okay.

Is it? It's from, it used to be illegal to beg, and so you had to do something for your money. So they would just do a bad dance. I'm not begging, I'm dancing, and people are paying me for my lovely dance. Oh, is that great? It's a sort of stomping dance

that a tramp would do, clod hopping. I'd like to see more of that. Say I could double money if you prepared to clod hop. No, is that bad? I'll take that back. What are ski sticks? I see a lot of old

people with ski sticks on their hamster knees. What's that doing? I've seen those. Are they worried about flooding? They're cropping up. So they can get home. Get home like the invading crafts in War of the Worlds. Just hoist it off.

What are they for? Wildlife. If anyone listening uses those, what the hell are you doing? I see those a lot. Sometimes you see them like seven or eight squirrels on each point. No. I've never seen that. Anyone who capers for a fitness thing, let me know.

And if anyone uses ski sticks, why? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 610, in his interview with Louis Theroux, Stormzy did a form of capering to warm up. Did he? Yes, he does do capering, Stormzy. And even as part of his live performance. He capered?

Arturo capers a bit. Michael McIntyre capers. Yes. Doesn't he caper on? Yeah. And sometimes, I guess in jubilation, mid-show.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm guessing he capers off. You don't want to slink off after you've capered on. 438, Dear Frank, I love Dear Frank.

I use ski sticks to walk every Saturday morning. It's called Nordic walking and is an all-over fitness workout. It originated in Norway to keep muscles fit for cross-country skiing when there was no snow in the warmer months. That's Alian Sutton, but works at the Norwegian school in London. Oh. Didn't know there was a Norwegian school in London. Oh. Didn't know there was a Norwegian school in London. Well.

Well, I know how they get there in the morning. Get the ski poles out. There aren't many Pia Navelli sentences to begin I didn't know. I hope they all arrive with their ski poles. I hope that's how they get in. A brutal school if you want a day off for snow. Oh, God, no chance. No.

No. They're strong. But the buffets, there'll be. And Norwegian hotel buffets, honestly. Heaven. I really like Norwegian. You don't? No, I really do.

Oh, yeah. OK, we've sorted that out. No, there won't be any complaints about derogatory remarks about Norwegians. No, it's because my mother told me I had to go there. When I was very young, she said they're the best-looking men in the world. Did she say that? Yeah. I was going to go there, but I couldn't a-fjord it.

Da-da-da-da. So, um... Sorry, Pierre. I went to... He's chivalry all over again. Oh, Joan. Chivalry, chivalry. The joke that continues to torture me. I went to a wonderful place on Saturday I went to London Comic Con

I don't think I've ever felt my brother-in-law said to me you look really happy here he says you're with your people and I really felt that I really like people who like comics and superhero movies and the like. Even manga, which I don't really know about.

Loads of people had dressed up. It was brilliant. I saw three Moon Knights. Three? Three. But two of them, I saw a Moon Knight coming towards me, and I'd just passed one. And I watched, and as the Moon Knights passed me, do you know Moon Knight coming towards me, and I'd just passed one, and I watched, and as the Moon Knights passed me...

Do you know Moon Knight? No, I was looking at you pretending I did, but to be completely frank, I have no idea what Moon Knight is. He features in a new Disney Plus series. He's a comic character of some. Wears white. Is there any other characteristics, or just the wearing of white? The name's a pun, I think, as the bloke's called something night.

I haven't seen the series myself yet, but I shall. Is it a benign figure? Well, I think it's 18, the series. He's quite crazy in the comics. He's quite violent. Yes, exactly. Anyway, as one passed the other other there was a slight acknowledgement i noticed which i loved all right all right very collegiate moon nights it reminded me as i used to have a um i used to have a the original beetle volkswagen beetle and if i ever passed another one just be

a little little way sometimes a little eee on the horn. Yes, I had that with my classic Mini. Little smile, little cross-town wave. It was like, yeah, we're in the club. Isn't it nice? Or sometimes if I met a fellow alcoholic on the night bus. I mean, that's less now. What is today?

What is the current is today? Look at the other button there for the texting. What is the current slight acknowledgement thing? Who do you see that you say, all right, we know? Yes.

I love it. Oh, I like that. There's a real sense, the whole thing, it's just a beautiful, unthreatening place. People who love what,

you know, this stuff and they'd all gone to buy comics and get um i'm going to tell you straight out i had my photo took with three doctors simultaneously oh we'll be in there i had a heart attack and the press were on me like vultures You intimated to me there'd been an outside worldiness. I did intimate that.

We have been talking about, well, you were talking about the Moon Knights acknowledging each other at Comic-Con. So some of our readers have been in touch with ways in which they acknowledge each other. According to Garp, has tweeted us to say, fellow Labrador walkers.

Oh, really? Richie Rich, other Millwall fans, a visible badge on a cap or a top. Three stages. One, clock the badge. Two, knowing nod and a thin smile. Three, move on. Now that is to do, isn't it,

there's a sense amongst Millwall fans that they are, you know, no one likes us, we don't care. And I think that increases the camaraderie between them. Joe Thomas, fellow bald man under 40, a gentle nod of compassion. No way does he do that.

No way. How would you know? I think you'd have to slightly point to the head. The gentle nod of compassion I really like. Also, as you nod, you show your qualifications.

You do, that is true. Yeah, very true. I always do. That's the trouble with these clown trousers. Well, if you ever walk down the street and Prince Edward, for example, has smiled at you, you know why. Yeah.

Maybe, I'm just saying. We've also got 814. He still writes. I drive an ex-Amazon van. I'm always getting waved and flashed by Amazon drivers. Oh. They're quite the friendly community. Of course, I've seen that.

If you're in like an Addison Lee car, you'll see another one go... But I always assume they know the person, not a general, oh, we know about working for Addison Lee. I like seeing the bus drivers acknowledge each other, particularly, you know, when they pull up at lights

and they take the window down and they'll have a little conversation. Oh, yeah, that's nice. Oh, yeah. Is it nice, Ed? I think that's nice, yeah. I almost think they're talking about us on the bus. What do you mean? Got a guy on here who, et cetera, et cetera. Got a bad one.

Yeah. I once had a terrible failure of trying to do some mutual acknowledgement where I'd had I was on the tube and I had gone to watch the Springboks play at Twickenham but I was going to a thing after the game so I had gotten changed

I couldn't show up to this thing in a rugby top so I had it in my bag and on the tube there were a South African couple still wearing their you know their uniform yeah and so i said oh uh i was at the game just now my my shirt's in my bag and the guy just looked really upset and said uh i said i had to take it off to my bag and he said why were you ashamed oh i was like no but i'm I'm filled with regret now. This wasn't when we weren't eating the fruit.

It wasn't that period. It wasn't that period. I can see why that. I'm too young for that, not to boast. No, it's all right. I'm not blaming you. Where's your gentle mode of compassion? Yeah, this guy had a chance to gently nod

and he said something bizarre and emotive. I don't get any nods of acknowledgement. What about from other comics walking down the street? I remember Helena Bonham Carter stopped me once and said, I think we're supposed to speak to each other, aren't we? Which is really nice. I was going to say, there is the celebrity thing, isn't there, presumably,

that you have the... Oh, yeah. If you don't know a celebrity, let's think of someone, Peter Jones from Dragon's Den. Yes. If you saw him in the street... Yeah.

How would you behave? I'm Peter Jones walking along. I mean, the audience can't see this. And I look up. What do you do? Yeah. And I make eye contact. I think you'd smile.

I think I'd tell him about my floating ball with a bath clog connected to stop overflowing baths. I wouldn't. And then say, 20 quid? What do you think? Hardware store over there. Let's go in and see how much it's going to cost. No, I would say hello

to him yes that is true but I mean we can't really throw out you know what celebrities do you say hello to as a general texting

no I don't think I saw Will Self me and you can do it aim till the cameras come off I saw Will Self in Paddington last night did you

I sort of thought I'd love to go up to him and compliment him but I don't think I have the vocabulary well here we go old brains over here yeah i um books are good yeah i i i wouldn't be a hundred percent certain he'd be friendly either no i was just gonna say yeah i don't the reception the reception could go one of two ways. Yes, I think that's true. I mean, I don't want to do him down.

Can I just say, 369, morning, I always acknowledge other staffy owners. Oh. OK. Thank God he spelt that right. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And a banana. Other parents of twins during the double buggy years

mutual nods of exhaustion? This is, by the way, people acknowledge each other in public. When me and my partner had a baby, we were part of what they call an NCT group, which is a fascist organisation run by hippies, which encourages women to breastfeed whether they can or not and to have natural birth regardless of all issues.

Nevertheless, it's a way of paying to make friends. And so we all had babies at the same time. We went out for our first outing. I love that you go, it's a bit strange, isn't it? It's like you've had a baby, we all had babies at the same time we went out for our first outing i love that you go it's a bit strange isn't it it's like you've had a baby we've had a baby let's be friends we've all got a baby yeah so you're the only people who aren't bored by us talking about our baby so we went out as about eight of us all took our babies to a pub funnily enough and as we were leaving a woman was coming in with um a twin thing and we spontaneously applauded. It just seemed an impossible thing to do, to have, what, twice?

Twice this? Impossible. So I can understand that acknowledgement. 778, motorcyclists always nod at each other. That's Pete from Suffolk. Do they? I can see that. I'm going to look out for that. It's quite quick. You're nodding sharpish. Yeah.

Nimble. Blimey. Anyway, let me go back to the Comic Con. So I saw some great I saw there was a raw sash. you know from Watchmen? Oh yes. Some of you will know the raw sash test.

Well I was thinking of the test. Well his name's after that, his mask has got one of those on it. So you fold a piece of paper and you open it up and say to the person, what does that look like? Some people call it the ink blot test. Do they? Okay. I think it was invented by Ross. It was.

Pierre. Yes. Okay. And so he looked great. And I thought that's one of the few. There aren't that many for the older gentleman, the Comic-Con costume. When you say he looked great, so his face was an ink blot? No, but he got all the rest.

He hadn't just got that and then trainers and a T-shirt. I was going to say, what was the clothing? He got the trench coat and the trilby and all that. He looked brilliant. I saw two examples of Team Rocket. Oh. Team Rocket, a vegetarian superhero group. Not really.

I would have swallowed that Yes They're from They're a sort of Subsidiary Of the Pokemon franchise Are they? Antiheroes

Were the antagonists In the Pokemon world Are they human Team Rocket? Yes I think I've seen That's not Ash is it? No that's not No Ash is

There was an Ash I saw an Ash Oh I thought you were right Yeah there was he's one of the main uh pokemon he's rather handsome actually oh i think he's 12 in the cartoons okay i do apologize to everyone listening i didn't know that wasn't made clear to me you were thinking of brock he looked about 40. Team Rocket are a very handsome man and a very attractive woman

and then a sort of a cat-type creature. Yes. That's like the studio. Which is beyond definition. Meowth. Yeah. But it was great to see all that. And then I saw Freddie Mercury

and I just thought, well, that's someone who's just got the outfit and thought, I mean, is that all right? Was it a good one? It was a good Freddie Mercury. Okay. Had they wandered off stars in their eyes? I don't know. He did appear through dry ice.

Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. so um one of the reasons i was at comic-con was my brother-in-law was involved in a panel you ever been to uh any panels you know when someone interviews the stars of a tv show or something of that nature. I get panel anxiety because they'll always have someone on who nobody wants to ask a question. And the interviewer often sort of skips past them a bit and I start to get really... You know, I'm the one who, when they have Q&As at the end,

I'd like to ask the assistant floor manager, when's the last time you fell over? Which is my standard question. If I can't think of any questions at all, I always ask people that. It's my chat-up line. I never had the chat-up line. But this was good. The interviewer spread it around quite well.

So that was all right. And then, well, I mean, you know what I mean. And then I made a purchase. Oh. My son was with me and he was very, there was a store which only sold Tamagotchis. now do you remember do you aware of tamagotchi tamagotchi in case you don't know is a japanese sort of electronic pet and there's one thing if you mention the word tamagotchi there's one thing that people always say can you guess what that is i think we should ask pierre because go on pierre what do they always

say the little reset button at the back for when it inevitably dies well they always mention it dying yes i mean that never there's nothing else you get you never say oh i've got myself a cavapoo you know they die when they're about 12 but tamagotchi as you said there's a little um whole thing at the back. If they do, you know, you just put a toothpick in and they spring back to life. I've said it worked with the elderly. But people always mention that, even to a small child. You know they die, don't you?

Yeah, we all do, dear. Anyway, what I needed... When you got married, you know they died. Yeah, when I got back at home because i i never had a tamagotchi i was pre-tamagotchi i had a slight slight and chalk and i thought if only there was someone you had a grandmother frank who remembered the teacher coming into the class saying girls i'm afraid there's been some very sad news. Queen Victoria has died.

Yeah, that was a shocker. Anyway, so what we needed was someone who knew about Tamagotchis. Anyway, the doorbell goes, it's Emily Dean, who took up the Tamagotchi reins. Fabulous. It had already done two poos this thing you've only been on 10 minutes i just got i got on with dysentery how did this happen is there a dysentery model um anyway it's um you have to give it but you were great m i have to say you really um i've You really... It was a lot of work. It did... I said...

I was saying to Frank, it felt like looking after Elvis. All it wanted was food and, frankly... Play with me. Drugs. And then, yeah, ask for medicine. And medicine. It was requesting medicine every five seconds.

I couldn't keep up with it. And I didn't feel it was responsible to keep giving it those dosages. No. It's a very strange thing to have in the house. It's very demanding. And I don't mean Emily. I mean the time I got it.

I'll take that. I'll take that. Yeah. And of course, the first thing my partner said was, you can't have it in your bedroom. But I mean, it needs, you know, if it wakes in the night. Anyway, apparently not long to wait. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I wish that hot dog documentary would finish. My mouth is salivating. I don't think I've ever seen a hot dog documentary. I'd like to.

Yeah? Hot documentary, they'd call it or something like that title uh john hopkins has been in touch with us hopkins years ago after my grandad died we bought my nan a tamagotchi john we bought my nan a tamagotchi. Oh, that's nice. To keep her company. You don't associate them with nans, do you? How dare you? I'm not quite a nan. John Hopkins continues,

this seems like a heartless gesture now. When I asked how it was, she told me she'd had to use its batteries for her hearing aid because she couldn't watch Columbo. Wow. Well, that's watch Columbo. Wow. Well, that's a woman with priorities. Yeah. I like the idea of Columbo investigating the death of a Tamagotchi. Oh, yeah.

One more thing. When I asked for medicine, did you... Yeah. Yeah. I didn't like the icon. My wife's a big fan. Yeah. I didn't like the icon for the medicine.

What is it? It's a needle needle a very sinister looking needle i didn't know it was into these hard drugs no i'm sorry i'm sorry you had to see that it really upset me actually i don't want to be dragged down no i don't want hypodermics on a child's time hypodermic yearning hypodermic yearning. Hypodermic yearning. In terms of nodding at each other, Paul on Twitter has made me laugh with nods of acknowledgement. My wife as we pass each other on the stairs each morning. Oh, that's fabulous. We've got in further Tamagotchi news. How are you with passing people on the stairs?

You know that thing that if you cross on the stairs, it's bad luck. You okay with that? That rarely happens. I've only got a dog at home. I'm too wide. I just let them have the stairs and wait. I was interviewing PJ Harvey this week and I asked her if she was superstitious

because her new poetry book, Orlam, has got a lot of superstition in it. And she said, no, no, I don't walk on the ladders and stuff. And I said, no, that's health and safety. I'm not counting that. And I said, I salute magpies. And she steadily sort of admitted that if she saw one magpie, she, under her breath, said, good morning, Mr. Magpie.

We've had that in from Grumpy Dad on Twitter. The noble magpie is always acknowledged, which sounds like a line from a haiku. Oh, yeah. Single magpie always gets a full salute. Sometimes I have to disguise the salute as a sort of brush of the hair. Exactly me. If there's people around, I'll pretend I've got an itch over my right eyebrow and say morning Mr Magpie.

You see, I'm so impressed that you can recognise the magpie. Oh, God, yeah. Can you? Are they just crow with white markings? Well, one of the great myths about the magpie is that it's black and white. Is it not? What colour is it then? Well, it has a beautiful flash of blue on it.

Does it? A sort of blue neck stripe thing. Is that right? Yeah. Or like on the edge of the tail. It sheens. Yes. So it's black and blue?

Well, it's black and white and blue. Oh. Yeah. Okay, I'll keep an eye out for it. Like a foul-mouthed Mother Superior. What's its physique like? Is it sort of rotund like the pigeon no that's a beautiful what's the stomach like though has it got what i call the golden barrel well of course it's

attracted to gold silver and all the shiny things that's one of its i don't know i don't want to give away uh anything give away well it doesn't it's in it's in spoiler alert magpies one of the great tv series of the last 20 years is detectorists and there's a magpie uh theme in that okay um can i i will continue i own a faz i remember being handed a tamagotchi when meeting my stepdad at the school gates i was absolutely ecstatic until he said, your guinea pig has died. And I realised the Tamagotchi was a trauma buffer. Okay.

Okay. It's interesting that Tamagotchis are being given to the bereaved in these stories, whereas all anyone ever says about Tamagotchis is that they're mortal. No wonder I've not said so many.

I'm surprised. Oh, gosh. I'm surprised Oh gosh I'm surprised it doesn't say on the box when it has those flashes on the front, it just doesn't say mortal in a star Joanne Wood Do you know Joanne Wood?

No but Thanks for the tip Ever since I've had a runner's bum bag First time marathoner I get nods from other runners They take me seriously now Ah See I walk around

Often in a Silver foil cape Eating a Mars bar. And I get the odd nod from people as well. I like Darren1908. Oh, yeah. He says, it's called Nordic walking, sir, and it's jolly good exercise. Okay. It never really occurred to me.

In Downton Abbey so I could build my upper body which let's face it is derelict land indeed by having two big sticks

very good as well for like you wouldn't be worried about muggers would you no if you'd got

two of those razor sharp babies at your fingertips it'd be a sort of three musketeers scenario yeah I don't know if I've got two of those, raise the sharp babies at your fingertips. It'd be a sort of Three Musketeers scenario. Yeah. I don't know if I've got the arm strength there to hoist one into the air when once pierced. You could use the stick to lift the chin of an insolent boy.

That is good, good, good. And I might get some litter on a day I'm feeling environmental. Oh, I like good, good, good. And I might get some litter on a day I'm feeling environmental. Oh, I like good, good, good. Is that the follow-up to more, more, more? Make a more pergo, make a more pergo. We've had a lot of people getting in touch, really thrilled when they've come across Michael Moore Pergo books now as a result of more, more, more.

It's changed their view of him forever I hope they're singing it in well Gemma Bell said I nearly spat out my tea yesterday when I noticed the author of the book my son was given for his birthday and it's called more per go the puffin keeper puffing keeper and she's just tweeted more more more in caps oh good I'd like the idea of people... Oh, here's... Can I point out something I said this week? Sure.

It shows me to be something of a buffoon. Really? You know, when you meet... I'm always, you know, I try to contribute in conversation. I'm always... You certainly do. I'm an entire mechaneffer. And I met Beth England, who is a footballer of some note Chelsea and

ironically England and there was a Mike England who played for Wales I don't know if you remember him anyway so I met Beth England quite exciting England. And I was asking her about, when I first became aware of women's football, Doncaster Bells were one of the big teams. And I said, I don't really hear of them now. And she said, I used to play for Doncaster Bells. And I said, are you from up there? And she said, I'm from Barnsley.

And I thought, I've got to have a, and I said, that is a weird coincidence. I had from Barnsley. And I thought, I've got to have a... And I said, that is a weird coincidence. I had a Barnsley chop for lunch. You didn't say that. That was my... Fran, why did you say that? What a small world, I said. Then after, I thought, what am I talking about?

I think that's really weird, Fran. I know, she must have thought, really? Imagine what would be the equivalent if you said you're from Birmingham. If she'd have come up to you and said... She said, yeah, we've got pollution where we live. The way she looked at me, I don't know, I assume she knows what a Barnsley chop is.

Maybe in Barnsley it's not a thing, they just call it a chop. It's just quite a weird thing. You know a Barnsley chop is. Maybe in Barnsley it's not a thing. They just call it a chop. It's just quite a weird thing. You know a Barnsley chop. You're looking at me confused. No, I don't. I only know because he always goes on about Barnsley chop. It's like a double.

It looks like a game. Do you game at all? Well, of course. If you can imagine a game controller, you know, the handset made of meat. I can. Keep talking. That's. It looks like, if you can imagine a game controller, you know, the handset, made of meat. I can. Yeah. Keep talking.

That's what it looks like. Lady Gaga. If they ever bring out a game where the controller is made of meat. Yeah, they won't. I'll be one of those people camping out, like for a royal wedding. Exactly. Before it goes on the turn. I've only got three days.

But honestly, what a small world I had a Barnsley chop for lunch this morning. Oh, thank you. I'm so embarrassed. I know. I hope you don't see her again.

Imagine what she's telling people about you. You know, it's one of those things that when I look back on it, I can actually make my cheeks get a bit red just thinking about it. If it gets cold in here, I might be glad to that. Oh, by the way, I need to tell you boys about my night out.

It doesn't happen that often. And it did this week. Oh, yes. I should say I didn't make the party of the year this year, the Jonathan Ross's party. I'll tell you something, though, in my house, is that the trick-or-treaters didn't use up the whole sweet bucket. Uh-oh.

So the sweet bucket now is by the door. I have neither left nor entered the house without having a lolly some Palmer violence refreshers I mean it's killing me did you get a lot of custom on the night you're yes and listen there's the polite ones who take one and say and then there's the polite ones who take one and then there's the handful, children. The grabbers. Hmm. I don't like the grabbers.

No, I don't like the grabbers. But you did go to the party of the year. I went to the Halloween party. Oh. How do you feel, by the way, Frank? I wanted to establish. How are you on Halloween? Just in terms of your belief and things.

Well, I'm okay with Halloween. Okay, good. The following day is All Saints Day, so it's a holy day of obligation in the Catholic Church. So I like going to church when there's discarded sweets on the floor and stuff like that. And yeah, I don't have a problem with it at all. Okay. the floor and stuff and yeah I don't have a problem with it at all because it's what I like about it is I think it's taken some of the shine off the 5th of November which of course is a celebration of oppression absolute radio yes you asked well you asked A few words on costumes.

David Baddiel. Every year, this year he came in a red jumpsuit. Now, I may have got this wrong. I feel every year, well, I don't know. This is a thing. Every year, I feel he comes in something. To him, that is an exotic. I feel, David, our dear friend,

but he does come in some sort of jumpsuit every year. And I feel what it is that we've all just accepted it's a costume, when really it's just a vague gesture towards the concept of a costume. Is it a costume? I have to defend him. He did come as Casper the Friendly Ghost. But that was a white jumpsuit. No, but he had the big white head with the giant forehead.

I mean, I adore the man. Was that a mirror I saw? What I want to know is, has he just got a rail, like a stylist's rail, with jumpsuits in every colour of the rainbow that he just wheels out every year? No, but when you sent him one of your comments, what was the answer? I didn't feel I could ask, because I feel he wears the jumpsuit with such confidence that I should know what it is.

I saw his post on Instagram. I know what he came as. Okay. He's one of the henchmen from Squid Game. Okay. Oh, well. He did have the mask on in one of the pictures, but he clearly abandoned it. I thought that was a bowler hat.

Oh, he had it on his head? Yes, there you go. He pushed it up like sunglasses. Okay. Yeah, I haven't seen Squid Games. Okay. So I don't know. Okay.

You have, I presume, Emily. It's your kind of thing. I have, but I didn't go... I went as... Well, Frank, you know what I went as, because you urged me to. You went as Coraline, which I think is... The other mother from Coraline I went as. you urged me to. You went as Coraline, which I think is... The other mother from Coraline I went as.

The other mother. Yes, as they say in the hip-hop community. But you look great. It's good to look glam and terrifying, I think, at the same time. Well, that's what I was going... But then I found out she has button eyes. Well, of course.

And I didn't want to have cosmetic surgery. No. Not for that, anyway. No, I don't mind a popper. I don't mind poppers on the eyelids. Yeah, go on. Or press studs, as we used to call them. I'm going to have to go.

No, the producer's making us go. The producer is being, I mean, borderline abusive. So let's go. We'll come back. We are coming back. We're not just going. I should say, we were discussing the Halloween party. Did you see some of the costumes?

There were some good ones. I saw yours because you sent it to me. Saying, isn't this brilliant? Yeah, I did. I said, I look great. You did look great. Jonathan Ross, great costume. Oh, that was a great costume.

Babadook. Are you familiar with the Babadook? I think he'd find that very scary. Is he Babadook? Yeah, he's Babadook. Frank won't watch that. I didn't recognise him as Babadook. I thought he was someone else.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Babadook is a film. It's a sort of monster in the basement film. Okay. He wears a sort of... Is the theme tune, Monster in the basement, I know, I know.

No. Okay. He has a top hat and sort of grizzly teeth. I think I've got a T-shirt that says monster in the basement. From my super lad days. The arrow's worn off a bit now though hasn't it i thought the arrow was a bit too much there was a terrible incident though which i was responsible for oh okay i like it so far this story yeah in fact you're thinking father's story yeah in fact you're thinking more more more i am

so very tempted to do that come on let's see if i can find i never i don't know if they move about these things like i never find the damn uh okay i'll set you up frank how do you feel about what i like about this is why the producer has rushed to my aid. Oh, here she is. I'm going to set you up, Frank. How do you feel about me telling a story in which I am the villain of the piece? I'll be... Make a more pergo, make a more pergo. Make a more pergo, make a more pergo. Oh, the remix. I love the remix.

I've never been into the second line before. It feels good. It was so... Do you know, that took open courage. Yeah. You went then. I like that. Anyway, I'm at the party and I was hungry

because I don't drink alcohol these days. So I need my food, Frank. You know the feeling. I was standing with Adam Kay, the comedian, and author of This Is Going To Hurt, a friend of both of us. And doctor. And doctor.

So many strings to his bow. We were both hungry. And a top man, I might say. Lovely man. Although, equally, similar to David Baddiel, a bit sketchy on the Halloween costume front. You'd think he'd be all right. Scrubs at the fingertips.

Most, I find, Halloween parties, I'd say, 20% of the costumes are scrubs based. Yes. Bit of blood.

Yeah. Stethoscope, you're done. Well, Adam McKay had a black shirt on. Black trousers. Okay. What did he go as? An East European puppeteer. Black Hay had a black shirt on and black trousers. OK.

What did he go as, an East European puppeteer? There isn't enough of that, I don't think. No, sir. Oh, the producers had to... Oh, what's happened today? Time, Tempest, fugitive. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. Absolute radio. I'll just finish telling you about the Halloween party, my incident. I was with Adam Kay, as we've established. He was wearing a black shirt, beautiful shirt and trousers. Just didn't know. Perhaps he'd had a mask with it he'd abandoned, just didn't know. Perhaps he'd had a mask with it he'd abandoned. I don't know.

But when I saw him, he just had a black shirt and black trousers on. Okay. As you say, a bit Eastern European. You're sure he wasn't catering there? Well, here's where the incident comes in. Okay. Because, Frank, I went over to get some food. They were distributing it, servers, but it wasn't getting to us.

So I took matters into my own hands and I said, I'm going to go over to the pass and collect the food myself and bring it over. Adam said, I'll come with you. Because Adam, you know, being a doctor type... And you said, who said that? Because it was getting dark he wasn't clearly visible well we grabbed a tray and I love that about Adam he's a very decisive type he said yes let's do this if you're in the medical business you can't

you can't faff he doesn't faff sounds faff found a tray. We piled up the tray with food. We had hungry people back there. Must have been at least, I'd say, between nine to eleven bowls. So let's call it ten. Wow, that's quite a step, isn't it, to take over the job of the caterer. It's quite a tray. We climbed on the tray. Yeah, a big tray.

We were carrying it over. I said, I'll take it. He said, no, no, no, very gentlemanly, I'll take it. Of course, back to your point, Frank, what Adam had failed to remember is that he was wearing a black shirt and black trousers and carrying a tray with ten bowls on it. The first hand descended about half a second in.

Of course. I battered it off. Another hand came, another hand. There were about 15 hands. People fell upon us. I said, no, stop, no, no, it's our food. No, I can hear you. No!

I said, please leave it, please. It's our food, we've queued. It's our food. These people would not... And also it was horror characters descending on the food. So it was not a great moment. Oh, it sounds awful. This is so Nax Britain.

Blood-soaked zombies grabbing your crisps of food. Blood-soaked zombies were grabbing my pulled pork. And at one point... Well... Adam looked panicky. He realised, oh dear dear what have I done I got so desperate at pushing the people away

they wouldn't listen so for some reason I just shouted I started I changed tack and I started saying he is not a waiter he is not a waiter

which sounded a bit hot yes he is a free man at one point I said He is a free man! At one point I said, he is a guest. Oh, that's great. I love being verbally defined as I

walk across the room. I was shouting, he is a guest as you walked across the room. I can see the mistake now that this could have occurred. I mean, there was one point, the final man, there was a man in some sort of gold lame jumpsuit who followed me and Adam to the bitter end.

He would not give up. Even he's a guest didn't put him off. And eventually we had to sort of say to him, I had to take him and say, this is our food. We've waited a long time to get it. He was still trying to grab it. Oh, wow. So don't wear black.

No. At a party, if you're going to be carrying a tray of pulled pork and pasta across the room. Yeah, but who'd know that in advance? That's where this all falls down as advice. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can

text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. And you know what? You can also email the show via frankatabsoluteradio.co.uk and that's free. Yeah? Okay. Outside rankatabsoluteradio.co.uk, and that's free. Yeah? Mm. OK.

Outside... We've had a few! OK. Outside tweets... Outside world tweets, we've had a few. But not too few to mention, I hope. Do you know, that puts me off people a bit. What?

When their song... I mean, it's late to be put off them, but if they choose us, let's call it their final song my way i told you my my way embarrassment didn't i i know i an ex girlfriend and i went to see robbie williams live at some big arena gig and he sang my way and I said to her come on I love Robbie he's got a great voice but he can't be doing my way that's ridiculous

and at the end he said I'd like to dedicate that to Frank Skinner that was in the audience that night I thought you felt such a git I felt a git beyond git

did you post git oh I like git plus I like beyond Git. Could that be your new autobiography? No, I don't think I've ever truly got beyond it.

Yes. So, und, und, as they say in Germany. Well, speaking of trick-or-treating and your bird, your new bird and Frank. I thought you were going to say your new bird your new burden frank your your i thought you're gonna say your new bird i thought it was going to be a bit 90s i was going to say i can't say that the bowl of sweets by the front door are they still there well some of them are i've eaten

most of them it's like it's like the holy water bowl when you go in and out of church have you got any of the lipsticks? What are they? I said a grandfather clock ticking. Sorry, I was just kicking the lower section of my stool. Don't do that. It does lend a drawing room atmosphere to the radio show. I like that. It sounds like someone's about to say, come.

Pierre always performs in a velvet jacket, of course, if you're aware of that. It's the sort of noise you'd expect... Oh, he collects the bits. It's the sort of noise you'd expect to hear in the drawing room of the gentleman who said to my father, hello, notice me things. Yes.

OK? Oh, so helpful. I do apologise. Pierre was talking and I interrupted. As a sweet aficionado,

Frank, did you see the news that there will be, this Christmas, no bounties in the celebrations? Well, I'll tell

you something about this, is that there was a lot of bounties in the trick or treat this year year when I walk past that bowl it's like walking past a 1980s version of the body shop the smell of coconut coming from me and yeah so and I had a bounty out of the bowl and it was you know when um i think that's really annoying i'm sorry i'm

i don't know where to put my face yeah but you've got some dave allen affair going on around here yeah anyway so um i forgot what i was saying you were talking about the bounty oh yeah so i had a bad i had a bounty out of the trick-or-treat bowl and you know when chocolate, I believe the term is oxidizes. It's got that. It's not got the white bits. Yeah, it's gone. It's gone sort of grey on the outside. So that is, I think,

someone has had those, well, let's get rid of those bounties. So I did wonder then, if there's an anti-bounty thing. But I was shocked I mean everyone's saying well you know this is just a publicity stunt and everyone's talking about

it and that's great for them well I mean like celebrations need advertising and also my advertising for them is I shall never buy celebrations again and I urge you all to join me in that boycott.

Because I think it was Mark Twain who said whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. And this idea that people don't like... Who? Who are these

people who don't like bounty? Well, they're saying it's young people. Oh. So it's now... They're going to have another seven flavours they can have. But it's now got to the stage. What about Grandma? I'll be all right.

It's now got to the stage. You can't even dig your hand in for a chocolate treat without someone saying okay boomer just because of the chocolate you've chosen that's what they say to us fine i think it's the worst if it is a marketing trick which obviously is it's the worst marketing decision since we were introduced to the man behind the go compare opera singer. And he's now in the advert. What, we want to see behind the scenes of the Go Compare man? No. No, we don't want the making of Go Compare.

Thanks very much. It's apocalypse now. Oh, it's the worst idea. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about the bounty, Frank. Yes. Oh, it's the worst idea. We're talking about the bounty, Frank. Yes. And they are saying 39% of people wanted them banished. Hence the trial removal.

I don't like the trial. I keep referring to it as the trial, like some sinister Kafka experiment. Can I remind you when 48% of people wanted to remain in the EU? Yeah. Of course that didn't happen because 52, in other words, 52% of the people that voted wanted to leave. That was that. 39%?

When did that win? What is it? Well, exactly. GCSEs? I think 40% is surpassed. I didn't even make a GCSE pass. CSE grade two is what 39% is. And now they're going to act on that by removing the bounties.

I'm unhappy about it. I like bounties. Justice for the 60%, Frank. I'm a fan of bounties, I have to say. Are you? Okay, boomer. Yeah. Frank, that's good news.

That's good news that Pierre likes the bounty. I'm a man out of time. Look, first they came for the lime barrels and I did not speak out. And now it's the bounties. I tried to... This will come as no surprise to you, Frank, having spent so much time in a car with me.

I immediately researched the bounty. Of course you did. Did you come across the verb... Or is it an adjective? Enrobed. That is absolutely what I was about to bring up. Yes. Hang on.

So the chocolate casing, do they use the term enrobed? I've seen it used for other bars. Oh. Really? Enrobedment is a chocolatey jargon. It's quite papal. It is?

It's quite papal. I was going to say, they're an inch away from saying it has chocolate raiment. It is, yeah. I wish they'd said that. There are a whole host of words in the chocolate world I've never really...

You know when you read the menu on a box of chocolates I've always thought how safe do you have to be in life to read the menu of a box? Just have a chop. If you don't like it, spit it out. How wrong can it go?

People say, oh, I'm not sure. And it's still funny. We don't know what they are anyway. Oh, yeah, I'm making a decision based on it being Montelimar. What is it? What is that? What's Pryline? That's fine.

Fondant. That's why I favour the roses. Oh. I know they're a bit 1970s pensioner, but hear me out, because... That's my catchment area. I find them more descriptive. That's where you get Golden Barrel and such like.

And Hazelnut Swirl and things like that. Zillion Darkness they have as well. They ditched my favourite as well. Did they? What was your favourite? Which was the purple one that had like a... It's a big... It's purple wrapper. And it had...

Inside, it had a texture on the surface. It wasn't enrobed. It was... It was like a shell. And it had a knot in it. That made me sick. How can you, why would you want to come across that? Look, there are some people in my life,

and I thought of this when I was at Comic-Con, we're outsiders. We don't follow the herd. We have individual tastes. And the idea that that be eradicated, at an age where we celebrate difference, the bounty is going to be removed because 39% don't like it. Everything is wrong about it.

I, like I say, I will never buy these again. You'll never buy these again? I won't. This is it for me. Some of the ones that's got through, like Twix, Twix Remains, Bounty Girls and Twix. It's a biscuit. It's a biscuit posing. What about Malteser Teaser?

That makes me ill. I don't mind the Malteser Teaser. No, it's Malteser Tea. What? Do you understand what that is? Yes. Okay. I know my way.

Strangest argument we've ever had. I know my way around the celebrations. I like a Malteser. I don't mind the celebrations i like a maltese i don't mind the twix do you know why i don't i don't mind the twigs i think the twigs is rubbish basically i agree i think it's this i think it's deliberate it's giving two fingers to the public uh in a very real way um sneakers but my view all right but what i what i don't think there's eight varieties so when i get them i think well i won't have those i'll have these i don't think i don't like those so i want those to not be in the box anymore because i don't like them what kind of attitude is that yeah a bit

gittish maybe i mean look at the TV ratings. Look at how many good programmes are in the top ten. And then look back at the 39%. Think again. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. The celebrations font. Yes. I thought, perhaps erroneously,

I thought that it was made up of sections of the font from its constituent bars. Oh. In which case, if they exclude bounty... Oh. In which case, if they exclude bounty... So you mean with the lettering, it's a little bit of galaxy in my life? I think there's like a letter R from the Mars bar or stuff like that.

I think that's right. Is that right? So if they get rid of bounty, they'll have to be Seligrations. Well, if they're not... With a G from galaxy. Yeah. In fact, the N might have to...

It's going to be, by the N, perilously close to Celeriac. Who's going to buy that? Celeriac, anyone? Every Christmas season. No, I think that... Correct me, someone out there... Our listeners, our readers, as I like to call them, know basically everything between them.

But I've always looked... Because the font doesn't make any sense unless it's a composite. Do you know what I mean? It's all over the place, the font. So it must be, if there are any experts in codecology listening. I'm always quite disappointed when the celebrations come out. In general, really. Oh, yeah?

But I find, yeah, I just always feel when that tub comes out, couldn't you Oh, yeah? But I find, yeah, I just always feel when that tub comes out, couldn't you go Heroes? I mean, they're out of the four. Hmm. Really. What are the four? Well, the big four. Yeah.

I know about this. Thanks, Safari. Miniature Heroes. Heroes, Quality Street, Roses, Celebrations. Yeah. That's what I would go. That would be my big four. Okay.

I think that's right. Would you agree with that? I'd sort of forgotten. I don't think of any others what I would go. That would be my big four. Okay. I think that's right. Would you agree with that? I'd sort of forgotten. I don't think of any others. I'd forgotten about roses and Quality Street, to be honest. I weren't even sure

they still existed. Yes, how dare you? Lovely purple tin. Steve Burgess tweets in, enjoying this scrutiny on the bounty. Oh, very, very fine work. Really excellent.

I used to live around the corner from the grave of Captain Bligh, who was the captain of the bounty. Yes. Yeah? He was a guy like the Tamagotchi, known only for death. He was only known for losing authority. Where was this? Is it in the South Seas?

No, no, it was Lambeth. OK. It's actually in the graveyard of the Gardner Museum, which is immediately next to Lambeth Palace. Ah. Quite a few Manxmen

on board the bounty who mutinied. One of them they caught because he had a Manx three legs tattooed. That's not people from Manchester. No, M-A-N-X.

People who don't have tails. Yes. Yes. Many of you will know that Pierre is Pierre de Bréguen, but he spent a lot of his childhood

in the Isle of Man. Yes. So he loves a Manx reference. He's very well travelled. Both places. Those are the two places. He's very well travelled. Both places. Those are the two places. It's a great combo. I'd like to know what your average psychoanalyst

would make of those two places. What do you think? Well, I don't know. I'll let you know. This is not something I want to rush into. So, we're discussing all sorts of things this morning, Frank. Bit of bounty. Nordic walking sticks, remember them?

Oh yes, of course. There's sort of what I thought of as ski sticks that one sees people walking on dry land with yeah what's the is there any news on those any updates we've had a few i mean someone used them i'm just deciding whether it's okay to someone used them in a sort of vigilante capacity okay i don't know if we generally we should generally but it was a celebrate i won't go into it because we obviously absolute radio does not I don't know if we generally... I don't know if we should generally... Celebrate vigilante law. I won't go into it, because we obviously, Absolute Radio, does not endorse any of that kind of behaviour.

It's a very fine line, isn't it, between vigilante and have-a-go hero. But I would say this came into the... Have-a-go heroes, that'll be a good chocolate selection. See, no one says about have-a-go heroes they died, we like to do about Tamagotchis. Anyway, sorry, Carrie. They should.

They should market those specially. Have-a-go, comma, heroes. You want to have a go here? Oh, I wouldn't mind one of those. It's a slightly riskier selection. Have you got the approaches, hooded dudes, after dark? That's my favourite. Sweet.

Well, that's essentially what happened here with an elderly man. And let's just say he came out victorious. Well, because of his ski sticks. And we'll just say, I mean, there was no one who was sort of harmed

beyond repair. No. But I think they got a fright, those lads. And let's just say Juliet says Nordic walking sticks rock. Yeah.

For that reason. Well, that's, they're taking on a sort of sword stick feel, it seems to me. It's all going to be Adam Adamant. Marianne from Staffordshire. That's where you're from, dear Frank. I used to be, because West Bromwich used to be in Staffordshire, and then it suddenly was in the West Midlands when they changed all the boundaries.

OK. I didn't feel a moment of movement. Did you not? No. OK. Hello, Frank, Emily and Pierre. When I first met my husband, his Lambretta was our only mode of transport. Mmm, romantic.

Isn't it? Who's her husband? Phil Daniels? Yeah, that's nice, though. Other scooter drivers would always wave. Bikers, I'm afraid, would usually use a hand sink. Yeah, I bet. OK.

I've always driven a proper Mini. Marianne's put that in. Does she mean the original Mini? Quite rare now. Yes, that's what I had for a while, Frank, you remember. What you want is a racing green. But are the Mini drivers wave or flashlights? We'd often do that to each other, yes.

I love it. I think it's a really sweet thing. I've got to find something I have in common with... If only gits were instantly recognisable. But maybe we can work on that with some sort of headdress Mig has got in touch we've been talking this morning Mig?

No Mig M-I-G we've been talking that was a member of Curiosity called the cat was called Mig only other Mig I've ever heard of killed the cat I think what did i say cured called called i'm sorry curiosity called

the cat hello mig says hello this is curiosity who how did you get this? Go on. Oh dear. Slightly haughty cat. They are haughty. They're very haughty but I like that about them. Mig says, didn't the RAC salute other RAC members when driving past? Was that traditionally? That was

something I'd heard of as well. Oh, I didn't know that. That's nice. I hope they do that. See, one associates the AA with niceness. Turns out. Because remember, it was a very nice man when the AA bloke came. Do you remember that? Looking at me like

he's gone. It's finally happened. People are saying, Ruth Jordan, one of our regulars, the bounty goes, but the twix remains. It's finally happened. Yeah. People are saying, Ruth Jordan, one of our regulars, the bounty goes, but the twix remains. It's a biscuit, a cry of injustice that will live with me forever. Exactly. Also, I've noticed,

and this is something I hate, I wish major iconic companies wouldn't amalgamate with other companies. So you get names like, this is now Mars Wrigley. Oh, I don't like that. If you're going to do that,

you've got to be called the Mars Wrigley Bar from now on as far as I'm concerned. So people are thinking, oh, I'm not sure about the new Mars Wrigley Bar.

It's got a bit like a chewing gum element. A bit of spearmint. Chewy mint in there. Yeah. I don't like that at all. Although the next time I stay in a hotel incognito, I will call myself

Mars Wrigley the third I was going to say, Mars Wrigley is the sort of name that the grandchild of the Wrigley dynasty would have you don't get thirds at that anymore do you, they've seemed to have gone no, it was Lowden Wainwright the third the singer, it'sainwright the third the singer

it's very American the third oh it really is very strange what was the George Hamilton the fourth was the

Contour Westerns they're all singers it's normally troubled billionaires is it in favour of the first, second, third if anyone

because it takes three generations I believe or is it two to lose a fortune three just bear in mind everyone oh okay because it's three yeah as I believe, or is it two, to lose a fortune? Three. Just bear in mind, everyone. Oh, okay.

Because it's three, yeah. As we near the end of the show, for next week, if anyone can think of any current numbered individuals, any of the seconds or the thirds, I don't mean like Charles III. No. I mean with surname and then, like Loudon, Wainwright III. It feels like it's died out. Because they do have

sometimes the alternative is the junior the robert down the approach but we prefer we talked about juniors the other week and there's more of those but the thirds and stuff they are um can i say finally uh acknowledging each other kev says football fans whose teams have been managed by Steve Bruce. Oh. Yes, I can understand what that acknowledgement would be. That's like when you pass someone in a hospital ward. Okay. God bless him. I'm sure he's a smashing chap.

But I never want to see him at the Albion. Ever. Ever. Okay. Ever. Again. but I never want to see him at the Albion, ever, ever, ever again. Anyway, look, if the good Lord spares us, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio.