The Frank Skinner Show - Norton Canes

Episode Date: October 9, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to Blackpool and visited the comedy carpet. The team also discuss wearing dressing gowns at the school gate, a virtual bonfire and retail intruders.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Radio website. I have to say the message every week about who you are to text the show and all that stuff. And the other night, I watched a programme about the history of diagrams.

I think we all like a diagram. Quite light, wasn't it? Yeah, well, the first one was great. It was like Leonardo's Vitruvian Man You know, the outstretched guy So that was great And then the next one He's one of my weird crushes

Leonardo, the Vitruvian Man Yeah, he's a good looking lad Absolute stunner He's got that hair a bit like side bottom he used to bowl for England. Anyway, so and then the second one was

Nicholas Copernicus diagram of the universe. So he said it starts off, you know, Nicholas Copernicus who did this diagram putting the sun at the middle of the universe instead of the earth which caused it was a very dangerous thing to do at the time and then you had a shot of it and says there it is with the sun in the middle

and instead of the earth very dangerous that was very risky then it come to him again and he said so nicholas they're now going to um rebury um nicholas copernicus copernicus his body he was the man of course who put the um sun at the center and i thought if you say again that he put the sun at the center of the thing instead of the earth and it was dangerous i'm switching it off now and the very next thing he said so here is the diagram and you can see there's the sun at the centre of the universe. And I thought, that's it. This bloke, he hasn't got a script,

he's got a caption. And he's just going to say it over and over again for half an hour. I could not believe it. It's a novel twist on the there are too many repeats on TV. How would he get on an absolute with a no-repeat guarantee? It'd be an absolute nightmare. It'd be unemployable.

It's like somebody bought me Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. Why did they do that? Well, because they obviously thought I was a bloke who lived too much in the future. Yeah. So I had a space suit on at the time in a bit of bob so they can't tallies thing is don't worry about what's happened don't worry about what's going to happen just enjoy the moment it's it's essentially it would work as graffiti but it's like a hundred page book and it's the same thing, just stretching it out. You see, I would say you

are more someone, Frank, who does live in the future, so that you work in the present to enjoy the future. Thanks. I think the power of now has caused some of the highly suggestible people to become

unfaithful and ruin their lives. I think there may be an argument that the power of now may not be the thing that you want to prioritise all the time. No because do not think of anything that's going to happen in the future at all. Yes, live a consequence free existence. I've never felt more guilty using a bookmark

Anyway so I'd advise people to watch that um copernicus episode two of the history of diagrams and just um see because you think oh he's exaggerating for comic effect no no sir no but no sir he just keeps saying it over and over again, like he's got some terrible nervous tick thing. Oh! Oh! Just the thought of it. We've heard from Mr P. Oh, yeah.

And he's got in touch to say, I just like the way he describes you. OK. I saw a bucket list performer last night at Frank on the Radio. He did not disappoint. Ahoy. Oh, ahoy oh ahoy yes but i like that you're a bucket list performer isn't this wonderful ahoy was um the sort of audience's catchphrase at plymouth sort of all fits we've got a lot of our plymouth uh contingent are getting in touch, saying you're on top form, apparently.

Well, that's very nice of them. It's kind of a very surprising place, Plymouth, a place of sort of striking architecture and modern buildings and things like that and other stuff happening. I just thought there's a big secret development going on that Plymouth's going to become the new capital. I wrote a poem about Plymouth when I was a child. Did you really? You wrote a poem about Plymouth?

I don't suppose you're going to call it... I'll tell you what, as a cliffhanger, we're just going to give Emily a chance to consult her archive. I mean, what a start to the day that would be. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, so we were talking about that I played Plymouth this week. And Emily Dean, who saw this coming, dropped the bombshell. I wrote a poem about Plymouth when I was at school.

What was the context? Had you been to Plymouth? Yeah, we'd visited for a family holiday. We'd actually been to the Isle of Wight. Does that sound right? I think we would have got a ferry to Plymouth. That was involved somewhere, wherever we were going. I don't know.

I believe so. Al, any ideas? OK. Well, I just thought when Emily said, we'd been to the Isle of Wight, does that sound right, that that may be an excerpt from the poem. Oh, I see. Al, I have to say, it's a big philosophical question, isn't it?

We've been to the Isle of Wight, does that sound right? The word right, then, is doing a lot of ambiguity work. I mean, I fear we're raising the bar somewhat high at this point. OK, OK. I would like a few caveats. I was pretty young at the time. I would say seven or eight were talking, so this isn't my finest work. Look, this is not Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast.

I'm not going to tear it apart. Can you imagine? Oh, I'd like to guest on it and discuss my Plymouth. Oh, fabulous. This week on Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast. If it's bad, I'll put you on the nautical step. Oh, wonderful exchange. And relax.

So, just all I can remember is the payoff, essentially. What do you call that, Frank? The last three lines, this is. I call it the last three lines. Oh, good, OK. The denouement. The denouement. All I can remember is that bit.

I should say, I was a bit upset about Plymouth. I think it's a lovely place, but I seem to recall at the time I was itching to get to the beach, and I was disappointed because it didn't seem very beach-like and it didn't seem where I'd want to holiday. I seem to remember one of the pilgrim fathers wrote right in there about their departure. That they were hoping for an hour on the beach before they set off to the Americas, but it wasn't as good as they thought. So I can only remember the last three lines, and this is how it went. Too many cars, too many bars.

I'd hate to live in Plymouth. So I do apologise to anyone living in Plymouth. Yeah, I mean, too many bars. That's just going to get people flocking. Isn't it? Yeah. I do apologise. I actually stopped at a place called Yarkham,

which is outside of Plymouth. Well, I mean, an hour out of Plymouth. And I was... We were at a B&B. And my tour manager is very keen on not checking me into places as Frank Skinner in case we have any strange people turning up. It's happened before, let's face it. So, and sometimes I don't bring them with me.

They come of their own accord. And the previous week we'd been doing a bit of motorway driving. Anyway, it turned out that I was checked in to the hotel when I arrived. I was given my keys in an envelope and it said on it, Mr Norton Caines. And Norton Caines is the services on the M6 toll. I like to be called Miss South Mims. Yeah, that's

quite nice. Miss S Mims. Oh, Frank, I know where we were going. It wasn't the Isle of Wight. It was Joan Bakewell's house in Cornwall. Oh. And... Okay. Someone has just said Isle of Wight might be Portsmouth. Morning

All. Isle of Wight has a ferry from Portsmouth. Plymouth has a ferry to France or Cornwall. You've done that terrible thing of mixing up Portsmouth and Plymouth. I know. It's the unforgivable. I know but Johnny66 has sorted us out. They'll go for it. Yeah. They don't care. They've got all these new buildings coming. They've got stuff to look forward to.

That would be great. You know, when my breakfast came out the next morning, he said, Norton, for me to go out and get it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Emily. That's what they do on Radio 4. That's what they do on Radio 4 that's what they do on That's Live in 1984 Alan were you about to say something

I was about to say I feel like we need to clear up your faux pas if I may say we're having a lot of texts and I believe tweets similar to this from 462 who says

Hi Emily, I mix up Portsmouth and Plymouth too I didn't mix it up Would you like to defend your position there? I don't need to defend it, I didn't mix it up No I don't think you did Can I just say, I would like to make an official statement Frank I'm standing outside my country estate.

And has your wife agreed to stand by you? My wife and children. We've even bought a Labrador for the day. OK. No, I would like to... I categorically deny... It's the name, it's the name. Are you going to resign?

Are you going to resign? No further questions at this time. No, I did not mix up i repeat i did not mix up portsmouth and plymouth no okay i referred i did i will concede i got my uh destination wrong i'm we were travelling to Cornwall. We were not travelling to the Isle of Wight. I do apologise on behalf of my partner, my family. I think you've cleared that up. Thank you.

I've made a terrible mistake. I think 462 is bantering with you here. Yes. Hi, Emily. I mix up Portsmouth and Plymouth too when I do my football accumulator bets that's what I blame my losses on when one of them two occasionally blows my bet out

I always think I meant to back the other one see Darren is sort of being bantery it's a good way of getting through life that thing about it was a mistake, not a bad decision and having read um some some criticism of emily i now feel compelled to read a message even though it somewhat breaks our not reading out praise on the show rule yeah um our 021 has texted i saw frank on sunday at the grand

theater in blackpool and was crying with laughter from start to finish. Can I say, can I just stop you there? I like that you've balanced the criticism of Emily with the prize of me. Oh, you like that, do you? I'm sure you do. Love it, love it is the word I'm asking. It's worked out very well for you. It does, it's perfect.

That's the whole MO of the show. I realised that I first saw him live there when I was 16, and I'm 45 years old. Oh, my goodness. I've seen him other places in between, they add in brackets. That's nearly 30 years of me telling people he's the best stand-up. Sorry for the praise. There you go.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. That is, I mean, the best stand-up. Come on. Oh, I love it. Anyway, is that the... I think the fact that they apologise for the praise after saying 30 years of telling people. No, no, it's very nice. It's mucho apreciatum.

It was a cracking night also in Blackpool. I tell you what, you know they've got, are you aware of this Al, the comedy carpet? I am aware of the comedy carpet. In Blackpool. Do you know this Al?

No. There is a large, I don't know what it, it's a sort of flooring and it's a large section of the front at Blackpool and it's the comedy carpet and so it's a sort of flooring and it's a large section of the front at Blackpool. And it's the comedy carpet. And so it's a lot of jokes.

You can walk around and read the jokes from way back. Sort of the history of British comedy. You know what we're asking now. Well, interestingly, I was standing looking at this carpet and a bloke went past and shouted, you're looking for yourself, Frank. Which, of course, was exactly what I was doing. Quite a philosophical question, really, again. Exactly.

Are you looking for yourself? What about if I said, in a way, we are all looking for ourselves. Anyway, I've got to get on. No, no, no, but I haven't finished yet. Yeah, I'm on there. And tragically, my tour manager took a photograph of me taking a photograph of my own name on there. So I might put that on our social media

as a warning to all of the dangers of the ego, I'm going to call it. Memento mori. Yeah, exactly. A man photographs his own name on comedy carpet. Oh, come on. Grow up. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, Dr. Troy Astarte, do you remember him? He's one of our regulars. Says, my service station name would be Skelton Lake. I don't know, that's a good name, though. I think I'd want to be Dr Skelton Lake. Oh, yeah. Whereas Norton Cain's, I was just the man in the street. Actually, on the street, I suppose, in a way.

You were discussing the Blackpool Comedy Carpet and I must admit that my name is on there but I wasn't of enough prestige to get a jerk on there. But I have a photograph of myself pointing at my own name. Yeah, I think it's fair. There must be every comic that goes there must must go and have a look at themselves even if they you know I'm being upfront about it for goodness yeah so I went I was playing at the Grand Theatre in Blackpool which is a lovely old it's a match of you know that? do you know Matthew Matthew was the great sort of musical

architect oh so it's one of his and we were looking at this got a very ornate ceiling with all these

great these faces of like Shakespeare and Verdi and stuff all the people like

great centre pieces of theatre and music and I said is Jimmy Armfield up there? Now, it was a Blackpool-themed joke, and Jimmy Armfield used to be the captain of Blackpool. He's probably one of the most famous Blackpool players in the top three or four ever.

And they said, no, he's in the box office. Well, he's no longer with us, Jimmy Armfield. So it turned out they've got the waxwork of Jimmy Armfield from, I don't know if you know in Blackpool, there is a Louis Tussauds, not Madame. Louis Tussauds was sort of the Jamie Morrie to her Andy Morrie. And he went off and did his own, I think he was a grandson or nephew or something, and he went off and did his own waxworks. The one in Blackpool, when I went in my youth first there,

was a very, very poor waxworks indeed. I mean, it really could have been anyone. It may well have improved. I don't want to stop anyone from going, though I'd say the reasons for going in those days were strong because you did go in there and think oh my goodness muhammad holly um but jimmy so i said well can i have a look at uh jimmy and they've sat him in this little booth halfway up the stairs so it used to be a sort of ticket booth and they've

put him in the uniform of the Grand Theatre. Oh, they have, haven't they? And it's old Jimmy Armfield. It's not Jimmy Armfield, the dashing Blackpool and England right back. Oh, dear. It's old, Jimmy, and it's terrifying. You know, those waxworks close up. It really, he looks... looks do you remember they used to

think of madam too so which i i'm told uh i asked someone about this recently that they've stopped doing it they used to have um murderers and like serial killers and stuff and they used to put them in their own clothes so they would get a suit um from John Reginald Christie, for example, and put the waxwork in the actual suit of the murderer just for a bit more frisson. Nice bit of attention to detail. Yeah, I think they've stopped now using the sort of killer... Less attention to detail.

Sort of killer coiffeur. Anyway, they've stopped that. But I'll tell you what, I'll also put a picture of Jimmy Hart. I mean, it was a frightening... I mean, in my opinion, a right-back should be many things, but not sinister. You don't get sinister right-backs. They are solid citizens of the football world,

you know what I mean? Obviously, he's a fairly solid citizen. There might have been a bit of giving him in the hot snap we had back in August. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. So I decided to go, if I'm in Blackpool, I've got to get rock, you know. So I went to get my son a stick of Blackpool rock and I haven't I haven't bought rock for a long time what would you say was the default flavor for

rock oh that's the the pink with the white middle that's the color but what's the flavor of that would you say say? Hello, Frank. Sugar? I would say peppermint. And, well, that's interesting because it... This is a fat Stephen Fry on the fly. They had the classic... No, because I actually know this rather than just reading it from cards. It's had the classic, traditional pink traditional pink sleeved stick of rock

and it said peppermint flavour. And I thought, God, I don't remember it having a peppermint flavour. I wonder if they've messed with the default Blackpool Rock. And I ended up going for a sort of candy striped strawberry flavour. And I tell you, the greatest modernisation act on modern rock is, you know, the free-range label? I say free-range because it's not secured. It's just wrapped in.

It moves a bit. Sometimes you unwrap it, the label falls out. And the strange 1930s black-and-white photography on it. No, but that's what's changed. It's in colour now. Shut up. The free range label features a colour photograph. Just giving a round of applause for progress there.

It's still got a great many E numbers listed one after the next in the sort of contents of this rock. Glad to hear it. A mate of mine, by the way, many years ago back in Smethwick, they were trying to get people to eat this cheese so they were eating piece of bits. They were giving out samples of it. Eating piece of bits.

Just speaking my own language. And they said to him, would you like to try this? It's European processed processed cheese and he said no there's too many eats in it which i thought was a fabulously fast response god bless him dead now of course anyway um absolute radio yeah so i um so i i bought the um i bought the rock and then in a nearby, in a shop window, you know what I was telling you about poppets, the sort of industrial version of bobble wrap. So they're like toys where you press the things through and then to, I saw the biggest one I've ever seen in the shop window. It's an incredible Hulk poppet. pop it and i thought gotta have it so i went in this is something that doesn't happen in london not to me anyway i picked it up and i said how much is this and i saw the label

on it 14.99 as i spoke quite expensive for a big pop it the guy said 14 £14.99, but I'll do it for £12. I thought the barter system still exists in Blackpool. Also, when you say barter, I mean, it's not like you'd have to work that hard to drive him down. Just the tone

in which I said £14.99 I think had done. Maybe I could have gone down to a tenner, but I was so delighted. There might be people from Blackpool going, no, there isn't a barter system. That was Frank getting a celeb discount. I think he is.

No, you get three quid off stuff. I thought £14.99 was a bit... Maybe we should try that, though, just going into shops saying, is that £22.99? No, I do it a lot. It doesn't normally work. In London, it doesn't work. The thing was, what shop was it for sale in?

You're not going to know. It was in a vape shop. Oh. If there's one thing I like, it's a retail intruder. You know when you go into a shop and something that should not be in that shop is for sale in there? I mean, pop it in a vape shop.

Pop it in a vape shop, I know, I know, it's serious. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran Text the show on 81215 Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio Email the show via the Absolute Radio website

Now, do we have any outside world? And if we do, I'd like you to sit back and enjoy this Outside world, outside world And if we do, I'd like you to sit back and enjoy this. The outside world, the outside world. Oh, the outside world. There you go. Oh, what's that? Where's that appeared from?

Last week, if you remember, I was talking about keeping jingles live. So I did some live jingles that I just made up last week on the spot. And our producer, S. Bishop, has took that away and given it a sort of sea shanty feel. Do you want to hear it one more time? I'd like to. The outside world, the outside world. Oh, the outside world. Yeah.

Well, there's some tonal things going on there. Yeah, it's very tonal. I quite like the... Bear in mind, I'm working without music initially, so, you know, it's every man for himself. It's got a lovely Mark E. Smith quality. A bit of an archic, which I like. Can I...

All hands on deck, as I think Ant McPartlin. Yeah. That was some of the gossip he was telling me. Anyway. We've had this in from Dan Harrison. In response to the picture of Frank on the marble comedy carpet slab featuring names of various other comedy luminaries,

Dan Harrison says of this photograph, walking all over other comedians as usual. Hey! Come on! Excellent use of luminaries in the run-up to that. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, Al, I blacked you out there.

I was just admiring Emily's eloquence when she said luminaries. Just really nice. Well, I thought maybe they could call that carpet the Blackpool Luminaries. Sort of tragic spin-off of Blackpool Illuminations. Also, Emily's eloquence. What a nice band. Emily's eloquence, yeah. It's got everything.

John Hopkins, who I've got to say one shouldn't have favorites but i do oh he's in my top five readers oh god i love a bit of john hopkins interesting the uh that'd be a chart that people can strive for emily's top five readers at the moment i'm just saying it's competitive he's hopp's in there, isn't he? I love me some Hoppy. John Hopkins has given a nod back to... You remember you were telling us about your vape shop story earlier. Yeah, I saw a poppet. You got your three quid celebrity discount. Well, John Hopkins...

I don't think it was celebrity discount. I'm sure it was. John Hopkins has said, I loved Frank's pop it in a vape shop story. Right. We have the mother

of all retail intruders. Now see, he's taken on the phrase retail intruders. I only said it once and he's picked it up and he's wrong with it.

This is why I like it. The retail intruder in case you don't quite is when you go in a shop and see something and you think, why are they selling

that in this shop? OK. We have the mother of all retail intruders in my hometown of Chorley. Malcolm's Music Land sells exactly what you'd expect, CDs, vinyl and the like. Go upstairs, however, and you enter the odyssey of Malcolm's Pramland.

I mean, you see what I mean about Hopkins also I like pram land I don't really think of anyone calling them prams anymore do they they're all buggies and walkers and all that stuff prams is a bit what perhaps Mrs. Margaret might have used to push

Viscount Lingley around I always thought that guy from, was it Stuart Copeland who was in Police? Was that his name? He should have opened a theme park where people learn to deal with the difficulties of modern life. As in Copeland. Oh, yes. modern life as in cope land oh yeah yeah i think that'd be good helping people sleep you know not letting things get on top of them um there's also beast pr oh yeah interesting concept they have do they make the incredible hulk puppets beast pr i think they do the Incredible Hulk puppets Beast PR?

I think they do the PR for Beast from Beauty and the Beast, maybe. Beast PR. Vincent. Oh, wow, very good. What was she called? Belle. Belle and Vincent, was it? Okay, Vincent.

I liked him as Beast better. His mother called him Vincent, I'm sure. He had terrible anger issues, though, Beast. Beast PR has sent this through. Frank Skinner's Comedy Carpet. Tuesday, 9pm, BBC Two. Shoes off before tuning in. Very nice.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I know what I wanted to mention to you two. Have you heard that they're doing a virtual bonfire night this year? Oh, yes, on the big screen. They're doing a big screen bonfire. Yes, and bonfires are bad for the environment, I think. Is that what it is? Yeah, I think bonfire's probably more dangerous

than the big screen as well. You can't bring... There's one in Dulwich, I think, that's going to be as huge as of all screens. You can't even bring sparklers. No sparklers allowed. Can you bring a video of a sparkler on your phone? Or one of the members of the band Sparks.

Is that allowed? Is this link a test to see how long I can go before I say health and safety gone mad? Is that what we're doing here? If it was, you've failed or passed, depending on where we're judging this. It's an interesting... I've bitten my arm off.

It is an interesting idea. Do they include the anti-Catholic effigy on their big screen, or is it just the fire? Al, can you do this one? Well, I think the anti-Catholic effigy, as you portray it, was a specific Catholic, wasn't it? It's Guy Fawkes, isn't it? It's Guy Fawkes, yeah.

But I think he represents the entire group of protesters. Yeah. Do you? Yeah, I think so. The whole gunpowder plot crowd, as they were known. In fact, I was saying earlier that the rise of Halloween, which is now, I mean, Halloween was nothing when I was a young man. It was barely referred to.

And then suddenly it's become the massive thing that everyone does. And meanwhile, on the other side of the seesaw, as Halloween rose high into the air, penny for the guy plummeted. And I don't remember the last time I saw anyone collecting a penny for the guy. And it used to be someone would make an anti-Catholic effigy and have it in a pram, maybe from pram land,

maybe from wasteland, often by the looks of it. And they'd say, penny for the guy, and people would give them, I mean, it was often more than a penny, you'd give them loose change. It'd be kids just, you know, collecting stuff to buy fireworks with.

But as one of the persecuted Catholic number, you obviously see this as an improvement for society rather than... I like that Halloween has taken over in that now there's an event which acknowledges the existence of the afterlife, which has replaced one of brutal oppression. That's got to be a plus. Wow. So the kids are still begging,

but what they've done is they've eliminated the middleman. Yeah. Well, it's begging. You've got to call it begging. It is begging. I mean, I've got to say, I haven't seen... I mean, there were some appalling guys I've seen in my time. Well, the problem...

Inflation ruined the Guy Fawkes. What I mean is people started using balloon heads. Oh, and that for me, I mean, you think, what, is this Guy Fawkes after he's been pulled out of the Thames after three weeks? I don't know about you. I would often see them people taking advantage of the shopping, a supermarket

trolley. The guy would be in the supermarket trolley. Oh yes. Often wearing a hoodie I found. Always a leisure wear. Why does the guy wear a leisure wear? Yeah, because no one's got smart clothes

to throw away anymore, isn't it? You sure you haven't got mixed up with that woman from Coronation Street who was photographed? What was she called? You're talking about Tracy... Oh, we can't remember her surname. Her first name was Tracy. Tracy Shaw.

Very good. She was photographed. She used to date Love Rat Dallanday. Oh, well, she was photographed, I remember, in a supermarket trolley with very bruised shins. Oh, no, it was very unfortunate. Yeah, very bruised shins. I don't know quite what happened there.

That was when they used to do things like promote National Prune Week. That's it. I'm sure that still happens, but I don't know who does it now. I'm guessing it's probably Gabrielle and Ermia Cheeky are at the centre of a lot of these themed days. We were discussing

Penny for the Guy, having been ousted from the public consciousness these days. But that is in my... It could be that it is going on somewhere. It is I never ever see now personally. I'd love to know if it still occurs. I haven't seen it either. And we have an anecdote from 937 which takes us to the past, so it doesn't really count

as one in the ledger for modern day. Well, Eckhart Tolle will be furious. Yeah, it's not power of now, this. Good morning, Frank and all. Back in the 70s, sadly, one of my mates was a bit scruffy. He would voluntarily rub dirt on his face and pretend to be a guy. We'd sit him down next to a bus stop and make loads of money. Paul from Peckham.

Wow, I've never seen a living guy. Oh, people would do it often with younger brothers, I think. Would they? Yeah. Well, I remember the most disappointing one for me was the teddy bear in a jumper. I mean, come on, guys. Oh, come on, guys.

Oh, yeah. I suppose what's happened is kids would go penny for the guying, get their loose change, and then go and spend it on sweets. And now people go trick-or-treating. They've eliminated the middleman. This is why shops are closing on the high street because they are getting the sweets direct probably purchased online in en masse by the householder yeah so kids are still getting the sweets but whereas they used to have the initiative of going and buying them themselves, they now just get handed them.

Well, I believe the broadcaster Richard Bacon made some statement last week that he thought that people shouldn't give the kids sweets for Halloween, that they should give them avocado. Mmm. Oh, good luck out there. Yeah, yum, yum. mmm oh good luck

I bet that yeah yum yum it's um wasn't there didn't avocado get cancelled or something I thought there was

an anti-avocado stance yes there are some issues with it but you know oh oh environmentally because it's very

water intensive isn't that no there's so bacon finds himself in reaching for the right side. He grabs the wrong side.

A pig calling the kettle black. Julie has got in touch. What did you say? A pig calling the kettle black? Yes, I did. Because of the bacon. You've just reminded me of my new catchphrase from last week. Do you remember that? It's a pig's one.

It was the story from Montreal Cathedral that the saint's heart had been stolen and been replaced by a pig's. And it was all about the idea of being at the back of the church. It's a pig's one. I have information.

But as a catchphrase, I don't know quite how it's going to work out it's a pig's one I'll have to write don't say that in front of I'll have to write some sort of sitcom that puts it into a context

put me in some sort of farming environment or something like that we'll see how it goes Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio May I share with you this missive from julie yeah it's regarding frank you were talking about do you remember i i referred to this before i think we were talking about bartering in shops which dr troy actually offered a Correzione

Yeah I think, I believe I'm not sure about this but the barter system might well be the swapping of goods for other goods It's a bit more medieval, a bit more Simon of Sudbury Whereas haggling is when you differ with the price so yeah I might have made a mistake

there. I'm happy to give him the honour of the correction jingle beautifully done since my apologetic little contribution there oh it's a shame uh julie good morning team on attempting to purchase a minion iphone case oh yeah or any other phone in a novelty souvenir store i love souvenir store souvenir on oxford street i asked the assistant how much said case was and was told 25 pounds wow for an ip case. Any thoughts from our man in Manchester? How much? I'm

not afraid to say I laughed out loud. In shock. How do you think that sounded, Frank? Laugh out loud in shock. There it is. There it goes. Bear in mind, they are villains. They worship at the altar of the most villainous men

and women on the planet, the Minions. Oh, I thought you meant the retailer charging £25. I wouldn't suggest that for one second. How did it... What's the op shot? Oh, OK. By the way, that thing about how much, I went out with a woman whose dad,

if he hadn't heard you, used to say how much, regardless of what you were saying. How much? As a sort of a what did you say? It's a very sort of intimidating thing. I'm afraid I'll have to keep it very personal if anyone ever says to me how much. I'll have to keep it very personal if anyone ever said to me how much.

My laughter drew the attention of the manager who came over to investigate. I like the manager. What's all this laughter? Can I just do a short extract from the fall? It was the manager. Okay. That's from Eat Yourself

Fitter by The Fall if you want to go and check it out. Of course it is. I explained that £25 was rather expensive for a novelty phone case. The manager turned to his new assistant and said, no, you can't charge her that.

She's from round here. Oh, wow. Will £5 be okay? Oh, my goodness. It was a tourist price. Phone case purchased at local rate versus tourist rate. Each time I pass these stores, I have a good laugh. Have a great day, Julie. You see, I think now every time I pass those stores,

I will feel desperate despair at the dishonesty of the proprietors. £25? I mean, come on. You can't charge her that, she's from around here. No wonder the tourists have stopped coming. Oh no, I think there was some other reason, I can't remember

what it was. Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio I don't know what it was. We seem to be running a text in about Halloween replacing trick-or-treating, not replacing trick-or-treating, replacing, what was it called? The Guy Fawkes. Penny for the Guy.

Penny for the Guy. Penny for the Guy. And 161 has got in touch with an anecdote. My mate's mum used to buy Ferrero Rocher. Is that how you say it? Rocher? Ferrero Rocher, yeah. Yeah, Ferrero Rocher before Halloween.

Carefully unwrapped them, eat the contents, and then replace the consumed chocolate with Brussels sprouts. Trick or treat. Oh, that's quite good, isn't it? Jay's quite good is the ambassador is pranked us yeah horrific trick I wonder if they were cool or I wondered that because if they're not so then T oh I'd rather it raw would you absolutely Would you? Absolutely low sprouts. I love sprouts. Let's run a text in. How do you like your vegetables cooked?

Let's not do that. I still do that thing of cutting the cross into the base. I have no idea if that does anything. I do the same thing with chestnuts. All the winter foods I like to cut a cross into. You know, you really favour a Dickensian fare. Yeah, I do. I find. Roger Turner has been in touch.

Good morning, team. Combining two of this morning's themes, I have a very strong recollection from my childhood days of guys being pushed around in prams or push chairs oh the push chair i the push chair guy i didn't i didn't like the push chair guy you know it's mobility once you felt you'd milked um a certain um area then you'd go elsewhere with that guy yeah yeah okay well i tell me about it yeah mean, let's not go into that. So, we've also had 597.

Hi, Frank, Emily. They said er-ow. I think they mean et-ow. Oh, yes. Okay. Isn't the price on an item in a shop technically an invitation to treat? So, you are... They said to treat. So, you are free to haggle at the point of purchase

okay anyway no i would say no is the answer to that well that was uh simon of sudbury who says i'm off to buy a new winter cassock now but i think the price on something in the shop i think of it as you know i am a very obedient kind of a person as I've told you before I I don't think in my entire life I don't think I've ever had an after-eight mint before 8 o'clock I just follow the rules so if I see a price in a shop that's it for me really in a shop if it was on a market stall or something but this I wasn't actually haggling in Blackpool

I think the man misunderstood my tone he self haggled didn't he he did he self haggled I would say you do follow the rules

however you are not a people pleaser terrified of upsetting the apple cart you have integrity in that sense well thank you so much i i don't know what to say is this this is your life about to happen i just felt it

needed to be said that wasn't this is your life that's mastermind i just felt i didn't want you to paint yourself as some petty small-minded person thank you very far from the truth much our pre-c art as they said in ancient Rome. Okay. Harry Potter, probably. Did they say Harry Potter? No, I don't think so. No.

Maybe Merlin. I mean, they said a lot in Harry Potter. Let's face it, it's hours of it. And all brilliant, in my opinion. What about that? Great. Light review. Harry Potter, very very good Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio anyway this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran text the show on 81215

follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the radio email the show via the Absolute Radio website

Frank M.H. Whittington has been in touch to say, I love the way Frank follows the after eight rule, but doesn't abide by the oppressive twelfths. Hashtag maverick. Yes. He's unpredictable.

Well, I, yes, I don't. The oppressive twelfths, in case you're new to the show, the hour, of course, is split up into 12ths, five past, ten past, quarter past. And I, actually, I've got my, you know when you list alarms on your thing? Phone. On your phone.

I'll go to my alarms now. 459-604-609-6219 621 644 721 you get the picture you're a you're an alarm inspiration yeah exactly so i never go um the reason i think i think there's one uh 740 on there i don't know what happened that day boring yeah i know you had to wake up to be mr boring i was being mr boring that day i forgot in a mr man dramatization at my local theater a bit of act is there a mr boring happy for it no but there absolutely should be yeah i Rettusant, I'd always like. I'd like to bring up sartorial elegance in a news story. Before you do, Al, can I just quickly interject

that I think Frank's actually missing his true Mr. Man destiny. It is Mr. Bit of a Git. Oh, yeah. I don't think there is a Mr. Bit of a Git. Oh, yeah. I don't think there is a Mr. Bit of a Git. Well, there is now. Because the bit of it could be fitted to lots of the different Mr. Men. Bit of a tight one. Yeah.

Sorry, Al, back over to you. I'd like to bring to your attention a news story that a school, a primary school, has issued a plight plea for parents to stop wearing... Parents to stop wearing pyjamas and dressing gowns when dropping their kids off at the gates. Now, I have mooted several times that we've recently had a pandemic of arrogance and hypocrisy.

And here's more. The primary school telling the parents how to dress your domain is the children is this some is this you hefner high i mean i saw i saw the pictures from this and uh there was a woman like in colorful pajamas and a dressing gown with like a teddy bear ears on the top not just any teddy bear. Do you know what that teddy bear was? It's the Me To You Bear. It is, I think it's called Tatty Teddy or Tatty Bear.

That is the Clinton Cards. Oh. Exclusively available. The Me To You Bear. It's called the Me To You. It's called the Chocobross. Is it Chocob Choco Bross. No, it's not Choco Bross. Is it Choco Bross merchandise?

Wow. It's not Choco Bross. It's a Clinton Cards bear. And he had an origin story. Do you not know the Metiu bear? No. I don't know the Metiu bear. That's really concerning.

I've never heard such talk. I'm really confused by it. Do you not know? He's that grey bear. Have you ever been inside one of those Clinton-type shops? Oh, yeah, they are. They're very good this time of year because they're often the warmest shops on the high street.

It's a grey bear with a blue nose and he's holding a heart. You wouldn't have a blue nose in Clinton cards. It's tropical temperatures in there. No, that's the whole point of that Me To You bear. OK. Oh, so he's giving his heart to... No, he was a brown bear, and then he... How do I know this?

He ended up... I thought everyone knew the Clinton Cards bear, and then he ended up in the snow, and he was... So that's why his nose went blue, and he's grey. And he's given his heart. I also think if you remove your heart, people tend to go grey, and their noses go, but it's a circulatory issue with the meat of you.

Sounds like a horror film. Yeah. Anyway, sorry, back to you, Frank, but she was wearing the Clinton Cards robe. I wish butchers would have a meat of you bit, holding a real heart in their offal... Special offals, they could call it, instead of special offers.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hang on, I don't like this from Brian McVeigh. Uh-oh. What's Brian McVeigh got to say? We're of the year 1998. You're having a laugh. Is that a picture of me? Bear in mind, was it 98?

Oh, how wonderful. I'm not sure that's right. You might need a correction, honey. No. Yes, there's a picture of me. Obviously, I'm an older man now, and it's slightly broken free from its moorings

but you know that's a bit of a thing, that's like people who do those pictures that say Jennifer Aniston, or they'll say there's one that you see that's real cruelty, it says like Tiger Woods wife you'll be shocked when you see her now and you think what

do you mean she's got older? Oh, that's weird. In fairness, you can't actually see any of the rear in this. So I think... I think it's lighthearted, this guy. I think it's ever lighthearted. Shall we return to the school? Well, just to balance things out,

well, Ian Angle has texted a joke regarding the school story. If anybody's just joined, we're discussing a school that has issued a uniform warning for parents in what I think is a moment of arrogance. Went a bit high there. Yeah, I think I'm so shocked by this. Surely it's overreach on the school's behalf. So they don't want parents turning up in pyjamas and dressing gowns.

Ian Angle has said, perhaps they're worried about traffic gym jams by the schools. You know, like traffic jams. Ah, very good. Are they planning to ban fathers in pyjamas? Ban fathers in pyjamas. What's the tune to ban fathers in pyjamas? I mean pyjamas.

Bananas in pyjamas. Are coming down the stairs. Yeah, Banfathers in pyjamas from picking up their kids. Dropping off, et cetera. You get the picture. There was one character photographed for a national newspaper, ashamed in his nightwear, doing the drop-off. for a national newspaper, ashamed in his nightwear,

doing the drop-off. And a lot of these parents seem to favour the soft fleece dressing gown. Yeah. The type that goes a little bit Cookie Monster after one too many wearings. It gets a bit matted. Does it? Yeah, there's about four wearings you can have, I find,

before it goes Cookie Monster. And the man had that, fine, but he had my most hated thing, the trainer sock with a slide. Oh. And, you know, there's the chaps of footwear for me, the trainer sock. The cut-out sock, I can't abide. But I did, I felt sorry for them being ashamed. However, I'm sorry, Al.

I'm going to say, I think get dressed, love. You're team school, aren't you? You're with these authoritarians. I like the idea. There's a suggestion. Drunk on power running an infant school to keep the control grown-ups. I like the idea, for me,

that the kids are arriving at school during that period designated snooze on the alarm clock. The idea that they might be going back to bed after is... Yeah. Yeah. I don't think they are. They might be shift workers.

I'll tell you what I actually think. I think people are getting up as late as they can, which is fair enough. And there's no... There seems to be no suggestion in this article that the kids are not arriving in their school uniform. So these are selfless parents

who are prepared to turn up any old how to make sure their kids are there on time and dressed. Well, these are heroes, these people. We should be celebrating them. I just think possibly if you are going to wear the nightwear outdoors, I mean, the Me To You Bear dressing gown, let's be honest,

there was an old stage manager friend of my mother's, bit of a glasses on a lanyard type. Right. And he would frequently say of anything you were wearing, that's been a very good friend to you, dear. I think the me to you dressing gown might have been quite a good friend

is all I'm saying. I'm seeing it as sort of late night fire drill chic that they're arriving in. Is it also a bit patients outside a hospital smoking? Oh yeah. I live near a hospital. I have seen people literally

have brought their drips out to have a cigarette outside. hospital. I have seen people literally have brought their drips out to have a cigarette outside. Respect. I mean, obviously kids smoking is very bad for you, but I also do like someone with that level of determination and focus. We're talking about the people wearing items of clothing that have been a very good friend to them. Well, it's sort of, yes,

people turning up in their PJs to drop their kids off. If you imagine Wee Willie Winky doing the school run. No thanks. It's that kind of thing. No one wears those hats anymore. Did Wee Willie... Well, we established, we've discussed this on this show, Scrooge sat in the nightcap chair, didn't he?

Was there anyone else we could think of? Yeah, there was twins, I think, in Lord Snooty's gang that used to wear those nightcaps. We've done some pretty obscure themes on this show. And we will. Yeah, but who's in the nightcap chair is a pretty good one, I would say.

Yeah, who do I picture in a nightcap? Scrooge is certainly a darling. Laurel and Hardy. Oh wow, I'm going to let you have that. Yeah, I think Stan certainly. Stan, I can see him being all have that. Yeah, I think Stan, certainly. I can't stand... Stan, I can see him being all over... And socks, very thick socks in bed as well,

that were on Hardy. What does W.C. Fields wear in bed? I don't know if you ever saw him in bed. I wish I'd found out. He's one of my unlikely crushes. I have, so... Is he? Oh, I'm obsessed by him.

A knight in old Moscow. Do you know... Interesting fact, I believe it was WC Fields that nicknamed Buster Keaton Buster. Is that right? I believe so. Oh, poor Buster. It was all a bit unfortunate. I didn't know that.

Can we please talk about one of the comments made by someone I'm going to call one of my lot, Al, comments made by someone I'm going to call one of my lot, Al. A fellow parent in supporting the polite, close quotes, notice.

This parent said some of the states you see here is unbelievable. Some of the states. Some of the states you see here is unbelievable some of the parents are turning against each other it's a civil war

so maybe needs to speak to Frank about the old judge not lest ye be judged I did think there's a fabulous there's a Samuel Johnson essay about idleness, where he talks about people whose night differ from their day only in as much as a bed differs from a couch. Frank, you know there's an acronym for this kind of dressing, by the way?

Is there? Is there? I love an acronym. Well, this kind of attire is way is that is that it's called i love an acronym well it's this kind of attire is called nqd not quite dressed oh okay oh which is because it's sort of um it is from our american cousins okay isn't it that sort of leisure wear as outerwear innerwear as outerwear well it's interesting for me because i've asked you about this before emily and you've never really given me the real i've never i have dressing

gowns i own three dressing gowns one of them is um as monogrammed fs on the breast oh actually i Oh, actually, I own more. I own a West Bromwich Albion one with the badge, and I own an 11th Doctor. I'm listening to Radio 4's Dress and Gowns I Have Known. And I never, ever, ever wear any of them because I cannot find the window when you are supposed to wear them. I get up in the morning, I either get dressed or I have a shower straight away. And after a shower, I put clothes on.

When does it happen, the dressing gown? You're washing too soon in your day, mate. Can I? I will be prepared to answer this question. Okay. After a musical interlude. I would say, I know, Al, we've discussed this before, we've established before on this show that Frank is the only person I know to refuse,

he refuses to wear the complimentary robe in the hotel room. No, I never wear that. It's always, it's still, not only is it still hanging up, it's still, the belt is still knotted. You know, they knot the belts. I don't often use those either. Absolute psychopath. Not Frank. Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. I've just been the victim of a correctione. Go on. From 003. A moment ago, before the song, the victim of a creccione from 003. A moment ago, before the song, I said that I thought it was W.C. Fields who nicknamed Buster Keaton Buster.

003, the less high-profile MI5 operative. But still licensed to kill if he's a double-O. Exactly, so I'll happily bow down to his higher wisdom Hi Frank, Alan and Emily

I watched a programme only yesterday on Buster Keaton, it was in fact Harry Houdini who named him Buster because he could fall really badly without being hurt, Gaz in Manchester fair enough I apologise Gaz yeah and sorry to any Harry Houdini fans yeah Manchester. Fair enough. I apologise, Gaz. Yeah.

And sorry to any Harry Houdini fans listening. There'll be a few out there. I want to be like Harry Houdini. I'm the invisible man. Sorry, carry on. We were talking earlier.

I got the impression that you felt I'd never adequately answered your question, when does one wear a dressing gown? The thing is, the dressing gowns I've got, I quite like the look of them. Do you know what I mean? I quite think, oh, yeah. Would you like some tips? Yes.

So, here are three occasions when I wear a dressing gown. Okay. Number one, when arising. I have it hanging on the back of my en suite. Yes, I've got an en suite. Ooh, ooh. And I wrap it round myself, en route downstairs to feed the dog, to do all those early morning things.

I might have a coffee, my glass of iced water, all that stuff, cleanse my face, etc. So I would say for the first 40 minutes of the day, that's dressing gown time. Yeah. That sounds to me like someone's... Obviously that timetable is fluid. It could be 20, it could be 50.

You don't have to live by any of these rules. I'll tell you what that feels like. That feels like those people who get up My table is fluid. It could be 20, it could be 50. You don't have to live by any of these rules. No, but I tell you what that feels like. That feels like those people who get up allowing themselves a bit of a ramp into the day. Whereas I'm up and out, do you know what I mean? Or up and doing whatever I'm doing. You're all business. Straight into my day clothes.

I mean, I was raised by actors, remember? Oh, yeah, well, that's it. I had more time. They spent the first four hours of the day peeling. And my mother would say, I'm just going was raised by actors, remember? Oh, yeah, well, that's it. I had more time. They spent the first four hours of the day peeling, and my mother would say, I'm just going to have my breakfast, which was one orange and a cigarette. Right.

So the second dressing gown window would be post-bath time, in the evening. In the evening? Yes. Would you not do a bath in the evening? No. Well, I don't bath ever, I shower, but not in the evening. I don't want to shower in the evening yes would you not do a bath in the evening no well i don't bath ever i shower but not in the i don't want to shower in the evening if you shower in the evening you go to bed and the whole one side of your hair looks like the the bottom of you know the bottom of an iced cake

completely iced cake that's got like that base that's formed on it. So I wake up, my head looks like a bar of imperial leather. It's got that, because I've gone to bed with wet hair and it's just flattened. I can't, no, I never do that. Oh no, I have a lovely treat myself bath, you know, like you like, right, with the rose petals and the candles. You love that. I don't. I don't.

The whole bath thing is slightly disgusting. So I have that. And then finally. Late review bath thing is slightly disgusting. So we'll have that. And then finally... Late review. For heaven's sake. Find one for the Romans. Put that in your toga and smoke it. Did they smoke pipes, the ancient Romans?

You never see pictures of them with pipes. Any Romans texting or no? Yeah, there'll be. Mary Beard listens to this, apparently. I think she's a pipe smoker. She might know. We've had so many responses to the question, when does one wear a dressing gown?

Ah, yeah. I'd like to share some with you boys. I hope they're not louche these responses. Oh, no. Keeping it daytime. We don't want it louche. No louche on this. Mike Battersby on stage in a Noel Coward bore fest.

Yeah, that's harsh on Noel Coward. It was all going so well until bore fest. Yeah, but, yeah, you could wear it. There was that... You came! When he was wearing the dressing gown. Alison, Alison Allen, 75. When it's cold and I'm avoiding putting the heating on,

spent most of last winter working from home with a dressing gown on top of my clothes. Now you're talking my language. Did you now you're talking 75. no she was born in 75 oh sorry i had a terrible image of an old lady trying to keep warm in a dressing gown but still working from home she meant making jam almost certainly uh rufus jones just the one word answer bins in the yeah oh putting the bins out okay yeah there is that that's difficult for me because there is a whole celebrity genre now of celebrities in almost no clothes at all putting the bins out pretending they've been accidentally packed yes i quite like

those moments when you have to pop out to just either pick up a dog mess or put the bins out. I like to not put on a jumper or a hoodie and just be cold for a moment and then get back into the house and just, you know, enjoy the chill. I mean, the furthest I'd ever venture out wearing a robe, as I prefer to call it, would be the concrete patch to supervise my dog's comfort break. OK. Elegantly put. I would not leave my own gate. the lady that we got our dog clipped this week for the first time and the lady said I'll do that and then I'll go a bit shorter

on the hygiene area and I thought that is one of the best euphemisms I've ever heard and counterintuitive for me but yeah the hygiene area the HA I might have to borrow that

from your dog as it were ok so before we go before ye go I passed I know there's a lot of motorway talk but I've been on the motorway a lot this week I passed a large truck that seemed to be selling

fuel? no I didn't see any fuel but i got out of london um selling um air conditioning refrigeration units kind of thing and on the side of it they had a bear on a sort of surfboard a sort of polar bear to suggest cool coldness and keeping everything and my goodness, if they had not copied the bear from the follow the bear, they'd just taken that logo. Oh, my God. Sat in bomber jacket. Well, no, there was a bit where it's sort of in his beach wear.

If you remember follow the bear's beach wear. But it was him, the shades. Not trilby at a jaunty angle. I mean, I was shocked to see him moonlighting on the side of a van. And I did follow the bear for about three or four miles. But can I say no Heineken was involved? Was it Heineken with that bear? It was beer anyway.

I think it was a pond bear beer. No, I don't think he was Heineken. No, he was probably something. Carlin? Pandacola? I don't think so. No, they'd have got a panda. You know what?

If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!